NewsRadio (1995) s03e18 Episode Script
Twins
[.]
[KNOCKS ON DESK.]
Hi.
Yeah.
Jimmy? No, no.
Don't, uh-- Don't worry.
I can explain everything.
Go ahead.
Okay, just-- Just hold on a second.
Come on, guys.
There we go.
Mr.
James-- Nope.
Not right now, Dave.
I'm very, very busy removing stuff.
That's what I wanted to ask you about.
Oh, okay.
Shoot.
Why are you removing stuff? Because we are way, way over budget.
Huh? What? Sir, how is Catherine supposed to work without a desk? Yeah? Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
There is a saying, "I cried because I had no desk, until I met a man who had no feet.
" Then the no-feet-guy explained there was such a thing as a budget, and WNYX was way, way over it.
Uh, the end.
You ever hear that story? Yeah, I think I have.
That's from the inspirational teachings of Reverend Jim Jones, right? I don't know.
I'm not a very religious man, but I do know that I don't wanna I don't wanna end the fiscal year in the red, so I brought my budget specialist Robert, here, to help make some-- Some cutbacks.
Robert.
David.
Oh.
No, no, no.
I wanna keep him.
Oh.
Well, sir, I-- I thought we had resolved our budget crisis months ago.
[LAUGHING.]
Resolved it? Right.
I said that we-- We can't afford free snacks for the staff.
You said: Yes, we can.
I said, Christmas party, we can't afford that.
You said: Yes, we can.
I said big antenna thing on top of the building, uh, what the hell is that for? You said: That's our transmitter.
Right.
That's right.
That's right.
And then you said, uh, "Now, who gives a damn what it is.
"Let's just, uh-- Let's just keep spendin' money on it.
Wahoo!" Oh, I have never said "wahoo" in my life.
Yeah, but that's what you meant.
I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna have Robert here take a look at your precious trans-whatever and have him find out what's so damned important about it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Jus-- Just-- Just put that down.
Oh, thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
Okay, go ahead.
I'm sorry, Catherine.
We'll just have to make do with a card table for now.
Don't worry about it.
I'll try and tough it out.
Thanks.
It could be worse, you guys.
I worked at a place once, they had a [.]
How are we supposed to do our jobs? They took away my backup headphones.
And the goldenrod copier paper which is, like, the only pretty color.
And my soldering tools.
And my computer.
Why don't we focus on the work and not get too upset by this, all right? I did not get into this business to make photocopies on plain white paper.
I just didn't.
Look, I promise I promise I'm gonna do what I can, but you have to give me a little bit of time, all right? I have something I'd like to say.
Oh, Bill, I'm quite sure you do.
But, you know, I'm trying my hardest, so if you could just save it.
Believe it or not, Dave, you're not Joseph Stalin and this isn't Elizabethan England.
I demand my right to speak.
Fine.
Go ahead.
People, what is WNYX? A country club? No.
We're a fighting unit.
Am I right? Right.
Yes.
And what do fighting men and women do when they're faced with adversity? They fight.
No, they give in.
Especially when they're hopelessly outmanned.
So they're carting our equipment away.
So what? The only equipment this group needs is a half-dozen number-twos and a pair of golden throats.
[SNICKERS.]
Number-twos.
I think he means pencils.
Oh.
Well, I'm with you, Bill.
That's the spirit.
So let's all keep a stiff upper lip and get behind Dave.
Well, thank you, Bill, for that uncharacteristically well-reasoned outburst.
Um Uh, moving along.
Lisa's gonna be home sick today, so Catherine and I will be splitting her duties.
Wow, last time I stayed home from work sick, I went out shopping in the rain and I actually got sick.
[GIGGLES AND SNORTS.]
Isn't that a weird coincidence? Yeah, life can be unfair like that sometimes.
I know.
Tell me about it.
Yeah, well That's all I have.
MATTHEW: Oh, I-- Uh, real quick.
I got a quickie.
DAVE: What? Well, my brother's coming today, to visit, so Huh? You got a brother? I thought you were an only child.
We're twins.
So-- So it's like we're an only child.
At least, that's what my mom used to tell us.
Identical twins? Yeah.
Oh, good Lord.
I'm sure we're all looking forward to trying to wrap our heads around this one.
But we should probably, uh, get goin' because, uh, they're eager to take our chairs away.
Hey, Dave.
Mr.
Jamesuh Did-- Did you have something to do with this? Oh, sure, sure.
Well, can you tell me something? Exactly how does, uh taking the glass out of my window save us any money? Well, it doesn't.
But if there's glass in that window, how are you gonna hear Beth when she says you have a phone call? Well, that's what the office intercom is for-- Oh, dear God.
Thanks, fellas.
Thanks.
Beth, Catherine, Joe, this-- Well, this gentleman obviously needs no introduction.
Who is he? It's my twin brother, Andrew.
Good-lookin' guy, huh? Stop Yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, these are my co-workers, Andrew.
Did you have a good flight? Yes I did, Matthew.
Wow.
What neat co-workers you have.
ANDREW: Yeah, they're nice.
Um Welcome to New York.
Oh.
I've never been here, uh, in [LAUGHING.]
Oh, God, I'm MATTHEW: I'm sorry.
I'm-- It's me.
I'm Matthew.
That's Andrew.
Gotcha! MATTHEW: We pulled a little, uh, switcherini on ya.
Wow.
Really.
Wow.
Wait.
Hang on a second.
Which one is which? You're? Well Oh, yeah, yeah, I've got it.
MATTHEW: Oh, okay, okay.
Let me show you where to put your bags.
Or are they my bags? [.]
CATHERINE: Those two don't look anything alike.
Well, you know what I think.
I think maybe one of them got some more DNA, somehow.
That's not how DNA works.
Oh, how does it work? Oh, Beth.
I thought you'd never ask.
Why'd you have to do that? DNA, or deoxyribonucleic acid, consists of two amino acid-based strands-- Hey, fellas.
Hey.
Hey.
It's me! Matthew.
Dude, you're not Matthew.
Yeah, obviously, but can you just play along for his sake? Uh, Andrew.
I couldn't help noticing that you really don't look anything like Matthew.
No offense.
Why would I be offended by that? Come on, dude, you guys are not twins.
Sure we are! Me, Andrew, Matthew, Matthew Okay, obviously we're not twins.
But Matthew doesn't know that.
What? Matthew is adopted.
And my parents wanted to make him feel part of the family, so they told us we were twins.
But they told you the truth? No, I figured it out.
Well, why don't you tell him? I promised my parents I'd never tell him.
I keep hoping Matthew's gonna figure it out.
You guys know how Matthew is.
I mean, he's sort of a little ret-- Hey Oh, there you are.
Hey.
I was lookin' for you.
I was lookin' all over for you you old scoundrel.
Um, I wanna show them the thing we did in the junior-high talent show contest-- Yeah, yeah.
Don't go there, dude.
Third place.
Don't be embarrassed.
You're gonna love it.
They're gonna love it.
Watch this.
I just met these people.
Five, six, seven, eight.
BOTH: Wake up and brush your teeth Look in the mirror Is it me? And do the special bow.
Oh, that was great! Thank you.
Let's go show Bill.
Oh, we're gonna show Bill.
He's gonna love it.
That is great.
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Busy.
So, what are you planning to say to Jimmy about the budget cuts? Well, I figured I'd-- I wouldn't go that way.
I say we just tough it out.
Bill, correct me if I'm wrong, but the last time Mr.
James tried to cut the fat around here, you said, and I quote, "I will drink water from the toilet like a dog before I pay for my own sodas.
" My essential position is the same.
No, in fact, it's the exact opposite.
Yes, but opposites attract, don't they? Think about it.
Well-- MR.
JAMES: Morning, Sam.
Morning, Ralph.
I love that joke.
You wanted to see me? Yes, sir, I did.
All right.
NowI've been going over these figures you gave me and, uh, seems to me the thing that's putting us way over budget is this here, this "confidential expenditures.
" Now, what is that? I can't tell you.
It's confidential.
What is it? Is this some sort of a slush fund for you? No! No.
Is it money that's actually spent on another one of your companies? No.
No.
So it's spent on the station? Uh-huh, all right.
Uhfor a piece of equipment? No.
For an employee? I see, okay.
Let me think, let me think Um Follow the money.
I am.
I am.
Uh Okay, did somebody--? Did somebody renegotiate their contract, get a huge raise, then have a confidentiality clause put in so that no one would know what they are earning and that's why we're way over budget? I see.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Dave, Dave, I would love to help you out, but if I reveal any of the details of the confidential negotiations, I'm gonna have to pay this particular person an extra 7000.
Mm-hm.
That's all right.
I think I have all the information that I need.
It's Bill.
I know.
I wasn't supposed to tell.
Did you just cost us another seven grand? Oh! [.]
They literally took the shirt right off my back.
No, they didn't.
Okay, they didn't.
But this is a silent protest.
No, it's not.
You just want Catherine to see you without your shirt on.
At least I'm tryin' somethin'.
Oh, God.
Well, it's not working.
Right, Catherine? What? Yeah, the budget cutting must stop! People, please.
Budget cuts are a fact of life.
If Jimmy tells us to tighten our belts, well, I just say, "How tight?" Oh, do you, now? Yes, I do.
I say, "Cinch it up nice and snug, sir.
I can take it.
" Really? You're damn right.
Why, back in the early days of radio, all they had were jungle drums beating the rhythmic message of traffic and weather from village to village.
But did they complain? Hell no.
Do you hear me complaining? Hell no, because you got a massive secret raise that caused all these problems in the first place.
Exactly.
No! What? What? You mean that Mr.
James is taking all of our office furniture so that he can give Bill more money? DAVE: Uh-huh.
That is completely bogus.
And you, sir, are completely bogus as well.
It's only money, people.
So one of us makes a tad more of it than the rest.
So what? Oh, hold up.
Can you define "tad"? Two, maybe three times as much as others.
Four, tops.
Sixteen.
Oh, my God! You get 16 times what I get? Yes, but it's really not that much.
What are you talking about? Well, you make virtually nothing, so 16 times virtually nothing is [.]
Come on, you guys.
Years from now, when we're all making 16 times what Beth makes, we'll look back on this and laugh.
Won't we? Yes, of course we will.
Oh, what merry times those will be.
Hey, guys.
Hey, there.
Matthew, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm thinkin' these might help clear up the confusion that's in the air.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, unless we get all mischievous and switch 'em up on ya.
Right, bro? Oh, my God, I didn't even think about that.
Put it right up here, bro.
You know, Matthew, maybe it's just me, Matthew, but, uh, you and Andrew, you don't-- You don't really look that much alike.
BETH: Yes, they do.
What do you--? What do you mean? You're handsomer.
You guys are completely identical, but somehow, you're more handsome.
It really is a remarkable resemblance.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
No, in fact, it looks to me like they're not really twins.
That Matthew's adopted and his parents, who aren't actually related to him in any way, were too chicken to tell him the truth.
You told him, didn't you? I didn't tell him nothin'.
It was a lucky guess.
Yeah, right.
Lucky guess.
Lucky for me.
Apparently not lucky for him.
Did you hear that? They just-- They just said we're not really twins.
They-- They said what? They said that we're not really twins, and that I was adopted.
That's crazy, right? Uh I don't know how to tell you this, bro, but, um remember that time where we tested as different blood types? And, umI told you it was 'cause I got the test in advance? What? What, you--? You didn't? Dude, we're still brothers, it's just that we're not actually twins and biologically speaking, we're not actually brothers either.
Oh, come on, we look so much alike.
No, we don't.
I'm three inches shorter than you are.
You have blonde hair, I have brown hair.
You have blue eyes, I have green eyes.
I can grow a beard.
I'm Jewish.
How old are you? Twenty-eight.
And how old am I? Twenty-nine.
Well, I-I thought you-- You came out first.
I didn't have the heart to tell you, man.
I just thought you'd figure it out on your-- Can't.
Move.
That poor, dumb dumbdumbdumb dumb guy.
[.]
DAVE: Well, you've really outdone yourself today, Bill.
You've alienated the entire staff, nearly stripped the office bare, and you've broken poor Matthew's heart.
You think I'm proud of myself? Everyone hates me now.
And not like before when they all sort of hated me, either.
This is the real stuff.
In the first place, why would you ask for a raise so big it would cripple the station? Greed.
All right, and what has that greed gotten you? Money.
And what can that money ultimately buy? Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up.
Please, I need your help.
I will do literally anything to patch things up with the staff.
There's really only one thing you can do.
What? Give back the money so we can run the station properly.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah, right! Seriously.
I will do literally anything.
Then give back the money.
Right.
If you think of anything, I'll be right out here.
Anything at all.
So, what's everyone doing at quittin' time? You suck.
Beth? You suck.
Okay.
I suck.
Speakin' of which, why don't we suck down some drinks? On me, of course.
How 'bout it? Shut your pie hole, jackass.
Good night.
Maybe some other time.
CATHERINE: You suck! So how you holdin' up? Fine.
Everyone hates me, but fine.
Oh, I-- I don't hate you.
Well, thank heaven for small miracles.
Hey, where's Andrew? Oh, he's comin' up.
He's gonna-- We're gonna go out to dinner.
This has been a tough day for you, too, hasn't it? Tougher than you know.
At least you got your brother to help you through this.
Even though he's not technically your brother.
You know what I'm saying.
Actually, I'm I'm It's better for me this way, that it's all out in the open.
Right, because now you can go find your real parents.
You know, the ones who decided they didn't want you for some reason.
Bill, come on.
Don't be an idiot.
I'm not the one that's adopted.
Okay? Andrew's the one that's adopted.
No way.
Way.
I've just been pretending to be twins all these years so that he wouldn't be upset.
If-- If Andrew knew he was adopted it would just-- It would crush him.
Hold on.
How can you be sure he's the one who's adopted? Get real, Bill.
What do you think I am, stupid? Here.
Picture.
That's my parents right there.
You tell me.
Whoa.
I guess you can be sure.
Tell no one.
Does your mother always wear a tie? That's my dad.
Hey, bro.
Ready to get some dinner? Here you are.
Let's go.
You know, Andrew your brother's one hell of a guy.
Yeah, I know.
Why his real parents didn't want him I'll never know.
Well, they probably just didn't love me.
No biggie.
Let's go.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Mom! [.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
We're busy.
Well, speak of the devil.
All right, I've had a bit of a change of heart, and I wanna give the money back.
Really, Bill? I'm very impressed.
You're a bigger man than I am, Gunga Din.
There you go.
What, 200 bucks? That's all? Well, I can't give back all the money.
Seriously, if you have any ideas Well, you know, it doesn't really matter, Bill.
I think we've come up with a solution.
Yeah, tell him, Robert.
What we could do-- See, according to Robert, we can write off your extra salary as a second job in another division that's running a budget surplus.
What does that mean? Tell him, Robert.
If we were to-- See, what Robert means is, is if we give you a fake job, you know, like say creative consultant to our executive pool supervisor, we could write off your raise on a technicality.
And that'll work? Oh, yeah, if it works for you, it works for us.
Well, it works for me.
Let's do it.
Alrighty.
Great, Bill.
See, I knew we could solve this.
Nice doing business with you, gentlemen.
Say, Dave, why don't you come on out to the house this weekend? Oh, sir, that would be my very great pleasure.
Can I come? Oh, sure.
Yes, of course.
[.]
You're really making me go through with this? JIMMY: Well, I gotta get my money's worth, Bill.
But I thought this was a made-up job.
A technicality.
Well, technically, that was a lie.
He missed a leaf over there.
You missed a leaf over there.
Watch this.
Ha-ha! Attaboy.
Good dog.
This is livin'.
Yeah, ain't that so.
Hey, hey, look, uh Ha-ha! Attababy! Hey, wait.
What--? Where's the guys? [HORN HONKS.]
JOE: Hey, where's the beer? Hey! Hey ya! All right, Bill, you can take a break.
Thanks, Jim.
And go inside and whip up some snacks for the guests.
That's where I draw the line.
Read your contract.
[WATER SPLASHES.]
[.]
Good dog.
Dave, the accountant on line one.
Tell him I'm busy.
Okay.
I'm just gonna go downstairs for a while, okay? Fine.
I'm going downstairs.
I think I said that was fine.
Dave, you have to look.
Why? Beth, I-I've seen that one, thanks.
Seen what, Dave? Takin' the escalator, Joe? JOE: Yup.
Beth? I can't hear you, Dave, I'm downstairs.
Very amusing, Beth.
Now get back to work.
Whatever you say, Dave.
[KNOCKS ON DESK.]
Hi.
Yeah.
Jimmy? No, no.
Don't, uh-- Don't worry.
I can explain everything.
Go ahead.
Okay, just-- Just hold on a second.
Come on, guys.
There we go.
Mr.
James-- Nope.
Not right now, Dave.
I'm very, very busy removing stuff.
That's what I wanted to ask you about.
Oh, okay.
Shoot.
Why are you removing stuff? Because we are way, way over budget.
Huh? What? Sir, how is Catherine supposed to work without a desk? Yeah? Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
There is a saying, "I cried because I had no desk, until I met a man who had no feet.
" Then the no-feet-guy explained there was such a thing as a budget, and WNYX was way, way over it.
Uh, the end.
You ever hear that story? Yeah, I think I have.
That's from the inspirational teachings of Reverend Jim Jones, right? I don't know.
I'm not a very religious man, but I do know that I don't wanna I don't wanna end the fiscal year in the red, so I brought my budget specialist Robert, here, to help make some-- Some cutbacks.
Robert.
David.
Oh.
No, no, no.
I wanna keep him.
Oh.
Well, sir, I-- I thought we had resolved our budget crisis months ago.
[LAUGHING.]
Resolved it? Right.
I said that we-- We can't afford free snacks for the staff.
You said: Yes, we can.
I said, Christmas party, we can't afford that.
You said: Yes, we can.
I said big antenna thing on top of the building, uh, what the hell is that for? You said: That's our transmitter.
Right.
That's right.
That's right.
And then you said, uh, "Now, who gives a damn what it is.
"Let's just, uh-- Let's just keep spendin' money on it.
Wahoo!" Oh, I have never said "wahoo" in my life.
Yeah, but that's what you meant.
I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna have Robert here take a look at your precious trans-whatever and have him find out what's so damned important about it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Jus-- Just-- Just put that down.
Oh, thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
Okay, go ahead.
I'm sorry, Catherine.
We'll just have to make do with a card table for now.
Don't worry about it.
I'll try and tough it out.
Thanks.
It could be worse, you guys.
I worked at a place once, they had a [.]
How are we supposed to do our jobs? They took away my backup headphones.
And the goldenrod copier paper which is, like, the only pretty color.
And my soldering tools.
And my computer.
Why don't we focus on the work and not get too upset by this, all right? I did not get into this business to make photocopies on plain white paper.
I just didn't.
Look, I promise I promise I'm gonna do what I can, but you have to give me a little bit of time, all right? I have something I'd like to say.
Oh, Bill, I'm quite sure you do.
But, you know, I'm trying my hardest, so if you could just save it.
Believe it or not, Dave, you're not Joseph Stalin and this isn't Elizabethan England.
I demand my right to speak.
Fine.
Go ahead.
People, what is WNYX? A country club? No.
We're a fighting unit.
Am I right? Right.
Yes.
And what do fighting men and women do when they're faced with adversity? They fight.
No, they give in.
Especially when they're hopelessly outmanned.
So they're carting our equipment away.
So what? The only equipment this group needs is a half-dozen number-twos and a pair of golden throats.
[SNICKERS.]
Number-twos.
I think he means pencils.
Oh.
Well, I'm with you, Bill.
That's the spirit.
So let's all keep a stiff upper lip and get behind Dave.
Well, thank you, Bill, for that uncharacteristically well-reasoned outburst.
Um Uh, moving along.
Lisa's gonna be home sick today, so Catherine and I will be splitting her duties.
Wow, last time I stayed home from work sick, I went out shopping in the rain and I actually got sick.
[GIGGLES AND SNORTS.]
Isn't that a weird coincidence? Yeah, life can be unfair like that sometimes.
I know.
Tell me about it.
Yeah, well That's all I have.
MATTHEW: Oh, I-- Uh, real quick.
I got a quickie.
DAVE: What? Well, my brother's coming today, to visit, so Huh? You got a brother? I thought you were an only child.
We're twins.
So-- So it's like we're an only child.
At least, that's what my mom used to tell us.
Identical twins? Yeah.
Oh, good Lord.
I'm sure we're all looking forward to trying to wrap our heads around this one.
But we should probably, uh, get goin' because, uh, they're eager to take our chairs away.
Hey, Dave.
Mr.
Jamesuh Did-- Did you have something to do with this? Oh, sure, sure.
Well, can you tell me something? Exactly how does, uh taking the glass out of my window save us any money? Well, it doesn't.
But if there's glass in that window, how are you gonna hear Beth when she says you have a phone call? Well, that's what the office intercom is for-- Oh, dear God.
Thanks, fellas.
Thanks.
Beth, Catherine, Joe, this-- Well, this gentleman obviously needs no introduction.
Who is he? It's my twin brother, Andrew.
Good-lookin' guy, huh? Stop Yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, these are my co-workers, Andrew.
Did you have a good flight? Yes I did, Matthew.
Wow.
What neat co-workers you have.
ANDREW: Yeah, they're nice.
Um Welcome to New York.
Oh.
I've never been here, uh, in [LAUGHING.]
Oh, God, I'm MATTHEW: I'm sorry.
I'm-- It's me.
I'm Matthew.
That's Andrew.
Gotcha! MATTHEW: We pulled a little, uh, switcherini on ya.
Wow.
Really.
Wow.
Wait.
Hang on a second.
Which one is which? You're? Well Oh, yeah, yeah, I've got it.
MATTHEW: Oh, okay, okay.
Let me show you where to put your bags.
Or are they my bags? [.]
CATHERINE: Those two don't look anything alike.
Well, you know what I think.
I think maybe one of them got some more DNA, somehow.
That's not how DNA works.
Oh, how does it work? Oh, Beth.
I thought you'd never ask.
Why'd you have to do that? DNA, or deoxyribonucleic acid, consists of two amino acid-based strands-- Hey, fellas.
Hey.
Hey.
It's me! Matthew.
Dude, you're not Matthew.
Yeah, obviously, but can you just play along for his sake? Uh, Andrew.
I couldn't help noticing that you really don't look anything like Matthew.
No offense.
Why would I be offended by that? Come on, dude, you guys are not twins.
Sure we are! Me, Andrew, Matthew, Matthew Okay, obviously we're not twins.
But Matthew doesn't know that.
What? Matthew is adopted.
And my parents wanted to make him feel part of the family, so they told us we were twins.
But they told you the truth? No, I figured it out.
Well, why don't you tell him? I promised my parents I'd never tell him.
I keep hoping Matthew's gonna figure it out.
You guys know how Matthew is.
I mean, he's sort of a little ret-- Hey Oh, there you are.
Hey.
I was lookin' for you.
I was lookin' all over for you you old scoundrel.
Um, I wanna show them the thing we did in the junior-high talent show contest-- Yeah, yeah.
Don't go there, dude.
Third place.
Don't be embarrassed.
You're gonna love it.
They're gonna love it.
Watch this.
I just met these people.
Five, six, seven, eight.
BOTH: Wake up and brush your teeth Look in the mirror Is it me? And do the special bow.
Oh, that was great! Thank you.
Let's go show Bill.
Oh, we're gonna show Bill.
He's gonna love it.
That is great.
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Busy.
So, what are you planning to say to Jimmy about the budget cuts? Well, I figured I'd-- I wouldn't go that way.
I say we just tough it out.
Bill, correct me if I'm wrong, but the last time Mr.
James tried to cut the fat around here, you said, and I quote, "I will drink water from the toilet like a dog before I pay for my own sodas.
" My essential position is the same.
No, in fact, it's the exact opposite.
Yes, but opposites attract, don't they? Think about it.
Well-- MR.
JAMES: Morning, Sam.
Morning, Ralph.
I love that joke.
You wanted to see me? Yes, sir, I did.
All right.
NowI've been going over these figures you gave me and, uh, seems to me the thing that's putting us way over budget is this here, this "confidential expenditures.
" Now, what is that? I can't tell you.
It's confidential.
What is it? Is this some sort of a slush fund for you? No! No.
Is it money that's actually spent on another one of your companies? No.
No.
So it's spent on the station? Uh-huh, all right.
Uhfor a piece of equipment? No.
For an employee? I see, okay.
Let me think, let me think Um Follow the money.
I am.
I am.
Uh Okay, did somebody--? Did somebody renegotiate their contract, get a huge raise, then have a confidentiality clause put in so that no one would know what they are earning and that's why we're way over budget? I see.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Dave, Dave, I would love to help you out, but if I reveal any of the details of the confidential negotiations, I'm gonna have to pay this particular person an extra 7000.
Mm-hm.
That's all right.
I think I have all the information that I need.
It's Bill.
I know.
I wasn't supposed to tell.
Did you just cost us another seven grand? Oh! [.]
They literally took the shirt right off my back.
No, they didn't.
Okay, they didn't.
But this is a silent protest.
No, it's not.
You just want Catherine to see you without your shirt on.
At least I'm tryin' somethin'.
Oh, God.
Well, it's not working.
Right, Catherine? What? Yeah, the budget cutting must stop! People, please.
Budget cuts are a fact of life.
If Jimmy tells us to tighten our belts, well, I just say, "How tight?" Oh, do you, now? Yes, I do.
I say, "Cinch it up nice and snug, sir.
I can take it.
" Really? You're damn right.
Why, back in the early days of radio, all they had were jungle drums beating the rhythmic message of traffic and weather from village to village.
But did they complain? Hell no.
Do you hear me complaining? Hell no, because you got a massive secret raise that caused all these problems in the first place.
Exactly.
No! What? What? You mean that Mr.
James is taking all of our office furniture so that he can give Bill more money? DAVE: Uh-huh.
That is completely bogus.
And you, sir, are completely bogus as well.
It's only money, people.
So one of us makes a tad more of it than the rest.
So what? Oh, hold up.
Can you define "tad"? Two, maybe three times as much as others.
Four, tops.
Sixteen.
Oh, my God! You get 16 times what I get? Yes, but it's really not that much.
What are you talking about? Well, you make virtually nothing, so 16 times virtually nothing is [.]
Come on, you guys.
Years from now, when we're all making 16 times what Beth makes, we'll look back on this and laugh.
Won't we? Yes, of course we will.
Oh, what merry times those will be.
Hey, guys.
Hey, there.
Matthew, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm thinkin' these might help clear up the confusion that's in the air.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, unless we get all mischievous and switch 'em up on ya.
Right, bro? Oh, my God, I didn't even think about that.
Put it right up here, bro.
You know, Matthew, maybe it's just me, Matthew, but, uh, you and Andrew, you don't-- You don't really look that much alike.
BETH: Yes, they do.
What do you--? What do you mean? You're handsomer.
You guys are completely identical, but somehow, you're more handsome.
It really is a remarkable resemblance.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
No, in fact, it looks to me like they're not really twins.
That Matthew's adopted and his parents, who aren't actually related to him in any way, were too chicken to tell him the truth.
You told him, didn't you? I didn't tell him nothin'.
It was a lucky guess.
Yeah, right.
Lucky guess.
Lucky for me.
Apparently not lucky for him.
Did you hear that? They just-- They just said we're not really twins.
They-- They said what? They said that we're not really twins, and that I was adopted.
That's crazy, right? Uh I don't know how to tell you this, bro, but, um remember that time where we tested as different blood types? And, umI told you it was 'cause I got the test in advance? What? What, you--? You didn't? Dude, we're still brothers, it's just that we're not actually twins and biologically speaking, we're not actually brothers either.
Oh, come on, we look so much alike.
No, we don't.
I'm three inches shorter than you are.
You have blonde hair, I have brown hair.
You have blue eyes, I have green eyes.
I can grow a beard.
I'm Jewish.
How old are you? Twenty-eight.
And how old am I? Twenty-nine.
Well, I-I thought you-- You came out first.
I didn't have the heart to tell you, man.
I just thought you'd figure it out on your-- Can't.
Move.
That poor, dumb dumbdumbdumb dumb guy.
[.]
DAVE: Well, you've really outdone yourself today, Bill.
You've alienated the entire staff, nearly stripped the office bare, and you've broken poor Matthew's heart.
You think I'm proud of myself? Everyone hates me now.
And not like before when they all sort of hated me, either.
This is the real stuff.
In the first place, why would you ask for a raise so big it would cripple the station? Greed.
All right, and what has that greed gotten you? Money.
And what can that money ultimately buy? Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up.
Please, I need your help.
I will do literally anything to patch things up with the staff.
There's really only one thing you can do.
What? Give back the money so we can run the station properly.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah, right! Seriously.
I will do literally anything.
Then give back the money.
Right.
If you think of anything, I'll be right out here.
Anything at all.
So, what's everyone doing at quittin' time? You suck.
Beth? You suck.
Okay.
I suck.
Speakin' of which, why don't we suck down some drinks? On me, of course.
How 'bout it? Shut your pie hole, jackass.
Good night.
Maybe some other time.
CATHERINE: You suck! So how you holdin' up? Fine.
Everyone hates me, but fine.
Oh, I-- I don't hate you.
Well, thank heaven for small miracles.
Hey, where's Andrew? Oh, he's comin' up.
He's gonna-- We're gonna go out to dinner.
This has been a tough day for you, too, hasn't it? Tougher than you know.
At least you got your brother to help you through this.
Even though he's not technically your brother.
You know what I'm saying.
Actually, I'm I'm It's better for me this way, that it's all out in the open.
Right, because now you can go find your real parents.
You know, the ones who decided they didn't want you for some reason.
Bill, come on.
Don't be an idiot.
I'm not the one that's adopted.
Okay? Andrew's the one that's adopted.
No way.
Way.
I've just been pretending to be twins all these years so that he wouldn't be upset.
If-- If Andrew knew he was adopted it would just-- It would crush him.
Hold on.
How can you be sure he's the one who's adopted? Get real, Bill.
What do you think I am, stupid? Here.
Picture.
That's my parents right there.
You tell me.
Whoa.
I guess you can be sure.
Tell no one.
Does your mother always wear a tie? That's my dad.
Hey, bro.
Ready to get some dinner? Here you are.
Let's go.
You know, Andrew your brother's one hell of a guy.
Yeah, I know.
Why his real parents didn't want him I'll never know.
Well, they probably just didn't love me.
No biggie.
Let's go.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Mom! [.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
We're busy.
Well, speak of the devil.
All right, I've had a bit of a change of heart, and I wanna give the money back.
Really, Bill? I'm very impressed.
You're a bigger man than I am, Gunga Din.
There you go.
What, 200 bucks? That's all? Well, I can't give back all the money.
Seriously, if you have any ideas Well, you know, it doesn't really matter, Bill.
I think we've come up with a solution.
Yeah, tell him, Robert.
What we could do-- See, according to Robert, we can write off your extra salary as a second job in another division that's running a budget surplus.
What does that mean? Tell him, Robert.
If we were to-- See, what Robert means is, is if we give you a fake job, you know, like say creative consultant to our executive pool supervisor, we could write off your raise on a technicality.
And that'll work? Oh, yeah, if it works for you, it works for us.
Well, it works for me.
Let's do it.
Alrighty.
Great, Bill.
See, I knew we could solve this.
Nice doing business with you, gentlemen.
Say, Dave, why don't you come on out to the house this weekend? Oh, sir, that would be my very great pleasure.
Can I come? Oh, sure.
Yes, of course.
[.]
You're really making me go through with this? JIMMY: Well, I gotta get my money's worth, Bill.
But I thought this was a made-up job.
A technicality.
Well, technically, that was a lie.
He missed a leaf over there.
You missed a leaf over there.
Watch this.
Ha-ha! Attaboy.
Good dog.
This is livin'.
Yeah, ain't that so.
Hey, hey, look, uh Ha-ha! Attababy! Hey, wait.
What--? Where's the guys? [HORN HONKS.]
JOE: Hey, where's the beer? Hey! Hey ya! All right, Bill, you can take a break.
Thanks, Jim.
And go inside and whip up some snacks for the guests.
That's where I draw the line.
Read your contract.
[WATER SPLASHES.]
[.]
Good dog.
Dave, the accountant on line one.
Tell him I'm busy.
Okay.
I'm just gonna go downstairs for a while, okay? Fine.
I'm going downstairs.
I think I said that was fine.
Dave, you have to look.
Why? Beth, I-I've seen that one, thanks.
Seen what, Dave? Takin' the escalator, Joe? JOE: Yup.
Beth? I can't hear you, Dave, I'm downstairs.
Very amusing, Beth.
Now get back to work.
Whatever you say, Dave.