Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e03 Episode Script

Alex Brooker, Sara Pascoe, John Cooper Clarke and Amelia Lily

1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Thank you! Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
And if you're new to the show, I'm the new host, Rhod Gilbert.
Deal with it, I have.
Let's meet the guests.
On Phill's team tonight # I don't want to be nice I think it's clever to swear.
A poet whose punk and still full of spunk.
He looks like a shark.
It's John Cooper Clarke! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You make my brain go A comedian who says she is constantly being mistaken for other blonde comedians.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Russell Howard! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sorry, it's not! It's not, it's not! I'm so sorry.
It's Sara Pascoe, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WHISTLING And on Noel's team # You're in California And I'm in London city.
A singer who, when she found out her debut single went to number two, she threw up.
I threw up after a number two once, which is why I now keep a box of matches in the bathroom.
LAUGHTER - It's Amelia Lily! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Don't stop doing what you're doing.
A TV presenter on Channel 4's The Last Leg, who also worked on The Jump with Davina McCall.
He can work on it all he likes, she's already told me there's no way she's shagging him.
It's Alex Brooker! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'll tell you what I've noticed about this week's guests, all of you pretty much get mistaken for other people.
- I've already alluded to you, Sara.
- Yeah.
But you're not the only one, because Alex, was it Louis Walsh? I mean, I'm pretty unique to look at so I don't often get mistaken for that many people.
But I did Alan Carr's Chatty Man and midway through it transpired that he'd spent the last hour and a half thinking was the lead singer of Mumford and Sons.
LAUGHTER This is a guy that plays guitar! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's like, where's the giveaway? Is there nothing that man doesn't know about music? John, you get mistaken for all sorts of people, but most notably I read Ronnie Wood.
Siouxsie out of Siouxsie And The Banshees.
You look like Noel Fielding's nan.
LAUGHTER I've never felt so fat with small hair in all my life.
LAUGHTER - Do you get mistaken for anyone, Amelia? - I don't think so.
- I know you're going to say someone.
- I'm not! How old are you? - You're a young 'un.
- I'm 19.
- 19.
- No-one anywhere is 19.
- LAUGHTER That's my point! Hey, Rhod, I'll tell you what, I thought I was 19 couple of years ago, when I read my birthday card upside down.
LAUGHTER So another week, another brand-new round and I'm lactating with excitement.
This round is called Video Hurt The Radio Star.
- # Video - Hurt! - .
.
the radio star - # Video - Hurt! - .
.
the radio star.
# LAUGHTER This round is all about accidents on the set of music videos.
Did Kylie spin round so hard on the Spinning Around video that her own head racked up 4Gs before she passed out? While filming Invisible, did Bono get his foot stuck in a cat? All you've got to do is say what accident befell the artist in the music video.
Phill, Sara, John, your question concerns this chiselled cherub.
# When you hear the music you make a dip Into someone else's pocket then make a slip It's Harpic-haired rock maniac Billy Idol! # I'm on a bus on a psychedelic trip Reading murder books tryin' to stay hip.
That was Billy Idol with Eyes Without A Face.
Hard-working Billy was on set for 30 straight hours to get this video in the can.
But what went wrong during filming? Was it A - Billy convinced a female dancer to writhe sexily above a dry ice machine and it burned her Dean Gaffney? LAUGHTER It's because it says on here "It burnt her" And I had to think LAUGHTER He stood too close to some fire cannons and his contact lenses fused to his eyeballs.
That his constant lip curling and snarling caused him a cramp.
His lip went into paralysis and he had to have surgery to unlock his locked up lips.
LAUGHTER I like the idea of that.
LAUGHTER They tried to fool you with it, John.
- They put three things that are vaguely credible.
- I get the picture.
LAUGHTER It's all adding up now.
You said to me that sounds painful, someone riding a dry ice machine.
Yeah, I don't think I'd want anyone burning my foo-foo.
Let's push you for an answer, then.
Is it that he got a female dancer writhe sexily on a dry ice machine and that all went wrong, she got singed? His contact lenses fused to his eyeballs? Or he got lip paralysis and had to have surgery to unlock his locked up lips? I bet she got lip paralysis as well! Do you see what I did there? LAUGHTER - Yeah, I do! - She could actually have snapped her pubic hair off.
LAUGHTER Dr Cooper Clarke has extended the metaphor a little bit.
- What are you going for? - I changed my mind about the foo-foo inferno.
Have you? I disagree but I'm going with my two friends.
- No, if you disagreed.
- Off! Off! - If you disagree, you have to say, because then you can lord it over them OK, I think it's the lady on the dry ice machine.
OK, it's the dry ice machine.
I'm afraid it's the wrong answer! AUDIENCE GROANS He stood too close to some fire cannons and his contact lenses fused to his eyeballs.
- APPLAUSE - Oh, dear! I'm so sorry! APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH What a mess! He was bandaged up for three days after doctors surgically removed the lenses from his eyes.
- Oh, my God.
- Almost lost his sight.
Three days he was bandaged up.
Saying that, we are still going to do some jokes about it, strap him! LAUGHTER Billy Idol's 1980 single Dancing With Myself was apparently about masturbation.
I didn't realise dancing was a euphemism for masturbation.
It does explain why Lionel Richie has a ladder in his bedroom.
LAUGHTER - I like that one! - It's a belter! - I like that one! Cos it took me a second and then Yeah, it takes a second and then you think yeah, - dancing on the ceiling - And Dean Gaffney, I was like, yeah.
I started thinking, "Christ, is it 'dance yourself dizzy'? - "Is that a euphemism?" - Dancing in the street, that's illegal.
Yeah, they got arrested, Jagger and Bowie after that video.
- Dancing With Tears In My Eyes.
That takes - LAUGHTER - Dancing In The Dark - fair enough, nothing wrong with that.
- LAUGHTER Here's one for Noel's team.
I want to be that G-U-Y.
Yes, it's walking art installation, Lady Gaga.
# I want to be that G-U-Y I wanna be your guy.
That was Lady Gaga and a typically bonkers video, G-U-Y.
On set, Gaga had an accident with something not featured on video.
But what was it? A panda.
LAUGHTER Is it A, a giant helter-skelter.
Lady Gaga insisted on testing it so much before they filmed, that she got a severe carpet burn from the mat.
B - a slow loris.
- A what? A slender loris or a slow loris? - A slow loris.
Gaga wanted it to feature in the video, a slow loris.
She got it on the set but it bit her and was taken away in disgrace.
- What's one of them? - What is it, Noel? Explain to your team.
I'm not sure if it's a monkey or a marsupial, but it's a small nocturnal animal with big eyes that moves very slowly.
Say if it wanted to get this tea, it might go like this.
And then at that point decides a story worth it.
LAUGHTER Or she was wearing an outfit made entirely of human hair, but a rogue spark set fire to it and burnt her Have you had any run-ins with any animals, Amelia? I had 28 guinea pigs once.
- That'll do.
- LAUGHTER - Why did you have 28 guinea pigs? - Well, I don't know.
I kind of got two and then started breeding.
- And then they started breeding.
In the end - I get it.
I totally get it.
I did run out of names, like.
LAUGHTER What were their names? do you remember them? Victoria Beckham, David Beckham LAUGHTER They're all dead now.
They're all dead? To be fair they all lived to a very old age.
But one of them we found a skeleton in the back of the garden.
LAUGHTER What position was the skeleton in? LAUGHTER I do remember it had its Amelia, if I can cut in here, if you like guinea pigs, and I know you do LAUGHTER I do, yes.
If you're ever around the Ipswich area, visit Jimmy's Farm.
He's got a miniature village there built on Enlightenment lines, - you know, grid pattern.
- Yeah, yeah.
Living in the lap of bleeding luxury.
Guinea Pig City.
The town hall caught fire on one occasion.
You could see the flames from four feet away.
APPLAUSE The worst thing is, the fire brigade, it's the slow loris.
Let's push you for an answer.
Loris, hair outfit, helter-skelter.
Loris, Loris.
Is the right answer! Is the right answer.
APPLAUSE It's the right answer.
A source told the New York Post, "The slow loris is the cutest creature on the planet.
"Lady Gaga wanted to use it in one scene but it nipped her, "they put it back in its box and put took it away in disgrace.
" Aww! Lady Gaga's dad apparently invented wireless internet for hotels.
So he's responsible for all those lonely businessmen dancing by themselves in hotel bedrooms.
This is a bonus question for your team, though.
Gaga is of course notorious for her risque and revealing outfits but for a bonus point, why does she always say she shows so much, and I'm going to put this delicately, leg and arse? Is it because she idolised Donald Duck as a child and he never wore trousers? Her bum and legs are claustrophobic? SARAH LAUGHS Or so that her grandmother can recognise her on the television? - Wow! - I don't think my Nana would be over the moon seeing my arse and legs.
Legs, all right, not my arse, though.
What, is she more of a leg woman, is she? She'd probably show her arse, though.
- Would she? - Yeah.
OK, well, we'll leave that.
LAUGHTER Amelia's only 19.
How old's your nan? Er, she's 70.
Still catchment area.
I'm in.
That doesn't make it all right, John! There's a schooner of sherry waiting for him I really have no idea about this.
The problem I've got, it could be anything.
Donald? Yeah, Donald.
You're going for, she idolised Donald Duck as a child and he never wore trousers, I can tell you right now, you are wrong! It was C, so that her grandmother can recognise her on TV! That is the reason she gives for showing so much legs and arse.
In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, Gaga said, "My grandmother is basically blind "but she can make out lighter parts, like skin and hair.
Her nan says, "I can see you because you have no pants on.
" So Lady Gaga says, "I'm going to continue to wear no pants "so that my grandmother can see me.
" And I know where she's coming from because Gaga and I are incredibly similar in that way.
My grandmother suffers from exactly the same thing so I just want to say, "Hi, Gran!" It's me! It's your grandson! It's me! Hosting Never Mind The Buzzcocks! I've had these on for an hour.
Come on! Ridiculous! It's so long! Anyone partially blind at home is having a terrible time! And at the end of that round Phill's team have nothing and Noel's team have one.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Time for the intros round.
Phill and John, here are yours, for Sarah.
Up you stand, Dr Clark.
Really excited about this and I really hope I know the songs.
# Badum-tm-tch, Badum-tm-tch # Wew, wew, wew, wew, wew, wew, # Ba-bow, ba-bow, ba-bow, ba-bow Dng-tk-tsh, tk-tsh, tk-tsh Harder, Stronger, Better, Faster, Daft Punk.
Right! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Wowzer! - That was impressive! - Thank you.
Yes indeed, it was Harder, Better Faster, Stronger, and here's how it should have sounded SONG PLAYS .
.
Stronger, better, faster Let's have your next one.
Let's see if you're as good across other musical genres.
So it just goes, # Digga-daow # Digga-daow # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da # Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da da-da dada daow ALL: # Da-da, da-da, da-da # Da-da, da-da, da-da # Da-da, da-da, da-da da-da dada daow Got some hot stuff baby It is Hot Stuff, Donna Summer, absolutely right.
APPLAUSE Absolutely right.
Very, very This is what it should have sounded like, not that you need it.
Very good.
SONG PLAYS - Very good! - This is one of my favourite songs.
Good song, innit? Devout Christian Donna caused controversy when she allegedly said that AIDS was God's way of punishing homosexuals.
Which is total nonsense.
We all know it was created by EastEnders scriptwriters, desperate for a way to get rid of Todd Carty.
LAUGHTER What, too soon? We also heard Daft Punk, "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger".
Daft Punk caused some controversy last year with their song "Get Lucky", which was about all about sex.
If you don't like that you definitely shouldn't flip the record over and listen to the B-side, "Get Really Lucky".
That's just for birthdays! Amelia Lily? I hear that you can do, like, a really good crying baby impression.
Oh, God, no! Where'd you hear that? Ha-ha! I do try.
I can't imagine a positive reason why you'd want to do that.
It makes women lactate, if they've just recently had children and there's a certain pitch, so maybe that's why you do it? I don't know, it's more to wind babies up.
Who would want to wind up a baby?! "You little pink wanker!" SHE CRIES LIKE A BABY Oh, my God! - Oh, God! - That's really good! Oh, it's not good, it's horrific! Oh, my God! My nipples are soaking! HORRIFIED LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, that's horrible! Noel, these are yours, and Amelia.
For Alex.
All right, here we go.
Right.
# Baca-baca-baca-baca Beurl, Beurl-ning beurl-bing Whaaaw # Beurl-nika HE IMITATES HIGH-PITCHED GUITAR NOODLING # Beurl, Beurl-ning, beurl-bing AMELIA IMITATES CRYING BABY Oh! Oh, man! That's so it.
Oh, man! Pssshh! Pssshh! - What is your answer, Alex, to that one? - I don't know.
Don't know? I'll throw it over.
Hendrix? Voodoo Chile? Boom! This is what it should have sounded like SONG PLAYS That was Voodoo Chile, Jimi Hendrix.
OK, your next one, please.
# Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm # Baow-baow-baow-baow # Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm # Baow-baow-baow Ah, I know this one.
Spit it out, then! I don't! I think, I do know it, but I don't know the name of it.
Which isn't really knowing it, is it? Want some clues, Alex? - Yeah, please.
- Is there any point in me giving you clue? Because you won't get it.
I'm just more than 99% sure you won't get it, that's all.
Oh, I know who it is.
It's, um, it's, er, Duke Dumont, I Need You.
Yeah! - I can't give it to you.
- Why?! Because you only got it from the clue and the clue, I need you (100%).
I can't, I can't.
What is this shit? That's shocking! SHE CRIES LIKE A BABY Oh, God! APPLAUSE God! Ah, God! Ugh! Duke Dumont, I Need You (100%), and this is what it should have sounded like.
SONG PLAYS At a showcase in 2011, Duke Dumont vocalist AME was signed to Gary Barlow's record label.
I say "record label", according to the Inland Revenue, it's a kebab van in Jersey.
We also heard Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Chile.
Jimi Hendrix famously died in Notting Hill.
Lucky bastard - I sat through the whole shitting film.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Round three is the identity parade but this week it's a line-up with a difference.
Sara Pascoe, a little bird told me that you used to believe that you were fated to end up with none other than Robbie Williams.
- Is that true? - Yes.
Is it also true that, to bring you closer to that dream, you infiltrated Robbie's family and started being a backing singer and dancer for his dad? - It is true.
- 2001! Well, what if I told you that Robbie Williams' dad is here tonight, and we asked him about it? He doesn't remember me? Well, he wasn't entirely sure which of his hangers-on you were.
LAUGHTER So we thought, there's an identity parade so would you take your place on the floor, and we're going to bring out a number of other Pascoe-ites.
While Sara gets ready, let's hear a little bit of Robbie Williams just to put us all in the mood.
# I was her # She was me # We were one # We were free # If there's somebody # Calling me on # She's the one APPLAUSE It's Pete Conway, ladies and gentlemen, Robbie Williams' dad! What's it like being Robbie Williams' dad? I've been at it for a long time so I've got used to it now.
Let's take you round there.
You take a seat next to Phill there.
- Phill, if you can look after him.
- Yeah.
This is very interesting, by the way.
It is interesting, this is very new for us.
This is genuinely, people, Robbie Williams' dad.
- You are Robbie Williams' dad.
- I am, yeah.
Can you prove that in any way? You could be a ringer.
I was there at the conception.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It was a nice night.
Ha-ha! We were dancing in the dark! So, for a point, for Sara's team.
Which one is Sara Pascoe, your former backing singer and dancer? Is it number one, Sara Pascoe? Is it number two, Dalziel and Pascoe? Is it number three, Joe Pasco-ale? Is it number four, do not Pass-go? Or is it number five, Community Chest? I remember Sara very well from, it would be about 2001.
And there's no doubt.
Hello, Sara, she's number four.
PETE LAUGHS Oh, well, well! The real Sara Pascoe is indeed number four! Sara, what are you doing now? Er Doing a bit of panel show shit! Pete, what are you up to now? Me? I've just finished touring with Rob and I'll be becoming a grandad again in a few weeks' time and I'm going to go over to LA and spend a bit of time with me lad and hopefully do something next year, but I don't know what yet.
Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Conway.
Give it up.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And Sara Pascoe! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up, Pete Conway and Sara Pascoe, the other Pascoes.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT CONVERSATION Now, Noel, Alex and Amelia, here's yours.
For the audience only, here is Janet Kay performing Silly Games.
# And I've got no time # To live this love # No, I've got no time # To play your silly games VERY HIGH-PITCHED: # Silly games # Jesus, Janet, calm down! That was Janet Kay with Silly Games.
But which of our line-up is Janet? Is it number one, Janet Kay? Is it number two, Vernon Kay? Is it number three, Special K? Is it number four, Annie are you OK? Or is it number five, Dirty Diana? I quite fancy asking them if they can all hold a different high note each and then maybe judge from that.
You can try it.
All I know is, they're old people.
Play the old disabled card! All right, number one, this is like my Make A Wish.
Oh! Oh, too far! Oh, too far! I think you should know, because I've got one leg, and that, as well as my hand, and I'm doubling up on this, it's not so hard, like I'm very sick, it's something I live with every day, but .
.
with all this high-note business, do you fancy holding a high note for me, number one? Take it away! Take it away! Dude gave up a chance to swim with dolphins for this.
Least you could do is impersonate a kettle! I actually did swim with dolphins once and they wouldn't go near me because they thought I was injured.
So I just bobbed around for like, an hour, for £300, in Mexico.
It was complete bullshit.
LAUGHTER Did you have to roll the money out and put it in their blowholes? - Got to push you for an answer.
- What are your instincts telling you? I think She's got nice shoes, number three, hasn't she? You're saying number three is the real Janet Kay.
Will the real Janet Kay please step forward? Oh, shit! APPLAUSE Ohhhhh! It was number four! Janet Kay, ladies and gentlemen! Janet, what are you up to these days? I've just released a new album, Classic Covers Collection, which is available on iTunes, and I'm still touring and gigging.
What sort of covers is it? Wishing On A Star, First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, Dancing Shoes Oh, that's We all know what you mean by dancing shoes.
- Janet Kay, ladies and gentlemen.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We end the show, as usual, with our quickfire round, Next Lines.
Each week, I give you a theme.
This week, it's songs from boy bands.
Phill, your team are in the lead, so you go first.
Your time starts now.
Let me lick you up and down That's on the card.
Till you say stop.
Yes! Freak Me Baby by Another Level.
I bought a ticket to the world But now I've come back again.
Absolutely right! True, by Spandau Ballet.
I've been to the year 3000 And not much has changed, but they live underwater.
Absolutely.
Who'd have thought? END-OF-ROUND JINGLE APPLAUSE - Busted.
Great band.
- How did you get so well versed in boy bands? - Well, I only answered one question there.
Busted.
- Even so But they weren't really a boy band.
One of them wore a guitar.
- APPLAUSE - Can't write that shit! Right, so, Noel's team, you need five points to win.
Noel, you could have it all, for me.
I'm only here for the company.
APPLAUSE Your time starts now.
You may hate me, but it ain't no lie # .
.
hate me, but it ain't no lie.
Baby, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye - Wahey! - I'll give it you.
Bye, Bye, Bye by 'N Sync.
Absolutely right.
Everybody get up singing one, two, three, four Five will make you get down now.
Everybody, Five, Five.
Whoa! System up with the top down - Got the city on lockdown.
- Whoa! Whoa! Fly by Blue.
Ooh, hang on a minute.
Name the song.
Name the song.
- Poker Face.
- Yes! It's absolutely right! It is Poker Face.
END-OF-ROUND JINGLE Ohhhh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - I'm so proud of myself! - You were so cool! Everyone said, "You're a dick "for making that boy-band playlist on your iPhone.
" Now I'm not.
Secret weapon! APPLAUSE So, at the end of the show, Phill's team have six.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Seven.
Winners.
Seven.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Seven! Seven! Winners! Winners.
So, that's it.
- Thanks to Phill, John and Sara! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Noel, Alex and Amelia! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I've been Rhod Gilbert.
I am off to see a man about a slow loris.
Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE