No Good Deed (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[sultry music playing]
[echoing] Please!
I'm begging you.
Don't go.
I can't live without you.
[J.D.] Well, darlin'
That bronco out there,
it, uh ain't gonna ride itself.
What about this bronco?
Take me, cowboy.
[J.D.] I'll take you right now.
- [Margo] Ooh!
- [J.D.] Mm! Mm! Mm!
- [loud clattering downstairs]
- [J.D. gasps]
[Margo] What was that?
- [steady beeping]
- [echoing] Stay here.
I got this.
[beeping growing louder]
[J.D.] Margo, what are you
What is goin' on?
You're baking?
Thought you were celiac.
No, those aren't for me, silly.
I'm making homemade biscuits
for Paul and Lydia.
You know, butter them up.
- Seal the deal on the house.
- You really think they'll sell it to us?
The woman practically killed me.
I'd say she owes me.
[Mikey] Jesus Christ,
it's like a fuckin' sauna in here.
You gonna keep me
a prisoner forever, asshole?
[Paul] Keep calling me "asshole,"
and you'll find out.
- [Mikey] Go fuck yourself.
- [Paul] No, you fuck yourself!
[Mikey] No, no, no!
I said it first! Fuck you!
- Go fuck yourself.
- Fuck.
[Paul] Talk to the spiders,
you fuckin' dick.
[Mikey] Fuck you!
[Lydia] Oh my God. I need a shower.
Can I have my dryer, or are you
too busy entombing your brother?
- All done.
- [Mikey] Lydia, is that you?
- Uh
- No, no, no. Sh, sh, sh!
[Mikey] Lydia, let me out! Come on!
- No, don't. Look.
- [Mikey] Please.
- I got him. Huh?
- [Mikey] I'm not a monster. I'm an addict.
- He's trapped. Shut up!
- [Mikey] People are lookin' for me, Paul.
- Oh, bullshit.
- [Mikey] And they will find me.
Behind a sealed wall?
Good luck, shithead!
[Mikey] You don't know these guys, man.
They're hunters.
Especially when they're owed money.
They don't find me,
they're gonna come find you.
Oh, oh, oh! I'm so scared!
Actually, that does sound scary.
[Paul] No. No, he's full of shit.
- Where'd that hat come from?
- Oh! Margo found it.
It belonged to Jacob.
- [Paul] Yeah.
- I think he wanted me to have it.
Yeah? Is he talkin' through
baseball caps now?
You can be a real prick, you know?
What? It's a legitimate question.
No, the legitimate question is,
when did you become
such a full-on psychopath?
How long are you gonna leave him
plastered in the wall, Paul?
What do you want me to do?
Huh? He has evidence on us.
Trust me. The only way he'll give it up
is if he thinks he's gonna die in there.
You're gonna die in there!
- [Mikey] Fuck you!
- Ha ha!
Paul, he's a father.
Think of Nate.
I hid some water in there. He'll be fine.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Jesus. What's happened to us?
We used to be so normal.
We'd go to Costco. We played Boggle.
We had friends.
A few friends we could tolerate.
How is this our life?
[sighs] I don't know.
Ask the hat.
["Home Sweet Home" by Mötley Crüe playing]
Oh
F fuck.
I'm on my way ♪
I'm on my way ♪
Home sweet home ♪
I'm on my way ♪
I'm on my way ♪
[Sarah] It's gonna be so nice
to take walks on this street
with our little bambino.
- Knock on wood.
- I don't even need to. I feel positive.
Probably 'cause I deleted
all my social media apps.
- Including Citizen.
- [Leslie gasps]
- Okay, excuse me, Major Growth.
- Thanks.
Captain Impressed reporting for duty.
Right?
Like, I don't need
to know every single time
a French bulldog
gets kidnapped at gunpoint.
How does that help?
- It doesn't.
- Yeah.
[Leslie pops lips]
You're doing that thing with your lip
that you do when you're hiding something.
- What thing?
- [pops lips] That thing.
[pops lips] Fine!
I might have found out
how the boy in the house died.
- Lydia's son?
- [sighs] I didn't wanna tell you.
- You'd get upset 'cause he was murdered.
- I don't wanna know
He was murdered?
Why did you just tell me that?
- I thought you were asking me to.
- I was asking you not to.
Okay, it it's an unsolved murder
from three years ago.
- It was unsolved?
- It's in the past.
Oh, m
All right.
I'm sure a lot of Indigenous people
were also murdered on the block,
if that helps.
What kind of sick fuck
would I be if that helped?
The kind I love.
[sighs]
[quirky music playing]
Oh God. That's a bad sign.
- [Margo] Where's the "for sale" sign?
- [J.D.] That can't be good.
Definitely not good.
Let's not assume the worst.
We would've heard if it sold.
There's no way it's sold.
I told her we wanted it yesterday.
What other explanation is there?
Maybe they took it down
after they read our letter.
Yeah, but wouldn't Greg
have said something?
I can't believe
that bitch didn't say anything.
It's fine.
Maybe this is the sign we needed.
For what?
- That it isn't meant to be.
- What happened to feelin' so positive?
It got snuffed out
by a child's unsolved murder.
I mean, Lydia did look pretty haunted
the other day.
To be honest, I've been thinkin' about,
you know, maybe shakin' up
the old career, tryin' somethin' new.
What, like streaming?
Like movin' back to my hometown.
- Oklahoma?
- Yeah.
You can't be serious.
You have to admit the brother-in-law
who answered the door was creepy.
Extremely, but [huffs]
this is our dream home, okay?
I mean, we can't let
a little murder get in the way of that.
[sighs] You're right.
They actually call it the Great Plains.
It's just wide-open spaces.
- [barking and growling]
- [J.D.] Whoa, Mr. Bojangles.
- Easy, boy. Ah
- [growling]
- Hi, Phyllis.
- Come on, Mr. B, let's go.
[barking continues]
Hey, Margo?
Margo, what are you doin'?
I'll tell you what I'm not doing.
I am not giving up on your dream house.
Well, what about Possum's Hollow?
Fuck Possum's Hollow.
- [J.D.] It's a beautiful place.
- [doorbell rings]
[Paul] Were you expectin' anyone?
N not for the house.
I told Greg to take the sign down.
- [Paul] Course you did.
- [Mikey] I gotta go to the bathroom.
- That's what the bucket's for!
- [Mikey grunts]
[doorbell ringing repeatedly]
[Paul] Jesus, who the hell is that?
Where the hell are they?
They're in there. I hear clanging.
I don't know.
You don't think it could be
one of Mikey's friends, do you?
I doubt they ring doorbells.
It's probably just one of those
solar panel people. They're relentless.
- [doorbell continues ringing]
- Either way, when they leave, we do.
Be nice to get some fresh air.
[grunts in frustration]
- Okay, now where are you going?
- Just follow my lead.
[J.D.] Do you have a script I can follow?
Improv has never been my strong suit.
[Lydia] So, what? Our plan is
to let Mikey decompose in the walls
while we hide in the woods forever?
We're not hiding.
We're having tacos
and enjoying some peace and quiet.
Jacob would've loved this view.
You can see the stadium so clearly.
Yeah.
- [woman giggling]
- [gasps]
[splutters] What?
- That guy, he just proposed.
- What [sighs]
[Lydia gasps] Oh, look.
- Oh, they're so young and in love.
- [Paul] Okay. All right.
Talk to me in a few years when those hands
are around each other's necks.
- Do you even like me anymore?
- [Paul] What?
- [Lydia] Well, it's a legitimate question.
- Oh, come on. Why would you ask that?
Well, because everything I say or do
seems to really annoy you.
You've been dismissive.
Oh, could you just take a a day off
from breaking my balls, please?
- [scoffs]
- What? I just wanna relax.
- [Margo] Shut the fuck up.
- Why not--
Are you kidding me? Hi.
- [Paul laughs]
- [J.D.] Whoa!
- Oh my gosh. Well, hello.
- Wow. How about that?
[Margo] This is insane.
- We were literally just talking about you.
- [Paul] Oh boy.
- [Lydia] Really?
- Isn't that right, J.D.?
Indeed. Indeed, yes.
What are the odds
we'd run into our neighbors here?
Maybe the universe
is tryin' to tell us something.
Maybe we should move to a bigger city.
- [chuckles]
- [Margo giggles]
- Too true. [laughs]
- [Margo] Is that the plan?
'Cause we noticed
that the "for sale" sign was down.
And I was like, "Gosh, hope my girl Lydia
didn't accept an offer and not tell me."
- Uh, we took it off the market for a beat.
- [Paul] No.
No, but it's still for sale.
Just having second thoughts, or
- Maybe.
- I'm not.
Do, uh do you guys hike here often?
- Yeah. On special occasions.
- Never. I mean
- Yeah.
- It's my birthday.
- [Lydia] Oh!
- It is?
- I thought--
- Oh, stop!
He always pretends not to remember.
- [Paul chuckling]
- He's pretty funny.
- [Paul] Yeah.
- Guilty!
- No short-term memory whatsoever!
- [chuckling]
Just shot.
- Well, happy birthday.
- [Paul] Well, yeah.
- Thank you.
- It's a big day.
Thank you. It is. It's a big one. 33.
- [laughs] Wow.
- [Paul] Oh.
- That's a baby.
- Yeah, I mean, that's young. So young.
- We don't wanna interrupt your picnic.
- Yeah.
- [Paul] Yeah.
- [Lydia] Yeah.
But, um I mean,
unless you guys want company?
- Well, we were actually just heading back.
- [Paul] Oh Yeah.
[Lydia] Happy birthday.
- [Paul] All done.
- Aw, thank you.
Oh, you know what?
I should just head back
to the ladies' real quick.
You know me and my baby bladder. Hmm!
- [laughs] Bye.
- [Paul] Okay.
- [Margo] Ciao.
- [J.D.] Indeed.
- Indeed.
- [Lydia chuckles]
- [J.D.] A small world, huh?
- [Paul] Yeah, right?
- [Lydia] Yeah.
- [J.D.] Until they lose your luggage.
- [chuckles] Right?
- [Lydia] And then Yeah. No, it's
- [Paul] Yeah.
- [J.D.] Man.
[Leslie] Mmm, here we go.
Curbside delivery.
- Don't forget to tip your driver.
- Okay.
You okay? Vibe check?
Good. I'm good. Yeah.
- Because vibes matter.
- Uh-huh.
- All vibes matter?
- Nope.
- I love you.
- I love you.
[suspenseful music playing]
[sent notification beeps]
[Paul] The fuck is this?
Somebody slashed our tires.
Well, we're at a city park. You probably
drove over glass or something.
[Paul] On both tires?
And my phone has no reception. Great.
- [Lydia] Oh.
- [Paul] Oh, fuck.
Do you have a second phone?
It's Mikey's.
Oh my God. Mikey's guys.
Maybe they slashed our tires.
Okay, okay. Let's not jump to conclusions.
In fact, you know what?
Now that I look at it,
yeah, it's glass. You're right.
Uh, stop placating me.
No. What? No. It's a very glassy area.
Looks like people come here
just to break bottles.
- [Lydia] Ah
- Come on.
Let's find some better reception
and call a tow truck.
[Lydia] Okay.
[suspenseful music playing]
- [phone chimes]
- [music stops]
Hey, Siri. Read text.
[Siri] Greg the Realtor said,
"Hey, doll, sorry for delay."
"Was in sensory deprivation chamber."
"Bad news, house is off market."
"Good news, only because
Mr. Morgan's brother died very suddenly."
"So 'dot.'
Should be back in biz soon. Ta."
Would you like to reply?
Hey, Siri. Call Greg Realtor.
Calling Greg the Realtor.
[ringing tone]
[ice rattling]
Ah!
Everyone okay with tequila?
- Good for me.
- Sure.
[upbeat jazz starts playing]
[Lydia murmurs]
I can't believe you agreed
to come to their house.
What was I gonna say? They gave us a ride.
- It is her birthday, hmm?
- Uh, yeah.
- Thirty-three.
- Yeah.
Would you rather be there?
[Lydia] Oh jeez.
- [Mikey yelling]
- [Paul chuckles]
- At least he's using the bucket.
- [Mikey groans]
[alert chimes]
Oh Wow. You still have our sex alarm?
Eh, you know me. Never delete anything.
Hmm. I guess we've missed a few.
It's been three years.
All righty. Who wants a, uh Margo-rita?
This gal does.
Whoa.
- [Paul] Yeah.
- [laughs] Okay!
- [Paul] Thanks.
- [Lydia] Yeah. Oh wow.
- [J.D. grunts] Okay.
- [Paul] Okay. All right.
Careful. They're a bit spicy.
Much like the, uh senorita
they're named after.
- You would know. Come here.
- I--
- Uh Ow.
- [Margo] Mmm!
- [J.D.] Thank you.
- [Paul] Okay.
Thank you. All right. Thank you.
Appreciate it. Thank you.
Anyone interested in some hot tub action?
I believe I'll stay on dry land.
Aw. Lydia? Paul?
A little soak with the birthday girl?
Uh, sorry. I'm gonna pass.
Mm. Boo. Paul?
Oh, come on.
You know you want to. Come on.
Oh, come on. Please?
Uh, all right.
- Eh, what the hell? Yeah.
- [Margo] All right!
Okay. Careful. No lifeguard on duty.
- [laughs]
- [J.D.] Right?
- Yeah. Be careful. Yeah.
- [J.D.] Yeah.
[suspenseful music playing]
- Yay! Cookies?
- Yep.
And I spoke to Greg,
and we're still in the running.
- Okay?
- Okay!
They took the house off the market
for a second
to, uh, deal with
some family mishegoss thing.
Mishegoss?
Huh. Did he mention
what kind of mishegoss?
Uh, he Uh, what did he say?
[pops lips] Um
- Oh, you know exactly what he said.
- [sighs]
There might have been
a death in the family
of a creepy someone we met yesterday.
The brother-in-law is dead?
And I might have looked him up
and found out that he's a convicted felon
that might have been thrown in prison
three years ago.
- Which lines up with--
- I think Lydia killed him!
What? Jacob?
- No. The brother-in-law.
- What are you talking about?
[sighs] Okay.
I may have reloaded the Citizen app.
Of course you did.
And there may be a neighbor
who sent me a video of Lydia
maybe attacking the brother-in-law.
[Leslie] Did the neighbor
make it a boomerang?
And she may have also told me
that she has proof
that Jacob's murder was an inside job.
Because Paul, the husband, has a gun.
- What?
- Okay. I may have been snooping.
I saw him hide a gun in the piano
that mysteriously disappeared.
Oh my God!
Wait.
You don't think
- Lydia killed the son! What?
- Paul killed the son! What?
[suspenseful music playing]
- [water bubbling]
- [Paul] Ah!
Ah, this feels good.
I could use one of these babies.
You and Lydia should get one.
Oh, that'll never happen.
No, she hates anything to do with water.
Yeah. Hot tubs, pools, beaches.
Beaches? How does anyone hate a beach?
I love the beach.
She prefers mountains.
Well So, yeah, that's where we go.
Well, that's no fair.
You should get to do stuff
you like to do too.
I agree.
[clicks tongue]
Another Margo-rita?
Or is it too spicy for you?
[clicks tongue]
It is not too spicy for me.
Bring it on.
[J.D. winces]
[sighs]
- [Margo laughing]
- [J.D. chuckles softly]
[Paul] Oh God.
- [both laughing]
- [Paul] Yeah.
I still can't believe
we ended up at the park together.
- [Lydia] Huh.
- [chuckles]
I hope you don't think
we were stalkin' you.
Oh, well,
I didn't until you just said that.
No, I'm kidding.
- [chuckles] Can I--
- [laughs] Right!
- Can I help you with anything?
- No, no, no, I'm good.
I just popped
some arancini in the old air fryer.
- So we're covered.
- Oh, wow. Wow.
- I love that you cook.
- Huh.
Paul can't even crack an egg.
- Is that so?
- Yeah.
Yeah. No, I, uh I got really into it.
I portrayed a, uh a blind chef
in this Hallmark movie.
Love at First Bite. I, uh
- Maybe you saw it?
- No.
Well, anyhow, I, uh I actually got
to where I could decorate a cake
just looking off to one side.
Just kinda
- Yeah. Oh, uh-huh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, 'cause I believe that you're blind.
- Yeah.
- And yet I know that you're not.
- Yeah. See, now I'm cutting it.
- Oh, yeah, look at that. Good.
- Yeah.
- What's that, mime?
- [smacks lips]
See, it's vanilla. See, taste is
very important when you're sight-impaired.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- That's impressive.
- Right? Yeah, thank you. Ha!
- [laughs] Yeah. Huh.
Anyhow. No, I Actually, I
I used to cook a lot more.
I I just kinda stopped.
How come?
I I don't know. Uh, Harper got older,
and, uh, Margo's vegan after 2:00 p.m.
- Yeah.
- And, uh
Yeah, I mean, we
we barely eat together anymore.
- Yeah.
- I don't know what happened.
Um yeah, it seemed like
such a simple thing, uh
Yeah.
Wish I could get it back.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
- Yeah.
[beeping]
Okay. Shall we dig into those balls?
- Excuse me, the rice balls. The arancini.
- I know what you meant.
- Okay, sorry.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna cancel you.
- [both laugh]
- I know! Ev
Everyone's so worried about that. Okay.
Okay, but to be fair,
she hates everybody on the block.
[Paul] Yeah. Oh yeah.
If Phyllis had her druthers,
we'd all be dead,
and she would rule the street
with that stupid dog, Mr. Jumanji.
- Whatever the fuck his name is.
- [laughs] Bojangles! Mr. Bojangles.
- Bojangles?
- Yes!
- Yeah, that makes more sense.
- [laughs]
'Cause he's such a great dancer. I see it.
- He's
- [laughing]
I'm having such a great time.
Are you?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I
[as Groucho Marx] I've had a perfectly
wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Who's that?
That's Groucho. That's the
- The Marx brothers. What?
- Oh, okay.
- I think my grandpa liked them.
- Oh, your grandpa.
I get it. I'm old.
- Thank you.
- That's okay. I like old things.
Well, go fuck yourself.
Okay. Wanna watch?
Uh
[sighs]
[giggles]
[sniffs]
[tense music playing]
Actually, you know what?
I think I'm gonna get out.
- What? No. Come on.
- Yeah.
- It was just It was a bad joke.
- No, I know.
- I was kidding.
- I know. It's not that. I I'm just
- It's hot. I've been in here--
- No. Shit, I'm sorry.
- [Paul sighs] Uh
- Shit!
Uh I just We were having so much fun.
- And then I just ruined it.
- No.
- You didn't ruin it.
- I did.
- You didn't.
- I do this.
- I did.
- I'm telling you the truth. It's fine.
No, it's not fine. It's not fine, okay?
- [Paul sighs]
- I'm a mess.
I don't know what's going on
with me lately. I just
I barely recognize myself anymore.
Or J. D.
It's like I I'm not even married
to the same person.
And because he's depressed,
I'm depressed.
And then I have to act like
I'm not depressed
because then
he'll just get more depressed.
[whispers] And I honestly don't know
what he would do.
Yeah. Sorry. That's, uh
That sounds rough.
I know I'm only 33, but I am so tired.
[sniffles] And I want my marriage to work.
I want it to last, but
["Your Song" playing on piano]
I don't know.
Sometimes, I just want a break.
Hmm.
[J.D.] It's a little bit funny ♪
That feelin' inside ♪
Now I'm not one of those ♪
Who can easily hide ♪
I don't have much money ♪
- Margo spends like a fool ♪
- [Lydia chuckles]
And we got Harper in private school ♪
But, boy, if I did ♪
I'd buy a big house where we both ♪
- [playing off-key]
- Could ♪
Shoot, I got lost.
Yeah. Oh, no. I think it's actually
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Show me.
- Yeah.
And you can tell everybody ♪
That this is your song ♪
No, keep goin'! It sounded great.
I for I forgot it.
- It was wonderful.
- [laughs] Yeah.
- [chuckles]
- Where So where did you learn?
Oh, I, uh, I taught myself
as a gift for my first wife.
- Oh.
- She really loved Elton.
- Ah.
- And Miguel, her tango teacher.
- Oh. That's a tough pill.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [both chuckle]
Wow. I didn't know
I didn't realize you were married before.
- Yeah. Yeah, twice.
- Oh!
Well, the first one
only lasted six months.
- You know, we were pretty young.
- Oh.
- And not that smart, but, uh
- Yeah.
Well, I was married to Harp's mom for 13.
- Years?
- Months.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Harp's actually
with her mother this week.
Yeah.
[J.D.] You know
Well, I don't mean
to put you on the spot, but
[inhales]
Margo and I have
uh, kind of been
working through some stuff,
and I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Oh!
- [J.D.] Yeah.
- Oh.
Well yeah, I mean,
you know, whatever it is,
I'm sure you guys are gonna find your way.
- [chuckles] Yeah.
- Yeah.
Right.
Okay, Miss Philharmonic.
Your turn. Come on.
- Oh, no.
- Dazzle me.
- I can't.
- Please.
- I can't, really.
- Sure, you can.
I really can't.
I I haven't been able to,
um, since my son died.
So
[sniffles]
[J.D.] I'm sorry, Lydia.
What? Oh gosh. What's happening?
- No.
- [J.D. sobs]
It's okay.
- No, it's not.
- It's not, but
[inhales]
[emotional music playing]
Margo and I were here that night.
And uh
Well, we heard the robber
in the house. [sighs]
[loud clattering]
[Margo] What was that?
[J.D., echoing] I got this.
[tense music playing]
[J.D.] And what I did was
I hid
in the closet.
I coulda stopped him,
but I just wasn't man enough.
I was scared, and that's not right.
No.
[emotional music playing]
You didn't do anything wrong.
We own a gun.
And it was right there.
And I hate myself for not using it.
Uh you would hate yourself
more if you had.
Trust me.
- Excuse me, uh
- No!
- No, I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.
I mean, the song was bad enough.
[Lydia] No, no. Well
- [Sarah] I have a relationship with her.
- [Leslie] Just just
- [Sarah] So
- [Leslie] Okay.
- All right.
- [sighs]
Are we sure
we wanna go down this rabbit hole?
We're already down it, Alice.
There's no going back.
Mrs. Bojangles?
Call me Phyllis.
Get ready to have your minds blown.
[dramatic music playing]
[Leslie sighs]
[door opens]
[music fades]
[water running]
She's actually kind of fun.
I, uh I really like Lydia.
Paul was a real bore. Full snooze.
But I think I might have convinced him
to sell us the house.
- Yeah? How?
- I just told him what he wanted to hear.
[J.D.] Huh.
Looks like you, uh lost a nail.
[suspenseful music playing]
Oh!
Must've come off in the hot tub.
Remind me to get it
out of the filter tomorrow.
So what could you, uh,
have possibly been talkin' about
with that guy all night?
Ugh, he's an actor.
He talked about himself the whole time.
- [Paul] Yeah. Right?
- What about you and Margo?
Ah, you know, I I did
my Groucho Marx impression.
- [Lydia] Uh-huh.
- [Paul] Yeah.
And she claimed not to know who he was.
- [Lydia] Come on!
- [Paul] I know, right?
- [Lydia] God.
- Yeah, I can't put my finger on it.
But there's somethin' off about her.
Uh, yeah, like her age?
- Thirty-three, my ass.
- Yeah, right? I know.
- My God!
- I was like, "Come on, sweetheart."
- "You're not foolin' anybody."
- Right!
- Ha!
- Except her husband.
Ah! Indeed.
- [as J.D.] Indeed!
- [laughing] Right! Yes!
- Ah. You wanna hear somethin' nuts?
- Huh?
She offered me 200 over asking
for the house.
- [Lydia] She did?
- Mm-hmm.
What did you say?
I told her that you'd rather light
the house on fire than sell it to her.
- You did not.
- I did not.
But I did tell her that, uh,
I'm gonna leave the deciding up to you.
["Home Sweet Home" resumes]
Thank you.
I'm on my way ♪
I'm on my way ♪
Home sweet home ♪
- [music stops]
- [doorbell rings]
- Fuck me. What--
- Ignore it.
- I'm on my way ♪
- [doorbell ringing repeatedly]
I'm on my way ♪
Home sweet home ♪
- Tonight ♪
- [music stops]
- Shit, it's a cop.
- A cop?
Why why would a cop
Why would the cops be here?
I don't know!
[suspenseful music playing]
Everything okay, officer?
Hey, Uncle Paul.
Hey, Nate.
[dramatic music playing]