No Activity (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

The Crow

1 MAN: All SDPD units reminded to stay on DEA channel 13.
Operation Prairie Dog is our operation now.
Hold your positions.
You'll be updated when you need to know.
TOLBECK: So, my cousin Betsy, who's married to John, told me that John's aunt spontaneously combusted.
[CHUCKLES] Can you believe that? Can I believe that your cousin's auntie spontaneously combusted? - Mm-hmm.
- No, I can't.
Because it's not a thing.
Well, it's rare.
It's not rare.
It's just not real.
Look, I read some stories in the newspaper about it.
In the 18th century one of the first people Okay, stop.
Just stop.
Not engaging with the spontaneous combustion thing.
Okay? 'Cause it's not real.
It's not a thing, okay? I put up with a lot of garbage in this car, and there it is.
We found the line.
We found it together.
Congratulations, us.
Game over.
All right, then.
Wow.
What's going on with you? - Everything okay? - Yeah.
Things okay with Fatima? Did anything happen? [SIGHS] No, nothing happened.
You know what? Somebody in this car needs to be cheered up.
I got a surprise for you, really.
Close your eyes, okay? Close your eyes.
And open them.
Well, you didn't close them.
Anyway, surprise.
I made some, uh, Sri Lankan - tuna curry.
- Okay, okay, oh.
Do not open that lid.
If you open this, the smell will get in this car, and it will never come out.
- Okay, but I mean - I'm serious.
- Do not open this lid, Tolbeck, okay? - Okay.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Just, I spent all night making this for you.
I know.
Then you were in a bad mood.
I thought maybe some curry - would cheer you up.
- I know.
- But I guess I was just wrong.
- I know.
Well, I guess I will just throw it into the garbage or something.
- It doesn't matter.
- Oh, God.
Tolbeck, I think we need a break.
Oh, yeah, you know what? I was just thinking about that the other day.
My cousin, he has a cabin up in Lake Tahoe.
We could get it for a weekend.
No, no, no, no.
I mean break apart from each other.
Um wow.
I-I'm trying to move forward.
I'm trying to get ahead, and I-I'm just stagnant here.
I'm-I'm just, my feet are stuck in concrete.
And I think, really, you know, you-you you're a great guy.
I mean, you'll have no problem finding a partner.
You'll probably have lots of partners, you know? You'll probably be out there having a different partner every-every-every detail, you know? You'll end up thanking me, and I'll end up being jealous of you guys.
- No.
- I'm telling you.
- It's gonna happen, you know? - Yeah.
'Cause you're you are a great guy.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'm fine.
Thanks for being honest with me.
Oh, that's good.
Well, it is lunchtime, - so I'm gonna eat my - No, no, no.
Please, please.
Tolbeck, come on.
Come on.
We're still friends.
- We're always gonna be friends.
- Will we? Of course we will.
Of course we Don't, please don't do that.
Please oh.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
That is the smell of betrayal, my friend.
Be-trayal.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING] While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
So she's wailing away about how smart her dog is, and I'm like, "Really?" [SIGHS] Is he always like this? Does not stop ever.
Oof.
He's killing me, man.
Yeah? Yeah.
All right All right.
All right what? ADRIAN: Okay, and don't get me started on dolphins.
What have they ever done? [GROANS] You look familiar to me.
You a Burner? You go to Burning Man? Oh, no.
Never been.
You? I never miss it.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess somehow that makes sense.
No, I never miss it.
Yeah.
I wouldn't think so.
Not once.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Just something about me, mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Got it.
- Okay? You know, just so you know, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it.
I've become quite a robust role model for Angus here.
Huh.
Nope.
Not a role model at all.
Said every son ever.
No, but talking real here we've gotten pretty close.
And, uh ain't nobody gonna break that up.
Ours is more of a work relationship.
- Yeah.
- Partners.
Not anymore, though.
Right? How's that? You're just visiting, though.
- Right now? - Yes.
No, I'm back, baby.
I don't want to say you're replaced.
- I'm not gonna say that.
- No, I haven't been.
- Yeah.
- Nope.
But you kinda have been.
Yeah, except I'm here now on the job.
- You are here.
- Sure.
And we appreciate the visit.
The point is, Marco, you were there for him.
- Right? - Oh, yeah.
And I really appreciate that.
And I appreciate you being there for him when I couldn't be.
- And now I'm here for him.
- All right.
Yeah.
No.
Absolutely.
- This guy.
- And it's good.
- It's good for him - [SIGHS] to have those people in his life - Absolutely.
- That matter to him.
- That matter to him.
- That look out for him.
What the fuck is this? What-what is this? - This is what we do now? - You know what? Why not? - Come on.
- All right, what's going on? - Hey.
- Come on.
- Let's just sit down.
- Oh.
- Everybody on their box.
- Once again.
[SIGHS] So, Marco, how's your ear? - Come on.
- No.
I didn't mean right away, Tolbeck.
I'm just talking about, like, the next case.
- You know? - No, no.
I should've seen this coming.
I knew it.
Why should you have seen this coming? Come on.
Your obsession with Agent Haldeman.
Look.
Do I think he's a great cop? [SNIFFS] Yeah, yeah.
He's a great cop.
Okay? Do I admire his work? Yeah, I admire his work, all right.
It doesn't necessarily mean I want to partner with him.
Good.
Because you would look ridiculous.
You don't think that every cop on the force wants to partner with him? Proper cops, too.
They're probably all just throwing themselves at him.
Look, he's just a colleague, okay? - I don't think he needs - [CROW SQUAWKS] Oh, my God.
Crow in my window.
- Okay.
- Fuck me.
What the? - Okay, okay.
- Okay.
Oh, my goodness.
You had to put the windows down, didn't you? - Oh-oh, really? Me? - [CROW SQUAWKS] Who stank up with car with the fish curry? That's why he's here.
[SQUAWKING] Just be still, and it'll fly away.
Where's the fish curry? It's, uh, down by my feet.
Okay, okay, okay.
Just lean down, okay? Grab the curry, and throw it out of the car and he'll follow it.
I'm not gonna lean down there and be - he'll peck my eyes out.
- Okay.
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
- I'm telling you, this is an omen.
- What? You know, you talk about breaking us up, and then all of a sudden you roll the windows down, and a big black evil bird flies into our car.
[CROW SQUAWKS] Oh, yeah, sure, that's what's happened here.
- This is an omen.
You're an omen, okay? - You're an omen.
Could we just be absolutely quiet, please? - Okay, fine.
- [CROW SQUAWKS] FATIMA: Yeah, I just adopted a dog.
Oh.
It's a pugbackman.
- A pugbackman? - Yeah.
- It's a specialty breed.
- Mmm.
It's a cross between a pug, - Rhodesian ridgeback and Doberman.
- Oh.
- Yeah, let me show you a picture.
- Yeah, let's see.
Oh, God.
He's Sprinkles.
- Looks like it's on fire.
- Here you go.
A little closer look.
- What? - Isn't he cute? What's wrong with his jaw? - What do you mean? - It's missing.
No, it's there.
It's just a little bit of an underbite.
That's a characteristic of the breed.
Geez.
Boy, what's going on with his eyes? His big beautiful eyes? Well, they're going in opposite directions.
Well, he's pretty light-sensitive, so his eyes are, like, always moving around in different directions to avoid the sun.
But he also has to keep his head down because he's sort of built on an incline.
- Geez.
He's like a wheelbarrow.
- Yeah.
I guess there is one problem.
- One? - It's, like, little.
Yeah, I, uh - See? - Okay.
I can't ever get his lipstick to go away, really.
Well, it doesn't go back in, so I have to I have to kind of manually put it back in, - which is - And how do you do that? Well, I-I talked to the vet.
I got some lube.
And I just, you know, kind of put it back in the sheath.
- And how often do you have to do that? - Ten - times a day.
I don't even - A day?! You're reverse jacking that dog off ten times a day? Yeah.
He needs a little help.
I mean, medically he's got, like, the holster of a pug but, you know the weapon of a Doberman.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
He's a little terror.
Yeah.
He's a terror, all right.
- A real monster.
- Mm-hmm.
A little baby monster.
He's funny.
TOLBECK: Uh, Dispatch, this is Car 27.
- Come in, please.
- Oh, God.
- He's Sprinkles.
- Car 27, go ahead.
Car 27.
We have a crow in the car.
Over.
JANICE: What? What are you saying? - A crow.
- [CROW CAWING] It's about 17 inches tall.
Black feathers, black beak, black eyes, black feet? - T-Talons.
- Talons.
JANICE: Yeah, I know what a fucking crow looks like.
What do you want me to do? Send in the SWAT team? Uh, maybe you could send Animal Control? He has a very aggressive energy right now.
Over.
JANICE: We've got real work to do.
Okay? Dispatch out.
Cup of tea? Yeah, that sounds good.
Janice.
Janice.
The crow is not leaving the vehicle.
Over.
[RADIO STATIC] - Janice.
- [SQUAWKS] You hungry? - Yeah.
Starving.
- By the way, I've been holding on to all these receipts.
Who do I talk to to get 'em reimbursed? No, Adrian, there's no reimbursements.
- What? - That's not how this works.
You know what? Angus, why don't you go grab tacos? Give Adrian a break here.
- Fine.
- I don't have any money.
I do need some money from you.
All right.
Here I go again.
Bank of Adrian.
Open for business.
[SCOFFS] No, seriously.
It's all right.
Thank you.
I spoil him way too much.
- Hey! Eight carne asadas.
- Okay.
Hey, you want to hear a secret? - I'm about to be a dad.
- Wow.
You guys talked about it, - and that's where you're going? - We talk Oh, yeah.
- We've talked about it endlessly.
- Oh, yeah? We had plenty of time 'cause, you know, we took our time.
- Really? - Yep.
Yeah.
Don't want to rush into things.
- Nice and easy.
- Great.
Yeah.
Yeah, first two months, all we did was soak.
What's that now? We soaked.
Like, in a tub? In a sexual way.
Oh.
Okay.
I don't get it.
- You don't? - No.
- You haven't heard of it? - Soak? No.
- Hmm.
- To soak? - Yeah.
- Okay, no.
I've never heard it.
It's where the man just rests his penis inside the woman's vagina.
- That's it? You just rest it there? - Yes.
- You just rest it there.
- Sexual? - It's sexy.
- But there's no movement.
There's no There's no movement.
There's no thrusting.
Thrusting? So, are you even erect? - You're erect.
Yeah.
- Oh, you are? Just, like, tucking your dick into a vagina bed for a nap.
Yeah.
That's the best way I've ever heard it described.
Got it, okay.
Yeah, no, I guess I get it.
It's a bit of an art form.
Yeah, very popular in, uh, Mormon youth circles.
Oh, interesting.
- It's spreading.
- Yeah.
You've never been to a soak bar before? No.
FATIMA: Aw, Sprinkle's so cute.
I set up a camera in the house so I can watch him all day.
Well, why don't you just, uh continue that, and I'll handle all the pesky police work? - All right? - Not a pet person? No, not at all.
Really? Never had any pets? Well, um, I had a snake once.
- A snake? - Yeah.
It was something, uh, Mason wanted for his eighth birthday.
And his father my husband, Wally and I said, "Absolutely not.
No snakes.
" Right? So, one day I'm in the bathroom, and, uh, I look down, and in the trash can, I see a condom wrapper.
I mean, immediately I saw flashes of red.
So I talked to Wally about it.
He's denying it, we get in this huge argument, like, really loud.
I glance over, and I see Mason with just tears coming down his face.
Poor kid had to witness that argument.
- Uh-huh.
- So I felt bad.
The next day I get up, I go to the pet store, I get the snake, I get a tank, and I have to get a heater.
Right? Then the guy tells me snakes eat frozen mice.
- All right? So - Frozen mice? Yeah, frozen mice.
So then, one day I notice that Trevor that's the snake's name isn't eating these frozen mice.
- Mm-hmm.
- The guy at the pet store told me, "Yeah, that happens sometimes.
So you have to get real mice.
" Right? So, here I am, going driving back and forth to the pet store, buying fresh mice.
And let me tell you something.
I don't want the reputation of someone who's buying a lot of mice, right? So I'm trying to go to different pet stores.
You know, like alcoholics, they don't buy liquor in the same store.
Right? So, here I am driving to all these pet stores, and then they tell me, "You got to sprinkle a little calcium powder on these mice.
" You know, it gives it protein.
So, here I am, tossing this little spice on top of the live mice - and dangling it over the little - Ew.
Yeah.
The little aquarium for the snake to get.
Right? Unbelievable.
At this point, Mason has lost complete interest in the snake.
I don't blame him.
So, now it's all of a sudden my snake.
And then one day I get home from my shift, and I completely forgot to buy the mice.
You know? Because at this point, all I've been doing is arguing with Wally, so the last thing on my mind - is a mouse, right? - Yeah.
So, I get back in the car, - and I go, like, 40 miles out of my way - Oh.
to find alive mice, 'cause all the stores are out of them because I'd been buying them.
- Okay? So, then I get back - Geez.
Into the house, I'm dangling it over the little cage, and I'm thinking, "What the hell is going on? Is this really my life?" You know, it was like one of those - "movie of the week" moments - Huh.
where I actually caught a glimpse of myself, you know, in the reflection of the tank, and I'm like - Yeah.
- "Is this who I am?" - Right.
- I don't you know, Wally's not happy, Mason's not happy, I'm not happy, and Trevor's not happy.
So you know what I did? I put my clothes back on, I set Trevor loose, I divorced Wally, and I kept the mice.
Wow.
That is incredible.
Yeah.
How are the mice? Well, they didn't last that long.
One mouse ended up eating all the mice, so I took revenge, and I I killed it.
I killed it, and then I stuffed it, and it was living on my mantle for a while, and then I got a moth problem, and all the moths ended up eating it, so I just have the base of the taxidermy thing.
You know, you can use little currants for the eyeballs.
Pretty effective.
But, yeah.
No, I don't have any pets.
Hey.
Just curious.
Do you think that maybe Mason was behind the whole thing? You know, like, he planted the condom wrapper.
He was there witnessing you both fighting.
He wanted the snake all along.
He knew you'd get it for him.
Wait a minute.
You're saying that Mason planted the condom? So, he would destroy our entire relationship just to own a snake? Yes.
But I'm no detective.
Yeah.
No, you're not a detective.
Mm-mm.
Do you want some coffee, uh? Yeah, no.
Just give me a second.
CULLEN: Okay, okay.
- He's not leaving.
- [CROW CAWING] - Okay, maybe we should leave? - Oh, yeah.
Great idea.
Why don't we leave it here with the keys to the car, guns and badges.
- No.
- This is our car, okay? He's leaving.
- [CAWS] - I'm just gonna coerce it gently out your window, all right? - No, don't push him towards me.
- Why? Because crows have AIDS.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
They have AIDS.
They just don't have any way to transmit it to human beings.
All right, why aren't they all dead of AIDS? Because they've evolved.
They know how to live with it.
Okay, so they can't transmit it.
They know how to live with it.
How is it AIDS? - It's not full-blown AIDS.
- No, it's zero-blown AIDS.
Okay, it's AIDS light.
They don't even - call it AIDS.
- Oh, what do they call it? - "Craids"? - [CAWING CONTINUES] - Maybe.
- Do you want to push it out? - No.
- No.
So lean back.
- Careful.
- Here we go.
Here we oh, ow.
Here we go.
Get it! Watch it, watch it.
No, no, no! - [CAWING LOUDLY] - No, no, no! - Move it out of the - [SCREAMS] - Move it! - Ooh! Uh-oh.
Is it okay? No.
That's dead.
That's full-blown dead.
Okay, we better get our story straight.
ADRIAN: So, yeah, I got a young sperm age.
MARCO: Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Great.
Well, that's good.
I'm really happy for you and Vanessa.
One might even say my dick has the Midas touch.
What do you mean by "the Midas touch"? 'Cause everything my dick touches turns to gold.
Oh, goodness.
Well, that's terrible.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
You're sorry? Yeah.
Well, the Midas touch in the story of King Midas is a curse.
No, everything he touches turns to gold.
Yeah, it's a morality tale.
I-It's so that people understand that they should not be greedy, they should not want everything to be gold.
But he's super wealthy.
He can do anything he wants.
But I-in the story oh, Adrian in the story, everything he touches literally turns to gold.
- Yes! - His food.
- Yes! Yes! - His drink.
His daughter.
His penis, when it touches other women, they turn to gold.
No.
His no.
Oh, they turn to gold.
Yes.
And gold babies come out.
No! They're dead.
- There's nothing in that story - He - about dead gold babies.
- He kills everything he loves.
With his penis? No, no.
In the story, it's not his [GROANS] In the story, it's his touch, his touch, not his penis.
You're appropriating it for your penis.
Wow, I can't even What am I doing? Okay, anyway, the point being, at the end of the story, the curse is such that he has lost everything and, in fact, starves to death.
- [SIGHS] Okay.
- That's the result of the Midas touch.
It's a curse! That's your interpretation.
No, it's not my interpretation! That's the fucking story! That's how it works! [SIGHS] I mean, he must've been a really old bird, you know? He lived a really good, fun life.
I don't think so.
Why do you say that? 'Cause, you know, he didn't move that quickly.
He didn't move th He was all over you.
He was very nimble.
You just nailed him.
- It was an incredible shot.
- Yeah, well, it was an accident.
Really? 'Cause you, you know you hit him with a weapon.
My flashlight.
Basically, you applied lethal force to the victim with a deadly weapon.
Well, he came into our home.
This car is our home.
It's not like I went into his habitat and did it there.
Well, a bird's habitat is the air, and, technically, he was in the air when you murdered him.
This is not good.
- You know what we should do? - What? We should burn the body.
No, we're not burning the body.
No, we should burn the body.
Look, crows are really smart, okay? If he has a mate, the mate will find the corpse.
- Okay.
Okay.
- So we burn it.
So now we can look forward to a life of looking over our shoulder in case some crow with AIDS comes seeking retribution.
Yes.
Unless we burn the body.
- [SCOFFS] - Don't underestimate crows.
They are smarter than apes.
They know stuff.
They share information.
This thing's dead, okay? That's the end of it.
End of story, all right? - Okay? - Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
I'm gonna get some takeout.
You want something? Uh no.
I'm just gonna eat the curry.
Do not eat the curry in the car.
And do not burn that crow.
- Okay, I won't.
I won't.
- Okay? Okay, I'm gonna hold you to that.
And I trust you.
- Okay.
- I trust you.
- Okay! - Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES] Even in light of everything you said, I still like to think my penis has the Midas touch.
What? What? Why? Why would you want that? - Are you getting worked up? Huh? - Why would you want Obviously, I'm getting worked up! Why would you want your dick to have the Midas touch? Then everybody you fucked would turn to gold.
Would you want that? If you soaked with someone, they'd turn to solid gold.
- Doesn't sound bad to me.
- Really? That person would then be dead.
Can you think of a cooler way of going out, leaving this Earth? By turning into a gold statue? What would be cooler than that? "Hey, what happened to Pete?" "He's dead.
" Pete So you fucked Pete in this story.
Okay, so, great.
- Yeah.
- So now Pete's dead 'cause you fucked him.
- Yeah.
- And you think he's psyched about that? - Pete? - I think his buddies are like, - "That's pretty cool".
- High-fiving about it? I don't like you, man.
I don't like you.
Are we having a problem right now? Yeah, Adrian.
Yeah, we might be having a problem right now.
[PHONE VIBRATING] Oh, boy.
No.
- [LINE RINGING] - MAN: Can I get [RECORDED] Hey, this is Fatima.
Sorry I missed you.
But leave a message and I'll get al pastor tacos.
TACO MAN: Uh, $25.
Uh, you're a dollar short.
Well, uh I don't know.
I guess take off - one of the carne asada tacos.
- Hey, you know what, I got-got a dollar.
- You sure, man? - Yeah, no problem.
It's fine.
I appreciate it.
You, uh, work around here or? Uh, yeah, just working - the night shift at the FedEx depot.
- Oh, okay.
- Just down the street.
- Yeah, right.
Yeah, actually working with my old man.
Oh, is that right? That must be nice, working with your dad.
No.
He's he's fucking exhausting.
- Oh, really? - And he just does not know - when or how to shut the fuck up.
- Okay.
You know what I mean? He's one of those guys with no filter.
Right.
Oh, my God, I hear you.
Uh, I work with exactly that same kind of guy.
- Really? - Oh, my God.
Yeah.
So you know what I'm talking about.
I know what you're talking about.
But I can't do anything, because the guy, he's, you know, family.
I mean, my guy's not family, but, uh, we've been together so long, it feels like family, you know? [CHUCKLES] I just can't get rid of the guy.
- Yeah.
- I mean, he's special needs.
- Really? - No.
But it feels like it sometimes.
God.
What do you guys do? - Do you work around here? - No, no.
Uh, no.
We're just passing through.
We're just hauling up the big road.
We are truck drivers.
- Truck drivers.
That's-that's - Yeah.
- That's cool.
- Yeah.
You wear a-a tie when you're driving your truck? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's the new uniform.
I mean, I hate it.
The union's fighting it.
How do you like truck driving? - I love it.
I love it.
- Yeah? Just, it's just you and the big open road.
You know what I mean? Just, just moving.
- Just going somewhere.
You know? - Yeah.
- Just moving in your life.
- Go your own way.
- Go my own way.
Exactly.
- Me, too, man.
- You, too? I mean, you get it.
You know.
- Yeah.
I mean, my girlfriend doesn't love it so much, 'cause I'm always away from home, so she's calling.
You know, she's got a temper.
She's exotic.
- She's a - Really? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she's fiery.
- Yeah.
- That's fun.
Yeah, it's cool.
She's, she's good.
But I'm like, "Fatima", "I will be home when I'm home.
" Click.
[BLOWS] TACO MAN: Order's up.
- Thanks a lot, man.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Good talking to you, man.
- Hey, it's good to meet you.
Good luck to you.
Yeah.
You, too, man.
What's your name? - Paul.
- Paul.
Yeah, I'm-I'm Paul, too.
God, nice to meet a fellow Paul.
It's always good to meet a fellow Paul.
- Uh, thanks for the taco.
- No problem.
- Thanks for the chat.
- Enjoy.
- Go your own way.
- Go your own way, Paul.
All right, Paul.
Hey.
Can I get a big burrito with a little chicken and pork? MARCO: Yeah! Yeah, we had a problem, Adrian.
- We had a problem.
And now - Too many birds in one tree You're dead.
You're dead, you fucking idiot.
Too many birds in one tree [CROW FLAPPING WINGS, CAWING] And the sky is full [CAWING] Of black and screaming leaves [CAWING CONTINUES] The sky is full Of black and screaming And one more bird Then one more bird And one last bird And another One last blackbird without a place to land One last blackbird without a place to be.