No Activity (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
Golden Age Of Tunnels
1 MAN: This is KOYF.
San Diegans are picking up the pieces today after a 6.
2 earthquake overnight.
Reports of property damage and some loss of life.
Officials say the epicenter of the quake was approximately 25 miles east of the city [COUGHING.]
[COUGHS.]
No.
Ayuda.
[GRUNTS.]
Are you not hurt at all? No, I'm okay.
[GRUNTS.]
Hijo de tu madre.
Ãrale.
Sorry about the You know.
It's a fear thing.
It happens whenever I'm scared.
You know, like scary movies.
Surprise parties.
Boo! You know? Boing.
[SIGHS.]
What is it? What what is it? What are you talking about? Look, you know, we're adults here, okay? My hard penis was dug in into your leg.
It's done.
Mmm.
No, I didn't feel that.
Nothing.
No.
Don't worry about it.
Look, I got scared.
It got hard.
My penis dug into your leg.
It's not about you, okay? Don't get weird about this.
Bro, calm down.
I would've told you if I felt it.
Did you feel the earthquake, at least? Yeah, yeah.
No, that I was there.
There's no way you didn't feel it, all right? - You didn't feel this? - Okay.
What are you doing? - You didn't feel this? Huh? - Okay.
Why are you? - With it pressing against you? - Just stop.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
- Ola? - Ola.
- - Nothing.
- Nothing.
No.
- Chilling.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you digging drug tunnel? No, no, no, no.
No.
Yes.
We kind of are.
W-We are.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, are you doing that, too, or? Yes, I guess the earthquake opened up the gap between our two tunnels.
They're side by side.
Is yours a sexy ladies digger tunnel? No.
I'm not digging.
I'm catering.
You have catering? SÃ.
SÃ.
Vamos.
I'm Roberto.
You have sushi? ["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
WOMAN: No substantial property damage reported after the earthquake.
All units be advised that Operation Prairie Dog is now a joint operation with the DEA.
Special Agent Bonnie Lehmann is on site tonight supervising the transition.
This is different, isn't it? Yeah, so, nobody actually went into the whys and wherefores of your being here tonight.
Um Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So given that's the case, what are we looking for, specifically, here? Oh, we're not looking for anything.
Okay? I'm looking for something.
And I'm not gonna tell you what that is, all right? - Okay.
- Okay? We clear? Oh, we're so clear.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Let's get out eyes on the road.
- Yeah.
Focus back in the game.
Back in the game.
If you give me a hint as to what the game is, I could be more focused on that game.
Do you know what I mean? Like I'm not gonna be able to help you out with that.
No.
Totally.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
No.
I get it, you know.
You can't tell me.
No, I could tell you, but I don't want to.
Okay.
No, I get it, you you know.
- But I could help you out.
- 25 years of this.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Right.
Right.
- Never met one like you.
- No.
- Okay.
So - Okay.
I mean, I could just tell you the little stuff.
You know, just the little, run-of-the-mill stuff.
You know, like, where the bathroom is or whatever.
You know, that's So where's the bathroom? Oh, no.
A-Actually, that was a stupid thing to say 'cause there's there's actually no bathroom here.
We just We pee in bottles, and I'm sorry, that's gross.
Isn't it? Sorry.
Yeah, that's what we do.
[CHUCKLES.]
And you think I've never peed in a bottle before? Um I don't know what the answer to that is.
But you're thinking about it, aren't you? - No, no, no.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
You're thinking about "How does she piss in a bottle without a dick?" [EXHALES.]
No.
You think I need a dick to do what you do? - You - You think I need a dick? No, no.
You do not need it, and I celebrate that.
I think that's wonderful.
"How does she do it?" - Yeah.
- Hmm? That's what you're thinking.
- I'm trying not to.
- "How does she do it?" Right.
What do you think, I push the seat all the way back, then scoot my ass up to the front, grab a big old jug, put it right next to my big old puss, spread those knees, arch her back just right, and [STRAINING.]
: there it goes, there it goes.
Oh.
[HISSES.]
[EXHALES.]
It's like flicking a diamond off the Grand Canyon and landing it in a pot of gold.
[EXHALES.]
Does that make you uncomfortable? - Me? No.
- Yeah.
But if Tolbeck were here, he would probably be uncomfortable.
Oh, you love to talk about Tolbeck, don't you? I mean, he's-he's-he's going through a hard time, you know? - Is he? - A little bit.
'Cause, uh, there was a shooting incident the other night.
- I don't know if you heard about that.
- Yeah, we all heard about it.
- Right.
Yeah.
- [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, well, he's in therapy right now.
You guys a couple of bike bumps? I'm not sure what that is.
A two-for-one Space Mountain voucher? - No, I don't think so.
- A terracotta pot fountain, with a with an oscillating head? Hmm? Spinning right round.
- Right round.
Right round.
- Right.
- Right round.
I mean, - Right round.
the metaphors are a little obtuse, but I-I think you're asking "are we gay with each other?" - Homosexual? - Yes.
That's what I'm asking you.
No, we're not.
We'll see.
TOLBECK: Wow, I've, uh I've never done anything - like this before.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Uh - Oh, it's okay.
It's pretty easy.
I don't bite.
You're just gonna sit here and tell me everything you know about the night of the shooting, just, in your own words.
All right.
Sounds good.
Um, is it okay if I make myself more comfortable? Oh, sure.
Go ahead.
Great.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This feels good.
This feels better.
- I think we're all set.
- Okay.
Okay.
So, um, just - It's real easy, like I said.
- Mm-hmm.
You're just gonna tell me the events of the night.
- You know.
- Okay.
It's little details I find, uh, helpful as well.
So, I guess you want to know about the shooting.
[GUN SOUNDS.]
Well, uh, I guess I should talk about what happened during the day, um, 'cause it was, uh it wasn't a good day for me.
I-I was pretty upset.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Let me back up for a second.
I got into kind of a difficult discussion with my wife Lisa.
And, uh, Kyle was there, - so you know how that goes.
- Oh.
Is that Kyle, your son, or? - Uh, no.
Let me I should back up again.
- Oh.
Kyle is a gentleman that is living with me and my wife.
And also, he's having sex with her.
So, um, yeah.
Uh, we're in an open marriage.
[CHUCKLES.]
And so, that's great.
Um, I really like it.
It's really good for me and her.
And, um You know, it's good for me because I could have sex with anybody at any time.
Uh, if you could just go ahead and fast-forward to the events of the night of the shooting.
Okay, yes.
The shooting.
[GUN NOISES.]
So, Lisa was saying that maybe the open marriage could reinvigorate her.
- Sure.
- So, I thought I'd give it a try.
Oh, and I'm fine with it.
I'm fine.
I'm totally fine with it.
Okay, so you're fine.
No, I'm not fine.
You're right, I'm deflecting.
I don't like having another rooster in the henhouse.
You know, I've never even talked about this with Cullen, my partner.
I'm trying to put on this brave face of, like, "Oh, I like being in an open marriage.
" But I don't like it.
I'm gonna admit it.
I do not like it.
And then, last week, you know, he asked me to pick him up from the airport.
Kyle.
And I'm like, "Me pick you up?" And so, we're in the car, driving from the airport, and he's just, like, stretching, and trying to get ready, like he's trying to get ready for some kind of athletic competition.
But I know what he's getting ready for.
I mean, man.
How do I look to other people? I mean, I've told you everything.
Wha how do you see me? Do you see me as somebody that you would even date? Well, I mean, maybe not me, but I have a cousin who's got a wild streak.
Yeah, well I'd like to meet your cousin.
'Cause I can't meet anybody.
This open marriage thing isn't working for me.
It's working for her quite well.
Could I just hear more about just the shooting part? Everything that S-Starting with the shooting, and ending Oh, sure.
You want to talk about the shooting? I can tell you about that.
[SIGHS.]
So, it all you know, did I tell you that Kyle is building a yurt? Right.
Gosh, I'm telling you.
I could, I could get used to this.
You know? What? The gangster life.
Yeah, I get it.
You get it? You get the gangster life now? So, when do I make my bones? Hmm? What are you talking about? "Make your bones"? When do I pop my cherry? Come on.
God, I-I understand about five percent of what you say.
Kill a guy.
When do I get to kill a guy? You want to kill a guy? I'm ready.
I've said nothing to you about killing a guy.
Okay, well, you-you-you get my gist.
I don't know, I Why didn't you just say "kill a guy" rather than "pop my cherry"? I saw a Frontline.
I watch a lot of Frontline.
That's not doing anything to your hair, Adrian.
There's so much gel and hairspray in there.
It's not even you're not even, you're hardly even touching your hair.
Do you want this? I'm wearing a hat.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
: G'day, sheilas.
Hey, heads up, there's a bloody great croc in that billabong over there.
- Yo, uh, what is that? - What is that? - What is that? - It's my accent.
- Accent? - Yeah.
- Where, from where? - Australian.
Australian accent? Oh.
Oh, that Yeah.
I'm doing this, uh, play.
It's at this amateur theater.
You're in a play? Yeah.
Croc Man.
It's the story of Steve Irwin.
Let me hear the accent again.
G'day, sheilas.
Heads up, there's a bloody big croc - in the billabong over there.
- No, no, no.
No.
You're way off.
That's not how you do it.
Listen to how I do it.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
: There's a bloody big croc over there in that billabong over there.
- That was pretty good.
- Let's hear yours again.
There's a bloody big croc over there.
There's a bloody big croc over there.
Bloody big croc over there.
There's a bloody big croc over there.
A pretty big croc over there.
- Bloody big croc over there.
- Yeah, Australian.
Tony, you're not even You're not listening to me, okay? - There's a bloody big croc over there.
- I'm trying to help you.
- Okay.
- Just listen to what I'm doing.
- Sure, okay.
Okay.
- You're getting a free lesson here, okay? There's a bloody big croc over there.
Bloody there's a bloody big croc over there.
- It's really all over the place.
- Really? I don't know.
Yeah, I could hear it more I actually can - hear it more there.
- [STAMMERS.]
Really? JANICE: Yeah.
Cro-oc.
- Croc.
- Cro-oc.
- Croc.
- Cro-oc.
- Croc.
- Jesus Christ.
Well, I-I have a big speech in the second half.
- JANICE: Mm.
- I could do that.
Yeesh.
- Yeah? - JANICE: Yeah, let's hear it.
Okay.
G'day, Steve.
Mate, I've known you since you're a kid.
You're a bloody dreamer.
I love you, Steve, but there's no way in the world you're gonna get this zoo across the line.
I mean, the banks will never give us money.
This is the country we live in.
You and me, we're never gonna get there.
You got Buckley's.
Give up.
Boy, that was horrible.
You can't be taught.
FATIMA: Yikes.
[SHARPLY INHALES, EXHALES.]
- FATIMA: Good luck.
- Sorry.
JANICE [GROANS.]
: Stinky.
Poor guy.
Ooh! Pee-ew.
Ay.
Wow.
- Ay, my leg.
- Oh.
[GROANS.]
Oh.
[MUMBLES.]
- Oh, God.
- Wow.
I'm so sore.
That was impressive.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, you mean that? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
Ay, you guess so? The soft lighting, the rail system, the Wi-Fi.
They had Wi-Fi.
No, yeah, that was pretty that part was pretty cool, yeah.
It looks like they're down a man, too.
You mean that poor cabrón that was all crushed up? - Yeah.
- What a way to die, huh? That sucks for him.
- Yeah, he died very horribly.
- Yeah.
I'm applying for that position.
Y-You-You'd leave this tunnel? You-you love this tunnel Yeah.
I-I did.
But that's a super drug tunnel.
This is a drug tunnel.
That's the big show.
It's perfect for my narrative of a stand-up comedian digging his way [LAUGHING.]
: through a super tunnel to America.
I don't understand what the difference is, though, between us and them.
I can say, "Oh, I came here through a drug tunnel.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Or I can say, "I came here "through a super drug tunnel, the one that was on CNN with the pictures and the videos.
" Do you know how many tunnels run under here? No.
No idea.
- Like, a lot.
- A lot? This is the golden age of tunnels.
That's a big-time tunnel.
Everybody knows that tunnel.
Ours is like a a fringe tunnel.
I-I don't know, though, Roberto.
Did you take a look at those digger guys over there? Cabrón, they were jacked.
You know, like huge.
I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican in that good of shape.
Yeah, they were all like me.
Uh, like you, sÃ, certainly, certainly as big.
You're as big as them.
- Yes.
- Yes.
And strong.
I would say you're, like, strong in your own special way.
Like what? Yeah, like, those guys are more like, you know, very attractive, a beach body sort of strong, you know? You're more like, uh Carnaval.
¿Cómo se dice? Is a carnival.
Like a carnival strong.
There you go.
- You are a carnival - Carnival strong? It's fat strong? Oh, fat strong.
Fuck you.
It's time to do the carnival thing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Body shamed underground.
I don't need this.
That's why I'm leaving.
Okay? If we were in the super tunnel, I would report you because they have people for that there.
I guess I just think, you know, y-you being here tonight, you know, from DEA, maybe that's a good sign for me in terms of the case.
Maybe the case is heating up a little bit here.
And I understand you, you have confidential, uh, whatever, but, you know, if you could just give me a little scrap, that'd be great.
Yeah, we're all kind of in the dark on this one.
I will not tell a soul.
You have my word.
I won't tell anyone.
Wow, sugar.
You got some balls on you.
Well I'm ambitious.
You ticklish? No, I said I'm ambitious.
And I said, "You ticklish?" Are-are-are okay.
So, you're saying that if you, if I allow you to tickle me, uh, y-you'll give me information about the case? That's right.
You give me a little something, - I'll give you a little something.
- [SIGHS.]
But I need to know that you want it.
Well, I mean, that depends.
Is-is-is it a-a s-s-sexual thing? Not for me.
Right.
But for me? - I don't know.
- Huh.
Right.
But it's just over the clothes, no skin tickling? - You know, you got a lot of questions.
- Yeah.
You're kind of taking the fun out of this.
No, no.
No, no, no, I-I want to do it, I'm interested If you want the intel, you get the tickles.
- Right, and I want I'd like - You want the tickles? - Yeah, I do.
- Let me hear you say it.
- "I want the tickles.
" - I want the tickles.
- "I want the tickles.
" - I want the tickles.
- Could you mean it? - I want you Could you put a little something into it? - I want you to tickle me now.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
- Like this? - Yeah.
- And one right there.
- Yeah.
- You want one right there? - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
- Right there? How about there? - [LAUGHS LIGHTLY.]
Yeah.
- Does that tickle? Does that tickle? - Right there.
You like you take - [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY.]
[STRAINED LAUGHTER.]
You know what, you're not even having any fun here.
No, I'm not.
- I'm-I'm not actually that ticklish.
- Everybody's ticklish.
- I don't think I am.
- Maybe you just don't know where to be tickled yet.
And maybe we find out together.
[SCOFFS, LAUGHS.]
Wow.
Okay.
All right.
- Now I'm getting it.
Yes.
- What? Oh, my goodness.
Your mom she's dynamite.
She's a dynamite lady.
Now I've, I'm fig I've figured out what she's got us doing here.
What? What has she got us doing here? Well, you know, telling you that I need work, and telling me that you need help.
She just wants us to hang out.
Yeah.
Her two favorite boys.
Spend some time together.
'Cause let's face it you haven't had any great father figures.
You realize my mom's been married six times? - No.
- Previously.
Six.
I had counted four.
- Six.
I've had six stepdads before you.
- Six? - Well, they were all deadbeats, so - No.
Not Mr.
Yoshimoto.
Yoshimoto.
Yes.
Chinese dude.
- Yeah.
Heard about him.
- No, he's a Japanese dude.
What was so great about Yoshimoto? I mean, you probably wouldn't understand.
Hit me.
Just try me.
- He taught me honor, respect - Mm-hmm.
dedication, everything.
- Sounds pretty special.
- Yeah.
Like this one time, I remember him saying, coming in, out of nowhere Right.
I had actually already eaten a pretty big breakfast, and he said, - "Relax.
" - Yeah.
"I'll make you a sandwich.
" But he never brought me the sandwich.
I waited for a good three hours.
It wasn't about the sandwich.
I didn't need a sandwich.
I thought I did, but he showed me that I didn't.
- Are you - What? Are you still craving the sandwich? 'Cause I will make you the sandwich.
I won't leave you high and dry like Yoshimoto.
You're missing the entire point of this story.
- I'm trying - But you know that I will make you a sandwich at the drop of a hat.
And that's a promise.
And you know what Do you want to know the other, the other lesson that he taught me, Adrian? Silence.
He didn't speak to me for an entire month.
Maybe he was just afraid to talk to you.
I'm not afraid to talk.
He didn't speak English very well, but there was a lesson in the silence.
- 'Cause I will - He wanted me to sit I will talk with you whenever you want to have a conversation.
I know that.
I know that.
You can call me at 4:00 in the morning, I pick up the phone.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, speaking of Chinese, I was watching this movie Japanese.
this martial arts movie called Fist Assassin.
And it dawned on me that they've taken out all the "hi-yah" from the film.
I mean, used to think about whenever you'd watch a martial arts film, right, any time there was a kick or a punch or a roundhouse, there was it was always followed by a "hi-yah.
" - [SIGHS.]
- And now it's gone, and I can't for the life of me figure out why they phased it out.
Maybe it's coming off racist.
Hi-yah! ERIN: So the suspect pulled what appeared to be a gun.
You shot him in the ear, and he ran, is that right? - That's exactly what happened.
- Okay.
I have everything I need.
I'll just fill out a report.
Okay.
Wow, this was really great, I got to tell you.
Thank you so much.
I mean, I really got to do this more often.
Hey, um, can I get a hug? Uh, okay.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
All right.
- Thank you.
A-And look, i-if you - if you don't mind my suggesting - Mm-hmm.
you might want to consider maybe just, you know, seeing a therapist.
Just because, uh, there's a lot of great ones.
You could probably get a referral from someone in the department.
I'm sorry, but isn't that what you are? Uh, no.
Then who are you? - I Who am I? - Yes.
I-I'm Erin Sanders.
I, I'm in Internal Affairs.
I'm here to take your statement and fill a report of your account of the shooting.
No, wait a second.
I already talked to IA.
Yeah, Leon and I.
We went deep sea fishing together.
You went deep sea fishing? - Yeah.
- Wow.
He asked everybody.
You went? - [SIGHS.]
- That's amaz no.
He well, he quit, he didn't really Let's just say he didn't fill out many reports.
Okay, look, this is not cool, okay.
This is an invasion of privacy.
Do you understand? Okay, I guess that's my fault.
I mean, why would you think I was a counselor, though? Because everything about this scenario screams "counselor.
" Look at the furniture and the couch, and, you know, the way you dress, the way you talk to me.
- What? - Your-your hair.
What's wrong with my hair? Your hair is in, like, a counselor bun-type style.
You know, it's up and messy.
Why did you lay me on the couch, then? You laid yourself on the couch.
I mean, that was the first thing you did when you came in here.
What was I gonna do, say no? This is not right, you understand? Yeah.
I told you about when I was attracted to my sister when I was 13.
Do you think this was a party for me? You think I'm having a real good time over here? This was truly one of the most awkward hours of my entire life.
Which I think I handled pretty well pretty well.
Uh, you must think that I'm a total nutjob.
I don't think you're a nutjob, okay.
You know, if pressed, I might say, "Hey, he's pretty in touch with his feelings.
That's refreshing.
" Okay? So do you want to have dinner? Fuck n-no.
- Fuck no? - I meant I meant Sorry, I just meant to say no.
Fine, well, thank you very much.
Oh, and I don't want any of that getting out.
If I can get an attorney, you will be hearing from him.
- So, seriously, you're not hungry? - Definitely, definitely not.
Like, I'd rather die.
MAN: Have you heard from Special Agent Lehmann? MAN 2: Not tonight.
But she thinks this could be the exit point.
MAN 1: Okay, we'll give it some more time.
She's got her own methods.
MAN 2: Copy that.
So, is this happening? Is what happening? - Don't be playing around, baby.
- No, no You've been giving me signs all night long.
Oh.
Wow.
I didn't mean to give off signs.
It's been a long time for mama.
And I'm hungry.
Let's eat.
I have a girlfriend.
- You have a girlfriend? - Yeah.
I'm so sorry, I should've said something earlier.
She's - Okay.
- She's-she's in dispatch, actually.
Oh, she's in dispatch.
Yeah.
Janice? No, Fatima.
Uh, she's new.
- She's younger than - Younger? - Mm.
- Nice, you gonna marry that bitch? I mean, we've only had one date so far.
One date? One date, - and you already call her your girlfriend? - Well You texting? - Sexting? - Mm - Dick pics? - Uh I mean, has she sent you her tits? No, no, not as of yet.
No, no.
Sugar, I hate to tell you, but that's a bad sign.
Well, I respectfully disagree.
I think, you know, as a detective, it's my specialty reading signs, and these signs, to me, say this is we're in phase two, you know.
We're-we're working it, we're-we're, you know, vibing.
We're on a frequency here.
We're this is all part of the dance.
- It's part of the dance.
- Mm-hmm.
But she's in dispatch? - Yeah, that's right.
- Okay.
No-no-no-no, no-no-no, no-no, no, no - FATIMA: Car 27 Car 27.
- Get your hands off.
Hey! Hey.
Hi.
Uh, Car 27.
Is Fatima on the line? Fatima here.
Go ahead, Car 27.
Hey, Fatima, could you switch over to channel three, please? Copy that, switching to three.
Hey, Fatima, this is Special Agent Bonnie Lehmann here.
Look, Cullen's out of the car.
Just have a quick question for you.
It's a little bit embarrassing, but, um, man, we have been vibing all night and, um, he did mention that the two of you have dated.
And I was just curious, is-is it serious? I mean, are you boyfriend-girlfriend? Any of that? Oh, my God, no.
I have zero interest in him at all times.
Okay.
I mean, you're not just playing coy, are you? Making him chase you.
Doing the What do they call it? Doing the dance? You're not doing the dance, are you, Fatima? Full disclosure: I went on a date with him, and it was a nightmare, to say the least.
Kind of a nightmare.
I just wanted to be up front with you.
It was a little creepy.
Okay.
I'm going for it.
Car 27 out.
You're a detective, right? What did you detect from that? I, uh, detected, uh I detected, uh He has to come back.
They all come back.
I'll be right here.
I couldn't find quiet I went out in the rain I was just soakin' my head Oye, cabrón.
So-so how-how-how'd it go in there? - I got the job.
- So, when, when do they want you to start? Pretty much right now.
Oh, man.
So I guess this is it, huh? I guess so.
Oye.
Come on.
[PATTING BACK.]
Good hey.
Oh oh, you're scared, huh? - You're scared.
- Yeah.
You felt that? [SIGHS.]
Well, you have nothing to be worried about.
You're Roberto, cabrón, you're You're gonna you're gonna really kill it in there.
They're lucky to have you.
They're lucky to have you.
Thank you.
Bye.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yo, visit anytime, you know.
I'll I'll be here.
So fast, that's right Am I the one you think about When you're sittin' in your faintin' chair Drinkin' pink rabbits? Am I the one you think about When you're sittin' in your faintin' chair Drinkin' pink rabbits? And everybody was gone I was standin' in the street 'Cause I was tryin' not to crack I was solid gold I was in the fight I was comin' back from what seemed like a ruin I couldn't see you comin' so far I just turn around, and there you are Iâm so surprised you want to dance with me.
San Diegans are picking up the pieces today after a 6.
2 earthquake overnight.
Reports of property damage and some loss of life.
Officials say the epicenter of the quake was approximately 25 miles east of the city [COUGHING.]
[COUGHS.]
No.
Ayuda.
[GRUNTS.]
Are you not hurt at all? No, I'm okay.
[GRUNTS.]
Hijo de tu madre.
Ãrale.
Sorry about the You know.
It's a fear thing.
It happens whenever I'm scared.
You know, like scary movies.
Surprise parties.
Boo! You know? Boing.
[SIGHS.]
What is it? What what is it? What are you talking about? Look, you know, we're adults here, okay? My hard penis was dug in into your leg.
It's done.
Mmm.
No, I didn't feel that.
Nothing.
No.
Don't worry about it.
Look, I got scared.
It got hard.
My penis dug into your leg.
It's not about you, okay? Don't get weird about this.
Bro, calm down.
I would've told you if I felt it.
Did you feel the earthquake, at least? Yeah, yeah.
No, that I was there.
There's no way you didn't feel it, all right? - You didn't feel this? - Okay.
What are you doing? - You didn't feel this? Huh? - Okay.
Why are you? - With it pressing against you? - Just stop.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
- Ola? - Ola.
- - Nothing.
- Nothing.
No.
- Chilling.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you digging drug tunnel? No, no, no, no.
No.
Yes.
We kind of are.
W-We are.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, are you doing that, too, or? Yes, I guess the earthquake opened up the gap between our two tunnels.
They're side by side.
Is yours a sexy ladies digger tunnel? No.
I'm not digging.
I'm catering.
You have catering? SÃ.
SÃ.
Vamos.
I'm Roberto.
You have sushi? ["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
WOMAN: No substantial property damage reported after the earthquake.
All units be advised that Operation Prairie Dog is now a joint operation with the DEA.
Special Agent Bonnie Lehmann is on site tonight supervising the transition.
This is different, isn't it? Yeah, so, nobody actually went into the whys and wherefores of your being here tonight.
Um Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So given that's the case, what are we looking for, specifically, here? Oh, we're not looking for anything.
Okay? I'm looking for something.
And I'm not gonna tell you what that is, all right? - Okay.
- Okay? We clear? Oh, we're so clear.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Let's get out eyes on the road.
- Yeah.
Focus back in the game.
Back in the game.
If you give me a hint as to what the game is, I could be more focused on that game.
Do you know what I mean? Like I'm not gonna be able to help you out with that.
No.
Totally.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
No.
I get it, you know.
You can't tell me.
No, I could tell you, but I don't want to.
Okay.
No, I get it, you you know.
- But I could help you out.
- 25 years of this.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Right.
Right.
- Never met one like you.
- No.
- Okay.
So - Okay.
I mean, I could just tell you the little stuff.
You know, just the little, run-of-the-mill stuff.
You know, like, where the bathroom is or whatever.
You know, that's So where's the bathroom? Oh, no.
A-Actually, that was a stupid thing to say 'cause there's there's actually no bathroom here.
We just We pee in bottles, and I'm sorry, that's gross.
Isn't it? Sorry.
Yeah, that's what we do.
[CHUCKLES.]
And you think I've never peed in a bottle before? Um I don't know what the answer to that is.
But you're thinking about it, aren't you? - No, no, no.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
You're thinking about "How does she piss in a bottle without a dick?" [EXHALES.]
No.
You think I need a dick to do what you do? - You - You think I need a dick? No, no.
You do not need it, and I celebrate that.
I think that's wonderful.
"How does she do it?" - Yeah.
- Hmm? That's what you're thinking.
- I'm trying not to.
- "How does she do it?" Right.
What do you think, I push the seat all the way back, then scoot my ass up to the front, grab a big old jug, put it right next to my big old puss, spread those knees, arch her back just right, and [STRAINING.]
: there it goes, there it goes.
Oh.
[HISSES.]
[EXHALES.]
It's like flicking a diamond off the Grand Canyon and landing it in a pot of gold.
[EXHALES.]
Does that make you uncomfortable? - Me? No.
- Yeah.
But if Tolbeck were here, he would probably be uncomfortable.
Oh, you love to talk about Tolbeck, don't you? I mean, he's-he's-he's going through a hard time, you know? - Is he? - A little bit.
'Cause, uh, there was a shooting incident the other night.
- I don't know if you heard about that.
- Yeah, we all heard about it.
- Right.
Yeah.
- [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, well, he's in therapy right now.
You guys a couple of bike bumps? I'm not sure what that is.
A two-for-one Space Mountain voucher? - No, I don't think so.
- A terracotta pot fountain, with a with an oscillating head? Hmm? Spinning right round.
- Right round.
Right round.
- Right.
- Right round.
I mean, - Right round.
the metaphors are a little obtuse, but I-I think you're asking "are we gay with each other?" - Homosexual? - Yes.
That's what I'm asking you.
No, we're not.
We'll see.
TOLBECK: Wow, I've, uh I've never done anything - like this before.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Uh - Oh, it's okay.
It's pretty easy.
I don't bite.
You're just gonna sit here and tell me everything you know about the night of the shooting, just, in your own words.
All right.
Sounds good.
Um, is it okay if I make myself more comfortable? Oh, sure.
Go ahead.
Great.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This feels good.
This feels better.
- I think we're all set.
- Okay.
Okay.
So, um, just - It's real easy, like I said.
- Mm-hmm.
You're just gonna tell me the events of the night.
- You know.
- Okay.
It's little details I find, uh, helpful as well.
So, I guess you want to know about the shooting.
[GUN SOUNDS.]
Well, uh, I guess I should talk about what happened during the day, um, 'cause it was, uh it wasn't a good day for me.
I-I was pretty upset.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Let me back up for a second.
I got into kind of a difficult discussion with my wife Lisa.
And, uh, Kyle was there, - so you know how that goes.
- Oh.
Is that Kyle, your son, or? - Uh, no.
Let me I should back up again.
- Oh.
Kyle is a gentleman that is living with me and my wife.
And also, he's having sex with her.
So, um, yeah.
Uh, we're in an open marriage.
[CHUCKLES.]
And so, that's great.
Um, I really like it.
It's really good for me and her.
And, um You know, it's good for me because I could have sex with anybody at any time.
Uh, if you could just go ahead and fast-forward to the events of the night of the shooting.
Okay, yes.
The shooting.
[GUN NOISES.]
So, Lisa was saying that maybe the open marriage could reinvigorate her.
- Sure.
- So, I thought I'd give it a try.
Oh, and I'm fine with it.
I'm fine.
I'm totally fine with it.
Okay, so you're fine.
No, I'm not fine.
You're right, I'm deflecting.
I don't like having another rooster in the henhouse.
You know, I've never even talked about this with Cullen, my partner.
I'm trying to put on this brave face of, like, "Oh, I like being in an open marriage.
" But I don't like it.
I'm gonna admit it.
I do not like it.
And then, last week, you know, he asked me to pick him up from the airport.
Kyle.
And I'm like, "Me pick you up?" And so, we're in the car, driving from the airport, and he's just, like, stretching, and trying to get ready, like he's trying to get ready for some kind of athletic competition.
But I know what he's getting ready for.
I mean, man.
How do I look to other people? I mean, I've told you everything.
Wha how do you see me? Do you see me as somebody that you would even date? Well, I mean, maybe not me, but I have a cousin who's got a wild streak.
Yeah, well I'd like to meet your cousin.
'Cause I can't meet anybody.
This open marriage thing isn't working for me.
It's working for her quite well.
Could I just hear more about just the shooting part? Everything that S-Starting with the shooting, and ending Oh, sure.
You want to talk about the shooting? I can tell you about that.
[SIGHS.]
So, it all you know, did I tell you that Kyle is building a yurt? Right.
Gosh, I'm telling you.
I could, I could get used to this.
You know? What? The gangster life.
Yeah, I get it.
You get it? You get the gangster life now? So, when do I make my bones? Hmm? What are you talking about? "Make your bones"? When do I pop my cherry? Come on.
God, I-I understand about five percent of what you say.
Kill a guy.
When do I get to kill a guy? You want to kill a guy? I'm ready.
I've said nothing to you about killing a guy.
Okay, well, you-you-you get my gist.
I don't know, I Why didn't you just say "kill a guy" rather than "pop my cherry"? I saw a Frontline.
I watch a lot of Frontline.
That's not doing anything to your hair, Adrian.
There's so much gel and hairspray in there.
It's not even you're not even, you're hardly even touching your hair.
Do you want this? I'm wearing a hat.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
: G'day, sheilas.
Hey, heads up, there's a bloody great croc in that billabong over there.
- Yo, uh, what is that? - What is that? - What is that? - It's my accent.
- Accent? - Yeah.
- Where, from where? - Australian.
Australian accent? Oh.
Oh, that Yeah.
I'm doing this, uh, play.
It's at this amateur theater.
You're in a play? Yeah.
Croc Man.
It's the story of Steve Irwin.
Let me hear the accent again.
G'day, sheilas.
Heads up, there's a bloody big croc - in the billabong over there.
- No, no, no.
No.
You're way off.
That's not how you do it.
Listen to how I do it.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
: There's a bloody big croc over there in that billabong over there.
- That was pretty good.
- Let's hear yours again.
There's a bloody big croc over there.
There's a bloody big croc over there.
Bloody big croc over there.
There's a bloody big croc over there.
A pretty big croc over there.
- Bloody big croc over there.
- Yeah, Australian.
Tony, you're not even You're not listening to me, okay? - There's a bloody big croc over there.
- I'm trying to help you.
- Okay.
- Just listen to what I'm doing.
- Sure, okay.
Okay.
- You're getting a free lesson here, okay? There's a bloody big croc over there.
Bloody there's a bloody big croc over there.
- It's really all over the place.
- Really? I don't know.
Yeah, I could hear it more I actually can - hear it more there.
- [STAMMERS.]
Really? JANICE: Yeah.
Cro-oc.
- Croc.
- Cro-oc.
- Croc.
- Cro-oc.
- Croc.
- Jesus Christ.
Well, I-I have a big speech in the second half.
- JANICE: Mm.
- I could do that.
Yeesh.
- Yeah? - JANICE: Yeah, let's hear it.
Okay.
G'day, Steve.
Mate, I've known you since you're a kid.
You're a bloody dreamer.
I love you, Steve, but there's no way in the world you're gonna get this zoo across the line.
I mean, the banks will never give us money.
This is the country we live in.
You and me, we're never gonna get there.
You got Buckley's.
Give up.
Boy, that was horrible.
You can't be taught.
FATIMA: Yikes.
[SHARPLY INHALES, EXHALES.]
- FATIMA: Good luck.
- Sorry.
JANICE [GROANS.]
: Stinky.
Poor guy.
Ooh! Pee-ew.
Ay.
Wow.
- Ay, my leg.
- Oh.
[GROANS.]
Oh.
[MUMBLES.]
- Oh, God.
- Wow.
I'm so sore.
That was impressive.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, you mean that? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
Ay, you guess so? The soft lighting, the rail system, the Wi-Fi.
They had Wi-Fi.
No, yeah, that was pretty that part was pretty cool, yeah.
It looks like they're down a man, too.
You mean that poor cabrón that was all crushed up? - Yeah.
- What a way to die, huh? That sucks for him.
- Yeah, he died very horribly.
- Yeah.
I'm applying for that position.
Y-You-You'd leave this tunnel? You-you love this tunnel Yeah.
I-I did.
But that's a super drug tunnel.
This is a drug tunnel.
That's the big show.
It's perfect for my narrative of a stand-up comedian digging his way [LAUGHING.]
: through a super tunnel to America.
I don't understand what the difference is, though, between us and them.
I can say, "Oh, I came here through a drug tunnel.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Or I can say, "I came here "through a super drug tunnel, the one that was on CNN with the pictures and the videos.
" Do you know how many tunnels run under here? No.
No idea.
- Like, a lot.
- A lot? This is the golden age of tunnels.
That's a big-time tunnel.
Everybody knows that tunnel.
Ours is like a a fringe tunnel.
I-I don't know, though, Roberto.
Did you take a look at those digger guys over there? Cabrón, they were jacked.
You know, like huge.
I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican in that good of shape.
Yeah, they were all like me.
Uh, like you, sÃ, certainly, certainly as big.
You're as big as them.
- Yes.
- Yes.
And strong.
I would say you're, like, strong in your own special way.
Like what? Yeah, like, those guys are more like, you know, very attractive, a beach body sort of strong, you know? You're more like, uh Carnaval.
¿Cómo se dice? Is a carnival.
Like a carnival strong.
There you go.
- You are a carnival - Carnival strong? It's fat strong? Oh, fat strong.
Fuck you.
It's time to do the carnival thing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Body shamed underground.
I don't need this.
That's why I'm leaving.
Okay? If we were in the super tunnel, I would report you because they have people for that there.
I guess I just think, you know, y-you being here tonight, you know, from DEA, maybe that's a good sign for me in terms of the case.
Maybe the case is heating up a little bit here.
And I understand you, you have confidential, uh, whatever, but, you know, if you could just give me a little scrap, that'd be great.
Yeah, we're all kind of in the dark on this one.
I will not tell a soul.
You have my word.
I won't tell anyone.
Wow, sugar.
You got some balls on you.
Well I'm ambitious.
You ticklish? No, I said I'm ambitious.
And I said, "You ticklish?" Are-are-are okay.
So, you're saying that if you, if I allow you to tickle me, uh, y-you'll give me information about the case? That's right.
You give me a little something, - I'll give you a little something.
- [SIGHS.]
But I need to know that you want it.
Well, I mean, that depends.
Is-is-is it a-a s-s-sexual thing? Not for me.
Right.
But for me? - I don't know.
- Huh.
Right.
But it's just over the clothes, no skin tickling? - You know, you got a lot of questions.
- Yeah.
You're kind of taking the fun out of this.
No, no.
No, no, no, I-I want to do it, I'm interested If you want the intel, you get the tickles.
- Right, and I want I'd like - You want the tickles? - Yeah, I do.
- Let me hear you say it.
- "I want the tickles.
" - I want the tickles.
- "I want the tickles.
" - I want the tickles.
- Could you mean it? - I want you Could you put a little something into it? - I want you to tickle me now.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
- Like this? - Yeah.
- And one right there.
- Yeah.
- You want one right there? - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
- Right there? How about there? - [LAUGHS LIGHTLY.]
Yeah.
- Does that tickle? Does that tickle? - Right there.
You like you take - [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY.]
[STRAINED LAUGHTER.]
You know what, you're not even having any fun here.
No, I'm not.
- I'm-I'm not actually that ticklish.
- Everybody's ticklish.
- I don't think I am.
- Maybe you just don't know where to be tickled yet.
And maybe we find out together.
[SCOFFS, LAUGHS.]
Wow.
Okay.
All right.
- Now I'm getting it.
Yes.
- What? Oh, my goodness.
Your mom she's dynamite.
She's a dynamite lady.
Now I've, I'm fig I've figured out what she's got us doing here.
What? What has she got us doing here? Well, you know, telling you that I need work, and telling me that you need help.
She just wants us to hang out.
Yeah.
Her two favorite boys.
Spend some time together.
'Cause let's face it you haven't had any great father figures.
You realize my mom's been married six times? - No.
- Previously.
Six.
I had counted four.
- Six.
I've had six stepdads before you.
- Six? - Well, they were all deadbeats, so - No.
Not Mr.
Yoshimoto.
Yoshimoto.
Yes.
Chinese dude.
- Yeah.
Heard about him.
- No, he's a Japanese dude.
What was so great about Yoshimoto? I mean, you probably wouldn't understand.
Hit me.
Just try me.
- He taught me honor, respect - Mm-hmm.
dedication, everything.
- Sounds pretty special.
- Yeah.
Like this one time, I remember him saying, coming in, out of nowhere Right.
I had actually already eaten a pretty big breakfast, and he said, - "Relax.
" - Yeah.
"I'll make you a sandwich.
" But he never brought me the sandwich.
I waited for a good three hours.
It wasn't about the sandwich.
I didn't need a sandwich.
I thought I did, but he showed me that I didn't.
- Are you - What? Are you still craving the sandwich? 'Cause I will make you the sandwich.
I won't leave you high and dry like Yoshimoto.
You're missing the entire point of this story.
- I'm trying - But you know that I will make you a sandwich at the drop of a hat.
And that's a promise.
And you know what Do you want to know the other, the other lesson that he taught me, Adrian? Silence.
He didn't speak to me for an entire month.
Maybe he was just afraid to talk to you.
I'm not afraid to talk.
He didn't speak English very well, but there was a lesson in the silence.
- 'Cause I will - He wanted me to sit I will talk with you whenever you want to have a conversation.
I know that.
I know that.
You can call me at 4:00 in the morning, I pick up the phone.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, speaking of Chinese, I was watching this movie Japanese.
this martial arts movie called Fist Assassin.
And it dawned on me that they've taken out all the "hi-yah" from the film.
I mean, used to think about whenever you'd watch a martial arts film, right, any time there was a kick or a punch or a roundhouse, there was it was always followed by a "hi-yah.
" - [SIGHS.]
- And now it's gone, and I can't for the life of me figure out why they phased it out.
Maybe it's coming off racist.
Hi-yah! ERIN: So the suspect pulled what appeared to be a gun.
You shot him in the ear, and he ran, is that right? - That's exactly what happened.
- Okay.
I have everything I need.
I'll just fill out a report.
Okay.
Wow, this was really great, I got to tell you.
Thank you so much.
I mean, I really got to do this more often.
Hey, um, can I get a hug? Uh, okay.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
All right.
- Thank you.
A-And look, i-if you - if you don't mind my suggesting - Mm-hmm.
you might want to consider maybe just, you know, seeing a therapist.
Just because, uh, there's a lot of great ones.
You could probably get a referral from someone in the department.
I'm sorry, but isn't that what you are? Uh, no.
Then who are you? - I Who am I? - Yes.
I-I'm Erin Sanders.
I, I'm in Internal Affairs.
I'm here to take your statement and fill a report of your account of the shooting.
No, wait a second.
I already talked to IA.
Yeah, Leon and I.
We went deep sea fishing together.
You went deep sea fishing? - Yeah.
- Wow.
He asked everybody.
You went? - [SIGHS.]
- That's amaz no.
He well, he quit, he didn't really Let's just say he didn't fill out many reports.
Okay, look, this is not cool, okay.
This is an invasion of privacy.
Do you understand? Okay, I guess that's my fault.
I mean, why would you think I was a counselor, though? Because everything about this scenario screams "counselor.
" Look at the furniture and the couch, and, you know, the way you dress, the way you talk to me.
- What? - Your-your hair.
What's wrong with my hair? Your hair is in, like, a counselor bun-type style.
You know, it's up and messy.
Why did you lay me on the couch, then? You laid yourself on the couch.
I mean, that was the first thing you did when you came in here.
What was I gonna do, say no? This is not right, you understand? Yeah.
I told you about when I was attracted to my sister when I was 13.
Do you think this was a party for me? You think I'm having a real good time over here? This was truly one of the most awkward hours of my entire life.
Which I think I handled pretty well pretty well.
Uh, you must think that I'm a total nutjob.
I don't think you're a nutjob, okay.
You know, if pressed, I might say, "Hey, he's pretty in touch with his feelings.
That's refreshing.
" Okay? So do you want to have dinner? Fuck n-no.
- Fuck no? - I meant I meant Sorry, I just meant to say no.
Fine, well, thank you very much.
Oh, and I don't want any of that getting out.
If I can get an attorney, you will be hearing from him.
- So, seriously, you're not hungry? - Definitely, definitely not.
Like, I'd rather die.
MAN: Have you heard from Special Agent Lehmann? MAN 2: Not tonight.
But she thinks this could be the exit point.
MAN 1: Okay, we'll give it some more time.
She's got her own methods.
MAN 2: Copy that.
So, is this happening? Is what happening? - Don't be playing around, baby.
- No, no You've been giving me signs all night long.
Oh.
Wow.
I didn't mean to give off signs.
It's been a long time for mama.
And I'm hungry.
Let's eat.
I have a girlfriend.
- You have a girlfriend? - Yeah.
I'm so sorry, I should've said something earlier.
She's - Okay.
- She's-she's in dispatch, actually.
Oh, she's in dispatch.
Yeah.
Janice? No, Fatima.
Uh, she's new.
- She's younger than - Younger? - Mm.
- Nice, you gonna marry that bitch? I mean, we've only had one date so far.
One date? One date, - and you already call her your girlfriend? - Well You texting? - Sexting? - Mm - Dick pics? - Uh I mean, has she sent you her tits? No, no, not as of yet.
No, no.
Sugar, I hate to tell you, but that's a bad sign.
Well, I respectfully disagree.
I think, you know, as a detective, it's my specialty reading signs, and these signs, to me, say this is we're in phase two, you know.
We're-we're working it, we're-we're, you know, vibing.
We're on a frequency here.
We're this is all part of the dance.
- It's part of the dance.
- Mm-hmm.
But she's in dispatch? - Yeah, that's right.
- Okay.
No-no-no-no, no-no-no, no-no, no, no - FATIMA: Car 27 Car 27.
- Get your hands off.
Hey! Hey.
Hi.
Uh, Car 27.
Is Fatima on the line? Fatima here.
Go ahead, Car 27.
Hey, Fatima, could you switch over to channel three, please? Copy that, switching to three.
Hey, Fatima, this is Special Agent Bonnie Lehmann here.
Look, Cullen's out of the car.
Just have a quick question for you.
It's a little bit embarrassing, but, um, man, we have been vibing all night and, um, he did mention that the two of you have dated.
And I was just curious, is-is it serious? I mean, are you boyfriend-girlfriend? Any of that? Oh, my God, no.
I have zero interest in him at all times.
Okay.
I mean, you're not just playing coy, are you? Making him chase you.
Doing the What do they call it? Doing the dance? You're not doing the dance, are you, Fatima? Full disclosure: I went on a date with him, and it was a nightmare, to say the least.
Kind of a nightmare.
I just wanted to be up front with you.
It was a little creepy.
Okay.
I'm going for it.
Car 27 out.
You're a detective, right? What did you detect from that? I, uh, detected, uh I detected, uh He has to come back.
They all come back.
I'll be right here.
I couldn't find quiet I went out in the rain I was just soakin' my head Oye, cabrón.
So-so how-how-how'd it go in there? - I got the job.
- So, when, when do they want you to start? Pretty much right now.
Oh, man.
So I guess this is it, huh? I guess so.
Oye.
Come on.
[PATTING BACK.]
Good hey.
Oh oh, you're scared, huh? - You're scared.
- Yeah.
You felt that? [SIGHS.]
Well, you have nothing to be worried about.
You're Roberto, cabrón, you're You're gonna you're gonna really kill it in there.
They're lucky to have you.
They're lucky to have you.
Thank you.
Bye.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yo, visit anytime, you know.
I'll I'll be here.
So fast, that's right Am I the one you think about When you're sittin' in your faintin' chair Drinkin' pink rabbits? Am I the one you think about When you're sittin' in your faintin' chair Drinkin' pink rabbits? And everybody was gone I was standin' in the street 'Cause I was tryin' not to crack I was solid gold I was in the fight I was comin' back from what seemed like a ruin I couldn't see you comin' so far I just turn around, and there you are Iâm so surprised you want to dance with me.