Newsreaders (2013) s02e02 Episode Script

Motorboating Dads; the Negative $100,000 Question

Biscayne: Tonight on "Newsreaders, we'll meet the world's oldest living tree.
He's as racist as you might expect.
And dyslexic zombies.
We'll tell you why you need to worry if your name is Brian.
All that and more tonight on "Newsreaders.
" Newsreaders - 02x02 "Motorboating Dads" First tonight, parents will do anything for their children, including doing things that nobody knew were things.
Sadee Deenus has more on those things.
You know what they say "Parenting used to be easy.
" Two people would smash, splooge, and then watch as their baby matured into a quarterback or a lawyer or a woman.
But like so many things, parenting isn't so simple these days.
I love my son.
And I just I want to do everything I can do for that boy.
You've heard of "Tiger Moms" and "Helicopter Parents" who try to control every aspect of their children's lives.
Well, Mark Jones of West Orange, New Jersey, is a "motorboating dad.
" He's teaching his son the lessons that aren't talked in the classroom.
Forget, like, S.
You know what I mean? I feel like if you're confident enough to grab a hot piece of ass, then you're confident enough to do anything and go anywhere in life.
Hot wife, good life.
So you're basically teaching your son how to romance woman.
I'm teaching him a specific skill-set that he will need to know when he heads into his freshman year of college.
You see? I-I'm teaching him how to cook one meal really well, uh, a little bit of carpentry, or a few ditties on the guitar to play at parties for chicks.
How to say, like, "I'm sorry" by, like, flipping your hair like Exactly! Mark got involved when he saw that his son's standardized test scores were only in the 20th percentile.
Well, of course I wish he was smart, but I can't make him smart.
His coolness factor with the ladies? Well, that's still wet concrete that I can mold.
No, no.
Don't don't look at your fingers 'cause then it looks like all you care about is your fingers.
Here, look.
You know what? Look at her.
Look at her.
Huh? He's dubbed his lessons "the Bros and the Bees," and has published a book that you can buy wherever books are sold So, Amazon, basically.
His philosophy and techniques have caught on with fathers everywhere.
But just like movies in the art world, "motorboating dads" have their critics, critics like mother-of-three Cheryl Hinnerman.
I heard about this thing, you know, and I was like, "what? Dads are doing this?" And then they were like, "yeah, I saw it online.
" And I was like, "really? What's the website?" And they said, "I don't remember, just 'Google' it.
" - Ugh, Cindy.
So, I-I did.
- So you find this revolting? Well, sure, but everything about parenting is revolting.
I still wipe my daughter's ass and she's 5, but that is not some crazy thing.
Look, I just I don't think it's fair to the naturally handsome boys out there who don't know anything about Bob Dylan.
Mark, some critics say that it's inappropriate knowledge for a young child.
Oh, so chivalry is inappropriate? Hmm? Knowing a little bit of French, uh, is inappropriate? Knowing how to put on a condom super-fast is inappropriate? I don't want my daughter falling prey to some ugly dum-dum just because he owns a golden-retriever puppy and can hacky-sack and goes to "Burning Man" or Or whatever this stupid garbage they're being taught by these dads.
Let me tell you something.
If teaching my kid how to pretend to listen or how to propose a cuddle session is evil, then I challenge someone from the future to come back in time and murder me right now as if I was some sort of Hitler.
Where are they? - They're not here, are they? - No.
I don't see anyone.
Right, so what does that tell you? Well, that time travel might not exist, perhaps? In the future, it totally exists.
Biscayne: Hmm.
Thanks, Sadee.
I think you may have missed the bigger story there.
Next, game shows.
Since the days of radio, television game-shows have enthralled us.
We all know what happens to the winners They never shut up about it.
But what about the losers? What happens to them? Well, if they lose on the long-running game show "Precipice," a lucky few get the consolation prize of appearing in this shocking "Newsreaders" story.
- Let's play "Precipice"! - Biscayne: "Precipice.
" It's just like "Jeopardy" except with the questions as questions and the answers as answers.
America has watched contestant after contestant hit it big answering host Ted Fishlake's trivia teasers.
But on "Precipice," not everybody rakes in the winnings.
- (Buzzer) Gray tufted warbler.
- (Buzzer) Some, like Ryan Rosenberg of Philadelphia, shovel in the losings.
- (Buzzer) (Buzzer) - Magma.
- Suzanne Pleshette.
- (Buzzer) - Excess Foreskin.
- (Buzzer) I'm sorry.
The answer we were looking for was "Don Cheadle".
Oh, of course.
Don Cheadle.
And Ryan, that takes you down to minus $9200.
It was really embarrassing.
Biscayne: But embarrassment was the least of your problems, though.
Well, I wouldn't say it was the least of my problems.
Like, there's this guy at work I went to lunch with one day.
Now he thinks we're best friends, but I don't really click with him.
That's probably the least of my problems.
Biscayne: Right, but you had bigger problems other than being embarrassed on the show and who you go to Panera with.
- That's what I - Oh, yeah.
No, I ended up owing "Precipice" a ton of money.
- Mmm.
Way bigger problem.
- Biscayne: That's right.
When a contestant's score goes below zero, they owe that money back to the show.
And "Precipice's" aggressive creditors will come knocking if you can't pay up.
The show said that they would work with me, set me up on a payment plan.
But they just put a lien on my house.
So now they own it.
- And that was your house, right there? - Yep.
The show's host turned it into a third doghouse for his mastiffs.
So, they just crap there now Maybe have sex.
The dogs aren't fixed.
Biscayne: How are you paying for the debt? Mostly by selling plasma.
Biscayne: But how much can that really pay for? Well, I cut my plasma with my own sperm, so I have more of it to sell.
Biscayne: (Gasps) Wouldn't it make more sense to sell the sperm and the plasma separately? You know, I never thought of that.
You'd probably do really well if you went on "Precipice.
" - Biscayne: Really? - Yeah.
Asking all those who's, what's, and when's has made Ted Fishlake a rich man, affording him a lifestyle of private jets, leather crayons, and panda-meat sliders.
We decided to ask Fishlake a few questions of our own.
What about Ryan Rosenberg? Well, Mr.
Rosenberg neglected to read his contract, period.
Biscayne: But why go after them? I mean, why not send them home with consolation prizes? We're not heartless with contestants of limited means.
We send them home with a plasma pump.
Biscayne: It's not just regular people like Ryan who get themselves in trouble with game-show creditors.
Famous people do, too.
Rob Huebel, star of the long-running television drama "Children's Hospital," lost $140,000 in one week playing for charity on "Celebrity Precipice.
" - I don't know.
Kitty cats.
- (Buzzer) Oh, I did terribly on that show one of the worst performances of my career, and I was in the musical adaptation of "The Accused.
" But I didn't have to pay any of the money back.
Biscayne: No, that was the responsibility of "Cirrhosis Enders," the charity Huebel was playing for.
Hugh Dean is the head of "Cirrhosis Enders.
" After Rob Huebel lost all that money, what happened to "Cirrhosis Enders"? The lab was shut down and, uh, test specimens died.
Decades of work were lost.
I'd say we were five or six months away from a cure for cirrhosis, but Who knew Huebel was that dumb.
Biscayne: If rob Huebel was here right now, what would you say to him? Uh, probably nothing, uh, because I'd be so gripped with a white-hot rage that speech wouldn't really be an option.
I'd probably choke him to death.
So, take whatever, sort of, you could from that.
Biscayne: You're unhappy? Yeah, I'm unhappy with what he did 'cause he ruined, um, you know, a large portion of my life.
Biscayne: He was so good in "The Accused" musical.
- Thought he was a little big.
- I just hope I never get cirrhosis.
Oh, I'm out of glitter.
(Screaming) Why am I out of glitter?! Why?! Why?! Where is the glitter that belongs to me?! Where?! Most people do fine.
You don't throw out stupid answers on thousand-dollar questions.
Huebel thought that Chinese people invented kitty cats.
Biscayne: But game shows It's classic wish-fulfillment.
Aren't you afraid that once people see this, they're gonna stop watching because they're afraid that their wishes - are gonna cost them their homes? - Hmm.
I've never thought of that.
Boy, you're smart.
You'd be great at this show.
Biscayne: You oh.
I mean, we have a new celebrity edition coming, but - I'm sure you're too busy.
- No.
I-I mean, w-we could explore it.
- You would clean us out.
- Biscayne: Ah.
- Your dog would be crapping in my house.
- Biscayne: (Chuckling) I don't have a dog.
I'm gonna regret this.
Once upon a time, this white, powdery drug made from coca leaves was used to treat headaches and hay fever.
Biscayne: Medicine! - Wow.
You've nailed it! - Biscayne: (Laughs) Ding, ding, ding! And now some musings from humorous Jim Davidson.
I'll tell you something.
It is sometimes really tough to find a parking space at fireworks displays.
It seems that every fourth of July I show up at the city park, ready for fireworks, and it takes me 10 minutes to find a space.
Then I only have 15 minutes to get a hot dog and put my blanket down 'cause I usually get there 25 minutes before.
so it's really not a big deal.
Biscayne: Coming up next week on "Newsreaders," they're called "retro-retroviral drugs.
" And we'll tell you how club-kids are getting a new buzz off of expired A.
I'm Reagan Biscayne.
Good night.
The name for which European specialty food comes from the French word meaning "melted"? - Biscayne: (French accent) Melted.
- (Buzzer) How long would it take a man traveling 60 miles an hour along the Equator to circumnavigate the Earth? (Buzzer) Biscayne: 1,000.
- 1,000 what? - Biscayne: Who? (Buzzer) For men, what is the most common side effect of very tight, constricting underwear? - (Buzzer) Biscayne: Don Cheadle.
- (Buzzer) I'm sorry.
The answer we were looking for was "excess foreskin.