NewsRadio (1995) s04e01 Episode Script
Jumper
Morning.
Morning.
- How we doin' today? - I've been better.
I hear that.
So, is there anything I can help you with? No.
I'm just getting ready to jump.
Sounds like a plan.
You know what? I'm gonna top off this coffee.
Can I get you anything? No, I'm good.
Thanks.
Okeydoke.
Dial 911.
I can't.
- Why not? - My phone's not working.
- Then why are you holding it? I was trying to look busy in case you walked by and wanted me to do some real work.
Hello? Who's screwin' with the phones? Oh, it's you.
What's up, dude? I'm rewirin' the phones for speed dial, so if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.
I do have to call Use this.
Ah.
All right.
Thanks.
[ Beeping .]
[ Sleigh Bells Jingling .]
Joe, this is not helping me to look busy.
This isn't even a cell phone, is it? It used to be.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.
I never said that.
No, you're conflating two completely different conversations.
I am not a liar.
You're saying I'm a liar.
I never said you were lying.
I distinctly remember we were standing by the elevators-- What can I do for you, sweetie? I need to use your phone.
Look, I'll call you back.
Dave needs my phone.
I don't know why.
You ask him.
Why do you need Catherine's phone? Yeah.
Listen, everyone, we have an emergency and I need someone to dial 911 immediately.
Oh, my God.
I'm on it.
I'm on it.
Thank you.
Oops.
Hang on.
Hang on.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
All right.
Okay.
Okay, got it.
All right.
Anything? Matthew, this is 411.
Information.
Which is close enough.
All right? Hi.
Yes.
Manhattan, please.
Can you connect me to the police? Mm-mmm.
No.
I can get it! I can get it! What are you doing? Ooh! I don't know.
I can't.
You know what? I'm an idiot.
I know! Hello.
Hi.
My name is Dave Nelson.
I'm on the 14th floor of the Criterion Building at 1460 Madison.
There is a man on my ledge who says he's going to jump.
Yes, 1460 Madison.
Thank you.
Hello, Police? Yeah.
Someone just made a crank call from this office, saying something about a jumper at 1460 Madison.
I'm sorry.
That was my little boy, Davey.
Yeah, yeah.
There's no jumper here.
No need to send police.
[ Chuckles .]
Yeah, he is a cutie, but what a handful.
Okay, you have a nice day too.
Tell Joe to get me a safety harness, some sturdy rope and a microphone with enough cable to reach the ledge outside Dave's office.
Then get ready to go live on the air with a breaking story.
If the pigs show up, just say Bill McNeal has the situation under control.
One more time.
Tell Joe to get me a safety harness-- Hey, hey, hey! Where you going? I'm on it, dude.
No, this is not a crank call.
There really is a man on my ledge threatening to jump.
Wh-- I am not a naughty little boy! What? David, there's a man on your ledge threatening to jump.
I'm aware of that.
Well, somebody should call 411.
Look, will you hold on a second? Hey, would you stop staring at that man? You're gonna scare him.
He's not even looking this way, Dave.
Whoa! Who hung this up? Who hung up the phone? Dave, I got that speed dial workin'.
For 911, you press star-37.
Bill, what are you doing? I'm gonna go out there and talk this poor, miserable bastard off that ledge, live on the air.
Start the promos.
Bill, nobody is going out on that ledge.
We're gonna wait for the police to get here and take care of it.
It's too late, Dave.
I'm in the harness.
Brace yourself.
Joe, do you have any idea what you're doing? As a matter of fact, I do.
I'm tryin' to figure out how to tie a knot.
I can't let you go out there.
It's just too dangerous.
I'm sorry.
I know you wanna be a hero, but-- Oh, I'm not a hero.
Just a man with a microphone and a harness that's extraordinarily tight around the crotch.
Could you loosen it up a little? Okay, Bill, take off the harness.
Let go of the rope, Dave.
You're too valuable for me to let you risk your life.
That's not what you said when I was trying to get a raise last month.
And you're a good personal friend.
That's not what you said when I wanted to borrow 500 bucks from you last week.
I'm sorry about that, Bill, but still, I'm not gonna let go.
Dave, unhand me, good sir! [ Matthew Groans .]
Hey, Matthew.
Do you know there's a guy standin' on the ledge outside your window there? Yes, sir, and I have the situation firmly in hand.
Oh.
Okay.
[ Rope Sliding .]
Oh, sir, could you help me grab this rope? Nah.
Hmm? What's happening to me? Don't worry, son.
Just relax.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
Dave, what is happening to him? Beth, do you have the key to my door? Yeah.
It's in the top right-hand corner of your desk.
If you should get pulled under there, do you mind opening the door from the other side? What? Nothing.
Here, here.
Come on.
[ Groans .]
There.
You okay? Yeah.
It just all happened so fast.
Yeah.
Matthew.
[ Gasping, Yelling .]
Eww! You're sure that's going to hold? Yeah.
All right.
Here goes nothing.
Beautiful day, huh? Looks like it might rain.
Nah, it's just a light fog that should burn off by midafternoon as a high pressure system moves in, which means it'll be crisp and clear tomorrow with lows in the mid-50s.
So if you're going out, be sure to take a jacket.
Hey, you're Bill McNeal, aren't you? - Why, yes, I am.
Why do you ask? - Don't you try and grab me.
[ Laughs .]
Don't you try to grab me either.
Why would I try to grab you? It's a common reaction when fans meet me for the first time.
Oh.
Hey, you know, one time I saw Dan Rather gettin' out of a cab, and I ran over to him and I kissed him on the lips.
Ah, to be young again.
So what brings you to this neck of the ledge? I have a statement I wanna read on the air, or I'm going to jump.
Statement? Boy, that's a toughie.
We'd need a microphone for that.
Excellent.
I just happen to have a spare one right here.
Bill, can I have a word with you? Excuse me.
This won't take but a moment.
Don't go anywhere.
[ Laughs .]
Are we on the air yet? No, and we're not going on the air.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why? Why aren't we goin' live? This is great radio.
- This is not great radio.
- Exactly.
This is a disaster waiting to happen.
If there was some sort of dramatic helicopter rescue, maybe that would be great radio.
I think you're missing the fundamental issue here.
You're right.
Helicopter rescues have been done to death.
Is there any way we could get a blimp? A blimp? No! The main appeal of this story is that it costs me absolutely nothing.
He's just a normal guy who got fired from his job.
He wants to read a statement on the air.
- It's not political at all, is it? - No.
Shoot.
'Cause if we could get Janet Reno in a blimp, we could even beat Howard Stern.
No.
Janet Reno costs at least $50,000.
What's his statement about? You know, about how the little man-- no offense, Dave-- is treated shabbily by the bean-counting corporate fat cats.
No offense, Jim.
I am not gonna go live with a man jumping to his death.
That kind of sensationalism is no better than those video shows about animals attacking humans.
Did you see the one where the grizzly takes a bite out of the guy's head like he's eatin' a big, pink apple? Hey, I knew that dude.
Hey.
Am I gonna get to read my statement or not? We're debating that right now.
I got an idea.
You tell them that if I don't get to read my statement, then I'm gonna jump, and you are gonna set yourself on fire.
I think that's too gruesome.
Why don't we just stick with you jumping? You're probably right, but let's hurry it up.
I haven't got all day! Go! Come on.
He's getting impatient.
If that man jumps to his death, we're responsible.
If Bill can clip the safety line to him, he won't be able to jump.
- What safety line? - There's a safety line on Bill's harness.
If he can clip it to the guy's belt, the rope will keep him from fallin' too far.
And that rope will hold both of 'em? - Yeah.
- Good.
Fine.
If you can clip the safety line to him, we'll put you on the air.
All right.
We're almost ready to go live.
Let me just prep you a little.
Speak loudly and clearly.
No profanities.
Incorporate my name-- Bill McNeal-- into your remarks at least twice.
Why would I have to do that? Some kind of F.
C.
C.
regulation or something.
Now, do you know how to warm up your voice? No.
Le-le, la-la, lo Come on.
With me.
Le-le, la-la, lo Le-le, la, le That's enough.
Now, this is the microphone.
Don't touch it.
Are you wearing rubber-soled shoes? No.
All right.
Turn around.
I'm gonna hook you up to our ground wire in case there are any lightning strikes.
There we go.
No problem.
Now, if you get nervous, just imagine that your listener is completely nude.
I'm supposed to imagine that you're nude? Well, don't do that.
That's just perverted.
If you get nervous, just say, "Thank you, Bill McNeal, for helping me through this.
" Scout's honor? Oh, but of course.
We're ready out here.
Bill, come back inside.
Did you hook up the safety line? Shh! Yes.
And don't forget-- Holy crap! You're on your own, son.
This is Bill McNeal broadcasting live from the ledge of a window hard asphalt below.
Thank you, Bill.
I was recently fired-- A lone man.
Sad, despondent, alone man reaches out for help and finds Bill McNeal.
What is your name, sir? Mike Johnson.
Nice to meet you, Mike.
Nice to meet-- Mike has a statement that he's been hoping to make-- [ Screams .]
[ Wood Creaking .]
Huh.
Bill! Dave, I was wrong, you were right.
This was, indeed, a bad idea.
Reel us in now.
You guys okay down there? We're fine.
Couldn't be better.
Ready to be reeled in now.
Hang on a sec.
Hey, it's a good thing you didn't set yourself on fire, or we'd both be in trouble.
I'm not speaking to you.
I'm ready to reel you guys in.
Either one of you carrying any extra weight? Yeah, this guy strapped to my back's gotta be 200 pounds, easy.
'Cause if you're carrying any extra weight, now'd be the time to dump it.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying this rope might not be strong enough? [ Creaking .]
No.
But any little bit'll help.
Empty your pockets, dump off your shoes, everything.
What will become of my shoes? Don't worry about it.
We got a guy down on the street who volunteered to catch everything you guys throw.
Matthew? Of course.
Standard operating procedure.
All right.
Any other dead weight? Just the microphone.
Well, drop it.
Wait a minute.
I'm hanging here with a guy attached to my harness-- which is on the verge of neutering me-- and now you wanna take my story away? Dude, just drop it.
Actually, he shouldn't.
Why not? Because I have these.
What are those for? To cut the rope in case you try to reel us in before I read my statement.
[ Laughs .]
It's gonna take a lot more than a pair of scissors to cut this rope.
Right, Joe? Right? I'll be right back.
Why would you possibly put a pair of scissors in your pocket? B.
P.
"Be prepared.
" Boy Scout motto.
Weren't you in Boy Scouts? No.
What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for? In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.
Handcuffs are made of steel! So are scissors! He's a sad, lonely guy, basically.
He's very sad, hurting, reaching out.
But, you know, these things happen sometimes.
What else could I do? I'm sure your ex-boyfriend will get over it with time, but can you tell us about the jumper? Oh, I don't know anything about that guy.
Seems like a wacko though, huh? Thanks, sweetheart.
That's real good.
Real good.
Folks, I got a short statement I'd like to read here, if that's all right.
Obviously, we have a very-- uh, very grave situation here at WNYX.
The man, whoever he is, is deeply upset, and what is disturbing him we-- we don't yet know.
But we here at WNYX believe he has the right to be heard right here on WNYX.
And we will bring you that statement live as it happens.
Thank you very much.
"Followed immediately by traffic and weather with WNYX's own Catherine Duke.
" Tell him we're gonna go live on the air, but tell him to behave.
If he gets weird, I'm gonna hit the kill switch immediately.
All right.
You got it.
I can handle the kill switch on my own, thank you.
Yeah, right.
If it were up to you, Bill wouldn't even be hanging from that rope.
Welcome back to Crisis on the 14th Floor, a WNYX exclusive.
[ Dramatic Sting .]
Crisis on the 14th Floor, brought to you by Crazy Eric's Discount Electronics.
Crazy Eric.
He's clinically insane for savings.
[ Bill .]
Thank you, Catherine.
Love that Crazy Eric.
I'm reporting live from the end of a long rope 12 and a half floors above 59th Street.
And now, without further ado, here's a man who's at the end of his own rope, a man who could not take it anymore.
Say hello to suicidal jumper Mike Johnson.
Thank you, Bill.
"I was recently fired from my job.
"I don't blame my supervisor or my coworkers, "even though they were all a bunch of jerks and liars "who claimed I was hostile.
"Because the real villain in my sad little story "is the man who owns the company that fired me-- a certain Jimmy James"-- [ Steady Beep .]
I've never seen you move that fast before.
I conserve my energy for moments like this.
That jumper dude wants to know why he's not on the air anymore.
Oh, I don't know.
Tell him the transmitter got knocked over by some gigantic wild birds or somethin'.
Excuse me, but the news crews just lost their feed and I was-- Bill didn't fall or anything? No, no.
It's all right.
They're fine.
Oh, okay.
They're not dead! [ Reporters Groaning .]
Mr.
James, let go of the kill switch.
Dave, I didn't buy a radio station to give an open forum to any yahoo who's got a beef to pick with me.
Well, Mr.
James, right now my primary concern is Bill's safety, and his life is literally hanging from a strand of Joe's homemade rope.
You're gonna have to let that guy make his statement.
Wait a minute.
Could we save Bill and cut the wacko loose? I'm on it.
Good.
No, you're not! There is a way that we can turn this all around and make you look like a hero.
Do I have to wear a costume? No.
- Oh, geez! - Okay, listen.
Tell the guy that if he lets us reel him in, you'll give him his job back live, out there, on TV.
See, that way you look good, it promotes the station, and it, uh-- Saves two lives.
Right.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
I like it.
Let's do it.
You got it.
Okay.
But, Joe, please, don't do that "falling out the window backwards" thing.
- It makes me really nervous.
- Oh.
All right.
Sorry.
Thanks.
All right, dude.
So here's the deal.
We're gonna put you on TV, and Mr.
James is gonna spontaneously give you your job back.
Yea! Yea.
All right.
So we got a deal? Can I trust you? This isn't a trick? I promise.
Scout's honor? Yeah.
Scout's honor.
I knew it.
You were never a scout.
Sure I was.
Bill will vouch for me.
Right, Bill? Eagle Scout, decorated by Admiral Douglas MacArthur himself.
Yeah.
A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty and-- finish it.
What? Finish it.
A virgin? I knew it.
It's a trick.
You're no scout.
No dice.
Don't ask me to explain, but was anybody here ever a Boy Scout? Hi.
I'm Dave Nelson, the news director.
I promise that if you come back in, we'll put you on TV and Mr.
James will spontaneously decide to give you a new job with full medical, dental and a 10% raise in pay.
Scout's honor? Yes.
I make you this pledge as I once pledged to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.
Well, if you can't trust a scout, who can you trust? Right on.
Do a good turn daily and all that sort of thing.
Well, I should probably be going now.
I guess I won't be needing these anymore, huh? No.
Matthew, look out! [ Cheering .]
How would you like to come back to work for Jimmy James Incorporated? Yea! All right! Let's make it official.
I need you to sign right-- Here.
Yeah.
Here.
Uh-huh.
And here.
You got a passport, Mike? No.
Smile.
Am I going somewhere? Do you want to? Sure! All right! Then I want you to sign right there.
Look at that.
Well, there you have it, folks.
Another happy ending from the good people at Jimmy James Incorporated.
Okay, people, the show's over, but if you'll follow me, I can show you the ledge where the nutjob almost bought it.
Yeah, thank you, sweetheart.
Well, I've just got to say, uh, welcome aboard.
I guess I should say welcome aboard again, huh? Oh, yeah.
Hey, thanks.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm sorry if-- No, don't even think about it.
Don't worry about it.
Anyone would've done the same thing in your position.
Well, look at that.
Say, where am I goin'? Hey, they'll tell you that in the helicopter.
Oh.
A helicopter? Oh, yea.
Uh-huh.
Yeah! Helicopter? Yeah, helicopter takes him to the jet.
And the jet takes him to? Siberia.
Oh, come on.
You don't have any companies in Siberia.
Whoops.
Feel any better, Bill? Still a little dizzy.
Yeah, me too.
And, Dave? Uh-huh? Thank you for, you know, savin' my life and all that.
My pleasure.
You're a good friend.
As are you.
Can I borrow $500? No.
It was worth a shot.
You know what would feel really good right now? What? Going downstairs, getting outside and lying flat on our backs on some cold, hard New York asphalt.
What the hell are we waitin' for? Let's do it.
Ow!
Morning.
- How we doin' today? - I've been better.
I hear that.
So, is there anything I can help you with? No.
I'm just getting ready to jump.
Sounds like a plan.
You know what? I'm gonna top off this coffee.
Can I get you anything? No, I'm good.
Thanks.
Okeydoke.
Dial 911.
I can't.
- Why not? - My phone's not working.
- Then why are you holding it? I was trying to look busy in case you walked by and wanted me to do some real work.
Hello? Who's screwin' with the phones? Oh, it's you.
What's up, dude? I'm rewirin' the phones for speed dial, so if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.
I do have to call Use this.
Ah.
All right.
Thanks.
[ Beeping .]
[ Sleigh Bells Jingling .]
Joe, this is not helping me to look busy.
This isn't even a cell phone, is it? It used to be.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.
I never said that.
No, you're conflating two completely different conversations.
I am not a liar.
You're saying I'm a liar.
I never said you were lying.
I distinctly remember we were standing by the elevators-- What can I do for you, sweetie? I need to use your phone.
Look, I'll call you back.
Dave needs my phone.
I don't know why.
You ask him.
Why do you need Catherine's phone? Yeah.
Listen, everyone, we have an emergency and I need someone to dial 911 immediately.
Oh, my God.
I'm on it.
I'm on it.
Thank you.
Oops.
Hang on.
Hang on.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
All right.
Okay.
Okay, got it.
All right.
Anything? Matthew, this is 411.
Information.
Which is close enough.
All right? Hi.
Yes.
Manhattan, please.
Can you connect me to the police? Mm-mmm.
No.
I can get it! I can get it! What are you doing? Ooh! I don't know.
I can't.
You know what? I'm an idiot.
I know! Hello.
Hi.
My name is Dave Nelson.
I'm on the 14th floor of the Criterion Building at 1460 Madison.
There is a man on my ledge who says he's going to jump.
Yes, 1460 Madison.
Thank you.
Hello, Police? Yeah.
Someone just made a crank call from this office, saying something about a jumper at 1460 Madison.
I'm sorry.
That was my little boy, Davey.
Yeah, yeah.
There's no jumper here.
No need to send police.
[ Chuckles .]
Yeah, he is a cutie, but what a handful.
Okay, you have a nice day too.
Tell Joe to get me a safety harness, some sturdy rope and a microphone with enough cable to reach the ledge outside Dave's office.
Then get ready to go live on the air with a breaking story.
If the pigs show up, just say Bill McNeal has the situation under control.
One more time.
Tell Joe to get me a safety harness-- Hey, hey, hey! Where you going? I'm on it, dude.
No, this is not a crank call.
There really is a man on my ledge threatening to jump.
Wh-- I am not a naughty little boy! What? David, there's a man on your ledge threatening to jump.
I'm aware of that.
Well, somebody should call 411.
Look, will you hold on a second? Hey, would you stop staring at that man? You're gonna scare him.
He's not even looking this way, Dave.
Whoa! Who hung this up? Who hung up the phone? Dave, I got that speed dial workin'.
For 911, you press star-37.
Bill, what are you doing? I'm gonna go out there and talk this poor, miserable bastard off that ledge, live on the air.
Start the promos.
Bill, nobody is going out on that ledge.
We're gonna wait for the police to get here and take care of it.
It's too late, Dave.
I'm in the harness.
Brace yourself.
Joe, do you have any idea what you're doing? As a matter of fact, I do.
I'm tryin' to figure out how to tie a knot.
I can't let you go out there.
It's just too dangerous.
I'm sorry.
I know you wanna be a hero, but-- Oh, I'm not a hero.
Just a man with a microphone and a harness that's extraordinarily tight around the crotch.
Could you loosen it up a little? Okay, Bill, take off the harness.
Let go of the rope, Dave.
You're too valuable for me to let you risk your life.
That's not what you said when I was trying to get a raise last month.
And you're a good personal friend.
That's not what you said when I wanted to borrow 500 bucks from you last week.
I'm sorry about that, Bill, but still, I'm not gonna let go.
Dave, unhand me, good sir! [ Matthew Groans .]
Hey, Matthew.
Do you know there's a guy standin' on the ledge outside your window there? Yes, sir, and I have the situation firmly in hand.
Oh.
Okay.
[ Rope Sliding .]
Oh, sir, could you help me grab this rope? Nah.
Hmm? What's happening to me? Don't worry, son.
Just relax.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
Dave, what is happening to him? Beth, do you have the key to my door? Yeah.
It's in the top right-hand corner of your desk.
If you should get pulled under there, do you mind opening the door from the other side? What? Nothing.
Here, here.
Come on.
[ Groans .]
There.
You okay? Yeah.
It just all happened so fast.
Yeah.
Matthew.
[ Gasping, Yelling .]
Eww! You're sure that's going to hold? Yeah.
All right.
Here goes nothing.
Beautiful day, huh? Looks like it might rain.
Nah, it's just a light fog that should burn off by midafternoon as a high pressure system moves in, which means it'll be crisp and clear tomorrow with lows in the mid-50s.
So if you're going out, be sure to take a jacket.
Hey, you're Bill McNeal, aren't you? - Why, yes, I am.
Why do you ask? - Don't you try and grab me.
[ Laughs .]
Don't you try to grab me either.
Why would I try to grab you? It's a common reaction when fans meet me for the first time.
Oh.
Hey, you know, one time I saw Dan Rather gettin' out of a cab, and I ran over to him and I kissed him on the lips.
Ah, to be young again.
So what brings you to this neck of the ledge? I have a statement I wanna read on the air, or I'm going to jump.
Statement? Boy, that's a toughie.
We'd need a microphone for that.
Excellent.
I just happen to have a spare one right here.
Bill, can I have a word with you? Excuse me.
This won't take but a moment.
Don't go anywhere.
[ Laughs .]
Are we on the air yet? No, and we're not going on the air.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why? Why aren't we goin' live? This is great radio.
- This is not great radio.
- Exactly.
This is a disaster waiting to happen.
If there was some sort of dramatic helicopter rescue, maybe that would be great radio.
I think you're missing the fundamental issue here.
You're right.
Helicopter rescues have been done to death.
Is there any way we could get a blimp? A blimp? No! The main appeal of this story is that it costs me absolutely nothing.
He's just a normal guy who got fired from his job.
He wants to read a statement on the air.
- It's not political at all, is it? - No.
Shoot.
'Cause if we could get Janet Reno in a blimp, we could even beat Howard Stern.
No.
Janet Reno costs at least $50,000.
What's his statement about? You know, about how the little man-- no offense, Dave-- is treated shabbily by the bean-counting corporate fat cats.
No offense, Jim.
I am not gonna go live with a man jumping to his death.
That kind of sensationalism is no better than those video shows about animals attacking humans.
Did you see the one where the grizzly takes a bite out of the guy's head like he's eatin' a big, pink apple? Hey, I knew that dude.
Hey.
Am I gonna get to read my statement or not? We're debating that right now.
I got an idea.
You tell them that if I don't get to read my statement, then I'm gonna jump, and you are gonna set yourself on fire.
I think that's too gruesome.
Why don't we just stick with you jumping? You're probably right, but let's hurry it up.
I haven't got all day! Go! Come on.
He's getting impatient.
If that man jumps to his death, we're responsible.
If Bill can clip the safety line to him, he won't be able to jump.
- What safety line? - There's a safety line on Bill's harness.
If he can clip it to the guy's belt, the rope will keep him from fallin' too far.
And that rope will hold both of 'em? - Yeah.
- Good.
Fine.
If you can clip the safety line to him, we'll put you on the air.
All right.
We're almost ready to go live.
Let me just prep you a little.
Speak loudly and clearly.
No profanities.
Incorporate my name-- Bill McNeal-- into your remarks at least twice.
Why would I have to do that? Some kind of F.
C.
C.
regulation or something.
Now, do you know how to warm up your voice? No.
Le-le, la-la, lo Come on.
With me.
Le-le, la-la, lo Le-le, la, le That's enough.
Now, this is the microphone.
Don't touch it.
Are you wearing rubber-soled shoes? No.
All right.
Turn around.
I'm gonna hook you up to our ground wire in case there are any lightning strikes.
There we go.
No problem.
Now, if you get nervous, just imagine that your listener is completely nude.
I'm supposed to imagine that you're nude? Well, don't do that.
That's just perverted.
If you get nervous, just say, "Thank you, Bill McNeal, for helping me through this.
" Scout's honor? Oh, but of course.
We're ready out here.
Bill, come back inside.
Did you hook up the safety line? Shh! Yes.
And don't forget-- Holy crap! You're on your own, son.
This is Bill McNeal broadcasting live from the ledge of a window hard asphalt below.
Thank you, Bill.
I was recently fired-- A lone man.
Sad, despondent, alone man reaches out for help and finds Bill McNeal.
What is your name, sir? Mike Johnson.
Nice to meet you, Mike.
Nice to meet-- Mike has a statement that he's been hoping to make-- [ Screams .]
[ Wood Creaking .]
Huh.
Bill! Dave, I was wrong, you were right.
This was, indeed, a bad idea.
Reel us in now.
You guys okay down there? We're fine.
Couldn't be better.
Ready to be reeled in now.
Hang on a sec.
Hey, it's a good thing you didn't set yourself on fire, or we'd both be in trouble.
I'm not speaking to you.
I'm ready to reel you guys in.
Either one of you carrying any extra weight? Yeah, this guy strapped to my back's gotta be 200 pounds, easy.
'Cause if you're carrying any extra weight, now'd be the time to dump it.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying this rope might not be strong enough? [ Creaking .]
No.
But any little bit'll help.
Empty your pockets, dump off your shoes, everything.
What will become of my shoes? Don't worry about it.
We got a guy down on the street who volunteered to catch everything you guys throw.
Matthew? Of course.
Standard operating procedure.
All right.
Any other dead weight? Just the microphone.
Well, drop it.
Wait a minute.
I'm hanging here with a guy attached to my harness-- which is on the verge of neutering me-- and now you wanna take my story away? Dude, just drop it.
Actually, he shouldn't.
Why not? Because I have these.
What are those for? To cut the rope in case you try to reel us in before I read my statement.
[ Laughs .]
It's gonna take a lot more than a pair of scissors to cut this rope.
Right, Joe? Right? I'll be right back.
Why would you possibly put a pair of scissors in your pocket? B.
P.
"Be prepared.
" Boy Scout motto.
Weren't you in Boy Scouts? No.
What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for? In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.
Handcuffs are made of steel! So are scissors! He's a sad, lonely guy, basically.
He's very sad, hurting, reaching out.
But, you know, these things happen sometimes.
What else could I do? I'm sure your ex-boyfriend will get over it with time, but can you tell us about the jumper? Oh, I don't know anything about that guy.
Seems like a wacko though, huh? Thanks, sweetheart.
That's real good.
Real good.
Folks, I got a short statement I'd like to read here, if that's all right.
Obviously, we have a very-- uh, very grave situation here at WNYX.
The man, whoever he is, is deeply upset, and what is disturbing him we-- we don't yet know.
But we here at WNYX believe he has the right to be heard right here on WNYX.
And we will bring you that statement live as it happens.
Thank you very much.
"Followed immediately by traffic and weather with WNYX's own Catherine Duke.
" Tell him we're gonna go live on the air, but tell him to behave.
If he gets weird, I'm gonna hit the kill switch immediately.
All right.
You got it.
I can handle the kill switch on my own, thank you.
Yeah, right.
If it were up to you, Bill wouldn't even be hanging from that rope.
Welcome back to Crisis on the 14th Floor, a WNYX exclusive.
[ Dramatic Sting .]
Crisis on the 14th Floor, brought to you by Crazy Eric's Discount Electronics.
Crazy Eric.
He's clinically insane for savings.
[ Bill .]
Thank you, Catherine.
Love that Crazy Eric.
I'm reporting live from the end of a long rope 12 and a half floors above 59th Street.
And now, without further ado, here's a man who's at the end of his own rope, a man who could not take it anymore.
Say hello to suicidal jumper Mike Johnson.
Thank you, Bill.
"I was recently fired from my job.
"I don't blame my supervisor or my coworkers, "even though they were all a bunch of jerks and liars "who claimed I was hostile.
"Because the real villain in my sad little story "is the man who owns the company that fired me-- a certain Jimmy James"-- [ Steady Beep .]
I've never seen you move that fast before.
I conserve my energy for moments like this.
That jumper dude wants to know why he's not on the air anymore.
Oh, I don't know.
Tell him the transmitter got knocked over by some gigantic wild birds or somethin'.
Excuse me, but the news crews just lost their feed and I was-- Bill didn't fall or anything? No, no.
It's all right.
They're fine.
Oh, okay.
They're not dead! [ Reporters Groaning .]
Mr.
James, let go of the kill switch.
Dave, I didn't buy a radio station to give an open forum to any yahoo who's got a beef to pick with me.
Well, Mr.
James, right now my primary concern is Bill's safety, and his life is literally hanging from a strand of Joe's homemade rope.
You're gonna have to let that guy make his statement.
Wait a minute.
Could we save Bill and cut the wacko loose? I'm on it.
Good.
No, you're not! There is a way that we can turn this all around and make you look like a hero.
Do I have to wear a costume? No.
- Oh, geez! - Okay, listen.
Tell the guy that if he lets us reel him in, you'll give him his job back live, out there, on TV.
See, that way you look good, it promotes the station, and it, uh-- Saves two lives.
Right.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
I like it.
Let's do it.
You got it.
Okay.
But, Joe, please, don't do that "falling out the window backwards" thing.
- It makes me really nervous.
- Oh.
All right.
Sorry.
Thanks.
All right, dude.
So here's the deal.
We're gonna put you on TV, and Mr.
James is gonna spontaneously give you your job back.
Yea! Yea.
All right.
So we got a deal? Can I trust you? This isn't a trick? I promise.
Scout's honor? Yeah.
Scout's honor.
I knew it.
You were never a scout.
Sure I was.
Bill will vouch for me.
Right, Bill? Eagle Scout, decorated by Admiral Douglas MacArthur himself.
Yeah.
A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty and-- finish it.
What? Finish it.
A virgin? I knew it.
It's a trick.
You're no scout.
No dice.
Don't ask me to explain, but was anybody here ever a Boy Scout? Hi.
I'm Dave Nelson, the news director.
I promise that if you come back in, we'll put you on TV and Mr.
James will spontaneously decide to give you a new job with full medical, dental and a 10% raise in pay.
Scout's honor? Yes.
I make you this pledge as I once pledged to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.
Well, if you can't trust a scout, who can you trust? Right on.
Do a good turn daily and all that sort of thing.
Well, I should probably be going now.
I guess I won't be needing these anymore, huh? No.
Matthew, look out! [ Cheering .]
How would you like to come back to work for Jimmy James Incorporated? Yea! All right! Let's make it official.
I need you to sign right-- Here.
Yeah.
Here.
Uh-huh.
And here.
You got a passport, Mike? No.
Smile.
Am I going somewhere? Do you want to? Sure! All right! Then I want you to sign right there.
Look at that.
Well, there you have it, folks.
Another happy ending from the good people at Jimmy James Incorporated.
Okay, people, the show's over, but if you'll follow me, I can show you the ledge where the nutjob almost bought it.
Yeah, thank you, sweetheart.
Well, I've just got to say, uh, welcome aboard.
I guess I should say welcome aboard again, huh? Oh, yeah.
Hey, thanks.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm sorry if-- No, don't even think about it.
Don't worry about it.
Anyone would've done the same thing in your position.
Well, look at that.
Say, where am I goin'? Hey, they'll tell you that in the helicopter.
Oh.
A helicopter? Oh, yea.
Uh-huh.
Yeah! Helicopter? Yeah, helicopter takes him to the jet.
And the jet takes him to? Siberia.
Oh, come on.
You don't have any companies in Siberia.
Whoops.
Feel any better, Bill? Still a little dizzy.
Yeah, me too.
And, Dave? Uh-huh? Thank you for, you know, savin' my life and all that.
My pleasure.
You're a good friend.
As are you.
Can I borrow $500? No.
It was worth a shot.
You know what would feel really good right now? What? Going downstairs, getting outside and lying flat on our backs on some cold, hard New York asphalt.
What the hell are we waitin' for? Let's do it.
Ow!