Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

1 And when I got to EPCOT, it was also the underground world from Mario Brothers.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
Hey, everyone.
I'm Jonah Heston here on the Satellite of Love.
We're having our weekly dream journal meeting.
Then Eva Longoria handed me a flower.
And then I woke up.
Oh, that's really interesting, Tom.
Uh, Crow, what did you dream about? Electric sheep.
Same old, same old.
Oh, that makes sense.
I Oh, come on.
I dreamt this would happen.
In the not-too-distant future Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- Next Sunday A.
D.
- Mayday.
Mayday.
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? A distress call came in for him At half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - La-la-la Now, keep in mind That Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - La-la-la So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends Robot roll call Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow If you're wondering How he eats and breathes - And other science facts - La-la-la Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 What did you dream about, Jonah? Oh, you just saw it.
Oh, the Mads are calling.
Kinga, I had a dream about you last night.
Oh.
Remember when I asked you to tell me your innermost thoughts and dreams? - No.
- Exactly.
Jonah, invention exchange.
Time to earn all that expensive oxygen.
The frustrations of modern life give most people the urge to flip over their desk in anger like they've seen in the movies.
But all your stuff is on that desk.
The cathartic desk flip is over in seconds, but the cleanup takes forever.
And who needs the back strain, right, America's aging population? So, Tiny Desk.
Less desk means less mess.
So when you get angry I got passed over for a promotion again! I'm in a dead-end job, and I'm barely holding on to it! Aah! They keep faxing us menus to restaurants that don't deliver here.
Aah! I'm not angry anymore.
Thanks, Tiny Desk.
Coffee workers love it, everybody drinks it, even people who don't.
And if there's one thing the world hates, it's Hitler.
But what if the name Hitler stood for delicious free-trade coffee? That's the dream of young San Francisco entrepreneur Todd Hitler.
We teamed with him to create Hitler Coffee.
The only coffee bold enough to bear the Hitler name.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, that is great coffee.
You can really taste the rich soil of our hidden Argentinean bean fields.
Oh, you've got a little you have a little - Oh, my God, you do - What? - Too.
- Uh Uh Okay, tell you Call Todd and cancel the account.
Jawohl.
I mean, yes, good call.
- Good call.
- Oh.
Oh, my God.
Buckle up, Buttercup, you're experiment this week is a South Korean monster movie that's long on smashing, and short on anything approaching human pleasure.
It makes Gamera look like a movie that's a billion times better than Gamera.
Okay, maybe you need to workshop that a little like, a lot.
Like never say it again.
Enter the nightmare-filled world of Yongary.
Movie in the hole! Oh, we got movie sign! Movie sign! Get out of here! Wow, that is a long title.
What if aliens approached the Earth from this angle? How are they supposed to know that America is the best country? This feels like the kind of music they play when Kirk goes to one of those make-out planets.
That's what the Earth looked like before we ruined it.
Oh, nice.
Welcome to the Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Institute of Technology.
Wait, it's over? Did we just skip to the end of the movie? Hello, Darkness, my old friend "The center lane is for newlyweds only.
" Out of the way! This is simultaneously the most and least responsible driving I have ever seen.
- It's okay, don't cry.
- "I hate crybabies.
" He's our only son.
He's just a boy.
"He had a space-themed wedding.
" Remember, Mitsuki, you haven't lost a son.
- You've won a daughter.
- Won? My only daughter.
And I hope the boy will be a good husband to her.
- Sure he will.
- Wow, they hate each other.
Dry your tears.
And when will the lovely Suna be married? I don't know, but I'm in no particular hurry.
Thank you.
Oh, I hear rumors about you and Ilo.
Oh, that would be like falling in love with a computer almost.
Excuse me.
I must be going.
- Beep boop, recharge.
- Oh, must you? We were expecting you for lunch.
- No pressure.
- Another time.
Ilo, I'm afraid I've been rather nasty to you.
Oh, you couldn't be.
I do have a lot of research still to do, though.
The familiar apology of the dedicated scientist.
But you have to draw the line somewhere, you know? Your father was equally dedicated, but he died of overwork.
Nevertheless, I must go.
Excuse me.
"Thanks for bringing up Dad's death!" He's going to be as famous as his father was.
Why do scientists act as though the only important work in the world is what they're up to? All he ever talks to me about is his stupid work, and I must say, I don't get half of it.
I think he makes it up on his own.
- I mean, what's an iPad? - But he doesn't know I'm not always impressed by scientists anyway.
I think that boy's going to go crazy, and very soon.
- "Weddings are fun!" - Suna, don't be unkind.
Ilo is very talented.
One of these days, you're going to see Ilo at the head of his profession.
- Whatever it is.
- He's a wonderfully gifted man.
Why must you always stand up for him like that? Your father's decided to like Ilo, just in case he becomes one of the family later.
You have no choice! - Shall we goin? - Good idea.
Ugh, I can't keep up this charade.
Over here! Need a ride! Come on! Hey! Aw, man! "Let's always sit this close.
" I wonder why little Icho didn't come.
Ah, well, you know how children are.
Missing? He's forgetful, all right.
All boys are.
But he wanted to show us that little surprise he had for us.
- Oh, he will.
- Mm-hmm.
An eclipse! Don't look right at it! Whoa! - What is it? - Jazz hands! I don't know.
My skin is itching so! "Call me a computer.
Major data error.
" "Get out! Get out! There's an Eagles tape stuck in the deck! Smuggler's Blues.
" Huh? What the "Die! Die, young lovers!" Problem Child 4.
He's Korean now.
Well, this is one hell of a way to start a honeymoon.
- What got into you two? - I don't know.
This light started to shine on us, and we just started to itch all over.
"We may have been punked!" - You started to itch? - From over there.
I think I know what's going on.
- Well, what? - Come on out.
- Who are you talking to? - Come on out of there, Icho! Wait, his name is Icho, and he makes people itch? - Glad his name isn't Pooh-O.
- Okay, Gypsy.
- Well, I'll be - Icho, what a surprise.
"Aw, you were supposed to drive off the cliff!" What have you got behind your back, young man? - Oh, it's nothing.
- Here, give that to me.
"No, it's mine! He was dead when I found it!" - What is it? - Just a toy.
Hey, you two are going to be late.
You better hurry.
- Oh, it's beer o'clock! - You're right.
Let's go.
Bye.
"My fontanel!" Have fun.
- "You planted the bomb?" - "You know it.
" - "Atta boy.
" - Come on, Icho.
"You're riding in the trunk this time.
" He would make a top-flight ventriloquist dummy.
The insignia on the sports coat, the bow tie, and that little handkerchief, oh! Where'd you get that, as if I didn't know? In your lab, as if you didn't know.
Didn't your mother ever teach you not to shoplift? Sure, but it was my surprise wedding gift.
It did say Itching Machine on the registry.
Well, quite a surprise.
Don't you realize they almost scratched themselves to death? Yeah, but you got to admit, it was kind of funny.
Yes, Icho.
I guess it was.
I'm calling it now.
These two are actually the same person.
You're right.
That kid is 100% his Tyler Durden.
Right? My boy, that light ray is experimental.
You're supposed to only make mice itch.
That's what I thought it was, Ilo, so I experimented.
Now you can put it in your notebook that it works perfectly on newlyweds.
Look out.
You're being followed.
Thank you, Einstein.
But I was serious.
Honk, honk, move it Grandpa! We found out that the light ray causes severe itching.
But there can be side effects.
Understand? Such as more itching.
We've been investigating it.
I bet you never realized you could harm your sister and her new husband.
They'll be able to reproduce, but their kids will be itchy.
So, from now on, just leave things where you find them, all right? All right.
Just over that wall is North Korea.
Oh, the DMZ is surprisingly mellow.
The guy's a scientist, and he hasn't read Ralph Nader's indictment of the Corvair? Ugh.
"Here at ITC Tech, we're building the itch-rays of tomorrow for the Ichos of today.
" Over there.
"In the unguarded place you stole it from.
Yes, right there in the open.
" - There.
- Now come here.
"Time to drink your fluid.
" "These used to be boys like you.
" Look, you can play with these instead.
Hey! Those are terrific! "Kill all humans! Kill all humans!" So toy robots and shooting family members with an experimental weapon are equally entertaining to this kid.
Good to know.
Psychopath.
Ew, someone stained the sky.
"Mm, my space amoeba is almost fully formed.
" Oh, he's just staring at the wall.
He's gone into full golden retriever mode.
She brought her American Girl dolls.
That's important.
"Mm, nothing gets a guy going like layers.
" "Okay, you got this.
Deep breath, and showtime!" "Guess who's dressed like your grandma.
" Honk! "How was I? Was it good for you?" Huh.
I must've dozed.
This is all a part of his elaborate love play.
Boy, I'm really tired tonight.
You can sleep afterwards.
- After what, Jonah? - Don't worry about it.
Okay.
You're not going to be a nagging wife now, are you, my dear? "That's not what I'm into.
" I bore you already.
Looks like our marriage is doomed.
- No.
- "Yes.
" That happens whenever I get married.
- "Whenever"? - I get tense.
You were smiling.
And really, I don't know how you can be tense and smile all at one time.
- "Like Ryan Seacrest.
" - Oh, it's easy at weddings especially when marrying the world's loveliest girl.
"In the world's loveliest ribbon.
" Let's not talk politics now.
Oh, now, sweetheart.
"Hey, you think we can tell each other our names now?" If that subject doesn't interest you this might.
"Am I doing it right? Am I doing it right like this?" "Try closer to my mouth!" We've triggered the sex alarm! That's just my father at the control center.
I'm sure he thinks he's very funny.
"Let's put him on.
" "But I have to answer.
It could be that radio contest I entered!" "Whew, that was close!" Well, they did pack light.
"Billy, it's Timmy.
Did you get to first base yet? - Over!" - Yes, sir? This is headquarters, son.
Do you need me, sir? That's right.
And immediately, I'm afraid.
"The phone got stuck again!" Reconnaissance job, my boy.
- The rocket is being readied.
- Your menu, sir.
What is it all about, sir? Seems to be some kind of nuclear test somewhere in the Middle East.
"Could you be more vague, sir?" We want a monitor on it.
We'll need you here within an hour.
Very well, sir.
"I hate you, Dad! You ruin everything!" Please get someone else, can't you? "For me.
" He's supposed to be here tonight.
I'm sorry, dear.
He's got the keys to the rocket.
It's a pity.
He's the only one who can handle it.
It'll last two days.
We'll get him "Sheet cake.
" a two-week vacation when he returns.
All right? I guess so.
There's apparently no choice.
"That's a metaphor for our honeymoon.
" It happens to the best of us.
A night of wedded bliss is interrupted by an emergency space mission that will ultimately end in something called Yongary.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
The first joint Korea/Zebra space launch! Let's watch.
This must be Shining Time Station's military industrial complex.
Hey, look at that.
They ran out of space to write "rocket.
" Oh, they got autographed pictures of celebrities that have launched from that base, cool.
"Can you change it to the Packers game?" Commander Audrey Hepburn watches the launch.
"Ah, we're we're rolling! What'd I do? Where's the brake?" "I'm huge!" Nine, eight "Am I supposed to be upside down?" "Oh, no, did we put him in upside down?" Five, four, three Good thing he's right side up.
Two, one, zero.
"Oh, did we remember to evacuate the hermit living under the launchpad?" "Well, too late now, I guess.
" "I get dibs on his gunny sack full of beans!" - Race it, Tom! Race it! - Oh, all right, okay! Yeah, oh, no, I'm inside now! Oh, brother! Okay, excuse me, watch out.
Excuse me, speed bump, all right.
Excuse me, nice glasses.
Not really.
All right, watch out again.
Oh, nice outfit, that is so you.
"We're a better couple when he's off in space.
" "I'm upside down!" "The world of Oculus Rift.
" He stuffed his helmet with marshmallow fluff? - What purpose could there be? - Flavor.
So long, suckers! Ha ha! "And to think, only five hours ago, we were scratching our skin off in the middle of the highway.
Oh, who am I kidding? He'll never understand what it means to be a woman.
" "Well, daughter-assistant, we did it.
" "Detaching space nipple.
And space nipple detached.
" The music's telling me this is either a dream or magic.
"Ugh, so sleepy.
Why did I have that big turkey dinner before blastoff? It was a mistake.
All that red wine Can barely keep my eyes open.
And I really shouldn't have stayed up all night binge-watching Fuller House and Narcos.
What a combination.
" Look at the detail work on that model.
You can almost smell the paint on it.
Ground control to Maj I'm sorry, I had to do it.
I am now over the target area.
Good.
Fire retro-stabilizers and commence reconnaissance.
"That hat was a bold choice! Girl, you look fierce!" "There, wasn't this better than an actual honeymoon?" Hey, you dropped something! Guys, I blinked! I think I missed the atomic explosion! Of course, the Middle East is fumigating for potato bugs now.
TV was so boring back then.
Look at that.
"Ice cream truck? I think I heard the ice cream truck! Ice cream?" "Fracking works for everyone.
The benzene is absorbed gently and effectively for generations to come.
" Wow, the mole people are really blazing it up.
Second-hand smoke is the real monster.
Think about it, won't you? Thank you.
"And underneath Korea's light, flaky crust is a rich, steamy custard.
Mmm.
" "Plate tectonics? It was Earth all along!" "It's great.
I'm not sure I had to leave my honeymoon for it, though.
" "Oh, what is that machine, and how can I use it to hurt people?" Would you come here, sir? "That's Ms.
Sir.
" I can't get through to the capsule.
Something's gone wrong with the radio.
I'm getting nothing but Reggaeton.
Capsule.
Capsule.
Come in.
Capsule.
Hello? Come in, please.
"Why do I have a Charlie Chaplin mustache? - Over.
" - Control tower! Come in, please! Come in! Come in! Capsule.
- Capsule! - Oh! Oh! Please! - Capsule! - Capsule! Can't you do anything? We're doing all we can, dear.
- Capsule! - Capsule! - Capsule! - Capsule! Here is the latest news bulletin.
Reports from Korea's rocket control center I can't read that.
Oh, Korean Marmaduke sucks.
our rocket number 7-X, at present on a routine reconnaissance flight, has developed some radio trouble Man, before the Internet, it took so much more effort just to tell people not very much.
The experts are in hopes of clearing it up momentarily.
- Capsule.
- Capsule! - Capsule.
- Capsule! - Capsule.
- Capsule! Come in, come in, please, capsule.
Come in.
"Did you try yelling 'capsule'? - That sometimes works.
" - Capsule, come in.
What do you think is the matter with him? - Where is he? - Capsule! If it's only something wrong with his radio, don't worry too much.
He'll have little difficulty landing the craft.
The only problem will be that we won't know where.
"Or when.
" Oh, he might even land in the ocean.
"Or he might get stuck in a cloud!" We'll do all we can.
"Of course we'll say 'capsule' as much as possible.
" Control tower.
Do you read me? Over.
"It's getting dark up here in space.
- I want to come back.
" - Control tower! Come in, please! Reading you loud and clear, capsule.
- Capsule! - Yoo-hoo-hoo! Capsule, we read you.
Where have you been all this time? "In your heart loving you.
" I'm so glad he got through.
"Ew, now my hand smells.
" Prepare rocket for landing.
Use manual deorbiting.
Position yourself with the rear stabilizers.
Time retro-rockets for landing zone two.
"How am I supposed to remember all that?" Roger.
Re-entry at landing zone two.
"Capsule, out!" Very unusual, an earthquake in that area.
An earthquake? I thought they were just in Japan.
Not true, Icho.
In any case, we do have a large earth movement here.
Sir, there's something a bit unusual going on here.
Would you take a look, please? "Here, drink this.
" Sir? We have triangulated the epicenter of the earthquake.
The epicenter is shifting.
It's moving rapidly in a straight line.
How? "Sorry, I was in flavor country.
So what do you got going on here again?" And if we extend this line in the direction of movement, it points directly to the heart of Korea.
We have no choice but to call an alert.
Get me H-2.
"I want a glass of water, hold the oxygen!" - Capsule, come in.
- Capsule! - This is capsule.
- Capsule.
Land your craft immediately.
Change perspective for zone ten.
"Ugh, I hate zone ten.
" I know, right? And call the newspapers.
Tell them we found the capsule, but maybe they should start covering the earthquake.
Capsule, capsule Capsule, capsule, capsule Oh, I bet Neil deGrasse Tyson has a problem with this scene, too.
Slow down! Slow down! - Ah! - Whoa! Ah, parallel parking.
That's the hardest part of the space test.
Ah! Oh! Nothing in the rearview, sides look good We're here! We brought the Snow Queen! "Which of these lucky ladies will win a date with an astronaut? Next on I Need Space on truTV!" And the reservoir dogs are here.
Wouldn't it be cool if this all turned into a Twilight Zone episode where it's an alternative universe and everything he knows is wrong? Oh, you mean every Twilight Zone? Oh, look, there! "Quiet, we're not supposed to be here.
" He's coming down! The Origin Story.
"Oh, we're really looking at that thing, aren't we?" "We sure are!" Yeah, you know, when you're up in space, you've got to take every chance for a shower you can get.
I think I could have learned to speak Korean in the time it takes for this thing to land.
"Bob, does our space capsule really look that fake?" Oh, no! He landed in quicksand! This is not good! He made it! It's all right! Let's go.
"Well, no deaths for us today.
" "Or fires.
" A perfect landing! Intergalactic planetary Planetary intergalactic Mm, drop! Repost! Repost! This is 6-M! This is 6-M! The capsule is on the ground.
The landing was successful.
Go, Greased Lightning, go Whee.
Whee.
Thank God they're showing this, or else we'd have to assume they all teleported to wherever they're going.
"Okay, kids, enjoy Burning Man! I'll just wait here and take care of some phone calls.
" "You maniacs! You blew it up.
God damn you JK, everything's fine.
What's up, everybody?" We'd like to interview you for Cat Fancy Magazine.
Oh, darling! "I wasn't sure you were coming back, so I sold all your stuff and got remarried!" I'm here, too.
I think you were just wonderful! The earthquake's moving, sir.
I thought so.
In what direction? - To the northeast.
- Well? Now what? "No earthquakes allowed.
" Well, that'll do it.
Korea's first Pinkberry is now open for business! Ooh, I'm gonna get kiwi on mine.
Oh, my goodness, this movie makes space travel look boring.
Yeah, as a space pilot, that really offends me.
Space travel is beautiful.
The petty obstacles of life, they just shrink in the distance until it's only you and the soul of God.
Ah, that's beautiful.
Well, you know, plus, you can play your own music, and that really sets the tone for the trip.
Okay, here we go.
I'm gonna go sit in the theater until the movie starts.
Well, no, you can learn a lot about an astronaut by their taste in music.
Like Alan Shepard he was the first American in space, which is cool, but he couldn't let it go.
You know, he was always playing Space Oddity or Rocket Man or that Sesame Street song about living on the moon.
It's like "I get it, you're in space, but we're all in space.
" Ah, so lame.
No, and then there's Buzz Aldrin.
With him it was nothing but Italian crooners.
Sinatra, Russ Colombo, Al Martino.
You know, he only trusts people from the neighborhood.
I didn't realize Buzz Aldrin was Italian.
Oh, yeah.
He was born Buzzino Aldrini.
That's why he has, you know, the little mustache there.
And now Sally Ride.
Now, she had a reputation for listening to harder stuff like Metallica's Kill 'Em All, Slayer's Show No Mercy, Iron Maiden's Peace of Mind.
But guess what she had in her private locker Spandau Ballet.
She wasn't a metalhead at all! Well, no, no judgment, Crow.
It's okay to have diverse tastes.
And finally, Yuri Gagarin all about Mongolian Tuvan throat singing.
Really says less about him and more about the music available in Soviet Russia.
Of course, most of the jet jockies, they don't even pack anything.
They just stream that "whoo-hoo" song from Blur.
Awesome.
I mean, do you like it? Well, again, it's too on the nose.
Every space jockey going up into the sky, every time the rocket's taking off, you involuntarily go, "Whoo-hoo!" - It's just not me.
- Or me.
I just want to do what you want to do.
Oh Whoo-hoo! Oh, no, no, now we got movie sign.
Aah! Boop, boop, bedoop, boop.
Looks like everyone is agreed on one important point, gentlemen.
And that is that this earthquake or earth movement is defying every natural law that man knows.
In conclusion, we're toast.
It seems to me you're exaggerating.
This is nothing more than a tremor.
I don't agree with you.
We have an earth movement.
We don't know how it started, and we don't know how to stop it.
Jonah, I've got it.
They just need to build a reverse earthquake machine that shakes the whole world in the opposite direction causing everything to stand still.
Yeah, but how would that work? Well, how should I know? I'm the big picture guy.
I don't do busywork.
"Tom, that was the worst damn TED Talk I've ever heard.
" I hope, gentlemen, you will allow me a word.
"Boogers.
" I admit that my point of view is strictly military.
Consequently, I believe in having cards on the table.
The moment for theorizing, I think, is over now.
We're positive of one thing only YOLO.
There's an earthquake heading towards the center of our country.
That's why we're here.
And when this earthquake gets here, it's going to bring disaster.
- What a buzzkill.
- That is unless we can get ourselves ready for it.
Well, there you have it, as clear as day.
Now, what are we going to do about it? "Call our moms?" A clear statement.
However, I greatly fear that science cannot help.
"So I brought an angel.
" We're as mystified as everybody.
But we cannot just sit here and wait.
Now we must start in preparing.
At least we have a few hours' time to try to minimize the danger and the damage that we know are bound to occur soon.
We must declare a state of emergency and martial law.
I'm sure you are right, General.
Whoa, oh, yeah.
Okay, Tom, careful.
Boing-y, boing-y.
Tom, please, can you? Don't encourage him, Crow.
Boing-y, boing.
Sorry, they were just asking for it.
Space, the final frontier.
To boldly go Wait, no, that's a city.
- It's just really dark.
- Oh.
A city, the final frontier Oh, you know what? Actually, I was wrong.
It is space.
Oh, space, the fi Oh, forget it.
"Yep, these office Christmas parties get pretty rowdy.
One time Kim Yung put his feet on the table.
It was nuts.
We all glared at him.
" This just came through just now, sir.
- Thank you.
- No one will realize these are my next lines of dialogue.
Thank God.
Gentlemen, the United Nations has just announced that they will help us.
An expert team of scientists has been ordered to come to Korea.
They should be here within a few hours.
The UN? We better hide our booze! We got movie sign! Oh, that was Whoops, that was embarrassing.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
- It's Hwanghae! According to the board, the earthquake is now heading close to the Hwanghae Province.
There's no time for speeches.
"Too bad.
I had a good one.
" Well, it's beginning to look like you are right, General.
I authorize you to impose martial law immediately.
But first, another good look at that arrow.
Ooh, yeah.
Wai-ba-ba-do-ba.
is imminent in this area.
Stop whatever you are doing and return home.
Quake day! Whoo! Martial law has been declared.
Return to your homes at once.
I repeat, return to your homes at once.
Listen to your radio for further instructions.
Radio? Here? - Earthquake? - We better go.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is an emergency announcement.
An earthquake is expected in this area.
Do not panic.
Repeat What? Is he in training for a real bed? Give the kid a bed! He's 11! I'm so scared.
I know.
Just don't forget your father.
He'll find something.
"I turned every knob in the room, and I still haven't been able to stop the earthquake.
" "How did Dad do it? At this rate, I'll never die from overwork.
" There! You see it? You sunk my battleship.
Another degree.
More.
Down one.
Did they consider just stopping that arrow? And across.
About about path.
Boys, you know a watched earthquake never hits! Don't worry.
This can't be an earthquake.
It's not on the chart.
"Oh, good-bye, cruel world!" First the shakes! Then the rattle! Then the roll! Ah, 10 Cloverfield Lane! My doll pagoda! Damn kids with their Mentos and Diet Coke! Yep, still destroyed.
Oh, this is it! The big one's hitting! Gypsy, initiate panic mode! Guys! Settle down! It's not even a convincing earthquake scene! It looks like your weird uncle's train set! Oh, right, sorry.
Sorry about that, yeah.
Oh, yeah, let me get a Oh, not worth it.
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Nyuk, whoop, whoop! If this wasn't such a crummy matte shot, I'd be worried for that guy.
Hurry! Hurry up! "We're here.
Brookstone's on level two.
Caleb, you're going to Abercrombie & Fitch.
Let's meet back at the Sbarro's.
Everybody, synchronize watches.
" What could that thing have been? "I'm ignoring you, Rick.
" What does it want? "This is gonna be the best summer road trip ever.
No parents.
No guidance counselors giving me a hassle.
Just me and my best bud driving across North Korea with no regrets and everything to look forward to Aah! No!" Toonces, no! "I'm dead now.
" Where will it hit next? It might stop before it gets any closer.
That would be very pleasant, but don't count on it.
"Sarcasm won't help, guys.
" You know, this earthquake reminds me of something I heard a long time ago.
When I was a child, my grandparents used to tell me fables about the monster.
He was connected with earthquakes.
- Uh, Yongary? - That's the one.
Why, this movie's called Yongary.
Think there's a connection? Sir, we found this man three miles from the earthquake center.
I tried to photograph Alec Baldwin, and look what happened! Look, please! "Post these to my Instagram.
" "Should we help him or look at his photos?" Photos! The general, the junior dictator, the company man, the investor, the foreign investor, the accountant, and Dad.
Better one? Or Oh.
Better two? What's that? - It's Yongary.
- "I said it first! I win!" The mysterious moving earthquake has been identified as being caused by a gigantic reptile.
This monster, Yongary, has already been responsible for several deaths and great damages.
All citizens are advised to stay in their homes.
Or just hang out.
Whatever.
Our armed forces are making all necessary preparations to deal with the monster.
Obey the orb.
Pan, pan, pan, pan, and zoom! Just put a Kinks song underneath, and you've got yourself a Wes Anderson movie.
Oh! Can you find the soldiers hidden in this image? There they are.
This is Patrol Six.
Come in! The Lunar Illumination reveals the dark side of the moon with a shimmering light emitted by the iron butterfly.
Oh, what I just said was poetry, man.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
Hmm, the camera is saying this is exciting, but what's on screen is clearly not.
Highway patrol? That seems like an odd choice for a first response to a Kaiju.
Yongary, pull over.
You're under arrest for driving while Yongary! I think that's it.
I think we've gone through all our motorcycle material.
No wait, I got something uh, the CHiPs theme.
Do you know the CHiPs theme? I know it had a theme.
You know, you guys expect too much sometimes.
Okay, what about this.
Uh Get your motor running Get out on the highway Looking for adventure Born to be mild Did we just get sprinkled with pixie dust? Do you see anything over there? Not yet.
- "Cheese it, it's the fuzz!" - "But we're the fuzz.
" "Oh, right, yeah.
That's a relief.
" At ease, men.
Kick back.
Take a load off.
Anything to report? - No, sir.
- Except we like your hat.
"That's just North Korea.
They do that a lot.
" "It's probably nothing, but I better call it in anyway.
" Headquarters! Headquarters! This is Car Two.
Do you read me? There's a strange disturbance here in Hing Wang! I don't understand what's going on.
Uh gravity? "You wanted the best? You got the best! Ladies and gentlemen, KISS!" KISS! An explosion at high altitude! The mountain is going to blow up! "Acting!" "Acting.
Ask your doctor if acting is right for you.
" It looks like Yongary wasn't a myth after all.
So, General, I suggest you get a few tanks over there.
"What time is it? I really overslept! 9:30? Now I'm late for work! Mondays, am I right? Who's with me?" Yongary's coming out! Hey, good for Yongary.
I'm the baby, got to love me "Oh, now what is it?" So we must now alter all our plans and evacuate.
I want to see every single living human out of this town by sunup tomorrow morning.
And furthermore, I want several brigades out on the streets.
They're going to aid the people and the rest of the army on tank maneuvers.
- Whoa! - Mm-hmm.
Good.
I think we have three tank divisions available.
Seoul was a model city back then.
Get it? Get it, guys? The tanks are back in town, Tanks are back in town! Bee-do, badeedle-dee-do, Badeedle-dee-dee Oh.
has been reported in the N-1 area.
All citizens are ordered to evacuate the city.
"Just put the baby in the bag! Let's go!" School's out Ko-rean Everyone take one thing.
Doesn't matter what the thing is, just take it.
Hmm, must be laundry day.
Looks like they looted a Sears.
I got to return these library books! Meanwhile, FAO Schwarz takes advantage of the confusion to launch a blitzkrieg strike on Toys "R" Us! "Wait, I'm not ready! What is it you say? Cut?" "Hey, keep it down.
Can't you see I'm trying to sleep in this toilet?" Oh, I just shorted my Fitbit! Now I can't count my steps, great.
Oh, look, he's near one of those unique, one-of-a-kind Frank Lloyd Wright houses.
I wouldn't even be able to hazard a guess at the value of that.
Priceless.
Culturally and otherwise.
Oh! And there it goes.
Number 13! I'm just waiting for Pee Wee Herman to ride through on his bike.
"Ouch, puny humans! Ouch! Your weapons are Ouch, ow, ow.
" "This is useless.
" "I know what you're thinking, I look like Godzilla.
Well, you're wrong.
I have a horn.
And I'm smaller in the hips.
" "Flush me.
" "Bye-bye, student loans!" Battalion, withdraw tanks! Come on, come on! Come on! Come on, you're flooding it.
We'll meet over there! No fair, he had a ramp! "Yongary insists on pure, clean-burning frack-mined gas.
For all your tank-exploding needs.
" He shows no mercy or interest.
"Oh, gosh darn, Noah, pick up your toys.
I almost broke my neck back there.
" So this footage is from an abandoned camera they just left out by accident, and they used it.
Oh, interesting.
Low Rider Should be driving faster Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do-do Low Rider Running from a monster Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Ilo, where are you going? "To my other job as a UPS driver.
" Ilo, what are you going to do? "I'm gonna science!" - I'm going to see that monster.
- You can't! - Oh, no! - "You said we were exclusive.
" The warning's out.
You've got to stay away from there.
You know it could be terribly dangerous.
Now we've got to get out.
Come on, Ilo.
- No.
- No.
Just a minute.
Nobody knows what to do this time neither the generals or the so-called politicians.
"And their so-called tanks.
" - If I can help - Big if.
I've got to see him first.
Well, in my opinion, you're just committing suicide.
Anyway, you were never a hero before, so what makes you think you have to be one this time? Self-esteem going down.
Please don't go, Ilo.
Don't you worry.
I have to go.
- I'll be all right.
- I'll go, too.
"Death and destruction are my jam.
Whee.
" - Icho! - Icho.
No, come back, please.
"You suck, and this place sucks, and I'm leaving!" I'll bring them back.
You wait here.
Icho! Ilo! That's the Korean biathlon.
You run five miles, then decorate a room.
Repent! All you sinners, repent! The Lord sayeth, "Repent!" "And repent, two, three, four, twirl, two, three, four, and genuflect, and step, and doop-at-tah! Ah, steak and apples! The perfect last meal! "Waiter, two more piles of meat, and make them good and loose.
" "Oh, my last persimmon on Earth.
I'm gonna savor this.
" "I call dibs on these cucumbers! What decadence, huh?" Haven't you heard? The monster's heading this way! We better all run to the hills now! And what are we supposed to do if the monster comes to the hills? - Get back to town? - Put it on the monster's tab! - Ha ha! - I don't want to feed that monster! And I'm sure he won't die of a broken heart if he doesn't get to eat me.
- Uh, good-bye, everybody! - You miserable It's the end Of the world as we "Mm, okra! Delicious! Look out, here comes a tomato!" Today's youth are on a bad trip a trip to nowhere.
Sure they're getting far out far out of acceptable behavior, if you ask you me.
It may seem groovy now, but these grooves will leave scars! Those kids may be hip, but when they're elderly, their hips are gonna start to go, and what are they gonna do then? I've always said, you can't mash-potato your problems away.
"Please, Lord, make the jukebox play my song before Yongary crushes us.
" I'm just amazed at how much beer is in that bottle! It's still going! Oh, we're getting attacked by Yongary, and the city is sinking! Women and children first! For a Korean movie, there sure are a lot of Dutch angles.
And they hold on to them for a long time, too! The paper-plate factory! Now I see why they were carrying pillows on their heads.
"Whoa-oh-oh! Oh, ow!" Hey, that building was hollow! "This looks like a good spot to change your diaper.
No, on second thought, better keep moving!" These people are almost as big as Yongary.
Why don't they stand up to him? I love you, you love me "Can anyone tell me where the Western Union is? I'm from out of town, and I lost my wallet!" "Ah, stop it!" Well, luckily, it was a RadioShack, so nobody was in there.
Oh, check it out, Yongary is outside, and they're still burning the midnight oil.
Respect to that.
"Seoul is my kind of town!" "Running away from the monster is so mainstream.
Let's ironically run towards the monster.
" Icho! Icho! Icho! "Oh.
Sorry.
That one was an accident.
That's on me, guys.
" "However, this one is on purpose.
See the difference?" "Where's the giant monster? Oh, right, over there, yeah.
I see it, yeah.
" Icho! Ilo! "Wherefore art thou, Ilo!" Icho! Get back here! Ilo, look! He's pretty big, eh? You know, whereas Godzilla was a parable about the ravages of nuclear war, Yongary is a parable about copyright infringement.
- And nuclear war.
- Come back! You could get killed here! Hurry! "This is a terrible neighborhood!" "Okay, I'm coming back, but it's because I want to.
" I came in like a wrecking tail "Fee fi fo fum! Get it? 'Cause I'm a giant.
" Ah, they kept in one of the bloopers.
- Icho! Get up! - Don't worry, he's a kid.
He's got years to work through the trauma.
"I don't ever want to hear you say I never take you anywhere!" - Come on, come on! - Come on, Suna.
- Aah! - Come on! We're never gonna make it to this warehouse party! Hurry! Think fast, nerd! Oh, please! Ilo! His secret plan to get a cute girl to touch him worked.
You got to give him that.
"You know, you and Yongary aren't so different.
You both broke my heart!" Are you all right? "Yeah, what's not to be all right about?" - Where's Icho? - Oh! I don't know! - Where's he gone? - Oh, where do you think? - Got to find him! - I think he stole my wallet! - Icho! - Icho.
- Icho! - Icho.
Icho! "Icho, Icho.
Tender, delicious Icho, where are you?" - Icho! Icho! - Icho! Icho! Icho! "Whoops! Shoelace is untied!" Aah! "Sir, do you have a moment to spare for the environment?" Oh! "Sorry, I thought you were someone I knew.
" Tom, for the last time, I'm not gonna invest in your Yongary themed nightclub.
But Yongary Nights is the hottest, most crushable disco in town.
People don't want to be crushed to death! Rawr! Make way! Goofy Korean monster coming through.
Of course they do.
We combine the sexy fun of a night out with the end-of-days thrill of a monster attack.
Dance like there's no tomorrow, because there won't be.
Yongary, 2.
Buildings, 0.
Ha ha! Setting aside the getting-crushed theme, a nightclub lives or dies on its features.
And Yongary Nights has the best.
Music, dancing, and the occasional itch ray.
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Yongary says these buildings have got to go.
Hey, hey! Then there's our exclusive raw-vegetable bar.
Load up on cucumbers and apples, the coolest of all foods.
And finally, our chapel, where a friendly attendant will pour beer over your head as you cry out to your maker.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yongary Nights.
Ain't no party like a Yongary party, 'cause a Yongary party's the last thing you'll ever experience.
Oh, we got movie sign! Let's get out of here! Get me off this crazy thing! Gentlemen, the reports all agree on one point.
- The monster's power.
- Women love it.
Not even tanks, it seems, can make a dent in him.
- Very well, General - John Waters? Now let me ask you what's next, if I may.
It's hopeless unless we start with the missiles.
Please, General, I've been thinking a lot about those missiles.
You know, they might do more damage than Yongary.
Whoa! And I'm very much afraid of one thing.
If those missiles go, they could destroy one of the truly great landmarks of old Korea.
"Yongary.
" Gentlemen, as far as I am concerned, the time has come when we must discuss Korea's future and forget about Korea's past.
Oh, she's writing Steve Yeun fan letters.
Oh, that's cute.
They installed little pet doors for the missiles to let themselves out when they need walkies.
"Thunderbirds are go!" Oh, that building up there looks really excited.
"Yeah, wow! Yeah! Whoo! I'm a building, whoo!" Here's a toy chopper, Seems like a real one Using the music from a great film "Oh, I know a pagoda that's gonna get tickled.
" I'm impressed they can fly a helicopter that has no windows.
Come in, tower, this is Helicopter One.
We are flying above Yongary this minute.
All of his movements are slower this time.
- Hey! - He has turned completely around and appears to be headed back the way he came.
"Oh, man, I forgot my keys.
I got to go back.
I'd forget my horn if it wasn't screwed on.
" Yongary is the kind of monster you get at the 99-cents store.
I think we've learned all we can.
Let's call in the drones.
"Ah, come on, quit it.
No fair, you guys! If I had a stepladder, you'd be toast!" They got that at one of those camera stores in Times Square, I know it.
All right, let's move.
I want to play, too.
Hey! Yongary, can't catch me - Hey - Can't catch me.
Hey, Tom, leave him alone.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! Flying over your dumb head.
Whoa! Ah! That got real.
- I warned you.
- When? Oh, Yongary's got a jet growing out of his throat? That's badass! I want that! What was it? "You thinking what I'm thinking?" "Fly closer to the fire-breathing monster?" "Exactly.
Engage Operation Dumb Idea.
" Ugh, man, I can really relate to Yongary right now.
How is that possible? Well, there was this one time I was driving through Buffalo, and I stopped because there was a Bills game that night, and I wanted to get some hot wings, and the wings were really hot, and, admittedly I probably had too much to drink.
Anyway, I kind of destroyed the city.
You know, monster or not, it's not a good idea for a kid to be running through the sewer at this time of night.
So you're saying it's a time-of-day issue? Judging by Yongary's body language, I'm not getting, "I want to destroy your city.
" I'm getting, "I want to be liked.
Why won't you be my friend?" You know? Why, that's Caesars Palace! He destroyed Vegas! Now it's got a new theme Dante's Inferno.
You could tell the Foley guy's getting tired and irritable, just crunching celery against a bathroom floor now.
Yongary's impressive, but they also made a couple of movies with his father.
Maybe you've heard of him.
Old Gary? "Smokes weed once, destroys city.
Don't be a Yongary.
" Um, they know we're watching them, right? Like, they know they're in a movie, right? Hello? Psst, hello? Psst.
"Welcome back to Speaking Spectacles.
I'm your host, Glasses McFancyHair.
" "Somebody gonna get that?" "I like to come up here and clear my mind, get away from the rat race, write poetry, do Sudoku, and check on my moonshine, yeah!" "From this perspective, Yongary doesn't look much bigger than a guy in a suit.
I guess that's the magic of cinema.
" Why should a monster drink oil? It's so high in saturated fat.
"Honey, there's a ten-ton raccoon going through the trash!" "Now that I know what he wants, I can control him.
" I've got it! Yongary, don't bogart that oil, man.
Why would you want to eat oil? Dude, look at us, we're robots, wake up.
"Lucky for my country, I got the Incredible Cross-Sections book on refineries!" "I'm setting fun levels to 'off the charts!'" One more for good measure! What gives? The ad clearly said, "Bottomless Oil Barrel Buffet.
" "Please dispose properly my hinder.
" "I'm sorry, sir.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave Oil Country Buffet.
" "I made it worse!" "Try the new Yongary Coaster at Six Flags.
It goes up, and then you have to walk down.
" The experience has aged Icho terribly.
Yongary, seriously, what's so hard about "Head, shoulders, knees, and toes"? Little kids can get this right.
"Funny story, on the set, a scorpion actually got inside the Yongary suit.
So nobody knew.
They just kept filming.
And Yongary history was made.
" "Oh, crap, nobody move.
Anyone see a contact lens the size of a hot tub cover? Anybody?" "I'm having a genuinely hard time here, and you're amping up the idiot sad-sack clown music? Ugh!" "Yes, scratch.
Scratch away.
Feel the itch of Icho!" Yongary looks like me trying to put on my own sun block at the beach.
Jonah, you've got two eyes.
Is this how everything looks to you? I'll field this one.
And, yes! Weird.
Gentlemen, we've been observing Yongary.
He just drank a whole storage tank of oil.
He just drank what? Oh, Mother, please.
"I told you not to watch Dancer in the Dark.
" "But BjÃrk is so cherubic.
" "Okay, ladies, please hold your pose.
That's it.
Your portrait is almost done.
You'll be happy to know I gave you both powerful centaur bodies.
" Uncle Ilo! It's him, it's Icho! - Toilet's broken.
- Hey! You know, more kids should spend time hanging out in abandoned oil refineries.
Just look at everything Icho has learned.
Wouldn't you like to be an Icho, too? You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
Icho! Oh, Icho, we thought you were dead! Icho, where have you been, Icho? Hey, Uncle Ilo - I did what you couldn't.
- Where were you? - Watching Yongary.
- "It's not very good.
" - Oh, really? - Yes, and how about this? - He eats oil and gasoline.
- You mean it? Yes, I was standing near the main valve "What's that smell? Is that him? Or is that you? Oh, it's filling up the place.
It's like an outhouse at the Renaissance Fair.
Ugh, I can barely pay attention to him, ugh, and he just keeps talking.
I'm worried.
" blew up.
That's when he changed.
He started dancing around, itching and scratching.
Why do you think he did that, Uncle Ilo? - "Was it his honeymoon?" - What kind of tank? - I don't know.
- But I might for 12 bucks.
Wait, there was a terrible smell.
- And lots of ice.
- What? A smell? - And ice, too? - Mm-hmm.
"Sounds like the work of Fudgie the Whale to me.
" - Show me where, Icho.
- Ilo, wait a minute.
You can't go anywhere like that.
You're hurt.
I'm not going to just sit around.
"I've got meters to read.
" - I'd better go with him.
- Oh, Suna, please.
"At least I've got Icho.
" Icho, no, you have to stay here.
- Sorry, Ilo needs my help.
- Oh, oh, no, Icho! "But I made popsicles!" "I'm strung out, man.
I'm really jonesing for a hit of that sweet oil.
Come on, helicopter, you got what I need.
Give it up.
" Isn't this the part of the James Brown show where they bring out the cape and try to lead him offstage? I feel good I got itch, aah "A Ram-tough American pickup truck to save the day.
" Action Family Team, assemble! Hello, I'm professor Ilo Nami.
I've got to get a closer look at Yongary.
Will you please let me in? You got here a bit too late.
He's dead.
Movie's over.
They're going to hit Yongary any minute.
"We're just waiting for the shockwave.
" They'll be using guided missiles.
"Sergeant Loose Lips right here.
" - You better go.
- "Um, we're not going.
" They're going to hit Yongary any minute.
Did they hit a glitch in the Matrix? They'll be using guided missiles.
- Go, I'm out of dialogue.
- You better go.
Missiles? Really? - Yeah, any minute.
- They'll be no use.
Well, let's hope they are.
Anyway, I have my orders.
"Say, you think they have missiles?" Then I guess we better go to headquarters.
"Shotgun!" So what was the point of us going here and engaging with them? "Gentlemen, the situation is dire.
sure, but why are we collecting our pee?" I'm sorry.
Father? Suna, you know you shouldn't Ilo, what's wrong with you? - It's nothing to worry about.
- "It's only a flesh wound.
" I believe you're planning on missiles as a way of attacking the monster.
- We have no choice.
- I wish you wouldn't.
"Oh, well, in that case, hold the missiles, everybody.
" - Why? - It was Icho here.
His reports on the monster gave me the first clue about it.
- Icho? - Boy, you should've seen it.
Drank three big tanks of oil.
- "You did?" - Gentlemen there's a definite pattern here.
He consumes heat-energy materials.
He drinks gasoline and fuel oil.
- "And cosmos.
" - Now, if heat nurtures him - Yeah? - exploding missiles - Take your time.
- will do nothing more than add energy in larger amounts.
They will not destroy him.
"Wipeout.
" All this on a child's story, huh? It is just a little ridiculous, you'll admit.
So we've had our little joke.
"I can't tell where the dirt ends and the boy starts.
" We had better prepare all the missiles and set the launching in a short time.
- I say ten minutes.
- No, please.
Those missiles are really going to be dangerous.
Why not lure the monster away from the center of town? You've got to get him in another area He said "area.
" I mean, if you must go ahead and fire those missiles.
"We could do it where the poor people live.
" Sounds like a good idea.
Can it be done? "I ask you, Morton Kondracke.
" There's only one problem, though how to move the monster away.
Use temptation.
"Show him a little leg.
" - What? - Open the fuel tanks.
I mean, the ones at the Nam-sang Depot.
"We do have fun.
" I really can't take all this seriously.
Now hold on.
Wait a minute.
This has possibilities.
I say we open the depot.
If this scheme can save one human life, it's worth doing.
He's right.
"Thanks for waiting until the very end to throw in, Don.
" "God, I wish he wasn't so cool.
" I'll be in touch with you later.
- Good-bye, Father.
- Good-bye.
"Kids, close the door to the war room on your way out.
" I, um I got nothing.
Say what you will, but Yongary really solved the city's traffic problem.
It's like driving on a Sunday afternoon.
"Just got to pick something up at Camp David.
" "Hi, we used to be main characters.
" - Hi, everyone.
- Hi.
- Well, Ilo, you need anything? - Just a way to stop a monster.
Why, yes, as a matter of fact a helicopter.
I can get you one.
Why do you need it? Watch this.
Ooh, Tequila Sunrise.
When Yongary was at the refinery, he had a bad reaction from a chemical.
A chemical? - Uh-huh.
- "Did I stutter?" And if I'm not completely wrong, well, I think we can get him by using it.
- Well, what's it made of? - Love.
- A precipitate of ammonia.
- What? - Ammonia? - I knew it! "Potapitate" ammonia! Jonah, I told you earlier they were gonna use participated bologna! - I don't remember that.
- No, you remember, I said it.
- Potato paste Patagonia.
- Oh, now I remember.
All right, let's get it all open now.
Open all fuel vents.
And the 2018 Olympic Games are under way.
Surprisingly scenic for an oil refinery.
You know you've made it if you're living out by the big oil tanks.
I'm starting to think Yongary just needs glasses.
He's like the Mr.
Magoo of monsters.
"Yoo-hoo, Mr.
Yongary! I'm a flaming tank of oil that doesn't quite know the score.
" "I got 99 problems, and a flaming oil silo ain't one.
" - I don't believe it's working.
- Change the channel.
What's wrong, then? Not enough? - Who knows? - "I'm shutting this party down.
" - Get a helicopter.
- Yes, sir.
- Hello, Helicopters "R" Us? - Zero-six.
- Womp, womp.
- Right.
Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp.
Womp.
Get me a helicopter.
Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp.
- Right.
- "Mom wants to talk to you.
" - Here you are, sir.
- Thank you.
To crew three, I see the monster won't move.
Climb 200 feet up.
You're flying too close.
Acknowledge, please.
This should be exciting, but it just feels like another day in the life of Yongary.
"Here I go again punch the clock, oil refinery, helicopter, punch out.
And for what? Giant gold watch at the end of it all?" "He's doing Death of a Sales Monster!" "Turn the hose on him!" "Mayday, mayday! We've run out of fuel.
We're stuck in the air.
We repeat.
We are stuck in the air.
Send help!" - "You into this?" - "Oh, yeah.
" Date night! I wonder where Icho is.
I don't know.
How is he even dirtier? It's like he rolled around in chocolate.
Now to find the potion that makes me a real boy.
Ah, I've always been envious of kids in monster movies.
I mean, who wouldn't want to have a bizarre, mystical, quasi-symbiotic friendship with a monster? I've always thought I'd be a good match for Medusa.
I don't have eyes, so she can't turn me into stone.
She could, however, expose me to cultural experiences a bot like me never knew existed before.
Hey, Crow, what monster would you want to be friends with? I want to hang with Clawful, the lobster-man from Masters of the Universe.
We'd watch TV in Clawful's trailer down by the shipping yard, and he'd teach me how to land a classy babe like his wife, Clawleen.
You know, I just wish I had the opportunity to thank Frankenberry for everything he's given me.
A sweet cereal with eight essential vitamins like Franken-calcium and bride of Franken-calcium.
I just want to hear him yammer on about the good old days with Chocula and Boo Berry.
Yeah, but Clawful would give me my first taste of beer.
Crow, I don't want you hanging out with Clawful anymore, okay? Aw, man! - Oh, we got movie sign! - Oh, movie sign! We got to go! Helicopter crew three reporting.
The monster seems to be reacting to some stimulus which we cannot see.
- He's doping! - He is starting to move.
"I love this show.
" And his horn seems to be turning red.
The military's pulled out all the stops and unleashed their greatest weapon Tinker Bell.
Ah, the theater usher's really getting out of control with that flashlight.
Hey, it's working.
Oh, man, please let this be the scene where Yongary finally kills Icho.
Let justice rain down, Lord.
"That's right.
Your little friend's back.
Every time you drink oil, you're gonna see this face.
" I've seen fire and I've seen Well, just fire.
The monster's moving toward the refinery.
It's a trap for the world's biggest hobo.
Like a Mothra to a flame.
"Oh, I forgot the marshmallows for s'mores!" He is now at the refinery.
"Whew, nothing like coming home after a long day on the Oh, my God, my house shrunk! Why?" The movie knows we've already seen this shot, right? Oh, it knows.
It knows exactly what it's doing.
Oh, no, the movie's stuck in animated GIF mode.
- Delicious.
- Smooth! - Time for the missiles.
- Yes, sir.
- Dom Irrera? - Prepare the missiles.
Prepare the missiles.
Can we take a step back and examine the Yongarian symbolism of all this for a second? You mean Jungian symbolism? No, no, Yongarian symbolism.
Yongary wrote a really influential psychology textbook after this called Every Time You Shoot a Missile at Me You're Compensating for Something.
- "You guys are so fun.
- We're making memories right now.
" First, let's scatter Grandma's ashes like she wished.
This seems complicated, but it's the only way to de-louse your Yongary.
Just a little touch more right on the top of the head.
"Ah, that's a relief.
Thank you, GOLD BOND Medicated Powder.
" Oh, he's gonna die like Scarface in a coke haze.
- Whee! - Whoo-hoo! - Wow.
- Me too! Guys, wait up! "You ain't bad.
You ain't nothing.
You ain't nothing.
" Oh, he should really be wearing eye protection.
One out of 12.
Good job, guys.
Maybe next time let's aim those missiles.
Yongary, a Max Fischer production.
Well, they all missed.
I guess that's why they call them "missiles.
" Oh, this is a nice little palate cleanser of a shot.
I like to think of it as light movie sorbet.
"I'm rubber, and you're glue.
No, literally, I'm made of rubber!" Rain delay.
Monster on the field.
"Man, as if this day couldn't get any worse.
" Someone left the Kaiju In the rain Yongary already ate after midnight, and now he's getting wet? This is gonna be trouble.
Oh, now even God's trying to end this movie.
"We now take you live to the Yongary production office, where the writers are desperately trying to figure out what to do with the rest of the movie.
" "That's it.
I'm calling Jimmy John's.
" They're really throwing everything at Yongary.
Missiles, fire, rain, itch ray, that powder stuff that saps his energy.
Yeah, the only things I can think of that they haven't done yet are snow and clowns.
Come on, movie, give me some Korean snow clowns! "Itching? Chafing? You may have Yongary.
" How dry I am How dry I am - He seems to have slowed down.
- Yes.
"Hush.
" This could be only temporary.
I think the solution, the ammonia, needs more work.
"Back to the couples lab.
" The missiles worked, - I knew they would.
- It happened, see? "Hey, it's us behind the glass!" - Wonderful, yes.
- Yes, the monster's no longer - a menace to our people.
- "Hey, we can't breathe! Poke some holes, seriously! Come on, we can't breathe!" Those chemicals look delicious.
Like fruit.
Well, the clear one is just for Dad, obviously.
"I know that my friends aren't really into helping, but it just feels good they're around supporting me.
And I know they'll be happy if I solve this, and that happiness is what keeps me going.
" "Just a drop of this should be enough to turn me into Buddy Love permanently.
" This might work.
This cold-drip coffee takes three days for him to make, but, oh, boy, is it worth it.
Oh, yeah, I always take naps in rooms where chemicals are being mixed.
"How did I sleep standing up?" - "It lives!" - Oh, let me guess.
He's gonna steal the itch ray again.
Ugh, this movie's more repetitive than a Ramones song.
"You know, this is what it means to be in a family.
This is why I'll never die of overwork like my father.
I have something other than work to work for, instead of just, you know, biology.
" Oh, that's it.
It's beautiful.
Um, huh? I should have had more faith.
This is the answer.
"Kool-Aid.
" I just knew I was on the right track with that ammonia.
"Not sure how to react to this.
Okay, yeah.
" All we need now is a further refinement of this precipitate.
So you're not finished? That'll put him out of business.
And it's about time.
- We win! - Congratulations.
- Ooh! - Oh, I'm sorry.
"Pain is funny.
Ha ha ha.
" Oh, Ilo, you know I'm so proud of you.
- You must be a genius.
- "Oh, shucks, folks.
I'm speechless.
" "Icho has tunnels all over the city.
" In this scene, Yongary will be playing the part of the audience.
He's treating this apocalypse with all the gravity of a summer-camp prank.
"Seeing Yongary up close, I'm struck with a sense of awe and deep respect that he is indeed one of God's creatures.
But I guess I'll have plenty of time to think about that after I make him itchy.
" Hey.
That's your plan? Hey! Hey! Dumb kid doesn't realize the actor just took off the costume and left it on the ground.
What's wrong with you? "Say hello to my itchy friend.
Itch, itch, itch, itch, itch.
" Yongary, come out and play! Whub! Whub! Whub! "Turn off that light, gosh darn it!" Hmm, when I came to, I was in the middle of a field wearing a Yongary outfit.
And that's when I knew I had hit rock bottom.
"Ugh, mornings.
Don't talk to me until I've had my flaming silo of fire.
" Oh, is he trying to seduce us? "Hey, like what you see? You know I haven't got a stitch on.
" Okay, movie, you've got our attention.
Hey! He's dancing! Oh, Icho, can't you just live in the moment instead of commenting all the time? Yeah, you're dancing with a monster.
This may never happen again.
Icho, I know you're nervous, but come on.
You don't have to pretend like you're too cool for this, come on.
- Go, Yongary, go! - And don't point at someone when you're dancing with them.
It's just common sense, Icho, jeez! "Wait a minute.
A cool monster like Yongary is dancing with that little twerp? It doesn't add up.
" Guys, let's celebrate this.
Men can dance together, yeah.
You know, he's right! Rock and roll, 1960s I guess dancing's forbidden in the Republic of Footloose.
Hey, guys, Icho's dad's here to pick him up.
"It's past your bedtime.
" Get your big mitts off me, will you? Get out of here.
- Come on, let me go.
- Come here, you little brat.
Control tower, control tower.
Wow, this movie doesn't want anyone to have fun.
Wow, Korean Idol is intense.
Join us next week for more Kaiju Think You Can Dance.
Mm, all I had was Dancing with the Mon-Stars.
Crow, you got anything? Yeah, Seoul Train.
But it's spelled like the city.
Oh, Kinga, look down upon us from your moon and smile.
Hail, Kinga, and praise the Forrester name.
Take that, crotch-level pagoda! "Ah, ah, ah-choo! Oh, damn allergy season.
I go through so many Jeeps.
" "Ah, the worst part is the insurance doesn't cover acts of God-zilla.
" "Justin Long, get out of there!" Namaste.
Send in the Sky Navy.
The Battle of Yongary, day 37.
"Take me with you.
I want to fly.
" Highway to the monster zone Not a great time to be a day-player in a rubber suit.
"Men, if all goes according to plan, the second-hand smoke from these missiles will kill Yongary in 30 to 40 years.
It's a long game, sure, but it's the only game we got.
" "Yeah, another atomic warhead right to the crotch.
Can't you tell how much I appreciate that?" "Here comes lunch.
" "Porkins, no!" Oh, come on, you flew right into his mouth.
How'd you think that was gonna end? Wake up! "Hey, up top! Okay, cool, catch you later.
" From this angle, he really looks like one of those gorilla balloons you see outside of a car dealership just blowing in the breeze.
Here comes a gust of wind! Hey, when did Icho get a pilot's license? That kid's smart.
"Hi, Icho, did you bring your friends? I thought we could have a picnic by the river.
I have no sense of my own scale.
" "Want to see this thing do a barrel roll?" "I could do this all day.
" "Looks like we've got a Yongary situation backing up traffic all over the Schuylkill.
If you're headed into work this morning, save yourself a headache and take the tunnel.
" And flush.
Great, they're dropping stuff on him.
And when that doesn't work, they can shoot missiles at him.
And when that doesn't work, they can drop more stuff on him.
And when that doesn't work, they can shoot more missiles at him forever and ever until we all die.
Blah! "Poppies! Poppies will make Yongary sleep.
" "Use your words, Yongary.
" "We learned the secret stay away from the fire.
" Oh, he's drunk.
"I want Mommy!" Typical Yongary, throws a tantrum when things don't go his way.
"Ha ha.
We're still young and rich, yes!" "Rub my belly, come on.
" "Oh, this is embarrassing.
I need to lose a few thousand pounds.
" "Stay down, Rock! Stay down.
" Come on, Yongary, dance.
Dance like you've never danced before.
I'm so excited I'm so excited I'm so scared! "Yongary, you can get through this, man, even though it feels like your head's full of bees and every pore in your body is a mouth screaming in pain.
" The irony here is that the chemical they're dumping is gonna cause the ants on the ground to mutate into giants.
Then they'll enslave humanity.
You can land whenever you're ready.
He's getting messed up.
"Please, my mouth is dry, and my left arm is numb.
Call 911.
Why isn't anyone doing anything?" Okay, this monster is now officially milking his death scene.
"Must crush one more structure before I die.
Cost the taxpayers billions.
" "Call Governor Christie into question.
" You'd think monster attacks would be the first thing they'd cover in engineering school.
You know, this was the original ending to Bridge on the River Kwai.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
Then David Lean decided to take out all the monster stuff.
He felt it pulled focus from the human drama.
"Ah, forget it.
It's not worth it.
" - It's working.
Look! - It's working! "Oh, one last Macarena before I die.
" Wait, did they sprinkle ecstasy onto him? And now the end is near It's time to face the final curtain This helicopter's giving me a really great idea for a salt and pepper dispenser set.
You mean shaped like a helicopter? Uh, no.
Is there such a thing as pestering a monster to death? Just shoot him in the back of the head already! Ilo, you were right.
How wonderful! Yeah, after this, they're gonna go pour salt on some slugs.
"Just have to stay up a little longer for James Corden.
Don't want to miss the Carpool Karaoke.
Tonight he's having the other guy from the Black Eyed Peas, not will.
i.
am, but, you know, the other one.
" Don't cry for me, South Korea Yongary's death scene is longer than Don Corleone's.
I've been able to keep up with just about everything so far, but why is he dying in an Old West town? - Oh, my.
- You see? "Why did I bring you, again?" Yongary's getting in a little Tai Chi before heading into the great hereafter.
"I'm so cold.
Icho, we could've danced forever.
Promise me you'll meet another monster and move on.
" Aw, he's dreaming of chasing a squirrel.
"Get the squirrel.
Get the squirrel.
" Okay, movie, time-out.
Check, please.
This is a rubber suit monster movie featuring a little kid with an itch ray.
We don't need to see the seven stages of Yongary's death.
Okay, turn off the camera right now.
Yes, he's a public figure, but no one deserves to see this.
Come on! Stop, please, no.
Don't do it anymore.
"I want to deal the death blow.
" Does he have to be killed? Does he really? Please, Uncle Ilo.
I mean, you should've seen him last night.
He was dancing.
Uncle Ilo, we just couldn't have let him stay alive like he was, could we? "You're asking me now?" - Icho - "I'll get you an iguana.
" I know how you feel.
And I'm sure we all do.
"Play along.
" Anyway, we have no choice about this.
Oh, Ilo, in a way, you know, I'm sorry, too.
I wonder if he really meant to hurt us.
- Well, who's to say? - You know, we better be going.
- Uh-huh.
- Yes, we're finished here now.
"Issue settled.
" I got to tell you, I didn't see this coming.
Did Werner Herzog slip in and direct this last scene? I mean, I'm just a little red robot, and I'm shaken to the core! "Boy, that was a real monster of a week, yeah?" "You said it! See you at TGI Friday's! You guys, you're the best.
" But what of the red arrow, hmm? Korea's Going Out Of Business Sale.
All itch rays half off! Oh, they're giving Yongary the key to the city.
This time I don't mind going on record.
Oh, look.
Meanwhile, Eliot Ness and his men are brought in to stop the monster one day late.
Sir, do you have a statement for the press? - Ilo, Ilo, Ilo, over here! - Ilo, over here! - Icho! Question! Icho! - Icho, over here! - Suna, Suna! - What about you and Paramount? What's going on over there? Were you friends with Yongary? goes to Dr.
Ilo.
It was his analysis that gave us the key we needed.
There he is.
You better talk to him.
- Whoosh.
- Sir, a moment, please.
Do you have a statement for the press, sir? Ba Ba Booey! Howard Stern! We'd like to know how you did it.
How did you find the monster's weakness? First of all, I'd like to thank the minister very much "And, of course, the big man upstairs.
" I'm gratified that science was able to be to be of help.
But truthfully, that's only part.
The very first clue was found by Icho here.
- Ah, I didn't do anything.
- Kill him! - Icho.
- Icho, tell me how old you are.
- Oh, about eight.
- "Give or take a few.
" Well, acting as scientific advisor to a whole nation is quite a job for an eight-year-old.
Without your work, we might all have been destroyed.
How do you feel about this? And why do you dress like John Lasseter? Well then, perhaps a word from your sister.
- Miss? - I'm no good at words.
Your brother's pretty special, isn't he, miss? Oh, only special about getting himself in trouble.
Apart from that, I'd say he's just an ordinary brat of a brother.
"He's trash.
" I think little brothers are supposed to act like brats.
But anyway, my sister's nice.
"What a scoop!" What would you like to be when you grow up, Icho? I want to be a great scientist, biologist.
"You don't have the grades for that.
" What would you like most in the world? What wishes? Let's see, well one wish is about my sister and Uncle Ilo.
I wish that the two of them would hurry up and get married.
Oh, snap! They're just standing around doing nothing.
- Oh, you miserable brat! - Anything else, Icho? Yes, something about Yongary.
I saw him play and dance.
"And the image haunts me.
" I think all of you should realize it wasn't his fault.
You call him a monster just because of the things he did.
- Yeah? - He was just looking for food.
And we had to kill him because he got in our way.
He might have destroyed the entire Earth if we hadn't stopped him.
Of course, I know.
I know that we had to kill him, honest, but my other wish would be - "To kill him again.
" - that he could be here now.
- That's terrible.
- You're a fine young man.
We're all very proud of you.
Hey, let's get started, can we? You can tell his sister's gonna be a real bridezilla.
- You mean bride-gary? - Hey! Come on in everybody! We'll never finish all these Yongary burgers.
So, ammonia-mixing party at my place? Well, now, then, about that first wish of Icho's "To be big.
" I must say we've been waiting for this.
Oh, Ilo, what a wonderful idea.
- I think you should.
- Do you? - And what about Suna? - Oh, it sounds like a proposal.
- You should take it.
- Oh, stop that! Well, I hate to disappoint Icho in all his wishes.
All right, I accept, in front of witnesses, too.
Hey, Suna, just think, in a month or two Icho's got lice.
you may have a little brat like me.
A month? Oh! That kid's messed up! Yongary's in Heaven now, dancing with God.
From all of us here at Yongary, good night.
Capsule! Ah, every time I close my eyes, I see that poor monster's death.
Movie, why'd you have to show him bleeding out like that? Nice bait and switch, movie.
Get us to fall in love with his dancing, then pour out the reddest blood I've ever seen.
Way to make us feel something, you jerk.
- Right? - Hey, maybe he was just sleeping.
Oh, what am I saying? His insides were on the outside! Oh! Jonah, I don't know what to do with all these feelings I'm feeling.
We're not programmed to handle these emotions.
Mm-mm.
What do you do When a movie hurts too much? How do you fix the broken places You can't touch? Like the center of your back Where there's an itch You just can't scratch Except the itch is pain And your back is everywhere Can you move on When a film won't let you be? Where do you go to forget The things you can't unsee? Like you're haunted by a monster But the monster is a movie About a monster Who will not leave you alone Tell me how to please Push past the hurting The time is now To please push past the hurting Hand in hand, me and you We'll make our stand And push on through Till we can view the other side We pushed through to Evil is my forte But I took no joy today We should screen those movies better Before we send them on their way Is it wrong This torment that we've wrought? Maybe we should be giving some thought To repenting and doing Some good for a change Is that too much to ask? Is it really so strange? Two evil leopards finally changing their spots Nah.
Push the button, Max.
I'll push the butt - No.
- Yeah.
Go, Yongary, go!