Never Have I Ever (2020) s01e09 Episode Script

1
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I hate you!
- [CLOCK CHIMES]
- [SCREAMS]
[DOOR OPENS]
What is going on? What happened?
Aravind? We weren't expecting
you till tomorrow morning.
Devi, why are you
screaming at your uncle?
- Uh, cause he scared the crap out of me.
- [CHUCKLES]
[DEVI] What are you doing
here, Aravind Periyappa?
Currently, I'm looking for mustard.
He's also here to be the male
chaperone for Prashant's visit.
Hey, let me help you.
You come. Sit, sit.
You must be so tired after
driving all the way from San Jose.
I'm sorry if I frightened you,
but you left the spare
key under the mat.
And as the owner of the number two
home security company in San Jose area,
I must say your house is
very easy to break into.
I know, Aravind. You try and sell
me a security system every visit.
What if Prashant came here tomorrow,
and found everyone chopped up
into little pieces by a murderer?
That would leave him with a very
bad impression of our family.
Hey, why did you have
to use a spare key?
Why didn't someone let you in?
Kamala was asleep. I could hear
her beautiful snoring from upstairs,
and Devi just got home.
Where were you?
And what are you wearing?
Uh
Sweats. I went for a run.
- At night?
- At night?
You cannot run in Los Angeles at night.
This is the city of Charles
Manson and Harvey Weinstein!
I think it's okay.
The worst criminal in our neighborhood
is the lady who watered
her lawn during the drought.
I reported her, and she's
been punished accordingly.
All right. It's very late.
I want to be fresh to meet
Kamala's future husband tomorrow,
so let's all get some sleep.
I don't know if I can
fall asleep in a house
where a burglar can walk in
at any time and murder me,
but I will do my best.
Good night, Periyappa.
Tide, tide turning ♪
The waves come crashing ♪
[MCENROE] Devi mistaking
her uncle for her dad
had dug up a memory
she'd buried deep inside.
I hate you!
[MCENROE] She was so rattled by it,
she almost forgot a much
more exciting new memory.
She just kissed Paxton
fricking Hall fricking Yoshida!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Paxton. Think about Paxton.
[SIGHS] Dammit!
Not everything is about
you and your problems!
Maybe you would benefit
from a different approach.
You've turned into this fake person
who doesn't give a shit
about her real friends!
[DEVI] I hate you!
[DEVI SCREAMS]
[MCENROE] Looks like it's
gonna be a long night.
Devi, come on. Get up. Prashant's
gonna be here in an hour.
Mom.
Can't I have a little more
time? I barely slept last night.
[NALINI] Out of be right now
and put on something nice.
How about that pretty
dress I got at Costco
while buying our annual
supply of toilet paper?
[MCENROE] Oh, that dress?
It's currently sitting in
the back of Paxton's Jeep,
soaked in pool water.
Yeah. I can't wear that.
I mean, I'll look too good.
We want Prashant to fall in love
with Kamala and not me, right?
You know what? Wear whatever you want.
But please, just remember,
today is Kamala's day,
so let's not have any of
the usual Devi nonsense.
I don't know what you
mean by "Devi nonsense."
I returned home last night to find
you screaming in your uncle's face.
Fair enough.
I promise to be on my best behavior.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
[MCENROE] Shit! Maybe it's Paxton,
or Fabiola trying to apologize.
And I am taking this to my room.
Don't need you distracted today.
What if it's a college
offering early admission?
Devi, for once can you please try
not to make my life any harder?
I hate you!
Kanna, you do not say
such things to your mother.
She can say whatever she wants to me
'cause I'm not the irresponsible girl
who lost her sheet music right
before her concert started!
That doesn't mean I deserve
to be grounded for two weeks.
Oh, yes, it does!
Maybe it will teach you
not to be so thoughtless!
Nalini, please calm down.
I will not come down when this child
insists on being such a headache to me!
[MCENROE] Devi had hoped
she'd slept that memory off,
but there it was again.
Of all days, today she
needed to be normal.
So she had no choice but to
shove that memory back down
to where it came from.
Yeah. Okay, Mom. I'll be good.
Just let me get dressed.
Okay. I'm sure whatever
you wear will be very nice.
Now, I need to help Kamala get ready.
Just gonna rub a little
coconut oil in her hair
so she smells like his mother.
Steve, you have nothing to worry about.
[STEVE] What if this guy
sweeps you off your feet?
I read on Wikipedia
sometimes these Indian guys
come down the aisle on a horse!
It's not my wedding
day. It's just lunch.
[STEVE] Why can't you just leave?
- I'm parked around the block.
- You're what?
Please go. That street
is permit parking only!
You'll get a ticket!
- You are worth the $40.
- Please stop calling.
I promise I will call
you after lunch is over.
This is so unfair. Do you
see what Kamala is doing?
I wasn't doing anything.
She gets to be on her phone. How
come you're not yelling at her?
Don't bother your cousin, sweetie.
She doesn't need any extra pressure.
Today's lunch will determine
whether or not she has a happy life.
Great. Thank you for
relieving the pressure, Auntie.
Come on.
[LIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
Now, as a wife, it's great
to have your own opinions,
but remember, sometimes
Prashant will come home from work
and just want to watch cricket.
Well, I plan to work too.
Of course, kanna. I'm a modern man.
I know that you'll want to
work until you have children.
All sons. Fingers crossed.
Remind me again, Aravind Periyappa,
were you ever married?
Devi, don't pry into your
uncle's personal life.
[ARAVIND LAUGHS]
Oh, Devi, there have been many women
who wanted to settle
down with old Aravind,
but I'm sort of a lone wolf.
Hard to pin down.
The problem with being a security
expert is allowing someone to
break into your heart.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
It's Prashant. I will open the door.
Aravind, behind me to my
left. Kamala, to my right.
Devi, next to her. Devi, make
sure you favor your left side.
Kamala, both your
sides are equally good.
Come on.
Deep breath.
Prashant?
Hello.
Whoa, damn. You're hot.
Devi, don't say that to a stranger.
I'm sorry I called you hot.
It's just, like, we
were expecting an uggo.
- Ow.
- No, no, it's okay.
Uh, thank you for not
thinking I'm an uggo.
Hi, I'm Prashant.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Kamala.
Oh, Prashant, please, please come in.
Welcome, welcome. Take
your shoes off. Uh-huh.
- Welcome to out house.
- Wow, it's beautiful.
Mm-hmm.
Wow. What an amazing grandfather clock.
Oh! [LAUGHS] What, this old
thing? Priceless family heirloom.
Um, Kamala, I brought you a small gift.
Oh, that's so sweet.
[NALINI] Oh, Swarovski crystals.
He knows his Indian women.
A beaver is kind of a
weird choice, Prashant.
No, it's perfect.
It's the mascot of Caltech.
How thoughtful.
It was my college mascot too, at MIT.
- After all, the beaver is
- [TOGETHER] Nature's engineer.
I just googled the price.
Wow, that's valuable.
Now you really need a
home security system.
Why don't I put that somewhere safe?
- I can take it to your room, Kamala.
- Thank you, Devi.
Don't take too long, and don't waste
your time looking for your phone.
It's very well hidden.
Prashant, you must be hungry.
Please come, sit.
Steve? Oh, my God! You
scared the crap out of me.
You almost made me drop
this expensive-ass beaver!
Nature's engineer?
Did he give that to her?
Yeah, but what are you doing here?
I'm rescuing my love
from sexual slavery.
It looks like you're just
reading an Indian hair magazine.
Shouldn't you like
storm down and get her?
I was going to, but I didn't
know how big Prashant was,
and also, I'm scared of your mom.
Okay. It doesn't seem like
you'll be storming anywhere.
You just stay here, and I'll get Kamala.
I thought I came to America
for the great education,
but I think my favorite
part might be the ice cream.
There are so many flavors here.
Way more than just pistachio.
My favorite part is that traffic
is separated into two directions.
It's adorable.
That took long enough.
Sorry. I was busy trying
to find the perfect spot
for the crystal beaver in Kamala's room.
In fact, I think she should
check out where I put it.
- No, that's okay. I trust you.
- You shouldn't.
You should really see
the beaver for yourself.
You're never gonna
believe where it ended up.
A shelf? A table?
- Now I'm curious. Can I go see?
- No!
Kamala should be alone
with the crystal beaver
and figure out what the future
holds for the two of them.
Okay. I guess I'll go look.
[EXHALES]
[PRASHANT] So, Uncle,
you're a security system
What are you up to?
I thought we said no Devi nonsense.
[ARAVIND] in the
south San Jose area.
Nalini, please calm down.
I will not calm down when this child
insists on being such a headache to me!
Oh, my God. Dad!
Devi is not a headache.
The concert starts in 30 minutes.
So let's stop yelling at each other
and look for the sheet music together,
and when we come home
later, I will fix this.
Kanna, please go
upstairs and check again.
Upstairs!
Yeah, yeah. Take your time going up!
[MCENROE] Okay, keep it together, Devi.
You don't need to go back
there. Stay in the present.
I'm sure whatever your Uncle Aravind
is saying is really interesting.
Focus.
[ARAVIND] What people don't realize
is that most home burglaries
happen during the daytime.
That's why I recommend clients
live as far north on
their blocks as possible
where days are shorter.
- Hello, Kamala.
- Oh, my God. Steve?
Why are you here?
Because you shouldn't be bought and sold
by your family like a prized calf.
That's not what's happening here,
and that also feels a little racial.
I want a chance to make my offer.
Let me start by saying
I don't have a ring.
No, no, no. Get up.
I don't want to marry you.
But you want to marry
that stranger downstairs?
No, I don't want to marry anyone!
[SIGHS]
Oh, Steve, you're so sweet,
and handsome, and
surprisingly good at mini golf,
and I appreciate you being
my first boyfriend, but
Oh, no.
Did I just talk you
into breaking up with me?
Sorry, but I think you did.
So, Uncle tells me you're
a dermatologist, Auntie.
She is. We have a lot
of doctors in the family.
Cousin Manju started her
cardiology residency at 18.
Devi, you have some catching up to do.
Well, Cousin Manju is
also a 28-year-old virgin.
So, I'm good.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
[MCENROE] The day was turning around.
Forget those pesky flashbacks.
Devi had reined in her brain
and was being charming as hell.
So, Devi, what are you into?
Oh, this young lady is
a very talented musician.
Devi, why don't you play
something on your harp?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[ARAVIND] Devi. Hello?
Don't leave us music lovers waiting.
Devi is, uh, actually taking a
little break from the harp right now.
Kanna, why don't you
just help me clear the table?
I don't know about you,
but now all I can think
about is hearing some harp.
[WHISPERING] What's wrong with
you? You're acting so strange.
I'm fine. I think I'm
having low blood sugar.
I don't see how. You ate five samosas.
I'm sorry. I'm just under
a lot of stress right now.
How are your legs? Can you feel this?
- Yes, and it hurts! Stop pinching me.
- Okay.
My legs are fine. Everything's fine.
Okay. Good, good.
I just don't want Prashant to
tell his family that we're weird.
Okay, look. You go back
in there. You talk to him.
I'm gonna go see what's
taking Kamala so long.
No, Mom, wait!
No, it's not because you're bad at sex.
- Oh, God.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Kamala, what is your
boyfriend doing here
when your future husband is here?
- How did you know that I had a boyfriend?
- It's pretty obvious.
All the sneaking around, all
the whispered phone calls.
I also saw him fall off the
roof a couple of mornings ago.
I'm so sorry, Kamala.
I tried to stop her,
but she shot up here
like a frigging panther.
I have let you down, Auntie.
You welcomed me into your home,
and I've been lying to you.
[MCENROE] Devi felt bad for her cousin.
She knew the storm that was
about to be unleashed on her.
This was gonna be a bloodbath.
It's okay. I understand.
Huh? You understand?
You have literally never
said that to me before.
Devi, please.
[NALINI] All I'm saying is
I know there are some real
hunks on the Caltech campus.
I've watched Big Bang Theory.
So you're not mad?
Of course not.
What the hell is going on here?
Look, no one is forcing
you to do anything.
All a family can do is just
point you in the right direction.
- What if I'm the right direction?
- You're not.
Okay, we need to get him out of here
before Prashant or Aravind see him.
Uh, he can go back out the window.
No, no, he can't. It's too risky.
Aravind might just hear him
clomping around on the roof.
Then he'll have to
go out the front door,
but we'll need a distraction.
Devi?
Yeah, I can do that.
Get up.
Prashant, I noticed that you carry
your cell phone in your front pocket.
Is that because you do not
wish to have any children?
Hi. Would either of you care to have
your chai in the living room?
Oh, God, yes.
Uh, no, thank you. I prefer to
lift my tea from dining table level.
But wouldn't rather sit
in a more comfortable seat?
No.
Okay.
Um
What if I played my harp for you?
Really? How wonderful!
[TUNING HARP]
Sorry. It's been a minute.
I just need to tune this thing.
It's fine. Take your time.
[TUNING HARP]
[PRASHANT] Are you okay, Devi?
You don't have to play
if you don't want to.
Maybe we should wait until
Kamala and Nalini come back.
What's taking them so long?
No, it's fine. I'm ready.
[PLAYING SONG]
Kanna, look what I got you. It's a harp.
Harp? I wanted a guitar.
[MOHAN] No, you don't. Come here.
Any idiot can play the guitar.
It only has six strings.
How many strings do you see here?
- A million.
- Exactly.
[MOHAN] See, this is an
instrument for a real musician.
You're far too special
for a stupid guitar.
Prodigy.
[MCENROE] Hey, this is
kind of a breakthrough.
Devi is playing the harp again?
Maybe she's all better now.
Shall we go?
[DOOR CLOSES]
Goodbye, Steve.
I'm sorry if I've hurt you.
You did.
Is Devi home?
[SONG ENDS]
[ARARVIND AND PRASHANT CLAPPING]
How wonderful! You're
very talented, Devi.
Prashant, we should set her
up with your little brother.
Your brother Arun, not the
one who works at Massage Envy.
[NALINI] Hello, everyone.
[LAUGHS] Here is Kamala.
I'm just gonna steal Devi for a second.
Did you get rid of Steve?
How hard did he cry?
Paxton?
There are more boys coming
and going in this house
than the GameStop at the mall.
Look, I can go. It
seems like a bad time.
- You just weren't responding to texts.
- Don't go, Paxton.
You haven't returned Devi back her
dress that she took off in your car.
Okay, I did take off my
dress and leave it in his car,
- but not in the way you think I did.
- Don't even try.
I cannot believe you
because you keep lying to me.
She's telling the
truth, Dr. Vishwakumar.
She fell in the pool at the party,
so I gave her a change of clothes.
- [NALINI] A party?
- Oh, shit.
[SARCASTICALLY] Thank you so
much, Paxton, for clearing that up.
So, not only did you disobey me
by going to this party last night,
you were so sober,
you fell into the pool,
and then did God knows what
with this boy in his car.
All we did was kiss.
You what?
[MCENROE] Paxton, these
are very unforced errors.
Oh, Devi, this is just terrific.
Great decision making.
Why don't you just let
this idiot knock you up?
Maybe Princeton will allow you
to raise a little
baby in your dorm room.
He's not an idiot.
Oh, I'm sorry. Is he an honors student?
I had no idea. My apologies, Paxton.
[MCENROE] Even though Nalini
was talking out of frustration
more than anything else,
Paxton was stung by these
little digs at his intelligence.
- I'm gonna go.
- Mmm.
You must have a very busy day
returning dresses to other smart girls
whose futures you're trying to ruin.
Mom, stop.
What was that?
I barely did anything.
I kissed one boy one time.
Meanwhile, the guy
Kamala's having sex with
just broke into our house,
and you don't even care.
Well, I'll say it again.
I'm not surprised someone
has broken into this house.
This seems like a very
private conversation.
[KAMALA] Prashant
I am so sorry.
I was seeing someone,
and he did kind of just
break into the house.
Was it the guys who was climbing
the tree outside when I arrived?
I thought he was the landscaper.
Yes, that was Steve.
So this was all a waste of time?
Wow. I feel like I'm being pranked.
No. No, I would never prank you.
I hate pranks.
I don't understand why America
has a national holiday
to celebrate them.
I agree. April Fools' is
way scarier than Halloween.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Look, Prashant, I am
so sorry this happened,
but I promise you I'm
not with Steve anymore.
But also I don't think I'm
ready to get engaged today.
[LAUGHS] Well, that is very clear.
That doesn't mean I won't ever be.
This all just feels so
strange at the moment.
I know. It's weird for me too.
To be honest, I'm actually relieved
you aren't some Goody Two-shoes
who does everything you're told.
It makes you more interesting.
- You think so?
- Definitely.
Every other Indian girl
I've been set up with
has tried to act like my mother.
[LAUGHS] Yes. What is that about?
I don't know, but I'm
certainly not trying
to go to bed with my mother every night.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I know you just had another
man climbing on you roof,
so maybe I'm an idiot for
saying this, but I can't help it.
I kinda like you.
I kinda like you too.
And your family is very
entertaining.
What if we just kept this between us?
Took things slow. Just
got to know each other.
Are you saying you don't want my
uncle around every time we talk?
I'd prefer if he were not.
I would too.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- [DOOR OPENS]
Two secret boyfriends
have entered this house
during a lunch to decide
this family's future.
What is it when I'm not
here? Three secret boyfriends?
This household is out of control!
It's not out of control.
I'd argue it's too under control.
Devi, do not talk back to your uncle.
The lack of discipline and
respect here is astounding to me.
When you return to India, this
behavior will be put to bed!
We're going to India?
Can't we vacation in
Aspen like Ben's family?
It's the playground
of the rich and famous.
[LAUGHS] You're not just going
on vacation to India, young lady.
Mom, what is he talking about?
Sweetheart, your uncle and I have
been talking for the past month or so
about how hard it's been for us here,
especially with family
being so far away
Oh, my God. You want
us to move to India?
I
I think it would be better for us.
- I need to go to my room.
- [NALINI] Devi
Aravind.
- Devi, listen to me.
- No, I don't want to.
Look, I'll know it'll be a big
change, but I think we need it.
Look, I feel like a stranger here,
and I don't have a support system,
and frankly, without your
father around, I just
I just feel like I'm really
struggling to raise you.
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[NALINI] You are too easy on her.
No, I'm not. I have
a different approach.
Okay, great. Then why
don't you raise her?
Because I give up. I am done. She's
too headstrong and doesn't listen.
Whoever this child is,
I am through with her!
- [MOHAN] Nalini
- [NALINI] No, that's your child.
She's no daughter of mine.
I understand you're
struggling to raise me.
You're struggling to raise
me 'cause you don't like me.
What? Don't like you? That's not true.
I heard what you said
the night Dad died.
You said I wasn't your daughter.
I know I'm just a burden to you.
So you can go to India alone.
Or maybe take Kamala with you.
She's the daughter you actually wanted.
Devi, that's not fair.
[CRYING] What's not fair
is that I lost the only parent
that actually cared about me.
I wish you were the one
that died that night.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[HARP MUSIC PLAYING]