No Good Deed (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

1
["Carry on Wayward Son" by Kansas playing]
My wayward son ♪
There'll be peace when you are done ♪
Lay your weary head to rest ♪
Don't you cry no more ♪
[boy] Paulie? Paulie!
- I told you not to touch my stuff, Paulie.
- Should've found a better hiding place.
- Give me that!
- Hey! Give it back!
You want it? Catch!
[music continues, muffled]
[gasps] Mikey! Let me out!
Dad's gonna kill you!
Let me out! Mikey! Mikey!
[echo fades to silence]
[Paul breathing shakily]
[quiet, emotional music playing]
Fuck.
Paul, can we please talk?
I'll take that as a no.
[theme music playing]
[Lydia] I'm so sorry, Paul. I'm so sorry.
I can't believe this is happening again.
- [foot tapping]
- [Lydia sighs]
Are are you just not gonna say anything?
[tapping continues]
Okay, I know you act
like you're dead inside--
Okay, all right. You wanna talk?
Wanna have a little chin-wag
about the life sentence we're gonna get
for what looks like premeditated murder?
No, no, it was self-defense!
He was threatening to show that evidence.
You invited him over!
- You fed him marsala.
- I thought I could get through to him!
Okay, all I know is now we have to
get rid of him somehow.
- Yeah.
- Can't call the guy who helped last time.
Because you just brained him.
Yeah. I'll help you.
Oh, yeah.
I can help. I can help.
- Please don't.
- I can. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
We'll wrap him
in one of your construction tarps,
wait for nightfall,
dump his body by the river,
and and make it look
like it was an overdose.
- Okay, El Chapo. Nice plan.
- [Lydia] Right?
And obviously, we're gonna
have to take the house off the market.
Oh my God. Did you kill him
to get out of selling this fuckin' place?
- He's in a rug, Paul!
- Because you put him there!
Oh you wanna talk
about the dead person in the house?
It's you, Lydia!
- What are you talking about?
- You're gonna help me. You're gonna--
You you barely left the house
in three years.
Your own daughter won't even talk to you
because you're so stuck.
That's not true!
Emily's just busy with college!
She's not too busy to talk to me.
And not through the lights! On the phone,
like a normal parent-child relationship!
Hey, you wanna keep chattin'?
Get the fuck out, Lydia!
Fine.
Fuck you, Paul!
[quirky music playing]
Try not to kill anyone else!
Come on.
[Margo] There he is!
People's Most Sexy Man Alive.
I made you a coffee.
Uh, thanks.
I'm dying to know
what this big opportunity is
that your agent has for you.
I already told him no more infomercials,
and I'm not gonna be the spokesman
for Randy's Tires of Burbank.
Ew, no.
You have to wait for the right thing.
Like maybe something
in the Yellowstone universe.
- I'd be perfect for that.
- Right?
We don't need to be desperate.
We still have your Schwab and your NFTs.
You know, I already hated this house,
but now, everywhere I look,
I'm haunted by the ghost of you
and your fuck-buddy past.
- Honey, don't.
- Honey, don't "honey, don't" me.
Did you do it back there?
Did you do it in the bedroom?
Did you have shower sex with him?
I don't doubt it.
It wasn't a guy.
Then what was he?
He was a she.
Oh Oh!
- I mean, is that what you want?
- No.
- Good Lord.
- No, I want you.
- I got a big meeting today, all right?
- I know. I know.
- Please. How do we get past this?
- [groans]
I will do anything.
I will go to counseling.
I'll sign another prenup.
- I'll get rebaptized.
- I don't know right now.
I don't know if I can get past it.
You're just gonna have
to settle down for a second.
Okay.
[suspenseful music playing]
- [Margo] No, you're right.
- [J.D. sighs]
I I don't think we can move on
in this house.
I mean, what if we moved
across the street?
I mean, you've always loved that house,
even after everything that happened.
And Harper could stay in her same school.
As if you even know
where Harper goes to school.
Of course I do.
I'm not that bad of a stepmom.
- She goes to Hillside. View!
- It's called Hillview.
- Hillview, Margo.
- Hillside Hillview. That's what I said.
And even if we wanted to buy that house,
we can't because Lydia doesn't like you.
Who's Lydia?
[Lydia] Hey!
Hey, Emily, honey. It's me.
Um it's Mom. Been a while.
Uh
But I I miss you.
And so I was just
I was wondering if, you know,
maybe I could, um, stop by.
- Um So, yeah.
- [starts engine]
Okay. Bye.
Oh Jesus.
Stupid.
[sighs]
- [bang]
- [brakes screech]
Oh! Fuck was that?
- Oh!
- [groaning]
Oh fuck.
- [Margo yelps]
- [Lydia] Oh my God.
- Oh
- [Margo groaning]
Oh my God! Are you okay?
I'm fine!
I didn't see you. You know,
you came just out of nowhere!
- It's no problem!
- [Lydia] Oh God.
Should I call 911?
No, no, no, no. I'm all right.
I'm all right. [yells]
- No! Okay, here. Let me help you up.
- [gasping]
Maybe we could go into your house
and get some ice?
No.
[suspenseful music playing]
[creaking]
[keys jangling]
[clattering]
[emotional music playing]
[sighs]
[Margo winces]
- [Lydia] Ah.
- [Margo] Ow!
- [alarm bleeping]
- [Margo sighs]
The code is 6969. It's an inside joke.
- Yeah. Yeah, I think I get it.
- [groans]
Oh, thank you. Over here.
[screams] Fuck!
[moans]
Yeah. I always wondered
what it looked like in here.
- It's chic, right?
- Yeah.
Believe it or not,
I did the whole place myself.
- Believe it.
- Thank you.
[sighs] I'm actually trying
to make a career of it.
You know, I wanna be more
than just a trophy wife.
Yeah. Here. Why don't I
[sighs]
- [gasps] Oh fuck!
- Sorry. Oh, sh Sorry.
- Sorry. That was just shocking. Thanks.
- I'm gonna get some ice to put on it.
[tense music playing]
Oh, okay. This one.
Jesus.
[grunts]
Seriously?
[sighs, groans]
Thank you. I appreciate it.
[Lydia] Yeah. I I'm sorry.
Again, I'm so sorry.
I I
I've been under a lot of stress,
you know, with, uh, selling the house and
Uh God, I can't believe--
I'm sorry. I almost k
I could have killed you.
Maybe it would've been better
if you did kill me.
What?
If I was dead,
then maybe J.D. might forgive me.
Oh.
- [Margo] I cheated on him.
- Mm-hmm.
With a woman. I mean, a--
God, a gorgeous woman.
[sighs] But it's just been
a shitty morning.
Sorry, TMI.
- Oh, no. No. It's interesting. I
- [phone chimes]
[laughs and sobs]
Are you okay?
Yeah. No. I've also had a shitty morning.
My daughter doesn't wanna see me, so
Girls are rough. [sighs]
Just ask the ten-year-old demon
I live with.
[chuckles sadly]
Mm
[sniffles]
Oh, fuck it.
[quirky music playing]
- Mmm.
- Mm-hm. Mmm.
[sighs]
[sighs]
[murmurs]
Thank you, my man.
Hey, J-Dizzles!
- Hey.
- [man] There's the big man.
How you doin'? So, uh,
we headin' to the Ivy? What's the plan?
Nah, we can just chat here.
[J.D.] What? Here?
Yeah. So how you been, brother?
I've been good. I've been good.
Thanks for askin'.
Uh, you know, I've actually been
noodlin' on a pitch.
It's a biopic about the Property Brothers.
- Just--
- I'm gonna stop you there.
Sure, sure. Just just sandboxin'.
Yeah, I know. Uh, we're lettin' you go.
What?
- Why?
- We can't give you what you need.
What what you deserve.
I don't deserve anything. I'm just
looking for the chance to do good--
What the fuck is this?
All your signed
soap opera convention photos.
Why is she even here?
Just in case, you know,
you had another incident.
Are you kiddin' me?
I made one mistake, Drew.
- One mistake!
- You brought a gun to the set.
Hey, I was in a tailspin!
I told you it was the meds.
I was experiencing mild hallucinations.
I had a reduced appetite.
I hadn't eaten in days, all right?
I was starved!
Take a breath, brother.
[sighs heavily]
- Now bring it in.
- Huh?
- A hug. Gimme some love.
- [J.D.] What?
- Bring this thing in. Come on.
- [grunts]
You're gonna be all right.
Huh? You got your smoke-show wife.
Your daughter.
Just take some time.
Go back to Missouri.
- Oklahoma.
- Wherever.
Just go away.
Okay, Drew.
- Could you
- We don't validate.
You haven't been here that long.
Probably just be a couple bucks.
See you, bro.
[thumping]
[Paul grunting]
Come on.
- [heavy thud]
- Oh shit.
[thudding]
Oh shit.
[thudding]
[door opens]
[laughter]
- [Greg] Welcome, Samson fam.
- [mother] Wow!
- [Dennis] That's what I'm talkin' about.
- Fuck.
[dramatic music playing]
[conversation continues downstairs]
[straining]
[Paul grunting]
[music intensifies]
[creaking]
- [Greg] What are you doing?
- Huh? No.
Uh, nothin'. Just, uh
- Nothing.
- Jesus.
You look like Nick Nolte's mugshot.
You keep partying without me?
- Hey, it was a rough night.
- [scoffs] You're tellin' me.
- Me and Larry had trauma sex.
- I don't wanna know. Who's downstairs?
Oh, serious buyers.
I have a really good feeling about them.
Beautiful intergenerational family.
Uh-huh. Cancel it.
Why? 'Cause you're in the middle of
a hang-xiety spiral? No one gives a shit.
- My brother died.
- [Greg] Oh.
- [Paul sighs]
- Well, now I feel terrible.
Can you just get 'em outta here?
Wait. Your brother
that you were tryin' to frame?
What? I didn't say frame.
Oh, you mean Oh.
No. I said save. I was gonna save him.
No, you specifically said you were gonna
plant drugs on him and send him back--
I was on drugs, Greg. Huh?
I didn't know what I was sayin'.
Okay. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry. Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna keep this real short and sweet.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Meanwhile, you might wanna
clean yourself up a scooch
'cause you smell like
the inside of a cat's mouth.
Ooh!
Look at this built-in bar!
- This is gonna be my room!
- [Dennis] Yeah!
[laughing loudly]
Uh, Ma, listen. Uh, Carla and I
Look, we're really appreciative of you
offering to help us buy the house.
- That's what family is for.
- [Dennis] Yeah.
If Carla's mother was still alive,
she would want that too.
- [Dennis] Mm-hmm.
- God rest her soul.
She thought
religion was a colonial holdover.
- But if
- Not right now.
What what we
what we're sayin' is is that
Look, Carla feels as though
And also, I feel
We both feel that it's important
that we establish our couple vibe
- Mm-hmm.
- before we bring in a third.
- Right. That sounded weird.
- It did.
Okay. I got it.
What I mean is,
we wanna move into this house,
just the three of us.
Yes. The three of us.
- No.
- [Dennis] Mm-mm.
- The three of us.
- Like one, two, three.
Oh!
- I see.
- Uh
I see.
- M Ma, I--
- [Greg] Hey, fam! [laughs]
Slight snag-a-roo.
Little Snagourney Weaver.
[laughs] Um
Paul, the owner,
has had a death in the family.
- [all] Oh.
- [Greg] It's his brother.
- So we're gonna have to make this quick.
- Should we just leave?
Absolutely not.
Paul's brother would not have wanted that.
But I do think if you're serious
about making an offer,
I want you to think about a number
where you're comfortable landing
and then go way above that.
Don't look at me.
It's on the three of them.
- [Dennis] Mom.
- [Carla] We're fine.
My husband is about to publish
his second bestseller.
- Yeah.
- What? What was his first?
- [phone ringing]
- Shadowcasters.
- I don't know why I asked. I don't read.
- Oh. Okay.
Dr. Henderson?
Yeah, I got a second.
[Greg] I can read. I just don't.
You were with the Philharmonic, right?
I was. Mmm.
- But I I gave up my seat.
- Hmm.
Well, there's a seat for you
right over there.
Um right. The pink piano.
It's cool, right?
Yeah, the Uh-huh. The
- So, if you get the itch, just come on by.
- Yeah.
[chuckles]
I know Harper misses
getting lessons from Jacob.
Then why did you fire him?
Oh. Because it conflicted with her ballet.
She needed those classes.
She is graceless.
Okay.
Anyway, I always thought that
Jacob was a really special young man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was actually on my way over
to give you this.
Oh!
Jacob left it here before, you know
[emotional music playing]
Thank you.
I'm so sorry
that I didn't bring it over sooner. I
I didn't know what to say or how to act.
Yeah.
My brother died when I was 15.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, he died in a fire.
I left the space heater on.
Anyway, I'm sorry. I am not trying
to compare that to you losing your son.
Losing a brother isn't easy either.
Sometimes I feel guilty
for just being alive.
[clears throat]
Then I remember that
Bobby wouldn't want me to blame myself.
- [Lydia sniffles]
- [laughs softly]
[sighs and chuckles]
- Thank you.
- [sniffles] Yeah.
[sobs]
You know, it's funny.
- I never liked you.
- How's that?
No, I just mean that I
I guess I was intimidated by you
'cause you're just so cultured
and, like, effortlessly gorgeous.
Mmm! Mm-hmm.
I mean, look at your house.
[sniffles] Mmm. Yeah.
Honestly, J.D. and I were thinking
about making an offer.
You know, just to downsize.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
That is, if he decides
he doesn't hate me. [sighs]
[sighs]
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
Do you do all that every day?
All what?
The hair and the makeup.
- I wake up like this.
- Oh! [chuckles]
I'm just kidding!
- Oh!
- [both laughing]
- I have an idea for you.
- What's that?
Help me hobble up the stairs, and I'll
give you a little zhuzh.
Well, I I don't know. All right.
[Dennis] Uh, thank you.
Uh, thank you, Dr. Henderson.
[suspenseful music playing]
[sighs]
[breathing shakily]
[door opens]
- Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to--
- No, no. I You know what? I wasn't
Yeah, I didn't realize
anybody was even upstairs.
I'm I'm sorry. I don't know why I
[Paul] Yeah. Well
I just got some weird news
from the doctor.
- Oh.
- Dennis.
- Paul.
- Oh, Paul.
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry about, uh
Greg told us that your brother had passed.
Uh, yeah.
Sorry, dude. Sorry.
Thanks. Yeah. Uh it was sudden.
Must have been a shock.
You never know
when your time's gonna come.
Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of things
I would've done differently.
And, uh, you know
you only got one family.
And, uh
he he had a son.
[Dennis sighs] Man.
[Paul] Thanks.
Sorry. [laughs]
I'm I'm about to have a son.
[Paul] Oh, congrats.
Yeah. Good for you. That's great.
I can't tell you what it would mean to me
to be able to raise him in this house.
For as long as I have to raise him.
I appreciate that.
- Uh
- Ooh!
[exhales] Brother, brother, brother.
[inhales deeply]
Anyway, I think I'm
- Uh, I am gonna shower now, so
- Oh, yeah. Of course.
Have your time.
[phone buzzing]
[quirky music playing]
Hey. You think our sectional
would look good in here?
I don't think it'll look good anywhere.
But it doesn't really matter what I think.
Oh, come on, Denise.
I want you to feel included.
By icing me out of the house?
By not inviting me to your wedding?
- [sighs]
- Dennis is my only child.
Denise, there was no wedding.
It was just the two of us
and a justice of the peace
that we found on QuickieWeddings.net.
Well, lucky them.
- [sighs]
- Isn't your father alive?
What did he do to piss you off?
Mm.
I know that you and Dennis are
agonizingly close.
But I need you to let go.
A little distance between family
can be a good thing.
I'm a mother!
Mothers don't get to let go.
When he's 80, and I live to 100,
and I will,
he will still be my baby.
Maybe
one day you'll understand.
Uh
[contemplative music playing]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[grunts]
[sighs]
[yells]
[loud thump]
- [thump]
- [Denise] What the hell is that?
- [Greg] Um, a mouse, I think.
- [Carla] It's coming from in here.
- [Paul] You hear that?
- [thump and yell]
- [Paul] Excuse me.
- Who's this man?
That's Paul, the owner.
He he's pretty raw right now.
Hey, Paul.
I was telling
these lovely potential buyers
you mayhaps have a cute little critter
hangin' out in your walls.
- Is that a mouse, persnaps?
- [Mikey yells]
It's a big mouse.
- It's a raccoon.
- Raccoon?
- Like a rabies raccoon?
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah. We thought we got
we were rid of him, but
- [crash]
- I'm s Hmm.
Um, we tried to get rid of him
so many times.
We worked so hard,
but you can't get rid
of that little fucker.
He's alive.
Resilient little son of a fuckin' bitch.
- That's our cue.
- [Dennis] Yeah.
- Let's let Paul deal with this, and
- See you, brother.
- Maybe put on some pants if he has time.
- [Carla] Why don't we go this way?
- [Greg] Let's head to the sunroom.
- Okay.
- [thumping]
- [Greg's voice trails off]
[door opens]
- [girl] I know.
- [J.D.] What was this guy's name?
- [girl] Jake.
- [J.D.] Jake.
- Well, he sounds like quite a character.
- He is. It was really funny.
Hi, Harper. I'm so sorry
I couldn't pick you up from school today.
I got run over by a car.
Whatever.
[J.D.] Okay, uh, why don't you
go up and change?
And I'll, uh, help you
do homework in a second, okay?
- [Harper] Okay, Papa.
- [J.D.] All right.
So how was the meeting with Drew today?
Not bad. Uh
You know, he just wanted to let me know
it's between me
and, uh, you know, one other guy.
- For a role in a new superhero thing.
- [gasps]
- Honey, that is wonderful!
- Yeah.
I mean, it'd just be playin' a sidekick,
but, yeah, it's pretty good.
Are you kidding me?
Automatic sink, my ass!
Motion sensor.
It doesn't even sense emotion!
It can't hear you!
Calm down.
Maybe we'll be out of here soon.
- What do you mean?
- Come here, and I'll tell you.
- You have to come 'cause I can't walk.
- She just ran you over, huh?
- Yeah. [wincing]
- Guess guess she really does hate you.
[Margo grunts] No, she doesn't hate me.
We had a great conversation.
- Yeah?
- A girl chat.
Like, a super deep girl chat.
Yeah, about the house?
I dipped a toe, playing the long game.
Well, you know, I'm just glad you're okay.
But are
are we okay?
I I don't know.
All I know is that you and Harper,
you know, you're all I got.
That's true.
And everyone should be allowed
to make one mistake.
Right?
- Yes, baby.
- Yeah.
I love you.
[gasps] Oh.
- Ow. Ow!
- Uh
Sit, and I'll, uh
- Let me grab you a Percocet, okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, baby.
Ow! [wincing]
[J.D.] Don't put any pressure on it.
- Okay.
- [door opens]
[door closes]
How about shuttin' the fuckin' door,
you little bitch?
[dramatic piano music playing]
Oh, sorry, Ma. I--
Seriously? You're smokin' again?
I never quit.
Those things are gonna kill you, Ma.
And and I need you around.
Oh, so now you need me around.
I do.
[sighs] I made a mistake.
- I want you to live with us.
- Why?
Because you only have one family.
And I need you here in case I
have to suddenly go away somewhere.
I don't wanna be some unwanted
rabies raccoon livin' in your wall.
Evidently, it's time I let go.
Like, what are you talkin' about?
Ask your wife.
But, Ma, I--
I'm dying.
[sighs]
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
You are flip-flopping all over!
I cannot live with that woman
until you're 80 and she's 100.
That's not gonna happen, babe, 'cause, um
I gotta tell you somethin'.
I already know you took your mom to prom.
No, she drove me there
and then she wouldn't leave.
I had to give her, like, one
A couple of slow dances.
- Sounds like the same thing to me.
- Would you please?
- This is serious.
- [Carla scoffs]
[grunts] What?
[sighing] Uh Oh God.
Okay, Dennis, you're scaring me.
I'm
- [gasps and winces]
- I'm
[groans softly]
- [sighs]
- I haven't finished my book.
- Okay. Uh you will, love.
- I haven't even started it.
I don't understand.
So you lied?
Look, when I wrote my first book,
like, nobody gave a shit.
So, if it flopped,
then I was just failing myself.
But now I'd be failing you,
and and the baby. And--
Wait, so this is my fault?
No! I'm I'm just under a lot of pressure.
Everybody is under pressure, Dennis.
It's it's called adulthood.
Jesus! Now I see why your mom thinks
that she has to still take care of you.
Look, I I didn't
I didn't know how to tell you, okay?
I was afraid that you'd look at me
like you're lookin' at me right now.
Well, then I'll stop lookin' at you.
[insects chirping]
- Mikey?
- [Mikey groans]
[emotional music playing]
I'm sorry about
all of it.
[young Paul shouts] Mikey!
Let me out!
- [father] What's the racket all about?
- He stole my stuff.
- No, I didn't! I swear!
- [father] Mikey, Jesus Christ!
He's lying! Why the fuck
do you always believe him?
[father] What'd you say to me?
[sounds echoing]
I just wanna start over, all right?
I mean, just 'cause things got fucked up
it doesn't mean it has to stay that way.
[Mikey groans]
He's alive?
Yeah.
Oh, thank God.
Thank God.
- Oh!
- [Paul] Mikey, I'm gonna
I'm gonna open the door.
[suspenseful music playing]
Mikey?
- [roars]
- Oh!
[both grunt]
Come on. Come on. Fight me.
- Mikey, stop it!
- You little pussy.
[Paul yells]
- [Mikey grunts]
- I don't wanna fight!
Oh yeah?
Why don't you ask your wife
how my lips taste?
- [scoffs]
- Looking good, by the way.
[Paul grunts]
- Paul, no, don't--
- Stay the fuck out of it!
[dramatic music playing]
[high-pitched ringing sound]
[music stops]
[Lydia] Paul?
What the hell are you doing?
I'm lettin' that fucker rot!
[dramatic music resumes]
[gentle music playing]