NewsRadio (1995) s03e20 Episode Script
Our Fiftieth Episode
[.]
[SIREN CHIRPS.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Yes? Dave? Yes, Catherine? I didn't want to say anything in front of everybody, but Bill might not be coming in today at all.
Oh, why not? Well, he got a parking ticket this morning, and I guess he got into an argument with the meter maid, and well he got arrested.
For arguing with a meter maid? No.
For resisting arrest.
What were they arresting him for that he could be resisting? This isn't some sort of brain teaser, okay? Bill really got arrested.
All right, let's go bail him out.
Well, that might be tough.
Hm? Apparently, when he got down to the police station, he kept on arguing and arguing and arguing-- And they shot him.
Dave, this is serious.
Apparently, when someone who's been arrested is noncooperative or hostile, it's standard procedure to give them a routine psychiatric evaluation.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Bill has been committed to a psychiatric hospital for observation.
Ha! [CLEARS THROAT.]
[.]
[PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
How are we doing today, Mr.
McNeal? I'm fine.
Really? You don't look fine.
What's going on inthere? If I tried to explain, you wouldn't believe me.
And then you'd make a few notes on your clipboard, and then you'd go type them up and use them as further proof that I'm crazy, which I'm not.
I see.
Like that.
Thank you.
Mr.
McNeal Uh, er, may I call you "Mike"? No, because my name is Bill.
That's not what it says here, Mike.
Bill.
And I'm not crazy.
No one here is "crazy.
" What about that guy over there making out with the light switch? Well, okay, he's crazy.
But come on, now.
Who amongst us has never had the urge to make out with a light switch? [CHUCKLES.]
Hi, can you excuse us, please? I'm in the middle of an evaluation.
Fred, give me the coat and the clipboard.
Oh, you know what? Fine.
Just trying to help.
You steal these outta the doctors' cloakroom again, I'm gonna have to revoke your TV privileges.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, ouch.
Cigarette? Yes, please.
I wasn't offering you one.
Then why did you say "cigarette"? I was talking to the cigarette.
Now, if you'll excuse us, please.
Cigarette prepare to be smoked.
Oh, I see.
You're crazy.
Yes.
But I prefer the term "crazy.
" May I have a cigarette, please? Garçon! Cigarette for the good man, if you'd be so kind.
Name? Bill McNeal.
Name? Bill McNeal! Name? Mike.
There you go, Mike.
Don't be afraid, Mike.
Fire good.
My name is not Mike.
Someone obviously typed it up wrong on some paperwork, so-- I know, I know.
My name isn't Fred, either.
But it's just easier to play their game.
Hey, if you'd like, I-- I could call you "Bill.
" Thank you.
You're welcome.
So, what's your real name? Ulysses S.
Grant, of the United States.
You're not the 18th president of the United States.
Obviously! That's just my name, not my job.
What, are you nuts? No offense.
Huh? Yeah, well, what about older women? What's their opinion? Mr.
James? Yeah, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Thank you.
Yeah, no, no, just-- All right.
Just-- Just hold on a second.
What, uh? What do we do on The Real Deal with Bill McNeal? I gonna fill in till Bill gets back.
We're fine.
That's not what my audience-research people say.
What audience-research people? These audience-research people.
See, now, the common man wants to hear you do a show with a-- Ahem.
A cohost.
That's fine.
I have no problem cohosting a show with Catherine.
No, no, no.
Common man wants to hear you do a show with Joe.
[LAUGHS.]
You want me to do a serious, issue-oriented show with Joe? Yeah.
Unless, of course, you'd rather have Joe do it with Catherine.
Fine.
Good, good.
Thanks, Lisa.
Huh? Yeah.
No-- Wait, she's gone.
Yeah.
Okay.
Talk to me, talk to me.
Now, what--? [WATER TRICKLING.]
What, uh? What--? What do the real people think about my idea? BETH: Sir, I'm afraid the data is still inconclusive.
I'm gonna have to do a little more snooping around.
Ah, shoot.
You poor thing.
Where are you now? Well, like you suggested, I've infiltrated a midtown business establishment to gauge their listening tastes.
I know this is hard, but I need for you to stay out in the field until I get this show fixed.
Okay, but this type of research could get kind of expensive.
Hell, that's why I gave you the corporate credit card.
Now, you just do whatever it takes to get me that info.
Whatever it takes.
Ten-four.
Is the Swedish massage here administered by an actual Swede? Oh, Mr.
McNeal.
Interesting case.
Very troubled.
No, no.
He really isn't.
No.
There's been some sort of a misunderstanding.
You see, Bill isn't actually crazy.
Oh, no, I'm afraid he's quite crazy.
We work with Bill.
We know him very well.
Well, then you will have noticed that Mr.
McNeal is a textbook paranoid psychotic.
He has difficulty forming emotional relationships with others.
Well, that may be so, but-- He exhibits irrational hostility that often manifests itself in manipulative behavior.
True.
But, but-- He thinks that none of his friends like him.
Well, you know, sometimes he makes it hard, but-- And his feelings about his parents are unusual, at best.
But you don't understand Bill the way we do.
Ah, which brings me to my next point.
Ever since Bill came here, he's been calling himself "Mike.
" Could be delusional.
Sure, Bill has his problems.
We-- We all do.
But I've been working with him for nearly three years now, and he's one of the most capable and-- And reasonable and rational people I've ever-- I've ever met.
You're doing him a great-- Disservice.
Disservice by keeping him here.
Well, you may be right, but only time will tell.
CATHERINE: Can we talk to him? Oh, I'm afraid not.
No visitors for the first 24 hours.
Oh, look, this is outrageous.
Sorry you feel that way, Mr.
Nelson, but we will keep you updated as to his condition, and, uhyou can always see him tomorrow.
Mr.
Nelson.
Mr.
Nelson.
Hm? This is not the ape cage at the zoo.
Please, don't rile up the patients.
Sorry.
Thank you, Mr.
Nelson.
See what you've started? Sorry again.
LISA: Bill McNeal is out sick today.
Joe and I will be discussing the problems of New York City schools.
There's a lot of room for improvement.
Wrong! Our New York City public school system is the best in the world.
End of story.
Wellthen maybe you can explain why a prominent board member recently declared the city schools a disaster.
Easy.
Because he is dumb, and I am smart.
Wellthe dropout rate is up 12 percent.
City SAT scores are down You're making that up.
No, I'm not.
I'm reading it from this report from the secretary of education.
That's a cup of coffee.
Ladies and gentlemen, she is holding a cup of coffee and pretending it's a government report.
LISA: No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
And what the report really says is that one year in a New York City public school is equivalent to five years at the Sore-bone or whatever that famous French school is.
No, it doesn't.
You know what, Lisa? If you had went to New York City public schools, maybe you wouldn't have the self-esteem problem that allowed you to balloon up to 300 pounds.
I am not 300 pounds! We'll be right back.
Look, to be completely honest with you, I agree.
The schools suck.
Joe, you can't just make stuff up.
I'm not.
My on-air persona is.
Well, tell him to knock it off.
I can't.
He's crazy.
So, what does Johnny Lunchpail think of our new direction? Oh, well, so far, sir, my research is pretty inconclusive.
Well, people say they like the show? You know, I can't really be sure yet.
I think this is the kind of problem you have to you know, throw more money at.
Okay, then.
Do it to it.
Okay, ten-four, Mr.
James.
Ah, th-- Oh.
Ew.
I think you're gonna kill me, but can we go back to the other way? The second one we tried? I think it was the third.
It had like a-- More of a Southern [.]
[DOOR CLANGS SHUT, KEYS JANGLE.]
And then what happened? I told you already.
Tell me again.
I just wanna go to sleep.
Look, it's your fault my television privileges got revoked.
I wasn't the one who ordered you to pretend to be a doctor.
No, but you do sound just like the guy inside my head.
So tell me again.
Fine.
Where was I? Oh, yes.
So then Urkel decided to send the Urkelbot to the job interview instead of going himself.
Why? I don't know why.
I guess because it would allow a mix-up to occur that we, the viewer, would find amusing.
Was it amusing? Not really.
Then I must ask you again: Why did he send the Urkelbot? Because he didn't think he was good enough to get the job.
But when the Urkelbot broke down and Urkel had to explain himself, the man was so impressed with his honesty that he got the job.
The end.
That was beautiful, Mike.
Right, fellas? [APPLAUSE.]
Thank you.
You're too kind.
MAN: Hey, quiet down in there, guys.
Psst.
What do you say we get out of here? I'd love to, Fred, but I don't really think that's an option.
Think again.
See that window up there? A tall guy like yourself, with the guidance of a brilliant mastermind like myself, could jimmy the latch, and we could be outside within minutes.
[SIGHS.]
I think it would be better if we just went to sleep.
Yeah, okay.
You're probably right.
You need to rest up.
Day two is usually when they start the electroshock treatment.
[LAUGHS.]
I told you it would work! Shhh.
Oh.
Aren't the stars beautiful? Yes.
Very.
Now, which way do we go? What do you mean? I said we could get outside.
And here we are.
Outside.
But I thought we were going to escape! Oh, you've seen too many movies.
Okay.
Then how do we get back inside? Simple, my friend.
We simply scream and scream until the orderlies bring us a ladder.
But that can wait.
Wonderful.
Cigarette? No, thanks.
Again, I wasn't talking to you.
Cigarette prepare to pleasure me.
All right.
Well, this all appears to be in order.
I'll just need your signatures here and here, and I'll need Mr.
McNeal's signature right there.
Okay.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Good morning, old friends.
You okay, honey? Never better, my sweet.
What brings you two here? Well, Bill, it looks like we've been able to work this thing out legally.
They'll release you into our custody, so long as you sign these papers agreeing that you won't sue anyone for their horrible mistake.
I'm not signing these.
Bill, you have nothing to gain by suing anyone.
No, no, no, no.
Just-- I'm not signing these because I'm not leaving.
I happen to like it here.
Are you on some kind of medication? No, I'm not.
But I'll tell you what I'm high on.
Freedom.
Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution.
And I've never felt freer.
You know all those maddening little decisions that torment you all day long? Here, someone else makes all the decisions for you.
And you like that? I love it! No more wasting precious time trying to decide eat now or eat later, eat more or eat less.
And then, of course, there's the camaraderie.
Bill? Bill, these people are insane.
Oh, really? Then why did they elect me prime minister of Ward 15 this morning? Exactly how long do you plan on staying here? I don't know.
A week.
Maybe two.
I have some vacation days saved up.
Bill [BELL RINGS.]
Ah.
That can mean only one thing: Snack time.
Give my regards to everyone at the office, and tell Beth I-- Prime Minister Mike? What are you waiting for? It's snack time.
What are they serving? Snacks! Excellent.
Lead the way, my good man! Bill, come on.
You cannot vacation in a mental ward.
It's just not done.
Don't be naive.
That's what I'm doing.
BILL: See? I'm not alone.
It's true.
See, I have a very stressful job.
All day long, it's just decisions, decisions, decisions.
So I come here to get away from it all.
Well, what do you do? I'm an air traffic controller.
Really? Oh, yes.
You see, I hardly get any vacation days from my job, so every six months or so, I flip out, and I put my fist through a radar screen, and then they send me here.
He means he pretends to flip out.
No, I-- I actually flip out.
At least half the guys here are running the same scam.
We've got a heart surgeon, a guy who designs bridges, a member of a SWAT team.
Oh, we've even got a CEO of a very successful intergalactic spice-mining corporation.
Perhaps you've heard of him.
Gorzon the Merciless.
Actually, I think that guy's really crazy.
Yeah.
Crazy like a fox.
Look who's eatin' all the snacks.
Let's go! Dave? Huh? Come on, let's go.
Oh, sorry.
I was just thinking how-- How great it would be to never have to make any more decisions.
Heh.
Like Lisa ever lets you make any decisions.
Mr.
James, can you please tell Joe that the fake fighting isn't working? Already did it.
In fact, I told him to go exactly the opposite way.
Which way is that? You'll see.
What? [SIGHS.]
I don't wanna do this.
JIMMY: Come on.
Do what? Hello.
Welcome to The Real Deal with Lisa Miller and Joe Garrelli.
Today we hope to have a frank discussion about the changing role of welfare in the city and in our nation as a whole-- Uh, Lisa, if I can interrupt--? No, Joe, you may not.
And in our nation as a whole-- Please.
It's, uh, very important.
What is it? Lisa, we've worked together for some time, and I know you as a competent and attractive young reporter.
And in the past few years, this fond respect has blossomed into love.
What? I can keep silent no longer.
I am on bended knee, asking for your heavy hand in marriage.
Live, on the air, where our love first grew during the all-important drivetime period.
Only on WNYX.
Lisa will you marry me? [CLEARS THROAT.]
This concludes today's broadcast of The Real Deal with Bill McNeal.
The show will return when its regular host, Bill McNeal, returns from vacation.
Now stay tuned for a commercial break and 28 minutes of dead air.
This is horrible.
I know.
Will she say yes? Will she say no? Is she pregnant with the traffic guy's child, and she's trying to protect the inheritance? I leave for two days, and they stoop to this kind of sensationalistic crap? I hate this.
It's horrible.
I hate cliffhangers.
What time do we tune in tomorrow? No, that's it.
I want out of here.
Hello! I want out of here! I'm ready to sign those papers! Me too! I want out! I want out, and I want papers! I want papers and a private jet after I get out.
Yeah, we're gonna need the fire hose over here in Ward 15.
[ALL CLAMORING.]
[.]
No, Beth, I'm calling it off.
Bill should be back to work tomorrow, so, uh, come on back.
But, sir, I'm digging up some really great information.
If you could give me more time-- It's over.
Forget it.
Damn! It's not that big a deal, all right? I'll see you in about 15 minutes.
Oh, it's gonna take me a while to get back.
Whatever.
I'll see you when I see you.
Ten-four.
I'm gonna need to charter a helicopter back to Manhattan, so you can-- Thank you so much.
Put that right on my card.
Thanks.
Hey, uh, don't you wanna change into your regular clothes first? From now on, these just might be my regular clothes.
I'm not doing the news with a man in shabby pajamas.
Hey, these aren't shabby.
And they weren't cheap.
I paid 15 cigarettes for these.
Fine.
Let's go.
You guys go on ahead.
I need to say goodbye.
All right.
Where you going, Mike? I'd love to stay, but well, without my constant supervision, the real world goes to hell in a hand basket.
It's tough being prime minister.
Gonna miss you, Mike.
Especially your beautiful stories.
Hey, if you ever wanna hear me telling a story, just tune in to 585 AM between 10 and 6.
I'll be there for you.
Yeah.
Okay.
And if you're ever flying into La Guardia, you just know that I'm down there somewhere, trying to figure out how the hell to keep you from slamming into one of the other 50 planes up there.
That's sweet.
Well thanks again, Bill.
No, thank you Ulysses S.
Grant, of the United States.
Hey, Igot you a going-away present.
Thank you.
Goodbye, old friend.
Goodbye.
[TEARFULLY.]
I was talking to the cigarette.
[.]
How 'bout them Mets? Excellent ball club, sir.
Mm-hmm.
I love the Mets.
[FLATLY.]
Tell us more, Joe.
I love baseball in general.
I love all sports.
Mm-hmm.
Can you explain why you like sports? I like sports, sir, because I'm not very good at communicating with people.
Therefore, I like violent activities that release a lot of testosterone and calm me down.
Say, Joe, how 'bout them Mets?
[SIREN CHIRPS.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Yes? Dave? Yes, Catherine? I didn't want to say anything in front of everybody, but Bill might not be coming in today at all.
Oh, why not? Well, he got a parking ticket this morning, and I guess he got into an argument with the meter maid, and well he got arrested.
For arguing with a meter maid? No.
For resisting arrest.
What were they arresting him for that he could be resisting? This isn't some sort of brain teaser, okay? Bill really got arrested.
All right, let's go bail him out.
Well, that might be tough.
Hm? Apparently, when he got down to the police station, he kept on arguing and arguing and arguing-- And they shot him.
Dave, this is serious.
Apparently, when someone who's been arrested is noncooperative or hostile, it's standard procedure to give them a routine psychiatric evaluation.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Bill has been committed to a psychiatric hospital for observation.
Ha! [CLEARS THROAT.]
[.]
[PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
How are we doing today, Mr.
McNeal? I'm fine.
Really? You don't look fine.
What's going on inthere? If I tried to explain, you wouldn't believe me.
And then you'd make a few notes on your clipboard, and then you'd go type them up and use them as further proof that I'm crazy, which I'm not.
I see.
Like that.
Thank you.
Mr.
McNeal Uh, er, may I call you "Mike"? No, because my name is Bill.
That's not what it says here, Mike.
Bill.
And I'm not crazy.
No one here is "crazy.
" What about that guy over there making out with the light switch? Well, okay, he's crazy.
But come on, now.
Who amongst us has never had the urge to make out with a light switch? [CHUCKLES.]
Hi, can you excuse us, please? I'm in the middle of an evaluation.
Fred, give me the coat and the clipboard.
Oh, you know what? Fine.
Just trying to help.
You steal these outta the doctors' cloakroom again, I'm gonna have to revoke your TV privileges.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, ouch.
Cigarette? Yes, please.
I wasn't offering you one.
Then why did you say "cigarette"? I was talking to the cigarette.
Now, if you'll excuse us, please.
Cigarette prepare to be smoked.
Oh, I see.
You're crazy.
Yes.
But I prefer the term "crazy.
" May I have a cigarette, please? Garçon! Cigarette for the good man, if you'd be so kind.
Name? Bill McNeal.
Name? Bill McNeal! Name? Mike.
There you go, Mike.
Don't be afraid, Mike.
Fire good.
My name is not Mike.
Someone obviously typed it up wrong on some paperwork, so-- I know, I know.
My name isn't Fred, either.
But it's just easier to play their game.
Hey, if you'd like, I-- I could call you "Bill.
" Thank you.
You're welcome.
So, what's your real name? Ulysses S.
Grant, of the United States.
You're not the 18th president of the United States.
Obviously! That's just my name, not my job.
What, are you nuts? No offense.
Huh? Yeah, well, what about older women? What's their opinion? Mr.
James? Yeah, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Thank you.
Yeah, no, no, just-- All right.
Just-- Just hold on a second.
What, uh? What do we do on The Real Deal with Bill McNeal? I gonna fill in till Bill gets back.
We're fine.
That's not what my audience-research people say.
What audience-research people? These audience-research people.
See, now, the common man wants to hear you do a show with a-- Ahem.
A cohost.
That's fine.
I have no problem cohosting a show with Catherine.
No, no, no.
Common man wants to hear you do a show with Joe.
[LAUGHS.]
You want me to do a serious, issue-oriented show with Joe? Yeah.
Unless, of course, you'd rather have Joe do it with Catherine.
Fine.
Good, good.
Thanks, Lisa.
Huh? Yeah.
No-- Wait, she's gone.
Yeah.
Okay.
Talk to me, talk to me.
Now, what--? [WATER TRICKLING.]
What, uh? What--? What do the real people think about my idea? BETH: Sir, I'm afraid the data is still inconclusive.
I'm gonna have to do a little more snooping around.
Ah, shoot.
You poor thing.
Where are you now? Well, like you suggested, I've infiltrated a midtown business establishment to gauge their listening tastes.
I know this is hard, but I need for you to stay out in the field until I get this show fixed.
Okay, but this type of research could get kind of expensive.
Hell, that's why I gave you the corporate credit card.
Now, you just do whatever it takes to get me that info.
Whatever it takes.
Ten-four.
Is the Swedish massage here administered by an actual Swede? Oh, Mr.
McNeal.
Interesting case.
Very troubled.
No, no.
He really isn't.
No.
There's been some sort of a misunderstanding.
You see, Bill isn't actually crazy.
Oh, no, I'm afraid he's quite crazy.
We work with Bill.
We know him very well.
Well, then you will have noticed that Mr.
McNeal is a textbook paranoid psychotic.
He has difficulty forming emotional relationships with others.
Well, that may be so, but-- He exhibits irrational hostility that often manifests itself in manipulative behavior.
True.
But, but-- He thinks that none of his friends like him.
Well, you know, sometimes he makes it hard, but-- And his feelings about his parents are unusual, at best.
But you don't understand Bill the way we do.
Ah, which brings me to my next point.
Ever since Bill came here, he's been calling himself "Mike.
" Could be delusional.
Sure, Bill has his problems.
We-- We all do.
But I've been working with him for nearly three years now, and he's one of the most capable and-- And reasonable and rational people I've ever-- I've ever met.
You're doing him a great-- Disservice.
Disservice by keeping him here.
Well, you may be right, but only time will tell.
CATHERINE: Can we talk to him? Oh, I'm afraid not.
No visitors for the first 24 hours.
Oh, look, this is outrageous.
Sorry you feel that way, Mr.
Nelson, but we will keep you updated as to his condition, and, uhyou can always see him tomorrow.
Mr.
Nelson.
Mr.
Nelson.
Hm? This is not the ape cage at the zoo.
Please, don't rile up the patients.
Sorry.
Thank you, Mr.
Nelson.
See what you've started? Sorry again.
LISA: Bill McNeal is out sick today.
Joe and I will be discussing the problems of New York City schools.
There's a lot of room for improvement.
Wrong! Our New York City public school system is the best in the world.
End of story.
Wellthen maybe you can explain why a prominent board member recently declared the city schools a disaster.
Easy.
Because he is dumb, and I am smart.
Wellthe dropout rate is up 12 percent.
City SAT scores are down You're making that up.
No, I'm not.
I'm reading it from this report from the secretary of education.
That's a cup of coffee.
Ladies and gentlemen, she is holding a cup of coffee and pretending it's a government report.
LISA: No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
And what the report really says is that one year in a New York City public school is equivalent to five years at the Sore-bone or whatever that famous French school is.
No, it doesn't.
You know what, Lisa? If you had went to New York City public schools, maybe you wouldn't have the self-esteem problem that allowed you to balloon up to 300 pounds.
I am not 300 pounds! We'll be right back.
Look, to be completely honest with you, I agree.
The schools suck.
Joe, you can't just make stuff up.
I'm not.
My on-air persona is.
Well, tell him to knock it off.
I can't.
He's crazy.
So, what does Johnny Lunchpail think of our new direction? Oh, well, so far, sir, my research is pretty inconclusive.
Well, people say they like the show? You know, I can't really be sure yet.
I think this is the kind of problem you have to you know, throw more money at.
Okay, then.
Do it to it.
Okay, ten-four, Mr.
James.
Ah, th-- Oh.
Ew.
I think you're gonna kill me, but can we go back to the other way? The second one we tried? I think it was the third.
It had like a-- More of a Southern [.]
[DOOR CLANGS SHUT, KEYS JANGLE.]
And then what happened? I told you already.
Tell me again.
I just wanna go to sleep.
Look, it's your fault my television privileges got revoked.
I wasn't the one who ordered you to pretend to be a doctor.
No, but you do sound just like the guy inside my head.
So tell me again.
Fine.
Where was I? Oh, yes.
So then Urkel decided to send the Urkelbot to the job interview instead of going himself.
Why? I don't know why.
I guess because it would allow a mix-up to occur that we, the viewer, would find amusing.
Was it amusing? Not really.
Then I must ask you again: Why did he send the Urkelbot? Because he didn't think he was good enough to get the job.
But when the Urkelbot broke down and Urkel had to explain himself, the man was so impressed with his honesty that he got the job.
The end.
That was beautiful, Mike.
Right, fellas? [APPLAUSE.]
Thank you.
You're too kind.
MAN: Hey, quiet down in there, guys.
Psst.
What do you say we get out of here? I'd love to, Fred, but I don't really think that's an option.
Think again.
See that window up there? A tall guy like yourself, with the guidance of a brilliant mastermind like myself, could jimmy the latch, and we could be outside within minutes.
[SIGHS.]
I think it would be better if we just went to sleep.
Yeah, okay.
You're probably right.
You need to rest up.
Day two is usually when they start the electroshock treatment.
[LAUGHS.]
I told you it would work! Shhh.
Oh.
Aren't the stars beautiful? Yes.
Very.
Now, which way do we go? What do you mean? I said we could get outside.
And here we are.
Outside.
But I thought we were going to escape! Oh, you've seen too many movies.
Okay.
Then how do we get back inside? Simple, my friend.
We simply scream and scream until the orderlies bring us a ladder.
But that can wait.
Wonderful.
Cigarette? No, thanks.
Again, I wasn't talking to you.
Cigarette prepare to pleasure me.
All right.
Well, this all appears to be in order.
I'll just need your signatures here and here, and I'll need Mr.
McNeal's signature right there.
Okay.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Good morning, old friends.
You okay, honey? Never better, my sweet.
What brings you two here? Well, Bill, it looks like we've been able to work this thing out legally.
They'll release you into our custody, so long as you sign these papers agreeing that you won't sue anyone for their horrible mistake.
I'm not signing these.
Bill, you have nothing to gain by suing anyone.
No, no, no, no.
Just-- I'm not signing these because I'm not leaving.
I happen to like it here.
Are you on some kind of medication? No, I'm not.
But I'll tell you what I'm high on.
Freedom.
Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution.
And I've never felt freer.
You know all those maddening little decisions that torment you all day long? Here, someone else makes all the decisions for you.
And you like that? I love it! No more wasting precious time trying to decide eat now or eat later, eat more or eat less.
And then, of course, there's the camaraderie.
Bill? Bill, these people are insane.
Oh, really? Then why did they elect me prime minister of Ward 15 this morning? Exactly how long do you plan on staying here? I don't know.
A week.
Maybe two.
I have some vacation days saved up.
Bill [BELL RINGS.]
Ah.
That can mean only one thing: Snack time.
Give my regards to everyone at the office, and tell Beth I-- Prime Minister Mike? What are you waiting for? It's snack time.
What are they serving? Snacks! Excellent.
Lead the way, my good man! Bill, come on.
You cannot vacation in a mental ward.
It's just not done.
Don't be naive.
That's what I'm doing.
BILL: See? I'm not alone.
It's true.
See, I have a very stressful job.
All day long, it's just decisions, decisions, decisions.
So I come here to get away from it all.
Well, what do you do? I'm an air traffic controller.
Really? Oh, yes.
You see, I hardly get any vacation days from my job, so every six months or so, I flip out, and I put my fist through a radar screen, and then they send me here.
He means he pretends to flip out.
No, I-- I actually flip out.
At least half the guys here are running the same scam.
We've got a heart surgeon, a guy who designs bridges, a member of a SWAT team.
Oh, we've even got a CEO of a very successful intergalactic spice-mining corporation.
Perhaps you've heard of him.
Gorzon the Merciless.
Actually, I think that guy's really crazy.
Yeah.
Crazy like a fox.
Look who's eatin' all the snacks.
Let's go! Dave? Huh? Come on, let's go.
Oh, sorry.
I was just thinking how-- How great it would be to never have to make any more decisions.
Heh.
Like Lisa ever lets you make any decisions.
Mr.
James, can you please tell Joe that the fake fighting isn't working? Already did it.
In fact, I told him to go exactly the opposite way.
Which way is that? You'll see.
What? [SIGHS.]
I don't wanna do this.
JIMMY: Come on.
Do what? Hello.
Welcome to The Real Deal with Lisa Miller and Joe Garrelli.
Today we hope to have a frank discussion about the changing role of welfare in the city and in our nation as a whole-- Uh, Lisa, if I can interrupt--? No, Joe, you may not.
And in our nation as a whole-- Please.
It's, uh, very important.
What is it? Lisa, we've worked together for some time, and I know you as a competent and attractive young reporter.
And in the past few years, this fond respect has blossomed into love.
What? I can keep silent no longer.
I am on bended knee, asking for your heavy hand in marriage.
Live, on the air, where our love first grew during the all-important drivetime period.
Only on WNYX.
Lisa will you marry me? [CLEARS THROAT.]
This concludes today's broadcast of The Real Deal with Bill McNeal.
The show will return when its regular host, Bill McNeal, returns from vacation.
Now stay tuned for a commercial break and 28 minutes of dead air.
This is horrible.
I know.
Will she say yes? Will she say no? Is she pregnant with the traffic guy's child, and she's trying to protect the inheritance? I leave for two days, and they stoop to this kind of sensationalistic crap? I hate this.
It's horrible.
I hate cliffhangers.
What time do we tune in tomorrow? No, that's it.
I want out of here.
Hello! I want out of here! I'm ready to sign those papers! Me too! I want out! I want out, and I want papers! I want papers and a private jet after I get out.
Yeah, we're gonna need the fire hose over here in Ward 15.
[ALL CLAMORING.]
[.]
No, Beth, I'm calling it off.
Bill should be back to work tomorrow, so, uh, come on back.
But, sir, I'm digging up some really great information.
If you could give me more time-- It's over.
Forget it.
Damn! It's not that big a deal, all right? I'll see you in about 15 minutes.
Oh, it's gonna take me a while to get back.
Whatever.
I'll see you when I see you.
Ten-four.
I'm gonna need to charter a helicopter back to Manhattan, so you can-- Thank you so much.
Put that right on my card.
Thanks.
Hey, uh, don't you wanna change into your regular clothes first? From now on, these just might be my regular clothes.
I'm not doing the news with a man in shabby pajamas.
Hey, these aren't shabby.
And they weren't cheap.
I paid 15 cigarettes for these.
Fine.
Let's go.
You guys go on ahead.
I need to say goodbye.
All right.
Where you going, Mike? I'd love to stay, but well, without my constant supervision, the real world goes to hell in a hand basket.
It's tough being prime minister.
Gonna miss you, Mike.
Especially your beautiful stories.
Hey, if you ever wanna hear me telling a story, just tune in to 585 AM between 10 and 6.
I'll be there for you.
Yeah.
Okay.
And if you're ever flying into La Guardia, you just know that I'm down there somewhere, trying to figure out how the hell to keep you from slamming into one of the other 50 planes up there.
That's sweet.
Well thanks again, Bill.
No, thank you Ulysses S.
Grant, of the United States.
Hey, Igot you a going-away present.
Thank you.
Goodbye, old friend.
Goodbye.
[TEARFULLY.]
I was talking to the cigarette.
[.]
How 'bout them Mets? Excellent ball club, sir.
Mm-hmm.
I love the Mets.
[FLATLY.]
Tell us more, Joe.
I love baseball in general.
I love all sports.
Mm-hmm.
Can you explain why you like sports? I like sports, sir, because I'm not very good at communicating with people.
Therefore, I like violent activities that release a lot of testosterone and calm me down.
Say, Joe, how 'bout them Mets?