Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e12 Episode Script

1 This is why everything you thought was true is, in fact, untrue.
And everything you thought wasn't true Totally true.
That's what I call Tom Servo's Five Principles of Counter-Intuitivity.
Oh, hey, welcome to the Satellite of Love.
We're in the middle of Servo's Tom Talk.
It's like TED Talk, except it's mostly vague gibberish that doesn't actually mean anything when you think about it later.
So a TED Talk, then? Well, that's Oh, no! [Jonah screaming.]
Continue.
Oh, yeah, so the truth it's out there.
- Hmm.
- But is it in a file marked X? - Yes.
- Hold hold on.
[stammering.]
These aren't interactive.
- So you just wait - Okay.
You tell me what you think later in comments.
[Jonah screaming.]
[upbeat music.]
[man.]
In the not-too-distant future [man.]
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- [man.]
Next Sunday A.
D.
- [man.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
[man.]
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? [man.]
A distress call came in for himAt half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon [Kinga.]
I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - [singers.]
La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Now, keep in mind That Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends [man.]
Robot roll call [together.]
Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow [man.]
If you're wondering How he eats and breathes - And other science facts - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Just repeat to yourself,"It's just a show I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 Close your eyes.
Now open them.
See what a difference it makes? That's the power of now.
You're still doing this? Oh, look.
The Outliers are calling.
- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, what Jonah.
Bots.
Max.
There comes a time when a woman yearns for a partner, a life mate.
A plot development powerful enough to draw attention from the mainstream media and set a million fan-fiction shippers typing.
K-K-Kinga, are are you saying That's right.
Kinga Forrester, Queen of all Media, shall be married.
[gasps.]
Oh, and to think, the perfect choice was literally right in front of my eyes the whole time.
He's reasonably funny, somewhat likable.
I mean, sure, he's not particularly attractive, but Well, that that's a bit harsh.
But he is at my total mercy, and that's what I need in a husband.
Kinga, this Kinga, this is my dream come true.
Um, weird.
You dream about me marrying Jonah? [chuckles.]
[Crow and Tom.]
Jonah? - Jonah.
- Jonah? Jonah.
Jonah? Jonah.
Kinga [sighs.]
I'm I'm I'm flattered and incredibly frightened of what you might do if I say no, but this is all so sudden.
Jonah, I'm just a megalomaniacal girl standing in front of a kidnapped boy, asking him to love her, or she will shut off his oxygen.
But first, invention exchange! Let's say you want a pet, but the dumb human you live with keeps saying there isn't enough room? - There's not.
- Introducing Yeasta Pet.
Part Chia Pet, part Sea-Monkey, all baking fungus.
Now you can have thousands of pets, and they don't take up too much room.
Watch your Yeasta Pets grow and change.
Whisper your secrets to them.
I don't really know karate.
Assign them traditional nuclear family roles, then watch them asexually reproduce faster than you can comprehend.
Look, you got them all.
Here's Clint Yeastwood, Captain Yeastheart, Judas Yeast, the Yeastie Boys, and Bread Foxx, Shannon Dough-erty.
And this one over here This one's Tiny.
Ah, but don't get too attached.
You'll eventually just want to use them to make beer.
What do you think, sirs? Oh, how sweet.
You're assigning identities to microscopic life forms fated to be consumed.
[laughs.]
I like that.
It reminds me of us.
But you know what I don't like? No, what's that, Max? - The taste of my own sweat.
- [gasps.]
Are you as tired as I am with the taste of your own sweat? Of course you are.
Try our Flavor Sweat, the only sports beverage with the secret combination of electrolytes and plutonium waste that makes you sweat out a rainbow of flavors.
[laughs.]
Mmm.
Hmm.
Mmm, my sweat tastes like pumpkin pie! Uh yeah, mine's extra-cheesy pizza.
- Pizza? - Yeah.
I thought it would taste better than that.
Ugh.
[spitting.]
Well, your experiment today is a grimy little tale of a talking ape and the worst show on Earth.
Jonah, wouldn't you rather spurn Kinga and die a horrible death? [chuckles.]
You wish.
Enter the nightmare-fueled world of Carnival Magic.
Movie in the hole! Oh, saltines! And that's just how you taste naturally.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! [Crow exclaiming.]
[doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
Elvin Feltner presents.
Bird Sounds: From Cockatoo to Cockatiel.
They're all on one LP.
[Jonah.]
Ooh, what's Don Stewart in? [Crow.]
Clearly not those chairs.
[circus music.]
[Tom.]
Hey, title, don't go away.
We just got to know you.
[Crow.]
Carnival? Like in Rio? - Oh.
- [Tom.]
Carnival Man.
[Jonah.]
Carnival Magnum, P.
I.
[Tom.]
Off the O.
Henry story.
[Crow.]
Oh, Carnival Magi.
Oh, oh, Carnival Magic.
I knew it the whole time, guys.
[Jonah.]
"Kittens! Get your deep-fried chocolate-covered kittens!" [Crow.]
Oh, this is this guy is the lowest-rent Bond villain I've ever seen.
[Tom.]
"You know, I'll be honest.
Business just hasn't been the same since the Rapture, and everyone left behind is so sinful.
" [Jonah.]
"I will love you and pet you and call you George.
" [Crow.]
Ooh, a chimp.
[Tom.]
I've had lots of movies promise me chimps, then not deliver.
[Jonah.]
Yes, hello.
Jeez.
[Crow.]
A lot of unattended kids at this carnival.
[Jonah.]
This must be that Children of the Corn Festival.
[Tom.]
You must be this tall to ride, outlander.
[Crow.]
Lot of girls in this movie, but only Missy O'Shea is in the car.
[man.]
Hurry, hurry, hurry, it's showtime at the Stoney Martin Tent of Miracles.
See Kirk Wilder, billed as the most fearless wild-animal trainer in all the world.
[Tom.]
And for Dad [man.]
And for the first time on our stage, see Markov the Magnificent Incredible, impossible to believe, but true.
[Jonah.]
Fire will become not fire.
[man.]
Just a very few minutesto see the man who has mastered the powers of the universe.
[Crow.]
"So he can condescend to you.
" [Tom.]
And the crowd goes mild.
[Jonah chuckles.]
"Right? Adorable, huh? Well, time to feed the snake.
" [man.]
We're not gonna charge you ten dollars.
We're not gonna charge you five, but for a single dollar bill.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, it's on the inside.
[Crow.]
"Behold the devastating effects of disco fever.
Don't get too close.
The dancing queen, she bites!" [Tom.]
"In the future, you'll be able to ignore me by staring at your phone.
" Bud? You got a customer? Sorry, Dad.
[Tom.]
"I won't be taking advantage of your family-night promotion.
Ticket for one, please.
" [chuckles awkwardly.]
[Jonah.]
Poor guy's got male-pattern sadness.
How you doing, Stoney? Yeah.
[Crow.]
"Good luck with the Boss Hogg audition.
" I think your dad's still got it in for me.
Would you blame him? We pay you to get crowds here.
Hey, I'm a PR man, not a magician.
[Gypsy.]
You can always go back and get your old modeling job at Tommy Bahama.
[Jonah.]
"Ride the great sky wheel, where you'll have a god's-eye view from everything from the burnt-out JC Penney's to Derrick's mom's aboveground pool!" [Tom.]
"Come to the big, big show!" [Crow.]
"Drop things in boxes.
" [Tom.]
"Kissing! Touching!" [Crow.]
"Greasy undershirts.
" - [Jonah.]
Whoa, whoa! Watch out.
- [Tom.]
Watch out.
[Crow.]
I think I chipped my tooth.
[Tom.]
"Isn't this as good as Disney World? [forced laughter.]
Please tell Dad we had fun!" [Jonah.]
Al Adamson is the name Alan Smithee uses when he doesn't want his name on a film.
[Tom.]
So where do you think this movie is set? [Jonah.]
I don't know, in a submarine? Rome 420 A.
D.
? [Crow.]
Ugh, I'm gonna be sick.
I don't do well on these things.
- [Jonah.]
Oh, Crow.
- [Crow retches.]
- [Jonah.]
Oh, Crow, okay.
- [Tom.]
You're gonna have to clean that.
Sleep, Moustik, my friend.
[Tom.]
Arthur Fonzarelli: where are they now? - [tigers purring.]
- [chuckles.]
[Jonah.]
Dead tiger walking.
Raja.
[Crow.]
"Tony, Tigger, Shere Khan.
Who am I forgetting? Oh, yeah, Exxon Logo.
" - [tiger growls.]
- Yes, Nepal.
We all have our cages with or without bars.
[Tom.]
"Mine is made of alimony.
" He beats you, Sahib, because he doesn't understand you.
I warned you not to hang around my cats.
I was only admiring them.
The next time I see you around my animals, I'll feed you to them.
[Jonah.]
"They'd only choke on my hairpiece.
" Get him, Baron! [dog barking.]
[Kirk.]
Baron.
Go get him, Baron.
[dog whining.]
Go get him, I said.
Baron.
[dog barking.]
[whining.]
[Crow.]
"I told him he was adopted.
" [dramatic music.]
[Tom.]
Tight-shirt brigade is in the house.
What the hell is going on here? Every time that freak talks to any of my cats, he confuses them, and I can't handle them in the ring.
Kirk's right.
I've seen it happen.
He's even turned Baron against me.
There's no room for this kind of stuff in my carnival.
You keep that geek.
I quit! [Jonah.]
Oh, the term is Nerd-American, please.
Kirk! [Crow.]
"Eh?" Kirk, Kirk.
Look, look, you don't understand.
I-I can't afford to lose you.
The season just started.
I'm barely surviving now.
You should've thought of that when you booked this concession.
You're the only class act I got.
Without you, I couldn't last another week.
He's been talking to my cats.
So? We all do.
Only they listen to him.
It's your imagination.
Baron wouldn't obey me.
[Jonah.]
"Now it looks like I'm gonna have to send him to military school.
" All right, I'll talk to Markov.
You want me get rid of him.
[Tom.]
"I wish I could quit you.
" I'll take care of it this afternoon.
[Crow.]
"Right after yoga.
" [sighs.]
Damn it.
[Jonah.]
"Now I got the funnel-cake sweats.
" I needed this.
- Hurricanes.
- [Crow.]
"Locusts.
" - Crooked shills.
- [Tom.]
"Rain of frogs.
" Theme parks sprouting out all over.
- [Jonah.]
"Bitchy tiger-men.
" - Now this.
[Crow.]
"A crisis of faith.
" [sighs.]
Damn.
[Tom.]
"Heavy is the head that wears the straw cowboy hat.
" [Jonah.]
Ooh, I hope we do get to see him go all the way into the tent.
Ah oh, yeah.
All right.
Oh, and out of a trailer.
This carnival really is magic.
[Tom.]
A nice relaxed-fit establishing shot.
Hey, how you doing, Stoney? - Did you place the ads? - Yeah.
You know they wanted cash? Did you have enough? Just don't ask me what time it is.
[all.]
Huh? You know I had to leave my $200 watch there just to cover a lousy $80 charge? Why didn't you tell them to bill the carny? [Crow.]
Glencarny Glenross.
Well, you see, this newspaper's got a new motto.
"In God we trust, and all carnies pay cash.
" Don't worry.
We'll work something out.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, I can't wipe away the shame.
" They even had to cut Markov's ad to save money.
That don't matter no nothing.
I'm I'm terminating him today.
What do you mean? Where's he going? I ain't my brother's keeper.
Here, you bring this back to my van, will you? I got to talk to Markov.
It won't take long.
[Tom.]
"So I should talk to accounting about my watch or what?" [Crow.]
"Oh, looking good Pile of sticks, taped-up trailer windows, crappy Magic Marker sign.
Nice.
" Markov.
Got to talk to you.
[Jonah.]
"Hat club time.
" - Can I come in? - We can talk out here.
[Tom.]
"It's somewhat less smelly.
" We're not a big carnival.
When we leave, most people don't even know we were in town.
[Crow.]
"What? I thought we were a big hit.
" People don't trust you.
You make them uneasy.
All you hear all day is, "What's he got in the trailer?" It's none of their business.
[Jonah.]
"Okay, checkmate.
" It's important we work as a team.
Kirk's threatened it's either him or you.
So when do you want me to leave? I can give you to the end of the week, sooner if you can.
All right, I got a long way to go.
I'll leave in the morning.
Oh, um, Markov [all.]
Polov! Between you and me what you got in there? [Tom.]
Another battle of wills lost by old Stoney.
Have it your way.
[Jonah.]
"How is it I fired you, and I'm the loser?" [Crow.]
"Okay, everybody, he's gone.
Get back into position.
Now, this is gonna get weird.
" Now stop playing.
This is very serious.
[Tom.]
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I can't spend all my time looking after you and worrying about what you're doing.
[Tom.]
When you're right, you're right.
This isn't the first time it's happened, you know.
[Tom.]
We agreed not to talk about that.
You just you just won't be quiet.
You think everyone's your friend because you trust so much.
[Tom.]
I blame Facebook.
We can try to stay clear of people, but [Tom.]
They're everywhere, right? In time, they'll come into our lives, and nothing will ever be the same again.
[Tom.]
You mean when we ride the comet? You know, I need time to myself, too, you know.
[Tom.]
Of course, master.
Forgive me.
But you make noises so loud, everyone thinks I'm hiding a monster.
[Tom.]
Again, let me apologize.
I stepped out of line, and I'm sorry.
People are suspicious of things they don't understand.
[Tom.]
Right, like the thing with the chicken.
And that's why I'm hiding you.
[Tom.]
That makes sense, master.
Let me go prepare your chamber.
But it's very hard to keep the world out.
[Tom.]
I understand.
We're all waiting for the Day of the Grand Translargement.
It's going to be glorious.
[Crow.]
What was that all about? [Tom.]
Hell if I know.
[Jonah.]
"Aw, sweet kid.
Wanted to be the first in line for my show.
" [upbeat music.]
[Max.]
Markov the magician, wild-animal trainer Kirk, and a really seedy-looking midway are teaming up to create some carnival magic, but you'll probably figure out how it's done.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
- Wait here.
- [Tom.]
Yes, master.
Of course, master.
Hail Markov.
Hail Markov.
Markov is power.
Markov allows us to sleep.
[Markov.]
Buddy? [Crow.]
Oh, put your shoes on, honey.
We're almost at Grandma's.
Hey, Buddy.
Wake up.
It's almost dawn.
[Jonah.]
"You're gonna miss The 700 Club.
" Don't you think you ought to go to bed? [Tom.]
"Yeah, you're right, nothing's hap Wha what?" [grunts.]
[Crow.]
She stands in shock.
Who is that? I told you to wait outside.
[Jonah.]
"I'm a lovable scamp.
" [grunts.]
What's his name? Monster.
[Bud.]
Oh, my God, he can talk.
[Crow.]
"Well, kind of.
" [Bud.]
Who is he? That's Alex.
[Tom.]
"My beautiful son.
" - Hello, Alex, I'm Bud.
- Bud.
[Jonah.]
"Ow, my hand!" Bud, please don't say anything to anybody.
It's important.
Why have you been hiding him? [Tom.]
Do not question Markov.
Look.
- Alex, not now.
- What's he doing? [Crow.]
Learning 30 ways to please his man, apparently.
Reach inside.
[Jonah.]
"Ew, of what?" [soft piano music.]
Mm-hmm.
Hey, that's great.
What else does he do? [Tom.]
Besides being a talking chimp? Everything he's told.
[Crow.]
"As long as it's what I'm already planning to do.
" Well, why don't you use him in the show, then? [Jonah.]
"Well, he's kind of a diva.
" - No.
- Well, why not? He's just exactly what the carny needs now.
He's not a performer.
[Crow.]
"I promised his grandmother I'd send him to seminary.
" [grunting.]
[Tom.]
What's the point of a talking chimp who mostly grumbles under his breath? Well, can't I just show him to Stoney and see what he says? Stoney's fired me.
[Bud.]
Yeah, but that was before he knew about Alex.
- Right.
- [Crow.]
Sassy monkey.
[Bud.]
Look, you don't understand.
He's an old man.
He's gonna lose this show.
It's all he has right now.
He's really desperate.
[Jonah.]
"And chimps are so in.
" He's got Kirk.
[Bud.]
Kirk is not the answer anymore.
[Tom.]
Picard? Look, what do you have to lose? I mean, we could both gain from this.
[Crow.]
"You're crazy if you think I'm not getting my beak wet on this.
" [Alex grunting.]
[sighs.]
[Jonah sighs.]
"There's one more piece to the puzzle, Bud.
Alex is a murderer.
" What's the story? [Tom.]
"Morning Glory.
" Give me a minute, okay? [Crow.]
"I understand.
Talking to monkeys is a process.
" [Jonah.]
Is it just me, or is this scene supposed to feel like a hopeful autopsy? [grunting.]
[Crow.]
"Alex, I have been grappling with this issue a long, long time.
Can you roller-skate?" Alex [Tom.]
"I'll take Potent Potables for 200.
" When Sarah died teaching you was all I had.
It got me through.
[Jonah.]
What stage of grief is chimp-play? But we're broke.
[Crow.]
"Your Beanie Baby obsession destroyed us.
" And we can't stay together if I can't feed you.
[Jonah.]
Oh, I get it.
Circle of life man loses wife, teaches chimp to talk, joins low-rent carnival, goes broke.
Man and chimp starve in a trailer.
Seen it a hundred times, really.
[Tom.]
"Huh, huh? Right, huh?" So what do you think? You want to stay? Mm.
[Crow.]
"I do have that scholarship from Stanford.
" [Jonah.]
"Limited-time offer, Alex.
" [Crow.]
"Would you just decide already?" Mm-hmm, yeah.
[Jonah.]
"Is that 'good' in monkey-talk?" - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- [Tom.]
"Monkey calls the tune.
" - Okay.
- Okay.
[Crow.]
"Hurray! Let's exploit this monkey for financial gain.
" [grunting.]
[Jonah.]
"Hey, Ben Folds, keep it down up there.
" [Tom.]
Wow, this amusement park, it is so fun.
[Crow.]
"Bud, just tell me where the bathroom is.
We're never gonna make it this way! Oh, why'd I have to have midnight chili?" What? Girl, you're crazy.
[Jonah.]
"Now get in there and become a man, Dad.
" [Stoney.]
What are you doing in here? I thought I fired you.
[Markov.]
Sit down, Stoney.
[Crow.]
"Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far, far away from here.
" Alex you have company.
Mm.
Right.
[Tom.]
"Good thing I put on my Daisy Dukes.
" [grunting.]
[Jonah.]
"Oh, heck, I can do that.
" [jazz music.]
[Tom.]
Ugh, gross.
I'm right under it.
It's all over me.
What is that, yak dander? It's all right.
It's all right.
[Crow.]
"Hey, that that's not a boy.
That's a monkey.
" [Jonah.]
Wow, Alex is almost as good as one of their heavily sedated tigers.
[Tom.]
"Comb against the grain I can't do that.
" [Tom.]
"Did you see that? He's brushing his teeth.
" [Jonah.]
Whoa.
No way.
[Crow.]
Oh, God is smiling on us.
[Markov.]
Okay, Alex, that's good enough.
Now get the broom, please.
[Jonah.]
Oh, no way.
No, he's not getting the broom.
[Crow.]
Wow, look at this guy.
He's like, "No way!" [Tom.]
He's doing it.
[Crow.]
Who will believe a chimp in a diaper can sweep? [Jonah.]
All right, get that spot.
[Tom.]
He got the spot.
He's good.
[Crow.]
"Good"? He's the best.
I mean, look at that thing hanging down.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, it's epiphany! It's a mitzvah! [all.]
USA! USA! USA! [Tom.]
No, not the dishes.
I can't handle any more.
[Crow.]
That was amazing.
[Jonah.]
A toilet brush? I didn't see that coming.
[Tom.]
Stoney, you're gonna be swimming in torn undershirts.
[Crow.]
Please don't tell me there's more.
There's no way this could get any bett Oh, he's in the refrigerator! - He is in the refrigerator! - [Jonah.]
Here we go.
I bet it's gonna be orange juice.
[Tom.]
Oh, oh, oh! [Jonah.]
It's orange juice! [all shouting.]
[Jonah.]
Oh, my God.
[Tom.]
Glasses? No way.
No way.
[Crow.]
He can get them, but can he hand them off? He did it! He did it! [laughs.]
Good boy.
Ready.
[Jonah.]
Oh, and it's so cloudy and gross.
It looks like there's some kind of medicine in it.
- Yeah! - [Tom.]
But he's doing it.
[Crow.]
If you only see one chimp perform basic household chores in a mobile home, make sure it's Alex at the Winter Garden.
Why have you been hiding him? He's great! [all cheering.]
- [Crow.]
Yes, yes! - [Tom.]
Yes, bravo.
[Jonah.]
Aw, man, that was great.
[chuckles.]
- [Tom.]
Wha oh.
- [Jonah.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Tom.]
It got weird.
Too far, too far.
[Jonah.]
She just cleaned up after the elephant.
Hey, Ellen.
What the heck is going on around here? This place is buzzing with rumors.
I'm the PR man, and I know less than anybody.
- [Crow.]
No duh.
- It's a secret.
[Tom.]
"And I'm weird.
" Stoney has to check it out first.
It's unique.
Hey, there's no such thing.
It's Markov.
Are you kidding? And Alex.
Alex? Who is Alex, and where is he? - Well, it's not exactly a he.
- Oh, an it.
- Sort of.
- [Jonah.]
Gender is fluid.
Ellen, I don't want to play games.
Well, just wait.
Look, it's part of the deal.
No one sees Alex till the show.
Look, Stoney promised.
I did, too.
Please understand? [Crow.]
No.
Okay.
Sure.
I'm good at waiting.
[Jonah.]
"God, I hate waiting.
" [Tom.]
Nice fallopian-tube motif.
[man.]
And now Markov the Magnificent and Alexander the Great! [Crow.]
"Uh, excuse me, just got to get by here.
" [drumroll.]
- [Tom.]
Monster! - [Crow.]
Kill the freak! [cheers and applause.]
[Tom.]
"Sweet freedom.
" [Crow.]
"That's right, Alex, pick their pockets.
" [laughs.]
[Tom.]
And his assistant, Stacey's mom She's got it going on.
[Markov.]
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex.
Alex, who's the boss? You are.
[Markov.]
That's right, Alex.
And don't you ever forget it.
[Jonah.]
Hey, my teacher's here.
[grunting.]
[blows raspberry.]
[Markov.]
Very funny, Alex, but just remember who's the boss around here.
[Alex.]
Sure, you boss me star.
[Tom.]
Amazing acoustics in that tent.
[Jonah.]
Ah, Stoney wore his tux.
[Crow.]
He claps more like an ape than the ape does.
Oh, Dad.
Let's see Barnum top this.
Looks like we're big-time again.
[Tom.]
"Can't wait to blow it.
" Hey, looky, looky, looky, here's where you get the big ones.
One in, you win.
How about you sir? Three balls for 50 cents.
By golly, here's where you win the big one.
Just one in, you take home a beautiful goldfish.
Everybody plays.
Aw, come on in, sir.
Wait a minute.
Step right over here.
Step up just a little [Jonah.]
"Uh, no.
As a nerd, I do not partake in games of chance.
I understand they are rigged in favor of the carnival, against the laws of probability.
On the other hand, I do need a new pair of belly-high pants.
Oh, no, I've attracted a crowd.
The pressure's on.
" [Tom.]
This stinks.
Bring back Alexander the Great.
[Jonah.]
Remember when he poured that orange juice? [Crow.]
And the sweeping? Oh, the sweeping! [all.]
Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex! [doors clanking and whirring.]
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
See a show that is well within the realms of your imagination.
Gaze in "astoundment" at Alexander the Great, the chimp who mumbles ordinary, unimpressive small talk.
Mm.
Looks like rain.
Behold how he doesn't say anything funny, like you'd assume a talking chimp would.
Sure.
Be underwhelmed by the wasted potential of an animal gifted with the power of verbal communication.
It's a theoretical miracle and a practical disappointment.
Mm.
Still raining, huh? Question the life choices that led you to throw away good money on a chimpanzee who is clearly struggling with existential ennui.
My ankle's sore.
But Alexander isn't the whole show.
How could he be? There's also Markov the Magnificent! He's deeply mystic and incredibly petty.
His condescending tone will leave you wondering if you can do anything right.
Who else can make animals uncomfortable just by looking at them? And yet somehow, he's the best of us.
Markov and Alexander double dynamite.
See it all for just one dollar.
[buzzer blaring.]
- [all shouting.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[piano music.]
[Tom.]
Uh, did the cameraman get lost? [Crow.]
What have they got in that box, a prisoner of war? [Jonah.]
Sons and daughters of anarchy.
[Tom.]
You know, in this town, this is considered an actual driving school.
[Crow.]
"Please let us off.
We've been on here for, like, three days already, and no one seems to understand.
Aah!" It's the miracle of the age, something you'll tell your children about till you can't talk no more.
Markov the Magnificent has given us the special privilege of presenting in the Tent of Miracles [Jonah.]
Hey, come on, guys, that's not cool.
[Crow.]
You dance all the time.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, that's my private time, and I-I didn't know you could see that either, okay? [Tom.]
Later, ladies.
There's plenty of seats on the inside.
Just have your dollars ready for the thrill of a lifetime.
But hurry, hurry [Tom.]
We could be dancing right now.
[Jonah.]
"Follow us to the disco fever stage.
" [Crow.]
"Remember when we used to work here? We're famous now.
" [Tom.]
And hit your mark right now.
People losing money, people making money.
- It's all the same.
- [Jonah.]
No, it's not.
- Everyone's having fun.
- [Tom.]
No, they're not.
I finally feel like I'm with you.
I feel like a carny.
[Crow.]
Sweaty and gross.
Hi, there, good-looking.
You winning anything yet? No.
Let me try one for you.
[Jonah.]
He's the made man of the midway.
There you go! Give the lady her prize.
Oh, thank you, mister.
I want Alex.
- There you go.
- [Crow.]
"Woman version of me.
" - See, you're learning, son.
- I know it.
[Tom.]
"Wear your jeans, shirt, and hat as tight as possible.
Then strut around like a big man.
" Hey, Shorty, how's it going? [Shorty.]
How you doing? Fine.
How's it going with you? - [Shorty.]
Good, good.
- Nice, nice.
[Crow.]
What are our chances of seeing Shorty? We can't even see the movie over all these people.
Hey, there.
Well, it's busy, all right, nice and busy.
[Crow.]
Really fun seeing you meander all through the carnival, very neighborly.
What does this have to do with anything? [Tom.]
I know, even Alejandro Iñárritu would have called cut by now.
Bah! [Jonah.]
Yeah, I think they're getting tired out now.
I know I am.
[indistinct conversation.]
[Tom.]
Why, it's just one great big line for the ATM.
Uh, why don't you let the lady try? Yeah, let me try.
I can probably do it.
[Crow.]
My hat's off to the filmmaker.
He's created an incredible simulation of being at a really crummy carnival.
[man.]
Here we go.
Win that prize.
[Jonah.]
"Feels good to wear this T-shirt outside the trailer now that everything's in the open.
" Hi.
Hi.
Where you going? Oh, just for a walk.
Mind if I join you? No, not at all.
[grunting.]
[Tom.]
"Sweet freedom.
" - Where's Alex? - Taking a nap.
[Crow.]
"He's pretty hungover.
" - Mm, it's so nice to get away.
- Yeah.
[Jonah.]
What are we running from again? Have you, uh, been with the carnival long? Now, that is not a proper question to ask a lady.
Really, that long? [laughs.]
Yeah.
- What'd you do before that? - [Tom.]
"Had hope.
" I was in the Miss America Pageant.
- Really? - Really, I was.
I was Miss Virginia.
- Hmm.
- [Crow.]
"Don't believe that.
" Well, you're still a beautiful woman.
- Think so? - Mm-hmm.
Then I was a showgirl with Ringling.
My boyfriend was arrested for theft, and I was accused as his accomplice.
They dropped the charges, but still nobody'd give me a job.
Then I met Stoney, and he didn't give a damn about what other people thought.
And I've been here ever since.
[Tom.]
"It's all in my Christian Mingle profile.
" Well, I enjoy working with you.
Hey, how come you're the only man around here who's never made a pass at me? [Jonah.]
"I'm picky.
" Well, it's not because you're not attractive.
[Crow.]
"Or have cold sores or piled up a lot of debt.
" Do you have a lady? [Tom.]
"Gaga or otherwise?" - Yeah, I did.
- "Did"? [Crow.]
"And by 'did, ' I mean 'dead.
'" - Yes.
- [Jonah.]
"Get ready to cry.
" - I was married.
- [Tom.]
"To the sea.
" Her name was Sarah.
She was a beautiful girl.
[Crow.]
"Way hotter than you.
" We did our act together.
[Jonah.]
"I was her beautiful assistant.
" Very happy.
[Crow.]
So when does the death part come? One day she told me that I was gonna be a father.
[Tom.]
This movie has more exposition than The Phantom Menace.
And shortly after that, she was killed in an accident.
[Jonah.]
"They never found the talking chimp that did it.
" - So - [Crow.]
"Anywhoozle.
" Now all I have is Alex.
I know it's none of my business, but isn't it time you forgot? [Jonah.]
"Well, it did happen last week, so no.
" I'm still in love with her.
[Tom.]
"Her ghost, I mean.
" Are you gonna leave the carnival? [Crow.]
"What, and ruin my brand?" Why do you ask that? With an act like Alex, you could make the big-time.
Those things aren't important to me.
What's important is who you are and who you're with.
[Tom.]
"And how much you can bench.
" I've found peace here.
- [Jonah.]
"Sweet freedom.
" - Oh, yeah.
[Crow.]
Oh, I hope he's gonna clean out this car.
It's filthy.
Yeah.
[Tom.]
Why, it's Missy O'Shea, the Girl in the Car! [engine sputtering.]
[Jonah.]
Grand Theft Auto: Chimp City.
[Tom.]
Forget about that.
Where's Missy O'Shea? [Crow.]
Guys, let's not jump to any conclusions.
Sure, she's a girl in a car, but is she the girl in the car? [Jonah.]
The Chevelle was an underrated muscle car.
[Tom.]
"Oh, midnight chili, never again.
" [Jonah.]
Paramount Pictures presents Every Which Way But Why? [Crow.]
The weird thing is, she's dreaming she's in a car driven by a chimp.
[upbeat twangy music.]
Pretty girl.
[horn honking.]
[Tom.]
Mad Max: Furry Road.
[Crow.]
So, Jonah, he's endangered the lives of two people just now.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, but it's an ape, so it's cute.
Turkey.
[Tom.]
"Ah, bees! Bees and hornets! Bees and hornets!" Oh, Timmy, I'm trying to sleep.
[Jonah.]
"Can you turn off that banjo?" Sweet dreams.
[Crow.]
Does she not have a spine? Timmy, could you get me my hot dog? [Jonah.]
Hot dog for breakfast? [Tom.]
Well, they're carnies, after all.
[Alex.]
Yeah.
Timmy.
[screaming.]
[Crow.]
"Ah, whatever, just leave me a good Uber rating.
" Oh, my God.
[Tom.]
"I'm a chimp driving a car, and even I'm bored with this.
" What did you do to Timmy? [Jonah.]
"Police cars don't work on grass.
" [Tom.]
"Unless you got power!" [cackling.]
Please, stop! Sheriff Reece calling all cars, calling all cars.
Chasing a ghost car.
I repeat a ghost car.
Do you copy? - [Crow.]
"Uh " - Sheriff, this is Bobby Joe.
Did you say a ghost car? Ten-four.
A ghost car, you ninny.
Didn't have no driver.
Wasn't nobody behind the wheel.
It's out of control.
Sheriff, have you been drinking again? Ten-four.
Where are you, boy? Valley Road and Maple, Sheriff.
Well, he's coming your way, and you better stop him, and I mean get him! [Crow.]
Rainn Wilson as Sergeant Mark David Chapman.
[Tom.]
"I'll just gingerly leave the scene of this other crime.
" [siren wailing.]
[Jonah.]
"Why am I not swinging from a tree right now?" [Tom.]
"I'm Missy O'Shea, damn it.
" [Crow.]
"Why did I turn down that Fulbright?" [Bobby Joe.]
Sheriff.
Calling Sheriff Reece.
It's not a ghost car, Sheriff.
Well, what is it, then, if it's not a ghost car? [Jonah.]
"It's just Randy Quaid and his wife again.
" It's kind of a King Kong, Sheriff.
Ten-four.
King Kong? What's a King Kong? An ape kidnapping a beautiful girl.
Hush your mouth, boy.
I'm serious here.
[tires squealing.]
[Crow.]
"Breaker, breaker, we got a Carnival Magic in progress.
" [Tom.]
"Uh, Carnival Magic? What's that?" [Crow.]
"That's when a second-rate producer has access to a carnival, so he writes a script in three days and pays all his actors in beer and cheese sticks.
" [Tom.]
Oh, right, and he pads out the movie with footage of sad children and a car chase that does nothing to further the plot but makes the movie long enough so that way he can can run it in theaters.
" [Crow.]
"Uh-huh, and it gets buried in a vault for years until mad scientists make a TV show where they force poor jerks to watch it, thus giving it a second life its makers never truly intended.
" [Tom.]
"Yeah, exactly, Carnival Magic.
" [Crow.]
"Well, why didn't you say so?" [Tom.]
"That's the Carnival Magic routine.
Y'all come back now, you hear?" [Jonah.]
Wouldn't be a car chase if it didn't affect the life of a local farmer and his family.
[Tom.]
Missy O'Shea as the Girl Outside the Car.
[chuckling.]
Miss, are you okay? Oh, God.
[Crow.]
Okay, Alex.
We we got the shot.
That's a wrap, okay? We're cutting away.
Alex? Alex? Alex? - Yuck.
- [Crow.]
Alex? [Tom.]
"Funny, right?" [Tom.]
"I know it's wrong to hate an animal, but I'm in a sort of Elmer Fudd-Bugs Bunny emotional quagmire with this chimp, and I can't help but feeling resentful that a servant of the community such as myself is constantly being bested by a celebrity primate who is the toast of the town.
And don't you think it's pathetic that the tow truck driver won't even let me sit in the truck? And the camera keeps rolling and recording my failure! Oh, God!" [upbeat music.]
[Max.]
The Iron Butterflyis Kinga's tethered surveillance drone that polices the space above the dark side of the moon.
It's actually made of aluminum, and it's not really a butterfly.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Alex.]
Come on.
[Crow.]
I guess this counts as Alex's community service? [Tom.]
"Four, five, six, seven.
- Oh, that's a new record.
" - What are you doing? [Jonah.]
"Yeah, come on, this'll decide who descended from who.
Come on! Come on!" Yeah, come on.
[Alex vocalizes.]
[Tom.]
And WrestleMania is born.
- [Crow.]
Rip his arms out! - [Tom.]
Chew his face.
That's it.
[Jonah.]
"I can come back.
" Ooh, look at that.
[Crow.]
Don't do it.
It's one of his tricks.
That's his poison hand.
That's it.
That's it.
[Jonah.]
"Still uncomfortable.
" [Tom.]
What does it say about someone when they're wearing less clothing than their chimp? Yeah.
[grunting.]
[Jonah.]
"Seems safe.
" Hey, you're too much.
Come here.
Come here, baby.
[Crow.]
"My turn.
Pull my arms out of their sockets.
" - Want to fight.
- Come here.
Mm.
Want to scratch.
[Tom.]
Again, Alex isn't funny or cute, just terrifying and clear in his desire to cause harm.
Now, don't be too nice to him.
He's on six months' probation for driving without a license.
[laughs.]
[Jonah.]
Oh, she's rubbing his belly.
[Crow.]
So are we done here? - Where's he going? - I don't know.
But you better not get in any trouble.
[Tom.]
"Sweet freedom.
" [Crow.]
"Whew, tough day at the office.
Sorry I missed dinner, hon.
Had to wrestle Markov for three hours.
" You guys are really something.
[Jonah.]
"I mean nothing.
" Just, uh, different.
But we're all different in our own way, I guess, aren't we? - Sure.
- [Tom.]
That's one way to put it.
[Jonah.]
How do you keep a dirt floor clean? [Crow.]
I don't know.
Give up? [Tom.]
Yakov Smirnoff? [grunting.]
Pretty.
[Crow.]
Alex the Chimp as you've never seen him In Glen or Glenda.
Odd stuff.
Bud is not a proper name for a pretty girl.
[chuckles.]
Ellen is my name.
[Jonah.]
"Dumb hats are my game.
" Stoney started calling me Bud when Mom ran off.
She just wasn't carny, you know? She didn't love it like the rest of us do.
[Tom.]
"I mean, who could resist all this?" People tell me I favor her, though.
[Crow.]
"Uh, I'm still on that ape-wrestle high.
" [groans.]
[Jonah.]
Alex has no sense of personal boundaries.
[Tom.]
Oh, right, it's a plush Abraham Lincoln.
He loved her more than anything else in the world.
[Crow.]
"Sorry, just took a Klonopin.
" [Bud.]
I don't know.
I don't think he's trusted another woman since she left.
I-I think that's why he started calling me Bud, you know, his buddy.
[Jonah.]
And his favorite drink.
Stoney's living in the past.
He's got to start living in the present.
[Tom.]
"You know, wear a Fitbit, find his Chi, use a neti pot, eliminate salt, go paleo.
" - Now, that's interesting.
- [Bud.]
What? [Jonah.]
"The only food that doesn't rot is honey.
" You know, somebody said almost that same thing to me not too long ago.
[Crow.]
"Now Alex is trying on her clothes.
" But it is true.
You can't continue to live Stoney's life for him.
[Tom.]
"You'll never maintain that much fat.
" You're a young lady.
[Jonah.]
"Your hat is too big, and his hat, too small.
You feel me?" [Crow.]
"There's no logical reason I should be attracted to another species, yet here I am.
" [laughs.]
Some coconuts.
Yeah.
[grunting.]
[Tom.]
Truly Andy Serkis' best work.
[grunts, whistles.]
[Jonah.]
Tea's ready.
[Tom.]
"Freddie!" Oh, Alex.
Hello.
Good-bye.
Alex.
Alex, come back here.
[Crow.]
"I knew I should have locked my tent.
" - Ellen, look.
- What's that, Alex? [Jonah.]
"I'm sitcom mad.
" For young lady.
[chuckles.]
What's with him? [Tom.]
Alex the insatiable.
[Alex laughing.]
[Crow.]
Whoa, male VPL.
Patient zero.
Markov, hey, you got a minute? [Jonah.]
"Actually, I was about to commit seppuku, but I can wait.
" Oh, sorry.
I didn't know you were busy.
What is it, David? [Crow.]
"How did you know it was me?" Oh, I just wanted you to see these ads I did.
I think that they're the best I've ever done.
Stayed up all night working on them.
Yeah, I know.
What do you mean you know? How do you know? Saw your lights on.
[Tom.]
"Why, Markov, I can't stay mad at you.
I think I love you.
" They're very good.
Hey, that's terrific.
Alex, what do you think of these? Here, take a look.
- Look all right? - Wow.
[Tom.]
"Derivative.
Poor sense of anatomy.
I don't know.
Just tell him I liked it.
" [both laughing.]
He likes them.
[Crow.]
"But keep in mind, they kicked him out of CalArts.
" Thanks.
[Jonah.]
"This is the best part of waking up.
" Hey, Markov, uh I needed to ask you a few personal questions.
It's, uh it's part of my job, okay? Okay.
Uh, aren't you from somewhere in India? Yes, I was raised by Buddhist priests in Nepal.
My parents were missionaries.
They were killed by the Japanese.
And I came back to America shortly after the war.
[Crow.]
"You buy that, right?" Have you ever been married? [Jonah.]
"Long story, but if you rewind the movie a little bit, you'll hear me tell it.
" Don't you have enough? [Tom.]
"Got to feed the beast, Markov.
" Markov, you know, the people are gonna want to know about you.
[Crow.]
Update your Linkedln page.
I mean, you're celebrities now.
It's gonna be tough keeping secrets from them.
[Tom.]
Did he cross the line, master? Just say the word.
I'll do him.
I'll do him good.
- Markov? - [all.]
Polov.
[David.]
Hey, Markov.
Did you hear me? [Tom.]
Do not question Markov's ability to hear.
- Markov hears all.
- What was that? [Jonah.]
"I went back to Nepal for a moment.
" You know what I was thinking? I was thinking maybe something like a, uh, family type of interview for the media.
It's what the public wants, Markov.
There's some things not meant to be shared by the public, David.
Alex and I are the act.
Nothing else matters.
- Markov, you don't - David, please? [Crow.]
Shut your mouth.
Just shut Just shut it.
Just shut it right there.
- Just shut your - Okay.
[Tom.]
"That's a relief.
Now I can let you live.
" Is something else wrong? [Jonah.]
"Maybe my chest area is intimidating you.
" Yeah.
[Crow.]
"Either put on more body jewelry or a shirt.
" - Ellen.
- [Tom.]
Who? Oh, you mean Bud the girl-boy.
If it was meant to be, it will be.
[Jonah.]
"Future's not ours to see.
" You know it takes time for a girl to become a young lady.
[Crow.]
I'm not ready to hear this.
[Tom.]
I am.
Yeah, I know.
What can I do about it, though? [Jonah.]
I'm sure the school nurse has a video you can watch.
Be patient.
[Tom.]
"My dojo's always open.
" [sighs.]
Yeah.
[Crow.]
I've seen mannequins have livelier conversations than this.
Thanks.
I'll talk to you later.
- Yeah.
- See you, Alex.
[Alex.]
Bye, David.
Three weeks ago, I didn't expect to finish the season.
Now I don't think it's gonna ever end.
[Jonah.]
Hubris.
You know, we haven't had a police complaint in two weeks.
I don't know what magic Markov has got, but even the shills have been going straight.
Yeah, they got to wait in line to lose their money.
Nothing's gonna change, just get better.
[Tom.]
"Thanks to the power of The Secret.
" I want a new campaign, maybe buy some TV spots.
[Crow.]
"And a sign spinner.
" Yeah, but they're expensive.
You got to spend money to make money.
We are talking about miracles.
In all my days, I've never seen anything like this.
- [Jonah.]
Deodorant? - It's insane.
Here, look, look.
A company sent this on spec.
Now, if Markov likes it, they'll promote the heck out of it, and there are lots of others.
You're gonna more money once the season's over than you did in the past ten years.
I know.
Bud will like that.
- Hey, where is Bud? - Oh, with Markov somewhere.
[Crow.]
"This doll's my reward for a lifetime of toil.
" [Tom.]
Holiday road [Jonah.]
My two BJ and the Bear dads.
[Alex grunting.]
It's amazing how animals relate to you.
[Crow.]
"Two words: cattle prod.
" It's not really difficult to understand.
I just think of them as children.
We all are, really.
It's when we become adults that things become complicated.
In what way? [Jonah.]
"Long division.
" - We lose a child's - [Tom.]
Boogers.
Innocence, their ability to believe totally in something.
[Crow.]
"Like wrestling?" Yeah, but we can't be children forever.
We have to grow up eventually.
[Tom.]
"Nuh-uh.
" Yeah, but you don't want to lose that child's imagination and faith.
[Jonah.]
"Though you could lose that giant novelty baseball cap.
" Ellen, be in touch with yourself.
I'm not special.
I just refuse to be less than I can be.
[Tom.]
Markov's the cool RA.
I'm glad you're here.
Me too.
[all.]
Shut up, Alex! [Jonah.]
"I love these little trips into town to get more monkey chow.
" [Crow.]
Meanwhile, yesterday Hi, how you doing, Stoney? Hi.
[Jonah.]
Keep moving.
Hi, son.
Beer? - Oh, no, thanks.
- [Tom.]
"Sober ten years.
" Hey, uh, you know, I was wondering, they got a bowling alley down in town, and thought you might like to go down there with me.
Um, I think you thought wrong.
I don't really feel like it now.
That's a Martin for you.
[Crow chuckles.]
"We're jerks.
" Make up our minds, ain't nothing gonna change them.
Come on, son, have a beer.
- Oh, no, thanks.
- [Jonah.]
"One day at a time.
" I tell you, the Rossiters have a family trait, too.
Never give up unless you're gonna lose and then bow out gracefully.
- I'll see you.
- Wait a second.
Um I said I didn't want to go bowling.
I didn't say I didn't want to go out with you.
How about skating? [Tom.]
"Huh? B-b-b-but he don't wear a hat.
" You never skated before.
Well, there's always a first time for everything.
[Jonah.]
"But you're a Martin.
You got weak ankles.
" Sure.
Okay.
Well, don't wait up.
[Crow.]
"Don't wait up? It's 10:00 a.
m.
" - [Tom.]
There goes a Martin for you.
- [Crow.]
Classic Rossiter.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
Breaker, breaker, Trooper T.
Robot.
Trooper Servo here.
I got a King Kong doing four half-a-Bo Dereks! That's CB jargon for an ape doing 20 over the limit.
Can't help you.
I've got a midlife Frosted Flakes creep-out.
"A midlife Frosted Flakes creep-out"? What are you talking about? Yeah, a midlife Frosted Flakes creep-out.
That's a weird old guy in a hairpiece bothering a bunch of tigers.
Well, use the King's English! Look out, just got a call about a Tropicana Winnebago Bonzo.
Huh? "A Tropicana Winnebago Bonzo"? Yeah, a Tropicana Winnebago Bonzo! A chimpanzee pouring orange juice in a ratty trailer.
Now the squawk box says there's a half-ring Ogilvy with a cardinal-top Ben Button.
"A half-ring Ogilvy with a cardinal-top Ben Button"? You best explain what that is.
You know, a half-ring Ogilvy with a cardinal-top Ben Button.
When the PR man from a low-rent carnival hits on your daughter whose age you're not sure of because she's wearing a red baseball cap? Well, why didn't you say so? I did, you slow-brain.
Hey, you ever call in a syrup-covered case of Rolling Rock? "A syrup-covered case of Rolling Rock"? Let me think on that.
No, never did call in a syrup-covered case of Rolling Rock.
What, pray tell, is a syrup-covered case of Rolling Rock? Stoney Martin's breakfast.
- Oh! - [laughing.]
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Movie sign, movie sign.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
"Your come-hither little league look's really doing it to me.
" Hey, what made you change your mind? Well, that's what you wanted, isn't it? Sure it is.
[Crow.]
"Well, then shut up, then.
" I've been thinking a lot about you lately.
I just needed some time to figure everything out.
I'm glad you did.
So am I.
[Jonah.]
"You should take the keys.
I've been drinking all morning with Dad, and I shouldn't be driving.
" Hey, um, do we have to go skating? What'd you have in mind? [Tom.]
"Bowling.
" Well, we've never really had any time to talk.
- Okay.
- [Crow.]
"Take me to the talking rink.
" [Jonah.]
"Just, uh, move that hot plate.
Technically you're sitting in my kitchen.
" [Tom.]
Roads? Where we're going, nobody cared enough to build roads.
[Jonah.]
Wait.
No, guys, that's a cliff.
Guys, don't drive off a cliff! [all imitating explosion.]
[Crow.]
But their remains nourished this mighty oak.
What are your plans after the season is over? I don't know.
I-I think I'm going home.
[Tom.]
"Probably see my wife and kids.
" Hey, just for a visit.
[Jonah.]
Watch out for snakes.
So where's home? It's originally around here, but, uh, Dad moved us up to New England about ten years ago.
Have you ever been up north? No.
It is really beautiful.
- They got, uh - [Tom.]
"Plumbing.
" Skiing in the winter.
[Crow.]
"Skiing in the summer, skiing at suppertime.
" I've never even seen the snow.
Oh, gosh, it's gorgeous.
Then you have foliage in the fall, summer green, Cape Cod.
[Jonah.]
My favorite season is Cape Cod.
Well, if you liked it so much, how come you left? [Tom.]
"I'm not sure if you know what a restraining order is, but " Well, ever since I can remember, my father was trying to run my life.
He's tried to tell me where I should work, what I should wear.
[scoffs.]
He even tried to pick my wife for me.
[Crow.]
Well, that's Sharia law for you.
I didn't know you were married.
No, I'm not married.
Never did get married.
[Jonah.]
"Classic fake-out.
Huh.
" My father, he, uh He's got the largest PR firm in the east.
[Tom.]
"Uh, don't look it up.
" It was gonna be Rossiter and Son.
And you left all that for this carny? Yeah 'cause I wanted to be my own man.
I understand.
[Crow.]
Honey, this is not working for you.
[Tom.]
She's a girl? You know, it's it's funny.
Um we've known each other for a long time, except we really don't know very much about each other.
[Jonah.]
"Yeah, that's the plan.
" Yeah.
We're getting to know each other.
[Tom.]
Through a process known as osmosis.
I'm not gonna go anywhere.
[Crow.]
Jonah, is this skating? [Jonah.]
Uh, yeah, tongue skating.
[Tom.]
Ugh.
I don't have a tongue, so that's good.
[Jonah.]
Uh, don't worry about it, then.
[knocking at door.]
[Tom imitating hydraulics whirring.]
- Oh, hey, Markov.
- David, Ellen.
Hey, Markov, this is Dr.
Poole.
[Crow in German accent.]
"Nice day.
I'm not a Nazi.
" Yes, sir, what is it? I saw your show a month ago, and in Alex, I think I may have found something I've been searching for for years.
[Jonah.]
"Love.
" [Poole.]
A possible link between humansand other primates.
- Alex? - He's serious.
I'm not saying that he is the link.
I'm just saying that there are possibilities science can't overlook.
[Crow.]
"What's science?" Well, what exactly is it that you want? We'd like to take him to the Institute to study him.
- [David.]
Hey, that would be news.
- David.
Why? What's the harm? I mean, think of the publicity.
Is that all you ever think about? Markov, don't listen to him.
What did I say? Look, Alex is not just some thing, okay? He's more human than a lot of people, and he's vulnerable.
That's exactly why Markov has been hiding him, so no one would exploit him.
We are not going to do him any harm.
We'd just like to study him for a few weeks.
I am authorized by the Institute to allocate funds.
Well, money's, uh, not important.
I'd let you study him here.
We need the equipment that's at the laboratory.
Markov, if Alex is as unique as I think he is, you have an obligation to science.
It's not possible.
You don't understand.
I wasn't planning on leaving here without him.
[Tom.]
"Oh, well, in that case, take him.
" There's nothing more to say.
You got no choice, Doctor.
Sorry.
[Crow.]
"But my mandibular molars.
" I see.
Well, thank you for your time.
[Jonah.]
Did he just pitch them a Planet of the Apes sequel? [children laughing and screaming.]
[circus music.]
[Tom.]
"Just a couple more rides to cheer me up.
Not getting a monkey isn't going to ruin this day at the carnival.
Excuse me, post.
" - Poole, have you got a minute? - [all exclaim.]
I think I can make it worth your while.
I have no time.
Then you mustn't want Alex bad enough.
Who are you? I'm Kirk Wilder.
[Jonah.]
"From Sha Na Na.
" I'm this Well, I was this fleabag'sbiggest attraction until Markov.
[Crow.]
"And his life partner, Alex.
" You want the chimp? You're looking at the guy who can get him for you.
When? That depends on how much it's worth to you.
[Tom.]
Okay, it wasn't that good of a scene.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm now going to demonstrate thought transference with Alex.
Alex, if you please.
[grunting.]
[Jonah.]
"Sweet freedom.
" Alex is going to pass among you.
[Crow.]
"I've gone blind!" You select items for your person [Tom.]
"And chat with Sean Astin.
" [Markov.]
give them to Alex, and I will identify them.
Could we have absolute silence? [blows raspberry.]
[Crow.]
And there's rock bottom.
- [Markov.]
Alex - [Jonah.]
Don't work blue.
- Okay.
- [laughter.]
Now, is there anyone in the audience who would hold up a bill, please? [Tom.]
"Or a welfare check?" Dollar bill would be fine.
Please give it to Alex.
[Jonah.]
"All right, I'm trusting you this time, Alex.
" All right, sir, thank you.
Alex? Hmm? Give me the last four serial numbers on that bill.
Mm-hmm.
Ready.
Oh, six [Tom.]
Tigers sleeping Five [Crow.]
Chimps a-driving - Two.
- [Jonah.]
Disco carnies [grunting.]
[laughter.]
B.
Oh, six, five, two, B.
- Is that right, sir? - Hey, that's right! [Tom.]
"My brain hurts.
" [Jonah.]
"Excellent.
" [Crow.]
"Thank you, you trashy '70s people.
" Alex, have you forgotten something? [Tom.]
"My birth parents.
" [grunting.]
No.
Give the man back his bill.
- Rats.
- [light laughter.]
He has a very short memory when it comes to money.
[Jonah.]
Ha.
The classic stereotype of a greedy chimp.
[Crow.]
"All right, this next trick involves two Slim Jims.
" [metal clanking.]
[Jonah.]
"Things just got real.
" [Tom.]
"Well, that didn't work.
" [Crow laughs.]
"All right, what am I?" [imitating engine revving.]
I am man [Tom.]
"Hear me roar.
" possessed of will.
[Jonah.]
"And the demon Abraxas.
" You are steel with none.
[Crow.]
Yeah, sick burn.
[Markov.]
I will you to bend.
[Tom.]
This is a metaphor for every one of Markov's relationships.
[Jonah.]
"Mmm, delicious.
I love corn.
" [Crow imitating drums.]
[Jonah chanting gibberish.]
[Tom, high-pitched voice.]
Deus Sanctus Dominus [Crow.]
"Is this gonna have anything to do with a monkey?" [dramatic music.]
[Tom imitating whiny grunting.]
[Crow.]
"Duh " [Tom.]
All right.
This is taking too long.
Let me let me help.
Let me just get up there.
Hey, what gives? [Jonah.]
She's actually doing this with her mind.
[applause.]
[Tom.]
"Now make a bunny.
" [laughs.]
[upbeat music.]
[Max.]
Okay, good.
Markov started to write some jokes for Alex, which is a smart move, because he's a talking monkey! You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Crow.]
"Thank you.
That took five years off my life.
" The strength is within all of you [Jonah.]
Ah, ah! Get it out! Get it out! Get it .
.
even the weakest.
[Tom, silly voice.]
"He's talking about me.
" Sir, you look like a very strapping young man.
Could I have your help, please? [Crow.]
"And bring your jumper cables.
" Thank you, sir.
[Jonah.]
Are they just live-streaming Markov's act? - Yes, you'll do fine.
- Okay.
Alex, would you hand the man a bar, please? How about this? Uh, no, Alex, not a candy bar.
[Tom.]
"You're ruining the act.
Now get in your cage.
" A steel bar.
[Crow.]
"From my personal collection.
I have a whole humidor of these.
" Would you bend that, please, sir? You want me to bend this? - Yeah.
- [Jonah.]
"Did I stutter?" Go ahead, use your knee.
[Crow imitates cracking.]
[grunts.]
It's a steel bar.
I can't bend that.
[Tom.]
"You're right.
Nobody can.
Thanks for being part of the show.
" - The candy bar, Alex.
- Told you so.
- [grunts.]
- [laughter.]
Maybe it'll give you a little energy.
[Crow.]
"Thanks for playing the Snickers Steel Bar Challenge.
When there's a hunger inside of you, - ask for a Snickers.
" - How about you, sir? [Jonah.]
"Who? Huh? Me?" Come up and give me a hand.
Yes, you.
[Jonah, silly voice.]
"Free Snickers, here I come.
" Thank you.
Would you try to bend that bar for me, please? [Jonah laughs.]
"Nope.
" Well, he said it's steel.
Well, try.
[Jonah.]
"But Master Yoda says there is no try.
" [Jonah imitating grunting, chuckles goofily.]
Nope.
[chuckles.]
Your name is Clarence.
[Tom.]
Magic! How'd you know that? - [Crow.]
Magic! - Well [Tom.]
"High five okay.
" You're right, Clarence can't bend that steel bar.
[Crow.]
"He's a pathetic wuss.
" But Gus can.
And you're Gus.
[Jonah.]
Uh, see, guys, I told you.
He's Gus.
I knew it the whole time.
[Crow.]
"Gus must kill top official.
" [Tom.]
"No, all I said is, 'Your name is Gus.
'" [Crow.]
"Sorry.
My bad.
" Can Gus bend that steel? I can.
Bend it.
[all chanting.]
Bend the bar.
Bend the bar.
Stare at him.
Stare at him.
[Tom.]
Wait, wait, wait.
Is this a sequel to Scanners? Bend it.
[Jonah.]
Must obey.
[Crow.]
Ow! Ow, stop! - [Jonah grunting.]
- [Crow.]
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Jonah, no! - [Jonah.]
Oh, sorry.
[Tom.]
Wow, those Buddhists made Markov a real jerk.
[Jonah.]
The power of Gus compels me.
[Crow.]
"Really taking your time here, Gus.
" [Markov snaps fingers.]
[Tom.]
"Hey, I blacked out.
Did you make me cluck like a chicken?" [applause.]
[Jonah.]
That's not entertainment.
[Crow.]
I hope they do this for a few more hours and the tape never stops rolling.
[Jonah.]
Should someone be gonging them or ? [laughs.]
That's all right.
Take it home and practice.
- Thank you.
- [laughter.]
[Tom.]
The message is clear.
We are nothing without Markov! [Jonah.]
"See, kids, your old dad's not such a loser after all.
" [chuckles goofily.]
[Crow.]
Hey, did you guys realize this thing takes place at a carnival? [Jonah.]
Oh, I thought it was a sad factory.
[man.]
Kirk Wilder versus the fiercest cats on Earth.
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen [Tom.]
Wow, in between scenes, that carny won the Masters.
Step right up.
Come on, Mommy, let's go see Alex.
[Crow.]
"Okay, but the chain goes back on.
" Is that it? Ye [Jonah.]
Did he get hit in the windpipe? Ah, it's not your fault.
Who can compete with an experience? Well [Tom.]
Back to whipping cats in an empty tent.
[Crow.]
"Thank you, thank you.
And remember, if you can't do it, Gus can.
" [cheers and applause.]
[Tom.]
"Help, I glued my hands together.
" [Jonah.]
"Come ride the Tilt-a-Hurl!" [Crow.]
"Bend steel.
Bend steel! Give me the Snickers bar!" [Tom.]
"Wait a minute.
My monkey sense is tingling.
" - [tiger growls.]
- [Jonah.]
"Damn tiger shot me.
" Hey, Markov.
Markov, quick.
Please, come here and help.
It's Kirk.
He's in trouble, man.
- Markov, be careful.
- [Tom.]
She's nude.
- Sahib! - [Crow.]
"Bad kitty.
Well, I'm done here.
" Stay.
Stay, Sahib.
[Jonah.]
"Okay.
" [Markov.]
Stay.
[Tom.]
"Offsides.
" [gasps.]
Don't move, Kirk.
[Crow.]
"Let me finish emasculating you.
" [Markov.]
Stay, Sahib.
[Jonah.]
"My bra's missing.
" - You don't fear me.
- [Sahib growling.]
[Tom.]
"I don't fear anybody.
I'm a tiger.
" [Crow.]
Oh, well, now I miss the baseball cap.
[Markov.]
Markov's your friend.
[Tom.]
"He bloodied my ruffles.
" [grunts.]
[tense music.]
Stay.
[Jonah.]
"Gus likes to stay, and you're Gus.
" [Sahib growls.]
Stay.
[Crow.]
"Whatever.
" [Jonah.]
"Back down, bro.
" [Tom.]
"I reject your all-encompassing love.
" [Crow.]
"Hey, that's traveling.
" [Jonah chuckles awkwardly.]
"Nice kitty.
I'd I'd stay, but I'm allergic to claw attacks.
" [Tom.]
"Now I'll go put on some clothes.
" [Crow.]
"I didn't mean any of it.
I hate you.
" [Jonah.]
"Goal!" [Tom.]
"Markov, one.
Tiger, zero.
" - What happened? - [Crow.]
"I suck.
" Careless.
Well, we're sure lucky that Markov was around.
[Jonah.]
Markov, Markov, Markov! Yeah, lucky.
[David.]
Hey, I got to get going.
TV crew will be here soon, and we're making the networks.
You tell it straight.
Maybe you ought to take a vacation.
Why? 'Cause I tripped? [Tom.]
"On a tiger?" I don't carry that much insurance.
Never bothered you when I was this fleabag's biggest draw.
It's his fault.
Look what the hell you did to my billing.
You can't force people to come to see what they don't want.
[all.]
Oh! That's news to Markov, right, Bud? My name is Ellen.
Since when? [Crow.]
"Since Tuesday night.
" I think she looks great, too.
Whose idea was this, Markov's? - Or Alex's.
- [Tom laughs.]
"Kill me.
" [Bud.]
It was my own, or aren't I allowed? - Get out of that dress.
- [Jonah.]
Fashion police.
Hey, that's not fair.
Ellen's a woman now.
You stay out of this.
And you're Bud.
And that's that.
[Tom.]
"Markov said I was Gus.
" I'm sure Markov's found out she's a woman.
He has never touched me.
Oh, yeah? What about this Romeo? I'm gonna tell you something, man.
[Jonah.]
"Love to know.
" One of these days, somebody's gonna shut your mouth.
- [Tom.]
"Not me, but someone.
" - Come on, David.
[Crow.]
"Yeah, someone huge with a terrible temper.
The nerve of that guy.
Someday somebody will finally stand up to him.
" [Tom.]
If you like piña coladas [imitating crying.]
Getting caught in the rain If you're not into yoga [imitating sobbing.]
And you have half a Stoney.
[Jonah.]
"Somebody need a creepy hug?" Stoney, what are you doing to yourself? [Crow.]
"It's called peeing.
Do you mind?" It's already been done.
Some people just never have any luck.
[Tom.]
Mongo only pawn in game of life.
Like mother, like You can't blame Ellen because she reminds you of her mother.
That's what you've done.
[Tom imitates whining.]
It hurts so much to remember.
Just because she's becoming a woman doesn't mean she's left you.
She needs you.
[chuckles.]
For what? [Markov.]
You're still her father.
[Crow.]
"Says who? The law?" I-I can't help her anymore.
[Jonah.]
"You're everyone's dad now, Markov.
" Then let her help you.
[Tom.]
"Find a polo shirt that fits.
Munsingwear brand works great on big guys.
" Me? - [Jonah.]
"Loser McUn-love?" - How? [Tom.]
Hey, wasn't there a talking chimp in this movie? - Let her keep loving you.
- [Jonah.]
Yeah.
If you hurt Ellen, you'll never find peace again.
[Crow.]
And isn't peace what the life of a carny is all about? Think about that.
It's not too late.
[Jonah.]
It's never too late for Rip Torn.
[Tom.]
"Don't forget what I said about those shirts Munsingwear, you know, the penguin brand.
Perfect for big guys, you know, portly men, like you.
Anyway, I'm gonna go do push-ups with my chimp.
See you, bye!" [doors clanking and whirring.]
Whoa, we got a bogey! Cambot, give me Rocket Number 9! [Crow.]
Whoa, some kind of space circus tent? Ladies, gentlemen, robots of all manufacturers, greetings from P.
T.
Mindslap, proprietor of the Great Space Circus! I'm sorry.
Who may I say is calling? Phinneaus Tiberius Mindslap, ringmaster of a jewel-toned, clockwork Neil Gaiman-esque world of magic and whimsy.
[quirky music.]
Gather round, people, run over and see The most fabulous thing In the whole galaxy I'll sell you all tickets Just give me your dough See the Great Space Circus Show Do you guys want to go? Well, I don't really know Why don't we just binge season two of Fargo? No! The Great Space Circus Show Now here's a great act It's the greatest, in fact A fabulous quartet of a-ca-ro-bats They're called Cirque Du Lune They swing, and they swoon It happens in the darkness When there isn't a moon I guess you just take it On faith that they're there As they glide invisibly Through the dark air Well, who they are really You'll never quite know It's the Great Space Circus Show That would be something to see.
My good man, I agree.
Nah, better to hear my great descriptions aurally.
Now in ring two You'll hear me tell Of strong men possessing An even stronger smell Sniff as they lift with impossible ease You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll possibly sneeze! And that's in the dark, too? He narrates it to you? So really the audience Won't have a clue Well, who you smell, really, You'll never quite know It's the Great Space Circus Show - I'm an easy mark - Let's go sit in the dark Though our problems with your show Are increasingly stark No doubt when it's over, You'll feel like a schmo At the Great Space [all.]
Circus Show [all.]
Oh [exclaims.]
[all breathing heavily.]
- My goodness.
- Where'd he go? I-I'm getting too old for this bit.
What's with all the unauthorized singing? And laughing and dancing And ring-a-ding-dinging Shut up, Max.
Milady, your robots are of the highest level of amusement.
[chuckles.]
And the big hairy guy's fine, too.
I perhaps wonder if you'd part with them for the right price? I get your scam.
It's just a big dark tent you fool people into so they can buy sodas from you at an enormous markup.
[laughs.]
I won't deny we make most of our profit off concessions.
And you want these guys to work in the kitchen as slaves.
You'll never use them in the show, because there is no show.
Oh, yeah, we've seen it a thousand times.
The old "invisible circus kitchen soda-dispensing riff robot for a singing ringmaster who basically just narrates a show in the in the dark caper.
" Can I do that again? No, shut it.
Shut it.
And you! You you can take a hike.
If anyone's exploiting these idiots, it is us.
Fine! Keep your robots.
But this isn't the last you've heard of P.
T.
Mindslap.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Great Space Circus Show! I'll now just turn these lights down.
[audience exclaiming.]
- What did he I just - [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! - Movie sign! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Crow.]
"Carnival Magic.
Day 327.
" [overlapping chatter.]
Just like old times, huh? Nah.
The word's spread.
- I'm the new Wallenda.
- [Crow.]
Huh? They're looking for blood mine.
Don't talk like that.
- I'm gonna sell the act.
- You're leaving? [Jonah.]
"I set the tigers free.
" With you, baby.
But first, there's things I got to take care of.
I'll need your help.
You know I'll do whatever you want.
[Tom and Crow loudly imitating kissing.]
[Crow.]
"Mmm, you kiss almost as good as those tigers.
" - [Tom.]
"What was that?" - [Crow.]
"Got to go.
" [Jonah.]
Just come up from the grotto, Hef? I-I know it's late, but I-I've been giving a lot of thought to what you both said.
[Tom.]
"About Bruno and Borat both being the same guy as Ali G.
" Ellen [Crow.]
"Read me a bedtime story.
" I want to apologize.
[Jonah.]
"For my gene pool, mainly.
" Dad.
I've been a fool for so damn long.
[Tom imitating crying.]
"I've achieved self-awareness.
" But but things are gonna be a lot better now, you'll see.
[Jonah.]
"Should should I should I try and get in on that hug or ?" You're still my little girl? Always.
[Crow.]
"You'll still unplug the tub whenever I fall asleep during my bath naps?" [Jonah.]
"Okay, so now it's a group hug or uh, no.
" Only now I'm also gonna be David's wife.
Yeah.
We're engaged.
[Tom.]
"To be engaged.
" E-engaged? [Crow.]
"How long was I asleep?" Congratulate us? [stammers.]
Sure.
You bet.
[Tom.]
Is this the little girll drank with? [chuckles.]
Sure.
[dog barking.]
[Markov.]
Alex has wandered off before, but I just usually look for the commotion.
[chuckles.]
Well, he has to bearound here somewhere.
Who was the last person he was with? Uh, he was with Kim this morning.
[Jonah.]
Markov, one button.
Please, just one.
- Kim.
- [Crow.]
From the carnival? Kim and Alex, why? I don't know.
Why? What's the matter? Kirk never lets Kim go near Alex or me.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Where's Kirk? His cats are gone.
- What? - Kim's clothes are gone.
She's split.
[Tom.]
The cats ate the clothes? Oh, no.
Alex.
[Crow.]
To the Carny-Mobile! [Jonah.]
Oh, the sixth graders made a sign.
[Tom.]
"Make me look beautiful, Doc.
" [Crow.]
Why does a chimp need a robe? Miss Ranya, keep an eye on him.
[Jonah.]
"Actually, use both eyes.
" - We're a nation of hero-worshippers.
- [Tom.]
Sure.
I'm no Salk or DeBakey, and my work is, to say the least, unpopular.
[Crow.]
True.
- Vivisection is a dirty word.
- [Jonah.]
Agreed.
But it is necessary if we're to solve problems that must be solved.
[Tom.]
Huh.
[Crow.]
Can't argue with that logic.
Cut him up! Well, I guess he's all yours, Doc.
[Jonah.]
"Sure I can't interest you in any tigers? Going once? Going twice? Okay.
" [Tom.]
"What kind of monster vivisects tigers?" [Crow.]
I wonder if the clairvoyant, talking chimp will figure out a way to get past the bored nurse.
[grunting.]
[Alex.]
Hmm.
[Tom.]
"Maybe Lipitor is right for me.
" [Jonah.]
He's like MacGyver if MacGyver just had to pick up some keys.
[Crow.]
"Oh, Goofus, why can't you be more like Gallant?" [grunting.]
[Tom.]
Do you hear that? The Mister Softee truck's outside! [Crow.]
Ice cream! Ice cream! [Tom.]
Yay! I want a Choco Taco and a rocket and a Fudgsicle.
[Jonah.]
All right, just one, you guys.
Remember, they're imaginary, okay? Gus would have unlocked this already.
- [lock clicks.]
- Yeah.
[Jonah.]
"Celebrity breakups are interesting.
" [grunting.]
Aah! [Jonah.]
"Ah, the chimp that's been here the whole time!" [Alex.]
Nice nurse.
[Tom.]
Hey, we're back.
What did we miss? [Jonah.]
Ah, not much.
Did you get me anything? [Crow.]
No, they're imaginary.
- What's the matter? - It's Alex.
He's loose.
[Tom.]
Never fear, Doogie Howser is here.
- See for yourself.
- Okay, I can take care of this.
But, look, you better go get some help.
[Crow.]
"I can't take care of this!" He couldn't have gone far.
I wouldn't be surprised if he was just hiding, playing games.
[Jonah.]
"I can't think with my clothes on.
" I had a feeling this morning [Tom imitates blues riff.]
that Alex was in pain [Tom imitates blues riff.]
and afraid.
[Tom.]
Lost monkey blues.
No one could've stolen him.
[Jonah.]
As a carny, I assume the best of everybody.
No carnival would take the chance at using him.
[Crow.]
"He's actually not very good.
" Why don't you get some rest? It ain't helping none just worrying about it.
Besides, you got a show tonight.
- There'll be no show.
- [all.]
What? - [Crow.]
Come on.
- But you got to.
What do we tell the people? [Alex grunting.]
[Tom.]
"I sense Alex is somewhere getting wacky.
" [Crow.]
Not the mama! Not the mama! Not the mama! [Jonah.]
I think we can call a winner in the battle of nerd versus chimp.
- What's going on? - [Tom.]
Hey, Run the Jewels! - [Jonah.]
"From the top rope.
" - [screaming.]
[Crow.]
Have we stumbled into a Japanese game show? [Alex screaming.]
[Tom.]
Got an unruly monkey? Call the Harlem Globetrotters! [Crow.]
"Don't hurt him.
We need to cut him up later.
" [all.]
You got to fight - [Tom imitates bass thumping.]
- [all.]
For your right - [Tom imitates bass thumping.]
- [all.]
To party [Jonah.]
"Get your hands off me, you damn dirty humans.
" [Poole.]
Hold him.
I'll sedate him.
[Crow.]
Jonah, can you get PTSD from a movie? [Jonah.]
Probably.
[Tom.]
Law and Order: Carnival Crimes Unit.
[Crow.]
Dun-dun.
Hi, Sheriff.
- Hi, Shorty.
- [Jonah.]
Hate crime.
Hey, Stoney.
Got any news? No, not a clue, but we're working on it.
Whoever took Alex sure is keeping it quiet.
[Crow.]
"On the DL, as it were.
" - How's business? - Can't you see? [Tom.]
"Clearly now the rain is gone?" See what you mean.
[Jonah.]
"Where's that pizza man? This stuffed crust better be worth the wait.
" [Crow.]
"Yeah, at least I've still got plenty of juicy Big League Chew.
" Oh.
Darn it! [knocking at door.]
[Tom.]
Candy gram.
[Jonah.]
"That you, tigers?" - Kim? - [Kim.]
Yes.
[Crow.]
Can anybody button their shirt in this movie? What took you so long? The store was crowded.
I had to wait in line.
[Tom.]
"Okay, your story checks out.
" [Jonah.]
"Wait a minute.
This is cooking sherry.
Oh, what the hell? I'm on the lam.
" Anyone recognize you? [Tom.]
"One guy called me Amy Adams, and I didn't correct him.
" I don't think so.
How much longer we gonna have to hang around this dump? [Jonah.]
"Booze, do your stuff.
" I told you till things cool down.
When's that gonna be, next year? What's the matter You don't like my company? It's not that.
[Jonah slurping.]
I just don't understand.
I mean, you sold the cats.
You got your money from Poole.
I don't see why we don't just buy a car and head for Vegas.
Kim, Alex was a celebrity in these parts.
It's almost like we kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
Who's Lindbergh? - [Crow.]
"Oy, these millennials.
" - Dumb broad.
Didn't you ever go to school? I don't even know why I bother with you.
[Tom.]
This used to be my playground Used to be [dramatic music.]
[sighs.]
I failed you, Alex.
[Crow.]
"Just like all the other apes I lost.
" You needed me, and I failed you.
[Jonah.]
"Now who'll clean my trailer?" Markov the Magnificent.
[Tom.]
"That's what I'll call myself.
" He's gonna be Markov the Chump without a chimp.
What do you mean? Are they gonna hurt him? [Crow.]
"Or is this one of those pain-free vivisection monkey clinics we've been reading about?" They're gonna do more than that.
[Jonah.]
Starting to think Kirk is the bad guy.
- Are they gonna kill Alex? - [Kirk laughing.]
Are they? Where is he? Where is he? [whimpers.]
Aah! [Tom.]
"Now let's rewind and see what Kirk could have done differently.
" [Crow.]
"So Ruby Tuesday's after work?" [Tom.]
"Reading my mind, boss.
" [Poole.]
Increase dosage 50ccs per shift.
It's as if he's willing himself to die.
[all.]
We'll have what he's having! - [Jonah laughs.]
- [Ranya.]
We're not his friends.
Perhaps if we Miss Ranya, I don't know how they practice medicine or conduct research in India.
- [Tom.]
Burn.
- But Alex is just an animal.
Now, we've learned all we can from these tests.
Tomorrow we'll put him to sleep for organ dissection.
- [Tom.]
"And tonsillectomy.
" - Yes, Doctor.
- Good night.
- Good night, Doctor.
[Jonah.]
"So are you doing the Ruby Tuesday's thing or, uh ?" [Crow.]
"Can I come, too?" Dr.
Poole? Is it really necessary? [Jonah.]
"My fake accent?" Yes, it is.
You mentioned to Miss Ranya that Alex is just an animal.
[Tom.]
"In the sack.
" You don't really believe that, do you, Doctor? Are you questioning my motives? If so, Livingston, your services, although skillful, may no longer be required.
I've worked with primates for years, Doctor.
I think you're making a serious mistake.
You still have a great deal to learn.
Good night.
[Jonah.]
Suddenly, Seymour [phone ringing.]
[Tom.]
His jammies match the phone.
Smooth.
[Crow.]
It's the producers telling him to unbutton his shirt.
Who the hell is this? [Kim.]
Stoney? - This is Kim.
- [Tom.]
Kardashian? Listen, Kirk's drunk.
He's gone crazy.
- He knows where Alex is.
- Where where's Alex? [Jonah.]
How many people do you think she called before she gave up and called Stoney? [Tom.]
Police, fire department, animal control.
[Crow.]
TMZ, Empire carpet cleaners, the bartender at the Triple Rock.
[Tom.]
Baby holding a phone, that voice that tells what time it is.
She even called Kirk.
[Crow.]
And when he was busy, she called Stoney.
Hurry, please! [Jonah.]
When you need carnies, and they positively, absolutely have to be there overnight [upbeat music.]
[Max.]
You're watching Carnival Magic on MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
It's 200 degrees below zero outside.
[Crow.]
Well, that's it for gas.
We're gonna have to hoof it from here.
Kim? [Tom.]
Nosferatu? Oh.
- Oh, Kim.
- [crying.]
[Jonah.]
Aw, a happy ending.
What did they do to you? - They're gonna kill Alex! - Who? [Crow.]
Hoo! Hoo! - Where is he? - Kirk knows.
He's in room six in that hotel.
Make him tell you.
They're gonna kill him! Has he got the door? No.
You take care of her.
[Tom.]
"Why did he ask me about the door?" [Jonah.]
"I don't know, honey.
I don't know.
" [Crow.]
"Uh, someone's in here.
" What the hell is going on? - Where's Alex? - Let go! - Where is he? - Let go! - [Jonah.]
Yeah.
- [Crow.]
All right, that's it.
- [Tom.]
Let's get them, boys.
- [Jonah.]
Let's get them! - [Tom.]
That's it, you piece of - [Jonah.]
You come here.
[Crow.]
You piece of garbage.
Come on.
[Tom.]
That's right.
Purple nurple.
- Purple nurple.
Purple nurple.
- [Crow.]
Take it.
Take it.
[Tom.]
Take that purple nurple.
[Jonah.]
Oh, and, Markov, be sure to ask him about Oh, never mind.
- You know where that is? - Yeah, come on.
David, you call the police.
[Crow.]
"Tell them it was carny justice.
" [Tom.]
Three days later [Jonah.]
Wait a minute.
He gave them the carnival's address? A-roo! A-roo! [Crow.]
Carnies assemble! - A-roo! - [Crow.]
Sooey! Sooey! Let's get Alex! A-roo, let's get Alex! A-roo! [Tom.]
Behold, the mighty call of the carny.
See his bright plumage and doughy softness amplify the call.
[Crow.]
All your favorite carny characters with their custom vehicles and accessories.
[all imitating engines revving and sputtering.]
[Jonah.]
"Carny Patrol Security Journal: No carnies.
Another perfect day.
I almost feel bad taking $5.
25 an hour knowing no carnies are ever gonna show up.
I might even knock off early, take in a show.
" [Tom.]
"So are they ever gonna get around to dissecting me or what?" [Crow.]
When you're a monkey that can read and talk and solve sudoku, you're also a monkey that's prone to depression.
[Jonah.]
Sweat Cop, P.
I.
Assignment: Everglades.
[Tom.]
"This is where all my Delta Force training comes in.
" [Crow.]
Okay, I'll interpret.
Quiet.
Come forward.
Duck down.
[Jonah.]
"I'm letting Stoney be the leader for now.
" [Crow shouting.]
"Guys, what do you miss about Alex?" [Tom.]
Shh! Shut up! [Jonah.]
Markov sends his regards.
[Tom.]
When you're a Jet, You're a Jet all the [Crow.]
George A.
Romero's Night of the Living Carnies.
[Jonah.]
You know, I don't remember The Purge being this mellow.
[Crow.]
Seems like at this point, the crouching down is really not necessary.
[Tom.]
Oh, look, Number 75 wore her nice jersey.
[Jonah.]
"Now, listen, I'll go in first, 'cause I got my sneakin' hat on!" [Crow.]
"We'll go through the kitchen.
I'll check the fridge, and you guys check out the rest of the house.
" [Tom.]
Yes, the weak point of so many illegal labs An unlocked screen door.
[Jonah.]
"I smell cotton candy.
" [Tom.]
"I'll take the girl.
You take the plant.
" Where's Alex? Tell me! He's in there.
Markov, he's in here! [Crow.]
"This way, mini David Spade!" [Jonah.]
Whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.
Alex.
[Crow.]
"I didn't realize chimps had so much blood in them.
" [Jonah.]
Rick Moranis in Honey, I Shrunk the Chimp.
[Tom.]
Talking chimp.
Still needs a diaper.
I don't know what's wrong.
He's not responding.
Oh, my God.
Poison.
He must have taken poison.
[Jonah.]
"I knew that.
I knew that.
" [Livingston.]
He's barely alive.
We better get him to Memorial quickly.
[Tom.]
"Markov [coughs.]
you're gonna need to read your own serial numbers from now on.
" I may be able to help him.
[Crow.]
"Or kill him.
" [Tom.]
Stoney's stunt double is here.
[Jonah.]
Love lift us upWhere we belong Where are you taking him? [Crow.]
"I'm gonna miss this little fella.
" You lowlife.
[Tom.]
"Evolution out of my schools.
" [Gypsy.]
They're lucky they booked the only chimp ambulance in the county.
Alex, I don't have the power to make you live.
[Jonah.]
"I could bend you.
" - Aw.
- I can't stop death.
[Crow.]
Thank you.
Finally, Markov's admitting something he can't do.
[Markov.]
If you die [Jonah.]
I don't want to tell Markov how to do his job, but now would be a pretty good time for some carnival magic.
[Tom.]
Dr.
Mark Twain and Nurse Kesha are on the case.
[Crow.]
"Give me 20ccs of whatever brings monkeys back from the dead.
" Please, wait out here.
We're doing everything we can.
[Tom.]
Janice from the Muppets? [somber piano music.]
If only I'd left you and Alex alone.
[Jonah.]
"I suppose that's my one regret in an otherwise impeccable life.
" You can't hold on to your children forever.
[Crow.]
"Marty, we got to go back in time and save this ape.
I gave him 1.
21 amps of chimp-zapping jigowatts.
" [Tom.]
Sorry, heroes of the movie, it's the new characters' time to shine.
[Jonah.]
"Need a beer?" Markov, what's the matter? [Tom.]
He's trying to quantum leap out of this movie.
- [high-pitched tone.]
- We've got a straight line.
I'm getting no [Jonah.]
High-pitched noise is a good thing, right? - [Crow.]
"You dead, too?" - Markov? Try again.
[Jonah grunting.]
[Crow.]
Come on, Markov, use your bend powers.
Bend the EKG lines.
Bend Alex back to life.
This is what those idiot monks taught you! [high-pitched tone.]
[Jonah.]
"He's still a chimp.
" He's gone.
[Crow crying.]
It's not fair, Jonah.
All Alex wanted to do was steal cars and kidnap sleeping women and paw through the underpants of other sleeping women, and now he's dead.
[Tom.]
Where is the justice in that? Where is it? You murderer.
You killed him.
I'm sorry.
His heart couldn't stand the strain.
[Crow.]
Alex just loved too much.
[Tom.]
This started out as a fun family film about a drunk carny and his failing grimy carnival, and now it's ruined! [Jonah.]
"As the resident Mark Twain impersonator, I'd like to say rumors of his death are greatly not exaggerated.
" [Crow.]
"We'll leave you alone with your pet/son/physical trainer.
" [Tom.]
"Boy, that was awkward, especially with that chimp in the mix, huh?" What good are all my powers? [Jonah.]
You're great at making people uncomfortable.
[Tom.]
Crushing the spirits of alcoholic rednecks? [Crow.]
Convincing animals to attack their owners? [Tom, silly voice.]
"So sleepy.
" I wish it had been me.
[Tom imitates snoring.]
Monkey dreams.
[Jonah.]
Wait, let me try this.
Alex, you're dead.
But you're also Gus.
And Gus is alive.
[Crow.]
It's working! [Tom.]
You did it, Jonah.
[device beeps.]
[Jonah.]
Oh! I-I just remembered that I'm a man possessing will and that this movie stinks.
[Crow.]
Glad they went for the piano for this scene rather than the Sub Atari beep tones.
[Tom.]
Spielberg totally stole this for E.
T.
[Jonah.]
Now that Alex has been given a second chance at life, I hope he does something truly meaningful with it and just doesn't go back to the carnival.
Oh, he went back to the carny.
[Crow.]
"You're alive? Back to work.
" [grunting.]
[Tom.]
David and Ellen-Bud got married.
[cheers and applause.]
[Jonah.]
Kate went back to school for a degree in smiling.
[Crow.]
Stoney is now Alabama's senior senator.
[Tom.]
Markov got life in prison for criminal intensity.
[Jonah.]
Kim eventually succumbed to disco fever.
[cheers and applause continue.]
[Crow.]
Alex is now a real estate agent in Park City, Utah.
[Jonah.]
Oh, More Carnival Magic? - No! - [Tom.]
Oh, yeah.
Elvin Feltner produced a whole ton of Carnival Magic sequels.
Though when More Carnival Magic finally came out, it was titled 2Magic 2Carnival.
[Crow.]
Mm, huge hit, but nothing compared to the conclusion of the original trilogy, Carnival Magic 3: Return Of The Girl In The Car.
[Tom.]
Then Elvin Feltner kind of lost his way with the prequels.
Alex was played by a CGI monkey instead of a real chimp.
[Crow.]
And nobody really wanted to know the story of how Markov met Alex and how Stoney and Bud got their hats.
[Tom.]
They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that David spin-off movie when he went back home to save his dad's PR company from a hostile takeover by a bigger, eviler PR company.
[Crow.]
Oh, yeah, the whole Carnival Magic shared cinematic universe.
At that point, the whole Carnival Magic movies were just 90-minute advertisements for the Carnival Magic toy lines.
[Tom.]
But just when you thought the carnival magic was gone, they reboot the series with Carnival Magic Begins and remind America why it fell in love with talking chimps and greasy carnies in the first place.
[Jonah.]
I had no idea there were so many of these movies.
[Tom.]
Elvin Feltner asked America a simple question Why couldn't you turn a trailer park into a movie studio? [Crow.]
And the answer was, people only want to spend so much time smack-dab in the path of a dangerous tornado lane.
[Tom.]
True, but there's still something inspiring about it.
A man who said, "If I want to make a movie, I don't need big stars or a lot of money or talent or taste or a sense of basic human decency.
" [Crow.]
All I need is some trailers, an unsupervised primate, and a bunch of unemployed, locally salvaged almost actors.
[Jonah.]
Okay, now I think you're just being sarcastic.
[Tom.]
Unfortunately, Trailer Park Productions' other movies weren't nearly as successful.
[Crow.]
They tried a couple of disaster movies Tornado and The Night the Septic Tank Gave Out.
[Tom.]
And, of course, the romantic comedies Van Rockers and Marriage Bed Above the Driver's Seat.
[Crow.]
I kind of liked the action movies he did Maximum Towage.
[Tom.]
Oh, and don't forget his sci-fi epic.
Cosmic Winnebago of the Fourth Dimension.
[Jonah.]
Guys, were any of these movies real? [Tom.]
Of course not, Jonah.
[Crow.]
I don't even think Carnival Magic was real, and we just watched it.
[Jonah.]
That's a good point.
Did we really watch a movie just now? [Crow.]
And twins.
[Jonah.]
And then Markov became president of the galaxy.
[Crow.]
All hail Markov! - [Tom.]
Everyone in the world - [Crow.]
All hail Markov! [Tom.]
pledge allegiance to Markov.
- [Crow.]
Markov the pure.
- [Jonah speaking Huttese.]
[Tom.]
He will show you the way.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
[Kinga.]
What a day for a parade! We've seen so many troubling things today, Kinga.
[chuckles.]
Ah, here comes "Sad Cop Sitting On His Car.
" Ooh, sad.
Next, "Markov's Shirtless Meditation.
" Viewers, don't look directly at him.
[Max.]
Otherwise he's in your head, changing your name, and making you bend steel.
Next is a float of Stoney's daughter and the oh, PR guy kissing on a log, and here it is, "Creepy First Kiss.
" [Kinga.]
Here's "Alex Terrorizing Orderlies In a Motel Room Made Up Like a Hospital.
" And fun fact, three people were killed filming that scene.
Ooh, please ignore that, since you didn't see anything because it doesn't exist.
[both laugh.]
And here yes, here it is.
Here comes the iconic scene.
"Man In Brown Shirt Gets Talked into Playing Carnival Game.
" So iconic.
And could the parade end any other way? - The final float - Oh.
[Kinga and Max.]
"Stoney Martin Passed Out Drunk.
" Just the way I remember.
- [Kinga.]
Kids love this one.
- Oh, yeah.
[Kinga.]
And that's the parade.
From all of us here at Moon 13, a hearty "so long, suckers.
" [laughing, sighs.]
Push the button, Max.
[upbeat jazzy piano music.]