No Good Nick (2019) s02e03 Episode Script

The Trojan Horse

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
I am telling you guys, '88 through '92.
Those were the glory days.
Your boy Eddie had the boom box, the flat top, the cut-offs and the pump-ups.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I don't know what any of those words mean.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It means he was bullied a lot in high school.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Not even, dude.
I was the jock who defended the nerds from the burnouts.
And when we had a beef, we didn't cyberbully or whatever.
We solved things the proper way.
On the dance floor! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE WOOING.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, I'm out.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Is this what Ed was like in high school? Luckily, we didn't go to the same high school.
And that is the reason that Molly and Jeremy are alive today.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Why are we talking about the '90s anyway? Because tomorrow, the '90s are coming to Duniway High.
We'll be at your school tomorrow because they're going to open the time capsule that my senior class buried in 1994.
And under my firm leadership, the PTA is making a whole thing out of it.
For one pretty fly day, we are going to be wearing old school clothes, - pumping some throwback jams.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
And I'll flaunt my accomplishments in the face of my old nemesis.
Wait, you had a nemesis? [SCOFFS.]
Oh, yeah.
Cheri Middendorf.
We were best friends our whole lives until senior year.
She thought she was too cool for me and we had a falling out.
- Really? - [LIZ.]
Oh, yeah.
She acted like she was so much better than me.
Well, I can't wait to strut right up to her and rub all my success right in her smug little face.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Speaking of smug, Becky's been the worst.
She keeps posting selfies with Tamika and Xuan.
She didn't invite me to hang out.
It's like she doesn't want me in the squad anymore.
I guess all my friends are letting me down.
[AUDIENCE OOHS.]
You should talk to her.
You and Becky have been friends since third grade.
I'm sure you can work it out.
It's no use.
Becky cares more about posting exclusive content on her phone than about our friendship.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Man, things were much easier back in the '90s when the only content we had to worry about was the explicit content on our 2 Live Crew cassettes.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You make the '90s sound so cool.
I just wish we could experience it the way you did.
Don't worry, you will.
Will we though? How are we supposed to truly throw back if we are just glued to our phones all day? [SIGHS.]
That would be such a missed opportunity.
You know what? You just gave me a totally boss idea.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Bring out your phones, bring out your phones.
What are you doing? We're confiscating everyone's phones to make '90s Day more authentic.
- What? - It's the brainchild of some demented PTA parent.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Don't worry.
It's only until the end of the day when we all time warp back from Ye Olden Days.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But, for now, smartphones don't exist.
So hand them over and we'll give you a claim ticket.
- Way harsh.
I know.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But these phones are super expensive.
How do we even know they'll be safe? Well, Jim and I will be personally ensuring the safety of these phones by guarding the storage room ourselves.
Boy today is going to suck.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT OPENING CREDITS PLAYING.]
What are we supposed to do now? How are we supposed to get to class on time when we don't even know what time it is? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- There's a clock on the wall.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I think it's 9:80.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You never learned how to read a clock? I never had to, man! I never had to.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
This is a violation of our basic human rights.
I will not let this stand.
Making this all about herself, like usual.
[AUDIENCE OOHS.]
[NICK.]
Hey Look, I know you're still upset about what happened at poker night.
I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.
So why weren't you there for me? Look, I know this is no excuse for blowing you off, but I almost kissed Will! - What? - Ssh! - Oh, my God! - [CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I'm so relieved it wasn't about me.
I thought there was something up between us.
Now, tell me everything! [NICK LAUGHS.]
Wait, there he is! Go talk to him, then tell me everything.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I've been wondering where you were.
I've been running from the law.
It's a cold world.
Especially for a couple of cons like us.
Cons? You know? Poker night.
We stacked the deck, almost won an ATV.
[CHUCKLES.]
[NICK CHUCKLES.]
Well that's not exactly the main thing I remember from that night.
Oh, yeah - That.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I think we were standing about right here, weren't we? When we got - interrupted.
- [EXHALES.]
Honestly though, low-key glad we didn't win.
- [NICK CHUCKLES.]
- ATVs are such a pain.
You make all this effort to take them off-roading and they're fun for like, what, five minutes? The juice isn't worth the squeeze.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
Totally.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[AUDIENCE CHEERS.]
[GASPS.]
There she is.
I've been waiting 25 years to take down that piece of - Cheri! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, my gosh, it's so good to see you! - Liz Flanagan! It has been too long.
- Right? I'm just glad I could make it.
I've been so busy with my restaurant, Crescendo.
We just got voted best Italian in Portland, so, you know [EXHALES.]
Congratulations.
My husband and I were just in Italy.
We did a whole food tour.
You must go all the time for research.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Well [SCOFFS.]
I've been way too busy.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Oh, you must go.
A month was just not long enough.
But I had to fly back and perform emergency brain surgery at the inner city hospital where I donate my time.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Life is just so crazy.
Well [CHUCKLES.]
you know.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Totally.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It's time.
Hello, everyone! It's me, Cheri, your class president slash homecoming queen.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CROWD CHEERS.]
And I'm Liz, your class mate.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [RANDOM CLAPPING.]
Whoo! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
So our goal as time capsule committee was to tell kids of the future what it was like to be a kid in 1994.
What mattered to us, what inspired us, what entertained us.
So without further ado [GASPS.]
Hello, old friend.
This is a Walkman with our class of '94 mixtape featuring "Whoomp! There It Is.
" [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
And in the news, Tupac Tonya Harding Kurt Cobain OJ Wow, not a good year for role models.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, look, here's a copy of our school newspaper.
"Cooking Competition Marred By Ugly Controversy.
" [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
I forgot all about that.
Liz, do you remember this? Um Yeah, here's a photo of you trying to wrestle away my first place trophy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I don't remember putting that in there.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Thank God we grew out of all that, right? Well, that explains a lot.
What do you mean? Why you're such a terrible loser.
I guess it just runs in the family.
[AUDIENCE OOHS.]
[SCOFFS.]
You're the one being terrible.
You've been excluding me all week.
You've been excluding yourself, because you're not a team player unless you get your way.
When do I ever get anything my way? Oh, Hunter, there you are.
Pixie told me to tell you that Zach said to move all the props from the school play out of the drama room ASAP.
They're using it for the trivia contest.
Wait, really? I didn't hear about that.
I know, we don't have our phones.
But here's a text from the '90s.
It's called a note.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Hey, come on.
It's free period.
You have to hear what Becky just said to me.
I got roped into '90s Day stuff.
I have to go to the library to organize the trivia contest.
I'll come help.
I need to hear what happened with Will.
[SIGHS.]
The thing is Will's going to be there.
Say no more.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [NICK CHUCKLES.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey, Boss, so for book club this month, I was thinking how about The Fault In Our Stars? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I could use a good cry.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
We've been reading so much modern lit.
Can't we do something more classic? [WHEELS ROLLING.]
Like something with a big wooden horse? Exactly.
What made you think of that? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hunter gave me this.
I guess this horse prop from The Iliad needs to be stored here for one hour.
Really? That's oddly specific.
Well, I would text and ask, but, you know [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Let me go suss it out.
- [LOCK CLICKS OPEN.]
This looks like a job for the student council's top-rated private investigator.
Yeah, you are! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Go for it, Jimbo.
[WHEELS ROLLING.]
So [SIGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
here we are.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Here we are.
It's been hard to get a moment alone together since poker night.
Yeah.
I've been thinking a lot about that night.
Me too.
We should hang out.
We could grab dinner.
Do you like nachos? They're my favorite.
Except I can't stand [TOGETHER.]
Olives.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
We could grab nachos and maybe watch a movie? Do you like political thrillers? Of course.
My favorite's got to be [TOGETHER.]
All The President's Men.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
And the best line has to be [TOGETHER.]
"Follow the money.
" [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Dude, this is going to be perfect.
[ELECTRONIC INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [SLOT CREAKS OPEN.]
[AUDIENCE OOHS.]
[SOMEONE SNEEZES.]
[HUSHED.]
Hey, who's there? [SIGHS.]
The jig is up, Sneezy.
Either you come down here or I'm telling everyone about the rat in the walls.
- [SLAT BANGS OPEN.]
- [FEET THUD.]
Well what if I tell them about the thief in the horse? [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[CASE SLAMS SHUT.]
You know, I remember putting everything in that time capsule except that school newspaper.
You snuck that in there back then just to embarrass me, didn't you? Liz, you're right.
I'm so sorry.
I did put that newspaper in there and it was It was petty of me.
But I'm a grown-up now.
I'm a different person.
- Oh, drop the act.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay? You're no different than you were back then, bragging about your fancy career and your Italian villas.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Liz, it's not a competition.
Then stop trying to win! I'm not trying to win.
- I won.
- [GASPS.]
[AUDIENCE OOHS.]
Just like I won that cooking competition back then.
I made pan-fried scallops with acorn squash served two ways.
- Two ways! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You made Rice Krispie treats.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
'90s Day finally got interesting.
I so wish I had my phone right now.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
And yet, who won the trophy? [STAMMERS.]
Only because you turned it into a popularity contest.
You could never handle me beating you at anything.
Well that is no excuse for what you did.
Honey what did you do? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
She broke into my locker.
I only stole what was rightfully mine.
I deserved it.
I was the best chef! Stole what? What did you steal? [TOGETHER.]
The golden spatula.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay, so [ED SIGHS.]
you beat her and won a golden spatula [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
and then you stole the golden spatula? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
And now here you are 25 years later, still fighting over the golden spatula.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Only because of her pathetic refusal to admit that I am better than her! [GASPS.]
You are still a mean, mean girl, - Cheri Middendorf! - Oh ! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [CHERI SQUEAKS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT ROCK INSTRUMENTALS.]
You actually crawled through the vent.
Impressive.
And you smuggled yourself in here inside a horse.
Classic.
So what are you doing here? Look, you can drop the act.
I know why you're here.
You've been tracking me.
"The juice isn't worth the squeeze"? No one says that except for Sam and Dorothy.
You're a Harbaugh kid.
And a Harbaugh spy.
[AUDIENCE OOHS.]
Fine.
You got me.
Sam and Dorothy sent me over here to make sure you were delivering what was promised instead of stealing for yourself.
So, when I drop in here and see you stuffing phones in a bag I guess I got my answer.
I'm stealing these for the Harbaughs.
Like I'm supposed to believe that.
And what am I supposed to believe? That moment in the hallway when we almost It was all an act, wasn't it? No.
No, it was real.
I keep telling myself, "Don't get distracted," and I can't help it.
I wish things were different.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[BELL RINGS.]
They're supposed to come back for the Trojan Horse soon, so unless you want to get caught, I suggest we get out of here.
Okay.
What about the phones? The way I see it, there's at least 20 grand worth of phones in this room.
We wipe them, sell them and give the Harbaughs their half like usual, but you and me can split the rest.
- There's plenty to go around.
- [PHONE RATTLE.]
Are you saying we should work together? We already know we make a good team.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
So we have the same favorite food, same favorite movie, same favorite shape.
- The trapezoid.
Oh - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
who's your favorite president? Er Probably JFK.
Nice.
Solid choice.
So Oswald couldn't have acted alone.
- That much is obvious, right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
So, then who fired the magic bullet, you ask? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Well, I've got it narrowed down to the Cuban government, the mob or LBJ himself.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Wait, you're a conspiracy theorist? If the world is shrouded in darkness am I so crazy for turning on a light? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Please tell me you're not one of those people who thinks the Earth is flat.
No! I'm not insane.
I'm just a speaker of truth.
Like, you know Elvis is still alive, right? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
He's a school bus driver in Hong Kong.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [THUD.]
Hey, did you hear that noise? What noise? I'm here for the horse.
They want it back already? It's probably some sort of Trojan Horse conspiracy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[KEYS JINGLE.]
Just take it.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [WHEELS RATTLING.]
- Nick, this plan is amazing.
You're a genius.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
Someone's coming! So? I can handle whoever.
It's Jim.
He's going to have questions.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Boss? Something's up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[NICK.]
You're stepping on my hand! [WILL.]
Ow! Your elbow is in my face! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Alright, I tracked down every teacher, student and student teacher in the theater department, and that horse was never supposed to be moved.
I knew there was something fishy going on.
Probably the Illuminati.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Where's the horse now? I just saw it abandoned in the hallway.
Eric, stay here and guard the phones.
Jim, let's rustle up that horse.
[WHOOSHING NOISE.]
It was right here, I swear.
We have to find it.
Let's keep looking.
Besides, I could use a little break from Eric anyway.
Yeah.
I hear you, Boss.
That dude's like that movie Inception.
It's all cool at first, but at some point, you realize, "Wait, this makes no sense.
" [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[WHEELS KNOCK DOOR.]
The coast is clear.
- We do make a great team.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hand me the phones.
We'll leave the horse behind.
[NICK EXHALES.]
[WILL GRUNTS.]
[RETREATING FOOTSTEPS.]
[GASPS.]
Back-stabber! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Mom, are you okay? I'm fine.
I'm always fine.
I'm me.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- You don't seem fine.
I'm just embarrassed.
That Cheri is a terrible person.
No, I'm embarrassed that I thought, after all these years, I could walk in here and throw my great life in Cheri's face and somehow, that would make me feel better.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah, but the truth is, these things that haunt us in high school, if we don't deal with them, we never really get over them.
So, what's the deal with you and Cheri? Well, we were best friends our entire lives, but if I'm being honest with myself, we were always competitive with each other.
Kind of like me and Becky.
I blamed it all on her back then, but it was me, too.
So - what happened in that contest? - [SCOFFS.]
That was the first and last time I ever lost.
But that was also a really big moment for me.
You know, that contest was the first time I realized I loved cooking.
Problem was, - the thing I loved more was - Winning.
[EXHALES.]
There was a point where Cheri and I could have worked things out, but instead, our friendship turned into pure rivalry and became nasty.
If you and Becky work things out now you can save yourself from getting caught up in a whole quarter-of-a-century-long grudge.
Yikes.
It's really bad when I say it like that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Thanks, Mom.
- [SIGHS.]
[AUDIENCE AWWS.]
Will? What are you doing? What's in the bag? Oh, this bag? [CHUCKLES.]
Funny story, actually.
Um, it's filled with Prizes.
Will has the prizes for the '90s trivia contest.
I told you I would help.
- Come on, I'll show you where it is.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Thanks, Nick.
- You're the best.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
What is up with Nick and that boy? As Dad might say, I'm getting the deets tonight.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
You can't stop me, you know.
You don't have to do this.
I really like you.
But my mom comes first.
I need this money for when she gets out of jail.
You, of all people, should understand that.
Goodbye, Nick.
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
Hey, you.
Stop right there.
Alright kid, what's in the bag? Hand it over.
Whoa.
What do we have here? - Listen, I can explain - Save it.
Look, here's how this is going to go down.
I'm going to take these phones into evidence, and then I'm turning you into the principal.
So don't move.
Got it? - Hey! Hey, come back here! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I said don't move! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Sam, Dorothy, it's me.
Listen.
I know all about your little rat, Will.
And I was just about to secure a $20,000 score for you.
But you ruined everything by getting paranoid and sending him in.
So here's a pro tip for next time.
Don't mess with me! [UPBEAT ROCK INSTRUMENTALS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey.
How are you holding up? Well I guess I haven't changed much since high school after all.
You want to know how I got through high school? I got along with everybody, avoided confrontation.
And it did make me popular.
Sounds smart.
Yeah, but that also meant there were times when I had to put on an act or I couldn't really be myself.
I respect you because you are always true to who you are.
Even back then.
- I love you.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Love you.
[LIZ SIGHS.]
Cheri - [CHERI GROANS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I just want to say I'm sorry.
I should have just talked to you back then and worked things out instead of holding onto it all these years.
And as much as I blamed you, it was just as much my fault.
Thank you for saying that.
It means a lot to me and I'm sorry, too.
I should have been a better friend.
It's never too late to start over.
Friends? Friends.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, you should come see us in Carmel.
My husband and I would love to host you on our yacht.
That sounds great.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, say just out of curiosity, whatever happened to that silly old spatula? [SIGHS.]
I wish I knew.
But if I still had it, I would give it back to you right now.
[EXHALES.]
Okay.
Hey, Becky, can we talk for a sec? [SIGHS.]
What is it, Molly? What can you say to me that we haven't already been over a thousand times? I made you something.
Is that a a friendship bracelet? It's pink and green.
I still remember the first day of third grade.
I was the new kid at school.
I was so scared and no one would talk to me.
But then you came up.
You said you liked my pink overalls.
I said I liked your green jacket.
Right away, I knew we were going to be friends.
[EXHALES.]
Whatever happened to us? I don't know.
It used to be so easy.
And then we hit middle school, I guess.
And then we got our phones and everything became so competitive.
But what really matters is our friendship.
Man, I miss this, Molly.
Thank you for talking to me.
For real.
Thank you for being nice to the little girl in the pink overalls.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [BECKY.]
Aw.
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[AUDIENCE AWWS.]
Hey.
I haven't seen you all day.
Yeah, it's been crazy.
I saw Will before.
How's that going? Yeah, that's not a thing.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, me too.
What about Eric? I think I liked the idea of him more than the reality.
I know exactly what you mean.
[EXHALES.]
- [AUDIENCE AWWS.]
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey, there's Nick.
Where's she been all day? With Will.
They spent free period in the library working on '90s Day.
No, they didn't.
I was in the library during free period.
They weren't there.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Maybe they had a change of plans.
Nick told me she had to get all the prizes to the trivia contest.
No, they didn't.
My dad brought all the trivia contest prizes.
[JEREMY.]
Okay, everyone.
Line up single file and have your claim tickets in hand.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
But wait, why would Nick lie about that? Hey, guys, uh, the phones they're all gone.
- [ALL.]
What? - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
So my '90s Day unplugged idea was a big hit, Molly patched things up with Becky and you made up with Cheri.
I'm so proud of you, by the way.
Very mature.
Yeah.
About that Whoomp, there it is.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Wait [CHUCKLES, SIGHS.]
You kept the golden spatula? Hell, yeah, I kept it! I'm the one that deserves it.
Ha! In your face, Cheri Middendorf.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You're going to be so good on Top Chef.
- [SLAP BRACELET SLAPS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Give me a root beer.
- Neat.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It's been a rough day, Phil.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [GLASS SLIDES.]
Hey, you.
There you are.
Oh, God, this stupid, cheap costume's itchy.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [NICK LAUGHS.]
You were great, Mr.
Garland.
- [EXHALES.]
- He totally bought it.
Did you deliver the phones to Paul? Oh, I sure did, Nicky.
That was some heist, huh? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Bit close at the end, though.
That kid almost screwed everything up.
Yeah.
Will made things way too complicated.
I'm glad he's gone.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[EXHALES.]
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Sam.
It's me.
Hey, so I messed up.
I blew my cover and I can't go back to that school.
No, I don't want off my mission.
I'm going to watch Nick closer than ever.
I'm going to find out what she's really up to.
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
- No matter how long it takes.