Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e14 Episode Script

1 Hey, everybody.
Welcome to the Satellite of Love.
Uh, I'm getting married today, uh, so the bots and I are having a little bachelor heart-to-heart.
Jonah, maybe it's the bathtub motor oil talking, but I don't dislike you.
Yeah, at first we thought you were so dumb and so clumsy and so smelly and just a total waste of space.
Oh, and you are most of those things.
We really were hoping for more of a combination of Joel and Mike, which I think would be a lot like T.
J.
Miller.
But we got you instead.
- And that hasn't been so bad.
- Yeah.
That means a lot, guys.
I like you a lot, too.
Uh, so much so that I wanted to try making another bot of my own.
So extend those warm, fuzzy feelings over to Growler.
Oh, hey there, guys.
Uh, I'm Growler.
I'm an easygoing robot who likes to play the piano, - but not in a showy-off kind of way.
- No.
I'm designed to pretty much be impossible not to get along with! Oh, we'll see about that! Heston, you stupid dope! You really stepped in it this time! I hope the tube comes down and sucks you right out of the cold open.
Yeah! Oh, well, wouldn't that just be a little too convenient, huh? Oh, man.
[screaming.]
Hey, you shut it, Doofus Wainwright.
Oh, I take that as a compliment.
[machinery whirring, Jonah screaming.]
[upbeat music.]
[man.]
In the not-too-distant future [man.]
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- [man.]
Next Sunday A.
D.
- [man.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
[man.]
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? [man.]
A distress call came in for him At half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon [Kinga.]
I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - [singers.]
La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Now, keep in mind That Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends [man.]
Robot roll call [together.]
Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow [man.]
If you're wondering How he eats and breathes - And other science facts - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 [Jonah.]
Come on, he's basically Rowlf the Dog! And who doesn't love Rowlf the Dog? He's dead to us, and you're dead to us.
Oh.
Sorry, Growler.
Hey, no problem, you know.
I'm programmed not to sweat the little stuff.
Nice to meet you guys.
Well, it it was not nice meeting you! - Yeah! Burn! - [computer chiming.]
Oh, you guys, now the Mads are calling.
What do you mean no one's RSVP'd! You've alienated a lot of people.
Well, yeah, on purpose.
Those people stink.
But what kind of wedding doesn't have guests? I mean, a pathetic, sad one.
Okay, don't worry.
The Observer Hive Mind manager said he can bring us a crowd.
- His his ship is outside.
- Oh.
[Kinga.]
Hey, pal.
You really the manager of the Observer Hive Mind? Yep, yep.
You betcha, miss.
Come this afternoon, I'll have a whole mess of Observers for you.
Oh, wow.
[chuckles.]
The power at your command.
I'm doing my best, but it's not easy.
Observers are a complicated breed.
May not look it, but keeping them fed, clean, so forth travel that's a lot of planning.
Room to sleep, hose down.
You understand.
It's a blessed thing, but it's a hardship sometimes.
Yeah, whatever.
I-I just I need that ceremony packed.
I want the fire marshal to shut us down.
Well, I have the austere responsibility of commanding all 40,000 Observers.
But sure, I'll do whatever.
This'll be fun.
Hey, Kinga, you know, maybe you're going a little overboard with all this.
[chuckles.]
Jonah J.
Heston, it is the God-given right of every American woman to become a North Korean dictator on her wedding day.
[chuckles humorlessly.]
Uh, anyway, Jonah, what kind of couple do you think we'll be? Do you think we'll look cute together? Will people envy us? They better! What's your invention? You know how temporary tattoos always wear off before you're done with them? Presenting permanent temporary tattoos.
The temporary tattoos that last forever! Here, Jonah, we made you one.
All you got to do is set 'em, wet 'em and then live with 'em forever.
"Mawwiage.
" [Jonah.]
What do you think? Seeing Kinga give her heart to another makes me want to die.
But who says funerals can't be as exciting as weddings? Turn your loved one's memorial into a party zone with the Rip Taylor Urn Cannon! It puts the "fun" in "funeral" and the "R.
I.
P.
" in "Rip Taylor.
" Good-bye, Uncle Charlie! Now blast him! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it right there.
Um, I'm getting married here in a half an hour.
Were you seriously about to coat this entire room in, like, t-t-the dustings of human remains? What is wrong with you? Are you trying to ruin my wedding? Maybe.
Get that thing out of here.
And, Jonah, in your final remaining hours of freedom, I give you a magnificent feast of ill-fitting creature suits, Anglo-American semi-racism, and Doug McClure.
It's actually kind of fun.
My betrothed, enter the nightmare-fueled world of At the Earth's Core.
Movie in the hole! [liquid gurgling.]
Technically this movie is part of my bachelor party.
What happens in the theater stays in the theater, bro.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! - Ahh! - Bro, bro, bro! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Jonah.]
Who let Emerson, Lake & Palmer in here? [chuckles.]
Right, guys? [Crow.]
Yeah, right, "Amicus" was the album right after Tarkus.
[Tom.]
"But the real story of Kagan's Menswear starts right here, in the center of the Earth.
" [Jonah.]
We're just seconds in, and there's already a sub-plot-sky? [chuckles.]
[Tom.]
Doug McClure? I forgot him like that land that time did! [Crow.]
Huh? [Jonah.]
Wow, this is one really long whiz.
- [Crow and Tom.]
Eww - [Jonah.]
Guys, I meant Cheese Whiz.
Come on.
[Crow.]
The Dr.
Who no one is tempted to cosplay.
[Tom.]
Edgar Rice Burroughs They're really trying to spread the blame around.
[Jonah.]
Is that Cooper Black? That's the same font they used for "Vote for Pedro" shirts.
- [Tom.]
And Pet Sounds.
- [Crow.]
And Garfield.
[Jonah.]
And Anderson Cooper, too! [bright music playing.]
[Tom.]
Oh, I feel a song coming on.
Come one and all And smelt some metal today Pick up a hammer And bang a kettle, hooray [Crow.]
Here in the factory, We are at work Driving you people completely berserk [Tom.]
Sometimes we just Stand around and watch [Jonah.]
Here in our foundry, We are singing our song Smelting the hell Out of everything coming along [Crow.]
Put this thing In this fiery thing Pour it into this other thing [Tom.]
We are elated to get compensated To make the fire, make the iron melt [all.]
We smelt We smelt We smelt [Crow.]
"When this battle station becomes fully operational, it will be the ultimate power in the universe! Set course for Alderaan! Good show.
" Yes, yes.
Good luck with the hat party! [Jonah, chuckling.]
Oh, Bloom County.
I've got to show this to Susan.
[Tom, imitating Mickey Mouse.]
"Uhh Mr.
Subotsky? Mr.
Milton Subotsky? Congratulations, sir!" [Jonah.]
The crayon factory got braggy.
[Crow.]
"All right, I'll produce this picture, but my name appears over the first wide shot of the giant drill.
Deal?" [Tom.]
The launching of the SS Over-Compensatius.
[whistle blowing.]
[Jonah.]
"Yabba dabba doo!" [Crow.]
I wonder if the conductor is Ringo Starr or George Carlin.
[Tom.]
Yes, thank you.
We hear that train a-comin'.
Slowly does it, Mr.
Evans.
When I give the word.
Now, are you ready with your cork, sir? - [Jonah.]
"Always!" - Great big smile.
Beautiful.
Ready? - Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh - [Jonah chuckles.]
"Oh, I hate a parade.
" "Get out of here, parade.
Get out! Get! Go on, get!" - [Maisie.]
Take us with you! - [Crow.]
"No!" [David.]
Sorry, Maisie.
No passengers allowed.
[Gadbsy.]
Tell you what, Innes, I'll bet you 50 guineas my coach and four will beat you to the other side.
[David.]
Good idea.
While you're galloping over the top, we'll be drilling through the middle.
That'll do.
Stop there.
[Crow.]
The giant Rice Krispie treats are in! - Thank you.
- [David.]
Doc? Oh! David, my dear fellow, what a proud moment this is.
I hope your faith in me will be fully justified.
I just made a wager.
A little champagne to success? Oh yes, I'll I'll drink to that.
Oh, no, nope.
I better not.
I'm I'm at the controls, and you must keep a clear head, too, David.
- Winterbottom - Mr.
Innes, sir.
- Dowsett of The Times.
- Oh.
- How do you do, sir? - How do you do? - [Crow.]
"How do you do?" - This is Dr.
Abner Perry.
- How do you do? - [Crow.]
"How do you do?" - [Tom.]
"How do you do?" - [Crow.]
"How do you do?" Dr.
Perry was kind enough to nominate me as his worst student.
Took me longer to graduate from geological engineering than any other man alive.
Oh, but you have many fine qualities, David.
But you were rather slow.
And that is rather surprising because his father was so clever.
One of the best we ever had in, uh, '58, I think it was.
Yes, yes.
'58.
[Tom.]
"Got it.
Americans are dumb.
" Should have been here to see the Mole.
[Dowsett.]
Ah.
That is what you call it.
The the Iron Mole.
[David.]
That's what I call it.
Dr.
Perry here calls it a high-calibration digging machine.
It'll bore through solid rock at a rate of 78 feet per minute.
And this is your design, Dr.
Perry? The finance has been provided by Mr.
Innes, I gather.
Oh! Pardon me.
- David.
Gyroscopes.
- [Crow.]
"Language!" I know that today is just a test run through our Welsh hills.
- Good day.
David, come along.
- Good day, sir.
But can you tell me, is it really your intention to eventually explore deep into the bowels of the Earth? [Jonah.]
"Well, Eric Idle?" Sir, we've been on top of the Earth long enough.
It's about time we found out what's underneath.
[Crow.]
"We're hopped up on absinthe and snuff!" - [Jonah.]
Phineas T - [all.]
Mitchell! [Tom.]
"We have to go pose for that Monet painting! Bye!" [Crow.]
"Ha.
Tater salad.
Ha.
" - Big crowd, huh, Doc? - [Jonah.]
Eight people? [Doc.]
Concentrate, David.
Close doors.
[Gypsy.]
Why is he dressed like Scrooge McDuck? - [Doc.]
Locks on.
- [Crow.]
"Locks off.
" - [David.]
All secure.
- [Crow.]
"Not secure.
" - [Doc sighs.]
- How are we? - Ready to go, Doc? - Oh, yes, yes, my dear fellow.
I'll just check the gyroscopes.
[Jonah.]
"Songs about Drilling" mixtape, check.
- [machinery whirring.]
- Ah.
Very nice.
[Tom.]
They've got a towel.
They're ready to go anywhere! Well, would you like to move off, my boy? - Ready and willing, Doc.
- Good luck and happy landings.
[Crow sniffs.]
Ooh, is that me? Ugh.
Oh dear.
Where is that smoke coming from? [Jonah.]
"I'm not smoking, Doc.
I'm vaping.
" Ah, yes, you better put that out until we're under way.
- [Tom.]
"And then blaze away!" - Procedure check.
[Jonah.]
"Ooh, right in the bidet.
" Vision ports? Opening vision ports.
[Crow.]
Hey, Ernie Kovacs is on! Yay! [Tom.]
You've invented the Iron Mole, but you've also invented television, which is better.
[Jonah.]
You know, I heard they faked the first mole drilling.
Control? Begin lift.
- Steady up to ten degrees.
- [Crow.]
Is he designing a bra? Check the inclinometer as we go, David.
[Tom.]
"Oh come on, they're stairs, Doc.
You're so full of it, man.
" [Gadsby.]
Milford, get the horses ready.
Otherwise I shall lose 50 guineas.
[Maisie.]
No cheating, Archie.
You can't start until they're off.
[Tom and Crow imitating chickens clucking.]
[Jonah.]
"The Chicken Endurance Test is ready to engage!" Bawk! Fourteen, 15 Right.
Hold at that and lock off.
- Locked off.
- Thank you, Control.
Vision lights aft.
[Crow.]
"So traffic behind us knows when we're braking.
" Vision lights forward.
[Tom.]
"Old-timey.
Activated.
" - Nose.
Cutters.
- [Crow.]
Nose cutters? I've put those in my nose before.
It's rough but thorough.
Right.
Bring in the crawler banks.
[Tom.]
"Doc, I can't.
I have arachnophobia.
" Firing engines now.
[Crow.]
All right, we're impressed.
Let's go! Here we go.
Ten, nine, eight, seven [Tom.]
"What comes before seven?" - four, three - [Tom.]
Huh? two, one.
Release! [Jonah.]
It's a charming Victorian-era fracking.
Up a little on the throttles, David.
I have her at 1,800.
[Crow.]
"Ooh! It seems I've forgotten to invent airbags!" - Going in again.
- [Tom.]
"Think of England.
" [Jonah.]
It's like the Hindenburg in reverse.
Nose gripping now.
Cut in the tail pan.
Tail pan at 300.
[Gadsby.]
Come on, girls! Off we go! Come on, Milford! [cheers and applause.]
Steady the throttles! - We're in! - [Crow.]
Extreme danger! [Tom.]
Upper mantle, lower mantle, Mickey Mantle.
[Doc.]
Slow her down, David.
Arm the throttles, don't cut the engines.
[Jonah.]
"Look, do you want to drive? What a nag.
" Shoo! By gad, that cannot be possible.
Quick, what does the distance meter read? - [Crow.]
That'll fix it! - Confounded contraption! Should be 700 feet deep by the time we get her back to horizontal.
[Tom.]
"Adjust the fine tuning.
I think I can get channel 29.
" She's going too fast! [Crow.]
"I'm on a highway to hell!" I can't change her course Most extraordinary thing.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, always layer when you're going to the Earth's core.
The hull's burning up inside, Doc.
[Tom.]
"Engines at maximum steampunk!" I sha Can you Can you just take over, David? - Ah, ah, yes.
- [Tom.]
Ah-choo.
- Oh - Don't get up.
- I can't Ha.
Oh.
Ah.
- Doc! [Crow.]
"I'm coming, Elizabeth.
" Doc! Perry! [Tom.]
"I have the vapors!" [David.]
Don't! [Jonah.]
Well, if he dies, at least he's already buried.
[Crow.]
Oh, it's already tomorrow in Australia! [Tom.]
Hey, Jerry Lee Lewis! [Jonah.]
"Does this spell dirt-saster for our dynamic duo? Find out next week.
Same mole time, same mole channel!" [Crow.]
"Oh, burrowing through the Earth is so good for your outer core.
" [Tom.]
"I ate the whole thing of Oreos.
I shouldn't have done that.
Ugh.
" [Jonah.]
Fact they strapped a GoPro to a golden retriever for this scene.
[Crow.]
Aw, they're so lucky.
I can never fall asleep on an out-of-control digging machine.
[Tom.]
"Oh, you mixed the colors with the whites.
Now everything will come out pink!" [Crow.]
Fifty-seven channels, and nothing's on.
[Jonah.]
Christmas Town? [Crow.]
Hey, they made it to Middle Earth! - Perry.
Doc.
- [Tom.]
"Office party?" - [Jonah.]
Oh, the first Bluetooth.
- Doc.
[Doc moaning.]
- Doc! - Oh! - You all right? - Where was I? [Crow.]
"I dreamt I was a protocol droid!" Oh, it's c-c-cold.
- Temperature.
- Hmm? - [David.]
Look at it.
- [Tom.]
"I'm that Morpheus meme.
What if I told you [chuckles.]
That never gets old.
" Ice.
It can't be possible.
Fascinating.
Just make a note of the Oh! Just make a note of the temperature, will you? [Jonah.]
"I should have brought along my throttle cozy.
- Ouch!" - She's going up! [Crow.]
"Thank goodness for Google Maps!" [Max.]
A scientist and his no-account wealthy ex-student appear to have driven a steam-powered Iron Mole to a location we can only assume is at the Earth's core.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
A little more throttle, David! [Jonah.]
Oh, great.
Now they're running out of gas.
[Tom.]
Fries are up.
[David.]
Temperature's rising, Doc.
We're on our way home.
[Crow.]
"I guess that horse and buggy beat us after all.
" We appear to be in the middle of an underground lake at the moment.
[Jonah.]
"Put the wipers on.
" [Tom.]
It's a good thing the Iron Mole can swim.
Oh! Excellent! Excellent! Lifting nicely! I knew she'd do it! - Lifting nicely? - [Doc and David singing.]
[Jonah.]
We got to get you guys in the studio! [Crow.]
Doc is way off script.
Hold on, Doc! [Tom.]
"This is where I prove my commitment to the project!" [David.]
Don't quit us now! Hold on! [Jonah.]
"Ah, this is your captain speaking.
We're not over the Rocky Mountains.
We are in the Rocky Mountains.
Thank you for flying Air Mole.
" [Crow.]
"I'm not sold on Oculus Rift.
" [Tom.]
Let's get back in line and go again.
[Jonah.]
And I'm dead.
[Crow.]
"Hey, you party, Doc?" - [Doc.]
Total power failure? - [Jonah.]
"Power!" Oh, how very disappointing! It must've been the water.
I didn't allow for that contingency.
[David.]
Well, Doc, shall we see where we are? - Yes.
- Oh.
[Doc.]
I'll, uh, just get my umbrella.
The weather seems so changeable.
[Tom.]
"Did I mention I'm British?" [Doc.]
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Where did I put it amongst all this lot? Ah.
There it is.
[Jonah.]
"Oof, I'm always losing umbrellas every time I go to the center of the Earth!" [chuckles mockingly.]
[Crow.]
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this crazy thing called life.
" [Jonah.]
"Ceti Alpha V.
McCoy, you're with me.
Spock, you have the bridge.
" [Tom.]
"Hey, looks like we've landed.
Point me to the nearest Bennigan's.
" Doc? Doc! - [Crow.]
Goose! - [Doc.]
Yes, yes.
Come on.
Come here, quick.
[Doc.]
I really must check the reason for that power failure.
I don't like being [Tom.]
"Oops, I wet 'em!" What an unbelievable sight! [Jonah.]
"It looks different on the timeshare Website.
" - Oops! - Steady, Doc.
[Crow.]
You can tell he was an indoor kid.
David, this can't be the other side of the hill.
Surely! Unless it's changed dramatically.
[Jonah.]
I was just thinking, what if this wasn't a movie, but David is just gaming his uncle with Alzheimer's? Well, where are we? Look at this Mesozoic moss.
Or is it a cycad? Ah, I'm not sure.
I've only seen it before in fossilized form.
I would dearly love to take a frond back with me.
That'd be great, Doc, just great.
But where on Earth can we be? [Tom.]
Where in Earth, you mean, huh? - Because of the premise? - Oh, I say.
Steady, they may be stingers.
Onward, dear boy.
[Crow.]
"Oh, a vodka stinger would really hit the spot right now.
" - [Jonah.]
Oh, look out, look out.
- [all shouting.]
- [Crow.]
Giant mushrooms! - [Tom.]
Giant mushroom.
[Doc.]
What an extraordinary sky.
[David.]
What a strange color, Doc.
This cannot be the Rhondda Valley.
[Jonah.]
I think it's Tim Burton's backyard.
I've never seen anything like it.
- Like nothing on Earth.
- [Tom.]
"Outside of my opium dreams.
" [Crow.]
"Stupid Apple watch.
Mm.
Never buy the first generation.
" David we are not on Earth.
We're Well, if we're not on Earth, Doc, then where the hell are we? From my observations, dear friend, I can positively state that we are under it.
- Under? - At the Earth's core.
[Jonah.]
"Now that's a title.
" [Tom squawking.]
"Polly want to kill you!" [bird screeching.]
[Crow.]
"Does this film have socially redeeming value?" By Jove! How very interesting.
- Uh, D-Doc? - Mm? No, I don't think you want to get too close to that.
[Crow.]
Voice work by Axl Rose.
[thudding.]
Yes.
It is a somewhat aggressive-looking creature.
[Tom.]
We're being chased by a giant monster movie! [Jonah.]
Oh, she's crushing her own eggs.
The jury will not be kind.
[all singing "Benny Hill" music.]
[Crow.]
"Getting harder to smoke!" David! Don't lose contact! [Tom.]
"Hey, free hugs! Bring it in!" Oh! Hang on, Doc.
[Crow.]
"Climb up to mouth level.
" [Jonah.]
Music by the Bowling Green Symphony Orchestra.
[Tom.]
"I'll discourage him with this leaf!" David! - Hang on, Doc! - [Jonah.]
"I went through a portal!" [bird screeching.]
Oh! [Crow.]
"Oof, his area.
Ugh.
" [David whistles.]
[Tom.]
You know, I hope somebody saved all this stuff when they were done filming.
It'd be a real shame if they threw it out.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, you could build a miniature golf course with it or a playground for the kids.
[Crow.]
Stay away from those Mirelurk eggs! [Tom.]
"Peek-a-boo!" [Jonah.]
He can't chase you off the rear projection screen.
They'll cut right before he even gets there.
Look.
[Crow.]
"Shouldn't I be collecting coins or something? Ooh, I got an extra life! Bing!" [Tom imitates squelching.]
[Jonah.]
H.
R.
Crushnstuf! [Tom.]
"Cannonball!" [Crow.]
Well, at least this way, no one will know he wet his pants.
[bird screeching.]
- [screeching stops.]
- [Jonah.]
Thank you! [Tom.]
"Who threw that? You're getting a detention!" [Crow.]
"Aw, thank God for hemp!" [Jonah.]
"Ooh, I shouldn't have done all those whippets!" - [indistinct distorted chatter.]
- Oh, dear.
Oh! Oh! [Tom.]
"Welcome to the world of the Monchichi!" I say, do be careful! [Jonah.]
"I have osteoporosis!" [Crow grunts.]
"Why am I so hungry for gravy all of a sudden?" [indistinct distorted chatter.]
[Tom.]
Their language is like AM radio with bad reception.
[Jonah.]
I can't believe they all agreed on the same haircut.
[Crow.]
"You're under arrest for crimes against that shirt, mister!" But we came in peace! [Tom.]
"Oh, is that why you drove a huge drill through my kid's middle school?" [Jonah.]
"Cecil B.
DeMille's The Bible.
" [Crow.]
"This is the line for Dr.
Dog.
" [Tom.]
"I remember my first day.
" - [David grunting.]
- Oh! Oh, oh, David! How good to see that you're safe.
[Jonah.]
It's the drummer from Parson! [David.]
Have you ever seen anything like this before? - No.
- Those prisoners look human.
Yes.
And they appear to be intellectually superior to our captors.
I do find that interesting.
They seem a pretty subhuman species, yet the master race.
Isn't that always the way? Yes, the power of aggression, dear boy.
Brawn before brains.
No! Don't hit him! I'll remember him, Doc, but they all look the same.
- Yes.
- [Crow.]
"So we'll beat all of them up.
" [Jonah.]
Kevin Kline? [Tom.]
"This week on Sons of Anarchy " [Crow.]
"Hi.
Let my people go.
" [Jonah.]
It's Richard Simmons! Oh, he cracked him! Ooh! [Tom.]
Picture yourself In a boat on the river With tangerine fields And marmalade skies [Crow.]
What is this, the Sid and Marty Krofft death march? [Tom.]
Hey, it's Rocksteady! "You want us to shred 'em, Boss?" [Jonah.]
They should really trim those.
[Crow.]
"Are we there yet?" [Jonah.]
I think those are the guys from Yes.
And there's Kansas and Genesis, early Genesis.
Why, they've enslaved all of prog rock! [Tom.]
"I want to march with the cool kids.
" [Crow.]
"Ooh, she's the new girl at Urban Outfitters.
Hey.
" Don't you think it's about time we introduced ourselves to our fellow sufferers? Dr.
Abner Perry at your service, ma'am.
[Tom.]
"I may be old, but I know the ways of love.
" - David.
- [Jonah.]
"I like ham.
" - Dia.
- [David.]
Dia? [Crow.]
"Ask me my name.
I'm fun, too.
" - You can call him Doc.
- [Jonah.]
"I won't.
" - Ghak.
- [David.]
Oh, Ghak.
[Tom.]
"Ghak meet Doc meet Dia.
We're in Dr.
Seuss now.
Boom!" - Oh! - Dia [David.]
Who's that man up in front who keeps looking at me? He is Hoojah the Sly One.
Do not trust him.
[Crow.]
"Oh, I shouldn't have let him hold our wallets.
" [Tom.]
"Who are you?" [giggles.]
Bing! Bing! [doors clanking and whirring.]
Hey, everybody, uh, I was inspired by the Victorian technology in the movie to give the bots a steampunk makeover, because gluing some gears to an old hat turns low self-esteem into high self-esteem-punk! Check out the all-new, all-old Crow.
Hey, Crow.
How's it feel? I can barely stay upright, but I feel more confident and, I'll just say it, more attractive.
- Yeah.
- I'm exceedingly Instagrammable! - Like! Share! Retweet! - Huzzah! [chuckles.]
And here's Tom Servo, gov'na.
Oy! Ugh, I have a headache.
You also have gears, gizmos, and gadgets galore, Tom.
[chuckles.]
- Isn't that fun? - Oh, cool.
[chuckles.]
All right.
Oh, and also, finally the belle of the ball, Gypsy! Oh, scope that flashlight monocle.
It's radically obsolete.
Oh, this is uncomfortable and impractical.
- And I love it.
[laughing.]
- Yeah! The four of us are also starting a steampunk-themed band Steamweaver! We'll tour coast to coast in an actual blimp, playing Comic-Cons, ren fests, aerospace museums, really anywhere we can dock a blimp.
[chuckles.]
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, oh, oh! - Fellas, we got movie sign! - [all shouting.]
[doors clanking and whirring.]
[Crow.]
Black Harpo? Wow.
[Jonah.]
Ooh, right in the tribbles! [Crow.]
Black Harpo is everywhere.
Honk, honk.
[Tom.]
"Do you think they're paying us overtime for this?" [Jonah.]
"I smell gravy everywhere.
" - Perry.
- [Jonah.]
"Do you smell gravy?" - [Crow.]
"I smell gravy.
" - [Jonah.]
"She smells gravy.
" Does it ever get dark here? According to my watch, we've been traveling for two days.
Well, here there can be no night, just perpetual daylight.
[Tom.]
Like Sweden.
We are in a cave, you understand, a gigantic cave.
And the sky is the underside of the Earth's crust the magma Probably something like 20 miles above us.
[Jonah.]
"Uh, sorry, I was just thinking about hot dogs.
" [Crow.]
"I like hot dogs.
" [indistinct distorted chatter.]
Conserve your energy, dear boy.
We are both going to need it.
- That was my father's watch.
- [Tom.]
"And I was gonna eat that!" [Doc.]
Oh, really! Dia who are they? [Crow.]
You're just asking this now, two days later? Sagoths.
Soldiers of the Mahars.
Oh, and, pardon me.
What are Mahars? Mahars rule Pellucida.
And the Sagoths take us to be slaves in their city.
- What a charming prospect.
- [Hoojah.]
Dia! - [indistinct distorted chatter.]
- [Tom.]
Ooh, it's a fight.
Yeah! [Crow.]
Fight! Yeah! Come on! Get some! Get some! - [Crow and Tom shouting.]
- [Jonah.]
Phil Hartman is Fight Watcher! [Tom.]
"You want some more?" [Crow.]
"You still smell gravy?" [Jonah.]
"Not so much.
" [Tom.]
Thompson Twins.
[Crow.]
"Yes, it's a booger.
" [Jonah.]
Norah Jones? [Tom.]
"That all you got?" [all.]
All we are saying Is give peace a chance - [man.]
Dia.
- [indistinct distorted chatter.]
Your act of chivalry didn't seem very popular, David.
[all.]
All we are saying Is give peace a chance [Jonah.]
"I was at the back of the chain, but with exercise, healthy diet, and some positive thinking, I'm now in front Oh, no!" [Crow.]
"Move back! Turns out being in front isn't all that great!" [all screaming.]
[Tom.]
Jim Henson's Muppet Atrocity.
[Jonah.]
"Barry Gibb is delicious!" [Crow.]
"I hate chain restaurants.
Bleh!" [Jonah.]
"Honey, I'm home!" [Tom.]
Actually, food on a chain is a really strong concept.
[Crow.]
I could see them totally running with this at a state fair.
[Jonah.]
"They're showing At the Earth's Core behind this berm!" [Tom.]
"We've got an exceedingly hip group of youths this year!" [Crow.]
"Fight the power, everyone!" [Jonah.]
"I hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight.
" [Tom.]
It must smell terrible inside those suits.
[Jonah.]
Hey, no goring below the belt.
[Crow.]
"Once again, the delicate ballet of nature plays out like a South African street fight.
" [Tom.]
"Come on, beautiful love people!" [creature grunting.]
[Jonah.]
"Flatulence?" [Crow.]
"Sorry, this happens every time I eat slaves.
" [groans imitates farting.]
[Jonah.]
"That's it! Show's over! Back on the bus!" - Pardon me.
- [Crow.]
"He's developing a silly walk!" - Doc! - [Tom.]
"But I can do CPR!" [Jonah.]
"Don't hold on to me.
Jeez.
Hold on to the chain, you weirdo.
Come on.
" [all.]
All we are saying is [Doc.]
That must be the city of the Mahars! [all.]
Give peace a chance [Crow.]
Nice they let him keep his umbrella, but it seems like a security risk.
Oh! [indistinct distorted chatter.]
Oh, they're so excitable, like all foreigners.
[all.]
Whoa! - Dia.
- [Jonah.]
"Do you want me?" Just wanted to ask her how much farther.
[Tom.]
How would she know? They're giving us the cold shoulder, David.
We certainly seem to have blotted our copybook somehow.
- [indistinct distorted chatter.]
- [Jonah.]
Flash mob! [Crow.]
Ah, the first Olympic torch-lighting ceremonies were hella depressing.
[Jonah.]
Joe Flaherty from SCTV? [Crow.]
Earl Holliman, undercover, from Police Woman? [Tom.]
"Night falls quickly in the Earth's core.
" [Sagoth shouts.]
[Crow.]
Day 34 of the Stanford Prison Experiment.
[Jonah.]
They just wanted to loosen their pores a bit in the sauna first.
[Crow.]
This is like one of those extreme haunted houses where you have to sign a waiver first.
[Tom.]
"I think he wants us to sit or something?" [Jonah.]
"All right, David, but you know it's going to wreak havoc on my piles.
- Oof!" - [Doc.]
Noisy lot, aren't they, David? - [Crow.]
"Hey, I like jazz.
" - [Doc groans.]
[Tom.]
"If only I'd brought my Tempur-Pedic seat cushion from the Iron Mole.
" [Jonah.]
"What do you think, Rob Zombie? You've been quiet this whole trip.
" [Crow.]
"Ow, I've got a butt-ache you wouldn't believe.
Oh.
" [Jonah.]
"Oh, that's right, it's a vigil for the guy at the end of the chain.
" - Doc? - Hmm? Dia.
- [David.]
Dia she's gone.
- [Doc.]
Oh? She's not here? Ghak, what happened to Dia? [Crow.]
"The name's Gack.
Ghak is an insult to my culture.
" Hoojah the Sly One.
He escaped with the girl you refused.
- I what? - You insulted Dia.
Do you not know what you have done? No.
When a man from Pellucida fights with another man for a woman, - she belongs to he who wins.
- [Tom.]
Like eHarmony.
Well, you should have claimed her or released her, but you showed contempt for her by doing nothing.
[Jonah.]
Ghak is way too good an actor for this movie.
Now no man can take her as mate until he's overcome you in combat.
[Crow.]
"When do you morons find the time to make up all these rules?" I didn't know.
I-I-I thought I was protecting her.
[Tom.]
"No one gave me a lady guide pamphlet.
" Forgive me for you could not have known.
[Crow.]
"Still, I hate you so much.
" Dia was in hiding from Jubal.
The Ugly One.
[Jonah.]
Oh, right, that narrows the field a lot.
He is a man with the strength of of many men.
[Tom.]
Two and a Half Men? And he has made it known that he wants Dia for his mate.
[Crow.]
"I didn't need the whole Linkedln profile, jeez.
" There is no one who can defend her against him, so Dia fled to the hills.
[Jonah.]
Wait, it's that easy to escape? Only to be captured by a Sagoth raiding party.
[Tom.]
Buddy, you're not gonna get decent reception in a cave.
Come on.
There is something you should know, my friend.
[Crow.]
Plastics.
- Dia is a princess.
- [Tom.]
"A Disney princess? - Is it Jasmine?" - The daughter of kings.
[Jonah.]
"This gives me a lot of pleasure, you realize.
" She is proud, and she will never forgive you, even if you did find her again, which you will not.
[Crow.]
"Just to rub it in a little bit more.
" We are all doomed to slavery and death.
[Tom.]
"Uh, yeah.
Nice talking to you.
" [Max.]
The bumper is the segment you're watching now.
It's designed to invoke the feeling of a commercial break [laughs.]
while not taking itself too seriously.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Jonah.]
I like how the filmmakers are giving the Sagoths equal screen time.
It's a very proactive move, showing some of the conflicts within the Mahar-ruled societal structure.
Or they're just trying to fill time.
[Tom.]
Those Vera Wang split dresses were all the rage at the Tonys.
[Doc.]
They are no respecters of age, are they? [Crow.]
"Neither am I.
Let's go, you old fop.
" [indistinct distorted chatter.]
[Tom.]
I fell in To a burning cave of fire David! What a phenomenal sight! A fire curtain! Whoo! [Jonah.]
"Reminds me of an open-pit barbecue.
If we could just push one of those pig dudes in there, oh, Lord, that'd be delicious.
Oh, yeah, now they're lowering the chocolate lava dessert.
Man, I must be hungry!" [Tom.]
"David, did you notice the water feature?" [Crow.]
"That was just the soft opening.
The big splashy grand opening is in June.
Keep that in mind.
" [Jonah.]
"We've got spirit, yes, we do! We've got spirit! How about you?" [Tom.]
"Welcome to Hall H.
This is the Zach Snyder panel.
We're going to need to confiscate your phones.
" [Crow.]
"I hope this is the Batman v Superman trailer and it's worth all this trouble.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, they're gonna do Cats! [Tom.]
"You got it, Doc? Okay, let's watch.
" [Crow.]
"I just flew in from the Jurassic period, and, boy, are my arms tired.
" - David! - What? A Rhamphorhynchus of the Middle Jurassic period.
[Jonah.]
"The man's an idiot.
My friends call me Carl.
" [Crow.]
"Gamera is friend to all the children!" [Tom.]
They're getting some real sexy shots of these Mahar.
[trills tongue suggestively.]
My goodness, how enormous.
Why, the largest remains we ever discovered have never indicated a size much greater than that attained by an ordinary crow! [Crow.]
"Ah, that's it.
I'm leaving.
" [Tom imitating Kermit the Frog.]
"Kermit the Mahar here.
Hi-ho.
We got a great sacrifice for you tonight.
" [Jonah.]
"The artist's hand and the scientist's mind come together to bring you Disney's Hall of Presidents after the apocalypse.
" [Tom.]
God, I hope I get it I hope I get it [Crow.]
He looks like he wants someone to feed him a piece of apple.
[Tom.]
How many people does he need? How many boys, how many girls? [Jonah.]
"A-one, a-two, a-three.
" [Tom.]
"Couldn't you just see us eating on those wings at B-Dubs, all battered up? It'd be delicious!" [Jonah.]
"A-one, a-two, a-three.
" [Tom.]
"Couldn't you just see us eating on those wings at B-Dubs, all battered up? It'd be delicious!" - [Crow.]
Hey! - [Tom.]
"Oh, and everybody's invited.
" - [creature screeching.]
- [Crow.]
And it doubles as an alarm clock.
[indistinct distorted chatter.]
- [blaring stops.]
- [Jonah.]
"Oh, got it.
Right away, sir.
" [Tom.]
Okay, you gals are House Slytherin.
[Crow.]
"Fame costs, and this is where you start paying! There!" - [Jonah.]
"Nice job, Rick.
" - [creature screeching.]
[Crow.]
You see that, guys? Listen to the crows.
We know how to run a society! [Tom.]
Nice philtrum.
[Jonah.]
"One blink, grab, two blinks, whip.
- You got it boss.
" - Doc! [Tom.]
"The service here is intolerable.
I will be leaving a very bad Yelp review indeed.
" [Crow.]
That never gets old.
[Jonah.]
"Sometimes I just wish he'd just talk to us.
" [Tom.]
"Got it.
Cobb salad, hold the egg.
" [Crow.]
"Swing your partner, dosi-do, hit you with a whip and down you go!" [Jonah.]
Eat more cow.
[Tom.]
"All right, I guess you're all Gryffindor, then.
" [indistinct distorted chatter.]
Perry.
Take care of yourself.
I will.
And you.
You're beginning to annoy me.
[Crow.]
"What is it exactly The voice or the hair or the fact that we're repeatedly whipping you?" [Jonah.]
Now something for the ladies.
[Tom.]
"Boing! Boing!" [Crow.]
"So many Jostens class rings to forge, so little time.
" [Jonah.]
The hot tub looks like the temperature is cranked up! - [Tom.]
"Ow, watch the hammer!" - Ghak.
One at a time.
- [Crow.]
"It's a scam.
" - You've got a long day.
[Jonah.]
"Hi, Pee Wee!" [Tom.]
"Oh, these five commandments you're gonna love.
The flaming bush and I were up all night.
" [Crow.]
I guess even the Earth's core has a DMV.
- Ah, there you are, my friend.
- [Jonah.]
"This is overdue.
" - Another one for the shelves.
- [Tom.]
"I'm flimsy.
" - Thank you.
- [Crow.]
"Yeah, whatever.
The shelf is, like, two feet away.
" Now, what have we got? [Jonah.]
So they're in a cave inside a cave inside a cave? Hmm.
Fascinating.
[Tom.]
"They've invented Shrinky Dinks.
" [Doc.]
The Mahar is limited vocally.
[Crow.]
"Allow me to translate [yodeling oddly.]
but has been [Jonah.]
It's amazing what you can do with popsicle sticks.
- endowed - [Tom.]
Go on.
with mesmeric powers and a high degree of telepathy.
[Tom.]
"Squiggle line, squiggle line, Batman symbol.
Hmm.
" It's quite a combination for a bird.
[Crow.]
Ooh, nice turnout for the midnight improv show.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, yeah, honeycrisp apples.
[chuckles.]
Delicious.
" [Doc.]
I don't know what it is they're giving us to eat.
Perhaps it's just as well.
[Tom.]
If you have to ask, it's people.
It's always people.
- Doc? - Mm-hmm? - How do we get out of here? - [Crow.]
You want to leave? I really haven't been able to find out anything definite about the Mahar secret yet, except that [Jonah.]
"It's a secret!" in some way, it is connected with the lava, with the heat.
[Tom.]
"Heat.
Reminds me of Hot Pockets.
" I'm certainly getting to know about that.
Ah, but that is the point, David.
Slaves are used to constantly repair and divert the lava channels.
You see, although the lava is of vital importance, it is also eating away at the very foundations of the Mahar city.
And so its flow has to be continually checked and rechanneled.
In fact, the whole safety of the city is dependent upon the slaves and, uh, we are among their number now.
- [indistinct distorted chatter.]
- Oh.
There's cheerful Annie again.
Watch yourself, Doc.
[Crow.]
"Back to the amazon.
com warehouse!" Doc! [Jonah.]
"Oh, my inner ear!" [Crow.]
Awesome! I think they're taking them to laser tag! Sweet! [Tom.]
Ah, must be a motion-activated door.
[Jonah.]
Go forth, '70s people! Keep moving! Please watch your step.
You've each been assigned a discotheque.
[Crow.]
"Hey, Ghak! See how much easier it is with just one brick? - It's nice, right?" - [Ghak screaming.]
Aah! [Tom.]
No unions at the Earth's core.
[Jonah.]
Ooh, right in the philtrum.
[Crow.]
Careful.
When you defeat them in battle, you have to claim their mate! [all.]
Attica! Attica! Attica! [Tom.]
Being a chivalrous gentleman, David traps his fellow slaves with their captors in a room full of lava.
- Nice.
- [Crow.]
"Ooh, that felt good.
Abandoning my friends.
Whoo!" [Jonah giggles.]
"Olly olly oxen free! Ha ha!" [Crow.]
I set fire to the rain, Watched it pour Adele.
[Tom.]
"Electric word, life, it means forever, and that's a mighty long time, but I'm here to tell you " [Jonah.]
"Rocks? In a cave? I've got to check that out!" [straining.]
[doors clanking and whirring.]
You know, it's not how I saw myself getting married, but then again, I never saw myself getting married at all.
Dead by 40 in a deli-slicer accident? Yeah, I thought you'd end that way, too.
- Wait.
What? - Screech! Oh, hey.
Crow's a Mahar.
Which makes us what, the slaves? Screech! Uh, I do not know what "screech" means.
Yeah, give us something to work with here.
I'm using telepathy! Oh, well, that must be hard for someone without a brain! - Whoa! - Oh, ho, ho! Snapple facts.
I did it, right? That just happened.
Hey! I'm your genetic superior! Get ready for a painful telepathic burn! - Mm.
- Busted! I'll just let you stew on that one.
Oh, wait, hold on.
Guys, I think I'm getting a telepathic signal.
- Oh, wow.
- Uh! - I know what you want us to do.
- Really? It's working? That's great! You're gonna make me that sandwich? No, we're supposed to tickle you! - [buzzer blaring.]
- Movie sign! Oh! We got movie sign! - You got saved this time! - We got movie sign! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
Go north.
Get lamp.
[Jonah.]
This is just like the human heart exhibit at the Franklin Institute.
[Crow.]
"Uh, Welcome to Spencer's Gifts.
We're having a special on beer pong supplies.
" [Tom.]
"Doug McClure illustrates how the world appears to the germophobe who has to walk through a security checkpoint at the airport.
" [Crow.]
He just got done beating up, like, five Sagoths, but a cave frightens him? Ugh.
[Jonah.]
"I'm just gonna pretend this cave is a giant s'more, and I'm the marshmallow.
" [Tom.]
I don't mean to be a stickler for rules, but when they landed, they were at the Earth's core.
Now Doug's below the Earth's core, which would mean the name of this movie should be Beneath the Earth's Core.
Make sense? [Crow.]
Yeah, or go with At the Earth's Core's Core.
It's got those hard-C sounds people love, and the word "core" is super trendy right now.
[Jonah.]
Well, the way you guys carry on, I think, is pretty hard-core.
[all.]
Core! [Crow.]
Oh, he just ran away to feed his graffiti addiction.
[Tom.]
"Glad I saved this Parmigiano-Reggiano, which is a hard-cheese reference, for those at home.
" [Jonah.]
Please let that be a portal to a plot-forwarding device.
[David panting.]
[Crow.]
"Doug, you have a problem.
Put down the chalk.
You don't need it.
You don't need it.
Oh, why? No!" [Tom.]
Oh, this is one of those downtown shoving bars.
I've been reading about these.
Super hip.
[Crow.]
Come on, man, you can beat this.
Choose life! [Tom.]
"And I'm here to tell you there's something else the afterworld.
" [Jonah.]
"Oh, now I'm getting hungry again.
I have a hankering for an Otter Pop or one of those freeze pops? You get a hundred for, like, six bucks!" [Tom.]
"Hell, I know it's like eating antifreeze, but what are you gonna do? They're so refreshing.
" [Crow.]
Is he disoriented or just bored? [Jonah.]
"Thank God my vest is intact.
" [Tom.]
"Oh, good, there's a fire.
I can get some hot dogs going, warm up some beans.
Maybe there's some corn on the cob under the Earth's core.
" [Crow.]
"Well, cave, I'll never forget you.
" [Jonah.]
"Oh, wow, the ground cover looks like Raisin Bran.
" [Jonah munching.]
[Tom.]
Andre the Giant? [Crow.]
"What's this, a human femur? Oh, well, when under the Earth " [Jonah.]
Billy Dee Williams! [Crow.]
"I didn't come all the way to the Earth's core to get killed over a lousy turkey leg, jerk.
" [both straining.]
[Tom.]
The cameraman is slowly backing away to a better job on another soundstage.
[Jonah.]
What a nice, mellow fight scene.
You know, this music works great for both wrestling and a relaxing massage.
[Crow.]
"Hey, do you like all the arrows I drew in here?" [Tom.]
Hey, it's a cameo by Divine.
[Jonah.]
I always get squid and octopus confused.
Which one is the one that lives in a cave? [Crow.]
"Feed me, Seymour!" [Tom.]
This was the day THX was invented.
I read about it on IMDb.
[Crow.]
In an Octopus's garden In the shade [Jonah.]
Turn on your mouth light Let it shine wherever you go [Crow.]
Some say this was Georgia O'Keeffe's bravest work.
- I do love art jokes.
- [Tom.]
But what's the point-illism? [Jonah.]
It's like a Chihuly exhibit covered in slime and hair.
[Tom.]
"You know the way you're lying there makes me think of flatbread pizza.
" "Hey, you ever experimented with any of the different pastas they're offering now at Pizza Hut for delivery? It's a pretty radical concept.
It's not just bread covered with sauce.
It's noodles covered with sauce, too.
And then you get the breadsticks and the giant brownie.
By the time you're done, you're really full.
I was joking with my buddy Ryan at work saying they should just give you a big dollop of raw dough with sauce on it.
[chuckles.]
Don't even get me started about Wing Street, man, I could go all night.
" [Tom.]
"Yeah, what is this? What am I rubbing on myself?" [Crow.]
"It's basil.
I'm gonna eat you.
" [Jonah.]
"No, no, keep it.
Every fight comes with a free spear.
" [Tom.]
"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?" [David laughing.]
[Crow.]
"I'm just laughing at that stupid wig.
- Oh, my God.
" - [Jonah.]
"What? I like it.
Come on.
" [Tom.]
You know, brotherhood is powerful.
David.
D-David.
- Ra.
- Ra? [Crow.]
Yeah, rah, rah, sis-boom-bah.
[breathing heavily.]
[Tom.]
"What's with the flowery vest?" Oh, uh [breathing heavily.]
I don't come from Pellucida.
I come from another world.
[Jonah.]
"You're not gonna believe this, but I'm the protagonist.
" I escaped from the Mahar city.
No one can escape from the Mahar city.
[all shout.]
The Mahars are all-seeing all evil.
[Tom.]
All rubber.
Ra.
Why haven't you risen up and fought the Mahars? You do not know the Mahar.
You have not really seen their power.
- They're evil.
- [Tom.]
Except Bill Mahar.
He tells it like it is.
Ra, if your tribe and the others joined together, you could defeat the Mahars.
Yes, good thought.
But come with me.
I'll show you.
[Jonah.]
"I come from a long, proud line of cave crawlers.
" [Crow.]
No one ever escapes the Mahar's City, but getting into it Super easy! [Jonah.]
Here, pop your little noggin up there.
[Tom.]
Ah, a school tour is coming.
Get down.
[Crow.]
Oh, the Olympic ceremonies got downsized again this year.
What are these prisoners doing here? Wait, and you shall see.
[Jonah.]
"Highway cleanup.
" [Ra.]
You may be thankful that you're not on the same side of the wall as they.
[Tom.]
Four rocks is not a wall.
[whispering.]
The Mahars.
[Crow.]
Look, the white one took the gold.
[Jonah.]
"Ra, you're a little too into this, huh?" [Tom.]
Is this one of those Eyes Wide Shut parties? [Crow.]
"Wait, I recognize some of those people from the PTA!" Are you looking for someone? Yes.
Dia.
[Jonah.]
"We now take you to the world's quietest GWAR concert, already in progress.
" [Crow.]
"Our fantastic hair is really helping us blend in with these rocks.
" [Tom.]
Uh, is it too soon to do another Sam the Eagle reference? [creature screeching.]
[Jonah.]
The Spice Girls after Ginger left.
- Thank God she's not here.
- [Tom.]
"Let's go.
" [creature screeching.]
[Crow.]
At some point, that's gonna start getting annoying.
Not yet, but soon.
[Jonah.]
"I will observe the Paleo diet.
" [Tom.]
Oy, vey, it's like nails on a stalactite.
[Crow.]
I feel like I'm at the casting call for Immortan Joe's Wives.
[Jonah.]
"You had me at [imitating screeching.]
" [Tom.]
"Ra, watch the show! You're creeping me out, man.
" [Crow.]
"Ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot! Hot! Hot! Hot, hot, hot!" [Jonah.]
"You're really digging this, aren't you, you weirdo?" [Crow.]
You hear it enough, it's actually kind of soothing, you know? [Tom.]
"You look nothing like your profile picture.
" [Jonah.]
This is the worst sorority hazing ever.
[Tom.]
It's like a fashion show, but is that a sash or a bandage? [Crow.]
"Watch out! She's gonna hurl!" [Jonah.]
"Too many Jell-O shots.
" [Tom.]
On tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model, flying lizard judges.
[Crow imitating Heidi Klum.]
"In the world of fashion, you're either in, or you're out.
" - She is out.
- [Tom.]
Yeah, pretty much.
[Jonah.]
I guess it doesn't matter how tall you are to get on this ride.
- Vile cr - [Tom.]
"Have a Tic Tac.
" [woman screaming.]
[Crow.]
So this is before IMDb, when you could just lie about having special-effects experience, huh? [Jonah.]
"I quiver my jowls to indicate my disgust.
" [Tom.]
"You can let go of my hand now.
" They've got to be destroyed.
[Crow.]
Now that's going in the trailer.
[Tom.]
"I'm so enraged, I forgot how my legs work.
" [Jonah.]
"He hasn't been this angry since we fought the giant flower.
" [Crow.]
"This rock will destroy them all!" [Tom.]
Oopsy! [Jonah.]
"Years of piano lessons wasted!" [Crow.]
"Are we in trouble?" [Tom.]
They're evil, but they're so cute when they're sleeping.
[Jonah.]
"I landed on my keys, Ra.
" [Crow whispering.]
"I wanted that to happen.
" [Jonah.]
"Aw, jeez, I'm not a young man.
" [Tom.]
"Since you're down there, I got another terrible idea.
" [Crow.]
"Wha ?" [Jonah.]
You got all that from a two-finger gesture? [Tom.]
"I'm just gonna pretend I know what you're talking about, 'cause I have no idea.
" [Crow.]
Ew, someone's gotten sick on that cliff.
[Tom.]
"I got it.
I'm fine.
I think I just tore both my rotator cuffs.
Ra, you stay up there and relax.
I'll handle this.
" [Jonah.]
"Looks like we got a lucky break.
The puppeteers must be at lunch.
" [Tom.]
"I think I may have fractured my spine, too.
Aah!" [Crow.]
"Be quiet, or you'll wake them up!" [Tom snoring.]
[Jonah.]
"I dare not wake them up.
There's nothing they'd love more than to gnaw on my meaty, fleshy face parts.
Lord knows there's plenty of it.
" [Tom.]
"Football practice? Football practice " [Crow.]
"Apex predator? These things smell like ammonia and ammonia.
" [Jonah snoring.]
[Tom.]
"What's my motivation here? Am I looking for eggs or what?" [Crow.]
Doug, you've done it! You've discovered their weaknesses! They're very deep sleepers! [Jonah.]
"Do or do not.
There is no try.
" [Crow.]
"Uh, I'm concussed.
I don't know if this is really happening or if I'm hallucinating the whole thing.
" [Tom.]
Whoa, Mahar, Mahar me Whoa, things ain't what They used to be Oh, no [Crow.]
"Hey, it's the Mahar Show [snores.]
with our special guest Doug McClure.
" [Jonah.]
"I really do need a hospital right away.
" [Tom.]
You know, Doug should get combat pay for being this close to a Mahar's knees.
[Crow.]
"And I give up.
" [groans.]
[Tom.]
Billy Dee likes it! [Jonah.]
"Man, I really like Ra, but I'm not sure that he didn't push me on purpose.
When I think about it, I've only known him for, like, 20 minutes, and when we first met, he did try to kill me.
[chuckles.]
I'm probably just overthinking it.
Maybe it's because I've never been in so much pain in my life.
What exactly does it feel like when you have a punctured lung? I've got nothing to compare it to.
" [upbeat music.]
[Max.]
I'm actually kind of glad Doug McClure finally found a cool friend he can hang out with.
Sure hope there's a happening disco somewhere at the Earth's core.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
- David.
- [Crow.]
"Hey, morning, sleepyhead.
I made breakfast! I hope you like bacon!" [Tom.]
"Aw, I can't stay mad at him.
I bet he made a beautiful omelet and everything.
" [Jonah.]
"Come check out my favorite matte painting.
You're just gonna love it.
" [Crow.]
"Mm, this place looks just like the E.
T.
ride at Universal Studios.
" [Tom imitating E.
T.
.]
"Good-bye, David.
" [Jonah.]
"Oh, check this out! Two coyotes are just going at it down there.
" I'm going back.
After what you've just seen? Especially after what I've seen.
They've got to be destroyed.
David you're one man.
- Strong, it's true.
- [Tom.]
"With spectacular gams.
" How can you win? Got to find the secret of the Mahars.
[Crow.]
Especially Joy Mahar.
Who is she, really? Who keeps giving her shows? - I'll bring Ghak back.
- Ghak? [Jonah.]
"Me with a spoon.
" He will not trust me.
No tribe trusts each other.
[Tom.]
"If you tear off our sleeves, do we not all have beefy upper arms?" I know.
[Crow.]
"Uh, Dave, I'm noticing how much blood is coming out of that head wound of yours.
It's like the whole back of your skull It's just gone.
" You go back to your village, Ra [Tom.]
"Kick back, put your feet up.
" till the Sagoths come again.
[Jonah.]
Sega Master System, Genesis, or Saturn? - Sagoths! - [Tom.]
Sagoths! Do you think I'd let you go back alone? [Crow.]
"I'm coming with you to once again watch from a safe distance.
" - You're a friend, Ra.
- [Tom.]
"My 'vest' friend.
Get it?" - But foolish friend.
- [Jonah.]
"Wasn't gonna mention the wig.
" The Mahars will make a meal of us! We've just doubled our strength.
[Crow.]
"It'll be a Mahar feast!" [Tom.]
You know, like they always say, what doesn't swallow you makes you stronger! [Jonah.]
"I don't know how you got me in another tunnel, I swear.
" [Crow.]
You know, you don't have to crawl.
There's, like, plenty of head space.
[Jonah.]
Oh, yeah, looks up to code.
[Tom.]
"And once we get into the fight, Ra, we'll yell, 'Goonies never say die!' - You got that?" - [Crow.]
"But what is Goonies?" [Tom.]
"Trust me.
It'll be awesome.
You just cue off me.
It'll be great.
It's gonna be super cool and [Tom and Crow.]
Aah!" [Jonah.]
"You left arrows! Thanks for making it easy!" [Crow.]
It's the Church of Castle Grayskull and Latter-Day Saints! [Tom.]
Uh-oh, they missed the assembly.
They're gonna be in trouble! - [Tom.]
"Hey, I know those guys!" - It's David! - Quiet! - [Crow.]
"You had a bug on your face.
" [Jonah.]
"Man, the Rolling Stones just won't stop touring!" [Tom.]
I always feel uncomfortable going to a new church.
[Crow.]
"I hate touchscreen kiosks.
" [Jonah.]
"Nobody knew who they were or what they were doing.
" [Crow.]
Latecomers get chained to the phallus.
That's the rule.
[Tom.]
"It is suggestive.
" [Jonah.]
"You guys are sick.
" [Tom.]
"Now I'd like to treat you all to my favorite monologue from Hamlet.
" [Crow.]
"A heads-up would have been nice.
" [all.]
Hi, Doc! [Jonah.]
"And it's a brand-new car!" [Tom.]
Dancing with the Stars is different.
- [distant roaring.]
- [Crow.]
Whoa.
A tuba player with a grudge is coming for you, David.
[Tom.]
Oh, it's probably just a little doggy or a kitty or something.
[creature snarling.]
[Jonah.]
Gypsy? [all screaming.]
[Tom.]
"This thing might beat me, but it'll never beat my hair!" [Crow.]
"Uh, you'll have to come over here.
I'm kind of wedged into this crevice.
" [Jonah.]
Aw, poor guy, his face is made out of papiermâché.
[Tom.]
Poor guy, his face is made out of steak.
[Crow.]
Hungry Hungry Hippo: The Movie.
[Jonah.]
"I wish I'd worn more comfortable pants.
" [Tom.]
A Roomba has better mobility than this thing.
[Jonah.]
They obviously spent a lot of money on this, so settle in, you guys.
This might take a while.
[Crow.]
Yep, just as I expected.
He's wandering around and dropping proximity mines.
I wouldn't worry about it.
[Tom.]
This Petco adoption day is not what I thought it was gonna be.
[Jonah.]
At least he knows if he dies, it'll be well lit.
[Crow scoffs.]
I'm out of here.
[Tom.]
"Perfect.
Light and dark meat.
" [Crow.]
"Tag me in!" [Jonah.]
What happens when a dewback mates with a rancor? This thing.
[Crow.]
Peanuts! Frosty malts! Ice-cold beer! Hot dogs! Crackerjacks! Near-beer! Cheesy doodles! Fizzy cakes! Novelty teeth! Affordable carpeting! [Jonah.]
Why isn't it going after Ra? [Tom.]
He's distracted by the meaty musk of McClure! [Crow.]
Oh, I was hoping his teeth would sound more like a xylophone.
[Tom.]
"Did you learn nothing from when we fought that giant flower?" - [Ra shouts.]
- [Crow.]
"Remember your training, David!" [Tom.]
"Training? What training? I keep getting eaten in training.
" [Jonah.]
Why isn't this thing in charge instead of that pasty-white bird? [Tom.]
"Hey, big guy, I think you got something stuck in your teeth me.
" - [Crow.]
"And the crowd goes wild.
" - [Tom.]
Yay.
[Jonah.]
"Drop the stick.
Drop it.
Drop it.
If you don't let go, I can't throw it again.
" [Crow.]
"Anyone got, like, a really big pencil sharpener?" [Tom.]
There's Basie, Miller, Satchmo, and the king of all Sir Duke [Crow.]
"Ah, the pointy end! That's what I should use, yeah!" [Jonah.]
Oh, wow.
He's got a lot of plaque buildup in there.
[Tom.]
"That electrified the crowd! Throw another stick!" [people screaming.]
[all humming "The Chicken Dance".]
[Crow.]
Doug, there's a man in there! Stop it! Seriously! That's his blood! Oh, God, Doug, no! [Jonah.]
Oh, can we yell cut? Someone yell cut! - [Crow.]
Doug, he's dead! - You've got him! [Tom.]
The first really bad Q-Tip incident.
That's why the packages have warnings to this day.
[Crow.]
Sad, really.
They didn't expect Doug to fight it.
They were just letting it out to play, jeez.
[Jonah.]
"Please one last tummy rub.
- I've been a good boy.
" - Bravo! - [bird screeching.]
- [Tom.]
Did somebody score a hockey goal? - David! Above you! - [bird screeching.]
[Crow.]
The intimidation factor really goes out the window when they fly like a drunken pancake.
[Jonah.]
"Hey, guys, want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?" [Mahar snarling.]
[Tom.]
"He got that from me.
" [Crow.]
"Are you filming this? I hope somebody's filming this.
" [Jonah.]
They've got nooks and crannies like those English muffins.
[Tom.]
Careful, Ra, we do want to return these costumes.
[Crow.]
It sounds like he's choking Tom Waits.
[Jonah.]
"Small change got rained on with his own .
38 Oh!" [Jonah imitating choking.]
[Tom.]
"This one's the original Angry Bird, am I right, folks?" [Crow.]
They bought their Carol Burnett wigs in bulk.
[Jonah.]
"Pretty good, but mine was actually a dinosaur.
" - [Tom.]
Score one for Team Wig! - [Crow.]
"Don't upstage me again!" [prisoners cheering.]
[Tom.]
Wait a minute.
This has all the markings of a "Ballroom Blitz"! [Tom and Jonah.]
This is a ballroom blitz - [Crow beatboxing.]
- This is a ballroom blitz This is a ballroom blitz This is a ballroom blitz [all shouting.]
[Crow.]
"But I blinked! Doesn't that mean anything to you?" Come on, Doc! [Jonah.]
"Hey, I got a fun idea.
Let's swap wigs.
Nobody will see it coming.
" [chuckles evilly.]
[Tom.]
"Quick, give me your ATM card.
" Get a tight hold, Doc.
I have a firm grip upon your trousers, David.
- [Jonah.]
"David!" - David! - What? - I found it! I found the Mahar's secret! Come with me! - Not now, Doc! - But it's just through this hidey hole! Come on, me boy, I'll show you.
[Crow.]
"Who says 'hidey hole' anymore? Get your hands off my thigh.
" [Jonah.]
"Make way, slave fire fondue!" [Tom.]
"Did I leave the stove on?" [Jonah.]
"I heard they're hiring in Cloud City.
Want to check it out? My cousin's there.
He's working with carbonite.
" [Crow.]
"I forgot to send that email.
Ugh.
" [Jonah.]
"You ever look into getting your philtrum enlarged?" [Tom.]
"I think we got our pages mixed up in the script.
Shouldn't we be whipping them now?" [Doc.]
It's not far now, David.
Be careful of the edge.
[Crow.]
"I think you went over the edge when you grabbed my butt, Doc.
" [Tom.]
"It's another hidey hole that leads to a whole room of hidey holes!" [Jonah.]
And the PAAS Factory.
[Crow.]
"Their secret is a microbrewery.
They're crafting a nice IPA.
" It was the most amazing piece of luck.
I practically stumbled on it.
But after pondering over all those heavy slabs in the library and learning very little from them, I got so dispirited.
I kept thinking, "Whatever will I tell David when he gets back?" You knew I'd come back for you, didn't you? Why, of course I did.
What would I do without you? [Crow.]
"My guess is a lot of reading.
" [Tom.]
"If you smell eggs right now, that was me, sorry.
" There.
There it is.
The very origin of every Mahar that's born.
That is what controls the fire curtain.
[Jonah.]
Okay, plausible.
Yeah.
The top of that egg controls the fire curtain.
Got it.
[Tom.]
I think Anthony Bourdain ate here once.
This is where we're gonna finish them.
[Crow.]
Eggs-actly! [chuckles.]
I'm gonna go for a walk.
I'll be over here if you need me, guys.
[Tom.]
Wow, this is the original IHOP.
[Crow.]
"Mork calling Orson.
" [Jonah.]
There he is! [Tom.]
"You ever eat a big sandwich in a sauna with a beer? It's the best, Doc.
" - It's a dead end, David.
- Doc, in here.
Down there? But I'm not a rabbit, you know.
- Go on, Doc.
- [Crow.]
"It's a hidey hole.
Get in, weirdo.
" [doors clanking and whirring.]
All right, I spy with my little eye Then pick up the flowers.
Assemble the centerpieces.
Call the caterer and make sure there's a kosher meal for that one Observer.
Double-check the photographer is shooting on actual physical film, like Christopher Nolan, and be sure to wake me at exactly 4:13 and 29 seconds.
Yes, your Kinga-ness.
You'll screw it up somehow.
Every chore is salt in the wound of my unrequited passion.
[loud crash.]
What was that? [Kinga.]
Whatever it was, fix it! [machinery whirring.]
Hi, I'm Doug McClure.
You may remember me from such movies as the one those poor dopes are watching.
[laughs.]
Ah, I'm just checking the moon's core for beautiful women.
[scoffs.]
Only one.
And I'm losing her to a hairy, lumbering idiot.
Oh, hey, wooing the female of the species away from her more hirsute courtiers can be a challenge.
Rest not.
I'll give you the old McClure Romance Seminar, and she'll be putty in your meaty, greasy hands.
Wow.
That that would be great.
Put that away.
If you have to write advice down, it's not worth remembering, dummy.
Just show her you're masterful and manly.
What brand do you smoke? [sighs.]
I don't.
What? You've never been to flavor country? Forget it.
Next, show her your guns.
Got it, buy a rifle.
No, no, your guns, man! Look at this shirt.
My arms would not fit in it.
Your pythons.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Okay, forget that one.
Here's one any schmo can do.
Barge into their world and overturn her way of life.
Ignore social mores, topple the political structure.
Sow chaos.
It gets her attention.
Chaos, got it.
Yeah, mark her as yours.
Pick a fight with any man she knows, glances at, or shares a planet with.
Make it clear you're the alpha.
I'm the alpha! No, I'm the alpha! But you can be the alpha once I leave.
You see how that works, big guy? Right.
Right.
I get it.
You are very small, but big at the same time.
Finally, fluff that hair.
You want to fluff it.
My hair is fabulous.
That's why I wear a wig over it.
That's right.
That's how confident I am.
You fluff it high, you fluff it hard.
And pilot a big piece of machinery.
The more it looks like a you-know-what, the better.
[chuckles.]
Yeah.
I don't know what you mean.
[Doug.]
Listen there's bound to be confusion between men and women.
Just remember, being yourself and loving and honest is the last thing you want to do.
Looks like old TV's Son may win out after all.
I'll show Kinga who's the de facto alpha male in this subterranean world.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Ah, we got movie sign! - Aah! - Come on! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[eerie electronic music.]
[Doc.]
Ooh, oopsy daisy.
Here, Doc.
Come on.
[Jonah.]
"Did you see my buffalo shot back there, David?" - Oopsy daisy.
- Come on.
[Tom.]
"They seem to have come out in Tommy Chong's backyard.
[chuckles.]
Hey, Doc.
" Oh.
Phew.
Fresh air at last.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, fresh core-of-the-earth air, Doc.
- David? Oh! - [Tom.]
"A man made of hot dogs!" Oh! I'm so sorry, dear fellow.
This place is apt to make one a little jumpy.
- Here, sit down.
- [Jonah.]
"On that?" "Doc has lost his nut since taking that bird librarian job.
Hey, Doc, do rocks have a meat part, like maybe on the bottom?" [Crow.]
"Ah, give me your clothes! I love your outfit!" [Dia screaming.]
Dia! Come, and I kill her! [Tom.]
"You can't eat her.
That's not cool.
Oh, wait.
We're barbecuing? That's different.
I love a cookout.
" [Dia screaming.]
- Dia! - [screams.]
David! [roaring.]
[Crow.]
Deus ex salamander.
[Jonah.]
"It's Doug 'I do my own stunts' McClure to the rescue! Oh, I pulled a hammy, oh! Oh, ham!" [Tom.]
Let me stand next to your fire [Crow.]
"I'm wearing my flame-retardant vest!" [Jonah.]
"I'll harm you!" [Crow.]
How did that rock turn into an arrow? [Tom.]
"I volunteer as tribute!" [Crow.]
Ah, he died as he lived Falling down a ravine while on fire.
[Jonah.]
So now everyone is more badass than David? Bull's-eye! [Crow.]
"Who's your friend, David?" - [Tom.]
"How you doing, baby?" - Dia? [Jonah.]
"I know a place that serves lunch before 10 a.
m.
" Dia, I thought I'd never see you again.
[Tom.]
"Maybe we can go for a drive in the Iron Mole and talk about it? I've got wine coolers and those little Vienna sausages.
" Be masterful, David.
[Crow.]
"Horrible advice.
Thanks.
" Sit down.
Sit down! - Now, you listen to me.
- No! It's too late now.
When we were near my village, I managed to escape from Hoojah the Sly One.
And now I fear that Hoojah the Sly One will lead Jubal the Ugly One back here.
I heard about him.
David, he will kill you.
He is the strongest warrior in all Pellucida.
[Jonah.]
"And I'm just a loser from Palookaville.
" [Crow munching.]
"I wonder if that thing's done cooking down there.
" [Tom.]
"You smell so good, like roasted frog.
" [Jonah.]
"You're no Hasselhoff.
" The sooner I meet up with Jubal, the better.
- Come on.
- [Tom.]
"We're dating now.
" Come on.
- Ooh! - [David.]
Watch your step, Doc.
Oh, yes.
My word, what a vile beastie.
[Crow.]
"I'm so brittle.
This watch chain is all that's holding me together.
" Your Royal Highness, how very nice to see you again.
Remarkably efficient, these primitive weapons.
I've never had occasion to use them before.
The cord from my spectacles! [chuckles.]
Oh, your tomahawk came in very useful, too, David.
[Jonah.]
"You know, for sitting.
" Brains before brawn, huh, Doc? Oh, a combination of both, dear boy.
[chuckles.]
We must hurry.
Yeah.
I got to find the Ugly One.
Wouldn't exactly call him very pretty, would you? [Jonah.]
Dis! Hey, David, wait for me! Dia! [Tom.]
"Cody!" It's Jubal the Ugly One! - Dia! - [Tom.]
"Cody!" You can say that again.
- Come, we must hide! - No.
No, Dia, no.
- Come! - No! - [Jubal.]
Dia! - [Tom.]
"Cody!" I'm going to have to fight Jubal once and for all.
- Stand aside, David.
- Doc.
I said this is my fight.
[Crow.]
"I only cheat when I don't think I'm gonna win on my own.
" [Tom.]
From the valley of the Jolly Ho, ho, ho, Green Jubal [Jonah.]
"Ah, that beefaroni's repeating on me.
" [Jubal growls.]
[Crow.]
"Okay, you have my attention!" [Tom humming Gilligan's Island theme music.]
[Jonah.]
"Yeah, I got it at a ren fest a couple years back.
I was pretty drunk, but my friends talked me into it.
" [Crow.]
This isn't gonna hack it.
There, now you're free.
[Tom.]
"The Cannon Group presents The Dumb, the Sly and the Ugly, coming to this theater.
" [Crow.]
"Well, him only having one eye means his depth perception sucks.
That's good.
" - [Jubal roars.]
- [Doc.]
Oh, no! [Jonah.]
"Ooh, uh, that was "en garde" in caveman talk, sorry.
" [Tom humming Star Trek fight music.]
[Crow.]
"You know, I don't feel that sly sometimes.
" [Jonah.]
"We could come to an agreement, I bet.
How do you feel about subletting Dia on the weekend?" - Oh! - David! [Tom.]
"Yo, Dia, you want to go to prom?" David.
[Crow.]
Fighting and landscaping? So efficient! Watch him, David! [Jonah.]
Hey, watch the good eye! Without that, I'd be the Ugly and Blind One.
[Jugal roars.]
- That's right, David! - Dia.
[Tom.]
"I wrote you a letter.
" - [Dia screams.]
- [Crow.]
"Who invited you?" Unhand her, you coward.
[Jonah.]
Hairball! [Crow.]
"I can I can only not kill one of you, oh!" [Tom.]
And the final irony He was killed by factory-recalled airbags.
[loud popping.]
[Jonah.]
Fourth of July is so disruptive in this neighborhood.
[Crow.]
So how'd it go? [Tom.]
"I really don't have a plan here.
" [Jonah.]
Ha ha.
More like "Jubal the Dead," am I right? - Too soon? - [Crow.]
'Twas McClure-y killed the beast.
Now, you scoundrel [Tom.]
"Go back to Godspell!" [Dia cries.]
- Missed! - [Crow.]
I wanted to see him explode! Well, at least we put him to his heels.
Well done, David! Such courage, my boy! [Jonah.]
She overcomes trauma quickly.
- David! - [Tom.]
"Why, they're little!" [Jonah.]
To the gnome-mobile! Hurry! - Jubal.
- [Crow.]
"He's loaded with prizes.
" You have defeated Jubal.
[Jonah.]
"You got, like, a meatball sub? I'm starving.
" Dia is yours.
[Tom.]
"I'll sign over the deed tonight.
" Dia will not be mine until we destroy the Mahars and free Pellucida.
[Crow.]
Meanwhile, on Godzilla's Next Top Model [Jonah.]
"I'd love a cup of coffee.
" [Tom.]
Ooh, who summoned the army of Paul Giamattis? [Crow.]
We hate merlot! We hate merlot! We hate merlot! We hate merlot! [Jonah.]
"I wish the Mahar would use their powers to command some of us to build golf carts.
" Raise bows.
[Tom.]
"This is how I taught my Imperial stormtroopers to shoot!" - Take aim.
- [Crow.]
Oh, they look bruised.
- Fire! - [Jonah.]
Jack Skellington, no! [Tom.]
"Ra, we need to get you a woman, right?" [Doc.]
Robin Hood and his merry men, what, David? [Crow.]
"Whatever, Doc.
You're out of your mind.
" [Jonah.]
"I have no idea what I just did.
" [Tom.]
Let's not celebrate yet, guys.
We've got, like, ten more minutes.
- Hear me - [Jonah.]
"Hermes overslept!" leaders of the tribes of Pellucida.
[Crow.]
"And their suburbs.
" These strangers came to our world, a world ruled by the Mahars, who have enslaved and tortured us.
[all shout.]
For as long as we can recall, our tribes have been divided.
[Tom.]
"Those with wigs, those without.
" Now with the help of our newfound friends [Jonah.]
Sonny and Cher.
[Ra.]
we are united, and we have the strength and the power to destroy, once and for all, those who have enslaved us.
Death to the Mahars! [crowd cheering.]
[Crow.]
"Great.
Are we done with Bikram Yoga now?" [Tom.]
"Line forms to the left, ladies.
" [Jonah.]
"No one sent me an Evite.
" [Tom.]
"Hey, Doc, how many Cornish game hens do you think you could eat right now, I mean, if you had an unlimited supply? Oh, right, my love interest.
" [Crow.]
That's it.
Great rap session, you guys.
- [Dia.]
I go with you, yes? - [David.]
No, Dia, no.
- Why not, David? - [Tom.]
Are you nagging me already? Dia, the Mahar city is no place for you.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, wow.
" [Crow.]
"Did you just pass me a chicken wing?" Dia.
[Jonah.]
"Remind me to baby-bird you a turkey pot pie later.
" [Tom.]
Can you sing with all the voices Of the mountains? Can you paint With all the colors of the What the heck is that? [Crow.]
"Hmm.
Should I tell someone about this? No, I'm gonna go Nancy Drew this crap.
" [Jonah.]
"Hey, sly one, you want a lurking buddy?" [Tom.]
"Hey, Ghak, you like cheese curds? You ever had them on a sandwich? So good.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right.
Tell the other guys.
Good idea.
" [Crow.]
"Come on, if you guys can be cool, this'll be really fun.
Okay, on my mark.
Now let's go TP the principal's house.
" [Jonah.]
"Just a second.
I've got some potatoes cooking up there.
" [Crow.]
"I think we parked over here? - No? Over here?" - [Doc.]
This is it.
[Jonah.]
"This is my favorite hidey hole.
" [upbeat music.]
[Max.]
You're watching At the Earth's Core on MST3K, your good neighbor on the Moon.
[Doc.]
I must warn you.
It gets very hot in there.
[Tom.]
His name was Hoojah He was the Sly One He had stinky matted hair And a skirt cut up to there [Crow.]
Ah, here comes Becky with the good hair.
[Jonah.]
"Clairol's Herbal Essence shampoo.
" [Tom.]
"Nothing.
I'm just a plant.
That sound is just me photosynthesizing.
" "Plant, plant, plant.
" [Jonah.]
"Pants him!" [Crow.]
"I should go, but I can't stop watching.
" [Tom.]
His name is Hoojah, And he dances on the sand [Jonah.]
Really? You're gonna go with that? [Tom.]
Yeah, I'm tired.
[Doc groaning.]
Deuce, it's hot.
[Crow.]
"All you copycats better remember who had a torch first me.
" [distant howling.]
[Jonah.]
"Is it wrong for me to be thinking about what I'm gonna eat after this adventure?" [Tom.]
"How many people we got? Ten, 12? If we go to Olive Garden, we can always split the party so the food gets to us quicker.
" [Crow.]
I'm seriously addicted to this now.
Oh.
[Tom.]
"We had eight prop versions of that umbrella, if I recall correctly.
One for carrying in my right hand.
One for carrying in my left hand.
Another one that the prop guys had fun with, that was a Pez dispenser.
Of course, two of them got lost and are now in my personal collection.
" - [bird screeching.]
- [Jonah.]
"Call Mom.
" - [indistinct distorted chatter.]
- [Doc.]
Retreat! [Crow.]
"Run away! Run away!" [Jonah.]
That Mahar psychic security system is pretty airtight.
[Doc.]
Ra, the inner sanctum! [Tom.]
"Will the senator yield for a point of order?" [Crow.]
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, who drew these arrows all over the cave? Now I'm the one who has to clean it up!" - [bird screeches.]
- [Tom.]
"Lunch.
" [Jonah.]
You know, these Sagoths are pretty easy to beat.
You just have to hit them on the fontanel.
[Gypsy.]
Looks like it's omelets for everyone! - [bird screeches.]
- [Jonah.]
"Floss.
" [Tom.]
"Monkey pile on Doug McClure!" [Crow.]
"The caramel must flow.
" [suspenseful music.]
[Jonah.]
Oh, yeah, this is like that scene with the Marx Brothers where they're acting like they're the same reflection in a mirror Duck Soup, right? [Tom.]
"Let's talk pizza toppings.
I once had an anchovy that covered three whole slices.
It was nuts.
I ended up folding them all together and chowing it down.
" [Jonah.]
"Here's a life hack, guys.
In a pinch, you can use scissors as a pizza cutter.
" [Crow.]
I thought he killed that thing.
[Tom.]
He did.
They're just reusing the prop.
[Jonah.]
"How many times has this happened to you?" [Crow.]
"It's the Gutenberg Egg Cooker.
It's going to cause a Reformation of flavor!" [Tom.]
"Now I'm off my routine!" - [Mahar screeching.]
- [Jonah.]
That's my ringtone.
[Crow.]
"At the Earth's core, no one can hear you scream.
" [Tom.]
"We don't have flood insurance!" Dia! [Jonah.]
"You're kidding, right?" [David.]
Doc! [Crow.]
"I am straight tripping, y'all.
Whew.
" [Jonah.]
"The crap I got to do.
" [Tom.]
I'm gonna fly like a Mahar Till I'm free Fly like a Mahar With arrows covering me Oh, oh, there's an explosion [Crow.]
"Dive! Dive! Dive!" [Jonah.]
"Oh, your head looks so delicious.
I'm gonna cover you with hollandaise.
Watch her, Doc.
I've got to go fight some rubber birds.
" [Mahar screeching.]
David! [Tom.]
"Even though our bows and arrows can easily kill them, use this!" [Crow.]
"I'm your white whale, B-word!" [Jonah.]
The piñatas have gotten out of control! [Tom.]
"Hot, hot, hot! Hot, hot, hot! This was a weird time to try fire walking!" [Jonah.]
"And Doug's taking back his daddy's watch, Crummy Coneheaded Combover.
Let's go, Doc.
" [Crow.]
Pirates of the Caribbean is really on fire! [Tom.]
"I'm still here, and I'm still relevant to the whole third act!" [Crow.]
"Oh, lucky for me, the Sagoths are more vulnerable to explosions due to their excessive hairspray in their comb-overs.
" [indistinct screaming.]
[David.]
Come on, Doc! [Doc.]
Dia! David! [rumbling.]
[Tom.]
"A good cast is worth repeating.
Caroline Munro played Dia.
Some guy who's not Ra! Peter Cushing is Doctor Something.
And who could forget Doug McClure as P.
T.
Mitchell!" Ra! [Jonah.]
"So this is my favorite make-out spot, and I think we Oh, hey, Doc.
" [Crow.]
"Sorry, Dia, we're not gonna be able to flip that property in a couple weeks.
" [gasps.]
[Jonah.]
"They tampered in God's domain.
" [Crow.]
"Well, Ra didn't survive.
At least I've still got my umbrella.
" [tribespeople singing happily.]
[all.]
Yub, yub Neecha ne no wub [Doc.]
Here's David and his lovely lady.
Good-bye! [Jonah.]
Mahar Dry-cleaning did a fantastic job on the suit.
[Tom.]
"I can't belong to that suit, David.
" - People of Pellucida.
- [Crow.]
"It's Pelluci-DA.
" According to your custom [Jonah.]
"And I do everything by the book here.
" I take Dia [Crow.]
"Your hands smell like hot dogs.
" to be my bride.
[tribe cheering.]
[Jonah.]
Yeah, that's the reaction you want to a proposal.
No, David.
It's not to be.
[Tom.]
"Wait.
Nobody says no to the McClure Dog!" [Crow.]
"I'm a vegan.
It'll never work.
" I must stay here.
This is my world.
I would be lost in yours.
No.
No, you wouldn't.
I want to show you the wonders of my world.
[Jonah.]
"Mini doughnuts.
Dippin' Dots.
Mini doughnuts.
" And I love you.
[Tom.]
"And I'm still gonna fave all your Instagram photos at 3 a.
m.
, though.
" [Crow.]
"Here's some tiramisu, for old times' sake.
" Come along, David.
We must be on our way.
[Tom.]
"How long do I have to hold this face before you get the hint?" [Doc.]
Good-bye, Dia.
[Jonah.]
"Bye, Doc.
Thanks for inventing the bow and arrow for us.
" [Doc.]
God bless you.
[Tom.]
"Suck it up, David.
Be a big boy.
It's drill time.
" [Crow.]
"My gods were lizard birds, and you blew them up into a fireball.
But I understand now that it was for my own good.
Now I'll kiss my own hand.
Good-bye.
" [Jonah.]
I guess someone's got to stay behind and teach everyone how to take care of their hair.
[Tom.]
"Pork chops.
" [Crow.]
"Here's the track and field medal I got in sixth grade.
I want you to have it.
" [Jonah.]
"Ew, there's spit on it.
" [Tom.]
"I want to apologize for her garment.
She's kind of a free spirit and just does what she wants.
No modesty at all.
We've tried everything.
" [Jonah.]
"I'd love to stay, but there's a pan of brownies with my name on it back on the surface.
" - [Crow.]
Yay, they're gone! - [Jonah.]
Good riddance! [Tom.]
Hooray! [Crow.]
"It feels so good to be back in our own stuffy, itchy, uncomfortable clothes again, David.
" [Tom.]
"Hey, Doc, you ever wonder how they invented lasagna? I mean, circumstances had to be just right.
" [Jonah.]
"Someone's never been dumped before.
" [Tom.]
"Now I'm thinking about those little street tacos.
" David? [Tom.]
"No, still thinking about street tacos.
Sorry.
" [Crow.]
I guess they're going to China.
[Jonah.]
"Um, shouldn't they maybe face the drill upwards or " [drill whirring.]
[Crow.]
Sounds like the neighbors are putting in a new deck.
- [Tom.]
"Hey, Bob? - [Crow.]
"Yeah, Pete?" [Tom.]
"I was just thinking, if they just closed the gate all the way, we wouldn't have to stand here all day.
" [Crow.]
"Oh, that's a really good point.
" [upbeat music.]
[Jonah.]
Luckily, at this point in history, the Secret Service was operated by the Keystone Cops.
[Crow.]
It's just a nuclear warhead digging up under the White House.
Nothing to worry about.
[Tom.]
Aw, it's a Benny Hill episode at the end.
[Jonah.]
I totally understand why they ran off.
This is way above their pay grade.
[all humming.]
[all shouting.]
- [Crow.]
Whoa! - [Tom.]
Switch jobs! [Jonah humming Benny Hill music.]
[doors clanking and whirring.]
["Wedding March" plays on piano.]
[Kinga.]
So the Observers will stay through the meal and then be gone by ten.
Oh, sure, best to get them in their stalls before midnight, or they get all kinds of antsy.
- [sighs.]
- Ah.
Soon, Max, I will be wedded in unholy televisual matrimony.
[both chuckle.]
Victory's so close, I can taste its sweet, nutty tang.
[chuckles.]
Yes, Kinga.
It's it's all coming together.
Okay, so, like, that was surprisingly ominous.
Yeah, mm.
[Kinga.]
Um, the groom's side looks a little empty.
Observers, fill in the groom's side! [indistinct chatter.]
K-K-Kinga, is something wrong? [sighs.]
I know Grandma Pearl said she wasn't coming and sent the invitation back with a dead moth.
But I was really hoping And before you say it, I know.
That's why I have her clone, Synthia.
As the genetic representative of your grandmother, I will be walking you down the aisle.
Initiating hug.
- [Kinga whimpers.]
- [Synthia.]
Yes.
- Ow.
- Feelings.
I suppose this is all I get.
[Pearl.]
Stop that wedding! - [Kinga.]
Grandma! Bobo! Brain Guy! - [Bobo.]
Hello! [Kinga.]
You made it! Oh, I thought this was the "if there was any reason they should not be joined" part.
I don't have a reason, but I figured I'd come up with something.
You know, you've got some nerve showing up at the last minute.
- [gasps.]
- This is my day.
Mine! And I will not let you ruin it.
Kinga Clayton Forrester, you cruel Bridezilla.
You'd destroy anyone to get what you want.
And I've never been prouder! [all.]
Aww! Wuss out later.
We've got a wedding to do.
Bobo, you can be the ring bearer.
I'm honored, Lawgiver's Granddaughter! But you probably don't want an unrestrained ape in the same room as a mashed potato bar.
Brain Guy, will you officiate? Marriage is an obsolete celebration of emotions I have long since evolved beyond.
- But open bar? - Sure.
Boo-ya.
And, Grandma? Will you give me away? I tried giving you away so many times when when you were young, but you just kept coming back.
Maybe this time it'll stick.
[Kinga.]
Uh yeah.
Oh, I can't believe I wore the same thing as that stupid clone.
I am also feeling socially induced shame.
Time for the happiest rating day of my life.
[laughs.]
- Oh, yeah, the groom.
- Oh! Get him down here! You know, you can always back out, buddy.
She said she'd turn off the oxygen, Tom.
And I told you I'm willing to make that sacrifice! Maybe I can use this to get us all back to Earth.
Or get half her stuff in the divorce.
- They signed a prenup.
- Ooh, ouch.
Wow, you should have consulted with me first.
By the way, I do have some advice for your wedding night, though.
Oh, here we go.
[screaming.]
[Tom.]
What the Don't eat pizza in bed! I-I don't think he heard that.
- I don't think he heard that at all.
- No.
[Jonah screaming.]
[crash.]
[shimmering tone.]
[instrumental music.]
When loving lovers love Okay, enough of that.
Enough.
Enough.
- Shh.
Shh.
- Kinga I have something to tell you.
Even though you're evil and have no heart or human decency, I-I still think we can make this work Blah, blah, blah! Ugh! We are not in the movie theater right now.
Can you just shove it for one moment? [Brain Guy.]
Right.
Okay, let's do this.
Do you, Kinga, take this man as your ratings stunt? - [Kinga.]
I do.
- [Brain Guy.]
Ha ha.
And do you, uh, victim's name here, take Kinga to be your overlord and master to obey and obey for as long as this series shall last? I I I, um Um - [metal clanks.]
- [Jonah.]
Um I [Max.]
No, you won't! Die, Jonah Heston! Feel the wrath of TV's Son of TV's Frank! [laughing maliciously.]
Reptilicus Metallicus attack! - [Max laughing maliciously.]
- [all screaming.]
[creature roaring.]
[Max coughing.]
[all screaming.]
Max, you killed our test subject! This is no way to end a season! Oh! I am so pissed at you right now! Ugh! Ugh! [Max.]
Uh this did not go the way I thought it would.
Uh, but that's not meant as a criticism.
Reptilicus Metallicus, you were great! You were great.
[Crow gasps.]
Jonah, no! Oh, this is almost as bad as when Yongary died! Growler, I want to apologize for how we've been treating you.
We owe it to our dear, departed Jonah to treat you the way we would have treated him.
- Aww.
- Yeah.
So we're going to start taking your stuff without asking and making fun of you.
Oh, that sounds good to me.
I'm easygoing.
Quick with a joke to light up your smoke! [laughs.]
What kind of music you guys like? You know any Leonard Cohen? No, but I could fake it.
- [jaunty piano music.]
- Leonard - Leonard Cohen - [Crow sighs.]
[chuckles awkwardly.]
Okay.
Oop! [chuckles.]
[muttering.]
Okay.
[Max.]
Push the button, me.
[beast roaring.]