Nobodies (2017) s02e10 Episode Script

Alone Star State

1 (SOFTLY) Good morning.
Hi.
- How'd you sleep? - Better? I think so.
Starting to get used to it here? I think so.
- Lunchbox? - Check.
- Water bottle? - Check.
Oh, hey.
Thought I missed you guys.
You're fine.
- I meant to get up.
- You're good.
Yeah.
Have a great day, kiddo.
- Okay.
- I'll see you at work.
Yeah.
Uh, real quick, um Who has Lois this weekend? Oh, Michael and Ethan.
Yay! What's up? Well, I just have this thing and I wanted to know if you wanted to come.
What's the thing? I was nominated for an Independent Spirit Award.
Wow! Congratulations.
Mom, we're gonna be late.
Oh, okay.
- Good-bye.
- Mwah.
- One more.
- Mwah.
What's an Independent Spirit Award? Uh, I have no idea.
So, all those in favor of Groundlings open-mic night say "aye.
" - Aye.
- Aye.
All right, well, since only three of us even bother to show up, I guess it's unanimous.
All right.
Are we done? Well, there is the Larry Dorf issue.
- Ugh.
- Right.
Larry? Hello, friends.
I wish we didn't have to meet under such auspicious circumstances.
Do you know what "auspicious" means? Uh, no, I do not.
Larry, what do you have to say for yourself? Oh, I don't know.
I don't want to im-perjure myself.
"Im-perjure"? All right, um, I'm gonna read from the Groundlings brochure.
"Groundlings corporate training workshops are fun "and unlike any team-building program your company has ever experienced.
" Okay.
Now I'm gonna read from your brochure.
"Groundlings-style corporate training workshops are fun "and unlike any team-building program your company has ever experienced.
" I don't see what the problem is.
Larry, they're the same thing.
No, they're not.
Mine very clearly states "Groundlings-style," thereby differentiating my company from your company.
You can barely see the word "style.
" That's 'cause I don't want people to get hung up on that.
Larry, you are taking business away from your own theater company.
It's disgusting.
Is it illegal? It's unethical.
So not illegal.
Thank you.
Are you really not gonna show us what's in your stupid briefcase? Uh, this I just got from the prop room.
This is probably for a sketch about marbles.
"The Guest House" is a half-hour comedy Andrew and I wrote for Comedy Central, and we're looking to add a few writers.
(ANDREW) So mostly kid stuff on here.
Uh, yes, I got my start in children's animation.
Um but most recently, I was writing on a sitcom for CBS.
Oh, which one? "Open Dorf Policy.
" I don't think I've heard of that.
Did it not get picked up? It got picked up, uh but then they they changed the title.
Oh.
And the cast.
And the concept.
And the writers.
- Oh.
- Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Well, um, have you written on a show that's actually been on the air? You mean other than "The Fartlemans"? The, the cartoon.
Yeah.
Yeah, like Like a real show.
Um I wrote a spec script for "My Name is Earl" about ten years ago.
So what sitcoms do you like, like, just to get a sense of your comedic tastes, like what what do you watch? Um "Seinfeld"? So you're not really into contemporary comedy.
No, I guess not.
Well, it was nice meeting you.
Yeah.
Hello? Hi, Hugh, it's Bradley from Ethan Flaum's office.
Bradley, I really don't want to talk to Ethan right now.
Oh, actually, I'm just calling to give you some feedback from your meeting.
The terrible meeting that I just left? I just spoke with Andrew and Lindsey, the people you just met with.
Doesn't look like it's gonna go forward.
Okay, well, it was good talking to you.
Do you have any feedback for me? As a junior agent, any feedback I could get from you could be super valuable.
You did a great job, Bradley.
You told me when and where the meeting was and all I can say is you exceeded my expectations.
That's great.
I really appreciate that because Ethan has decided to give me a few of his struggling clients, and that would be you and Larry.
So congratulations.
Um, I don't know what to say to that.
- Um - (PHONE BEEPS) - Uh, hang on.
- (BEEP) - I mean, good-bye.
- Buh-by Hello? (LARRY) Are you sitting down? No, are you? I am.
I have a business proposition for you.
How would you like to go to your great state of Texas, teach improv to a bunch of businesspeople, one night, all expenses paid, $1,500 in your pocket? What are you talking about? Like a Groundlings corporate training gig? Yes, this is like a Groundlings corporate training gig, exactly.
Yeah, I'll do it.
Oh, great.
Wonderful.
(TOILET FLUSHING) Are you sitting on a toilet? No.
Add a bit of length here in the sleeve.
That looks perfect.
- Everybody decent? - I am.
Oh, shame.
(CHUCKLES) Do you have pages? Yes, I do and they are very funny because I wrote them.
You look so handsome.
This is for the Independent Spirit Awards.
- What do you think? - Mmm, gorgie.
Hey, Mark-Paul.
Can you go to the stage for a second? They're rehearsing the diner scene.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
- We good? - Good, yes.
Thank you.
Very good.
(BITSY) There we go.
Rachel, darling, really quickly.
I want to coordinate Mark-Paul's necktie with your gown.
What color are you wearing to the awards show? Just a simple black dress, you know, nothing fancy.
A black dress? It's not a cocktail party, darling.
It's a red carpet, you're going to be photographed.
You need to pop.
No, I I don't want to pop, I'm just gonna blend in.
Darling this is the first time the public will meet Mark-Paul Gosselaar's girlfriend.
You can't blend in.
This is your Amal Clooney moment.
You need to bring it.
Um I mean, look at you.
You show up at work each day, you don't even bother putting on makeup.
I'm wearing makeup.
I have very sensitive skin, so I can't war lots of makeup or I break out.
You make me so sad.
(HUGH) Well, after a stop at Salt Lake City and Phoenix, and then a long cab ride from the Austin airport, at least we are staying in the not-lovely South Austin Budget Inn.
Hey, uh, where's my room? Give me my key.
Oh, um We have to share a room.
When did Groundlings get so cheap? I'm gonna call the theater.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
This is actually not a Groundlings gig.
It's a Groundlings-style gig.
My God, Larry.
What have you gotten me into? This is better! This way we get to split the profits.
There's no overhead.
You wanna go home with the money, you don't want to spend it on a direct flight or a nice hotel.
If you are so desperate to scrimp and save, why didn't you just do this job yourself and keep all the money? Because I don't know how to teach improv.
I know how to get the job, I don't know how to do the job.
(SIGHS) This'll be fun! What, you can't go one night without masturbating? - Are you addicted? - (SIGHS) Come on.
Give it a chance, buddy, old pal.
Whoo, that's a smell, huh? - (BEN) So.
- (RACHEL) Yeah.
Let's get into it.
Why did Rach need to see B-Dog the Tree Frog? Okay, so I'm going to the Independent Spirit Awards.
Oh, right, Mark-Paul is nominated for that movie about the guy who can't go out in the sunlight.
"The Boy in the Dark.
" - Mmm, so good.
- You saw it? - Mm-mm.
- No, I didn't either.
Just I don't know, I'm nervous about the red carpet.
What is that like? You know, walking next to a celebrity? You mean what's it like, uh, walking the red carpet with another celebrity like me? No, like, what's it like for you, like, walking with a celebrity? Oh, like walking the red carpet with lots of celebrities like me.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Can I give you a piece of advice? - Yes.
Red-carpet advice that I heard from none other than Dame Judi Dench? - Oh, my God.
- She said "Sometimes, people don't know what it is you bring, so bring everything you think they will want.
" And when the photographers yell "for fashion," that is usually for the women and they want a head-to-toe shot, they wanna see the whole dress, so get those dogs out of the barn and throw it at the camera.
Act like I'm somebody.
Oh, it's gonna be great.
You're so beautiful in your own way.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
(TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, no! Come on, don't get sleepy! We gotta go out.
You gotta show me around your Austin.
I'm from San Antonio.
I don't know anything about Austin.
You just don't want to go out because you can go out anytime you want.
Oh, that's right.
That's the joy of being all alone in this world, you can go out whenever you want and no one cares.
One drink.
Oh, God, all right.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) That's the spirit.
Ooh, hold on one second.
Hey! Hi! We miss you! I miss you guys.
How are the boys, how are the babies? Lihuan is putting Connor and Ryder to sleep, and Jack and Elliot are both in a time-out because they peed on each other.
(LARRY LAUGHS) But I'm finally getting a chance to sit down.
How was your flight? It was good.
I got some pilot's wings for the boys.
How's the hotel? You know, it's a good hotel.
Hugh, what do you think of the hotel? Hugh? Hugh! Say hi to Jen.
Huh? What? Hi, Hugh! Oh, hi.
He's crabby 'cause he hasn't had a drink yet.
Well, I better let you go.
I love you.
Oh, I love you.
Bye! (PHONE BEEPS) You know what, I just got a sudden wave of tiredness.
Maybe we stay in? Yeah, you're right, we don't need to waste a bunch of money at a bar.
Maybe we'll just watch some TV.
Ooh, maybe we'll rent a porno.
Is that weird? Super.
What about this one? Aren't you supposed to wear, like, a fancy gown with red sparkles? When have you ever seen me in a gown with red sparkles? (MARK-PAUL) Okay, how's it going? Good, so good.
Yeah? You know, the car's gonna be here in a few hours.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
What are we watching, kiddo? Nickelodeon.
Nickelodeon? You gonna watch the awards show tonight? I don't know.
You don't know? Hmm.
Well, I guess I gotta make a deal with you.
If I win, which is pretty unlikely, but if I do win, and I'm up there and I'm giving my acceptance speech, and I'm thanking all the nobodies, you know, I really want to thank somebody who matters to me, which would be you, so what if we had a secret signal that I gave you, like, I don't know, maybe I could tap my head, kind of make it look like I'm thinking.
But what if that really meant "thank you, Lois"? Really? Really! If I win.
'Cause I'm up against Ryan Reynolds.
He did an Australian accent.
That's really hard.
Yeah.
Thank you, Lois.
- Promise? - I promise.
Okay, I'll leave you girls alone.
That was really sweet, wasn't it? Okay, what about this one? That looks the same as the first one.
Okay, I'm calling Daddy.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Hey.
Hey, are you busy? Mmm, kinda, why? I need to find a dress for the Independent Spirit Awards right now.
Okay, don't panic.
We will zip over to Barneys, we'll get something sleek and sexy, and if we're lucky, we'll still have time to share a chopped chicken salad at Fred's.
Thank you.
See, hon? That's why you gotta marry a gay guy.
Well Yeah, first husband.
Now, these old boys right here are from the Groundlings.
Now, that's a very famous comedy outfit out of Hollywood, and now, like I told you, a lot of very famous folks have come from the Groundlings, including Will Ferrell, Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Pee-wee Herman, and Flo from the Progressive commercials.
That lady has nice bosoms.
That's another trip to HR for you, Julio.
Thank you.
Now, we got two of those groundlings right here in Austin, Texas to teach us how to do some improv.
So, without further ado, let's give a big Texas welcome to Larry Dorf! - Larry, come on up here, son.
- (HUGH CHUCKLES) You're a cement company.
You make cement.
Now, you're probably thinking, why do I need to learn improv? Hugh? Uh, hi.
Um Improv will, uh, in fact, help you in your communication and hopefully in your in your business.
And probably the cornerstone of it is to say "yes and" to ideas, rather than, "no, I have my own idea.
" So for example, when Larry put me on the spot and made me entirely responsible for describing to you the purpose of our visit here, my human instinct might be to say, "no, go to hell, you explain it, Larry," but the improv part of me can say, "yes and," Larry, and I'll come out here and I'll stand before you and assume responsibility, so "yes and" is gonna be our thing.
I've got electric juice in my guitar Mark! Mark! Over here! Right here! (WOMAN) For fashion! Oh, I know what that is.
I got it, you're good.
(PHOTOGRAPHERS) Mark-Paul! Mark-Paul, Mark-Paul! I don't know who did my dress.
My ex-husband picked it out at Barneys.
His husband paid for it.
(CLICKS TONGUE) I don't know who did my shoes.
Let's see real fast.
I wore 'em to my cousin's bat mitzvah, but it doesn't They're super comfy.
Mark-Paul! Mark-Paul Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
We're twins! (LAUGHS) Sure we are.
Yes, and the water was cold.
Yes, and you got out of the water 'cause it was too cold.
Yes, and I put on a blanket.
Yes, but then the blanket got wet, so then you had to Yes.
"Yes and.
" Sorry, "yes and," not "yes but.
" Yes, and Um (CLEARING THROAT) Whatever's on the top of your head, whatever you're thinking of right now.
My daughter.
Yes and my daughter.
My daughter hasn't spoken to me in 14 years because she blames me for her brother's death.
Yes, and she blames you for her brother's death because you murdered her brother.
No, I-I-I didn't murder him, he drowned in the Guadalupe River.
Yes, and he drowned in the Guadalupe River.
(SOBBING) Right, Hugh? She has to say "yes and.
" Julio, I believe this is real.
Yes, and he drowned in the Guadalupe River, and I do blame myself.
(SOBBING) Uh, hey, Larry? How about maybe you do something besides be on your phone? Yes.
Yes and we are out of time.
(SOBBING) And if you could just remember to use this improv training as you, you know, make cement, everything is just gonna be way better.
(SOBBING) So thank you so much.
Pretty easy way to make 3,000 bucks, huh? How nice of you to give me half, considering I did all of the work.
That was amazing, boys.
I'm gonna tell you what, I really think it made a difference.
Oh, and by the way, Larry (CLEARS THROAT) - here's your check.
- Thank you.
Best $12,000 I ever did spend.
(LAUGHING) Golly.
(WHISPERING) I'm so nervous.
Don't be.
I'm not gonna win.
(ANNOUNCER) To present the award for Best Male Lead, the Emmy-nominated Sarah Chalke.
A man who can't go into the sun due to a rare disease.
A father, who, due to a rare disease, loses his ability to speak.
A rancher stricken by an incurable disease that is also rare fights to save his family's home in the outback.
- Okay.
- No, I love that one.
And a perfectly healthy soldier who sacrifices everything for his mother, who's also battling a rare and incurable disease.
And the nominees for best male lead are Ryan Reynolds, "The Hometowners.
" (APPLAUSE) Mark Ruffalo, "The 12 Days of Winter.
" (APPLAUSE) Mark-Paul Gosselaar, "The Boy in the Dark.
" (APPLAUSE) And Demián Bichir, "Lo Siento, Mama.
" - What? - Mmm.
And the Independent Spirit Award goes to Mark-Paul Gosselaar, "The Boy in the Dark"! Ah! Oh, yeah! (ANNOUNCER) This is Mark-Paul Gosselaar's first Independent Spirit Award and third nomination.
Thank you, oh, my God.
Uh Wow, this is I'm I was not expecting this.
Uh, this thing's heavy.
Um, uh, this is such an honor to even be mentioned among such talented actors.
Wow.
I am unprepared.
First, I'd like to thank the insanely talented writer-director Hillary Wentz for making this important film.
(APPLAUSE) We need more voices like you.
I'd also like to thank my agent Marci Janetti and everyone at CAA, and I'd also like to thank my lawyer Bob Rosenthal, are you out there, Bob? Guys, really, I was not expecting to be here, so I just don't want to forget anybody.
Um Tap your head, please tap your head for Lois.
Of course.
My beautiful girlfriend.
Rachel, I love you.
And, uh, I think that's Oh, how could I forget? Pay attention, here it comes.
The most important, the most important "thank you" goes out to each and every one of you and all my fans.
Thank you so much for making this happen.
(APPLAUSE) - Great speech.
- Thanks.
I mean, what would possess you to book our return flight at 11:50 p.
m.
I did not even know they offered red-eyes that went west.
Well, first it goes east.
First, we go to Charlotte, then we go west, to Las Vegas, and then we go home.
So I was thinking about it and I do want to give you half the money.
Why? Because that's what you said you were gonna do? Partly, but also because you deserve it.
No, you keep it.
You need it more than I do.
And honestly, I was just glad to get away from Is that Rachel? (WOMAN ON TV) We're here with Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Mark-Paul, you were nominated for the film "The Boy in the Dark.
" "The Boy in the Dark," yes.
It's a very, very important film.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you so much.
So tell us, who is this lovely lady on your arm? This is my beautiful and talented girlfriend Rachel Ramras.
Yeah, I'm not beautiful.
I mean, I'm not, like, ugly, I'm not, like, a gargoyle.
I'm just, you know I'm just You know, and I'm not so talented.
I'm like, fine talented, very average talented, I'm not, like, the most talented person in the world.
This sounds pretty serious.
Well, she did just move in with me, so.
Wow, that's one step away from wedding bells.
Congratulations, you two.
Thank you so much, thank you so much.
Wow, I didn't know they moved in together.
Did you? - No.
- Huh.
(MAN ON PA) American Airlines, Flight 1471 to Charlotte is now pre-boarding at Gate 22.
That is us.
What? We're all settled up.
You know, I'm I'm I think I might just hang out for a bit.
Like, in this bar? No, like, in Texas.
I haven't been here in a long time.
Maybe I'll just kinda stay.
For how long? I don't know.
Well, I should get going just 'cause I should get back to my family.
Yeah, yeah, go.
Okay.
You're You're okay.
You're all right? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) When she asked if she could come with me again This was my reply Excuse me, sir? Could I get one more of these, please? Single, no return My bridges burn But everything that I have learned Points to this one thing Single, no return