Nobodies (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

Sex, Drugs and Melissa McCarthy

1 (LARRY) I didn't propose to Kristen Wiig! (JEN) He doesn't get it.
Larry, Jen gets that it was a misunderstanding, but what hurts for her is to imagine you with another woman.
What about me having to imagine her with Walter Schnitman? Nothing happened with me and Walter, I told you that! Well, even less happened with me and Kristen Wiig.
Which is a shame, because I love Kristen Wiig and it would have been very fun for me to tell my friends that one of my clients had been intimate with her.
It's not just Kristen.
It's your relationship with all your Groundlings friends.
Why don't we talk about Rachael? Now, that's interesting.
Jen, does Larry working so intimately for so long with Rachel evoke feelings of jealousy in you? Rachel Ramras? (CHUCKLES) No.
(SNORTS) Um Rachel's not Larry's type.
Can you imagine? I'm not at all attracted to Rachel Ramras.
I mean that would be like being attracted to a monkey.
Oh, she is very simian, isn't she? All teeth and hair.
You know who she reminds me of? Who's the kid from "The Jungle Book"? Mowgli, the little Indian boy.
Yes, Mowgli.
And somehow, even less feminine.
Okay, can we stop talking about Rachel Ramras? I was talking about Rachael Harris.
Oh, my God.
You're still upset about that? Rachael Harris, Rachael Harris.
How do I know that name? We slept together one time.
That was before I even met you.
We had dinner with another couple, and this is recent.
And they asked us who everyone's hall pass was, and Larry said Rachael Harris.
And you said Taye Diggs.
But I don't know Taye Diggs and I've never had sex with Taye Diggs.
But I married you! I mean, you gotta believe me when I tell you there's zero reason for you to be threatened by Rachael Harris.
I never even see her anymore.
There would be no reason for me to ever be around her.
(RACHAEL) Lady! Rachael Harris! (BOTH SQUEALING) (CHITTERING LIKE MONKEY) How fun is this? I know.
Rachael Harris.
Oh, giddyup, cowboy.
I know.
It makes no sense.
So you are Mrs.
Dorf, huh? Oh, it's every woman's fantasy.
(LAUGHS) How perfect is she as Jen? You're perfect.
I'm serious, when I thought of you, Melissa and CBS were like, why did we not think of her sooner? Oh, please.
I'm just excited to get to work with you guys on something after all these years.
Aww.
And I love Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
How sexy is he? Right, but you're married.
- Huh? - Hmm? I mean Jen, jealousy is a feeling and feelings are not always rational.
Sometimes when we can't see what's behind the curtain, we have a tendency to imagine the worst.
So, Larry, what you need to do is pull back the curtain on more of your life and allow Jen to see what's behind it.
I've never even been to his office.
What a dick.
That's because you hate the show.
Well, it would still feel nice to be invited.
- Well, then you're invited.
- Great, when? Anytime she wants.
It's called "Open Dorf Policy.
" You're Mrs.
Dorf.
I just realized who Rachael Harris is.
She's got blonde hair, glasses, very sexy? Yes.
No wonder you continue to masturbate to her.
I never said I never said I What? I never said that.
No, I know.
I said it because I believe it.
And because you have the face of a chronic masturbator.
I mean, am I supposed to say all my lines with a big ol' Texas accent? Just do what you did for the table read.
It's a rehearsal.
Yeah, if Melissa doesn't like it, she'll let you know.
Hi, lovely people! Hello, hello, hello! Look out! Oh, my gosh.
Hi there! (LAUGHING) Oh, it's so fun.
Look at what you have done, these gorgeous sets and this gorgeous cast, and This looks so good, it seems like it could direct itself.
(LAUGHING) But it can't! Of course it can't.
Because this takes a village.
I'm gonna trademark that.
Apple box! We all have to kind of switch modes.
I know this has so far been a party for all of us.
Thank you so much.
What a sweet thought.
But now, it's time for business, and it's the business of show, okay? And when I take this hat off and put on my director's hat, things are going to change.
Now, rule number one is don't (BLEEP) with me.
You will hear that all day.
It will grow with intensity and I will never not mean it, and I promise you that.
Do not (BLEEP) with me.
Hi, Rachael, oh! Are you feeling under the weather? Oh, no I'm I'm fine, I'm fine.
That's your choice.
Okay.
Oh, no, no, no, it's my wardrobe.
A little makeup will help later.
So just keep it in mind.
We are not here to spitball ideas.
If you spit at me, I will come back at you with a venom spit that will drop you to your knees.
We will not be throwing anything against any wall because it will never stick! Okay, and rule number two (WHISPERING) let's have fun.
- Okay.
- (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Oh, I don't know! Hugh? - Hugh! - Uh, yes.
Thank you.
How kind of you.
Steve, will you take Thank you.
- Dave.
- Thank you.
No, it's Melissa.
You might want to You might wanna You might wanna check your call sheet.
Oh, boy.
Ah-ah-ah-ah! You don't want to put that down, trust me, trust me.
Hold it, hold it, cradle it like a baby.
You'll thank me later.
(MELISSA) Okay.
I think that's looking okay.
Now, why is this here? The refrigerator? We're in the kitchen.
I'm aware that we're in the kitchen, Steve.
My question was, why is it here? Because I hate it here.
We could get somebody to move it.
You know what? Forget it.
I'll do it.
I don't have enough on my plate.
I started as a P.
A.
This'll just put me inside a a different union.
This'll get me into the 44.
You want it done? You gotta do it your You just gotta do it yourself.
(MELISSA GRUNTING) That's okay.
I didn't want any more kids anyway.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Okay.
(WHISPERING) Hello? Hey, where is everyone? We're on stage rehearsing with Mussolini.
Rehearsing? Thanks for telling me.
You said you had therapy with Jen.
Well, it would still feel nice to be invited.
(MARK-PAUL) Well, it looks like we'll never have sex again.
No, we just have to wait until my parents go to sleep.
Great, and then we're gonna pan over here and we see Mary Ellen and Curtis asleep on the couch and big laugh.
And big laugh! (SCATTERED LAUGHTER) Ha ha ha ha! Oh, okay, and then we come back to Larry and Jen.
7:30 same bedtime as the kids.
- That's convenient.
- (CHUCKLES) Cut.
Stop Uh, Mark-Paul, what would you call that? A kiss.
Just says kiss.
Does it say a kiss from the 1950s? (LAUGHS) Because, wow.
This is I just want you to put a little more a little more something.
A little of the old M.
P.
into it.
- Okay.
- Maybe Maybe a little bit of tongue.
A little something dicey, let's spice it up.
Yeah, I just I don't know if I I don't think I'd really give her tongue.
Wow, what a blow to you.
What a blow to you.
Women in Hollywood.
(LAUGHS) Oh, boy, I'll tell you what.
I've got this foxy blonde bombshell in front of me.
Right.
And respectfully, if I may step - into your character's shoes - Please.
I'd take her, and I'd want to do this.
- Okay.
- I'd want to be like, wow.
What am I looking at? And then I'd go in.
Okay? Just put her back up.
This is the good stuff.
- Come on, let's try it again.
- Okay.
- Why is Rachael Harris here? - She's Jen.
- When did that happen? - I suggested her.
- What?! - What? If you are talking, then you're walking! That's the one person we cannot have as Jen.
I had sex with Rachael Harris! - Today?! - What? No, it was, like, 12 years ago.
- Then who cares? - Jen cares! - Oh, my God.
- Okay? We were finally coming together, and now you've ruined my marriage.
- My life is over.
- Well, I didn't know any of that.
This is like that time that Matt Cabral caught me masturbating in seventh grade and I was convinced he was gonna tell the whole school, so I thought the only solution was that I had to kill Matt Cabral.
What are you talking about? You're gonna kill Jen? I don't know.
I'm just thinking out loud, all right? I'm trying to solve a problem.
It's not a problem yet, okay? It's not like Jen's here.
Larry! Rachel! Hi, honey! Hey! You're here.
You're right here, right now.
You're doing exactly what we talked about in therapy and you're stopping by unannounced.
Is that okay? Yes, it's great.
So what are you guys doing? Oh! What are we Um You know, I'm taking a smoke break.
I didn't know you smoked.
Oh, yeah.
Big, big smoker.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
(CHUCKLES) I And I don't got 'em right now on me.
I gotta bum one.
You guys talk, I'm gonna bum.
Sir? Can I, um (CHUCKLES) Hey, neighbor.
Hey, Larry.
This came to my house by mistake.
You opened it.
- Oh, yeah.
- And cut, cut! I am so sorry, Mark-Paul, but, Hugh, the more I'm looking at this outfit, I'm just hating it.
Oh, thank God, right? It makes no sense.
It's crazy.
I shouldn't be wearing this.
No, the idea is phenomenal.
It's a fit issue.
Okay, it's just so voluminous and sloppy, sloppy, sloppy! I Just look at this.
Baggy pants? I mean, am I right when I think of an American cowboy, I think long, lean lines, John Wayne.
Or maybe I don't have to be a cowboy.
That's crazy! You're the neighbor.
Can I get some grip clips? Are you thinking the same thing I My God.
That took you long enough.
Do you mind? No.
I mean, I know it's below your pay grade, but No, no, no, please.
Now, bear with me, and you tell me if I've gone crazy.
I just want to get the seat just like that.
Oh, wow.
You wanna clamp all of that up.
Got that.
We're gonna take up the Now, we're gonna pull in the line of this leg.
Oh, mm-hmm.
Do you see where I'm going with this? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay, have you tailored before? 'Cause your handoffs are amazing.
And I think they'll put a dart probably in here somewhere.
Hey! Jen! - Hi.
- Hi.
What are you doing? Well, I'm smoking, Hugh.
It's my smoke break.
Where did you get it? I bummed it from Alan, the grip.
- Thanks, man! - Anytime, sweetie.
You look great.
Is this for the show? Oh, yeah, although not the jeans.
Evidently, the jeans need to be tighter.
Rachael's already there getting fitted for a sexier top.
What? No, I'm not.
I'm right here.
I'm in a very sexy top, and I'm Rachel, and I'm here.
Let's go look at the office.
Open the door for you.
- Thank you.
- Huh? Oh, wow, it's It's really nice.
I am really proud of you, Larry.
After all these years, you've really made it.
Mmm And I know it was for me and the kids.
Mm-hmm.
Is that your private office? That's Right there.
Go take a look.
That's where I executive produce.
Right.
Oh, wow.
You still haven't cast someone to play me? Mm-mmm.
Oh, I feel bad.
I feel like I've made it impossible for you to find someone.
- No.
- I mean, honestly, at this point, I'd be happy with anyone.
I mean, maybe not Rachael Harris.
No, never.
Well, I should get back to the babies.
All right.
All right, let me Gentleman.
I'm a gentleman.
(CHUCKLES) (RACHEL) You sure you don't want to sit down? I can't.
When I sit down, it cuts off the circulation to my feet.
I don't know what you want me to do! I have an idea, I have an idea.
Give me that.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER FROM CREW) Now, let's go out and get a Christmas tree like normal people, huh? (LAUGHTER) Hey, Melissa? Do you want us to cross out? What Now, what was that? (HUGH) You cannot just fire Rachael Harris because you think your wife will be jealous.
Well, maybe we fire her because she's not a very good actress.
Pfft! I was not blown away by her performance at rehearsal.
- You were not at rehearsal.
- And she was great.
You can't just fire her for no reason, Larry.
Well, then how do we get rid of her? Well, if we were on an episode of "The Shield," we would just plant drugs on her.
But maybe it'd be better for you to follow something like Scooby-Doo and get dressed up like a werewolf and then you can scare her away.
Hey, I got a call from CBS.
Kevin Thune wants us to come by his office.
- When? - Now.
- Well, I gotta change.
- Man, he said right now.
You guys just go.
I gotta figure something out here.
Cool.
You weren't invited.
(HUGH) Well, if we were on an episode of "The Shield," we would just plant drugs on her.
Hey, man.
Hey, man.
I just wanted to stop by.
I feel like we've barely talked.
Yeah, okay.
Sure.
Yeah, please.
Whew! Yeah I hope you don't mind, but Rachel shared with me that that you're in recovery.
You know, for drugs.
She knows I don't mind.
I'm sort of an open book.
You know what they say.
You're only as sick as your secrets.
Right, I know that, because I'm also in recovery.
For drugs.
Brother.
Um Um, where'd you buy your drugs? I'm just asking 'cause I'm always fascinated by my fellow drug users' stories.
Like, you know, where'd you buy 'em, how much you pay for 'em.
Are there code words that you should be aware of, or do you just say "give me cocaine"? How's everyone doing? - Great.
- Wonderful.
- Yeah.
How's working with Melissa McCarthy? That's got to be fun.
Look, we love the show, we love the script.
All the elements are there.
I'm gonna be totally honest with you.
We're strongly considering "Open Dorf Policy" for an early pickup.
Oh, God! But, as we're looking at our fall schedule, we're noticing something.
It's very white.
So we're gonna need this to be a more diverse show.
So, recast? Not everyone.
We love Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
He's great.
So funny.
No, we're thinking Larry's wife and in-laws could be African-American.
Oh, so So Rachael Harris would be fired? And Mary Ellen and Curtis.
This kind of thing happens.
Casting will take care of it.
Oh, and I'd I'd be out, too, as the as the neighbor, right? 'Cause that would be now the African-American.
No, the neighbor would be white.
A diverse show still needs RSA.
What is RSA? Red State Appeal.
The cowboy gives us that.
Can I ask a question? Um, it may not be PC.
Well, maybe this isn't a great place for that kind of a question.
So we're we're all saying "African-American," right? But then you said "white," instead of Caucasian, which is totally fine, totally doesn't bother me, 'cause I actually think when people say "African-American" instead of "black," right, it sounds, like, more racist.
Do you know what I mean? Like Like they're overcompensating, Like, "I'm so racially sensitive, I say 'African-American.
'" You know what I mean? Like, it just sounds so racist, right? And I'm I'm not racist.
I don't say African-American.
I say black white.
Mexican, Chinese.
Like Like if I want to leave this meeting, okay, and I want to say to someone, "I had this great meeting," but I can't remember your guys' names, you would want me to say it was with this white guy, this gay guy and this beautiful black lady, right? (CHUCKLES) I would not.
And I'm not gay.
(HUGH) He did say they're considering us for an early pickup, right? He said "strongly considering.
" You're gonna be the series regular of a CBS sitcom.
You're gonna be famous! You can dump Sam for a younger model.
Oh, wow, Maybe I'll finally have a shot with you.
You only date famous actors.
- Hey! - (RACHEL) Hey.
I have great news.
I bet it's not as great as ours.
Rachael Harris is getting fired! What? Yeah, they're recasting the show with black people.
African-Americans, my God.
Oh, God.
Come with me! Come! Quick, hurry! Oh, God! (GROANING) Oh, God, it's locked! I must've locked it.
What is going on? I planted drugs in Rachael Harris' trailer.
- What?! - He told me to do it! What?! Where did you get drugs? Well, first I asked Mark-Paul.
- What?! - Yes.
And he was absolutely no help.
And then I saw the grip that you bummed your cigarette from and I asked him, and he knew exactly where to get it.
We both bought two bags of cocaine, and mine is now in Rachael Harris' trailer.
Well, we gotta get it out of there, Larry.
I'm aware of that! You know what? I've been in one of these big trailers before.
When I was on the hit movie "Evan Almighty" Oh, my God! With Rachael Harris.
We were both in her big trailer and we were having sex.
You had sex with Rachael Harris? Yes, on the hit movie "Evan Almighty.
" God, stop saying "the hit movie 'Evan Almighty!'" Well, she was on top of me, and I remember looking up, and I saw there was like a tiny hatch, so I bet if we could just, like climb through this hatch.
- How? - I don't know, you're tiny.
You could just climb up there like a little monkey.
Fine, but I'm doing this for Rachael Harris, not for you! I don't want to go by myself, I'm scared! Well, I can't go.
I have to be the lookout.
Oh, okay.
I'll go with you.
Okay.
Hey, do you know where I put Melissa's stuff? Her cape, her hat? I can't help you out.
(EXHALES) Ugh! Oh, God.
You guys ready to see Daddy and invite him to come back home? Yay, Daddy! (RACHEL) Oh, God! Just let go! Don't tell me what to do! Okay Jesus.
One, two, three Oh, God! Ow! Ahh! Do you see it? What does it look like? It's cocaine! You've never seen a movie with cocaine in it? It's like white powder.
It should be in a bag and look like flour or something.
This it? Yes! (STRAINING) What are you doing now? Trying to get out, Hugh.
You use the door! Rachael Harris! (WHISPERING) Just stay in there! Hey.
I am so sorry.
(RACHAEL) Aw, it's okay.
It's just You know how these things go.
Yeah.
It's Minorities coming in here, taking our jobs.
Uh, you know, it's It's terrible.
No, it's it's fine.
- I'm gonna get my stuff.
- Wait.
It's gonna be okay.
Oh, I can't go to jail.
When one door closes, another door opens.
Okay, thanks, Lar.
Let me just give you one more hug.
I knew it! Larry do you have a boner? What? No! It's my jeans.
It's the zipper.
Rachael! Is Is this your trailer? I I thought it was my trailer.
Uh, because it says "Rachel.
" And And I just was coming in here to, um Do this cocaine.
Larry! Strong stuff, huh? Check out that cowboy on the roof.
What's that dude doing?