Newsreaders (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

Fit Town, Fat Town

Tonight on "Newsreaders," astronauts in space -- how do they poop? Six famous astronauts refuse to tell us.
And can racists like salsa dancing? We'll meet one white supremacist who says, "Claro que sí.
" Also, baby aspirin and vanilla extract -- is it a revolutionary new cure for baldness? Nope.
All that and more tonight, on "Newsreaders.
" For generations, Americans have been waging a losing war on obesity.
We've tried everything -- dieting, juice fasts, bulimia.
But none of it has worked.
But there is one town that is winning the battle of the bulge.
Riverton, Ohio, the record holder for fittest town in America 20 years running.
Just what is Riverton's secret? Sadee Deenus won't answer that question, but she'll ask a few of her own.
Walking down the road here in Riverton, Ohio, is like stepping back in time if there ever was a time when Americans weren't morbidly obese.
Fatness is sewn into the very fabric of our democracy.
Even our names are fat, from abolitionist Harriet Tubman to 26th U.
S.
president porkpie swellbottom.
But it turns out the fittest town in the country also has more fast-food restaurants per capita than any other city.
And here's the real kick in the nuts -- no gyms.
So against these odds, how does Riverton stay so fit and trim? Riverton mayor Vincent Gates.
Okay, people here don't think about staying fit.
We don't have time.
We're too busy thinking about hard work and providing for our families.
It's been said that if Rubens could reprise his full-figured nudes here in Riverton, he'd save a lot of money on paint.
[ Chuckles ] Okay, let me tell you, we do not have a lot of time for wordplay in Riverton.
But if what you're trying to say with that weird poem that you were saying is, yes, that's accurate.
You would be hard pressed to call us a bunch of fat [bleep] Fat [bleep] That's very strong.
I'm not saying that fat people are not as hardworking as we are.
But they aren't.
Plus, I am very strong.
How did you get that way with no gyms in town? Okay, six ways hard work, really strong, no wordplay, fat [Bleep] Just normal folks.
I spoke to some of these "normal folk," the Rubys, in their typical Riverton kitchen.
So, how do you stay so fit? Oh, we're just hardworking, I guess.
You're salt of the earth, yet you can eat all the salt you want.
Well, we're not much into wordplay around here.
You know, plus, I got confused because salt is not associated with weight gain.
Salt can cause water retention, yeah.
Oh, you see, we're just hardworking people.
I don't -- water retention takes a lot of time.
Mm-hmm.
Logan, you can't work all the time.
Do you have any hobbies, a girlfriend maybe? Um, I do have a girlfriend, and it's a super-secret forbidden relationship that would go a long way towards solving the mystery of how we stay so fit.
And it would destroy my parents if they found out.
Uh oh, they're deaf.
[ Air horn blows ] They read lips.
Oh, and before I forget paddle boats.
Paddle boats.
It's like "Rosebud" at the end of "Citizen Kane.
" You'll figure it out at some point.
Oh, I'll figure it out before then.
[ Scoffs ] We asked nutritionist Dr.
Laney Trammings about all the stuff we've been talking about with the fit town and so forth and and how everybody in one town could possibly be so physically fit.
[ Sighs ] Look, I don't know, you know.
Who cares? That's just I need -- to be surrounded by a bunch of skinny bitches, okay? I've had two kids, vaginally.
Not c-section.
This -- this is my body.
I'm not -- I'm happy with it.
You know, absolutely.
She didn't have the answers to why everybody stayed so fit.
Maybe Logan Ruby did.
I tagged along with him as he delivered pizzas to Bridgeberg, the town across the bridge from Riverton, the one that's full of fat people.
[ Knock on door ] Hey.
How are you? Here you go.
And your dipping sauce.
Thank you.
Hi, Logan.
Get over here you fat [Bleep] [ Chuckles ] Bye, baby.
Imagine if you didn't have to bike over here 14 times a day, burning all of those calories just to feed us, we never would have met.
Bye.
Suddenly it was all adding up.
The obvious answer to how everybody in Riverton stayed so fit.
[ Shouting ] Is it because everyone here is deaf, so they can't hear commercials for fast-food restaurants? Why are you yelling? So you can read my lips better.
No, we only have two deafies in town, and they both got deafed up from working at the seat-belt-extender factory.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
That came off offensive.
Um, seat-belt-extender plant is where those deafies got deaf.
Okay.
Deafed up.
Well, I guess I just have one more question, then.
Does Logan Ruby have a girlfriend? My questions to mayor Gates and the residents of Riverton were falling on deaf ears.
Perhaps I was asking the right questions but to the wrong people.
So I decided to ask a person with much larger ears, Bridgeberg mayor Marjorie Kalesmith.
What is it about a seat-belt-extender factory that would make people go deaf? Is it real loud in there? Well, I haven't been inside a seat-belt-extender factory, but I have been inside a seat belt that's been extended, and I did not lose my hearing.
We here in Bridgeberg have six problems -- sleep apnea, furniture-breakage-related injuries, type 2 diabetes, type 3 diabetes, which exists only here in Bridgeberg, painful heart attacks, and taking our rings off at the end of the day.
So I guess you could say that if Rubens were alive today, he could reprise his famous nudes here in Bridgeberg and not have enough paint.
[ Laughing ] Oh! That's a good one! That's -- Rubens painted fat ladies! Oh, there is nothing I love more than wordplay.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, except for dipping sauce.
So the mayor of Bridgeberg also proved to be a "deaf" end.
And it seemed this mystery would never be solved until a lucky break I got this very morning when a support collapsed and the bridge connecting these two towns was closed.
Now the people of Bridgeberg can't get food delivered.
And Logan Ruby has no way to see his -- oh, wait.
He does have a girlfriend.
But there's still one mystery left unsolved.
How we're gonna explain our forbidden romance to two towns that never intermingle? Hmm? No, no, that wasn't it at all, but, yeah, let's do that one.
We'll deliver goods back and forth on paddle boats, which will engender good will on both sides in both towns.
Our relationship will be celebrated.
We'll be heroes.
I don't -- I thought we were doing deaf stuff.
Okay.
Rosebud was the paddle boat, just like in "Citizen Kane.
" But one thing still didn't add up.
Hard work mm-hmm.
really strong mm.
no wordplay mm-hmm.
fat [Bleep] Just normal folk.
Yep! Okay, what's the sixth one, then? Oh, uh, food deliveries.
I don't get it.
Uh, we deliver food, and those fat [Bleep] gobble it up.
I don't know why that didn't occur to me before.
That's the sixth one.
That should almost be the first one.
LaFonda: And now Skip Reming is here with the kind of wisdom you can't get anywhere else Except for really old-school barber shops and VFWs.
People are always asking me two things.
"Hey, mister, did you just crap in my koi pond?" And "How do you stay in such good shape?" In both cases, the answer is it's all part of my workout.
I've been doing the same regimen every morning for 47 years.
It's why I have a body like a sack full of iron squirrels all working in perfect harmony to fetch me the giant acorn of my hopes and dreams.
But why should I be the only one at the duck-pin bowling alley with a physique like a Greece minotaur? That's why for the first time I'm sharing my workout routine with you.
My workout starts with grabbing the heaviest thing I own and lifting it over my head.
For me, it's this.
[ Grunts ] Now it's time to work those lung muscles.
Grab a hot-water bottle and blow it up like a balloon.
You remember, if you want a career as a circus strong man, torso girth is the name of the game.
Next, I go into my kitchen and bend every fork and spoon I own.
When it comes to leaving your mark on this crazy blue marble, nothing satisfies like disfiguring metal.
Makes a fella feel like he's been somewhere.
You do that routine every day, I guarantee by the time you get to be my age, you'll be knee deep in widow quim.
I know I am.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna hit the koi pond.
LaFonda: Thanks, Skip.
Next week on "Newsreaders," guilty pleasures.
We'll speak to one of Wegman's weimaraners, the sexy one.
And Dan Rather will be here with some "Rather Good Advice.
" We get letters, and in the mail, this one.
"Dear Dan, my fiancé can't seem to make any decisions without consulting his mother.
She told him we shouldn't move in together even I know that's what we both want.
What should I do? Sincerely, confused Chloe in Chicago.
" Chloe I'll tell you what I told princess grace of Monaco back in Remember, if you marry him, you're marrying his mother.
Make sure you like your mother-in-law, because you can't fight genetics.
LaFonda: And finally, before we go tonight, a quick word to our cat viewers.
Meow.
I-I just want to, uh, thank you guys.
This is the first time somebody's been here all year with a camera not asking me about our cop shooting that kid in the park in the back.
No, we're not interested in that story.
I tell our cops, you're gonna shoot an unarmed person.
Keep some weapons or, you know, a squirt gun or something around, you know, just handy just so -- I'm just -- I'm glad you're not asking about any of that, is the other thing.
So, thank you.