NewsRadio (1995) s03e15 Episode Script
Rose Bowl
Hey, Dave.
What you doing? Oh, just doing-- Huh, what's that? Just itching to take a look at some Hollywood movie memorabilia? No, actually, I'm doing some editing.
Okay, okay, you win.
Memorabilia it is.
Well, thanks, sir.
You don't normally give in so easily.
Yeah, well, you know, I'm feeling generous because I bought a whole box of movie memorabilia from a big collector.
Did you ever see Ten Commandments? Uh, just about once a year.
Oh yeah? Well, all right.
Get ready.
Are you ready? Uh-huh.
All right.
The original stone tablet Charlton Heston carried in The Ten Commandments.
Wow, really.
I-- I thought it would be bigger than that.
Yeah, I think they used some special effects on them.
Yeah? Here's-- Here's the other one.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Um We are talking about The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston, aren't we? Hell, I don't know.
I've never seen it.
Well, maybe, uh Maybe you heard of a little movie called Sound of Music? Well, who could forget it? Yeah, well the original sword.
I don't recall a sword in The Sound of Music.
Oh, well, let me refresh your memory with this little number.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SINGS TO THE TUNE "HALLELUJAH".]
Sound of Music Sound of Music Music, music Sound of music You remember that? Okay, let's move on to the next one.
Mm-hm.
Maybe you boys remember a little movie by the name of Citizen Kane.
Ah, one of my favorites.
Yeah.
Well, you're gonna get a big charge out of this.
Ta-da! Hello.
Is that for real? That is the genuine article, my friend.
Oh.
"Rose Bowl"? No, no, no.
It's like, uh [DEEPLY, ECHOING.]
Rose Bowl.
[.]
[HORNS HONKING.]
Well, it's that time of year again.
Time for the annual employee performance evaluations.
What, already? Mm-hm.
Yeah Oh, God, I completely forgot to suck up.
But, you know, I'm a little tired of you all getting angry with me each year for making constructive and objective criticisms.
We don't get angry at you, Dave.
Oh, yes, you do.
For about a week after them everyone just stares at me with hate in their eyes.
That's not true.
And unfair.
I stare at you with hate in my eyes year-round.
Point taken.
But this year I will not be doing the evaluations.
Instead, you will each evaluate a coworker.
Oh, good.
I'll start.
Bill, you're doing an excellent job.
Matthew, no.
In private, one-on-one.
Oh, okay.
I'll elaborate later privately one-on-one.
DAVE: Great.
Everyone just put your name on a slip of paper and put it in the hat, please.
Okay.
Oh, whoever picks me, I hope they notice that it is my hat.
Beth, would you like to pick first? Oh, okay.
[GIGGLES.]
Okay.
Yay! And if you pick your own name, you have to put it back and choose again.
Darn.
Okay, fine, then-- Then what about this? It's a Clark bar.
No, no, no.
It is the Clark bar.
From what? From the film "Looking For Mrs.
Clark Bar.
" Have you ever actually been to a movie? Well, what about this? Basic Instinct? No, no, that's-- That's not the right one.
Okay.
That's it.
I am taking him to court.
Well, I guess if anybody's got the legal team to pull it off, you do.
No, my lawyers would laugh me out of court.
No way I'm telling them about this.
No, I will be representing myself.
Well, I don't know.
You know what they say: The man who represents himself has a fool for a client.
Yeah, well who do you suggest? Me.
Excellent.
Dave? Mm-hm? Why didn't you tell them? Tell them what? Well, tell them that the new interpersonal evaluations were my idea.
Uh, I didn't think it was important whose idea it was.
But I'm the one who read about it in Forbes and the one that figured out it would work here.
And I convinced Matthew that we weren't just borrowing his hat so that we could wear it without permission.
So I think that I deserve a little credit.
Yes, you do.
Good work, young lady.
Dave, now you're just patronizing me.
And you're obsessing over nothing.
Obsessing? Obsessing? I am not obsessing.
Obsessing-- Well, you're saying the word obsessing an awful lot.
Yeah, well, just because you say obsessing a lot doesn't mean that you're obsessing.
I mean, obsessing is like when you And if you go to prison, burn yourself with a cigarette, so they think you're crazy.
Uh-huh.
Of course, that can backfire.
Some men like their bitches crazy.
No.
No, Dave, see me and Joe were talking about the legal system.
See, I'm suing the guy that ripped me off for this stuff.
All right.
When you're done, Joe, I need-- I'm not gonna be done for a while.
I'm his lawyer.
Do you have any experience in a court of law? on a drunk and disorderly.
Case dismissed.
drunk and disorderly.
Case dismissed.
drunk and disorderly.
Case dismissed.
No, conviction.
Conviction later overturned when new evidence showed the defendant was not drunk, but merely the world's number one Rangers fan, returning home from the greatest overtime win in the history of the universe.
That's my lawyer.
Jimmy's case is in the bag, because we know something the other side doesn't.
Mm-hm.
What's that? All federal, state and local judges are members of a certain sect of the Freemasons.
Now, hold it, hold it.
Our strategy is that all judges are Masons? Well, there's more to it than that.
Like what? Well, there's a secret Masonic word, which, when uttered, obligates judges to rule in your favor.
Then they have to go paddle each other off in a secret cave somewhere.
And what's that? I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Okay, but it better be good.
Can't do it.
Yeah.
Clearly you're in good hands.
Counsel, good day.
Good day.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're basing my whole case on some silly secret word? Mr.
James-- Come on, Joe, give it up.
Tubalcain.
Tubalcain? Shh.
Sorry.
Tubalcain? What the hell does that mean? I have no idea.
That's great, Joe, but let's practice my strategy, all right? Hi.
Hello, Lisa.
This is Beth.
Beth will be doing your evaluation today.
[LAUGHING.]
Really? Yes, does that amuse you? Ha, yes, it does.
Huh.
That's interesting.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, Beth, please, proceed with your evaluation.
Uh, first of all, I just want to say that my overall evaluation is very positive.
Lisa is very efficient and dedicated to her work as a reporter.
And, in general, I find her office demeanor to be quite professional.
DAVE: Good.
Good.
[SIGHS.]
I-- I wish I could say the same about her personal relationships.
What? Let's just say that I do not appreciate waiting for one hour, in the rain, on a Saturday night, in front of a movie theater.
I called you.
Well, my machine isn't working.
Your machine was working, you just don't know how to work it.
Really.
You're telling me that I don't-- Okay, I think we're getting off topic here.
Why don't we stick to an evaluation of Lisa's professional performance, and save the rest for the Ricki Lake show.
Good idea.
Okay.
I find Lisa's communication skills to be quite good.
She's a very fast typer, and whatever you say about her wardrobe, at least she is punctual.
Wha-- My wardrobe? I'm taking this from someone whose outfit should be pulled behind a shrimp boat? Lisa dresses like Nancy Drew.
Okay.
Does she have any serious criticisms? Yes.
[SIGHS.]
In all seriousness, I have noticed that sometimes you tend to get kind ofobsessive about getting credit for your own ideas.
All right.
Okay.
The interpersonal evaluations were my idea, you did not give me credit for them, and I am not obsessing.
What-- This has nothing to do with me.
You obviously told her to say that.
I-- No.
Lisa, you're obsessing.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Lisa, Lisa.
Door.
Thank you.
[.]
JUDGE: Jimmy James v.
Kyle Martin Enterprises, Inc.
Would Jimmy James please approach the bench? You are Jimmy James? Yes.
And this would be your counsel? Yes, I am.
The master builder awaits the pyramids.
I beg your pardon? I bet you do.
Okay.
And would the, uh, defendant please approach the bench.
Okay, this is the-- The guy that sold me the stuff.
Just-- Just stay cool, because he's a real shark.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello, Kyle.
I've never seen this dude before in my life.
Yeah, right.
Bill, whose name did you pick? Before we begin, I must applaud you for making these evaluations a more democratic, egalitarian process.
Well, thank you, Bill.
Whose name did you pick? Kudos to you, sir.
And kudos again.
Thanks again.
Whose name did you pick, Bill? It's a wonderful time to be alive, isn't it? Oh, dear.
You got Catherine, didn't you? Now, this is gonna be magnificent.
Oh Catherine? Hello, Catherine.
Oh, come on.
Is Catherine okay, or would you prefer Ms.
Duke? [SIGHS.]
Please, Bill, just, uh, get on with it.
Well, Catherine Your work here in the last year has been-- How should I put it-- I don't know, but I can sure tell you where you should put it.
Your work here in the last year has been exemplary.
"Exemplary?" I'm sorry.
"Exemplary" is a word that means-- I know what it means.
Your consummate professionalism on the air and off is an inspiration to us all.
And for that reason, we can forgive the fact that you steal from petty cash.
I do not! In addition, you brighten our days with your warm smile, your quick wit and the hilarious doodles you're always drawing of what Dave might look like naked.
[CATHERINE GASPS.]
I don't do that.
You're the one that does those sick drawings and forces us to look at them.
In fact, I brought some of your delightful sketches Oh! so that we can all enjoy them.
Okay, that's it! I'm outta here.
Um-- Um-- What-- What are these supposed to be? Male breasts.
I assume.
You'd have to ask the artist herself about that.
See, I like to have my evaluations over a nice lunch.
I think it makes things more informal.
A little less scary for everybody involved.
Okay, just do the stupid evaluation.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, before we begin, Beth, how are we doing today? Can you just do the stupid evaluation? Y-Yeah.
Get get on with it, Matthew.
Okay.
"Beth Uh-huh.
"communicates well with her coworkers, including WNYX's anchorman, Bill McNeal.
" In the five years I have had the good fortune of knowing Bill, who is just the best employee and the best friend a guy could have What? "Beth could improve her job performance "by paying more attention to Bill, helping Bill," uh, and "being nicer to Bill.
" What does that have to do with me? Um, I have some thoughts about how you dress.
Okay.
Go ahead.
I think you should dress more like Bill.
Oh, my God.
Matthew, you're-- You're supposed to be evaluating Beth.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, on a scale of one, being very poor, to a million, being Bill, um, I give Beth an eight, which is very good.
Very good.
Bill is a million, and I am eight.
Yeah.
Ugh Hey, I only get a six.
Ugh Actually, between me and you, I get a six and a half.
Matthew Mm? Bill is not a god.
Time will tell.
Mr.
James, do you recognize this item? Yes, I do.
What is it? Exhibit J.
Could you be a little more specific? Yeah, yeah.
Ahem.
The defendant-- That kid right there.
--told me that was the actual skull of George Lindsey.
You know, Goober, from The Andy Griffith Show.
Uh, Your Honor, this proves nothing.
Even if he could prove that I sold him the skull, which he can't, he could not prove that it does not belong to George "Goober" Lindsey.
You raise a good point.
George "Goober" Lindsey is not dead.
Is too.
I would like to call to the stand George "Goober" Lindsey.
Step right this way please, Goober.
You can call me George.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
JOE: Mr.
Lindsey is this your skull? No.
No further questions, Your Honor.
Thank you, Mr.
Lindsey.
You're dismissed.
That's it? Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
You're excused.
Thank you.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Counsel-- Ah, Mr.
Lindsey i-if you wouldn't mind.
That really is Goober.
Yeah.
Oh, thanks.
[LAUGHS.]
Bye, Goob.
Bye.
[CLICKS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Yeah? Dave, what is so wrong about wanting to get credit for your ideas? There's nothing wrong with it, as long as you don't hang around outside people's offices, waiting to ambush them.
All right.
I am hardly waiting outside of your office to ambush you.
And for the last time, I am notobsessing.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
Come in, Lisa.
[MAN IMITATING WOMAN.]
Okay, lover.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi, chief.
Hi, Bill.
Where's my inquisitor? You're looking at him.
You've gotta be kidding.
No, I-I'll be doing your evaluation.
You're joking.
Mm-mm.
Everyone else gets evaluated by a peer, and just by coincidence, I end up staring into the grinning maw of Evil Otto himself? Evil Otto? Look, Bill, I know that through most of the year, we have sort of an adversarial relationship, but I'd like to put that aside You're really enjoying this, aren't you, you sick bastard? and say that you are really very good at your job, and I'm very happy with your performance.
Please keep up the good work.
How come I'm the only one who gets dressed down by the boss man? Why me?! Bill, it's not a dressing-down.
I said you're doing a great job.
Keep up the good work.
This is your way of letting me know I'm on some kind of probation here.
Message received, my friend [ANGRILY.]
loud and clear! And Mr.
James suggested to give you a raise.
What do you think? [DOOR SLAMS.]
No? Well, it's your call.
Beth?! Look, would you please just drop it, all right? Why can't you admit that you were obsessed.
And you were obsessed with not appearing to be obsessed, which would be a delightful conundrum if it wasn't so maddening.
Wellno, no-- No, I really don't want to hear anything more about it.
UhDave? Mm-hm? This is Lisa.
She'll be doing your evaluation.
Oh, sweet God.
There's really no reason to be alarmed, Dave.
My evaluation is really quite favorable.
All right.
Just do it and put me out of my misery.
Ahem.
You're a great boss.
Mm-hm.
And a wonderful leader.
Uh-huh.
Um, actually, the only criticism I have is a very small one-- That I tend to take credit for other people's ideas? Yes.
Well, as long as you're in agreement about that, I guess we're finished here.
Look, I-I'm sorry I didn't tell the staff that the new evaluation system was your idea, but as far as I can recall, that is the only instance.
That's how you want to play it December 9th of last year: I suggest we rent Jean Renoir's A Month in the Country.
Two weeks later, you recommend it to Catherine, without telling her who exposed you to it.
All right, you're just being vindictive.
Yes I am.
Get comfortable.
January 3rd: I persuaded you to try portobello mushrooms for the first time Well, judging from the expressions on your faces, I'm gonna assume that the new employee evaluation system is not exactly a big hit.
[DAVE SIGHS.]
Soyou're all staring at me with hatred in your eyes.
What a-- What a tremendous surprise for me.
You know, that's really too bad, because, uh You know, from my own tough, but fair evaluation, I-I learned something about myself that I think's really gonna help me.
Hold it, Dave.
You barfed in the punch bowl we all share, [ANGRILY.]
and now you expect us to believe it's alphabet soup? What? You know what the jackass means, Evil Otto.
Well, moving right along, um, it was-- It was pointed out to me that I sometimes tend to not give credit where credit is due.
For example the idea of having you evaluate each other, that-- That wasn't my idea.
That was Lisa's.
Well, that's pretty much all I had to say.
Thanks.
Meeting's over.
Oh-- [DOOR SHUTS.]
Well, hey, at least-- At least we learned a little bit about ourselves, huh? JIMMY: And-- And-- And I have since found out that Yul Brynner did not wear a wig Mr.
James.
in The King and I.
Enough, Mr.
James.
You have successfully proven that you have a large box full of junk.
I applaud you.
Not since The People v.
Junkyard Jones has a box full of junk been quite so thoroughly documented.
In fact, if I were this young man, I would countersue you for reckless prosecution and for defamation of character.
And for just generally wasting everybody's time.
Do you have anything to say in your defense? Tubalcain.
I hereby find in favor of the guy with the box full of junk.
And I sentence the kid to one month in a juvenile ward for psychiatric evaluation.
Court adjourned.
What? Heh.
Oh.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Beth LISA: All right, everybody.
That's enough.
Come on, you're obviously all mad at each other, and you're mad at me.
And so I think it's time that we just talk this out.
Okay? All right, fine.
You leave me no choice.
Plan B it is.
Ladies and gentlemen nobody will leave this office tonight until we have a group hug.
[THINKING.]
Group hug? Hm.
I bet this was Dave's idea.
Lisa's always taking credit for his ideas.
Oh, well.
Oh, I suppose this is Lisa's way of insinuating that I am not a team player.
What a bitch.
Well, I'll show her.
Whoa.
Three chicks hugging each other.
I have got to get me some of this action.
Oh.
I knew it.
Underneath it all, Bill's just a big old softy.
That makes me wanna give him a big hug.
I just wish those other people weren't involved.
MATTHEW: Oh, well, you can't have everything.
Ah, pay the phone bill, return the videos, drop off my dry cleaning Hey, group hug.
Terrific.
I can't believe this worked.
DAVE: You are a remarkable woman.
I know.
But please stop pinching my butt in front of all these people.
What? I can't believe Lisa's letting me get away with this.
This is the actual bird from To Kill a Mockingbird.
How much? Five bucks.
All right.
And this-- Well, of course, you know what this is.
Well, yeah, grits.
Yeah, yeah.
It's, uh-- It's from that western, uh, "True Grits.
" How much? Five bucks.
There you go.
Can I buy my skull? It's ten bucks.
[CLICKS.]
[CLICKS.]
All right.
There you go.
Boy, heh.
[CLICKS.]
What you doing? Oh, just doing-- Huh, what's that? Just itching to take a look at some Hollywood movie memorabilia? No, actually, I'm doing some editing.
Okay, okay, you win.
Memorabilia it is.
Well, thanks, sir.
You don't normally give in so easily.
Yeah, well, you know, I'm feeling generous because I bought a whole box of movie memorabilia from a big collector.
Did you ever see Ten Commandments? Uh, just about once a year.
Oh yeah? Well, all right.
Get ready.
Are you ready? Uh-huh.
All right.
The original stone tablet Charlton Heston carried in The Ten Commandments.
Wow, really.
I-- I thought it would be bigger than that.
Yeah, I think they used some special effects on them.
Yeah? Here's-- Here's the other one.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Um We are talking about The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston, aren't we? Hell, I don't know.
I've never seen it.
Well, maybe, uh Maybe you heard of a little movie called Sound of Music? Well, who could forget it? Yeah, well the original sword.
I don't recall a sword in The Sound of Music.
Oh, well, let me refresh your memory with this little number.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SINGS TO THE TUNE "HALLELUJAH".]
Sound of Music Sound of Music Music, music Sound of music You remember that? Okay, let's move on to the next one.
Mm-hm.
Maybe you boys remember a little movie by the name of Citizen Kane.
Ah, one of my favorites.
Yeah.
Well, you're gonna get a big charge out of this.
Ta-da! Hello.
Is that for real? That is the genuine article, my friend.
Oh.
"Rose Bowl"? No, no, no.
It's like, uh [DEEPLY, ECHOING.]
Rose Bowl.
[.]
[HORNS HONKING.]
Well, it's that time of year again.
Time for the annual employee performance evaluations.
What, already? Mm-hm.
Yeah Oh, God, I completely forgot to suck up.
But, you know, I'm a little tired of you all getting angry with me each year for making constructive and objective criticisms.
We don't get angry at you, Dave.
Oh, yes, you do.
For about a week after them everyone just stares at me with hate in their eyes.
That's not true.
And unfair.
I stare at you with hate in my eyes year-round.
Point taken.
But this year I will not be doing the evaluations.
Instead, you will each evaluate a coworker.
Oh, good.
I'll start.
Bill, you're doing an excellent job.
Matthew, no.
In private, one-on-one.
Oh, okay.
I'll elaborate later privately one-on-one.
DAVE: Great.
Everyone just put your name on a slip of paper and put it in the hat, please.
Okay.
Oh, whoever picks me, I hope they notice that it is my hat.
Beth, would you like to pick first? Oh, okay.
[GIGGLES.]
Okay.
Yay! And if you pick your own name, you have to put it back and choose again.
Darn.
Okay, fine, then-- Then what about this? It's a Clark bar.
No, no, no.
It is the Clark bar.
From what? From the film "Looking For Mrs.
Clark Bar.
" Have you ever actually been to a movie? Well, what about this? Basic Instinct? No, no, that's-- That's not the right one.
Okay.
That's it.
I am taking him to court.
Well, I guess if anybody's got the legal team to pull it off, you do.
No, my lawyers would laugh me out of court.
No way I'm telling them about this.
No, I will be representing myself.
Well, I don't know.
You know what they say: The man who represents himself has a fool for a client.
Yeah, well who do you suggest? Me.
Excellent.
Dave? Mm-hm? Why didn't you tell them? Tell them what? Well, tell them that the new interpersonal evaluations were my idea.
Uh, I didn't think it was important whose idea it was.
But I'm the one who read about it in Forbes and the one that figured out it would work here.
And I convinced Matthew that we weren't just borrowing his hat so that we could wear it without permission.
So I think that I deserve a little credit.
Yes, you do.
Good work, young lady.
Dave, now you're just patronizing me.
And you're obsessing over nothing.
Obsessing? Obsessing? I am not obsessing.
Obsessing-- Well, you're saying the word obsessing an awful lot.
Yeah, well, just because you say obsessing a lot doesn't mean that you're obsessing.
I mean, obsessing is like when you And if you go to prison, burn yourself with a cigarette, so they think you're crazy.
Uh-huh.
Of course, that can backfire.
Some men like their bitches crazy.
No.
No, Dave, see me and Joe were talking about the legal system.
See, I'm suing the guy that ripped me off for this stuff.
All right.
When you're done, Joe, I need-- I'm not gonna be done for a while.
I'm his lawyer.
Do you have any experience in a court of law? on a drunk and disorderly.
Case dismissed.
drunk and disorderly.
Case dismissed.
drunk and disorderly.
Case dismissed.
No, conviction.
Conviction later overturned when new evidence showed the defendant was not drunk, but merely the world's number one Rangers fan, returning home from the greatest overtime win in the history of the universe.
That's my lawyer.
Jimmy's case is in the bag, because we know something the other side doesn't.
Mm-hm.
What's that? All federal, state and local judges are members of a certain sect of the Freemasons.
Now, hold it, hold it.
Our strategy is that all judges are Masons? Well, there's more to it than that.
Like what? Well, there's a secret Masonic word, which, when uttered, obligates judges to rule in your favor.
Then they have to go paddle each other off in a secret cave somewhere.
And what's that? I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Okay, but it better be good.
Can't do it.
Yeah.
Clearly you're in good hands.
Counsel, good day.
Good day.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're basing my whole case on some silly secret word? Mr.
James-- Come on, Joe, give it up.
Tubalcain.
Tubalcain? Shh.
Sorry.
Tubalcain? What the hell does that mean? I have no idea.
That's great, Joe, but let's practice my strategy, all right? Hi.
Hello, Lisa.
This is Beth.
Beth will be doing your evaluation today.
[LAUGHING.]
Really? Yes, does that amuse you? Ha, yes, it does.
Huh.
That's interesting.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, Beth, please, proceed with your evaluation.
Uh, first of all, I just want to say that my overall evaluation is very positive.
Lisa is very efficient and dedicated to her work as a reporter.
And, in general, I find her office demeanor to be quite professional.
DAVE: Good.
Good.
[SIGHS.]
I-- I wish I could say the same about her personal relationships.
What? Let's just say that I do not appreciate waiting for one hour, in the rain, on a Saturday night, in front of a movie theater.
I called you.
Well, my machine isn't working.
Your machine was working, you just don't know how to work it.
Really.
You're telling me that I don't-- Okay, I think we're getting off topic here.
Why don't we stick to an evaluation of Lisa's professional performance, and save the rest for the Ricki Lake show.
Good idea.
Okay.
I find Lisa's communication skills to be quite good.
She's a very fast typer, and whatever you say about her wardrobe, at least she is punctual.
Wha-- My wardrobe? I'm taking this from someone whose outfit should be pulled behind a shrimp boat? Lisa dresses like Nancy Drew.
Okay.
Does she have any serious criticisms? Yes.
[SIGHS.]
In all seriousness, I have noticed that sometimes you tend to get kind ofobsessive about getting credit for your own ideas.
All right.
Okay.
The interpersonal evaluations were my idea, you did not give me credit for them, and I am not obsessing.
What-- This has nothing to do with me.
You obviously told her to say that.
I-- No.
Lisa, you're obsessing.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Lisa, Lisa.
Door.
Thank you.
[.]
JUDGE: Jimmy James v.
Kyle Martin Enterprises, Inc.
Would Jimmy James please approach the bench? You are Jimmy James? Yes.
And this would be your counsel? Yes, I am.
The master builder awaits the pyramids.
I beg your pardon? I bet you do.
Okay.
And would the, uh, defendant please approach the bench.
Okay, this is the-- The guy that sold me the stuff.
Just-- Just stay cool, because he's a real shark.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello, Kyle.
I've never seen this dude before in my life.
Yeah, right.
Bill, whose name did you pick? Before we begin, I must applaud you for making these evaluations a more democratic, egalitarian process.
Well, thank you, Bill.
Whose name did you pick? Kudos to you, sir.
And kudos again.
Thanks again.
Whose name did you pick, Bill? It's a wonderful time to be alive, isn't it? Oh, dear.
You got Catherine, didn't you? Now, this is gonna be magnificent.
Oh Catherine? Hello, Catherine.
Oh, come on.
Is Catherine okay, or would you prefer Ms.
Duke? [SIGHS.]
Please, Bill, just, uh, get on with it.
Well, Catherine Your work here in the last year has been-- How should I put it-- I don't know, but I can sure tell you where you should put it.
Your work here in the last year has been exemplary.
"Exemplary?" I'm sorry.
"Exemplary" is a word that means-- I know what it means.
Your consummate professionalism on the air and off is an inspiration to us all.
And for that reason, we can forgive the fact that you steal from petty cash.
I do not! In addition, you brighten our days with your warm smile, your quick wit and the hilarious doodles you're always drawing of what Dave might look like naked.
[CATHERINE GASPS.]
I don't do that.
You're the one that does those sick drawings and forces us to look at them.
In fact, I brought some of your delightful sketches Oh! so that we can all enjoy them.
Okay, that's it! I'm outta here.
Um-- Um-- What-- What are these supposed to be? Male breasts.
I assume.
You'd have to ask the artist herself about that.
See, I like to have my evaluations over a nice lunch.
I think it makes things more informal.
A little less scary for everybody involved.
Okay, just do the stupid evaluation.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, before we begin, Beth, how are we doing today? Can you just do the stupid evaluation? Y-Yeah.
Get get on with it, Matthew.
Okay.
"Beth Uh-huh.
"communicates well with her coworkers, including WNYX's anchorman, Bill McNeal.
" In the five years I have had the good fortune of knowing Bill, who is just the best employee and the best friend a guy could have What? "Beth could improve her job performance "by paying more attention to Bill, helping Bill," uh, and "being nicer to Bill.
" What does that have to do with me? Um, I have some thoughts about how you dress.
Okay.
Go ahead.
I think you should dress more like Bill.
Oh, my God.
Matthew, you're-- You're supposed to be evaluating Beth.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, on a scale of one, being very poor, to a million, being Bill, um, I give Beth an eight, which is very good.
Very good.
Bill is a million, and I am eight.
Yeah.
Ugh Hey, I only get a six.
Ugh Actually, between me and you, I get a six and a half.
Matthew Mm? Bill is not a god.
Time will tell.
Mr.
James, do you recognize this item? Yes, I do.
What is it? Exhibit J.
Could you be a little more specific? Yeah, yeah.
Ahem.
The defendant-- That kid right there.
--told me that was the actual skull of George Lindsey.
You know, Goober, from The Andy Griffith Show.
Uh, Your Honor, this proves nothing.
Even if he could prove that I sold him the skull, which he can't, he could not prove that it does not belong to George "Goober" Lindsey.
You raise a good point.
George "Goober" Lindsey is not dead.
Is too.
I would like to call to the stand George "Goober" Lindsey.
Step right this way please, Goober.
You can call me George.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
JOE: Mr.
Lindsey is this your skull? No.
No further questions, Your Honor.
Thank you, Mr.
Lindsey.
You're dismissed.
That's it? Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
You're excused.
Thank you.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Counsel-- Ah, Mr.
Lindsey i-if you wouldn't mind.
That really is Goober.
Yeah.
Oh, thanks.
[LAUGHS.]
Bye, Goob.
Bye.
[CLICKS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Yeah? Dave, what is so wrong about wanting to get credit for your ideas? There's nothing wrong with it, as long as you don't hang around outside people's offices, waiting to ambush them.
All right.
I am hardly waiting outside of your office to ambush you.
And for the last time, I am notobsessing.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
Come in, Lisa.
[MAN IMITATING WOMAN.]
Okay, lover.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi, chief.
Hi, Bill.
Where's my inquisitor? You're looking at him.
You've gotta be kidding.
No, I-I'll be doing your evaluation.
You're joking.
Mm-mm.
Everyone else gets evaluated by a peer, and just by coincidence, I end up staring into the grinning maw of Evil Otto himself? Evil Otto? Look, Bill, I know that through most of the year, we have sort of an adversarial relationship, but I'd like to put that aside You're really enjoying this, aren't you, you sick bastard? and say that you are really very good at your job, and I'm very happy with your performance.
Please keep up the good work.
How come I'm the only one who gets dressed down by the boss man? Why me?! Bill, it's not a dressing-down.
I said you're doing a great job.
Keep up the good work.
This is your way of letting me know I'm on some kind of probation here.
Message received, my friend [ANGRILY.]
loud and clear! And Mr.
James suggested to give you a raise.
What do you think? [DOOR SLAMS.]
No? Well, it's your call.
Beth?! Look, would you please just drop it, all right? Why can't you admit that you were obsessed.
And you were obsessed with not appearing to be obsessed, which would be a delightful conundrum if it wasn't so maddening.
Wellno, no-- No, I really don't want to hear anything more about it.
UhDave? Mm-hm? This is Lisa.
She'll be doing your evaluation.
Oh, sweet God.
There's really no reason to be alarmed, Dave.
My evaluation is really quite favorable.
All right.
Just do it and put me out of my misery.
Ahem.
You're a great boss.
Mm-hm.
And a wonderful leader.
Uh-huh.
Um, actually, the only criticism I have is a very small one-- That I tend to take credit for other people's ideas? Yes.
Well, as long as you're in agreement about that, I guess we're finished here.
Look, I-I'm sorry I didn't tell the staff that the new evaluation system was your idea, but as far as I can recall, that is the only instance.
That's how you want to play it December 9th of last year: I suggest we rent Jean Renoir's A Month in the Country.
Two weeks later, you recommend it to Catherine, without telling her who exposed you to it.
All right, you're just being vindictive.
Yes I am.
Get comfortable.
January 3rd: I persuaded you to try portobello mushrooms for the first time Well, judging from the expressions on your faces, I'm gonna assume that the new employee evaluation system is not exactly a big hit.
[DAVE SIGHS.]
Soyou're all staring at me with hatred in your eyes.
What a-- What a tremendous surprise for me.
You know, that's really too bad, because, uh You know, from my own tough, but fair evaluation, I-I learned something about myself that I think's really gonna help me.
Hold it, Dave.
You barfed in the punch bowl we all share, [ANGRILY.]
and now you expect us to believe it's alphabet soup? What? You know what the jackass means, Evil Otto.
Well, moving right along, um, it was-- It was pointed out to me that I sometimes tend to not give credit where credit is due.
For example the idea of having you evaluate each other, that-- That wasn't my idea.
That was Lisa's.
Well, that's pretty much all I had to say.
Thanks.
Meeting's over.
Oh-- [DOOR SHUTS.]
Well, hey, at least-- At least we learned a little bit about ourselves, huh? JIMMY: And-- And-- And I have since found out that Yul Brynner did not wear a wig Mr.
James.
in The King and I.
Enough, Mr.
James.
You have successfully proven that you have a large box full of junk.
I applaud you.
Not since The People v.
Junkyard Jones has a box full of junk been quite so thoroughly documented.
In fact, if I were this young man, I would countersue you for reckless prosecution and for defamation of character.
And for just generally wasting everybody's time.
Do you have anything to say in your defense? Tubalcain.
I hereby find in favor of the guy with the box full of junk.
And I sentence the kid to one month in a juvenile ward for psychiatric evaluation.
Court adjourned.
What? Heh.
Oh.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Beth LISA: All right, everybody.
That's enough.
Come on, you're obviously all mad at each other, and you're mad at me.
And so I think it's time that we just talk this out.
Okay? All right, fine.
You leave me no choice.
Plan B it is.
Ladies and gentlemen nobody will leave this office tonight until we have a group hug.
[THINKING.]
Group hug? Hm.
I bet this was Dave's idea.
Lisa's always taking credit for his ideas.
Oh, well.
Oh, I suppose this is Lisa's way of insinuating that I am not a team player.
What a bitch.
Well, I'll show her.
Whoa.
Three chicks hugging each other.
I have got to get me some of this action.
Oh.
I knew it.
Underneath it all, Bill's just a big old softy.
That makes me wanna give him a big hug.
I just wish those other people weren't involved.
MATTHEW: Oh, well, you can't have everything.
Ah, pay the phone bill, return the videos, drop off my dry cleaning Hey, group hug.
Terrific.
I can't believe this worked.
DAVE: You are a remarkable woman.
I know.
But please stop pinching my butt in front of all these people.
What? I can't believe Lisa's letting me get away with this.
This is the actual bird from To Kill a Mockingbird.
How much? Five bucks.
All right.
And this-- Well, of course, you know what this is.
Well, yeah, grits.
Yeah, yeah.
It's, uh-- It's from that western, uh, "True Grits.
" How much? Five bucks.
There you go.
Can I buy my skull? It's ten bucks.
[CLICKS.]
[CLICKS.]
All right.
There you go.
Boy, heh.
[CLICKS.]