NewsRadio (1995) s03e16 Episode Script
Kids
Can I use the spell check program on your computer? Sure.
Great.
What do you need to check? Oh, this.
So where would I put these? Just-- Do they go like? No, you have to, um, type it into the computer first.
Oh, God, what a ripoff.
Okay, well, all right.
Never mind.
Why don't you give it to me.
I'll proofread it for you.
Uh, no, this is personal.
It's a-- It's a personal essay.
About what? Golf.
Golf? Why golf? Well, why not? Oh, Beth, I need to talk to you about-- Oh! Oh, my God! [DAVE GROANS.]
Are you okay? DAVE: Yeah, I'm fine.
BETH: Can you get up? DAVE: I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Gosh.
Really? Dave.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
What happened? Oh, nothing.
Uh-- MATTHEW: Quite a spill.
I see-- I seem to have tripped on a golf ball.
Huh.
I wonder where that came from.
I don't know.
MATTHEW: You sure you're okay? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Okay, good.
[GROANS.]
[LAUGHING QUIETLY.]
What's so funny? [LAUGHING.]
I'm sorry.
I'm just loving that it wasn't me this time.
I'm sorry.
What? What? I'm the one always flipping and tripping and-- I'm the spaz of the office, and this time it's you.
You're a spaz.
Apparently I am, yeah.
Well, let's get back to work, shall we? Okay.
Great.
Sorry you fell.
Uh-huh.
Sorry.
[CACKLES.]
Matthew? Yeah? Uh, uh-- Would you like a commemorative souvenir of this joyous occasion? All right, all right.
All right, here you go.
[SCREAMS.]
[.]
[HORNS HONKING.]
BILL: Morning, Skipper.
Oh, uh-- Good morning, Bill.
Uhmisplace something? Nope.
Just looking for some pretzels.
Really? I thought maybe you were looking for some erotic literature? Is that the Canadian phrase for porno mag? Yes.
Well, thanks for the offer, chief.
But I buy my adult magazines at a newsstand thirty blocks from my house, while wearing a fake mustache.
Y-you can't leave this sort of thing lying around.
If one of our female coworkers found it, she'd have-- She'd have grounds for a lawsuit.
Bill, do you hear me? Yes, of course, but this isn't mine.
No? Well then, whose is it? I don't know, but-- But this most certainly does not belong in the office place.
Work.
Staff meeting.
Huh? What were you guys talking about? Nothing.
Come on, Dave.
You never tell me anything.
No, look-- It was-- It was really nothing.
Beth, Beth.
All right, if you must know Mm-hm.
we were planning a surprise birthday party for you.
Dave, you guys have been planning that for like three years now, and I'm starting to think it's never, ever gonna happen.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, sorry to keep everyone.
I just had to get something, uh, organized.
JIMMY: At any rate, I have become involved with a charitable organization that I think we can all get behind.
Glad to, Jim.
How much? It's not money I'm looking for, Bill.
It's time.
Glad to, Jim.
How much? Shut up, Bill.
Glad to, Jim.
I have recently become a-- A mentor to a group of young students who I think could just be the broadcasters of the future.
Broadcasters of the future.
Wow.
They're not time travelers, Matthew.
They're just bright, motivated kids who could learn a lot from watching all you people work.
So, what do you say? MATTHEW: I love it.
Yeah.
Uh, fine by me.
Let's give it a shot.
How about next week? How about right now? Come on in, gang.
There they are.
Sir, I thought they'd be a little older.
Yeah, well, that's what I thought when I met you, Dave.
Hello, little people.
Welcome to the magical world of WNYX.
You're stupid.
[GIGGLES.]
That one's mine.
[LAUGHS.]
That one's mine.
JIMMY: Ah.
There it is.
You know-- Sir, I think this is a wonderful gesture, you know, helping the kids out and all, but Yup.
we really could have used a little more advance notice.
Oh, well, you know me, Dave.
I'm not much for giving notice or filling out forms, or any sort of bureaucratic, uh What's the word? Mumbo jumbo? No.
Uh, gobbledygook? No.
Uh, foofaraw? Absolutely not.
But you get the picture.
You know, I-- What I want is, these kids to get a-- A good picture of how-- How things are done in a In a well-run newsroom.
Are you paying attention, Dave? Folderol.
Hmm? What? F-folderol? What are you talking about? W-what? Just pay attention, all right? Hey, what's up? Hi, Joe.
Hey, Joe.
What's up, Mr.
James? What's going on? Are you, uh Are you looking for something? Yeah.
You know what? I think I might have the, uh-- The item over here.
Oh, yeah? No, here it is.
Duct tape.
I'm teaching little Greg about duct tape.
JIMMY: Oh? Duct tape was invented a long time before you were born by somebody really smart.
The end.
See you, Joe.
Alrighty.
Well, Dave, are you-- Are you sure you're okay with this kid thing, all right? I mean, y-you seem uncomfortable.
Do I? Yeah, well, that's probably just because you're sitting on a nudie magazine.
It's-- Oh, it's not mine.
Don't worry.
Don't worry, Dave.
Nobody is gonna give you a spanking, unless it's self-administered.
No.
It's not mine though.
Hey, I don't-- I don't care.
I don't care whose it is.
I just don't want to get sued.
So leave your dirty magazines at home.
Yeah, all right.
But it's not mine.
Yeah, right.
I didn't-- I'll check back with you after lunch.
Well, but-- Y-you're leaving us alone with these kids here? Yeah.
I'm taking the teacher out to, uh, discuss the educational imperatives for the 21st century.
Uh-huh.
Almost ready, Mr.
James? You have no idea.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, I'll be right with you.
Well, great.
Educational imperatives? Yeah, well In the immortal words of Van Halen, before that dumb ass Sammy Hagar joined the group and ruined it, "I'm hot for teacher.
" Huh.
So then when the, uh-- The reporters are finished writing their stories, they bring them to me, and I edit them.
And then I give them to Mr.
McNeal or Ms.
Duke, and they take them into that, uh That glass room out there.
And guess what happens in there? Some other boring stuff? Right.
Yeah.
And then I-- I come in the next day and do it all again.
And then the day after that, and the day after that until have gone by.
So? So enjoy your finger-painting and kickball now, while you can.
What do you say to a snack? Huh? Yeah.
Come on.
And that.
Here we go.
Some cookies and half-and-half.
God-- Darn it.
MATTHEW: Dave? Uh-huh? We have a little situation here I'd like you to arbitrate.
Uh, what is it? Well, Adam took my scissors, and he won't give them back.
I had them first.
No, you didn't.
Did so.
He didn't.
No, you didn't.
Did so.
Did not.
Did so Did not.
La-la-la I can't hear you.
He's lying! What? Well, just give me the scissors.
Thank you.
Now they are mine.
This is so unfair.
Matthew, did you leave a magazine lying around in here? Um Cat Fancier? No, but you're close.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
That is not mine.
Mm-hmm.
But can I look at it? Would you get Bill and Joe in here, please.
Yeah.
Now, Mr.
James, I-- No.
No, no, no.
Jimmy.
Jimmy, please.
Mary.
So, Jimmy, what made you decide to become involved in our mentoring program? Well, Mary, uh-- How can I put this? Um, I'm rich, single, got plenty of time and energy, and I-- I love kids.
I see.
And teachers too.
Oh, my.
Well, you're quite the A student, aren't you? I never got an A in my life.
Well, maybe you never had the right teacher.
Yeah, that could be.
Hey, Rod man, everything come out okay? Some guy in there wanted me to give him money for turning on the faucet.
Well-- Well, that's okay.
It's a That's a washroom attendant.
You know, just-- Just pretend you didn't see him.
I didn't have any money, so I didn't wash my hands.
Well, you-- You don't have to pay him, but you do have to wash your hands.
Cleanliness is very important in the business world, isn't that right, Mr.
James? Not really.
Warren Buffett's got fingernails like a coal miner.
Cool.
Yeah.
But that doesn't mean it's okay for little boys to sit down to eat with dirty hands, now, does it? Rodney, did you pee on your hands? No.
That's good enough for me.
Let's order.
I don't care who's leaving these porn mags around, I just want it to stop.
Quiet! The great Bill McNeal will now speak.
Well put, Kevin.
Let's be honest here.
Just because someone was careless enough to leave these dirty porn mags around, doesn't mean we need a lecture about-- Look, a lecture might save us a lawsuit.
Can I have a soda? Sure.
DAVE: Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back? Because I needed two hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape.
All I'm saying is, thank God it was me that found these particular items, because a female coworker might consider them to be a serious workplace violation.
David, I didn't do it.
Okay? [BILL SNAPS.]
You're a spaz.
Hey, Dave, could you go over something--? I'm-- I'm sorry.
What are you doing? It's a guys-only meeting.
Why can't we sit in? Because girls are stupid.
I did not teach him that.
Yes, you did.
No, Beth, I'm sorry, but really, you have to go.
I'll explain it later.
Why aren't girls allowed in the meeting? Because girls are stupid, and boys are the best.
No.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I guess we know who the future congressman is.
Come along, little missy.
Anyway, and Dave, of all people, should be aware that a boys-only meeting is inappropriate workplace behavior.
Dave doesn't have an inappropriate bone in his body.
Who? The little boy in the blue suit? Yes.
Anyway, I'm sure he has a good reason.
Mm-hmm.
And that would be? I don't know.
Who knows? I mean, you're talking about a guy that likes to curl up with a nice workplace ethics manual before he goes to bed.
Ooh, how romantic.
Regardless, a boys-only meeting does send a bad message.
Right, Martha? Why are you black? Why not? Can I be black like you? I'll put in a call and see what I can do.
AnywayI think, to exclude these little girls-- These precious little creatures who are the, uh-- The future, really, of womankind-- You do that again, and I will torture you.
Beth Whoop! Yes? I spilled.
Oh, you did.
That's okay, honey.
Um, Catherine, is there some clean, um, WNYX T-shirts in Dave's drawer? Uh, Lisa What was that you were saying about Dave's inappropriate bones? BETH: What? Are you sure you're aware of all of Dave's bedtime reading material? Oh! My [SHUTS DRAWER.]
Open it.
[WHISPERS.]
I don't want them to see it.
Me neither.
But I think you just broke my hand.
Oh.
Wellthese obviously aren't Dave's.
Look, it's okay, Lisa.
I mean, just because Dave has one or two or Actually, seven.
Seven of these hidden in his desk.
Doesn't mean that you're not special to him also.
Well, I-I didn't say that it did.
Well, Catherine's right, because, I mean, we all know that men need to look at these on a regular basis, or they can get really sick.
All right, Beth, which one of your former boyfriends told you that? All of them.
All I'm saying is that if Dave wants to look at pictures of-- Shh! Oh.
Fine.
What word would you like to use? I don't want to use any word.
We should just forget this.
It's none our business.
How about, apples? Apples? Alrighty, fine.
Apples, it is.
Anyway, all I'm saying is, even though Dave has a very nice apple tree at home, sometimes he gets curious about what other apples taste like.
I think that it's time we all went back to work.
Why don't we just-- Beth's right.
I mean, there's a world out there full of red apples and green apples, and MacIntosh apples, and-- Fuji apples? Very good, Kim.
And Fuji apples.
I mean, Dave might like a nice, exotic Fuji apple every now and then.
Right.
But his favorite apple is the apple back home.
Granny Smith apples? Exactly.
Good old, reliable Granny Smith apple back home.
Okay.
Who wants to photocopy their face? GIRLS [IN UNISON.]
: Me.
Me.
Me.
Uh-- They're not mine.
What aren't? The The porn mags.
Oh, those.
No, no.
No, I-- That's okay.
It's just-- It's healthy.
It's natural.
It's just all, you know, different apples-- Different No, I, uh-- No, I found them in the break room, and I put them there so no one would be offended.
Oh, Dave, this is embarrassing enough for me as it is.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, if you think it's embarrassing for you, imagine how it is for me.
Yeah, but if they're not yours, why are you embarrassed? Huh? Uhcome on, Kim.
How come you're so rich, Jimmy? Mr.
James is successful because he worked harder, and he learned-- Not really.
I'm actually kind of lazy, if you want to know the truth.
But, uh, once you got a lot of money, uh, you can basically just sit around, goof off and watch your money make money.
I gotta go again.
Oh, first we ask for permission.
No, that's okay.
If you gotta go to the can, go to the can.
Permission, Rodney.
May I please go to the can? Attaboy.
Get out of here.
[SIGHS.]
Look, could you do me a little favor? Yeah.
Help me out with Rodney.
Mm-hmm.
I-it's hard enough to teach him proper manners without you contradicting every single thing I say.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was doing that.
Okay, yeah [CLEARS THROAT.]
Tell you what, I'll, uh-- When he comes back, I'll tell him the evil Jimmy left, and I took his place.
Kids believe that kind of crap, right? I've got an easier solution.
Lay it on me, teach.
Sit up straight, stop picking your teeth, and no more laughing when Rodney, as you put it, "rips one off.
" Oh.
Ahem.
I don't know if that sounds easier, but, uh, you know, I'll give it a shot.
And take your elbows off the table.
Oh.
What the hell.
And don't say hell.
Damn.
And don't say damn.
All right, but what the f-- [KIDS YELLING.]
Could you send someone to cut this tape off my wrists, Dave? Yeah, in a sec.
All right, kid, come on.
Sorry, it's just grownups only right now, all right? BETH: Dave! Sorry.
Hey, Bill, can you grab me a cold one, please? Sure.
Thanks, Greg.
You're welcome.
GIRL: You're out of staples! Lisa, do you wanna come in here.
GIRL: Get back here.
Oh! Well, now it's just us grownups, so let's cut the crap.
Who's leaving the porn mags lying around? [SIGHS.]
You know, Dave, if you want to discuss your filthy business with everyone, that's fine.
I don't see why I have to be dragged into it.
It's not filthy, Lisa.
It's perfectly natural.
If a man doesn't look at those, he can get really sick.
Look, I don't care who it is, just own up to it.
Lisa thinks they're mine.
Well, I have an idea.
Why don't the five of us all go see a couples therapist together, hmm? Um, Lisa, come on.
Look, guys, I'm-- I'm asking you as friends.
Please, just tell me who it is.
Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station? Joe's right.
How come every time there's a problem, you assume that it's one of us? What about them? What if it was that guy whose name I don't know? Or the guy who sits by him? Or the girl-- Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.
Well, Dave, I consider that room to be a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.
Who cares about this? It really doesn't matter-- Look, yeah, well, I don't care who it is either, but you know what Just as long as my trusting girlfriend knows it isn't me.
Soif the person who left the magazines in there is in this room, write on a slip of paper, "I did it," and put it in a cup.
What if we didn't do it? DAVE: Then write, "I didn't do it.
" Dave, why are you so obsessed with this? I just want to clear my name.
No.
I mean, pornography.
Dave.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
There.
The proof is in the cup.
"I did it.
" Ah-ha.
"I did it.
" "I did it.
" Well Sweet of you guys to cover for Dave.
It's the least we could do.
Just trying to help out.
So the guy has an insatiable appetite for hard-core porn.
So what? MATTHEW: Dave, let it go.
Come on, Lisa has.
And frankly, she's the one that should be really mortified.
Lisa [KIDS YELLING.]
Wellhow was lunch, you two? Lovely, Bill.
Thank you for asking.
Don't mention it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, please.
Allow me, my dear.
TEACHER: Why, thank you very much.
It's my pleasure.
Jimmy, could I talk with you for a second? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Bill, do you have something you'd like to share with the rest of us? What have you done to him? I've educated him on proper behavior.
BILL: Oh, really? We don't need your education.
We don't need your thought control.
Bill, please.
That's not a very nice tone of voice to take to a lady.
[SIGHS.]
This has been a very productive day for Jimmy.
Mm-hmm.
He's improved his listening skills, his grammar and his manners.
You could learn a thing or two from him, Mr.
McNeal.
I'm sure I could.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Well, it's time for us to go.
Will you give me a call, Jimmy? It would be my pleasure.
Oh, thank you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Rodney.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
You had me scared there.
Yeah, well Now, don't worry.
I just had to play her game till she got interested in me.
I'll bring her over to the dark side later.
Did you get her number? Yeah, sort of.
Uh, she gave it to me in a math problem.
See, it's See, it's 212, and then, uh, you're supposed to subtract this number from this number.
And that would be [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Uh Forgot my backpack.
Yeah.
No, Rod man, Rod man.
Come here.
Could you help me out with this? Right there.
Excellent.
Thanks.
Thanks.
And just remember: Everything she tells you is wrong.
Wait a minute! fake telephone numbers! All right, for the last time, those magazines are not my property.
What, are you telling me you're part of some Socialist porn-swapping club or something? You know, it's women like you that drive men to magazines.
I knew it.
All right.
Enough! Do you guys wanna know who the office porn fiend is? Yes.
Dave.
What's it worth to you? Five thousand dollars.
Let's just say, you promise to help me with my golf essay instead.
Done.
Lisa? Fine.
Whatever.
Okay.
I just wanna get it over with.
All right.
I just want you to know, this is not easy for me, because I am not a snitch.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
It was me.
Yes! Why? A friend of mine told me that you can make a lot of money writing the dirty letters to the editor in those magazines.
Anywayhere is the essay that you promised to help me with, so-- Actually, it's not so much an essay as it is a-- It's more of a letter.
Oh, let me guess, it's not really about golf? No, no.
The beginning is.
But then it You know, it kindameanders off.
Anywaythanks a lot, you guys.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Wait a minute.
Is-- Is this? Grammatically correct? No, I was gonna say, physically possible.
Oh.
[WHISPERS.]
Yes.
Uh, Beth? Yeah? Uh, did those kids leave yet? About an hour ago.
Ah.
Then could you take care of something for me.
They were kissing.
I know.
It's icky, isn't it? Yeah.
Hey.
Bye, Adam.
Bye, spaz.
[.]
Great.
What do you need to check? Oh, this.
So where would I put these? Just-- Do they go like? No, you have to, um, type it into the computer first.
Oh, God, what a ripoff.
Okay, well, all right.
Never mind.
Why don't you give it to me.
I'll proofread it for you.
Uh, no, this is personal.
It's a-- It's a personal essay.
About what? Golf.
Golf? Why golf? Well, why not? Oh, Beth, I need to talk to you about-- Oh! Oh, my God! [DAVE GROANS.]
Are you okay? DAVE: Yeah, I'm fine.
BETH: Can you get up? DAVE: I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Gosh.
Really? Dave.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
What happened? Oh, nothing.
Uh-- MATTHEW: Quite a spill.
I see-- I seem to have tripped on a golf ball.
Huh.
I wonder where that came from.
I don't know.
MATTHEW: You sure you're okay? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Okay, good.
[GROANS.]
[LAUGHING QUIETLY.]
What's so funny? [LAUGHING.]
I'm sorry.
I'm just loving that it wasn't me this time.
I'm sorry.
What? What? I'm the one always flipping and tripping and-- I'm the spaz of the office, and this time it's you.
You're a spaz.
Apparently I am, yeah.
Well, let's get back to work, shall we? Okay.
Great.
Sorry you fell.
Uh-huh.
Sorry.
[CACKLES.]
Matthew? Yeah? Uh, uh-- Would you like a commemorative souvenir of this joyous occasion? All right, all right.
All right, here you go.
[SCREAMS.]
[.]
[HORNS HONKING.]
BILL: Morning, Skipper.
Oh, uh-- Good morning, Bill.
Uhmisplace something? Nope.
Just looking for some pretzels.
Really? I thought maybe you were looking for some erotic literature? Is that the Canadian phrase for porno mag? Yes.
Well, thanks for the offer, chief.
But I buy my adult magazines at a newsstand thirty blocks from my house, while wearing a fake mustache.
Y-you can't leave this sort of thing lying around.
If one of our female coworkers found it, she'd have-- She'd have grounds for a lawsuit.
Bill, do you hear me? Yes, of course, but this isn't mine.
No? Well then, whose is it? I don't know, but-- But this most certainly does not belong in the office place.
Work.
Staff meeting.
Huh? What were you guys talking about? Nothing.
Come on, Dave.
You never tell me anything.
No, look-- It was-- It was really nothing.
Beth, Beth.
All right, if you must know Mm-hm.
we were planning a surprise birthday party for you.
Dave, you guys have been planning that for like three years now, and I'm starting to think it's never, ever gonna happen.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, sorry to keep everyone.
I just had to get something, uh, organized.
JIMMY: At any rate, I have become involved with a charitable organization that I think we can all get behind.
Glad to, Jim.
How much? It's not money I'm looking for, Bill.
It's time.
Glad to, Jim.
How much? Shut up, Bill.
Glad to, Jim.
I have recently become a-- A mentor to a group of young students who I think could just be the broadcasters of the future.
Broadcasters of the future.
Wow.
They're not time travelers, Matthew.
They're just bright, motivated kids who could learn a lot from watching all you people work.
So, what do you say? MATTHEW: I love it.
Yeah.
Uh, fine by me.
Let's give it a shot.
How about next week? How about right now? Come on in, gang.
There they are.
Sir, I thought they'd be a little older.
Yeah, well, that's what I thought when I met you, Dave.
Hello, little people.
Welcome to the magical world of WNYX.
You're stupid.
[GIGGLES.]
That one's mine.
[LAUGHS.]
That one's mine.
JIMMY: Ah.
There it is.
You know-- Sir, I think this is a wonderful gesture, you know, helping the kids out and all, but Yup.
we really could have used a little more advance notice.
Oh, well, you know me, Dave.
I'm not much for giving notice or filling out forms, or any sort of bureaucratic, uh What's the word? Mumbo jumbo? No.
Uh, gobbledygook? No.
Uh, foofaraw? Absolutely not.
But you get the picture.
You know, I-- What I want is, these kids to get a-- A good picture of how-- How things are done in a In a well-run newsroom.
Are you paying attention, Dave? Folderol.
Hmm? What? F-folderol? What are you talking about? W-what? Just pay attention, all right? Hey, what's up? Hi, Joe.
Hey, Joe.
What's up, Mr.
James? What's going on? Are you, uh Are you looking for something? Yeah.
You know what? I think I might have the, uh-- The item over here.
Oh, yeah? No, here it is.
Duct tape.
I'm teaching little Greg about duct tape.
JIMMY: Oh? Duct tape was invented a long time before you were born by somebody really smart.
The end.
See you, Joe.
Alrighty.
Well, Dave, are you-- Are you sure you're okay with this kid thing, all right? I mean, y-you seem uncomfortable.
Do I? Yeah, well, that's probably just because you're sitting on a nudie magazine.
It's-- Oh, it's not mine.
Don't worry.
Don't worry, Dave.
Nobody is gonna give you a spanking, unless it's self-administered.
No.
It's not mine though.
Hey, I don't-- I don't care.
I don't care whose it is.
I just don't want to get sued.
So leave your dirty magazines at home.
Yeah, all right.
But it's not mine.
Yeah, right.
I didn't-- I'll check back with you after lunch.
Well, but-- Y-you're leaving us alone with these kids here? Yeah.
I'm taking the teacher out to, uh, discuss the educational imperatives for the 21st century.
Uh-huh.
Almost ready, Mr.
James? You have no idea.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, I'll be right with you.
Well, great.
Educational imperatives? Yeah, well In the immortal words of Van Halen, before that dumb ass Sammy Hagar joined the group and ruined it, "I'm hot for teacher.
" Huh.
So then when the, uh-- The reporters are finished writing their stories, they bring them to me, and I edit them.
And then I give them to Mr.
McNeal or Ms.
Duke, and they take them into that, uh That glass room out there.
And guess what happens in there? Some other boring stuff? Right.
Yeah.
And then I-- I come in the next day and do it all again.
And then the day after that, and the day after that until have gone by.
So? So enjoy your finger-painting and kickball now, while you can.
What do you say to a snack? Huh? Yeah.
Come on.
And that.
Here we go.
Some cookies and half-and-half.
God-- Darn it.
MATTHEW: Dave? Uh-huh? We have a little situation here I'd like you to arbitrate.
Uh, what is it? Well, Adam took my scissors, and he won't give them back.
I had them first.
No, you didn't.
Did so.
He didn't.
No, you didn't.
Did so.
Did not.
Did so Did not.
La-la-la I can't hear you.
He's lying! What? Well, just give me the scissors.
Thank you.
Now they are mine.
This is so unfair.
Matthew, did you leave a magazine lying around in here? Um Cat Fancier? No, but you're close.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
That is not mine.
Mm-hmm.
But can I look at it? Would you get Bill and Joe in here, please.
Yeah.
Now, Mr.
James, I-- No.
No, no, no.
Jimmy.
Jimmy, please.
Mary.
So, Jimmy, what made you decide to become involved in our mentoring program? Well, Mary, uh-- How can I put this? Um, I'm rich, single, got plenty of time and energy, and I-- I love kids.
I see.
And teachers too.
Oh, my.
Well, you're quite the A student, aren't you? I never got an A in my life.
Well, maybe you never had the right teacher.
Yeah, that could be.
Hey, Rod man, everything come out okay? Some guy in there wanted me to give him money for turning on the faucet.
Well-- Well, that's okay.
It's a That's a washroom attendant.
You know, just-- Just pretend you didn't see him.
I didn't have any money, so I didn't wash my hands.
Well, you-- You don't have to pay him, but you do have to wash your hands.
Cleanliness is very important in the business world, isn't that right, Mr.
James? Not really.
Warren Buffett's got fingernails like a coal miner.
Cool.
Yeah.
But that doesn't mean it's okay for little boys to sit down to eat with dirty hands, now, does it? Rodney, did you pee on your hands? No.
That's good enough for me.
Let's order.
I don't care who's leaving these porn mags around, I just want it to stop.
Quiet! The great Bill McNeal will now speak.
Well put, Kevin.
Let's be honest here.
Just because someone was careless enough to leave these dirty porn mags around, doesn't mean we need a lecture about-- Look, a lecture might save us a lawsuit.
Can I have a soda? Sure.
DAVE: Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back? Because I needed two hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape.
All I'm saying is, thank God it was me that found these particular items, because a female coworker might consider them to be a serious workplace violation.
David, I didn't do it.
Okay? [BILL SNAPS.]
You're a spaz.
Hey, Dave, could you go over something--? I'm-- I'm sorry.
What are you doing? It's a guys-only meeting.
Why can't we sit in? Because girls are stupid.
I did not teach him that.
Yes, you did.
No, Beth, I'm sorry, but really, you have to go.
I'll explain it later.
Why aren't girls allowed in the meeting? Because girls are stupid, and boys are the best.
No.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I guess we know who the future congressman is.
Come along, little missy.
Anyway, and Dave, of all people, should be aware that a boys-only meeting is inappropriate workplace behavior.
Dave doesn't have an inappropriate bone in his body.
Who? The little boy in the blue suit? Yes.
Anyway, I'm sure he has a good reason.
Mm-hmm.
And that would be? I don't know.
Who knows? I mean, you're talking about a guy that likes to curl up with a nice workplace ethics manual before he goes to bed.
Ooh, how romantic.
Regardless, a boys-only meeting does send a bad message.
Right, Martha? Why are you black? Why not? Can I be black like you? I'll put in a call and see what I can do.
AnywayI think, to exclude these little girls-- These precious little creatures who are the, uh-- The future, really, of womankind-- You do that again, and I will torture you.
Beth Whoop! Yes? I spilled.
Oh, you did.
That's okay, honey.
Um, Catherine, is there some clean, um, WNYX T-shirts in Dave's drawer? Uh, Lisa What was that you were saying about Dave's inappropriate bones? BETH: What? Are you sure you're aware of all of Dave's bedtime reading material? Oh! My [SHUTS DRAWER.]
Open it.
[WHISPERS.]
I don't want them to see it.
Me neither.
But I think you just broke my hand.
Oh.
Wellthese obviously aren't Dave's.
Look, it's okay, Lisa.
I mean, just because Dave has one or two or Actually, seven.
Seven of these hidden in his desk.
Doesn't mean that you're not special to him also.
Well, I-I didn't say that it did.
Well, Catherine's right, because, I mean, we all know that men need to look at these on a regular basis, or they can get really sick.
All right, Beth, which one of your former boyfriends told you that? All of them.
All I'm saying is that if Dave wants to look at pictures of-- Shh! Oh.
Fine.
What word would you like to use? I don't want to use any word.
We should just forget this.
It's none our business.
How about, apples? Apples? Alrighty, fine.
Apples, it is.
Anyway, all I'm saying is, even though Dave has a very nice apple tree at home, sometimes he gets curious about what other apples taste like.
I think that it's time we all went back to work.
Why don't we just-- Beth's right.
I mean, there's a world out there full of red apples and green apples, and MacIntosh apples, and-- Fuji apples? Very good, Kim.
And Fuji apples.
I mean, Dave might like a nice, exotic Fuji apple every now and then.
Right.
But his favorite apple is the apple back home.
Granny Smith apples? Exactly.
Good old, reliable Granny Smith apple back home.
Okay.
Who wants to photocopy their face? GIRLS [IN UNISON.]
: Me.
Me.
Me.
Uh-- They're not mine.
What aren't? The The porn mags.
Oh, those.
No, no.
No, I-- That's okay.
It's just-- It's healthy.
It's natural.
It's just all, you know, different apples-- Different No, I, uh-- No, I found them in the break room, and I put them there so no one would be offended.
Oh, Dave, this is embarrassing enough for me as it is.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, if you think it's embarrassing for you, imagine how it is for me.
Yeah, but if they're not yours, why are you embarrassed? Huh? Uhcome on, Kim.
How come you're so rich, Jimmy? Mr.
James is successful because he worked harder, and he learned-- Not really.
I'm actually kind of lazy, if you want to know the truth.
But, uh, once you got a lot of money, uh, you can basically just sit around, goof off and watch your money make money.
I gotta go again.
Oh, first we ask for permission.
No, that's okay.
If you gotta go to the can, go to the can.
Permission, Rodney.
May I please go to the can? Attaboy.
Get out of here.
[SIGHS.]
Look, could you do me a little favor? Yeah.
Help me out with Rodney.
Mm-hmm.
I-it's hard enough to teach him proper manners without you contradicting every single thing I say.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was doing that.
Okay, yeah [CLEARS THROAT.]
Tell you what, I'll, uh-- When he comes back, I'll tell him the evil Jimmy left, and I took his place.
Kids believe that kind of crap, right? I've got an easier solution.
Lay it on me, teach.
Sit up straight, stop picking your teeth, and no more laughing when Rodney, as you put it, "rips one off.
" Oh.
Ahem.
I don't know if that sounds easier, but, uh, you know, I'll give it a shot.
And take your elbows off the table.
Oh.
What the hell.
And don't say hell.
Damn.
And don't say damn.
All right, but what the f-- [KIDS YELLING.]
Could you send someone to cut this tape off my wrists, Dave? Yeah, in a sec.
All right, kid, come on.
Sorry, it's just grownups only right now, all right? BETH: Dave! Sorry.
Hey, Bill, can you grab me a cold one, please? Sure.
Thanks, Greg.
You're welcome.
GIRL: You're out of staples! Lisa, do you wanna come in here.
GIRL: Get back here.
Oh! Well, now it's just us grownups, so let's cut the crap.
Who's leaving the porn mags lying around? [SIGHS.]
You know, Dave, if you want to discuss your filthy business with everyone, that's fine.
I don't see why I have to be dragged into it.
It's not filthy, Lisa.
It's perfectly natural.
If a man doesn't look at those, he can get really sick.
Look, I don't care who it is, just own up to it.
Lisa thinks they're mine.
Well, I have an idea.
Why don't the five of us all go see a couples therapist together, hmm? Um, Lisa, come on.
Look, guys, I'm-- I'm asking you as friends.
Please, just tell me who it is.
Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station? Joe's right.
How come every time there's a problem, you assume that it's one of us? What about them? What if it was that guy whose name I don't know? Or the guy who sits by him? Or the girl-- Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.
Well, Dave, I consider that room to be a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.
Who cares about this? It really doesn't matter-- Look, yeah, well, I don't care who it is either, but you know what Just as long as my trusting girlfriend knows it isn't me.
Soif the person who left the magazines in there is in this room, write on a slip of paper, "I did it," and put it in a cup.
What if we didn't do it? DAVE: Then write, "I didn't do it.
" Dave, why are you so obsessed with this? I just want to clear my name.
No.
I mean, pornography.
Dave.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
There.
The proof is in the cup.
"I did it.
" Ah-ha.
"I did it.
" "I did it.
" Well Sweet of you guys to cover for Dave.
It's the least we could do.
Just trying to help out.
So the guy has an insatiable appetite for hard-core porn.
So what? MATTHEW: Dave, let it go.
Come on, Lisa has.
And frankly, she's the one that should be really mortified.
Lisa [KIDS YELLING.]
Wellhow was lunch, you two? Lovely, Bill.
Thank you for asking.
Don't mention it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, please.
Allow me, my dear.
TEACHER: Why, thank you very much.
It's my pleasure.
Jimmy, could I talk with you for a second? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Bill, do you have something you'd like to share with the rest of us? What have you done to him? I've educated him on proper behavior.
BILL: Oh, really? We don't need your education.
We don't need your thought control.
Bill, please.
That's not a very nice tone of voice to take to a lady.
[SIGHS.]
This has been a very productive day for Jimmy.
Mm-hmm.
He's improved his listening skills, his grammar and his manners.
You could learn a thing or two from him, Mr.
McNeal.
I'm sure I could.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Well, it's time for us to go.
Will you give me a call, Jimmy? It would be my pleasure.
Oh, thank you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Rodney.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
You had me scared there.
Yeah, well Now, don't worry.
I just had to play her game till she got interested in me.
I'll bring her over to the dark side later.
Did you get her number? Yeah, sort of.
Uh, she gave it to me in a math problem.
See, it's See, it's 212, and then, uh, you're supposed to subtract this number from this number.
And that would be [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Uh Forgot my backpack.
Yeah.
No, Rod man, Rod man.
Come here.
Could you help me out with this? Right there.
Excellent.
Thanks.
Thanks.
And just remember: Everything she tells you is wrong.
Wait a minute! fake telephone numbers! All right, for the last time, those magazines are not my property.
What, are you telling me you're part of some Socialist porn-swapping club or something? You know, it's women like you that drive men to magazines.
I knew it.
All right.
Enough! Do you guys wanna know who the office porn fiend is? Yes.
Dave.
What's it worth to you? Five thousand dollars.
Let's just say, you promise to help me with my golf essay instead.
Done.
Lisa? Fine.
Whatever.
Okay.
I just wanna get it over with.
All right.
I just want you to know, this is not easy for me, because I am not a snitch.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
It was me.
Yes! Why? A friend of mine told me that you can make a lot of money writing the dirty letters to the editor in those magazines.
Anywayhere is the essay that you promised to help me with, so-- Actually, it's not so much an essay as it is a-- It's more of a letter.
Oh, let me guess, it's not really about golf? No, no.
The beginning is.
But then it You know, it kindameanders off.
Anywaythanks a lot, you guys.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Wait a minute.
Is-- Is this? Grammatically correct? No, I was gonna say, physically possible.
Oh.
[WHISPERS.]
Yes.
Uh, Beth? Yeah? Uh, did those kids leave yet? About an hour ago.
Ah.
Then could you take care of something for me.
They were kissing.
I know.
It's icky, isn't it? Yeah.
Hey.
Bye, Adam.
Bye, spaz.
[.]