Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Oh, hey.
Welcome to the Satellite of Love.
I'm Jonah Heston.
You caught us bingeing our favorite show, Wings.
We just started the Amy Yasbeck years.
And she's no Farrah Forke.
That's for sure.
So when does Paul McCartney come in? Uh, that's a different Wings.
[screaming.]
Quiet, I can't hear Thomas Haden Church.
[upbeat music.]
[man.]
In the not-too-distant future [man.]
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- [man.]
Next Sunday A.
D.
- [man.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
[man.]
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? [man.]
A distress call came in for him At half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon [Kinga.]
I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - [singers.]
La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Now, keep in mind That Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends [man.]
Robot roll call [together.]
Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow [man.]
If you're wondering How he eats and breathes - And other science facts - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 Aw, man, you guys didn't pause the show? - Man.
- [beeping.]
Oh, man, now the Mads are calling? Man.
Cock-a-doodle-don't, my prisoners.
Time for the invention exchange.
Hey, did you see the one where Lowell buys the wax museum? Now that was Must See TV.
Enough! I'm gonna let Servo do the invention this time.
Well, thank you, Jonah.
[clears throat.]
It's Turkey Day, and in the quest for deliciousness, you decide to fry your bird.
There's just one problem.
Dropping a turkey into a deep-fat fryer is a good way to lose 40% to 80% of your skin to oil burns.
Ugh! Solution? The Fried Turkey Dunk Tank.
Hit the target and the turkey drops right in.
Take a throw, Jonah.
Well, I don't know.
By putting a turkey where a person would've been, it really anthropomorphized it in a disconcerting way, like, you know, when they have a barbecue restaurant sign that has a happy pig on it.
Okay, but and come with me on this What if that turkey said, "You suck at baseball, and your mom is fat"? "And your girlfriend is a loser.
" Now he can talk? Well, then I definitely don't want to fry him to death.
Jeez.
Oh, mayo-mustard-naise.
I'll dunk that loudmouth turkey.
But first, beanbag chairs, long the seat of choice for the laziest among us.
But what if you combined the comfort of a beanbag chair with today's active lifestyle? Then it would be the Mexican Jumping Beanbag Chair, the only beanbag chair that's constantly jumping.
Ha.
Max, what did you do to the beanbag chair? Well, I'm a real germophobe, so I gave it a good spraying inside and out with Lysol, and then, just to be safe, I gave it a good zap in our maxi-microwave oven.
You killed the moth larvae inside the beans.
Ew, I hope so.
No, Max, that's what makes the beans jump.
No! Can you just sort of No! What have I done? Why? Okay, just throw it away.
Your experiment is a pecs-and-princesses epic starring Jayne Mansfield, Jayne Mansfield's husband, and the rest of Jayne Mansfield.
It stinks like feta cheese.
Enter the nightmare-fueled world of The Loves Of Hercules.
Send them the movie.
Movie in the hole.
Oh, wow, I was wrong.
This turkey is amazing.
Shh, Wings.
[buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! - It's Schramm, David Schramm.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
[Crow humming.]
[Crow.]
Oh, so nice that they left their forwarding address in case we have to send the movie back.
[Tom.]
The Loves of Hercules: A Greco-Roman-tic Comedy.
[Jonah.]
The thinking man's Bettie Page.
[Tom.]
He was originally Mortimer Hargitay.
[Crow.]
That's my favorite Starbucks drink.
[Jonah.]
Didn't he develop McNamarama, the film process? [Tom.]
Alberto Manca is Man of La Manca.
[Crow.]
And Carlos is living La Ludovico.
[dramatic music.]
[Jonah.]
Voiced by the Center for Disease Control? - [Jonah.]
"Not it.
" - [Crow.]
"Not it.
" [Tom.]
"Not it.
Hey, I froze you.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, we're at the edge of the state fair, where all the less reputable food vendors are.
[Crow.]
Hey, looks like Prometheus is stealing fire.
Nice one, ah? All right, I'm out.
[Tom.]
"We've got to get over to the Caligula set.
" - [Crow.]
Utinni, utinni.
- [Tom.]
Utinni! [Jonah.]
Yeah, wrestling is fake, but you got to admire the athleticism and the clothes.
[Crow.]
"Here, let me just rub my sword against the back of your neck.
" Help, help! Aah! [Tom.]
"My bundle of cantaloupes.
I'll never carry melons again.
" You must get away, hurry.
[Jonah.]
"It's PETA.
They've found us.
Get this stuff out of here.
Hurry up.
" [Tom.]
"It's the Pier 1 semiannual fire sale.
Everyone saves.
" Aah! [Crow.]
"This is wrecking my Clash of the Titans cosplay.
" [Jonah.]
Miley Cyrus's dad? - Are you Megara? - Yes.
Yes, I am.
What do you want here? [Tom.]
"More oil for my hair, naturally.
" If you want our gold and silver, if you want our herds of cattle, everything we have, then take them with you and spare the lives of all those innocent people.
It's your own life that matters to us.
My own life? What for? To your misfortune, you happen to be the wife of Hercules.
By killing you, we are killing what he loves more dearly than anything else in the world.
[Crow.]
"Except Milk Duds.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, it's a pickle.
Help! Murderers! Let go of me.
Please have pity.
[Tom.]
"Ah, my achy breaky heart.
" Hercules will avenge my death.
I hope he will.
I'll make his vengeance fall on the very person I wish to destroy.
[Crow.]
"I could still see your lips move, Brian, and the talent show is tomorrow.
" [Tom.]
Eugene Levy is Euripides, on SCTV.
[Jonah.]
Oh, look.
It's Mary and Joseph.
"Nope, we're full here, too!" Has it been done? Your orders have been carried out precisely.
As always, I've obeyed my Lord and King.
Ha! Well done, Licos.
[Crow.]
"Ha, you get me.
" I would like to be here tomorrow to enjoy the bitter torment of Hercules.
Why, he'll be in such a state of despair that he'll wish with all his heart that he'd been killed as well.
- Right.
- [Tom.]
So Armor All? But he'll never allow himself to rest until he's had his vengeance.
When he comes to learn the truth behind this, he'll destroy us all.
How will he come to learn it? He will seek the culprit among his enemies, and you are the one he despises most of all.
Ah, my deeds cannot be undone on that account.
Of course not.
[Jonah.]
"I do like having a secret with you.
" [Tom.]
"Nothing!" There is a way out, however.
What way? Hercules possibly would listen to reason if he could be convinced that the assassin who killed his wife has been put to death.
Traitors! [Crow.]
"And tomorrow was my birthday, too!" [Jonah.]
"Why do I keep doing that? It's like I panic, and then I just go into default mode.
Ugh.
" I helped you to do it, but what are we going to tell the populace? And Deianira? The populace thinks we came here only to fight our enemies, and they'll be honored when they hear that their king has fallen valiantly on the battlefield.
You who can see truth in shifting sand, in the rippled surface of water [Tom.]
"That's me, your oracle.
" Or in the flight of birds across the skies [Tom.]
"Okay.
" To whom the stars reveal their secrets [Tom.]
"And your point?" And the fates disclose the mysteries we mortals see [Tom.]
"I'm ready to give you an answer now.
" Tell me if the Gods have been placated at last, if after endless labors, I shall have peace.
[Tom.]
"Are you done yet? Are you still going?" [Gypsy.]
It's Helena Bonham Carter.
Hercules, I see the ocean in a great tempest.
[Gypsy.]
More like Amy Sedaris.
I see a raft dragged along and tossed in the wake of a mighty vessel.
- [Crow.]
Georgie Jessel? - [Jonah.]
Huh? This vessel I see is the divine wrath of the gods brought on yourself.
[Tom.]
"Nobody likes Vogon poetry.
" Your whole life, Hercules, will be as this raft, swept by wind and waves.
[Jonah.]
Even flow What misfortunes? What new sufferings will I have to endure? I may not reveal it.
All is obscured by a heavy mist.
- Speak.
- [all bark.]
Tell me more.
Tell me my destiny.
[Crow.]
"Tell me why I insist on dressing this way.
" What's happened to you? Iolaus.
A terrible thing has happened.
[Tom.]
"Dreadful, even.
" [Crow.]
"I saw it in the window and just had to have it.
" Who wounded you? We were caught in a frightful surprise attack.
The encampment was totally destroyed, and no one but me is left alive but one.
No one? No one, not even your own wife.
Who did it? Speak.
Who did it? - [all bark.]
- Tell me.
Eurytus.
[Tom.]
Urethras? [Crow.]
"Wait, that's Ethel Merman down there.
" You'll be swell You'll be great Gonna have the whole world on a plate [Jonah.]
Typical road crew.
Takes 16 guys to close a door.
[Tom.]
Of mountaintops With him on top, lemon-yellow sun [Crow.]
"Oh, yeah, the foreman's putting the pole up.
Nice.
" Open the gate.
I want to speak with your King.
[Jonah.]
"It's-a me, Hercules.
" [Tom.]
"Sorry, I'm closed.
" Don't you hear me? [Crow.]
"In the name of my tiny nipples.
" - Open up the gate! - [Crow.]
Man, I thought that nipple thing would get more of a reaction.
Now I'm just kind of feeling low.
[Tom.]
Look, the pen is mightier than the fjord.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, goats-a make-a me so angry-a.
" [Crow.]
"Wait, something's not quite right.
Oh, okay, ready now.
" [Jonah.]
Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing.
[all.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Tom.]
"Oh, this is heavier than I thought.
Okay, coming through.
Man carrying an entire tree.
Look out.
Oh, this is heavy.
Oh, this hurts.
Oh, I didn't anticipate this.
" "Oh, Jimmy.
" [Crow.]
"Okay, okay, I'm just gonna stay here and do short ones.
Okay.
Oh, crap, I was using the wrong end.
Okay.
Okay, come on, give.
Fall down, you stupid, stupid door.
" [Jonah.]
Barricade by committee always ends like this.
[Tom.]
Actually, I'd like to see Vin Diesel do something like this.
[Jonah.]
Can't find a better man [Crow.]
"I haved breakeded the door.
" [Tom.]
"So, Hercules, aren't you gonna bring me in, too, for the proud processional into the city? No? Okay, so I get it.
You're just gonna go in on foot.
Well, good on you.
I'll just stay here, then, your trusty, forgotten horse.
I hate him so.
" [Max.]
Hercules has consulted an oracle and picked up a tree.
So when is he gonna get busy and introduce us to the loves of Hercules? You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[upbeat music.]
[excited chatter.]
[Jonah.]
"LiveNation and AEG proudly present his royal badness, Prince.
" [Crow.]
"And the Dixie Chicks.
" Hercules has forced his way into the city.
We can do no more to restrain him.
[Tom.]
"Oh, by the way, hello.
" If you wish, we are ready to the last man to give our lives in your defense.
[Crow.]
Lady Gaga's backup dancers? Why shed needless blood? Hercules has come to kill my father, whose governance of guilt I have inherited.
It is my duty to meet Hercules alone.
What do you intend to do? As I've already told you, I intend to entrust my life to his clemency.
Whether he shows you clemency or not has nothing to do with our laws, and you know it.
The populace will still demand that you submit to the supreme trial to satisfy Themis, the Goddess of Justice.
As I've already told you, I intend to entrust my life to his clemency.
[Jonah.]
Uh, okay, one question, though, Deianira.
Are you going to entrust your life to his clemency? Deianira? [Crow.]
"Welcome to giant bowling with Andre the Midget.
" [Tom.]
Your tax dollars at work.
Look at those stairs, I should have brought my slinky.
[Jonah.]
"All I can make out from here is breasts, two of them.
" [Crow.]
A kiss on the hand May be quite continental [Tom.]
"I can't quite tell from here," but she seems like someone I might want to grant clemency to.
" [Jonah.]
"Hey, welcome to Planet Fitness.
My name's Rick.
I'm one of the trainers here.
And I'm in a unique position to offer you a $10-a-month membership, no commitment.
That's right, I said no commitment.
" [Tom.]
This place would actually make a great setting for a casino.
[Crow.]
"Are you hiring?" Who are you? I am Deianira, daughter of Eurytus.
[Tom.]
"Yeah, I didn't get any of that, so I'm just gonna call you Rhonda.
" But where is your father? Why did he send you? My father is dead.
[Jonah.]
"To me.
He wouldn't buy me a chariot.
Long story.
" Dead? [Crow.]
"He sounds like Ren.
" Yes, my father has paid with his life for the murder of your wife.
[Tom.]
"I didn't mean for that to rhyme.
" I have given my people orders not to fight.
If you still seek revenge, take my life.
[Tom.]
Someday I'll have a chest like this, and when I do, I'll finally have a Whoa! Your people need not be afraid of me.
[Crow.]
"I good personality.
" And I will not avenge myself on a defenseless woman, even if you are the daughter of the man who was my greatest enemy in life.
Your generosity condemns me to a trial far worse than death, of which you are aware.
You mean the trial of Themis? [Tom.]
Wimbledon? Yes.
She, the Goddess of Justice and Retribution, must be appeased.
So my people demand.
Look.
[Jonah.]
"Yeah, lots of people down there.
Look at them all.
Jeez.
" Our people fear the gods more than the anger of man.
Come.
[Crow.]
"I think I have a bra I can loan you.
" [fanfare blares.]
[Tom.]
"The Many Loves of Hercules, featuring an international cast of nearly 25 extras.
" [cheering, excited chatter.]
[Jonah.]
I don't get why people are so mad.
I think Euro Disney looks great.
- Sound off! - [Tom.]
One, two! - [Jonah.]
Sound again.
- [Crow.]
Three, four! [Jonah.]
King's call, one, two, three, four.
[Tom.]
Salute, hey.
[all.]
Uptown funk you up Said uptown funk you up Uptown funk you up Said uptown funk you up [Jonah.]
Uptown funk you up.
[chuckles.]
I cannot be the executioner of your queen.
That is impossible.
We're not forcing you to take this risk.
If you refuse, a soldier chosen by lot will replace you.
If Deianira should refuse to face the judgment of the goddess, the populace would no longer acknowledge her as their lawful ruler.
Besides, they would consider her responsible for any future calamities befalling the people of Ecalia.
[Tom.]
"What he said.
" [Crow.]
"I'm working on my tan.
" [Jonah.]
"Presiding over the event, Lawrence Welk.
" [Tom.]
"Thank-a you, thank-a you, and I want to thank Geritol, the multi-vitamin dietary supplement, yeah.
I'm nothing if not topical.
" Oh, Deianira.
Oh, my Mistress, you don't have to.
It's so useless.
They know you're innocent.
Aleia, come.
You must trust the Gods.
I want to prove that my father's guilt has been expiated.
[Crow.]
Expiated? Thesaurus: The Movie.
- Come.
- [Jonah.]
Huh? What? Oh, it's the movie.
[Crow.]
Oh, yeah, they got Jesus.
He's a ringer.
[Tom.]
"Your hair smells so good.
" Deianira, are you still determined to undergo this trial? Yes.
I am certain that Themis will steady the hand of Hercules.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, well, I had to ask.
Suit yourself.
" [Crow.]
"Ugh.
Who tied this last? Come on.
Give me a break.
" [Tom.]
"Here, let me just check your blood pressure real quick.
Thank you.
" [Jonah.]
Hey, can we get going? [Tom.]
The Phantom of The Opera is here [Crow.]
I like this.
They're standing so everyone can be on camera.
[Jonah.]
"Even me.
" [Tom.]
Why are they tying her up with hair extensions? [Jonah.]
"No need to feel awkward.
I'm a professional.
" [Crow.]
"Your nipples are too small.
" Her life is in your hands.
[Tom.]
"Don't choke.
" He'll never be able to do it.
Nobody has ever been known to overcome this trial before.
Hercules has overcome trials that were harder by far than this one.
[Jonah.]
He cut my bangs.
There's nothing to fear.
[Crow.]
So the whole trial is just a carnival game? [Tom.]
"Hercules has chosen the nine ax, and now the pressure's on.
Let's see what he does.
" Do you want another man to take your place? No.
[Jonah.]
"Hercules for Axe Body Spray.
" If they're righteous gods, I must succeed.
[Tom.]
"So, if I kill her, it's not my fault.
" [Crow.]
"Still here.
" [Jonah.]
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
- Hurrah! - Well done, Hercules! Did you see that? Hercules couldn't possibly miss.
[Jonah.]
"Attaboy, Herc.
" Look there, he's ready now to throw the second one.
Oh, I can't look.
I just can't.
[Tom.]
"Do I make my move?" [Jonah.]
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
He's done it again! [Crow.]
"We know, Jerry.
We're all watching.
You don't have to yell every time.
Sheesh.
" [Jonah.]
Why isn't she returning any of his serves? [Tom.]
"Whoa, the shakes again.
" [Crow.]
"I could tickle him.
" How wonderful! [Tom.]
"Great, you missed her again, loser.
" [Jonah.]
"Time for go to bed.
" Oh, heavens.
Poor thing, she's fainted.
It's too much.
Never you mind now.
It's almost over.
In a moment, your mistress will be safe and sound.
- You'll see.
- [Tom.]
We'll be right back.
Oh, Zeus, my father [Crow.]
Ugh, name-dropper.
stand by me.
[all humming "Stand By Me".]
- [Crow.]
He's got an ax! - [Tom and Jonah scream.]
Hurrah, Hercules! Why, how dare you? Who are you? Why, I'm Timanthes.
I'm shield bearer to Hercules.
You should show me a little gratitude.
Gratitude? And what for? Well, I kept your spirits up all this time, didn't I? Ha.
[Tom.]
"That subreddit was right.
She's so into us.
Wink.
" [Crow.]
Oh, typical, now that the ax-throwing is over, everybody's crowding around.
[Jonah.]
I miss my dead wife [joyful sweeping music.]
It looks like your plan is a complete failure.
We must get together in the council hall at once.
[Crow.]
"Ooh, my thoughts exactly.
" Deianira.
[Tom.]
"Herc, you're the dreamiest.
" Oh, my lady.
[Crow.]
Oh, man, she's been drooling everywhere.
[Jonah.]
"The Herc abides.
I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that.
It's good knowing he's out there, The Herc, throwing axes for all us sinners.
" [doors clanking and whirring.]
Why am I tied to a wall? Inspired by the movie's ax-throwing trial, we're trying you for your crimes in a little bit of high-concept fun we're calling "People's Throwing Court.
" What? If something hits you, you're guilty.
If it doesn't hit you, you're still probably guilty.
That doesn't make sense.
People's Throwing Court is now in session.
For the crime of always wanting to play Jenga, when we have plenty of other games that never get played with, the gods find you [both.]
Guilty.
Whoa, hey, I didn't know you could use a catapult.
I thought you were gonna throw, like in the movie.
Look at my arms.
It's why I have a disadvantage at Jenga.
Yet you always want to play.
- It's fine - For the crime of poorly impersonating Tom Jones, even when we beg you to stop Oh, come on, is it that Unusual to want to talk like Tom Jones - Guilty.
- Guilty.
Ugh, whose was that? Yours.
For the crime of not wanting to have cold spaghetti thrown at you That's a crime? That's ridiculous.
- Guilty! So incredibly guilty.
- It's insane how guilty you are.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, no, we got movie sign! Get me out of here, get me out of here.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
Hey, oh.
[Jonah.]
Why is she standing behind a giant napkin? - [Crow.]
Oh, it's hanky panky.
- [Jonah.]
Oh, hey, hey.
Servo, get down from there.
Crow, get over here.
[Tom.]
Yeah, there's the robe.
Forget it.
- [Jonah.]
How was it, though? - [Crow.]
Terrible.
She wasn't even wearing any underwear.
[Tom.]
"I feel refreshed.
" I've laid out your lovely new dress for the embroidery.
You see, I knew it would please Hercules.
Why do you know the taste of Hercules? Oh, I? No, it was Aleia who told me so.
- Aleia? - 'Twere she.
Aleia has a reliable source of information about Hercules, and she also told me that Hercules is in love with you.
Enough.
Stop this silly talk.
[Jonah.]
"I've got to see what all this fuss is about.
Oh, right.
" Where is Aleia? She's down in the garden, I believe.
She's head over heels in love with Timanthes, who is one of the companions of Hercules.
The younger one, need I say? [Tom.]
Keep them doggies rolling Rawhide Good vittles, love and kissing All that I've been missing I don't even care that my wife died Rawhide It's obvious now that Deianira has fallen in love with Hercules, and I'm also beginning to suspect she will fail to keep her promise.
When Achilles comes here, he will remove every chance of a marriage between Deianira and Hercules.
How could he do that? [Crow.]
"La, la, la, la, la.
Wall guy gonna lick you.
" Achilles is a very hot-tempered and impulsive young man.
He will not hesitate to challenge Hercules.
Tell me, do you seriously expect Achilles to be able to kill the son of Jupiter himself? It is far more likely that Achilles will lose his life.
Don't you think so? [Jonah.]
This guy's got his own puppet stage and everything.
Then you're expecting Hercules to kill Achilles.
I not only expect it, but I am positive that Achilles will be killed.
Deianira will hate the man who kills Achilles.
Hercules will be disgraced.
Our beloved Queen will then be left all alone, and through her, we will finally gain control of all Ecalia.
[Tom.]
"Next time we're taking the elevator, and that's final.
" [Crow.]
Yeah, I get it.
It's like a double date for all four of them.
[Tom.]
"Thanks, Herc, this one's a real looker.
" [neighs.]
Look.
[Jonah.]
"It's like a Thomas Kinkade painting horrible.
" In all my land, this is my favorite walk.
I agree with you.
It is wonderful.
[Jonah.]
"Eeh.
" Strange, but it seems as if I had never seen this place before.
It has become so much more.
You know, perhaps there is some truth in the old saying that pleasant company can make any spot a place of beauty.
[Crow.]
No.
It's getting late.
We should return home before the night sets in.
Help! Will no one help me? Have mercy on me.
He's been murdered.
He's been murdered.
[Jonah.]
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" [Tom.]
"Yes, the screenwriter.
Let us go, but let us not go too quickly.
" Make way for the Queen! [Crow.]
"And get Hercules a cold one.
I'm kidding.
" What's happened here? Alcione has made off with my whole herd of cattle.
And he murdered my poor husband.
Look at him.
Alcione? Who's he? - He's a wild beast.
- He's a monster.
For one whole year, Alcione's been pillaging my people, and after each deed, he hides himself in the most inaccessible of places.
Any man who has ever tried to fight him has never come back.
It's the truth.
He's like a curse upon us.
He takes our women from us by force.
He drives away our flocks and slaughters any man who crosses his path.
Return to your homes now.
It's almost night, and this place is dangerous for you.
[Jonah.]
Wait, somebody's already dead.
How is it gonna get more dangerous? [Tom.]
And thanks for enforcing the curfew on a bunch of adults.
[Jonah.]
Yeah.
[Crow.]
Yeah, way to break up the murder party, jerk.
[Jonah gasps.]
Griffins? Chimeras? No, it's just seven cows.
Stay here.
I'll stop them.
[Tom.]
"Okay, I won't do what you said.
" [Crow.]
"We're all lactose intolerant! Run!" [Tom.]
"Eat more chicken.
" [Jonah.]
"I'm so bad at horsing!" [Crow.]
Is that a man dressed up as a woman? [Tom.]
"Bulls, get back to your houses.
It will be dark soon.
" [Crow.]
Yeah, that's a guy.
[Tom.]
And what's wrong with that? [Jonah.]
It's a rigatoni Western.
[Tom.]
"Oh, my gosh.
Lady, are you okay?" [Crow.]
He's gonna bounce right off you.
[Tom.]
"Russ Meyer presents Ferdinand the Bull as you've never seen him.
" [Jonah.]
I'm having flashbacks to a burger I ate in Palm Springs.
[Tom.]
"And this first date was going so well.
" [Crow.]
Oh, yeah, that bull's got murder in his big, dewy eyes.
[Jonah.]
Battle stance, toddler style.
"Mommy!" [Tom.]
"This rowing machine sucks.
" [Crow.]
"Herc, that's not how you milk it.
" [Tom.]
Hey, that's a different bull.
[Jonah.]
Are we gonna get one of those "no animals were harmed" cards in the credits? [Crow.]
"I found a more comfortable position, thanks.
" [Tom.]
Now the bull is losing its paint.
[dramatic music.]
Did you see that? [Tom.]
Now, that's obviously a stunt man.
[Crow and Jonah.]
And your point? [Tom.]
"I haven't fainted in nearly ten minutes.
" [Jonah.]
"Good job, Elmer.
She bought it.
We'll split the money later.
" [Crow.]
"Man, I am really nuts about this [straining.]
girl.
I just want to carry her off camera.
Are we off yet?" [Jonah.]
Can we please pick one of these bulls and stick with it? [Tom.]
"I'm allergic to ketchup.
" [Crow.]
"I wanted to use coconuts for this, but Party City was sold out, so we're going with a tiki theme.
Hope that's okay.
" Drink this.
There is no need to cry.
Now you are out of danger.
[Tom.]
"And my mouth doesn't move when I talk.
" Let me thank you.
You risked your life.
And I would again, a thousand times, if your life were in peril.
[Jonah.]
"Sheep attack? I'm your man.
" Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always mine.
[Crow.]
Stalker alert.
Please do not speak like this.
Why not? [Tom.]
Because she's cowering in disgust.
Deianira, until I met you, my heart had lost its peace, but you have calmed the pain, the boiling rage, and the hate by which it was possessed.
I love you, Deianira.
No.
Let's go.
[Jonah.]
"I can see this is a rebound thing.
" [Tom.]
"Is that a portal to another dimension?" Don't leave.
There is something about you that I can't understand.
You're escaping from me, as if my words make you afraid.
No, you're wrong.
I should've told you ever since I met you.
[Achilles.]
Deianira.
[Crow.]
"Nothing!" Deianira.
But you seem almost displeased to see me.
Why, no, to the contrary.
[Jonah.]
"That's just my RBF.
" Some peasants just told us you'd been attacked by a wild bull.
Is this true? [Tom.]
"Is this him?" Yes, I was being rushed by this bull, and Hercules fought and killed him.
[Crow.]
"And then we made out, and then we made out again right over here and then there.
" - I am Achilles.
- [Jonah.]
"Oculo Rift.
" Let me thank you for having saved the life of my wife-to-be.
[Tom.]
Buffering.
[Jonah.]
Processing.
- [Crow.]
Compiling.
- What? [Jonah.]
Download complete.
[Tom.]
Buffering.
- [Jonah.]
Processing.
- [Crow.]
Compiling.
But then you [Jonah.]
Download complete.
It would appear you haven't taken the time to inform your guest of our forthcoming marriage.
[Tom.]
"It's just that you're dressed like a coffee filter.
" Very well.
Now you know.
Have you promised yourself to this man? [Crow.]
"Prowsed.
" Achilles and I are intended for each other.
It was my father who wanted it.
Your father has committed many errors in his life, and it appears to me this choice was one of them.
I'll teach you to insult me.
[Jonah.]
"First you mock me in front of my fiancée, and then you disarm me like a child and throw me into a wall.
" Look out.
[Crow.]
"Now bow down to my tiny nipple.
" [Jonah.]
Popcorn GIF.
[Tom.]
Upskirt action.
[Crow.]
"Now you're my little baby.
" Hercules.
[Crow.]
He's a ceiling fan.
- No, don't kill him.
Let him go.
- Let me go! [Jonah.]
"He's got a sensitive system.
" You're lucky.
[Crow.]
"That's the last straw.
" Achilles.
[Crow.]
All right, I'll see myself out.
Thank you.
[Jonah.]
"I still want children.
" Oh, my poor boy.
[Tom makes muffled talking sounds.]
I see.
[Crow.]
"Herc's taking his fine, brown body and getting out of here.
" Right now I will leave Ecalia.
[Tom.]
"That's not your coat!" [Jonah.]
Meanwhile, at IKEA [Crow.]
"Ugh, those meatballs are not sitting well.
" Oh, Deianira, please don't weep so, I beg of you.
[Tom.]
"Yeah, you have a race car bed.
Sweet.
" You're right.
Futile tears.
Tears are not a queen's privilege.
I don't understand what you mean.
Hercules loves you.
That's the only reason he went away, but all you need to do is It is duty to marry Achilles, there's no other way for me.
This being so, it is better that Hercules never comes back.
Deianira.
Licos sent me.
I have to tell you something terrible.
- Speak! - [all bark.]
Prince Achilles has been assassinated.
[Crow.]
"Oh, and happy Easter.
" Where? By whom? No one knows.
He was just found with a dagger in his back.
Oh.
[Tom.]
"You know what this means? Girls' night out.
" [together.]
Whoo! [Jonah.]
"Let's hold hands as we run.
" [Crow.]
I wonder what that was all about.
[Tom.]
"So who's this guy, then?" I recognize it.
This dagger belongs to Hercules.
[Jonah.]
"Check it for fingerprints.
" Yes, I've seen it, too.
He carried it in his belt.
[Tom.]
"I don't know anything about fingerprints.
You check it.
" - So this is why he fled.
- What are you saying? [Crow.]
"You're not wearing that, are you? That color is not doing you any favors, honey.
" I, too, could scarcely believe my eyes.
[Jonah.]
"You want to check it?" But this dagger leaves us no other conclusion.
Look carefully at the handle.
Two serpents intertwined, the symbol of the god Mercury.
[Tom.]
Freddie Mercury? I know that no other man except Hercules ever possessed a dagger like this one.
No, never.
It cannot be true.
However, Hercules would've killed him when we met in the hut if it hadn't been for your intervention.
And Hercules had good reason to want to kill Achilles.
[Crow.]
"Stop crowding me with logic.
" What is it? Do you know something? Yes.
Maybe.
[Jonah whispering.]
"If anyone needs me, I'll be in the fireplace, and that's not a Doctor Who reference.
" [Tom.]
"Here, check it again for fingerprints.
" [Max.]
The Satellite of Love is where Jonah and the bots reside.
It also houses the Mystery Science Theater.
Yep, this whole time, that was the name of the actual theater.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
Hercules! [Jonah.]
"And cut.
" [Crow.]
"Oh, am I still in this movie? What gives?" Timanthes, what's the matter? Hercules, Achilles has been murdered.
[Tom.]
"And I'm Peter Pan.
" Why did you have to hurry with this news? Because they're trying to set a trap for you and say you did it.
He was found with your dagger thrust in his back.
- My dagger? - [Crow.]
"My dagger?" Everyone's accusing you.
They're saying you've run away.
Everyone believes it, and by now, even Deianira's convinced of it.
Deianira? Iolaus, saddle my horse immediately.
[Jonah.]
"And fetch my shorter skirt!" Hurry! O noble and most valorous Achilles, committed here your time into the realm of the Underworld, leaving the throne destined for you vacant.
[Tom.]
Only want to see you Standing in some purple hair [all.]
Purple hair, purple hair never cease to plague us until a lasting vengeance has been exacted for your murder.
[Crow.]
"I just know there's one more egg around here.
" [Jonah.]
"This is a nice water feature.
I'm just hoping there's a bathroom at the bottom of it.
" Licos.
[Tom.]
"Have you seen Zeppo?" What's this? Why aren't you attending the ceremony? I sent for you because Hercules has returned.
He's entering the palace right now.
What are we to do? Nothing.
We'll confront this situation also.
Hercules will discover the truth, and he's bound to suspect us.
Hercules will be merciless.
[Crow.]
"And now I have to tinkle for some reason.
" [Licos.]
Find a hiding place.
But where? Where can I go? Across the river, beyond the gates of the Underworld.
You're sure to be safe from him there.
What are you going to do? [Crow.]
"Don't touch the merchandise.
" You're as guilty as I am.
Don't be afraid for me.
I will join you later.
[Jonah.]
"See what I did there? It's a real cool way of saying, 'I'll see you in hell, ' for the people keeping score at home.
" You will be committing a sacrilege if you persist in this outrageous disrespect.
Far be it from me to commit a sacrilege.
Achilles, if you can hear me, I call you as my witness.
[Crow.]
"Um, we think he's dead.
" I have come here for immediate clarification of the charges you have made against me.
[Tom.]
"Ooh, left me hanging.
" We here do not accuse you, but your own dagger, it was found embedded in the body of Achilles.
How could anyone suspect me of such a crime as this? [Jonah.]
"I'd like to weigh in.
" I have shown nothing but friendship to you and the people of Ecalia.
Hercules is right.
Deianira, our grief must not prevent us from listening to Hercules with an open mind.
[Crow.]
"Thank you!" We all know him as a fair and righteous man.
[Jonah.]
Who's the guy in the long johns and the bathrobe? Yes.
You're right.
Let us hear Hercules.
[Tom.]
"Thanks for being late, Trevor.
" [Crow imitates flatulence.]
Speak.
[all bark.]
You remember that with my dagger, I have killed a charging bull.
Distracted by Achilles' arrival, I was unable to retrieve it.
True, and had I not come between you, you would've killed him then.
But I did not kill him.
[Crow.]
"That's right.
" At that moment, my only thought was to escape from Ecalia.
I had lost whatever reason I had for remaining here.
The murderer of Achilles must have used my dagger for his plan.
[Jonah.]
"On prom night?" But we were only three, I, Achilles, and Philoctetes.
Yes, Philoctetes.
[Tom.]
"I'm not Philoctetes.
" [Jonah.]
"I know I'm not Philoctetes.
" [Crow.]
"Then I must be Philoctet" But where is Philoctetes? Go and find Philoctetes and bring him here immediately.
[together.]
Philoctetes! Philoctetes's not here.
I must take the blame for having sent him away.
Where did he go? [Crow.]
"Phila-tel-phia.
" Towards the gate to the Underworld.
With a good horse, it should be easy to overtake him.
I will find him.
[Jonah.]
"Wait.
Who am I going to find again?" I will bring Philoctetes here and throw him at your feet until he confesses the truth.
[Tom.]
"Like a bouncy ball.
" [Jonah.]
"The Virginia Tourism Board welcomes you.
We'll do anything to get you here.
Seriously, anything.
Please come.
" [Crow.]
Wow, early Mario Kart was really different.
[dramatic music.]
[Tom.]
He seems to have ridden into some kind of promotion for Mountain Dew Mist.
[Jonah.]
See that pink smoke? Nowadays all this would just be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and sterile.
[Crow.]
Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest.
[Jonah.]
Right.
[Tom.]
"Hmm, no signs.
I should be able to park here for the rest of my mortal existence.
" [Crow.]
How do you get pink smoke? [Tom.]
That's easy, you crash a Mary Kay cosmetics car.
[Crow.]
Oh.
[Jonah.]
"And action.
Don't look at the camera.
Cut.
" Philoctetes! [Crow.]
"You left your phone charger at the palace.
I brought it for you.
" [Tom.]
"Shh.
I'm a sneaky pineapple head.
I was never here.
" [Hercules.]
Philoctetes! [Jonah.]
This is why we have to do all we can to preserve our state parks.
They offer the most scenic gateways to hell.
[Crow.]
Awkward or most awkward way to enter a cave? [slurping.]
[Tom.]
"Always be sure to back into hell, for safety.
" [Crow.]
What kind of hell spawn would need that much angel hair pasta? Aah! [Jonah.]
"My pearls.
" [Tom.]
Snuffleupagus? [Crow.]
Tough way to go, giant noogie.
[Tom.]
"Oh, wicked.
Hell's new roller coaster is open, The Inferno.
Sweet.
" [Jonah.]
This is weird.
Why are they only showing us little bits of the monster? Are they trying to be seductive? [Tom.]
Well, it's working for me.
Look at those cute nails.
[Crow.]
Yeah, and that tail.
Don't get me started.
[Tom.]
Oh, look at those hindquarters.
It's so right there.
It knows what it's doing.
[Jonah.]
Okay, all right, stop.
[Crow.]
You know, this is a real problem all over Florida now.
People get these dragons at pet stores when they're little and cute, they get tired of them, don't want to take care of them, and then dump them in the Intracoastal Waterway.
Next thing you know, you're going to dinner on the water, and you're looking at something like that.
[dramatic music.]
[Tom.]
"It's the new Pete's Dragon from Walt Disney Pictures.
" [Crow.]
"That means he likes you.
" [Jonah.]
"Attacking from the side is too safe.
I'll go to the front, where the mouths are.
Aye-ga-ga-ga.
" Help me! [Crow.]
"It's making me sick.
I want to get off.
" Two men went through the gates to the Underworld and headed for the cave of the Hydra.
[Crow.]
"Okay, Mickey, let's try this again.
As you know, we've only got one Hydra, so please don't damage it.
Remember, we're doing pickup shots with the extra tomorrow.
If you must stab it, only use the marked plunge points and the rest of the time, only light taps, please, with the flat side of the sword like we discussed.
Thank you.
" [Jonah.]
I feel like I'm watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios.
[Tom.]
I know this is a Hercules movie, but this Hercules just doesn't seem that strong at all.
[Jonah.]
It's like you're being attacked by a Mardi Gras float.
[Crow.]
Oh, good, he's going back to the sword strategy.
[Jonah.]
Oh, would you stop it? You crawled under there, Herc.
You can crawl right back out.
Oh, come on! [Tom.]
"The new Battle Damage Hercules with his friend, Screaming Useless Philoctetes, both included in the new Hydra's Lair play set.
Comes complete with everything you see here.
From Playmates.
Battle ax sold separately.
" [Crow.]
Hey, I've got an idea.
Maybe the weapons were laying around because they were ineffective! Come on, man! I fall over in disgust.
"I'll come back and murder you later.
" [Tom.]
You know, I bet that Hydra head in the middle wishes he was one of the Hydra heads on the side.
[Jonah.]
Why is that? [Tom.]
Well, you get a little more privacy that way.
[Crow.]
Just keep chopping, Mickey.
This is all going to cut together beautifully.
[Jonah.]
"Take your time.
I've been here for a thousand years.
Another fifteen minutes won't kill me.
" [Tom.]
I've been chopping on the Hydra All the live long Finally! [Crow.]
Yeah, it's like trying to open your own crab at a seafood restaurant.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, yeah, the neck is where all the good meat is.
You want that.
" [Crow.]
Surprise, Herc.
You got two more heads.
[Tom.]
"Thank goodness no one was filming this.
" [Jonah.]
"I got bumped by a Hydra.
Now I have inner-ear problems.
" The monster's wounded him.
We must go and help.
[Tom.]
"Are you live-tweeting this, Debbie?" [Crow.]
"This is gonna be an awesome spot for the cast party.
" [all humming jazz music.]
[Tom.]
Oh, we could've totally kept that going.
[Jonah.]
Ah, I think they got the point.
[Tom.]
Oh, still.
[Jonah.]
"Yeah, brah, Hydra vape life.
Crank the ohms on your e-juice.
" [Tom.]
"Shouldn't we be worried about the Hydra?" [Crow.]
"No, as long as you don't go directly under the claws or mouth, you're fine.
" [Jonah.]
Classic RPG move, loot the bodies.
[Crow.]
"Do you realize how much duct tape it's gonna take for us to repair that Hydra?" Who are you? My name is Nemea.
You're in the domain of the Amazons.
Tell me, what is your name? I am Hercules.
Hercules.
[Tom.]
"Steve Hercules?" [Jonah.]
Did you know Hydras are the most carbon-neutral animals in existence? [Crow.]
Really? [Jonah.]
Yeah, they eat lead and dioxin, and they excrete rainbows and happiness.
- I read it on Wikipedia.
- [Crow.]
Oh, wow.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
Hey, do either of you guys know how to make a UCD? Uh, no.
Anyway, I'm just saying Hercules was wrong to slay that Hydra, and monster-hunting is an antiquated worldview.
And I'm saying all this mythologically correct bull-pucky really twists my skirtlet.
But an increasing number of ecologists see the Hydra as a sort of keystone species.
Oh, you really want to see Hydras everywhere, gobbling up warriors and horses, leaving their scat all over the place? Hey, the proper term is "pellets.
" Oh, hey, Jonah, want to pass over that box of Grown Man Bowl Cut cereal, please? Um, hey, Crow, weren't you saying that some scientists don't believe the consensus on Hydras? - Oh, come on! - Yeah, yeah.
They're clearly paid servants of the heroism-industrial complex.
Oh, you're perpetuating a hoax created by bleeding-heart monster lovers.
Hey, Heston, can I get a pull on those Bowl Cuts? Tom, weren't you telling me heroism is just anti-monster racism? What? It's getting where heroes can't even go on an epic quest anymore.
You mean to perpetrate imperialist thievery? Ever heard of the Golden Fleece? He's the protagonist.
Everything he does is noble.
Oh, my goodness, I cannot believe how many offensive things you've said in the last two minutes.
- Oh, yeah? - In fact, I'm making a donation in your name for Habitat for Hydra-nity.
So, hey, uh, how about those Bowl Cuts? - [buzzer blaring.]
- I can't do it.
We've got movie sign.
- Movie sign! - Movie sign, come on! - Move this beanbag! - I didn't get any Bowl Cuts! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
"Thanks for holding the citronella torches, soldiers.
You're doing a great job repelling the mosquitoes.
Someday we'll put in poles, and you can head into town.
" [Crow.]
"Guys, parade's canceled.
" [Jonah.]
Well, at least they're following the concussion protocol.
[somber music.]
[Tom.]
You know, this Esther Williams Western really isn't working for me.
[Crow.]
I guess Banksy was here.
[all coughing.]
Leonia! [Tom.]
"Say, are you in the mood for a little sponge-bath action?" Where can I find Queen Hippolyta? She's in the Forest of Death.
Today it was Democritus who met his doom there.
Go to her.
We must inform her at once.
[Crow.]
"Right away, bossy boots.
" [Tom.]
Looks like McDonald's PlayPlace has gone to crap.
[Crow.]
"Hey, hey.
Hi.
Hey, over here.
Hey, hi.
" In the name of our great love Hippolyta, don't condemn me to this agony.
[Crow.]
"Steve?" Save me.
Have mercy on me.
Kill me if you wish.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, I think we've all been there.
You know, you're pleading for your life, and you just can't think of what else to say next.
Oh, have mercy on me.
I'm sure he didn't wail like that when he was lying in your arms.
[Tom.]
"Actually, he's doing a pretty apt portrayal of our time spent together.
" Save me.
[Crow.]
"Mm, I could watch this all day.
" A few moments more, and his sufferings will be over.
[Jonah.]
Sure, but what about us? Watch him, watch him.
He's almost transformed into a tree like all the other men you've loved.
[Tom.]
Feminism's secret agenda.
We have found a man who is badly wounded.
He fought and killed the Hydra of Lerna.
What's this? It's true, and he's Hercules, the son of Jupiter.
[Crow.]
"Thanks, Expositia.
" The son of Jupiter? Hurry! Maga, come with me.
[Tom.]
"Hey, I just wanted Maga to come with me.
We don't all have to go to the bathroom together.
" [Jonah.]
So I wake up in the morning And I step outside And I take a deep breath And I get real high And I scream at the top of my lungs What's going on? And I say hey, yeah Uh, maybe call a doctor.
I don't think rubbing water on his forehead is going to do anything to close the gaping chest wound.
[Crow.]
"Well, my job's done here.
" [Tom.]
"We'll just let that seep in.
"It's just one of the many amenities we offer here at Chicken Spa.
" - [squawks.]
- [Crow.]
"Next up is our salt treatment.
Let me just rub this right into the wounds.
" [Tom.]
"Oh, someone's coming.
We'll wax him later.
He's a mess down there.
" [Jonah.]
Fun fact, this was actually Lena Dunham's original pitch for Girls.
[Crow.]
"The overflow lot is full, your highness.
" [Tom.]
"Dignity, ladies.
Remember, we're Amazons.
" [Crow.]
"Your highness, we think we seasoned him just like you like, but you might want to check.
" [Jonah.]
My God, it's a society founded on Busby Berkeley musicals.
[Tom.]
"It's Hercules, all right.
We ID'd him by his tiny nips.
" Are you sure this man is really Hercules? You wouldn't have any doubt if you'd seen him in combat with the Hydra and how he killed it.
[Jonah.]
"Plus, he dropped his wallet, so, you know" Is he still alive? Yes, he is, but he's lost a great deal of blood.
[Crow.]
"Ugh, ick.
Too much information.
" Maga, I want you to cure him.
He mustn't die.
You know my secret remedies have never failed yet, but when I have restored his life to him, he surely will not be grateful.
[Tom.]
"The co-pay is outrageous.
" You're only saving him so he can serve your pleasure and die even more atrociously.
No mortal man has ever escaped from our domain alive.
Not even the son of Jupiter will be treated as an exception.
[Jonah.]
"The son of Will Smith, however" Maga, I want you to cure him, and you will be in charge of him.
[Crow.]
"And if you abuse this privilege, I will know.
" [Tom.]
Do make sure he gets outside every now and then.
" [Jonah.]
"Come on, girls, let's go hate men somewhere else.
" [Crow.]
"Yeah.
" [Tom.]
"Okay, ladies, time to take out the trash.
" [Jonah.]
One day that stretcher will be shipped by drones, on account of them being Amazons and all and and their similarity in t-the name and the the online shopping service.
Have you considered what you are doing? [Tom.]
"Yes, I even journaled about it.
" You cannot treat Hercules as though he were any other man.
He is the son of Jupiter.
Are you trying to say that the Queen of the Amazons is not worthy of the son of Jupiter? Hercules will never surrender to your fatal allure.
Another woman occupies first place in his heart.
Let him look once at me.
He will be like all the others.
No, don't you believe it.
You won't succeed with him that way.
If you want him to fall in love with you, you must assume the appearance of the woman he adores.
And not appear as myself? There's nothing else you can do.
There's no other way.
[Crow.]
"You're homely.
" That's the most outrageous price any woman could be asked to pay.
You're absolutely right, but Hercules is worth it.
[Jonah.]
"Now, how would she know that?" Cure him, Maga.
See to it that his reawakening will be so delightful that he'll think he's still dreaming.
[Tom.]
"Why I want that, I have no idea.
" [Crow sniffs.]
"Do you smell that? It's like someone left uncooked sausage out overnight.
" Everything leads us to believe that Hercules has abandoned his attempt to prove himself innocent.
And what of Philoctetes? What has become of him? [Jonah.]
"He's living on the air in Cincinnati.
" Why should Hercules have pursued him? If Philoctetes had really been the culprit, Hercules would surely have returned with him, as he promised you.
It is obvious that Hercules is playing on your feelings, and he knows that if given time, even if you are convinced of his guilt, you will continue to love him.
No, never could I marry the man who murdered Achilles.
That's enough.
Don't torment her any longer.
[Tom.]
"Go narrate an audiobook or something, you putz.
" I was only endeavoring to recall to Deianira that she has a duty to fulfill in her own best interests and for the welfare of the people of Ecalia.
[Crow.]
"Jerk.
" You were intended to marry Achilles.
Now you will have to select yourself another companion to sit beside you on the throne.
Deianira knows what her duty is.
You may go.
[Tom.]
"I love the whole Snow White thing, by the way.
" We will talk about this later.
[Jonah.]
"At Rattail Club.
You know where.
" I am sorry that they are making a nuisance of themselves with you.
[Crow.]
"Can I tempt you with a complimentary Grape Crush?" I want you to forget everything that makes you unhappy.
[Tom.]
"Like my Spanx?" I thank you.
[Crow.]
"You didn't have to spit on me.
" The problem of whom you will share the throne with must be faced soon.
You are a woman, and the great burden of government is too heavy for you alone.
[Jonah.]
"Could you 'mansplain' it to me some more?" I know I need help.
Have you faith in me? I have.
Then put your hand in mine.
[Tom.]
"Sorry it's a bit moist.
I'm nervous.
" If I have been your good councilor [Jonah.]
"And your dorm captain.
" now let me be your trusted husband.
You? [Crow.]
"You've got a mullet, and you smell like milk.
" I understand your astonishment.
Forgive my temerity.
[Tom.]
"It pays to increase your word power.
" I have long loved you in silence.
[Jonah.]
"Unless you've heard me.
" And would never have revealed my true sentiment if circumstances had not given me an opportunity.
[Crow.]
"And by circumstances, I mean killing your dad.
" My desire is to help you.
[Tom.]
"Out of those clothes.
" And only for this reason I have dared [Jonah.]
"To wear this outfit.
" to hope that you may not find me [Crow.]
"Fugly?" unworthy.
[Crow.]
"Oh.
" No, I-I hold you in great esteem.
[Tom.]
"Yes, I have her esteem.
" Not many are the people in whom I can put my trust, but I need time for thought.
Now you may take your leave.
[Tom.]
"Well, she didn't laugh in my face, so I'm gonna consider this the best date ever.
" I am capable of waiting.
[Jonah.]
"Outside your window, in a hooded sweatshirt.
" [Crow.]
"Mm, he's not my cup of tea, but I guess it's good to have options.
" Take this.
Drink it.
With this potion mingling with your blood, you will assume the likeness of Deianira, precisely.
Hercules has already asked to be admitted to your presence here.
And yet all the other men were content to love me as I am.
Yes, but you cannot run the risk of being spurned by Hercules, and this one is the only method that you can rely upon.
Hercules loves the woman he is forbidden to have.
With this secret potion, you will be able to change his dream into reality.
[Tom.]
"I'm just gonna step back now while you drink that.
" You will have the same eyes that she does, the same lips that she does, the same form that the other woman has.
[all slurping.]
And Hercules will be your own, your own for as long as you desire.
[Max.]
Wow, if you're already beautiful, and you have to drink a toxic potion to get Hercules to make out with you, shouldn't you take a moment and think about whether he's really the one? You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Jonah.]
Herc's walking on sunshine, Whoa-oh And don't it feel Herc, hey She's taking him to Hippolyta.
His time has come.
[Crow.]
"If you know what I mean.
" [Tom.]
"Did I remember to turn the gas off? Oh, well, whatever.
" [Crow.]
"Wait, they've already got a bunch of fires going? What am I doing here?" [Jonah.]
On sunshine, whoa-oh Hippolyta, I'm glad you called me.
I came to [Crow.]
"Ah-oooh-ga!" [Tom.]
"Lucy, I'm home!" But you [Crow.]
Gesundheit.
You are not Hippolyta.
By this name I'm known throughout my kingdom and also beyond.
[Jonah.]
Dude, I had that same topless-harpy bed as a kid.
Hippolyta? I am.
Just as you are Hercules.
[Tom.]
"Thanks, I'd forgotten.
" The hero who killed the Hydra.
[Crow.]
"And wrestled the bull.
" I hope you've been well taken care of and that your wounds are healed.
I will, as soon I'm certain I'm not dreaming.
[Jonah.]
"Weird sexy clown lady.
" It seems incredible.
What do you mean? Explain to me.
[Tom.]
"Yes, give me more details about how super into me you are right now.
" - Her voice.
- [Crow.]
"Don't say breasts, don't say breasts, don't say breasts.
" Her eyes.
[Jonah.]
I guess being Italian is like always being hypnotized.
- Her features.
- [Tom.]
"Her headgear.
" No, you're not dreaming.
Don't leave here.
Remain as my guest, Hercules.
[Crow.]
Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left! It cannot be.
[Jonah.]
"Why are you standing like a T-Rex?" I don't believe my eyes.
[Tom.]
"I'm going back to Amazon intensive care now, okay?" What cannot be? What's so impossible? Why do you say so many silly things? [Crow.]
"You big silly.
" None that I would want to hear.
If it's not a dream, it's madness.
[Crow.]
"Oh, he's gonna make a great tree.
" [Tom.]
"You know, I think I just talked myself into this.
" I feel you are so warm.
[Jonah.]
He's talking about the lamp.
Duck! [Tom and Crow.]
Whoa! So alive.
[Crow.]
"And I do prefer when my lovers are alive.
" Whoever you may be, Hippolyta or Deianira, you are the woman I want.
[Tom.]
So these two are married in real life, and this is how they kiss? [Crow.]
She's laying eggs inside of him right now.
[gentle music.]
[Jonah.]
"You taste like bad acting and garlic bread.
" Gaze at me, yes.
[Tom.]
"She likes to hiss.
I've read about this.
" Caress me.
Kiss me.
My lips are yours.
I'm all yours.
[Crow.]
"I-Is that licorice?" [Jonah.]
"The garden slug secretes a layer of mucus and moves by rhythmic waves of muscular contraction.
" Iolaus, come here.
[Tom.]
"I heard some aggressive kissing coming from the Rainforest Café over there.
" [Crow.]
"Oh, good, you wore your Papa Smurf hat.
We're gonna need that.
" [Jonah.]
"Man, my small clothes are really riding up on me today.
Ooh.
" [Crow.]
Oh, it must be the golden hour in hell.
[Tom.]
"I hope the buffet's still open.
" [Jonah.]
"Hello, hell? We're home.
" [Crow.]
"On the next episode of Chopped.
" [Tom.]
"Oh, man, this would make an awesome fort.
" Look, it's dead.
Only Hercules could have killed such a monster.
He must still be alive.
No, no.
This is Hercules' cloak.
If he were alive, he wouldn't have left it here.
He might've been wounded.
Come on, let's look further.
[Jonah.]
"Yeah, Hercules must be dead.
He's never shirtless.
" [Crow.]
"You know, when a big animal dies, it releases its bowels.
We should go.
" Iolaus, but isn't this Philoctetes's cloak? What do you suppose has happened? Do you want to know what I think? We must be in the midst of the land of the Amazons.
No man who comes here has ever been seen again.
- What should we do? - We must return at once to Ecalia.
We must inform Deianira.
[Tom.]
"Yes, let's evacuate before he evacuates.
" Don't lie to me.
[Tom.]
Argentina! I know very well that in Ecalia, there's a conspiracy against us, but I know how to suppress it.
Lash! [Crow.]
"The name's not Lash.
It's Rick.
Rick!" Enough.
[Jonah.]
"You know, we just invented the Gutenberg press.
" Tell me the names of your companions, and you'll be set free.
No, I will not speak.
Those whom you are calling conspirators are honest folk who have had enough of you and your abuses, of you and your injustices.
We only want to be ruled over by our true and lawful queen.
Why don't you let me appeal to her for justice? I am commander in Ecalia now.
[Tom.]
"And I'm nobody's sweetheart.
" Keep working on him.
If he doesn't speak, you know what you're expected to do with him.
[Crow.]
"Give him the dip.
" All right, then are you going to speak or not? No, never.
Kill me if you will, but I will never speak, never.
Take this man away.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna give you and your dungeon the worst Yelp review you've ever seen.
I was barely flogged!" What are you going to do to me? [all.]
The comfy chair! [Tom.]
"An all-new season of ABC's Wipeout, coming this spring.
" For the last time, are you going to speak or not? No, no.
Never.
[Crow.]
"You just did!" Lower.
[Jonah.]
They're punishing him with a soothing mineral bath.
This continual torture and slaughter had better cease if you wish to gain favor with the people.
When I finally succeed in marrying Deianira, you'll see that no one will dare raise a voice in protest.
It's only that it seems our queen is not too eager to take you as a husband.
- She'll take me anyway.
- [Jonah.]
"Won't she?" I can offer some arguments that will be rather persuasive.
Don't you think the best way would be to conquer her heart in love? Her love has ceased to interest me.
It's the throne that I want.
[Jonah.]
It's the throne that I want Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey You've already killed her father.
You arranged the murder of Achilles, Philoctetes, Hercules.
Where are you going to end all this? I've just told you.
On the throne.
[Tom.]
"I'll come back later.
" Deianira's almost convinced it was Hercules.
She'll ask me to help her.
I was listening to them just now.
I heard every word.
But do you realize the portent of your speech? That's just what I heard.
It's Licos who assassinated Achilles and also your father.
[Jonah.]
"I'm just a loser magnet.
" If it be true, I will avenge them.
But you can never succeed all alone.
I beg you, let's flee from here.
Your life is in danger.
What can you do here all by yourself? Are you forgetting that I am the Queen? Deianira, Licos wishes to speak with you.
Forgive me, Deianira.
I must speak to you.
[Tom.]
"Yeah, I just told her that.
That's kind of my job.
" You may go.
[Tom.]
"And nobody likes your dumb sash.
Yeah, I said it.
" Please, forgive my insistence.
Your insistence is due to your great love for me, correct? [Jonah.]
"Sure, let's go with that.
" It seems you are reading in my heart.
[Crow.]
Oh, barf.
You think the time has come for me to marry you.
Yes.
[Tom.]
"It's marriage o'clock.
" It's my wish.
I see, and that would help your plan.
What do you mean? [Jonah.]
"Let me stand against something that makes me look fantastic.
" The plan that killed my father.
But everyone knows your father died bravely in combat.
Not so! It was you who killed him, and again, it was you who killed Achilles.
[Tom.]
"She digs me.
" What are you saying? It is the truth.
You did away with all those who stood between your dream of reigning in Ecalia and reality, and if you had succeeded in marrying me, your victory would've been complete.
Oh, this is absurd.
[Crow.]
"Did I cause climate change, too?" How can such thoughts enter your mind? You said as much in your own words a little while ago to the high priest.
[Jonah.]
"Well, he was pretty high.
" Why, have you been listening? Then you're admitting it is true.
You will pay for this treachery.
[Tom.]
"I know, I need to get a bigger gong.
" [all.]
"We heard the tiny gong and came as soon as we could.
" Put him under arrest.
[Jonah.]
"John, you're looking well.
That uniform suits you.
" Go on, you've heard my command.
[Crow.]
"911 is a joke.
Flava Flavius was right.
" To govern is not a pastime for a girl.
Only a man can hold the reins of government.
Only I am giving orders now.
But I am the Queen.
And Queen you shall remain if you will marry me.
Better to die than to be your wife.
[Jonah.]
Ouch.
Then although it grieves me, I am compelled to act much against my liking.
What are you going to do? You will be taken to the dungeons, and there you will remain until your common sense, if any, tells you what to do.
[Tom.]
Oh, that's a low-percentage move right there.
Take her away.
[Jonah.]
"And when you're done with that, come back and see about getting this knife out of my foot.
" [Crow.]
"Yeah, that hurt, but I did it all for the little, teeny-tiny gong.
" [doors clanking and whirring.]
Did you hear the latest about Hippolyta? No.
Do tell.
They say she let Hercules steal her girdle because she couldn't fit into it anymore.
[all laughing.]
Oh, stop.
She's been wearing Spanx for months now.
Oh, I can't wait to tell Aristotle.
Hello, ladies.
Ooh.
Oh, I went into the wrong room.
Or did I? [chuckles.]
Oh, M.
Waverly.
Uh, Jonah, do you know this robot? M.
Waverly's the name, and I must've wandered into Hades because there is a lot of hot stuff around here.
All right, that's it.
I'm out of here.
Wait, wait.
What are you thinking? Oh, come on, he's fun.
This isn't some sitcom that needs a new kid when the old kid grows up.
You can't Raven-Symoné us.
But he's funny, and he can riff with us.
Don't you think there's enough new stuff around here already, fresh fish? - What's that supposed to mean? - Come here, you.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hands off the merchandise.
Whoa, this is rougher than my first divorce.
[Tom.]
Come with us, borscht-bot.
Take that, you wannabe Johnny 5.
[Crow.]
These batteries are not included.
[Tom.]
C3P-I don't think so! [M.
Waverly.]
M.
Waverly shutting down.
What? Come on.
Yeah, that's his arm.
Put it under your pillow and see what the Tooth Fairy gives you, you punk.
- Yeah, tell your friends.
- Oh, you guys - Oh, we got movie sign! - Movie sign! [buzzer blaring.]
[doors clanking and whirring.]
[Jonah.]
Are we on Endor now? [Tom.]
Hey, it's Princess Leia.
Her speeder bike must be in the shop.
- Aleia.
- [Tom.]
See? [Crow.]
"Oh, no, it's them.
" - Come on.
- [Jonah.]
She's vulnerable.
[Crow.]
Finally, all the uninteresting characters in one place.
- Aleia, where are you going? - Finally, I found you.
I didn't think I would be able to warn you in time that you must never try to go back to Ecalia again.
Why? What's happened? Licos has had Deianira thrown into the dungeon.
I was forced to flee for my life.
- But what for? - Because I was the one who overheard them saying that Licos had assassinated Achilles and King Eury - What's that? - I'm sorry.
We must escape from them.
If Licos overtakes us, he'll have us all killed.
Come with us.
You happy? [Jonah.]
"Yeah, but do you have any grapes?" Yes, I am.
I feel that you have even changed my destiny.
[Crow.]
"As well as my pants.
" My whole life has changed completely since I've been with you.
[Tom.]
"Oh, wow.
" By which you mean that you will never leave me.
Nothing else matters anymore.
[Jonah.]
"I can't see anything at all through the gauze, I promise.
" [Hippolyta.]
Never let us part.
It seems impossible that this should last [Crow.]
"I love those old-timey ceiling fans you've got.
What was I saying?" forever.
Happiness knows no time.
This moment is eternity, although it may be brief.
[Jonah.]
"Wait, this moment is eternity, but it may be bri My brain hurts.
" [Tom.]
"Just shut up and kiss me, you big, stupid hoss.
" [sweeping music.]
"Ooh.
" [Crow.]
"Holy cow, they're really going for it.
I got an eyeful, that's for sure.
" [Tom.]
Wow, this must be the Amazon locker room.
Nice.
[Jonah.]
"Oh.
[chuckles.]
May not want to go in there yet.
" What are you doing here? I beg of you, speak softly.
If Hippolyta should discover us, she would have me killed.
What do you mean? [Crow.]
"Killing's funny.
" I know what I have to tell you will be hard for you to hear.
Up until now, you've believed everything Hippolyta's wanted you to believe.
She's taken possession of your heart.
She's even made you forget the woman you really love.
[Tom.]
"Who?" She took away the reason for my sadness [Jonah.]
"Crippling debt?" and gave me back the joy of life.
- [Crow.]
Oh, Paxil.
- My destiny has changed completely since I met Hippolyta.
Yet if you knew what she has in store for you, I know you would detest that woman.
[Tom.]
"I'm not good at de tests.
" - What do you mean? - This is the first occasion that an Amazon ever revealed the secrets of her own nation, but I can't stand by and let you meet a horrible fate.
I must save you.
[Jonah.]
"Hands off the merchandise.
" What's wrong with you? Have you gone mad? Yes, perhaps it is madness to betray my queen and country.
Maybe I am insane to believe I can ever save you from Hippolyta, but I must attempt to.
Follow me.
Now you will see for yourself.
[Crow.]
"Hmm, this is a really nice Olive Garden.
" [Tom.]
"Most people think that Central Park was Frederick Law Olmsted's best work, but he preferred his Garden of Damned Tree Dudes.
" [Jonah.]
Now, which one of these has Nicolas Cage in it again? [Crow.]
Now, if you inflated one of these guys and put it outside a car dealership, then you'd have something.
You really mean these lifeless trunks once were living men? I do, and the worst of it is, they're not as lifeless as they seem to be.
Look.
[Tom.]
"This one was Bob Fosse.
" When I break off a twig, you can still see human blood flow.
[Jonah.]
"It's also where they get the boysenberry-flavored syrup at IHOP.
" And this would also have been my end? Now you see, this is the fate that awaits you when Hippolyta is tired of loving you and of being loved by you.
How is it possible that I have been so blind [Crow.]
"I trust you implicitly.
" and become so easily the victim of a spell? [Crow.]
"In fact, I believe everyone I've ever met.
" I must lose no time before I return to Ecalia.
Yes, leave this accursed place while you're still free to go.
I will show you the way to the edge of the forest.
[Tom.]
"Prune me, please, and if you're headed into town, I'm dying for some fertilizer.
" [Jonah.]
How did they get a purple river? [Crow.]
Purple rain.
You'll find your horse just over there.
[Tom.]
"Ugh, it's so far.
I'm getting a stitch.
Why did you have to park so far away?" [Jonah.]
Is that the Righteous Brothers I hear? Nemea.
There is Hippolyta.
Don't worry, she'll do me no great harm.
- Many thanks.
- [Crow.]
Yeah, like I care.
Hurry, you're almost out of danger.
- What are you going to do? - He can't escape.
[Tom.]
She looks like a pissed-off mom on a playground.
Hippolyta, wait.
[Jonah.]
"Hercules Anthony Jupiter, you get back here.
We have to go school shopping for you today.
" Don't go among those trees, Hippolyta.
[Crow.]
"For District 12.
" [Tom.]
"Ow, my stomach-back.
" [Jonah.]
"Tickle, tickle, tickle.
" I've got you.
Now you will die.
[Crow.]
That's how you contract Dutch elm disease.
[screaming.]
[Tom.]
"I can die, too, see?" You must die.
Die now! Hippolyta! [Jonah.]
"I'm getting too old for this crap.
" Die.
There is no escape.
[Crow.]
She's almost to the candy center.
Hippolyta, Hippolyta, this is the punishment of Jupiter.
[Tom.]
This is not a teachable moment.
[thunder rumbles.]
[Crow.]
Good day to be a tree.
Die.
Die.
Die.
[dramatic music.]
[Jonah.]
Oh, yeah, the only way to break the enchantment is to have a tree shatter your spine.
Who knew? [Tom.]
"Screaming Tree was arraigned in Los Angeles Superior Court.
In a moment, the results of that trial.
" [Crow.]
Worst Burning Man ever.
[Jonah.]
You should see this place in the spring, though.
The cherry blossoms are beautiful.
[all coughing.]
[Crow.]
Oh, it's the Edema Ruh.
[Tom.]
"Hey, who wants to play the license plate game, huh?" [Jonah.]
"Hey, hey, you can't leave.
The movie's not done yet.
" [Tom.]
"And my agent sold this to me as 'like Ben Hur.
'" [Jonah.]
"I think we've outrun the Egyptians by now.
Can we please take a break?" [Crow.]
"Take that.
And that.
" [Tom.]
That horse is breaking the fourth wall.
[Crow.]
Oh, of course Paris Hilton there gets a ride in the cart.
Figures.
Why are you running away? [Jonah.]
"Do you have a hot queen I can fall in love with?" From what are you escaping? Why don't you answer me? He cannot speak.
They have torn out his tongue.
Do you want the same thing to happen to you? Isn't what they did to your poor husband enough for you? [Tom.]
"And take your basket of grass.
" [Gypsy.]
What a crummy parade.
[Jonah.]
Are these Okies from Ecalia? [Tom.]
My pecs usually get more of a reaction.
Where are you going? Tell me, why are you escaping from Ecalia? What happened? We can no longer suffer conditions in the city now that Licos is in command there.
Licos? And the Queen, is she still alive? Who knows? No one has seen her.
[Crow.]
"I'm out.
" Her handmaid Aleia might be able to give you news of her.
Aleia.
Where is she? Where can I find her? She's taken refuge in the forest of Tindereth.
[Tom.]
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a life that's been ruined that I got to get on with.
" [Jonah.]
"To quote Mitch Hedberg, 'If you walk against the parade, you see everything twice as fast.
' I love comedy.
" It was Licos who murdered the king, and it was he who had Achilles murdered also and placed the blame on you [Crow.]
"Herc, you want to add more skirt?" he shut up Deianira in the dungeons to force her into marrying him.
We searched for you everywhere.
We wanted to inform you, but we couldn't find you anywhere.
Finally, we thought you were dead.
Yes, we didn't know what else we could do.
There's no time to be lost.
We must go to Ecalia.
We must save the Queen.
[Tom.]
"But we finally got enough people to put on Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
" Must we go through this again? This time we're bound to be defeated.
Licos is not playing games.
We must be prudent.
What do you mean, prudent, old man? You're just afraid.
[Crow.]
"Get your Smurf hat.
Let's go.
" [Jonah.]
They're storming the Shire.
Do you hear that? We're not going back alone.
We have the whole populace on our side, and you're coming along with us.
We can't lose.
- Hercules is alive.
- [Crow.]
Ugh! He's assembled an Army, and they're marching on Ecalia.
Hercules? That's impossible.
He's surrounded himself with a band of refugees, all of them blind with hatred for you.
[Jonah.]
"Me?" We'll annihilate this rabble before they get within sight of the city walls.
Go give the orders.
The gods have heard my prayers.
This is your end.
Don't be under any illusion.
Nobody, not even Hercules, can save you, even if I should have to kill you with my own hands.
[Tom.]
"Terry, get the damn door.
" Oh, my queen, didn't I tell you this would happen? [Crow.]
"Don't touch me.
" [Jonah.]
And that was the day that they invented the mummers.
[dramatic vocalizing.]
[Tom.]
"Hey, guys, this is a sneak attack.
Maybe cool it with the singing, guys.
" [Max.]
You're watching The Loves of Hercules on MST3K.
Moon 13 now ends its broadcast day in about 20 minutes.
[upbeat music.]
[Crow.]
"Gold prop urns.
We've got that one fruit bowl that's in every scene.
Lamps of all kinds.
One might have a genie inside.
" Sound the alarm.
Everyone into the city.
[Jonah.]
"We're the Skunk Squad, see? And we're in charge now.
Tell your friends.
Yeah, keep it moving.
Skunk Squad.
" Follow me to the palace.
Liberate the Queen.
[Tom.]
"Free scoop day at Baskin-Robbins.
" [all cheering.]
[Crow.]
"Crush your enemies.
See them driven before you.
Hear the lamentation of the women.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, look, they're already planning their victory garden.
[Tom.]
"Any fruit to declare?" [Crow.]
Seems like a fair fight to me.
[arrows warbling.]
[Jonah.]
Why do those arrows sound like my text message alert? [Tom.]
"Oy vey, what a day for a blowout.
Whenever will they invent Triple-A? Oh, right on my foot.
That smarts.
Thank goodness I'm Hercules.
" [Crow.]
"Uh, Herc, you know you can just roll that, right?" [Tom.]
"Hey, guys, check this out.
Yeah.
" [all cheering, shouting.]
"Holding this wheel over my head will surely protect us from any incoming arrows, come on.
" "That wheel made all the difference.
" [Crow.]
"Oh, crap.
I need another heavy thing.
" [Jonah.]
"Oh, no, he's gonna throw the baptismal font.
Get out, get out!" [Tom.]
"That was shipped specially from Florence.
" [Crow.]
"His secret power appears to be that he picks things up.
Gosh, he's strong.
" [Jonah.]
"This Crate & Barrel delivery guy is super aggro.
Ah!" Follow me to the dungeon.
[Tom.]
"Be right with you.
" You're coming with me.
- Let me go, let me go.
- Let her go.
You'll never succeed in escape.
- If I don't, you'll die with me.
- Let her go! Leave her alone! Let her go! [Crow.]
This suspension bridge is killing me.
[screams.]
Hercules is almost upon us with his army.
We must escape through the other passage.
Come on now.
[Jonah.]
Pirates of the Caribbean? Deianira.
[Tom.]
Filmed on location inside a Castle Grayskull play set.
[Jonah.]
Mousetrap, Hercules edition.
Deianira.
[Crow.]
"Crap!" [Tom.]
"The Herc bathes for no man.
" [Jonah.]
"Oh, that's right.
He's super strong.
" [Crow.]
I read that Mickey Hargitay trained specifically for this shot.
[Tom.]
"I saw his butt.
" [Jonah.]
Hercu-Leap.
[Crow.]
"We killed all the guards with our primitive weapons and our enthusiasm.
" [Tom.]
"Tickle fight.
Get in there.
" [Jonah.]
"Give him the purple nurple.
" [Crow.]
"The purple nurple!" [Jonah.]
"Yeah, you know, the titty twister.
" - [Tom.]
"Oh, you mean like this?" - [Crow.]
"Ooh, yeah, yeah.
" [Jonah.]
"Yeah, get him in the tummy.
Get under his rib cage.
Rub the Buddha.
" - [Crow.]
"Rub the Buddha.
" - [Jonah.]
"Rub the Buddha!" [Crow.]
"Yeah, rub the Buddha!" "Ew, I think I peed a little.
" Set the prisoners free.
[Jonah.]
"Hercules out.
" [Crow.]
"Yeah, better fess up, or they'll peasant you to death.
" [screaming.]
[Tom.]
"Calgon, take me away.
" Let out the prisoners.
Let the prisoners free.
[Jonah.]
Theon Greyjoy is the worst.
[Crow.]
"And then let's all get drunk!" [all.]
Spring break! [cheering.]
I was afraid we'd be too late.
[Tom.]
"Man, you just got here, and you're already giving me a headache.
" I don't know what will become of poor Deianira.
Don't despair, Aleia.
Hercules will rescue her in time.
[Jonah.]
"Proceed to the highlighted route, and guidance will begin.
" [Tom.]
Geese and ducks And chicks better tear it When I take you out in my chariot When I take you out in my chariot With no fringe on top [Crow.]
Herc-lahoma, When the wind comes [Jonah.]
Is this where they shot the stampede scene? What are you doing? You know you can never escape Hercules.
Hold still, you're staying with me.
- Go on.
- Ow! Ow! Let me go.
Let me go.
Help, help! [Tom.]
The 50th time she says "let me go" will be the charm, I'm sure.
[Crow.]
"Sometimes I think I should just keep riding out of this movie.
Right, I can't.
I'm the Herc.
I'm a-coming, Deianira.
" Coming for you.
Let go of me.
Ow! Hercules! Stop screaming.
[Crow.]
"You are ruining our wedding day.
" [Tom.]
Oh, no, it's a roundabout.
Herc's gonna be stuck here forever.
[Crow.]
So embarrassing when your two-year-old has a temper tantrum in a Walmart.
[Jonah.]
Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? - [Tom.]
Yep.
- [all.]
Déjà moo.
Be quiet.
[screams.]
- [Jonah.]
Gary Busey.
- [Crow.]
Bigtooth.
[Tom.]
"Hey, guys, do you like my Teen Wolf cosplay? I'm trying to evoke the movie, not the TV series necessarily.
" [Jonah.]
I must've fallen asleep in Greek mythology the day they talked about Sasquatch.
[Crow.]
"Guys, don't be afraid.
I just want you to do my podcast.
" [Tom.]
"He looks dumb.
I bet we can out-dodge him.
Yeah.
" [Jonah.]
"I'm so excited to tell you about our specials.
There's so much good food.
" [Crow.]
It's like seeing Fozzie Bear after a fire.
[Tom grunts weakly.]
[Crow.]
Yeah, you don't do much of your own javelin throwing, do you? [Jonah.]
Yeah, it looks safer back there with those skulls.
[Tom.]
"It's gonna be okay.
I think he's getting used to us!" [Crow.]
"Careful, I've got the throat nodules.
Oh, wow, that feels better.
" [Jonah.]
It's like if Iggy Pop and Phil Spector had a son who was being choked by Ron Perlman.
[groaning.]
[Tom.]
"Oh, forget it.
" [dramatic fanfare.]
[Crow.]
Boy, you wouldn't think an orchestra could sneak up on you like that.
[Tom.]
"Horse, go ask those guys if they've seen Licos and the Queen.
" [Jonah.]
That cloud looks like a Keebler Elf with a lantern jaw.
[Crow.]
"Oh, no, we're too late.
They've turned into horses.
" [Tom.]
Tale as old as time True as it can be Barely even friends, Then somebody bends Unexpectedly Both a little scared, Neither one prepared Beauty and the beast [screams.]
Deianira.
[Tom.]
Certain as the sun Rising in the east The hell? What the hell? [Crow.]
Oh, look, he's wearing a little hair apron.
[Jonah.]
"Hey, be a pal.
Get a little closer, just right in my range.
" [grunting.]
[Crow.]
"Smell my finger.
Smell it, smell it.
Come on.
" [Jonah.]
"This has all the earmarks of a Shatner fight.
" [Tom.]
"I call this the back wrench.
" [Crow.]
"Back wrench, yeah, yeah.
" [Tom.]
"Neck twist, followed by double ax handle.
" [Jonah.]
"Neck twist with ax handles? You've thrilled my heart.
" [Crow.]
"Okay, do you remember where we parked?" [Tom.]
When Harry turns against the Henderson.
[Jonah.]
"Yeah, a heavy thing.
You know, I bet I could lift this.
" No, no, no.
[Crow.]
"No, no, I don't want to try your skin care line.
" [Tom.]
"I didn't know you were going to throw it.
" Oh.
Oh, my darling, take me away.
[Jonah.]
"Text me later?" [Crow.]
"Feed my cat.
" [Tom.]
"Uh, Deianira, I don't mind doing stuff like this every now and then, but I have to ask.
How long did you and that ape-man know each other? Exactly what was that all about? Is there something you want to tell me? No? Okay.
" [all vocalizing.]
[Jonah.]
Even flow It arrives like butterflies [all vocalizing.]
[doors clanking and whirring.]
[all vocalizing.]
[vocalizing.]
Push the button, Max [all vocalizing.]
[upbeat music.]
[Hydra growling.]