Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e13 Episode Script

1 [chuckles.]
You know, I don't care what movie they throw at us.
It's Christmas, and nothing can get me down.
You know, Christmas is the only time of year I wish I was a person.
Well, come on, boys, let's sing an old-fashioned Christmas carol! - Yeah! - Hey, all right.
Good King Wenceslas looked out On the feast of Stephen And the Christmas guys did shout - At the Justin Bieber - What are you You had to pick the one carol nobody knows the words to.
- [Crow growls.]
- Everybody knows the words to Oh, man.
[screaming.]
My Christmas wish came true.
[machinery whirring.]
[upbeat music.]
[man.]
In the not-too-distant future [man.]
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- [man.]
Next Sunday A.
D.
- [man.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
[man.]
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? [man.]
A distress call came in for him At half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon [Kinga.]
I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - [singers.]
La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Now, keep in mind That Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends [man.]
Robot roll call [together.]
Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow [man.]
If you're wondering How he eats and breathes - And other science facts - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 [all.]
Jingle bells, Batman smells Robin laid an egg Jonah, what does Robin laying an egg symbolize? Uh Easter.
- Oh.
- No, yeah.
- [computer jingling.]
- Oh, the Krampuses are calling.
Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! No, no.
Knock it off.
We're a binge-watching show.
I mean, odds are, nobody's actually watching this on Christmas.
Besides, my marrying Jonah is way more important than observing the Son of Man who came to seek and save that which is lost.
[scoffs.]
Oh, you're still into that? I was kind of hoping you'd change your mind.
Mm, yeah, not happening.
I mean, I don't like it, but I am definitely putting a ring on it.
Now, we've got cake to taste, a color scheme to pick out.
I'm thinking black and darker black.
Thank you, what's-its-face.
Yeah, give me that.
Get out.
Thank you! [sighs.]
I wish Grandma Pearl were here to help.
Well, you've got her clone, Synthia.
I have no strong opinions or feelings about that.
- Initiating hug.
- Wha - [glass shatters.]
- Oh.
I'll return to my nutrient bath now.
[growls.]
Clones are the worst! Jonah! Invention exchange.
It's Christmas, and you give someone a gift.
Once you've opened it, what do you do with the box? Throw it away? That's a huge waste.
Our solution is the Re-Gifter.
Oh, a box! I love it! You shouldn't have.
But what do you do with the other box? It's now useless.
Well, now you take out the outer box and put it right back into the Re-Gifter.
It's perfect for people who don't really want a gift but enjoy opening presents and giving them to someone else.
Hey, Servo, I got a gift for you! Hey, thanks, pal! I, uh I didn't get you anything.
Huh.
The beauty is, we send out ten of them into the wild, and they just keep getting regifted until everyone on the entire planet gets one.
Gets one and then gives one.
Here you go, Jonah.
Merry Christmas! Aw, thanks, Tom.
What do you think, Masters of the Alterniverse? Uh, what do I think? People never having to buy another gift that nobody wants? [laughs.]
I think you just took the profit margin right out of Christmas, sir! Now the holiday's just about bad Christmas songs! Or is it? Introducing Humbug FM, the radio that filters out all sappy Yuletide music and turns it into a screaming, hissing, "Goodwill towards men? I don't think so" cacophony.
- [radio screeching.]
- Oh-ho-ho-ho! It's a 300-decibel mix of howler monkeys, sirens, and vuvuzelas! Annoying? Sure! But it's still better than hearing Wonderful Christmastime again.
Finally we can X out Xmas music.
[chuckles awkwardly.]
Huh? No? Now, we've got a real holiday experiment for you: a Christmas movie with all the fun of hiring a lawyer to deal with your landlord.
Enter the nightmare-fueled Just turn the radio off! - Please.
- [sighs.]
Not please.
As I was saying, enter the nightmare-fueled world of The Christmas That Almost Wasn't.
[chuckles.]
Send them the movie.
Movie in the hole! [liquid gurgling.]
Jonah, I wanted you to have this.
Aw, the Re-Gifter? You shouldn't have.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! - Movie sign! - Oh, my goodness! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
Fire Curtain, the movie! [Jonah.]
Fall in line, kids.
You've been drafted into the cartoon army.
[Crow.]
You know, no two credit sequences are alike.
[Tom.]
This must be what it's like to live inside an Advent calendar.
[Crow.]
Either this movie's dandruff just cleared up, or Saul Bass had to knock off early.
[Jonah.]
If I were a rich man [man.]
There once was A Christmas that almost wasn't [Crow.]
It's Hark! A Vagrant.
[man.]
Almost wasn't, almost wasn't There once was a Christmas [Tom.]
Hey, Santa's visiting It's a Small World.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, the war on Christmas starts earlier every year.
[Crow.]
You bet it does.
Fire the missiles! [Tom.]
Those two-dimensional men and their flying machines! [Jonah.]
Guys, check it out.
This was an early prototype of the first platformer.
[Crow.]
Oh, Prune's gotten way into steampunk this year.
[man.]
wasn't a very nice man at all [Tom straining.]
Ehh, love.
[Jonah.]
Huh, says here this credit sequence just won the Caldecott Medal.
It came with this foil circle.
Are we supposed to attach it to the movie? I'll stick it to Tom.
[Tom.]
Check me out! I finally won something! [Crow.]
Santa sure is nimble, even in heels! [man.]
He tried to stop Christmas [Tom.]
Cool, he found the warp pipe to level nine.
Of course Santa lives in a Hallmark card, but he will visit lesser brands on occasion.
[man.]
But Santa wouldn't [Crow.]
How did Santa's nose get so red? [Jonah.]
Maybe he indulged in a little Christmas cheer.
[Tom.]
Oh, he's so wasted.
Sad, really.
[Jonah.]
Oh, great, here come the reindeer to help enable him.
[Crow slurring.]
"I can drive! Whee!" [Tom.]
"Santa, I'm not mad.
I'm just your AA sponsor!" [Jonah.]
How does this fit into the established Saint Nick mythos? This must be from the pre-Rudolph canon, I'd imagine.
[Crow.]
So Santa leaves him to die clinging to the top of a pointy building? That's cruel.
[Tom.]
Either the title card is in Italian, or we're getting nachos.
[Jonah.]
Oh, wow, Orson Welles in Nazi-occupied France? I didn't see this coming! [Crow.]
Yeah, you're really fretting over that one yard of garland, huh? - Mr.
Whipple? - [Tom.]
"Stop squeezing that tinsel!" [Sam whistling.]
- Mr.
Sam Whipple, hmm? - [Jonah.]
Doctor Who? That's me, all right.
Oh, sir, would you mind handing me that ball? [Crow.]
"And could you possibly sync up my dialogue with my lips, please?" Thank you, sir.
[Tom.]
It's so festive, you'd never know it was once Mussolini's headquarters.
[Jonah.]
"Topol is Santa!" [Crow.]
"Sorry, I don't have any change.
" - I must be seeing things.
- [Jonah.]
"Charles Darwin?" Excuse me, sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus.
[Tom.]
"Are you saying I'm fat?" I am Santa Claus.
And I'm not laughing.
That's what I thought.
I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face.
- [Crow.]
"I'm off the clock.
" - Wait a minute.
Wait a minute! If you are Santa, what are you doing here? You're early.
Aren't you supposed to be up at the North Pole getting the presents ready for the children? - [Jonah grumbles as Santa.]
- Christmas is not coming this year.
What? Not coming? [Crow.]
"Yeah, the holiday's all about Jesus now.
" Who's gonna stop it from coming? Mr.
Phineas T.
Prune.
And he's just the fellow who can do it too.
Did you say Prune? Phineas T.
Prune, the multizillionaire with the pickle face who lives in that big grouchy house over there? - But why? - [Crow.]
The house is grouchy? What's got into him so suddenly? It isn't sudden at all.
He's been out to ruin me and stop Christmas for many a long year now.
Why should he do a thing like that? There's got to be a reason.
Children.
He doesn't like children.
He wants me to stop giving presents to children.
Santa, you couldn't do that.
Oh, you know me better than that, Mr.
Whipple.
Besides, if I stopped giving presents to children, there'd be no reason for me at all.
[Gypsy.]
"I could've been Danny Kaye.
" But this time, he's got me.
[Crow.]
"By the beard hairs.
" I'm licked for sure.
Oh, come on, Santa.
Don't talk like that.
[Tom.]
"You won't get any presents from yourself.
" Oh, good evening, Jim.
Well, the town certainly looks Christmassy, doesn't it? - Yes, it certainly does.
- [Jonah.]
"Who's your weird friend?" I'm going off duty now.
I'm going home to help the kids write their letters to Santa Claus.
[Crow.]
"You know, give them a cop's perspective.
" Would you like them to send Santa your regards? Yes, you do that, Jim.
We're old friends, Santa and I.
[Tom chuckles.]
Just two adult men talkin' about Santa! - Good night, Jim.
- Good night.
[Crow.]
"Thanks, Officer Dracula!" Come on, Santa.
Let's talk this over in my office.
We wouldn't want people seeing you around this early.
[Jonah.]
"It's Labor Day.
" He called you "Counselor," Sam.
Are you a lawyer or something? That's me: Sam Whipple, counselor and attorney at law.
- [Tom.]
"Or something.
" - Now, tell me.
What's our pickle-faced friend got up his sleeve this year? [Crow.]
"Yeah, what's his dill?" Well, years ago, the Eskimos very generously gave Mrs.
Santa and myself some land up at the North Pole, rent-free.
But then last year, Mr.
Prune came up and bought the whole North Pole, including our little plot of land.
You mean he's your landlord now? That's it, Sam.
That's it exactly.
[Jonah.]
Hey, are his parents the Smith brothers? And I owe him a year's rent.
And we haven't got the money to pay it.
Oh, I see.
So it's either you pay the rent, or out you go.
[Tom.]
"Say, you are a lawyer, aren't you?" - [Jonah chuckles.]
- Oh, I wouldn't mind that.
Mrs.
Santa and I could manage, somehow.
- Sit down.
Sit down.
- Thank you.
It's the toys.
[Crow.]
"Oh, that one was made out of popsicle sticks.
It's a bit of a hobby for me.
" It's the toys, you see The Christmas presents I'm worried about.
If we don't pay him, then Mr.
Prune will take all the presents as payment.
So that's his scheme.
No presents, no happy children, no happy anyone, no Christmas.
[Jonah.]
"Total economic collapse.
" Nice fellow, Mr.
Prune.
[Crow.]
Do you even chair, bro? I'm sorry.
Here, use my chair.
[Tom.]
"It's specially reinforced for the bigger gent.
" [chuckles.]
[Jonah.]
"Now I'm the boss, and you're fired!" [laughs haughtily.]
[Crow.]
"Don't break.
Don't break.
Don't break.
- Please don't break.
" - When's the rent due, Santa? Christmas Eve, at midnight.
Doesn't leave you much time, does it? That's why I came all the way down here to find you.
Why me? I'm nobody special.
Years ago, when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter.
So did a million other children.
That's very true.
But you see, Sam, you're the only child who wrote me a letter after Christmas.
You spelled "thank you" with two Ks.
[Tom laughing maniacally.]
"I'm not obsessed with you!" I did? You know, I'd forgotten about that! - [Jonah.]
"At least repressed.
" - Well, I didn't forget.
You even put in a P.
S.
[Crow.]
"I fooled you.
It's a subpoena.
You've been served!" "Dear Santa, if you ever need anything, please call on yours truly.
Samuel Whipple, Esquire.
" [Tom.]
He was a lawyer as a kid? Well, Sam, I'm calling on you now, if you don't mind.
I'm in trouble.
How much do you owe, Santa? - Oh, no, I couldn't.
- Now, now, now.
Come on, Santa.
I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments.
- How much? - Well here's the rent bill.
[Jonah.]
"This is just a folded-up Denny's place mat with dollar symbols drawn all over it.
" [Crow.]
"Eight hundred candy canes a day?" That much? Hmm.
[Tom.]
"You're gonna need one hell of a GoFundMe page.
" [Jonah.]
This is kind of amazing 'cause you never get to see a movie where Santa's hit rock bottom.
[Crow.]
"Maybe I've got a $1-million coin in my Mm, no.
" [Tom.]
Yep, the old destitute-lawyer bit.
Timeless and so relatable.
[Jonah.]
"Here, take all my Enron stock.
" [Crow.]
"This is all I have: my Bazooka Joe comics.
But I've got enough so you can send away for a trick dagger!" Now, don't get me wrong, Santa.
I'm really a good lawyer.
I just keep forgetting to send out bills.
[Tom.]
A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic.
I'm sorry, Santa, but I'm afraid it's a little too steep for me.
We're going over to have a little chat with Mr.
Prune and tell him a thing or two.
- You'll never get in to see him.
- Oh, I'll get in, all right.
I'd like to see him stop me.
[Jonah.]
"By the way, everything since we met has been billable hours.
" [slow music.]
[Max.]
An attorney that's gonna help Santa Claus get out of legal trouble? What could be more festive than The Christmas That Almost Wasn't ? You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Crow.]
Oh, sweet.
He works in a Hobbit house? Come on.
Don't you worry about a thing.
[Tom.]
"The nightlife in Prague is fantastic.
" [dog barking.]
Nice, nice n-n-nice doggy! [Jonah.]
Is this the little-known Christmas movie that John Waters made in the '70s? [Crow.]
The Occupation made it impossible to get good lint brushes.
[all.]
Say hello, Riff.
Good evening, Mr.
Pru - Oh, you're not Mr.
Prune, are you? - No.
[Tom.]
That dog is yelling for his agent.
Yes, I see.
[Jonah.]
"You'd know that if you'd come to the block party.
" Well, nice evening, isn't it? Well, don't just stand there.
State your business.
Business? Oh, yes, of course, sir.
Mr.
S.
Claus and Mr.
S.
Whipple to see Mr.
P.
Prune.
- He's not in.
- But I - He's not in.
- Well I said he's not in.
Why isn't he in? Because [sniffles.]
he is out.
[Crow.]
"Getting my Claritin-D.
" Santa, we're just gonna sit right here and wait for Mr.
Prune.
Ah! [Tom.]
"Hold me, Santa! Oh!" Even if it takes all night.
- We'd better wait at my house.
- Your house? That's where he shows up every evening at suppertime to ask for the rent money.
He says it gives him the greatest pleasure to spoil our appetites.
Well, then, Santa, come on! Let's head for the North Pole! [Jonah.]
"It's just right up the street!" Oh, I do wish Santa would come.
[Crow.]
Gross, that's where the reindeer park! I'm so worried.
[Tom.]
"It keeps snowing packing peanuts, and I heard they're carcinogenic.
" [Jonah.]
You can always tell when a building used to be an IHOP.
But I really mustn't worry, must I? Santa said not to worry.
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la [Tom.]
That snow-based diet doesn't seem to be working for her.
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la [Crow.]
Yeah, she's kind of dressed like Ronald McDonald's grandmother.
La-da-da-da, na-da-da-da-da [Tom.]
Now I see why Santa needs to be out of the house so much.
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la [Jonah.]
Oh, let me guess: Santa gets the huge mug.
Not a sound.
Not one single, solitary sound.
[Crow.]
Man, after 200 years, the mind is just gone.
[Tom.]
"Hey, ocupado !" [quirky music.]
[Jonah.]
What are they waiting for? [Tom.]
For someone to invent computer animation so they can go home.
[Crow.]
Oh, there's Doc, Bashful.
Oh, there's Carrot Top.
Well, I declare! I really must declare.
- [Tom.]
"Well, we're not stopping you.
" - Not a lick.
Not a stitch of work being done.
What will Santa think? What's the use of making toys if Mr.
Prune is gonna get 'em all? [sputters.]
Ah, so that's it! Now, don't you worry your dear little heads.
Santa's gone to see a friend about that.
- [Jonah.]
Whitey Bulger? - Everything's going to be all right.
Don't you fret.
Come on, now, back to work, everybody.
Just keep saying to yourself Christmas is coming Christmas is coming [Jonah.]
She singing with the guys from Ween? Christmas is coming Christmas is coming Christmas Day, 'twill soon be here [Crow.]
You know, this is how a cult starts.
Good boys.
[Tom.]
"I'm making some lucky kid a cement wall!" [Jonah.]
"Kids love plush toys stuffed with sod.
" [Jonathan.]
Helter-skelter Hustle-bustle Hurry-scurry, hippety-hop And never shilly-shally, dilly-dally Fiddle-faddle [Jonah.]
Weird science [Santa.]
We'll get you warmed up quickly enough.
That was quite a ride.
I'm still not sure I believe it.
Just a short hop.
I do it all the time.
- Fun, isn't it? - Uh-huh.
Great fun.
[Crow.]
"Fun? We hit a goose.
It exploded all over us.
" Oh, Santa.
You did it again.
How many times do I have to tell you not to come down so fast? Now, now, Mother.
We have a guest.
This is Sam Whipple.
And, Mother, he's a lawyer.
- Oh, good! - This is a great pleasure, Mrs.
Claus.
My pleasure.
[Tom.]
"You'll be marrying our daughter.
" Why, the poor young man is frozen! Oh, the poor dear! Santa! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? - [Jonah.]
"Always.
" - Dragging Mr.
Whipple up to the North Pole without so much as a fur coat? - [Santa.]
But, Mother, I - Oh, I declare! You men are all children.
[Tom.]
"I'm a widdle baby, and you're my mommy and daddy.
My fan fiction is coming true!" Put my shawl around you.
A nice cup of tea will fix you up just fine! - Thank you.
- [Jonah.]
"Is it snow tea?" [Tom.]
"Aren't you dressed yet, woman? It's 4:30 in the afternoon!" My, Santa, such a fine-looking gentleman.
Reminds me of you when you were younger.
- [laughter.]
- [Crow laughs.]
"What happened? - You flatter me, Mrs.
Claus! - [Tom.]
"Thanks, Eddie Haskell.
" Santa, I haven't heard you laugh in ever so long.
[Jonah.]
"And 'ho, ho, hos' don't count.
" Does that mean that everything is going to be all right? [Crow.]
"Baby's never been happier.
" - Oh, I'm so glad.
- Now, now, Mother, not so fast.
We hope so, but we're not sure yet.
Sam here will speak to Mr.
Prune, and then we shall see.
Now, that's the best cup of tea I have ever tasted.
[Tom.]
"I think there's a hint of reindeer in this!" All right, Mr.
Prune, wherever you are, - I'm ready for you now! - [Jonah.]
Feisty! - [elves cheering.]
- [Crow.]
"Whoa, this tea kicked in fast.
" [elves cheering.]
Hoorah.
Oh, you naughty scamps! Scat, scat! [Jonah.]
"You know the drill.
" [Crow.]
Oh, he's turned his crotch into a clown car.
[Tom.]
Oh, he took a hit there.
[Jonah.]
Oh, man, limbo at the North Pole is really weird.
[Tom.]
"Oh, I had that coming.
The house-crotch got me again.
" By the way, where is Mr.
Prune? I thought he'd be here by now.
Probably waiting outside for us to start supper.
- I'll show you.
- [Crow.]
"My gun collection.
" Well, Mother, is supper ready? Piping hot and ready to serve! [Jonah.]
"We're having snow steaks!" Mother, I repeat.
Well, Mother, is dinner ready? Piping hot and ready to serve! [knock at door.]
What did I tell you? He just loves to spoil our suppertime.
Well, I'm ready for him if you are.
Good luck, Sam dear.
[Crow.]
"You realize I'm not doing this pro bono, right?" - [Jonah.]
What is that on the wall? - [Tom.]
Blitzen? Come in, Mr.
Prune.
What a surprise.
[Crow.]
"I lost two oxen trying to ford the river.
" Greetings [Tom.]
Yes, there are many.
Would you like to choose one? - from an old friend.
- [Jonah.]
"Who is weird.
" Oh, Mr.
Prune, you've done it again! What? What have I done? Gone out into this cold weather without your galoshes! What you need, Mr.
Prune, is someone to take care of you.
- Nonsense.
- [Jonah growls.]
- Poppycock.
- [Jonah blubbers.]
Ah, men are such children! - [Prune.]
Children! - [Crow.]
"Of the night!" That word I feel faint.
Madam, I shall hold you personally responsible if I have bad dreams tonight.
Mr.
Prune, isn't that rather childish? - Please! - [all.]
Thank you.
- Please! - [all forcefully.]
Thank you! - Please.
- [all more forcefully.]
Thank you! Have you ever tried to go to sleep counting children jumping over a fence? - [Tom.]
Nobody does that.
- Yes, children.
Children, kids! Children! [Jonah.]
"What was I talking about again? I lost my train of thought.
Oh, yeah, children!" I've been running away from children all my life [Crow.]
"As required by the court order.
" from one country to another, and you can't escape them! - [Tom.]
Maybe at Hedonism? - The world is full of children! [Jonah.]
Are you sure you're not confusing children with spiders? [Prune gasping.]
- Poor, poor Mr.
Prune.
- [Crow.]
"You're unstuck in time.
" You're all upset! Now, you sit down, and we'll have a nice cup of tea to quiet your nerves.
Madam I'll thank you to keep your kindness to yourself.
[Tom.]
He's a manspreader.
Typical.
- Now, then, to business.
- [Jonah.]
Paging Dr.
Freud.
Have you got the money for the rent? But, Mr.
Prune, it isn't time yet.
Don't quibble.
Very well, then, when will you have the money? [Crow.]
"I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
" Oh, this is Mr.
Sam Whipple, our lawyer.
Uh, thank you, Santa.
[Jonah.]
Santa having a lawyer really sucks the enchantment out of all this.
- Now, then, Mr.
Prune - Lawyer? [Tom mockingly.]
"Lawyer?" Never met a lawyer I couldn't handle.
Now, see here, Mr.
Prune! - Haven't I seen you around town? - [Tom.]
"Down by the docks?" What's your name again? - Riffle, Dripple, Whiffle - Whipple.
- Now, see here, Mr.
Prune - You are wasting your time, sir.
[Jonah.]
"Sker-pipple.
" I've got my legal rights, I have.
The North Pole belongs to me, lock, stock, barrel.
Polar bears, walruses, and ice.
It's mine.
Mine.
I bought it.
[Crow.]
"This paper towel is my proof!" And ordinance number 614 of the Housing Code says, - and I quote - [Crow.]
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- "If tenants - [Crow.]
Uh-huh.
- do not pay their rent money - [Crow.]
Uh-huh.
landlords shall have the right to take possession - of all their possessions - [Crow grunts.]
- in full payment.
- [Crow.]
Mm-hmm.
- And furthermore " - [Jonah.]
"Ow.
" And furthermore, Mr.
Prune, you're going to sit right down in that chair and listen for a change! - [elves cheering.]
- [Tom.]
Ding, ding, ding! Let's get ready to filibuster! Silence! Silence! Silence! [doors clanking and whirring.]
Santa: for centuries, he's produced amusing toys.
Or has he? Year after year, Santa's workshop churns out the same toys, regardless of technology or changing play patterns.
So just how fun are these "toys"? These may be playthings, but we're not playing around.
That's right.
The classic wooden soldier promises hours of fun bloodshed simulation.
But it fails at almost every level.
Let's start with the obvious.
This Napoleon-era trooper wouldn't last a minute in today's world of asymmetrical laser-guided drones.
Plus zero points of articulation.
No play sets, no vehicles, no licensed backstory.
Don't force me to rely on my imagination! Someone please tell me how to play with this thing! The wooden rocking horse performed just as poorly.
It has no motor, so essentially you're doing all the work.
The horse contributes nothing.
And only one breed? Where's the collectibility? A modern child will give this thing at most three halfhearted rocks before leaving it in the middle of the floor to be tripped over.
Which is ironically more fun than playing with it.
Okay, I went into my review of the jack-in-the-box with high hopes.
This should be a fright machine eliciting the laughter of a well-pulled prank.
To my great chagrin, those hopes were dashed.
For one thing, the song gives it away when he'll pop out.
["Pop Goes the Weasel" playing.]
There goes the element of surprise.
And from Jack's point of view, you're just giving him a brief taste of freedom before shoving him back in a windowless cell.
I don't call being a jailer fun.
Our conclusion: there's nothing you can do.
Santa calls the tune.
He's gonna leave these things in your house whether you want him to or not.
Or do what we do.
Be naughty.
- Oh, yeah.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! - Movie sign! Movie sign! [doors clanking and whirring.]
Money.
Money, that's all this man seems to think about.
Mr.
Phineas T.
Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money.
Mr.
Phineas middle initial T.
Prune.
[Tom.]
The T stands for "the"? That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it? - [Crow gasps.]
- I object! Objection overruled! [Crow.]
Yeah, North Korea has a more fair court system than this.
- [hammer banging.]
- [Jonathan.]
Silence! All right, Mr.
Prune, what were you going to say? You can't call me a tightwad! I am no miser! Money doesn't mean a thing to me.
I just don't like to waste it, that's all.
[Jonah.]
"Money can't buy me love.
" What are you driving at, anyway? Just this, Mr.
Prune.
If money means so little to you, then why insist that these dear, good, sweet people pay the rent when you know they have no money? [Tom.]
"J'accuse!" And, if you throw them out of this house, where will they go? What will they do? And if they catch cold, will that mean any more money in your pockets? No, Mr.
Prune.
I still insist that must stand for Tightwad! - No, it doesn't.
- [Crow.]
Oh, burn.
- No, it doesn't.
- [elves.]
Yes, it does! No, it doesn't! [Sam.]
Very well, then.
Prove it.
[Crow.]
"So if I prove my middle name isn't Tightwad, Santa will pay his rent? I'm starting to understand this whole broke-lawyer thing.
" [Jonah.]
"I do have candy for the jury.
" - I've got it! - Silence! Si [elves shushing.]
[Tom.]
He's about to dignify this nonsense with a response! Mr.
Claus, I don't want you to think that I have anything against you personally.
Far from it.
You've never harmed me.
Why should I want to harm you? [Crow.]
"You have the right to bear arms!" And all for a few measly dollars.
How ridiculous.
Mr.
Whipple's eloquence has touched me deeply.
Right here.
[Mrs.
Claus.]
Oh, what a sweet man you are.
Madam, I'll thank you to keep your compliments to yourself! [Jonah.]
His rudeness is so polite.
Now, where was I when I was so rudely interrupted? - Something touched you here.
- [Tom.]
"On the third nipple.
" Oh, yes.
I am deeply touched.
- Here.
- [Tom.]
"On the third nipple.
" Therefore, I have decided that you do not have to pay me the rent.
Not one single, solitary penny.
[elves.]
Hooray! Hooray! [Crow.]
"But I will take these elves as collateral.
" - But! - Hooray? There is one condition, Mr.
Claus.
Name it, Mr.
Prune.
Name it.
It's done.
You must promise never again to give Christmas presents to children.
[Jonah.]
"Well, can I sell them at a considerable markup?" Well, now that's settled, I'll bid you all a good evening.
[Santa.]
Wait.
Just a moment, Mr.
Prune.
[Tom.]
"I'll have Mrs.
Claus wrap up some snow loaf to go.
" I can't make that promise.
I won't stop giving Christmas presents to children.
I don't want to.
Then out into the freezing cold you will go.
Oh, come now, Mr.
Claus.
Don't you think you are taking all this too seriously? You would give up this snug, warm, cozy little house for children? Children! - What do they ever give you in return? - [Crow.]
"Pinkeye.
" - Love.
- Bah.
That's what Christmas is all about, Mr.
Prune.
But you keep spoiling the brats.
Giving, giving, giving! So that someday, Mr.
Prune, they'll learn to give too.
Ah, poppycock.
Bosh, twaddle, and bah.
[Jonah.]
Don't forget Corn Nuts! Well, you are his lawyer.
Tell him he's a stubborn old fool! But I happen to disagree.
I think he's kind of nice.
[Tom.]
"And a great dancer.
" But as for you, Mr.
Prune, I think you are just about the meanest man I have ever met.
Do you really? Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much indeed.
It's very kind of you to say so.
- I pride myself on my meanness.
- [all.]
Eww! Don't take Christmas away from us.
[Jonah.]
"Ah, this has all been a long con to get some delicious snow bread.
" Think of what this will do to the children.
- [Jonah.]
"Mmm, snow bread.
" - It will break their hearts.
Good.
Good.
Mr.
Prune, weren't you ever a child yourself? [Crow.]
"I sprang from the head of Zeus!" Really.
I didn't come to this house to be insulted! I'm sorry, Mr.
Prune, but it's time we faced facts! - You must have been a child! - Please! Don't you see you just had to be a child? Never! [Tom.]
He must have been Somebody's baby Well, prove it! I dare you to prove it.
- Nobody can prove it! - [all.]
Prove it! And now I think I've wasted enough valuable time.
[Jonah.]
Pawn Stars is on.
Either you have the money by midnight December 24th, or no Christmas! [Crow.]
"I said good day, sir!" [Jonah mimics The Penguin babbling.]
[Crow.]
He's Charlie Chaplin without the dexterity.
[dramatic music.]
[Tom.]
The trombone suggests Prune is incompetent and angry.
[Jonah.]
"Better head to base camp before nightfall.
" - Jonathan.
- [Crow.]
"It wasn't me!" Yes, Santa? Can you remember anything about a child named Phineas Prune? [Tom.]
"No, but I am super hungover.
" Prune? Phineas Prune? Hmm [Jonah.]
Of the Bryn Mawr Prunes? - Oh, him! - [Crow.]
"The man that owns us!" Hmm, no.
Phineas T.
Prune.
Does that help? [Tom.]
"No, that makes it noticeably harder.
" Prune, Phineas T.
Prune? [Jonah.]
Yes, let's milk this for all it's worth.
Doesn't strike a spark, somehow.
Well, you look him up in your records.
There can't be too many Prunes in this world.
How do you spell it? - P-R-U-N-E.
That's what I thought: Prune! All right, men.
Let's get the books down and look for Prune.
[Tom.]
"Hooray, we only communicate through yelling.
" [Jonah.]
Elves love research.
[Crow.]
"Santa, do we have to do everything in a group? Is there any chance I can apply for an independent study or something?" If Christmas came in June We'd say good afternoon We don't care if it all makes sense The name of the song is "Prune" [Tom.]
Oh, good, a rhyming dictionary.
[Jonah.]
"You should see 'em make an ice cream sundae.
It's hilarious.
" [Jonathan.]
Prune, Prune, Prune, spoon - Apricot? - No, Prune.
[Tom.]
Oh, he's stroking out.
We had a pet raccoon Ate doughnuts with a spoon We don't care if it all makes sense The name of the song is "Prune" [Crow.]
"I'm not gonna get mad.
I'll choke down my rage bile.
" Prune, spoon, moon, June [Tom.]
What's that funnel back there for? - Lemon? - No, Prune.
[Crow.]
"I guess I know who's getting the funnel now.
" There was a big baboon Who never sang in tune We don't care if it all makes sense The name of the song is "Prune" [Jonah.]
"But this book is longer than Dune !" Prune, Prune, Prune, Prune [Tom.]
Guys, I think something's wrong with Jonathan.
- [Jonathan.]
Prune, spoon.
- Crabapple? - [Crow.]
"You get the funnel.
" - No, Prune! Now, you mustn't get your hopes up too high.
It may take Jonathan days, weeks, even months to find anything.
And even if he does, it may not do any good.
So I figured out a plan which may just do the trick.
[Jonah.]
"We kill the Batman.
" Santa, you and I are going to go to work.
- [Crow.]
"Mostly you.
" - We're going to find us a job and earn the money to pay the rent.
[Tom.]
"Wait a minute! I thought you were a lawyer!" [Jonah.]
It's Hasbro's weakest Christmas lineup ever.
[Sam.]
are looking for a job.
[Tom.]
Some enchanted evening You will see a stranger [Sam.]
Won't you let me explain? You see, I have [Crow.]
"Look, I've had a very trying day.
My top hat blew off my head, and my monocle broke, and then my hilarious bike with my giant front wheel was stolen!" [Jonah.]
"Someday he'll just send a drone to do this.
" [Sam.]
My friend and I [Tom.]
"Look, they're playing a game of invisible seesaw.
" [Crow.]
I'm glad there's glass between us so we can't hear what's going on in there.
[no audible dialogue.]
[Jonah.]
That's not how you wash windows.
[Prim.]
don't come back.
- No, Mr.
Prim, I'm not going to - [Crow.]
He's got a carrot! let you miss the opportunity of a lifetime.
It wouldn't be fair to you! Please, please, give me just one moment, just one little moment.
All right, but hurry.
[Tom.]
"My barbershop quartet meets in an hour.
" [Jonah.]
"Okay, Santa, this is a little weird, but I'm working up to something.
You trust me, right?" [Crow.]
"How's Prim doing? You liking this? Speed okay?" [Crow.]
"Now, remember that little number we worked on in the car, okay?" [Tom.]
"Interesting.
Do you have one in blue?" [Crow.]
"Okay, perfect, perfect.
This is gonna be great.
Oh, hmm Oh, he left.
" - Oh, my.
- [Jonah.]
"Prim likey.
" [Tom.]
"Oh, now he puts on the hat.
You buried the lede, man!" [Crow.]
"This is so humiliating.
" [Jonah.]
"Don't forget, Santa, when this is over, I'm still the widdle baby!" Turn around.
Turn around, my good man.
[Tom.]
"Shift yer cargo, deary.
Show 'em yer larboard side.
" That's right.
I don't understand.
Let me do the talking.
It's remarkable.
It's truly remarkable.
Why, he looks just like Santa Claus! [Crow.]
"He'll be perfect for the window display!" [slow music.]
[Max.]
The Boneheads were created by Kinga to be "a race of atomic supermen which would conquer the world.
" But it didn't work out that way.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
- Your own? - But I am Santa Yes, it is a remarkable coincidence.
- Isn't it, Mr.
Prim? - Incredible.
Congratulations, my dear man.
You're hired! But, Sam, I still don't understand Oh, this is Mr.
Prim.
He owns this department store.
- Prim's Department Store.
- How do you do, sir? - And my name is Sam Whipple.
- Yes, yes, of course.
- Let me see.
- [Jonah.]
Nightmare fuel.
Now, if I understand this plan correctly, if the parents wish their children to meet Santa Claus, they're to bring them here to Prim's Department Store.
A mild deception, of course, since we know there really is no Santa Claus.
- [Santa.]
What? - [Crow.]
Atheist! My dear young man, your idea is positively revolutionary! Why, if it works, if it works, our toy department will sell more toys than all the other stores put together! And this gentleman, Santa.
I hope you don't mind my calling you that? Well, of course not.
I am Santa.
[Tom.]
I just realized Prim's hair is made out of a network of mustaches woven 20 deep.
Is he going to be all right? I mean to say, he really seems to be suffering from some sort of hallucination! No, he's just living the part, you might say.
Oh, an unemployed actor! Well, as I was saying you, sir, you will be sitting on a throne.
Oh, we'll get something from somewhere, and then you'll speak to the children, yes? And you'll ask them their age and so on.
You mean you call that a job, just being myself? That's right, Santa.
And you get paid for it too.
- Enough to pay the rent? - Well, no.
But perhaps Mr.
Prim can find a job for me, too, and between us, we can make enough to pay the rent.
Is he going to make you president of the store? No.
Janitor.
[Jonah mimics sad trombone.]
Wah-wah.
That's right, my boy.
Start at the bottom.
- That's my motto.
- [Tom.]
"For everything.
" Now, how shall I make my spectacular announcement? [Crow.]
"Hmm, in a corset on the cover of Vanity Fair "? I've got it! - [Prim.]
All right, men.
- [Jonah.]
Sounds like Ren & Stimpy music.
[Prim.]
Pull it up.
Heave! Heave! [Tom.]
Wait, it takes four men to haul up one piece of foam core? I can hardly wait to see Mr.
Macy's face when he sees that! Matter of fact, I think I'll go over and tell him right now.
- [Crow.]
"Rub his face in it.
" - Gentlemen, busy little bees! - Busy little bees! - [Crow.]
"Get in your bee costumes!" - [man.]
Good morning.
- [woman.]
Morning.
I know children like a book.
I've lost count of all the children I've seen fast asleep in their beds.
That funny little smile on their faces when they're dreaming.
The way they curl themselves around a pillow.
The way they sing to themselves.
But, Santa! These children aren't going to be asleep.
- They'll be wide awake.
- [Jonah.]
"They'll see you coming.
" - Awake? - Why, Santa, what's the matter? Awake.
[Tom.]
How did we end up with a Santa with such extreme generalized anxiety disorder? - Awake, did you say? - [Crow.]
"Yes, awake!" Santa, you're blushing! You see, the fact of the matter is, in all my years, I've never seen one single child wide awake.
They've always been fast asleep.
Well, what do you know? You can't go around waking up children in the middle of the night.
- May I tell you something? - [Jonah.]
"As long as you don't sing.
" I have been around the world More times than you can count [Crow.]
I can count to three I have yet to see [Tom.]
Let me lean way too closely, then - [Santa.]
A child who's wide awake - [Crow.]
How's this - [Santa.]
I wish that for my sake - [Jonah.]
I can smell you Just once they'd stay awake Just long enough To say hello to me - [Tom.]
Hello - [Jonah.]
Hello - [Crow.]
Hello - [Tom.]
Hello! The parents say Santa Claus Will stay away If children are not fast asleep in bed [Jonah.]
I wouldn't know, dear I'm Buddhist - [Santa.]
I wish they'd break the rule - [Crow.]
Namaste [Santa.]
On Christmas there's no school [Jonah.]
Om mani padme hum.
Why can't all children Stay up late instead [Crow.]
And work the late shift At my factory What are children like When they're wide awake Are they just as nice as can be [Tom.]
Don't ask me, Santa, I'm barren - [Santa.]
Are they always as polite - [Jonah.]
Thanks a lot With their faces scrubbed bright [Crow.]
Rub it in The way all children are When they're asleep [Tom.]
I never noticed you're so sexy What are children like When they're wide awake [Jonah.]
I'm a baby It's always been a puzzle to me [Tom.]
Santa's little tiny baby - [Santa.]
Do they always wear a smile - [Crow.]
Creepy monkey Mind their manners all the while The way all children do When they're asleep [Tom.]
That monkey's creepier than me [Santa.]
Sam, I can't face them.
[Jonah.]
"My class reunion is tomorrow!" Santa! Santa, wait! Wait! Where do you think you're going? - [Crow.]
"Happy Hour.
" - Out.
But, Santa, wait a minute.
What will Mr.
Prim say? What will everybody say, that Santa Claus is scared of children? No, no, no, this is no time to quit.
If you lose your job, you'll never be able to pay the rent! Oh, come on, Santa, wide awake or fast asleep, - they're still children! - [Jonah.]
"You're bigger than they are!" What do I do? What do I say? - Just act natural.
- [Tom.]
"They can smell your fear.
" Ask the children if they've behaved themselves.
[Crow.]
"Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
" Ask what they would like for Christmas.
[Crow.]
"Okay, yeah.
" Then every once in a while, throw in a couple of "ho, ho, hos" just to show just how jolly you are.
Oh, well, that sounds easy enough.
Come on, I'll show you.
[Crow.]
"Just lay down, and I'll stand on your neck.
" Ready? [Tom.]
"I'm a widdle baby, and you're gonna take care of me.
" "How old are you, my boy?" - How old are you, my boy? - [Jonah.]
"Wrong!" No, no, no.
"How old are you, my boy?" How old are you, my boy? - That's better.
Now.
- [Crow.]
"I can't manage this.
" "Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
" - Ho, ho, ho.
- [Tom.]
"Ho!" No, no, no, no, no.
For children, your "ho, ho, hos" have got to be lots bigger.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - Ho, ho, ho, ho! - Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- [Jonah groans.]
- [both.]
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - [Tom.]
Oh, no.
- [Crow.]
Make it stop.
- [all.]
Make it stop! - Now.
[Jonah.]
"The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
" "And have you been a good girl?" [quickly.]
And have you been a good girl? - Ha, ha, ha, ha.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho.
[Crow.]
"Too much! Too much! Pull back! Pull back! Pull it a little back!" [both laughing.]
"And what would you like for Christmas?" [Tom.]
"Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Is the stabbing pain in my chest normal?" Hey, Sam, this is fun! [Jonah.]
Oh, get out! He's gonna blow! [all shouting.]
[Santa.]
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! [Tom.]
"Ah, look at the colors, so wild!" [both laughing.]
[Tom.]
"Now we sue the store.
My plan is working.
See?" Oh, dear.
I hope I haven't broken it.
This would be a fine time to lose my job.
Here, you better let me handle this.
There's nothing about toys that I don't know.
[Jonah.]
Have you tried turning it off and on again? [Crow.]
"Oh, yeah, Xylophone Man, Rando Toys, model 47B.
We get these up at the shop all the time.
" [Tom.]
"All the best toys are string-powered.
" Mr.
Prim has quite a respectable collection of toys here.
[all.]
It's a gun! It's a gun! Get down! [Jonah.]
"I could get the elves to reverse engineer this! How's Prim's legal team, do you know?" [Tom.]
"I don't, but do you ever get the feeling you're being watched by nightmarish toys all the time?" [Crow.]
I can't believe this is in the Bible.
[Jonah.]
"I'm still an unsettling little naughty baby! Whoa!" [Crow.]
"Come to Prim's.
We sell wagons and wagon-related toy wagons.
" [Tom.]
"Dial nine, then one, then wait for my signal.
" [Crow.]
"Can you sign this liability waiver? There appears to be a nitrous oxide leak in here.
" [Jonah.]
"I earn half of what he does.
" [Tom.]
What did they cut out of the movie if this is what they kept? [Crow.]
"Change me, Santa.
" [Jonah.]
Ah, the driver's being electrocuted! [Tom.]
Wow, business must be terrible.
[Jonah.]
Oh, look, they've created their own Thunderdome.
[Crow.]
Jonah, can't we get beyond Thunderdome? [Tom.]
God's gonna smite them so hard.
[Jonah mimics helicopter rotors.]
We've got a lot of toy traffic on the 405! [Crow.]
That helicopter bit must slay 'em in your stand-up act.
[Jonah.]
It does okay.
[Tom with British accent.]
I want today, I want tomorrow I want a golden goose, I want it now [Jonah.]
Sam is the opposite of a janitor right now.
- Just a moment, please.
- Oh! [Crow.]
Don't let them break through the barrier! [Jonah.]
Aubrey Plaza? Grown-ups playing with toys.
Well, that's not the sort of service I expected at Prim's Department Store.
[Tom.]
"Children! Their eyes are burning me!" [Crow.]
"Oh, my God, where am I? It wore off all at once! Where are my keys? Somebody call my wife.
" [Jonah.]
"I can explain! He's Santa, and I'm a widdle baby, and we're caught in a world of whimsy!" [Tom.]
Man, that lady is fertile.
[Crow.]
The editor must have been so tempted to speed this up.
I know I am.
Come on, Santa, let's go to work! [Jonah.]
"Okay, when the jacket is buttoned, I'm a grown-up.
But when it's off, I'm a widdle baby.
Got it?" [Tom.]
"There's so many rules with you!" [doors clanking and whirring.]
Ugh, that toy store is so creepy.
What if at night, they come to life? Oh, that's not gonna happen.
Maybe if we try to explain them, they won't be so frightening.
- Hey, Jet Screen? - [jet engine whooshing.]
- All righty.
- Check the crazy-eyed psycho-duck! Well, maybe that's just, uh, an arts and crafts project.
You know, from the local sanitarium.
And it escaped and is looking for victims! No, no, what if it was placed there by, uh by a Banksy-type artist? Yeah, it's a guerilla art installation! Yeah, see, great thinking, Tom.
Okay, a giraffe dying of a seizure while on fire Got it! It's the failed response to the Beanie Babies fad.
Screamie Babies! Yeah, there you go, Crow.
That's a good idea.
Sure, fighting's out of style.
Fear's where the fun is! Hmm.
Well, clearly it's a display of knock-off Disney merchandise.
On the right, we see Trumbo, the drowsy, blacklisted Dumbo.
And next to him is Scottish millionaire fowl Scudge McDunk! That's clearly a man who was turned into a stuffed monkey by a witch's curse.
No, but it's not scary because he deserved it.
Ah.
And even though that looks like a bear who killed another bear and then wore his victim's skin as a suit, it No, that's exactly what it is! - [buzzer blaring.]
- And, oh, no, we got movie sign! [Crow.]
Movie sign, too, on top of it! [doors clanking and whirring.]
Please.
[Crow.]
"And may the odds be ever in your favor.
" [Jonah.]
"I was mad, but now I get free stuff.
Hooray!" [Tom.]
"There are too many! They're all awake.
It's psychic overload.
" - Mama, it's really Santa Claus! - [Crow.]
"And I've been dubbed!" - [Sam.]
"And how are you " - [Santa.]
And how are you, my girl? I'm fine, Santa.
Don't you know my name? Of course.
Let me see, now.
Your name is Suzy.
Mama! He knows my name! [Jonah.]
"Stop calling my house!" [woman.]
Darling, darling, don't pull the gentleman's beard! - It might come off! - Oh, no, Mama, it's real! - Oh, may I? - Please.
[Tom.]
"There is a slight up-charge for that.
" Ah, imagine Mr.
Prim going to all that trouble to find an old man with a real beard.
- [Crow.]
"Old?" - I declare.
Really, what will they think of next? Santa Claus in a department store! [Crow.]
"No, that's not a rifle.
" Well, of course, you realize this could only happen in a large city.
Now, we come from a small town.
[Crow.]
"No, that's not a rifle either.
" And I keep telling my husband [Crow.]
Now, that's a rifle! [Jonah.]
Reminds me of the old saying: "If you're gonna spy, do it weird.
" [Tom.]
"Who can stay Pruney with values like these?" [Crow mimicking chicken.]
But just you wait till I tell him about this! A real, honest-to-goodness Santa Claus and in a department store! [Jonah.]
What's next, cherry phosphates? Women driving cars? A Catholic in the White House? - I mean - This is what I want! [Tom.]
"A daddy!" My dear sir, you certainly do understand children.
[Crow.]
"So you're gonna want the extended warranty and the rust guard undercoating.
Suzy'll ring you up.
" Blossom! [Jonah.]
Gomez Addams in a Christmas movie? Blossom! [Tom.]
Not the kind of name that gets more menacing the louder you say it.
[Crow.]
"Sorry, sir, just rolling in some filth.
" Blossom! [Jonah.]
You know, for ten years, these two ruled the vaudeville circuit.
- Blossom! - [Crow.]
"My name's Evan, sir.
" - [Tom.]
"My eyes are up here, sir.
" - Blossom? - Yes, sir? - Blossom, do you know what he's done? - Who, sir? - Santa Claus, you fool! [Jonah.]
"I'm just as God made me, sir.
" - Do you know what he's done? - Not until you tell me, sir.
[Tom.]
I bet they really made each other laugh on set.
- He's found a job.
- Doing what, sir? - [Crow.]
Santa things.
- Making children happy.
[Blossom.]
Oh, horrible, sir.
Blossom.
I must think.
[Jonah.]
"And you're gonna watch me do it.
" I must think.
I must think.
I must think.
Don't you think you ought to leave that sort of thing to me, sir? - [Tom.]
"Don't sass me!" - Blossom.
I am perfectly capable of thinking for myself.
[Crow.]
"Why, just this morning at breakfast, I invented Trixy Pebbles.
" Where is my book? [Jonah.]
"Captain Billy's Whiz Bang.
There it is!" [Crow.]
"Hmm, it says here, if I want to take the door to the left, turn to page 20.
If I want to stay and talk to the imp, turn to page 44.
It's a Choose Your Own Adventure.
" [Tom.]
This music cue is called "Somebody Watching Somebody Else Read.
" [Jonah.]
"Why do we live in the line for Disney's Tower of Terror, sir?" [Crow.]
Oh, good.
He's editing the script to the movie.
[Tom.]
"Prune, moon, June, spoon.
Who wrote this crap?" [Jonah.]
"Here, burn that.
Okay, now, this endless scene with Santa and Whipple on the floor playing with toys Let me check that.
Yeah, that's gone.
" [Tom.]
"Good cut, sir.
Gives our bits of business more room to breathe, eh wot?" But, Blossom, he must be stopped! Calmly does it, sir.
If he makes enough money to pay the rent, I'm ruined! I am ruined! [Crow.]
"Thank goodness I still have my part-time job as a human vulture.
" [Prune grunting and crying.]
Here, sir.
A sip of this will soothe your nerves.
[Tom.]
"We're having NyQuil-adas, sir.
" - Please, sir.
- No.
- Please, sir - No! - Please, sir! - No! - [Jonah.]
"It's cherry.
" - Sir! No.
[Crow.]
"Nobody likes Red Bull, sir.
Just drink it.
" [Tom.]
"Oh, hoo, that's Daddy's medicine!" [Jonah.]
"That was my spiderweb, sir.
" How can you be so calm? [Crow.]
Hey, can we change the camera angle, please? Because I have a plan, sir.
[Tom.]
"Here comes the choo-choo, sir.
Toot, toot!" [Blossom whispers indistinctly.]
[Jonah.]
"Oh, right.
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
" It is mmm.
" [Crow.]
"Right! 'It is by the juice of Sappho that the thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, stains become mm warning.
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
'" Good! Good! Good! [all.]
Dune ! [Tom.]
"Sorry I can't bring back your puppy, bye.
" [Crow.]
"Off you go, gender-neutral mushroom child.
" [Jonah.]
Let's check those armpits.
Good! [Tom.]
"And a halitosis balloon for you.
" [Crow.]
"Thanks, balloon janitor!" [Jonah.]
Wait a minute.
Santa's only on his third kid? He'd better pick up the pace, man.
They'll be here all night.
[Tom.]
"Is this the line for the Kentucky Derby?" [Crow.]
"Just a child with a mustache.
Nothing to see here.
" [Jonah.]
"Gary Oldman is Johnny Depp as Slash in Tim Burton's Bram Stoker's The Christmas That Almost Wasn't.
Coming this summer!" [Tom.]
Oh, look, they're wearing the Gap Kids Kim Jong-il line.
[Crow.]
"You know I can buy and sell Santa, right?" - [growls.]
- [dramatic musical sting.]
- Nyeh! - [Jonah.]
Young Gene Simmons.
- Blossom.
- [Crow.]
"Kill this boy.
" - Yes, sir.
- The chair.
[Tom.]
"Now hit this boy over the head with it.
" Bah! Aah! [Jonah.]
Oh, man, your kid just kicked a stranger! Hey, Crummy Dad, you gonna step in, like, at all? - What's up? - [Crow.]
Man, I think I hate kids now too.
I'm down with Prune.
[quirky music.]
[Jonah.]
"I'm going to crop dust all these kids, and you work your way up to the front.
They're gonna find out why they call me Blossom.
" [Tom.]
We've only just begun to live Karen Carpenter.
[Crow.]
"Ooh, I'm brewing up a real bunker buster, sir!" [Jonah.]
They told the shop girl that Blossom was a very ill 14-year-old girl, so they get cutsies.
[Crow.]
"Top hats: for both skulking and hiding!" [Tom.]
"There's some candy in my beard.
" [Jonah mimics munching.]
[Crow.]
"Oh, yeah, beard candy.
That's good eating.
" [Jonah.]
"Honey, I know that was traumatic.
Let's just try to move on, okay?" [Tom.]
Whipple trying to upstage Santa again.
[Crow.]
"Balloon or personal space? Can't have both!" [Jonah.]
Is that Charlie Chaplin filming City Lights back there? [Tom.]
"Is this the right caliber pea?" - [Crow.]
"I've been tranq'd!" - [Jonah.]
"Hide us, Jumbo!" [Crow.]
She has no depth perception! [Tom.]
"I'm a little baby like you.
Shh, don't tell no one!" [Jonah.]
Yup, spitballs are a two-man job.
- Ready? - Yes, sir.
[Tom.]
Bro, nice rig.
Mod the coil.
Crank down the ohms.
- Cotton! - [balloon pops.]
[Jonah.]
"Yay, Christmas is canceled! We win!" [Crow.]
"No! I can't be perceived as a failure! I must blur your senses with another balloon! Quickly, woman! In the hand! Like we discussed!" [Tom.]
"Look! You can see right down Santa's shirt.
" [Jonah.]
"I know it was you, Fredo.
You broke my heart.
" [Tom.]
"Now, this is one I brewed up last summer and saved in the enema ball.
I call it Swamp Thing.
" [Crow.]
"DARPA commissioned it.
SWA teams use it to disperse crowds.
" [Jonah.]
"Let's see how forgiving Santa is once this one makes landfall.
" [Tom.]
"They don't know what they're smelling yet.
They just know that it is bad.
" [Crow.]
"The itching and burning is but the pantomime before the play.
" [Jonah.]
"Ugh, this whole place smells like Dom DeLuise '79.
" [Tom.]
"In hindsight, the anthrax may have been a bit extreme, sir.
" [Crow.]
It's like Prune and Blossom's movie is about to break away from this movie and go supernova.
[Jonah.]
"All right, did everybody get a hat? Okay, if you didn't get a hat, let me know.
" [Crow.]
"I don't have any lines.
I'll just sit here and smile.
" [Tom.]
Weekend at Bernie's 3: Blossom's Revenge.
[Crow.]
Aw, look how he dotes on him.
He really cares.
[Jonah.]
"No, you're supposed to swipe.
" Think of something.
Think of something! Think of something! Think of something! Think of something! Think of something! [Tom.]
"Now all I can think is 'think of something.
'" - [Tom groans.]
- [Prune.]
Ah! I'll think of something, think of something, think of something, think of something, think of something, think of something, think of something, think of something! What, sir? [Crow.]
You know, Milton Berle refused to steal this bit.
[Jonah.]
"Okay, here goes.
Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?" I've thought of something, thought of something, thought of something, thought of something.
[Tom.]
"Gosh, you smell delectable.
What is that?" Yes.
That is something.
That's something.
That's something.
- That's something - [all.]
Shut up! Stop it! [slow music.]
[Max.]
Wow, think of something? You know what I think? I can't believe you're still watching this.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Crow.]
"Sniper to base: I have the lawyer in my sights.
- Permission to fire?" - [Tom.]
"Take the shot.
" [Jonah.]
"This balloon pit is insane!" Well, Santa, December 23rd.
Just one more day to go, and you and Mrs.
Santa will have enough money to pay the rent! [Tom.]
"Oh, no, Mrs.
Santa! We left her all alone up there!" - Good night, Joe.
- Night.
[Sam.]
Night, Joe.
Merry Christmas.
[Joe.]
Merry Christmas, Sam.
[Crow.]
"Yeah, I knew that weird life-sized reindeer wouldn't sell.
" Well, Santa, we've done it, we've done it, we've done it! And as soon as Mr.
Prim pays us, we'll be off! Well, Sam, while we're waiting, let's tidy up the place a bit.
- Good idea.
- [Jonah.]
"Oh, yeah! I'm supposed to be a janitor.
" [Tom.]
"Charlie's comin'!" - Now, how'd I do that? - Spooks.
More spooks, I guess.
[Crow.]
This store was built on stuffed animal burial ground.
[Jonah.]
"You left the bodies and you only moved the headstones! Why?" Sam, what's going on? [Tom.]
Let's see, something happening over and over, doesn't make sense, and doesn't amuse people? I'll hazard a guess My, my, my.
- [Crow.]
Once bitten, twice shy.
- Aren't we the industrious ones? Mr.
Prune, what are you doing in Prim's Department Store? Correction! You mean Prune's Department Store, don't you? [Jonah.]
"No, I mean Prim's.
" Prune! P-R-U-N-E.
[Crow.]
He's like the Count von Count but for letters.
Oh! All those dear little toys broken.
- [Tom.]
Mince, mince, mince, mince.
- Mr.
Claus, one would think you'd never handled toys before! Now, let me see.
Your name is Billy.
[Crow laughs maniacally.]
And have you been a good little boy? [Crow.]
"We're not so different, you and I.
" And how are you, my little girl? [Prune laughing.]
[Jonah whispering.]
"I'm so sorry it still smells so bad in here.
" And what would you like for Christmas? [laughs.]
[Crow.]
What a dick.
Just a moment.
Did you say your department store? As of six o'clock this evening, it became mine.
All mine.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
And now it is my great pleasure to announce .
- [Tom.]
A raise? - you are fired! Wait a minute! [Jonah.]
"Will your store need a widdle baby-man?" What about our pay? You're not going to try to get out of that, are you? My dear young man, how can you even suggest such a thing? Of course not! No, what's right is right.
- Blossom.
- [Tom.]
"Time to make it rain.
" Oh, thank you, Mr.
Prune.
I'm afraid we've misjudged you.
[Sam.]
All right, now, Santa.
Pay him the rent.
Please.
Please.
Just one moment.
What about these toys? [Crow.]
Uh, they're nightmarish? - I'm not blaming you.
- [Jonah.]
Oh, Tom, we got a smudge.
[Tom.]
On it.
[Tom muttering.]
No.
That's not it.
- No, no.
- [Crow.]
"This facehugger is ruined!" Now, in turn, you must respect my rights.
[Tom.]
Got it.
[grunts.]
According to my new regulation 4211, and I quote: "An employee shall always pay for broken merchandise out of his own pocket.
" Unquote.
[Jonah.]
Nice work, buddy.
Now, let me see.
Dolls: two.
Windmill: four.
Horses: 700.
[Crow.]
Whoa, were they real horses? And that leaves you exactly one.
[Jonah.]
"Prune out!" And now, gentlemen, try and pay the rent with that.
[Crow.]
"Oh, my legs! Oh!" Oh, dear.
I'm sorry.
[Jonah.]
"I'm even too old to be Santa.
" Not at all, my dear, dear friend.
[Tom.]
"Oh, good, the rabbit's still in there.
Floppy, be quiet.
" This will just about pay for repairing the damage.
[Jonah.]
"Okay, Whipple, no more baby talk.
" [Crow.]
"Oof, baby made a noodle.
" Gentlemen, this way out! All right, Mr.
Phineas T.
Prune, but we're not licked yet! There's still some time before midnight! Come on, Santa, come on.
[Crow.]
"I really do need changing.
" At last.
At last.
- At last! - [Tom.]
My love has come along - All these years I've waited.
- [Jonah mimics car zooming by.]
- And now victory's mine! - [Tom.]
Victor Borge? Do you hear that? Victory's mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! [Jonah.]
"Blossom, it's it's gonna take a half an hour to reset that! - Ah, gee.
" - A merry Christmas? - I don't think! [laughs.]
- [Crow.]
"Cut.
Close enough.
That's lunch.
" I've been racking my brains, but I still can't come up with any bright ideas.
[Tom.]
"You like pancakes?" Now, my boy, you mustn't blame yourself.
You did your best.
Never mind, something will turn up.
What? I can't think of anything.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, we could, oh, I don't know, bill some of your clients?" - A miracle, perhaps? - [Crow mimics ascending squeaky fart.]
I don't know of a better time for a miracle - [Crow mimics descending squeaky fart.]
- than on Christmas Eve.
[Crow mimics low squeaky farting.]
- [boy whistling.]
- [Tom.]
"Oh, no, it's him.
" [boy whistling.]
[Jonah.]
Omar comin'! [Tom whistles "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly".]
[boy whistling.]
[Crow.]
"Oh, Lord, I'm not ready, not like this.
" - Merry Christmas, sirs.
- And a Merry Christmas to you.
You're out kind of late, aren't you? I know, but I've got permission.
You see, trees are always less expensive if you pick them up at the last minute.
[Tom.]
"Outta your neighbor's yard.
See, I steal stuff.
" - You know something, mister? - [Jonah.]
"Uh, no.
" You look kind of familiar.
- I've seen you someplace before.
- [Tom.]
"Were you in South Pacific ?" Would you mind stepping closer to the lamppost? [Crow.]
"I need you to take this field sobriety test.
" [Jonah.]
"Santa, as your counsel, I would advise against it.
" [Tom.]
"Ignore him.
He thinks he's a giant baby.
" - [Jonah.]
Hey, nice 'stache, kid.
- Well, of course! No wonder! Why, it's Santa Claus! - Hello, Charlie.
- [Crow.]
"They took my thumbs.
" - And you know my name too.
- [Jonah.]
"Now guess my weight.
" But wait a minute.
What are you doing here, Santa? [Crow.]
"Slumming.
" You're not due for a couple of hours yet.
[Tom.]
"Charlie, Widdle Baby and I need you to go deep undercover.
" - That is - Hey, Santa? Are you all right? This is no time to be down in the dumps.
Christmas is coming! [Jonah chuckles weakly.]
Imagine me telling Santa Claus about Christmas.
You're very kind, my boy.
Are you in trouble or something? - No, no, no, no, no.
- [Tom.]
"Well, I mean yeah.
Yeah, I am.
" I'm all right.
I'm all right.
No, something's wrong.
I can feel it in my bones.
[Crow.]
"Doctor said they're gonna have to remove my bones.
" [Crow coughs weakly.]
Come on, Santa, tell me.
What's the trouble? [Jonah.]
"You can't make me talk, fuzz!" - Well, do you know? - [Sam.]
Mm-hmm.
Well? Come on! Tell me.
[Tom.]
"Talk, you old tart!" No, Sam, please! I'm sorry, Santa, but this is no time for pride.
[Crow.]
"Okay, here's the drill.
I'm a little baby, and I'm Santa's bestest friend, and we're stuck in a terrible land deal.
And I'm definitely a baby.
" Golly, Santa.
[Jonah.]
"You are in deep.
" You really are in trouble.
[Tom.]
"How many predatory loans do you have? Jeez!" - Boy.
- [Crow.]
"You are bad at being Santa.
" This is an emergency.
[Jonah.]
"Not like a house-on-fire emergency but like an old-man-who-can't-handle-money kind of emergency.
We've got to do something.
[Crow.]
"Or I mean you do.
I gotta run.
" And quick.
Hey! I've got a coin you can have.
Would that be enough? No, I guess not.
[Jonah.]
"You got a little Styrofoam there.
" Well, we better think fast.
[Tom.]
"Think of something.
Think of something.
Think of something.
" Hey, I've got it! Why don't we ask all the kids to chip in? - I'll bet they'd be glad to help! - Oh, I couldn't allow that.
Why not? You've been doing things for us for a long time.
It's time we started doing something for you.
- What are friends for, anyway? - [Jonah.]
"JK, LOL!" [laughs.]
Hey, kids, wake up! Hey, kids! Wake up! Hey, kids, do you hear me? [Crow.]
Wow, the cornstarch is really comin' down now.
Listen, kids, Santa Claus is in a jam! [Tom.]
This kid is so demanding, even the movie is backing away.
So start digging in! Do you hear me? Wake up! Wake up! [Jonah.]
Is he summoning Beetlejuice to help Santa Claus? - [Tom.]
"Santa Team, assemble!" - [Crow.]
"Tiny Grandma!" [Jonah.]
"Actual Baby!" - [Tom.]
"Puddles!" - [Crow.]
"Meat Wagon!" [Charlie.]
Wake up! Do you hear me? [Jonah.]
"The Incredible Miss Limpet!" - [Tom.]
"Farmer Jane and Dottie!" - [Charlie.]
Come on, kids! - [Crow.]
"Chamber Pot.
" - [Charlie.]
Wake up! [Jonah.]
"Little Debbie and Debbie Dolly.
" [all.]
And the rest [Tom.]
Maybe Charlie should have told them to wear coats and shoes? [Crow.]
Yeah, everybody knows the streets of Prague are covered in rusty nails and rebar.
[Jonah.]
Even the sewer children are chipping in.
[Crow.]
"Calling all C.
H.
U.
D.
children! Calling all C.
H.
U.
D.
children! - This is not a drill.
" - [children singing.]
[Tom.]
"On the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, Bart Starr and Baby were under siege.
" [Jonah.]
Aah, It's A Small World come to life! [Crow.]
Why do they have pumpkins? Do they know what month it is? [Tom.]
Aah, it's the Running of the Little Scrooges.
[children.]
Santa Claus [Crow.]
Even the kids from the asylum are getting into the act.
Yay! [Jonah.]
Oh, I think I know what happens now.
I've seen Wicker Man.
[Tom.]
"Brought to you by Hanes Comfort Fit Children's Nightgowns.
Hanes: it's the sack you can sleep in.
" [Crow.]
It's the Betsy Ross Gang.
They brought flags! [children.]
Let Christmas come This year [all.]
Santa, do you validate parking? [Crow.]
Can you validate my spot? [Tom.]
"Oh, Chambord.
Very festive, thank you.
Say hi to your mother for me.
Tell her I got her voice mail.
" [Jonah.]
"Visa, MasterCard, it's fine.
I've got Square reader.
" [Crow.]
Scuse me, privileged kid coming through.
More important than you.
Scuse me.
[Tom.]
"Oh, so you won the meet and greet at the radio station, huh? I'm still gonna need a donation.
" [Jonah.]
"Oh, ho, ho, more booze! Thank you.
" [Crow.]
"Here's my Grandma's ashes.
" [Tom.]
"Okay, TV remote.
That's weird.
" [Jonah.]
"Here's some Bitcoin.
" [Crow.]
"This is great, kids, but did no one think to bring Santa a bag, huh?" [children.]
Bring your pennies To Santa Claus [Jonah.]
"Can I have your autograph?" [Tom.]
"Nope, keep it moving, Holly Hobbie.
" [children.]
Santa Claus, Santa Claus [Crow.]
"Oh, you took all of Mommy's stash, didn't you? Oh!" [Tom.]
"I made you, old man, and I can break you.
" [Crow.]
"Hey, Whipple, you watching this, dumbass? This is how you collect on a bill!" [Jonah.]
"Oh, no, I forgot.
It's December 24th! I'm at my most vulnerable! The children won't stop coming! I can't quiet the voices! Get out of my mind!" [Santa.]
as sugar and spice And that's the way I knew that it would be [Tom.]
"Now, I didn't say stop bringing the money.
Keep it coming.
The spice must flow.
" [Santa.]
I knew that it would be [doors clanking and whirring.]
Even though the movie is weird and disturbing, I still feel the Christmas spirit.
Yeah, it's like nothing Christmassy can be so bad, it isn't still, in some way, Christmas.
- Yeah.
- [Santa laughing, sleigh bells jingling.]
Santa? Cambot, give us rocket number nine! [Crow.]
Santa's here! Ho, ho, ho! Hello, robots and new guy.
Oh, Santa! Did you get my letter? Probably.
I got a backlog like you wouldn't believe.
Don't worry.
I'll get to it.
Is everything okay? You seem distracted.
I'm fine, sweetie.
Santa's just got a lot on his plate right now.
- Goo-goo! Baby Whipple wants to play! - Oh, brother! What's the matter with you? Look at yourself! You're a grown man! Wait, I think I got a toy here.
Ah.
What about the rattle? You like that? You like that kind of thing, you weirdo.
- Go get that.
- Whee! Yeah, ugh.
I'm sorry.
I'm a lot jollier when it's not my busy season.
I thought you only worked on Christmas.
Yeah.
No, I deliver on Christmas.
The rest of the year is the making and the boxing up.
I'm dealing with elves! You take your eye off them for a second, and they're dancing on the assembly line.
Thousands of dollars in damages.
Don't get me started.
Santa, why are you still dealing with Whipple? Ugh, the state gave me custody, and let me tell you, more trouble with the law, Santa does not need! Wah, baby Whipple needs changing.
Ah, oy vey.
Not again.
Oy vey? Santa, are you are you Jewish? [Santa.]
Of course I am.
I'm a manufacturer and distributor of children's novelties.
I put the "ho, ho, ho" in Christmas and the "ha, ha, ha" in Hanukkah! Come on, Baby Man, let's go.
I'm not mad at you.
- Baby Whipple want to drive.
- Ugh.
[Santa.]
Don't touch that, you putz! I'm going to leave out some extra black-and-white cookies this year.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[all.]
Aah! [Tom.]
Shave and a haircut.
[clock ticking.]
[Crow.]
Oh, he's looking for Toons.
[Jonah.]
Oh, look, the elves are posing for an "Evolution of Man" poster.
[Mrs.
Claus whispering.]
Christmas is coming.
[Tom.]
"Um, Prune, would you mind putting our conga record back on, please?" [Mrs.
Claus.]
Christmas is coming.
Christmas is coming.
[Crow.]
Oh, that's her bathroom.
Eww.
[Tom.]
"Knit one, Prune two.
" Christmas is coming.
Christmas is coming.
[Jonah.]
It's tough.
She's knitting socks.
You know, she makes all the Christmas presents nobody wants.
[Tom mimics squeaky fart.]
"Sorry, everyone.
" [Crow.]
"I forget you're over 300 years old.
" [Mrs.
Claus.]
Christmas is coming.
Christmas is coming.
Christmas is coming.
[Jonah.]
Oh, thank you.
You read my mind, movie.
- [Mrs.
Claus.]
Christmas is coming.
- [Crow.]
"Nothing!" [Mrs.
Claus.]
Christmas is coming.
Christmas is coming.
[Tom.]
"So you're Mrs.
Santa Claus, and you couldn't put up one Christmas decoration?" - [Crow.]
"Eat it, Prune.
" - Christmas is coming.
[Jonah whispering.]
I think this is the sequence Tarantino directed.
[Tom.]
"Can we please get paid now? We're done with all the toys.
" [Mrs.
Claus.]
Christmas is coming.
Christmas is coming.
[Crow.]
"Guys and ladies just can't agree on the thermostat, am I right? Women be different than men.
" [Jonah.]
"Would you like to see some close-up magic? It's different than stage magic, more intimate.
" "One, two, three.
Abracadabra, and poof! I'm standing!" [laughs.]
- The clock is striking 12.
- [Tom.]
"I love to count!" - Three.
- [Tom.]
"Ha, ha, ha!" - Four.
- [Tom.]
"Ha, ha, ha!" - Five.
- [Tom.]
"Ha, ha, ha!" - Six.
- [Tom.]
"You get the idea.
" - Oh, Santa, hurry.
Please hurry.
- Eight.
- Nine.
- [Crow.]
Almost ten.
- Ten.
- Hurry, Santa, please.
- Twelve.
- [crashing.]
[elves cheering.]
- I knew he'd be all right! - [Crow.]
Oh, it's the Rapture.
[Tom.]
"They're sucking all the air out!" [Jonah.]
"We brought bagels! Merry Christmas.
" Here's the money for the rent, Mr.
Prune! - [Tom.]
"We broke-a the juke-a-box too!" - Foiled! Foiled! - Santa, you're late! - Foiled again.
I think you'd better hurry up and get that sleigh loaded! Oh, my goodness, yes! You and Mrs.
Santa will have to come along and give me a hand.
[Jonah.]
"Let's make a day of it! It'll be fun!" Now, now, Mr.
Prune, you'll feel better after you've had a cup of tea.
[Crow.]
Man, I hate when old people pay in change.
[Tom.]
Damn, Mrs.
Santa got dumps like a truck.
Hurry up, Mother! No time to lose! - [Mrs.
Claus.]
I'm ready! - [Jonah.]
"Hope you like snow tea.
" Here, Mr.
Prune.
Drink this cup of tea.
You must feel very badly.
I can't stand the kindness! [Tom.]
"Like my jacket? It's Tauntaun by Marc Jacobs.
" [dramatic music.]
[Crow.]
That's the second-floor window.
That snow is deep.
[wind whistling.]
Get the presents on the sleigh! [elves chattering excitedly.]
[Tom.]
Margaret Thatcher is pumped.
[Crow.]
"Throw me the Waterford crystals!" [Crow mimicking crashing.]
[Jonah.]
"Extra-large bassinet? I've got it, thanks!" [Tom.]
"I get it.
It's funny because the package is small and I'm fat.
The ironic contrast is not lost on this old girl!" [Jonah.]
"Lenox china.
" [Jonah mimicking crashing.]
[Tom.]
"Fabergé eggs!" [Tom mimicking crashing.]
[Jonah.]
"iPads!" [Jonah mimicking crashing.]
[Crow.]
"Box of kittens!" - [Crow meowing.]
- [Tom.]
"Wolverine! Grr.
" - [Crow.]
Meow.
- [Tom.]
Grr.
[Jonah.]
"This is industrial acid.
It won't make any noise.
" [Crow.]
Some lucky kid is getting 100 pounds of potatoes.
[Tom.]
"Let me out! I slipped on the conveyor belt and fell into the wrapping machine! I'm not equipped to live in the real world! The North Pole is all I've ever known!" [Jonah.]
"I just cracked the Da Vinci Code!" Oh, yes.
Just a minute.
[Crow.]
"I've done the math, and there's only, like, 14 presents going out!" All comfy, Mother? - [all mimicking crashing.]
- Yes.
Oh, I'm so excited! You've never taken me along before! - [Crow.]
Meow! - [Sam.]
All ready, Santa! - [Santa.]
Here we go, then! - [Crow.]
Ah! Santa! Santa! - [Tom.]
Cruz or Maria? - Hey, wait! [Jonah.]
"You need a cover page for that TPS report!" - [elves clamoring.]
- [Sam.]
Bye! Bye! [Jonah.]
"I can't go back! I don't know how it works! G'bye, folks! Buh-bye!" [Tom.]
We'll always be together [Santa.]
Good-bye! Good-bye! [all screaming.]
- [Tom.]
"Oh, God, what is this?" - [Crow.]
"Oh, God! Painful!" [all.]
"Oh!" - [Jonah.]
Oh! - [Crow.]
"All right, guys.
Another Christmas shot in the ass.
First round's on me.
" - Bye! - [Jonah.]
"What was I saying again?" - [Tom.]
"You're buying!" - [Jonah.]
"Oh, yeah, that's right.
" - [all screaming.]
- [Crow.]
"So painful!" - [Tom.]
"It's painful!" - [Crow.]
"Oh, my leg!" - [Jonah.]
"It hurts so much!" - [Crow.]
"Oh, my leg's on fire.
" [Tom.]
"I can't do this!" [Crow.]
"Trying to claw through the clouds!" - [Jonah.]
"I don't wanna do this anymore!" - [Crow.]
"Why, Donner, why?" - [Tom.]
"We're the Donner party.
" - [Crow.]
"We've lost power!" - [Crow.]
"Santa's going down!" - [Jonah.]
"We're going down!" - [all screaming.]
- [Jonah.]
"Tell my wife I love her!" - [Tom.]
"Here comes the turn!" - [all screaming.]
[Crow mimics explosion.]
[pleasant music.]
[Jonah.]
"Have you seen Mrs.
Claus?" [Crow.]
"Last known photo.
" [Tom.]
"Newbie mistake.
I'll get the plunger.
" [Jonah.]
"All right, dummy, we'll get you out.
" [Crow.]
"Children love Home Depot receipts!" [Tom.]
This process is called tweening.
[Crow.]
"Who noodled in my Santa bag?" [Tom.]
"Not me!" [Jonah.]
"Now I know why I never make this trip.
It's easy for Santa.
He's magic and immortal.
Me? I've already lost two toes to frostbite!" [Jonah straining.]
[Tom.]
"Baby, what the hell are you doing?" [Crow.]
"I'm stealing the presents from this house to give to the next house! Hee-hee!" [Tom.]
"Yeah, I suppose we did only bring, like, nine presents.
" [Tom.]
"Are you out of focus? I'm only, like, 36 dpi.
You?" [Crow.]
"Hey, Santa, look at me! Look at me! Watch me! Whee! Yeah!" [Gypsy.]
Look at all this ash.
Are they in Pompeii? [Tom.]
"Ugh, that woman'll be the death of me.
" [Jonah.]
"But what are you gonna do? I'm Santa.
" [laughs.]
[Tom.]
"Beep-boop!" [Crow.]
"They really skimped on the milk and cookies.
" [Jonah.]
"Timmy, I know when you're awake.
You can stop faking it.
" [Crow.]
"Eh, here's a couple unwrapped Starburst.
" [Tom.]
"And I'll take a little something for Santa, just to wet my beak.
" [Jonah.]
"Oh, no, she's still down there.
" [Crow.]
This is the one honest laugh they shared during the entire production.
[Tom.]
"No, no, help me out, Whipple.
Hold her hair, would ya?" [Jonah.]
"Okay, so that's one house done! Who's hungry?" Here's a package we forgot to deliver! Oh, dear! How could we have missed it? Let me see.
Oh, that must be the package Jonathan threw in at the last minute.
- Does it say who it's for? - Uh, Mother? [Tom.]
"My illiteracy's flaring up again.
" Why, it's for Mr.
Prune! Prune? [Crow.]
I thought we left him before the slide show.
[Tom.]
He obviously has a very strong pimp hand.
[Prune mumbling.]
[Jonah.]
Yeah, he's been drinking from the Sterno on the nightstand.
I think I know what's going on here.
[Prune mumbling.]
Merry Christmas [Crow.]
I've never been so grateful for a cutaway.
Shh! Quiet.
Down we come, Mother.
- [Tom.]
Santa - [Jonah.]
Santa - [Crow.]
Santa - [all.]
Santa! [Sam.]
Shh.
[Tom.]
Spider Prune, Spider Prune I'll just leave the package on his bed, and off we go.
[Jonah.]
Doesn't seem very confident for Santa.
My goodness! Look at all the dust! The poor man certainly needs someone to take care of him.
[Crow.]
She never cleans her own house.
Now suddenly she's Mary Poppins.
[Santa sniffling.]
[Tom.]
"Oh, I want in on that group sneeze.
" - [Prune sneezes.]
- Bless you.
- Thank you.
- [Jonah.]
"Wha-wha-what?" [slow music.]
[Max.]
You're watching The Christmas That Almost Wasn't.
Moon 13 would like to wish our Jewish viewers a happy festival of light, and a joyous Kwanzaa to our Pan-African community.
[Crow.]
"What are you three morons doing?" [Tom.]
Speed-the-Plow.
Isn't this Steppenwolf? Ghosts! Three ghosts! Have you come to haunt me? [Jonah.]
"Two ghosts and a baby.
" Now, now, Mr.
Prune.
- Whatever gave you such an idea? - [Tom.]
"Dickens.
" Really, Mr.
Prune, there's nothing to be frightened of.
It's only Santa and Mr.
Whipple and me.
[Crow.]
"But I haven't fully deployed my eyebrows yet.
" [Prune.]
Invasion of privacy! Ask your lawyer over there! [Jonah.]
"I was disbarred years ago.
" All we want to do is wish you a Merry Christmas and deliver this package to you.
[Crow.]
"Ignore the ticking.
It's perfectly normal for a bomb this size.
" - [Tom.]
Kilroy was here.
- A package? A present? For me? Why not, Mr.
Prune? Christmas is for everybody.
[Crow.]
"Well, not everybody.
Not the swarthy.
You get me.
" - Go on.
Open it.
- [Jonah.]
"I was!" [Tom.]
"Why, it's the True Love !" [Crow.]
"My, she was yar.
" A sailboat.
[Crow.]
"Just like the one that murdered my parents!" Why, it's a sailboat.
Oh, dear, I'm sorry, Mr.
Prune.
I hope you don't think I'm playing a joke on you.
Joke? Why, no.
[Tom.]
"I'm just having a major breakthrough is all.
" I think I have always wanted a sailboat.
You mean you asked for a sailboat? - I don't know.
- [Jonah.]
He didn't.
They incepted this idea into him last night.
I seem to remember [Crow.]
"He's dead! Oh.
Hang on, let me check my sides.
I'm Prune, right? Okay, okay.
Okay, let's go.
" - "From Jonathan.
" - My head bookkeeper.
[Jonah.]
"The Long Elf," as we like to call him.
"Dear Mr.
Prune, Santa asked me to see if there was any record of you.
I couldn't find anything in my books.
But in a corner behind my desk, I found this postcard with your name and address.
" [Crow.]
"And MySpace page? Man, this is old.
" [Tom.]
"'Greetings from Bali Ha'i.
' I get it.
Nice Easter egg, Rossano.
" Santa.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, you had it upside down.
Dolt.
" "Dear Santa, please, may I have a sailboat for Christmas? I love you, and I am five years old.
Signed, Phineas T.
Prune.
" "And that's why Santa never came to visit you.
I am so sorry.
Please forgive me.
But I shall never forgive myself.
" [Crow.]
"I masterminded this entire thing.
" "Sincerely, Jonathan.
" [Jonah mournfully.]
"At least I have you, Boaty McBoatface.
" Now I understand why.
[Crow.]
"I could have shut you down with a block of wood glued to a piece of fabric.
" Everybody said, "There is something funny about little Phineas.
Why doesn't Santa ever visit him? Maybe he isn't a child after all.
" I made up my mind I didn't want to be a child! I wanted to forget I ever was a child! [Santa.]
Poor Phineas.
Oh, no, there is no need to feel sorry for me.
I've got the one thing I've really wanted with all my heart.
[Tom.]
So a toy erases decades of toxic hate and villainy? I do believe I feel better than I have felt in years and years and years.
That's right, my boy.
There's nothing like Christmas to make a fellow feel better.
[Jonah.]
"That and a fine lady, am I right?" May I say just one more thing? [Crow.]
We are the Sultans of swing.
Merry Christmas.
Dear, dear Phineas.
Merry Christmas.
[all.]
Alexander Hamilton [Tom.]
"I love that show, but it's impossible to get tickets.
Santa, could you hook me up?" - Merry Christmas to you! - Merry Christmas, Mr.
Prune.
- [Jonah.]
"Don't leave me hanging, Santa.
" - Merry Christmas.
[Tom.]
"Yes!" Oh, I never knew that Christmas could be so wonderful! And to think of what I've missed all these years! [Crow.]
"But on the bright side, I do own my own city.
" Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? [Jonah.]
"Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?" - [dog barking.]
- Why? Why? Please, please, sir! You'll catch cold.
- Merry Christmas! - [Tom.]
"I think you mean happy holidays.
" [Crow.]
"Check it out.
We Scrooged him good.
" [Prune.]
Merry Christmas! Why can't every day be Christmas [Jonah.]
"I don't know!" Why can't every day be gay [Crow.]
That's a loaded question.
Why can't every day Be merry Christmas Each and every day [Tom.]
"We gave at the office.
Run!" [Crow.]
"Touch the boat.
You know you want to.
" [Jonah.]
"But I have a crippling fear of boats! Get it away from me!" [Crow.]
Filmed through the casing of a Slim Jim.
[Jonah.]
Note the redecorating, courtesy of Mrs.
Santa.
[Tom.]
"Well, Super Christmas Team, up the chimney we go!" [Crow.]
"Don't you ever correct me in front of my wife again, Whipple.
" [Tom.]
"Not so fast, you big baby.
I mean my widdle baby.
" Thank you, Sam.
Thank you.
[Jonah.]
"Now, I'll have to wipe your memory.
You understand.
" [Tom coos like a baby.]
[Crow.]
"Well, this is my bus.
" [Tom.]
You'd think he'd feel awkward being suddenly left alone at a stranger's house, but not Sam.
[Jonah.]
"Widdle baby, everyone.
" [Crow.]
That's not your hat, you know.
[Tom.]
"I locked myself out.
" [Jonah.]
"I put my tongue on thith benth, and now I'm thtuck.
" [Crow.]
"Finally, a patsy that I can infect with the Christmas spirit!" [Tom.]
"I'm projecting my childhood traumas onto you!" [Crow.]
Ugh, this is the worst live-action adaptation of Spy vs.
Spy ever.
[Crow.]
I think we may just have to accept this as a societal anachronism that doesn't fit into today's social mores.
[Tom.]
True that, but I'm still hoping the kid hits Prune with a pipe or, at the very least, a sock filled with manure.
[chorus.]
Why can't every day Be Christmas [Jonah.]
His pajamas say "pee pee"? Come on, grow up, movie.
[Crow.]
"Make him one of us, one of us.
Gooble-gobble.
Gooble-gobble.
" [chorus.]
Why can't every day Be merry Christmas [Tom.]
"Well, I got what I always wanted and showed true generosity by giving it to a child.
Now on to the next movie, where we deal with my Easter issues!" [Jonah.]
Why can't every day be Christmas? Because it would drive everyone out of their minds! [Tom.]
Wait! It appears to be a ransom note from Hanna-Barbera.
[man.]
So that was the Christmas that almost wasn't [Crow.]
Oh, good, I wondered what happened to Blossom.
[Tom.]
"Sir, I've been standing outside for days.
I only have keys to the top four locks but not the bottom two.
" [Jonah.]
"I was really just looking to adopt one kid, but, ah, what the hell, I'm rich.
Come on in.
I'm adopting all of you!" [Crow.]
So now that he's got the sailboat, is he going to go and get all the toys he missed out growing up? [Tom.]
Oh, yeah, you can see tonight, he's just gonna be plugged into eBay desperately trying to re-create 20 years of Christmases.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, boy, I'll start with the Darth Vader head carrying case with all the Kenner action figures.
Except Leia.
No girl toys, thank you very much.
" [Crow.]
"Not to mention the Masters of the Universe.
I'm getting Snake Mountain.
I'm getting Spydor.
I'm getting the Mighty Horde!" [Tom.]
"Teddy Ruxpin, unopened? Unbelievable.
Buy it now? By all means.
" [Jonah.]
"Gloworms, yes.
Micronauts, yes.
Madballs, yes!" [Tom.]
"Got it.
Got it.
Got it.
Want it.
" [Jonah.]
"Is it really five in the morning?" [Crow.]
"I know it's late, but I've got to get into these real deep-cut Ninja Turtle knockoffs.
I know it's stupid, but I'm a sucker for ironic toy buys.
Cowboys of Moo Mesa.
Biker Mice from Mars.
Street Sharks.
Battletoads.
Cyboars! Hoo-hoo!" [doors clanking and whirring.]
[cheery Christmas music.]
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Oh! Hey, Sam, this is fun! [laughs.]
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!