Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

1 [Crow.]
That's what I said, you know? [Gypsy.]
That's what I heard too.
That's good.
Oh, hey, everyone.
Welcome to the Satellite of Love.
It's Gypsy's birthday.
- [all cheering.]
- Me, me, me, me, me.
Wait a minute, we're robots.
We get birthdays? Well, sure.
Every robot gets a birthday.
In fact, now that I think about it, it's everybody's birthday! [all cheering.]
Blow out the candles, Gypsy.
No, I don't want to share my birthday.
Let's just do mine next week.
Okay, that's fine.
Ah, this guy's just handing out free birthdays.
Okay if I blow out the candles? I mean, it is my birthday.
Yeah, sure thing, Tom.
Here you go.
- Awesome.
- Happy birthd [screams.]
Is that what you wished for? Technically.
[Jonah screaming.]
[upbeat music.]
[man.]
In the not-too-distant future [man.]
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- [man.]
Next Sunday A.
D.
- [man.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
[man.]
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? [man.]
A distress call came in for him At half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon [Kinga.]
I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - [singers.]
La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Now, keep in mind That Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends [man.]
Robot roll call [together.]
Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow [man.]
If you're wondering How he eats and breathes - And other science facts - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 All right, sorry, party's over.
The poopers are calling.
Cake first, Mads later.
Hey, hey, enough frivolity.
Invention exchange time.
You first.
Ever feel today's lifestyle magazines are a bit too predictable? You always know how the articles will end.
Well, no more.
Get ready for M.
Night Shyamalan Living.
A better living magazine with a twist.
Literally every article has a twist ending.
Turns out that grease-cutting kitchen cleanser was just vinegar and water with a few drops of grapefruit oil the whole time.
Available at newsstands now, or is it? Oh, please.
Like anyone would read that.
Wow, the 15-minute salmon only took ten minutes.
I got to reread the recipe, see if I spot all the clues.
Check this out, the elder pump.
[chuckles.]
It's pretty great, right? What's an elder pump? It it's you know, it's an elder pump.
Yeah.
Uh, it it pum it pumps elders.
So [sighs.]
Look, we don't know.
Crow said it during Starcrash, so Hey, that's my intellectual property you thefted! Yeah, wait a ding-dang second.
All your inventions were stolen from us.
Jetscreen! See? The Carvel Clock comes from our ice cream riff in Reptilicus.
And we mentioned Afterlife Alert in Cry Wilderness.
The font machine came from us talking about the Time Travelers font.
Yeah, and we came up with the hot water hose in Avalanche.
Oh, and let's not forget the sombrero full of salsa straight out of Beast of Hollow Mountain.
And who will speak for the elder pump? For the elder pump has no voice.
Deal with it! Corporations do this all the time.
It's not a crime.
It's an Easter egg.
So let's talk experiment.
Take a submarine movie, some rubber dinosaurs, and Doug McClure's fists, and you've got The Land That Time Forgot.
More like the movie quality forgot.
[laughs.]
Why are you laughing? That was too easy, Max.
Shame.
- [device ringing.]
- Oh, hold on.
We're getting a call from Moon 14.
Yeah, this is RD, your maintenance man.
We got a leak in the master containment cylinder, and some of the movie spilled out.
I collected it in my wet/dry vac.
Hmm, looks like people taking over a submarine.
Can't see it too clearly through all the leftover Reptilicus residue.
All right, space chimps, enter the nightmare-fueled world that is The Land That Time Forgot.
Movie in the hole.
[liquid gurgling.]
Crow, what are you doing? I'm eating my emotional distress away, eh.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- That's my cake! Oh, here we go! [all.]
Movie sign! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Crow.]
Oh, litterbug.
[Tom.]
The world's worst paperboy.
[dramatic music.]
[Jonah.]
Oh, it didn't come out of its tuck in time.
[Crow.]
It's a can of spring snakes.
[Tom.]
That's beautiful.
Just to set a prank adrift in the world and hope it brightens some stranger's day.
[Crow.]
Or gives them a heart attack.
[Jonah.]
You know, not enough titles use Jimi Hendrix font.
[Crow.]
Oh, baby Moses is getting real seasick in there.
[Tom.]
"Hi, I'm Doug McClure.
You may remember me from such films as Proper Cylinder Disposal and Cliff Diving for Dogs.
" [Jonah.]
"Aye, the sea was rough that day, but we needed that opening sequence B-roll footage.
" [Tom.]
At this point, I'm just worried about the cameraman's safety.
[Crow.]
Jonah, I'm not feeling so good.
I think I'm getting credits-sick! - [retches.]
- [Jonah.]
Oh, okay, buddy.
Just let it out.
I'll hold your netting, all right? - It's all right.
- [Tom.]
"Land Associates.
Number one realtor and film production company for five years running.
Insist on Land Associates.
" [Crow.]
Sail away, Sail away, sail away [Jonah.]
Oh, okay, buddy.
All right, just let the Orinoco flow, all right? [Tom.]
"Edgar Rice Burroughs Inc.
, a division of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle LLC.
" [Crow.]
Who but Alan Hume could capture this priceless image of I'm gonna say a floating cowboy boot? [Jonah.]
Wow, this soundtrack's really working overtime.
[Tom.]
Maurice Carter.
He's your man when you need production design for a floating cowboy boot.
[Crow.]
Yeah, great set, Simon.
[Tom.]
Way to construct, Vic! [Jonah.]
Nice electricity, George.
[Tom.]
"There's got to be an easier way to get my mail.
" [Gypsy.]
Yeah, before cell phones, this was how people communicated.
Go out to the ocean and check your messages every day.
[Jonah.]
"Finally, me Pringles arrived.
" [Tom.]
Picking up an S.
O.
S.
Someone sent an S.
O.
S.
[Crow.]
"Says here I'm supposed to scatter these ashes on the sea.
Feels like somebody added an unnecessary step.
" [Tom.]
What's that train conductor doing out here anyway? [Crow.]
"A bongo filled with damp rags? What a find!" [Tom.]
"Script's coming in a little last-minute.
No problem.
I'm a pro.
I can wing it.
Would have been nice if they would have given me at least some highlighted lines.
" [Tyler.]
"I do not expect anyone to believe the story I'm about to relate.
" [Jonah.]
"So never mind.
" [Tyler.]
"It even seems incredible to me that all that I have passed through " [Crow.]
"My body.
" [Tyler.]
" all those weird and terrifying experiences should have been encompassed within as short a span as " [Tom.]
"My body.
" [Tyler.]
" three brief months.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, even the movie decided to take off.
[Tyler.]
"It must have been a little after three o'clock in the afternoon that it began.
The afternoon of June third, 1916.
" [Crow.]
"And ragtime was all the rage!" [Tom.]
"We had sighted the elusive stick shark, and it was my job to poke it.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, it's a picture of his gal from back home.
- She's big.
- [Crow.]
"Nothing!" S.
S.
Montreaux.
Twenty thousand tons.
[Tom.]
"But it's a bit sensitive about its weight, so try not to mention it, guys.
" [captain.]
Range, 1,000 meter.
Range, 1,000 meter.
[captain.]
Depth, nine meter.
Depth, nine meter.
Arm tubes one and two.
[Jonah.]
Arm tubes? What's an arm tube? [Crow.]
A sleeve? [captain.]
Hold.
Fire one.
Number one tube fired.
Fire two.
Number two tube fired.
[Tom.]
"Vait for it.
Vait for it.
Keep vaiting.
Keep vaaaaaiiiiiiting.
"Keep vaaaaiiiting.
Vait.
Vait.
Go.
" [Jonah.]
"And wunderbar! Ha-ha!" [Crow.]
"And they say there's no application for Oculus Rift.
" Add another 20,000 tons to our total.
[Tom.]
"Schnitzel for everyone! On ze house!" Orders to surface, Herr Kapitän? No, Dietz.
The survivors may live to fight another day.
[captain.]
We've had enough trouble already.
[Jonah.]
"What with the tribbles and all.
" Besides, these were civilians.
[Crow.]
"But don't feel bad.
They were jerks, and I like everybody.
" Down periscope.
[Tom.]
"Down, periscope.
Down, boy, down.
" [Crow panting.]
[Tom.]
"Good boy.
Good periscope.
Stay down.
" [Jonah.]
This is the first film shot entirely in a sauna.
[Crow.]
Cheech and Chong Go to Venice.
[Jonah.]
"Pope's not here, man.
" [Tom.]
Wow, that ship looked way bigger through the periscope.
[Jonah.]
"The honeymoon doesn't have to be expensive, he says.
We have a great deal on a boat, he says.
We'll live on love.
Feh!" [Crow.]
"Mm, wisdom teeth are gonna have to come out.
" The ship.
We were torpedoed.
Looks like we're the only survivors.
[Tom.]
"We'd better get to repopulating this boat.
" Will they find us? [Crow.]
"Yeah, they'll find a fat me and a skeleton you.
" [men singing.]
[Jonah.]
"Oh, crap, an a cappella group.
Get down.
Maybe they won't see us.
" Ahoy! Ahoy there! [Tom.]
"I'm right here next to you.
" Ahoy! [man.]
Ahoy! Where are you? Over here! Ahoy! Over here! [Jonah.]
"In fog, 'over here' is not really a useful direction!" [Crow.]
"Oh, no one notices lifeboat, and then a big ship sinks, and all of a sudden, it's, 'Oh, save us, lifeboat.
We love you, lifeboat.
You're suddenly big enough for us, lifeboat.
'" [Tom.]
Burt Reynolds is Sean Connery as Mark Ruffalo in Foxcatcher! [Crow.]
"Hey, guys, we got a new boat-mom.
" [all cheering.]
Up ye come, my darlin'.
Welcome aboard, Miss Clayton.
Mr.
Tyler.
Sinclair, if you look in my bag, there's some brandy.
Aye, sir.
[Jonah.]
He and Sinclair are on a second-name basis.
[Tom.]
Hey, open bar.
Pretty sweet.
[Crow.]
"You seem dehydrated.
Here's some booze.
" Mr.
Tyler? [Jonah.]
"Well, it ain't Miller High Life in a Styrofoam cup, but it'll do.
" [Tom.]
"And I just realized you guys probably don't have a chaser.
" [Crow.]
"What, huh?" Did any of the other boats get away? I'm afraid not.
We were sure lucky to find you.
[Crow.]
"We should keep this rolling, get some Powerball tickets, huh? Go to Vegas.
" Olson, take the tiller.
[Jonah.]
All these guys are cosplaying as the same Tintin character.
[laughter.]
[Tom.]
Aw, he wants a friend.
Not quite so lucky, I'm afraid.
We've only got about a half gallon of water and no food.
Young Whiteley managed to get through with an S.
O.
S.
, but he had no chance to tell them where our position was.
[Crow.]
"Did you mention the ocean?" As far as they're concerned, we [Tom.]
"Could sit and spin.
" could be anywhere.
Herr Kapitän, Borg requests permission to surface and to recharge batteries.
[Jonah.]
The Borg! Very well, Dietz.
Prepare to surface.
Jawohl, Kapitän.
[Crow.]
"Ugh, the realtor described this place as cozy.
" - Up periscope.
- Up periscope.
[Tom.]
"Klaus, stop copying me.
Jeez, every time.
" [Jonah.]
"Guys, what is my rule? If you're going to use my periscope, you have to wipe it off after.
Come on!" [Crow.]
Oh, this kaleidoscope sucks.
There's no colors.
[captain.]
Thick fog.
Perfect cover for us.
Down periscope.
Down periscope.
[Tom.]
"Klaus, what did I just talk to you about?" [Crow.]
"Sorry, mein Kapitän.
" Both engines full ahead.
- Both engines full ahead.
- [Jonah.]
"Klaus!" [Tom.]
Matthew Lillard is Donald Sutherland in The Andy Capp Story.
[whispering.]
Mr.
Bradley.
[Crow.]
"I'm a fan of your games.
Twister is inspired.
" [motor humming faintly.]
[Tom.]
Orson Welles is Dom DeLuise in [Jonah.]
Okay, all right, all right.
[Tom.]
"Do you guys hear, like, an underwater boat?" [Crow.]
"You mean a fish?" [Jonah.]
This is what every Star Wars movie looks like before the CGI gets put in.
But it can't be a fishing boat.
We're too far from land.
Shh.
Quiet.
- [Tom.]
"Shh!" - [Crow.]
"McClure, shh, shut up.
" [Jonah.]
"No, shh, you, you shut up.
" [motor rumbling.]
[Crow.]
"No, shh, shh.
Is everyone shutting up? Jonah, just shut up!" [Tom.]
Maybe it's their old ship unsinking itself.
It's a U-boat.
[Jonah.]
"A me-boat?" Must be the one that sunk us.
We'd better take cover until it submerges.
No, wait.
If we get aboard, we could surprise them as they come through the hatch.
- We wouldn't stand a chance.
- [Tyler.]
It's the only chance we have.
I know these boats like the back of my hand.
Now, we've got about two minutes before that hatch opens.
[Crow.]
"Now we've only got a minute, 59 seconds.
Now a minute, 58 seconds.
Now a minute, 57 seconds.
Now a minute, 56 seconds.
Okay, my count's a little off now.
" Right, let's try it.
Pull away.
[all.]
Row, row, row your boat Gently to our deaths [Tom.]
Oh, I know who's on board.
It's either Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Larry Bird, or Rolling Rock.
[Jonah.]
That awkward moment when you're about to attack a U-boat.
[Crow.]
"Before I forget, here's your rain stick back.
" [imitates rain stick.]
[upbeat music.]
[Max.]
A German U-boat has sunken a British ship, and that's really all we know, but stick with it.
It's likely they'll soon reach the Land That Time Forgot.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Tom.]
"I'm so glad we packed all these murder supplies, huh?" [Crow.]
Oh, that sweater is ruined.
Wool in the rain? Ugh, yuck! [Jonah.]
"Boy howdy, I'm gonna lasso me a sea cow.
Here, subby, subby! Ooh, come here.
Oh, the lasso's a little tangled, but I'll get this.
I got this, guys.
Don't worry about it.
" [Tom.]
"Now, the men on board this ship are also wearing turtlenecks.
Do not let that sway you from the mission.
" [Crow.]
"Watch your step.
Those Thom McAns are not good on a wet sub.
" [Jonah.]
"So I'll just hold this, then?" [Tom.]
"The actual fog of war.
" [Crow.]
You know, basically, war is just, like, a bunch of people playing pranks on each other, but at the end, they all die.
"Shh, shh.
" [Jonah.]
"Men are so stupid.
" [Tom.]
"Emmett, I think you've got that on backwards.
" [Crow.]
Whoa, is he doing that with his mind? [all.]
Surprise! Happy birthday - Shh! - Quiet, Captain.
[Crow.]
"We demand you fly this submarine to Cuba.
" Kommen Sie hier.
Shh.
[Jonah.]
"All right, you're gonna go back down there and you're gonna tell everyone that your eight nephews have all dropped by for a friendly visit.
" - [Tom.]
"Okay.
" - Hans! [Tom.]
The German sailor comes out of his hole.
If he sees his shadow, we'll have three more weeks of war.
[alarm blares.]
[Jonah.]
"My ride's here!" [all humming "Yakety Sax".]
[Tom.]
Shh! - Nobody move! - [Crow.]
"Okay!" Smith, go help Olson.
Benson! [Tom.]
"Watch him.
I'm the American, so I need to be at the center of the action.
Look what I can do!" [men grunting and groaning.]
[Crow.]
"Do not make me take my belt off, young man!" - [gunshot.]
- [groans.]
[Jonah.]
"Was that one of our guys or their guys?" Come on! [Tom.]
"I don't know.
Let's just go.
" [Crow.]
"Oh, well, my peacoat just earned its name.
" [Jonah.]
Hi-keeba! [Crow.]
"I'm gonna poke you with this stick, and there's nothing you can do about it.
" [grunts.]
[Tom.]
Old Testament justice.
A kick for a kick.
[Jonah.]
It's a good thing water kills Germans on contact.
- [groans.]
- [Jonah.]
"Oof!" [man groans.]
[Crow.]
"I'm melting 'cause I'm German!" [Tom.]
"Aay!" [gunshot.]
[Jonah.]
Good thinking, shoot a hole in the floor of the boat.
[Tom.]
"I got to lay off the hot cross buns, ooh.
" [yells.]
[Crow.]
"Tonight it's turtleneck versus turtleneck in the sweater battle of the century.
" [Jonah.]
The toughest men wear the wimpiest hats.
[Tom.]
"This is for Huey, Dewey, and Louie!" - [gunshot.]
- [Crow.]
"But I thought I shot you.
The movie tricked me, and now I'm dead.
" [Tom.]
It's Dirty Debbie Harry.
[Jonah.]
"What were you doing? I had him right where I wanted him.
" [Crow.]
"Okay, I'll just take that.
I think you've had enough fun for one day.
" [Jonah.]
"Hey, hey, guys.
You see me take out that German singlehandedly without any help from a girl whatsoever? Don't act like you didn't see it.
" [Tom.]
"Nice turtleneck.
" [Crow.]
"Right back at you.
" [Jonah.]
They both speak the international language of contempt.
[Tom.]
It would take some kind of incredible adventure for them to put their differences behind them and build a grudging respect, nay, friendship.
Good work, Bradley.
[Crow.]
"Call me Milton.
" Well, Commander, now that you have us, what do you propose to do with us? Are you all right? I'm fine, thank you.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do with you, Captain.
Put you in the nearest British port.
[Jonah.]
"Then Disneyland.
" And you expect me to take you there? Captain von "Schoonvorts" Schoenvorts.
I'm afraid you have no choice.
[captain.]
And how will you know if I am coursing for England or Germany? We're all seamen, Captain.
We know how to read a compass.
Oh, and, von Schoenvorts, I don't suppose you've heard of the Tylers from Santa Monica.
Well, I'm Bowen Tyler, and my father was building these submarines before you even thought of it.
Stop him, Jones! [Tom.]
Is it possible to make a run for it on a submarine? Hold it! [Crow.]
"Don't do that!" [Jonah.]
No, Doug, that's not how you do the Heimlich.
Radio.
[Tom.]
Another bang-up job from Comcast customer service.
Now there's no chance of contacting our Allied shipping.
May I suggest, Mr.
Tyler, that you go I'll suggest! [Crow.]
"The bulkhead!" I suggest, Captain Captain von Schoenvorts [Jonah.]
"It's 'von Spoonfork'!" [Tom.]
"Call your mama.
" that you tell your men that we're in control.
And if you don't, you'll find you and your crew where you found us, in the water.
[Crow.]
"But as we established, if I, a German, fall in the water, I'll die on contact.
" - Achtung.
- [Tom.]
Baby.
Von Schoenvorts.
This boat is now under command of our enemy, Mr.
Tyler.
You will obey his orders for the time being.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, sheesh, I should have said that in German.
Can I have a do-over?" [Crow.]
"You believe what I got to work with here?" Lock him up, Bradley.
[Tom.]
"Just once, I'd like to hijack a submarine and be taken seriously.
Just once!" [Jonah.]
"Day 43.
We still don't know how to go underwater.
" [Crow.]
"Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub! Ohh!" Is that a British warship? [Tom.]
"A model of one, sir, yes.
" It is indeed.
We're in luck.
We think we spotted a British warship.
Stand by! [Crow.]
"Tweeting at them now, sir.
" [Jonah.]
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
[explosion.]
[Tom.]
"Why'd you make fun of their mom?" Keep signaling.
[Crow.]
Great plan, McClure.
[explosion.]
[Jonah.]
"Aye, the bathtub was rough that day.
" [Tom.]
"Can you turn this thing up?" [explosions.]
[Crow.]
"Whoa! Everyone's sweater okay?" A few more of those, and they'll have our range.
[Jonah.]
I'm starting to think this guy doesn't actually know Morse code.
It's no good! They don't read us.
Or they don't believe us.
Let's get below.
[Tom.]
"I call shotgun.
" Prepare to dive! [Crow.]
Did he just say prepare to die? Oh, nice leadership skills, McClure.
[alarm blares.]
Dive, dive, dive.
[Jonah.]
"But what if the warship dives in after us?" [Tom.]
"Vell, looks like charades night is ruint!" Bow down angle, seven degrees.
Level off at 20.
Level off at 20.
[Crow.]
"I'll hang on to these Walkman headphones for stability.
" [Jonah.]
"Keep it cool.
They think you know what you're doing.
Fake it till you make it.
" [Tom.]
Man, the Budenberg levels are off the charts.
Five degrees, leveling.
[Crow.]
Can't they just point the submarine downward and press the go button? [Jonah.]
Oop, somebody was texting and submarining.
[Tyler.]
Slow both engines.
Kleine Fahrt.
- Slow both engines.
- [Tom.]
That's right.
Doesn't matter what country you're from.
If Doug McClure is there, you're speaking English.
[distant explosion.]
[Crow.]
"Well, I don't know what we were worried about.
Looks like everything's gonna be just fine.
" [explosion.]
[Jonah.]
"Roxanne, you don't have to turn on the red light.
" Boat gaining depth.
Fifty meters.
Bow down angle, 15 degrees.
Blow two und three.
No.
It'll give away our position.
Both engines half ahead.
Both engines half ahead.
Increasing depth, 55 meter.
Let her sink to the bottom.
You don't know how deep it is here.
[Crow.]
Radiohead deep.
She'll only stand 65 meter.
[man.]
Boat still gaining in depth, 60 meter.
[man.]
Bow down angle, ten degrees.
[Tom.]
"Note to self, you're Doug McClure.
" [all humming "Under Pressure".]
[Tom.]
Under pressure In a submarine [vocalizing.]
In a submarine [man.]
Level at the bow.
[Crow.]
Whatever that means! Sixty-seven meter.
[Jonah.]
Take one down, pass it around Sixty-six meters of beer on the wall [submarine creaking.]
[man.]
Sixty-nine meter.
[Tom.]
"Is that creaking bothering anyone else?" [Tyler.]
Stop both engines.
[man.]
Stop both engines.
[Crow.]
Guys, can't park here.
It's a loading zone.
[water swirling.]
[Jonah.]
"Oh, who's using the toilet?" [Tom.]
"Want to join the Mile-Low Club?" [chuckles.]
You can blow two and three now, Mr.
Dietz.
Blow two and three.
[man.]
Blow two and three.
[Tyler.]
Both engines slow ahead.
[man.]
Both engines slow ahead.
[Crow.]
"I'm the worst captain.
" Very good, Mr.
Tyler.
[Tom.]
"Okay, boys, international waters.
Crank up the Usher and get this party started.
[vocalizing.]
Yeah Okay [doors clanking and whirring.]
Your naiveté vill be your undoing, mein Freund, but first I vill offer you some poetry and a drink of a 1907 Burgundy because I am a sophisticated continental type.
- Periscope down! - Periscope down! I hate playing U-boat.
- Periscope up.
- Periscope up! Well, ooh-whee doggy! My pappy designed these here submarines when I was knee-high to a grasshopper's britches.
Man alive, could I go for a cheeseburger baked in an apple pie.
[loud clatter.]
- Whoa, whoa! - Ahh! Ahh! - Vat's this? - Cambot, rocket number nine.
[Tom.]
What the some kind of octafish.
[Crow.]
That robo-squid shall be a fine soldier for the kaiser.
Once it stops killing us, that is.
Uh, hello, Mr.
Squid.
We're not really a submarine.
We were just pretending.
Oh, my mistake.
I see that now.
Got to go.
Bye.
Bye.
Well, our performances were so real, I forgot we were on a satellite too.
I still think I'm German! - [buzzer blaring.]
- [all shouting.]
Ich bin movie sign! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tyler.]
"There was only one thing we could do.
" [Jonah.]
Dance.
[Tyler.]
"Head the U-boat on a western course and try to reach a neutral American port before our fuel ran out.
" [Tom.]
"Is that my voice? Jeez.
Do I really sound like that to others?" [Jonah.]
I'm glad someone got a good meal and rest while we were doing that sketch.
Bradley.
[Crow.]
"It's Milton.
" We've been going due west for six days now.
[Tom.]
"We should have fallen off the Earth by now.
" Yet in all this time, we haven't seen one single ship.
[Jonah.]
"Or a Burger King.
" And having crossed the Atlantic, we We should have sighted the North American coast by now.
Yeah, this sure [ .]
isn't North Atlantic weather.
Not this time of the year.
[Crow.]
"What with those El Niños we've heard so much about.
" - Dietz.
- [Tom.]
"Where's Watson?" [Crow.]
"Hey, that's my arm tube.
" Either the sun is rising in the south [Jonah.]
We must be under the Earth! or our compass has been tampered with.
[Tom.]
"Maybe someone has tampered with this sun of yours.
" [Crow.]
"Pretty sneaky, sis.
" [Jonah.]
"I'm not proud.
" [Tom.]
"Told you we should have been using Waze.
" We've been going south for six days.
[Crow.]
"My monocle.
" [Tom.]
German toilet paper is weird.
[Jonah.]
"Well, better rewrite the old Constitution here.
" [Tom.]
"Hello, Miss November 1916.
Check out those ankles, huh, Milton?" [Crow.]
"It's Bradley.
" My guess is right here.
But that's South America.
[Jonah.]
"That's the opposite America of what we wanted.
" Exactly where I wanted to go.
[Tom.]
"I have a hankering for a daiquiri.
" Schwartz, talk the helm.
[Crow.]
Judd Apatow? Did you think that as commander of this ship, I would not have a master key? [Jonah.]
"Oh, I love it when the boss rubs it in like this.
You're watching a master ballbuster at work, I tell you.
" Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area.
[Tom.]
He said "area"! And we should rendezvous within the hour.
[Crow.]
"Or the pizza's free.
" And you, Commander, will be transferred to her and shot as a pirate.
[Crow.]
Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrr"? [Jonah.]
Nope.
[Crow.]
Someday the whole show will be like this.
[Tom.]
"Captain's log, I'm captain again.
So why do I feel so empty inside?" [Jonah.]
"Avon calling.
" I apologize for disturbing you, Miss Clayton.
Might I collect some of my papers? Yes, of course.
Thank you.
[Crow.]
"This is a surprisingly roomy cabin.
" Well, are you making yourself comfortable? - Yes, thank you, Captain.
- Good.
[Tom.]
"'Cause just a reminder, I will be shooting you as a pirate in, like, 30 minutes.
" Did you know that Mr.
Tyler was planning to take us to New England? - [Jonah.]
Go, Pats! - [Tom.]
Go, Sox! [Crow.]
Go, Hartford Yard Goats! I find his Yankee ingenuousness almost frightening.
You know, I'm a biologist, Captain.
I study the structure of living things, their motivations, and their behavior.
But I don't understand you.
[Tom.]
"Is it the accent?" How can anyone who is so interested in life follow a profession which is devoted to destruction and killing? The study of nature, Miss Clayton, has taught me that life is founded upon killing and destruction.
[Crow.]
Bummer.
The sea swarms with living things that prey on one another to survive.
But human beings needn't.
The ship you torpedoed contained nothing but innocent passengers, women and children.
And a hold full of arms and ammunition that would be used to kill women and children in my country.
- [Crow.]
Oh, he got you there.
- Oh, yes.
How else would it have exploded so quickly? [Crow.]
Pop Rocks? Anyway, we will talk again, Miss Clayton.
[Jonah.]
"This date is over.
" Good-bye.
[Tom.]
"Dear God, get me out of this movie.
" Mr.
Bradley.
[Crow.]
Oh, classic no-look pass.
Icebergs.
No.
There are no icebergs north of 14 in these waters.
That much I know.
[Jonah.]
"That and the Konami Code.
" Then we must be south of 14, Dietz.
[Tom.]
I do love submarine jargon.
Let's talk about the periscope.
Impossible.
[Jonah.]
Check out McClure's resting frown face.
Hello, sir.
Sinclair.
[Crow.]
"Did you need something or" Open the door.
Right, sir.
[Tom.]
Storage Wars: Submarine Edition! [Crow.]
"Ich bin occupied! Someone's in here!" - Captain.
- Mr.
Tyler.
Come on.
[Tom.]
"Not to be rude, but vasn't I in charge of ze ship again?" [Jonah.]
"What about my hands?" [Crow.]
"Just wipe them on your pants.
" [Tom.]
"Oh, you finally invited me to poker night.
" - Sit down.
- [Jonah.]
"Your mother and I thought it was time for us to start talking about college.
You know, you can't be a German officer on a submarine with your friends your whole life.
" Would you like a drink? [Tom.]
"Hell yeah, it's Oktoberfest somewhere.
" [Crow.]
It'd be great if he pulled out a Capri Sun with one straw and they just shared it.
[Jonah.]
"Rice vinegar okay?" [Tom.]
"Can't believe I'm sharing a drink with Doug McClure.
Don't blow this.
Everything's got to be perfect.
" Captain von Schoenvorts, I, uh [Crow.]
"Need the Wi-Fi password.
" - I need your help.
- You need my help? [Jonah.]
"But I'm a loser.
You had to pull me out of the toilet and everything.
" How? [Tom.]
"Introduce me to Hasselhoff.
" We're lost.
[Crow.]
"Oh, we're in my quarters.
The hallway will take you back to the control room.
I'll draw you a map of the sub.
" I will help you.
[Jonah.]
"Well, aren't you a little slice of heaven?" No.
No tricks.
No tricks.
[Tom.]
Ivory and ivory Go together in perfect harmony Side by side on my U-boat Icebergs [Crow.]
"Someone really went overboard icing their Toaster Strudel this Morgen.
" [Jonah.]
"I've always wanted to do this.
Iceberg, right ahead!" [Tom.]
That's where they harvest Paramount Pictures logos.
What do you make of it? Did you ever hear of Caproni? [Crow.]
"I've heard of Crap-a-roni.
" An early Italian navigator.
He followed Cook about 1721.
People scoffed at his claims, but I remember reading in his book in which he describes a new continent in the south seas.
A rockbound, inhospitable coast without beach or harbor, where he could make no landing.
He saw no sign of life.
Called it Caprona and sailed away.
[Jonah.]
"Gave up exploring and went to work for FedEx.
" I believe that we are looking at the coast of Caprona, uncharted and forgotten for 200 years.
[Tom.]
"Welcome to cold Jurassic Park!" Well, we'll have to do what he couldn't do [Crow.]
"Shut up.
" find a place to land.
If we don't [Tom.]
"We start a new species of fish-McClures.
" we'll die.
[Jonah.]
Which option will end the movie sooner? [Crow.]
"The Cliffs of Insanity!" [Jonah.]
Oh, I love it when you get to the beach and there's no one there yet.
[Tom.]
"You've got to work hard to be a peeping Tom out here.
" It seems there's no way in.
[Crow.]
Another bad day for U-boat Bird-Watching Society.
[Tom.]
So that's where iceberg lettuce comes from.
[Jonah.]
"Hey, I wonder if you can smoke this, man.
" [Tom.]
"Give me that.
I wonder if you could smoke this, man.
" - It is warm.
- Mr.
Bradley! [Crow.]
"That's Milton!" It's warm water, sir.
[Jonah.]
"Well, don't just stand there.
Get the cocoa!" What is it? What'd you find? Well, this is fresh water, and it's warm.
There must be a river flowing into the sea near here.
Mr.
Tyler, there is your river! [Tom.]
"I saw it first.
I name it the Tyler Stinks River, ha-ha-ha!" [Olson.]
An underground river? We'll need the wings of angels to find out where it starts.
I don't think so, Mr.
Olson.
Not with this submarine.
If that tunnel's as big as it looks, we might get through.
[Crow.]
"Besides, we're riding on a model, so that's going to work in our favor when it comes to scale.
" [Tom.]
"And so the submarine swims upstream in the hopes of finding a mate with which to spawn.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, no, it's going under The Wall.
The Night's Watch will never see this coming.
[Crow.]
"Guys, wait, I'm still on top!" [gurgling.]
[ethereal music.]
[Tom.]
So they didn't bring any food, but they brought their Yanni CDs? [Jonah.]
This submarine adventure movie is surprisingly soothing.
[Crow.]
Jacques Cousteau would have had such an easier time if he'd just used models like these guys.
[Tom.]
"I don't care what they say.
I love my Nintendo Virtual Boy.
" [Jonah.]
"We've got a visual on the octopus' garden.
" [Crow.]
"Take the shot!" [Tom.]
The hunt for murky October.
- Steady at the helm.
- [Jonah.]
"Wait, is anybody gonna repeat 'steady at the helm'? Did we stop doing that or" [Crow.]
Ugh, are they driving through Alka-Seltzer Plus? She's veering starboard two degrees.
Ease off two degrees.
Ease off two degrees.
[Jonah.]
You see, guys, McClure had to repeat himself there.
Don't make him do that! [Tom.]
"My turn to use the Victrola.
Hope you guys like Demi Lovato.
" [Crow.]
Maybe I'm remembering wrong.
Wasn't the word "land" in the title of the movie? [Jonah.]
Is she on a swing? Steady.
Both engines half ahead.
[man.]
Both engines half ahead.
[Tom.]
They're streaming this live on Periscope.
Ha-ha, I kill me.
[upbeat music.]
[Max.]
The God Monitor uses Kinga's liquid television technology, Kingachrome, to transmit images and sound in Moon 13.
Her use of the term "god" is unauthorized.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
More power.
Give me more power.
[Tom grunting like Tim Taylor in Home Improvement.]
[Crow.]
"It's okay.
Flo from Progressive says we're covered.
" We have full maximum power now, sir! Step up the mains.
It'll give us three more knots.
Herr Kapitän! Step up the mains.
It'll give us three more knots! [Jonah.]
Let the baby have his three more knots.
[Borg.]
Step up the mains for full maximum power! [Tom.]
We all die in a yellow submarine [Crow.]
Oh, listen to that.
There goes the lease.
[submarine creaking.]
Half power port.
Starboard engine one half.
Full on port engine.
- Full on port engine.
- Hang on! [Tom.]
Could someone please turn off the Spooktastic Halloween Sound Effects CD? [loud grinding, whining.]
Borg, check the aft bearings! Aft bearings! Jawohl, Kapitän! [Crow.]
Guys, it's okay.
You were overdue for your barnacle scraping anyway.
Slow both engines.
[Jonah.]
This is my fourth-favorite submarine movie.
- [Tom.]
Really? - [Jonah.]
Well, I only know of three others, so it's also my least favorite submarine movie.
Two degrees starboard.
[man.]
Two degrees starboard.
[Crow.]
"I've got a visual on something living in a pineapple under the sea.
" [Tom.]
"Take the shot.
" I see light.
[cheerful music.]
[Jonah.]
Oh, they're being born.
[Tyler.]
I think we're through.
[Crow.]
For one thing, the music on this side of the tunnel is so much more cheerful.
[Tom.]
Yeah, I feel like I'm about to see Flipper.
[Jonah breathing heavily.]
What a sight.
[Crow.]
"No pictures!" [Tom.]
He's still having flashbacks from Dinosaur 'Nam.
[Bradley.]
What is it, Mr.
Tyler? Nothing.
[Jonah.]
"Just somebody that I used to know.
" - Down periscope.
- [man.]
Down periscope.
[Crow.]
I thought we stopped doing that! [all.]
So sit right back And you'll hear a tale A tale of a submarine And a bunch of German guys And Doug McClure A three Doug McClure [Jonah.]
A three [cheerful music.]
[Tom.]
If I know this movie, there's a guy waiting on the sub to beat him up as soon as he climbs out.
[Crow.]
"Well, wherever we are better have a 24 Hour Fitness.
Body's a temple, fellas.
Remember that.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, they drifted onto the set of Avatar.
[Tom.]
"Hey, we got here just in time for Steve Aoki.
" [Jonah.]
The guy from Edvard Munch's The Scream.
[Crow.]
Well, that's either a dinosaur, an alligator, or a tire.
[Tom.]
"Eh, this place isn't so hot.
Back in the submarine.
" [Jonah.]
"Hey, locals only!" [Tom.]
Ooh, Captains & Tennille.
[screeching.]
[Crow.]
Oh, a mobile with sound effects, clever.
[Tom.]
"Ladies and gentlemen, look to the skies for the Green Angels.
" [Lisa.]
They look like pterodactyls.
[Jonah.]
"Frozen pterodactyls.
" But but they can't be.
They've been extinct for millions of years.
[Crow.]
"There's always a bigger fish.
" If I am not mistaken, that is a diplodocus.
[Tom.]
"Eating the cannabis.
" A diplodocus? [Jonah.]
You're a mean one, Mr.
Grinch [Crow.]
Where'd the French guy come from? Plesser, lay out the lead line.
Schwartz, hatch covers.
[Tom.]
"I smell Hasenpfeffers.
" [Crow.]
"Hang myself later, I guess.
" [Jonah.]
"Wait'll they get a load of me.
" [suspenseful music.]
Look at that big crocodile.
[Tom.]
"I bet he remembers when rock was young.
" - Plesser! - [Lisa screams.]
- Hey! - [screaming.]
[dinosaur growling.]
[Crow.]
"Wait, I think I can still get away.
It's okay.
" [gurgling.]
[Jonah.]
Must have had chili in his pockets.
Lisa, get below.
[Tom.]
"It's past your bedtime.
" [Crow.]
"My sea monkey! Look at him!" [growling.]
[Tom.]
Don't do that.
He thinks you're a hot dog on a Weber grill.
[dinosaur snarling.]
[Crow.]
Nessie's pissed! [Jonah.]
"No, the monster's gonna want me most.
Women and Blutos first!" [Crow.]
"Have you heard the good news about me eating you?" [Tom.]
"Joke's on you, lizard monster! You fell into a classic Doug McClure trap.
First I get my arm caught in this thing, ow.
That lures you into a false sense of security.
Then you almost bite my arm off.
Ha.
Makes you underestimate me.
And then a fat guy gives me a gun, checkmate.
I love it when a plan comes together.
" - [snarling.]
- [gunshot.]
Olson! [Jonah.]
"Next time, give me the gun that doesn't just make sound effects but shoots actual bullets!" - [snarling.]
- [gunshot.]
[all.]
Boing! Olson! [all.]
Boing! [Tom.]
So that creature's probably endangered, right? [Crow.]
Oh, yeah, for sure.
Last of its kind.
A priceless treasure.
His sweat cures cancer.
Blah, blah, blah.
Kill it! Kill it! [Jonah.]
"Nah, no plesiosaurs horning in on our territory, see? Pump you full of lead, yeah.
" [snarling.]
[all.]
Boing.
[Tom.]
"It's a new world with creatures we've never seen.
Why wouldn't it be safe to eat?" Ah, splendid, Olson.
With the compliments of the chef, lady and gentlemen.
Miss Clayton.
Is plesiosaurus a common dish in the British navy, Mr.
Olson? Ah, no, ma'am.
The chef confessed complete ignorance of how to cook such a beast.
This is an old Irish recipe I dreamed up for the occasion.
[Crow.]
Now, that's a Paleo Diet.
Thank you, Olson.
[Jonah.]
It's a primordial swamp-to-table restaurant.
Bon appétit.
Thank you, Mr.
Olson.
Should one drink white or red wine with plesiosaurus, Herr von Schoenvorts? [Lisa chuckles.]
[Tom.]
"You can really taste the guy it ate.
" [chuckles.]
[captain.]
Mmm, excellent.
[Jonah.]
"Not used to using these spiky little spoon things.
" [Tom.]
So you're really trying to convince us there's something Doug McClure won't eat? [Crow.]
"Mmm, it's not at all like a big, raw snake.
" Commander, a proposition for you.
[Tom.]
"A million dollars for a night with your chef.
" For us here, the war in Europe is meaningless, yes? And I suggest that we forget those differences and work together for our mutual survival.
That sounds good in principle, Captain von Schoenvorts.
[Jonah.]
"If that's your real name.
" But what if we were to find some means of escape? In that event, we will take the submarine to a neutral port and surrender to the authorities.
[Crow.]
"Sounds like a 'das trick.
'" All right.
But who's gonna command our little force in Caprona? I will command my men, Mr.
Bradley his.
The three of us will make the rules, and you, Mr.
Tyler, as a sort of neutral, will be in charge.
- Agreed.
- Agreed.
[Tom.]
And I guess Lisa's team mom? Our time together, gentlemen, promises to be extremely interesting.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
What do you think that dinosaur tasted like anyway? Tuna steak or swordfish or something? Eh, I bet dinosaur tastes like chicken.
It's more chronologically accurate to say chicken tastes like dinosaur, right? - Ahh.
- Yeah.
A philosopher.
- That's a good one.
- Yeah.
I know.
Missing out on the mouthwatering taste of thunder lizard? Get yourself a Moon 14 Mesozoic Ranch dino-steak.
We've been raising real dinosaurs in our basement, and this is the meal that bland forgot.
It's a lost world of flavor.
Plan to dine in the land before time.
Hit me with the jingle.
[men.]
Plan to dine in the land before time Moon 14 Oh, cool! Wait, are they raised cruelty-free? Oh, no, no.
We are very cruel.
But it's probably kosher.
[laughs.]
But who knows? These beasts died off before God made those rules.
Do it! [men.]
Meat from before the time There was language Moon 14 [chuckles.]
Mmm, our T.
Rex-cellent cut.
The king of dinosaurs is now king of your stomach.
Is he eating the band? No, no, no, don't focus on what he's eating.
Focus on what you'll be eating.
Who he's eating? Whatever.
Jingle this! [men.]
Tiny little arms But great big flavor Moon 14 Ooh, see that horn? We fill it with ground tail and smother it in Dinosauce.
We call it the Triple-Dip Tricera-Cone.
Rest assured, all human remains are power-blasted off before it reaches you.
Jingle! [men.]
Slam it on the grill And cram it in your face hole Moon 14 Yeah, I don't know.
How about a taste from the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous periods all in one bite? [mimics explosion.]
It's the plateo-stego-guanodon.
[Kinga.]
That is a plateosaurus stuffed in a stegosaurus stuffed in an iguanodon.
[laughs.]
It took 65 million years to create this meal, but you'll get it in 30 minutes or less.
[men.]
Flame-broiled, deep-fried Crime against nature Moon 14 Now a regular menu item at the world-famous Dino Hotel.
The pride of Lakewood, Colorado.
[loud thuds, snarling.]
And I just realized I forgot to lock the allosaurus' pen again.
Uh eh Uh, to the Moon 13 Mesozoic panic room.
[men.]
Never should have tampered In God's domain - Yeah - Moon 14 Yeah, yeah, we're in serious danger.
We don't need a jingle right now.
[men.]
Jingle's self-aware now And saying what he wants to Movie sign [both screaming.]
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, man, we got movie sign! - [all screaming.]
- Zoinks! Zoinks, I say! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
This looks pretty paint-by-numbers.
[Crow.]
The background or the plot? Well, gentlemen, what do you make of it? [Tom.]
"Uh, whatever you think, Lisa.
Want to go out sometime?" [Lisa.]
I'd say Caprona was a volcanic crater.
[Jonah.]
"Uh, me too.
" - A volcano, Miss Clayton? - Mm-hmm.
But it's at least, oh, 200 miles across.
[Crow.]
"Uh, how many football fields is that?" I'd say it could be the largest volcano in the history of our planet.
[Tom.]
Oh, suddenly it's "our" planet.
Ah, good.
Gentlemen, will you excuse me? I want to analyze these samples from a [Jonah.]
Bottle? very remarkable river.
[Crow.]
Oh, so that's why the water tastes so scratchy.
[Lisa.]
The water's absolutely alive.
[Tom.]
"Up microscope.
" [Jonah.]
"Up microscope!" [captain.]
They're not like anything I've ever seen before.
They almost seem to [Crow.]
"Mosh.
" [captain.]
have a purpose.
German metaphysics.
[Tom.]
"You mean eugenics?" British empiricism.
Until we find a stream or pool that is free of them, we will have no drinking water.
[Crow.]
That's a good point.
Jonah, what do you drink? [Jonah.]
Well, have you ever seen the opening of Waterworld? [Crow.]
Ew, you drink copies of Waterworld? [Jonah.]
Oh, forget it.
Stop both engines.
We're anchoring here.
Hindle, launch the boat! [Tom.]
Mastodon tusks? They themed out the boat? [Crow.]
Yeah, they swung by another prehistoric island on the way here.
[Jonah.]
"And, men, nobody talk about where we were storing this boat all this time.
" [Tom.]
"Now, remember, if we find any indigenous people, I'm the god.
" [both.]
"Yes, Mr.
McClure.
" [Tom.]
"But if it's one of those cultures that kills its god, then Bradley's the god.
" [both.]
"Yes, Mr.
McClure.
" [Tom.]
"Heil I mean hey.
" [Jonah.]
"Remember the butterfly effect, boys.
" [Crow.]
"Now to raid the fat kids camp on the other side of the lake.
They'll never see us coming.
" [Tom.]
Oh, wait, this is where they run into Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn.
[Jonah.]
Ah, fall, when a young man's fancy turns to squishy piles of leaves.
[Tom.]
Some guys have a six-pack.
McClure? He's got a keg.
[Crow.]
"Gentlemen, I give you the future site of the Caprona Five Guys.
" It's like a geologic exhibit.
[Jonah.]
"Geo-whugic exhibit?" A world of life outside of time.
[Crow.]
Like Knott's Berry Farm.
Yet representing almost all the ages of the Earth.
[Tom.]
"The '80s, the '90s, and today!" Wonderful.
Wunderbar.
Yes, wunderbar.
[Jonah.]
"I was kidding.
I'm not your friend.
" [Tom.]
Terrence Malick's Planet of the Apes.
[Crow.]
Jim Henson's Lou Ferrigno Babies.
[Jonah.]
I Was a Teenage Klingon.
[Crow.]
John Stamos? [Tom.]
People, let me tell you About my best friend He's a warmhearted person Who loves me till the end [Crow.]
The corporate team-building exercise that time forgot.
This water certainly tastes good, Whiteley.
Can.
[Jonah.]
"We'll bottle it, charge too much, and call it Evian.
" [tense percussive music.]
[Tom.]
"Cool it with the maracas.
They're gonna hear us.
" [Crow.]
Oh, finally, something that time forgot.
Give me more of that.
[Tom.]
"God as my witness, I will kill every one of these miracles.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, I can never get these Magic Eye pictures to work.
I know I'm supposed to see two dinosaurs, but it just looks like a green pattern.
Am I doing it wrong, guys? [Crow.]
"Be vewy, vewy quiet.
We're hunting Tywannosaurus wexes.
" [chuckles like Elmer Fudd.]
[Tom.]
"Ahhh.
" [growling.]
[Crow.]
Isn't it early in the epoch for these dinosaurs to be tipsy? [Tom.]
"Ahh-ahh.
" [Jonah.]
This is a scene from Field of Nightmares.
[Tom.]
"Ahh-ahh.
" [Tom.]
Khal Drogo? [dinosaurs roaring.]
- [Crow.]
"Ruh-roh!" - [roaring.]
[cavemen yelling.]
[Jonah.]
"Don't get blood on the turtlenecks.
We need those!" [gunshots.]
[Tom.]
"Don't panic.
It's a flash mob.
Just let them get their artistic expression out of their systems and they'll disperse.
" [Crow.]
"I'm trying to landscape!" [Jonah.]
They're really unprofessional cavemen.
[dramatic music.]
[Tom.]
"Look what I got.
It's one of the better ones.
I'm gonna get this one appraised.
" [Crow.]
Caveman folds up for convenient travel.
- [Jonah.]
"Go, Packers!" - [Crow.]
"Packers win the Super Bowl!" [Tom.]
Open the door, get on the floor Everybody shoot the dinosaurs Open the door, get on the floor [Crow.]
"Stop singing that! This is serious!" [Jonah.]
"If we can bag these pelts, we'll corner the luxury handbag market.
" [Tom.]
"Boy, why'd you have to go and get yourself rabies?" [roaring.]
[gunshots.]
[Crow.]
"Shoot him! He's the evil clone!" [Jonah.]
"No, I'm not! Shoot him!" [Tom.]
"Let's shoot both of them.
" [gunshots.]
[Crow.]
"Oh, they got me.
" [Jonah.]
"Gary, no! Why?" [growling.]
[Tom.]
"Yeah, oh.
" [gunshots.]
[Crow.]
Oh, good, a smaller gun.
And if that doesn't work, you can throw your shoes at him.
[gunshots.]
[Jonah.]
"All right, that's a break.
Meet back here in ten.
" [growling.]
[Tom.]
"You think he noticed us?" [Crow gurgling.]
He's going down, They're yelling timber [Tom.]
McClure three, dinosaurs zero.
[growling softly.]
[Jonah.]
They're gonna need more recipes.
[Tom.]
How 'bout dinosaur lasagna? [Jonah.]
"Nobody tell lady biologist about this, okay? Ha-ha.
" [Crow.]
Wow, the puppeteers are really into this.
Look, they're actually mimicking the death throes of an allosaurus for the moviegoing public.
[Bradley.]
Caprona has damn little respect for guns, Mr.
Tyler.
No, there's nothing wrong with our shooting, gentlemen.
In primitive nervous systems like this allosaurus, even a fatal wound might register in the brain with a delayed action.
As your saying would have it, this chap was late for his own funeral.
[Tom.]
"Late for his own funeral? Can we go back to being enemies?" [Crow.]
Right, our heroes' kidnap victim.
Forgot.
[Jonah.]
"This isn't Haight Street.
" [Crow.]
"Hey, come back and tell us how we can save 50% or more on our car insurance!" - [muffled screaming.]
- Hold him.
Hold him down.
Get him down.
Get him down.
Ga-lu! [muffled screaming.]
Shh.
- Ga-lu, Ga-lu! - [Tom.]
"Ga-lu"? - [Jonah.]
"Ga-lu.
" - [Crow.]
Galway.
- Ga-lu! - [Tom.]
Gal gal - Ga-lu? - [Jonah.]
Golly? - [Crow.]
Gallbladder.
- [Tom.]
Babalu? - Bo-lu? - [Jonah.]
Bo-lu.
- [Tom.]
Babalu.
- [Crow.]
Bolo.
Bolo tie.
- Bo-lu! - [Crow.]
Baloo the bear.
- [Jonah speaking gibberish.]
- Bo-lu.
- Bo-lu? - [Tom.]
Bowling.
- Bo-lu.
- [Tom.]
Three hundred average.
Bo-lu? Ah.
[Tom.]
"Finally, someone I can talk to.
" Ahm! Ahm! Ahm? [chuckles.]
Ahm.
Bowen.
- Bow - Bowen.
[Jonah.]
"Bowen Tyler shaved that caveman, and his name was Dr.
Steve Brule, and now you know the rest of the story.
" - Easy.
- [Jonah.]
"I'm Paul Harvey.
Good day.
" Let's get back to the submarine.
- [grunts.]
- Look out! Ga-lu! [Crow.]
"Double rainbow.
What does it mean?" - Ga-lu! - Sorry, Ahm.
No, Mr.
Tyler, he was trying to tell you something.
Well, he could have done it a little less forcefully.
He's not an animal.
He had a reason.
- [captain.]
Now we should go.
- All right.
Can we take him back to the submarine? He may be of use to us.
[Tom.]
"I do need a cabin boy, after all.
He'd be handy tidying up the place.
" [Tyler.]
"Ahm had been friendly until I tried to go south instead of north as he had indicated.
" [Jonah.]
They're rowing through a Monet.
[Tyler.]
"I was not to realize why until much later.
" [Crow.]
"Oh, you missed it.
We just shot the 'In the Navy' video.
" - [Tyler.]
Sinclair.
- Mr.
Tyler.
[Tom.]
"Good news! We found someone smellier than us.
" [Jonah.]
Bang! "Sorry!" [captain.]
On the boat.
[Crow.]
"Guys, this is my cousin Balki.
" [Tom.]
"Come on, we don't have time to spare.
Get him a turtleneck and a little hat, pronto.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, they're going back in the submarine? They were on the land that time forgot for, like, ten minutes.
[Crow.]
Test audience said fewer dinosaurs, more submarines, huh? Check it out.
[Ahm grunts.]
[Tom.]
"No have central air?" - [high-pitched whine.]
- [Crow.]
"Don't tickle the wall clown.
" [man.]
Jawohl.
Jawohl? Jawohl? [Tom.]
What's this? What's this? What's this? What's this? What's this? [Jonah.]
Repairmen hate it when you watch them work.
What an amazing experience it must be for him.
No more amazing than finding ourselves here, Miss Clayton.
His companions were a great puzzle.
Some were almost like apes, others closer to, uh [Crow.]
"Kid Rock fans.
" Such variety in a single tribe.
- Why? - [Tom.]
"Give me a second.
This sounds like a question only Brother Weed can answer.
" [Jonah.]
Ahm's your basic steampunk Jim Morrison.
There you are, my friend.
- Match.
A match.
- [grunts.]
[Crow.]
"Don't you know what this stuff does to your body?" He knows about fire.
[Tom.]
He quested for it.
He's trying to tell you that it comes from the ground.
Fire from the ground.
Could be volcanic or natural gas or - Oil.
- Herr Kapitän.
Ja? Ja? [Jonah.]
No, you give oil to the Tin Man, not the Lion.
[Crow.]
Oh, now he wants a tip.
[Tom.]
"Oh, typical caveman.
" [upbeat music.]
[Max.]
So Doug McClure and company have met a caveman companion named Ahm.
I bet that's like Rick or Ryan in cavemen talk, but so much gets lost in translation.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
We can refine it.
We've got all the equipment we need.
Nein, nein, nein.
This is crude oil.
This is no good for my engines.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- [Tom.]
"What's 'nein' mean?" It might knock the guts out of our engines, but it could get us all home.
Yes, I think it is worth a try.
- [Jonah.]
"I know.
It's my idea.
" - Good old Ahm.
[Crow.]
"Hodor.
" [Tom.]
"How delightful of Ahm to invite us to a picnic at his country estate.
We're either playing polo or Bo-Lu.
" [birds and insects chirping.]
- Come on, Ahm.
- [grunts.]
[Jonah.]
"Oh, I knew I shouldn't have carried him before.
Now he's all spoiled.
Come on.
" I said come on! [Crow.]
"What are you doing with a replica of my skull? Is that my birthday present?" - Sto-lu.
- Sto-lu.
Ahm Bo-lu.
[Tom.]
So who's Dumb and who's Dumber? - What's the matter? - Ask him.
Sto-lu.
Sto-lu.
[Jonah.]
"Su-su-sudio.
" Sto-lu botu Ahm.
- [Tom.]
Ugh.
- Ahm Bo-lu.
I think he's saying that a Bo-lu can't go beyond this point.
Yes, and this marks the boundary of his territory.
- Family tree.
- [Crow.]
Rude.
Ahm [gunshot.]
- [Lisa.]
Dietz! - [Tyler.]
Come on.
[Crow.]
Still rude.
[Ahm whimpering.]
[Jonah.]
"Ahm, I know we desecrated some kind of sacred burial ground for your people, but don't you want to be cool and hang with us?" [Tom.]
"Spot of unpleasantness, but still very much looking forward to this picnic.
Thank you, Ahm.
" - [Crow.]
Are we there yet? - [Jonah.]
Please don't.
- [Crow.]
Are we there yet? - [Jonah.]
Crow, stop.
- [Crow.]
Are we there yet? - [Jonah.]
Crow, I swear, I will turn this movie right around! [Tom.]
"How do I tell them that I love them?" [Crow.]
"All right, guys, I see a lot of hunting and not a lot of gathering.
Let's pick up the pace.
" [Jonah.]
Future site of Castle Grayskull.
[Tom.]
This is the desktop background that comes with Mac OS X Caprona.
[Crow.]
"My dearest Eulabelle, the bloody war between the north and the thunder lizards continues without end.
One of the simple local townsfolk has led us deep into enemy territory.
I miss toilet paper.
Love yours truly, Ambrose.
" [Jonah snores.]
"McClure, McClure, McClure, McClure.
" [snores.]
[Tom.]
"Hee-hee-hee.
Shh, shut up.
They'll hear us.
" [giggles.]
[Crow.]
"My mustache sense is tingling.
You know, ever since I was bitten by that radioactive mustache, I've known that with a great mustache comes great responsibility.
" [Jonah.]
"I'm going to put shaving cream in his hand and tickle his nose.
" [Tom.]
"I'm going to put his hand in warm water and make him pee.
" [Crow.]
"I'm going to bash in his head and devour his heart.
" [Jonah.]
Do Doug McClures dream of electric barbecue? [Tom.]
The best part of waking up Is Folgers in your cu - Ahh! - [groaning.]
Sto-lu! [Crow.]
Oh, could have gotten the jump on that guy if you had a weapon and weren't screaming like King Diamond.
- [gunshot.]
- [Jonah.]
Wait.
The scream didn't wake them up? [gunshot.]
[Tom.]
The Croods Netflix show is so much more violent than the movie was.
[yelling.]
[Crow.]
"Oh, joke's on you.
All part of my plan.
" [Jonah.]
Now, this is what I'd call a rumble in the jungle.
[Tom.]
When panty raids go wrong.
[gunshot.]
[Crow.]
"Emergency butt-warming, commence!" [Tom.]
I'd say they're between a rock and a fireplace.
Just an observation.
[all screaming.]
[Jonah humming Bonanza theme.]
[Crow.]
"These scarecrows should keep the pterodactyls away.
" [Tom.]
"What? I wasn't gonna dig three holes.
No, you're right, you're right.
" [captain.]
Quite right, Miss Clayton.
Yes, he's different from the Bo-lu.
His species is more advanced.
[Jonah.]
"Just look at these SAT scores.
" Sto-lu, Sto-lu! Ahm Bo-lu, Bo-lu.
[Crow.]
"Mom, Dad, you'll never understand me!" [Tom.]
"Ol' Ahmsky here is making Encino Man look like Niles Crane, Chachi.
" [Jonah.]
"Ahm have PowerPoint presentation to show you.
" [Tom.]
He's Keith Haring.
[Crow.]
Do you mean Keith Hairy? Hmm? Bo-lu.
Ahm Bo-lu.
[Tom.]
"Nobody want to play hangman?" Ahm Sto-lu.
Sto-lu.
He's saying that he'll be a Sto-lu.
[Crow.]
Hold on, are you looking at the same picture as we are? [Jonah.]
"Now tell Ahm what hobbies are.
Roller skating? Shopping? Ahm can work with that, okay.
" Ahm Ga-lu.
[Tom.]
"If Ahm get two friends to sign up and they get two friends, Ahm become Sto-lu.
" Ga-lu.
I think Ahm believes that one day, he will become like us and be known as Ga-lu.
It's not an uncommon belief that the soul of the dead is reincarnated, each time on a higher level.
No, he thinks he will actually change physically.
No.
No, no, that's impossible.
[Jonah.]
"It's not impossible.
Help me out, Lisa.
" [Crow.]
"Right, it's not impossible.
It's improbable.
" [Tom.]
"Da, it's possible.
" [Crow.]
"Ugh, wish someone would ask me.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, looks like Ahm's gonna go drop off a sack of laundry at his mom's cave on the way.
[Tom.]
"These are trees and these are trees, and come on, I will show you bush.
" [Crow.]
"Ahm, we have those too.
" [Jonah.]
"He's on a roll.
Let him have some fun with it.
" [Tom.]
Wow, BP sure did a great job cleaning up this place.
[Crow.]
"That's not oil.
Ugh.
" No, it's oil.
Oil.
Oil.
[Jonah.]
Meanwhile, the B team that didn't get to leave the sub [Tom.]
"This is my favorite part of the walk home, because we can take Ahm off his leash and just let him run around, tire himself out, do what he wants to do.
" [rumbling.]
[Crow.]
Talk about land of the lost.
Poor dummy.
[Jonah.]
"What is it, boy? Do you hear something being forgotten by time?" [Tom.]
That's Caprona's famous Five Triceratops Egg Omelet.
Brunch.
[Crow.]
"Uh, let Ahm do talking.
Ahm know these guys.
" [growling.]
[Jonah.]
"What do you mean, stopped serving breakfast? I can see the eggs!" [Crow.]
"Uh, maybe don't do that, Ahm.
" [Jonah.]
"You were supposed to be home four hours ago.
Where have you been? Why do you smell like pterodactyl?" [Tom.]
"Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Dinos.
" [all.]
Worldstar! - [Crow.]
Worldstar! - [Tom.]
"Freedom!" - [Jonah.]
"Adrian!" - [Crow.]
"Khan!" [Tom hisses.]
[growling.]
[Jonah.]
"Ding-ding! Back to your corners.
" [Crow.]
"Round two, fight!" [screeching, growling.]
[Tom growls.]
[Jonah.]
"Now we're a family.
" [Crow.]
Jonah, is this how the dinosaurs did it? [Tom.]
"Why did I think my tiny arms would give me an advantage?" [Jonah.]
"Triceratops wins.
Finish him!" [snarling.]
[Tom.]
"And with a kiss, I die.
" [growls.]
[Crow.]
"Obviously, we kill the other one and take the eggs, right? Or not.
" [Jonah.]
"Coming up after The Land That Time Forgot, Adrienne Barbeau stars in Swamp Thing.
" [Tom.]
Why are there so many songs About lands forgotten? Bradley, get everyone back to the submarine.
Man the gun.
- [Crow.]
"Go fight that thing yourself.
" - Go on, Ahm.
[roars.]
[Jonah.]
"That's the same dinosaur we just saw fight the other dinosaur, right?" [Tom.]
"Yes, I think so.
" [Crow.]
"We look nothing alike.
You're so racist!" [Jonah.]
"Let's kill it, right? I mean, we shouldn't not kill it, right?" [Tom.]
I don't see how a styracosaurus isn't everyone's favorite dinosaur.
It's like someone ordered a triceratops with a side of spikes.
[Crow.]
Ah, these guys have an insatiable appetite for lizard meat.
What happened to those two allosauruses that you killed yesterday? [Jonah humming "Baby Elephant Walk".]
[Crow.]
The land that time forgot to edit.
[Jonah humming "Baby Elephant Walk".]
[Tom.]
Okay, they probably have a good shot against just one dinosaur for sure.
Oh, snizzle-dizzles! [dinosaurs growling.]
[Crow.]
"Do you know the street value of all that ivory?" [Jonah.]
"Yeah, and their feet will make amazing wastebaskets.
" [Tom.]
"Welcome to our performance of Waiting for Godot, starring Stabby as Estragon and me, Pointy, as Vladimir.
" [growling.]
[Crow.]
"Zuul!" [Jonah.]
It appears the hunters are still the hunters.
That was less ironic than I thought it was gonna be.
[Tom.]
"Come on, guys, if we hurry, we can still catch the last ten minutes of the dinosaur walking around scene.
" [Jonah.]
"I'm worried by the time I get to it, I might not be in the mood to kill anymore.
" [Crow.]
"The styracosaurus moves through the forest, unaware it is stalked by its natural predator, the World War I German U-boat captain, in a dance as old as time itself.
" [Tom.]
"Tyler, do you remember why we're following this guy?" [Crow.]
"Oh, who cares? It's just a good excuse to spend time together.
" [Jonah.]
If this takes any longer, the dinosaurs are gonna evolve into birds and fly away.
[growling.]
[Tom.]
"Let's bum-rush these dickweeds.
" [roaring.]
[Tom.]
Whoo! [doors clanking and whirring.]
So real John Grisham fan, huh? Oh, yeah, I read this one six times, mainly 'cause it's the only book on the ship.
I actually hate John Grisham.
Jonah, can I ask you something? The caveman in the movie says he'll turn into a human, and that made me wonder, when do I turn into a human? Well, you? There's so much to learn about.
Love, death.
Do I want children? Where do I cut my toenails? I never had toenails before, and now I need to know how to cut them? Well, maybe we should talk about this, Crow.
It may not be something you need to worry about.
Sure, to you.
You've always been human.
But I've got so many questions.
When do I get eyelids so I can start winking? Will my parts change one at a time, so I'll have, like, human arms and legs but a gold metal body? That'll look weird.
Kids will make fun of me.
Well, look, Crow, there's a lot of great things about being human.
Sure, there are downsides, but if you were human, I think you'd come to like it.
That being said, I do have some bad news.
I guess what I'm saying is, do I have to turn into a human? Because it seems kind of miserable.
Humans have laughably little processing power.
You're always getting fat.
And don't even get me started on what you do in the bathroom.
- Well - So can you turn off the part of me that turns me into a human, please? Yeah, sure, buddy, I think I can do that.
Beep-boop-bop-bop.
All right, there you go.
That should do it.
Now you're a cold, soulless machine.
- Ah, you really mean it, Jonah? - Yeah, bring it in, buddy.
Whoa, whoa, no, thank you.
I already narrowly dodged being encased in human flesh once, but thanks.
When you wise up and decide to turn into a robot, I'll be here for you.
- Oh, thanks, buddy, I appreciate - [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! - Movie sign! Oh, my Grisham! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Crow.]
I've got a golden ticket I've got a golden ticket [Bradley.]
Borg, fire two rounds.
[gunshot.]
[Jonah.]
"Quiet, we just put the baby down.
" - Can you see anybody? - Yes, they're watching.
[all.]
Only because we have to.
Get out! [Tom.]
"Oh, yeah, we forgot to say" [Tom and Crow.]
" it's a living.
" Your Mr.
Bradley is taking his time.
Shh.
Don't worry about Mr.
Bradley.
Just keep an eye on those monsters.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, you realize that "dinosaur" and "monster" are not interchangeable words, right? [Crow.]
Hmm, do you think they say anything cool when they shoot that missile, like, "It's missile time," or something fun like that? - [Jonah.]
I don't think so.
- [Crow.]
That's a shame.
I would.
Seems like the main perk of shooting a missile.
[both snarling.]
[Tom.]
"It was an honor to be killed by you, Mr.
McClure.
" [Crow.]
"Wax on, wax off.
" [Jonah.]
"Thanks, I stand to inherit millions from him.
He's the heir to the Sinclair fortune.
" [Tom.]
"Good thing we don't mate for life.
Back to Tinder.
" [Jonah.]
"Should we let him go?" [Crow.]
"No, he's seen our faces.
" [Tom humming "Baby Elephant Walk".]
You know, there's a secret to this island.
Something that we haven't been able to fathom yet.
[Jonah.]
"That's why it's a secret.
" And whether we stay or get away may depend on it.
[Crow sniffles.]
"And they say I'm cold-blooded.
" Donkey Kong! [imitates video game noises.]
[Jonah.]
"Okay, white guy, checklist.
- Kill all the animals?" - [Tom.]
"Check.
" - [Jonah.]
"Take the natural resources?" - [Tom.]
"Check.
" [Jonah.]
"Okay, use locals as slave labor.
" - [Tom.]
"Check.
" - [Jonah.]
"Build a church?" - [Tom.]
"Check.
" - [Jonah.]
"All right.
" [Crow.]
"Okay, guys, let's keep this scene sharp.
Mr.
McClure, you're the blueprint guy.
I love Ahm, and I love his occupational therapist.
Guy moving the barrels, you're doing awesome, very convincing.
Guy with the hammer, right now, it looks like you're aimlessly hammering all over the frame.
Pick a nail and just focus on it, thank you.
" - [Tom.]
"Down microscope.
" - [Crow.]
"Down microscope.
" It's the same in the microscopic world.
[Jonah.]
"Except big.
" Creatures at every stage of evolutionary development.
The same with the men, the same with the animals.
[Tom.]
"Same with the Sleestaks.
" Millions of years of evolution embraced on this island.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, what am I doing here? That T.
rex is such a jerk.
There was no party at the moon tower.
He got me.
I'm so embarrassed.
This happens every time.
" [Tom.]
"I thought that moon tower thing would be funny, but I just feel really bad about what I did to Pam.
I'm eating to forget.
" [Tyler.]
"Von Schoenvorts was right.
The creatures of Caprona were like those that existed in prehistoric times.
" [Crow.]
Ahm's master's voice.
[jazzy music playing.]
[Jonah.]
"Come on down to Caprona Craft Brewery.
We only use the finest barley, hops, and rice for our Triceratops IPA and our Micropachycephalosaurus Stout.
It's brewed in the Land That Time Forgot, but you won't forget having the time of your life.
" [Tom.]
"Caprona Craft Brewery, owned by Caprona Craft Associates, New Ulm, Minnesota.
" [Crow.]
"It's Oktoberfest at the Caprona Craft Brewery.
It's not really October, but we say that to get you in the mood for drinking.
" [Jonah.]
"Drink responsibly, and don't come after us if you happen to kill somebody.
Caprona Craft Brewery is owned by Caprona Craft Associates, New Ulm, Minnesota.
" [Tom.]
"All the oil you can eat, boys! Come and get it!" [Crow.]
The cameraman clearly suffers from social anxiety.
[Tom.]
Tomorrow belongs to me Mr.
Tyler, I suggest that we divide the men into groups and each group takes turns.
[Jonah.]
"Hating each other.
" Hunting, building, refining.
[Crow.]
"Bathing Ahm.
" Good idea.
They're just blowing off a little steam, Lisa.
Well, Ahm, we'll be going home soon.
[Tom.]
"You're fired.
" Ship, ship.
Ship, hmm? - Going home.
Ship? - [grunts.]
Uh, submarine.
[Jonah.]
"Don't patronize me.
I'm a veteran.
" Ga-lu.
Ga-lu! [Crow.]
"Oh, there's just no pleasing this guy.
" - Botu.
- Botu, I know what that Yeah, yeah, I know.
I know.
That means death.
[Tom.]
Oh, look, it's Crosby, Crosby, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.
[Crow.]
I've been working On the railroad I don't know what that is [Jonah.]
No one knows what it's like To be a Bo-lu To be a Ga-lu Behind rubber nose [Crow.]
"Get off my plain, spelled P-L-A-I-N.
" [Jonah.]
"This Claritin-D makes me really sleepy.
" Where's our friend Ahm? He usually eats with us.
- Ahm! - Miss Clayton.
[Crow.]
"Look straight, toes forward, chin up, move naturally, and when I reach the end of the runway, pause and lean on one hip with lots of attitude, go.
" [Tom.]
"Hey, guys, just came to get my stuff back.
You look, uh you look good.
Foraging for nuts and berries suits you.
" [Jonah.]
"We're collectively breaking up with you.
" [Tom.]
"You wanna get nuts? Come on, let's get nuts!" [Crow.]
These are the quietest cavemen.
[Jonah.]
"Give me one pull-up, maggot!" [Crow.]
"All right, Ogg, one more job, one final score, "and then I'm out of this cave game for good.
I'm evolving out of this life, and this time, I mean it.
" [Tom.]
"Is the smoke still coming out of the tubes? Great.
I'm a great captain, I am.
" Well, it's your turn today, huh, Mr.
Tyler? How many more barrels do we need, Captain von Schoenvorts? Oh, I would say another day might do it.
This might be your last hunt.
[Jonah.]
"Is it 'cause you've wiped out the species?" - Auf Wiedersehen.
- Auf Wiedersehen.
[Tom.]
I'd like to stay And taste my first champagne [Crow.]
But first I'll shoot Some dinos in the brain [vocalizing.]
[Jonah.]
Hey, they walked into a John Denver album cover.
[Tom.]
I'm leaving on a submarine Don't know when I'll be back again [Jonah.]
"Follow me.
I've been building my own little submarine out of palm leaves and clams.
" Each time, we've had to go further and further north to find game.
That's exactly why I came.
I think we're getting nearer the source of life on Caprona.
Lisa, this might be your lucky day.
[Tom.]
"You know, like when you find a curly fry in your order of regular fries.
Or when they only charge you for a medium Slurpee when you get a jumbo.
Or, ooh, there was this one time when I found a Band-Aid in my Big Mac, so they gave me two more Big Macs for free.
Found Band-Aids in those too.
Guess what.
Six more Big Macs.
" [Crow.]
Oh, what a coincidence.
They all threw out their backs at the exact same time.
[Jonah.]
"Right here, it's the perfect place for the first nap of the day.
" [Crow.]
Power from giant coconuts? Brilliant! - [Tyler.]
It's a Sto-lu encampment.
- [Jonah.]
What's a Sto-lu again? [Tom.]
It's a Bo-lu.
I mean it's a Ga-lu.
I don't know.
[Crow.]
It's Proto Gabriel.
Do you remember those samples we took from the river? Yeah.
And the spawn we looked at under the microscope? This must be how life begins on Caprona.
That's the secret.
Every creature must lay eggs in this way.
[Jonah imitating Friday the 13th score.]
- Mr.
Tyler! - [thunk.]
Ahhhhh! [gunshot.]
[Tom.]
Oh, good, caveman attack.
I was worried Tyler wouldn't get to kill something today.
- [gunshots.]
- [screaming.]
[Crow.]
"Uh, hello, gun for me.
I shot a man at the start of the film.
" [Jonah.]
Watch out for snakes.
[Crow.]
Rob Zombie is Peter Dinklage in Grizzly Adams.
[screams.]
[Tom.]
"Who's the doughy man who won't cop out when there's cavemen all about?" [Crow and Jonah.]
McClure [Tom.]
"Oh, yeah, McClure's as tough as a three-day-old Wendy's burger, which he would eat.
" [Crow and Jonah.]
Doug McClure [Crow.]
"My chance to kill Ahm and make it look like an accident.
" [Ahm grunting.]
[Jonah.]
"Hey, I know that dude.
" [dinosaur screeching.]
[Tom.]
It's a drone strike! [growling.]
[Ahm grunts.]
[Crow.]
"Please, Pee-wee! Play fetch with me, Pee-wee, please.
" [Jonah.]
Listen, I know it's a pterodactyl attack, and that's crazy, but weren't there a bunch of other characters in this scene? The other sailors, the girl, the cavemen? [Tom.]
No, this scene is crowded with people, but this is how Doug sees his world.
Just him and Ahm and a pterodactyl.
[Crow.]
Doug McClure prepared for this part by rubbing chum in his hair and letting seagulls dive-bomb him in the mall parking lot.
"Please, Pee-wee, please.
" [upbeat music.]
[Max.]
You're watching The Land That Time Forgot on MST3K.
Buy moon bonds where you work and bank.
[screeching.]
[Jonah.]
Ah, you know, Spirit Air truly is the bottom of the barrel.
[Tom.]
"Oh, no, don't strain yourself trying to save me, McClure.
We're only best friends.
Or did you lose that bracelet I made you too?" [dramatic music.]
[Crow.]
"So you're Ahm? Okay, cool.
So I'm taking you down to the convention center? All right.
You need a bottle of water, phone charger?" [Jonah.]
"Good night, sweet caveman, and may pterodactyls scream thee to thy rest.
" [Lisa screams.]
[Tom.]
"Ah, poison ivy, poison ivy.
Why didn't I wear shoes?" [cavemen shouting.]
[Crow.]
Oh, good, looks like she found a book club.
She's making friends.
[all shouting.]
[Jonah.]
So I guess the next stage in Sto-lu evolution is MMA enthusiast? [Tom.]
"I say Fitzgerald's later work fails to fulfill his early promise!" [Crow.]
"How dare you? The Crack-Up is a masterpiece of a confessional memoir!" [Tom.]
"Ew, cooties.
Get her away from me, ew!" [Crow.]
"I got five bucks on the smellier caveman.
Any takers? No?" [Jonah.]
Man, all this fighting just makes me want to fight.
Come on, let's fight, Crow.
Come on.
- [Crow.]
Oh, I don't know.
- [Jonah.]
Oh, come on.
What are you, a wimp? Huh, Crow, you a wimp? You want to be a wimp all your life, huh? Wimp! [Tom.]
Hey, guys, come on, take it easy.
[Jonah.]
Oh, it's okay, we're just roughhousing.
Huh? Huh? - [Crow.]
Hi-keeba! - [Jonah.]
Ow! [Tom.]
Ooh, finish him.
Now I'm into it.
[Jonah groans.]
Thanks, Crow.
That was fun.
We can do stuff like that, right? - [Crow.]
I'd rather not.
- [Jonah.]
Okay, cool, I hear you.
[Tom.]
"Safe!" - [whistles.]
- [Crow.]
And with the bravest whistle ever, he saves the day! [Jonah.]
"Hey, go get help.
" [Tom.]
"Should I go? Or I I'll just go.
" [Crow.]
"Meanwhile, at the dawn of time" [Tom.]
"The Earth, in all its majesty, pops another zit.
" [Jonah.]
Jeez, you forget to offer a virgin sacrifice to the volcano one time.
[Crow.]
Why are those rabbits sleeping upside down, Jonah? [Tom.]
"Where am I goiiiiing?" Kapitän, the last barrel has been filled, and we have a stock of food and water aboard.
May I request permission to withdraw from the stockade and rejoin with the U-33? But Mr.
Tyler and the others aren't back yet.
So? We're better off without them.
[Jonah.]
"I disagree! Remember how I said wunderbar? I'm your friend.
" [Tom.]
"I'll just hide by these precarious rocks.
" [Crow.]
"Miss, you dropped your scrunchie!" [Jonah.]
Oh, no, the Styrofoam reserves.
[Tom.]
She was right to wear that tracksuit.
[Crow.]
"But me thought paper beat rock.
" [Tom.]
From river to volcano to jungle.
Everything in Caprona is so conveniently close.
[Jonah.]
"I didn't kill my wife!" [Crow.]
"I don't care!" [Tom.]
"If I hurry, I can still get there before they stop serving breakfast.
" [Lisa screams.]
[Jonah.]
"Sounded like muffins.
" [Crow.]
Hmm, looks like the ground evolved into quicksand.
[Tom.]
"Caveman, stop.
I'm not trying to save you.
" [Crow.]
Oh, right into the Death Star trash compactor.
[Jonah.]
"Juicy brains.
Ahhh-ahhh!" [Tom.]
"Oh, yeah, all my pores are opening.
I can feel the toxins leaving my body.
" [Crow.]
"Hey, come on, we're missing the fireworks.
Let's go.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, okay, that is not CGI.
They're actually throwing fire at Doug McClure.
[Tom.]
"I know I said I wanted you to be more spontaneous, but this is not a good time for me.
" [Crow.]
Oh, he's holding the first Far Side cartoon.
[Jonah chuckles.]
We cannot wait any longer, Kapitän.
At least let us get aboard the ship.
[Jonah.]
Again, actual hurled fire.
Very well, Dietz.
[Crow.]
"I'm not even pretending I understood that.
" Botu! [Tom.]
"Come on in, the water is fine, if you get my point.
" [Crow.]
Oh, that guy blowed up good! [Jonah.]
All kidding aside, you really have to admire the willingness of the star to run through fire for the sake of entertaining us.
He didn't have to do that.
[Tom.]
"Let's get to the pantry.
I bet that dinosaur meat is probably perfectly cooked by now.
" Bradley! [Crow.]
"Ahh, repent!" [Jonah.]
"We were told it would be a comet! A comet!" [Tom.]
"Going extinct is so lame, bro.
Ahh!" I don't like the look of the lake, Kapitän.
It's getting worse every minute.
If we stay here much longer We're not leaving without them! [Olson.]
Look out, Skipper! [gunshot.]
Don't be a fool, Dietz.
[Jonah.]
It seems the real dinosaur was man.
Get them below.
[Tom.]
"I'm the captain now.
I'm somebody!" Slow ahead, both engines.
[Crow.]
"Just because I'm fatally wounded doesn't mean I'm not going to play.
" - Leaving? - [Tom.]
On a submarine We are leaving? [Jonah.]
"I want you to know I was the one drinking the formaldehyde out of your specimen jars.
" [Gypsy.]
Armageddon tired of this.
[Tom.]
"Dietz big man.
Pilot sub, ja.
" [Jonah.]
Trying to run away Into the night And then you put your arms around me And we hello in the night, I say we oh [Crow.]
"Guys, we're in a submarine.
Quit cutting ones, ugh.
" Give me the searchlight! You cannot! [Tom.]
Okay, what idiot set the water on fire? [Jonah.]
Fox Searchlight Pictures presents - Dietz! - [Crow.]
"How's it going?" [Jonah.]
Okay, what gives? Dietz wasn't in two-thirds of the movie, and suddenly we're supposed to accept him as the big bad guy? Auf Wiedersehen, Mr.
Tyler! Auf Wiedersehen! - [Tom.]
"Ciao!" - [Lisa.]
Stop! - Dietz! - Wait! [Crow.]
"Fare thee well!" [Jonah.]
"Sayonara!" [Tyler.]
Von Schoenvorts! Hope you enjoy your stay.
[Tom.]
Grant Wood's Land That Time For-Gothic.
Dive, dive, dive! Borg! I told you to submerge.
- Nein, nein! - Get back to your post! [explosion.]
[Jonah.]
Ah, all the combustible dinosaur meat finally ignited.
[Crow.]
"Well, at least we can assume they died quickly.
" [Tom.]
"How did we survive that explosion? I'm not complaining.
I'm just curious.
" [Jonah.]
"This is for not letting my buddy get his sweater back!" [Crow.]
One last command change for old times' sake.
[Jonah groans.]
[Crow.]
I'm taking this NCIS fan fiction to hell with me.
[Tom.]
"So now, Lisa, I guess you have to go steady with me.
" [Jonah.]
That's okay.
A submarine is supposed to sink under the water.
[Crow.]
"Ooh, hot dog burp.
" [imitates belch.]
[Tom.]
"Good-bye, turtleneck.
" [Jonah.]
And we end as we began, with an exploding ship.
Time truly is a dramatically flat circle in which we are all trapped and on fire.
[Tom.]
"Well, at least we still have our old friend Ahm.
" [Crow.]
"Uh, yeah, about that Let's talk about Ahm tomorrow.
I'm Batman.
" [somber music.]
[Jonah.]
Plot twist, it was Ireland the whole time.
[Tyler.]
"With the sinking of the submarine, all our hopes of getting away from Caprona have disappeared.
" [Tom.]
"So we made a Lord of the Rings movie.
" [Tyler.]
"We're alone, spurned by even the highest, the Ga-lu.
" [Crow.]
"Not gonna lie, it stings.
" [Tyler.]
"So we have to go on in the way of Caprona till we find peace.
" [Tom.]
So you're in a beautiful land of plentiful resources with a hot blonde lady? Boohoo.
[Tyler.]
"I would rather live here with Lisa than to live elsewhere without her.
And she says the same of me.
" [Jonah.]
"Of course, our options are pretty limited.
" [Tyler.]
"If God wills it, we shall live our lives here.
However, we are determined to move ever northward, ever forward, toward the greater mysteries that lie ahead " [Tom.]
"Mostly snow.
" [Tyler.]
" of this land that time forgot.
" [all cheering.]
[Crow.]
So basically his decision to board the German sub led to the deaths of everybody on board both ships and countless endangered species.
The end.
[Jonah.]
And Cruella de Vil and Jon Snow lived happily ever after.
[Tom.]
"Okay, find your receivers.
Go long.
This one's for Ahm!" [grunts.]
[Jonah.]
"In care of Simon & Schuster, New York, New York.
" [Tom.]
"Wait! That was my thermos!" [Crow.]
Oh, no, it's starting over! [dramatic music.]
[Tom.]
So what's someone supposed to do when they find that message? Is that sea captain who found it really supposed to journey to an undiscovered island and brave dinosaurs, cavemen, and volcanoes just to rescue two goofs? [Crow.]
Oh, Colin Farrell's in it.
[Jonah.]
I wonder if Steve James still gets recognized on the street after playing the first Sto-lu.
[Crow.]
The Land That Time Forgot will return in The Land That Time Forgot 2: The Remembering.
Question mark? [doors clanking and whirring.]
You know, that movie gave me a great idea.
- Oh? - I hurled a bottle into space with a note in it.
Now someone will read it and come and save us.
Exactly what didn't happen in the movie.
Well, yeah, true.
It's implied they'll just die there, isolated from the rest of humanity.
So what did you say in this message? "Help, I'm trapped with four robot companions, being forced to watch bad movies, unlike the rest of society, who choose to watch bad movies on a weekly basis.
" You're saying you don't really care if we get rescued or not.
Well, and I mentioned if they bring space suits to rescue us, I'm pretty tall and I need a little extra room in the groin-ocological region, if you catch my drift.
And then also I talked about how in fourth grade, everyone started calling me "Phillip.
" You know, my name's not Phillip, and I thought I was gonna go insane.
Luckily in fifth grade, I changed schools.
Slightly off-message.
Oh, you know, once I started digging, I couldn't stop, but look, all the necessary info is there.
Now we just got to sit back, relax, and wait to get rescued.
Okay.
You softhead! We're in the infinite vastness of space.
The odds of anyone finding your message are a trillion billion million Kinga, Kinga, look, I found a bottle with a letter in it.
Finally, I have a pen pal.
This poor guy, he and his robots are being tortured by two horrible villains.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna send this bottle back as a care package.
I mean, I hope they like black licorice and Pixy Stix.
[smooth jazzy music.]
Push the button, Max.
[Ahm screaming.]