Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e07 Episode Script

Michael Ball, Lethal Bizzle, Gemma Cairney and Sarah Millican

1 Hello and welcome to the certainly different, all new Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
On Phil's team tonight # Yeah! Y-y-you're professional Yeah He's the face of UK grime, so somebody fetch him a Wet Wipe.
It's Lethal Bizzle.
MUSIC: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham And a comedian who once permed her hair to be like Kylie Minogue and also went through a long period of unemployment to be like Dannii.
It's Sarah Millican.
And on Noel's team All I want is what I had He's a permanent fixture of London's West End.
Don't worry, we've scraped all the pigeon shit off him.
It's Michael Ball.
MUSIC: Bang Bang by Jessie J And a radio DJ who hosts Radio 1's early breakfast show from 4am to 6.
You'd have heard it if you're a security guard, insomniac or David Hasselhoff getting his first spray tan of the day.
It's Gemma Cairney.
Let's get things started.
Ding-ding! Like Cheryl Cole in a nightclub toilet, it's time for Round One.
Did I say 'Chairoll Cole'? I meant Cheryl Cole.
Doesn't matter, you laughed anyway.
Sod it! This round is all about musicians who have thrown down their instruments, taken their mum's advise and gone and got a real job.
Yes, it's time for Working 9 To 5.
- # Working - 9 - .
to 5 What a way to make a living.
That was that.
HE LAUGHS Yes, it's all about what people have given up music to do.
Do Steps now help old people to get into swimming pools? Did Hall & Oates later develop a cereal for people too busy to eat in the kitchen? Noel's team, your question concerns this singing Pez machine.
# Deadly when I play a dope melody # Anything less than the best is a felony # Love it or leave it You better gain weight # You better hit bull's-eye the kid don't play # If there was a problem yo, I'll solve it # Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it # Ice, ice, baby Vanilla Ice.
That was Vanilla Ice with Ice Ice Baby.
Mr Ice had a meteoric rise to fame in the '90s, topping the charts and even starring as himself in his own movie, but what nine-to-five is Vanilla Ice doing now? Is he a motivational speaker, who's given a TED talk called Stop, Collaborate And Listen? I just got that.
THEY LAUGH - You don't need to tell us when you get it, just laugh.
- OK.
- That's all.
Is he the owner of an event catering company who's provided catering for celebrities including MC Hammer and Sir Mix-a-Lot? Or is he - C - an interior designer specialising in home makeovers who even has his own range of chandeliers? Oh, I hope so! - Have you got chandeliers in your house? - Erm He's got chandeliers in his car.
He's got them in his underpants.
Yeah, plenty of ballroom.
EVERYONE OOHS HE MOUTHS: Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Oh I just got that.
So, Noel's team, what are you thinking? Vanilla Ice, what's he doing now? Did he do Watercolour Challenge? - Dancing On Ice, he did, but I'm sure he's done - Was it Dancing On Ice? He was kind ofhe was kind of going on.
- Was he quite motivational to the other people? - Yeah, he was.
- He washe was full of it.
- Was he? - Yeah.
Talking of motivating things, you've got a few weird, self-motivating things backstage.
Well, I have routines and stuff that I do.
The last thing your dressers have to say to you before you go on is Are we smelling nice for the ladies and gentlemen? Every character I have has to smell right.
- What does Sweeney Todd smell of? - Sweeney Todd smells of Bay Rum.
Have any of your characters ever just smelled of likefart? - No.
- That was a very memorable Les Miserables.
I did do one once in Les Miz and it was disgusting.
The end of thethe end of the show.
Everyone is dying and I was I wasn't well.
And the poor girl who's in my arms and I I let go and it was It made me gag and if you gag EVERYONE LAUGHS If you gag on your own, you know it's a real corker.
As the cast are coming forward going, Do you hear the people sing - They went - HE INHALES It was disgusting.
I went to a pantomime once and the Cinderella did a fart that everyone heard.
- I'm not lying.
- Did people shout, "It's behind you"? This poor girl I was in the show with in Aspects Of Love, and it's the only silent moment in the show and she's meant to be playing this 15-year-old girl - Wrong in these times, I know.
- It's wrong any time, Michael! Sorry, Yewtree are just there for me.
This girl's in bed and she pulls back the bedclothes and she sings, # Alex, let me hold you I've got so much on my mind.
And I turned round in dead silenceand it was enormous.
HE MAKES FARTING NOISE And the woman in the front row went, "Dear God!" I'm not sure if you remembered we're on television.
- Back to the question then.
- I can't believe I've just done that.
- What are we thinking about Vanilla Ice? - Oh, who cares? Who cares, let's have a farting competition.
OK, as team captain, Rhod, I'm going to go with Dr Pop Off.
Dr Pop Off? Dr Ploopy Plop Pants.
- So, you're going for? - Chandeliers.
- Chandeliers.
- Chandeliers? - You're absolutely right.
- Yes? - It's design.
- Yes! He's an interior designer.
After leaving the spotlight, Vanilla Ice went on to work as an interior designer.
He's been doing it for over 15 years and has his own reality show on the DIY Network, a US channel for home design enthusiasts.
His children are called Dusti Rain and KeeLee Breeze.
Names he came up with his wife, Glade Plug-in.
Phil, Lethal and Sarah, your question concerns these hip-hop rapscallions.
# False Media We don't need it, do we? # It's fake, that's what it be to ya, dig me? # Yo, Terminator X Step up on the stand # And show these people what time it is, boy # Don't, don't, don't, don't # Don't believe the hype # Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't believe the hype.
Now, that lively hip hopster is Terminator X from Public Enemy, but what career did Mr X go on to do? - Which one was him in the video? - He's at the decks, isn't he? - Scratching.
- Oh, it's not the one with the big watch around his neck? - No, that's Flavor Flav.
- Na, that's Flavor Flav.
- OK, sorry.
I'm trying.
- I'm not very cool.
- You say you're not very cool.
You described all the music you listen to as "shit".
Yeah, according to other people.
I mean, I think it's awesome, clearly.
Favourite five tracks, come on! Favourite five tracks - Wake Me Up Before You Go-go, something by Celine Dion that I can belt out Oh, the one with Barbra Streisand cos I can do both the parts.
I think it would be remiss of us not to ask you to do both parts.
SHE LAUGHS It's not happening.
- Oh, get your parts out.
- No, I'm not giving either part out.
# Wasn't it good? # Oh, so good # Wasn't it fine? # Oh, so fine Isn't it Oh, my God! "Isn't it MAGIC!" I don't know what it is.
Isn't it magic? Madness! Isn't it madness! God's sake.
If you're going to do musical theatre, get it right.
Oh, look at that.
Michael Ball is turning in his live grave.
What do you listen to when you are relaxing, Lethal, at home? - I like a bit of Take That.
- Take That!? Favourite Take That track? - Erm, You Rule The World.
- Wrong.
Never Forget.
Do you want some options on the Public Enemy question? - Yeah, I need some.
- OK.
So, Terminator X from Public Enemy, what career did he go on to do? That's the question.
Did he become A - a Trappist monk now residing in Tibet? Did he become an ostrich farmer specialising in black African ostriches? Or was it C - the owner of a termite and pest control company in New York? What is he farming these ostriches for? Is it eating or pleasure? - What are you thinking? Bizzle? - I don't know.
I'm stuck between the monks and the ostrich, I think.
- And we've all been there.
- Yeah.
Termite business.
Really? Let's see if you are right.
You're wrong! In 1994, following a motorcycle accident, Terminator X gave up the hedonistic life of a rapper to move into ostrich farming.
He farmed black African ostriches.
The female ostrich lays about 50 chicks a year, a record only surpassed in the animal kingdom by an in season Mick Hucknall.
It's bonus point time, ladies and gentlemen.
Noel and Phil, stand your ears to attention because it's hard to believe, but all of our panellists had regular jobs before hitting the dizzying heights of superstardom.
For a bonus point, I want you to guess what your fellow panellists did before they were famous.
Michael Ball used to kill people for the Corleones.
Damn! I've said too much.
His weapon of choice The bum trumpet.
One of your guests wore lederhosen in a previous life.
If you'd like to pass those along.
Don't give anything away, guests.
- One of your guests wore lederhosen.
- Hang on.
That is not the real outfit.
- That is just something we cobbled together.
- Ball, M.
One of them served tequila.
Those are Michael's pyjamas.
No, don't! Don't! - Is it real? - Let me just spit these out.
One worked in a folder factory.
And one produced erotic fiction.
This is a little one that I've made, The Lusty Candlelit Bandit, which each of you has a copy of under the desks.
- I can imagine Millican knocking out erotic fiction.
- Can you? IN FEMALE GEORDIE VOICE: Oh, and then heheld them .
with his big, meaty hands.
STILL IN VOICE: Oh, then he took me out for a supper You're right that all of my eroticism is all based on food.
You're right.
Every word in Geordie sounds pretty funny.
What are you thinking, Noel, for your team? What are you thinking? - Wow! Well, I thought - Should we Should we give them out? - Yeah.
Me and Noel are going to try and work together on this.
- Let's work together.
- That's the sort of way the quiz goes.
No, but you're working separately.
We know, yeah, all right, whatever.
I have a feeling I've just lost my authority halfway through the series.
If you are working together, it's going to be very difficult to decide who gets the point.
- We'll share it.
We'll share it after the show.
- Nice idea.
- After the show.
After the show, we meet up round the bike sheds and just cut the points in half.
I think Biz for the What do you reckon, for the tequila? - Yeah, for the tequila.
- Yeah, Biz is tequila.
You think Lethal Bizzle used to don a tequila harness - and give out tequila in clubs? - I think you did.
IN FEMALE GEORDIE VOICE: Pulsating and throbbing.
- IN FEMALE GEORDIE VOICE: - And then he took me out for a curry and .
with his big hands like wolves.
Oh, they were massive, sausage finger loving.
Can I make a suggestion? - They were like baseball mitts.
- What would you like, Rhod? Would you like us to touch you with our big, meaty hands? - Oh, Rhodney.
- Ooh, Rhod.
Look what I can do! Pulsating! CONGO DRUMS PLAY I've got a suggestion.
To identify the person who recorded and produced the audio books, why don't you get everyone to read a little section.
See if that gives you any clues to who did the audio.
- OK, Gemma, you go first.
- Yep.
"He eagerly delved into her innermost parts "like a metal detectorist whose detector was really beeping.
" I am pretty turned on, but I'm not sure it was you.
I love the fact Ball has put his glasses on for this.
"His tongue worked quickly all over her buttocks "like a dehydrated Alsatian "lapping away at the water bowl.
"She quickly took all of him in her mouth "as if it were five minutes before closing "at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
" I've got a lazy lob, I don't know about anyone else.
"She ran her hands up and down his shaft "like a" Shaft! "Like aamateur potter desperately trying to make a toilet vase.
"She ripped off his shirt exposing his glistening abs "shining like a brand-new car "but without the brand-new car smell.
" This is the one that we've all been waiting for.
"Clive" LAUGHTER I've only said one word.
"Clive frantically kneaded at her bosom "like a baker trying to hurriedly finish his last batch, "so he could go home and watch The Chase.
"He manoeuvred himself into her "like someone trying to park a car into a space he knew was too small, "but really wanted anyway.
" That's brilliant.
I'm genuinely sweating.
I'm sweating.
I'm sweating.
- I think Michael - Lederhosen.
- Yeah.
- Folder factory.
The book is down there in the Northeast and Lethal has got the tequila.
I'm going to give you a point each.
You're not quite right.
- Romantic fiction is indeed Sarah Millican.
- Obviously.
There she is.
- Lethal is NOT the tequila distributor.
- Oh! Lethal is our file factory worker.
- What was that like? - Horrible, terrible and it's given me a phobia of Sophie Ellis-Bextor as well.
- Tell me.
- When he was in the factory - Oh, don't do it.
Lethal said that pretty much on a loop on the radio, they used to play Sophie Ellis-Bextor and he said if he hears it once more, he'll literally kill himself.
MUSIC: Murder On The Dancefloor by Sophie Ellis-Bextor TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! Is it off? Michael Ball was indeed Mr Lederhosen.
Oh, that's lovely, that is.
You look good in them.
I was at college and I had a holiday job and I had to dress up in lederhosen and hand out leaflets to go on Tyrolean coach trips.
Gemma, you were the tequila - Yeah, tequila girl.
- .
- That's you.
- That isn't a real picture, by the way.
Is that not a real picture? No, they've put my head on a tequila girl - Look at the hairy arms.
- .
who's got a hairy arm.
And at the end of that round, Noel's team have two and Phil's team have one.
Time now for the Intros Round.
Phil and Lethal, here are yours for Sarah.
Remember, Sarah, it's the title of the song.
Did you see the way he opened that envelope there? The professionalism.
"I know stationary.
" Boom, envelope! Whoa! One, two, three, four.
THEY HUM SONG Is itis it Easy Lover? - Yes! - Yes! I never get these.
I never get these.
Here it is.
MUSIC: Easy Lover by Phil Collins - Very good.
Very good.
- Amazing.
It was.
Easy Lover by Phil Collins.
Let's have your next one.
One, two, three, four.
THEY HUM SONG - You know this.
- No, I don't.
- Oh, you do.
- Oh, don't do that! Do you want a clue? "Blow on it, blow on it.
"Ooh, it's still a bit red.
If you blow on it, "it will spring into life again.
It's not dead.
Give it a blow.
" What kind of a clue is that? It's a very good clue.
Not if it's not helping me.
I'm the one who judges how good the clues are, Rhod Gilbert, and that is a shit clue.
- I have literally no idea.
- Relight my fire.
- Lulu.
Relight my fire.
Here's what it should have sounded like.
MUSIC: Relight My Fire by Take That You didn't do the bit in the beginning.
You didn't do the - Ooh! - in the beginning.
Oh, is that it? Is that what we got wrong(?) It's the Intros Round.
- What? - "Well, you did the bit at the beginning" It's the Intros Round, Millican.
So that was Take That and Relight My Fire.
Gary Barlow begged Jason Orange not to leave Take That, but only because he liked to have an orange in the group as you don't pay any VA on fruit and vegetables.
We also heard Phil Collins' Easy Lover.
Phil Collins allegedly divorced his wife by fax machine.
If you don't know what that is, it's an old, annoying piece of shit that no-one cares about any more.
Standing next to a fax machine.
Noel and Michael, here are yours for Gemma.
- OK, Michael.
- You can do this.
Pluck up the courage, my little fella.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Rogers and Alice Cooper.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE # Islands in the stream That is what we are - All right, you ready? - Yeah.
- One, two, three, four THEY HUM It's a Kasabian tune, but I don't know which one.
Aaah! I'm afraid I'm going to throw it over.
Easy And it's spelt weirdly.
Eez-eh It's Eez-Eh, Kasabian, and this is what it sounds like.
MUSIC: Eez-Eh by Kasabian MICHAEL HUMS Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
You can do that No, no, don't do that.
No, no! No! Stop! - Let him express himself - Yes! - .
any way he wants to.
I'm being my bad self, and you can't oppress me! LAUGHTER Next one, please.
Two, three, four.
MICHAEL HUMS THEY HUM - No? - Gemma? - I feel like I know this song.
You would know this song really, really well.
It's an old song.
Imagine Whigfield walks into a club, Cheryl Cole's in the toilet.
They end up scrapping, but it's the weekend - Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting by Elton John.
- Yes! Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting Of course! It sounded like this.
MUSIC: Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting by Elton John Absolutely.
Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting.
I don't think I've ever Well, maybe I've heard it, but not that familiar with it.
You also heard Kasabian with Eez-eh.
In September, this year, Kasabian played the iTunes Festival twice, acting as their own support.
It's not the first time an artist has doubled up.
In 2005, Brian Harvey acted as both victim and driver in his very own hit-and-run.
If I'm not mistaken, Round Three is the Identity Parade.
Noel's team, here's one for you.
For the audience only, here is Phats & Small with Turn Around.
# Cos things ain't gettin' over # Listen to what I say # Got to turn around Got to turn around! That was Phats & Small with Turn Around.
But which of our line-up is vocalist Ben Ofoedu? Is it number one? Big Ben.
Got to turn around.
Is it number two, Blackpool Tower? Got to turn arou-ound.
Is it number three, Camp David? Got to turn around! Is it number four, Christ the Redeemer? Got to turn around.
Or is it number five, Keswick Pencil Museum? Turn around, bright eyes.
What are you thinking, Noel's team? Has number three forgotten to roll down his roll neck? - I'm really excited about this, this is a dream come true.
- Is it? - Yeah.
I forgot that I loved this song so much.
Please see again from one to No, five to one.
Turn around, bright eyes.
Yeah, it's him.
It's him.
Got to turn around! - Is your head on some kind of spring? - He's trying too hard.
- He's trying too hard! - He's too, like, full-on.
- You don't think it is? - No.
- I haven't got a clue, but you two are having If that was your song, you wouldn't be like Let's have a look at number three.
Got to turn around! It's number three! I think that's one of the most stressful sounds in nature.
Number three, will you come on my radio show every morning at four and just kick off the show with that? Got to turn around! - Gemma, who do you think it is? Quickly.
- A giddy three.
A giddy three, let's find out.
Would the real Ben Ofoedu please break through now? Ooh! APPLAUSE Man! - I'm so sorry.
- Let's have a look at number three, just out of interest.
LAUGHTER - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Whoa! Let's have a look at number five! I know he can't break through the crepe paper, but let's bring him through.
You didn't choose number five, let's have a look at him.
Number five.
There he is! - Ben, you're back in the studio with Phats & Small - Yeah.
next year, recording for the 15th anniversary.
I haven't been back in the studio for years, actually.
Funnily enough, I'm not nervous about that, I'm nervous about panto, I'm doing panto.
Where are you playing? - In Gravesend.
- Yeah.
- It's the Woodville Theatre in Kent.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Ofoedu, in pantomime! - Thank you.
- APPLAUSE Thanks very much.
- Good luck.
Phil, Lethal and Sarah, here's yours.
For the audience only, here are The Chords with Maybe Tomorrow.
# Cos we saw you # Surely not this time # Yes, we saw you # You were wearing the uniforms You were wearing the uniforms That was The Chords with Maybe Tomorrow.
But which of our line-up is drummer Buddy Ascott? Is it number one, Buddy Ascott? Is it number two, Buddy Asswipe? Is it number three, Minty Bumbasket? Is it number four, Rusty Cupmagnet? Or is it number five, The Lusty Candlelit Bandit? LAUGHTER Number four looks like he's having a lovely time, look at his little face! He looks too happy to be a drummer, though.
Tell me about drummers and their sorrow, Lethal.
If you're a drummer, you've got to be quite - I don't know, a bit - Angry? - Yeah, aggressive.
Number three looks like Number three looks like he would then eat the drums Yeah, exactly.
after beating them into submission.
And then Arrr! Let's push you for an answer.
- Four.
- It's definitely four.
Let's find out.
Will the real Buddy Ascott please step forward? Hey! Yes, he is Buddy Ascott! - Buddy, you've played with The Clash, Buzzcocks - Yeah.
- Ronnie Wood.
Not all the same night, but - Still working with three bands, though.
- Yep.
- The Moment, Speak Easy and The Rage.
- Yep.
Just recorded an album with The Moments and on tour next year with Speak Easy and The Rage, as you said.
- Thank you.
- Great to have you.
Buddy Ascott, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE OK, time for a new final round this week, a well dench, but denchingly difficult new quickfire game called Brand Or Band.
I'm going to read out a name.
All you do is identify whether it is a brand or a band.
Noel's team, you're in the lead, so you go first.
Your timestarts now.
- Throbbing Gristle.
- Band.
Or a budget meat for pies.
It is a band, yeah, absolutely right.
Horny Moment.
Is it a Sacramento punk band or a US online dating site? - Band.
- They are Sacramento punks.
I'll give you a bonus point if you can name one of their songs.
Eat My Own Shit.
You could have had Field Of Gerbils, Book Burning Hoedown Wow.
- Phil's team.
- Yeah.
- Your time starts now.
Bed Wetters, Estonian pop punk or Australian plastic under-sheets? - Band.
- Yes! Yes, Estonian pop punkers.
Pork Queen.
Vancouver-based improvised rockers or a Midlands-based mobile food van? That's my nickname.
Which one are you going for? Sarah's nickname.
It's rockers.
So, at the end of the show, Phil's team have four.
But Noel's team are tonight's winners, with six! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So that's it.
Thanks to Phil, Lethal and Sarah.
Ladies and gentlemen, Noel, Michael and Gemma! This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I've been Rhod Gilbert.
I'm off to see a man about a well dench African ostrich.
Good night.