NewsRadio (1995) s05e17 Episode Script
Wedding (2)
Wait a minute.
My wedding is tomorrow.
And you're telling me you can't fulfill your obligations? Yeah.
Well, we had an oral agreement.
And to me, that's a contract.
Oh, okay.
That's fine.
That's fine.
If that's your game, I'll find somebody else.
Oh, yeah? Same to you, buddy.
Caterers? Parents.
My parents are boycotting the wedding 'cause they think it's some big mistake or something.
That is so wrong.
I know.
I mean, it's when you're making a big mistake that you need your parents the most.
Marrying Johnny is not a mistake.
You know, I'm behind you in whatever you do but let's just walk this one through, okay? Unemployed, wino.
History of evil.
Let's just say the guy's a fixer-upper.
Hey.
How's my beautiful reporter bride-to-be? I'm blushing I guess, sir.
Well, that's as it should be.
Guess what? Just came from the house and the grounds crew's spiffing the place all up.
They're getting it ready.
You are gonna have the most beautiful wedding ever.
Thank you for letting us use the greenhouse.
Well, you know.
Ahem.
That place was made for a wedding.
I thought it was made for all your plants.
Those are for medicinal use only.
And besides, Beth Lisa here is just breaking it in.
I want you to have your wedding there too.
Really? Yeah.
If I wake up and discover that I'm already married, could I use it for the reception? I would be hurt if you did not.
Hm, Mr.
James I know you've done so much for us already but I have one more favor.
Uh-huh.
Hm.
Well, due to a change of circumstances my parents are unable to attend the wedding.
So I was wondering if you wouldn't mind, uh, giving me away? Beth, hold all my calls for about a half-hour please? Ahem.
Sure.
What did I do? Oh, just wait for a while.
[JIMMY WAILS.]
[CRIES.]
[.]
[.]
Hey, Johnny.
Is that your little hobo dog? No.
This is Lisa's dog, Daisy.
I'm getting acquainted with the little gal.
Oh, right.
'Cause hobo dogs usually have an eye patch and a red bandana.
That's right.
Yeah.
Hey, would you mind holding her for me? I wanna, uh, go surprise my old lady.
Well, you certainly have a fuzzy little face, just like a little muffin, huh? Hey.
No.
Don't, uh, kiss the dog.
I-- I wasn't.
Well, just don't.
Okay.
Okay.
Just like a little muffin.
Lisa, I need to talk to you.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
Lisa, please-- Excuse me, Dave.
But I have a little business with this goddess.
Welcome worshipper and surrender the sacrificial kiss.
All right, Lisa, I need to talk to you.
LISA [MUMBLING.]
: No, you don't.
Actually, babe, I got something I'd like to ask Dave.
Uh-huh.
Would you be my best man? What? Marriage.
It's a new territory to me.
I want you to ride in shotgun.
Well, Johnny, that of course is an honor.
But I-I-I'd really like to have a conversation with Lisa before I give you an answer.
No, Dave.
I don't see-- Please, babe.
Okay.
Thank you.
You know, dude, if, uh, you're interested I know some caterers who do some really creative stuff.
Like what? There's this one guy who does this elaborate salad tossing routine to the theme from Rocky.
That sounds interesting.
Who else? That's it.
Dave, if this is going to be another boring lecture on how I'm throwing my life away, I don't want to hear it.
Who's lecturing? Hm? You better not be.
Please have-- Please, just have a seat.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay? All right.
No lectures.
Please, just sit down.
Dave, you promised! I promised nothing.
You sat down of your own free will and were tricked.
Now shut up and listen.
All I want you to do is just-- Just look inside yourself.
Look deep down inside yourself and find that logical, practical person that I know still lives in there.
All right? And ask yourself, does it really make sense to become Mrs.
Formerly Evil Vagrant? Makes perfect sense.
You didn't think.
Yeah, Dave.
I don't have to think, because-- You didn't.
--thought has nothing to do with my relationship with Johnny.
My feelings for him are totally irrational.
Well, at least you admit it.
I don't know if you've noticed this, Dave, but I glory in it.
[SIGHS.]
Look, I'm not stupid, okay? I'm not stupid.
I don't need you to point out to me that Johnny is a penniless goof.
I mean, jeez, the guy calls me doll-baby and-- And apple-cheeks.
And, uh, sun-dancer.
[GIGGLES.]
Sun-dancer.
Are you sure you're not stupid? Okay.
Look, when you say it, it sounds bad.
But when it trips off of Johnny's tongue it's like-- Uh-uh.
--I just like it.
Fine.
But do you have to marry him tomorrow? Look, Dave, it's fate.
Who am I to resist? But you're-- You are a driven, well-respected newswoman and he is a hobo.
[.]
Johnny, are you married yet? Not yet, big guy.
Well then, this looks like the right place for the bachelor party.
Hoo, hoo, hoo! [CHUCKLES.]
All right.
So what's on the agenda, gents? A few snacks.
Some cola.
And a special little movie.
Hm.
Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks? It's time to fight For the right [GIGGLING.]
: Oh my, God.
Your idea of a bachelor party is to play the movie, Bachelor Party.
That is so lame.
Little lady.
Excuse me.
This zone here is restricted for people who want to get down.
You're gonna have to excuse me, guys.
I'm really not much in the mood to party.
You know what? That's what a certain Mr.
Tom Hanks once said.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm just kind of on pins and needles wondering if Dave will be my best man or not.
Oh, Dave's your best man.
Good one, Johnny.
[CHUCKLES.]
Johnny? Johnny? Hey, this isn't even Bachelor Party.
What? The guy from the video store must have switched the tapes.
Why, what is it? It's a porno film.
Oh.
Party's over.
[.]
And finally, I think that the wisest men and women of the land would agree with me when I say, marrying Johnny is a bad bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Bad idea.
Don't care.
I Love him.
Well, how am I supposed to argue with that? I mean-- Huh! So, uh, do I got a best man or not? Johnny, y-y-you must be aware that I'm opposed to this wedding, right? Exactly.
And between your skepticism and my optimism I think we make a great combo.
Kind of like a pair of mis-matched cops in a buddy movie.
What do you say? [KNOCKS ON WINDOW.]
MAX: Say no! Say no! Ah, I kind of promised Max he could do it if you wouldn't.
[SIGHS.]
Say no! [KNOCKING ON WINDOW.]
Okay, I'll do it.
[.]
Okay, are you a friend of the bride or the groom? Groom.
[SIGHS.]
Right.
I-- I should have known that.
You're homeless.
Right this way.
Oh, Dave.
Before I forget.
Hum, the ring.
Uh-huh.
Wow, Johnny, that-- That's almost real.
It is.
You know the rule of thumb.
Diamonds should be about two month's salary.
Yeah, but Johnny, for you, that should come up to about $30.
What-- How did you afford this? What can I say? I splurged.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Johnny.
There's some guy back there.
He says he had to talk to you about something.
Well, I better take this.
I'll be right back.
Oh-oh.
Hey, Dave? Dave? Mm? Jeez, you look pale.
Are you feeling all right? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I don't think so.
You better go lie down.
Listen, don't worry.
I'll fill in for you.
No, no, Max.
That-- That won't be necessary.
Do you have the ring? Yes.
When do you give it to Lisa? I don't give it to Lisa.
I give it to Johnny and Johnny gives it to Lisa.
Ah! Well done.
Perhaps you are the best man-- For now.
Listen, uh, I really appreciate this.
I really do.
Yeah.
Who was that? That's the guy who tosses salad to the theme from Rocky.
He's, uh, waiting for the DJ.
Ah.
[.]
Oh, there's our cue.
Hey little sister What have you done? Hey little sister Who's the only one? Beth, what are you doing? Lisa said I could choose my own music.
Hey little sister Shot gun It's a nice day For a white wedding Sing something traditional.
It's from the '80s, Dave.
Look, look, Lohengrin, and hit it.
I don't know the words.
Just fake it! All right.
Here comes the bride Here comes the bride Hmm hmm the bride Hmm bride Here comes the bride Here comes the bride Briiiide [WAILING.]
[SCREAMS.]
I gotta go.
[WAILS.]
Let go of Lisa Let go of Liiiiiiisaaaa [WAILS.]
Welcome friends to the union of Johnny Johnson and Lisa Miller.
[CRIES.]
In lieu of the usual ceremony, Johnny and Lisa have elected to recite vows that they have composed themselves.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, we didn't.
My little surprise.
Oh! Lisa, radiant, pink-fingered dawn, you are more than my world.
You are my universe.
Take me, precious one as the earth takes the sky.
Let us be one.
And in our oneness, complete the circle that is our perfect love.
JUDGE: Lisa.
Oh.
Well, I-I-I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Hm.
Just speak from your heart.
Okay.
[GIGGLES.]
Johnny, you are my sunshine.
My-- My-- Only sunshine.
And-- Well, hey, you rock my world.
If anyone here has cause why this man and this woman should not be married Hey, you know what, wait till I finish.
Let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Go.
Johnny's a homeless wino and they've only been engaged for a week.
This guy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you have the ring? Yes.
Ah! Here you go.
By the power vested in me by the state of Connecticut I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[APPLAUSE.]
Johnny Johnson, you're under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent.
I know my rights.
What's going on? I need the ring.
What? I need the ring.
Hey.
Hey! I'll explain later, doll-face.
Save a piece of cake for me.
Yeah, okay.
All right, thanks.
All right, so it seems, Johnny didn't exactly buy the wedding ring.
He stole it.
Well, so much for the legendary hobo gold.
It was a theory.
Ah, yeah.
All right, according to the police report, it was, and I quote "a daring daylight raid on a jewelry store.
" And he sort of held the salesman hostage for an hour or two.
Well, if you were gonna steal a ring, that would be the one.
I mean-- Yeah.
Gorgeous setting.
Yeah, it was.
But apparently Johnny, uh, sweet-talked the cop into, uh, not arresting him until after the ceremony.
Mr.
James, did you have him thrown in jail because he had you thrown in jail? No.
Of course I did not, Joe.
Although, it would have been awesome.
Lisa, what happened? [SIGHS.]
I chased the police car.
Did you catch it? Yeah.
But it didn't stop.
Y-you know that-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Johnny's a thief, yeah.
[PANTING.]
: The cop mentioned something about that to me as he was peeling me off the bumper.
[.]
Thanks.
Thanks, Leon.
Thanks.
Say hello to Margie and the kids.
Go ahead there, sweetie.
My bride.
Johnny.
What were you thinking? Okay.
I'm just gonna leave you two lovebirds in peace here.
No, Mr.
James.
Get back in here.
I-- I don't-- This is hardly a honeymoon.
Uh, let's not be too hasty, peapod.
We might want to take advantage.
Uh, I'm not sure they'll hold our room in Waikiki.
Okay-dokey.
No.
Would you just help me out here, Mr.
James? Why did you do it? I had to, purry-blossom.
You're a successful career woman who deserves the best.
Meanwhile, I was a homeless wino on a very tight budget.
So you held up a salesperson at knifepoint? Well, the knife was in my pocket.
It was totally unpremeditated.
Totally what he said.
What about the dynamite strapped to his chest? She's got a really good point there.
That was planned.
Baby, you know I was gonna pay for the ring anonymously once I got a job.
I don't know.
Maybe it's me.
I'm getting a real gift of the magi vibe here-- Okay, Mr.
James, now I need you to stay out of it.
His heart's in the right place.
His heart's in prison.
I can take care of that.
If you just hang on for a second.
Wha-- Would you just--? Ahem.
As a wedding gift, I'm gonna give you the best, the finest legal representation there is.
We're gonna get the charges dismissed.
Then we just forget about the whole thing.
What do you think? Jim, you already got us that toaster oven.
Well, I can return that.
No.
I want to beat the rap, that's what an evil guy would do.
Lisa Miller does not deserve an evil husband.
I did the crime.
I'll do the time.
Why didn't you tell me you were going to be arrested before the wedding? Hm, I didn't think it was necessary.
I was expecting to die of happiness when you said I do.
But if, uh, you want to get this whole thing annulled, I understand.
All right.
Let's get out of here.
All right.
Guard! No, that's okay.
I got it, sweetie.
But know this.
Even as my body endures the nightmare world of imprisonment, my spirit soars free, just remembering the sweet fragrance of Lisa Miller.
Oh, Johnny.
[CRIES.]
Hey.
[.]
I always thought I'd be the one to marry a prisoner.
Well, it's a crazy world.
She doesn't even write letters to prisoners.
Personally, I'm a stand-by-your-man type.
Always have been.
Always will be.
Who's the real criminal here anyway? A guy who allegedly steals a little ring, or the hard ass who crashes his wedding and has him arrested? That's just rude.
No, don't worry.
The rule is, you've got three strikes against you.
Johnny's got two.
How the hell do you figure that? Well, he's evil.
Strike one.
And he's a wino.
Strike two.
Then he walked into a jewelry store with dynamite strapped to his chest and stole a ring.
That is strike three.
That is a foul tip.
My Johnny is still in there swinging.
Oh, hey.
Lisa, great wedding.
Great wedding.
Is that your mom's dress? 'Cause you look good in it.
Go ahead.
Say it.
No.
Dave, I-I-I want you to say it.
Just say it.
I don't want to.
No, really, I need you to say it.
I don't-- I'm demanding-- No.
--you say it.
I won't.
Just say it so we could get it over with.
It's fine.
All right.
Fine.
I told you so.
I know.
I know.
How could I have been so stupid? I know.
I know.
But, uh-- So what are you gonna do now, huh? I'm going to get an annulment.
Yeah.
Well, that's probably for the best.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
I think it's definitely, definitely, uh, absolutely you know, it's certainly the best thing.
It's really beyond the best thing.
Yeah.
It's a good thing.
Yeah.
It's a really, it's certainly the-- A good thing.
Dave.
Honey, I know all this time I-I-I wa-- I was-- Just kept feeding into these irrational feelings I was having for Johnny.
And what I should have been doing is ignoring them, just-- Yeah.
Told you so, huh? Yeah.
But this is too much.
It's just too-- It's too much.
Yeah.
It's over.
It's over.
It's over.
Uh-huh.
[SIGHS.]
It's a relief.
Uh-huh, well.
Yeah, I imagine so, you know? Although-- Hum.
It is kind of too bad though really.
Yeah, right.
No, really.
I mean, having a husband doing two years in prison that's a great way to balance, you know, a marriage and a career.
[GIGGLES.]
That's true.
In a funny kind of way, huh? Yeah.
No, no, no.
Dave.
I mean, you-- You know how into my career I am right now.
You know that.
Yeah.
Lisa, I was joking.
Sit back down.
Hey, you know what? Now that I think about it, it's not like he's homeless anymore.
No.
He's in jail.
Yeah.
And if you have a drinking problem what better place to straighten up than jail? Uh, uh, Lisa! What are you doing? I'm just thinking about what you said.
No, you're not.
No you're- no.
No, y-you're just clinging to the flimsiest pretext to try and justify your feelings for Johnny.
Dave, don't be so hard on yourself.
It's a good pretext.
This could work.
No, it couldn't.
Sure, it could.
He's in prison.
They still allow conjugal visits, don't they? Yes.
Oh! Aw! Thank you, Dave.
Oh, no.
Lisa, I was joking.
You know me.
Human joke machine.
Always, hm, always cracking wise.
Oh.
[.]
[KNOCKS ON GLASS.]
Everyone, I think it's appropriate at this time-- Oh, may I? Johnny.
I think it's appropriate at this time to thank Mr.
James for making this reception possible.
Well.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
I know he spent a small fortune bribing the guards and prison officials.
Yeah.
He's not joking.
I really did that.
Thank you, Freddie.
Aagh! And now, I-I know it also comes as no surprise to anyone here that I was-- Somewhat opposed to this wedding initially.
I thought it to be reckless and irresponsible.
And now I stand before you all, before Johnny and Lisa, and I say, I am still opposed to this reckless and irresponsible wedding.
Thank God, I have three to five years to convince Lisa to get out.
To get out.
All right.
Out! JIMMY: I think someone's had a bit too much to drink there.
Lisa, you wanna do the cake? Everybody, raise their glass to Johnny and Lisa.
Hey.
Hey.
Mm.
Ah.
It's a nice day For a white wedding [.]
[.]
My wedding is tomorrow.
And you're telling me you can't fulfill your obligations? Yeah.
Well, we had an oral agreement.
And to me, that's a contract.
Oh, okay.
That's fine.
That's fine.
If that's your game, I'll find somebody else.
Oh, yeah? Same to you, buddy.
Caterers? Parents.
My parents are boycotting the wedding 'cause they think it's some big mistake or something.
That is so wrong.
I know.
I mean, it's when you're making a big mistake that you need your parents the most.
Marrying Johnny is not a mistake.
You know, I'm behind you in whatever you do but let's just walk this one through, okay? Unemployed, wino.
History of evil.
Let's just say the guy's a fixer-upper.
Hey.
How's my beautiful reporter bride-to-be? I'm blushing I guess, sir.
Well, that's as it should be.
Guess what? Just came from the house and the grounds crew's spiffing the place all up.
They're getting it ready.
You are gonna have the most beautiful wedding ever.
Thank you for letting us use the greenhouse.
Well, you know.
Ahem.
That place was made for a wedding.
I thought it was made for all your plants.
Those are for medicinal use only.
And besides, Beth Lisa here is just breaking it in.
I want you to have your wedding there too.
Really? Yeah.
If I wake up and discover that I'm already married, could I use it for the reception? I would be hurt if you did not.
Hm, Mr.
James I know you've done so much for us already but I have one more favor.
Uh-huh.
Hm.
Well, due to a change of circumstances my parents are unable to attend the wedding.
So I was wondering if you wouldn't mind, uh, giving me away? Beth, hold all my calls for about a half-hour please? Ahem.
Sure.
What did I do? Oh, just wait for a while.
[JIMMY WAILS.]
[CRIES.]
[.]
[.]
Hey, Johnny.
Is that your little hobo dog? No.
This is Lisa's dog, Daisy.
I'm getting acquainted with the little gal.
Oh, right.
'Cause hobo dogs usually have an eye patch and a red bandana.
That's right.
Yeah.
Hey, would you mind holding her for me? I wanna, uh, go surprise my old lady.
Well, you certainly have a fuzzy little face, just like a little muffin, huh? Hey.
No.
Don't, uh, kiss the dog.
I-- I wasn't.
Well, just don't.
Okay.
Okay.
Just like a little muffin.
Lisa, I need to talk to you.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
Lisa, please-- Excuse me, Dave.
But I have a little business with this goddess.
Welcome worshipper and surrender the sacrificial kiss.
All right, Lisa, I need to talk to you.
LISA [MUMBLING.]
: No, you don't.
Actually, babe, I got something I'd like to ask Dave.
Uh-huh.
Would you be my best man? What? Marriage.
It's a new territory to me.
I want you to ride in shotgun.
Well, Johnny, that of course is an honor.
But I-I-I'd really like to have a conversation with Lisa before I give you an answer.
No, Dave.
I don't see-- Please, babe.
Okay.
Thank you.
You know, dude, if, uh, you're interested I know some caterers who do some really creative stuff.
Like what? There's this one guy who does this elaborate salad tossing routine to the theme from Rocky.
That sounds interesting.
Who else? That's it.
Dave, if this is going to be another boring lecture on how I'm throwing my life away, I don't want to hear it.
Who's lecturing? Hm? You better not be.
Please have-- Please, just have a seat.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay? All right.
No lectures.
Please, just sit down.
Dave, you promised! I promised nothing.
You sat down of your own free will and were tricked.
Now shut up and listen.
All I want you to do is just-- Just look inside yourself.
Look deep down inside yourself and find that logical, practical person that I know still lives in there.
All right? And ask yourself, does it really make sense to become Mrs.
Formerly Evil Vagrant? Makes perfect sense.
You didn't think.
Yeah, Dave.
I don't have to think, because-- You didn't.
--thought has nothing to do with my relationship with Johnny.
My feelings for him are totally irrational.
Well, at least you admit it.
I don't know if you've noticed this, Dave, but I glory in it.
[SIGHS.]
Look, I'm not stupid, okay? I'm not stupid.
I don't need you to point out to me that Johnny is a penniless goof.
I mean, jeez, the guy calls me doll-baby and-- And apple-cheeks.
And, uh, sun-dancer.
[GIGGLES.]
Sun-dancer.
Are you sure you're not stupid? Okay.
Look, when you say it, it sounds bad.
But when it trips off of Johnny's tongue it's like-- Uh-uh.
--I just like it.
Fine.
But do you have to marry him tomorrow? Look, Dave, it's fate.
Who am I to resist? But you're-- You are a driven, well-respected newswoman and he is a hobo.
[.]
Johnny, are you married yet? Not yet, big guy.
Well then, this looks like the right place for the bachelor party.
Hoo, hoo, hoo! [CHUCKLES.]
All right.
So what's on the agenda, gents? A few snacks.
Some cola.
And a special little movie.
Hm.
Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks? It's time to fight For the right [GIGGLING.]
: Oh my, God.
Your idea of a bachelor party is to play the movie, Bachelor Party.
That is so lame.
Little lady.
Excuse me.
This zone here is restricted for people who want to get down.
You're gonna have to excuse me, guys.
I'm really not much in the mood to party.
You know what? That's what a certain Mr.
Tom Hanks once said.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm just kind of on pins and needles wondering if Dave will be my best man or not.
Oh, Dave's your best man.
Good one, Johnny.
[CHUCKLES.]
Johnny? Johnny? Hey, this isn't even Bachelor Party.
What? The guy from the video store must have switched the tapes.
Why, what is it? It's a porno film.
Oh.
Party's over.
[.]
And finally, I think that the wisest men and women of the land would agree with me when I say, marrying Johnny is a bad bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Bad idea.
Don't care.
I Love him.
Well, how am I supposed to argue with that? I mean-- Huh! So, uh, do I got a best man or not? Johnny, y-y-you must be aware that I'm opposed to this wedding, right? Exactly.
And between your skepticism and my optimism I think we make a great combo.
Kind of like a pair of mis-matched cops in a buddy movie.
What do you say? [KNOCKS ON WINDOW.]
MAX: Say no! Say no! Ah, I kind of promised Max he could do it if you wouldn't.
[SIGHS.]
Say no! [KNOCKING ON WINDOW.]
Okay, I'll do it.
[.]
Okay, are you a friend of the bride or the groom? Groom.
[SIGHS.]
Right.
I-- I should have known that.
You're homeless.
Right this way.
Oh, Dave.
Before I forget.
Hum, the ring.
Uh-huh.
Wow, Johnny, that-- That's almost real.
It is.
You know the rule of thumb.
Diamonds should be about two month's salary.
Yeah, but Johnny, for you, that should come up to about $30.
What-- How did you afford this? What can I say? I splurged.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Johnny.
There's some guy back there.
He says he had to talk to you about something.
Well, I better take this.
I'll be right back.
Oh-oh.
Hey, Dave? Dave? Mm? Jeez, you look pale.
Are you feeling all right? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I don't think so.
You better go lie down.
Listen, don't worry.
I'll fill in for you.
No, no, Max.
That-- That won't be necessary.
Do you have the ring? Yes.
When do you give it to Lisa? I don't give it to Lisa.
I give it to Johnny and Johnny gives it to Lisa.
Ah! Well done.
Perhaps you are the best man-- For now.
Listen, uh, I really appreciate this.
I really do.
Yeah.
Who was that? That's the guy who tosses salad to the theme from Rocky.
He's, uh, waiting for the DJ.
Ah.
[.]
Oh, there's our cue.
Hey little sister What have you done? Hey little sister Who's the only one? Beth, what are you doing? Lisa said I could choose my own music.
Hey little sister Shot gun It's a nice day For a white wedding Sing something traditional.
It's from the '80s, Dave.
Look, look, Lohengrin, and hit it.
I don't know the words.
Just fake it! All right.
Here comes the bride Here comes the bride Hmm hmm the bride Hmm bride Here comes the bride Here comes the bride Briiiide [WAILING.]
[SCREAMS.]
I gotta go.
[WAILS.]
Let go of Lisa Let go of Liiiiiiisaaaa [WAILS.]
Welcome friends to the union of Johnny Johnson and Lisa Miller.
[CRIES.]
In lieu of the usual ceremony, Johnny and Lisa have elected to recite vows that they have composed themselves.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, we didn't.
My little surprise.
Oh! Lisa, radiant, pink-fingered dawn, you are more than my world.
You are my universe.
Take me, precious one as the earth takes the sky.
Let us be one.
And in our oneness, complete the circle that is our perfect love.
JUDGE: Lisa.
Oh.
Well, I-I-I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Hm.
Just speak from your heart.
Okay.
[GIGGLES.]
Johnny, you are my sunshine.
My-- My-- Only sunshine.
And-- Well, hey, you rock my world.
If anyone here has cause why this man and this woman should not be married Hey, you know what, wait till I finish.
Let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Go.
Johnny's a homeless wino and they've only been engaged for a week.
This guy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you have the ring? Yes.
Ah! Here you go.
By the power vested in me by the state of Connecticut I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[APPLAUSE.]
Johnny Johnson, you're under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent.
I know my rights.
What's going on? I need the ring.
What? I need the ring.
Hey.
Hey! I'll explain later, doll-face.
Save a piece of cake for me.
Yeah, okay.
All right, thanks.
All right, so it seems, Johnny didn't exactly buy the wedding ring.
He stole it.
Well, so much for the legendary hobo gold.
It was a theory.
Ah, yeah.
All right, according to the police report, it was, and I quote "a daring daylight raid on a jewelry store.
" And he sort of held the salesman hostage for an hour or two.
Well, if you were gonna steal a ring, that would be the one.
I mean-- Yeah.
Gorgeous setting.
Yeah, it was.
But apparently Johnny, uh, sweet-talked the cop into, uh, not arresting him until after the ceremony.
Mr.
James, did you have him thrown in jail because he had you thrown in jail? No.
Of course I did not, Joe.
Although, it would have been awesome.
Lisa, what happened? [SIGHS.]
I chased the police car.
Did you catch it? Yeah.
But it didn't stop.
Y-you know that-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Johnny's a thief, yeah.
[PANTING.]
: The cop mentioned something about that to me as he was peeling me off the bumper.
[.]
Thanks.
Thanks, Leon.
Thanks.
Say hello to Margie and the kids.
Go ahead there, sweetie.
My bride.
Johnny.
What were you thinking? Okay.
I'm just gonna leave you two lovebirds in peace here.
No, Mr.
James.
Get back in here.
I-- I don't-- This is hardly a honeymoon.
Uh, let's not be too hasty, peapod.
We might want to take advantage.
Uh, I'm not sure they'll hold our room in Waikiki.
Okay-dokey.
No.
Would you just help me out here, Mr.
James? Why did you do it? I had to, purry-blossom.
You're a successful career woman who deserves the best.
Meanwhile, I was a homeless wino on a very tight budget.
So you held up a salesperson at knifepoint? Well, the knife was in my pocket.
It was totally unpremeditated.
Totally what he said.
What about the dynamite strapped to his chest? She's got a really good point there.
That was planned.
Baby, you know I was gonna pay for the ring anonymously once I got a job.
I don't know.
Maybe it's me.
I'm getting a real gift of the magi vibe here-- Okay, Mr.
James, now I need you to stay out of it.
His heart's in the right place.
His heart's in prison.
I can take care of that.
If you just hang on for a second.
Wha-- Would you just--? Ahem.
As a wedding gift, I'm gonna give you the best, the finest legal representation there is.
We're gonna get the charges dismissed.
Then we just forget about the whole thing.
What do you think? Jim, you already got us that toaster oven.
Well, I can return that.
No.
I want to beat the rap, that's what an evil guy would do.
Lisa Miller does not deserve an evil husband.
I did the crime.
I'll do the time.
Why didn't you tell me you were going to be arrested before the wedding? Hm, I didn't think it was necessary.
I was expecting to die of happiness when you said I do.
But if, uh, you want to get this whole thing annulled, I understand.
All right.
Let's get out of here.
All right.
Guard! No, that's okay.
I got it, sweetie.
But know this.
Even as my body endures the nightmare world of imprisonment, my spirit soars free, just remembering the sweet fragrance of Lisa Miller.
Oh, Johnny.
[CRIES.]
Hey.
[.]
I always thought I'd be the one to marry a prisoner.
Well, it's a crazy world.
She doesn't even write letters to prisoners.
Personally, I'm a stand-by-your-man type.
Always have been.
Always will be.
Who's the real criminal here anyway? A guy who allegedly steals a little ring, or the hard ass who crashes his wedding and has him arrested? That's just rude.
No, don't worry.
The rule is, you've got three strikes against you.
Johnny's got two.
How the hell do you figure that? Well, he's evil.
Strike one.
And he's a wino.
Strike two.
Then he walked into a jewelry store with dynamite strapped to his chest and stole a ring.
That is strike three.
That is a foul tip.
My Johnny is still in there swinging.
Oh, hey.
Lisa, great wedding.
Great wedding.
Is that your mom's dress? 'Cause you look good in it.
Go ahead.
Say it.
No.
Dave, I-I-I want you to say it.
Just say it.
I don't want to.
No, really, I need you to say it.
I don't-- I'm demanding-- No.
--you say it.
I won't.
Just say it so we could get it over with.
It's fine.
All right.
Fine.
I told you so.
I know.
I know.
How could I have been so stupid? I know.
I know.
But, uh-- So what are you gonna do now, huh? I'm going to get an annulment.
Yeah.
Well, that's probably for the best.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
I think it's definitely, definitely, uh, absolutely you know, it's certainly the best thing.
It's really beyond the best thing.
Yeah.
It's a good thing.
Yeah.
It's a really, it's certainly the-- A good thing.
Dave.
Honey, I know all this time I-I-I wa-- I was-- Just kept feeding into these irrational feelings I was having for Johnny.
And what I should have been doing is ignoring them, just-- Yeah.
Told you so, huh? Yeah.
But this is too much.
It's just too-- It's too much.
Yeah.
It's over.
It's over.
It's over.
Uh-huh.
[SIGHS.]
It's a relief.
Uh-huh, well.
Yeah, I imagine so, you know? Although-- Hum.
It is kind of too bad though really.
Yeah, right.
No, really.
I mean, having a husband doing two years in prison that's a great way to balance, you know, a marriage and a career.
[GIGGLES.]
That's true.
In a funny kind of way, huh? Yeah.
No, no, no.
Dave.
I mean, you-- You know how into my career I am right now.
You know that.
Yeah.
Lisa, I was joking.
Sit back down.
Hey, you know what? Now that I think about it, it's not like he's homeless anymore.
No.
He's in jail.
Yeah.
And if you have a drinking problem what better place to straighten up than jail? Uh, uh, Lisa! What are you doing? I'm just thinking about what you said.
No, you're not.
No you're- no.
No, y-you're just clinging to the flimsiest pretext to try and justify your feelings for Johnny.
Dave, don't be so hard on yourself.
It's a good pretext.
This could work.
No, it couldn't.
Sure, it could.
He's in prison.
They still allow conjugal visits, don't they? Yes.
Oh! Aw! Thank you, Dave.
Oh, no.
Lisa, I was joking.
You know me.
Human joke machine.
Always, hm, always cracking wise.
Oh.
[.]
[KNOCKS ON GLASS.]
Everyone, I think it's appropriate at this time-- Oh, may I? Johnny.
I think it's appropriate at this time to thank Mr.
James for making this reception possible.
Well.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
I know he spent a small fortune bribing the guards and prison officials.
Yeah.
He's not joking.
I really did that.
Thank you, Freddie.
Aagh! And now, I-I know it also comes as no surprise to anyone here that I was-- Somewhat opposed to this wedding initially.
I thought it to be reckless and irresponsible.
And now I stand before you all, before Johnny and Lisa, and I say, I am still opposed to this reckless and irresponsible wedding.
Thank God, I have three to five years to convince Lisa to get out.
To get out.
All right.
Out! JIMMY: I think someone's had a bit too much to drink there.
Lisa, you wanna do the cake? Everybody, raise their glass to Johnny and Lisa.
Hey.
Hey.
Mm.
Ah.
It's a nice day For a white wedding [.]
[.]