Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e09 Episode Script

Grace Chatto, Rob Beckett, Charli XCX, Phil Daniels

1 APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to the subtly different, all new Never Mind The Buzzcocks, the show that's more fun than catching Ann Robinson and Kim Jong Un going at it in a skip.
Let's meet the guests.
On Phill's team tonight # This is real, real, real Real love A musician who studied at Jesus College, but failed the final practical exam, when she only managed to get eight rounds of tuna sandwiches from the loaves and fishes.
It's Grace Chatto! APPLAUSE And it's the cheeky, chappy comedian who complains he's always being told he looks like other famous people.
How do you think we feel, mate? We thought we'd booked Clare Balding.
It's Rob Beckett.
APPLAUSE And on Noel's team # I don't want to go to school I just want to break the rules.
A singing sensation who released a song called Boom Clap, or to give it its proper medical term - explosive chlamydia.
It is Charli XCX.
# Confidence is a preference For the habitual voyeur of what is known as And he is a London geezer actor who says he hates being mistaken for Paul Daniels, especially when it is by a randy Debbie McGee.
It is Phil Daniels! APPLAUSE Welcome, welcome, welcome.
First times for many of you.
You said you were petrified, Charli.
I am.
Are you still petrified? A little less now, but I am still on the edge.
Charli, what you should bear in mind is if you do lick Noel's face, it has a tranquilising affect.
Give me five and I'll lick him.
Oh, my God, my dad is in the audience! LAUGHTER It's fine, he licked me earlier.
LAUGHTER Where is your dad in the audience, Charli? There.
Where is Mr XCX? Hand up! Hand up, where are you? Hello, Dad.
Yay, Dad! APPLAUSE Is this the first time we got the parents in tonight? Cos it's giving the whole thing a bit of the Nativity edge, I'm going to say.
I am feeling so bad, I haven't invited my parents.
My dad would be herebut he's dead.
AUDIENCE: Aw! Right, party on, dudes! If there was a nativity feel, that's just gone up in smoke.
Ladies and gentlemen I stopped at your dressing room earlier, Phil, and I just went, "Jimmy from Quadrophenia is here!" And I thought, "Shit, I know you've done loads of stuff since.
" That's image you have of me, yeah? Well, it is just such an image from my youth.
Cos you've been in bands as well.
Yeah, I did a bit of all that, yeah.
Let's not forget Blur.
It's basically a rap that you kind of did.
It was a sort of rap, wasn't it? Yeah, a narration rap I call it.
A rap for the over 40s.
A nap.
Like a security guard at a Temple of Doom who has just seen Harrison Ford sneaking around on his CCTV, it is time to get the ball rolling.
AUDIENCE FORCIBLY: Yay! Our first round is all about weeks.
God created the entire world in the just six days, Craig David went one better - buying someone a drink and then knobbing them for three days solid until he was just a mumbling mass of disoriented flesh and bone, thrusting pointlessly at his own shadow.
LAUGHTER Now they're recording that.
What about other musical stars? I'm going to read you seven fictional days in the life of some famous musicians, based on stories that have appeared in the headlines about them.
Your job is to tell me who they are.
Let's play Seven Days.
MUSIC: 7 days by Craig David Oh, Craig David! Grace, you went, "Ooooh, Craig David.
" What was that about? I actually spent an amazing night with him in Miami a couple of weeks ago.
Normally, he gives you a week, not a night.
I know! What night was it? Was it? Monday What was your amazing night with Craig David? Well, we had a gig in Miami and I follow him on Instagram, so I know he lives in Miami.
So I tweeted him, "Do you want to come to our gig?" And he came.
And then we went back to his house afterwards.
What is his house like? White.
Everything is white.
Piano, decks, white microphone.
Sounds like mine except I've got different coloured walls and no piano.
He sang Rather Be to us.
Rather Be is your song.
Yeah, we all kind of sat down, he was like, "Guys, I've got a song for you.
" And he sang Rather Be.
He, like, riffed all over it with his He what all over it? He RIFFED all over it, sorry.
No wonder it is white.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Was that not weird? Did he look you in the eyes and sing it? Yeah, yeah.
Did you get off with him? That's is what I was trying to ask I know, I was helping you out.
but thanks, thanks.
Even though it was a Friday, we were Just kidding.
When he sang Rather Be, Neil, our violinist, he kind of broke down, he was like, "This is the best moment of my life.
" What else has Neil done with his life? He has got a microphone in his house? If it is all white, how can he see where the microphone is? He got attacked by a polar bear yesterday, did you not hear about this? We were DJing on the white decks, it was just quite heavenly all-around.
Are you sure this happened? Are you sure you just weren't looking at a Craig David colouring book? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I've also heard he has to have his teeth browned so he can see them at night to clean them.
These are some of the perils of living in all white house.
I challenge you all to not be thinking of the next white house joke.
Let's all just sit here until one comes.
Then we will take out this gap and look really witty.
Did he come in on a white horse, naked, so it looked like he was floating? I tell you what But the time we take that gap out, that is going to look electric.
Phill, Grace and Rob, who with a banjo string keeps a diary like this? Monday "Fancied buying Marilyn Monroe's piano, "but the auction reserve was 10,000 to 15,000.
"I bid hard and in the end got it for the bargain price of 662,500.
" What colour was the piano? Oh, Craig David! I'm going to give you Tuesday, you're wrong.
Tuesday Can you throw it over to us? Cos we know it.
If they haven't got it by the end of the weekend.
But it is a bank holiday Monday, I'm going out Sunday.
Tuesday "Oh, what a morning, I broke a fingernail.
"Luckily, it only made me an hour and a half late "for my radio interview.
" George Osborne.
It is not George Osborne.
Wednesday "Went to Barrack Obama's inauguration dinner.
"Cheeky bastard didn't seat me at the top table, "so I threw a wobbly and stormed out.
"Michelle O - first lady, my ass.
" Putin doesn't like him, does he? Vladimir Putin.
Does this look like Vladimir Putin's diary? Yes, it does, actually.
Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
"Had some classic sex last night, as usual.
" Oh, classic sex! Beethoven.
Beethoven wasn't at Barrack Obama's inauguration dinner.
"Disaster, had to fly economy.
"Here's a tip if that happens, do what I do - "buy every single seat on the flight.
" Is it a music person? It is.
Welcome to the show.
I'm handing it over, you have had your chances, you lot.
Is it Mariah Carey? HE PLAYS ALL THE DAYS AT ONCE Yes! APPLAUSE You've made your dad proud.
There he is, look at him.
Dad, I got it right! Whoo! That's right, the answer is Mrs Diva wobble thrower, AKA Mariah Carey.
Absolutely bang on.
It looks like your head's getting squeezed into her boobs.
BONGO MUSIC Mariah Carey studied cosmetology so that she would be able to apply her own make-up.
For the same reason, Sharon Osbourne did an NVQ in taxidermy.
Noel's team, we're with you.
Prepare your minds to receive diaristic information with a musical bend.
Who would have a diary like this? Monday "Man, some people have a short fuse.
"I touched Chuck Berry's guitar today and he punched me in the nut.
" I know it already.
Do you? COYLY: Maybe.
In that case, if you are so cocky, I will give you one guess.
If you get it wrong, I'm going to hand it over.
So it is up to you.
What are you saying? Keith Richards.
Well done.
Swing! Tuesday What does it matter? Of course it was Keith Richards.
Bonus points, ladies and gentlemen.
Both teams.
Do we buzz or just? No, you don't buzz, cos you haven't got anything to buzz with.
We've found a button here and we are quite enjoying it.
All right, yeah, fingers on buzzers.
No sound comes out, but I'll try and look.
On the night of the famous Redlands drug bust Yes.
Keith Richards is off his net on LSD.
He has taken so much LSD that when the police arrived, what did he mistake them for? Was it A - items of furniture? Was it B - uniformed dwarves? Or C - visiting dignitaries from Scotland? Buzz! Phil Daniels, Noel's team.
I just wanted to press the buzzer.
Jesus God! A.
What? Oh, sorry, yeah.
What do you think over here? Buzz! Phill Jupitus, Phill's team.
I think it is C - visiting Scottish dignitaries, Rhod.
You press that.
Buzz! Charli XCX, Noel's team.
Well, that seems to cover everything.
LAUGHTER I can tell you now that one of you here in the room is right.
And her father will be very pleased, it is Charlie XCX.
It is B - uniformed dwarves.
Yay! We're killing it.
When police arrived at his Sussex mansion, he believed them to be uniformed dwarves he'd taken so much LSD and Keith Richards welcomed them in with open arms.
In 2008, Louis Vuitton unveiled an advertising campaign featuring Keith Richards, but it backfired when customers said they didn't want a leather bag looking that distressed.
Time now for the Intros Round.
Phill, Grace, you're on for Rob.
Can I apologise in advance? Because I'm going to be absolutely awful.
Rob, if you get this, I will make available to you any sexual favour you want from me.
I am not entirely sure that is an incentive.
I am yours for the night.
If you get this.
Is it hard? Not yet.
LAUGHTER Right, one, two, three, four THEY HUM APPLAUSE This is the bit where I should say one, innit? You don't get anything yet.
You don't get me yet, boy.
I'll come round, I just won't do anything sexual.
A bit of company, innit? Have pizza, watch a film.
That is the way I look at it! What a nice evening we're going to have.
It's nice, innit? Just watch TV.
That'd be nice.
That would be nice.
So it is this for the blow job, yeah? This song was number one for four weeks.
Yes, number one four weeks! No-one cares about that chart anymore.
Some people do! Listen You have to pretend this is a big deal cos it's Grace's bloody song.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is it called Rather Be? You are absolutely right.
Yes! It should have sounded like this.
# MUSIC: Rather Be by Clean Bandit Oh, yeah! I know you are not doing your song anymore, but you are still in this game.
Stand up, please.
OK, let's have your next one, please.
One, two, three, four THEY HUM Is it Everybody Dance? Yeah! APPLAUSE It certainly is, Rob Beckett, and this is what it sounds like.
Music: Everybody Dance by Chic Good work.
Yeah, that baseline.
So good at that.
You get points for that.
That's amazing.
That's a magic skill.
Is that a superhero power? So, that was Chic with Everybody Dance.
Chic originally wrote Le Freak as a reaction to not being allowed into Studio 54.
Similarly, One Direction wrote Come On, Come On when a shopkeeper told them only three school kids were allowed in his shop at any one time.
Noel and Charli, here are yours for Phil.
And remember it is the title of the track I am after, Phil.
Please! Right, OK.
Let's do it.
Oh, it's like the bit at the end of The Jungle Book where Mowgli is with Shere Khan.
LAUGHTER You sit there, I'm going to face you and I'll sit here so it'll be like Life Of Pi.
Cool, yeah.
You're the tiger.
SHE HUMS THEY HUM I'm turning Japanese.
No, but that's a better song.
Justin Timberlake, What Goes Around Comes Around.
What Goes Around Comes Around.
Should have sounded like this.
MUSIC: What Goes Around Comes Around by Justin Timberlake.
Oh, you was perfect.
Nailed it.
Nothing wrong with that, Phil.
The bass was a bit The bass was iffy.
Hey, girl Let's have your next one, Noel and Charli XCX.
You go first.
All right.
SHE HUMS I'll give you everything, Spice Girls.
APPLAUSE No, no, no, no, no, no.
That is not what it's called.
No! Something like that.
Something like that is not good enough.
Grace, I'll handle this.
I will handle this, Grace.
This is Say You Oh! No, no, no, no, no! I will handle this.
I am handling this, Grace.
Please, there's a format to the quiz.
I don't understand what's happening! Jesus Christ, everybody! Everybody, calm down.
Chaos! This is like the Ukraine! LAUGHTER Sorry, sorry.
Hey! I'm handling this, Phil.
I'm handling it.
Grace, you love the Spice Girls, right? I do, yeah.
You were a big fan of them when you were growing up? I was.
You wanted to be in the Spice Girls? Come with me.
You can come and do the intro with these two.
Yeah, Grace! Let's do it! What's happening now? Basically, Grace is going to join your team because she loves the Spice Girls.
She is very passionate.
It's Noel Fielding's Christmas.
Come on, we're doing it.
Phil, it is the Spice Girls.
We got the name of the track wrong.
I'm going to give you one more go with additional help from Grace.
Chatto by name, Chatto by nature.
You're Zippy Spice, you're Tiger Spice, I'm Old Spice.
You ready? Yeah.
SHE HUMS THEY HUM Bong, bong, bong, bong.
LAUGHTER Well done, Grace.
Well done.
She was so good.
I don't know.
Phil, your last go for the name of the track.
SINGS: All the joys you bring us Phil, that's got nothing to do with anything.
Say You'll Be There.
APPLAUSE Should have sounded like this.
MUSIC: Say You'll Be There by Spice Girls During the 1990s, the Spice Girls invented girl power.
I think we should bring it back.
Who wouldn't like to see Posh Spice strapped to a turbine in the Severn Estuary? You two, I guess.
We also heard Justin Timberlake with What Goes Around Comes Around.
Justin Timberlake's first-ever acting job was in Touched By An Angel, a TV drama about what Michael Jackson gets up to heaven.
LAUGHTER And at the end of that round, Phill's team have four but Noel's team - whoo! - have six.
The next round, ladies and gentlemen, is the super exciting identity parade.
Noel's team.
You're first this week.
For the audience only, here are V with Hip To Hip.
# I'm just not in the mood # Need a little bit of this, need a little bit of that # Some chitchat and that's why I'm the dude # Hip, hip to hip, cheek, cheek to cheek # Without you girl the future's bleak # Hip, hip to hip, cheek, cheek to cheek I want you by my side.
And that was V with Hip To Hip but which of our line-up is band member Antony Brant? Is it number one, Hip To Hip? Is it number two, Hip To Hop? Is it number three, Hippie To The Hippie? Is it number four, To The Hip, Hip-hop? Or is it number five, You Don't Stop The Rock To The Bang Bang Baby .
Say, Up Jump The Boogie, To The Rhythm Of The Boogie Beat? APPLAUSE Noel's team, what are you thinking? Well, Phil is getting strong vibes off number five, aren't you? What kind of vibes you getting, Phil? Well, strong ones.
Number five's collar is so massive.
Your collar shouldn't be bigger than your own neck, mate.
Get a smaller collar or a bigger neck.
Hey, leave that line-up alone.
Sorry, mate.
If he wants to wear a big collar, he can.
I think one's got that boy band nose.
The challenge is not to try and build one band member out of everyone else's face.
All right, when I guessed it straightaway earlier you had a little cry.
I'm just going round the houses to keep the quiz going.
I think it is two.
Whoa there, kitty cat! Who do you think? Five? And who do you think? Two? We'll take two away from five.
APPLAUSE Let's find out, we've got another three.
Would the real Antony Brant please step forward? APPLAUSE Bloody hell! Amazing.
I host the quiz and I thought it was three.
Andy Brandt, how are you doing? All right, pal.
How are you? Very, very well.
Still song-writing? I am, yeah.
I'm actually song-writing Aren't you writing some of McFly's stuff now? I helped to write McFly's song Love Is Easy which was two singles on their Greatest Hits.
Ladies and gentlemen, Anthony Brandt from Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thanks, chaps.
Thank you.
Now, Phill's team, there's genuinely a little bit of a problem this week.
This is absolutely gospel.
We had booked the drummer from Bad Manners .
but he got the wrong day.
LAUGHTER We have no line-up for your team but I reckon I can find people in the audience, somebody who has been in a band and I reckon I can find some people who would be willing to stand around them.
I reckon I can improvise and riff it.
Noel, if you could help me.
Yeah, of course.
You take these numbers, one to five, right? Can you put these over your eyes because you're going to see Otherwise you'll see the people I'm bringing down from the audience.
Right, ladies and gentlemen, please help me out.
We need somebody who has been in a band.
We've got one there.
Hello, mate.
This chap here, you're in a band? What was the band called? Dr Zero & The Hotheads.
Dr Zero & The Hotheads.
Round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.
Dr Zero & The Hotheads.
Anyone else? Do you want to come down as well? Anyone else? Any volunteers to do the line-up? Chap at the back there.
Chap at the back, yeah, come down.
So we've got one, two, three, four.
There's hundreds of them.
This chap, one, two, three, four, five.
Listen, we're going to have six in the line-up this week.
Charli XCX's dad.
Hello Charli CXC's dad.
You all right? Do you want to be in the line-up? Yeah! Charli XCX's dad! Very good, very good very good.
Noel, come on.
We've got a bloody line-up.
We've riffed a line-up.
So we've got one, two, three, four, five.
We've got six of you.
Oh, shit.
I've got to do the, "Is number one, is it number two?" I've got to write all that shit.
Hang on a minute.
Phill, you look like a Ninja Turtle.
We have found six people from the audience, one of whom was in a band.
What was the name of the band? Dr Zero & The Hotheads.
It's number four.
Old Sonar Jupitus.
What was your name though? Mine is Ian.
Ian, for the audience only, here is Ian doing his stuff back in the day.
LAUGHTER But which of our line-up is Ian from Dr Zero & The Hotheads? Is it number one Dr Zero? Are we allowed to look? No Yes! LAUGHTER Wait, yeah, I forgot.
Oh, it's like coming out of the cinema in summer.
Is it number one, Dr Zero? Is it number two Dr .
LAUGHTER It's that kind of quick thinking that got me this job.
Is it Dr Three? Is it number four, Dr Shipman? Number five, Dr Zhivago? Or number six, Dr Evil? APPLAUSE You're looking for Ian from Dr Zero & The Hotheads.
When were they active? Normally we get the time when they were gigging.
It's very difficult to ask him now, to be honest.
Let's push you for an answer.
They're going two.
Would the real Ian from Can we have a go? Shut up, Phil! Would the real Ian from Dr Zero & The Hotheads please step forward now, please.
Please, for Christ's sake.
Please, please! APPLAUSE Ian from Dr Zero & The Hotheads.
Ian, what are you doing now? We've got a lot of gigs coming up next year so we're getting the set right, we're getting the songs right, we're getting the band nice and tight and we're ready to rock next year.
Where's the tour happening? UK? World? Where is it? Round Essex at the moment.
LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, Ian from Dr Zero & The Hotheads, I give you.
APPLAUSE And at the end of that round, Phill's team have four and Noel's team have six.
So, we end the show as usual with our quickfire round, Next Lines.
In honour of Craig David, this week it is songs featuring days of the week.
Noel's team.
You are in the lead.
Your time Starts now.
Starts now.
Sunday morning, rain is falling Monday morning having a sex change.
Steal some covers, share some skin.
Sunday Morning by Maroon 5.
It's Maroon 5! Sorry.
We went streaking in the park It was quite fun, wasn't it? Skinny-dipping after dark! Something like that? Last Friday Night by Katy Perry.
I'll give you it as well.
Oh, that's why I'm easy.
Easy like Sunday morning! Shoutiest contestant ever.
Sunday, Monday, happy days.
Wednesday, Thursday, happy days.
No Friday, Saturday, happy days.
Weekend comes, ba-ba-da.
THEY HUM Hey! You were wrong.
It is Sunday, Monday, happy days.
Tuesday, Wednesday.
Not Wednesday, Thursday.
Listen up.
You need five points to win.
We were making love by Wednesday.
I know, on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, we chilled on Sunday.
Seven Days by Craig David.
Absolutely right.
Hello? Is it me your looking for? Yes, this is the Tandoori Palace.
Of course we do deliveries, mate.
We are an Indian takeaway.
Don't you tell me what day it is! I know yesterday was Monday and tomorrow is Wednesday.
I'm not an idiot! Don't you talk to me like that, mate.
Do you want a curry today or what? I know what day it is, pal.
It's Ruby Tuesday! Ruby Tuesday.
I love that.
Ruby Tuesday.
I got that.
Ruby Murray, curry.
Ruby Murray, curry.
So, at the end of the show, Phill's team have a whopping six.
Noel's teams are tonight's winners with eight.
APPLAUSE Thanks to Phill, Grace, and Rob.
APPLAUSE Noel, Charli and Phil.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I have been Rhod Gilbert.
I am of to buy someone and drink and then attempt to have sex with them from Thursday to Saturday, stopping only to watch the repeat of Buzzcocks on Friday .
And when I say stopping, I mean slowing down a bit.
Good night.
APPLAUSE Applause now, you're so fickle.