Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e06 Episode Script

Lisa Stansfield, Ana Matronic, Aisling Bea and Joe Lycett

1 APPLAUSE Hello.
Hello and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
I'm Rhod Gilbert.
Wales' answer to the question, "Oi, Wales, who's that bloke? Not Rob Brydon, other one?" Let's meet the guests.
On Phill's team tonight # There goes my heart There goes my heart, yeah.
A Rochdale singer from Rochdale who says she loves Rochdale, and would never leave Rochdale.
It's Dublin-based superstar Lisa Stansfield.
APPLAUSE MUSIC: Shake It Off - Taylor Swift And a stand-up and actress who's the most exciting thing to come out of Ireland since Rory McIlroy's yoghurt-lid collection.
It's Aisling Bea! And on Noel's team MUSIC: Don't Feel Like Dancin' - Scissor Sisters A singer who used to vomit up mushroom soup on stage.
I know what you're thinking, she sounds like a fun guybut get this, she's a girl.
It's Ana Matronic! APPLAUSE And a Birmingham stand up comic with a tongue so sharp every time he tries to seal an envelope he accidentally opens it again.
It's Joe Lycett.
APPLAUSE I heard you, Ana Matronic, during my little intro complaining about the mushroom soup.
If you have to throw up on stage mushroom soup is the way to go.
Don't do clam chowder cos you'll just fuck up everyone else around you.
Let me right this down.
"Clam chowder, no.
" Joe Lycett is here, ladies and gentlemen.
Joe Lycett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You came 57th in Attitude's Sexiest Man In The World.
I'm the 57th hottest man in the world, fact.
Just three places ahead of - Brad Pitt.
- I'm hotter than Brad Pitt.
- We got a picture, here he is.
- That's me behind him there.
Let's have a look at you.
There you are.
Benedict Cumberbatch was at 69, LOL.
LAUGHTER - Who was number one? - Number one was Tom Daley, it's always Tom Daley.
- Tom Daley.
- Cos he's a bit It's jailbait, isn't it? And we start the show this week with the Identity Parade.
What! Gilbert! You're mad with power.
Phill, Aisling and Lisa, here's yours.
For the audience only, here are Another Level performing Freak Me.
# Let me do all the things # You want me to do # Cos tonight, baby I wanna get freaky with you.
That was Another Level with Freak Me.
But which of our line-up is Dane Bowers? Is it Number One Freak Me? Number Two, Bend Me? Number Three, Shake Me? Number Four, Any Way You Want Me? Number Five, as long as you washed your hands first it's all right? Obviously we haven't given you enough.
So, in a Buzzcocks first, we're going to hear the ID parade sing.
Can you spot Dane's famous vocals? Is it Number One Number? I wanna get freaky with you.
Is it Number Two? I wanna get freaky with you.
Is it Number Three? I wanna get freaky with you.
Is it Number Four.
I wanna get freaky with you.
- Definitely Four.
- Number Five? I wanna get freaky with you.
Oh, it's one or five.
They look like the Village People and then their mad friend at the end.
We can get Number One to put his hands up like a Y.
Now, Number Two put it into an M.
Number Two, M.
Number Three like a C.
- Like an A.
- Number Two is the all-seeing eye of Sauron.
APPLAUSE Yay! Number Two has spectacular breasts.
Very wide apart nipples.
Or Number Four.
Looks like he's doing something on the loo.
- Lisa's spotted an omission.
- Get it, Lisa.
Lisa! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Number One, put those hands back up.
They are Dane Bowers' hands.
I would think one because he's singing quite well - but five is hitting the high notes which Dane is known for.
- So is three.
Three's too slim in the hip.
Not that, Dane, you're fat.
If you ask them nicely they might sing something else for you.
You're out of your mind.
Someone sing that.
The Victoria Beckham song, True Steppers.
Nobody knows Victoria Beckham, not even Victoria Beckham knows it.
- Number Five - Victoria Beckham, please.
I wanna get freaky with you.
Definitely Dane Bowers.
- Five.
- Number One, can you sing What an Atmosphere by Russ Abbot, please? I wanna get freaky with you.
Number Four? I wanna get freaky with you.
- Five.
- It's Five.
I think it's Four, but I'm going with the majority.
- You think it's Four, Lisa? - Yeah, I do.
I think he's disguising his voice.
- Oh! - You think there's a bluffer? - Yes.
- No, Five.
Would the real Dane Bowers please break through and step forward.
# I want to break free I want to break free.
Dane Bowers, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm having this.
That is you.
That is you.
Can I have the angel wings if he's getting the hat, can I wear the angel wings.
Can I have these? Look at this.
Dane, I wasn't calling you fat You were.
I was just saying - Joe, leave the trousers on him.
- I'm just going to take - You still touring? - Yeah, touring at the minute with Big Reunion.
DJing a lot.
Otherwise, just going on TV dressed like a bell-end.
LAUGHTER When do you stop calling yourself a boyband? That's the question.
It is a boyband tour but I suppose when fans come up to you and say, "My mum loves you.
" Borderline.
When they say, "My nan loves you.
" A lot of the nans are only about 40, so Still touring with a massive arena show with Big Reunion, Dane Bowers.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up.
APPLAUSE Noel's team, this one's for you.
For the audience only here are Freak Power performing Turn On, Tune In, Cop Out.
- Freak power.
- Freak power.
# You got to know who's driving your car # Cos you get to 6th gear # Put your foot on the floor # Next you're starring in a Cruise Too Far Gonna tell you about it now, mama That was Freak Power with Turn On, Tune In, Cop Out but which of out line-up is band member Ashley Slater? Is it Number One, Ashley Slater? Is it Number Two, Cat Slater? Is it Number Three, Jacket Potato? Number Four, Badger baiter.
Or Number Five, 28 Days Later? LAUGHTER They all look like they're doing a very bad audition for Big Bird.
I think it's Number Two.
I think I remember him.
I think Number Two looks like he's trying to keep a straight face and trying to keep it all together but he knows this is all about him.
- He's got some rock star effing shoes.
- Look at his shoes.
They look like they're on an acid trip Game of Thrones thing.
Four's got swagger.
He's got swagger.
I think Guy Ritchie needs to pay attention.
This guy should be in one of his next films.
Good look and I bet he can act.
And even if he can't he can still be in a Guy Ritchie movie.
Oh! - What are we thinking? - It's Number Two.
- Let's find out.
Would the real Ashley Slater please step forward.
APPLAUSE - So, Ashley, we last saw you on our screens on The X Factor.
- You did.
- With your wife.
- Yeah.
- Kitten and the Hip.
- Didn't get through.
- Not exactly.
But you had the last word because this is from your Twitter feed.
APPLAUSE - Still touring, doing stuff? - Got an album out.
It's great.
I'm on it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ashley Slater.
APPLAUSE Let's get on with the show.
In this round we'll be musical Peeping Toms, literally up a tree perving through the curtains at the stories behind some of the most famous band names, song titles and lyrics in music.
Yes, it's time for What's The Story? What's the Story.
Joe, do you like my voiceover work? I've been known to.
You do a good Peter Dickson.
IMPERSONATES PETER DICKSON: "It's time to face the music!" APPLAUSE Who's Peter Dickson? He's a voiceover man.
He sounds a bit like this.
IMPERSONATES PETER DICKSON: "Ah!" He's on The X Factor.
- Have you been on it? - No.
You should give it a go.
You're quite talented.
I think you'd do well, you know? I could see Louis Walsh really bringing the best out of you.
I loved the mushrooms on the floor.
I loved it.
You're like a young Tina Turner.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What impression can Lisa Stansfield do? Hurry.
Hello, my name is Jane Horrocks.
And I'm a professional Northerner.
That's the same as your own voice.
Joe doesn't like other people doing impressions.
IMPERSONATES PETER DICKSON: "Get off my turf.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Can you imagine if you were having sex with him and he's going IMPERSONATES PETER DICKSON: "Ah!" Yes, that would be the worst thing about having sex with him, his voice.
Aaw, poor Peter.
Quite right, that was awful.
I'd love to have sex with you, Peter Dickson.
I take it all back.
I would like nothing more Now the sound of Peter Dixon having sex with Rhod Gilbert.
IMPERSONATES PETER DICKSON: "I'm about to come, Rhod.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Noel's team, your question concerns this revolving lump of muscle nonsense.
MUSIC: Untitled - D'Angelo Ah! I'm going to need a minute.
LAUGHTER Allow me, Joe.
I'll get this one.
He looks quite greased up.
He looks like he's about to swim the Channel.
- Yes, I imagine that's what it is.
- Goose fat? - Yeah, probably.
That's how he got all his high notes.
There's a little man underneath yanking on his balls.
Ah! - I feel it.
- Look at that.
BONGOS PLAY - Looking down at you.
- I'm practically his own penis.
LAUGHTER It would be so good if you could throw up mushroom soup right now.
What did D'Angelo say was the inspiration behind the sexy video? Was it A Dolph Lundgren's physique in Rocky IV? His grandmothers cooking or a diamond ring he and R.
Kelly saw in a jeweller's shop window.
I think the thing about D'Angelo is the reason they've cut the video there is cos he's a merman.
A merman.
A merman.
I don't know if this will help but we're looking for the inspiration.
- We don't like any of those options.
- Mermaid.
- Merman! THEY CHANT: Merman! Merman! Merman! You're going D, Merman, you're going off-piste.
I can inform you that you are wrong.
- Ohhh.
Merman! Merman! - Merman! It is B, his grandmother's cooking.
- Really?! - Absolutely.
- No, but why? According to director Paul Hunter, most people think the Untitled video was about sex.
Instead, it was about D'Angelo's grandmother's cooking.
You know what they say, "If you can't stand the heat in your grandmother's kitchen, pop your "trousers and pants off, and stand behind her on a revolving plinth.
" D'Angelo once almost blew a record deal because his new shoes were so uncomfortable, he kept having to leave a meeting to go to the toilet to rub his feet.
Yeah, right.
I believe you, D'Angelo.
Only the other day, I bought a pair of Crocs that pinched so badly, I had to inject crystal meth straight into my plums.
Phill, Aisling and Lisa, your question concerns these lumbering treecakes.
# You ain't seen nothin' yet # B-b-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet # Here's something that you're never gonna forget B-b-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet That was Bachman-Turner Overdrive's 1974 classic You Ain't See Nothing Yet in which we hear lead singer Randy Bachman stumbling over his words in the chorus.
But why was b-b-baby stuttered? Was it because, A, Randy Bachman's demo version had a scratch on it but when he played it at home, he fell in love with the skipping on the chorus and so kept it that way? Was it B, the lead singer's brother had a speech impediment and they recorded it like that to take the piss out of him? Or was it C, it was written for his infant niece who could only say, "B-b-baby"? That baby niece was Alanis Morissette.
- Was Alanis Morissette really his niece? - Let's find out.
- Oh, OK.
How ironic.
Aisling, you were Tatler's like woman of the century or something I read.
I might have got that wrong.
Yeah, it's sort of hard when you pitch it up big like that, it was Irish Tatler's Entertainment Woman of the Year.
What's Irish Tatler? It's that but with 18 people involved.
You can play the flute with your nose, I read, as well.
They gave me one here.
The nose is like playing PLAYS 2 UNLIMITED'S "NO LIMIT" There's no limit APPLAUSE So, yeah.
"Techno, techno, techno, techno.
" I read, Lisa Stansfield, that you, millions of records, Platinum-selling, Gold-selling all around the world, superstar, but you would give it all up just to be able to break wind once.
LAUGHTER Is that a true quote? I'm not sure.
LAUGHTER Well, I have been known to break wind.
- You have been known to break wind? - Yeah.
In the past, not now.
Was that where your song came from? You're like, brrrup # I may not be a lady But I'm all woman.
APPLAUSE - Please fart for us tonight, Lisa.
- I'll do a silent one.
- LOUD FART SOUND EFFECT PLAYS - Oh, come on! That's not very fair.
- No, I've got a little machine under here that does it.
- LOUD FART SOUND EFFECT PLAYS You don't actually have a button, do you? Let's push you for an answer.
Is it A, the demo version had a scratch in it, B, cos his brother - C.
- C.
- .
.
or C for his infant niece? What would Jane Horrocks do? LISA IMPERSONATING JANE HORROCKS: I don't know.
I've got absolutely no idea.
- So, what are we going for? - C.
- You're going with? - We're going with Aisling.
Well, you're all wrong.
- No.
- Yes! It's B.
His brother, Gary, had a stutter and he was only - What a twat! - Isn't that awful? He was only doing it to take the piss out of his brother and it was Can you imagine Christmas round their house?! "F-f-fucking c-c-c Killed Christmas for me!" The song was never intended for release, it was just a work track to test the volume of their instruments.
Randy recorded the lyrics taking the piss out of his brother Gary who had a stutter.
Time now for the Intros round.
Phill and Lisa, here are yours for Aisling.
- Thank you very much.
- Title of the song.
Phill and Lisa, can we have your first one, please? PHILL BEATS HEARTBEAT-STYLE RHYTHM LISA HUMS MELODY AISLING JOINS IN - Massive Attack - Teardrops.
- Absolutely right.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's actually Teardrop but I'm going to give it to you.
- Cos I said Teardrops? - You did.
- Oh, you Welsh pedant.
- Let's have a listen to how it should have sounded.
- I love this song.
MUSIC: Teardrop by Massive Attack SHE MOUTHS LYRICS - Let's have your next one, please.
- Oh, God.
- Right? Remember, you've got to make a car noise when I elbow you.
One, two, three, four PHILL SINGS RHYTHM LISA HONKS Or do the duck.
LAUGHTER # New York to San Francisco An intercity disco - Eh, the Vengaboys, "Vengabus.
" - Absolutely No, no, no! - No, it's not! - It is! - No, I'm going to throw it across.
- "We Like To Party!" - Absolutely right! AUDIENCE BOOS Oooh.
This isn't a pantomime, calm down! - No! - Harsh but fair, I'm sure you'll agree.
- That can't happen.
Oh, I'm sorry, it was We Like To Party, not the Vengabus.
Oh, this could reignite the Troubles.
It's terrible, it's come from above, this, it's come from the top.
What? Jesus told you to tell me? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I can't believe it.
So, it was the Vengaboys' We Like To Party.
The point was stolen, here's how it should have sounded.
MUSIC: We Like To Party! (The Vengabus) by Vengaboys LAUGHTER I'll tell you right now, there's someone on that team who's not on board.
That was the Vengaboys with We Like To Party.
Bandmember Roy van Burger now works as an air steward.
He wanted to set up some sort of mobile fast-food outlet but, for the life of him, just couldn't think of a name.
You also heard Massive Attack with Teardrop.
In 2003, frontman 3D and Damon Albarn paid for a full-page ad in the NME against the Iraq War.
Unfortunately, George Bush was still reading Smash Hits at the time and the war went ahead as planned.
Noel and Ana, here are yours for Joe, please.
Thank you very much.
Yeah? You ready? No.
Do you know what you're doing? I think so, yeah.
NOEL SINGS MELODY ANA SCREECHES ANA IMPERSONATES PERCUSSION ANA SCREECHES LOUD FART SOUND EFFECT PLAYS LAUGHTER That is exactly like it, Rhod.
It was exactly like it but it's very easy once you know, I find, this game.
The last time I had a man in a glittery top sing at me, I'd been on Grindr earlier.
I like anal and dressing up as Tron.
I haven't got a clue.
- It's the Backstreet Boys.
- Ah.
Larger Than Life is the name of the track and it should have sounded like this MUSIC: Larger Than Life by Backstreet Boys It was good.
To be fair, it was good.
I think yours are a lot harder than theirs.
OK, let's have your next one, please.
NOEL IMPERSONATES GUITAR MELODY ANA IMPERSONATES THERAMIN Solid.
Solid.
It's Mozart but I'm not sure what symphony.
I don't know.
- I think it's Brimful of Asha by Cornershop.
- Boom! Oh, was it Cornershop? I didn't know what it was called.
This is what it should've sounded like MUSIC: Brimful of Asha (Norman Cook remix) by Cornershop It's quite hard to do.
It's like Norman Cook's version.
It's quite hard.
If you'd done a whaa.
Whaa! That was Cornershop with Brimful of Asha.
The song famously has the lyrics "everybody needs a bosom for a pillow".
I agree.
I insist on mine being mammary foam.
Eh? Come on, it's just a bit of fun.
- "Mammary foam.
" Very good.
- I love mammary foam.
You also heard the Backstreet Boys with Larger than Life.
In 2006, Kevin Richardson left the band to pursue other interests, and is now working in the music industry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And at the end of that round, Noel's team have two and Phill's team have three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, we end the show as usual with our quick fire round, Next Lines.
As a tribute to Lisa Stansfield, we've "Been Around The World" and found songs with place names in the lyrics.
Phill's team, you go first and your time starts now So I'm moving to New York When? Cos I've got problems with my sleep.
Moving to New York by The Wombats.
Whoa, we're going to Ibiza Back to the island It's whoa, back to the island.
I'll give it you.
We're Going To Ibiza by the Vengaboys.
Oh, hang on a minute.
Famous Big song, big song, big song.
China.
China in your hand.
China In Your Hand is absolutely right, perfect.
- # You can hear it in my accent when I talk - # WELSH ACCENT: I'm from the Valleys.
I'm an Englishman in New York Yes, I'm An Englishman In New York by Sting.
This could be Rotterdam or anywhere - # Liverpool or Rome # - Absolutely right.
APPLAUSE - Absolutely right.
Noel's team.
- We've got absolutely no chance.
- No, we're going to do it.
- Eh, six points to win.
New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of THEY SING TUNE There's nothing you can do Absolutely right, Empire State Of Mind by Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys.
California girls, we're unforgettable # California girls, we're unforgettable # Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top - # Sun-kissed skin # - Absolutely right.
California Gurls by Katy Perry.
Really the most important lyric of all time.
- Ooh, big track, big track, big track.
- Bucket on your head.
- I have a serious mental health problem.
- Bucket dust.
- No, it's not bucket dust! - Bucket dust! - No! - Bucket powder! - Big track! Don't let me sit like this! Come on! APPLAUSE - It's ridiculous.
- Mr Sandman! You look good like that.
We're going to keep going until somebody gets this cos I am not ruining all my clothes for nothing.
Suntan by the Sands of Barbados.
Sex On The Beach! Sex on the beach?! How much sex do you have to have on a beach to end up like? - Think of a prison in Paris.
- Bastille.
Bastille, yes, that's the band.
It was really worth the prop though, Rhod, I think it went really well.
It's Pompeii.
- LISA: Never heard of it.
- Never heard of it? I still don't even get it.
It's Bastille, Pompeii was a big hit.
What's that got to do with you pouring dust on yourself? - It's volcanic ash! - Ohhh! - It's volcanic ash.
What's it got to do with a bucket? Well, the bucket was just to hold the ash.
- You kept saying bucket, bucket.
- I never said bucket.
I had to have some LOUD FART SOUND EFFECT PLAYS LAUGHTER Rhod Gilbert exposes crippling drug habit on television.
Come on.
LAUGHTER There you go, end with some dignity.
Yeah! You did really well.
APPLAUSE So, at the end of the show, Noel's team have five but Phill's team are tonight's winners with seven.
Yay! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, that's it.
Thanks to Phill, Lisa and Aisling, Noel, Ana and Joe.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I've been Rhod Gilbert, I'm off to buy some baby oil, a thong and a revolving plinth - my nana's cooking tonight.
Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is a bit of a weird ending, ladies and gentlemen, it has to be said.