NewsRadio (1995) s05e18 Episode Script
Ploy
Matthew, here you go.
Ooh, Valentine's.
No.
Uh, Valentine's Day was two months ago.
That is, um-- That's a thank-you note for my wedding gift.
Oh.
Do thank-you notes have candy in them? Yours does.
Excellent.
Uh, Max.
Oh, thank you.
Joe.
Did you open up my present yet? Um, the baby doll.
Uh, yeah.
Yes, I did.
It's not a baby doll.
It's an electric infant.
An electric infant? Yeah.
You know, for practice.
Right.
Right.
Okay, a couple safety tips.
When you're washing it, don't go in the tub.
All right? And when you're practicing nursing, don't put it on Max.
'Cause the little guy's got some serious suction.
Thank you.
Good luck with it.
[BETH SIGHS.]
Guys give such lame gifts.
I know.
Listen, I hope you didn't already have an ant farm.
Not one that I could wear.
Here you go, Dave.
Oh, what's this? A thank-you note.
Ah "Somebody on Cell Block D loves you.
" Johnny made 'em on the prison printing press.
They're letting him use the printing press.
That's-- That's great.
Yeah.
There's an opening in the cafeteria.
Fingers crossed.
Let's hope.
Here you go, Dave.
Yeah, I-I got one, too, Max.
No, on the back.
Uh Max, this is a letter of resignation.
That's right.
I quit.
Yeah, well, you forgot to sign it.
Oh, sorry.
[.]
You're not quitting.
Oh, I'm afraid I am.
Effective immediately.
You see, I was walking to work this morning and I heard this strange twittering noise.
And I looked in the tree up to the highest branches.
Well, what do you think I saw? A squirrel? No.
A cat? No.
A dog? In a tree? A tree dog? I saw the first bluebird of spring.
A new season was upon us.
And I realized it's time for me to move on.
You're gonna quit your job 'cause you saw a bird? You see, Joe, I'm a journeyman.
Well, every spring my traveling feet tell me: "Max, it's time to move on.
" My feet are talking too.
And they're saying, "Max, stay with us.
" Why don't you just admit what this is all really about? I have spring fever.
And there is only one cure.
Euthanasia? Look, you're just quitting so that I will feel sad that you're leaving and go on a date with you.
Wow, I'm impressed.
I mean, your vanity equals his insanity.
Max, why don't you tell them what you told us? Which part? How your work here is done.
Oh, oh, right, right.
My work here is done.
What work? Well, isn't it obvious? When I first came here, Beth was a fragile flower.
Now she's a steel magnolia.
Ow! Lisa went from potential spinsterhood to wedded bliss.
And you, Joe, I gave you the gift of self-confidence.
And Dave, I taught him how to release his anger.
What? Splendid.
Matthew, well, I helped him with his weight problem.
What weight problem? Exactly.
Well, sorry, my friends, my time has come.
If you'll excuse me, I have to clean out my desk.
Oh, I don't know, Dave.
You-- You gotta talk to him.
Nope.
Don't worry.
He's not going anywhere.
He just wants a date with me.
Oh, okay.
Now, about this thank-you note, I hope you're joking.
Oh, the cupid in prison clothes was Johnny's idea.
No, I love that.
Oh.
It's the name on the bottom that's gotta go.
Lisa Miller-Johnson.
That's my name now.
Pffft! Big mistake.
Well, no offense, Joe, but it is my name and I can do with it what I want.
Dude, Lisa Miller's not just your name.
It's your brand.
You've invested decades selling people this product: Lisa Miller.
Now you're gonna change it to Miller-Johnson? You're gonna lose customers.
Don't have customers.
Well, don't think some name change is gonna magically bring 'em in.
It's not a big deal.
On the air, I'm still gonna be Lisa Miller.
In my private life, I'm gonna be Lisa Miller-Johnson.
Name brand recognition is just as important in private.
What? I used to date this girl.
Worked at an ad agency.
I learned a lot from her.
Really? Yeah.
Superfreak.
Loves sex.
Hey.
Love the new name.
Thank you, Matthew.
What an improvement, huh? I just added one word, really.
I know.
But what a difference one word can make.
I mean, your name went from disgusting to beautiful.
You-- You thought my name was disgusting? Oh, God.
I hated it.
Hated it.
You know what I'm talking about? No, I don't.
Oh, come on.
Lisa Miller? It makes your mouth do ugly things.
Look.
Lisa Miller.
Well What about, uh, Lisa Miller-Johnson? It's not-- No, that's like a haiku.
What? Lisa Miller-Johnson walking through the woods.
Is there a snowflake? Wet.
Hey, I got more.
I got more.
[.]
I don't know.
It's all so sudden.
You sure you wanna leave today, Maxie? Well, I'm sorry, sir.
My feet have spoken.
Hm.
They tell me to go, I go.
Yeah.
Feet don't speak and you're not going anywhere.
What the hell was that all about? Oh, she thinks this is just some game I'm playing to get her to go out with me.
Oh.
Is it? Of course not.
But I wouldn't be adverse to a quickie.
Well, uh Ahem.
No, thanks, Max.
Maybe, uh-- Maybe some other time.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to Beth.
Oh.
Heh-heh! Well, it's-- It's kind of embarrassing, you know? Heh-heh! You know what it's like? It's like when, you know, somebody's waving at you and you, like, wave back.
And it turns out that, you know, they were waving at somebody else.
Except you offered to sleep with me some other time.
I was just being polite.
Yeah, that's right.
WNYX seeking on-air talent.
Yeah.
In a large print, yes.
Hm? [STAMMERS.]
Uh Yes, yes, you do have a lovely voice.
You know what? I think we're gonna run the ad just in case.
Yeah.
Thank-- No, thank you.
Hey, Mr.
James.
Oh, well, you seem to be taking Max's departure in stride.
Well, what can I do? Get up.
Hmmm? Get up.
Oh, sorry.
Thank you.
You were saying? Uh, well, you know, that he's-- He's made up his mind.
So, you know, what can I do? Well, I don't know.
You could, uh-- You could try talking to him.
Yeah.
Sir, I-- I did try talking to him.
And? And he's crazy.
You know, I'm as sad as anyone that he's leaving.
I mean, certainly we had a rough start.
But, uh, you know, he's a-- He's a good newsman.
He's very conscientious about the work.
So fight for him.
Part of being the boss is hanging on to your employees.
Well, regardless, I did talk to him and he's adamant.
I don't know.
It's just-- It's just hard for me to accept.
Well, I understand, sir.
After all, Max is the man who taught me how to share.
I wasn't a-aware of that, sir.
Yeah.
Me, neither, so I ran into him out in the foyer there.
Do you know that he-- He solved Matthew's weight problem? I mean, as far as I'm concerned, the man's a miracle worker.
WNYX news time: 11:05.
And now filling in for the absent Max Lewis, here's Matthew Brock with The Brock Report .
Opinions expressed by Matthew Brock are not necessarily those of WNYX.
Facts cited by Matthew Brock are not necessarily facts.
And now Matthew Brock.
That was Svetlana Monsoon with the news.
Thank you very much, Svetlana.
And now The Brock Report .
That was The Brock Report .
This is Lisa Miller.
More after this.
Do you like it? No.
I am not-- What is it? Svetlana Monsoon.
See, I got to thinking, if you're gonna change your name just go for it.
Go all out.
So I took Miller.
I took Johnson.
I squished them up and pulled them apart.
Monsoon.
And Svetlana? I just thought that, uh, you deserved a real pretty first name for once in your life.
I like Lisa.
Oh, come on.
We're friends.
Don't cover for me.
I'm not covering.
I like it.
You know what? Life is a lot easier for people with beautiful first names.
I mean, I should know.
Matthew.
Can you just please call me Lisa Miller on the air? We'll talk about it.
On the air just call me Lisa Miller.
Whatever.
Whatever.
Now we're back with another hard-hitting edition of The Brock Report .
Take it away, Matthew.
Thanks.
Why don't people smile more? A recent survey shows that 80 percent of Americans never, ever smile.
These people need to go to jail.
In the happy 20 percent, though, are my two special cats.
Choo-Choo Bone Wagon and Mitt-Mitt St.
Clair.
What up, guys? Why don't you just give it up? Give what up? The whole charade.
It's not working.
Yeah, well, neither am I.
I'm quitting.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
You tell me you quit and suddenly I fall in love with you and I ask you to ravage me like two baboons ganging up on a hyena.
You know, Beth, one of the few regrets I'll have in leaving this place is that I never got to make you feel like a natural woman.
But that's your loss, baby, not mine.
You could never make me feel like a natural woman.
Didn't mean to move in on your action there, Max.
She'll come back.
Okay.
Hey.
Do you mind, uh, stepping into the office there with me and Dave for a second? Oh, sure.
You're trying to get it on with everybody today, aren't you? There you go.
Uh, ahem, Max, j-just stand here for a second.
Dave and I would like to, you know, take one more try at talking some sense into you.
[FLATLY.]
Yeah.
Max, don't leave.
Well, gentlemen, although tempting, nothing on this Earth or moon could persuade me to stay.
Hey, do you guys feel a draft in here? No.
I feel fine.
Oh, because it seems like there's a lot of wind over here.
I'm by the door.
I'm just gonna shut this door.
Okay.
Please let me stay.
Please let me stay.
I promise I won't talk to anyone.
I won't get in anybody's way.
Okay, all right.
Please.
Please, just let me stay.
You can stay, you can stay.
What the hell are you talking about? You quit.
Plea-- No, I didn't quit.
It was just a ploy to get Beth to go out with me.
Beth was right? Yes.
I was bluffing.
And she saw right through me.
Oh, I'm lonely.
I'm so lonely.
All right.
All right.
You take him.
[CRYING.]
: I'm so lonely.
Oh, Max.
I just had this suit cleaned.
[CRIES.]
So you quit your job to try and get Beth to go out with you? It was the only way.
Max, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Beth, she's easy.
Hey, hey, hey.
Well, she is easy for some.
Well, men in uniforms, for instance.
Cops.
Bus drivers.
Bus boys.
Max.
Bus persons.
[SIGHS.]
For me, she's untouchable.
So you didn't feel an overwhelming urge to move on? No.
And you didn't see a bluebird on the way to work? I don't even know what a bluebird looks like.
Look, I took a shot and it failed, right? Now, come on, Dave.
Help me get out of it.
Come on.
Get yourself out of it.
I can't.
Tell everyone you've changed your mind.
I can't.
Then Beth would know I was faking it.
Well, that's too bad.
I have my pride.
No, you don't.
Will you be a man for once in your life, and take responsibility for my actions? All right, all right.
Absolutely not.
Whoa, simmer down, everybody.
The great Jimmy has a solution.
And that would be? That would be, Max I want you to go long.
You go out there and pretend to pack up all your stuff.
Dave, I want you to I want you to follow him out there and I want you to beg him to stay, all right? In front of Beth and everybody else.
And he says, "yes", all right? And everybody's happy.
Uh, on four.
Ah-ha, I like it.
I don't.
This plan revolves around me making a fool of myself in front of the entire staff.
It's brilliant.
All right.
Yeah, thank you, Max.
Look, why don't you give Dave and me a second here? Oh, sure.
I'll, uh, I'll just be out there packing.
Attaboy.
No way am I gonna do it.
I thought you were the boss of them.
I am the boss of them.
Sometimes the boss of them has to swallow his pride for the good of them.
Why don't you go out and beg Max to stay? Because I am the boss of you.
Ah.
Still quitting forever? That's right.
Mm-mm.
Well, guess I'll never see you again, huh? You said it.
Well, huh, maybe I'd better hurry up and sleep with you.
[LAUGHS.]
[SNORTS.]
Will you excuse me? I have to finish packing.
Hm-mm.
Ball of string.
Button collection.
Another ball of string.
Don't get those two tangled up.
[MUMBLES.]
Don't-- Ahh.
[PANTS.]
Oh, good, Max, you're still here.
What do you want? Max, please don't-- [WHINE.]
Swallow it, Dave.
Swallow it.
Max, please don't leave.
Am I to understand that you're begging me to stay? Yeah.
Are those tears in your eyes? Swallow.
Swallow.
Yeah, Max.
Getting a little misty here.
He's not quitting, Dave.
He's just faking it.
Yeah, a lot you know.
[WHISPERS.]
: Grab my arm.
What? Trust me.
[SIGHS.]
Take your hands off me, sir.
Groveling is one thing, but this is too much.
I said I was leaving, and that's final.
Goodbye! [.]
The O.
Okay.
Yeah.
I see, I see it.
Au, au, au, au.
Get the A, the A.
'Kay.
Au, au, au, au.
Joe, don't encourage him to play with his food.
I'm not playing.
I'm working.
He's using letters in the alphabet soup to make anagrams out of your new name.
Oh, good, I was afraid, you guys, were just goofing around in here.
Anagrams reveal the hidden meaning behind the words that we speak so casually everyday.
Look, when the letters in Lisa Miller-Johnson are rearranged, they spell out, "Low, Hell Reigns on Jim.
" And what do you think that means? I don't know, but it sounds like bad luck for Mr.
James.
I'll tell you what it means, Matthew.
Nothing.
Whatever you say, Lisa Miller-Johnson.
Or should I say, Join Lamros in Hell? That's a good one.
Who's Lamros? Wouldn't you hate to find out? See what happens when you mess around with your brand name? Just keep Lisa Miller.
It's safer.
Hey, kids.
Hey, Mr.
James, wouldn't it be crazy for Lisa to give up a great brand name as Lisa Miller? Could you please tell Joe that I am a human being, not a brand name? Actually, sweetie, to me you're both.
See? So she should keep her name, right? Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
You know, I once had a line of detergents with a great brand name.
Dandy Clean.
Yeah.
Everybody, everybody trusted it.
But, uh, you know, that that break dancing fad hit and my people made me change it.
Try to stay hip and everything like that.
And the whole thing, went bust in less than a year.
What did you change the name to? Break Dancing Detergent.
[.]
[SOBBING.]
: Dave, I couldn't find Max anywhere.
It's like he disappeared into thin air.
I-I know.
Doesn't it break your heart? Yeah, b-but, Beth, you're the one who said he was faking.
Yes.
But he wasn't faking, was he, Dave? No, he really did leave.
Even after you humiliated yourself in front of him and everyone else.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
He did that, didn't he? Yeah.
Oh, Dave.
[SIGHING.]
: It feels like like he's really gone, you know? And like I missed some opportunity or something.
Oh, well.
Beth, you know, I'm sure that-- I'm sure you'll find someone just like Max, if you're not extremely careful.
[SOBBING.]
: Oh, God, Dave.
There's gotta be some way to find him.
I made a huge mistake.
[CRIES.]
Oh, Beth.
I just-- This suit just dried.
Uh, oh.
[CRIES LOUDLY.]
There, there, there, there.
There, there.
[WAILS.]
There, there, there.
Ahh-hah-hah.
There.
[CRYING.]
: No.
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
[BETH WAILS.]
MAX: Psst, psst, Dave.
How did you find me? I didn't.
Hey, Dave.
Listen [MUMBLES.]
I'm sorry.
Max, you made a fool of both of us.
All right? I-I-I know.
But I had to make it look real for Beth.
Now listen, this time I was thinking that you could say something like, eh, "Max, there's a fire on 42nd Street.
"You're the only one who can cover it.
" And then I'll say, "I can't leave these people of the news.
" Then you're gonna say-- No.
No, no, no.
No.
No more playacting.
Look, you want to start a real fire, that's your business.
Now all I ask is that you learn your lines.
No.
Well, then I guess I'm gonna have to really quit.
Because I don't think I can take Beth laughing at me the rest of my life.
[SIGHS.]
You know, Max, I, huh I hate like hell to be the bearer of good news when you're being so irritating.
But, uh, Beth seems to miss you.
She does? Mm-hm.
Don't ask me to explain it.
But for some reason, your idiotic ploy appears to have worked.
[GIGGLES.]
[GROANS.]
Max, how can I be sure you're never gonna try anything this moronic in the future? [SIGHS.]
You can't.
Sorry, Lisa, but I've got some bad news.
Yeah, what's that? Well, while you were flipflopping on keeping your name, I copyrighted Lisa Miller.
Joe, you can't do that.
It's my name.
It was your name.
I'm sorry, but your Lisa Miller time is over.
No, no, it's a good thing, 'cause he got rid of that whole Lisa Mill-ller.
Now you're free to be Svetlana Monsoon the exotic Russian reporter.
Joe, you can't copyright my name.
Well, I have a notarized document that says otherwise.
I didn't know Matthew was a notary.
It's a fallback career, heh.
What's up? What's going on? Joe can't copyright my name, can he? No.
He can't copyright any employees' names.
See? I own the rights to all your names.
BOTH: What? When the hell are you people gonna start reading your contracts? You own the copyright to Lisa Miller? Yeah.
You want it? I'll give it to you as wedding present.
Oh, no, sir, you already gave us that really nice toaster oven.
I can return that.
Can I have my name back? No.
No, sorry.
No can do, Joe.
Garelli is my Italian line of feminine hygiene products.
Hello, everybody.
Max.
Max, you came back.
I couldn't leave you behind, my treasure.
Wow.
[SIGHS.]
That was-- Disgusting.
What? I don't wanna ever see that again.
Why would you do that, Max? I thought you were into me.
[PANTING.]
: I know, II was.
I-- I was into you while you were away.
But now that you're back, it just seems wrong and creepy.
But you know what, Max as a friend, just a little tip.
If you close your mouth a little you might be able to cut down on the drool.
Go get them, tiger, heh.
Thanks for the tip.
Tsk, well, Max.
You've learned a lesson about lying and pretending to quit your job.
Are you kidding me? Where I come from, that's called action.
And I got some.
Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha.
Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha.
[.]
Ooh, Valentine's.
No.
Uh, Valentine's Day was two months ago.
That is, um-- That's a thank-you note for my wedding gift.
Oh.
Do thank-you notes have candy in them? Yours does.
Excellent.
Uh, Max.
Oh, thank you.
Joe.
Did you open up my present yet? Um, the baby doll.
Uh, yeah.
Yes, I did.
It's not a baby doll.
It's an electric infant.
An electric infant? Yeah.
You know, for practice.
Right.
Right.
Okay, a couple safety tips.
When you're washing it, don't go in the tub.
All right? And when you're practicing nursing, don't put it on Max.
'Cause the little guy's got some serious suction.
Thank you.
Good luck with it.
[BETH SIGHS.]
Guys give such lame gifts.
I know.
Listen, I hope you didn't already have an ant farm.
Not one that I could wear.
Here you go, Dave.
Oh, what's this? A thank-you note.
Ah "Somebody on Cell Block D loves you.
" Johnny made 'em on the prison printing press.
They're letting him use the printing press.
That's-- That's great.
Yeah.
There's an opening in the cafeteria.
Fingers crossed.
Let's hope.
Here you go, Dave.
Yeah, I-I got one, too, Max.
No, on the back.
Uh Max, this is a letter of resignation.
That's right.
I quit.
Yeah, well, you forgot to sign it.
Oh, sorry.
[.]
You're not quitting.
Oh, I'm afraid I am.
Effective immediately.
You see, I was walking to work this morning and I heard this strange twittering noise.
And I looked in the tree up to the highest branches.
Well, what do you think I saw? A squirrel? No.
A cat? No.
A dog? In a tree? A tree dog? I saw the first bluebird of spring.
A new season was upon us.
And I realized it's time for me to move on.
You're gonna quit your job 'cause you saw a bird? You see, Joe, I'm a journeyman.
Well, every spring my traveling feet tell me: "Max, it's time to move on.
" My feet are talking too.
And they're saying, "Max, stay with us.
" Why don't you just admit what this is all really about? I have spring fever.
And there is only one cure.
Euthanasia? Look, you're just quitting so that I will feel sad that you're leaving and go on a date with you.
Wow, I'm impressed.
I mean, your vanity equals his insanity.
Max, why don't you tell them what you told us? Which part? How your work here is done.
Oh, oh, right, right.
My work here is done.
What work? Well, isn't it obvious? When I first came here, Beth was a fragile flower.
Now she's a steel magnolia.
Ow! Lisa went from potential spinsterhood to wedded bliss.
And you, Joe, I gave you the gift of self-confidence.
And Dave, I taught him how to release his anger.
What? Splendid.
Matthew, well, I helped him with his weight problem.
What weight problem? Exactly.
Well, sorry, my friends, my time has come.
If you'll excuse me, I have to clean out my desk.
Oh, I don't know, Dave.
You-- You gotta talk to him.
Nope.
Don't worry.
He's not going anywhere.
He just wants a date with me.
Oh, okay.
Now, about this thank-you note, I hope you're joking.
Oh, the cupid in prison clothes was Johnny's idea.
No, I love that.
Oh.
It's the name on the bottom that's gotta go.
Lisa Miller-Johnson.
That's my name now.
Pffft! Big mistake.
Well, no offense, Joe, but it is my name and I can do with it what I want.
Dude, Lisa Miller's not just your name.
It's your brand.
You've invested decades selling people this product: Lisa Miller.
Now you're gonna change it to Miller-Johnson? You're gonna lose customers.
Don't have customers.
Well, don't think some name change is gonna magically bring 'em in.
It's not a big deal.
On the air, I'm still gonna be Lisa Miller.
In my private life, I'm gonna be Lisa Miller-Johnson.
Name brand recognition is just as important in private.
What? I used to date this girl.
Worked at an ad agency.
I learned a lot from her.
Really? Yeah.
Superfreak.
Loves sex.
Hey.
Love the new name.
Thank you, Matthew.
What an improvement, huh? I just added one word, really.
I know.
But what a difference one word can make.
I mean, your name went from disgusting to beautiful.
You-- You thought my name was disgusting? Oh, God.
I hated it.
Hated it.
You know what I'm talking about? No, I don't.
Oh, come on.
Lisa Miller? It makes your mouth do ugly things.
Look.
Lisa Miller.
Well What about, uh, Lisa Miller-Johnson? It's not-- No, that's like a haiku.
What? Lisa Miller-Johnson walking through the woods.
Is there a snowflake? Wet.
Hey, I got more.
I got more.
[.]
I don't know.
It's all so sudden.
You sure you wanna leave today, Maxie? Well, I'm sorry, sir.
My feet have spoken.
Hm.
They tell me to go, I go.
Yeah.
Feet don't speak and you're not going anywhere.
What the hell was that all about? Oh, she thinks this is just some game I'm playing to get her to go out with me.
Oh.
Is it? Of course not.
But I wouldn't be adverse to a quickie.
Well, uh Ahem.
No, thanks, Max.
Maybe, uh-- Maybe some other time.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to Beth.
Oh.
Heh-heh! Well, it's-- It's kind of embarrassing, you know? Heh-heh! You know what it's like? It's like when, you know, somebody's waving at you and you, like, wave back.
And it turns out that, you know, they were waving at somebody else.
Except you offered to sleep with me some other time.
I was just being polite.
Yeah, that's right.
WNYX seeking on-air talent.
Yeah.
In a large print, yes.
Hm? [STAMMERS.]
Uh Yes, yes, you do have a lovely voice.
You know what? I think we're gonna run the ad just in case.
Yeah.
Thank-- No, thank you.
Hey, Mr.
James.
Oh, well, you seem to be taking Max's departure in stride.
Well, what can I do? Get up.
Hmmm? Get up.
Oh, sorry.
Thank you.
You were saying? Uh, well, you know, that he's-- He's made up his mind.
So, you know, what can I do? Well, I don't know.
You could, uh-- You could try talking to him.
Yeah.
Sir, I-- I did try talking to him.
And? And he's crazy.
You know, I'm as sad as anyone that he's leaving.
I mean, certainly we had a rough start.
But, uh, you know, he's a-- He's a good newsman.
He's very conscientious about the work.
So fight for him.
Part of being the boss is hanging on to your employees.
Well, regardless, I did talk to him and he's adamant.
I don't know.
It's just-- It's just hard for me to accept.
Well, I understand, sir.
After all, Max is the man who taught me how to share.
I wasn't a-aware of that, sir.
Yeah.
Me, neither, so I ran into him out in the foyer there.
Do you know that he-- He solved Matthew's weight problem? I mean, as far as I'm concerned, the man's a miracle worker.
WNYX news time: 11:05.
And now filling in for the absent Max Lewis, here's Matthew Brock with The Brock Report .
Opinions expressed by Matthew Brock are not necessarily those of WNYX.
Facts cited by Matthew Brock are not necessarily facts.
And now Matthew Brock.
That was Svetlana Monsoon with the news.
Thank you very much, Svetlana.
And now The Brock Report .
That was The Brock Report .
This is Lisa Miller.
More after this.
Do you like it? No.
I am not-- What is it? Svetlana Monsoon.
See, I got to thinking, if you're gonna change your name just go for it.
Go all out.
So I took Miller.
I took Johnson.
I squished them up and pulled them apart.
Monsoon.
And Svetlana? I just thought that, uh, you deserved a real pretty first name for once in your life.
I like Lisa.
Oh, come on.
We're friends.
Don't cover for me.
I'm not covering.
I like it.
You know what? Life is a lot easier for people with beautiful first names.
I mean, I should know.
Matthew.
Can you just please call me Lisa Miller on the air? We'll talk about it.
On the air just call me Lisa Miller.
Whatever.
Whatever.
Now we're back with another hard-hitting edition of The Brock Report .
Take it away, Matthew.
Thanks.
Why don't people smile more? A recent survey shows that 80 percent of Americans never, ever smile.
These people need to go to jail.
In the happy 20 percent, though, are my two special cats.
Choo-Choo Bone Wagon and Mitt-Mitt St.
Clair.
What up, guys? Why don't you just give it up? Give what up? The whole charade.
It's not working.
Yeah, well, neither am I.
I'm quitting.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
You tell me you quit and suddenly I fall in love with you and I ask you to ravage me like two baboons ganging up on a hyena.
You know, Beth, one of the few regrets I'll have in leaving this place is that I never got to make you feel like a natural woman.
But that's your loss, baby, not mine.
You could never make me feel like a natural woman.
Didn't mean to move in on your action there, Max.
She'll come back.
Okay.
Hey.
Do you mind, uh, stepping into the office there with me and Dave for a second? Oh, sure.
You're trying to get it on with everybody today, aren't you? There you go.
Uh, ahem, Max, j-just stand here for a second.
Dave and I would like to, you know, take one more try at talking some sense into you.
[FLATLY.]
Yeah.
Max, don't leave.
Well, gentlemen, although tempting, nothing on this Earth or moon could persuade me to stay.
Hey, do you guys feel a draft in here? No.
I feel fine.
Oh, because it seems like there's a lot of wind over here.
I'm by the door.
I'm just gonna shut this door.
Okay.
Please let me stay.
Please let me stay.
I promise I won't talk to anyone.
I won't get in anybody's way.
Okay, all right.
Please.
Please, just let me stay.
You can stay, you can stay.
What the hell are you talking about? You quit.
Plea-- No, I didn't quit.
It was just a ploy to get Beth to go out with me.
Beth was right? Yes.
I was bluffing.
And she saw right through me.
Oh, I'm lonely.
I'm so lonely.
All right.
All right.
You take him.
[CRYING.]
: I'm so lonely.
Oh, Max.
I just had this suit cleaned.
[CRIES.]
So you quit your job to try and get Beth to go out with you? It was the only way.
Max, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Beth, she's easy.
Hey, hey, hey.
Well, she is easy for some.
Well, men in uniforms, for instance.
Cops.
Bus drivers.
Bus boys.
Max.
Bus persons.
[SIGHS.]
For me, she's untouchable.
So you didn't feel an overwhelming urge to move on? No.
And you didn't see a bluebird on the way to work? I don't even know what a bluebird looks like.
Look, I took a shot and it failed, right? Now, come on, Dave.
Help me get out of it.
Come on.
Get yourself out of it.
I can't.
Tell everyone you've changed your mind.
I can't.
Then Beth would know I was faking it.
Well, that's too bad.
I have my pride.
No, you don't.
Will you be a man for once in your life, and take responsibility for my actions? All right, all right.
Absolutely not.
Whoa, simmer down, everybody.
The great Jimmy has a solution.
And that would be? That would be, Max I want you to go long.
You go out there and pretend to pack up all your stuff.
Dave, I want you to I want you to follow him out there and I want you to beg him to stay, all right? In front of Beth and everybody else.
And he says, "yes", all right? And everybody's happy.
Uh, on four.
Ah-ha, I like it.
I don't.
This plan revolves around me making a fool of myself in front of the entire staff.
It's brilliant.
All right.
Yeah, thank you, Max.
Look, why don't you give Dave and me a second here? Oh, sure.
I'll, uh, I'll just be out there packing.
Attaboy.
No way am I gonna do it.
I thought you were the boss of them.
I am the boss of them.
Sometimes the boss of them has to swallow his pride for the good of them.
Why don't you go out and beg Max to stay? Because I am the boss of you.
Ah.
Still quitting forever? That's right.
Mm-mm.
Well, guess I'll never see you again, huh? You said it.
Well, huh, maybe I'd better hurry up and sleep with you.
[LAUGHS.]
[SNORTS.]
Will you excuse me? I have to finish packing.
Hm-mm.
Ball of string.
Button collection.
Another ball of string.
Don't get those two tangled up.
[MUMBLES.]
Don't-- Ahh.
[PANTS.]
Oh, good, Max, you're still here.
What do you want? Max, please don't-- [WHINE.]
Swallow it, Dave.
Swallow it.
Max, please don't leave.
Am I to understand that you're begging me to stay? Yeah.
Are those tears in your eyes? Swallow.
Swallow.
Yeah, Max.
Getting a little misty here.
He's not quitting, Dave.
He's just faking it.
Yeah, a lot you know.
[WHISPERS.]
: Grab my arm.
What? Trust me.
[SIGHS.]
Take your hands off me, sir.
Groveling is one thing, but this is too much.
I said I was leaving, and that's final.
Goodbye! [.]
The O.
Okay.
Yeah.
I see, I see it.
Au, au, au, au.
Get the A, the A.
'Kay.
Au, au, au, au.
Joe, don't encourage him to play with his food.
I'm not playing.
I'm working.
He's using letters in the alphabet soup to make anagrams out of your new name.
Oh, good, I was afraid, you guys, were just goofing around in here.
Anagrams reveal the hidden meaning behind the words that we speak so casually everyday.
Look, when the letters in Lisa Miller-Johnson are rearranged, they spell out, "Low, Hell Reigns on Jim.
" And what do you think that means? I don't know, but it sounds like bad luck for Mr.
James.
I'll tell you what it means, Matthew.
Nothing.
Whatever you say, Lisa Miller-Johnson.
Or should I say, Join Lamros in Hell? That's a good one.
Who's Lamros? Wouldn't you hate to find out? See what happens when you mess around with your brand name? Just keep Lisa Miller.
It's safer.
Hey, kids.
Hey, Mr.
James, wouldn't it be crazy for Lisa to give up a great brand name as Lisa Miller? Could you please tell Joe that I am a human being, not a brand name? Actually, sweetie, to me you're both.
See? So she should keep her name, right? Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
You know, I once had a line of detergents with a great brand name.
Dandy Clean.
Yeah.
Everybody, everybody trusted it.
But, uh, you know, that that break dancing fad hit and my people made me change it.
Try to stay hip and everything like that.
And the whole thing, went bust in less than a year.
What did you change the name to? Break Dancing Detergent.
[.]
[SOBBING.]
: Dave, I couldn't find Max anywhere.
It's like he disappeared into thin air.
I-I know.
Doesn't it break your heart? Yeah, b-but, Beth, you're the one who said he was faking.
Yes.
But he wasn't faking, was he, Dave? No, he really did leave.
Even after you humiliated yourself in front of him and everyone else.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
He did that, didn't he? Yeah.
Oh, Dave.
[SIGHING.]
: It feels like like he's really gone, you know? And like I missed some opportunity or something.
Oh, well.
Beth, you know, I'm sure that-- I'm sure you'll find someone just like Max, if you're not extremely careful.
[SOBBING.]
: Oh, God, Dave.
There's gotta be some way to find him.
I made a huge mistake.
[CRIES.]
Oh, Beth.
I just-- This suit just dried.
Uh, oh.
[CRIES LOUDLY.]
There, there, there, there.
There, there.
[WAILS.]
There, there, there.
Ahh-hah-hah.
There.
[CRYING.]
: No.
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
[BETH WAILS.]
MAX: Psst, psst, Dave.
How did you find me? I didn't.
Hey, Dave.
Listen [MUMBLES.]
I'm sorry.
Max, you made a fool of both of us.
All right? I-I-I know.
But I had to make it look real for Beth.
Now listen, this time I was thinking that you could say something like, eh, "Max, there's a fire on 42nd Street.
"You're the only one who can cover it.
" And then I'll say, "I can't leave these people of the news.
" Then you're gonna say-- No.
No, no, no.
No.
No more playacting.
Look, you want to start a real fire, that's your business.
Now all I ask is that you learn your lines.
No.
Well, then I guess I'm gonna have to really quit.
Because I don't think I can take Beth laughing at me the rest of my life.
[SIGHS.]
You know, Max, I, huh I hate like hell to be the bearer of good news when you're being so irritating.
But, uh, Beth seems to miss you.
She does? Mm-hm.
Don't ask me to explain it.
But for some reason, your idiotic ploy appears to have worked.
[GIGGLES.]
[GROANS.]
Max, how can I be sure you're never gonna try anything this moronic in the future? [SIGHS.]
You can't.
Sorry, Lisa, but I've got some bad news.
Yeah, what's that? Well, while you were flipflopping on keeping your name, I copyrighted Lisa Miller.
Joe, you can't do that.
It's my name.
It was your name.
I'm sorry, but your Lisa Miller time is over.
No, no, it's a good thing, 'cause he got rid of that whole Lisa Mill-ller.
Now you're free to be Svetlana Monsoon the exotic Russian reporter.
Joe, you can't copyright my name.
Well, I have a notarized document that says otherwise.
I didn't know Matthew was a notary.
It's a fallback career, heh.
What's up? What's going on? Joe can't copyright my name, can he? No.
He can't copyright any employees' names.
See? I own the rights to all your names.
BOTH: What? When the hell are you people gonna start reading your contracts? You own the copyright to Lisa Miller? Yeah.
You want it? I'll give it to you as wedding present.
Oh, no, sir, you already gave us that really nice toaster oven.
I can return that.
Can I have my name back? No.
No, sorry.
No can do, Joe.
Garelli is my Italian line of feminine hygiene products.
Hello, everybody.
Max.
Max, you came back.
I couldn't leave you behind, my treasure.
Wow.
[SIGHS.]
That was-- Disgusting.
What? I don't wanna ever see that again.
Why would you do that, Max? I thought you were into me.
[PANTING.]
: I know, II was.
I-- I was into you while you were away.
But now that you're back, it just seems wrong and creepy.
But you know what, Max as a friend, just a little tip.
If you close your mouth a little you might be able to cut down on the drool.
Go get them, tiger, heh.
Thanks for the tip.
Tsk, well, Max.
You've learned a lesson about lying and pretending to quit your job.
Are you kidding me? Where I come from, that's called action.
And I got some.
Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha.
Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha.
[.]