Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e11 Episode Script

1 Oh, hi, welcome to the Satellite of Love.
You caught us on kind of a downer day.
It's raining outside.
Oh, we want to go outside and play.
And I know you're thinking, "But outside is space, so you can't go outside anyways.
" The rain really drives that home.
Yeah.
Ah! [screaming.]
So Jonah gets to go outside? Not fair! Bah! [Jonah screaming.]
[upbeat music.]
[man.]
0 In the not-too-distant future [man.]
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- [man.]
Next Sunday A.
D.
- [man.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
[man.]
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? [man.]
A distress call came in for him At half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon [Kinga.]
I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - [singers.]
La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Now, keep in mind That Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends [man.]
Robot roll call [together.]
Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow [man.]
If you're wondering How he eats and breathes - And other science facts - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 [all.]
Rain, rain, go away Rain, rain, go away Rain, rain, go away Oh, the Wet Willies are calling.
It's raining on the Moon, too.
Might as well have an invention exchange.
Remember CliffsNotes, the summaries of classic literature you used in school to get out of reading an actual book? Now we don't have the attention span for those, so we've condensed the great books even further Using the best-ever method of communication emojis! - Presenting GIF Notes! - Ah, yes.
William Shakespeare's immortal Hamlet.
Ghost emoji.
Crying face.
Crown.
Sword.
Tombstone.
It's all there.
Absorb Tolstoy's War and Peace in seconds.
Cannon emoji.
Peace sign emoji.
The end.
What do you think, sirs? Our invention goes straight for the unevolved lizard brain in all of us.
Ever see a cute "wittle" bunny wabbit wiggling its little itty-bitty nose? And thought, "I want to punt that"? Well, now you can, with Punt Bunnies the only bunny you can punt! [rabbit squealing.]
Ooh! Ha ha! - Punt it, Max.
- No, I-I don't want to.
No, no.
It's okay.
They like it.
Please punt me.
Ooh.
[rabbit squealing.]
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Now, we know Wizards of the Lost Kingdom was a hard experience for you.
Good news! Today you're watching the sequel.
That's not good news! Yeah, I didn't say it was good news for you.
- [device warbling.]
- Uh, hey, Max, do you mind? Moon 14 is calling.
- [groans.]
- [rabbit squealing.]
- Oh! - Oh! What a happy little screamer! So cute.
[crying.]
Hey.
This is RD, your maintenance man.
A hose came loose, and we had another movie spill.
I can show you what's missing.
Hmm.
Looks like David Carradine is fighting a giant tentacled monster? Actually pretty cool.
Maybe could've saved the whole movie.
Sorry about that.
[rabbit squealing.]
- Oh, God.
- Ooh! [Kinga.]
Send them the movie.
Enter the nightmare-fueled world of Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II.
Movie in the hole! [liquid gurgling.]
Oh, that's a lot of eggplant emojis.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
David Carradine in Mystery Science Theater 3000.
[Jonah.]
Whoa.
Good night, Moon, forever.
[Crow.]
Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II: Sophomore Year! Yee-haw! [Tom.]
This movie is already so much more awesomer than the first one.
[Jonah.]
The music is all orchestral hits.
It's like a Super Nintendo soundtrack.
- [man laughing.]
- [Tom.]
"Do I delight you?" [Crow.]
Jonah, are our lives flashing before our eyes? [Jonah.]
Shel Silverstein! [Tom.]
And now the only cool part of the first movie.
[laughing.]
[Jonah.]
"I can't help it! I love laughing!" [Crow.]
Hell's bells! It's Mel Welles! [Tom and Crow imitating gurgling sounds.]
[Vanir.]
The age of heroes came to an end.
[Jonah.]
Bye, heroes.
[Vanir.]
And in their place, evil wizards rose up to oppress the three kingdoms.
[Tom.]
We three kingdoms Of Orient aren't [Vanir.]
As ever, it was the people who suffered.
[Crow.]
The people in the audience, that is.
[men groaning and yelling.]
[Vanir.]
Some tried to fight back [Jonah.]
"Mostly women.
Just saying.
" [Vanir.]
But the magic and the soldiers proved too much.
[Tom.]
"So what I'm saying is, everything accomplished in the first Wizards movie was meaningless.
" [Crow.]
"And all the characters, even that white Chewbacca knock-off thing, are dead.
" [Jonah.]
"And this is definitely a sequel, not a completely unrelated movie that we slapped the beloved Wizards brand on.
" [Vanir.]
And at last, there remained only one hope to rid the kingdom of this terrible darkness.
[Tom.]
SEAL Team 6? [Vanir.]
Caedmon of Nogg! [Crow.]
Caveman eggnog? What? Speaking! Speaking.
Hello? - [Jonah.]
Bruce Vilanch? [snickers.]
- Hello.
Hello? [Tom.]
"Does anyone want to hang out?" [Crow.]
Hmm.
What if they started a movie and nobody came? [Jonah.]
Long johns, UGGs, and a leather cummerbund? Okay.
Go for it.
You be you.
[Tom.]
"Whoa.
Flashback.
Oh.
" Oonum ayclovee drayta sohm! [Crow.]
"Bake me a cake as fast as you can.
" My powers are gone.
[Jonah.]
Seeing how you live, did you ever have any at all? [Vanir.]
Fear not, Caedmon.
It is I, Vanir, your master.
Oh oh, great and powerful Vanir, I am not worthy to receive you.
[Tom.]
"Well, we agree on that.
" You are the last of the good wizards.
[Crow.]
"Good.
Not great.
" Evil ones have destroyed the rest.
Therefore, I must give you the task of destroying them.
But, Great Father, I am a mere shepherd and one of the lowest order of wizards.
The three great powers of creation have now been divided: - By Loki of Baldar - [Jonah.]
Uh-huh.
- [Vanir.]
Donar of Fennir - [Crow.]
Sure.
[Vanir.]
And the most powerful evil lord, Zarz of Eedok.
[Tom.]
Got ya.
But, Master, what can I do against forces such as these? You must seek out the one whose purity of heart can reunite the three powers.
I've never instructed a novice in the rites of passage before.
I beg you to choose someone else who could serve you better in this task of such great magnitude.
[Gypsy.]
"Nope.
You're the one.
Enjoy your arm soup.
" [liquid bubbling.]
You must travel to the fields of Eedok and find the boy.
This child will be the one all others follow.
But how? How will I know the child? [Vanir.]
Look into the bucket.
[Tom.]
Captain Lou Albano? [Vanir.]
He is the chosen one [Jonah.]
"Duuuhhh" [Vanir.]
And carries my mark in the hollow of his right arm.
Drink your coffee now and go.
Yes, Master.
Drink my coffee.
[Jonah.]
Man, they're putting a Starbucks everywhere these days, I tell you.
You got it at every corner.
Coffee? [Crow.]
Is coffee usually so soapy? I don't know why they give such an important quest to a powerless, has-been wizard.
[Jonah.]
Someone's been reading the comment section on his blog posts.
[Tom.]
Well, for a wizard, he's refreshingly conscious about fire safety.
But for you, Father, I'll do it.
[Crow.]
"Still won't give you a proper burial, though.
Try not to let the neighbor kids play with your skull while I'm gone.
" [Vanir.]
And so, Caedmon of Nogg went forth across the wilderness of Syn to find, to train, and to inspire the unknown, untried boy hero called Tyor.
And as each day passed, the reign of terror grew worse.
[Jonah.]
Street theater ran rampant! [Tom.]
"Parkour! Ugh" "Also parkour!" [Jonah.]
Look, Conan the Bar-Mannequin.
[Tom.]
"Ugh! I can't get this stupid tree to plant.
Ugh!" [Crow.]
Jesus, the teenage years.
[Jonah.]
Who knew farming needed so much stick action of all sizes? [Tom.]
Yes, life is a little simpler here in Grover's Corners.
[Jonah.]
"Ah, cripes.
Oh, jeez.
Look who's coming up the walk, would you?" [Crow.]
This must take place before eyebrows were invented.
[Tom.]
"Don't mind me.
Just gonna take a quick, no-nonsense whiz behind your haystack.
Go about your business, please, ma'am.
Thank you.
" [Jonah.]
"If I had eyebrows, I'd be raising them right now.
" [Crow.]
Oh, he brought his travel-sized wizard hat.
Nice.
[Tom.]
"Yep, just an ordinary non-wizard interested in dirt.
You buying this?" [Jonah.]
Really loose retelling of the story of Jacob.
Get in the hut.
[Tom.]
"Son, I'm a scout for Major League Ground Poking.
You got the goods.
" An old man.
[Jonah.]
"Come on.
Give Pop-Pop huggies.
" [Tyor.]
I've never seen an old man before.
[Crow.]
"It's so beautiful!" Which way is north? [Crow.]
"My magic compass ran out of goat's blood.
" - Over there.
- [Crow.]
"Peekaboo!" Which way is west? Right there.
[Jonah.]
"Should've asked Siri.
" Where is Heaven? [Tom.]
"Ooh! It's a place on Earth.
" Everywhere.
[Crow.]
Heaven's in his armpit! [dramatic music.]
I have come here for you, Tyor of Eedok.
We have no money for cutthroats! We're the object of charity ourselves.
I didn't come here for that.
- He's Caedmon of Nogg.
- Wizard emeritus.
If you need proof, I am capable of creating a miracle or two.
I shall turn that stack of hay into gold.
Galfar balfang voolfulf! [Jonah.]
Whoo! Metallica! Ha ha ha! [Tom.]
Young Pete Rose is not impressed.
[goofy synth music.]
[Crow.]
"Night soil.
Brown gold.
Texas guano! You're welcome.
" I spent hours of of sweat and pain gathering that.
[Jonah.]
"I missed countless haircuts!" You turned it into a pile of dung.
Well, my apologies.
I'm afraid I'm not the wizard I once was.
[Tom.]
"I also eat a great deal of bran.
" I was sent a dream that you might be called by a fat wizard - [all groaning.]
- [Tom.]
Hey! - bearing the mark of Vanir.
- [Crow.]
Gang colors! I thought you said it was just a birthmark.
The day I've always feared.
In some ways, it's a relief.
[Jonah.]
'Cause now we can leave the movie.
It is your duty to accept the quest, Tyor, and reunite the powers of creation.
Only then can the evil lords be conquered.
Why me? Only an innocent heart can conquer evil where great but corruptible warriors have failed.
I shall guide you in the path of becoming a wizard.
- [Crow, sarcastically.]
"Great.
" - And you will be helped by heroes in each of the three lands.
[Tom.]
"Insert two tokens, and press play.
" Have I been chosen, or have I been had? [Jonah.]
"Why not both?" Look at it this way, my son.
It's better than pulling turnips.
[Tom.]
"Oh, Mom, it's a Coach.
How'd you know?" [Crow.]
Mm.
Emo Philips leaves home.
[Jonah.]
"Toodle-oo!" [Tom.]
"Wise wizard, please teach me how to run.
" Caedmon? Can can we can we stop and rest? I mean, can we stop and have some millet, please? [Jonah.]
Kids go runnin' for that great taste of millet.
What is this I have in my hand? - A turnip.
- And what can no man get from a turnip? - [Crow.]
"Self-esteem?" - Uh - Blood? - Aha.
But we are not men.
- [Tom.]
"We are DEVO!" - We are wizards, and this shall be your first lesson.
Now, say, "Veni sangra dee," and then make a pass.
[Jonah.]
"Never mind.
It didn't work when I just did it, so just forget it.
" Veni sangra dee.
- [Crow.]
Ugh! Get a towel! - [Jonah.]
Ugh! [Tom.]
Ugh, don't drink it! - [Crow and Jonah.]
Ew! - [Tom.]
Why would you drink it? It tastes great! [Max.]
Okay, now we're meeting a teenage wizard whose relationship with the other teenage wizard from the last film is really just the name Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
Chicken soup.
Here, try some.
We're after blood, not chicken soup! [Crow.]
Mm, but soup's so much more useful.
- So the powers of creation - [Jonah imitating grunting.]
were controlled by foolish kings who did not know that when together, the amulet, the sword, and the chalice - could bring complete peace, or - [Jonah imitating grunting.]
I can't do it! - at least [Tom.]
"Acting is hard!" - Keep at it.
Please, keep at it.
[Crow.]
Epic manspread.
The evil lords, they took one power each - [Jonah imitating grunting.]
- and the lands that went with them.
- They thought that if they could - I give up! I can't turn a plowshare into a sword.
[Jonah.]
"I tried, like, three times!" Maybe it should be the other way around.
[Tom.]
"Pfft.
Loser can't even rearrange atoms.
" I mean, you made a sow's ear out of a silk purse.
Yeah, but that's the lowest trick in magic.
[Tom.]
"Besides the French drop.
" I mean, why can't we make something useful, like a [Jonah.]
A fast-forward button? like a roast chicken? All right, all right, but only because it's part of your training.
[Crow.]
"And I'm not making it up as I go along.
" Let's see, now.
- [Tom.]
He has an actual thinking cap.
- How does it go? - [scoffs.]
Don't ask me.
- We haven't gotten to chickens yet.
Uh [Jonah.]
You guys, I never thought I'd miss Simon and Kor so badly.
Oh, yes.
- It's a likely stone.
- [Tom.]
Sly and the Family Stone? You'll place this stone upon that rock.
Go on.
Go on.
Go on.
Quickly.
[Crow.]
"And when the stone is hot, put it on my back, because I am carrying a lot of pent-up magic energy in my lumbar ooh.
" - Coomin - [Jonah.]
You mean "cumin.
" om oshabo! [Tom.]
"Bam! Kicked it up a notch.
" [Caedmon laughing.]
[Crow.]
Oh, so he is Kenny Rogers.
[chuckles.]
Nice.
[Tom.]
"Now to magic up a fixings bar!" - Ugh! - [Jonah.]
"Tofurky?" Not again, Caedmon.
I mean, it looks like chicken [Tom.]
Uh-huh.
feels like chicken - [Tom.]
Wait for it.
- but it eats like a rock.
[Crow.]
Ah, classic.
[Jonah.]
And so our heroes' noble quest continued on well into the mid-afternoon.
[Tyor.]
All right! They have drammel here! [Caedmon.]
You're too young for drammel.
[Tom.]
"So more for me! I've got a problem.
" What are we doing at this place anyway? Seeking a great warrior of legend known as the Dark One.
The Dark One? [Crow.]
"Bobby Fischer is Renegade.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, that's not how you play chessboxing.
[Tom.]
Oh, I love this part.
Just wait until they all start dancing to "Tequila.
" It's hilarious.
[Crow.]
Hagrid and Harry search Diagon Alley for just a drop of butterbeer.
[Jonah.]
The guys from Sparks love arm wrestling.
[Tom.]
"Uh, yes, we'd like the senior discount, and he's under 12 years old, so he eats free, right?" [chuckles.]
[Crow.]
Somebody had a house payment.
Whew! No pets means no goats, too.
[Tom.]
Kung Fu: The Insults Continue.
[Jonah.]
"Friend?" How's the drammel in here? [Tom.]
"It's drammelicious.
" Best in all of Eedok.
You heard otherwise, old man? No.
No, I'm quite sure that the drammel is very good.
Damn right, it's good.
[Crow.]
"And locally sourced, too.
" All right.
Here you go.
That'll be two coppers, sir.
[Tom.]
Come on, guy from Sparks, put away the other guy from Sparks.
[Crow.]
"I've never had liquefied Pringles before.
Bottoms up.
" [Jonah.]
"No, no, this is Schlitz!" Very fine.
[Crow.]
"Just tamp down this bile.
" Uh, you wouldn't be the Dark One, would you? - [Tom.]
Samurai barkeep? - Brother from The Wonder Years? [Crow.]
Homeless Santa? I'm just a simple bartender, sir.
[Tom.]
How come we didn't make a grasshopper joke before? Seems kind of obvious now.
Why are you looking for the Dark One? I have need of a mighty warrior.
- Well! - [Jonah imitating squeaking.]
At least you certainly started at the top.
Now, what would an old man like you want with the greatest warrior alive? What are you, a slaver or what? [Crow.]
"I'm a slave?" I need the Dark One for a much bigger fight.
Well, I can't help you there, old man.
Story is, the Dark One was eaten by the wolves of Vanir, and they're real slow chewers, too.
Probably took him a couple days to die.
Hell of a way to go, ain't it, kid? [Jonah.]
"Don't pander to me.
" [Crow.]
"Welp, drammel ain't gonna chug itself.
" [imitating fast gulping.]
[man.]
Cut your gizzard out.
And your eyes! Eye! Eye! I only got one eye! [man.]
But that's good enough to see you underground.
[Jonah.]
"You call that an eye?" [man.]
I'll see you in hell, Cyclops! [Tom.]
Oh! So that's why there's a D health rating in the window.
[Crow.]
"The drammel was excellent, but half my party was murdered for talking too loudly.
Two stars.
" [Jonah.]
His family's gonna make so much money suing the makers of that chest plate.
We need you to help on a quest.
A quest, is it? To do what? Reunite the powers of creation? [Tom.]
"D'oh!" You've been telling everybody, huh? Look, uh, maybe you and the boy ought to start out a little slower, something simple, like, uh, rescuing a virgin? [Crow.]
Aw, quest burn! Dark One, we need you if we're gonna overthrow these evil wizards.
Well, I don't doubt that, but, uh Ordinarily, I'd be real happy to accommodate you.
Business is too good.
I'm sorry.
[Jonah.]
"I couldn't leave all this.
" There are some things more important than business.
Yeah? Name two, goat head.
[Tom.]
"Goats and heads!" Your kid's a little high-strung, you know that, don't you? He cares about conquering evil.
- [Crow.]
"And chicken.
" - Like I said, high-strung.
[upbeat music playing.]
There's the little woman getting ready to do a dance.
- She's very artistic.
- [Crow.]
Severely artistic.
Hey! Yeah! [Jonah.]
That fiddle player in the back is the real talent.
I mean, how's he getting all these sounds from one instrument? Hey, guys! [Tom.]
"Leer at my wife!" [Dark One.]
She dances for tips, you know.
[Crow.]
"And the fiddler's doing all that without even touching the strings! Bravo!" [Jonah.]
The cow must've hit the wall at 100 miles an hour.
[Tom.]
"Is this what hormones feel like?" [Crow.]
"Can I get a refill, ma'am? Please? R-refill.
" [Tom.]
"Hope she likes Prince Valiant cuts.
" [Jonah.]
Ye Olde Coyote Ugly.
[Crow.]
So who exactly was the intended audience for this scene? [Tom.]
Oh, you know, shut-ins, dogs in front of the TV that were accidentally left on.
He's in a different line of work now, Tyor.
[Jonah.]
"Hospitality.
" We won't change his mind.
She's beautiful, Master! So delicate! [Crow.]
"She's her own bouncer!" So strong! Time to go, Tyor.
- [Tyor.]
But, Master! - Time to go, Tyor! - But, Master! - [Jonah.]
"Time to go, Tyor!" - Isn't the arts part of my education? - [Caedmon.]
Absolutely not! [Tom.]
"The state cut arts funding!" Uh, try me again in the offseason, okay? [Crow.]
So these are tourists? All right, fellas.
This corner table didn't contribute to the entertainment, dear.
[Jonah.]
Looks like springtime for Maynard G.
Krebs.
[Dark One.]
Hey, guys? [Crow.]
"It's five o'clock.
We're turning into a Brazilian steak house.
" What's the matter with you? [Jonah.]
Don't! The Michelin reviewers! Don't like my wife dancing? Don't forget the food, dear.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
[Tom.]
"We got Bagel Bites tonight.
" Here you go, guys.
[Crow.]
"Uh, eat up.
Kitty litter.
" - Snacks for everybody.
- [man.]
Ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha! - [Tom.]
"Come on, Tyor.
If we wanted this kind of service, we would've gone to Denny's.
" [Jonah.]
Coochie-coochie-goo! [man groaning.]
[Crow.]
We feel you, bald, crazy guy.
We feel you.
- Billy Zane? - Shut up! [Jonah.]
"All right, boy, let's split up and find the funnel cakes.
" [Tom.]
So Costco gave out samples back then, too.
[Crow.]
No sale, Paul F.
Tompkins.
Where are we going? To find someone who can help us.
[Jonah.]
Aw, it's her first shoplift.
Are we going shopping? I could use some new shoes.
Shut up, and just act interested in things.
[Crow.]
Is he talking directly to us? Since we're here, can you lend me some brass to buy my mother a present? Yes.
[Tom.]
"Unload some of these Canadian loonies.
" - Mother a present - [Jonah.]
"My mom loves produce.
" [Tom.]
Classic potato-haggling cutaway.
[Crow.]
I'm not saying this is a cheap movie, but once they're done with this shot, those chickens go right in the craft services table.
[Jonah.]
Oh, what about the goats? [Crow.]
Oh, yeah.
Everybody gets theirs.
[Tom.]
This is one unhappy puppet show.
Hello.
Careful with the merchandise.
[Jonah.]
Jack Klugman? - How may I help you, sir? - Uh [Crow.]
"Bathroom just for paying customers or?" Do you have any brass lamps? [Tom.]
"Don't leave me hangin', bro.
" - Come inside.
Right this way.
- [Jonah.]
"Your order's ready.
Please pull up to the next window.
" [Tom.]
"Welcome to Bed Brass & Beyond.
" Vanir sent you? Yes.
We are looking for Prince Erman.
[Crow.]
"Paging Prince Erman.
" Loki has chained our hero in a dungeon guarded by demons.
We must have his help.
It's Erman who needs the help.
We can't attack to free him because Loki has three of the town's daughters held hostage.
Vanir has demanded that we overthrow Loki.
What can you do against the power of the Amulet of Light? I? I can do nothing.
- [Crow.]
Tradition - But here is the chosen one.
I like this one better.
Can I get this one for my mother? [Tom.]
"Sorry he's such a dorkus.
" Vanir seems to be with him, at least.
Now, how can we get to Prince Erman? There is a way.
Wait here [Jonah.]
Ugh, as exciting as it is to watch Tyor play with a garbage can [doors clanking and whirring.]
Hi.
If you're watching this, you've purchased your own Dark One's Renaissance Inn & Grille franchise.
Thanks for joining Team Dark One and our mission to serve skunky drammel and top-quality violence.
Excuse me.
Do you serve drammel? You're not wizards, are you? Don't let wizards in.
With their side quests and long conversations, they act like they're your only customers, and if you let 'em in, they will be.
Two drammels coming up, ya filth! Never water down the drammel.
Customers like having the lining of their esophagus stripped off.
And then, to save time washing glasses, just Ow.
Keep in mind, subtle threats mean big tips, but big threats mean bigger tips.
Give me money, or I'll kill you! Ah.
And don't stab patrons until they've paid their bill.
Common mistake.
And always have a quip handy.
Nobody ever complained about a free side of sarcasm.
Knife to meet you! Have a knife day! And always say that.
You don't have to mean it.
- Huzzah! - [chuckles.]
Aw! I was expecting medieval, but it was top-ieval all the way.
Oh, the anxiety starts when you step through the door and increases exponentially until you're mortally wounded! A corpse landed on my neeps and tatties! On the drive home, I was still picking food out of my hair.
- What? - That's great value.
Dark One's Renaissance Inn & Grille if your customers survive, you're doing it wrong.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! Oh, my goodness.
We got to go.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
Came in Through the dungeon window - [woman.]
What's that? - [woman 2.]
What's what? - [woman.]
I heard something.
- [woman 2.]
Oh, what is it? [woman.]
Somebody in the hay loft.
[Crow.]
Someone overpacked for a stealth mission.
[woman.]
Yes, yes, it must be! - [women shriek delightedly.]
- [Jonah.]
Aw, the wizard melted.
[woman.]
We knew you'd rescue us! Master, I hear girls! Who cares? - [Crow.]
"I'm just a stuntman.
" - Where are you, girls? - Down here! - [Tom.]
"Hope you like blondes!" - Hi.
- [both.]
Hi.
My name's Tyor.
What's your name? I'm Priscilla.
- I'm Jane.
- [Crow.]
"I'm Jim!" We don't know what her name is.
[Jonah.]
"And we're not gonna ask!" [Crow.]
Oh, he tripped on the edit.
[Tom.]
"Whee.
" [Jonah.]
Whoa, someone shops at Party City.
[creature growling.]
[Tom.]
"Tyor, do you even care that a werewolf is, like, killing your friend?" [Crow.]
"Uh, guys, we're still rolling.
Everyone needs to keep acting, not just Terence in the wolf suit there.
Come on.
" - [Caedmon.]
Use your powers! - [Jonah.]
"Of persuasion!" [woman.]
Powers? [Tyor.]
I'm a wizard.
[Caedmon.]
He's gonna tear me to bits! Tyor! Coomin om oshabo.
[Tom.]
Tyor just created Chick-fil-A.
[Crow.]
Oh, I had this Aurora model set.
- The babes/werewolf/fat wizard dungeon.
- [creature sniffing.]
[Tom.]
"Is that bacon? Crispety, crunchety, yummy bacon? It's bacon!" [Jonah.]
Why do werewolves wear slacks, anyway? [Crow.]
They're modest.
How about that? [Tom.]
"Meh.
" Fetch my stick and bag.
[Tom.]
Hey, that's one of the phrases the Caedmon talking doll says.
[Crow.]
It says on IMDb Tyor did his own stunts.
Erman's in there! [Jonah.]
"So hard to eat through this wolf mask.
I can't even see which side is up.
" [Tom.]
"So we'll just wait here, then?" Hey, there's Erman! [Crow.]
"I recognize him from Snapchat!" - [Jonah.]
"Hiyah!" - [hog demon squealing.]
[Tom.]
Miss Piggy's gone feral! Hello, whoever you are.
Could could you give me a hand with this slimy hog demon? [Crow.]
"She needs changing.
" What can we do? I'll handle this.
I'll break Erman's chains.
Let's see.
Which one was that again? Uh, colta, sinda, voloo.
[Jonah.]
This is the wrong guy to give Force lightning to.
I can tell you that for free.
[Tyor.]
You freed the monster! Oh, do you work for Loki or what? [Tom.]
"Oh, Kermie.
My eight breasts!" [Tom and Jonah.]
"We're helping.
" [Crow.]
In lost kingdom, ham spiral-cuts you! Are you sure you've got the right power? Command the beast as you were taught in your rites of passage.
Quickly.
[Crow.]
His training went from conjuring lunch to commanding pig demons? Ultra McClavay Botanna! Leave the man alone.
Attack the creature in the other room.
[Crow.]
Creatures crawl In search of blood To terrorize y'all's neighborhood - Attack! - [Jonah.]
Hey! They pulled off the Dirty Dancing lift! [Tom.]
Iconic.
[Crow.]
I'd be more terrified if they weren't both wearing relaxed-fit Dockers.
[Jonah.]
Ding, ding, ding! And the second "werewolf slacks" joke is on the board.
[Tom.]
Welcome to the World Were-Wolf Wrestling Federation.
Tonight on WWWWF Raw, we're in Atlanta, where Privileged Pretty-Boy Were-Wolf is taking on Country Cousin Were-Pig.
Let's watch.
[Crow.]
I know they should be using this time to escape, but come on, you can't blame them for watching.
[Jonah.]
Even if you admit they're just guys in painter clothes and rubber masks, like, when are you gonna see this again? [Tom.]
Aw, they're tuckered out.
[Jonah.]
I didn't realize this quest would be just so tacky, like one of those crummy Jaycee Haunted Houses on the edge of town.
Sheesh! [Crow.]
"Where were we? Right.
Okay.
Almost killing the guy we were rescuing.
" [Tom.]
"Thank God you're here.
I'm late for my Abercrombie shoot.
" Colta, sinda, voloo! [Jonah.]
"Thanks, kid, but maybe not so close to my area next time.
" I'm glad you made it by dinner, boy.
[chuckles.]
'Cause I think I was it.
[Tom.]
Billy Ray Cyrus has a great attitude for being locked up in a dungeon.
Being locked up! And to have three [Crow.]
Mwah! beautiful women so close [Crow.]
"Master, is he eating them?" [Tom pops lips.]
yet so far away.
[Tom.]
"And you're the generic brand.
Mmm.
" I was going berserk! But maybe you don't know anything about that yet.
[Crow.]
"Dweeb.
" Is this what heroes are made of? - Enough! Enough, girls.
- [Jonah laughing.]
Okay, I've got to get you out of here.
Let's see.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
You should be skinny enough to slip right through that window.
I was.
[Jonah.]
It's not a competition, Caedmon.
- Who'd you miss more? Me, right? - Impossible! Erman, you love only me.
You do! - Rragghh! - [Crow.]
"Rragghh!" That's how I feel about this scene, too! But a hero rarely lies! And I've got work to do.
So you go home, and you tell your fathers that the uprising may begin! Whoo! [Jonah.]
"Ah, why isn't the hog demon answering my texts?" [Crow.]
Uh, that was more of a conceptual wound.
Okay, the citizens will attack Loki's guards now that the maidens are free.
I'll go with them.
You two go back in the castle, and you occupy Loki so he can't use his magic against the attack.
[Tom.]
"And remember to use OccupyLoki so we get trending.
" [Crow.]
The legendary Ropes of Convenience! [Tom.]
"Time for more gentle swordplay!" [Jonah.]
And Bull from Night Court joins the fight! [Crow.]
"Time for go to bed.
" I kill you.
You lie down.
[Jonah.]
Was anyone actually saying that? [Crow.]
Yeah, I did.
Nobody cares.
[Tom.]
Loki's waiting for his dining-room table to be delivered.
I see you have freed Prince Erman, young savior.
[Jonah.]
"I saw it all from my evil bay windows.
" But it's of no use, you fools.
The rebels can't win, not while I still control the kingdom with the Amulet of Light.
[Crow.]
"Kneel before Chocula!" I call upon the forces of the Amulet to hold you! [Tom.]
Joel Grey? Fraksta! Ecktos! - [all.]
And the rest - Devronica! - [Crow.]
"My foot fell asleep!" - I can't move, Master! [Jonah.]
That's the least special effect ever.
The Amulet has powers to change your very atoms! Tyor, you must break its grip before we are transformed into demons or animals.
- [Tom.]
"Or Danimals!" - [Loki laughing.]
[Jonah.]
He stole Aquaman's shirt.
Look at that.
Death to Loki! [Crow.]
"But first, death to all of Loki's employees, associates, and Loki franchise licensees!" [Jonah.]
Not a lot of shots of Erman doing any actual fighting here.
- [Loki laughing.]
- [Tom.]
"I love to laugh!" Such grand statues! [Crow.]
"Mm, SkyMall quality!" I'm sure I could find places for you in my rock garden.
[Vanir.]
Now, hear this! - [Tom.]
"Orson?" - [Vanir.]
Hear me, Tyor.
Without you, all is lost.
[Crow.]
"[snorts.]
This is the operator.
To continue your inspirational exhortation, please deposit 75 cents.
Thank you.
[snorts.]
" [Vanir.]
Call upon fire to break the Amulet's power.
[Tom.]
"And call upon Earth and Wind to lay down a funky jam.
" Oonom, acuavi, tridas, sohm.
[Jonah.]
"Ah, my Shrinky Dink!" [Crow.]
So it's basically rock-paper-scissors.
Fire destroys amulet.
Amulet freezes legs.
Legs stomp out fire.
Yeah.
You will no longer breathe the air of a free man.
[Tom.]
Robert Blake in Lost Highway.
[Loki laughing.]
By the Amulet's power, I turn you into stone! [Jonah.]
He's making all this up as he goes along.
Oomen, kayai, tenk.
[Tom.]
"Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of Caroline in the City.
" [Jonah.]
All right, take him to Jabba.
Now his garden is complete.
[Crow.]
Yeah! CSI: Miami.
[Tom.]
They're not so much sword fighting as high-fiving with swords.
[Jonah.]
"Taste the wrath of my gentle nudging!" [Crow.]
Yeah, that's some office team-building exercise! Let's go see how Erman is doing.
Last time I saw him, he was doing pretty good.
[Jonah.]
Ew, gross.
[Tom.]
"Hey, lay off my Kurt Fuller statue.
" [all.]
That's our Erman! [Jonah.]
Beetlejuice? [Crow.]
Erman's the mouthwatering fusion of Guttenberg and Hasselhoff, created by a secret government project.
So the, uh, young wizard truly does have the power.
[Tom.]
He's got the power! What do you command of us, Tyor? [Jonah.]
Look, it's the cast of the all-dad production of Julius Caesar.
Who's taking care of those girls? - Forget it.
- [Tom.]
"Pervy Potter.
" We travel on tomorrow for Fennir.
[Jonah.]
My mom framed this shot.
[Crow.]
Hey, nice signage.
Lost Kingdom transportation department's doing good work.
[Tom.]
Finally, something from a badger's point of view.
[Jonah.]
Why is he wearing a little-league uniform? [Crow.]
This movie loves sliding down short inclines from easy heights.
[Tom.]
"Ugh, this is why I hate using Waze.
" [Crow.]
"Figured we'd pass an ATM at some point.
" Oonem, ayclavee, draytah, sohm.
[Jonah.]
"Turn into a bidet.
" Oonem, ayclavee, draytah, sohm.
[Tom.]
Well, uh, he's dropping a steamer.
Oonem, ayclavee Whoa, whoa! [Crow.]
"So that's why the doctor told me to lay off the pepperoni! Whoa! Do not go in there, and by 'in there, ' I mean 'outside.
'" [Jonah.]
"And now to finish the job over here" [Jonah grunts.]
[Tom.]
"Whoa, conjure a window so you can crack it open, will you?" [upbeat rock music.]
[Max.]
The Skeleton Crew is the house band for MST3K and are kept in suspended animation between shows.
We've chosen not to show you that because it's horrible.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
Oonem, ayclavee, draytah, sohm.
[Tom.]
Oh, way to rub it in, Tyor.
- I was about to do that.
- [Jonah.]
Sure.
I'm trying to save the forest from you.
Oh, if just one of Vanir's rams had lived, I would be spared you.
I like you, too, Caedmon.
[Crow.]
"You're like a ham-scented marshmallow.
" You're like the 70-year-old brother I never had.
[Jonah.]
Term you're looking for is "grandfather.
" [Caedmon laughs.]
[Crow.]
Now's your chance to drain his youth, Caedmon! [Tom.]
Or this is your opportunity to just ditch him.
[Jonah.]
You know, if it was modern times, they'd just be in a Wal-Mart parking lot in an RV right now.
[Crow.]
Okay, stop there, please.
Don't remove any more layers.
[Jonah.]
Ugh.
It's like getting covered in a mudroom floor mat.
[Tom.]
Uh, plenty of room all around the fire there, Caedmon or reverse-spoon, sure.
[Jonah.]
"So then it's all, 'Call me Gandalf the White, ' and he won't return my phone calls anymore! Typical.
" [Crow.]
Hark! A warrior, fresh from her stylist! [Tom.]
"I don't want her to see my lack of game!" [Jonah.]
"She'll never see me two feet off the ground.
" [Crow.]
You know, I question the practicality of her battle wear.
Ha! [Tom.]
Caedmon versus Lace, on American Gladiators! Stay, Amathea of Fennir! [Jonah.]
"Aka, Miss South Carolina!" Are you Donar's men? No, we're on our way to defeat Donar and his evil.
News had come from Baldar about a revolt led by a boy.
- A boy? - [Crow.]
"How insensitive!" I don't see a boy anywhere.
[Caedmon.]
Tyor's the last in the line of the good wizards.
His quest is to save the three kingdoms.
[Tom.]
"And strike out with every feather-haired blonde.
" And who are you, old man? He is Caedmon, last of the Nogg Order of the Lizards.
[Jonah.]
"I mean gizzards.
I mean" Wizards.
- [Jonah.]
"I mean Twizzlers.
" - [Tyor.]
You said your name was, uh I was Amathea of Fennir.
I've lived here since I was overthrown [Crow.]
"Mm, hair toss!" and Donar's soldiers burned our villages.
You can ride back with us to the city.
You mean you can come with me.
I am the chosen one.
Listen, short one, it may be your quest, but it's my kingdom.
[Jonah.]
You got burned, Jughead! [Amathea.]
I can do very well without wizards turning profit into poverty.
Well, wizards advise queens.
And queens give orders to wizards.
[Tom.]
"And then kid wizards make out with queens, right?" [chuckles awkwardly.]
- Can I carry your lance? - [Crow.]
"It's not a lance.
It's one of those novelty 'think big' pencils.
" [Jonah.]
"Oh! I-it's heavy.
Caedmon, why don't you carry this?" [Tom.]
"I'll call it 'Lance Stabstrong.
'" [Jonah.]
Finally, they all have accessories for when they do action figures! [Crow.]
Movie, I think we're ready for the next shot now.
[Tom.]
Yeah.
Aw, this is the same shot from the other side.
[Jonah.]
The Adventures of Warrior Princess, Teenager, and Blues Traveler! We've been walking all day.
Can't we stop and eat? Soon, if you'll stop your complaining.
He's not used to being around people.
He spends most of his time in a cave with the sheep.
That's why his feet smell so bad.
Well, what's your excuse, then? [Crow.]
"Uh, being 14!" - [chuckles.]
I was born on a bed of roses.
- [Caedmon.]
Ha! [Tom.]
"I cast an invocation of 'pity laugh.
'" [Jonah.]
Surprisingly thin line between "heroic quest" and "taking a stroll with your friends while they run some errands.
" [ominous music.]
[Crow.]
"Mr.
Robinson? You're trying to seduce us?" [Tom.]
Now, that's what I call a power posture.
[Jonah.]
"Well, my knees have it.
This is where we're stopping.
" [Crow.]
"2 p.
m.
Time for Caedmon's daily heart attack.
" [Tom.]
"Here we will found a new nation! 'Cause I'm not moving.
" Hey, there's no millet left.
What's to eat? Anything you can catch.
[Jonah.]
"Does lupus count?" Well, how about turning this stick into a sausage? Try it yourself.
[Tom.]
"You know I'm incompetent.
" Veelah, del, ringa! [Crow.]
Oh, boy, that's crazy, mixed-up Oh, it's just different food.
What is that? [Jonah.]
"It's a witch!" I don't know.
[dramatic music.]
Don't eat it! [Tom.]
"I'll put it in my daiquiri later.
" Throw it away.
[Crow.]
America's food-waste crisis.
It's passing strange.
[Jonah.]
That's phrasing odd.
Besides, don't worry.
We won't starve.
We can always eat Amathea's horse.
[Crow.]
"I've been taking little nips out of its haunches all morning.
" I'll find us something to eat.
[Tom.]
"Get me Lunchables, Mom!" Anything would be fine, Your Majesty.
[Jonah.]
"If it's Cool Ranch.
" But I do kind of have a weakness for wild boar.
[Crow.]
Can someone magically transform their hand into a fist and just punch him already? You better watch she doesn't run you straight through with an arrow, my lazy novice.
She's so beautiful, I wouldn't mind.
[Tom.]
Okay, let's make it happen.
[Crow.]
"Shh.
I'm hunting 'wabbits' in a 'wittle miniskiwt.
' Heh-heh-heh.
" [Jonah.]
It's like if the "Hunger Games" were set in the medieval '80s.
[Tom.]
An experienced director has the confidence to stay with the scene, even with a single shot, when the situation really calls for it.
[Crow.]
Amathea's hunting now, and the filmmaker wants us to understand that's a boring and laborious process.
[Jonah.]
She's not coming back, is she? [Tom.]
Soft-focus Rambo.
[Crow.]
A forest dog! [Jonah.]
"[gasps.]
Violins?" [suspenseful music.]
[Tom.]
It's a Sub-Zero family reunion.
[Crow.]
I don't know how, but I just know most of those guys are named Jared.
[Jonah.]
"Hmm.
No smelly wizards or handsy teens maybe they'll let me join their questing party.
" [Tom.]
You can tell By the way I use my walk I'm a henchman, no time for talk [Crow.]
"Chumps on stumps.
Let's bag 'em and tag 'em.
" - [hollow banging.]
- [Jonah.]
"Hello! McFly!" [man.]
Rise and shine, old barrel of pus.
I want to see you die with your eyes open.
[Tom.]
"That was the rudest awakening.
" Oh, please, kind sir.
[Crow.]
"Kill the child!" on the way to the city.
[man.]
Let's slit their throats and call it a day.
- [Crow.]
Sounds good.
- Max.
Ludwig.
- Here's the rope.
- On your feet.
- [horse neighing.]
- I'll find Amathea myself.
That's her horse.
[Crow.]
"I recognized its accent.
" She's close by.
Who said you're giving the orders now? [Jonah.]
"My epic chin dimple, that's who!" [Tom.]
"Prepare for my overhand!" [Crow.]
"Or how about my overhand!" [Jonah.]
"No? Well, try my overhand!" [all.]
"Overhand! Overhand!" [Tom.]
"You defeated my overhand, sir knight, but can you handle Psych! Overhand!" [Crow.]
Guys, maybe we could deal with this situation through some conflict-resolution exercises? [arrow whizzes, blow lands.]
[Jonah.]
Wait, what was that sound? Did someone slap him with an arrow? [Tom.]
Elfquest! [Jonah.]
Caedmon, avert your eyes, please.
[Crow.]
"Message for you, sir!" [Jonah.]
Not Sacha Baron Cohen! [Tom.]
"My wife" [Crow grunts wimpily.]
I probably should've left one more alive, just to be fair.
Shame we have to kill such a beauty.
Duty comes first.
[Jonah.]
Ah.
Sword tap.
You're out.
Thanks.
[Tom.]
I don't think that's an appropriate response to killing your coworker.
[Crow.]
Somewhere a cat is walking on a synthesizer.
[Tom.]
Uh, Caedmon, the fight's over this way.
[Jonah.]
Okay, so it's not the greatest fight scene ever, but you really got to give them credit.
This was made in the days before talent or staging.
[Crow.]
"Bad news, guys.
I have a taste for blood now.
" [Tom.]
Oh, they were just Velcro'd to that tree? - Shall we go? - Let's.
[Jonah.]
Ooh, they're crossing into a new ecosystem.
[Tom.]
Each lost kingdom has its own unique microclimate.
[Crow.]
"Welcome to the Leafy Boy oxygen bar.
We've got farm breeze, buttermilk sword resin, and robe-cluster wind-gust varieties.
" [Tom.]
"I bow to you, great queen.
I Oh, hi.
[chuckles.]
" [Jonah.]
Oh, nice.
Her secret forest base has valet service.
[Tom.]
"Hey, hurry up.
We're getting tired of holding these door vines for yous.
" We can follow these caves to where they connect with the tunnels beneath the city.
[Tyor.]
After you, Master.
Follow us, Pembert.
Why the sudden courtesy, huh? Because I'm afraid of bats.
They'll attack you first, and then I can duck.
[Jonah.]
When in a dark cave, keep your torchbearer way behind you.
[Tom.]
"Ja, we got a real bad gopher problem.
" [Crow.]
"Oh, ja.
We're using these sonic spikes.
It doesn't hurt 'em.
Just makes 'em go away.
" [Jonah.]
"Ja, but hold on to the receipt, though, just in case we got to return them.
Then we can get back to saving the kingdom.
" I'm going up into the square to see how many of my warriors are still alive.
- Alive? - [Crow.]
"Or Memorex?" Donar uses them as gladiators for his bloody sport.
[Jonah.]
"Hockey.
" You better get some sleep.
[Crow.]
"You look like crap.
" Verbol and Ginghorn will take you to the pool.
Thank you.
[Tom.]
"She touched me!" [Jonah.]
All right, off to the pool, guys.
Let's go.
How do I sleep in a crummy cave like this? [Tom.]
Practice! Ha ha.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
Jonah, I'm confused.
Is this movie supposed to be funny? What are you talking about? It is funny.
What? Oh, that's right.
You guys are too young to remember the wizard-comedy craze of the '80s yeah, before the Internet came along and nobody had time for magic-based humor anymore.
I find that so incredibly hard to believe.
- What? - I'm just shocked to learn things happened before I was born.
Well, here, this is the classic pop-up book You Might Be a Crummy Wizard If - Mm.
- By the greatest wizard comedy star, Caedmon Worth-a-Fox.
He was the founder of the Blue Cauldron Comedy Tour.
Here, take a look.
This is one of my favorites.
"If you're constantly out-magicked by your goofy tween ward, ya might be a crummy wizard.
" Ha! All right.
Here's another one.
"If, on your epic journey, it never once occurs to you to conjure a means of transportation, ya might be a crummy wizard.
" Ha ha ha! See? This is it's funny.
Okay, okay.
"If your wizard hat is smaller than your head, you might be a crummy wizard.
" [laughs.]
"If your cauldron is a converted rice maker you accidentally broke" [all.]
You might be a crummy wizard! [squealing.]
"If you use pig Latin for your incantations because it sounds fancier" [all.]
You might be a crummy wizard! "If everyone says, 'Man, that's a crummy wizard, ' when they see you" [all.]
You might be a crummy wizard! So it just it just keeps going like that? Oh, yeah, there's tons of 'em.
We got Oh, we got movie sign! [Tom.]
Movie sign! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
Gulfax! No! [Crow.]
They skinned him! [Vanir.]
Tyor [Tom.]
"Breakfast is ready.
" [Vanir.]
Tyor [Jonah.]
"You left the fondue on.
" [Vanir.]
Awake.
[Tom.]
It's not a wizard movie without some bubbling water.
[Crow.]
"Mm, let me just summon a snooze button.
" [water bubbling.]
[Vanir.]
Don't be afraid, Tyor.
[Jonah.]
"I'm just Skyping in.
" [Vanir.]
It is I, your master.
Yes, Great Lord.
You have come far, but the road becomes more treacherous as you go on.
You've commanded the elements.
[Crow.]
"Earth.
Air.
Poultry.
" [Vanir.]
You must command yourself.
- I will try.
- [Tom.]
"Uh" [Vanir.]
You will go now into the castle alone in the test of the heart.
[Tom.]
"Got to go now.
I'm getting all pruney.
" Caedmon, wake up.
Oh, Amathea.
Do with me what you will.
[Crow.]
"A-a restraining order?" - [Jonah.]
"Huh? What year is it?" - What is it, Tyor? Vanir has told me to go into the castle alone.
Go find Amathea.
She'll show you the way in.
Go on.
[Tom.]
"But first, hand me my sleep-apnea mask.
" [Jonah.]
Ah, still can't run.
Fogurt? Get word to the gladiators to wait for my signal.
[Crow.]
An elite Nativity squad.
We'll hold off the attack to see if the young wizard can get the sword.
I'm going for the sword now.
[Tom.]
"The hot tub told me to.
" Get these weapons to the townspeople.
Hurry! [Jonah.]
"First one to deliver all their weapons gets to pick the theme for next month's party!" [Tom.]
"No time to change into my battle halter.
I'll have to make do with my costume for the cave community theater production of Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
" [Crow.]
Hmm.
Rapunzel's last hair.
We'll wait for you.
Good luck.
[Jonah.]
So the test of the heart is basically gym class.
[Crow.]
Her clothes say "medieval peasant," but her hair says, "I'm going to a Whitesnake concert!" [Tom.]
Orson Welles in The Third Man.
[Jonah.]
Lucky for him, this dungeon has central air.
[Crow.]
First thing I'd do if I owned a castle put padlocks on the human-sized grates that clearly lead somewhere else.
[Tom.]
"No one told me wizarding was gonna involve upper-body strength!" [Jonah.]
Well, even if he doesn't reunite the powers of creation, he completed the Presidential Physical Fitness Test.
[distant banging.]
[Crow.]
Ah, sounds like the dryer's off-balance again.
[Jonah.]
Oh, gosh.
I know this feeling.
Waking up in the middle of the night at a sleepover and trying to find the bathroom in a strange house, and then you can't find it, so you end up peeing in the closet, and they all know it was you, and, you know, we've all been there.
- [Crow.]
Nope.
- [Tom.]
Not at all.
[Jonah.]
What? [Freyja.]
Come in, little man.
Come in.
[Crow.]
"My parents wanted me to ask you if you could turn down your Ravi Shankar music?" [Tom.]
The least effective mosquito netting.
[Jonah.]
"Let's not think about how creepy everyone would find this if our genders were reversed.
" [Crow.]
"Welcome to Hot Topic.
" Uh, I must have the wrong room.
Give me your hand.
[Tom.]
"Okay, but it's really sweaty.
" [Jonah.]
She is really rocking that face chandelier.
[mysterious music.]
I was looking for the kitchen.
No, you were looking for the sword, and I was looking for you.
Have we ever met before? Were you ever a hostage in Baldar? I'm Freyja, Tyor.
I knew you would come here.
[Tom.]
"You checked in on Foursquare.
" [Tyor.]
You couldn't have.
I mean, I didn't know.
[Crow.]
"Mm, shut up.
" Smell the black rose, and become a man.
- [Jonah.]
Worst innuendo ever.
- It smells like garlic.
Don't toy with me, young wizard.
I have what you need.
[Tom.]
But you say I'm just a friend You won't get it from Donar.
Only I can give it to you.
- [tambourine rattles.]
- [Crow.]
Tambourine! - With it, we can rule together.
- Just you and me? I mean, doesn't [Jonah.]
"Just whir whub zuzzle" [Tom.]
"First base gotten to.
" You have the Amulet? I can get the sword.
We don't really need anyone else but us, do we? - Well, what did you have in mind, Freyja? - Stay with me.
[Crow.]
"Split the rent and utilities.
" Your quest was doomed from the very beginning.
- [Crow.]
Oh, yeah.
- [Jonah.]
You got that right.
[Tom.]
Okay.
I can show you the great power that the darkness holds.
[Tom.]
"Does that mean we can, like, hold hands in public and stuff?" I'll do anything you ask, Tyor.
[voice squeaking.]
Anything? W-w-what do you mean, "anything," Freyja? [Crow.]
"Uh, can you make my voice stop squeaking like an old sofa?" [Jonah.]
"Nice lady, with the leather and the touching and the lap and the making me lose control of my leg!" Sothelo shoong see.
You are in my power.
[Jonah.]
"A-yup!" You will give me the Amulet.
[Crow.]
"And all your pogs!" Of course.
[Freyja chuckles menacingly.]
Ah, the Amulet.
So beautiful.
[Tom.]
"And it's exclusive to QVC viewers for a limited time!" I am finished with you now, young wizard.
[Crow.]
"Oh, best bar mitzvah ever!" Put this in your chest.
[Jonah.]
"And save it for a rainy day.
" [chuckling.]
[Vanir.]
Stop, Tyor! You've let her trick you with your heart.
You can break this spell by rejecting her evil.
Now! Do it now! [Tom.]
"While this offer lasts!" No, you tricky devil, you.
Show me where the sword is, or I'll skewer you like you've never been skewered before.
- [Jonah.]
"Skoo-ered"? - Give me the Amulet.
You are so gauche.
[Crow.]
"I ain't afraid of no gauche!" Sonny boy, you'll never know what you missed.
I have a pretty good idea.
[Tom.]
The threat of the knife is really diminished by the man-purse.
[Crow.]
Honestly, Tyor passing that test is the least believable thing in the movie so far.
Come on.
Let's go.
[Jonah.]
"Don't rush me.
There's a speed limit for this outfit.
" [Crow.]
Can you just move like a human, kid? Just once? [all.]
Weird science Don't you love me just a little bit? Yeah, but that's beside the point.
[Tom.]
A puppy with a squeaky toy is more threatening than this kid.
[Jonah.]
Eh, it's not a complete disaster.
They made it to the Olive Garden.
[Tom.]
Each of those silver leaves bears the name of a donor to the Historic Sword Visitors Center.
[Jonah.]
It's contributions like theirs that keep the sword exhibit open for the enjoyment and edification of young people like Tyor.
[Crow.]
Of course, technically, that's just a display replica.
The original sword is in the archives, where it can be studied by sword specialists.
[Tom.]
Those are fruits the public can never taste.
[Jonah.]
"I can give myself an amazing haircut with this!" [Crow.]
"Aw, dude, no way this is fitting in my purse.
" [Tom.]
Whoops! Stab.
- [Jonah.]
Blood.
Dead.
- [Crow.]
Roll credits.
As it is written, one cannot win them all.
[Tom.]
"All done?" Hey, you! [Jonah.]
"Alvy Singer!" Give me that sword.
[Crow.]
Kid, do what Howie Mandel says! It's no use to one so young.
[Tom.]
He assembled his wardrobe out of Cher's garbage.
I'll teach you how to use its powers.
I already have a teacher! [Jonah.]
"Straight up, though, you're way cooler than him.
" Take him.
[Tom.]
"To a barber and see if they can fix that mess.
" [Crow.]
How are they so weak? Have their muscles atrophied from living in space or something? After him, you clowns! [Jonah.]
Oh, like making fun of them and making 'em feel bad is gonna make 'em do a better job.
Come on! [Crow.]
"I picked the wrong week to stop sacrificing to Ba'al.
" I have to warn Zarz.
[Tom.]
"The warning goes like this: Hey, now, you're an all-Zarz Get your game on, get paid Who gave him the sword? [Jonah.]
"And where's your hall pass?" - You die with the dawn.
- He had a knife at my neck.
I made no promises.
I said I'd try.
Now leave me alone.
I have a horrible headache.
[Crow.]
We all do.
Trust us.
- [all.]
Oh! Boo! - [Jonah.]
Come on! Now you have a headache.
[laughs.]
[Crow.]
Aw, man.
I really wanted to like this villain.
I mean, he is a crow.
[Jonah.]
It's like he's a living Andrew Dice Clay joke.
Churl! I'm moving to a new bed.
[lively orchestral music.]
[Tom.]
Well, we've wandered into a Scooby-Doo chase scene.
[Jonah.]
"Which way did he go, George? Which way did he go?" [Crow.]
What makes this castle such a great deal is none of this chase space counts towards the listed square footage.
[Jonah.]
Oh, he found the place the TV's gonna go.
[Crow.]
Crap! He saw his shadow.
Six more weeks of this movie.
[Tom.]
"Unh! Ungh-guh! Ugh!" [Jonah.]
And as always, a cloud of Doritos dust follows him.
[Tom.]
Too bad he hasn't learned the spell for "mad ups.
" [Crow.]
"I'll pretend I didn't see you!" [Tom.]
Eh, I'm gonna help him.
Here we go.
Ho! Hup! Sword coming your way.
[Crow.]
And that's how you stage a chase sequence in a foyer.
[Jonah.]
I appreciate he's holding a sharp object in a safe way.
- [Crow.]
"Invisible cat!" - [Tom.]
Meow! [Jonah.]
"Oh, we call 'do-over, ' kid! Come on! Come back! Let's do a do-over!" [all.]
Hut.
Hut.
Hut.
Hut.
Hut.
Hut.
Hut.
Hut.
Hut.
Hut.
[drumsticks clicking.]
[Max.]
All right! Tyor finally found the magic sword, so we've got to be almost done with this.
Let's just be thankful Wizards of the Lost Kingdom isn't a trilogy.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Crow.]
"Clomp.
Clomp.
Clomp I'm stealthy!" [Tyor.]
Uh, hey! He went that way! [Tom.]
"Thanks, Italo Calvino's Nonexistent Knight!" [Jonah.]
How'd Tyor get the robot's access codes? [Crow.]
Oh, the Chilean miners are saved! [Tom.]
"For the honor of Grayskull, I am She-Ra!" - [Jonah.]
"Ow! My coccyx!" - [Tom laughs.]
Well done, Tyor.
My people will follow you into battle.
- [Crow.]
"Wrap this to go.
" - We attack at dawn.
[Tom.]
"Actually, make it a quarter to dawn.
" No, they'll follow you.
The sword will defeat all before it.
[Jonah.]
"And it's got a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time.
" [peasants murmuring.]
You got to trust anybody that beautiful.
You have much to learn, my son.
[Tom.]
City defenses courtesy of Home Depot.
[Crow.]
Lattice, begin the attack! [Jonah.]
No! [Tom.]
Who says you can't make lingerie out of key chains? You and the gladiators wait for my signal.
[Crow.]
"So come up now, brah?" [Jonah.]
"I said, 'Wait for my signal, Cory!'" - [Crow.]
"Oh, okay, I'm coming.
" - [Jonah.]
"No ugh, forget it.
" [Tom.]
Nigel Tufnel? They got all of Spinal Tap down there! [Crow.]
"Welcome, one and all! As we serve dinner, do not be dismayed.
There were no utensils in medieval times.
Hence, there are no utensils at Medieval Times! Also, we only have Pepsi, no Coke.
Sorry.
" [Jonah.]
Khaleesi! [Tom.]
Wait, did she change clothes again, or is that a different blonde person? [Crow.]
I'm I'm not sure.
[Jonah.]
"Wait, no, hang on.
Stop clapping.
They're not ready.
It's just the sound guy.
Okay.
" [Crow.]
Aw, it's sad when a movie has to applaud itself.
[Tom.]
Pitiful.
[Jonah.]
All right, ladies! Get ready for the Thunder From Down Under! [Crow.]
Donar's kingdom is surprisingly supportive for Pride Week.
Now! [Tom.]
And the girl at the back Said "everyone attack" [all.]
And it turned Into a ballroom blitz [Jonah.]
So it's gladiators versus guards versus wizards versus Maccabees? [Crow.]
Commedia del arte performers armed with big salamis? - [Tom.]
A farmers army! - [Crow.]
Here comes the "farmy"! [Jonah.]
The foolish thing is all of Donar's initiatives were on the November ballot, so if they'd just mobilized their voter base, they wouldn't have to have this whole battle.
[Crow.]
Yeah, but I like the battle.
[Tom.]
"Whee.
" [Crow.]
"Okay, now you do me.
" [Jonah.]
I'm starting to think this might be footage from another movie.
[Crow.]
Why? Because our actual protagonists are nowhere to be found and Amathea's wearing different clothes? [Tom.]
Red Skelton, no! I will sacrifice you [Jonah.]
Meanwhile, in couples therapy to the evil that will soon cover everything.
[Crow.]
Walmart? Can we talk this over? I mean, besides that little thing with the sword, I really have a pretty good record.
- Silence! - All right.
There was that time with your nephew, but he told me he was an Eedockian slaver.
- [Donar groaning.]
- [Tom.]
These two! The Sam and Diane of the Dark Ages! [all.]
"Surprise! Happy birthday!" [Jonah.]
"Seacrest out!" I thought I saw Donar.
Did you see Donar? That old crow flew the coop.
He almost killed me 'cause of my loyalty to you, Amathea.
Well, it looks like I got here too soon.
- [Crow.]
Meow! - Verily.
[Tom.]
"[chuckles.]
Righteous.
" Your sword, wizard.
[Crow.]
"Thank you, Queen Caesars Palace Cocktail Waitress.
" I'll need this in the next kingdom.
[Jonah.]
Donar tied her up with garden hose? Come.
Let's celebrate.
Celebration is for your people.
We must hurry on to Eedok.
Donar flies to warn Zarz.
Take me with you! [Tom.]
"I don't care where we go! I don't care what we do!" Take me with you! [Jonah.]
Patrick Dempsey is Loverwizard.
[mysterious music.]
Well, if I take you with me, what do I get? Anything.
[Tom.]
"Can I keep these cool rubber snakes?" - That's what I was afraid of.
- [discordant brass music.]
[Jonah.]
"The band is illustrating my sexual confusion.
" [Crow.]
Ah, come on, Jonah.
This is such a beautiful day.
Let's play some catch.
[Jonah.]
Well, okay.
Let's do it.
- Go get it, Crow! - [Crow barking.]
- Attaboy.
Now bring it back! - [Crow panting.]
- [chuckles.]
That's a good Crow.
- [Crow.]
Check this out.
Crow! Crow! Crow! Crow! Crow! Crow! Crow! Crow! Like a Pokémon, I said my own name.
[Jonah laughs.]
- Hi, Crow.
Hi.
- Tom, do you want to play? [Tom.]
Nah, I don't need to.
I'm already kind of like a Frisbee.
[Jonah.]
Oh, yeah, right, with the thing.
most powerful wizards, until the evil captured his heart.
[Tom.]
"We were supposed to have a big showdown on the lava planet, but I fell asleep.
" Come out of there, if you dare! - [Crow.]
"Who took my pants?" - [Caedmon laughs.]
So your young wizard has become a warrior now.
You came to join us? - Well, no, not really.
- I'll say.
[Jonah.]
"Quiet, Jessie Spano.
" Well, the old goat and his kid.
You planned this, didn't you? Silence, Idun.
You're trying my patience.
That's a laugh.
I'm trying his patience [Caedmon.]
Where are you going? [Dark One.]
We're on our way to Baldar to look for work.
[Tom.]
Caedmon seems genuinely troubled that their bar went out of business.
[Crow.]
"Come on.
We need to reach those cardboard cutouts by nightfall.
" [Jonah.]
Mordor's a lot less scary in the offseason.
[Crow.]
Medieval set dressing put some hay on it! [Tom.]
Samurai Manos? Whew.
[Jonah.]
"You guys smash these pots in case they have rupees or hearts.
" [Dark One.]
Zarz and the man have taken control of the well, and they're keeping the people thirsty.
We're gonna need their help if we're gonna overthrow these scum wizards.
Uh, no offense intended.
[breathing heavily.]
None none taken.
Uh, what's your plan? [Crow.]
"Does it involve sitting down?" Free the well and get captured.
What kind of plan is that? Does anybody remember the Protector? [Tom.]
"Get out of our B-roll from another movie! You heard me! Get! Come on! Get out!" Down there in a dungeon someplace ready to be released in case of any threat or disobedience.
[Tom.]
"Like a roided-out Roomba.
" I'll skewer him.
Yeah, like you skewered Freyja.
[Crow, goofily.]
"I'll skoo-er all of you.
" Listen, kid this monster has eaten almost every great hero of the archipelago.
[Tom.]
Of the a capella group? Now, if we're gonna succeed with this rebellion [Jonah.]
Carradine has Ralph Wiggum hair.
I'm gonna have to kill him.
[Crow.]
"Old Caedmon's in this scene, too, guys.
" - Tyor? - [Tom.]
"We're family now.
" - I'm gonna need your help.
- [Jonah.]
"Which shames me.
" I got to have your magic to keep Zarz from using his power against the people.
[Crow.]
"I'll use bananas, chickens my whole arsenal!" Oh, and, uh, I'll take care of the soldiers.
[Tom.]
"Old man, you can curl up and die.
" - Don't look so worried, kid.
- [Jonah.]
"My arm!" You're doing great.
And I'm just getting started.
- [Crow.]
"My tassle!" - [Tom.]
"My baby teeth!" Remember to stick and move, honey, all right? Footwork is half of it, you know.
[both chuckle.]
[Crow.]
"Oh, yeah.
I get it.
I really do.
" Now, listen you stay here.
Mm.
[Jonah.]
I'm always stuck behind these two in a line at Six Flags.
Wish me luck.
I'm gonna need it.
[Tom.]
Classic Caedmon, always with his rosary.
[Jonah imitating The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly theme.]
Whee-ooh-whee-ooh Wah-wah-wah! I'm gonna cut you in half.
[Crow.]
"What's in your wallet?" [Tom.]
Quick.
Distract him with your yummy thighs.
We're conspicuous here.
[Jonah.]
Yeah.
Everyone's watching you and not the big sword fight.
The party travels with you, Caedmon.
[Tom.]
"Little lions, whisper all your secrets to us.
" [Crow.]
"It's not that I didn't love being in the restaurant business.
Don't get me wrong Whoa, watch that thing.
It's just so hard to find a good staff, and the hours suck, and when you kill a few customers, suddenly the business just dries up!" I'm going inside with you.
[singsong voice.]
He won't like it.
You think I care? He can't order me around.
Come on.
I know a way in and three ways out.
[Tom.]
You're barking up the wrong tree, Tyor.
They have a real relationship, one based on jealousy and challenges.
[Jonah.]
Wow.
You could put this man in a Subway sandwich costume, and he'd still be dripping with cool.
[Crow.]
"Now I'll throw in a penny and wish for a new restaurant situation.
" [Jonah.]
Tusken raiders! [Tom.]
"Freedom! Now all may bob for apples!" [Crow.]
Whoo! Wet burlap contest! Glug-glug-glug-glug.
[Jonah.]
You know, this is similar to a plot point in Mad Max: Fury Road, so in a way, this movie was nominated for Best Picture.
[Tom.]
"Oh, man! You guys are going as Bane for Halloween, too? Sweet!" We villagers thank you, Dark One! [Crow.]
"You're very welcome, Rick Moranis!" [Tom.]
Quick, before Nestle can buy all the water! [Jonah.]
Great.
Nobody's following proper water-sanitation procedure, and now the whole village is gonna have cholera.
Hut, two! Hut, two! [Crow.]
"Thanks for the Tempurpedic memory foam armor, Mom!" - [guard.]
Surrender! - Oh, yeah? - You're outnumbered, knave! - Ha! Your sword! Ha! [Tom.]
"Hoo! Somebody stop me!" [Crow.]
He's outnumbered.
And out-pantsed.
[guard.]
Sorry [Jonah.]
I can't even begin to guess who said that.
[Crow.]
"Consider yourself a prisoner of the Hanes sweatpants warriors!" [Tom humming goofy tune.]
[Jonah.]
I don't know But I've been told [Tom and Crow.]
I don't know, but I've been told [Jonah.]
Comic-Con's been oversold [Tom and Crow.]
Comic-Con's been oversold [Crow.]
These guys are the most professional and least professional soldiers I've ever seen.
[Tom.]
"My tickle chair is fun!" [Zarz laughing loudly.]
[Jonah.]
Remember when this movie was about wizards? Ragged warrior, prepare to die.
Hey, I've been prepared for years.
What about you? [general.]
Let me slice him open and gut him, Master.
[Crow.]
Aren't those kind of the same thing? Touchy, isn't he? - Silence, you fool! - [Tom.]
"Take this seriously!" These are your last few breaths before you meet the Protector.
Oh, the Protector, huh? Well, who's protecting you? - [Jonah.]
"Life Alert.
" - Laugh while you can.
Throw him in with my friend.
Is she cute? [guard.]
Move.
March! All right! [Crow.]
"What could I do? You guys saw it.
He had a snappy comeback for everything!" [Tom.]
How do you deal with someone that sarcastic? It's like he's afraid to feel anything real.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
Jonah, do you feel like the Mads have been shortening our segments? Oh, why would you say that We're two-thirds through the season.
How are we not winning our time slot? That doesn't really apply, my iron lady.
We're we're on-demand streaming, not appointment viewing, what with audience diffusion and content shrapnelization in in the attention economy.
Why did TV get so complicated? [Klaxon dinging.]
- Oh.
- There's a ship in local space.
Oh! Yeah, blow it up! That'll make me feel better.
[Max.]
It's your Grandma Pearl! [Kinga gasps.]
Oh! Hey! Brain Guy, you said our cloaking technology was beyond their capabilities.
Well, obviously, I was wrong.
So you'll have to experience the agony of talking to your granddaughter.
Hello, TV's Son of TV's Frank! Hair still full of nummy parasites? Oh, you know it! You'll have to groom me in person someday, Professor Bobo, as long as you don't bite off my face.
I've learned not to promise that.
[chuckles.]
Okay, yay, enough second-banana banter.
Max, go away.
Grandma Pearl, I need advice.
Uh, legally change your name every month, and red beans is the best side at Popeye's.
That's all I got.
Headin' out! Uh, Kinga, why do you even want advice from someone who spends all her time in a stinky minibus with a stinky monkey man.
- Yeah, that sounds disgu Hey! - [chuckles.]
I just want to have it all a death grip on the television industry and a family.
I tried that when I went into business with your father, but he turned into a star baby, and it all fell apart.
You can't have it all.
[sighs.]
No.
You're wrong, Grandma.
I can do it.
I'll start my own family, and I'll make it the biggest ratings stunt of all time a splashy, star-studded spectacular, starring me as the thing America loves most a defiant working woman brought low by her most devious nemesis [thunder crackles.]
the human heart.
[all.]
You mean [Kinga.]
That's right.
Kinga Forrester is getting married.
- Oh! - To who, Kinga? - Not Max! - No.
Rule number one never marry a henchman.
That'd be like me marrying these bozos, though we have had a lot of awfully happy years together.
[all laugh.]
Well, I don't know the robots? One of 'em? That's still not legal.
And they call this the not-too-distant future.
And the subject of your experiment? J-Jonah? He's just some big hairy oaf.
But wait, a beautiful, sarcastic woman married to a big oaf.
Oh, whoa! That is TV gold! Yes! Okay.
Grandma, will you do me the honor of giving me away at my cynical ratings-stunt wedding? No way.
I appreciate the depravity of your motives, but our schedule is packed.
You don't need me.
You've got my clone, Synthia.
Eh.
I am filled with all the proper emotions for such an occasion.
- Mm, nah.
- Yeah.
Okay, just No, just get off.
- Yeah.
- Get She really isn't the same, Gr All right.
Well, it's not the way I always imagined my betrothal.
For one thing, it's not a New Kid on the Block.
But the die has been cast.
I will feed the viewing public its guiltiest pleasure, and when that bloated beast is sated to incapacity, I shall strike! For when a wedding they do see, this Kinga then a Queen shall be! Ha ha ha! Synthia! Set the TiVo for Say Yes to the Dress.
[thunder crackles.]
Oh.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! [doors clanking and whirring.]
Where will we find this boy wizard? He is a young, impetuous idealist.
[Jonah.]
"Like Lena Dunham.
" He rushes to us to his doom.
[Crow.]
"Let's watch it on my nanny cam.
" [all laughing.]
[Tom.]
Here comes the dream team! [sneaky string music.]
[Jonah.]
Pringles can plus paint equals wrist armor.
- [Crow.]
"Prepare loogies.
" - [whispering.]
Stay down.
[Tom.]
This is the same way she got backstage at that Aerosmith concert.
[Southern accent.]
Excuse me.
[Jonah.]
She's Southern now? Excuse me, sir.
[Crow.]
Cyberman! [Idun.]
Could you help me down, please? Sure.
I'm dancing here tonight.
Are you coming to the show? [soldier.]
S-show? [Tom.]
You think she and the Dark One first bonded over their dislike of pants? What show? [Jonah.]
"Hey, did you ever see Blade Runner?" [Crow.]
"I'm supposed to be a statue! You're making me break character by killing me!" [Tom.]
And she shall be renowned in legend as the Thigh Master.
[Jonah.]
She just murdered a mime.
[Crow.]
And our heroes are delighted! [Tom.]
Now, this is a castle hallway we definitely haven't seen before.
[Jonah.]
Uh, dude, I think you lost your guys.
[Tom.]
This is why you don't let guards design their own uniforms.
Now! [Jonah.]
A workaholic! [chuckles.]
[Tom.]
Would you wear pants if you didn't have to, Jonah? Which, uh, you do have to, by the way.
[Crow.]
Dear God, yes.
Keep your pants on, Jonah.
What is with you? [Tom.]
Yeah, does that turn you on, weirdo? All right, come on! [Jonah.]
That's Mudflap, the cocky joker of the guards.
[guard groans.]
Sorry.
[Tom.]
"Sorry"? Dark One, I understand that killing is your trade, but you are ending a human life here.
[Donar.]
But I was a good tyrant.
- [Crow.]
"Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.
" - [Donar.]
A benign despot.
[Zarz.]
And a stupid incompetent.
[Jonah.]
"Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee.
" [Tom.]
"Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
" [Zarz.]
lying in the chapel like a gourd of drammel for anyone to take? [Crow.]
"Drammel?" I didn't think I had any enemies.
[Tom.]
"Stupid, Donar, stupid!" [percussive music.]
[Jonah.]
Hey, guards, this is kind of your moment.
You gonna do anything or just see how this plays out? Guards? Surrender the Chalice of Magic, and I'll let you go free, Zarz.
- [laughing.]
- [Crow.]
"Oh, that's my funny friend!" And you told me he had no sense of humor.
[Tom.]
"Which, as a leopard man in a bat hat, I appreciate!" Step forward, lad.
I'd like to see you up close before you die.
Oh, I'll show you the Chalice.
Considering how far you've come, only to fail, it's the least I can do.
I want to see my husband, you swine! Too late.
I'm afraid he's dead.
"I can't believe I quit the Bangles for this!" [Tom imitates referee whistle.]
Traveling! Aren't you afraid you're too weak to defeat me? Even with the Sword and the Amulet? Do you know how to use their power? [Crow.]
"Kind of!" Coomen, ahm, asseblah.
[Tom.]
Aced it! Roll credits.
[Jonah.]
"You gonna eat that?" [Tom.]
"How you like me now?" [Crow.]
"Ha ha ha! We're all gonna die.
" [Jonah.]
"Man, could they put the restroom any further away?" [Tom.]
"Sir, what are you doing backstage? Take your seat, sir.
War Horse is starting.
" [Crow.]
"My apologies, madam.
" [Jonah.]
A whole cache of weapons right there, and he goes with a knee to the groin.
[Tom.]
Two weeks later This tastes pretty good.
[Crow.]
"Couple more bites, then back to fighting Rommel's Afrika Korps.
" [Jonah.]
Nice Krampus throne.
[Crow.]
This is why you shouldn't let your guards drink Benadryl on the job.
[Tom.]
I'm forming a Stockholm Syndrome-type relationship with David Carradine's legs.
[Jonah.]
Any wizards want to jump in? No? [Crow.]
"Now, you guys will speed this up in post so it looks like we're really fighting, right?" [Tom.]
Are they in a Halloween Spirit store? [Jonah.]
Nancy Kerrigan to the rescue! [Dark One.]
You do what I told you! You stay right here this time! I'll be right back! [Crow.]
A strong relationship is built on clear communication and a shared bloodlust.
[Jonah.]
So wizards not defending themselves.
Dancer into the fray.
[Tom.]
Chef Boyardee? [Dark One.]
God, I love you.
I love you, too, honey.
[Dark One.]
Die! [Crow.]
Was the Dark One saving them or just passing through? [Tom.]
"Don't look at me.
I was busy eating chicken.
" [Donar laughs loudly.]
[Jonah.]
"I'm lovin' it.
" I didn't see you helping out with your Sword of Justice.
He has no weapon, Tyor, and he knows that if you even embrace the thought of killing him, you will become evil and join him and not kill him.
- Get it? - [Crow.]
"Yeah, I get it.
It's like Star Wars, right? All you had to tell me was it was like Star Wars.
" Listen to the words of a dead fool, and you will soon join him, Tyor.
Listen to me, and you'll live.
Remember the quest.
[Tom.]
"Because I've forgotten what we're doing, seriously.
" [Crow.]
Hugh Jackman from Pan? Now I've got to kill you.
No! No! [Jonah.]
He is the weirdest Key & Peele character, by far.
You're a bright boy.
You know that you can never win against us.
But join with us.
Together, we can rule the three kingdoms.
[Tom.]
"We'll make Silly Hat Day mandatory.
" Give me the sword.
You know it belongs to me.
[Crow.]
"I wrote my name on it.
" You have no use for it now.
[orchestral fanfare.]
[Jonah.]
"Oh.
That's my ringtone.
" [Tom.]
"Guys, it's a beautiful day out.
We're missing it.
" The peasants are starting to gather at the well, Master.
So deal with it! [Crow.]
Every one of these villains is a retired bad-guy wrestler who shows up at matches just to trash-talk the new wrestlers who still work.
[Jonah.]
Who knew epic fantasy involved so much time-killing? [Crow.]
Real diminishing returns on these Dark One entrances, I tell you.
Give me the sword, boy.
I got a lot more work to do.
[Tom.]
"And I lost mine.
Too much acid over the years.
Let that be a lesson to you.
" - Careful.
- [Crow.]
I'm yawning, too, statue.
You look absolutely devastating.
Go get 'em, sweetie.
[Crow.]
"No kiss for me, the statue?" Wait up for me! Yah! [Jonah.]
Whoa, he turned into Tony Manero! [Crow.]
And First Act Warrior returns to the field of battle! [Jonah.]
What do you think he's been doing this whole time? [Tom.]
I assume frantically calling his agent to get out of this movie.
[Crow.]
Now, that's a runway moment.
[Tom.]
Think about it, Mr.
Carradine.
If you wore pants, you'd have even more pockets to put knives in.
[Jonah.]
The jawa body count in this movie is insane.
[Crow.]
I'll say this that castle set looks like it'd just be an awesome place to run around and play mini golf.
[Tom.]
Oh, yeah.
Set up camp.
Do some barbecuing.
Don't, Tyor.
This is a test of the soul.
Zarz would have you join his evil by killing this helpless prisoner.
- Don't you understand? - [Jonah.]
"Dum-dum?" [Vanir.]
The darkness threatens to engulf you! [Tom.]
"With musical guest Men at Work! And your host, Steve Martin!" [Zarz.]
Tyor.
This is your destiny with Vanir.
[Jonah.]
Say your prayers, little one Don't forget, my son, to Your death draws closer while you fight the inevitable.
[Tom.]
This is not that easy.
It's like fighting an army of Michael Myerseses.
[Crow.]
"That table should break my Ooh!" Amathea! [Jonah.]
"O'Doyle rules!" [Tom.]
All this fighting is just getting in the way of time I should spend coming up with new specialty drinks, like drammel and sweet vermouth with a twist of lemon.
I'll call it the Three Kingdoms Mule! [Crow.]
Or what about drammel with ginger ale and rum, and we call it a Dark and Stormy One? [Jonah.]
"I should be writing this ugh down!" [Tom.]
It's vapor action! Come on, kid.
Do it! Unless you think you're too good to be evil.
[Crow.]
"Or too hip to be square.
" Give me the Amulet.
Tyor, in his hands the chalice can lie.
Wake up, or they'll kill you.
- Be strong.
- Be still! [Jonah.]
Why is Donar dressed like a skeksis? [Tom.]
He's bringing skeksi back.
Yeah! Tyor [drumsticks clicking.]
[Max.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: 29 years old and loving every minute of it.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
It's mine.
[Crow.]
Why are you hiding? The villains know you're in the room.
You were just talking to them.
[Jonah.]
"Stay still.
Wizards' eyesight is based on movement.
" Who is the greatest villain of all now, Donar? I should be able to wear that half the time.
Then I should be able to wear your sword.
You have the Chalice.
But the general ate my crystal ball! [Tom.]
"Do you smell gargoyle feet?" [Crow.]
"I wonder if there's any of that crystal ball chicken left.
That stuff was good.
" Ayclovee, drayta, sohm.
[Jonah.]
Caedmon really puts the "can't" in "incantation.
" Oonum, ayclovee, drayta, sohm! [Tom.]
Whoa, my goodness! Oh! Fire! Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot fire.
Hot fire.
Hot fire.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my God.
[Crow.]
"Your spell set off the sprinklers again, Gary.
Third time this week.
" Any more tricks? Well I-I tried.
I've had it with you, sheep dip.
Sidyoom, rofacow, caballah! [Jonah.]
"Damn arthritis, throwing off my spells! Fooey!" No! You can't kill my father! [Tom.]
What? Father? We got to unpack this.
[Crow.]
They're just throwing in moments from Star Wars and hoping it all works out somehow.
[Jonah.]
Is this what the kids call a "rave"? [Tom.]
Yeah, just add more pacifiers and glow sticks.
[Crow.]
Oh, Tyor got a bad dose.
Just another casualty of the rave culture.
- [Jonah.]
Rosé bud - [Tom.]
He chose poorly.
[Crow.]
You know he's gonna fill that thing with Spaghetti-Os by the end of the day.
[Jonah.]
They finally found Ray Brower.
You've eliminated my last rival, for which I'm grateful.
[Tom.]
"I'll never lose 'best-dressed wizard' again!" You've been a naughty boy, and you must be punished.
[Crow.]
"No TV for a month, or I cut off your fingers.
You choose.
" [suspenseful music.]
[Jonah.]
"Let's just say this is a magic axe.
Does that work for everyone?" [Tyor.]
Ugh! The Amulet's killing my powers.
[Tom.]
"And it's dubbing in plot-building dialogue.
" Break out of it, Tyor! Use your head! Use your head, Tyor! [Crow.]
What's a head tire? Weggy meggy eggy [Jonah.]
"Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.
" [Crow.]
Very thin line between sorcery and baby talk.
[Jonah.]
Tuck you in, warm within [Idun.]
Tyor! [Jonah.]
He's regenerating! [Crow.]
Wow, that static is really frizzing up her hair.
[Jonah.]
"Does this look weird, me walking slowly in the strobe light, huh?" [Tom.]
Revealed for the first time, the origin story of Slim Goodbody, on Secrets of Captain Kangaroo.
[Jonah.]
Julia Roberts in Flatliners.
[Crow.]
Jonah, can you do that? [Jonah.]
I could, but then I'd die.
[Crow.]
So can you do that? [Jonah.]
"Let my wizards go!" [laughing.]
Heel, Caedmon! [Crow.]
"You're on your own, kid!" [Tom.]
The only thing this has in common with the first movie is dumb hats.
Hold it, rat head.
[Jonah.]
"It's pronounced 'ra-theed'!" At last.
Take it, kid.
This is your show.
[Tom.]
"My show, Kung Fu, ran for three seasons and had a movie and a four-season sequel, as you all know.
" [Crow.]
Well, looks like it's mano y old mano.
[Jonah.]
When he's cold, he can just pull those wings down and cover his ears.
Yah! [Tom.]
Tyor, go for his hip replacement! [Jonah.]
Aim for the bat hat! [Crow.]
Someone die so this movie can be over, please! [Caedmon.]
That's it, Tyor! [Tom.]
"My name is Inigo Montoya.
I tried to kill your father, who nobody knew was your father until you called him your father.
Prepare to die.
" [Zarz laughing.]
Tyor! Arm yourself! [Crow.]
"You arm yourself! [chuckles.]
Burn.
" Gehgiv, meggy, megoo, saygles! [Jonah.]
Mmm, meggy megoo saygle sandwich - [all.]
Ah! - [Tom.]
Oh! It's actually not looking that bad.
[Crow.]
You're kidding, right? [Tom.]
Da-na-na-na-na-na [Zarz gasps.]
[Crow.]
Wasn't killing the one thing he wasn't supposed to do? [Jonah.]
It's okay, he beggy-weggeyed his shagel-magels.
[Tom.]
I guess Tyor run bartertown now.
[Crow.]
Now he can use the Amulet to contact Bigfoot.
[Jonah.]
The Wizards of the Lost Kingdom stunt show at Universal Studios! [Tom.]
With senior discount! [Crow.]
Later that day, after they washed the wizard's blood off the floor [Jonah.]
"All hair-band members, please report to the throne room for practice.
" [Tom.]
"We honor thee, young fancy lad.
" [bells tolling.]
[Crow.]
Now, that lion-dog-opotamus just loves life, you know? [Tom.]
Carradine's secret to success grabbing a quick 40 winks during shooting.
[tolling continues.]
[Jonah.]
Ah, Moses during his Vegas years.
[Tom.]
"Let my pizza go!" [Crow.]
Enough with the bells.
It's, like, nineteen o'clock already.
[Jonah.]
"Okay, look, I'll kneel, but I just I probably won't be getting back up from that position.
It's gonna be a once-and-for-all situation.
Uh, here we go.
" - [Crow imitating bones cracking.]
- [Jonah.]
Aah! [Tom.]
"Oh, boy! Oh, jeez.
That hurts.
" [Tyor.]
Uh-oh.
[Jonah.]
That's all, folks! [Crow.]
That's not all, folks! [Tom.]
The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo! [Tyor.]
I don't want to be king.
[Caedmon.]
You have to be king.
[Amathea.]
Otherwise, we'll all become jealous of each other's political power.
[Erman.]
Yeah, and then we'll begin fighting among ourselves.
This is insane! The Dark One is the logical leader.
Yeah.
Fortunately, I don't believe in logic.
[Jonah.]
"Or pants.
" - [thunder booms.]
- [Crow.]
"Hit the deck! It's a weather!" [Tom.]
"The electricity went out! Oh, wait.
" - [Jonah.]
Saruman! - [Crow.]
Dumbledore! [Tom.]
Ozzy Osbourne! [Jonah.]
Rip Torn as Tenacious D! [Crow.]
Hippie Brian Cox! [Tom.]
Brian Doyle-Murray as Susan Sontag! Must I suffer these moments of materiality for the sake of squabbling fools? [Jonah.]
Albert Finney is mad.
Let the Dark One choose the leader of the three found kingdoms of the fallen wizards.
[Crow.]
"He's the biggest name in the cast.
" Okay.
Uh [Tom.]
"I'll invoke the ancient rite of Eenie Meenie Miney Mo.
" It's my opinion Erman should be king.
[Jonah.]
All hail King A.
C.
Slater! And, uh, Amathea should be queen.
[Crow.]
Oh, so this is one of those "everybody gets a trophy" type of competitions? And you, Dark One? Uh, I think I ought to be bartender.
So it shall come to pass.
[Tom.]
Democracy in action.
Well, what about me? [Jonah.]
"You have school tomorrow.
" You must travel on, Tyor of Eedok.
[Crow.]
"Grower of Turnips, Annoyer of Audiences, Maker of Chickens.
" [Tom.]
"Going Through-er of Awkward Stages, Speaker of Gibberish, Looker-At of Bottoms.
" [Jonah.]
"Screwup in Extraordinary to Their Royal Majesties, Whatever Their Names Were.
" Great Vanir.
[Tom.]
"Greg Kinnear"? I just want to go home.
[Vanir.]
Rise, wizard! True wizard.
Grand wizard of the reunited powers of the created order.
[Crow.]
Don't say "grand wizard.
" Commander and general of the disbanded army and [Jonah.]
"Virgin.
" honorary man.
Give me the artifacts of power.
[Jonah.]
Some nerve, phoning it in through liquid through the whole movie and then coming in right at the end to take all the glory.
[Crow.]
"And I'm gonna need your gun and your badge.
" [Tom.]
"And the Glock 19 in your boot.
" [Jonah.]
You're gonna want to run this through the dishwasher before using it again, just saying.
Now you must go from here and prove your right to these fine titles through acts of humiliation and frustration.
[Tom.]
"So like dating.
" [Vanir.]
You must take charge of the one-time wizard Caedmon and reinstruct him through the rites of passage.
If you can do that, you really are a wizard.
- [Jonah.]
"Jim Belushi has spoken!" - [thunder booms.]
[Crow.]
"And so the bad pupil becomes the bad master of his original bad master, who becomes his pupil.
Brother.
" [Tom.]
"Hold on.
I'm having some trouble with Skype right now.
" [Gypsy.]
Power's back on.
Oh, all the sundials are blinking 12:00.
[Tom.]
"Eh, maybe I will be king after all.
Take them away, guards.
" To the king and queen of all creation.
- Hail! - Hail.
[Jonah.]
Cut Caedmon some slack.
He just got demoted.
[Crow.]
Mm, the Dark One's already regretting his choice.
- If Vanir insists.
- [Jonah.]
Cue power ballad.
Give you any ideas? Don't worry, Tyor.
Someday you'll have it.
Then you'll have enough.
Then you'll have too much.
Believe me.
[Tom.]
"I used to roadie for Zeppelin, and oh, man" Believe that, kid.
[Crow.]
He thinks he's still fighting.
Or you can live like a man.
[Idun.]
I assume you're ready to prove that? [Dark One.]
Trust me.
See you next quest.
[Jonah.]
This is like the last day of camp.
They think they're gonna keep in touch, but they're not.
Shall we go, Master? [Tom.]
"Or should we sit here in the corner and creep on the lovebirds?" [Crow.]
"You're the wizard now, dog!" [Jonah.]
"And once again, the gargoyle gets away scot-free.
Ha-hoo!" [Crow.]
"Walk behind me, slave.
You'll find my teaching methods to be most painful and severe.
" [Tom.]
"Before our time together is done, you shall learn to fear me.
" [Dark One.]
Well, well, well, if it isn't the old goat and his kid.
- Idun! - [Jonah.]
We're a gastropub now.
Bring drammel! Look who's working.
[Crow.]
Wait, the movie about a baby with a job? Tyor, Caedmon, welcome.
- Have a drink.
- Hi.
Well, um, I don't drink drammel, but [Caedmon.]
I do.
[Tyor.]
See what my pupil can do.
He can turn drammel into Agga buhgaggis, go baggai! [Tom.]
"Ga-ba-goo!" - [light explosion.]
- [Jonah.]
Oh, he created life! [Dark One laughs.]
[Crow.]
Don't laugh.
He has godlike power! So Tyor's rebuilding the wizard, and we're rebuilding the bar.
Yeah, with a raised dance floor so more bulgin' eyes can see me dance.
[Tom.]
I didn't know you served Belgians here.
You guys ought to stay around for a while.
We could use a comedy/magic act in the place.
[Caedmon.]
Oh-ho.
[Vanir.]
They must go to the land beyond the mountains where the sacred ram still lives.
Now, move out! [Jonah.]
I liked him better when he was just in bowls.
Bon appétit.
[Crow.]
He was Mario Batali the whole time! Hey, wait a minute.
What about my four coppers? Ah, hang on a second.
Sorry.
Coppers.
Four.
[Jonah.]
Boy, he must be tired.
I know I am.
Uh, Master? What does "bon appétit" mean? [Crow.]
"Cut! You're the master now Eh, just forget it.
All right, movie's almost over, guys.
- Keep going.
" - [Tom.]
Whoa! Hello.
Is the cameraman dying? Can somebody check on him? [Jonah.]
The film's actual budget.
[Crow.]
Is it really over? I'm afraid to let myself believe it.
[Tom.]
Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II was brought to you by America's Poultry Farmers sponsors of the chicken of tomorrow! [jovial Renaissance music.]
[doors clanking and whirring.]
- Jonah, my tummy doesn't feel so good.
- Aww.
I'm dizzy and exhausted, and my eyes hate me.
I think I've exceeded my maximum tolerance level for bad movie.
Oh, well, don't worry.
Dr.
Jonah's here.
Nothing heals the pain of a bad movie like a good one.
You know, to deal with the Dark One's stripper wife, watch Steel Magnolias full of strong female roles.
But what about the endless scenes of walking? Uh, 12 Angry Men.
You know, they spend all their time sitting down.
The shamefully sloppy fight choreography? Uh, three doses of The Matrix.
Not all the sequels.
Just watch the first one three times in a row.
Caedmon setting his own butt on fire? Uh, The Godfather.
That inflatable Popeye arm at the end? Uh, okay, that would be Pedro Almodóvar's All About My Mother.
The blatant use of stock footage? Um The Right Stuff.
- The werewolf/pig man battle? - Do the Right Thing.
The lame running gags about chicken? Uh, Let the Right One In, followed by the end credits of A Bug's Life.
What about when all the heroes start kissing at the end, and you thought for just one moment that Caedmon and Tyor might start kissing, too? Ugh, my stomach.
Oh, try A Hard Day's Night! That picks me up! Yeah, yeah.
Oh, no, no! What about Norma Rae? - Oh! - Oh, yeah.
What are we doing? Why why are we helping them? Ugh.
Ugh.
Push the button, Max.
[bicep creaking.]
[Tyor.]
Wow! It's actually not looking that bad.
[musical fanfare.]