Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e11 Episode Script

Yasmine Akram, Steve Aoki, Bobby Mair and Rumer

1 This programme contains some strong language Right.
Hello, and welcome to the subtly different, all new Never Mind The Buzzcocks, the music quiz show that is as entertaining, sir, as catching a man in a kilt trying to hold down a job on a helipad.
Yes.
On Phill's team tonight # I don't want to lose control Is your love too dangerous? A singer who took her stage name from her mother's favourite author, luckily, she wasn't into French literature or she could have been called Balzac.
It's Rumer.
MUSIC: Last Night by The Vamps And a comedian and actor who described her passionate scenes with Sherlock as "lovely and very soft.
" What do you expect from a man called 'Bendi-dic Comfypatch'? It's Yasmine Akram.
And on Noel's team # Out till the sun up Hey, hey, hey, hey He's an internationally famous producer and DJ, Steve Aoki, not to be confused with his sister Kari who just sings in pubs.
It's Steve Aoki.
And the comedian whose third cousin, Justin Bieber, was discovered by Usher.
It runs in the family, Bobby was also discovered by an usher and told to pull his pants up and get out of the cinema.
It's Bobby Mair.
- We have to start with that, don't we? - What? - Justin Bieber's third cousin.
- Yeah.
- But is it true? - Yeah! I wouldn't lie to you just to get on the show.
What does 'third cousin' mean? It means my mom's first cousin is his grandfather.
Wow(!) - Do you know him and stuff, then? - No.
- You haven't met him? I've tweeted at him, but for I haven't got a reply.
Tweeted at him? Quite exciting.
How did you find that out? Sounds like the worst episode of Who Do You Think You Are of all time.
My mom's maiden name is Bieber.
Ah.
So, it really soiled the name, yeah, you know? That's it.
That's the story.
That's the thing, there's no story, I'm just related to someone who a lot of people think is a piece of shit.
That's the story.
You don't have to clap.
I really wouldn't worry about it, Bobby, my mum's maiden name was Hitler, so Well, that's It's never come up on the show before.
Steve Aoki, just reading about your life was exhausting - 300 shows a year, gigs in different countries on the same day, 5 million downloads on your podcasts.
I had to have a Berocca just reading your biog.
Do you cake people or something What? Yeah, it's like part of the show.
It kind of It brings the show another edge, something different.
So what, do you just lob them into the crowd or what? Uh, yeah, I wait for, like, the person with the craziest sign cos usually they bring signs like "cake me" or, like We are going to produce Mr Kipling for you.
- You don't know who Mr Kipling is? - He loves cakes.
Rumer, Rumer, Rumer, man, you've done some shit, in a good way.
Been compared vocally to Karen Carpenter.
- You performed at the White House for Obama.
- I did.
If I was in a room and there is like a couple hundred people there and then Barack Obama was there, I'd just look at him the whole time I was singing.
Yeah, he's really handsome, so, you know, it'sit's natural to try and catch his gaze.
I like the way you said handsome.
Like you're sculpting his head.
"He's really handsome.
" I don't think there's any chance of you getting into a room with Obama, to be honest, mate.
No, I have a trustworthy face.
When you look at my face, you think, "Baby-sitter.
" When I look at your face, I think, "First person to get killed in a horror film.
" Look at this team, though.
Look at the three of us.
I feel normal for once.
We look like the extras in a heroin den.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Like a stonemason who's been given a bulk order for crazy paving, let's get cracking.
This round is all about music videos and it's called Blurred Videos.
# All right, talking about getting blasted I hate these blurred Videos.
I know you want it.
My fascinating visage will 'voyage' around the screen.
It will disappear to reveal a looped section of a music video, one chunk at a time.
All you've got to do is name the song and the artist.
Phill, Rumer, and Yasmine, here's yours.
Are you sure this is a pop video? It's like a meringue window cleaner.
Sold more than 33 million albums and singles.
- Most successful Danish band ever.
Rumer? - Yeah? - You want to see a little bit more? - Yeah.
Oh, that's helpful(!) Is it ABBA, but they've moved to Denmark? After ABBA, it's the most successful sort of eurodance.
- Show us another bit.
- Final section.
- Is iterm Argh! - Come on.
- Argh, what's the name? They did Barb - Aqua.
- Aqua? - Let's see if you're right.
- It's Aqua.
- MUSIC: Barbie Girl by Aqua It is! Of course.
Yeah, bloke pretending to be gay to get near women.
There, right there.
It is, of course, irritating eurodance, urinal cakes Aqua with Barbie Girl.
Lene from Aqua used to be the wheel turner on the Norwegian version of Wheel of Fortune.
She's not the only music star to get their break on game shows.
Sinead O'Connor was originally Mr Chips on Catchphrase.
Simon Cowell's haircut used to be a box on Deal or No Deal.
Peter Andre started out as one of the blanks on Blankety Blanks.
Here's one for Noel's team.
Remember, it's the name of the artist and the song we need.
That's a skinny arm.
It's one of our lot.
I could tell you this, if the singer's fans joined hands, they would wrap around the world four times.
That can only mean two things, you've got a lot of fans or they got bloody long arms.
Can we have another look through the steamed up peephole? You want another one? Oh, that's helping(!) Oh, wow, we know that they have all their limbs.
Now, I know it's one person.
Can we have our last clue? You can have your last clue.
- Oh! - It's a woman! - Do say that every time you realise it's a woman, Bobby? - Yeah! Do you sometimes wake up, throw back the duvet and go, "It's a woman!"? - It's Shakira.
- Shakira is right, but I need the song as well.
Uh, She Wolf.
Boom! - Yes! That's all right.
- Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! It is Colombian canis lupus Shakira with She Wolf.
Shakira's music teacher once said that her singing sounded like a goat.
Shakira was furious and ate his briefcase.
And at the end of that round, two points, two points.
- Yasmine? - Yeah.
- Massive Wham! fan by all accounts.
- Yes, I love Wham!.
I think that they should be celebrated more and listened to constantly.
- You would cry if you met George Michael, it says.
- Yes! And you'd get genuinely upset when he gets in trouble in the news.
I was at a party once and he lived next-door and we threw sweets at his window and he appeared at the window and said, "Hey, you can use my pool if you want.
" And we all jumped over the fence and got in his pool and then he came down in Speedos with a baseball cap on and sunglasses on going I was on a lot of drugs, but I'm sure that's what happened.
- So jealous.
That's my dream.
- I know.
- Exactly that.
Woken up by Noel with sweets? He had a powerful moustache as well.
He had a Haribo stuck in it, but you know.
- Wait, who's this George Michael guy? - George Michael, Bobby.
He's a band, right? PHILL: Sing him something.
# I'm never going to dance again Guilty feet have got no rhythm Yeah, but no-one ever listens to that song.
Yes, they do, Bobby.
They do.
That's a song you hear on the radio and change the station.
No, you don't.
You listen to the whole way through and you have a little cry and you think about your life.
That's what you do.
All right.
Time now for the round that is as exciting as watching a man with haemorrhoids trying to hold down a job as a space hopper tester.
It's the Intros Round.
Phill, Rumer, here are yours for Yasmine.
Remember, Yasmine, it's the title of the song - OK, title of the song.
- .
.
that I'm looking for.
- OK.
THEY HUM THEY CONTINUE HUMMING If you get this, Yasmine, I'm going to give you a point and a biscuit because I've got in front No, because I've got in front of me and I don't recognise it.
- Can I have a hint? - You might as well just say any old shit.
- Oh.
Nobody knows what it is anyway.
- Just say anything and I'll give you a point.
- Oh, uh David Bowie's favourite song The Man on the Moon.
I just gave you pretty much a free point there.
All you had to do was mention a song and you couldn't.
- I'm handing it over.
- I got this one.
Candle In The Wind, Diana's funeral version.
- Cos that is a song, you can have a point.
- Yes! The answer was Earth, Wind & Fire with Fantasy.
- AUDIENCE: Yeah! - What, did you get it up there? - He knew it.
- Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a special guest, Earth, Wind & Fire are in tonight.
It should have sounded like this MUSIC: Fantasy by Earth, Wind & Fire I tried to do that bit.
I did try and do that bit.
That was the They never play this on Radio 2.
Then they go straight into FANTASY CONTINUES TO PLAY - I thought that sounded just like that.
- Yep.
Oh, I only know it when the singing comes in.
Yeah, that is the problem with the Intros Round.
Hands up who got that in the audience, honestly.
- That bloke got it with the deep voice.
- Ten points each.
Let's have your next one then, please.
THEY HUM Come on, Yasmine Akram.
WhiteLines? Yes, indeed.
It is White Lines (Don't Do It) Grandmaster Flash and Melle Mel.
This is what it sounds like.
Good work.
You did very well there.
MUSIC: White Lines (Don't Do It) by Grandmaster Flash and Melle Mel You also heard Earth, Wind & Fire, Fantasy.
Over the years, Earth, Wind & Fire have had 60 band members come and go.
In fact, original member Maurice White is one of the only rock stars ever to have overdosed on leaving cake.
Noel, Steve, here are yours for merry Bob.
Why thank you, Rhod.
- Bobby Mair, you got beaten up on stage once.
- Did you? Yeah, a man punched me in the face a lot.
The audience just watched, which made me think maybe the gig wasn't going as well as I thought it was.
And then one of my friends came and pulled him off and Good work.
Yeah, yeah.
- That's definitely a way to calm him down.
- Yeah.
Take it away, guys.
THEY HUM - Easy.
- THEY CONTINUE TO HUM Come on, Bobby.
- Come on, Bobby.
- OK.
Uh What are you thinking of when you hear that and I'm grabbing my hair? Having sex with you from behind.
It's braided, though, so you must've got bored and just started plaiting it.
In all honesty, you've got to try a bit harder, Steve, cos you're not as interesting as I thought you would be.
I can see why you got punched now.
What are you thinking? Come on, it's an easy one.
If You're Happy And You Know It? I don't know any music! - Think of your name.
- Bobby! - OK.
- Short and Bobby.
- Bobby, now think of like sperm or big, blue ones.
- The whalers.
- Ooh! - Yes! So, we've got Bobby and The Whalers at the moment.
- I know there was a band and it was somebody and The Whalers.
- Yeah.
But I don't know their name, so that doesn't help us at all.
Ebenezer Scrooge's business partner.
Oh, oh, my good friend Jacob And The Whalers.
Jacob and The Whalers.
It's time to go over to the other team.
Rumer has it.
- I think it's Could You Be Loved.
- BOBBY: Adele! This is how it should've sounded.
MUSIC: Could You Be Loved by Bob Marley & The Wailers This is how it did sound, to be fair.
Right, I don't hold out much hope for the next one.
MUSIC CONTINUES Could you be loved.
I've never heard this song before.
I wish he was joking.
Let's have your next one, please.
This is a tough one, but you might get it cos you're so weird and this is kind of a weird band.
I'm weird now because I don't have musical knowledge.
Let's make it a harder for Bobby.
- Let's blindfold him with the envelope.
- OK.
You ready? All right.
THEY HUM If I get put in the trunk of a car, I'm going to be sad.
THEY CONTINUE TO HUM - Oh, wait! - BOBBY HUMS ALONG Man, this looks like a school production of The Wizard of Oz, this.
- I don't know.
- You DO know it, Bobby.
For God's sake, everyone knows this.
Shut up! Is that Yasmine? Is that Yasmine yelling at me? Just cos you know Benedict Cumberbatch doesn't mean you can be mean to me.
If it wasn't Yasmine, I'm apologising for that comment.
I'm handing it across.
- It is Money by The Flying Lizards.
- It is indeed Money by The Flying Lizards.
Absolutely right.
Phill Jupitus steals the point.
This is how it should have sounded.
MUSIC: Money by The Flying Lizards That's what I want.
SONG CONTINUES That's what I want.
Yeah, Round Three is the Identity Parade.
Phill, Rumer, Yasmine, here's yours.
For the audience only here is Linda Lewis with Shoop Shoop, (It's In His Kiss).
# Is it in his eyes # Oh, no, you'll be deceived # Is it in his eyes # Oh, no, you'll make believe # If you want to know # If he loves you so # It's in his kiss # It's in his kiss # Yeah, yeah, and that's where it is # It's in his kiss It's in his kiss.
That was Linda Lewis with Shoop, Shoop (It's In His Kiss).
Which of our line-up is Linda Lewis? Is it number one, in his kiss? Is it number two, in her eyes? Is it number three, in her hair? Number four, in the way she eats spaghetti? Or is it number five, in the judge's closing statement? What are we thinking, Phill's team? It's number two, but - It's number two.
- How do you know that? Cos it's Linda Lewis.
Um OK, let's see if you know all their names.
Let's just cut to the chase Rhod Gilbert and let's have a chat with Linda Lewis, number two.
- Come on, Rhod! - Rumer, what are you thinking? I thought it was number two as soon as she walked out - cos she looked like a star.
- She's sexy.
She did a little kind of a wiggle when she was coming out.
I'm telling you now that if I asked number one to be sassy, she could turn it on, but Sass it up, number one.
See? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Five, sass me up some.
WHISTLES AND CHEERS - OK, Phill.
- What? - You have been very, very confident that it's number two.
OK, but one of our line-up is Linda Lewis' sister.
- EVERYONE GASPS - RUMER: Five.
Number five.
- Number five, you are going for? - Yeah.
- Rumer, you're going for number five? - Yes.
- Let's see if Rumour has it.
Would Linda Lewis please step forward first? Whoa! Would Linda Lewis' sister please step forward next? - Ah! - Whoa! - The new album coming out, Linda, Hampstead Days? - Yeah.
And a tour next spring? - Yeah, going back to my roots with just my guitar and - Acoustic.
.
.
a little bit of funkiness.
I'll tell you what I'm interested in, though, - you've got a book coming out - Mm-hm.
.
.
which you describe as not a kiss-and-tell, more a cuddle-and-tell.
That's it.
What is the name of this cuddle-and-tell book? I haven't decided yet.
- Can I suggest, The Cuddle Sutra? - Cuddle Sutrahm.
Ladies and gentlemen, the legend Linda Lewis and her sister Pat Lewis.
And the rest of our Linda Lewises.
Give it up.
Noel's team, here's your ID parade.
For the audience only, The Clash, Should I Stay Or Should I Go.
- # This indecision's bugging me - Indecision me molesta - # If you don't want me, set me free - Si no me quieres, librame - # Exactly whom I'm supposed to be - Dime, que tengo ser # Don't you know which clothes even fit me? # Sabes que ropa me quedar - # Come on and let me know - Pero tienes que decir Should I cool it or should I blow? That was The Clash with Should I Stay Or Should I Go, but which of our line-up is Clash drummer, Terry Chimes? Is it number one, clash? Number two, nasty rash? Is it number three, who needs a slash? Number four, is bishop's bin bashed? Or number five, why, hello, Clarice.
What are you thinking, Steve? Remember The Clash? Oh, I love The Clash! London Calling What do you mean do you remember The Clash? - .
.
top ten albums of all time.
- Yeah.
Five looks like a butcher.
Three looks like Steve Buscemi if things didn't work out.
One looks like, just because of the outfit, he kind of looks like he's in a porn prison uniform.
- Yeah, I think it's four.
No.
- No way, no way.
Bobby, you can't play in this game.
Oh.
We love you, but you've got to be quiet now.
I know lots of music.
You can come to work with daddy, but daddy's working now.
Simultaneously cute and sinister, that.
If I tell you now that Terry is now, I presume, Dr Terry Chimes.
He's a chiropractor.
I've just been slightly obsessed with The Clash lately, so I do know who it is.
We know, don't we? - The number two.
- Me and you know.
- It's number two.
- It's number two.
- You're saying number two.
Would the real Terry Chimes please step forward? Hey! You've always dreamt of being a musician and a doctor or either one or the other? When I was a kid, I was interested in medicine, health, disease, that sort of thing and then I discovered girls and thought, "Maybe, rock drummer versus "vet, you know? We'll go for the drums.
" And then switched after 15 years of music.
I don't know, if you find a girl with a really bad back There's plenty out there.
I know that Phill is too shy to ask, but for an early Christmas present for him and for all of us probably would you join Phill's team for the final round? Come and join us, come and join us.
I've got a drummer's stool for you What end would you like to be? Steve, we talked earlier about how your fans see it - as a genuine privilege to be caked - Oh.
Oh.
- .
.
by you.
One of our remaining ID line-up is a massive fan of yours who would literally see it as a privilege to get caked, so let's play Steve Aoki's Cake You Roulette.
I have to pick if one of them is one of my fans? Yeah, and we've got a cake.
Oh, man! One of those guys is a fan of yours.
If you get it right, one of your biggest fans ever - is going to get the night of his life.
- So I If you get it wrong, you're going to disappoint a fan and probably get the shit kicked out of you by by someone who doesn't even know who you are.
I don't want to do it on national television, you know? One is definitely not my fan.
One is definitely not.
I didn't do anything! That wasn't me.
I never do the ambush cake.
Have some respect for the host of the show, Steve(!) - Steve, he runs the show(!) - Have some respect, Steve.
- It's his show.
- It looks cool, though.
Steve, if you hit him so hard you put his back out - You're sorted.
- You get up there, Steve.
Let the force be with you.
Who is beckoning you with his eyes? Oh, hallelujah! - OK, one? - AUDIENCE: One.
- Three? - AUDIENCE: Three.
You? Over hereover here we cake like this Let's take a picture.
Of course, it was hard.
You're supposed to just rub it in like that over here.
Awesome, man.
Unbelievable.
Right, all good fun and fortunately NOEL: Three's got to go to hospital.
Let's see a replay for crying out loud.
Would the real Steve Aoki fan please step forward? AUDIENCE GASP Oh, no! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We end the show as usual with our quick fire round, Next Lines.
In honour of my terrible back problems and having Dr Terry Chimes with us, we are going to do songs featuring the word "back".
Quick fire.
"Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it" - "I just want you back for good.
" - Absolutely right.
Back For Good by Take That.
"You go back to her" "And I'll go back to black.
" Back To Black by Amy Winehouse.
Uh Right.
Hey! - Dr Chimes, Dr Chimes.
- Hello.
- Baby, Come Back.
- Absolutely right.
It is Baby, Come Back by UB40.
- Noel's team, you need three.
- It can be done.
- Three for three.
- Three points to win.
- You better let me handle this, guys.
- Let's do this.
- Bobby is all over this - Yeah.
.
.
like a warm flannel.
"Back in black" - AC/DC.
- It is AC/DC, but what's the next line? - "I hit the sack.
" - Yes! Bobby! Oh-wei, oh-wei, oh-wei, oh-wei.
- OK.
It's ait's a - A basset hound dead.
HE SCREAMS AND CRIES No! What? BALLOON INFLATES No, Sausage! Sausage! - LOUD POPPING SOUND - Oh, oh! Sausage, come back.
Sausage was coming back, but he's just burst.
Sausage is back.
It's a miracle! He's alive.
Sausage is alive.
I am so lost here.
- Back To Life.
- Yes! Soul II Soul.
- Oh! Back to life.
Bobby, very good.
"If I could turn back time" If I could find a way.
Yes, yes.
I can't believe what just happened.
Oh, yeah, you nearly killed a guy with a gateau, but the show's weird(!) So, ladies and gentlemen, at the end of the show, Phill's team have a whopping six and Noel's team are tonight's winners, ugh, seven.
Thanks to Phill, Rumer, Yasmine, and Dr Terry Chimes.
- Noel, Steve, and Bobby.
- We came back.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
Terry has offered to take me back to his house and bend me over a table.
Should I stay or should go? Tune in for our Christmas show next week.
Thank you very much.
Good night.