Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e10 Episode Script

1 "Dear TV's Diary of TV's Son of TV's Frank, my love for Kinga burns with the intensity of a thousand supernovas.
How do I get her to love me back? Any ideas? Nothing.
Thanks.
Oh, also, "I found this weird key underneath the freeze dehydrator.
With my luck, it's the key to the laundry room, which would actually be pretty useful.
" There is this slot that I've been putting mail in all week.
Cool.
Am am I your master now? Awesome! Wow, this is this is like Pete's Dragon.
Max, what are you doing? Oh, uh nothing.
Ah! Aaah! In the not-too-distant future Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- Next Sunday A.
D.
- Mayday.
Mayday.
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? A distress call came in for him At half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - La-la-la Now, keep in mind That Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - La-la-la So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends Robot roll call Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow If you're wondering How he eats and breathes - And other science facts - La-la-la Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 Hey, guys, has Max been acting weird? - Is he ever not weird? - Good point.
Oh.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Time for the invention exchange.
Since when do you wear a necklace? Oh, this? I've I've long been a fan of male jewelry pinkie rings, chain bracelets, diamond grills.
I often wear them with my velour tracksuit.
Why? Do you like it? No.
Heston, what's your invention? Everyone's been stuck in a conversation they can't get out of.
Why not take a hint from the ninja assassins of feudal Japan? Presenting Verbal Smoke Bombs! Conversation-ending gambits for every occasion.
Just pull a guaranteed conversation killer from our card deck or app and say, "Got to go.
Can't feel my arm.
" Ha ha.
Nice, yeah.
"I'd love to stay and chat, but, oh, no, it's a hurricane!" "Whoops, the unborn twin I absorbed in the womb is trying to fight his way out of me.
" Huh.
So you've decided to eliminate an irritation of daily life.
Well, we've taken life's biggest irritation and monetized it.
Time.
It may change me, but I can't trace time.
Until now! Presenting the Sponsor Clock.
The Sponsor Clock sells the naming rights to every hour of the day.
Now 5:00 is literally Miller time.
2:00 becomes Dos Equis o'clock.
8:00 becomes Weight Watchers o'clock.
There's Motel 6 o'clock, and of course, 3:00 is now Threebok o'clock.
Hey, Max, we've got plans at 7:11.
Do you mean 7:00, 11:00, or we're meeting at a 7-Eleven? I'm not sure.
Jonah, your experiment is a fantasy quest full of magic and whiny brats, in which the most charismatic character is a hat.
I'll tell you who was living in a fantasy world the people who thought they were making a watchable movie.
Enter the nightmare-fueled world of Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.
Yeah, send them the movie.
Movie in the hole! "I'd love to stay and chat, but" Whoa, we got movie sign! - Got to go.
- Got to go! Mortal Kombat! Sure, that sounds like a name.
I've got a joke.
Why is six afraid of Svenson? Kind of a low-key pride parade this year.
How do you lose a whole kingdom? Check in the car! Did you guys leave it in the car? "Presenting the Foghorn horn Leghorn horn Color Guard horn" Bird, bird is the word Bird, bird is the word Oh, it looks like they found the kingdom.
We're done.
Let's go.
"The soldiers are here! Look busy!" Dragon's Lair beckons you to press play! Gidget Goes Satanic! So, this is our Oreo cookie prototype.
Obviously, it won't be this big when it's finished, but you get the idea.
It was an age of magic What age is that? 13? Oh, yeah, that was a magical age.
I summon thee, Canada Dry ginger ale.
"How should we react to this? Help us out!" "Hey, did the movie start? Wait for us!" "Yeah, we heard there was gonna be a green thing.
We got to get there as quick as we can!" An age of sorcery Which is different from magic how exactly? Glad you asked.
Sorcery is an inborn talent.
Magic is a skill based on book learning.
- James Horner? - Ah, yes.
Braveheart, Aliens, Avatar, and this movie.
Yeah, when Cameron was scoring Titanic, he said, "I want that Wizards of Lost Kingdom sound.
" "Hello? Mr.
Army men? Are you invading us or defending us? - It's not clear.
Hello?" - "Excuse me.
Horse with a man on his back coming through.
" An age of chaos.
What part of "banned from Dave & Buster's" don't you understand, buddy? Ah, the night they invented Tinder.
Jonah, I'm having a hard time keeping track of the characters in this movie.
We're two minutes in, and I've seen, like, 90 people.
Maybe this is the menu, and we have to click on one of these to choose the story we want.
You will wake the serpent.
Wizard fought against wizard To see who could finally star in this movie? Come on, help us.
What's up? Uh, Kev, you're green, dude.
This is some dank weed.
Can you even hear me when you're green, man? Oh, no, he's gone! That's harsh! And I'm all out of stoner jargon.
And warrior against warrior Are they fighting in the gorilla enclosure at the zoo? "I'm obviously a major character.
" "Uncle Leo?" Anthony Weiner? No! It's less Medieval Times and more Medieval Tim's.
RenFaireFlashMob.
"Let's just assume I'm the last guy standing.
" For the great Sword of Power Here's a safety hint, cosplayers.
Never put your sword in an open light socket.
And the Ring of Magic.
"Last week on Quantum Leap" A simple peasant, the brave Tylor, organized the people.
Yeah, nice job, Tylor.
They're drunk, disorderly, and screaming their heads off.
Now they're fighting for bread.
Crummy Tylor.
Boo, Tylor.
And destroyed the evil wizards.
The sword was lost, but the ring was saved.
And Mowgli hugs his mom.
And for a time, King Tylor ruled in peace.
Oh, whatever.
So that whole story took place inside that boy's hair? And King Tylor built a castle entirely out of ice cream! Wow! Your friends fight well.
"Mother says I'm not allowed to fight.
" I suppose so.
When are you going to start carrying a sword? Aura, I'm a magician's son.
I don't need to carry a weapon.
You'll have to carry a sword after we're married.
Aura, I'm too young to get married.
Maybe.
You do want to marry me, don't you? Child Bridezilla! - I guess.
- You guess? You're not sure? Look, if I do a trick for you, will you stop asking me questions? If I like it.
"Yeah, let's start a relationship based on you passing judgment on everything I do.
Great.
" Petrified Gonzo.
"Watch me play God.
" "Oh, good.
Now kill it.
" I gave it the soul of a cat that was run over by a Camry.
"Send him to the cornfield, Anthony.
" This is what chicks dig, right? Oh, good.
Your wedding Yeti is here.
Gulfax.
Why is it your pet always interrupts? Shh.
Something's the matter.
"You need to go walkies?" It's my father.
Your father's a white Wookiee? "Kill me! Kill me!" Oh, be quiet.
"Oh, sorry, were my cries of pain too loud for you or something?" Father, what's wrong? "You're late for Hebrew school!" There's a great evil present.
I can sense it.
"So are you ever gonna give me eyes or a mouth?" Yes, Gulfax.
I know you do, too.
"You are my favorite son.
" Can the knowledge pool help us? We shall see.
"But let's not put a lot of pressure on the knowledge pool, shall we?" "Here, hold my ring of unfathomable magic while I wash my hands.
" "Aah! Aah! Ah, hot! Hot! Oh, that smarts! Oh, help! Oh, hot! Hot! Hot!" I'd like to shake hands with any bird that can bathe in this.
The castle is under attack.
The orange coats are coming! The orange coats are coming! "Okay, everybody ready? Now!" "My salad!" - Very free-range chickens.
- Fruit! I don't want to sample your organic honey! The defenders are working their way through the food chain.
Now we top it off by throwing a sensible dinner and a shake for dessert.
The entire town is made of rock-climbing walls? Ah, it's like The Lord of the Rings without all the fancy, good stuff.
I've never seen uniforms that are so un-uniform.
"This was the right day to wear my Crabby the Crab hat.
" "Hurry up! We've got to take over this papier-mâché castle before it rains!" "Well, Crabby, it's all going according to plan.
" "Unh!" - "Unh.
" - "Ugh!" I haven't heard this much clanking since I went to Golden Corral with my parents.
Oh, wait.
Something's happening.
I can tell by the music.
Oh, maybe not.
"Got some schmutz on my sword.
I'm gonna wipe it on your back there.
" They're attacking the cast of Starlight Express! Clatter, men! Clatter with all of your might! "Jiffy Pop helmet, save me!" Oh, good news.
It looks like they might be coming back to our movie now.
I recognize the frosting.
"I came out of the water for this?" King Tylor, like his castle, is lumpy and misshapen.
What would Dick Van Patten do? "Uh, watch your step, Princess.
There are entrails everywhere.
" "You have to sleep in the basement while Grandma sleeps in your room.
" Meanwhile, in Prince's bedroom, what's this? "Honey, I know it's nap time, but we're at war.
" You're doomed to failure, my queen.
"That mattress can't provide a good night's sleep.
" You underestimate me, my king as usual.
I don't understand.
All the luxuries in the world were yours for the asking.
"I baked you a castle.
" Yes, and I was yours for the asking.
"For a couple weeks.
" And now you repay me with treachery.
You are so naïve.
"I'm not naïve! What does 'naïve' mean again?" "Scorpion versus Sub-Zero.
Fight!" Never turn your back on your friends, Tylor.
"Is this your card?" "Nice job with the heat hands, boss!" "Thanks, Crabby.
" Well done, Shurka.
It is all in the wrist.
You must leave now, Simon.
No, Father.
Gulfax and I will stay here and fight with you.
His superpower is static cling.
You must go.
"Gulfax is aggravating my dust-mite allergy.
" Someday you will return and avenge your king.
"It's a tradition.
" A blue raspberry Ring Pop? Why? Keep this ring, my son.
It is the source of all my power.
Used for good, it is a blessing.
Used for evil "It's a party.
" It means the end of all we value.
Now go.
"Okay.
First stop hock this ring and pay for DJ school.
" Ooh, a curtsey.
Touchdown! I saw you drop the ring, but my spell eyes, I can't turn them back! I don't know how it works! Good-bye, folks!" When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation I'm transported to a distant meadow.
Oh, man, the teenage wizard gets a powerful ring from his father and loses it? I get why they call this the Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, the Moon.
Oh, no.
I lost the ring! "My white privilege!" "Snap into a Slim Jim!" "Did you even check to see if it was unlocked?" "Oh, yeah! Kool-Aid!" "This is it.
Time for my grand entrance.
Do I walk though the smoke or let it billow behind me? Oh, my God, I'm missing it.
Is it too late to get more smoke in here? Anybody? Smoke guy? Smoke guy?" "I hope you don't mind.
I brought my little brother.
Nobody was able to watch him.
Just stand on your little stage, Tommy.
" "Great, he brought Crabby.
" "Not your biggest fan either, Wulfrick.
" "Now, Crabby.
" Wulfrick.
I should have known this was your work.
Enough flattery.
Zing! Where is the ring? "Safely in the hands of my wonderful son.
" You try my patience, Wulfrick.
I guess, um, Ape-ula has something to say? "What's wrong, little guy, uh, hairball?" Ape-ula, who loves you? Very well.
"Hadouken!" "You don't even know what he said!" "It's go time!" As you wish, Wulfrick! After Effects battle! "My special effects are just as cheap!" "Ooh, you wouldn't hit a pretty lady with a parasol, would you?" "Magic twirl!" "No fair! Ape-ula's distracting me!" - Namaste.
- Nintendo! A young Scott Baio takes his pet Wampa to the park.
Let's watch.
I really hope whatever they're panning to is worth the wait.
It's streaming video.
Get it? Cotton candy vortex! No! By the power of Sunny D! "My unrelated narcolepsy!" "Nice job, boss!" Somebody please shut up Ape-ula.
I'm wishing, I'm wishing for the one I Oh, that's not cool.
I'm sorry.
"Oh, Gulfax, you always know just what to say.
" So we done? Oh, great, we got another battle, everybody.
Great.
"Boss, let me do the announcements today.
" Find the boy.
Eliminate him.
And keep these children hostage to assure me a prosperous reign.
He kidnapped the newsies, and they open on Broadway tonight! "Can you see okay, Crabby?" Here's the headline, Newsies on a mission Kill the competition, Sell the next edition Crabby, you need more savoir faire.
"Boss, you don't pay me enough for subway fare!" By nightfall, my men will have captured Simon.
You fool.
This whole place smells like Krylon.
That boy is the offspring of white wizardry.
Without the ring, he is powerless.
What an echo.
What about his young friends? Mm.
I've seen to them.
"I've already crashed their Kickstarter page.
" They have all been imprisoned.
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, Don't stop now Don't have to hide it now, Come on and kiss the Wha The little princess.
"My favorite book.
" What a pity about your father.
Udea and I are very upset.
"Eh, we weren't that close.
" Such a delicate thing.
"Coo?" "Oh, you're here.
" And so very pretty, huh? Oh, really stepped in it that time, boss! Oh, Simon.
"I miss judging you.
" We got to find a way back to the castle.
"Uh, let's just move on with our lives.
" Shurka's men.
"The circus is in town?" "Guys, thanks for helping me train for the New York Marathon.
This is really great.
" I think he'd probably really enjoy this more if it was on water.
"So, in an hour, we're going to switch places, right, guys? Guys?" Oh, these grass stains are gonna be a pill.
"Cool.
" After him! Run, Gulfax! Brave, protective Gulfax.
Gulfax is running on all fours.
And he's a horse now.
- Run.
- Simon wears UGGs? The trap is set.
Here comes the net.
It's Mouse Trap! Meanwhile, the movie's sole investor "Ugh, I took those fiber cookies, and now I am paying for it.
" "Is that something I can eat?" Help! "Huh, sounds like a spoiled rich kid who's never had to work a hard day in his life and needs my assistance.
" "Twitchy Gordon Ramsay, at your service.
" "Good job, men.
It's the perfect picnic spot.
" Hold it.
"I'm holding.
W-what? What?" I said hold it.
"Okay.
" You seem awfully brave when you're just facing a mere boy and his furry whatchamacallit.
"Is that what it's called?" Hold it.
"That's my catchphrase.
Copyright, trademark me.
" Are you sure you want to do this? "I do not speak English.
" You're sure you want to take me on? "I no speak English either.
" Okay.
Prepare to face the wrath of fat Sting.
"Oh, that really cut my back, actually.
Oh.
" Well, come and get it.
Finally.
This is what I've been waiting for some real action.
Push, you're dead.
Trip, you're dead.
Flip, you're dead.
Did they choreograph this fight in a bounce house? He's fighting a tumbling act.
"Ha ha ha! Make 'em fall again! Yay.
" "Ooh.
Guess that Chipotle burrito wasn't done with me yet.
" Whew.
That's better.
"The fart maker.
" "Nice killin', mister.
" Hey, boy, how long have you been living in a tree? Not very long.
Would you like to get down from there? Yeah.
Please.
"Got ya.
Just let me trip that tree.
" "Oh, I'm gonna make you pay, mister! "My dad's a wizard.
He's dead.
Oh, no.
" I'm sorry about that, kid.
"Ah, you bent my Wookiee.
" Is there any way we can repay you, sir? Uh, yeah.
Um, have you got any wine? "Like this?" No.
- Well - "I'm jonesin'.
" I guess not, then.
See you.
Can we stop pretending he's saying anything at all? Kor the Conqueror? Are you sure? 'Cause "conqueror" seems a bit much.
- Hey.
- Hey, drunky, over here! Sir.
Hey.
Are you really Kor the Conqueror? Yeah, why? Well, I'm Simon, son of the good wizard Wulfrick, magician of the kingdom of Axhome.
Magician, huh? What were you doing up in the tree? Can you quiet these birds down, please? Gulfax and I, we were trying to figure a way to get out of this forest when we fell into one of Shurka's traps.
And who's Shurka? He's an evil sorcerer.
He murdered King Tylor, my father.
"Anyway, do you know the Wi-Fi password for these woods?" Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
I-I have to get going.
"If I'm not drunk soon, I'm gonna slip into a coma.
" Hey, wait.
You can't just Kor, you've conquered our hearts.
- Where are you going? - "Fuddruckers.
" Nowhere, really.
Why not stay in Axhome? It's a fine kingdom.
- Because I'm a warrior, boy.
- A warrior boy? And warriors who stay in one place for more than an hour usually end up dead ones.
How does he sleep? Well, who's your master? You're looking at him.
"I'm here.
What'd I miss? This suit's so hot.
So hard to run in it.
I'm starting to get kind of a headache.
Do you guys have any juice or anything? Oh, boy.
" I wish to employ you.
I'm not for hire.
- Gulfax.
- "Rough him up.
" - What did he say? - Nothing.
He called you Sir Drinksalot, which I admit is not very clever.
Same to you, buddy.
Whoa, Gulfax does a killer Stallone.
And I thought you were a brave warrior.
"You lousy little pantywaist.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
" Here's where Kor's song starts.
They call me Kor the conqueror I thought that I could conquer anything And ever since I met that boy, I realized I'm not worth a thing That's just par for the Kor That's just par They call me Kor I'm sorry, but there's no way that walking potato deserves the title "conqueror.
" Well, hold on.
Maybe he's, uh, been the beneficiary of a lot of bizarre coincidences, like, you know, he was fighting a dragon, and then the dragon had an aneurysm.
Or he was attacked by a forest troll who then fell into a stream and drowned.
Four words evil witch, spontaneous combustion.
Yeah, well, you know, there's a thousand ways he could've gotten the conqueror title, like maybe one time, Kor was fighting a warlock, and then that warlock's babysitter had a doctor's appointment, so the warlock had to leave to go pick up his kid from soccer practice, and then it was a default win.
So, technically, that goes to Kor.
Hmm.
I think the actual conqueror tested positive for human growth hormone, which happens a lot more than you think.
So he was stripped of his title, and they gave it to Kor.
Can you call yourself a conqueror after conquering - a 72-ounce-steak-eating challenge? - Maybe.
High score on the Frogger game at the pizza parlor? Technically, that's a conquest.
Okay, so we've got that settled, but let's figure this out.
Jet Screen.
All righty.
Mm, yeah, awfully lighthearted expression for someone who's just killed four people.
He just took the lives of four human beings, yet he's behaving like someone who's remembering a mildly funny Reader's Digest joke.
Yeah, he robbed four sets of parents of their children, and his face is like, "What does my Jimmy Stewart impression look like again?" Those four men are gone now.
Think of the children, who will have to live with the scars of that, but he's all, "Doodly-doo, whoops.
Don't you hate it when that happens?" Oh, we got movie sign! Jet Screen! Oh, yeah, this is just the way I like it wild.
Oh, no, my AA sponsors.
I get the horns, but why are they making armor out of old jeans? "Just gonna moonwalk right out of here.
" "Gulfax, if Pluto was a dog, then what's Goofy his father?" - You changed your mind.
- "You love us!" Yeah, well, I've always been rather fond of the underdog.
So, uh, tell me about this Shurka.
- "My crab hat is burning.
" - "That's me!" "One day, I'm gonna cut Gulfax open and sleep in him.
" So they have found themselves a champion.
He doesn't look like much.
Never trust appearances, my dear.
You, for example, were always considered a devoted wife, correct? And you were always considered a loyal counselor to your beloved king.
Kor, do you believe in magic? Well, I tell you I believe a lot more in this.
Here Good effort, Gulfax.
What is that, like, seven sticks? What's this for? About time you learned how to use one.
It won't do us any good, you know.
Why not? Because of my father's knowledge pool.
Oh.
Shurka can see everything that we're doing.
Well, if that's the case, you'd better do something.
"But Shurka will see it!" "I'm gonna go write a think piece.
" My magic doesn't work outside of the castle.
- "Or inside the castle.
" - But I'll try.
"Even though trying goes against my millennial code.
" Watcher, watcher, evil eye.
Shurka's magic I do defy.
Pool of power, pool of light.
With this spell, I blind your sight.
"You see what I'm seeing, boss?" "For dry, itchy, red eyes, I recommend Clear Eyes, and for dry, itchy, blue eyes, there's Clear Eyes Junior.
" Whoa, a real on-camera explosion, no digital effects.
Damn him! See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt.
This is a real outtake.
Oh, wow.
You have not found that ring yet! Well, we're still looking, master.
"Form of neon spaghetti!" - Anukin.
- Skywalker? - Anukin! - Skywalker? If the Wizard's son finds it before me, I am finished.
"You think he noticed I'm the same guy in a different outfit?" Isn't this enough? "I'm a kid.
I shouldn't be working on a pot farm.
" - What? - Isn't this enough? Oh, no.
No, no.
You lots of practice.
Keep it up.
- "Yeah, keep it up.
" - Why? Because you got to get good at it, Simon.
Now, keep it up.
Put your whole body into it.
"That's how my dad tried to teach me to play baseball.
" So you are alone, my little friend.
"Hey, boss, I don't really mean to question any of the constructs or conceits of this film, but are we really supposed to be able to see him at this point? Kind of felt like that was the purpose of the last scene and all.
" "Now, Crabby, we've gone over this.
Every movie demands some suspension of disbelief.
"Yeah, but this movie demands I suspend my sense of taste.
Ha ha! Still got it, even now!" "Oh, Crabby.
" "Does my helmet look crooked?" The ring.
I haven't got it.
Then you'll tell me where it's hidden.
I don't know where it is.
I swear I don't.
Napoleon Dynamite, no! "Get back here, you freakin' idiot!" "You gonna finish those tots, you fat lard?" Help! Kor! "This reminds me of when I spent the summer in Alaska with my uncle, hunting wolverines.
" "In this scene, I decided to shake the camera, so it was less obvious that they were just kids playing in the neighbor's yard.
You like it?" Well, we better wrap this fight scene up.
The savage warrior has got to get back to his day job at Little Caesar's.
"Oh, man, this helmet doesn't reduce wind resistance!" Hey, what if that guy's helmet could talk? I think it would go something like this.
Don't.
Doi-oi-oing.
Oi-oi-oing.
"Remember when you fell? That was funny.
" - Oi-oi-oing - Take the sword, my son.
Father? - Oi-oi-oing.
- Take the sword, and fight.
This evil warrior is only a phantom.
"Avoid the Noid, son.
" Walt Disney presents The Sword in the Tree.
"Phantom, can I practice for a couple years?" You must be brave, my son.
"By the power of numbskull! No, I'll try that again.
By the power of Grayskull, I'm a numbskull!" Say what you will about that phantom.
He's really giving Simon time to get his bearings.
I appreciate that in a phantom.
Is there even a word in the English language for how wrong this guy is for that part? What happened to Shurka's giant army of mounted horsemen? Why is he sending this guy? Well, Shurka has a very progressive internship program.
He's not getting paid to kill Simon, but rest assured, he'll get college credit for all of this.
"Tell them I died trying to kill an adult.
" Why is his blanket covered in puffed rice? "Oh, man, no one even saw that? I killed a phantom and everything.
No one was here?" Come on.
Lick it.
First kill.
Come on, lick the sword.
Lick it.
"You mean it was all just a boring dream?" "Okay, Simon, get your story straight.
I found this.
Yes, I was minding my own business, and, yes That's good.
That'll work.
I was minding my own business, and I found this.
Minding my own business.
I was just walking around.
" This is not exactly a fine state of affairs Kor the Conqueror babysitting a little boy and his "Excuse me, man-sheep.
" Are you talking to me, fur ball? Wizards, this is ground control.
You have reached comic relief.
- Simon? - "Theodore? Alvin!" "I don't know if I can take any more of this 78 degrees with a light offshore breeze.
" Well done, Sir Knight.
Priscilla, Queen of the Forest? - Who are you? - Does it matter? I've been watching you.
You really know how to fight.
Um, well Come on.
Think like a pick-up artist.
The whole trick is to put your entire body behind the sword when you swing.
We've prepared a feast in your honor, Sir Knight.
"Hair berries.
" We will cater to your every need, your every desire.
Carl's Jr.
? Well, you see, I'm traveling with some friends, and I really should wait for them.
Your friends will be along soon.
"Don't you get it? This is, like, a magic thing.
Just go with it.
" "Oh, I'm gonna eat so much candy corn.
" "So you want to get into more mascot work.
That's great.
" Simon! Oh, he's not yelling.
He's throwing up in his costume.
Simon, you really overdid it with the Axe Body Spray.
Angie Harmon? "Oh, wow, so this is what the girls' locker room looks like.
" "Just to be clear, he's not on the menu, right?" "Not that there's anything wrong with that.
" Rose petals.
That's rad.
"Yeah, this place is, like, all right.
Moms helping sick kids.
Good on you.
I like that.
" Backstage at Bonnaroo.
"Ugh.
Too much ice cream, Mommy.
" "Oh, his eyes were bigger than his stomach.
" "You'd tell me if there was something behind me, right?" "My feet are getting tired.
" She led him to the patio store? "Again, no, thank you.
Better.
That's me.
I'm here.
" This the weirdest therapist office I've ever seen.
Gulfax is basically a crap Easter Bunny without ears.
- Simon! - Garfunkel! "Am I Simon?" Simon! "Don't come in the woods.
I'm not sure, but I think I'm about to hold a girl's hand.
" "I hope your wildest dreams include rose petals, Simon, 'cause that's kind of all we have right now.
" Oops, uh, missed a spot.
All right.
There.
Perfect.
Just a little left.
I thought so.
No treasure.
All right.
Be right down.
No treasure.
There was a goose up there, though.
"Can I tempt you with some Robitussin?" "I'm hungry.
Do you have any plastic grapes?" "You are now confirmed in the Catholic faith.
" "I learned this smile from a playing card.
" The Kingachrome processing plant resides in Moon 14 and is where the liquefied films are made and stored prior to viewing.
It's got that chemical smell.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, the Moon.
"Just gonna hang back here, Kor.
Ate a little too much fruit, if you know what I mean.
" "That was amazing.
" Hmm, time for your senior portrait! See the power, Simon.
The power of the magic of David Copperfield! See the power of evil.
Evil? That's just a Griffith Park drum circle.
Patrick Duffy is Greg Brady in "Julius Caesar"! See the power of black magic.
"So this is sex?" You, too, can have the power.
Linda, we all have to make sacrifices around here, okay? You will be the king of the wizards.
- No! - Find the ring.
"Hello? We're trying to stab someone.
" Spirits of darkness, spirits of light, arise, ye powers of good, and fight.
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird.
It's a plane.
It's a Holy What is that? "Courage!" The taur! Magic One.
I'm afraid there's no denying Stop them! Except you two.
Keep drumming! I'm just a dandy lion Now, Kagala! You fool.
Give us the ring, or we will destroy you.
Night of a thousand stars.
It's the Miss Romulan pageant hosted by Mario Lopez.
My Bundt cake! Helena Bonham Carter? That's the last time we buy our graven image off of Craigslist! It's collapsing on its own.
Who needs the lion thing? Super Bowl XLIX is proud to present the halftime spectacular, featuring the music of Katy Perry.
'Cause you're a firework And that's where babies come from.
"Can I stay in the other movie, please?" "What? You are fulfilling my every desire.
" You're turning into chocolate with Skittles?" "You said you'd love me even if I gained weight and became a bug!" "That was just pillow talk!" "I'm a cuddler.
" "Time for our 2:00 p.
m.
spooning.
" Sinister drapes.
So who are we rooting for in this scene? - I like Simon.
- I'm on Team Bug.
Let's watch.
Simon, here.
No, you don't stab it.
You trip it! Well, right about this time, old Simon was getting mighty tired of stabbing that bug Until he hit on an idea "I'll stick it in the neck.
" And sure enough, a rich, green liquid came a-rolling out.
He called it Mountain Dew, and it'll tickle your innards 'cause it came from her innards.
All that from magic? Black magic.
Woman So, uh, what exactly am I looking at here? Oh, that's a purple rubber radiator with fog.
Oh, right.
Her.
Acrasia? Acrasia? Um, don't hit that throne too hard.
They have killed her.
Who? Acrasia, my insect woman.
This wizard boy is proving bothersome, Udea.
He would be insignificant if you had the ring.
Wulfrick was shrewd.
"First Crabby quits, now this?" - Whoa! - Hey, what's up? Oh.
He has hidden it well.
- Here comes another one.
- Ah! Gather the King's advisors! Oh, now you're just projecting onto Ape-ula.
Oh, is Gulfax having a time-out? "Why is it so hard to palm water and sunlight? I'll never be a magician.
" Oh, good, they're showing Little House on the Prairie again.
"Oh, hey, I traded Gulfax for this canteen of Zima.
Hope you don't mind.
" - Who's that? - That's your reflection, dummy.
Princess Aura.
She likes me, even though I'm not a prince.
"Kid, a girl's just an ex-wife in the making.
" You have a girlfriend? No.
Do you know what a girl is? Do you have a wife? "Not anymore.
High five!" - Do you have a family? - "Not that I know of.
" - Ha! - No.
Well, you must have a home.
"What's your email?" I don't.
"Unless a refrigerator box counts as a home.
" You know what I think? What? I think you must get awfully lonely.
"You know, I am looking for a replacement dad.
" You know what I think? What? I think you talk too much.
"And booze helps me cope.
" Shh.
"Oh, that was just me again.
" What is it? Riders, coming this way.
- Writers? They'll fix the script! - Yeah.
Come on, get the lead out, fuzz face.
Won't escape me now, Kor.
"I've got your whoopee cushion!" Is that the sound of Gulfax's feet or his butt? And puberty blooms for Snuggles, the fabric softener bear.
"Gosh, Kor, this scene is unusually well-lit.
" Santa Fe, my old friend I can't spend my whole life dreaming Kor.
"I bet they're filming the new X-Files over there.
" - Kor.
Kor! - Huh? - It's fox fire.
- Where? Pork chops! - Fox fire! - What? A hundred years ago, four of the world's greatest warriors were buried here, but with their help, we could easily defeat Shurka.
"And we wouldn't have to do anything.
" They're dead, son, and if those warriors were as brave as you say they were, they probably deserve to sleep in peace.
Now, why don't you go to sleep? Good night.
Why, that is a refreshingly dignified response.
Thank you, Kor.
"Beer.
" - "Kor! Kor!" - "Tequila.
" "How do they expect me to soar with eagles when I'm surrounded by turkeys?" If they were with us, we'd be an army.
And they can't get killed 'cause they're already dead.
Just like the Minions! "Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer.
" It's not like they're doing anything, and when we're done with them, I could always put them back.
Yeah, human souls are like Tinkertoys.
You just put them back when you're done playing! "Boobies" Light and darkness, day and night, I bid you collide.
Who's Clyde? Rekindle these warriors' spirits.
Breathe life into their souls.
Arise, warriors of the past.
Pick up your swords.
Arise from the compost pile! Prepare to do battle.
They've been here 100 years, but they're just lightly covered in topsoil? "Wait, I was being sarcastic!" "Hello, boys and ghouls!" "I just remembered, I'm an overprivileged wuss!" Ladies and gentlemen, Citizen's Bank Park is proud to present the Rolling Stones! "Eww.
" Who disturbs the dead? "We're a local improv team.
We just need one suggestion.
It can It can't be shopping!" We are lonely.
"OMG, I reanimated Slipknot!" So then is this all you do? Who disturbs the dead? Carrot Top! Are they at a Halloween Spirit store? "Not my fault!" Join us.
Join us.
"Join AARP get the magazine, receive discounts on local retailers and optometrists.
" Become one of us forever.
"I'm glad they're here.
" We belong dead.
"Okay, great dress rehearsal, everyone.
Don't forget to give your costumes back to Debbie.
" "Well, this was embarrassing for everyone.
" Forever.
So this is basically just a Day of the Dead parade that comes above ground for, like, 20 feet? It's like when an old person falls down an escalator.
I know I shouldn't laugh, but "I'm not mad, Opie, just disappointed.
" Chris Hardwick's The Ambling Dead wrap-up show, right after this.
"What a world, what a world.
" Sleep in peace this time, my brothers of the sword.
"Oh, thanks, Kor.
Make sure to say hi to" Yes, undead minions, attack my enemies.
Come on, you guys are embarrassing me.
What good are the stupid dead if you can't count on them to be your terrifying, fleshless slaves when you need them? You guys stink.
Mommy! Hey, Simon.
Simon, what's wrong? I wanted to raise a super-cool undead army, but I was a bad boy and tampered in God's domain, and they turned out lame, and everybody sucks.
- Well, son May I call you son? - I mean, I guess.
I know what you're going through, so listen up.
Growing magician I know that you're wishing That you could do all the things That you want to and do 'em today You're going through changes And while stuff rearranges You're gonna learn from mistakes You'll be making along the way Yeah It's awkward and embarrassing But it's natural and beautiful, too It's all part of the natural process The magic inside of you But but but I just want to raise an army of deadly zombies now! Now, now, now! All right, pump the brakes there, Veruca Salt.
I wrote another verse, okay? I know that you're dreaming Of summoning demons I once was a kid just like you, but Like, way cooler than you.
You got to go slowly To perform the unholy It takes time and patience For your incantations to brew Yeah You're still young now, but eventually When this new phase You've entered is through Very soon, you can properly handle The magic inside of you Simon, someday you'll raise the undead the right way, with someone you care about, when you're emotionally mature enough to handle the consequences, and then you'll feel the joy of commanding an unstoppable horde of ghouls, responsibly and as nature intended.
One day, you'll create Your own zombies They'll do everything you tell them to Once you're finally ready for sharing The magic inside of you Thanks, Conqueror.
I needed that.
You really think I'll be okay? I know you will be, Simon.
All it takes is a little magic.
- Wow! - Now, come on.
Let's send these zombies back to hell and then get some pizza, all right? Oh, we got movie sign! Oh, movie sign! Movie sign! Kor, the first barbarian with dad bod.
- Sorry.
- You should be.
Look, Kor, I was only trying to get some help.
- "I was crowdsourcing!" - Simon "I'm a pie man, and I'm going to the fair.
" Soldiers "Buffalo soldiers, coming to America.
" - Be they dead or alive - "Or middle-aged.
" Deserve respect.
"So let's go kill us some soldiers, huh? I'm buying.
" "1,002, 1,003, 1,004 That's enough.
My OCD is fulfilled.
" Wait, is he combing her hair with a Triscuit? You have spirit.
- "Yes, you do.
" - I like that.
"How about you?" It would be to your advantage to get used to my presence.
"Now that we're roommates.
" I could very well be your new "Knock, knock.
I mean, what was I gonna say?" What is it? The King's advisors now await you.
- Thank you, Guard Kermit.
- Very well.
"We can reschedule me creeping you out for later.
" - Care to come along? - There'll be Mad Libs.
This could prove very amusing.
"This would be so much easier if Crabby were with me.
He knows women.
" Here's something to think about, dear girl.
"What's the sound of one hand clapping?" I intend to rule Axhome.
I will need a queen at my side.
"You know, to stop the rumors and all.
" Frankly, Udea is beginning to bore me.
"Great, bring Stepmother into this.
That'll really warm me up.
" Don't you think it would be lovely to be my queen? - "Could I wear Crabby?" - I hate you.
We shall have this chat again.
"Time to wake up Crabby.
" "Thanks for the 40 winks, boss!" Guard her well.
Guard her well Guard her well, guard her well Shurka, we don't know where the ring is.
Do I believe him, my little friend? Another proud graduate of the Salacious B.
Crumb School of Puppet Henchman.
"Uh, still here.
" You, the talkative one, come closer.
Mm, come, come.
Blue Man Group, freshman year, when they hadn't quite figured it out yet.
Fine.
Now I want you to watch carefully.
Later, I expect you to tell everyone that a similar fate awaits them if I am not told where that ring is.
Look at you.
- Pouting? - Maybe.
Over the loss of your king? Cowering from me like children? "Hey, boss, whoa!" Afraid? Of course you are.
- You pretend to be men.
- In your lavender robes.
- But what you really are - Is sentient popsicles.
Are a pack of spineless, squeaking mice.
"Fosse!" "Maybe we should've ritzed that up with some animation, huh, boss?" He's jumping to his death! Vroom! Race car! Vroom, vroom! "Wait, wait, I was going to turn them back! Oh, boy.
" The more time I spend with Ape-ula, the more I like Gulfax.
Kor? Kor, wait up, please.
"Hey, I bought your damn cookies, all right?" I'm sorry about last night.
All those "yo mama" jokes, it was out of line.
Well, there's one good thing about last night.
- What's that? - It happened yesterday.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand.
Yesterday's gone, Simon.
Today's a new day.
Let's hope today becomes a great day, okay? "We're going to laser tag?" Okay, which way? "Up.
" Um, this way.
Come on.
Come on, fur ball.
They should really pixelate Gulfax's crotch.
Kor and Simon, Kor, Kor and Simon, Best friends to the end This way, huh? "Jeez, it's only been about eight seconds.
" You're lost, aren't you? "That gives me great pleasure.
" Totally.
Well, it is Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.
- Come on.
- "I hear alcohol.
" Help! A quick round of mini golf, and then we'll find out who that is.
Oh, no, the Travelocity gnome is under attack! - Let go of me! Stop them! Stop them! - Leave him alone! "Hey, need help killing that small man?" "Mommy!" "Oh, stop making me run.
" Oh, really? That's not very nice.
"And I should know.
I'm a jerk.
" Would you hold on to this for me, Simon? "Oh, may I hold your bag while you have another adventure? Thanks.
" Never learn.
"Oh, that hurts.
" Someone did some shopping at Jim Henson's Creature Shop outlet.
Okay.
You know, movie, I doubted you before, but Kor the Conqueror versus three wicked-ass demon men this is gonna be great.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ha ha ha! And I'm disappointed again.
Wow.
My reputation precedes me.
Good.
Very good.
Good.
Good.
"Uh, Jerry, we're gonna need way more hopping.
Don't stop.
Don't stop yet.
" What a guy.
What a warrior.
Kor blacked out.
He did it again.
And again.
Is he gonna start hitting us? - What is this? - It's a magic wall.
The Brothers Grimm: Under the Dome.
Pretty neat stuff, huh? Yeah.
Totally tubular, Simon.
It's gear.
Does he travel with his own ladle? - It's wine.
- Sure is.
- Thank you.
- Be my guest.
And Kor's story arc is complete.
Yes, it's a good wine.
May I? Sure, if you get off my table.
"I don't always drink wine, but when I do, I prefer it comes from gnomes.
" Could I have just a little more? Wow, look at all those unfinished craft projects back there.
Thank you.
Good thing for us he's a happy drunk.
Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots.
Shots.
Shots.
Mmm, it's wonderful.
I just wish your glasses were a little bigger.
He's so nice when he wants something.
So tell me, little man, who are you? Hurla.
Hurla the Hobgoblin.
Kor, I've heard of him.
He's the forest magician.
If he's a magician, how did he end up in that mess with the lizard men? Because his magic doesn't work outside of the pink stones.
"Well, I asked a stupid question, I guess.
" What were you doing outside the pink stones? "Cruising!" I wanted to go to the castle to stop this Shurka myself.
He sent his beasts to kill me.
"Oh, word?" Look.
You must hurry.
The power of good is fading.
It's Shurka's soldiers.
Shurka's "sholdiersh"? Where's the boy? Give him to us! Does everybody in this kingdom have the power to spy on each other? We know you have him.
It's a Gladiator/ Little House on the Prairie mash-up.
Whoa, this could've burned the hut down, you know.
On guard, Captain! The outlaw George Harrison.
My baby! Surprisingly upbeat music for a scene featuring a woman being shot in the back with an arrow.
"My lower GI!" That's a cartoonishly fast spear.
"My trusty 'chucks!" I got my 'chucks set on you I got my 'chucks set on Oh.
Oh, this guy's a badass.
- Can we trade Kor for him? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, maybe not.
Damaged goods and all.
- Josh Groban, no! - You raise me up "Eh, that's a pity.
More wine?" He's doing it? That was a joke! What's the fastest way to get to the castle? Practice! The fastest way may be the most dangerous.
You must be very careful.
"Just so you know, I don't abuse this privilege.
" Aura! She's still alive! What else is on? Wow, it's the red-band trailer for boring.
Who are they? I don't know.
Never seen them before in my life.
Shurka's beasts are returning.
"Fight them while I call your sponsor.
" So glad Kor the Conqueror finally got to wet his whistle with some magic wine, but would it have been so hard to put some food coloring in there? You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, the Moon.
Boy, they never learn, do they? The little slimy idiots.
"Uh, we can hear you.
" "Uh, can you turn off the electric fence-a-ma-thing?" Thank you.
Wait, Gulfax isn't housebroken.
All right, fellas, I thought we went through this already.
Oh, damn, Kor.
- Yeah, son.
- Oh, yeah, oh.
Oh, they got one of those fancy piñatas.
Nice.
"Gulp!" "Me spinach!" Boy, I can't wait to see these two in the same shot.
Yeah, it's gonna be great, huh? Boi-oi-oi-oing.
- "My area!" - Simon! - Use your power.
- But I can't.
This is a magic place.
"It's a McDonaldLand playground!" He threw an A-bomb at him? You know, that was magically anticlimactic.
"I still got it.
Heh, heh.
" "I should store this somewhere besides my spinal column.
" "Ow!" Well done, Simon.
Your greatest test is yet to come.
Gulfax must stay here while you face it, but I have a plan.
We'll join you later when you need us most.
- That's not a plan.
- But I can't.
Nothing in this world is certain.
If you survive, we will join you.
"And if you don't, I promise to come to your funeral wearing a new white fur coat.
" Oh, so Gulfax's secret power is that he's a coat rack.
"Oh, Gulfax, you haven't protected me or done anything to further the plot or the action, but I'll really miss you.
" - Oh - "Jiminy Christmas.
" Come on, Simon.
That's enough of that now.
Okay.
"But who will administer my heartworm medication?" I-I'll see you, fur ball.
The whiteouts are part of Kor's alcoholism.
The fastest way to the castle is through the Suicide Cavern, a place that feeds on fear.
Suicide Cavern, a place that feeds on fear? That sounds like a Masters of the Universe play set.
"Gut check, Simon.
You ready to go in this cave? Think of it as a team-building exercise.
" "I picked the wrong day to wear lavender.
" "It's mauve, actually.
" "No, no, it's it's lavender.
" "Whatever.
This whole thing is so stupid.
" "I just realized why they called it a suicide cave!" "Why's that?" "Because I want to kill myself!" "I'm depressed.
" "Welcome to Suicide Cavern! People are just dying to get in here!" "Watch out for a stalag-fright!" "Be careful so you don't go batty!" "Here, let me give you a hand!" Okay, that's it.
I'm calling a moratorium on the Crypt Keeper impressions.
"Ooh, a crematorium!" - Ooh! - Ow! Cheerful place, isn't it? "You're ruining this, just like you ruined the Space Needle.
" That ghost is packing a strobe! The Lost Levels.
Stay back, Simon.
Yeah, keep waving that sword, Kor.
It's really working.
"I don't know what it is, but I think it's in THX.
" This is worse than the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland Paris.
Bruce Dern? The Grinch? Why? Kenneth Branagh? Jonathan Taylor Thomas? This one's got reverse.
There once was a young maiden She went for a walk She went for a walk merrily "Kor, stop singing.
You're angering them, and they're gonna devour our immortal souls.
" There once was a young man, He went for a walk He went for a walk indeed Dude, are you still drunk? Sing, boy.
Sing.
"Nobody knows your stupid song, Dad!" He went for a walk indeed Stay alive, beautiful strangers, and sing your folk tune forever.
Well done, boy.
See what you can do with a bit of faith? Brought to you by the Church of Latter Day Saints, Mormon.
On towards the castle.
"Who's hungry, huh? Yeah, there's that smile.
" Oh, come on, I thought we were done with this! So this is what happened to that baby from Labyrinth.
He grew up and wore lavender.
- Hold it.
- "You littered.
" - Let me go ahead.
- "I want to leave first.
This place gives me the creeps.
" Forest scissors.
I don't suppose we could discuss this? You won't escape me now, Kor.
Collections agencies were really different back then.
"Keep your head covered, Kor.
The birds eat a lot of berries here, if you know what I mean.
" "Well, Crabby, enjoying the steam room?" So, we meet again, my little wizard.
"You're giving me the chills, boss!" Help me, Simon.
Is not something people say much.
"Don't look at me.
Caves can't talk.
" Come quickly.
"Time to get tricked again.
" "I said 'quickly'!" Save me.
You must save me, Simon! That's some vocal fry.
I know way too much about women.
This time I have you.
"Still not sure why I want you.
" Dentyne Fire.
Aura! "Some big kids took my bike, so I need a ride home!" Aura! Where are you? "Aurora Borealis! I was told the solar conditions were correct for me to see you now!" Visit beautiful Howe Caverns.
Where are you? "Text me where you're standing next to.
" Show yourself! Don't you take that tone, young man.
Ah! Death from above! How can Simon possibly escape? Oh.
"Darn pigeons! Just flying rats!" "What did you call me?" "Nothing!" Run, Simon.
Run as slow as you can.
"Yeah, my drone's pretty sweet.
Strap a GoPro on it, buzz some lamewads as they totally freak out, pop that shiz up on Vimeo, and, whoo, you go viral.
" It's a novelty oven mitt.
He's really caught between a rock and a fake place.
"We're supposed to be working together, Stan!" We represent The exploited labor guild Exploited labor guild Somebody must know its hiding place! "My TV Guide! Where did you put it?" It's nearby.
I can feel it.
Shurka! What is the meaning of this? Your subjects doubt my power, Udea.
They keep the ring from me.
I won't have you manhandling my servants.
"Whoa, boss! Not cool!" You no longer have any say in the matter, my queen.
"And your lymph nodes are a little swollen.
" Are you feeling okay?" - Servants! - We're short, not deaf.
Have you found the ring? His servant is Batman villain King Tut as played by Victor Buono.
"Then will you make me the happiest wizard in the world?" "Classic goof, boss.
Should've seen it comin'.
" Statue of Liberty! "I deserve this!" - Malkon! - "I got the promotion!" I want that ring, and I want it now.
Does anybody know how to nod in this movie? "Now to clean up his mess.
I hate being assistant manager.
" Do try to find it, Malkon.
We're running out of dwarves.
"Thanks to deforestation and rampant poaching.
" Harrowing escape from the Suicide Cavern or morning fun run? You decide.
"Can't wait to write my think piece about the lack of diversity in the haunted cave.
" "Hey, this looks just like the other side.
I think I got turned around there and went out the wrong end! Oh, fiddlesticks.
" Hey, I'm happy to report, we started getting some letters from viewers.
Nice.
Actual fan mail from some flounder.
Yeah, the first is a drawing.
It comes from Corey Robertson, who has two kids, Zander and Parker.
Zander's 11, and I think he drew this.
Cambot, give us still store.
Whoa.
Wa-wa-whee-wa.
Man, he didn't draw your head big enough.
Oh, come on.
I'm obviously brewing up another fantastic thought.
Oh, if you're so great, why are you all alone, saying, "Where is everyone else?" That's obvious.
Uh, I'm brilliant, and people are jealous, so they leave me alone a lot.
Sure, and he says, "Thank you for coming back.
I always have the best time watching your show.
" And this one comes from Parker, and it says, "It came from Deep 13.
" Right there, you can see, there's Forrester and Frank, Crow and Tom, and I guess that's either Mike or Joel, and then plus Gypsy and old Cambot.
And it seems that kid has encased us in some sort of horrible mind prison where we'll be forced to relive the choices we've made through all eternity.
- Well, I don't think he - Mind prisons? What are you trying to hand us, kid? You sell that mind-prison jazz to another show.
Let me at him.
I'm gonna fight that kid.
- Hey.
- Every time we turn around, they're putting us in mind prisons and drawing pictures of it and thinking they're so great.
Uh, you know, Crow, on second look, it just might be part of Gypsy, I think.
Oh! Okay.
I still like you, Parker.
Sorry about the "wanting to fight you.
" Sometimes, I just lash out, but it doesn't mean anything.
Sorry.
Jeez.
Well, what do you think, sirs and madam? The approval they're getting from the youth of America is really making me want to send them a movie sign.
It's right there.
Be my guest.
Oh, we got movie sign! "We don't need a broom," he says.
"The branch will do just fine," he says.
Campbell's still makes soup the good old-fashioned way.
With Margaret Dumont as the Black Knight.
And we've run out of characters.
Oh, please let that be poison ivy.
Please.
Oh, please.
Oh, please.
Hey, the cameraman's making a break for it! - Get him! - That's not fair.
Dork of the Flies.
Kor.
"Is the technical term for the center of the Earth.
" - Kor.
- What? I thought you said you didn't know him.
"Sure, he's my friend on Facebook, but I add everybody.
" You lied to me.
Does "raise the dead" kid really have the moral high ground here? Well, let's say I bent the truth a little.
Has he been following you long? "Only since I killed his family.
" Across three kingdoms.
"All of them lost and full of wizards.
" What did you do? It's what I didn't do.
What's that? I didn't marry his sister.
Why not? I got catfished, okay? Because she's his twin sister.
- They shaved Gulfax! - Look at him.
He's like a football covered in gopher hair.
What are they doing now? "Why is he standing there? What's the big pot for? I'm bored.
" They're preparing a big wedding dinner.
"With a vegan option.
" I can choose.
Be the guest of honor or the dinner.
He's wearing a Muppet-hair toupee.
Upstaged by a twig.
The good friar is very eager to perform the ceremony.
Right, Friar? "Mawwiage.
" So, do we marry you or marinate you? I tell you, Cyclops, I'd do it, but I just can't handle the in-laws.
Laugh while you can.
Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food? So it's dinner, then.
Good, I'm hungry.
Is it weird that the Cyclops is the most sympathetic character so far? - Are you still there? - Yes, Kor.
"Don't worry.
I heard your in-laws joke.
- It's hilarious.
" - Try to untie me.
"Okay, I just have to ow, brambles get through.
Ah! Oh, rose thorns.
Uh-oh.
Stepped on a wasp's nest.
" - Mmm! - You missed your mouth.
Reach down.
Reach down and put some dirt in my hand.
"Then when they eat me, they'll be eating dirt.
Ha ha.
Sweet revenge.
" "Yeah, the coriander makes the difference!" - Okay, now - "Take my place.
" Get out of here as quickly as you can.
"But kill the Cyclops first.
" What are you gonna do? You don't even have your sword.
"Which you're not even that good with.
" Don't worry about me.
Run.
I'll catch up with you.
"Ow, pine needles.
Oh, bear trap.
Ow, poison frog.
" "I spy with my little eye.
Get it?" I see you've put on a little weight! Don't fat-shame your food.
More for everybody! You know, as they say "Readying quip.
" Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
"But that phrase is a non sequitur in relation to your weight gain!" The mating call of the doughy bro.
Jeez, never thought I'd say this, but what's Simon up to right now? "Let me at that piñata!" That's my sword! Hey, put my sword down.
How'd they get Thelonious Monk for the soundtrack? What are you doing? What are you doing? "Um, slapstick object work?" You need training to use that sword.
"Do not hurt me.
I'm just a robot.
Beep.
Boop.
Beep.
Boop.
I don't think he's buying it.
Oh, my God!" Wizard of speed and time of the lost kingdom.
Where are you, Kor? Where are you, Kor? Oh, he's seeing through the nose.
Um, I'm I'm I'm right here, Cyclops.
Right here.
Right here.
Go on.
Now I'm gonna eat you.
What goes around comes around.
"My Kermie!" It's always awkward to run into an ex.
Hi.
Um Honestly, I think she could do a lot better.
I understand you're having your brother for dinner.
Heh.
Ha ha.
Right.
Boy, How I Met Your Mother got real weird.
"I wish they'd finally invent Game Boy already.
" Simon.
Let's go.
"I swiped so many decorative centerpieces.
" What's the matter? "I just heard One Direction broke up.
" You lied to me.
Yes, I did.
About the Cyclops? "And about where babies come from.
" Well, then why did you come? Why did I come with you? Because I like you, Simon.
For the first time in ages, I'm on the side of justice.
I like that.
"Usually I'm on the side of bacon!" See, treasures get spent, and glory fades, but justice and honor, they live forever.
Oh, so Simon bought that? Do you hear something? Just the sound of a whiny kid.
It's the dirtiest waterfall in the world! This is where the runoff goes from Wonka's chocolate factory.
The castle stood over there.
This used to be a little stream.
You're kidding.
"Why would I kid about something that uninteresting?" Shurka's becoming quite artistic.
"Did you see his Web comic about Crabby?" I can't believe we've come all this way for nothing.
How do you think we feel? We'll find a way.
"To the craft services table.
" Back and forth.
Golden and smooth.
Warm and shining.
"Crispety crunchety.
" Jewels for a queen.
A queen for Shurka.
"Who no longer desires cigarettes.
" What you've always wanted to be Shurka's queen.
"Boss, I got to say, I've got some issues with this.
" Young, handsome Shurka.
Shurka, have you gone mad? You really are beginning to annoy me, my dear.
Let the girl be.
Do you forget it is I who rule Axhome? No one rules me, Udea! "Though cash rules everything around me.
" It's time you learned that.
Guards! "Oh.
Oh, you're you're there already.
" Arrest this man.
"Devin, Todd, you still want those Vikings tickets, don't you?" - "Line?" - Guards! - We have names! - I think not.
"Way to turn the tables on her, boss!" I grow weary of you, dear lady.
"Like that 'Gangnam Style' song.
" "Coo?" Seeing your beauty consumed by jealousy chills my heart.
"Yet steams my beans.
" A most unpleasant situation.
But I do have a way to end my - "Sentence.
" - Troubles.
"Hurry it up, boss.
The spray paint's getting to me.
" Guards.
"Put her with the Fabergé eggs.
" She got off easy.
If this were Game of Thrones, they would have cut off her head right away, right on camera, and then cut off the heads of 40 or 50 other people.
They should call that show Game of Cutting Off Heads.
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Hey, this is just the movie's vacation videos.
Don't go chasing waterfalls.
All of this rushing water's really making me need to use the bathroom.
How would you even do that? I don't know, but I hope I figure it out soon.
You know, they auditioned dozens of waterfalls for this role, but when this waterfall was in the room with Simon, the chemistry was just electric.
Check out our homeboy.
He's been through, like, nine adventures, and his clothes are still spotless.
Total OCD.
"Well, time to Viking funeral myself.
" If they want us to stay awake through this, they should turn off the white-noise machine.
Kor-Tikia story of failure on the high seas.
It'd never work.
The current would sweep it away.
Kor, push him in! You have a better suggestion? You're not even building it right.
My young friend, I have probably built more rafts than you've had hot dinners.
Help! Please, help! No, Kor! It's too dangerous! "I know every time we follow strange women, we almost die, but I've got a good feeling about this one here.
" Help! I would face a thousand Cyclops brides before I swam through whatever that is.
Apparently Ovaltine is way harder to swim in than regular water.
"Aw.
They're playing Marco Polo without me.
" At the rate Kor's going, he'll save her right after she gets reincarnated.
"I am not getting these UGGs wet.
" Kor! Look out! Ghostbusters II sludge! "I don't want to die in beef water!" Please! Help me! I guess after being in this movie for the past hour, swimming in raw sewage isn't that much of a trial.
Hey, he's just crouching in the water! You lied to us, movie! "Kor, pay attention to me!" "Can't see anything down there, and now my eyes are full of watery fudge.
" I can't find her! She's gone! "On the plus side, this water tastes kind of like pork, so that's a nice surprise.
" Kor has the buoyancy of a bag of marshmallows.
- Say.
- Wrinkly fish-lady! Greetings, Kor.
Greetings, Simon.
"The kid who wanted me to drown.
" Who are you? I am Linnea, Mistress of the Falls.
- "Uhhh" - I have tested your manhood.
- "I feel so violated.
" - Why? To see if you are worthy of my help.
Will you help us reach the castle in time? I will grant you a swift passage across the falls.
The more you know Follow your hearts to the rainbow's end.
Gulfax? Oh, boy.
Get out the Woolite.
Gulfax! "You knew a shortcut? You jerk!" Hurla kept his word.
He's telling them he ate Hurla by accident.
Looking good.
Got a new haircut? "I went for a perm.
" "Shh.
I have a really embarrassing death scene for you.
" "Who else can I trip uh, I mean conquer?" What kind of evil guard gets to sit down? Awesome, no line for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
And dead somehow.
- Quiet.
- "Don't get worked up.
We're not here to free any of you.
" Kor the Contemplator.
Now spread the legend of K Oh.
"Oh, come on, guys.
There isn't even a lock on the door.
" "Okay, single file.
We're all gonna get to slap Shurka exactly once, but don't worry.
You'll all get your turn.
" Come on.
You're watching Wizards of the Lost Kingdom on MST3K, and we're watching you.
Freddie Mercury is losing it.
"Uh-oh.
My folks are coming home.
I got to get out of here!" The outfit says "elf," but the mustache says "Chicago police.
" The ring! I found the ring! "Now Shurka won't disintegrate me, and maybe he'll even let me wear Crabby.
Oh, boy, Crabby's so cool.
Oh.
" "I don't remember a Yeti crotch here.
" An older kid! Little did you know, Shurka's not the only one capable of abusing dwarves around here.
This music means they're the bad guys now.
"With this ring, I me wed.
" "Now I'm classy like Joe Pesci!" "I don't know if it's really magic, but it makes me feel so pretty, and isn't that the same thing?" "You sure throw a swell shindig, boss!" Loyal citizens of Axhome, I have the pleasure of announcing two historical events tonight.
"Don't hype it up too much, boss.
" The execution of the treacherous queen, Udea "And the launch of my podcast!" And my marriage to the new queen of our great kingdom "Slash lunch lady.
" Princess Aura.
Legendary magical kingdom, population 22.
Before I become too festive My queen, any last words? No? Oh, well Sipra, are you ready with your bow? - "A-yup!" - Good.
Make it clean, Sipra.
It's not the least effective method of execution, but it's got to be up there, right? Uh, excuse me.
"I need some jumper cables.
" Excuse me, everybody.
I'm sorry to break up your party, but, uh No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't don't get up for my sake, okay? Please don't.
Who is Shurka? "Give this guy the what for, boss!" - I am.
- "And I'm his hat!" "Where's your bathroom?" At last we meet, Kor.
Thrilling, isn't it? Seize him! "Conqueror shove!" "Would you just get out of my way?" "Let's get him, girls!" "Help, I'm being chased by unarmed civilians! Ah!" So he runs back out through the castle, into the woods, and we're back out to where we started.
Oh, perfect.
Ralph Macchios, assemble! Macchios! Macchios! Macchios! - Más Macchios! - Muchos Macchios! Muchos más Macchios! "The noogier has become the noogee!" "Boss, is it strange our army of warriors is being defeated by a bunch of kids?" "Not now, Crabby.
" "Before I kill you, I want to show you how to properly fillet a grouper.
" "Shall I cut you some cake? Oh, I forgot you're gluten-free now.
More cake for me, I suppose.
" Mickey Rooney! Are they in Santa's workshop now? "I really don't need this right now, Crabby.
" "This is so lame.
I'm gonna go to my room and text emojis or whatever teens do.
" "So now that we're alone, I just want to tell you that I love" Oh.
"No time! Got to go!" "Hate to say I told you so, boss!" Two-dollar mead night at the Ren Faire.
Sheesh, this is less organized than an electric football game.
"Crabby, what do you say we start a new life in an even more lost kingdom?" I guess we'll root for the beige? Yeah.
Go, beige! Beige.
Aw, yeah, here we go.
Comeuppance time.
You go, girl.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
She's about to teach him a lesson in girl power he will never, ever Oh.
"It's been a good day.
" Everyone in the pool! "I'm a tarantula!" Wow, Kor's a pretty good swordsman when it's too dark to actually see what he's doing.
Beige! Beige! Beige! "Tell my story!" "Oh, Crabby, why do we bother?" And unsurprisingly, the long-awaited Gulfax/Ape-ula battle is a total anticlimax.
"Eh, you were too good for her anyway, boss.
" "Oh, right.
The primary antagonist.
" "Captain Planet!" He was all a dream.
Oh, well, that was easy.
"Bleh.
" "I've got crappy special effects, too!" Ooh.
He's literally too little, too late.
Better late than never.
"Come on, boss, you've got this.
You can take this whiny brat.
" "Now I'm here.
" Ahhh So how come wizards have such terrible aim? Must be all that extra fabric in their sleeves.
Throws off their movements.
Come on, wizards are the nerds of the fantasy world.
Clearly, they all need glasses, but glasses haven't been invented yet.
Well, you'd think they'd have a spell to make their eyesight better.
Yeah, well, clearly they don't, because their aim is so bad.
Laser friendship bracelet! Are they still fighting or just sharing Spirograph drawings? Oh, no, it's a birthday cake.
No, a jail cell! No, a crab! "There goes the wrap-party budget.
" He's calling on the power of MotÃrhead.
There's the windup and the pitch.
And Simon hits it.
It's good.
"I've always loved you, Crabby!" "Oh, wow.
I should've done that right at the beginning.
" "Hmm, I'm their god now.
" Ah! "Another victory for Kor the Bystander.
" "This victory party better have booze.
" "Old conquerors never die.
They just fade away.
" "Good-bye.
Hello!" Take care, half-pint.
Stop by when you want a little wine, eh? - Enabler.
- Very little.
Time to return to the dust from whence he came.
"Now to defeat Kor!" Pretty epic game of Duck, Duck, Goose going on back there.
"Unfinished business, old man.
" Where are you going? "Come on, Kor, come up with a good lie.
Um, uh, um" - Nowhere, really.
- "Ah, sh" Why don't you stay in Axhome? - Why? - Have you seen this place? I'm no longer needed here.
"And it's so gentrified.
" I'll be needing you now more than ever.
"Help me reign over my lobby-palace and 800 square feet of a kingdom.
" You know, we all feel we need someone, but I'm just wondering if that someone isn't already within ourselves.
"Don't you patronize me!" You take good care.
Good luck, Simon.
"With your bossy wife and giant poodle-demon best friend.
" - Kor? - "Oh.
Come on, already, Simon.
" "You're somehow softer than Gulfax.
Cocoa butter?" The villagers in the back must be getting tired of running around in circles by now.
"All right, I think we got it.
Okay? Yep, we're good.
Never do that again.
" "Uh, can I borrow three bucks for the subway? Oh, your hand.
That's good, too.
" Rule well, Simon.
Be a good king.
John Locke would argue monarchy is inherently oppressive.
Go on.
Go on back, Simon.
You got someone waiting for you.
"Ape-ula!" Oh, how nice.
And King Simon reigns in peace and wisdom.
Seriously, you believe that? You know he's gonna make a bloody purge of the remaining Shurka loyalists.
Oh, he has to.
Of course, the paranoia that more remain will drive him mad.
Oh, leaving him open to his prudish wife's incredibly strict religious beliefs.
Yeah, leading him to install a ruthless theocracy in which thousands are slain by agents of the inquisition.
I mean, are you sure he can't just grow up to be a wise, old, merry king? Open your eyes, Jonah! Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Before long, even his closest friend, Gulfax, will have joined the rebellion.
Hurla, that wily political operator, will switch sides.
And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle may begin anew.
A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same.
You guys are making me feel sick.
It's called reality, Jonah.
Learn to live with it.
Ready to brave the horrors of Suicide Cave, Servo? I mean, Simon? What is this exactly? It's the Wizards of the Lost Kingdom Suicide Cave: A Place That Feeds on Fear playset, crown jewel of the Wizards toy line.
- Ahem, my quest awaits.
- Right.
Brave the ghosts of ineffectiveness.
Ew, and they're spitting on me.
Face the irritation of that flying thing.
Ugh! It's tangled in my flouncy sleeves.
Dare to challenge the puppet dragon that can't move past its rock! This closed space is triggering my claustrophobia.
Bury me with my trust fund.
Me next.
I want a turn.
No, Max, knock it off.
We have work to do, for you see, there is another Wizards of the Lost Kingdom movie.
Surely, this is the dark night of the show.
Push the button, Max.
Damn him! He has beaten me this time, Bobino!