No Good Nick (2019) s02e07 Episode Script

The Pied Piper

1 [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS] Dude, you've got to get out of bed.
You're going to be late for school.
Why do you care? Everyone at school hates me.
None of my friends are speaking to me.
And the only followers I have left on social media are Russian bots.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - Even they're unfollowing me.
All you had to do was apologize and take responsibility for your actions.
Yeah.
Maybe I should have done that.
[INHALES] Except I didn't do anything wrong.
I'm the victim here.
Purpose Package lied about me and then the Volunteer Squad stabbed me in the back.
Right.
Everyone else's fault.
Got it.
[UPBEAT POP INSTRUMENTALS] [DOGS BARKING] The black-eyed raven flies at the The crack of dawn.
And I hope you enjoyed that, because it's the last time we're doing it.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - You're surlier than usual today.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [PAPER CRINKLES] Yeah, well, guess what? I found out you're leasing the Franzelli's space to Liz.
You promised me we could have our restaurant back.
It's ours.
It's not yours.
It's ours.
[NICK SIGHS] Look, kid if your dad pays off his debts and the space is empty when he gets out of jail, we'd be happy to lease it to him again.
But it won't be empty.
Liz's dumb Fortissimo will be there.
Maybe it will maybe it won't.
Restaurants fail all the time.
Besides, she's still negotiating the lease.
Wait.
Really? Yeah.
So who knows? It's a crazy world.
Anything can happen.
Yeah.
It sure can.
[UPBEAT OPENING CREDITS PLAYING] Ooh, Eggs Benedict.
[CHUCKLES] But can I get mine with a fried egg, both sides of the English muffin? And hold the sauce.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Oh, so instead of Eggs Benedict, you want an Egg McMuffin.
Is that correct? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - No.
I didn't say cheese.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Does this look like a fast food restaurant to you? Am I wearing a paper hat? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Is what normal Liz would say.
Top Chef Liz says can do.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - I love Top Chef Liz.
[CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES] Can't you just relax, Mom? I mean, you're already on the show.
Do you know when this competition starts? I don't know.
In a couple of weeks? Wrong! It already started.
- In my mind.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Top Chef is coming to the restaurant tonight to shoot the "getting to know you" segment.
So this is my opportunity to show them the real me.
Well, the me that I've carefully fabricated.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Shouldn't you just be yourself? You know, the cutthroat villain willing to do anything to get ahead? No.
That was the old me.
The one that didn't get on the show.
What I sold them in the interview was a kinder, gentler Liz.
So if I don't keep that crap up, they can kick me out at any time.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - What crap? [SIGHS] Top Chef Liz.
- Triple filtered for ultimate smoothness.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Don't worry, Mom.
Nick and I will be there.
We've got your back.
- [PLATES CLANKING] - 100%.
Oh, thanks.
So how's Molly doing? Not great.
[EXHALES] But don't worry, I'll focus on her, so you can focus on being brilliant.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [SIGHS] One order of Eggs McLiz.
- Would you like fries with that? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - Hell, yeah.
- We have fries? The drive-thru is closed.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS] Okay, kiddo, time to get you up and ready to face the world.
And do what? I don't know.
See the sun, breathe fresh air.
- Attend to basic personal hygiene.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] You want to do any of these things? Especially the last one? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - No.
The last time I got out of bed, my entire life fell apart.
I'm just going to stay here forever.
Hey.
That is not how Thompsons handle things.
We're problem solvers.
So [SIGHS] what do you say? Let's get up and change your mood and maybe your pajamas.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - Go away.
Look, I know you've had some problems with the Volunteer Squad, but I also know that the best way to deal with any setback is pick yourself up and move on.
[SCOFFS] Alright, I'm going to take [SNORTS] as, "I'll think about it.
" [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS] - [NONSENSICAL VOCALIZING] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Oh, good.
You're here.
This is an original piece.
I think you're going to like it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Potential life potential death.
Clone, hone, velodrome.
Lenticular process? Follicular Holocaust.
[MELODIC] DNA, CIA, chardonnay? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [SIGHS] - What the hell was that? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I'm proving to you that I have the acting chops to play the role of customer in Italian restaurant.
Yeah - No.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I'll have you know I was the lead in the juvenile correction center production of Seussical The Musical, which was very well reviewed.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] The part's already cast and he'll be here any minute to rehearse.
Besides, Liz could recognize you and you already have an important role to play tonight.
Fine.
But I've got to say, it seems like a lot of work just to keep Liz from getting on Top Chef.
It's not just about keeping her off the show.
It's about keeping her from opening Fortissimo.
Really? That's all? Hey.
She took away my life and my dreams.
It's only fair.
Hmm.
[INHALES] You pooh-pooh'ed my therapy skills and it turns out I was right.
You do want revenge.
- You took down Molly and you liked it.
- I did what I had to do.
- And it felt good.
- It felt freeing.
And now, I can just do what I came to do and I don't have to feel guilty about it anymore.
- Nicky.
- Roger! [GASPS] Todd, this is Roger.
So, how do you two know each other? Roger used to be a Franzelli's regular.
Her dad would always take good care of me, even when I was down on my luck.
[CHUCKLES] Roger is a brilliant actor.
So tell me about the role.
What's my motivation? Your motivation is to balance the scales of justice.
- [GRUNTS] I could have crushed that.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Todd, I almost forgot.
Your mom said your fish sticks are ready? - Yeet! Yeah! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS] Hey, look at you, up and dressed and showered.
Yay! What's all this? This is the super duper, Ed Thompson, never-fails-to-fix-any-problem - ice-cream sundae bar, patent pending.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Aw, that's sweet, but the problem's already fixed.
- You made up with your friends? - [DOORBELL RINGS] Better.
Like you said, I'm moving on.
[DOOR OPENS] - [MOLLY] Hi.
- [GIRLS] Hi.
- So glad you could make it.
- Yeah.
Thanks for inviting us.
Come on in.
We've got a special treat.
- An ice-cream sundae bar.
- [GIRLS] Ooh.
I hope you have organic, dairy-free options.
And cruelty-free marshmallows.
- Yes.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Please.
Where do you think you are? - [GIRLS LAUGH] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [GIRL 1] Hi.
- [ED] Hi.
- [GIRL 2] Hi.
- [ED] Hi.
- [GIRL 3] Hi.
- Hi.
Molls.
Who are these people? And why are you telling them - to eat our ice-cream? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I met them at a Portland Youth Volunteer Fair.
They're the first members of the Altruism Alliance.
Oh.
The what? It's like the Volunteer Squad, but better.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - Oh.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS] Okay, Liz, this is easy.
There's no pressure.
It's just a little background footage.
So just do everything the way you normally would and pretend we're not even here.
Sounds great.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, everybody, listen up Could you take your hat off? It's more cas.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Great.
Okay, listen up.
Guys, can you get closer together for the shot? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Listen up Actually, can you put your hat back on? I'm not loving your hair.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Excellent.
- Not here.
Go.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Okay, listen up, everybody.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Tonight's special is a homemade marscapone lobster raviolo in a brandy tomato cream sauce.
And I just want to thank all of you for putting so much heart into our food.
- So get busy cooking - [GROUP DRONING] Or get busy Just doing your best! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [HOST] Okay, Liz.
If you had one piece of advice to offer the next generation of chefs, what would it be? Oh, wow.
Well, I have lots of advice.
But if I had to pick one, I would say don't compromise.
Don't compromise your vision, your food or your integrity.
That's great advice.
- Wish I'd had it before I got married.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] So, shall we? [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS] - Welcome to Crescendo.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER] [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUING] Honey, I am so proud of you.
They seem like really nice girls.
I know, right? Who needs the Volunteer Squad? I'm so over them.
[SIGHS] Okay.
Before we get started, to avoid any future confusion, let me just say that, as the leader of the Altruism Alliance, I alone will have final authority on all decisions.
[ED] Enjoy.
- [GIRL 1] Thank you.
- [GIRL 2] Thank you.
Okay, now, I believe the Altruism Alliance needs to support causes that have global scope.
Think big.
Are those vegan bacon bits? - You do know what you're doing.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Speaking of vegan, have you tried the vegan maple logs at Guy's Donuts? Yes.
Oh, my God, they're so good.
[GIRL 2] We should have our next meeting there.
Excuse me.
Hello? Let's just keep the socializing to a minimum and stay focused, okay? Okay.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS] This is what I call cooking with love.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Oh, hi.
Could I have some of that on mine as well? On your seafood? I'm sorry that wouldn't really go with your plate.
It sounds good to me.
Cheese and seafood? It's kind of taboo in Italian cuisine.
Yeah, but you've got the cheese right there and I'm asking for it.
- Do you think you could just, you know - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - Everything okay? - Yep.
Yes.
Sir, I am going to have to politely decline.
Adding cheese would compromise the integrity of this dish.
[SCOFFS] Wow, really? Okay.
How about some salt? Can you at least bring me some salt? There's none on the table.
That's because we perfectly season everything for you in the kitchen.
- Do you though? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] We do.
[STRAINED] But do you? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - We do.
And if you don't like it, you can always Pick a different dish instead.
- Right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Of course.
But I want this dish and some salt, because it needs something.
Isn't the customer always right? That's the way they did it across the street at Franzelli's.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Absolutely.
[CHUCKLES] I'll be right back.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [HUSHED] Hey.
How am I doing? Great! But stop eating all the food.
I can't help it.
It's delicious.
And she's right.
It's perfectly seasoned.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS] So, unlike my old Volunteer Squad, who did not understand the importance of this issue, I know I can count on you guys to support my idea of adopting blue whales.
Or maybe we could read books to children at the library.
I love that idea.
You know, reading to kids helps improve their critical-thinking skills and builds empathy.
Ooh, and after that, maybe we can volunteer at a nursing home.
I know the perfect one.
You know what? [SIGHS] As the leader of the Altruism Alliance, I've decided that the blue whales is the best idea on the table.
If we don't act soon, they'll be extinct.
All these ideas have value.
Why can't we just do them all? [MOLLY EXHALES] Because my idea is better and as the leader of the Altruism Alliance, per the aforementioned bylaws of the club, which you stipulated to, my decision's final.
[EXHALES] Geez, Molly.
It's not a competition.
What? I mean, can't we all contribute and decide on something fun together? Exactly! I mean, why do we need a leader anyway? [CHUCKLES] Get - out.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] What? All of you.
Get out.
[CHUCKLES] Are you being serious right now? Get out! This alliance is officially disbanded.
[DOOR SLAMS] Honey, what happened? Are you moving on again? - It seems kind of soon.
- I'm going back to bed.
[GLASS BREAKS] [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS] Okay, that guy at table five is being a real jerk.
I'm worried.
If he complains again, Liz is going to lose it.
I just wish there was a way to make sure he leaves here happy.
Yeah.
That guy could blow everything.
[SIGHS] Oh! Oh, I know.
Maybe we could comp him a bottle of wine.
That's a great idea.
Okay, you get him a bottle of wine and I'll go tell Mom.
[HUSHED] Okay.
[WHISPERS] Hey, so we comped that guy at table five a bottle of wine just so You did what? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] One of our customers wasn't completely satisfied with his meal, so my son here decided to send over a bottle of wine to make it right, because that's what we do here.
- Oh! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I didn't realize this was your son.
Yeah, yes.
Yeah, we're kind of a family business.
[CHUCKLES] Here you go, honey.
Can you take that to table seven? I just wanted to let you know that it's all been taken care of.
Thanks, sweetie.
And is this your daughter? Uh, no, but she is family.
Nick came to live with us a few months ago and now we can't imagine our lives without her.
And she is quite the chef, too.
In fact, I'm hoping she'll someday take over for me.
Aw.
[CHUCKLES] Let's go get a shot of the customer with that wine.
You You just said that all for the cameras, right? About me taking over your restaurant? No, that was true.
You and I share a passion for cooking.
And nothing would make me happier than for you to eventually take over for me.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES] That's really sweet.
Well, maybe the smooth-filtered Liz is giving me the feels.
But there's so much good happening for me right now.
And I'm so happy that you're here to share it with me.
I just want you to know I love you.
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS] - [KISSING SOUND] Uh, I'll be right back.
I think I may have delivered the wrong bottle of wine to that table.
[ROGER] What kind of scam are you running? This is unacceptable! - [DISH CLANKS] - What the hell? Sir, I am sure it's just a misunderstanding.
No.
This restaurant is running a scam and peddling cheap wines as high end.
And I'm going to make sure everybody knows about it.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS] [KNOCKING] Hey, Molls.
[ED SIGHS] I'm sorry.
What are you sorry about? Moving on was the wrong advice.
[ED EXHALES] Look It's hard for me to see you in pain.
And I realize that telling you to move on was really to help me.
Not to help you.
I can see now that you need to feel your feelings.
And know it's okay to not be okay.
So I'll tell you what.
Let's go not be okay together.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS] Sir, there has clearly been a mistake.
Yeah, this is a mistake.
Let's just all calm down.
Chef, what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
This restaurant is selling counterfeit wine.
Hey! That only happened once because we had a bad distributor.
Aha! So you admit it.
Did you get that? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Sir, obviously, there's been a mistake.
I will do everything in my power to make this right.
Looks like this situation is resolved to everyone's satisfaction.
Don't you agree, sir? Um - Yeah.
Okay.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [SIGHS] Now that's settled, Eduardo, why don't you take the crew into the kitchen and tell them about our food donation program for the homeless? - You got it, Boss.
- [LIZ CHUCKLES] Right this way, please.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] So, uh how do we plan on making things right for the customer? I don't plan on making anything right for anybody.
Get the hell out! What? But you just said I just said what I had to say to get the cameras out of here, but I will not let some demented turd insult me in my own restaurant.
You can't kick me out.
This woman is horrible! No food is worth being treated this way.
At Franzelli's, they knew how to take care of the customer.
You know what? If you like that place so much, why don't you go eat over there? Oh wait, you can't.
Because I put that place out of business.
Mario, Karen.
Please escort this unruly customer out.
You can't do this.
This isn't right.
[DOOR OPENS] - [LIZ SIGHS] - Mom that was crazy.
Even for you.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - I'm very sorry about the disturbance.
Free dessert for everyone, on the house.
[CROWD AWWS] I'll go tell Eduardo about the desserts.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] What? This is how you win.
That guy could have ruined all my dreams, but I wasn't going to let him beat me.
But you didn't have to do what you did.
You know what? Life is a zero-sum game.
If you want to win, you have to be ruthless.
So which is it, Nick? Do you want to be a winner or a loser? A Crescendo or a Franzelli's? Because if you want to succeed, you have to be willing to take people out.
You're right.
If you want to win, you have to be ruthless.
And I do want to win.
Good girl.
[DOOR OPENS] Do it.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING] [THUD] [EXHALES] Alright, boys.
It's go time.
- [RODENTS SQUEAKING] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] What is all this? Allow me to introduce the super duper, Ed Thompson, feel-your-feelings Destructo bar, patent pending.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Put these on.
And let it all out.
Seriously? I can break this stuff? Yeah.
It's all worthless.
Besides, I listed it as stolen on the insurance form when we got robbed, so go nuts.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [CERAMIC CLATTERS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Come on, you can do better than that.
[SIGHS] - [HOLLOW THUD] - Good! Attagirl! Now really open up.
Let it all out.
How do you feel? [SIGHS] I'm - I'm mad! - [GLASS SHATTERS] [EXHALES] I worked really hard to build up my social media presence and then I lost it all because of a couple of liars! [EXHALES] And I'm mad at the Molly Mob for abandoning me! Good.
More! And I'm mad at the Volunteer Squad for saying I turn everything into a competition.
They deserted me just when I needed them.
I thought we were friends.
And I'm mad at Tamika and Xuan and Becky and Nick and I'm mad at myself.
[INHALES] Because I did this.
I was wrong.
[INHALES] I was mean and dishonest - and I was a bad friend.
- [METAL BAT TINGS] - [CRIES] - It's okay.
It's okay.
- It's okay.
Let it out.
- [SNIFFLES] - [SOBS, INHALES] - [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS] I messed up.
[EXHALES] [INHALES] I had all these friends.
All these followers.
[INHALES] And they trusted me and I let them down.
You know what? It takes a lot of courage to admit when you're wrong.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
Remember with great power comes great responsibility.
Really? You're quoting Spider-Man? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - Yeah.
That's how you know it's true.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [MOLLY LAUGHS] I'm so proud of you.
Liz, it looks like tonight has been a fabulous night for you.
Are you ready to start the competition? [SIGHS] I've never felt more ready.
You know, it's all come down to this moment.
All my hard work, my training.
- [MOUSE SQUEAKS] - [AUDIENCE OOHS] It all comes down to this.
I'm ready to win.
What What's going on? What are you looking at? Is that a rat? [GASPS] That has never happened before, I swear.
Can we turn off the camera until we deal with this isolated problem? [RATS SQUEAK] [SCREAMING] [CONTINUED SCREAMING] Ralphie, whatever you do, do not put that camera down.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [SCREAMS] - [CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR] - [RAT SQUEAKS] - [CONTINUED SCREAMING] [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Your mom is going to be so happy to see you here.
- [DOOR OPENS] - [SCREAMING] [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] What's going on? - [CONTINUED SCREAMING] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [LIZ] Okay, it's just a few rats, everybody.
Come back.
Come back here.
[LIZ] Okay, it's okay.
It's going to be okay.
Please stop with the camera.
Sit down.
I'll make you a bowl of pasta.
I'll make whatever you want! Let go of me, rat lady! I am not a rat lady! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS] Look, obviously tonight was insane and not representative of me or my restaurant.
[SIGHS] I hope you'll still let me be on the show.
Oh, you're definitely going to be on the show.
Really? Oh, what a relief.
Then I still have a chance to win.
Ah, I see we're miscommunicating.
We've been looking to add a "Chef Disasters" segment and this was perfect.
[CHUCKLES] All of this will be televised, but you won't be moving forward as a contestant.
I realize this must be devastating for you, but ironically, this is the best moment of my career.
[LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [DING] Oh, look.
One of your customers already auto-tuned it.
[LIZ, FILTERED] Come back here.
- [POP MUSIC PLAYING] - I am not a rat lady! Not a rat lady I'm not a rat lady Not a rat lady Come back, back, back here I'm not a rat lady Not a rat lady Come back, back, back here I'm not a rat lady Not a rat lady [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] How did they make that so fast? - There's an app.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But look at the bright side.
Everybody's going to know your name.
Well, not your name name.
You'll be "Rat Lady" from now on.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] [SIGHS] I'm ruined.
No, you're not.
We can recover from this.
By the time Fortissimo opens Are you crazy? The whole country's going to see me as some crazed chef who serves counterfeit wine and, oh, yeah, has rats in her restaurant.
I can't open Fortissimo now.
I'll be lucky to keep this place afloat.
[LIZ SIGHS] [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS] What a disaster.
- [DISHES CLATTER] - I mean, rats? Rats? Tonight of all nights? Yeah, man.
It was pretty crazy.
I'm going to go grab some floor cleaner.
Do you know where it is? I think it's under the sink.
[AUDIENCE OOHS] Why is there a box full of flyers for Franzelli's grand reopening here? Oh, yeah.
I forgot I stashed those there.
But why do you have them in the first place? Well, I saw some guy putting those on cars.
Mom's restaurant was struggling back then, so I thought it would help her out.
I don't know.
Whatever.
Who cares? Um Would you mind tossing those out for me? [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS] Yeah.
I'll take care of it.
[OMINOUS INSTRUMENTALS]