Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e08 Episode Script

Katherine Ryan, Charlie Simpson, Paloma Faith, Loyd Grossman

1 ROCK MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Hello! And welcome to the subtly different, all-new Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
On Phill's team tonight We swam out across the shallow breakers A singer-songwriter who last appeared on the show with me in 2005.
Back then he was in Busted, but he's since reinvented himself as a musician.
It's Charlie Simpson! APPLAUSE # So you say you've had enough And you might just give it up And it's the winner of the Nivea Funny Women Award 2007, but she's promised not rub it in our faces.
It's Katherine Ryan.
APPLAUSE And on Noel's team # Only love Only love can hurt like this A singer who once supported Prince at a festival.
Well, I say supported - he sat on her shoulders so he could order an ice cream.
LAUGHTER It's Paloma Faith! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # You're over my head I'm out of my mind Thinking I was born in the wrong time And he's a broadcaster, musician, historian and gastronome.
We shouldn't be surprised if he can't settle on one accent.
How is going to settle on a career? It's Loyd Grossman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE First off, Loyd Grossman OBE, you're in a band.
I've been in bands for years.
I'm just very unsuccessful.
LAUGHTER What kind of genre music do you play? I would say it's a kind of like a cross between The Ramones and the early Velvet Underground with a soupcon of SHE LAUGHS Of the MC5.
NOEL: Wow.
The band are called The New Forbidden.
We've got a picture of you.
You played at Glastonbury! A very important tradition at Glastonbury is that The New Forbidden play on opening night at the Avalon Cafe.
So it's a tradition? We've done it four times now.
Four times?! Glastonbury? That's impressive.
I've got on my notes that a tradition in Glastonbury is for people to shout, "We love Loyd's testicles!" at you.
Uh, they don't so much shout it as chant it.
Oh, my mistake.
LAUGHTER What's the tune? Oh, the tune is, uh # We love Loyd's testicles # We love Loyd's testicles! Do you have to produce them at that point? Uh I think the lyrics are a metaphor for something.
HE LAUGHS So it's not just that they love your balls? LAUGHTER No, I think they're just praising my general life force and virility.
LAUGHTER Paloma, you supported Prince.
That's gotta be pretty cool.
It was amazing.
Was it? Yeah, I was opening for Prince in Copenhagen, and then, suddenly, the whole crowd went, like, absolutely mental and started rushing towards the stage.
And I was like, "Oh, they know me in Copenhagen.
" And I realised, as I looked round that Prince had actually just, like, walked onto the stage, pulled up a chair and was, like, just sat on stage, just watching like this, bopping his head.
And the drummer was like Prince also invited me just to his hotel room to, like, hang out and watch the gig that I'd done.
And I was like, "I can't watch my gig in front of you," but he was like, "Do you want some lemon drizzle cake?" HE LAUGHS Did you get you get any flirty vibes from him? Not even slightly.
Was it good lemon drizzle cake? LAUGHTER God, when I was tour with the Boosh, the driver of our bus, Marilyn Manson had been in his bus, and he'd had Prince in his bus.
And he was a Geordie, and I said, "What was Prince like?" And he went, "He's a right clumsy little fucker.
" LAUGHTER He said one time, he was filling up the tour bus, the water tank, with a hose at the petrol garage and Prince got out and tripped over it! And then got stuck in the door at the petrol garage.
Let's start the show, ladies and gentlemen! This round is all about musicians' weird and wonderful outfits.
Yes, it's time for You Can Leave Your Hat On.
# You can Leave.
# .
your hat on # You can leave your Hat.
# .
on You can leave your hat on.
Yes, Phill.
Each of you has been given an item of clothing that corresponds to a particular musical artiste.
All you have to do is pop it on and work out who the Blazin' Squad you are.
Phill, Charlie, Katherine, have a good old rummage in your under-desk area.
LAUGHTER And see what you can find.
Let's have a look at you now.
There's Katherine.
There's Charlie.
Phill? Here he is.
LAUGHTER So Can we sit? So you are in your outfits.
What you need to do is identify who you think you are.
There is nothing here I haven't seen in Fielding's wardrobe.
LAUGHTER This is like sports casual.
My safe word tonight will be tangerine.
LAUGHTER Are they all separate, or are they once-off? No, they're all separate artistes.
We are one band.
One unforgettable band.
We open for Loyd Grossman every year.
LAUGHTER I think I know what this is from an album cover.
And, yeah, there are arms up.
What are you thinking? I don't look like Beyonce at all.
My dreams are shattered.
LAUGHTER Kenny Rogers having a nervous breakdown.
Phill, we have mentioned your artiste tonight on the show.
Is Phill Prince? Phill is Prince.
There's no way he could wear this! He is, like, this big! I can wear it as a hat.
With him, it was a backstage area to run around in! Charlie? VOICE MUFFLED Is it Katy Perry? Is what, sorry? Katy Perry.
You'll have to speak up, mate.
Katy Perry.
No, it's not Katy Perry.
It's Nicki Minaj.
It's Nicki Minaj.
She doesn't seem, like a very welcoming, nice lady.
RAPS # All the skinny bitches in the club She's not fan of people without these curves that she bought.
LAUGHTER Katherine, you are Beyonce from the cover of her debut album, Dangerously In Love.
Phill, you're Prince from his performance at Radio City Music Hall in 1993.
And, Charlie, you are Nicki Minaj from the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards.
Here is a bonus question, Phill's team, about your musician.
Phill Prince.
What happened on the set of his 1999 music video? He was crushed by a hamster.
LAUGHTER Was it A, he got so wrapped up in the music, so lost was Prince, that his lips got fully stuck in his guitar, and I mean fully stuck in his guitar.
Was it B, that once shooting was over, Prince in a celebratory thing at the end, wrapped himself in the curtains on the stage and got everybody to hug him, and broke a rib? Oh! Or was it that the smoke machines gave everyone terrible - and I mean terrible - diarrhoea? LAUGHTER If a smoke machine gives you diarrhoea, does it come out like a blizzard? LAUGHTER That's a proper joke from me.
I can leave now, surely.
What are you thinking? What are we thinking? Not the guitar.
Not the guitar.
Lips fully stuck in a guitar.
It can happen.
Beyonce's weave got caught in a fan.
Really? What did she do? She kept singing.
And that fan's name was Barry.
LAUGHTER And in court, when they said, "Did you bite Beyonce?" The fan went LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Two proper jokes! Two in a row! I'm going! Ladies and gentlemen.
His bones are like spaghetti sticks.
So you reckon he's fragile and tiny andyeah.
I'm taking ribs as your answer.
You are wrong.
The answer was C.
The smoke machine gave the whole lot of them dia-bloody-terrible-rrhoea.
LAUGHTER The shoot only took four hours, but that was enough time for it to have a negative effect on the crew.
The mineral oil used in the smoke machine gave everyone terrible diarrhoea.
Prince was once so poor, he used to stand outside McDonald's just so he could smell the food, till one day, a kind-hearted passer-by took pity on him and lifted him onto the pavement so he could go in.
LAUGHTER Noel's team, over to you.
Frisk underneath your desk area and see what you can come up with, and pop it on, please, now.
Hello! Ah! I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
LAUGHTER There's a clue.
Blimey, you do wear those well.
What are you thinking? Well, I'm Katy Perry.
Oh, Loyd, that's really ruined the prospect of some great television, that you've just blurted out LAUGHTER Yeah, Loyd! APPLAUSE Yeah, Loyd.
I'll tell you now, you are right with Katy Perry.
Oh, do you know what? I was making a cake this afternoon and forgot to cream it, so that's perfect, Loyd.
Oh, that's fantastic.
Can we just Yeah, let's have a go.
If you could just There you go.
If you could just de-breast yourself.
LAUGHTER Is that enough? Oh, God, when I thought I'll do it, it'll be quite funny, but it's actually offensive.
LAUGHTER Actually really upsetting to see you squirting breast cream onto a sponge.
Feed me, Loyd.
This is going to be so bad.
You'll have to do it yourself.
I can't participate.
Feed me! Feed me, Loyd! I can't participate.
Feed me, Loyd! Give Britain what they want, Loyd.
Feed me, Loyd.
Maybe you should sit on Noel's lap.
I promise you it won't get any weirder than this this series.
Promise you this is the benchmark for weirdness.
GAS HISSES Oh! Loyd's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
That's You should have a nip.
Semi-skimmed? Full-fat.
You know, that was, uhthat was all a diversionary tactic to cover up the fact that we're going to win this round.
Yeah, we know what we're doing.
What you thinking, Noel? HIGH PITCHED: I'm thinking maybe it's Michael.
Oh, could be Michael.
Is that how he sounds? I can't remember how he speaks.
He does speak like that, doesn't he? HIGH PITCHED: Gee, Pluto.
LAUGHTER Is there a baby I can hang out of a window? Can you just stand up and hold me and pretend I'm a baby and we'll see if it works? Out the window? Yeah, out the window.
He did this, didn't he, with the baby? He went, "This is hilarious.
There's people out there.
I didn't do that.
"I did not do that in any way.
" Do you know I follow Blanket Jackson on Twitter.
Who? Blanket? Blanket Jackson.
Who's Blanket? He's a real boy and he's grown up.
The son.
He's the son.
Yeah, this one.
He's called Blanket? Blanket.
Why did he call him Blanket? Did he ever justify it? He did.
He said that the baby was really comforting and cuddly and cosy like a blanket - they named him Blanket.
I bet he did.
LAUGHTER HIGH PITCHED: Hey, come on now.
LAUGHTER Paloma, do you have any thoughts? If you get into a fancy dress box, everyone looks like Gaga, don't they? Yeah.
So, like, we could all have been Gaga.
You could have been, but you're right for you with Gaga.
You are now a complete set.
What I'm toying with is whether I give you the point or not because Of course you do! Of course you do.
LAUGHTER That's what we think of your cake if you don't give us a point.
Well, here's the thing, Paloma Faith.
I'm Crumbs! LAUGHTER Sorry, mate.
There are many people on British television you can do that with, but when there's cake coming at me at 20 miles an hour That's the first time I've ever been cake-blocked.
Sorry, mate.
Right, well, here's the thing, Paloma, and you're going to learn a pretty lesson here, because you did get them right - Katy Perry, Jackson and Lady Gaga.
You got them all right without help, and I was about to give you the point, but then you slammed one of your baubles into Loyd's tit cream and I thought, "You know what? "I'm deducting the point I was about to give you," so BOOING Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Hang on.
We want to appeal.
Um LAUGHTER You're attempting to give us Zero.
nul points Zero.
No, no, no.
for getting it right.
Minus one.
Minus one, I'm giving you.
Then you're taking two points away.
That's called player hating.
You got it legitimately, but then the tantrum.
Well, Rhod, you've embarrassed yourself and everyone in Britain.
LAUGHTER This is like Putin's Russia.
LAUGHTER It's worse.
It's worse.
That is the sort of thing your teacher does when you're at school and then you all whisper, "I think his wife's left him.
" LAUGHTER Uh, Paloma, you are Lady Gaga from her performance in Sydney in 2009.
Noel, you're Michael Jackson from a stroll around LA in 2008.
And, Loyd, you are, as you said, Katy Perry, from the video for California Girls.
Michael Jackson only ever admitted to having two cosmetic surgery procedures.
One to fill the little lines around his eyes, and the other to change him into Davina McCall.
LAUGHTER Michael Jackson was going to play the lead role in a new version of Spider-Man, but in Jackson's script, Spidey defeats the Green Goblin by making a large out-of-court payment to his parents.
LAUGHTER Time now, ladies and gentlemen, for the intros round.
Charlie and Phill, here are yours for Katherine.
Charlie, before you do this Yeah.
I happen to know you're a bit of a multi-instrumentalist.
You do the play the drums, the piano, the harmonica, the guitar.
Well, I have built you Oh, God.
Cos I thought No, cos I thought it would be nice to hear these intros done properly by a real, proper musician, so I have built you a contraption.
OK, well, Phill can have that.
Oh, Phill can have that.
All right.
Give that to Phill.
You seem to palming these off quite quickly.
Right, guitar.
And, uh, here we go.
I built this myself.
Uh Oh, God.
CYMBALS CRASH That goes on the back, does it? It's got cymbals.
There's your harmonica.
HE PLAYS HARMONICA Ready? Can we have your first intro, please? You stand there, you stand there, you stand there.
Ready? One, two, three, and THEY PLAY RHYTHMIC TUNE Oh! Oh! Oh! Is it Jay-Z? Uh, It's got a naughty Wha Ah.
Go on.
It's Jay-Z, something.
Tell me where it was set.
Paris is absolutely right.
I will give you that.
It is Jay-Z and Kanye West.
It's N In Paris.
This is what it should have sounded like.
SONG PLAYS I like it.
Oh, yeah.
So I blow so hard LAUGHTER Well done.
It was It was that.
CHEERING Shall we leave these down here, Rhod? Right back here, mate.
You guys did a great job.
"You guys did a great job" from your own team-mate.
During his days as a street hustler, Jay-Z used to carry a gun in a VHS box.
That is right up until the fateful day he had to leave the house in a hurry and was left to defend himself with last night's snooker.
LAUGHTER At the 2006 MTV awards, Kanye stormed the stage and said his song, Touch the Sky, should have won Best Video Award because, and I quote, his video cost a million dollars and had Pamela Anderson in it.
Mate, we've all got videos of Pamela Anderson.
Mine cost me some conkers and a go on my bike.
LAUGHTER Noel and Paloma, here are your intros for Loyd.
Thank you.
We have our fingers well and truly on the pulse here, let me tell you.
LAUGHTER One, two, three, four.
THEY IMITATE GUITAR RIFF HE IMITATES BASS # Aye aye aye Aye aye aye Aye aye LAUGHTER It sounds like the theme song to some cartoon series.
I'm handing it over.
We've got it.
Monkey Man.
It is Monkey Man.
Toots and the Maytals.
This is what it should have sounded like.
MONKEY MAN PLAYS Who's this by? It's so good.
Toots and the Maytals, bro.
Toots and the Maytals.
Oh, is this Toots? It's Toots.
It's one of the best songs ever.
It's a steal.
It's what we call a steal on Buzzcocks.
I love it.
# Aye aye aye Aye aye aye Tell you baby Talkin' to the big monkey man That was Toots and the Maytals with Monkey Man.
Toots had a string of hits, including 54-46 That's My Number, which annoyed his bank, but when he later released Security Code 614, My Mother's Maiden Name Is Jenkins, they finally snapped.
LAUGHTER Round three is the identity parade.
Noel's team, this one's for you.
For the audience only, here are Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers with That's What I Like.
# Do you remember when things were really hummin'? Yeah, let's twist again, twistin' time is here That was Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers with That's What I Like.
Which of our line-up is Jive Bunny? Is it number one, Jive Bunny? Is it number two LAUGHTER .
Chive Bunny? Is it number three, Drive-by Bunny? Is it number four, Live Bunny? NOEL: That's horrifying.
LAUGHTER Is it number five, Myxomatosis? LAUGHTER I rather fancy number five, actually.
Yeah, well, there's no time for that.
LAUGHTER Number one's cheeky, number two looks gormless.
Two's a bit needy, I think.
It's a bit too needy.
Three's sort of drifted off.
Look, it's staring at the audience.
That's cos he's carrying a fully weighted car door.
Is number four the rabbit or the person holding it? Cos the rabbit is holding the number.
It's the rabbit.
It's the rabbit.
It's the rabbit.
I'm gonna go one, but I really want to believe it's four.
LAUGHTER You know what, Paloma? If you want to believe that Jive Bunny is actually masterminded by a real rabbit and then that's why they used a That is a beautiful notion.
It's a lovely thought.
It's a beautiful notion.
Two's got some, like, brand-new Converse on that they've bought specially to come on the show.
Number two.
The look at shoes is quite a useful thing in a normal line-up.
When all of them have got rabbit heads on, I'd say you're looking in the wrong area.
Can we see what shoes the rabbit is wearing? Can we have a look at the rabbit's shoes, please, number four? Better not be DMs.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Uggs! LAUGHTER It's number four.
It is number four.
I love you for that.
Thank you.
Number four.
Are you going along with this, Loyd? I'm going for number four, absolutely.
Rational, pragmatic, prosaic Loyd, you're going with four.
We're going for number four.
With those shoes, it's definitely four.
You're going for number four in the uggs.
Let's find out.
Would the real Jive Bunny please step forward.
LAUGHTER Whoa! It's number two, Chive Bunny.
Can we see you? This is the real guy from Jive Bunny.
It's a little rabbit Hello, Jive Bunny.
in a control booth, controlling him.
He's a snooker referee and he's part-time.
LAUGHTER You two a couple? LAUGHTER Is this your child? He's obviously got the stronger genes.
Noel, do you want to take their heads off? Can I? Yeah.
Can I take your head off? OK.
OTHERS: Ohh! He's not Jive Bunny.
Let's have a go.
Oh, this is weird.
LAUGHTER It was the head.
I didn't know what I was doing.
Noel! Noel! It was the head.
I didn't realise.
Noel, what are you doing? Come on.
LAUGHTER Thanks very much.
Jive Bunny, everybody.
APPLAUSE Phill, Charlie and Katherine, here's yours.
For the audience only, here is N'n'G featuring Kallaghan, with Right Before My Eyes.
# The perfect fit is not so hard to find # This is it, just takes a little time You deserve the perfect love That was N'n'G featuring Kallaghan, with Right Before My Eyes, but which of our line-up is vocalist Claire Callaghan? Is it number one, Right Before My Eyes.
Is it number two, Right Up My Nose? Is it number three, Right, Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Christ, That's It.
Oh, God, Bingo? LAUGHTER Is it number four, Right to Die? LAUGHTER Or is it number five, Dignitas? LAUGHTER Phill's team.
UK garage, Charlie.
No, literally not my forte.
Not your area in any way? I'm enjoying the gothy vibe they've got going there.
Number four's got a really serious sort of Intense.
I'm thinking maybe she's just trying to hide something.
What are you hiding four? Four?! Did you see earlier, I suckled from Loyd Grossman's teat? LAUGHTER Lemon drizzle cake, number four? LAUGHTER Number one.
No? No.
The ladies all look wonderful, but I feel like number three has got the shoes that Claire Callaghan would be wearing.
Oh, I see.
Three it is.
Let's find out.
Would the real Claire Callaghan please step forward? It is three! It is three.
APPLAUSE Claire, still performing.
Doing it.
But you're also teaching.
Yes, I am.
I read somewhere, don't know if this was a kid that said it, but they said every time they're out of line, you go, "Do you know who I am?" And you press play I have been known .
and show the clip.
to put the video on just to stop them being cheeky.
Ladies and gentlemen, Claire Callaghan.
APPLAUSE So we end the show, as usual, with our quick-fire round, Next Lines.
In honour of Jive Bunny, this week it's songs featuring animals.
Phill's team, you're in the lead, you go first, and your time starts now.
"There's a she wolf in the closet" "And she wants wolf sex.
" "Open up and set it free.
" She Wolf, by Shakira.
Same thing.
"We always hang in a buffalo stance" "We do the dive every time we dance.
" Buffalo Stance by Neneh Cherry.
Ooh, give me this! Give it here! Give it here! GROWLING Give me that! I'm having it! I need it.
Oh, whose eye? What have we got here? What have we got? Oh, look, it's an eye.
It's a song.
No! I know what Whose eye is this? No.
The leopard, it's The Eye Of The Leopard.
LAUGHTER Oh, you're so close.
Oh, so close! So close.
It was Eye Of The Tiger.
I said Eye Of The Tiger.
Oh, I didn't hear it cos Phill was being stroppy.
LAUGHTER I'm with Paloma now.
RHOD LAUGHS Noel's team.
In fact, I'm going to help them.
Come on.
Come on.
In defiance.
You could win this.
Have my chair.
I'll give it to you.
I'll sit here.
You could win this.
"Like a bat out of hell" "Like a bat out of hell I'll be riding" Oh.
"I'll be gone when the morning comes.
" Bat Out Of Hell, Meat Loaf.
Here's your next one.
Classic song.
Classic song, ladies and gentlemen.
Classic song.
Noel's team.
Classic song.
Dog Camouflage.
No, not Dog Camouflage.
Dogs Of War.
It is Dogs Of War by Pink Floyd.
It is Dogs Of War.
APPLAUSE Don't eat that sponge.
Don't eat the sponge! That was my sponge! Classic song.
Classic song.
Dog Heart.
Heart Of A Dog.
Hounds Of Love.
Hounds Of Love.
It is Hounds Of Love, ladies and gentlemen.
Come here, Rhosie.
Come here, darling.
I've lost all the cards.
Next one.
Uh, Rhosie, read that.
"How much is that doggie in the window?" ALL: "The one with the waggly tail.
" How Much Is That Doggie In The Window, by Patti Page.
Thank you.
"Hey, hey, we're the Monkees.
" "People say we monkey around.
" "People say we monkey around.
" Theme from The Monkees.
"What's new, pussycat?" ALL: Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh-oh.
It is What's New Pussycat? By Tom Jones.
Read this one.
MUSIC PLAYS We might have won.
Ladies and gentlemen, my little dog Rhosie.
KATHERINE: Ah, yeah, Rhosie! Charlie, can you take the sponge away? PALOMA: Put it on the table in front of his Don't let him near it! LAUGHTER What have I told you about snacking? So that's it, thanks to Phill, Katherine and Charlie, Noel, Paloma and Loyd, and Rhosie, ladies and gentlemen.
Rhosie! This is been Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
I've been Rhod Gilbert.
Good night.