No Good Nick (2019) s02e06 Episode Script
The Mystery Shopper
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
They were working together to take down our restaurant.
Collusion.
[SCOFFS.]
That's rough, man.
Though not technically a crime.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It gets worse.
They're opening Liz's new restaurant right in our old spot.
Todd, they didn't just take away my past.
They're taking away my future.
So what are you going to do? I don't know.
When I first moved in with them, I wanted justice for me and my dad.
I wanted to make them pay.
But then I felt like part of the family.
And I thought I had forgiven them.
But now this? I guess I have to take them down.
Great.
So what's stopping you? Molly.
She's my best friend.
She's the one who welcomed me into the family.
She shared her room with me.
She always stands up for me.
On the other hand she really hurt you.
I know, but what if she's changed? What if she's sorry for what she did? [SIGHS.]
So what I'm hearing is that you're mad.
You're hurt.
But you also care for her.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You want to forgive her.
Exactly.
But first, I need to know she's sorry.
Then I can put this all behind me.
Really? I would have to.
Because there's no way I could hurt the Thompsons without hurting Molly.
So find out if you can forgive her before you do something that can't be undone.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, when did you get to be so smart? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I have a BA in sports management, bro.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- And I took a Coursera in psychology.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Just give me the ATV money.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
There you go.
Five grand.
Actually, it's 4,990.
I deducted ten bucks for my suit.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I know, I know, but I'm worth it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Don't freak but I got Nick's fingerprints.
- [BOOK THUDS CLOSED.]
- Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? Don't worry.
I haven't uploaded them to the background check website yet.
I mean, what if you're right? What if I get the results and she is who she says she is and then she finds out I did this? Then I lose my best friend.
And what if you're wrong and she's been lying this whole time? What's it going to take for you to trust her? Do you want to strap her to a lie detector? Give her truth serum? Make her take a psych evaluation? That's it.
I can give her a personality test! [INHALES.]
Like one of those Teen Vogue quizzes that'll tell you which Anne Hathaway movie she is.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
No, I'll administer the Myers-Briggs psychological test to see if she's trustworthy.
It's incredibly accurate.
If she passes, then I can forget about the fingerprints and we can stay best friends.
I bet she's Interstellar.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT OPENING CREDITS THEME PLAYING.]
Guys, I'm freaking out and I need your help.
You haven't said that since 2011 when that raccoon wouldn't leave the front porch.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- They have human hands.
- It's very scary.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, what do you need help with? [SIGHS.]
My FaceTime audition for Top Chef is in a few days.
This is my third shot at getting on the show.
I always get partway through the process and then I don't get on.
Hey, well, it's competitive.
Lots of people don't get on.
- Well, lots of people aren't me.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I am the best Italian chef in the entire Pacific Northwest.
- And modest to boot.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It's not my cooking.
So it must be my [CAREFULLY EXHALES.]
[QUICKLY INHALES.]
personality.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Look, I know I'm not the most likable person.
- What? No.
Absolutely not.
- You What - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
For some reason, I rub people the wrong way.
And I've never been popular.
- You are popular with us.
- Well, you don't matter.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You're not Top Chef producers, okay? What if I get Middendorfed? - Middendorfed? - Yeah.
Cheri Middendorf won that stupid Golden Spatula back in high school just because she was more popular.
What if that happens all over again? Honey This isn't high school.
It's reality TV.
- They're the same.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, the bottom line is, whatever I've been doing in the past hasn't worked, so I need to change it up.
Ed, everyone loves you.
You're the life of the party.
- It's my gift.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
And, Jeremy, despite your pretentiousness, you keep getting elected.
- Despite my pretentiousness? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
The point is, you guys know how to make people like you.
Alright, I know.
Why don't we do a mock episode where we put you in a situation where we see you as a contestant? Then we can evaluate where you're going wrong.
Yes! You know, I do like criticizing people.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, but remember, your job is to critique me as a contestant, not in my role as wife or mother.
I would never critique you as my wife.
That's what you negotiated in the prenup.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey, I've been waiting for you.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- You have to take this personality test.
When you come home, are you, A, happy to have someone there or, B, you'd rather have time to yourself? A, I guess.
Agree or disagree.
It is often difficult for you to relate to other people's feelings? Disagree.
So crazy about Liz's new restaurant, huh? Yeah, it's cool.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I didn't know the restaurant that used to be in that space was also Italian.
Mm-hm.
So anyway, on a scale from one to ten, how involved do you get in the story when watching TV? I don't know.
Eight? Whoa! The restaurant had all five-star reviews and then, all of a sudden, a bunch of one-star reviews.
Weird, right? Not really.
Can we just focus on the quiz? Oh, look, you wrote a review! "I went to Franzelli's and you can taste the anguish in every bite of their irresponsible veal Parmesan.
" Huh.
I didn't think you ate veal.
Well, I never actually ate there.
Then why did you write this review? To help my mom.
You know, take out the competition.
Guess it worked.
They went out of business.
You must feel terrible.
Right? Why would I? Look, you don't seem too into this quiz.
Maybe we can just finish it tomorrow.
Yeah.
Sure.
[NICK.]
Whatever.
- [LIGHT CLICKS OFF.]
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[TEARING SOUND.]
So how does this scam work? Simple.
We rebrand this cheap drugstore crap as premium eco-friendly products and sell it as a subscription box.
- Purpose Package, goods with a purpose.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Nice.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Take advantage of all those naive do-gooders.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [TODD.]
Hmm.
Actually, this is pretty moisturizing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
How much do you think we'll make? I don't know.
That's not the main goal.
Whoa, pump the brakes.
- Back it up.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Making money is not the main goal? We're going to provide Molly with an opportunity for self-growth.
[SCOFFS.]
You sound like my mom.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Molly showed zero remorse about posting those Yelp reviews.
At first, I was mad at her.
But then, I realized that Molly just doesn't understand.
If she could see for herself how awful the things she did really were, then I'm sure she'll feel sorry.
So you're going to teach her a lesson.
Yep.
I want us to stay best friends.
And that can't happen until she's sorry.
Okay.
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Alright.
Remember, Mom, just be yourself for this challenge.
We need to get a baseline.
Right, right.
Be my not-good-enough self.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
Judge chef - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
who's ready to take a ride on the Flavor Express? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- What the hell is this? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm Eddie Von Sizzle.
A little blue collar, a little adventure.
- Lot of sexy.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- You dyed your hair? - [REGULAR ACCENT.]
Yeah.
You like it? - Unfortunately, it only lasts six washes.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
No, I don't like it.
Why are you doing this? To make it realistic.
Interacting with kooky contestants is a big part of the show.
Okay.
But is it necessary to play all the Top Chef stereotypes at once? - Aren't you a feisty jalapeno? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Alright, contestants, your first challenge is show me yourself on a plate.
Ha! That's easy.
- You're going down, Pepper Pants.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
She likes them.
[UPBEAT POP INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey, this box came for you.
Purpose Package? - Have you ever heard of this? - Nope.
"Dear Ms.
Thompson we hope you will enjoy our eco and labor-friendly products.
All profits from the sale of Purpose Package are donated to charity.
We've sent this to you because you are a committed activist and influencer.
If you like these products, please share them with your friends and review us on social media.
" Whoa, this stuff looks really nice.
Can you believe they're sending me all of this stuff for free? Sure.
You're super influential.
That's true.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I just feel so blessed to be able to use my power to help people.
[CHUCKLES, GASPS.]
Ooh, volcanic lava masks.
Let's do them together.
That sounds fun! And we can finish that personality test.
Yeah, and then I can help you with your Purpose Package reviews.
Great.
After the personality test.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Accompanying the chicken scallopini is a side of tarragon and a few chanterelles.
To reach maximum infusion, you must have a vacuum seal, making sure to reduce the pressure before the liquid overflows.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
But how does this show you on a plate? This dish highlights my technical excellency - and tarragon is my signature ingredient.
- [JEREMY.]
Hmm.
But why? What is the personal connection? What does the tarragon say about you? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
That I like tarragon.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Eddie tell us about your mac and cheese.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
What we have here is your classic comfort food with a side of hot.
[REGULAR ACCENT.]
Not literally.
That would be disgusting.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
The pasta elbows show you that I like to throw you a bit of a curve.
And the sauce is my sense of humor.
Cheesy.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [JEREMY.]
Mm.
Nice.
I declare Eddie Von Sizzle the winner of this challenge.
What? Are you insane? I cooked circles around him.
He made mac and cheese, from a box.
And he didn't even do it right.
I mean, look at those lumps.
[SCOFFS.]
You know what? This is Cheri Middendorf all over again! Okay.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
- Mom, I think I see what the problem is.
While it is true that Dad needs to work on basic stirring [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
the challenge was to show yourself on a plate.
Dad was fun.
You were clinical and boring.
[LIZ GASPS.]
Hun, you have a lot of personality.
You just have to let it shine through in the context of a cooking competition.
Maybe try to be a little less formal and more colorful.
You're right.
Yeah, I do.
I have tons of personality.
I am overflowing with personality.
[LAUGHS.]
Watch out, judge, because you're about to get hit with a bucket full of personality for the next challenge.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Now can I ask what tarragon is? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
The Oregon marionberry jam was good, but I think I liked the fair-trade chocolate best.
Me too.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I had so much fun with you last night.
I feel like it's been forever since we just hung out.
Molly, Purpose Package is blowing up.
It already has 2,000 followers and that's all from your reviews.
Thanks for the scarf.
I'm not sure what makes me feel warmer, the Merino wool or the fuzzy feeling of helping small businesses in our community.
I think it's the wool.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It's a very tight knit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Either way, it fits with our new philosophy.
Think global, buy local.
[LOCKER LOCK SQUEAKS.]
Oh, hey, Molly.
Thanks for the organic lavender lip rescue.
I can actually feel it healing my lips.
All while preserving the bees' natural habitat.
The whole water polo team is ordering Purpose Packages because of your reviews.
Thanks, fam.
How does it feel to know that your words are so powerful? Honestly? - It makes me feel like a superhero.
- [LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Nick and I are back.
I gave her the personality test and she scored off the charts on reliability, loyalty and compassion for others.
That is great news.
She has the highest-rated personality for trustworthiness.
Hmm.
Well, what about all the lies you supposedly caught her in? Well, I guess that means she was telling the truth all along.
I should have given her the benefit of the doubt.
And now, I can forget about the fingerprints, because I know I can count on her.
You know, this feels like an "I told you so" moment, but I'm not going to Oh, what the hell.
I told you so.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Bad news about Purpose Package.
What? People are posting that the products are cheap knock-offs.
What? No way.
Molly.
I'm really disappointed in you.
I never thought you would endorse a company with counterfeit products.
[STAMMERS.]
I would never do that.
I didn't know.
I had the whole French Club order those.
[FRENCH ACCENT.]
Hypocrite.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
I'm bleeding followers.
What is happening? Should I say something to my followers? I had no idea.
No amount of damage control is going to help after this.
Purpose Package commented on your post.
"We'd like to thank Molly Thompson, our paid sponsor for helping to make the launch of Purpose Package a success.
" Paid sponsor? You got paid for this? No! People think I'm a corporate sellout? I didn't get paid, I swear.
[BELL RINGS.]
Don't worry, Mol.
The squad's got your back.
You'll get to the bottom of it.
I can't believe this.
My social media community is ruined and I didn't do anything to deserve it.
Man it really sucks to have people make stuff up about you.
This is a total nightmare.
[MOLLY SIGHS.]
It's a little ironic, huh? Like how you made up that stuff about Franzelli's.
That's totally different.
Is it? I wonder what happened to the people that owned the restaurant.
Do you think they went into debt? Wow, do you think you could have ruined their lives? I don't know.
Who cares? You're missing the whole point.
I'm the victim here.
Why can't you just be there for me for once? [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
The challenge was to make a vegetarian dish that will knock the pants off meat eaters.
Your Brussels sprouts have bacon in them.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Yeah, dude, because I don't follow the rules.
I'm not down with small minds putting my big ideas in their little boxes.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [JEREMY.]
Mm.
You understand that this is a cooking competition with guidelines? Do you understand how freaking off the chain bacon is? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
This is much better than Eddie's microwaved veggie burger.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
That's not fair.
I played by the rules and that burger is quin-wow.
- [LIZ SCOFFS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
More like quin-wack.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, Mom, I think we may have sent you down the wrong path here.
- What are you doing? - Being more colorful.
I'm the rebel chef.
You know, the one who never follows the rules, because they don't apply to her, because she's so freaking cool and explosive and exciting.
- Pew-pew! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
See, you may have over-corrected just a tad.
So, first I'm too technical and boring and now I'm too colorful? I'm never going to get it right.
I just have to admit it.
I'm not right.
I'm damaged, unlikable, unpopular goods.
[REGULAR ACCENT.]
Oh, honey, that's not true.
You just need to find a happy medium.
- You guys are useless! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, that's a crappy medium.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
[TODD.]
Mm.
Hey.
You just got 1,500 bucks for your dad from this little scam.
Why so gloomy? Because my plan didn't work.
Molly still doesn't understand what she did was wrong.
Like at all.
And now I have to figure out a new way to get her to say she's sorry.
You know she's never going to say sorry, so what are you waiting for? Just pull the trigger.
She hurt you, now you want to hurt her back.
It's human nature.
An eye for an eye.
No! I just want her to understand how I felt.
No.
[FOOT REST CLIPS AND SLIDES SHUT.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- You want her to feel how you felt.
That, my friend, is called revenge.
If I wanted revenge I could hurt Molly really bad.
But I don't want to.
Or do you? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You're not a therapist! You're just some bonehead who took one psych course.
Hey, don't make this about me.
That's transference, by the way.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- And it was two courses.
I have a verified certificate.
I can print it out for you.
If I can borrow your printer.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You know what? I've figured it out.
Molly probably just hasn't had the time to reflect on what happened today.
After she digests everything, she's going to understand how bad it hurts to have people lie about you online and she's going to regret what she did to Franzelli's.
We call that denial.
In fact, she'll probably say something to me about it tonight.
We call that delusion.
And we call you a grown man who lives with his mom.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I pay rent! When I can [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT POP INSTRUMENTALS.]
Liz, we're glad you're still with us.
Now, please tell me about the dish you have created for this challenge.
Make fennel the star of the show.
Mm.
Fennel is a lady of mystery.
Once she gains your confidence, she will slowly reveal herself - layer by layer.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, Mom, we're going to just stop this right here.
- What? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You told me to find a balance between cold and colorful.
This is in-between.
Earth Mama who nurtures through food.
You sound like a yoga instructor trying to sell essential oils.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, I see what you're going for, but can't you just try being yourself, but less harsh? [SIGHS.]
This dish is a roasted fennel with cashew-nut Parmesan cheese.
I first learned to make this dish when my daughter, Molly, was going through her vegan phase.
Though I knew that wasn't going to last.
- Little harsh.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But I respected her for trying.
I thought, if my daughter could be brave enough to follow her heart, then the least I could do was support her.
It took me three months to perfect this vegan cheese.
At which point, Molly was no longer a vegan.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [HUSHED.]
Back it up.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
But she still loved it and I love her.
And I hope that you love this roasted fennel with cashew-nut Parmesan cheese.
- Mom, that's it, you nailed it! - You were yourself, but likable.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Yeah! You were Liz, minus all the judgment, - coldness and arrogance.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Thanks.
No, really.
Thanks! - [LAUGHTER.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Nick.
I've been thinking a lot about our conversation earlier.
Oh.
Really? Yeah.
You owe me an apology.
What? I value our friendship, but it feels like I'm the only one making an effort.
Oh, my God.
Seriously? I'm going through this whole thing right now and all you do is bring up restaurant reviews from over a year ago.
You don't care about me.
You're not loyal, you're not reliable and you have no compassion.
I don't know if I can count on you at all.
Well, I don't know how to be friends with a person who messes with people's lives and isn't even sorry about it.
Again with those reviews! Why should I be sorry? I didn't do anything wrong.
I wrote a few bad reviews to help my mom.
And why do you care? That restaurant sucked.
It was run by a criminal.
I'm glad I did it.
I'd do it again.
Because I did it for my family.
You're right.
Family should come first.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[COMPUTER CLICKS CLOSED.]
[MOLLY SIGHS.]
Worst of all, Becky is the biggest hypocrite in the entire world.
She claims that she wants to get back to her so-called roots and do more volunteering.
But the truth is, every time we went to the hospital to read to old people, all she did was make them take selfies with her so she could get more pity likes.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, my God.
She is so two-faced.
What's wrong? And the worst part is, she says she doesn't care who the leader is.
But guess what? She just crowned herself the leader behind my back and Xuan and Tamika are just following her around like lemmings.
How could you say those things about me? I thought we were friends.
And why did you call me a lemming? And what is a lemming? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Who leaked this? Did you record this? I'm in the video, man, right next to you.
Then you leaked this, to discredit me, so I couldn't challenge you as leader of the volunteer squad.
Wow.
So you say all those messed up things about me and Xuan and Tamika and you don't think, "Huh maybe I should say sorry take some responsibility"? No.
You accuse me and Nick of leaking the video.
Well guess what, Molly? You're the one saying the words.
Well, someone obviously did this to hurt me.
I'm still not hearing a sorry.
Fine.
I'm sorry.
Sorry you got caught, not sorry you said it.
[SIGHS.]
They were just words.
I have news for you.
Words hurt.
Goodbye, Molly.
We don't need a friend like you.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[CRIES, SNIFFLES.]
[SOBBING.]
[SNIFFLES, CRIES.]
How do you think her interview is going? I don't know.
I know she's going to be crushed if she doesn't get on.
And mad.
At us.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Let's just hide the knives and maybe turn off the gas.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hey, hun.
What happened? I was sweet, I was honest, I was nurturing.
And those chumps bought the whole thing.
I'm on! - [ED GASPS.]
Oh, my God! - I knew you could do it! - [LIZ LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'll get the sparkling cider.
Oh, hey, Nick, guess what? You're looking at the next Top Chef contestant.
Wow, congrats.
Everything is finally coming together for me, you know.
I'll get publicity from the show, which will help both my restaurants.
- That's great.
- [LIZ EXHALES.]
[LAUGHS.]
I can't believe this.
There was a time when I thought Crescendo was going to go under.
I thought that slop house Franzelli's was going to put us out of business.
But instead, I put them out of business.
I mean, whoever could have thought this would have happened, you know? I'm putting my restaurant in their spot.
It's as if it was meant to be.
This is better than my wildest dreams.
Hear, hear.
I declare this the Year of the Thompsons.
Top Chef is coming to the restaurant in a few days and they're going to do a little get-to-know-you segment.
Thanks to you two, I feel like I know how to present myself on camera.
So you're not nervous? No.
I can't wait.
[CHUCKLES.]
Me neither.
[TENSE INSTRUMENTALS.]
They were working together to take down our restaurant.
Collusion.
[SCOFFS.]
That's rough, man.
Though not technically a crime.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It gets worse.
They're opening Liz's new restaurant right in our old spot.
Todd, they didn't just take away my past.
They're taking away my future.
So what are you going to do? I don't know.
When I first moved in with them, I wanted justice for me and my dad.
I wanted to make them pay.
But then I felt like part of the family.
And I thought I had forgiven them.
But now this? I guess I have to take them down.
Great.
So what's stopping you? Molly.
She's my best friend.
She's the one who welcomed me into the family.
She shared her room with me.
She always stands up for me.
On the other hand she really hurt you.
I know, but what if she's changed? What if she's sorry for what she did? [SIGHS.]
So what I'm hearing is that you're mad.
You're hurt.
But you also care for her.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You want to forgive her.
Exactly.
But first, I need to know she's sorry.
Then I can put this all behind me.
Really? I would have to.
Because there's no way I could hurt the Thompsons without hurting Molly.
So find out if you can forgive her before you do something that can't be undone.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, when did you get to be so smart? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I have a BA in sports management, bro.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- And I took a Coursera in psychology.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Just give me the ATV money.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
There you go.
Five grand.
Actually, it's 4,990.
I deducted ten bucks for my suit.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I know, I know, but I'm worth it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Don't freak but I got Nick's fingerprints.
- [BOOK THUDS CLOSED.]
- Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? Don't worry.
I haven't uploaded them to the background check website yet.
I mean, what if you're right? What if I get the results and she is who she says she is and then she finds out I did this? Then I lose my best friend.
And what if you're wrong and she's been lying this whole time? What's it going to take for you to trust her? Do you want to strap her to a lie detector? Give her truth serum? Make her take a psych evaluation? That's it.
I can give her a personality test! [INHALES.]
Like one of those Teen Vogue quizzes that'll tell you which Anne Hathaway movie she is.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
No, I'll administer the Myers-Briggs psychological test to see if she's trustworthy.
It's incredibly accurate.
If she passes, then I can forget about the fingerprints and we can stay best friends.
I bet she's Interstellar.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT OPENING CREDITS THEME PLAYING.]
Guys, I'm freaking out and I need your help.
You haven't said that since 2011 when that raccoon wouldn't leave the front porch.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- They have human hands.
- It's very scary.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, what do you need help with? [SIGHS.]
My FaceTime audition for Top Chef is in a few days.
This is my third shot at getting on the show.
I always get partway through the process and then I don't get on.
Hey, well, it's competitive.
Lots of people don't get on.
- Well, lots of people aren't me.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I am the best Italian chef in the entire Pacific Northwest.
- And modest to boot.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It's not my cooking.
So it must be my [CAREFULLY EXHALES.]
[QUICKLY INHALES.]
personality.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Look, I know I'm not the most likable person.
- What? No.
Absolutely not.
- You What - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
For some reason, I rub people the wrong way.
And I've never been popular.
- You are popular with us.
- Well, you don't matter.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You're not Top Chef producers, okay? What if I get Middendorfed? - Middendorfed? - Yeah.
Cheri Middendorf won that stupid Golden Spatula back in high school just because she was more popular.
What if that happens all over again? Honey This isn't high school.
It's reality TV.
- They're the same.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, the bottom line is, whatever I've been doing in the past hasn't worked, so I need to change it up.
Ed, everyone loves you.
You're the life of the party.
- It's my gift.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
And, Jeremy, despite your pretentiousness, you keep getting elected.
- Despite my pretentiousness? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
The point is, you guys know how to make people like you.
Alright, I know.
Why don't we do a mock episode where we put you in a situation where we see you as a contestant? Then we can evaluate where you're going wrong.
Yes! You know, I do like criticizing people.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, but remember, your job is to critique me as a contestant, not in my role as wife or mother.
I would never critique you as my wife.
That's what you negotiated in the prenup.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey, I've been waiting for you.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- You have to take this personality test.
When you come home, are you, A, happy to have someone there or, B, you'd rather have time to yourself? A, I guess.
Agree or disagree.
It is often difficult for you to relate to other people's feelings? Disagree.
So crazy about Liz's new restaurant, huh? Yeah, it's cool.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I didn't know the restaurant that used to be in that space was also Italian.
Mm-hm.
So anyway, on a scale from one to ten, how involved do you get in the story when watching TV? I don't know.
Eight? Whoa! The restaurant had all five-star reviews and then, all of a sudden, a bunch of one-star reviews.
Weird, right? Not really.
Can we just focus on the quiz? Oh, look, you wrote a review! "I went to Franzelli's and you can taste the anguish in every bite of their irresponsible veal Parmesan.
" Huh.
I didn't think you ate veal.
Well, I never actually ate there.
Then why did you write this review? To help my mom.
You know, take out the competition.
Guess it worked.
They went out of business.
You must feel terrible.
Right? Why would I? Look, you don't seem too into this quiz.
Maybe we can just finish it tomorrow.
Yeah.
Sure.
[NICK.]
Whatever.
- [LIGHT CLICKS OFF.]
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[TEARING SOUND.]
So how does this scam work? Simple.
We rebrand this cheap drugstore crap as premium eco-friendly products and sell it as a subscription box.
- Purpose Package, goods with a purpose.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Nice.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Take advantage of all those naive do-gooders.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [TODD.]
Hmm.
Actually, this is pretty moisturizing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
How much do you think we'll make? I don't know.
That's not the main goal.
Whoa, pump the brakes.
- Back it up.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Making money is not the main goal? We're going to provide Molly with an opportunity for self-growth.
[SCOFFS.]
You sound like my mom.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Molly showed zero remorse about posting those Yelp reviews.
At first, I was mad at her.
But then, I realized that Molly just doesn't understand.
If she could see for herself how awful the things she did really were, then I'm sure she'll feel sorry.
So you're going to teach her a lesson.
Yep.
I want us to stay best friends.
And that can't happen until she's sorry.
Okay.
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Alright.
Remember, Mom, just be yourself for this challenge.
We need to get a baseline.
Right, right.
Be my not-good-enough self.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
Judge chef - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
who's ready to take a ride on the Flavor Express? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- What the hell is this? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm Eddie Von Sizzle.
A little blue collar, a little adventure.
- Lot of sexy.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- You dyed your hair? - [REGULAR ACCENT.]
Yeah.
You like it? - Unfortunately, it only lasts six washes.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
No, I don't like it.
Why are you doing this? To make it realistic.
Interacting with kooky contestants is a big part of the show.
Okay.
But is it necessary to play all the Top Chef stereotypes at once? - Aren't you a feisty jalapeno? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Alright, contestants, your first challenge is show me yourself on a plate.
Ha! That's easy.
- You're going down, Pepper Pants.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
She likes them.
[UPBEAT POP INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey, this box came for you.
Purpose Package? - Have you ever heard of this? - Nope.
"Dear Ms.
Thompson we hope you will enjoy our eco and labor-friendly products.
All profits from the sale of Purpose Package are donated to charity.
We've sent this to you because you are a committed activist and influencer.
If you like these products, please share them with your friends and review us on social media.
" Whoa, this stuff looks really nice.
Can you believe they're sending me all of this stuff for free? Sure.
You're super influential.
That's true.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I just feel so blessed to be able to use my power to help people.
[CHUCKLES, GASPS.]
Ooh, volcanic lava masks.
Let's do them together.
That sounds fun! And we can finish that personality test.
Yeah, and then I can help you with your Purpose Package reviews.
Great.
After the personality test.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Accompanying the chicken scallopini is a side of tarragon and a few chanterelles.
To reach maximum infusion, you must have a vacuum seal, making sure to reduce the pressure before the liquid overflows.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
But how does this show you on a plate? This dish highlights my technical excellency - and tarragon is my signature ingredient.
- [JEREMY.]
Hmm.
But why? What is the personal connection? What does the tarragon say about you? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
That I like tarragon.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Eddie tell us about your mac and cheese.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
What we have here is your classic comfort food with a side of hot.
[REGULAR ACCENT.]
Not literally.
That would be disgusting.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
The pasta elbows show you that I like to throw you a bit of a curve.
And the sauce is my sense of humor.
Cheesy.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [JEREMY.]
Mm.
Nice.
I declare Eddie Von Sizzle the winner of this challenge.
What? Are you insane? I cooked circles around him.
He made mac and cheese, from a box.
And he didn't even do it right.
I mean, look at those lumps.
[SCOFFS.]
You know what? This is Cheri Middendorf all over again! Okay.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
- Mom, I think I see what the problem is.
While it is true that Dad needs to work on basic stirring [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
the challenge was to show yourself on a plate.
Dad was fun.
You were clinical and boring.
[LIZ GASPS.]
Hun, you have a lot of personality.
You just have to let it shine through in the context of a cooking competition.
Maybe try to be a little less formal and more colorful.
You're right.
Yeah, I do.
I have tons of personality.
I am overflowing with personality.
[LAUGHS.]
Watch out, judge, because you're about to get hit with a bucket full of personality for the next challenge.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Now can I ask what tarragon is? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
The Oregon marionberry jam was good, but I think I liked the fair-trade chocolate best.
Me too.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I had so much fun with you last night.
I feel like it's been forever since we just hung out.
Molly, Purpose Package is blowing up.
It already has 2,000 followers and that's all from your reviews.
Thanks for the scarf.
I'm not sure what makes me feel warmer, the Merino wool or the fuzzy feeling of helping small businesses in our community.
I think it's the wool.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It's a very tight knit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Either way, it fits with our new philosophy.
Think global, buy local.
[LOCKER LOCK SQUEAKS.]
Oh, hey, Molly.
Thanks for the organic lavender lip rescue.
I can actually feel it healing my lips.
All while preserving the bees' natural habitat.
The whole water polo team is ordering Purpose Packages because of your reviews.
Thanks, fam.
How does it feel to know that your words are so powerful? Honestly? - It makes me feel like a superhero.
- [LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Nick and I are back.
I gave her the personality test and she scored off the charts on reliability, loyalty and compassion for others.
That is great news.
She has the highest-rated personality for trustworthiness.
Hmm.
Well, what about all the lies you supposedly caught her in? Well, I guess that means she was telling the truth all along.
I should have given her the benefit of the doubt.
And now, I can forget about the fingerprints, because I know I can count on her.
You know, this feels like an "I told you so" moment, but I'm not going to Oh, what the hell.
I told you so.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Bad news about Purpose Package.
What? People are posting that the products are cheap knock-offs.
What? No way.
Molly.
I'm really disappointed in you.
I never thought you would endorse a company with counterfeit products.
[STAMMERS.]
I would never do that.
I didn't know.
I had the whole French Club order those.
[FRENCH ACCENT.]
Hypocrite.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
I'm bleeding followers.
What is happening? Should I say something to my followers? I had no idea.
No amount of damage control is going to help after this.
Purpose Package commented on your post.
"We'd like to thank Molly Thompson, our paid sponsor for helping to make the launch of Purpose Package a success.
" Paid sponsor? You got paid for this? No! People think I'm a corporate sellout? I didn't get paid, I swear.
[BELL RINGS.]
Don't worry, Mol.
The squad's got your back.
You'll get to the bottom of it.
I can't believe this.
My social media community is ruined and I didn't do anything to deserve it.
Man it really sucks to have people make stuff up about you.
This is a total nightmare.
[MOLLY SIGHS.]
It's a little ironic, huh? Like how you made up that stuff about Franzelli's.
That's totally different.
Is it? I wonder what happened to the people that owned the restaurant.
Do you think they went into debt? Wow, do you think you could have ruined their lives? I don't know.
Who cares? You're missing the whole point.
I'm the victim here.
Why can't you just be there for me for once? [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
The challenge was to make a vegetarian dish that will knock the pants off meat eaters.
Your Brussels sprouts have bacon in them.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Yeah, dude, because I don't follow the rules.
I'm not down with small minds putting my big ideas in their little boxes.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [JEREMY.]
Mm.
You understand that this is a cooking competition with guidelines? Do you understand how freaking off the chain bacon is? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
This is much better than Eddie's microwaved veggie burger.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
That's not fair.
I played by the rules and that burger is quin-wow.
- [LIZ SCOFFS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
More like quin-wack.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, Mom, I think we may have sent you down the wrong path here.
- What are you doing? - Being more colorful.
I'm the rebel chef.
You know, the one who never follows the rules, because they don't apply to her, because she's so freaking cool and explosive and exciting.
- Pew-pew! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
See, you may have over-corrected just a tad.
So, first I'm too technical and boring and now I'm too colorful? I'm never going to get it right.
I just have to admit it.
I'm not right.
I'm damaged, unlikable, unpopular goods.
[REGULAR ACCENT.]
Oh, honey, that's not true.
You just need to find a happy medium.
- You guys are useless! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, that's a crappy medium.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
[TODD.]
Mm.
Hey.
You just got 1,500 bucks for your dad from this little scam.
Why so gloomy? Because my plan didn't work.
Molly still doesn't understand what she did was wrong.
Like at all.
And now I have to figure out a new way to get her to say she's sorry.
You know she's never going to say sorry, so what are you waiting for? Just pull the trigger.
She hurt you, now you want to hurt her back.
It's human nature.
An eye for an eye.
No! I just want her to understand how I felt.
No.
[FOOT REST CLIPS AND SLIDES SHUT.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- You want her to feel how you felt.
That, my friend, is called revenge.
If I wanted revenge I could hurt Molly really bad.
But I don't want to.
Or do you? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You're not a therapist! You're just some bonehead who took one psych course.
Hey, don't make this about me.
That's transference, by the way.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- And it was two courses.
I have a verified certificate.
I can print it out for you.
If I can borrow your printer.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You know what? I've figured it out.
Molly probably just hasn't had the time to reflect on what happened today.
After she digests everything, she's going to understand how bad it hurts to have people lie about you online and she's going to regret what she did to Franzelli's.
We call that denial.
In fact, she'll probably say something to me about it tonight.
We call that delusion.
And we call you a grown man who lives with his mom.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I pay rent! When I can [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT POP INSTRUMENTALS.]
Liz, we're glad you're still with us.
Now, please tell me about the dish you have created for this challenge.
Make fennel the star of the show.
Mm.
Fennel is a lady of mystery.
Once she gains your confidence, she will slowly reveal herself - layer by layer.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, Mom, we're going to just stop this right here.
- What? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You told me to find a balance between cold and colorful.
This is in-between.
Earth Mama who nurtures through food.
You sound like a yoga instructor trying to sell essential oils.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, I see what you're going for, but can't you just try being yourself, but less harsh? [SIGHS.]
This dish is a roasted fennel with cashew-nut Parmesan cheese.
I first learned to make this dish when my daughter, Molly, was going through her vegan phase.
Though I knew that wasn't going to last.
- Little harsh.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But I respected her for trying.
I thought, if my daughter could be brave enough to follow her heart, then the least I could do was support her.
It took me three months to perfect this vegan cheese.
At which point, Molly was no longer a vegan.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [HUSHED.]
Back it up.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
But she still loved it and I love her.
And I hope that you love this roasted fennel with cashew-nut Parmesan cheese.
- Mom, that's it, you nailed it! - You were yourself, but likable.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Yeah! You were Liz, minus all the judgment, - coldness and arrogance.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Thanks.
No, really.
Thanks! - [LAUGHTER.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Nick.
I've been thinking a lot about our conversation earlier.
Oh.
Really? Yeah.
You owe me an apology.
What? I value our friendship, but it feels like I'm the only one making an effort.
Oh, my God.
Seriously? I'm going through this whole thing right now and all you do is bring up restaurant reviews from over a year ago.
You don't care about me.
You're not loyal, you're not reliable and you have no compassion.
I don't know if I can count on you at all.
Well, I don't know how to be friends with a person who messes with people's lives and isn't even sorry about it.
Again with those reviews! Why should I be sorry? I didn't do anything wrong.
I wrote a few bad reviews to help my mom.
And why do you care? That restaurant sucked.
It was run by a criminal.
I'm glad I did it.
I'd do it again.
Because I did it for my family.
You're right.
Family should come first.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[COMPUTER CLICKS CLOSED.]
[MOLLY SIGHS.]
Worst of all, Becky is the biggest hypocrite in the entire world.
She claims that she wants to get back to her so-called roots and do more volunteering.
But the truth is, every time we went to the hospital to read to old people, all she did was make them take selfies with her so she could get more pity likes.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, my God.
She is so two-faced.
What's wrong? And the worst part is, she says she doesn't care who the leader is.
But guess what? She just crowned herself the leader behind my back and Xuan and Tamika are just following her around like lemmings.
How could you say those things about me? I thought we were friends.
And why did you call me a lemming? And what is a lemming? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Who leaked this? Did you record this? I'm in the video, man, right next to you.
Then you leaked this, to discredit me, so I couldn't challenge you as leader of the volunteer squad.
Wow.
So you say all those messed up things about me and Xuan and Tamika and you don't think, "Huh maybe I should say sorry take some responsibility"? No.
You accuse me and Nick of leaking the video.
Well guess what, Molly? You're the one saying the words.
Well, someone obviously did this to hurt me.
I'm still not hearing a sorry.
Fine.
I'm sorry.
Sorry you got caught, not sorry you said it.
[SIGHS.]
They were just words.
I have news for you.
Words hurt.
Goodbye, Molly.
We don't need a friend like you.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[CRIES, SNIFFLES.]
[SOBBING.]
[SNIFFLES, CRIES.]
How do you think her interview is going? I don't know.
I know she's going to be crushed if she doesn't get on.
And mad.
At us.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Let's just hide the knives and maybe turn off the gas.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hey, hun.
What happened? I was sweet, I was honest, I was nurturing.
And those chumps bought the whole thing.
I'm on! - [ED GASPS.]
Oh, my God! - I knew you could do it! - [LIZ LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'll get the sparkling cider.
Oh, hey, Nick, guess what? You're looking at the next Top Chef contestant.
Wow, congrats.
Everything is finally coming together for me, you know.
I'll get publicity from the show, which will help both my restaurants.
- That's great.
- [LIZ EXHALES.]
[LAUGHS.]
I can't believe this.
There was a time when I thought Crescendo was going to go under.
I thought that slop house Franzelli's was going to put us out of business.
But instead, I put them out of business.
I mean, whoever could have thought this would have happened, you know? I'm putting my restaurant in their spot.
It's as if it was meant to be.
This is better than my wildest dreams.
Hear, hear.
I declare this the Year of the Thompsons.
Top Chef is coming to the restaurant in a few days and they're going to do a little get-to-know-you segment.
Thanks to you two, I feel like I know how to present myself on camera.
So you're not nervous? No.
I can't wait.
[CHUCKLES.]
Me neither.
[TENSE INSTRUMENTALS.]