Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e10 Episode Script

Charley Bagnall, Jake Roche, Kym Marsh, Van McCann and Romesh Ranganathan

1 This programme contains some strong language CHEERING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE CONTINUES Hello! Hello, and welcome to the subtly different, all-new Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
The fun-filled quiz that's packed tighter than Simon Cowell's forehead.
Let's meet the guests.
On Phill's team tonight (SINGS) # Wait on me I know how to love you And I wanna love you some more.
two members of a band who wrote their songs in a caravan.
If you listen carefully, you can hear their manager straining into a chemical toilet in the background.
It's Charley and Jake from Rixton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a comedian and former maths teacher who hated maths so much, during his summer holidays he refused to look at a single number.
He always had to have a Calippo despite really wanting a 99.
It's Romesh Ranganathan.
APPLAUSE And on Noel's team (SING) # You just don't know how it feels to lose # A musician, who says he's terrible in bed but incredible with his hands.
I agree.
The lovely matchstick model of the Severn Bridge he made me more than made up for the dreadful sex we had.
It's Van McCann.
APPLAUSE (SING) # Wherever you go I want to be there Whatever you do And a singer and actor, who's one of Coronation Street's best-paid stars.
Just last year, she took home in excess of nine greyhounds and four cuts of dripping.
It's Kym Marsh.
APPLAUSE What a pleasure! What a thrill it is tonight! So many newcomers to the show.
Hey, Jake and Charley from Rixton.
It says in my notes that you hung up on Justin Bieber's manager.
- That's Yeah, that's true.
- Twice.
- Twice, yeah.
- How did that happen? He called us out of the blue.
We were in a studio in London A very small studio, yeah.
A very small studio.
NOEL: How small? Uh It was probably the size of this table.
Size of this table.
Sure that's not a cupboard? Yeah, it was a cupboard.
We were in there.
He called.
We just thought it was a prank call, and we just hung up.
- Second time on the show, Kym.
- It is, yeah.
I - this might surprise a few people - I am a massive fan of Coronation Street.
Mate, I'm a massive Corrie fan.
Let's have a Corrie-off.
LAUGHTER - I'll go first.
Peter Barlow.
- I love Peter Barlow.
He was an alcoholic in Corrie, weren't he? - Happy days, everyone! Happy Christmas! - Yeah.
LAUGHTER I'm from Llandudno, and he came to Llandudno to do panto, and he got done for drink-driving.
That's good.
LAUGHTER He stayed in character.
LAUGHTER Do you agree with me, though, as a big Corrie fan Do you agree that Kym's character is a miserable shit? LAUGHTER I tried to get a montage of your bits being miserable on Coronation Street, so I could put together a miserable montage, but we couldn't afford it.
Coronation Street literally wanted too much money.
- We couldn't afford it.
- Ohh.
So, I thought I'd put one together myself.
- Kym Marsh, this is your best bits from Corrie.
- Go on.
Oh, God! Oh, no, Steve! Oh, God!! Oh, God, Steve! Oh, Steve! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God, Steve! And I'm only in January of this year.
Oh, God, Steve! That's your best bits, Kym Marsh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Van, you're quite one for cheeky tactics.
At a Kasabian gig, didn't you try and get a demo tape to Serge Yeah.
It's his best mate, so I - I know.
- Got to be careful here.
We went to one of their gigs, and we tried to sneak in as the support band and got lobbed out.
NOEL GIGGLES He walked past.
Tried to give him a CD, and he said, "Nah.
I don't take demos.
" I was like, "Oh, man.
I'm 15.
I'm trying me hardest here," you know? So went to the kind of What they called, when you buy a generator from? - We bought a generator, anyway.
- Shop.
- Yeah, shop.
LAUGHTER We got a load of ninja masks, and we set up in the car park.
- Where'd you get them? That must have been harder to get.
- Yeah.
Wales is like that, to be fair.
They do have shops that sell generators and ninja masks in the same shop.
So what happened, then? You put on your ninja masks? We all put the ninja masks on.
We set the generator up, so when the fire escapes open from their gig, thousands of people start coming out, we started playing in the car park.
My mate was giving CDs out.
We had a car park bouncing.
It started pissing it down.
Our drummer was playing like Dirty Dancing or something.
Rain going everywhere.
He's got a massive afro, so he was shaking it, whipping people with it and shit.
- Did you say your drummer has a big afro? - Big afro.
So did you cut a hole in the ninja mask to fit the afro? - Did it just pop through? - It looked like a broccoli.
LAUGHTER Let's start.
First round is about excuses, and it's called It Wasn't Me.
SONG: # But she caught me on the counter It wasn't me.
# Saw me bangin' on the sofa It wasn't me.
# I even had her in the shower It wasn't bloody me, all right?! Bands are always making flimsy excuses for their behaviour.
Did Weezer blame a poor vocal performance on a high pollen count? Did Steppenwolf disband after they accidentally stood on a wolf? Phill, Jake, Charley and Romesh, it's popular pop polymath protester MIA.
SONG: # All I want to do is GUNSHOTS # And a CASH REGISTER RINGS # And take your money # All I want to do is GUNSHOTS # And a CASH REGISTER RINGS # And take your money # All I want to do is GUNSHOTS # And a CASH REGISTER RINGS # And take your money # All I want to do is GUNSHOTS # And a CASH REGISTER RINGS And take your money.
That was MIA with Paper Planes.
In 2012, MIA performed a half-time show at the Super Bowl, during which she flipped the TV audience the bird.
What reason, though, did she give for her digital discourtesy? I do think it's a mistake, me being here.
Not here, like, on the show.
I mean next to Phill.
I look like Phill in negative or something.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - You used to be a maths teacher.
- I did, yeah.
How did you get into comedy? My dream career is to be a rapper, and I entered, like, - a battle rap competition, and it was at the Scala in King's Cross.
- Yeah? And I got to the final, and I couldn't think I'd run out of stuff to do, so I just came up with this line where I said, "Here I am.
"It's me rocking the Scala.
"Can't deal with the heat of my chicken tikka masala.
" LAUGHTER - I can see the problem with this already.
- Yeah, go on.
Well, it's not a particularly hot curry? Exactly! The weakest of all curries.
"How can I believe anything you say "when you think chicken tikka masala's hot?" I lost the crowd completely.
Because I went, "Chicken tikka masala," I was knocked out immediately, never to rap again.
I had to retire off the back of that goddamn shitty curry.
LAUGHTER Do you know what I've just remembered? You've got some options.
It's multiple choice.
I forgot.
- Oh! - Are you serious?! I will handle this.
I will handle this.
So, was it A, excessive dancing? "I've got cramp in my finger, and you're allit all cramped up!" - Weak.
- Is it B, did she say, "Oh, it was a yoga move"? LAUGHTER C, Janet Jackson told her to do it for publicity? - I'm a big fan of MIA.
- Are you? - She's Sri Lankan - Tamil - right? And that's where my family are from.
My mum wants to love MIA, but cannot get her head around the music at all.
She just goes, "Oh, yeah! I love MIA!" "What song?" "I don't know.
" Let me just bring in the other team.
What are you thinking? Don't give the answer away if you know it.
It's the other team's question, of course.
- What are we supposed to do, then? - LAUGHTER - Exactly! Why are you asking us, then? - Just stare at you.
"What do you think? But don't tell us.
" I just thought I'd invite you to take part in the quiz.
Are we supposed to hold up thought bubbles? LAUGHTER So, anyway, B.
- A, B or C? You're going for B, are you? - Yeah.
- B.
- It was.
You're absolutely right.
Absolutely right.
- APPLAUSE - It was B.
MIA said she was throwing up a spiritual gesture called Matangi.
There she is doing Matangi.
Let's see her at the Super Bowl doing Matangi.
- Exactly the same.
- Exactly the same.
Yeah, cos, when you're in the middle of a gig in front of 120,000 people, you're think, "Fancy a bit of yoga.
" LAUGHTER I've never done a gig in front of 120,000 people.
I've never done yoga.
Have you done a gig to 120,000 people? - We have, yeah.
- 80.
- 80.
- Have you!? - We played Wembley, yeah.
Well, I've done 80, yeah.
- Well, we've done 85.
- Five.
- Have you? - No, we haven't.
No, we did 80.
MIA's politically-charged lyrics caused her to be put on the US Homeland Security Risk List.
And I know how she feels.
I was put on the UK Home Base Security Risk List when I was caught having a dump in one of the show toilets.
LAUGHTER Kym Marsh - .
the Queen eyed you up at the Royal Variety Performance.
- She did.
- What did she do? - She stared at my boobs.
- Did she really? - Yes.
- How long for, like, an hour? What? LAUGHTER Um, well, we did the thing at the end, where you meet the Queen and everything, and I had this really low-cut dress on, and, uh, and she kind of just went "Very well done," and then she kind of stared at my boobs like that, and then Did you say anything? Did you say, "Hey"? Did I say, "Do you want to motorboat me?" LAUGHTER What's motorboating? I think, without involving Kym, if somebody wants to demonstrate? Of course I didn't say anything.
What would I say to her? "Stop looking at my boobs"? You should just say nothing, and then out her on a television show.
LAUGHTER Here's one for Noel's team! It's pint-sized benevo-plum Bono.
Oh, man.
SONG: # I woke up at the moment # When the miracle occurred # Heard a song that made some sense # Out of the world # Everything I ever lost # Now has been returned The most beautiful sound I'd ever heard.
So, that was U2 with The Miracle of Joey Ramone.
In 2011, U2 headlined Glastonbury.
Their appearance received a negative reaction, but what excuse did Bono give for a disappointing performance? We happen to know that it's multiple choice.
LAUGHTER So, we're just giving you the poker face right now.
Was it A, pigeons roosting in the roof of the stage were defecating onto the band? LAUGHTER That's not going to be it, is it? - That happened to Kings Of Leon, so it that won't be it.
- Yeah! One of 'em shat in the bass player's mouth.
- LAUGHTER - Sorry? It's meant to be really lucky, isn't it? LAUGHTER I think it's a fine line, isn't it? If a pigeon shits on your arm, you go, "That's lucky," and so on, but if they shit in your mouth, it's very hard to go, "Oh, lucky me.
" LAUGHTER No, but it's such a difficult target.
Like the arm is easy, isn't it? I don't think the pigeon was aiming for his mouth.
They do aim, though.
In Llandudno, it's mad.
The seagulls and that.
- They don't aim.
- And they swoop you as well.
Sausage roll's gone.
Dinner time at school.
Go to Greggs, come out of Greggs, gone.
- You should be in Greggs at school, should you? - Lunch.
Without making you feel uncomfortable, Kym, in the nicest, sweetest possible way, Van used to fancy you and have a little picture on his - What do you mean "used to"?! - I just told her when - Used to! When I first met her, I came in, and I was, like, "Fancy you.
" I met her boyfriend straight after, and he looks pretty hard.
He's a pretty hard 'un.
He's got whiskers and that, so he looks pretty nuts, so - He's got whiskers.
- He looked pretty hard.
- Is he massive? - He's an actor.
- An actor? - Is he? Oh, you coulda done him.
Pop trumps.
You're a rock star.
"I used to knock one out to your girlfriend.
" LAUGHTER My mum and Dad have got a B&B, and Kym's uncle used to stay in it.
- And he got me a free picture.
- You what? Say that again.
Me Mum and Dad have got a B&B, like, a bed and breakfast.
Where? In Llandudno? Yes, I know what a B&B is, you cheeky fuck.
LAUGHTER In Llandudno, yeah, and Kym's uncle used to stay in it.
- What are the other options, please? - Oh, yeah.
B, did he say the Oxfam signs everywhere were making him sad about Africa? LAUGHTER Well, we're not sure about that one.
Is there any more options? Or is it C, he was wearing the wrong shoes? I do know this one.
Genuinely do know this one.
I think it was to do with something, like, they had a slippy stage or something.
He had trainers on or something.
That's what I think it is.
I heard he fell off the stage that gig.
He got too close to The Edge.
GROANING Thanks for coming, everyone.
LAUGHTER This is why we brought two of them, so one of them could leave after a joke like that.
LAUGHTER What are you going for? Slippy shoes? - I think it's the shoes.
- Shoes? You're going shoes? You're absolutely right.
- Yeah! - APPLAUSE It was the shoes.
Bono said that he walked out, and realised that the stage was like an ice rink and he was wearing the wrong shoes, and couldn't move.
As a kid, Bono was a member of a street gang known as Lipton Village.
It's absolutely true.
It was just him and Ice-T.
APPLAUSE In 2012, Bono attended a performance of the musical Jesus Christ Superstar.
Bono said he enjoyed the show, but criticised the main character's lack of charity work.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Time now for the Intros round.
Phill, Jake and Charley You've got proper envelopes and that.
It's a proper TV show, this, isn't it? LAUGHTER - Right, three of you.
- Let's do it.
- Jake, Charley, Phill.
There are yours for Romesh.
Let's have it.
- Oh, Romesh? - Yeah? Just before you start, I felt because you were so into rap, all of yours are rap.
- Really?! - Rap, hip hop, bass.
- OK.
I don't know this one at all.
You two do.
Crack on.
- You don't know it? You really don't? - I don't know it.
- Are you allowed to do this? - NOEL: Phill's going for a curry.
What's the point of having two extras if I can't nip off? LAUGHTER Look at them two, home alone.
Is it This Is How We Do by The Game? What do you think Van? Come here.
- Van, come and help out.
- The Game featuring 50 Cent? It is The Game featuring 50 Cent, but it's the name of the song we're after.
Uh, This Is - .
How We Do? - This Is How We Do? - I wouldn't give him that.
- You wouldn't give him that? - No.
How can you go to the opposing team?! This is bullshit.
- Do not get on the wrong side of MC Ranga.
- I will bang ya.
LAUGHTER I'm not sure who the victim is in that.
You're quite right.
It is How We Do by The Game featuring 50 Cent.
This is how it should have sounded.
MUSIC: "How We Do" by The Game featuring 50 Cent - NOEL: They nailed it.
- They did nail it, though.
Oh, they nailed it.
Yeah, the boys nailed it.
- You were let down there.
- ROMESH: Oh, fuck off.
I was let down by you.
You were let down? You were let down?! - Let's have your next one, please.
- Oh.
There's no point, is there? - OK, don't want it? - No, I do.
I do.
I do.
HE LAUGHS - Right? - Yeah.
- I know this.
- You said that last time.
Well, I did know it last time, Rhod! Make sure you know it correctly this time.
Is it Wild Thing by Tone Loc? - It is.
- If you go to the other side, man, I will lose my shit.
That's the end.
LAUGHTER It is Wild Thing by Tone Loc.
This is what it should've sounded like.
Well done, Romesh Ranganathan! MUSIC: "Wild Thing" by Tone Loc Did very well, lads.
Tone Loc's distinctly gravelly voice was the result of a childhood tea-drinking accident.
Apparently he had to suck on an ice cube for days.
Ice Cube was furious.
"Are you sure this is good for your throat?" He queried.
LAUGHTER - You also heard The Game with How We Do.
- Whatever, mate.
- Mental.
The Game has the word "stretch" tattooed across his stomach.
I wanted "stretch" tattooed on my penis.
The tattooist got as far as the S and then had to write "tretch" on a Post-it note and stick it to my thigh.
- Yeah, I like that.
- Oh.
You like the fact that I've got a small penis? Oh, we're all on board with that one! - Van.
- Yes, mate.
- Noel.
- Oh.
- They're yours for Kym.
Let's have 'em.
- Ready? Are we going for this? - Yeah.
- How do we do this? (SINGS) # Hey-o # Hey-o Hey-o.
LAUGHTER - I've not got a clue! - I thought that was all right.
It sounds like a Welsh blacksmith singing along to Fanfare For The Common Man.
LAUGHTER Kym Marsh, I'm handing it across.
Don't complain.
No! LAUGHTER - Salute by Little Mix.
- Which one of you is dating one of them? - It's not me.
- You're dating one of them? Which one are you? Jake, pleasure.
You're absolutely right.
This is what it sounds like.
MUSIC: "Salute" by Little Mix KYM: I wouldn't know this.
You wouldn't know this? I don't listen to a lot of Little Mix, to be fair.
Bit too old for Little Mix, aren't I? - No.
- That sounds pretty dark and heavy and that, doesn't it? Just there when you said "dark and heavy", I thought that was our cop show.
Let's have your next one, please.
Oh, beautiful! Beautiful.
- JAKE: From The Exorcist? - ROMESH: I know this.
(SINGS) # I've been cheated by you # Since I don't know when ALL: # Da-da-da-da-da-da # Da-da-da-da-da-da # Just one look one and I can - RHOD: # Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! - # Mamma mia RHOD AND KYM: # Here I go again My, my PHILL: Oh, that's a shame.
It's just called Mamma Mia.
LAUGHTER I think I am going to have to give it to her, I'm afraid.
- Oh, surprise, surprise.
- Oh, there we go.
It is Mamma Mia by ABBA.
Here's what it should have sounded like.
Well done.
Nailed it, mate.
Nailed it.
- Well done.
- Well done.
Won't believe she won.
Didn't she do well.
MUSIC: "Mamma Mia" by ABBA That was ABBA with Mamma Mia.
The first sound you hear on Mamma Mia is a marimba.
The second sound is the crack of your aunty breaking her ankle as she charges towards the wedding dance floor.
LAUGHTER You also heard Little Mix with Salute.
Little Mix used to be called Rhythm Mix, but they had to change the name because a children's music charity had the same name.
I had the same thing with my college band, Dr Barnado and the Dogs Trust.
LAUGHTER And at the end of that round, Noel's team have two, and Phill's team have three! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Round three is the Identity Parade.
Phill, Jake and Charley, and Romesh, you're up first.
For the audience only, here are the Heartless Crew with Heartless Theme.
# Jump in our van, come back to our yard # We're flexing, flexing sexy, go hard # Heartless, gonna do it like # Ha-ha # Original hype # Yeah, yo # We got the vibe, yo # Heartless, we're going to do it right # Original style We got the vibe, yo! That was Heartless Crew with Heartless Theme, but which of our line-up is Bushkin? Is it number one, Bushkin? Is it number two, Pushkin? Is it number three, Pushkin-Comes-To-Shoveskin? LAUGHTER Is it number four, Shoveskin-Goes-To-Punchskin? Or is it number five, Leave-it-Dave-it's-not-worth-it.
LAUGHTER If you were standing up there, Romesh, and somebody rapped in your face, would you be able to hold back, or would you unleash some freestyle shit? I would unleash some tikka masala vengeance, mate.
- Play some rap beats.
- OK.
What I'm going to do is, uh - Holy shit.
- HE LAUGHS They're a lot more terrifying than I anticipated.
Think maths teacher! Think maths teacher! Rewind.
Good luck with this one.
LAUGHTER No! Are you the rapper? Do not vex me.
I like bigger men.
I think you're quite sexy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Anything? - He's not even looking at me, mate.
All right, lover? On your face, you've got a little bit of fuzz.
You look like a Buzzcock, but without the buzz.
Called you a cock, mate.
Buzzcock without the buzz.
Just a cock, innit? LAUGHTER Is that what happens? You have to explain any freestyle raps you're doing? Are you the rapper? To that style, you've committed.
It looks on your head a side-parting has shitted.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He looked at me! He looked at me! Seriously, don't.
If I said you were the rapper, that would be a mistake, cos you ain't got time to rap between your protein shakes.
Ohh! Ohh! He is terrifying! OK, Romesh.
Let's get you back to your seat.
What are you thinking? Well, he gave me the most eye contact.
But he, there's something about that dude.
I'm telling you.
CHARLEY: I used to listen to these guys a lot.
- Indeed so.
You said earlier.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Let's go with Rakdar.
- Let's find out.
Would the real Bushkin please step forward? Here he goes.
APPLAUSE I heard, Bushkin, that - This amused me.
You're releasing a Christmas single? - Yeah.
But it's with my - our - country mate - .
Aled Jones' track.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I got a little take on Aled Jones' tune.
It's going to be my Christmas number one.
It's an alternative one called Snowman, There's Ganja In The Air.
LAUGHTER Buy it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Bushkin.
Give it up.
Noel's team.
Here is yours.
For the audience only, here is a bit of Eurovision.
This is Imaani with Where Are You.
# I would drive through the rain # To find you # Walk the desert plain # Behind you # Unlock these chains Untie me.
That was Imaani with Where Are You, but which of our line-up is Imaani? Is it number one, Imaani? Number two, Pepperaami? Number three, Beef Pastrami? Number four, Taste The Difference Chilli Con Carne? Or is it number five, mince? LAUGHTER - Number three's got nice boots.
- I don't think those are her boots.
- Oh.
- She's just got diamante legs.
LAUGHTER If I tell you that they've got a new album coming out, called Standing Tall.
The album comes out soon.
- It's called Standing Tall.
- OK.
And she's tall.
SHE LAUGHS That was a clue for a four-year-old.
If I was to say tall" LAUGHTER ".
can you see anyone tall?" "If you can, you can have a sweetie!" - Who are you going for? - Number three.
- You're going for number three? Let's find out.
Would the real Imaani please step forward now? Ohh! APPLAUSE I just said it could have been the smallest one.
- You tricked us.
You tricked us.
- I didn't trick you.
- Yeah, you did.
- Imaani's got the bloody album coming out.
- Yeah, you did.
You tricked us.
Haven't you?! You've got Standing Tall.
- How tall are you, Imaani? - I am 4'11".
LAUGHTER - Same height as Prince.
- And Chaka Khan.
- Yeah! See, that was the thing.
Standing Tall.
It was an ironic thing, wasn't it? - Oh, it was an ironic clue? - Yes! - You didn't say that, though, did you? - Of course I'm not going to say it's an ironic clue! - You said, "This is a clue.
" - Imaani, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks very much.
- Thank you.
APPLAUSE So And at the end of that round, Noel's team have two, and Phill's team, whoa, four.
Despite their complaints.
APPLAUSE So, we end the show as usual with our quick-fire round, Next Lines! We've talked a lot about excuses in this week's show, so the theme is songs that feature apologies, blame or excuses.
Yep! Phill's team are in the lead.
Your time starts now.
"I said it's too late to apologise"? - BOTH: It's too late, it's too late.
- OneRepublic, Apologize.
Apologize by Timbaland featuring OneRepublic.
You're right.
"It's a sad, sad situation"? - And it's getting more and more absurd.
- Yep.
- Yes.
Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word by Elton John.
"I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
"I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
" Oh, hang on.
The bird's upside down.
- "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
" - Bird On A Horse? - "Try and catch me now.
" - Horsebird? - What colour is the horse? - White Horse.
- It's a White Horse! Taylor Swift! - CHARLEY GROANS Oh, for - Don't you dare.
- What?! - There's kids watching.
- What do you mean, Taylor Swift? - It was White Horse by Taylor Swift.
- But what's the bird? - Swift! Swift and Taylor the thing around its neck.
- That's the White Horse.
- Yeah? - That's the Swift Taylor.
VAN: Here, push him down again.
Push him down.
All right, son? "Screw you, you Sri Lankan prick.
Your jokes are shitty.
"Your beard and moustache are not even pretty.
" You ever been taken down by a horse, brother?! PHILL IMITATES THE HORSE VOMITING - "Don't blame it on myself"? - Blame it on the boogie.
I like to imagine that's a pantomime horse and there's two Action Men in there.
- Wasted a lot of time there.
- What?! - What, you didn't stop the clock? - Of course not.
I'm not a UEFA referee.
Noel's team.
You need five points to win.
It can be done.
- It can't be done.
- It can be done, Noel.
"Oops, I did it again"? I played with your heart.
I got lost in a game.
Oops!I Did It Again, Britney Spears.
- "I didn't mean to hurt you"? - I didn't mean to make you cry.
I'm just a jealous guy.
John Lennon.
"I'm sorry that I made you cry," but I will give you it.
- Jealous Guy, John Lennon.
- Of course he will.
- Yep, yep.
- Doesn't matter.
What an effort.
And at the end of the show, Noel's team have a whopping four.
Phill's team are tonight's winners with - oh, my God - a monstrous, almost obscene six.
Thanks to Phill, Jake, Charley and Romesh.
Noel, Van and Kym.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
Good night.