NewsRadio (1995) s03e05 Episode Script
Halloween
Okay, now, I talked to Payroll.
If you get your time sheets in on Tuesday, they can get you your paychecks-- Excuse me.
I'm looking for Jimmy James.
He's in there.
Where was I? BETH: Uh, you said somethin' about payroll, or-- Right, yes, uh the people in Payroll say if you get your time sheets in on Tuesday, they can-- Jimmy James? Uh, he's in there.
Uh They'll get you your paychecks out on the Thursday instead of the Friday.
So if you get your checks in on the-- Uh, Jimmy James? Oh, uh, he's right in there.
Thanks a lot.
Is there any coffee around here, anywhere? Yeah, over there.
I thought you guys weren't allowed to talk.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm off the clock right now.
Hey, guys, listen, anybody see a mime wandering around in here? He's right over there.
Thanks.
What's going on in there? I'm just getting together some last-minute entertainment for the big Halloween party tonight.
Oh, hey! Yeah, I really have no idea what you're trying to say, but, uh, I got a meeting in 20 minutes.
Can we, uh, hurry this up? What, uh What party is he talking about? The Jimmy James Incorporated Halloween party.
It's tonight.
Oh, right, that.
Yeah, yeah.
I missed that last year.
Was it a good party? Excellent party.
Open bar, lavish buffet, helicopter rides.
You know what? I won the costume contest last year.
I won third place.
Really? What was your costume? Uh, motorcycle enthusiast.
Gay biker.
The label on the costume clearly said "motorcycle enthusiast.
" Yeah, thanks, uh-- Thanks a lot, guys.
Appreciate it.
Uh-huh, really good.
Thanks.
DAVE: Okay Beth, would you stop tickling me, please? I'm not tickling you.
Find everybody you needed? Yeah, except the mime wouldn't shut up.
Is there some kind of mime authority I can report him to? Stop it! What? I'm not tickling you.
Excuse me, are, uh, you done with the snake yet? I thought you took it.
No, I left him with you.
[GIGGLING.]
Seriously, stop tickling me.
What? Oh! [.]
Well, I don't think I've seen people this excited about a Halloween party since the fourth grade.
Yeah, well, an open bar really rekindles that childlike enthusiasm.
Hey, hey.
Hey, where is the party this year? Oh, it's right upstairs.
The, uh, penthouse banquet room.
Didn't you get your invitation, Bill? Actually, no, I didn't.
Oh, I-- Well, I can explain that.
You didn't get your invite because, uh you're not invited.
[LAUGHS.]
JIMMY: And neither are you.
Or you, or you, or you, or you.
In fact, nobody from WNYX is invited except for my little motorcycle enthusiast here.
Happy Halloween, everybody! So anyway, i-i-if you get your time sheets in on Tuesday, uh, they say they can get you your-- Your-- Your-- Your paychecks out Thursday instead of on, uh Oh, all right.
I'll go talk to him.
No, no, no, no.
Standard, uh Standard chimpanzee'll do just fine.
Huh? Oh, well-- Well, I-I want him there so people can, you know, pet him and take their picture with him, and maybewrestle a snake.
Huh? Hello? BOTH: Sir, why aren't you inviting any of the staff to your Halloween party? Lisa, I can handle this.
I mean, these people work very hard for you.
Matthew doesn't work very hard.
Matthew's invited.
See, that's right.
Just when you think I'm gonna zig, I zag.
Well, sir, when you're done with your zigzagging-- That's when I zog.
BOTH: Are you just trying to save money? Dave, I can handle this.
JIMMY: Kids, kids, kids.
It's not about money.
See, every year I throw a wild Halloween party, right? And every year, the staff of WNYX nearly ruins it for me.
Well, how exactly do they do that? Well, they-- They-- They don't get into the Halloween spirit.
They're-- They're too hip to wear costumes or bob for apples or do my special, spooky version of the hokey-pokey.
But, sir, we wear costumes.
Oh, yeah, right.
Like Joe, walking around on his tiptoes, saying he's Joe's taller brother.
That doesn't count.
That doesn't count as a costume.
It's conceptual.
What about Bill? Last year he went as Guy Without Socks.
[LAUGHING.]
Right.
I actually thought that was pretty funny.
Didn't you? Let's face it, these kids are too cool for school.
I don't think I'm too cool for school.
Then why no costume? Because costumes make me look chunky.
No, they don't.
Well, why don't you just, you know, wear a funny hat.
Well, no, no, no.
Hats of any kind just emphasize how out of proportion my head is to the rest of my body.
DAVE: What? [JIMMY LAUGHS.]
Wear a mask with what you're wearing now.
No, I hate what I'm wearing.
DAVE: You look terrific.
Look, this outfit makes my legs look totally short and stumpy.
She's crazy.
Oh, I know.
[KNOCKS.]
Yes? Can I help you? Uh, I'm the psychic.
Mr.
James hired me for his Halloween party.
JIMMY: That's me, honey.
Go right on up to, uh, 44.
Wait a minute.
Don't I-- Don't I know you? Well, you might.
You're Wait a minute.
I know you, I know you.
Oh, God! You're the psychic with the infomercial, right? That's right.
[GASPS.]
Now, have you tried my special hotline? Well, like, a million times.
I called it a million times till they blocked the 900 numbers, which is a total drag.
Yeah, well, a lot of offices are starting to do that now.
How did you know I was calling from an office? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Do a reading on me, please.
I beg you.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Psychic reading.
Come off it.
That stuff is such a scam.
Oh And I suppose the Authentic Alien Autopsy tape you have is stone-cold reality.
First of all, that tape has been examined and verified by a panel of experts, okay? And second, the tape's called: Authentic Alien Autopsy Bloopers, so you don't even know what you're talking about.
Well, that woman is actually one of the leading authorities in the field of psychicismology.
Do you actually believe in fortune-telling, Bill? Yes, as did Socrates, Julius Caesar and Napoleon.
It is the wisest man who knows that there is much he does not know.
I know.
Now, just sit down.
Let me hold your hands.
Everybody be quiet, shh.
Shh, shh, shh I see your destiny as one of wealth.
I see an astounding rise to fortune.
It'll begin very soon.
[GASPING.]
Oh, my God.
Is that true? Yes, that is completely true, because I was just pre-approved for a new credit card.
Oh, my God.
That's like Oh, my-- That's amazing.
Do-- Oh, please, please! Do Matthew.
It's amazing.
Shh! Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh [CLEARS THROAT.]
Aw, you're a cat person, aren't you? Such a cat person.
You see? You have two cats.
Yes, I do.
And their names are Uh, let's see Uhthey're cute, silly names.
Oh, no, that-- No.
I'm sorry.
It's way off.
Names are Chew-Chew and Mitt-Mitt.
Nice try, though.
Matthew, you're just not receptive to this woman's gifts.
Observe, skeptics.
You just might learn something.
All right, sweet spirit what does the future hold for Bill McNeal? And remember, we're among doubters here, so make it specific.
Hmall right.
Ahon March 8th2032, at 4:20 p.
m.
, you will die.
You see? Come again? March 8th, 2032, at 4:20 p.
m.
That's when you'll die.
I'll dye my hair? No, I mean die as in death.
Your body will cease to live.
Pretty specific, huh? Ha! Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Well, that sucks for you, huh? Apparently, Mr.
James thinks we have bad attitudes.
He thinks that we're too cool for school.
School sucks.
Maybe so, Joe, maybe so.
Right, Dave? Ah, maybe so.
Maybe so, but the point is-- The point is, we deserve to go to this stupid party, and if that means putting on a dumb costume and dressing up, then that's-- JOE: Come on, you're missing the point of Halloween.
LISA: Which is what? Sitting in the corner, making fun of all the dorks wearing costumes.
Okay, all right, this is just like high school.
In high school we all liked sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria, right? That's right.
Yeah.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Everybody here got to sit at the cool table? What was that like? It was cool.
But now it's time to move beyond cool.
Beyond cool.
Who's the coolest person in the office? Beth.
Beth.
LISA: Okay.
Beth.
Mm-hm? You know you're cool no matter what people think of you, right? Yeah.
And isn't coolness something that comes from the inside, regardless of what's going on outside? Again, yeah.
Okay.
You're so cool, you're not afraid to put on a costume-- No way.
Me neither.
Okay, now hold it.
I think Lisa's point is actually very eloquent.
Thank you.
So that means you'd be willing to put on a costume-- CATHERINE: Don't even think about it.
Okay, let me ask you another question: who's the most uptight person in the office? ALL: Dave.
What? That's right, Dave.
But tonight, Mr.
Uptight here is gonna out-cool you all.
How? Tonight, Dave is going to put on the stupidest, most outrageous, dorkiest costume you have ever seen, because he is so cool, he doesn't care if anybody thinks he's a dork.
[MURMURS OF APPROVAL.]
LISA: Yeah.
Now, are you gonna let King Dork outdo you? No way! I don't think so! What in the hell are we waiting for? Let's go get some costumes.
Let's do it.
[GIGGLING.]
We did it.
[SIGHS.]
Not gonna rush out and get a costume, Bill? Well, maybe you didn't hear I'm terminal.
I'm gonna die, and that's that.
No, I didn't hear.
What's wrong? Well, I only have The psychic said I'm gonna die one week after my 82nd birthday.
Oh.
Well, if there's anything I can do to make your remaining 36 years more comfortable Thanks.
Could you get me a cup of coffee? No, no.
But I'll call the Make-A-Wish people, see if they can help you out.
I don't know.
It's just, Dave and Lisa put it all in perspective for us.
Is that a fact? Yes.
Yeah, we're gonna be the coolest dorks ever.
All right.
Dorks, dorks, dorks, dorks, dorks, dorks, Yeah! Go, yeah! ALL: Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Uh-huh.
Yeah! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! I don't really know what happened there, Dave, but, uh, good job.
Well, it was-- It was Lisa, mainly.
But it was you-- When you promised to wear the most outrageous costume in recorded history, I mean, i-if that's not leadership by example, I don't know what is.
Least I could do.
Yeah! Mm-hm.
It's gonna be wild! Oh, the wildest.
Outrageous! Totally outrageous, yeah.
What is it? Oh, I'd rather surprise you, sir.
Goddamn! This is-- This is gonna be great! Uh-huh.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Uh, guys.
Guys.
Guys? If you want the elevator to move, you have to, uh push a button.
Dorks Dorks, dorks, Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! [.]
JIMMY: Hey! You guys look great! Okay, let me-- Let me guess.
Uh, alien autopsy coroner.
Uhlittle devil.
Yeah-- Oh! Pretty ballerina! Queen of England? Gay construction worker.
No.
No, ac-- So-- So, what are you, Jimmy? Huh, me? Oh, I'm-- I'm one of those dead guys from The Field of Dreams.
Great.
Hey, where's-- Where's Dave? Oh, I don't know.
I bet he chickened out.
Oh, come on-- Where's his leadership by example I was talking about, Lisa? Well, I am wearing a costume.
DAVE: Oh, so am I.
Go ahead, have a good laugh.
That's my dress.
DAVE: Yes, it is.
Oh, honey, you look fabulous.
You're wearing my dress.
Yes.
If you ever wanna work parties, I know a guy who could hook you up.
Thanks, no.
He's wearing my dress.
Boy, oh boy, Dave, I never realized you had such long, slender legs.
Okay, let's go in, everybody.
[PARTY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Isn't this a wonderful night? So I assume you realize the psychic's death prediction was a load of crap, huh? Nope, I've just come to accept my imminent death.
And to be honest, I've met a woman who's really opened my eyes.
Really? Yes, she's wonderful.
I just met her an hour ago, and already she's made me see that there's a lot more to life than fear.
Oh, wow.
Could we meet her? But of course.
Dorothy.
Everyonemeet Dorothy.
But you're wearing-- Yes! I am wearing your dress.
We have established the fact that I am wearing your dress.
What is the problem? You're wearing my dress.
You know, uh I saw you sitting here and, uh Well, I-- I'm a guy.
I'm a mime.
Yeah, well, I just keep telling him: it doesn't matter how old you are.
It's how much life you have in you.
BILL: So true.
But what are we doing standing around? My lady and I need to dance.
Oh, I don't know, Billy.
I've got a rod in my hip that acts up.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, nonsense.
Maestro, if you please! Rump-shaker, or some reasonable facsimile.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
All right, all right.
I'm in love.
What's wrong with that? How old is she, anyway? A gentleman doesn't ask such questions.
Rough estimate.
Really, really old.
It doesn't matter how old you are.
It's how much life you have in you.
Bill, she's old enough to be your grandmother.
Don't be ridiculous.
My grandmother is dead.
Dorothy, on the other hand, is very much alive.
No offense, Bill, but I think that woman is running on fumes.
So am I.
So are we all.
That's why tonight, we dance! DAVE: What is wrong? It is just a costume.
It's no problem.
Go away, please.
Look, would you wait up? All right.
I think I know what the problem is.
No, you don't.
Yes, I think I do.
It's about that whole leadership by example thing, isn't it? No.
You made a power play in front of Jimmy, to prove you're a better leader than I am, and now you feel one-upped.
No, Dave, that's not it.
Well, then, what is the problem? The problem is, you look better in my dress than I do.
What? You do! I have never been able to wear that dress 'cause I couldn't pull it off, and now you look like a million bucks.
No, I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at the most $150 on Ninth Avenue.
I'm sorry.
It's just that, it just Just hangs so perfectly off your shoulders, and your head looks just exactly the right size-- Pleasedon't hate me because I'm beautiful.
See! What? Yes, you know it.
Oh what? You think you're so pretty, and all the boys wanna talk to you.
What? I mean, how do you think this makes me feel? Well, how do you think it makes me feel to realize at 30, that I'm much better-looking as a girl? I guess you're right.
You have a much bigger problem on your hands.
Well, I gotta get out of this dress.
No, you can't take off the dress.
What? You can't.
If you take off the dress now, everyone will know that I was jealous, and they'll think I'm crazy.
But you are crazy.
But they don't have to know that.
Can you please leave the dress on? All right, what the hell.
I am the belle of the ball.
More like party slut.
Jealous.
Miss, I want to thank you for changing my life.
Oh, no problem, but I'm actually in the middle of a reading-- Knowing that my days are numbered has given me a whole new perspective on things.
Well, that's great.
Now, please, I'm busy.
And I've met a wonderful woman.
I've never been happier.
Do you mind? Not at all.
I feel fantastic.
Colors seem brighter now.
Hey, I have an idea.
I'm gonna give you another reading.
Oops, I made a mistake.
You are going to die at 4:20 p.
m.
, March 8th, 2232.
I'm going to live to be 282? Yep.
I foresee a cure to all known disease.
Maybe a pill you take.
I don't know.
Anyway, I'm busy.
What's the matter, my sweet? We need to talk.
You know, Dorothy, if you were a younger woman, I'd probably lie to you.
What is it, Bill? How do I put this? Our relationship doesn't work for me anymore.
But, Bill, what about living each day of your life as if it were your last? Well, that sounds good to you because you're You see I just found out, I'm going to live nearly forever.
You understand what I'm getting at? That makes our relationship just a little: But thank you so much for our time together.
Goodbye.
Well, you know, I actually do think that, uh, Dole has a point about the moral bankruptcy of the mass media, but I really don't think he's getting that point across to the public.
Now, if you could get your paw off my ass.
Thanks.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing? Feeling better? Yes, I am.
I'm sorry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this? The Ellen DeGeneres Show? No.
Look, look, aren't you a little, uh uncomfortable in that thing? I was a little uncomfortable, but I went to the men's room and adjusted my hose.
Pantyhose.
Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha.
Lisa, I wanted to congratulate you for getting the staff all whipped up.
I mean, if that isn't leadership by example, I don't know what is.
I mean, Dave, here could learn a thing or two from you.
If I could draw your attention to how I'm dressed.
I mean, if this isn't leadership by example, I really don't know what is.
Well, yeah, but it was my leadership that got you into the dress.
Nonetheless, I'm still in the dress-- Regardless, regardless, regard-- There is still one thing left that's gonna require some heavy, heavy-duty leadership.
What? What is it? I cannot believe Dave and Lisa are doing the hokey-pokey.
[CHUCKLING.]
I like watching them out there all alone.
I can't believe I forgot my video camera.
So this is what it's like sitting at the cool table.
Oh, yeah, this is it.
Oh, baby, I could get used to this.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
Look at those dorks.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Let's give him a big hand.
Best animal costume.
[APPLAUSE.]
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for gayest costume.
[CROWD CHEERS.]
[LAUGHING.]
I'm just kidding.
That's not actually a category.
Uh, the category: best overall costume.
And the runner-up is WNYX's own Dave Nelson.
BILL: Dave, come on up here.
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS.]
Show the people what you really look like, Dave.
There you go.
[CROWD WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS.]
Exquisite! That was our runner-up.
And the winner of best costume overall DorothyJohnson.
[CROWD CHEERS.]
Dorothy, show us what you looklike Uh [CROWD CHEERS.]
[.]
[.]
If you get your time sheets in on Tuesday, they can get you your paychecks-- Excuse me.
I'm looking for Jimmy James.
He's in there.
Where was I? BETH: Uh, you said somethin' about payroll, or-- Right, yes, uh the people in Payroll say if you get your time sheets in on Tuesday, they can-- Jimmy James? Uh, he's in there.
Uh They'll get you your paychecks out on the Thursday instead of the Friday.
So if you get your checks in on the-- Uh, Jimmy James? Oh, uh, he's right in there.
Thanks a lot.
Is there any coffee around here, anywhere? Yeah, over there.
I thought you guys weren't allowed to talk.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm off the clock right now.
Hey, guys, listen, anybody see a mime wandering around in here? He's right over there.
Thanks.
What's going on in there? I'm just getting together some last-minute entertainment for the big Halloween party tonight.
Oh, hey! Yeah, I really have no idea what you're trying to say, but, uh, I got a meeting in 20 minutes.
Can we, uh, hurry this up? What, uh What party is he talking about? The Jimmy James Incorporated Halloween party.
It's tonight.
Oh, right, that.
Yeah, yeah.
I missed that last year.
Was it a good party? Excellent party.
Open bar, lavish buffet, helicopter rides.
You know what? I won the costume contest last year.
I won third place.
Really? What was your costume? Uh, motorcycle enthusiast.
Gay biker.
The label on the costume clearly said "motorcycle enthusiast.
" Yeah, thanks, uh-- Thanks a lot, guys.
Appreciate it.
Uh-huh, really good.
Thanks.
DAVE: Okay Beth, would you stop tickling me, please? I'm not tickling you.
Find everybody you needed? Yeah, except the mime wouldn't shut up.
Is there some kind of mime authority I can report him to? Stop it! What? I'm not tickling you.
Excuse me, are, uh, you done with the snake yet? I thought you took it.
No, I left him with you.
[GIGGLING.]
Seriously, stop tickling me.
What? Oh! [.]
Well, I don't think I've seen people this excited about a Halloween party since the fourth grade.
Yeah, well, an open bar really rekindles that childlike enthusiasm.
Hey, hey.
Hey, where is the party this year? Oh, it's right upstairs.
The, uh, penthouse banquet room.
Didn't you get your invitation, Bill? Actually, no, I didn't.
Oh, I-- Well, I can explain that.
You didn't get your invite because, uh you're not invited.
[LAUGHS.]
JIMMY: And neither are you.
Or you, or you, or you, or you.
In fact, nobody from WNYX is invited except for my little motorcycle enthusiast here.
Happy Halloween, everybody! So anyway, i-i-if you get your time sheets in on Tuesday, uh, they say they can get you your-- Your-- Your-- Your paychecks out Thursday instead of on, uh Oh, all right.
I'll go talk to him.
No, no, no, no.
Standard, uh Standard chimpanzee'll do just fine.
Huh? Oh, well-- Well, I-I want him there so people can, you know, pet him and take their picture with him, and maybewrestle a snake.
Huh? Hello? BOTH: Sir, why aren't you inviting any of the staff to your Halloween party? Lisa, I can handle this.
I mean, these people work very hard for you.
Matthew doesn't work very hard.
Matthew's invited.
See, that's right.
Just when you think I'm gonna zig, I zag.
Well, sir, when you're done with your zigzagging-- That's when I zog.
BOTH: Are you just trying to save money? Dave, I can handle this.
JIMMY: Kids, kids, kids.
It's not about money.
See, every year I throw a wild Halloween party, right? And every year, the staff of WNYX nearly ruins it for me.
Well, how exactly do they do that? Well, they-- They-- They don't get into the Halloween spirit.
They're-- They're too hip to wear costumes or bob for apples or do my special, spooky version of the hokey-pokey.
But, sir, we wear costumes.
Oh, yeah, right.
Like Joe, walking around on his tiptoes, saying he's Joe's taller brother.
That doesn't count.
That doesn't count as a costume.
It's conceptual.
What about Bill? Last year he went as Guy Without Socks.
[LAUGHING.]
Right.
I actually thought that was pretty funny.
Didn't you? Let's face it, these kids are too cool for school.
I don't think I'm too cool for school.
Then why no costume? Because costumes make me look chunky.
No, they don't.
Well, why don't you just, you know, wear a funny hat.
Well, no, no, no.
Hats of any kind just emphasize how out of proportion my head is to the rest of my body.
DAVE: What? [JIMMY LAUGHS.]
Wear a mask with what you're wearing now.
No, I hate what I'm wearing.
DAVE: You look terrific.
Look, this outfit makes my legs look totally short and stumpy.
She's crazy.
Oh, I know.
[KNOCKS.]
Yes? Can I help you? Uh, I'm the psychic.
Mr.
James hired me for his Halloween party.
JIMMY: That's me, honey.
Go right on up to, uh, 44.
Wait a minute.
Don't I-- Don't I know you? Well, you might.
You're Wait a minute.
I know you, I know you.
Oh, God! You're the psychic with the infomercial, right? That's right.
[GASPS.]
Now, have you tried my special hotline? Well, like, a million times.
I called it a million times till they blocked the 900 numbers, which is a total drag.
Yeah, well, a lot of offices are starting to do that now.
How did you know I was calling from an office? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Do a reading on me, please.
I beg you.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Psychic reading.
Come off it.
That stuff is such a scam.
Oh And I suppose the Authentic Alien Autopsy tape you have is stone-cold reality.
First of all, that tape has been examined and verified by a panel of experts, okay? And second, the tape's called: Authentic Alien Autopsy Bloopers, so you don't even know what you're talking about.
Well, that woman is actually one of the leading authorities in the field of psychicismology.
Do you actually believe in fortune-telling, Bill? Yes, as did Socrates, Julius Caesar and Napoleon.
It is the wisest man who knows that there is much he does not know.
I know.
Now, just sit down.
Let me hold your hands.
Everybody be quiet, shh.
Shh, shh, shh I see your destiny as one of wealth.
I see an astounding rise to fortune.
It'll begin very soon.
[GASPING.]
Oh, my God.
Is that true? Yes, that is completely true, because I was just pre-approved for a new credit card.
Oh, my God.
That's like Oh, my-- That's amazing.
Do-- Oh, please, please! Do Matthew.
It's amazing.
Shh! Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh [CLEARS THROAT.]
Aw, you're a cat person, aren't you? Such a cat person.
You see? You have two cats.
Yes, I do.
And their names are Uh, let's see Uhthey're cute, silly names.
Oh, no, that-- No.
I'm sorry.
It's way off.
Names are Chew-Chew and Mitt-Mitt.
Nice try, though.
Matthew, you're just not receptive to this woman's gifts.
Observe, skeptics.
You just might learn something.
All right, sweet spirit what does the future hold for Bill McNeal? And remember, we're among doubters here, so make it specific.
Hmall right.
Ahon March 8th2032, at 4:20 p.
m.
, you will die.
You see? Come again? March 8th, 2032, at 4:20 p.
m.
That's when you'll die.
I'll dye my hair? No, I mean die as in death.
Your body will cease to live.
Pretty specific, huh? Ha! Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Well, that sucks for you, huh? Apparently, Mr.
James thinks we have bad attitudes.
He thinks that we're too cool for school.
School sucks.
Maybe so, Joe, maybe so.
Right, Dave? Ah, maybe so.
Maybe so, but the point is-- The point is, we deserve to go to this stupid party, and if that means putting on a dumb costume and dressing up, then that's-- JOE: Come on, you're missing the point of Halloween.
LISA: Which is what? Sitting in the corner, making fun of all the dorks wearing costumes.
Okay, all right, this is just like high school.
In high school we all liked sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria, right? That's right.
Yeah.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Everybody here got to sit at the cool table? What was that like? It was cool.
But now it's time to move beyond cool.
Beyond cool.
Who's the coolest person in the office? Beth.
Beth.
LISA: Okay.
Beth.
Mm-hm? You know you're cool no matter what people think of you, right? Yeah.
And isn't coolness something that comes from the inside, regardless of what's going on outside? Again, yeah.
Okay.
You're so cool, you're not afraid to put on a costume-- No way.
Me neither.
Okay, now hold it.
I think Lisa's point is actually very eloquent.
Thank you.
So that means you'd be willing to put on a costume-- CATHERINE: Don't even think about it.
Okay, let me ask you another question: who's the most uptight person in the office? ALL: Dave.
What? That's right, Dave.
But tonight, Mr.
Uptight here is gonna out-cool you all.
How? Tonight, Dave is going to put on the stupidest, most outrageous, dorkiest costume you have ever seen, because he is so cool, he doesn't care if anybody thinks he's a dork.
[MURMURS OF APPROVAL.]
LISA: Yeah.
Now, are you gonna let King Dork outdo you? No way! I don't think so! What in the hell are we waiting for? Let's go get some costumes.
Let's do it.
[GIGGLING.]
We did it.
[SIGHS.]
Not gonna rush out and get a costume, Bill? Well, maybe you didn't hear I'm terminal.
I'm gonna die, and that's that.
No, I didn't hear.
What's wrong? Well, I only have The psychic said I'm gonna die one week after my 82nd birthday.
Oh.
Well, if there's anything I can do to make your remaining 36 years more comfortable Thanks.
Could you get me a cup of coffee? No, no.
But I'll call the Make-A-Wish people, see if they can help you out.
I don't know.
It's just, Dave and Lisa put it all in perspective for us.
Is that a fact? Yes.
Yeah, we're gonna be the coolest dorks ever.
All right.
Dorks, dorks, dorks, dorks, dorks, dorks, Yeah! Go, yeah! ALL: Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Uh-huh.
Yeah! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! I don't really know what happened there, Dave, but, uh, good job.
Well, it was-- It was Lisa, mainly.
But it was you-- When you promised to wear the most outrageous costume in recorded history, I mean, i-if that's not leadership by example, I don't know what is.
Least I could do.
Yeah! Mm-hm.
It's gonna be wild! Oh, the wildest.
Outrageous! Totally outrageous, yeah.
What is it? Oh, I'd rather surprise you, sir.
Goddamn! This is-- This is gonna be great! Uh-huh.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Uh, guys.
Guys.
Guys? If you want the elevator to move, you have to, uh push a button.
Dorks Dorks, dorks, Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! [.]
JIMMY: Hey! You guys look great! Okay, let me-- Let me guess.
Uh, alien autopsy coroner.
Uhlittle devil.
Yeah-- Oh! Pretty ballerina! Queen of England? Gay construction worker.
No.
No, ac-- So-- So, what are you, Jimmy? Huh, me? Oh, I'm-- I'm one of those dead guys from The Field of Dreams.
Great.
Hey, where's-- Where's Dave? Oh, I don't know.
I bet he chickened out.
Oh, come on-- Where's his leadership by example I was talking about, Lisa? Well, I am wearing a costume.
DAVE: Oh, so am I.
Go ahead, have a good laugh.
That's my dress.
DAVE: Yes, it is.
Oh, honey, you look fabulous.
You're wearing my dress.
Yes.
If you ever wanna work parties, I know a guy who could hook you up.
Thanks, no.
He's wearing my dress.
Boy, oh boy, Dave, I never realized you had such long, slender legs.
Okay, let's go in, everybody.
[PARTY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Isn't this a wonderful night? So I assume you realize the psychic's death prediction was a load of crap, huh? Nope, I've just come to accept my imminent death.
And to be honest, I've met a woman who's really opened my eyes.
Really? Yes, she's wonderful.
I just met her an hour ago, and already she's made me see that there's a lot more to life than fear.
Oh, wow.
Could we meet her? But of course.
Dorothy.
Everyonemeet Dorothy.
But you're wearing-- Yes! I am wearing your dress.
We have established the fact that I am wearing your dress.
What is the problem? You're wearing my dress.
You know, uh I saw you sitting here and, uh Well, I-- I'm a guy.
I'm a mime.
Yeah, well, I just keep telling him: it doesn't matter how old you are.
It's how much life you have in you.
BILL: So true.
But what are we doing standing around? My lady and I need to dance.
Oh, I don't know, Billy.
I've got a rod in my hip that acts up.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, nonsense.
Maestro, if you please! Rump-shaker, or some reasonable facsimile.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
All right, all right.
I'm in love.
What's wrong with that? How old is she, anyway? A gentleman doesn't ask such questions.
Rough estimate.
Really, really old.
It doesn't matter how old you are.
It's how much life you have in you.
Bill, she's old enough to be your grandmother.
Don't be ridiculous.
My grandmother is dead.
Dorothy, on the other hand, is very much alive.
No offense, Bill, but I think that woman is running on fumes.
So am I.
So are we all.
That's why tonight, we dance! DAVE: What is wrong? It is just a costume.
It's no problem.
Go away, please.
Look, would you wait up? All right.
I think I know what the problem is.
No, you don't.
Yes, I think I do.
It's about that whole leadership by example thing, isn't it? No.
You made a power play in front of Jimmy, to prove you're a better leader than I am, and now you feel one-upped.
No, Dave, that's not it.
Well, then, what is the problem? The problem is, you look better in my dress than I do.
What? You do! I have never been able to wear that dress 'cause I couldn't pull it off, and now you look like a million bucks.
No, I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at the most $150 on Ninth Avenue.
I'm sorry.
It's just that, it just Just hangs so perfectly off your shoulders, and your head looks just exactly the right size-- Pleasedon't hate me because I'm beautiful.
See! What? Yes, you know it.
Oh what? You think you're so pretty, and all the boys wanna talk to you.
What? I mean, how do you think this makes me feel? Well, how do you think it makes me feel to realize at 30, that I'm much better-looking as a girl? I guess you're right.
You have a much bigger problem on your hands.
Well, I gotta get out of this dress.
No, you can't take off the dress.
What? You can't.
If you take off the dress now, everyone will know that I was jealous, and they'll think I'm crazy.
But you are crazy.
But they don't have to know that.
Can you please leave the dress on? All right, what the hell.
I am the belle of the ball.
More like party slut.
Jealous.
Miss, I want to thank you for changing my life.
Oh, no problem, but I'm actually in the middle of a reading-- Knowing that my days are numbered has given me a whole new perspective on things.
Well, that's great.
Now, please, I'm busy.
And I've met a wonderful woman.
I've never been happier.
Do you mind? Not at all.
I feel fantastic.
Colors seem brighter now.
Hey, I have an idea.
I'm gonna give you another reading.
Oops, I made a mistake.
You are going to die at 4:20 p.
m.
, March 8th, 2232.
I'm going to live to be 282? Yep.
I foresee a cure to all known disease.
Maybe a pill you take.
I don't know.
Anyway, I'm busy.
What's the matter, my sweet? We need to talk.
You know, Dorothy, if you were a younger woman, I'd probably lie to you.
What is it, Bill? How do I put this? Our relationship doesn't work for me anymore.
But, Bill, what about living each day of your life as if it were your last? Well, that sounds good to you because you're You see I just found out, I'm going to live nearly forever.
You understand what I'm getting at? That makes our relationship just a little: But thank you so much for our time together.
Goodbye.
Well, you know, I actually do think that, uh, Dole has a point about the moral bankruptcy of the mass media, but I really don't think he's getting that point across to the public.
Now, if you could get your paw off my ass.
Thanks.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing? Feeling better? Yes, I am.
I'm sorry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this? The Ellen DeGeneres Show? No.
Look, look, aren't you a little, uh uncomfortable in that thing? I was a little uncomfortable, but I went to the men's room and adjusted my hose.
Pantyhose.
Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha.
Lisa, I wanted to congratulate you for getting the staff all whipped up.
I mean, if that isn't leadership by example, I don't know what is.
I mean, Dave, here could learn a thing or two from you.
If I could draw your attention to how I'm dressed.
I mean, if this isn't leadership by example, I really don't know what is.
Well, yeah, but it was my leadership that got you into the dress.
Nonetheless, I'm still in the dress-- Regardless, regardless, regard-- There is still one thing left that's gonna require some heavy, heavy-duty leadership.
What? What is it? I cannot believe Dave and Lisa are doing the hokey-pokey.
[CHUCKLING.]
I like watching them out there all alone.
I can't believe I forgot my video camera.
So this is what it's like sitting at the cool table.
Oh, yeah, this is it.
Oh, baby, I could get used to this.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
Look at those dorks.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Let's give him a big hand.
Best animal costume.
[APPLAUSE.]
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for gayest costume.
[CROWD CHEERS.]
[LAUGHING.]
I'm just kidding.
That's not actually a category.
Uh, the category: best overall costume.
And the runner-up is WNYX's own Dave Nelson.
BILL: Dave, come on up here.
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS.]
Show the people what you really look like, Dave.
There you go.
[CROWD WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS.]
Exquisite! That was our runner-up.
And the winner of best costume overall DorothyJohnson.
[CROWD CHEERS.]
Dorothy, show us what you looklike Uh [CROWD CHEERS.]
[.]
[.]