Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e05 Episode Script

Paul Foot, Sara Cox, Adam Ant and Fuse ODG

1 This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the all new and ever so subtly different Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
On Phill's team tonight # I'm the dandy highwayman who you're too scared to mention I spend my cash on looking flash A legend who inspired the '80s New Romantic movement.
So we've got him to thank for Duran Duran and Boy George and for the time I got the shit kicked out of me for wearing eyeliner to a barn dance.
It's Adam Ant.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a broadcaster who currently presents Sounds Of The '80s on Radio 2.
Luckily there's music too, not just Margaret Thatcher and warnings about AIDS.
It's Sara Cox.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on Noel's team.
Not even the walls of Jericho can stop her touching her baby o As a kid he wanted to be a footballer, but later realised it was a shallow soulless existence of money, fast cars, sex on tap and bling.
So he settled down to the monastic life of a rapper.
It's Fuse ODG.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm all about that bass And one of my all-time favourite comedians, a man so eccentric he makes Noel Fielding look like Bill Turnbull, it's Paul Foot! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Adam, Adam, Adam, I'm very excited to have you on the show.
- Thank you.
- And you were on the first series of Buzzcocks.
- I was, yes.
- Just 27 series' later they've got you back.
- Just getting over it actually.
It was pretty scary.
I was wearing a gold Westwood suit, I'd cropped my hair and dyed it platinum and I wore some glasses and everybody thought I was an egg.
LAUGHTER How can you remember what you wore? - That's 18 years ago.
- It's important.
Talking of previous appearances, Paul, you've I hesitate to use the words disgraced yourself, but we found out today, we did a little bit of research, and in all your appearances on the show over the years you're one of the lowest scoring contestants of all time.
- I don't know anything about pop music.
- Absolutely nothing? Well, I've heard of certain things like Duran.
LAUGHTER Fuse, it's been a big year for you, hasn't it? It's been an amazing year, yes.
- Top ten singles galore.
- Crazy.
I had a song called Azonto.
Azonto is a dance that's major in Africa.
Paul, you should try it.
There is nothing I would like more on this planet than to see Paul Foot dancing to Azonto.
- Yes, the traditional Ghanaian dance.
- The traditional Ghanaian - You know the traditional Ghanaian dance? - Yeah.
- Wow.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Will you still be able to see your autocue for your humour? LAUGHTER Do you need the music? Is it better with or without the music, Fuse? MUSIC: Azonto by Fuse ODG AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Foot's Azonto.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Paul, you'll actually get stoned in Ghana for doing that.
LAUGHTER - Sorry.
- Can you teach me the more traditional method? - Yes.
LAUGHTER - It'll save your life.
Are you ready? Are you ready? - Oh, yeah.
This is like the weirdest episode of Strictly Come Dancing ever.
- So it's all in the feet.
- All in the feet.
- Yes.
You got to twist your foot like that.
That's it.
What you're going to do - Make a fist.
- Make a fist? - Yes.
LAUGHTER That's good.
That's good.
Not that kind of fist.
Bring it here.
And into the sky.
That's it.
There you go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: Azonto by Fuse ODG Ladies and gentlemen, wonderful cultural exchange of ideas there.
Paul Foot and Fuse, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And if you turn over to BBC News 24 now, we are at war with Ghana.
LAUGHTER So, like Kim Kardashian trying to get through a cat flap, let's get stuck in.
This round is all about the damage and destruction musicians have caused in hotel rooms.
Yes it's time for Boom, Wreck, Wreck, Wreck, The Room.
# Boom - # Wreck, wreck, wreck - The room # Boom - # Wreck, wreck, wreck - The room.
# LAUGHTER You'll be presented with a trio of musicians.
I'll then give you three props.
They are clues related to the damage the artists caused in hotels.
Your job is to match the prop to the musician.
Phill, Adam and Sara, your question concerns this tantalising trio of "Hote-hellraisers.
" Marilyn Manson, Amy Winehouse and Aerosmith.
Now, I just need to unpack your clues from my bag of clues.
OK.
A pair of pink sexy handcuffs.
What else is in here? A chainsaw.
I'll give you that, Adam.
What else? Right.
Yes.
Spaghetti bolognese.
Spaghetti bolognese, a chainsaw and a pair of sexy pink handcuffs.
- Aerosmith for the chainsaw - Talk me through your thinking, Adam.
- What are you thinking? - I think they're proper rock.
We stayed in some of the hotels they'd stayed in.
And Were any of the legs shorter on the beds? I did hear a story about them.
They went to the toilet on a plane and stuck it above the - You know the tiles? - Yeah.
They stuck it inside a tile and left it there for a few months.
- What? - The crap.
They crapped in Just put it in the thing.
That is horrible, isn't it? What do you expect? You want a story.
LAUGHTER Ever since Right Said Fred were on the show I no longer have Toblerones from the minibar.
What did they used to do with the Toblerones? They would unwrap them, insert them, remove them, rewrap them, put them back in the fridge.
AUDIENCE GROANS I mean, a Toblerone?! Dig-a-dig-a-dig-a-dig-a-dig-a! LAUGHTER They're ridged for your pleasure.
Toblerones.
It depends as well on the hotel because some hotels you just get shortbread, don't you, if you're lucky? Yes, some hotels it's difficult to find anything to shove up yourself.
Yes.
So you're thinking? - We're going Amy, food fight with the spag bol - Amy, food fight with the spag bol? - I think handcuffs, Manson, chainsaw, Aerosmith.
- Yes.
That's absolutely right.
It was Amy and the spaghetti bolognese, Aerosmith and the chainsaw, and Marilyn Manson and the sex toys.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Quite right.
In 2013 Marilyn Manson trashed a hotel, leaving pizza on the ceiling, sex toys and lingerie everywhere.
Aerosmith brought a chainsaw on tour, and used it to cut up hotel furniture.
And Amy Whitehouse trashed a hotel room with a plate of spaghetti bolognese before the MTV Europe awards.
Apparently the staff spent ages working out how to get the pasta off the roof, and then the PENNE dropped.
LAUGHTER Noel's team, over to you.
Your question concerns this crew of motley hospitalities.
Britney Spears, Billy Idol and Keith Moon.
And here are the items that were at the scene of the crime.
- First up, some crayons.
- Crayons? Yes, some crayons.
And then we've got Blimey, a birthday cake.
And then A blowpipe and some darts.
Which I will - TAPPING - We're trying to record - a show here, mate.
Will you keep it quiet up in the bloody gallery? - HE BLOWS - Ugh! LAUGHTER A blowpipe and some darts.
Noel, can you finish him off? - He's still twitching.
- How would you like me to do that? - Put the cake on him.
- Put the cake on him.
That old chestnut.
The old murderers' favourite, put the cake on him.
- Cake him! - Cake him, Paul, just in case.
I think it's really unfair that you guys leave the African with this weapon.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'm going to take these candles out so as not to hurt you.
LAUGHTER You'll be all right.
You've had a fall, but you're OK.
But you've been injured, so we've got to put you out of your misery.
- Paul, Paul, be careful - I actually like cake.
- This bit is all right.
LAUGHTER It's fine.
If you just put that in his hand, it looks like death by chocolate.
There's your cake.
Now don't come back.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So you've got to match the prop to the artist.
- You know Billy Idol a little bit, do you? - A bit, yes.
- A little bit.
We were both seeing the same young lady at the time.
Adam, who was the lady.
Was it Toyah? No.
Definitely not Toyah.
- Moira Stewart? - No.
- Angela Lansbury? - No.
- Mary Berry? - No.
- Felicity Kendal? - No.
- Jeffrey Archer? - No.
- Geoffrey from Rainbow? No.
- Sir Edward Heath? - No.
I'm just enjoying the fact that you are denying things like Sir Edward Heath.
"No.
" LAUGHTER I love the fact that you're dignifying it with an answer.
"Bungle?" "No.
" Are you saying you don't fancy Bungle? ADOPTS ACCENT: No, I don't.
LAUGHTER You sounded a bit like Zippy there.
ADOPTS ACCENT: No, no, I like Zippy.
He's the only one I can do.
ADOPTS ACCENT: I can do George.
We could be a double act.
Zippy, please.
I used to watch this show so much.
I'm enjoying the show, I'm forgetting to be part of the show.
I was about to change the channel.
I can't actually remember what it was we were trying to guess.
I think Britney Spears and the chocolate.
It's a birthday cake, not chocolate.
It's a birthday cake.
Oh, right, Pedantic Peter.
A wedding cake.
Was it a wedding cake? I've told you several times now.
It was a pissing birthday cake.
You called me a pedant earlier on, but you should have just bloody listened.
When I say it was a birthday cake You look like some weird farm vet who's turned up to take over the show.
Are you going to put your hand up my arse? Get a Toblerone out? You look like somebody's emptied out the filter of my Hoover.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'll give you a clue.
You're wrong in every sense.
- That's not a clue, is it? - It is a clue.
- That's like a clue my maths teacher would give me.
- Try again.
We haven't said Keith Moon with the crayons yet so that must be the correct answer because we've not said it yet.
- We've not mentioned him with - Cake.
So it's him with cake and Britney Spears with the blowpipe is the correct answer.
You are still wrong in every sense.
I'm going to give you a point because it's almost impressive that you can continue to be this wrong.
It was Britney with the crayons, Billy Idol with the tranquiliser dart and finally Keith Moon and the birthday cake.
In 2009 Britney's sons Sean Preston and Jayden James allegedly ruined a hotel room, destroying the curtains, drawing on the walls with crayons and, yes, I'm afraid, poopy-pooing in the pool.
Britney insisted the kids had been supervised by two responsible adults, but prosecutors said the voices in her head didn't count.
Moon started a food fight in his hotel room after throwing a five-tier cake at some guests.
In 1989, Billy Idol had to be tranquillised and forcibly removed from a Thai hotel after a three-week sex and drugs binge, damages totalling 250,000.
That sounds like an incredible amount of money, but she really did fire those ping-pong balls with some force.
LAUGHTER - I wanted to see - What are you doing joining my team of sex aids? I wanted to see, for the ultimate visual ever, - to get my head come out of that bag.
- Oh yes.
That would be really cool.
Let's get your head to come out of that bag.
- This is going to be tricky.
- Let's see what else I've got in my In my bag.
Oh! Ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hey-ho, round two.
Whole show like this.
- Round two is the intros round.
Noel? - You're not wrong, Rhod.
Here are yours.
Here are yours and Phill's for Paul.
It's not even funny.
I'm actually stuck.
OK, let's hear your first one please.
# Doog-a-doog-a-doog-a-doog-a # Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo This is terrible.
That's all right.
Doo-doo-doo.
OK, Paul, what are you thinking? I've got it.
I might be wrong.
- Let's see.
- It sounds a bit like one that goes # I should be so lucky I should be so lucky in love.
- Kylie Minogue, I Should Be So Lucky, is that what you are saying? - Yes.
- Wrong.
- Oh.
It's Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now.
And it should have sounded like this.
MUSIC: Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship I have tried to help you.
Let's allow Noel to come out.
This is like when your mum goes, "What on earth is that in your school bag?" Wow, it's a whole universe down there.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Fuse and Noel, for Paul.
- Would you like us to stand? - Yes, please.
# Boom-chh, boom-chh # Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-ba-bam Boom-chh, boom-chh Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-ba-bam Don't pretend you're dancing to it.
# Boom-chh, boom-chh Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-ba-bam Mmmm.
LAUGHTER Paul, come on.
Look, I mean, it's literally like a dog watching a play.
- It was like a build-up, wasn't it, to a? - Yes, an intro, Paul, yes.
Paul? You've Made My Owl Sanctuary Go Bankrupt by Flake.
I can't give it to you, Paul.
I can't.
I can throw it across.
- Stevie Wonder.
- Yes.
- It is Stevie Wonder, Superstition.
Of course it is.
This is what it sounds like, Paul.
MUSIC: Superstition by Stevie Wonder - Paul, please, really.
You honestly don't know this one? - No.
- You've never heard that riff? - Never heard it.
- Not? No.
Paul.
Very superstitious Here we are.
Sara and Phill, here are yours for Adam.
Are you a fan of all these things that you influenced? You know I said at the top you influenced Duran Duran? I get called a New Romantic and I was never a New Romantic.
Whose idea was the white line? Was that yours? The Native American Indians, the Apache.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - First album, Beatles? - A bit.
Well, the first album with my own money was My mum worked for Paul McCartney.
She was his daily.
And he was very nice to my mum and he gave me a white label demo of Revolver, the album, and my mum lost it, I think.
But he also signed his autograph, "To Stuart, best wishes, "Paul McCartney, (The Beatles)".
LAUGHTER - He was very sweet to her.
Nice guy.
- That's amazing.
- Very nice guy.
Let's have your first one, please.
What are we doing? Right.
Ready? - # Doom doom doom doom - Chicka-chicka-chicka-tsss - # Doom doom doom doom - Chicka-chicka-chicka-tsss # Wah-wah-wah # Wah-wah-wah # Wah-wah-wah Wah-wah-wah.
Well, he's happy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That, may I say, Phill, was note perfect.
- I think you're in with a very good chance.
Adam? - Oasis.
LAUGHTER I'm handing it across.
Is it Run To The Hills? It is Run To The Hills, Iron Maiden.
Absolutely.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is what it should have sounded like.
MUSIC: Run To The Hills by Iron Maiden # Wah-wah-wah Wah-wah-wah Wah-wah-wah.
- Let's have your next one.
- All right.
Ready? STAMP BOTH: # Ah-hah Ay-hah # Ah-hah Ay-hah # Ah-hah Ay-hah # Ay-hah # Oy # Ah-hah Ay-hah # Oy - # Ah-hah - Ay.
# I am aroused.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Prince Charming.
- Prince Charming by our very own Adam Ant.
And this is what it does sound like.
I mean, that was good enough.
MUSIC: Prince Charming by Adam And The Ants Don't you ever Don't you ever So that was Adam Ant with Prince Charming.
In 2010 Adam Ant claimed on stage he rejected a £2.
6 million O2 deal, which seems like a lot of money but did include unlimited texts and free weekend calls.
Is that true? It was kind of going and doing the one big show and that was it.
So I said no.
What an idiot.
I should have done it.
LAUGHTER And at the end of that round Noel's team have one, Phill's team have three.
One.
One Round three is the identity parade.
Phill, Sara and Adam, here's yours.
For the audience only, here is Owen Paul with My Favourite Waste Of Time.
# Cos you're mine # Baby, you're my favourite waste of time # Mine Baby, you're my favourite waste of time.
That was Owen Paul with My Favourite Waste Of Time.
But which of our line-up is he? Is it number one - Owen Paul? Is it number two - handsome but not quite as tall? Is it number three - the man who's got it all? Is it number four - howdy y'all.
Or is it number five - Hitler's ball? LAUGHTER Or is it number six - nasty fall? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Phill's team.
- Number three.
- You think number three? Any reason why you think number three? Was this guy a singer, a singer, right? Right, I've started to doubt your opinion now.
Adam there has gone with his gut instinct.
That's fabulous.
Of course the hole card that we have is that she interviewed him two weeks ago.
So you know which one it is? He's my favourite waste of time and it's number three.
Let's find out.
Would the real Owen Paul please reveal yourself? Whoa! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Owen, I read somewhere that you got back into music because of one of your Well, that song.
- .
.
did feature on Watchdog on TV or something? - It did, yes.
- What was that? A couple of years ago, what's his name, Matt Allwright, the presenter, had this brainwave that they were doing the Rogue Traders, somebody kept on saying, "You are f wasting my f time, you're f" and he thought, "Let's get Owen Paul to come and sing "when we bust the company.
" After that I started getting bookings for '80s festivals, all that stuff.
I hadn't done it for 25 years.
Now I've got an album out called About Time II.
- And you owe it all to Watchdog.
- To Watchdog.
LAUGHTER That's amazing.
Owen Paul, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, Noel's team, this one's for you.
For the audience only, here are 3 Of A Kind performing Baby Cakes.
# Baby cakes, you just don't know know # How I, I, I like it down low # And I just want you to know That I think our love will grow # Gonna take it step by step Because I'm not something you own That was 3 Of A Kind with Baby Cakes.
Which of our line-up is Nicky Gallante? Is it number one - Baby Cakes? Is it number two - fairy cakes? Is number three - urinal cakes? Is it number four - technical bakes? Or is it number five - Mary Berry's carrot cake with mascarpone topping? Or is it number six, birthday cake? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Noel's team, what are you thinking? - It's definitely not number five.
How do you know it's definitely not number five? He doesn't look like an artist.
- What if I tell you Nicky is a party planner now.
- Party planner? If I give you some party things why don't you see if you can sniff out? Go on, Fred Bassett, go about your foul business.
- He's a party planner.
- He's a party planner now.
- So I will go over Sniff him out, Paul, sniff out our party planner.
- Right, put my party - Other way.
- Just trying to BANG LAUGHTER I popped a balloon there just to see how they reacted because a party planner would, like, they'd be used to a balloon popping.
That would be all part of their planning, wouldn't it? They'd sort of think, "I've got a party next week.
A balloon popped, that will "just be one of the balloons for the party.
" Take it in their stride.
So we're looking for somebody that didn't react? Yes, we're looking for someone who didn't react.
The flaw in the plan was that you were behind them and couldn't see anything.
Yes, I was behind so I couldn't see.
I was relying on you to check them.
I know, but you didn't explain what you were doing.
So I'll stand with him and I'll see does it feel like a party.
Or, because he is a party planner, is there a sense of the anticipation of a party to come? LAUGHTER It doesn't feel like a party.
Now the second one.
- You getting a party vibe, Paul? - There's quite a sexual vibe.
But I don't think it's helping much.
I'm a drunk uncle at a party.
Let's see how they react.
Professional party planner would cope with it.
"Urgh! My wife left me.
"Here, mate.
Women, they've always let me down.
"I've had it with women.
"I've slept I've" LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, Paul, you've had a lot of chances.
We've allowed you a lot of different techniques.
Come back to your seat and let's hear from your team.
All of you together, pool your knowledge.
Fuse, Noel LAUGHTER BANG LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Let's find out.
Paul, Noel and Fuse.
- Four.
- Four you're saying.
Let's find out.
Would the real Nicky Gallante please reveal yourself? Oh! There he is, ladies and gentlemen.
I said you were a party planner, but that's You're gigging as well.
Yes, we actually own our own company, party planning, and we are gigging throughout the UK and we've got a new single, it comes out in February, so everyone look out for that.
Ladies and gentlemen, Nicholas Gallante.
.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So we end the show as usual with our quickfire round, Next Lines.
Phill's team are in the lead so you go first.
And your time starts now.
"Like hanky panky, (hanky panky).
" "I wanted a spanky.
" No.
"Nothing like a good spanky, (good spanky).
" Hanky Panky, Madonna.
"Time goes by.
" "So slowly.
" Absolutely right.
Hung Up, Madonna.
This one.
This is a Madonna track.
LAUGHTER Come on, Adam.
Who have we got here? - Ray Of Light.
- Yes.
TIME UP JINGLE - Right, Noel's team - We are so ready, Rhod.
- Your time starts now.
"Like a virgin.
" "Touched for the very first time.
" Like A Virgin, Madonna.
Oh! - Record.
Standing On A Record.
- I can't I just can't - My feet are too big.
I can't seem to - Exploding Feet On Record.
No, not exploding feet.
Into The Groove, Madonna.
"You waste your time.
" Trying to guess into the groove while a Welshman dances on the desk.
"You waste your time with hate and regret.
You're broken.
" I know, but you know, Paul is on my team.
LAUGHTER "When your heart's not open.
" Frozen by Madonna.
TIME UP JINGLE - Terrible, that was terrible.
- Didn't know that one.
I didn't know it.
At the end of the show, Noel's team have three, a whopping three, but tonight's CHEERING AND APPLAUSE No, no, no, Phill's team have six, ladies and gentlemen.
They are the winners.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What a proper victory.
That is it, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks to Phill, Adam and Sara, Noel, Fuse and Paul.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I've been Rhod Gilbert.
I'm off to throw a mini kettle into my hotel swimming pool after safely removing it from the mains of course.
Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cake and crayons, that's a three-year-old's party gone wrong.