NewsRadio (1995) s03e06 Episode Script
Awards Show
Um, excuse me.
What? Hello.
What? Excuse me, but hello.
Dude, what's the problem? There-- There is sugar scattered all over the place here.
Matthew, there's like one, two There's like-- There's like six grains of sugar on the table.
Thank you.
That is exactly how the ant problem got started in the break room.
There's no ant problem in the break room.
Oh, so Joe the electrician is now Joe the ant expert? I prefer the term ant enthusiast.
And I haven't seen any ants in the break room.
Well, probably because your big, clunky work boots scare them away or something.
Okay.
Well, Matthew, don't just stand there.
Show us the ants.
Okay, yeah.
Over here.
We're with you.
Tread lightly.
Okay, so you're saying it's not safer than a savings account? No.
That's just what those guys at the 401(k) scheme want you to think.
So, what do you do? You keep your money in a shoebox under your bed or something? Right.
Like I'm gonna tell you where I keep my shoebox.
[SCRATCHING.]
You thought I was an ant, didn't you? No.
Unfortunately, I was pretty sure it was you.
Seriously though, Beth, I'm just-- I'm doing this to dramatize a point.
To what? Dramatize a point.
Wait.
Hang on.
What? Seriously, I want you to get back in there, because I wanna show it to Joe.
Oh, yeah.
It makes a good point too.
But seriously-- I hear you, I know.
There's ants on the loose in here.
I know.
I got you covered.
This is gonna be great! [.]
Beth? Beth? Sweetie honey? Bethy? All right.
And finally-- Uh, tonight is the big night, and I'm not gonna try to hide it.
I'm just as nervous and excited as the rest of you.
Oh, let me guess.
Mom and Dad are out of town, and you and Lisa are finally gonna go all the way.
I believe Dave is referring to the American Broadcasters Society Awards Banquet.
Ah.
And remember, people, it's not whether you win or lose, because we are all gonna lose in every possible category.
I beg to differ.
I think we stand a pretty good chance of bringin' home some ABSAs tonight.
What on earth makes you think that? My gut.
Oh, let's all be real quiet and listen to Dave's gut.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
We're gonna win some ABSAs! We're gonna win-- [NORMAL VOICE.]
Have you ever considered colon hydrotherapy? I trust, as usual, Bill speaks for no one but himself.
Come on, dude.
WNYX loses every year in every category.
DAVE: Joe, what kind of attitude is that? Joe's upset because he doesn't get to go.
Well, I have an extra ticket, Joe, if you'd like to be my guest.
I don't know if I could bear watching all you guys get humiliated again.
Then again, maybe I could.
WNYX may have lost in the past, but over this last year I have watched you all blossom into a group of winners.
Put it in the cup.
Put it in the cup! [LAUGHS.]
You know, call it a hunch, if you want to, but you know what? I've got a pretty good feeling that tonight, uh-- Ah, screw it.
Nobody has to go.
Meeting's over.
Look, I didn't wanna say this in front of everyone-- I understand, Bill.
You wanna win just as much as I do.
You have a different way of showing it.
No, it's about your stomach.
You really should consider the colon hydrotherapy.
Try my guy.
Best in the business.
Thanks, Bill.
[DAVE SIGHS.]
What am I gonna do about those people? Just ignore them.
I would like to, but it's just that they're-- It's their pessimism.
It's so overwhelming.
I know.
I think we deserve a truckload of awards.
Of course we do.
So why do they think we're gonna lose? Because we are gonna lose.
Oh, you too, huh? Oh, face it, Dave, WYXP is gonna win everything.
They always do.
'Cause their station manager, Marty Jackson, spends his time throwing parties for the voting members.
Oh, come on.
Why do you think they call him Marty "The Party" Jackson? Well, I just assumed the rhyming aspect suggested an internal logic of its own.
Well, I'll tell you this much, the party is over.
And you can quote me on that.
Partyisover.
Got it.
Mm-hm.
Great.
What did Marty ever do to you? Oh, well, here, let me show you this.
Here is an interview he gave to the papers a few months back.
Here we go.
Uh-- "The problem with radio is that too many of our young radio executives--" Young radio executives.
--are quite frankly, in over their heads.
" I think it's pretty obvious who he's talking about.
Me? No, me.
Although it could apply to you.
No, it couldn't.
I'm not in over my head.
Well, neither am I.
Thank you very much.
And I don't think the voting members are stupid.
I think they're gonna send a clear message that a good Marty party does not an ABSA make.
Dave, they're called American Broadcasters Society Awards.
I'm aware of that.
Well, it's driving me crazy.
ABSA, ABSA, ABSA.
You know, anybody that uses the word "ABSA" is just a dork.
I swear it is ABSA fever out there! Everywhere you go: ABSA, ABSA, ABSA.
Absolutely, sir.
Dave, I was kiddin'.
Lisa, I heard what you said.
I think those people are dorky too.
Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
You know, it doesn't really matter what you call it.
I think the real problem here is the attitude of this staff.
Oh, got a little "glass half empty-itis" goin' on, huh? Oh, sure do, sir.
Want me to rile up the troops a bit? That'd be great.
Put a little fight in their eyes? Please.
Set 'em up for the big fall when we lose like we always do? Well, we'll just see about that, sir.
Yes indeed, we will just see.
Wow.
Really got a fire in his belly, doesn't he? Yes, he does.
He really ought to see somebody about that.
I hear Bill's got a great guy.
Hey, Joe.
Hey, what's up? I was, uh, just wondering: have you given any thought to what you might be wearing tonight? Yeah.
I'm gonna wear the same thing I always wear on special occasions.
Jets jersey, green and white face paint and a big foam hand that says "We're number one.
" But seriously, I mean, you do know that everyone is probably gonna be pretty dressed up and So? Well, I was just thinking that, you know-- You think I'll embarrass you? Well, of course not, it's just that-- You do.
You think I'm a guy who thinks dressing up is bleaching the pit stains out of my best white T-shirt.
Not at all, Joe.
It's just that I wanted-- You do.
You think I'm some greaseball, doesn't know the difference between a bow tie and a "cumberband.
" I guess now is probably not a good time to tell him the word is "cummerbund.
" Is there ever a good time for that, really? I'm just worried that he's gonna show up wearing a tuxedo with a pair of red high-tops or something.
I hear you.
That's embarrassing.
Or worse, one of those T-shirts with the picture of a tux on it.
Oh! I love those! I always think they're real.
Catherine, you guys-- Could you-- Could you please do me a favor? Well, sure, Matthew, sweetie.
What is it? I need you to back me up on this whole ant thing.
I mean, people in the office are starting to think I'm a little-- Whoo! --crazy.
Maybe we'll take a look at the break room a little later, okay? You know what? We, uh-- We don't have to go to the break room, actually.
Oh, did you, uh Bring some of your little ant friends with you? No.
I, um I have-- [MUMBLING.]
What? What? I have itchy red welts on my buttocks, okay? And I-- And I have every reason to believe that they are ant bites.
Are you coming on to me? No, seriously, Catherine, I think it-- They bit me when that spoon, uh, accidentally fell off the counter and locked me in the cabinet.
Would you just please take a look at 'em 'cause [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Yes.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, Beth, that is so sweet of you to agree to that.
Sweetie, please.
Um, you know what? I would love to take a look at the itchy red welts on your buttocks.
I would.
The problem with that is just gonna be that if I take a look at the welts on your buttocks, then Dave is gonna want me to look at the welts on his buttocks.
Bill too, the water cooler guy.
Do you see my point? Yeah, I guess it could get-- Okay, bye-bye! Wait, Beth.
"Quite frankly, in over their heads.
" Well, that is not all.
No, no, no.
He continues to say: "I don't care how smart he is.
No 29-year-old kid can handle the pressure of being a news director.
" Twenty-nine-year-old kid.
Can you believe that? Maybe I can help you out here, Dave.
Whenever I have a bee in my bonnet, I find it helps to take my hat off.
Meaning? Meaning I take my hat off, the bee flies away.
What do I gotta do? Draw you a picture? Knock, knock.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
What? I just think that we really need to have a meeting about this ant invasion.
We got ants? Yeah.
That's the understatement of the century.
I hope they're not the kind that bite.
[SIGHS.]
I thought you'd never ask.
Would you take a look at this? Look, I just don't know what's so bad about wanting to win.
May-- Maybe I can help you out here again.
You know, when I was in school there was this kid, right? He wanted to play football more than anything.
Coach wouldn't let him because he wasn't big enough.
But did he give up? I'm assuming for the purposes of this story, no.
Damn straight! No, it just made him try harder and harder.
I mean, the kid-- The kid ate like a wild animal every day.
I mean, he pumped iron all night long and-- And after two months he got a hernia.
Makes you think, huh? I really don't think I get the point.
Oh, yeah.
Well, there's one more thing.
That kid's name.
That kid's name was Richard Nixon.
Richard Milhous Nixon? What the hell's his middle name got to do with anything? Dave, the point of the story is Uh, let's see.
Hernia, wild animal, Nixon.
Oh, hell, it's in there somewhere.
I'm glad I could help you out.
Now? Now.
Do you really think you can, Jimmy? Oh, Cathy, they don't call me "The Great Communicator" for nothing.
Hey, Joe.
Hey, Mr.
James.
What's up? Just wondering if you're looking forward to the fancy dress, black tie wingding tonight.
Uh, not really, but, uh, Catherine asked me to go, and I don't wanna deny her the pleasure of my company.
Ah, yeah, I hear that.
I-I-I hear that.
Hey.
Hey, did I ever tell you the story about my first job interview? I don't think so.
Okay.
Well, as I remember, I was being interviewed for a low-level position at a records management firm.
This isn't a story where the guy turns out to be Nixon, is it? No.
No-- Wait a minute.
Does it? No.
Anyway, there's all these guys, right? They were wearing narrow ties, and I come in with a-- You know, a big, old fat one.
Needless to say, I didn't get the job.
So what'd you do? Go out and buy a skinny tie and beg the man for a second chance? Hell, no! I went out and started my own records management firm.
Put that clown out of business in six months.
That's right, sir.
'Cause even with a big fat necktie, you're still the best man for the job.
Damn straight.
And that pinched-face, narrow-tied little bastard had to learn that lesson right then! Right, sir.
The lesson is, that it's not about the clothes, it's about the man inside the clothes.
The man inside.
The man inside.
You are straight, brother man.
The man inside.
Amen! You make me proud.
Thank you, sir.
Would you go tell Catherine I'll wear whatever I wanna wear? You got it.
They don't call me "The Great Communicator" for nothing.
I am on it! So is he gonna wear a tux? At this point, I don't know if I'm gonna wear one.
[.]
Well, well, well, If we don't look like a couple of winners, I don't know who does.
My stomach's much flatter since I've been doing the colon cleansing.
Well, you-- You look terrific, Bill.
And well Well.
If you don't look like? Cher.
Uh? It's an incredible simulation of what she wore to the Oscars in '87.
CATHERINE: Does anyone know what Joe's wearing? Tell you one thing.
The only award Marty Jackson's gonna win this year is Hack Of The Decade.
Marty Jackson? More like Marty "Hackson.
" Damn straight.
Where's Matthew? DAVE: Come on, Matthew.
Let's go! Okay.
Coming! "Remove safety tab.
" Yeah, duh.
"Do not shake can.
" Okay, too late for that.
Use 20-second time delay to vacate room.
"Use only one can per room"? Oh, no.
No.
Okay.
Oh, thank God.
[AS SEAN CONNERY.]
My name is Garrelli.
Joe Garrelli.
Joe, you look great.
You really do.
Thank you.
Your last name's Garrelli? Come on.
Let's go.
You're not wearing that, are you? Of course.
Why not? 'Cause everybody can see everything.
How would you like it if I showed up with a bow tie and a jockstrap? You know, that reminds me of the time I was elected treasurer of my fraternity.
We-- Never mind.
Let's rock 'n' roll, people.
Come on.
Wait till Marty Jackson gets a load of us.
[HACKING COUGH.]
[.]
[.]
COSTAS: Thank you, you're very kind.
Welcome to the 32nd annual American Broadcasters Society Awards Banquet.
Tonight, we recognize the best and the brightest New York City radio has to offer.
And who knows? Maybe even Marty Jackson will win something tonight.
That's right, Marty.
Laugh it up.
You tell him, Dave.
For the 10th time, Joe, I am not cold.
Yes, you are.
And thanks to that dress, everybody knows it.
Pardon me.
What's that, buddy? Excuse me? Maybe tonight's not the best night to be feeling your oats, okay, grandpa? Why don't you just grab the drink and move away from the lady.
All right? That's a good boy.
Joe, that was inappropriate.
Yeah, I know.
Do you believe him? Trying to bust a move on you? God, you are pathetic.
I'm pathetic? What are you talkin' about? I'm tryin'-- What are you lookin' at? [COUGHS.]
Can I get a drink, please? You know, you look like you've had enough, fella.
How 'bout you call it a night, huh? Whatever.
And the award for segment producer of the year for an all-new station goes to: Lisa Miller of WNYX.
Bill McNeal, WNYX.
BILL: Yes! WNYX.
WNYX! WNYX.
Dave Nelson.
WNYX, of course.
[.]
I didn't even know there was a category for electronics maintenance technicians.
Yeah, me neither.
What are you talking about? You didn't know you were nominated? No, I got like five or six different mailing addresses under various pseudonyms.
So, uh, probably got lost in the mail.
Well, Dave, I have to admit, you were right.
I guess you were just what this station needed.
Thank you, Catherine.
BETH: Yeah, Dave.
Right out of the gate, you took us straight to the top.
Thanks.
Dude, you're the man.
That's good, right? Then thank you.
And then the name of that kid was Richard Nixon.
Yeah, I'm really not sure I understand the whole point of that story, but it does remind me of another presidential football anecdote.
Oh.
The year was 1948, and a young man named Gerald Ford-- Yeah, yeah, yeah! But the point is, he got a hernia from eatin' too much.
What do I gotta do? Draw you a picture? Hey! I know that dude.
JIMMY: Quite a night, huh? Clean sweep.
Don't do any better than that.
No, no.
It sure doesn't, sir.
Hey, what's wrong? This is supposed to be the happiest night of your life.
Oh, well, I can't remember being more miserable.
What's the problem? The problem is, now what? You know, I-- In my wildest dreams, I thought we'd get one ABSA, maybe two, but this, you know.
Nowhere to go but down.
Oh, don't worry, Dave.
You know, everybody feels like that when they win one of these awards.
I won.
Me too.
Attaboy.
Well, I wish I could give this one back.
Oh, oh.
Hey, did I-- Did I finish that story about the kid who wanted to play football, but he wasn't big-- Nixon? Yeah, I guess I did finish it.
Anyway, I drew you a picture, just in case.
Can I get you another drink? Sure.
Make it a double.
You got it.
Yeah, what you've got there are most definitely the bites of the common red ant.
Yes.
Thank you.
Now that is-- That is such a load off my mind.
Wow.
You're sure though, right? Positive.
You know, the legendary Frank "Home Run" Baker, one of the true greats of the Dead Ball Era.
Mm, mm-hm? He used to get red ant bites on his buttocks as well.
Really? Oh, yeah, yeah.
In fact, his locker was built on an anthill.
True story.
"Home Run" Barker.
Wow.
Baker.
Baker, Barker, whatever.
Whatever.
That man just pulled down his pants in front of me.
I want him arrested.
Joe? Yeah? Have you noticed that we're the only ones at the bar? Yeah.
Why do you think that is? Well, look, there's no karaoke machine.
There's no beer nuts.
The game's not on.
This place sucks.
Or maybe it's because every time a man comes within 10 feet of me, you puff out your chest and stare him down like Sonny Liston.
Don't compare me to that glass-jawed punk.
Long night? Hey, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
Excuse me? Pardon? What are you lookin' at? I'm not looking at anything.
I'm conversing with a fellow broadcaster.
Yeah, well, conversation's over, dude.
Beat it.
Big words from a guy wearing a rented tux.
Oh, dude, that is it.
You are so squashed.
Come on, man.
You want a piece of me? You want some of this? Bring it on.
[SIGHS.]
[JOE GROANS.]
Dave Nelson.
That's what it says.
Mm-hm.
Marty Jackson.
I know who you are.
I just dropped by to say congratulations.
Really? Yeah.
Really, Dave.
You know, you're doing some tremendous work over there.
Thanks.
That's very kind.
How old are you? Twenty-nine.
No kidding? You know something? I won my first ABSA when I was your age.
Really? Yeah.
I had just moved here from the Midwest.
You know, nobody thought I would survive for a day in New York.
Oh.
Yeah, I know-- I know how that feels.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
Please-- Please, have a seat.
Hi.
Hi.
And then-- Then I won this prize-- [CLEARS THROAT.]
--right out of the gate and, jeez, I'm telling you, I was in way over my head.
But you were good enough to win the award.
Oh, well, yeah, but as I said to a reporter guy one time, I don't care how smart you are.
No 29-year-old kid can stand the pressure of being a news director.
But I guess that was just me, huh? No.
No, no, no.
I feel the pressure too.
I do.
Yeah, it is tough, isn't it? It sure is.
How do you deal with it? I drink.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, really.
I'm serious.
I drink a lot.
I can't stop.
I mean, the doctors tell me I should stop because my liver is practically shot, but-- [LAUGHS.]
What do they know? You said it, Marty.
So anyway, Dave.
Enjoy it.
You deserve it.
You got a long road ahead of you.
Salud.
I just wanted to say congratulations.
That's really something.
A clean sweep.
Go to hell, Costas.
[.]
Okay, see, this is the bee.
This is a bee.
And this-- This is Nixon over here, and this is the bonnet on his head.
Why is the bee so much bigger than Nixon? 'Cause I'm good at drawing bees.
See, it's got wings like this.
It's got stripes.
He looks like a prisoner.
Do you ever see that TV show, The Prisoner? No, no.
Never mind.
This is a hernia over here.
And this-- This-- This is my dog and-- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Since when can a dog drive a car?
What? Hello.
What? Excuse me, but hello.
Dude, what's the problem? There-- There is sugar scattered all over the place here.
Matthew, there's like one, two There's like-- There's like six grains of sugar on the table.
Thank you.
That is exactly how the ant problem got started in the break room.
There's no ant problem in the break room.
Oh, so Joe the electrician is now Joe the ant expert? I prefer the term ant enthusiast.
And I haven't seen any ants in the break room.
Well, probably because your big, clunky work boots scare them away or something.
Okay.
Well, Matthew, don't just stand there.
Show us the ants.
Okay, yeah.
Over here.
We're with you.
Tread lightly.
Okay, so you're saying it's not safer than a savings account? No.
That's just what those guys at the 401(k) scheme want you to think.
So, what do you do? You keep your money in a shoebox under your bed or something? Right.
Like I'm gonna tell you where I keep my shoebox.
[SCRATCHING.]
You thought I was an ant, didn't you? No.
Unfortunately, I was pretty sure it was you.
Seriously though, Beth, I'm just-- I'm doing this to dramatize a point.
To what? Dramatize a point.
Wait.
Hang on.
What? Seriously, I want you to get back in there, because I wanna show it to Joe.
Oh, yeah.
It makes a good point too.
But seriously-- I hear you, I know.
There's ants on the loose in here.
I know.
I got you covered.
This is gonna be great! [.]
Beth? Beth? Sweetie honey? Bethy? All right.
And finally-- Uh, tonight is the big night, and I'm not gonna try to hide it.
I'm just as nervous and excited as the rest of you.
Oh, let me guess.
Mom and Dad are out of town, and you and Lisa are finally gonna go all the way.
I believe Dave is referring to the American Broadcasters Society Awards Banquet.
Ah.
And remember, people, it's not whether you win or lose, because we are all gonna lose in every possible category.
I beg to differ.
I think we stand a pretty good chance of bringin' home some ABSAs tonight.
What on earth makes you think that? My gut.
Oh, let's all be real quiet and listen to Dave's gut.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
We're gonna win some ABSAs! We're gonna win-- [NORMAL VOICE.]
Have you ever considered colon hydrotherapy? I trust, as usual, Bill speaks for no one but himself.
Come on, dude.
WNYX loses every year in every category.
DAVE: Joe, what kind of attitude is that? Joe's upset because he doesn't get to go.
Well, I have an extra ticket, Joe, if you'd like to be my guest.
I don't know if I could bear watching all you guys get humiliated again.
Then again, maybe I could.
WNYX may have lost in the past, but over this last year I have watched you all blossom into a group of winners.
Put it in the cup.
Put it in the cup! [LAUGHS.]
You know, call it a hunch, if you want to, but you know what? I've got a pretty good feeling that tonight, uh-- Ah, screw it.
Nobody has to go.
Meeting's over.
Look, I didn't wanna say this in front of everyone-- I understand, Bill.
You wanna win just as much as I do.
You have a different way of showing it.
No, it's about your stomach.
You really should consider the colon hydrotherapy.
Try my guy.
Best in the business.
Thanks, Bill.
[DAVE SIGHS.]
What am I gonna do about those people? Just ignore them.
I would like to, but it's just that they're-- It's their pessimism.
It's so overwhelming.
I know.
I think we deserve a truckload of awards.
Of course we do.
So why do they think we're gonna lose? Because we are gonna lose.
Oh, you too, huh? Oh, face it, Dave, WYXP is gonna win everything.
They always do.
'Cause their station manager, Marty Jackson, spends his time throwing parties for the voting members.
Oh, come on.
Why do you think they call him Marty "The Party" Jackson? Well, I just assumed the rhyming aspect suggested an internal logic of its own.
Well, I'll tell you this much, the party is over.
And you can quote me on that.
Partyisover.
Got it.
Mm-hm.
Great.
What did Marty ever do to you? Oh, well, here, let me show you this.
Here is an interview he gave to the papers a few months back.
Here we go.
Uh-- "The problem with radio is that too many of our young radio executives--" Young radio executives.
--are quite frankly, in over their heads.
" I think it's pretty obvious who he's talking about.
Me? No, me.
Although it could apply to you.
No, it couldn't.
I'm not in over my head.
Well, neither am I.
Thank you very much.
And I don't think the voting members are stupid.
I think they're gonna send a clear message that a good Marty party does not an ABSA make.
Dave, they're called American Broadcasters Society Awards.
I'm aware of that.
Well, it's driving me crazy.
ABSA, ABSA, ABSA.
You know, anybody that uses the word "ABSA" is just a dork.
I swear it is ABSA fever out there! Everywhere you go: ABSA, ABSA, ABSA.
Absolutely, sir.
Dave, I was kiddin'.
Lisa, I heard what you said.
I think those people are dorky too.
Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
You know, it doesn't really matter what you call it.
I think the real problem here is the attitude of this staff.
Oh, got a little "glass half empty-itis" goin' on, huh? Oh, sure do, sir.
Want me to rile up the troops a bit? That'd be great.
Put a little fight in their eyes? Please.
Set 'em up for the big fall when we lose like we always do? Well, we'll just see about that, sir.
Yes indeed, we will just see.
Wow.
Really got a fire in his belly, doesn't he? Yes, he does.
He really ought to see somebody about that.
I hear Bill's got a great guy.
Hey, Joe.
Hey, what's up? I was, uh, just wondering: have you given any thought to what you might be wearing tonight? Yeah.
I'm gonna wear the same thing I always wear on special occasions.
Jets jersey, green and white face paint and a big foam hand that says "We're number one.
" But seriously, I mean, you do know that everyone is probably gonna be pretty dressed up and So? Well, I was just thinking that, you know-- You think I'll embarrass you? Well, of course not, it's just that-- You do.
You think I'm a guy who thinks dressing up is bleaching the pit stains out of my best white T-shirt.
Not at all, Joe.
It's just that I wanted-- You do.
You think I'm some greaseball, doesn't know the difference between a bow tie and a "cumberband.
" I guess now is probably not a good time to tell him the word is "cummerbund.
" Is there ever a good time for that, really? I'm just worried that he's gonna show up wearing a tuxedo with a pair of red high-tops or something.
I hear you.
That's embarrassing.
Or worse, one of those T-shirts with the picture of a tux on it.
Oh! I love those! I always think they're real.
Catherine, you guys-- Could you-- Could you please do me a favor? Well, sure, Matthew, sweetie.
What is it? I need you to back me up on this whole ant thing.
I mean, people in the office are starting to think I'm a little-- Whoo! --crazy.
Maybe we'll take a look at the break room a little later, okay? You know what? We, uh-- We don't have to go to the break room, actually.
Oh, did you, uh Bring some of your little ant friends with you? No.
I, um I have-- [MUMBLING.]
What? What? I have itchy red welts on my buttocks, okay? And I-- And I have every reason to believe that they are ant bites.
Are you coming on to me? No, seriously, Catherine, I think it-- They bit me when that spoon, uh, accidentally fell off the counter and locked me in the cabinet.
Would you just please take a look at 'em 'cause [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Yes.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, Beth, that is so sweet of you to agree to that.
Sweetie, please.
Um, you know what? I would love to take a look at the itchy red welts on your buttocks.
I would.
The problem with that is just gonna be that if I take a look at the welts on your buttocks, then Dave is gonna want me to look at the welts on his buttocks.
Bill too, the water cooler guy.
Do you see my point? Yeah, I guess it could get-- Okay, bye-bye! Wait, Beth.
"Quite frankly, in over their heads.
" Well, that is not all.
No, no, no.
He continues to say: "I don't care how smart he is.
No 29-year-old kid can handle the pressure of being a news director.
" Twenty-nine-year-old kid.
Can you believe that? Maybe I can help you out here, Dave.
Whenever I have a bee in my bonnet, I find it helps to take my hat off.
Meaning? Meaning I take my hat off, the bee flies away.
What do I gotta do? Draw you a picture? Knock, knock.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
What? I just think that we really need to have a meeting about this ant invasion.
We got ants? Yeah.
That's the understatement of the century.
I hope they're not the kind that bite.
[SIGHS.]
I thought you'd never ask.
Would you take a look at this? Look, I just don't know what's so bad about wanting to win.
May-- Maybe I can help you out here again.
You know, when I was in school there was this kid, right? He wanted to play football more than anything.
Coach wouldn't let him because he wasn't big enough.
But did he give up? I'm assuming for the purposes of this story, no.
Damn straight! No, it just made him try harder and harder.
I mean, the kid-- The kid ate like a wild animal every day.
I mean, he pumped iron all night long and-- And after two months he got a hernia.
Makes you think, huh? I really don't think I get the point.
Oh, yeah.
Well, there's one more thing.
That kid's name.
That kid's name was Richard Nixon.
Richard Milhous Nixon? What the hell's his middle name got to do with anything? Dave, the point of the story is Uh, let's see.
Hernia, wild animal, Nixon.
Oh, hell, it's in there somewhere.
I'm glad I could help you out.
Now? Now.
Do you really think you can, Jimmy? Oh, Cathy, they don't call me "The Great Communicator" for nothing.
Hey, Joe.
Hey, Mr.
James.
What's up? Just wondering if you're looking forward to the fancy dress, black tie wingding tonight.
Uh, not really, but, uh, Catherine asked me to go, and I don't wanna deny her the pleasure of my company.
Ah, yeah, I hear that.
I-I-I hear that.
Hey.
Hey, did I ever tell you the story about my first job interview? I don't think so.
Okay.
Well, as I remember, I was being interviewed for a low-level position at a records management firm.
This isn't a story where the guy turns out to be Nixon, is it? No.
No-- Wait a minute.
Does it? No.
Anyway, there's all these guys, right? They were wearing narrow ties, and I come in with a-- You know, a big, old fat one.
Needless to say, I didn't get the job.
So what'd you do? Go out and buy a skinny tie and beg the man for a second chance? Hell, no! I went out and started my own records management firm.
Put that clown out of business in six months.
That's right, sir.
'Cause even with a big fat necktie, you're still the best man for the job.
Damn straight.
And that pinched-face, narrow-tied little bastard had to learn that lesson right then! Right, sir.
The lesson is, that it's not about the clothes, it's about the man inside the clothes.
The man inside.
The man inside.
You are straight, brother man.
The man inside.
Amen! You make me proud.
Thank you, sir.
Would you go tell Catherine I'll wear whatever I wanna wear? You got it.
They don't call me "The Great Communicator" for nothing.
I am on it! So is he gonna wear a tux? At this point, I don't know if I'm gonna wear one.
[.]
Well, well, well, If we don't look like a couple of winners, I don't know who does.
My stomach's much flatter since I've been doing the colon cleansing.
Well, you-- You look terrific, Bill.
And well Well.
If you don't look like? Cher.
Uh? It's an incredible simulation of what she wore to the Oscars in '87.
CATHERINE: Does anyone know what Joe's wearing? Tell you one thing.
The only award Marty Jackson's gonna win this year is Hack Of The Decade.
Marty Jackson? More like Marty "Hackson.
" Damn straight.
Where's Matthew? DAVE: Come on, Matthew.
Let's go! Okay.
Coming! "Remove safety tab.
" Yeah, duh.
"Do not shake can.
" Okay, too late for that.
Use 20-second time delay to vacate room.
"Use only one can per room"? Oh, no.
No.
Okay.
Oh, thank God.
[AS SEAN CONNERY.]
My name is Garrelli.
Joe Garrelli.
Joe, you look great.
You really do.
Thank you.
Your last name's Garrelli? Come on.
Let's go.
You're not wearing that, are you? Of course.
Why not? 'Cause everybody can see everything.
How would you like it if I showed up with a bow tie and a jockstrap? You know, that reminds me of the time I was elected treasurer of my fraternity.
We-- Never mind.
Let's rock 'n' roll, people.
Come on.
Wait till Marty Jackson gets a load of us.
[HACKING COUGH.]
[.]
[.]
COSTAS: Thank you, you're very kind.
Welcome to the 32nd annual American Broadcasters Society Awards Banquet.
Tonight, we recognize the best and the brightest New York City radio has to offer.
And who knows? Maybe even Marty Jackson will win something tonight.
That's right, Marty.
Laugh it up.
You tell him, Dave.
For the 10th time, Joe, I am not cold.
Yes, you are.
And thanks to that dress, everybody knows it.
Pardon me.
What's that, buddy? Excuse me? Maybe tonight's not the best night to be feeling your oats, okay, grandpa? Why don't you just grab the drink and move away from the lady.
All right? That's a good boy.
Joe, that was inappropriate.
Yeah, I know.
Do you believe him? Trying to bust a move on you? God, you are pathetic.
I'm pathetic? What are you talkin' about? I'm tryin'-- What are you lookin' at? [COUGHS.]
Can I get a drink, please? You know, you look like you've had enough, fella.
How 'bout you call it a night, huh? Whatever.
And the award for segment producer of the year for an all-new station goes to: Lisa Miller of WNYX.
Bill McNeal, WNYX.
BILL: Yes! WNYX.
WNYX! WNYX.
Dave Nelson.
WNYX, of course.
[.]
I didn't even know there was a category for electronics maintenance technicians.
Yeah, me neither.
What are you talking about? You didn't know you were nominated? No, I got like five or six different mailing addresses under various pseudonyms.
So, uh, probably got lost in the mail.
Well, Dave, I have to admit, you were right.
I guess you were just what this station needed.
Thank you, Catherine.
BETH: Yeah, Dave.
Right out of the gate, you took us straight to the top.
Thanks.
Dude, you're the man.
That's good, right? Then thank you.
And then the name of that kid was Richard Nixon.
Yeah, I'm really not sure I understand the whole point of that story, but it does remind me of another presidential football anecdote.
Oh.
The year was 1948, and a young man named Gerald Ford-- Yeah, yeah, yeah! But the point is, he got a hernia from eatin' too much.
What do I gotta do? Draw you a picture? Hey! I know that dude.
JIMMY: Quite a night, huh? Clean sweep.
Don't do any better than that.
No, no.
It sure doesn't, sir.
Hey, what's wrong? This is supposed to be the happiest night of your life.
Oh, well, I can't remember being more miserable.
What's the problem? The problem is, now what? You know, I-- In my wildest dreams, I thought we'd get one ABSA, maybe two, but this, you know.
Nowhere to go but down.
Oh, don't worry, Dave.
You know, everybody feels like that when they win one of these awards.
I won.
Me too.
Attaboy.
Well, I wish I could give this one back.
Oh, oh.
Hey, did I-- Did I finish that story about the kid who wanted to play football, but he wasn't big-- Nixon? Yeah, I guess I did finish it.
Anyway, I drew you a picture, just in case.
Can I get you another drink? Sure.
Make it a double.
You got it.
Yeah, what you've got there are most definitely the bites of the common red ant.
Yes.
Thank you.
Now that is-- That is such a load off my mind.
Wow.
You're sure though, right? Positive.
You know, the legendary Frank "Home Run" Baker, one of the true greats of the Dead Ball Era.
Mm, mm-hm? He used to get red ant bites on his buttocks as well.
Really? Oh, yeah, yeah.
In fact, his locker was built on an anthill.
True story.
"Home Run" Barker.
Wow.
Baker.
Baker, Barker, whatever.
Whatever.
That man just pulled down his pants in front of me.
I want him arrested.
Joe? Yeah? Have you noticed that we're the only ones at the bar? Yeah.
Why do you think that is? Well, look, there's no karaoke machine.
There's no beer nuts.
The game's not on.
This place sucks.
Or maybe it's because every time a man comes within 10 feet of me, you puff out your chest and stare him down like Sonny Liston.
Don't compare me to that glass-jawed punk.
Long night? Hey, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
Excuse me? Pardon? What are you lookin' at? I'm not looking at anything.
I'm conversing with a fellow broadcaster.
Yeah, well, conversation's over, dude.
Beat it.
Big words from a guy wearing a rented tux.
Oh, dude, that is it.
You are so squashed.
Come on, man.
You want a piece of me? You want some of this? Bring it on.
[SIGHS.]
[JOE GROANS.]
Dave Nelson.
That's what it says.
Mm-hm.
Marty Jackson.
I know who you are.
I just dropped by to say congratulations.
Really? Yeah.
Really, Dave.
You know, you're doing some tremendous work over there.
Thanks.
That's very kind.
How old are you? Twenty-nine.
No kidding? You know something? I won my first ABSA when I was your age.
Really? Yeah.
I had just moved here from the Midwest.
You know, nobody thought I would survive for a day in New York.
Oh.
Yeah, I know-- I know how that feels.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
Please-- Please, have a seat.
Hi.
Hi.
And then-- Then I won this prize-- [CLEARS THROAT.]
--right out of the gate and, jeez, I'm telling you, I was in way over my head.
But you were good enough to win the award.
Oh, well, yeah, but as I said to a reporter guy one time, I don't care how smart you are.
No 29-year-old kid can stand the pressure of being a news director.
But I guess that was just me, huh? No.
No, no, no.
I feel the pressure too.
I do.
Yeah, it is tough, isn't it? It sure is.
How do you deal with it? I drink.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, really.
I'm serious.
I drink a lot.
I can't stop.
I mean, the doctors tell me I should stop because my liver is practically shot, but-- [LAUGHS.]
What do they know? You said it, Marty.
So anyway, Dave.
Enjoy it.
You deserve it.
You got a long road ahead of you.
Salud.
I just wanted to say congratulations.
That's really something.
A clean sweep.
Go to hell, Costas.
[.]
Okay, see, this is the bee.
This is a bee.
And this-- This is Nixon over here, and this is the bonnet on his head.
Why is the bee so much bigger than Nixon? 'Cause I'm good at drawing bees.
See, it's got wings like this.
It's got stripes.
He looks like a prisoner.
Do you ever see that TV show, The Prisoner? No, no.
Never mind.
This is a hernia over here.
And this-- This-- This is my dog and-- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Since when can a dog drive a car?