Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e04 Episode Script

Kerry Godliman, James Acaster, Har Mar Superstar and Nicole Scherzinger

1 This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, hello.
Hello, welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I'm Rhod Gilbert.
Right, that's enough chit-chat, let's meet the guests.
On Noel's team tonight # Let's have a drink Let's have a drink A singer who invented the term schermazing - let's hope she's not a big pile of Scher-misappointment tonight - it's Nicole Scherzinger! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A stand-up comedian who says his party piece is breathing through his ears.
I reckon he's talking out of his arse.
But if he isthat's pretty impressive, too.
It's James Acaster! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on Phill's team tonight If Barry White was the Walrus Of Love, this guy is the Manatee of Unwanted Attention - it's Har Mar Superstar! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a comedian and actor who starred in Ricky Gervais's nursing-home sitcom, Derek, which bravely dealt with depression, helplessness and suicide - and that was just the audience - it's Kerry Godliman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE James, I have to get into this a bit.
Breathing through your ears? - Yeah.
- You can breathe through your ears.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Well, no.
Ah! Still.
I can suck air into my ears but there's no way I can prove that to anyone.
You said it's hard to prove, but I thought of an infallible way - Oh, God.
- One Malteser, one straw.
Yeah.
My old party trick.
If I pop these down in front of you we can test out the power of Acaster ear.
You're going to put a straw in my ear and I suck a Malteser with it - is that what'll happen? You place the straw, I'll place the Malteser.
I reckon if you can breathe air into your ears you should be able to pick that up.
I mean, I'm entering into this fully knowing it's not going to work.
LAUGHTER - Really? - Imagine that.
Imagine being in my position, right now.
LAUGHTER Not happening.
That is a shame, because I had other things lined up.
I didn't know how powerful it was, I was OK, Kerry, I read in your notes Go on - You can bounce a cigarette off your nose.
- Yeah.
Well, in my head that's like - Oh! There we go.
- No! I can't imagine how.
I haven't done it for a while.
NICOLE GASPS That's amazing! Thank you! Schermazing! Better than your trick, James.
I can smoke that through my ears, mate, so LAUGHTER Nicole, in your notes, it says Peace pipe through the anus? LAUGHTER Let us start, ladies and gentlemen.
It is time for Round One - Rumour Has It.
MUSIC STARTS GRUFFLY: Rumour has it.
Rumour has it.
- You didn't even try! - I did try! - I gave that everything! - No! You do a better job then, Nicole.
WEAKLY: # Rumour has it Rumour has it Yours was like SLURRING: # Rumour has it # It's not as easy as you thought, is it? This round is all about rumours.
Were Chris de Burgh's eyebrows grown artificially on the back of a mouse? Is Ed Sheeran actually just a bit of Jimmy Nail that fell off? I'm going to show you some clues relating to a musician and a rumour about that musician.
All you've got to do is piece together the story.
Phill, Kerry, and Har Mar - here's your question.
It concerns these guys.
# I was made for loving you, baby You were made for loving me, baby It's a warning to everyone to wear protective face masks whilst paintballing - it's rock turds Kiss! Can you get enough of me But what rumour connects lead singer Gene Simmons to these objects? A cow, a tape measure, and a surgeon.
Phill's team.
It's obvious.
Gene Simmons has a very long tongue.
Yes.
And it's probably because it's been a cow penis that's been surgically placed You know in the States, Har Mar, do cows have cocks, a lot of the time? Most of the time, right? What, just under their breasts? Udders are typically, in America, a series of smaller cocks that you pull upon.
No! We're drinking something else, if it's that! - Oh, God! - Well, I was raised a different way.
- Where were you raised? - Minnesota.
- OK.
- Lotta cows.
- Yeah.
Where are you from in America, Nicole? I was born in Hawaii, the island of Hawaii.
I read that you were part Filipino, part something else, part Hawaiian Honestly, you were one quarter short of a Quattro Stagione, I thought.
Practically a pizza, when I read your notes! I can't see Nicole's face, Rhod.
How's that going down? Don't cross the line, we're with Nicole.
Otherwise me and James will come in.
We'll pummel you in your soft seat.
Ever seen two guys look like they can handle themselves more than us two? Yeah.
Check these bad boys out.
Be careful, Noel.
Don't want to hurt yourself.
You must have met Kiss.
Have you met Kiss, Nicole? - Yes, I've met Gene.
- You've met Gene? - A few times.
- What did he say to you? - I don't remember.
- Was it something sexual? - Yeah.
- Did you see his tongue? - Something gross.
- What did he say to you? - Some crazy stuff.
And he had the full make-up and full tongue, and stuff.
What did he say? I don't remember, but it freaked me out.
You're getting excited, aren't you? - No! - "What did he say?" I often, for comfort, have my hands down my pants and move them about.
Are you not turned on by a man in Tipp-Ex, - waving his tongue at you? - Hmmm - Not so much, no.
- All right.
Shall we get rid of that Tipp-Ex? Yeah, get Let's push you for a definitive answer.
ALL: Cow's tongue.
Surgically attached to his.
A cow's tongue surgically attached to his own is exactly the rumour we were looking for! Absolutely right.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Takin' it up! Takin' it up! We're in the game.
The rumour is Gene Simmons had a cow's tongue surgically attached What? We're paying attention, sorry.
No, you are not.
No wonder you don't remember what Gene Simmons said, you probably weren't listening.
That's right.
We were actually talking about Japan.
- What were you saying about Japan? - I forgot.
Oh, you forget everything! You always forget everything! Gene Simmons says he has never touched alcohol or drugs.
He has slept with over 4,000 women and never showers, so I don't know if he's got a cow's tongue but he must have a dick like a wasp's nest.
OK, Noel's team, your rumour concerns these chaps.
# Because, baby You're gonna be the one that saves me It's mad-for-it Mancunian mono-brists Oasis.
You're my wonderwall What rumour connects Liam Gallagher to these objects - some dandruff shampoo, a nose, and an access-all-areas pass? Backstage has he balanced anti-dandruff shampoo on his nose? - Like a little dog? - Hm.
I've never seen a little dog balancing any kind of shampoo - - anti-dandruff, medicated, nothing.
Ever.
- Have you seen a cow with cocks for udders? Because you believed that earlier.
We shouldn't even be talking to you - backstage you stole The Magic Numbers' rider.
- Yes.
- What was it? - Magic Numbers' rider is predominantly those Milky Way stars.
- They really like them.
- Is it? - Yes.
I got a whole armful of 'em, and I ran away .
.
found my friend Joel and said, "Let's eat these.
" He was eating them and halfway through I told him they were nicked off The Magic Numbers - he felt real guilty.
Nicole, what do you have on your rider? I would have, like, fresh ginger slices and Fresh ginger slices! Stuff like that.
LAUGHTER Soreally, really hate Geri Halliwell.
LAUGHTER I've never seen a fresh ginger slice.
What's it like, Nicole? It's just a ginger root, and it's just sliced.
It's just a ginger root sliced.
- You make it sound so simple.
- Yeah.
That's all it is.
LAUGHTER I don't know how you've gone through life and never seen a slice of ginger.
You've seen ginger, Rhod.
Don't play this "I'm from Wales, I don't know anything.
" I didn't say anything about being from Wales, you fucking racist! MIMICS RHOD: I've never seen ginger, I've never seen ginger! LAUGHTER You can get it anywhere! - Can you? - Any shop.
Halfords? LAUGHTER Last time I bought ginger there was a root that looked a bit like a hand, so for most of the shopping trip I spent putting itas my hand.
- Ginger hand? - I can believe that.
And then when I paid for it, and I was packing it up, and when I went to get my change off of the lady, I went like that.
Oh, God.
And she slowly put the money in and it fell through.
And we both shared a little ginger hand moment.
I went home and I did NOT touch myself with it.
I'll ask you this once, Noel - did you touch yourself with it? I had a ginger wank.
What about this question? Snort some dandruff? Snorted dandruff.
Shakes Someone snorted dandruff off of him.
Ooh! - NICOLE GASPS - What did it look like, the dandruff? What do you think they mistook it for? Don't be coy.
- Cheap whizz.
- Cheap whizz.
- Cheap whizz? Cheap whizz.
I'll give you that.
That's absolutely right.
A fan mistook hisyeah.
That's gross! That is absolutely right.
Rumour has it that an avid Oasis fan once mistook Liam Gallagher's dandruff for cocaine.
The fan approached him backstage and sniffed him directly from his head.
And, presumably, shoulders.
Liam Gallagher once claimed he'd like to hang Robbie Williams on stage.
Imagine how terrible that would be.
Robbie Williams, executed at a Beady Eye gig, like a public hanging - without the public.
- Oh, yes, we're going for a bonus point.
- Oh.
- I deep-beavered away and - NOEL: What? - I deep-beavered.
- What is that? - It's when you rummage, thoroughly.
- Tell you what - if I Google that, it's not going to say "rummage".
Deep-beavering is a British expression that means "to search thoroughly", to look thoroughly for something.
It really isn't.
- Isn't it, Kerry? - Never heard it in my life.
- You've never heard it? - Deep-beavering? - Yes, deep-beaver.
Ferreting - not beavering.
I will change it to keep the panel happy.
I deep-beavered away at a dead ferret and discovered one of these rumours That's wrong, that's not right.
When this goes out, I'd like my face pixelated, please.
Now, I deep-beavered away and discovered one of these rumours has actually been verified.
For a bonus point, which one is it? Is Simmons the bastard son of Ermintrude or did Gallagher's dandruff get up a fan's nose? Both teams, bonus point.
Gallagher's dandruff.
- You're saying Gallagher's dandruff? - Yes.
- OK.
- You're going? - Gallagher.
- Gallagher's dandruff.
You're both absolutely right - it was an Oasis fan.
An Oasis fan once snorted Liam Gallagher's dandruff.
The eager fan clocked Gallagher backstage, mistook his dandruff for cocaine and popped it up his nose.
To be fair, the fan was completely shitfaced.
At least, he was when he tried to smoke Liam's crack.
LAUGHTER, GROANING AND APPLAUSE Lots of rumours about all of you on the internet.
You trashed a Travelodge, apparently, James.
I did, actually.
I was a young man and I was with an older boy I wanted to impress.
- Oh, God.
- And he said "Let's trash this Travelodge room.
" And he started really going to town and my main contribution was I got those little milks and opened them all and just, kind of, left them open on the side.
That's not trashing a room - that's inconveniencing a cleaner.
I was there, Kerry, and I did nothing to stop it.
Time now for the Intros Round.
For Phill and Har Mar, here are yours for Kerry.
- Take it away, please.
- PHILL CLEARS HIS THROAT.
Ts-ts, ts-ts, ts-ts-ts-ts-ts, ts-ts, ts-ts, ts-ts, ts-ts-ts-ts-ts - ts-ts, ts-ts, ts-ts-ts-ts-ts - You got the bass line on this? Boom-ba-doom Chang! Dum-da-dum HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS - Dum-da-dum - Chang! Walking On The Moon.
- Oh! - Bish-bash-bosh - Kerry Godliman! Walking On The Moon, absolutely right.
Of course, here's how it should have sounded.
INTRO TO "WALKING ON THE MOON" PLAYS - Nice "chang.
" - The changs.
IN A NEWCASTLE ACCENT: # Giant steps are what you take Walking on the moon Let's have your next one.
Oh, yeah! Har Mar, if you can go over and you can play Rhod's balls.
- Oh, yeah, OK.
- Oh, knock yourself out on them.
- Right.
- Want to play the old ball bongos, do you? I'll just set them up BONGOS SOUND EFFEC PHILL CLAPS IN TIME TO BEA Bow! Bow! - Hey! - Bow.
- Hey! - Ba-ba-ba.
RHOD LAUGHS Da-da, da-da, dow Oh! Is it? Da-da, da-da, dow.
Apache, Apache! - It is Apache! - Oh! It is Apache by The Sugar Hill Gang.
This is what it should have sounded like.
INTRO TO "APACHE" PLAYS There it is, it's "ho!" Yay! Now I will never hear that without thinking of your testicles.
Thank you.
Tonto, jump on it, jump on it I've got a little request - in the future, when a man is playing your testicles like a bongo, can you not make eye contact with me for so long? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We heard The Police with Walking On The Moon.
The historic site of Sting's childhood home in Wallsend is now a Chinese takeaway called "Happy Chef".
What a travesty.
They should have called it "WOKS-Anne.
" APPLAUSE Hey, James, I heard about you that whenever you hear George Harrison's Got My Mind Set On You that you have to dance.
- That's not true.
- Definitely not true, is it? It is not true # I've got my mind set on you # I've got my mind set on you # I've got my mind set on you # I've got my mind set on you # But it's gonna take money # A whole lot of spending money It's gonna take Please, never do that again.
# I've got my mind set on you I've got my mind set on you No! I can't work with this Ball Bongo Man.
PHILL LAUGHS Anybody got any idea where we are in the show? I've completely lost track.
Oh, you were on next - oh.
I can't believe you used my face as a visual reminder.
You went "Oh, yeah, I know where I am.
" I often use your face to navigate through the show.
I've got pictures of you on my fridge.
Sometimes I look at you and go, "Oh, it's bins day.
" - Noel's team, these are yours.
- Perfect.
Nicole and Noel for James.
Just remember, I've got a ginger claw that I can bring out at any moment.
THEY IMPERSONATE SNARE DRUMS Wah-wah-wow, wah-wah-wow.
Wah-wah-wah-wow.
Wah-wah-wow.
Wah-wow.
Wah-wah-wah-wow.
Noel? Yes.
You have risen above and beyond everything we've asked of you on this show.
You've done your family proud.
You've made me proud.
Nicole This is hard.
I feel like we haven't seen LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE .
.
the real Nicole yet.
- Mm-hm.
- I think you've got more.
- I'm handing it over, James.
- You gave them clues.
- You've had more than enough time.
- A clue for James.
This one's too easy to give you a clue.
- You knew it, did you? - Yes.
- Oh, do you know it? Have a point.
This is anarchy! He hasn't put a foot wrong all night - look at his little face.
I'm the first to admit it's confusing.
But they said they knew it and I panicked.
Let's be crystal clear, Rhod - all they had to do there to get the point - was tell you that they knew it, right? - Yeah.
On with the round.
Imagine Jack and Jill saw somebody interfering with their pail of water - what would they do? Is it Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush? It is, it is, it is! Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush.
This is what it should have sounded like.
INTRO TO "RUNNING UP THAT HILL" PLAYS - Quite good.
- That was really good.
You were amazing.
- I was like, "We're Schi-winning!" - Schi-winning this.
It didn't hurt me It's not bad, but it's no George Harrison.
# I've got my mind set on you # I've got my mind set on you # I've got my mind set on you I've got my mind set on you Rhod, was that I've Got My Mind Set On You by George Harrison? It certainly was - one point.
Nicole and Noel, can we have your next one for James, please? We've been bullied and we don't like it.
You're not being bulled, you're just being up the jacksie.
- Deep-beavered.
- Deep-beavered up the jacksie.
OK Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
- Doo-doo-doo-doo - HE IMPERSONATES DRUMBEA Doo-doo No? - Ah! Rhod, Rhod? - Have you got it? - I know it.
- What is it? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, as we all know, in the all-new Buzzcocks, that gets you a point.
It was your very own song - look yourself in the eye.
It was The Wow Scenario, your very own band - Horses Are Always Brave.
- I can't believe this.
- By The Wow Scenario.
That song, Horses Are Always Brave, involved me doing a cow bell solo for so long that in Northampton Working Men's Club, someone threw a shoe at the guitarist.
Not me for doing the solo - the guitarist.
That's proper hate - that's, like, "I hate you so much, "I'm going to hurt the ones you love.
" This is what it should have sounded like.
INTRO TO "HORSES ARE ALWAYS BRAVE" PLAYS That's me.
That's me.
I'm amazed.
You played that in a working men's club? That was The Wow Scenario with Horses Are Always Brave.
We also heard Kate Bush with Running Up That Hill.
Gary Barlow said that in the mid '90s, Kate's song Don't Give Up helped him through a difficult time.
But you know what? He powered on and finished Eddie's Gut-Buster Breakfast, got it for free and got his photo on the wall.
At the end of that round, the scores areNoel's team have three and Phill's team have a whopping four.
Phill, Kerry and Har Mar, it's the Identity Parade for you.
For the audience only, here are Blazin' Squad performing Crossroads.
# And we pray and we pray and we pray and we pray # Every day, every day, every day, every day # And we pray and we pray and we pray and we pray - # Still we lay, still we lay - See you at the crossroads - # So you won't be lonely - See you at the crossroads - # So you won't be lonely - Crossroads, crossroads # That was Blazin' Squad with Crossroads.
But which of our line-up is band member Ollie Georgiou? Is it number one, Blazin' Squad? Is it number two, Firing Squad? Is it number three - Oh, My God? Is it number four, Battered Cod? Or is it number five, Haddock? What are we thinking? Phill's team.
I reckon it's the one with the trainers with the That rules a few of them out.
.
.
with the tongue of his trainer out, cos that says Now they all look like hard snowmen.
It's brilliant.
They're going to be melting, like, when the spring comes.
It's going to be wicked.
What do you think, Har Mar? Kerry's going two.
I like her theory with that, but I'm also with three, because he's the least obvious to me, for some reason.
- Three? Is he leaping out at you? - Yeah.
- OK.
- I like that.
- Two.
- Two? We'll go number two.
Let's find out.
Would the real Ollie Georgiou please step forward? Oh! Whoa, you gave it away.
Ollie, Ollie, Ollie - since leaving Blazin' Squad, you and a mate set up a management company, managing bands and acts.
That's it - yeah, Hopski Management.
He's got two acts - "a guy who's a house DJ "who's worked with the Sugababes and is touring quite a bit.
" What about the second one? "Oh, another guy from Croydon.
" Yeah, he's one to look out for, definitely.
- What's his name? - Georgie Keller.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ollie Georgiou - thanks so much.
Har Mar Superstar, you've kindly agreed to be part of the line-up for Noel's team.
So I would like you to go off and get ready, if you will.
Thank you very, very much.
While Har Mar gets ready APPLAUSE .
.
for the audience only, here's Har Mar Superstar performing Power Lunch.
# Black pants suit # Sexy pumps # Take me out to a power lunch # Your name is sex in my Rolodex I'm shaved so close you're tastin' wax That was Har Mar Superstar with Power Lunch, but which of our line-up is his infamous belly? Is it number one, Har Mar? Is it number two, Family Car? Is it number three, Won't Get Far? Is it number four, Vandalised Outside Spar? Or number five, Alan Carr, Fatty Man? Is number one - I've never seen a belly like that.
He's one of the big boys.
It is the only belly I've ever seen that could pass as an ass.
That is someone's belly - he can hear you.
I happen to know Get a bit closer.
I happen to know he hasn't got tattoos.
Go and have a look, James, by all means.
- It's got a gun.
- Go and have a quick look.
- Tattoo - BANG! Dude, I'm near a belly, don't do that stuff.
Stop moving your belly towards me.
That one's cheeky.
James, why don't you just stick your head through? I'll hold your legs.
I've fallen for that trick before.
"Oh, just put your head through the belly window" It's like a Weight Watchers' glory hole, that.
You say you know him and he hasn't got tattoos.
- Oh, I've seen his belly many a time.
- Nicole, what are you thinking? Which one of those do you think is our man? I think Mr Superstar is number two.
Let's find out - would the real Har Mar please step forward? # I want to break free I want to break free Whoa, they got it - Har Mar Superstar.
What are you up to now, Har Mar? Well, you know, I'm just hanging out over here, and Thank you very much - Har Mar Superstar, ladies and gentlemen.
At the end of that round, Noel's team have four and Phill's team still a whopping five.
Five! OK.
I'm back.
Back in.
As Har Mar takes his seat, we end the show, as usual, with our quickfire round, Next Lines.
Each week, I give you a theme.
As a tribute to Har Mar Superstar's belly, this week, it's songs featuring body parts.
Phill's team, you're in the lead so you go first.
- Are you ready, Phill's team? - Yup.
- Go.
"I just died in your arms tonight" - "It must have been something youate"? - Said.
"Must have been something you ate"?! "Must have been something you ate" What's so wrong about that? Food poisoning is very common! "Something you SAID.
" I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight.
Cutting Crew.
"In your head, in your head" In your head - Zombie.
- Yeah, but what's the next line? - # Zombie, eh, eh # - Ooh, ooh! Yeah, Zombie by The Cranberries.
Oh, uh, name the track.
Name the track.
Oh, um - Baby's Got Back? Baby Foot? - Something Foot.
Broken Baby Foot? What's happ? Ooh! This foot's OK, but this one is Footloose.
Footloose is right.
END-OF-ROUND MUSIC Noel's team, you need four points to win and your time starts now.
"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble" My Lady Lumps.
- It's Shakira.
- It is Shakira # Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, small and humble - "Balls drag behind me.
" - No! "And they're not big like mountains"? Something about mountains.
"So you don't confuse them with mountains.
" "Before I leave, brush my teeth" - "Because I haven't done it for ages.
" - You should know this.
"Before I leave, I brush my teeth withJack Daniel's"? "With a bottle of Jack" - I'll give you it.
Tik Tok by Keha.
Name the track, name the track.
Banana Peel? Banana In My Eyes? - Banana Eye? - What? No! - Banana Eyes.
- I need this.
.
ooh - Shove A Banana In My Eye? - I need this.
Ooh, I really need this.
Food For The Eyes.
Hungry Eyes.
James said - and this is my favourite line of the series - Potassium Vision.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you, Noel.
END-OF-ROUND MUSIC So at the end of the show, Noel's team have six, but Phill's team are tonight's winners with a whopping seven! That's it - thanks to Phill, Har Mar and Kerry, Noel, Nicole and James.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I've been Rhod Gilbert.
We're all off for a quick lick of Liam Gallagher's nit comb.
Good night.