Nobodies (2017) s02e08 Episode Script

Tape Night

1 Mr.
and Mrs.
Dorf, thank you for coming in before school.
I just wanted to talk a little bit about Elliot's behavior.
When you say "a little bit", do you mean that this is not gonna be a long meeting? Just 'cause I do have to get to work.
Oh, that's right.
Because you care about your TV show more than our son.
- Uh, no, actu - You know what? Maybe the reason the reason Elliot's having problems is because he saw you hugging another woman, Larry.
As I told you many times, Jen, the reason I was hugging her is because she just got fired.
It was not because I have romantic feelings for her.
Rachel Harris, that's who we're talking about.
Oh, yes.
She's beautiful.
The glasses, yeah.
Yeah, she has glasses.
She was in my pilot.
- It was for CBS.
- Mmm.
It's, um, it's called "Open Dorf Policy.
" I'm the creator of it.
- Wow.
- We're actually shooting the pilot tonight, it's a big deal Are you done jerking off on Mr.
Chakravarty, Larry? I'm not jerking off on Mr.
No one should be jerking off on me.
We should be talking about Elliot.
He's been doing a lot of very inappropriate, - very offensive name calling.
- (PHONE BEEPS) I'm sorry, I do have to check this.
It might be work.
Just flight deals to Newark.
You know what, Larry? Why don't you just go film your pilot because that's obviously - all that matters to you.
- She doesn't get it! (JEN) What don't I get? You are all that matters.
If tonight somehow goes well, I'm gonna finally get everything that I've been working so hard for.
I'm gonna finally be successful.
I'm gonna finally be a somebody.
And that somebody is gonna finally be able to provide for his family.
And none of that is gonna matter because I won't have you.
That is sweet.
Is that all you're eating for breakfast? Yep.
You think you're being healthy, but in two hours, you're gonna be starving and you're gonna make bad choices.
Says the woman who married a man she met at musical theater camp.
Tonight's the big tape night! I know.
I'm so excited.
Tonight, tonight, won't just be any night.
Remember that from "West Side Story"? - Yep.
- From musical theater camp.
- Where you had your first kiss.
- Okay.
- With me.
- Oh, we get it.
Lois, you're gonna be late for school.
- I'm nervous about tonight.
- Why? What if Hugh forgets his lines? Hugh's not gonna forget his lines.
And Mark-Paul's not gonna forget his lines.
I wasn't thinking about Mark-Paul.
Well, everyone's gonna be great.
Okay? Give me a kiss.
- Love you.
- I love you.
Love you, Moddy.
(ETHAN) I love you more.
- No, I love you more.
- Impossible.
Let's go to school, monkey monkey.
- Hey, remember this? - Yep.
- She could never hold that.
- You know, I bet.
- Can I ask you a question? - Is it about your hair? What? No.
Okay, well, let me know if you want my opinion.
Did you and Lois always get along so well? Like, when you and Michael first started dating? Oh, Mark-Paul.
Yeah, she's a little cool to him, isn't she? I'm sure it just takes time, right? Well, what's she like when it's just the three of you? I don't know that it's ever just been the three of us.
Maybe that's your answer.
Okay, if you're not gonna ask, I'm just gonna tell you.
It's shapeless, so whether it's highlights or layers, I don't know, but you gotta do something because everybody's laughing at you behind your back.
Enjoy your day.
" What? No, I'm fine.
What? No! "Trapped.
" - Ahh - 45 points.
- Okay.
- Your turn.
I think you got me beat here.
Um, and I better get, I better get going to work.
I thought your call time wasn't until, like, 1:00.
It's only 9:20.
Right, I guess I guess we got a couple more hours then.
Hey, I had an idea.
Um Obviously, since I'm not doing anything and, um, after tonight, you won't be doing anything until you hear if the show's picked up, what if we worked on something together? What? I mean, I'm a producer.
I have a million ideas.
You're a writer.
I mean, we could do it together.
I mean, who says you only have to work with Larry and Rachel? Uh Yeah, I mean, it could be a romantic comedy? I mean, this is kind of romantic.
- What? - Our lives.
Right now, you taking care of me.
I mean - A, a princess - Uh-huh.
Falls off her horse, and realizes that her Prince Charming was the handsome stable boy all along.
(WHISPERS) That's you.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, let me think about it.
Um I'm gonna, I'm gonna grab some more coffee.
And and I'll, I'll be thinking.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING) - Hi! - Hey! God damn, you just open the door? What're you, animals? He's nervous.
It's coming across as mean.
- I am not nervous.
- Well, you should be nervous.
I'm very nervous.
I mean, this is the biggest deal, professionally, the three of us have ever had.
We should have a drink.
- What is that? - It's a can of wine.
You keep wine in your purse? Well, I have to sneak it 'cause of Mark-Paul.
That's a good relationship.
- For the actor.
- Thank you.
- The creator.
- Mmm.
And the writer.
- Before we drink.
- Oh.
Let me make a toast.
To the Larry Dorf show.
I know it's not exactly as we envisioned it, but I still think it's a hell of an accomplishment.
And though I'm loathe to admit it, and I like to pretend I'm above this kind of bullshit, secretly, I am so very, very, very, very, very excited to be acting on a TV show.
And it wouldn't be happening without the two of you.
You've changed.
(CHUCKLING) Wow, that's hot.
Well, I have to keep it in the trunk of my car in case Mark-Paul goes through my purse.
Sorry, um, Cedric the Entertainer has a question about the script.
(CEDRIC) Come in.
Entertainer, you wanted to see us? You know, I thought I was gonna be talking to that, uh, the guy Dave, the showrunner.
Oh, uh, Dave, uh, was let go.
Um, he lost some personal items belonging to Melissa McCarthy and evidently that was grounds for his dismissal.
Hmm, um, I got a couple questions about this script.
So, from what I can tell from my character Curtis, he's anti-Semitic and homophobic.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
So how do I feel about white people in general? I think maybe Curtis isn't, uh, particularly excited that his daughter has, has married this white guy.
You think maybe? You know what I think maybe? I think maybe three white people wrote a story about white people, and then just arbitrarily decided to cast black people for no reason.
(GASPS) So, you say "black people.
" What exactly made you think that you can tell this story? Are any of you guys in an interracial marriage? - No.
- I am.
Hmm? Really? - No.
- Um, Mr.
Entertainer Okay, right there.
Quit it with the "Mr.
Entertainer" stuff.
That's not my last name, you dumb shits.
Uh, I'm very sorry.
Uh, Cedric "Cedric"? You just gonna roll up and call me Cedric? I, I don't know what your, your real last name is.
- I don't know what to call you.
- (LAUGHING) I'm kidding, man.
I got you, I got you.
Go ahead, go ahead, finish telling me the story.
Curtis doesn't like Larry because Larry's an unlikeable person, and that's all.
That I get.
But I'ma tell you what I don't get, - is your hair.
- Hmm? - Ben! - Falcy! - Hey! - Hey, gang, how are you? Oh, man, you caught me.
Uh, this is just some cast gifts from me and Melissa.
- Hugh.
- Oh, Ben! - (CHUCKLING) And Rachel.
- Aww! That's actually for Mark-Paul.
He wasn't in his dressing room.
Ben, you, you did not have to do this.
Oh, this is just standard.
You know, industry standard.
Bits and bubbles, a few things we found laying around.
You got me a phone? Yeah.
I think you're really gonna enjoy it.
It's a nice one, it's top of the line.
And we got you some headphones because Melissa's partnering with B&O and Sia.
They're very comfortable, especially if you're cruising around the world.
You got me tickets on a cruise? (BEN) Yes, an oceanfront penthouse, they're calling it.
Anytime you wanna go, anywhere in the world you wanna go, Melissa's partnering with Viking Cruises.
And Sia.
Well, it, it's incredibly generous.
Yeah, normally we would do a lot more, except we thought in this particular case, the creator should probably give the best gifts.
So we'll leave that to Larry.
All right, later, gators.
I got some more gifts to deliver.
Everybody decent? (CHUCKLING) There she is.
I come bearing gifts.
Not from me, but - From Larry? - Oh, no.
Ben and Melissa.
Larry's is I'm sure coming.
I was thinking maybe, um, tomorrow we could take Lois to the beach.
Just you, me, and her.
- Oh, wow.
- Or not.
I mean, we don't have to if it's too fast or weird No, no.
That'd be great.
Okay, but I mean, you'd tell me if you were like, "Oh, my God.
This is so much pressure" or something.
It's like, it's not a test Yeah, no, it's not.
It's a day at the beach.
Let's do it.
- (MAKEUP ARTIST) You're good.
- Okay, thank you.
Yeah, I gotta get dressed.
Day at the beach.
Looking forward to it.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
What do you think of my hair? Just looks like it doesn't know what it wants to be.
When they call "action", (WHISPERING) we're all gonna get really quiet.
Then when they say something funny, what're we gonna do? (CROWD LAUGHING) (WARM-UP COMIC) That was so good! "Oh, it's funny 'cause it's authentic.
" I figured it out.
My gift to the cast.
I have an unbelievably great plan.
I'm gonna say that I'm making a charitable donation in their names.
Am I gonna make that donation? Of course not.
Am I gonna look like a hero? Yes.
You're a disgusting person.
What charity do you not want to help out today? Larry, I'm not participating in this.
I'm not participating in this either.
That's the beauty of this plan.
Hey, Ben, we're just wondering when Melissa's getting here? Well, she's at the doctors.
It's kind of an emergency.
I just want you to know I have absolute faith in you, Dr.
Oh, thank you.
But I'm not a doctor.
(LAUGHING) Oh, I keep forgetting.
Oh, doctor, schmoctor, right? (HEARTY CHUCKLE) Here we go.
(GASPING) Oh Oh, that feels That feels unusual.
My secret is I mix filler and Botox in one shot.
(SIGHING) Well That left eye is gonna start opening in a couple of days.
Oh, no worries here.
This could be a problem, because she's the director.
I'll just do it.
Yeah, I direct movies.
How much harder can it be? Probably a lot easier, right? Uh, Courtney, can we go on a bell please? - (BELL RINGING) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Um, do you like "Tammy" better or "The Boss" better? Hard to pick, I know.
They're all my babies.
I don't know.
They're all my babies.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Oy gevalt! (LAUGHTER) I have an idea.
Give me this.
(BLOWING) (TRASH CAN OPENING, CLOSING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Now, let's go get a Christmas tree like some normal people.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) (BEN) And cut! Okay, and that's a wrap, everybody.
Uh, I have the Midas touch.
This is gonna be a big hit.
You're welcome.
So, let's give it up one more time for the cast of "Open Dorf Policy".
Here they come.
(APPLAUSE) Starring our Larry, Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Thank you so much, you've been such a great audience.
Give me.
Let me.
Here, I wanna say a few words here.
Thank you so much.
You've been such a great audience.
My name is Larry Dorf, I'm the creator of "Open Dorf Policy", uh, and this is all such a dream come true.
But I do want to say that none of it would mean anything if it weren't for my beautiful wife, Jen, who's right up here in the front row.
Jen, I love you so much.
(ALL AWING) Stand up for everybody.
(APPLAUSE) Can we get a spotlight on her please? Who's a lucky guy, huh? I get to lay with that.
And how about this cast? (APPLAUSE) Wonderful.
I bet they're thinking that I forgot to get them a cast gift but they are wrong.
Because my gift to them is a charitable donation in their names for $100,000 to, um, The United Way.
Hold up.
Larry, CBS would like to match your generous donation dollar for dollar to The United Way, who we recently partnered with.
(APPLAUSE) - Daddy! - Daddy! - Hey! - Daddy! Ahh! Come here, come here.
Come here, I missed you guys.
How long have you been awake? Oh, I don't know that I ever was asleep.
Oh, wow.
Paul already wrote back.
- He loves the idea.
- What idea? - Our movie.
- You told Paul? I didn't even say I want to do it.
That's why I'm a producer.
I make things happen.
(LAUGHING) I mean, if it were up to you, nothing would ever happen, right? Yeah, you're probably right.
Babe, I think you need to have more initiative.
You need to figure out what you want and go after it.
Uh, okay.
Maybe I'll go for a quick run.
Take off the "maybe.
" I, Hugh, am gonna go for a quick run because that is what I want.
That's what I want.
Have fun.
Is your card the king of clubs? Whoa, how'd you do that? A magician never reveals his secrets.
Please? Okay, okay.
(LAUGHING) Literally the only trick you can do with this deck.
Hey, kiddo, check it out.
(LOIS) Whoa, that's so cool.
That looks terrifying.
Terrifying? Looks like fun.
See? (MARK-PAUL) We should get one of those skim boards.
They gotta sell 'em around here someplace, right? There's a surf shop down the street.
She does not need a skim board.
I think she does.
What do you think? I'll be right back.
Don't have too much fun without me.
You are such a little rat.
I didn't ask him to get me one.
Oh, really? Okay.
He's pretty nice, though, huh? Hugh! - Hugh! - Hey! Hi! (HUGH) Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
How are you? Oh, God, you're so sweaty.
Well, I just ran.
My God, I just ran 7.
8 miles.
I have a card trick for you.
Oh, do you? I'm dying to see it.
Okay, pick a card.
Is this your card? Yes, and it looks like they're all my card.
- You - You little rat! You're trying to trick me? I'm an old man.
(LOIS) Will you get in the water with me? - Please? - Okay.
'Cause you said please, you little nitwit.
Come on.
Can I take a picture of you guys? With your fancy phone.
All right, let's do it.
Here, I'll take one of you and mommy.
Oh, wow, okay.
(LAUGHING) Sweaty guy.
- You don't have to.
- (LOIS) One, two, three, cheese! (HUGH PANTING) Thought you said you were going for a quick run.
Oh, uh, yeah, sorry.
I, uh, I really lost track of time out there.
I'm gonna take a shower, you need anything? No.
- (PHONE VIBRATING) - (SHOWER RUNNING) Sleep tight, munchkin.
- I love you.
- Love you.
Mommy? Why can't you be with Hugh? Well.
I'm with Mark-Paul, right? And Hugh has a girlfriend.
And she's nice, and he's so happy.
So you should get some sleep, okay? - I love you.
- I love you too.
Mommy? What if Hugh didn't have a girlfriend? Well, he does.
So, that's that.
(SAM) You don't look at me like that.
And I deserve to be with someone who looks at me the way you look at Rachel.
Yes, I know.
So what do you want to do? You can't even do it.
The words We speak We spoke I'm so sorry.
Just don't get into another relationship until you're over her.
One little hitch in the plan I did everything I can But I'm so Predictable