Newsreaders (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

Hair Razing

Tonight on "Newsreaders," we talk to innovative Colorado rancher Victor Creech, who claims he's created the perfect breed of cow.
Mark my words -- human sperm is the new bull semen.
Human sperm.
And tobacco critic Vanessa Taylor will be here with a review of midtown menthol lite 100s.
Equal parts smooth and minty-- I'll tell you why these cigarettes are only popular with African-Americans.
All that and more, tonight on "Newsreaders.
" Tonight we turn our attention to an endangered species of bird you may not have heard of, but almost certainly are about to, because this whole story is about it.
Amir Larussa has a report that is both hair- and awareness-raising.
This is the gray-tufted warbler.
Its playful songs have been the soundtrack for generations of nature lovers, boy scouts, curious teenagers, and lovers of curious teenage boy scouts.
But in recent years, its population has dwindled, with no obvious explanation.
The mystery of the disappearing warbler was finally solved when Princeton avian biologist Valerie Vesser warbled a question nobody else had.
One day, my lab assistant and I were 69ing -- we're both clean-shaven -- and I began to wonder what happens to our pubic hair when we remove it from our bodies.
Where does it go? Oh, you want -- uh, in the garbage, down the drain.
But then where does it go? Trash.
That's the same th-- uh, the dumpster I don't know.
It's gone -- same thing that happens to motor oil and hospital bills.
Well, later that same year, I was, um, researching the gray-tufted warbler problem, and my assistant and I found copious amounts of human pubic hair in their nests.
Do you have pictures? Of my assistant? Of course.
Vesser found that while human pubic hair made good nesting material, it was actually harming the birds.
So one of the first things we had to figure out was, why are they using pubic hair? Hmm.
Shot in the dark -- it has magical qualities that give them strength.
The gray-tufted warbler, um, has very coarse feathers, so the pubic hair feels very familiar to them -- like a pubic blankie.
God has a plan for everything.
Yet there are problems.
Well, what we found is that the chemicals that you and I use on our bodies in baths --- soaps and waxes deodorants.
deodorants -- transfers from the human hair to the bird's feathers.
And when it gets on the wings, it makes them unable to fly and therefore unable to escape predators.
They're killed right away.
Right away.
Like Marvin Gaye was.
Or Sam Cooke.
John Lennon.
Marilyn Monroe.
JFK -- not technically a singer, but If we're going political, Lincoln -- all the lady babies in China.
The point is, is the effects of pubic hair on the environment, like the number of -- Michael Jackson.
That was a big one.
I remember when that one happened.
Oh, my God.
And as more and more Americans have been removing the hair on their penises, testicles, vaginas, and in some cases, vestigial penisginas, the environmental concerns mount.
Researchers at the national oceanic and atmospheric administration have identified a massive pubic hair the size of Rhode Island floating in the Atlantic ocean, 40 miles off the coast of Rhode Island.
So with all of this evidence, you would think people would think twice about shaving their bodies, but they still seem to be thinking zero about it.
We talked to this woman, who only had to think about it once.
Twice was unnecessary.
She had it all thought out in just the one time.
Flavia Acai has seen the devastation waxing and shaving have caused in her home country.
The Brazilian wax tree once covered most of my country, but it has been clear-cut.
To be harvested for body wax? Yes.
These trees were once home to the gray-tufted warbler.
So the very trees they lived in are the source of the wax that is removing the pubic hair that is poisoning them.
That's very ironic.
Maybe the pubic-hair contamination is also killing off irony, because I don't know what you mean.
So when I say that you would think someone with your beautiful, smooth skin would probably be fully shaven nothing? I sort of understand what you mean, because it sounds more like a paradox than irony.
But the point is, these birds -- they need the trees, and they have been clear-cut to extract the wax, and all of the vegetation is gone.
All of the vegetation is gone? All of it.
Just like on yourvaginas.
Do you have any pictures? Of -- of my vagina? Yeah.
Of course.
I'm Brazilian.
Like a much hotter Al Gore, her days are devoted to raising environmental awareness.
It's "Jesus saves," not "Jesus shaves.
" Here you go, baby.
But despite how unbelievably hot she is, there are some who actually disagree with Flavia Acai.
Clint Schliff is a lobbyist for the body-hair-removal industry and retail giant Abercrombie & Fitch.
Genital smoothening is just being unfairly slandered here.
It's just good hygiene.
It's good hygiene? If it's smoother, then it's cleaner.
I'm sure that the pubic-hair lobbyists, they want you to believe that pubic hair prevents bacteria from entering the body through the genitals.
Well, frankly, I don't buy that.
You know, it's like having an appendix on your genitals.
Yeah, I'm still not seeing how it's healthier.
You know, it's like Muslims not eating pork.
What does that mean? Right? You're Muslim, right? No, but I do shave my balls.
What do you mean, you're not Muslim? Why -- why would you have a name like Amir if you're not Muslim? I don't know.
You know, the one thing that nobody's talking about is the gray-tufted warbler.
That's, like, pretty much all we've been talking about.
Covered irony a little bit.
We've been talking a bunch about pubes, but we've pretty much just been focused on that word.
Like, almost nonstop.
Gray-tufted warbler is an awful bird, okay? He's a dick.
What? The gray-tufted warbler is the biggest asshole in the bird kingdom.
Other birds don't like the gray-tufted warbler.
Even blue jays? Blue jays absolutely despise gray-tufted warblers.
- Do you know what they say? - No.
Blue jays say, "If we were driving cars, gray-tufted warblers would be the ones crapping on our windshields.
" No, they don't.
If -- if all the birds are people swimming in a pool, the gray-tufted warbler is the one that drops a toaster in.
If you're driving in a car, the gray-tufted warbler is the one that's cutting you off while fingering your mother, and it's in blackface.
You get it.
I don't know why blackface.
'Cause it's just not a good thing t-- it would be -- it would be in poor taste.
funny stuff, but nowadays you got to really be careful with that stuff.
First of all, I would go with a bigger number than 15 or 20 for that.
Uh, secondly so many secondlies.
Did your research reveal anything about how other species of birds interact with the gray-tufted warbler? The other birds hate the gray-tufted warbler.
It is a terrible bird.
If those birds were people swimming in a swimming pool, the gray-tufted warblers would be the one dropping the toaster in.
Are you serious? That guy said the exact same thing.
The gray-tufted warbler lives surrounded by pubic hair.
Who does that? With Americans seemingly unwilling to change their habits, Flavia Acai hopes to raise awareness with a series of public-service announcements featuring some of Hollywood's biggest stars.
People will tell you it's cool or fashionable or sensual to wax away all the hair on your body.
But what they don't tell you is that it hurts.
Especially the stomach.
And it hurts our environment even more than the stomach.
Which is a lot, because the stomach really hurts.
Also, it can cause ingrown hairsthat also hurt.
But not as much as the stomach.
People started pube-olution.
People can stop it.
To avoid an environmental disaster, Flavia Acai and her fellow activists devote their time to raising money for the cause and razing the forests of human pubic hair.
Of course, saving the gray-tufted warbler would not be without costs.
It is such a wretched creature.
If the gray-tufted warbler is my older brother tom, he's, like, holding you underwater in the swimming pool, and he brings you up in just enough time to get a breath.
Your mouth is open, he spits in your mouth, then he puts you back under.
And then, when you come back up, he says, "Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father," and then he sticks you underwater, and as you're underwater, you're heart has been broken by someone that you thought you loved and trusted.
And when you come back up That's the gray-tufted warbler.
Yeah, that would be a gray-tufted warbler, all right.
I think I need a little break if that's okay.
Awful, awful birds.
We're glad they're dying out.
Now skip reming's here.
And you guessed it -- he's not happy about something.
Words are powerful things.
They can start wars, end marriages, even begin famous works of literature.
Irregardless of your race or language, the words you use speak volumes about you.
Take me -- I just said "irregardless.
" That's not even a real word.
Look it up in a dictionary, not on the spell-check on that glorified Underwood.
So I'm a jerk.
But not nearly as big of a jerk-off as you are if you say any of these words, and I bet you say most of them.
"Outside the box.
" "Real game-changer.
" "Nailed it!" "Brain fart.
" "Latino voter.
" "Drink the kool-aid.
" And if you say "game-changer," I'll pop you right in your word hole, brother.
That would change the game, wouldn't it, huh? I sure would nail it with that.
I'd really drink the Latino voter.
Thanks, skip.
Next week on "Newsreaders," we'll talk to one woman who won't shut up about what an early riser she is.
And we'll meet the man scientists say has come up with the single most clever e-mail signature line possible.
I experimented a lot.
Everything from "Sent from my commodore Mm.
And then one day in the shower, it just kind of hit me -- "Don't ask how I sent this.
" And an entire address book full of mildly amused recipients was born.
And now people are calling it "'The [Bleep] My Dad Says' Of E-mail Signatures.
" Yeah, I guess.
But I'm not gonna sell out like that guy did.
Finally tonight, a few corrections.
Last week we reported that all men named Chad make really creepy neighbors.
We should have said most men named Chad.
Also, five minutes ago, we did a story on the gray-tufted warbler.
Turns out everything in that story was made up.
We regret the errors.
I'm Louis LaFonda.
Good night.
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