Newsreaders (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Auto Erotic

Tonight on "Newsreaders," we take you inside the world-famous Snead Normandy Youth Golf academy breeding ground for world-class professional golfers, or training camp for Al-qaeda sleeper cells? Also, we catch up with famed newsman Dan rather and learn about his second career as part of the dirty south hip-hop scene.
It turns out Bone Crusher, Bun B, and I share an agent.
The rest, as I say in my song "Fact Man To Da 404," is history.
All that and more tonight on "Newsreaders.
" Kinsey published his seminal work on human sexuality, he never could have imagined the things we would be doing with and to our genitalia.
And Dr.
Kinsey surely could never have imagined that America's changing sexual habits might one day revitalize a struggling American auto industry.
Not only might they, did they.
The story of the rebirth of Detroit steel begins in, of all places, this eastern Arizona state university dorm room, where sports drink marketing majors Ethan Lexworth and Micah Berkeley had a simple idea.
Well, we didn't have a ride for Bonnaroo and I said, "Dude, if I bet if we had a cool but nondescript van, I bet we could drive ourselves there and get girls that we don't know to have sex with us.
" I was like, "Yeah, totally.
" And then like 10 minutes later, I had another idea.
You had a second idea.
Yeah.
It just hit me.
It was like a freight truck.
And did you say what the second idea was? I was like, "Uh, cool, and then if we film us having sex with the girls, we could just put it up on the Internet.
" It's genius.
You guys.
Whatever.
How was Bonnaroo? We didn't make it.
Yeah, we kind of got busy.
More like boner-roo.
Am I right? Nobody really says "boner" anymore.
They leased the outside the dealership lot, an Internet sensation was born.
Why don't you get inside the van? We'll get a little weird.
Okay.
That sounds fun.
Oh, girl! Oh, that is hella bangin'.
Ethan and Micah's videos spread like a viral Internet video.
And like Apple Computer and Jesus, another successful business was once again born in a garage.
And now America needed more garagesfor vans.
As the [Bleep] Van videos gained in popularity, vans sales spiked across the country, and auto manufacturers began to heavily market them as luxury items.
The new American Auto Motor's Benchmark L roomy, sleek, stylish, sophisticated, and sexy.
Much more than transportation, it gets you exactly what you're looking for.
In just two years, Ethan and Micah made enough money to buy an entire floor of their dormitory, which now houses the [bleep] Van offices.
America's love affair with vans seemed to know no bounds, but it learned some bounds thanks to one man.
His name is Ames Mackenzie, and he's suing American Auto.
I bought one of their vans and drove it around for two weeks, approached girls at parking lots and parking garages and strip malls, regular malls, sports arenas, turnpike rest areas, uhCarl's Jr.
Parking lots, Arby's parking lots, Rax Roast Beef's parking lots, umparks, dog parks, Del Taco parking lots.
Did I say sports arenas? Yes, you did.
Sports arenas and the marina, and none of the girls would even get into the van, let alone take off their top and do stuff.
So, here you are, stuck with a lemon.
A lemon with the premium package.
Heated seats? Heated seat belts.
I understand why you're suing American Auto, but why would you sue [Bleep] Van? Well, first of all, I work as a file clerk at a law firm, so the paperwork's nothing.
Everything on our website is 100% real.
So, you guys aren't worried about this lawsuit? Sorry if he couldn't get laid with the van.
It works for us.
You guys you guys are just getting laid all the time in college, aren't you? You're just, like I think I was born 20 10 years too early, you know? I, uh but you can just get a van.
They're stylish.
You should get one.
And that's just what we did, to find out if their website was legitimate.
So, Cammie, you've been in several [Bleep] Van videos.
Are you familiar with the No, no, no, no.
That's No, no.
Just You can put your shirt back down.
It's okay.
Umwhere was I? Uhright.
Have you heard about the lawsuit going on? Oh, yeah.
I saw that guy suing on TV.
He probably had a dirty van.
That's why girls wouldn't get in it and do stuff.
So, you think the van was the problem? Maybe.
I mean [Bleep] Vans are always spotless on the outside and roomy on the inside.
And they're so sleek.
Plus they're comfortable and kind of sophisticated.
Do you think No, no, no, Cammie.
No, no.
Stop, stop, stop.
Justpull it down.
It's not necessary.
It's really hot in here.
Everything's heated.
I don't know.
Maybe the van wasn't clean enough to be enticing.
No, it was detailed before I got it.
Do you smell something? I ate salami yesterday.
I-I-I-I think that's possible it might be it.
[Bleep] Van appeared to be guilty of nothing more than providing a file clerk with an outlet for his paperwork skills, until "Newsreaders" received a call from somebody an insider who said they had inside information.
I had to say something.
Is that you, Cammie? No.
No.
The source, who we'll call Woodward, because calling her deep throat would be too on the nose, decided to come forward because she had seen too much.
Please, just put your top down.
Look, I know that's you, Cammie.
[Bleep] Van is not what you think it is.
I was in 20 videos, and all of a sudden, they fired me, and I lost my health insurance.
They give you healthcare? And dental.
Full premium package.
Fully heated.
That doesn't make any sense.
It will when you read this.
That folder contained a Pandora's box of shocking revelations.
These documents told the untold story that some very powerful corporate interests did not want to be told.
According to one American auto internal memo [Bleep] Van was not the work of two enterprising college students, but like the Bonnaroo music festival, sprang from a polished corporate boardroom.
Yes, we are completely behind [Bleep] Van.
So, you don't deny this? No.
No.
We're very proud of it.
It was brilliant advertising.
We gave those two kids a van.
And you sent them out on the street to make videos of themself having sex with girls they just picked up, huh? No, actually, we told them to have sex with their girlfriends, then make it look like they picked them up on the street, and then we created a website for them, and the videos just went off the charts.
Even more successful than any of the alternative music festivals we've created.
Even Coachella? Yeah.
Then we launched the Benchmark L commercials and To coincide with the success of the [Bleep] Van website.
Yeah, the van sales went through the roof.
So, you're not only an auto manufacturer, you're a porn producer.
I wouldn't call it porn.
What would you call it? Um sexy vanstories.
Pornography.
N-no? Stories.
Stories.
Human interest.
We had student loans.
American auto gave us the vans, the scripts.
What? They gave you "Hella bangin'"? Man, listen to yourself.
No one says that.
American auto totally came up with "Hella bangin'.
" And you, Cammie, I mean, why are you blowing the whistle when you were in on this whole thing? Ethan and I broke up and the car company wouldn't let us have sex on camera unless we were together.
American automotive is a real conservative company.
Bro, I mean, I personally watched videos of you having sex with over two dozen women.
Mm.
Yeah.
I'm a total serial dater.
Totally defines himself by who he's dating.
That is the wussiest thing I've ever heard of.
I have a poet's heart.
Dude, like, what what happened to us? What are you talking about? You know, downing brews and, like, hangin', bangin'.
Banging what? Like, you know, bangin' hella bangin' we told you no one says that, man.
You deceived the American public, and you encouraged young girls to think that it's okay to have sex with strangers in moving vans.
We are an auto manufacturer.
Mm-hmm.
We have done way worse things than this.
Such as? The annual California wildfires, periodic e.
coli breakouts in fresh produce, burning man, the Exxon Valdez, cat vomit, hepatitis "B," but not "C," uh the zodiac killer.
That was you guys? No, but only because we didn't think of it.
I mean, you're kind of an evil person.
Do you have any other questions for me? Finally tonight, a few thoughts from Skip Reming.
My grandchildren, Rider and Madison yes, those are the names their parents actually chose to give them always ask me why things used to be so much better in the olden days.
My answer's always the same.
First of all, when kids used to ask questions, they did it looking you in the eye, wearing a shirt with a collar and shoes with leather soles.
And then I tell them things were better because cigarettes tasted like burning flesh.
A man was a man.
It was illegal for doctors to turn a penis into a vagina.
You could lease a new horse every year, Turkey sandwiches were a quarter, and prostitutes were two Turkey sandwiches.
But these kids aren't listening, not even looking at me.
They're off in a corner, playing a ninja video game in their [bleep] rubber-soled shoes that light up when they walk.
Coming up next week, with summer vacations just around the corner, we have a story that may make you think twice when planning that Vietnamese sex-tourism adventure.
Their brochures promised exquisite sex workers.
And I flew all the way over there, went to like 12 different brothels, and none of the girls would have sex with me.
If you would like a transcript of tonight's program, use both your DVR and a computer, and you can probably knock it out in a couple of hours.
I'm Louis LaFonda.
Good night.