Nobodies (2017) s02e09 Episode Script

Rob In The Hood

1 Sia, I just want to thank you so much for agreeing to do this.
I didn't agree to do it.
I don't know why I'm here.
In what universe would me, Sia, the pop star, sing a theme song to a TV show? That's so What a wonderful, ironic question.
In my universe.
Your manager and I had a little dinner last night, somebody drank two bottles of wine, and he signed several things for me, so I technically own you.
Are we clear about that? That's why you're here.
In what universe you would be here is in my fucking universe.
I've given you jewels in the shape of lyrics and I would like you to parrot them for me.
Shall we give it a go? Okay, we're singing with an American accent 'cause we want people to like it.
- I'm singing in American.
- Thank you.
And America thanks you.
Five, six, seven, eight Married life Four kids and a wife Pressures are high I'm not gonna lie She's black and he's white And they're starting a fight But not over race There's simply not enough space But how bad can it be When you've got an Open Dorf Policy? An Open Dorf Policy An Open Dorf Policy - Full breath! - An Open Dorf Policy, ya It's "policy.
" Not policy-ya.
Are you saying your own goddamn name? I put my name in all my songs.
You get your red bow in the fucking game, Sia.
You're a mean woman.
Well, you're gonna find out.
Uh, Melissa, I'm sorry, but that was way too long.
That was 52 seconds and this needs to be 15.
Fifteen seconds? Well, that would have been handy to know ahead of You know what? Let's get rid of that.
Ben wrote that line, most of that Well, we actually exchanged numerous e-mails and we had a few phone calls and there was that meeting yesterday, so I would have liked one of those e-mails.
Anything, actually, at all.
Let's take this out, this out, the third one, go back to the second, then probably loop around, and I want I want to hear the thunder from down under.
Five, six, seven, eight! Married life Four kids and a wife An Open Dorf Policy An Open Dorf Policy, yeah An Open Dorf Policy yeah, yeah Twelve seconds.
Fuck you.
What are they doing? That grill's broken.
He's been trying to fix it all day.
He said I did something to the OPD valve.
I don't know what the hell you did to this OPD valve, you sorry son of a bitch.
Anyone find it odd that you're having a big celebration for basically, your in-laws moving out of your house.
No.
But it's also for our pilot.
And, um But mostly for them leaving.
(HUGH) So how are you gonna manage your 50 kids? I forgot to tell you, we got an au pair.
That's her right there.
You don't have to pay 'em, you just gotta give 'em lodging and an American experience.
Maybe you should give her an American experience.
Single guy.
- How about maybe I don't? - (LAUGHING) (CELL PHONE CHIMING) Oh, my God.
It's the United Way.
They really want that $100,000.
- Hey, Hugh.
- Hi.
Larry told me about you and Sam.
I'm so sorry.
I think it's probably for the best, so.
- (DOORBELL) - Oh, that's Rachel and Mark-Paul! (HUMMING) - Hugh! - Whoa! Hey, kiddo.
I'm so glad you're here.
Nice to see you too, Lois.
Larry.
So sorry we're late.
It's totally my fault.
I forgot this, we had to go back.
Ah, what'd you guys bring? Some sort of a yummy dessert? It's a bunch of boneless, skinless chicken breasts.
I'm doing a 24-hour mud run this weekend.
Ah, so no pizza, huh? I wish.
Getting really tired of these chicken breasts.
Mmm.
That is good pizza.
Yeah, it does look good, yeah.
What kind of pizza is it? Little Caesar's.
- Three meat treat.
- Mmm.
Have a bite.
Try a bite.
- What's one bite? - Mm-mmm.
He can't.
Hi, I'm Jen, I'm Larry's wife.
- Oh.
- I'm such a fan.
Good to meet you.
You have a beautiful house.
Oh, no, it's such a mess, I'm so embarrassed.
(LAUGHING) I I didn't know that you were coming.
Oh, it's It's not messy, you have kids.
This is what a house should look like.
(GIGGLES) Can I get you a drink? We have beer, wine.
No, he can't, he's an alcoholic.
- Recovering.
- Recovering.
- Right.
- (LOIS) Mommy, look! Jack, your penis is private.
- Put it away.
- Oh.
Where's Sam? Uh, not here.
Oh, she's still laid up.
Mm-hmm.
Who's Sam? Hugh's girlfriend.
Uh, Hugh's former girlfriend.
We broke up.
Oh, man, I'm sorry to hear that.
Really? Uh, honey, why don't Why don't you go play? - Mom! - Lois.
Not with Jack, though! So what happened? You must be television's Larry Dorf.
Hey.
You're a hell of an improvement over the real-life Larry Dorf.
Ah, no, no, no.
(CHUCKLES) What are you guys talking about? About how much better I like this kid than you.
About how I wish he were my son-in-law.
(CHUCKLES) That's wonderful.
- Here's your water.
- Thank you.
- You don't drink? - No.
Jesus.
I can't get out of this queer town fast enough.
Sleeves up or down? I don't care.
Are you nervous? No.
What a bunch of random people in a focus group think about our show? What do I care? Well, you should care.
If they hate it, CBS isn't gonna pick it up and then we'll be out of work and we'll have to kill ourselves.
What if they like the show, but they don't like your character? I don't like my character.
What kind of person would agree to be in a focus group? Team Fartlemans! - Oh, my God.
- Hey.
Hey, I just focus-grouped your show, Davidson.
I saw your acting! Boop.
But, hey, Dorf, you know what? I like the guy playing you.
I think I live TV Dorf better than real-life Dorf.
Oh.
So did people like it? They liked it okay.
Well, was there anything they didn't like? Uh, Davidson.
But the main thing they said was, it's an interracial family, but there's no reason for it.
I mean, either talk about it or don't, but if you don't, then why'd you do it? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think we do know what you're saying.
They're not gonna pick it up.
We are gonna be out of work.
Maybe we can get our job back at "The Fartlemans.
" "The Fartlemans" was canceled.
Really? Wow.
Well, Allen still loves us.
He'll put us on one of his other dumb cartoons.
Alan's in jail.
- What? - What? Yeah, he killed his wife.
He killed his wife? - How? - With a sword.
- Why? - Why does anyone do anything? For love.
Excuse me.
They're ready to see you.
Overall, there's a lot to be encouraged by here.
Sure, hindsight being 20/20, we probably should have made some adjustments to the script once we decided to make the cast more diverse, so we'll need to do some reshoots, but first, we'll want to tweak the script.
Oh, well, that's easy.
I mean, we've written for, um African Americans.
African Americans.
Before we wrote "Open Dorf Policy," we were writing a movie called "Robbin' Hood.
" Yeah, it's a modern retelling of Robin Hood with all African-American people.
In this version, Robin is robbing from the rich and giving to da hood.
Which does not have anything to do with any of this.
Well, maybe it does.
Right now, we're missing a hook.
Originally, the hook was Larry's in-laws move in.
But now that the cast is more diverse, we need the hook to reflect that.
So, what if we make Larry Rob and he's living with his African-American wife and her parents, in the hood? And we could call it "Rob in the Hood.
" I love that.
So good.
This is exciting.
I feel good.
You feel good? I feel great.
Great.
Hey, Larry, what's going on with your donation to the United Way? I got an e-mail that said we can't make our donation until they receive yours, since we're matching it.
Here's to "Rob in the Hood.
" - (GLASS CLINKING) - "Rob in the Hood.
" Kind of a bummer, though, right? It's not Larry anymore, now it's just Rob.
It's still your show.
Who cares what his name is? Also, Mark-Paul is so not a Larry.
- What does that mean? - You know, it - What? - Larry's like a dumb-guy name.
And anyway, in this new version, I'm not gonna be the neighbor anymore, right? My God, Hugh.
You have, like, a fear of success.
We're the writers.
We can make it make sense.
It didn't make sense the first time around.
It's damn sure not gonna make sense in this version.
How much you think we're gonna get paid for this rewrite? Why, 'cause you have the United Way coming down your throat? Please tell me you are looking for the phrase "breathing down your neck.
" "Breathing down your neck"? That sounds so sexual.
- What? - No.
I'll ask Ethan how much money we're gonna make.
Okay, just don't come down his throat about it.
No.
Well, we're all settled up here, we're good.
You put in no money, which is what you always do, so I guess by your definition, we're good.
Great.
I'll see you later.
(LAUGHS) So what happened with you and Sam? Well, it's a long story.
No, you know, actually, it can be summed up rather quickly.
Remember those photos of us at the beach? Well Well, that gave Sam somehow the idea that I'm still in love with you and so now she thinks Wait, wait, still? You're still in love with me? When were you in love with me? You never said you were in love with me.
Wait.
Would that have made a difference? If I had said "I love you," would that have changed everything? (MARK-PAUL) Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
I, uh, texted Mark-Paul when we left CBS.
Ah.
How was it? How was the testing? Was it good, was it bad? Uh, good.
It was good.
Something's going on here.
What is it? Did they hate me? Uh, no.
Um, they love you.
Everybody loves you.
Aw! I have something in my eye.
Yeah.
No, I test well.
I really do.
(LOUD CRUNCHING) Well, have a great trip back.
It was great having you.
We'll talk soon, okay? Okay, okay.
(GRUNTS) All right, there you go.
I love you, Daddy.
Oh, I love you too, my little girl.
And don't you worry about a thing.
I think Chopsticks knows what she's doing with those kids.
Her name's Lihuan, but thank you.
Good-bye, Daddy.
Curtis.
You dumb son of a bitch.
You fought for your family and you won.
Do me a favor.
Keep your dick out of my daughter.
We can't have you making any more kids you can't take care of.
Ooh, there's something right here.
Huh.
(LAUGHING) Right.
Every time.
Every single time.
All right.
(ENGINE STARTS) (DOORBELL) Hey, kiddo.
Hey, adulto.
Is your mom here? She lives here.
Can I see her? (MICHAEL) Hey.
- Hey, Michael.
- Did you come for a dip? No, I just came to see Rachel.
Rachel! Rachel! Would you stop shouting? - Hi, Mark-Paul.
- Hi.
Where's Rachel? I don't know, ask her Ambien.
Hi.
- Hello.
- How are you? How are you? Hi, hi, hi.
Hi.
Do you mind? Oh, I'm sorry.
We should give you some space in our home.
Michael.
I have something to show you.
- Mmm.
- Come, come.
- Do you need shoes? - No, I'm good.
- All right, hop on.
- Aww! - Okay, here we go.
- Okay.
I think of my heart as an ocean (GIGGLING) What is this? Well, it used to be my office, and then I realized I don't do any work.
So I thought, you know, this could be Lois's room.
Babe! Agh, this is When did you do all this? Do you like it? I remembered no princesses.
It's incredible.
So does this mean you're Yeah, I'm asking if you and Lois want to live here.
With you.
Well, I'm not just giving you my house.
Right.
- There was so much traffic.
- Do you want a piece of gum? Oh, I'm sorry.
What were you saying? Saying something about traffic, so I was saying nothing.
You want to know an interesting fact? Are you sure it's gonna be interesting? A lot of times you do this and it is not interesting.
Sometimes it's not a fact.
I guarantee, this is interesting.
The last time we were at ICM meeting with Ethan Flaum, you were thinking of moving in with Sam.
And now here we are again and you just moved out of Sam's.
Not interesting.
What about Mark-Paul? What What do you mean? Am I moving in with Mark-Paul? Huh? No, like, who's he repped by? Is he at ICM? Uh, no.
Interesting.
What do you think "interesting" means? Larry, Hugh and Rachel, Ethan's ready for you.
Love your bag.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Oh.
Hope you don't mind, I'll be sitting in on the meeting.
I'm shadowing Ethan.
Training to become an agent.
- Ah.
- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Can't answer phones the rest of my life.
I'm also a singer, shh.
Well, I think it's gonna be a pretty quick meeting.
We're just gonna find out how much we're getting paid to rewrite a script.
What? You are no longer the creator of the show.
How is that possible? Well, if I may.
Ethan, just to make sure I'm following.
Now that the show is "Rob in the Hood," it's not technically based on your life.
If anything, it's based on this guy Rob's life.
Rob's not a real person.
Okay.
So Rob's not real.
Okay, if anything, the three of us should be co-creators, 'cause it was based on our screenplay "Robbin' Hood.
" Really? That I did not know.
Do you have the script? Yes.
We never finished it.
But it's copyrighted.
$30 to copyright a script? That's insane.
Well, I'm not writing another word of "Robbin' Hood" until we do.
It's a scheme, it's a Ponzi scheme! That's not what it is, and you don't know what that is.
I'm with Rachel on this one.
We just had a movie idea taken away from us for this very reason.
Here's an interesting fact for you.
The chances of that happening twice to the same people? Zero.
Not copyrighted.
Well, then that's done.
So now I'm just a writer again? We're all just writers on this stupid show? No, just Rachel.
- Oh! Oh! - What? Ah! CBS is diversifying the writing staff and decided to keep only one of the original writers.
Obviously, it wouldn't be appropriate to keep either of the white males.
So they kept Rachel, 'cause she's a woman.
Bradley.
So I'm out.
Now it's just these two, he's the actor, she's the writer? Hugh's role is being rethought and definitely recast.
Cedric did not like the cowboy.
Sorry.
Any coffee? No, thank you.
Coffee? Coffee? I gotta call Jen.
What am I gonna tell her? Once again, your husband does not have a job.
Hey.
Well, once again, your husband does not have a job.
I feel so terrible.
No.
It's not your fault.
About time the white males took it on the chin.
I don't want to work without you guys.
No, you'll be great.
You'll be writing on your boyfriend's show and you'll be the funniest one in the room, so go get 'em.
(LARRY) That was amazing.
You know what she said? She said, "It doesn't matter.
We're in it together.
" That's incredible.
That is love.
Now, I know you think I'm jealous.
Because I am.
But I'm also happy for you.
Genuinely.
I don't know when we're gonna see each other again.
I mean, we usually just see each other when we work together.
But we'll keep in touch.
- Ah - The occasional e-mail.
All right.
I don't want to say good-bye.
(CHUCKLES) Then don't say good-bye.
Tell 'em what you know and all that you know, love With two beats holding even more than you thought But you manage and that's how you're leaving down Oww He's Rob, he's good He's a white man in your hood She's Jen, she's black Married a Jew and didn't look back Rob in the hood Rob in the hood - Rob in the hood - (SIREN WAILING) I say Rob in the hood Rob in the hood I say Rob in the hood Do you like it, Sia? Not really.
Well, that's because Ben wrote it.
Well, the question I have is, do you think I'm really the right artist for this gig? Well, Beyoncé already said no.
I also said no.
Just for the record, you didn't say no.
You kind of said "noooourr.
" Your accent is very difficult, so it just kind of came out slurred like "nooouurrr.
"