Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e12 Episode Script

Christmas Show

1 This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - WHISTLING - Yes! Hello.
Hello, merry Christmas.
Welcome to the subtly different all-new Christmas Never Mind The Buzzcocks AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND CHEERS .
.
the music quiz show that's more fun than keeping a vicar chatting for 40 minutes outside Ann Summers.
Let's meet the guests.
On Phill's team tonight I get jealous but I'm too cool .
.
a pop mogul who says he hates cliches.
Week after week, he makes the X Factor his own.
He's a real person, he's the judge to beat, he's what the X Factor is all about.
It's cliche-free, walking cliche Louis Walsh.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it And a Welsh comedian who hails from the town that gave the world Anthony Hopkins, Richard Burton and Rob Brydon, all eyes are on Port Talbot for the next big star but, in the meantime, here's Lloyd Langford.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And on Noel's team # Kisses for breakfasts Early in the morning Love me, touch me She's a young singer from Bradford who flew all the way to Kingston to film her first music video.
Jamaica - of course it was, I'm not talking about Kingston Upon Thames.
It's Melissa Steel.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Born running Running out of time And a former Sex Pistol who some say was fired because he liked the Beatles, the very same excuse Charles Darwin gave when he was caught having it off with a ladybird.
It's Glen Matlock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How splendidly festive you all look.
Louis, you look absolutely wonderful.
I don't know what the bloody hell you are but you look beautiful.
- I'm Yoko Ono.
- Of course you are.
- A young Yoko.
- A young Yoko.
- Glen? - I'm supposed to be John Lennon, yes, but I think I'm going to be the cockney John Lennon tonight.
- Melissa? - I'm from the East 17 music video.
Their Christmas hit is it Stay Another Day? - HE LAUGHS - "Is it?" It looks good on you.
I'm definitely taking this.
That's a hard look to pull off, a giant, fluffy hood.
Yes, I feel so sorry for you.
It must be very difficult to sit there pulling off that bloody look.
It's actually really comfortable.
It's like pulling off the Mariah Carey look.
You look like Benedict Cumberbatch in drag.
LAUGHTER Got an embarrassing clash of costumes there, you two.
- No, not at all.
- It was one of those things when they phoned up, - "Who do you want to be?" and we both said the same thing.
- Yeah.
Like when your mum doesn't want two little boys to fight, and they go, "All right, "I'll dress you both up as Roy Wood from Wizzard.
" - Look at Lloyd Langford there on the end.
Look at him.
- Yep.
Angelic.
Who have you come as, Lloyd? I'm undercover for Operation Yewtree.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Tonight's show is packed tighter than a Christmas turkey.
Literally, I have managed to stuff the whole show into this yuletide ass.
Hey, steady.
HE EXERTS GRUN Right, the whole show is stuffed in this turkey's ass, you'll be glad to hear.
Let me just grab my cards for Round One.
There we go.
Now, then.
Like a Christmassy Damien Hirst, my turkey's bum is fit to burst, so let's kick off with the round that's first, it's called Sleeve Right Now.
- # Think I better - Sleeve.
- .
.
right now.
# Our first round is all about the weird world of album covers.
Do Daniel Bedingfield albums always feature a bloke called Daniel in bed in a field? Do Garbage album covers always have a picture of Westlife on the front? LAUGHTER - I'm waiting for the defence.
- No.
I'm about to show you some unique album covers from some very obscure artists.
There are keywords missing from the album.
Your job is to guess the missing word or words from the album.
So, Christmas At The 'something.
' Christmas At The Localised Cream Man's House.
No, I can't give it to you.
Christmas At The Psychiatric Wing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I can tell you that this album sold a whopping 100 copies worldwide.
Christmas At The Wet-Look Gel Research Centre.
What do you reckon we'd see if we panned out a bit further? Children's shoes.
Yes, that's right, Noel, he's a children's shoemaker.
We all love a children's cobbler.
He's also the front man of a heavy metal band called Alestorm - Oh, right.
- .
.
from Perth in Scotland, right.
I quite like the fact that he's in a metal band and then, at Christmas, he goes SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I'm putting on my white suit "and making a Christmas album.
" "But I'm not ironing it.
" "I wear it with creases in, you bastards.
" I can't give it to you, I'm afraid you're wrong.
The answer is .
.
Christmas At The Organ.
- LAUGHTER Wow.
- Hey.
I'm actually glad we can't see below the waist.
Let's have your next one.
'Something' For Christmas by Richard D Curtin.
Is it, I Tried To Time Travel, My Tree Was In The Other Pod And I Got In The Other Pod And We Fused? - It's about an A-cup girl - Yeah.
- You're bigger than an A, darling.
- LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH .
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who asks St Nicholas for bigger boobs for Christmas.
That gives you everything you need to know there, honestly.
- Tits For Christmas.
- Tits For Christmas? - Yes.
- No.
- Breasts, knockers, bangers.
- No, no.
- Fun bags.
- No.
- Greatest Tits.
- Yes! - It was Boobs.
Boobs it was.
Boobs.
- Oh.
- I was thinking Dogging.
LAUGHTER Just imagine a load of sexually-frustrated lorry drivers on the M25 going, "This one over here is dressed as a tree.
" "See if we can find a knothole.
" OK, next one.
- Jim Post, I Love My - Power shower! I Love My Rat So Much I Let Him Sleep Under My Nose.
I Love My Shoulder Waterfall.
From the Innovations catalogue, the shoulder waterfall.
He's had his arse slapped, it says here.
Arse slapped by Janis Joplin.
Jimi Hendrix tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I've heard you're a pretty talented guy.
" I Love My Life.
I Love My Life is absolutely right.
Phill Jupitus, take it away.
I love my life.
APPLAUSE Let's have your next one, then.
- A 'something' Christmas.
- Wow.
Practical.
- You're on the right lines.
- Disappointing.
A Serial Killer's Christmas.
Is it the Carpenters? - Ah! - That's good.
- That is good.
That's quality that is.
- Very literal.
All the songs on the album are played on power tools.
- Yeah, Tool Box This Christmas.
- Oh, you're very close! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Ooh, A Tool Box.
- A Tool Box Christmas it is, absolutely right.
- Yes! - Yes.
A Tool Box Christmas.
Let's have your next one.
Let's have your next one.
LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
Is that just me, or is that a young Stephen Fry on the right? AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE What I like about this is these freak shows you keep putting on the screen here, Louis is not in any way fazed.
A parade of nonsense he has to endure - on a weekly basis - Yes, yes.
.
.
and I'm just talking about the people you sit with.
Is it Hairdressers Use Me? LAUGHTER It says they're called The Faith Tones.
Something to do with God? - Ooh.
- No? CONFERRING - Whoa.
- Go on, try that.
- Ah, Jesus Use Me.
Boom, you are right.
Good logic.
APPLAUSE At the end of that round, Phill's team have 1, - Noel's teamooh - 34! - .
.
2! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Before the show, we asked our guests, "What would you like for Christmas?" Melissa, we asked you what you'd like for Christmas, and this amused me - "ã1 million," you said.
- Yeah.
Then you can buy pretty much Well, not everything but pretty much whatever you want.
If you had more than ã1 million, you could buy even more.
Yeah, why didn't I say a billion? Glen, what did you say you wanted for Christmas? I said I wanted a bit of peace and quiet.
I've had such a busy year, I could sit down with Right, sorry to bother you.
LAUGHTER What's the rest of the year like for an ex-Sex Pistol? Rocking and rolling, playing all round the world.
Yeah, it's cool.
Why should I tell you? Mind your own bloody business.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Lloyd Langford, you don't believe in Christmas.
Lloyd was expelled from school for not believing in Christmas.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS I wasn't expelled from school, I was the only person in the class - that didn't believe in Father Christmas.
- Voila.
And I told the other children.
Oh, you horrible man.
I was like a Richard Dawkins in my primary school.
Louis Walsh said he wanted a one-way ticket to Mars.
- Yeah.
- Are you unhappy, Louis? What's wrong? What's happened? I'd like to see it.
I'd like to see the place.
Why wouldn't you want to come back? I would buy a cheap return because it just makes more economic sense.
If you get there and you change your mind, - you have to buy another single.
- Yeah, I know.
Are you, Louis Walsh I read something the other day that said - you are not doing any more X Factor.
- Did I? I said that last year too.
I say that every year.
I've had 11 years, Rhod.
I've had 11 years.
It's been really good.
What was your favourite year? Last year.
Was it? Yeah, we had great fun.
What about Jedward? ALL LAUGH I like Jedward, they were on my team.
They were delightful boys.
They ate a whole box of Celebrations before they came on and they were out of their fucking minds .
.
for the rest of the day.
Do you still keep in touch with them? No, no.
No? No, no, no.
No.
Really?! No.
I imagine you've got a seesaw in your garden and they're the on it all day.
"Whee, Louis!" Are you a fan of the old Jedward, Glen? I No.
- Are you still managing them, Louis? - No.
No, no, no.
LAUGHTER Musical differences.
- Musical differences? - They wanted to write their own songs.
They had a handler with them.
Yeah, it's a wrangler, a whisperer.
Who left them alone in the room with you and he went, "Boys, boys.
"Boys, boys.
To me, to me.
Listen to the man.
" Do you know what he said? He said, "We keep these shut and we keep these open.
" ALL LAUGH Time now for the Intros Round.
Phill and Lloyd, here are yoursfor Louis.
- Oh.
- You're guessing, Louis.
- I hope I get invited to the judge's house.
- Yeah, we THEY LAUGH - I'll do the bells.
- Yeah.
- That's Christmas songs.
- And then you do the neighing.
And then we'll get into it, yeah? This is like an audio-book version of the song.
- # Chin chin chin chin chin chin - LLOYD NEIGHS # Chin chin chin chin chin # BOTH: Ba-bam bam, ba-bam bam, ba-bam bam, # Ba-bam bam, ba-bam bam, ba-bam bam, Bam bam bam bam bam.
- It's a Christmas song? - Yes, it is, Louis Walsh.
It's not Mariah, is it? All I want For Christmas.
- No.
- Give me a clue.
- Host.
- Traditionally we pass it across.
Glen's coming in.
- Glen's got it.
Coming in for a steal.
Come in, Glen Matlock, Sex Pistols.
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.
No.
- Aaah, but it didn't half sound like it.
- That did, didn't it? Sleigh Ride.
It is Sleigh Ride.
It is, boom! This is what it should have sounded like.
MUSIC: Sleigh Ride by Ronettes Well done.
OK, here's your next one.
- # Da da da # - Not now, not now, babe.
LAUGHTER Choir it up there, son.
# Diddly diddly dee PHILL WHISTLES # Diddly diddly dee # Diddly diddly dee PHILL WHISTLES # Diddly diddly dee Oof.
# Diddly diddly dee PHILL WHISTLES # Diddly diddly dee # Do do.
Do do Rockin' Robin? APPLAUSE It is Rockin' Robin.
It is Rockin' Robin! LOUIS LAUGHS This is what it should have sounded like.
MUSIC: Rockin' Robin by Jackson 5 # Tweet, tweet Tweet tweet At the time of his death, Michael Jackson was working on an album with Will.
i.
am which will now never be released.
Every cloud, eh? You also heard the Ronettes with Sleigh Ride.
The Ronettes were perhaps most famous for Be My Baby, a British low-cost airline based at East Midlands airport.
LAUGHTER The Ronettes' album was released on the same day as John F Kennedy's assassination, everyone remembers where they were that day.
Well, apart from John F Kennedy, obviously.
THEY LAUGH - Noel - Hello.
.
.
Melissa, here are yours for Mr Glen Matlock.
- Cool.
- Take it away.
- Let's do it.
- Let's have some intros.
- Right - OK.
- One, two, three, four # BOTH: Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum # Bum bum bum bum # Bum bum bum bum # Bum bum bum bum Bum bum bum bum bum bum.
Oh, I've got it.
- # Simply having - Yeah.
- .
.
a wonderful Christmas time.
# It was Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney.
This is what it should sound like.
That was very good.
Very good.
MUSIC: Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney He did technically say it.
Like he sung the song.
- Yeah, it's not bad, is it? Did you give it him? - I gave it to him.
The mood is right - OK, let's have your next one.
- Ready? - Yeah.
- # Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom - Ooooo-oo-ooh, oo-ooh, oo-ooh - # Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom - Ooo-oo-ooh, oo-ooh, oo-ooh Bom, bom, bom, bom.
- It's nice.
- Is it Mud? - It is Mud.
Lonely This Christmas? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Absolutely right, Lonely This Christmas by Mud.
This is how it should have sounded.
MUSIC: Lonely This Christmas by Mud And it did.
Killed it! LAUGHTER MUSIC DROWNS OUT CHA You heard Mud with Lonely This Christmas.
In 1972, Mud nearly split up when they had no money to repair their tour bus.
Similarly, in 1998, the Vengaboys nearly split up when, three weeks in a row, I placed a brick on the accelerator of the Vengabus, set it on fire and pointed it towards a cliff.
You also heard Paul McCartney with Wonderful Christmas Time.
Paul McCartney played the Olympic opening ceremony for just ã1, a nominal sum for contractual purposes.
It's thought to be the lowest fee since Blue's agent did a four-album deal for a sip of someone's 7-Up.
- You were asked to play the opening ceremony, I understand.
- We was, yes.
What put us off was we heard that The Who were asked to play and somebody at the committee said, "Oh, actually, can you make sure that Keith Moon does it?" HE LAUGHS And it kind of didn't make us feel that they was on the case somehow, so we said no.
Cos Keith Moon was no longer with us, you see.
I know, but with CGI as it is, we could have had him.
We could have had him, yeah.
And at the end of that round, Phill's team have 3 - and Noel's teamooh - 42! - .
.
4.
- APPLAUSE Not bad.
- 4.
And the next round, ladies and gentlemen, is the Identity Parade.
Phill, Louis and Lloyd, you're up.
For the audience only, here's a bit of Christmas pop.
It's X Factor contestant and people's favourite Mary Byrne, otherwise known Do you remember, Tesco Mary? # Siuil Leat SHE CONTINUES TO SING IN IRISH GAELIC Know your dreams be tossed and blown That was Mary Byrne singing It's an Irish bit - Louis, how do you pronounce it, 'shiuil life'? - 'Shiuil la'.
Siuil Leat, it's Gaelic, yeah.
- What does it mean, siuil leat? - It's Irish.
LAUGHTER Which of our line-up is Mary Byrne? Is it number one, Siuil Leat? Is it number two, Elfie Goulding.
Is it number three, Paul McCra-cartney? Is it number four, Elkie Crooks? Or number five, Spruce Forsyth.
I think that number three had a number one with Do The Bartman.
Yeah.
It's not number three and it's not number five.
Do you want to hear them sing - before you make that kind of confident call? - Yeah, please.
- Can they sing for us? - Let's hear them sing.
Number one, Tesco Mary.
And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day.
Oh, he's good.
LAUGHTER Is it number two? And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day.
HE LAUGHS Sorry, I spoiled that by laughing.
It could be, it could be.
Is it number three? And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day.
Let's hear you, number four.
And the bells were drinking out for Christmas Day.
He's not actually on the X Factor now, sweetheart.
HE LAUGHS This is the wrong show for that shit.
- You've got a pervert, a choirboy - And me.
- .
.
and Cher now.
LAUGHTER Or is it number five? You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot LAUGHTER The amazing thing is, we haven't dressed up number five at all.
Phill, freeze Jedward back-to-back.
- Do you want to hear them again? - No, I don't.
- What do you think? - The only hope we have is the Reverend Walsh here.
- Reverend Walsh? - Who Come on.
- Come on, Louis.
- It's one or two, I can't work it out.
Has this just deteriorated into a game where Louis is trying to remember someone he knew in the past? Louis's next question is, "Can I bring them both out "for a 20-minute chat?" - What are you going for? - I'm going for number two.
Number two.
Let's see if you're right.
Would the real Mary Byrne step forward? - Break out, break through.
- Whoa! I want to break free APPLAUSE I want APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH - Thank you.
- Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, number one.
Just finished touring, recording a new album in January.
- I am.
- But, the big news, come on.
The big news is that we've entered in a song for the Eurovision because it has been my dream for years but, if we get it or not, we don't know.
The best one we hope goes through.
Louis, are you going to take Mary Byrne through to Eurovision - and beyond? - I'm going to talk to her, yeah.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Mary Byrne.
Good luck.
- Thank you.
APPLAUSE - Noel's team.
- Right.
- Here's yours.
Right, here we go, team.
For the audience only, here is a bit of fun-packed festive floating with Walking In The Air.
# We're walking in the air # We're floating in the morning sky # The people far below Are sleeping as we fly That was Walking In The Air, sung beautifully by Peter Auty for the film The Snowman.
But which of our ID parade is star of The Snowman, the Snowman? Is it number one, Snowman? Is it number two, Snowballs? Is it number three, Snow Point In Washing? Is it number four, Snow Us Where You Live? - Or number five - AUDIENCE: Aw! .
.
Death.
LAUGHTER That is upsetting.
Yeah, this looks sad.
I had a similar experience to the little boy in The Snowman.
I had a night out with a snowman, frolicking about, and he melted and I was quite thirsty, so I drank him.
Two days later, 20 snowmen knocked up and went, "Where's Big Steve?" I said, "I drank him.
" They said, "That's out of order.
" I said, "All right, look, I'll piss him back out "and you can refreeze him.
" But I'd had a Berocca.
So it was sort of golden.
He got a bit cocky.
I said, "I alsoI ate his nose.
" It was a carrot.
They went, "That wasn't his nose, mate.
" LAUGHTER What is number four about? That is a Freddy Krueger Snowman.
Yes, it is.
Looks like The Invisible Man to me.
Yes, number four looks very, very creepy right now.
Number four goes out fisting people in the night.
Number three is the first homeless Snowman.
Ah, he's a snowbo.
Number one has got a wasting disease.
He's got Snowbola.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's have your answer now.
I think it's number two.
Let's see if you're right.
Would the real Snowman please step forward? Whoo.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, it is the real bloke in the real costume.
Noel, take a walk around the studio.
Have a magical walk around the studio.
MUSIC: Walking In The Air by Peter Auty - Aw, he's trying to walk! - I don't think he can go that fast.
Have a magical walk.
No! No! Oh, no.
Noel! Noel! Noel! AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE Snowman, what are you up to now? Is there a white vinyl version of The Snowman coming out soon? When's it coming out, Snowman? Christmas.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE Snowman, would you mind joining little Lloyd Langford on our panel for the rest of the show? Cos I know that he would love to have you there with him.
One of your old victims.
Oh, my God.
APPLAUSE This looks like a Grindr date that's gone badly wrong.
Thank you very much to our other snowmen.
Can we have the homeless one? APPLAUSE At the end of that round, Phill's team have 3 but Noel's team have a whopping 5.
APPLAUSE I can't believe it.
You get to get the real Snowman, we wanted the homeless one but he's gone to have sex in a skip.
So, we end the show as usual with our quickfire round Next Lines in honour of Christmas.
The theme is the Nativity.
So it's songs including any of the following - God, Lord, Jesus, a saviour, Mary, virgins, anyone called Joseph, donkeys or asses, cattle lowing or, otherwise, birth generally, hay, wise men, inns, innkeeper, shepherds, crooks, gold, frankincense, myrrh, guiding stars and/or mangers.
I'll just get my questions.
Oh, my God! Noel's team.
Hello.
You're in the lead, so you go first.
Your time starts now.
"When I come to call, she won't forsake me" She's never been that interested.
I'm loving angels instead.
I'm loving angels instead.
Angels, by Robbie Williams.
Absolutely right.
"Baby, I can see your halo.
" It stinks.
Can't give you, "It stinks.
" It's, "You know you're my saving grace.
" Halo by Beyonce.
- Oh! - Oh, ooh! - Queen.
- Oh, no, everybody.
Right.
SHOUTS ANGRILY: Oh, man, it's a God Oh, God, this bloody lizard is having me good and proper.
But wait, who's this? Get off, lizard, you bastard.
- Ooh! - Who is that, though, that's hurting the lizard? - Is that Zeus? - Zeus, isn't it? Zeus.
Laurence Olivier - Zeus.
Is it Laurence Olivier protects the Queen from a gecko by Zeus? I think I can see what he's driving at.
God Save The Queen.
- Yeah - It is God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols, well done.
"What if God was one of us?" It wouldn't really make sense.
LAUGHTER - APPLAUSE - "Just a slob.
" .
.
like one of us.
Right, Snowman, Lloyd, Phill, Louis, your time starts now.
- "I made it through the wilderness.
" - Take it, Snowman.
You're absolutely right.
"Somehow I made it through," is right.
Like A Virgin by Madonna.
Don't know where he pulled it from but he's got it.
"Wise men say only fools rush in.
" I Can't Help Falling In Love With You.
Yes, I Can't Help Falling In love With You by Elvis and UB40.
"I'm wishing on a star.
" "Follow where you are.
" Have it.
I'll make your Christmas present.
"I'm beautiful in my way.
" Not as such.
"Cos God makes no mistakes.
" Born This Way by Lady Gaga.
Argh, let's have some disco music.
D-I-S-C-O Wait.
Stop! Stop.
Who did that? - I know.
- Who did that? Come on, I'm going to call the police.
Murder On The Dance Floor.
It is Murder On The Dance Floor.
APPLAUSE Murder.
Murder On The Dance Floor.
Well done, Lloyd.
Well done, Lloyd.
So, the final scores are Phill's team have 7 but Noel's teamooh, also have 7.
- Oh, my God.
What?! - Also have 7.
APPLAUSE What?! - It's a lovely draw.
- Yay! - A lovely draw.
A lovely draw.
AUDIENCE CHEERS That's it.
Thanks to Phill, and Louis, and Lloyd, Noel, Melissa, and Glen, and The Snowman.
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I hope you have the best Buzzcocking Christmas you've ever had.
- Good night.
- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING AUDIENCE CHEERS