No Activity (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

Mr. X

1 Previously, on No Activity Mm.
Oh, Daddy likes that.
Ooh, yeah, Daddy does.
I'm Daddy.
Hey, you think Daddy should get a little undressed.
I didn't think it was gonna get this dirty.
I'll do it.
Get off me.
Get off me.
[SCREAMS] Get off! I'm the new guy.
The new bloke, if you're British.
In the short time that we've known each other, I've gotten a sense of your morals and values, and I believe that they're really on point, and I want to support them, and I want to support you.
You really would do anything for me, huh? Detective, we know your partner is dirty, and we need you to find out who the leader is.
Leon told me everything.
I know the softball team is dirty.
- The team is dirty? - Oh, don't play dumb, Tolbeck.
- Dirty money in a laundry bag.
- I know.
I Shoot.
I never even looked in that bag.
Okay, I'm gonna open the bag.
- Are you ready? - Okay, yeah.
On the count of three.
- One - Two, - three.
- three.
I can't believe this.
I'm the dirty cop.
I've been dirty all this time.
Are you telling me that you had no idea about this? I swear on my life.
- Cullen, are you mad? Don't be mad.
- I'm not mad.
I'm not mad.
I'm not mad.
I'm not mad.
[SIGHS] Okay, you know what? Let's just go.
We can be in Mexico by morning.
We can be in Mexico in 20 minutes.
The border's right there.
You're right.
I was thinking of the Texas border.
Tolbeck, you're not thinking straight, - okay? - Yes, I am.
We could do a Shawshank Redemption.
- A what? - It's a movie.
I don't know if you've ever seen it.
- I've seen it.
- But it's these two murderers, they're - I've seen it.
- They form a heartwarming bond - while they're in prison.
- Yeah, I've seen it.
I've seen it.
- And then they escape from prison.
- I've seen it.
At the end of the movie, - they're sanding a boat.
- I have seen it.
I've seen it.
They're free.
That could be us.
Get busy living or get busy sanding.
Shut up about Shawshank Redemption.
I've got a plan.
Get in the car.
Bring the money.
You mean the laundry? Yeah.
You're gonna love Shawshank Redemption.
It's something we can watch on the way to Mexico if we decide to do it.
It's such a great movie.
AFI said it's one of the top hundred movies of all time.
I've seen Shawshank Redemption! ["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING] While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
You feeling okay? TOLBECK: I think, but my heart is beating like crazy.
CULLEN: That's okay.
Let me check it again.
Okay, the bug is in the knot, okay? - It's not too tight? - No, it's great.
- I'm just not used to a half-Windsor.
- Okay.
- You sure this looks okay? - Stop asking that.
Are you good with the plan? - Yeah.
We just follow the money.
- Right.
I drop off the bag, just like usual.
- Just like always.
- Right.
And then I come back here, call the team manager, let him know that I can't pick up the bag.
- Mm-hmm.
- We wait.
Whoever shows up to pick up the bag, that's our guy.
- Great.
- We nail him, and I clear my name.
[SIGHS] Okay.
Here we go.
TOLBECK [ON RADIO]: Okay, I'm walking.
Walking just like normal.
CULLEN: Don't talk to yourself.
- Cullen.
- It's one way.
Cullen, I can't hear you.
It's one way, Tolbeck.
- Oh, it's one way, that's right.
- [EXHALES] - I'm going in the door right now.
- Stop-stop talking to yourself.
There's a lot of washing machines here.
- I'm walking up the stairs.
- Wha Okay, yeah.
It creaked a little.
Did you know "stairs" is a homonym? St-Stop talking to yourself.
Okay, I'm going into the room now.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Stop talking.
- Hello there, amiga.
Guten Tag.
TOLBECK: Yeah, just dropping off the laundry.
Just like always.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, damn.
You know, I forgot your name.
What's your full name and your role in this organization? - Get out of there.
Get out of there.
- FRANKIE: What? - Get-get out of there.
- TOLBECK: No, I'm just kidding.
I know you.
I just - Casual chitchat.
[LAUGHS] - Okay.
And then, uh, you'll text me later when the clothes are all cleaned up, right? - FRANKIE: Yup.
- TOLBECK: All right.
Hasta la vista, baby.
[SIGHS] TOLBECK: Stupid idiot.
No wonder Cullen wants to leave you and join the FBI.
I should be in the FBI, fucking Bureau of Inefficient Assholes.
Stupid Federal Bureau of Investigative Idiots.
Man, I can't even come up with the right anagram or whatever What is it? A fucking Bureau of Inexperienced No, that's stupid.
All right.
That went smooth.
- I like this spy game.
- Mm-hmm.
I think, uh, Fucking Bureau of Idiots is maybe what you were searching for there.
Oh, you heard that.
Hey, come on, it was a good job.
Really? No.
FBI RADIO 1: Agent Kasprowicz.
Still no update? MARCO: Nope, nothing.
- FBI RADIO 1: Ugh, fine.
- MARCO: Oh, fine? You know what, Helen? Drop the attitude, okay? I'm the one stuck in this can.
When something happens, guess what.
I'll let you know.
FBI RADIO 1: Okay, go fuck yourself.
How did we get so lucky? Normally we're looking at all these gross monsters, but this, this is a goddess we get to look at.
I'm, like, captivated by this woman.
I need to protect her.
That's-that's the mission.
The mission now protect Frankie.
This is my story, though.
On every job, I fall for someone; can't stop it.
I mean, here's the thing about this job, right, Steve? It's creating, in my head, two separate divergent lives, okay? Dustin, the man that I am, the man that my family raised, Dustin, the last time I had sex, honest to God, was my ex-wife.
After she left, I-I haven't had a meaningful sexual relationship since then.
And that was ten years ago.
Marco, though, I mean Marco's sex life is prolific.
How weird is that? The most sex that I've ever had is in character.
Now, that's got to be weird.
I should talk to somebody about that, right? I think Marco might be a love and/or sex addict.
I should probably go to meetings in character.
How weird is that? I'm gonna have to go to addiction meetings as my alias.
I mean, that's fucked up.
You know what I did yesterday? I bought a backpack for school with flowers on it.
Why would I do that? Unless I'm gonna wear it for her.
To participate in this weird Daddy-little-princess fantasy that she has established, that I'm gonna be honest, I am now fully into, Steve.
I am 100% on board for being this daddy's little princess.
Now, what is that? What is that? Oh, God.
I want to ask you a question, and I want you to give me your honest opinion, okay? Don't overthink it, though.
Would I look good in this sun dress? - Yeah.
- Really? FATIMA: Uh, yes, I understand that your neighbor's dog pooping on your lawn is annoying, but it's not a police emergency.
Oh, it's a big dog.
Yeah, it's still not an emergency.
Thank you.
911 overflow is the worst.
- [CHUCKLES] - Oh, my God.
Is this coffee for me? Thank you.
It is.
Now, tell me everything.
How did the review go? So, it went great.
I didn't get it yet.
But there's one day spot open, and, I mean They're gonna figure some stuff out, and they'll let me know by the end of the month.
When my review comes up, I am going to ask scratch that I will demand that you and I be placed back together.
Th-That might be fun, but I'm probably just gonna get it.
Of course it's gonna go to you.
- Mm-hmm.
- It should go to you.
- Yeah.
- [COMPUTER CHIMES] Another one coming in.
May I? Knock yourself out.
I'll be right here.
What's your emergency? WOMAN: Hi, yes.
I'd like to order two large pizzas - for delivery, please.
- It's a prank call.
Just hang up.
Ma'am, this is not a pizza place.
It's 911.
Can I get one meat-lovers and one vegetarian supreme for delivery? Ma'am, it's a felony to prank-call 911.
Both family size.
She's an idiot.
Just hang up.
Uh, ma'am, are you aware that you've called 911? Yes.
Extra cheese on both.
The sense I'm getting is that you know this is 911, you cannot speak openly, is that correct? Yes.
Is there someone in the room with you? Yes.
Hey, it's not a prank.
It's not a prank.
We should take this seriously.
Uh, ma'am, what's the address? 347 Gold Coast Drive.
How long will that be? [SIGHS] I've got a unit that can be there - in about ten minutes.
- Ten minutes, yeah.
I need to know if there's any weapons on the premises.
One side salad.
Help is on the way.
Is there any chance you could stay on the line with me right now? No, thank you.
I'll see you soon.
That was amazing.
- Wow, that was intense.
- [EXHALING] She was in danger.
- Yeah.
- Her life was on the line.
You wanted me to hang up.
You wanted me to hang up.
I mean, it still could be a prank call, actually.
Like, they called to order a pizza, like, pretend to order a pizza, right, and then they make it seem like they need help but it's actually just about the pizza.
Does that happen? Yes.
All the time.
All the time.
TOLBECK [CHUCKLES]: Larry just sent me - a funny New Yorker cartoon.
- [SIGHS] It's two elephants trying to get into a bathroom Could we just take a break from your anti-joke fan club and focus up? - Okay.
You're right.
- Yeah.
The clean clothes are ready to be picked up from the Laundromat.
Okay, clean clothes and dirty money.
All right.
So now you call them back and let them know I can't come get it, right? - Me? - Yeah.
I-I don't know about any of this.
- You make the call.
- Okay.
So what am I sick with? Doesn't matter.
- Cancer.
- No.
That's too big.
Yeah, but with cancer, there's no follow-up questions.
But what kind of cancer is it? Oh, oh, uh, is it fatal? - Oh, how long do you have? - Okay, okay, - those are all good follow-up - Are you doing chemo? - They're good follow-up questions.
- Is it ball cancer - or ass can Okay.
- I get your point.
It's just general sickness; you don't know what it is.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, hi.
X? Hello there, Detective Tolbeck.
How are you tonight? Oh, boy, unfortunately, I'm calling to tell you that I'm, uh, sick.
Uh, not cancer or anything.
But, uh, unfortunately, I'm not gonna be able to pick up the team's uniforms for tomorrow's game.
Uh, I'll have to move a few things around, but I'm sure I can pick them up tonight.
I'm sorry to hear that you're unwell.
Keep up the fluids.
Okay, thank you.
Oh, how's the family? Very well.
Spouse is well.
Children are well.
Child 1's at camp.
Oh, they really do know how to make me laugh, man.
Some of the stuff they say Well, I should go.
I hope you feel better soon.
Bye, Mr.
X? Yeah.
Spouse? Child 1? None of those things struck you as mildly suspicious? There's people with the last name X.
Malcolm X.
You know? He could be Muslim.
Did you actually think about this, or are you just thinking about it now? Okay.
You're right, I'm a stupid, dirty dumb-ass cop.
At least you don't have cancer.
That we know of.
In your brain.
You should get that checked out.
- Can you hear me? - Hmm? MARCO: I just wanted to say thanks.
For earlier.
Talking me through that stuff, you know? [SIGHS] I know what I got to do I got to end this.
This has been stupid.
I've jeopardized the case.
I know.
So I'm gonna call her, I'm gonna break it off.
I'm just gonna do it.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH] Okay, here we go.
- Hey.
- How are you? - Fine.
- How are you? - Uh, you know what? Can I put you on hold one second? - Yeah.
- Okay, great.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck! - [GROANS] - What? Steve, I called to break up with a woman, and a goddamn angel answered the phone! [TOLBECK CHUCKLES] So funny.
Did you know you can get Kevin Federline to do a shout-out video? Larry got him to do one for the department Could we have one conversation where you don't mention Larry or Kevin Federline? - Let's focus up.
- Okay.
- Know what I mean? Yeah.
- Yeah.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH] How long do you think he's gonna take? No idea.
[SIGHS]: Whoever it is it could be the end of the line for me.
Hey, come on, don't talk like that.
We're gonna clear your name.
I hope you're right.
But if not, at least I know I can handle the joint.
Oh, you think so? Well, I've thought about this a lot.
I figured I'd either be an animal guy like, I'd have a pet rat or something or I'd be a fixer you know, like, I'd make pruno.
Pruno? Yeah, it's like a toilet wine.
Yeah, I guess as a fallback I could always be the prison bitch.
But, you know it's not my first choice.
You know the the bitch gets fucked by a whole bunch of guys.
Yeah, that's why it's not my first choice.
MAN: What's the update on that domestic? WOMAN: We have the suspect in custody at Gold Coast Drive.
Gave us a fight, but we took him down.
Good work to the new guy in dispatch.
[SIGHS] I am so sorry that I'm late.
Everybody's been chewing my ear off about this pizza call.
And get this: the department wants me to have a strategy meeting with the PR people.
I'm gonna get me a new outfit.
I got to do all these interviews.
And then this this is off the chain.
They're giving me a haircut.
Like, giving it to me.
And I got other news, mind-blowing news.
What? The spot on the day shift.
The one you've been gunning for.
- Do you remember it? - Yeah, yeah, of course I remember it.
- Yeah.
- Did I get it? You didn't get it.
I got it.
They gave it to me.
- Day shift spot.
- You didn't apply, though.
They just offered it to me, out of the blue.
I didn't even bring it up.
They said, at the end of the day, I mean, I have a lot of media obligations right now, so it makes a lot more sense for me to be on the day shift.
I don't know when we're gonna fit in the haircut.
I've been thinking for a long time about how I'd like to just make a switch, see how a new style might sort of shake things up for me.
Cool, Zach.
That's really cool for you.
It's not really great news for me.
No, it's not.
You knew I wanted that day shift spot.
You betrayed me.
- Did I? - Yes! That's not really a concept in-in my church.
I always thought betrayal was that thing where you trip but you almost fall and then you don't fall, so you just kind of, like, walk a little faster at an angle.
- What? - That's what I thought that was.
Tip tipping over is what you thought betrayal was? Every time I do that, I yell, "Betrayal.
" Oh, give me strength.
Hey! Sorry about that.
FRANKIE: Marco, what the fuck is going on? Nothing, really.
You know.
So much is going on, on a subatomic level, you know.
Particles just smashing into each other all over the place.
Uh, but on a microscopic level that none of us would notice, so Well, so much is, in fact, happening, it would give the appearance that, um actually nothing is happening.
See, now, that, that's-that's a fucking weird-ass answer to the question, "What's going on?" Eh, you know what, uh, enough about me.
So how are we? How are we? Yeah.
How are we doing? Like, what's the what's the temperature of our relationship at this point? Are-are we running a fever, or are we are we running cold, maybe? I-I don't know.
Does our relationship have a fever? That's what you're asking me right now? [CHUCKLES]: I just want to know whether to feed us or starve us, you know? All right.
I'm gonna be the one to sack up here, I guess.
Marco, do you not want this? Don't put it on me.
I'm super into you.
I mean I'm over here drawing pictures of you, thinking about getting them tattooed onto different parts of my body.
So then what the fuck is the problem, then, Marco? Oh, shit.
Are you married? Mar No.
I mean, I was.
- Are you gay? - What? No.
What are you, a cop? [HIGH-PITCHED]: No.
ZACH: You're upset.
That is very down-tone.
Let me fix this.
Okay? Peace offering.
They got me a fancy new chair.
Orthopedic chair.
You have it.
I deserve a bad back.
You take the new chair.
They got you a new chair? They did.
They got me a new chair.
They said I shouldn't tell you about it, but we don't really believe in lies in my church, except about the gay stuff.
Shut up.
What the fuck? Okay? Do you know what it's like to sit here and do the best job, to be the greatest employee at a job you are better than? And you just deal with Janice's shit seemingly forever, and no one even knows your name until they see you masturbating in their inbox.
- What? What was that? - [COMPUTER CHIMES] I'm getting a-an emergency.
What's your emergency? Yes.
Zach, it's for you.
[SIGHS] Zach speaking.
Hey, girl.
- It's Natalie.
- Mm-hmm.
- The pizza call.
Remember? - Yeah, yeah.
But it wasn't about pizza.
She was in danger, and I realized it, and now she's safe.
- Yes, I remember.
- Natalie, stop right there.
Never apologize.
And, hey, I got something out of it, too.
They're giving me a free haircut.
- [CLICK] - I don't Hello? Hello? Hello? No personal calls at work.
Oh, shit.
We got movement.
Oh, fuck, is that Larry? No, no, no, it can't be Larry.
He's the sweetest guy on the force.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He sucks, and I can't wait to arrest him.
Okay, real talk: is this because he wouldn't let you on the team? Real talk: it's irrelevant, but it is a silver lining.
Am I doing this with you or without you? You want to be the prison bitch your whole life? Want to be the fucking prison bitch, Tolbeck? Aw, man.
[GROANS] I told you, it's my third choice.
FRANKIE: Marco, what the fuck is going on? I bet you're a cop.
Are you a cop? Marco, you're clearly stalling.
Are you a cop, or are you not a cop? You have to tell me.
That's the law.
What? No.
I don't think so.
I think that's something they say in the movies and stuff.
I don't think a cop has to tell anybody anything, actually.
Marco, what the fuck is going on? You know what, you know what, you know what, here's what's gonna happen.
Here's what's gonna happen.
This I can explain everything.
What? What the fuck are you talking about? Ten seconds! Okay, I need you to turn everything in here off, okay, for, like, I don't know, ten minutes.
I need, like, ten minutes of free time with her right now to just get some stuff straight.
Is that cool with you? Steve? I'm gonna take that single blink as a yes, okay? Thank you.
Thank you for this.
This means everything to me.
Thank you.
Honest to God, honest to God, I am closer to you than I am to my own father.
[BELLS TINKLE] CULLEN: Freeze! Hands where I can see 'em.
Larry Turnbull, you're under arrest.
- How do you know me? - How do I know you? Yeah.
Do you not recognize me? No, I don't.
Are you telling me you don't know who I am? I just said that.
Detective Cullen.
Ring a bell? Are you a cop? Am I Yeah, I think I'm a cop.
- What precinct? - Look! All right, that's my precinct.
I think I would know you.
You do know me! I'm Detective Cullen.
Yes, I know your name now.
- I've never met you.
- I'm a catcher.
You won't let me on your team.
I'm actually a five-tool player.
You don't want to get involved in this.
Do you understand me? You're in over your head.
Oh, my God! You got me, Tolbeck! [LAUGHS] It's a bit! 'Cause Tolbeck's here, and it doesn't make sense for Tolbeck to arrest me.
- Why? - He's in on it, too.
- No, no.
- CULLEN: No, no.
You set him up.
That's the whole point.
That's why we're here.
- This is a sting.
- What are you t We were just on the phone talking, like, two hours ago.
No, I was talking to Mr.
X a couple of hours ago.
That's me.
All this time, you've never known? Are you kidding me? You really didn't recognize me? - You're Mr.
X? - Yeah! - I've been using this.
- Oh, yes.
[DISTORTED]: Hello, Tolbeck.
- Detective Tolbeck.
- Yes.
- That thing is great.
- Isn't it amazing? - It's a scrambler.
- Wow.
[DISTORTED]: I'm Detective Tolbeck.
[LAUGHS] Wow, you're Mr.
- Yes.
- I thought I had a new friend, - and it's an old friend.
- Best friends.
Mystery solved.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- [LAUGHS] - Yeah.
- No, no, no.
We're not getting out of here.
- We're arresting this guy.
- [SIGHS] Oh, my God! Detective Cullen, now I remember you.
Of course I knew you.
You're a great guy.
- Yeah? - You Y-Yeah, we've had We've-we've talked many times.
- You're a wonderful person.
- You remember me now? Yes, yes.
You're a cop in my precinct.
- Yes.
- Uh-huh.
How long have I been in the precinct? How long have you been in my prec the prec - Simple question.
- Uh, two months.
I mean, you Short time, but a real impact.
I'm seeing this entire thing.
I'm seeing it all.
- [DOOR OPENS] - [PANTING HEAVILY] - What the fuck? - [PANTS] Oh, my God.
- Were you outside?! - So many stairs.
- There's not that many stairs.
- [PANTING] Yeah.
Were you spying on me? [HIGH-PITCHED]: Mm.
You were fucking spying on me?! Okay, okay.
Sort of.
Okay? I was kind of spying on you, all right? Just-just give me a second - to lay it all out for you, okay? - Okay.
You deserve to know the truth.
So let me let me explain it to you, starting from the beginning.
When I was 14, I saw the movie The Fugitive, okay? Did you see it? You don't want to get involved in this, all right? There's some money that gets moved around, but that money goes to worthwhile causes that we all benefit from.
We pay for maternity leave, paternity leave, Thanksgiving turkeys that feed the neighborhoods.
We pay for the soup kitchens.
We pay for the book club, for the classes where dyslexic officers can learn to read.
Hey, you're in that.
- Shut up.
- So it's a little money from the cartel's cockfight.
You know what happens if the Feds come in here and take it? They burn it.
They burn it.
And we don't get to pay for our orthopedic shoe drive.
No way.
Those shoes totally fixed my back.
You don't want to see how the sausage is made.
Well, I'm telling you, that's how the sausage is made! The department doesn't take care of us.
The state treasury doesn't take care of us.
Nobody gives a crap about cops but a cop.
I'm telling you the God's honest truth.
Great speech, Larry.
Now you're under arrest, okay? Cuff him.
No, Cullen, I don't want to cuff him.
- Cuff him.
- No.
- Cuff him.
- Let him go.
- Tolbeck.
- He's like a hero.
CULLEN: No, he's not.
Cuff him.
- No.
- Cuff him.
- Tolbeck.
- [PROTESTING] Tolbeck, do not do this.
- Don't do this.
- Do not do this to me.
- Give me the cuffs.
- Give it.
- Give me the cuffs.
- [GRUNTING] - Give it.
- You can have it.
Oh, shoot! - Hey! - [GROANS] - Stand back.
- [GRUNTS] Fuck it.
Come on! Oh, well.
[DISTORTED]: Looks like this one got away, folks.
[DISTORTED]: I hate you.
- It's fun, though, right? - [DISTORTED]: No! So, at the end, it was the one-armed man, Harrison Ford is vindicated, but Tommy Lee Jones never gets over it.
End credits, okay? But the dogged pursuit of Tommy Lee Jones's char Marco, are you a fucking cop or not?! No.
[SIGHS] I'm an FBI agent, okay? My real name is Dustin Kasprowicz.
[GRUNTS] Okay.
- That's fair.
- Yeah.
That's fair.
You really got me.
Yeah, I know.
I deserved that, okay? But it doesn't change the fact that I love you.
I am in love with you.
I-I think we should - run away together.
I think - [DOOR OPENS] - Hey, Frankie.
Sorry, sorry.
- Larry, what the fuck - are you doing here? - I think we have a bit of a situation.
- Who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you? Doesn't matter.
Look, I need that file cabinet right here in front of that drawer right now.
And do you have any rope? I'm gonna probably need Oh, God, we got to knock these bulbs out, too, God darn it.
Okay, look, don't be alarmed.
I'm just taking my gun out to use you guys as hostages.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Larry! - Relax.
Does anyone h - You relax! Does anyone have a plan, okay? - This is my first time.
- Okay.
- Okay? So just - Just calm down.
- I'm calm.
- It's okay.
Just relax.
Look, I'm sorry for yelling, - but this is a hostage situation! - [GUNSHOTS] - Okay? - Okay, okay, okay! - Okay, okay! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Who has to pee? - What? - What? Suitcase gone Suitcase gone The only way to make you stay Is that suitcase gone Suitcase gone Suitcase gone From across your face As the gray of the day MAN: Guh-doosh.