Northern Exposure s03e02 Episode Script

Steak? Yeah, steak.
Thick, well-marbled, loaded with fat, cholesterol, red dye number five.
You? Spaghetts.
Spaghetti? Yeah, man.
Al dente.
A nice pesto.
Good morning, Chris.
Come on, Chris.
Not when you're really hungry.
No, when you haven't eaten for days, you want flesh - flesh dripping in its own juices.
Hi, Chris.
Something with sinews.
Something you have to tear with your teeth.
Chris.
Hi.
When you're really hungry, that's too much work.
Who wants to- Hi.
Hi.
Who wants to do all that chewing? Chewing's the best part.
Mastication is integral to the whole desire.
Hello, Chris.
Mandibles moving like pistons, triggering saliva.
I think the basic craving is get that belly full quickly as possible.
Hi.
You know, chewing just takes too much time.
Hi.
How you doin'? Now, you get a nice, big mouth full of spaghetts, right? It just goes down like- Hi there.
Hi.
Good to see you - oysters or maybe some ice cream.
You know, none of that jaw syndrome thing happening.
What? T.
M.
J.
? Yeah, right.
Now, chili- Chili's really good- Hi.
Hi, darling.
How are you? As long as there's not too many beans in it.
Too many beans, you're in the realm of a vegetable side dish.
Or, you know- Hold it.
Hold it.
Are we walking down the street discussing food, and are not women, several- no, numerous women- smiling at you, shamelessly greeting you, almost practically coming on to you? Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I get it.
What? It's funny.
Very funny.
What? The gag.
Women fawning, googly-eyes.
You play dumb.
It's very funny.
Hi.
Excuse me, Chris.
Would you mind? No, no.
Not at all.
No- "N.
'" "M.
'" "M.
'" Definitely an "M.
'" You know, you really should change this typeface.
People must complain.
Don't they? I mean, this was much thicker or something.
Well, not that I can't read it.
Um- It's a- "N.
" "N.
" Definitely an "N.
" "Z.
" "Z" maybe? Wait a minute.
You can't possibly think there's something wrong with my eyes just because I couldn't read that.
It's nothing serious.
Well, what do you mean nothing serious? Just a little farsightedness.
You've probably noticed it yourself.
The newspaper's starting to look blurred.
Maybe you've been finding yourself holding books at arm's length.
Well, yeah.
But so what? I mean, I find it uncomfortable to read a book jammed right underneath my face.
Right.
Well, it sounds to me like presbyopia.
Press by what? "Opia," for sight.
"Presby" for old.
When you're young, the lens in your eyes got enough flexibility to change its curve based on what you see.
But as you get older, that flexibility starts going.
By the time you're middle-aged- Middle-aged? Middle- Middle-aged? Y-You think I'm middle-aged? I don't- Do I look like middle-aged? What I meant was, presbyopia is not uncommon in someone in their early 30s.
I'm nowhere near 30.
I'm 29.
Your testosterone level's a little on the high side, but it's still in the normal range.
Yeah? I don't think it's a hormone.
No? No, my dad always said it was more like a smell.
A smell? Like an aroma? Yeah.
A smell like - Like what? Like aftershave? Like incense? Yeah.
I don't smell anything.
Well, you wouldn't.
Why's that? You're not a woman.
I mean, there have been a few men that could smell me.
Comes a pretty big shock to 'em too, especially if they haven't come to terms with their feminine side.
- But mainly it's women.
- Mainly women.
What women? Your basic cross section of humanity? Rich, poor, young, old, Jewish, gentile, black, white? Yeah.
All types.
Wait a minute.
You're telling me if my grandmother walked through this door, she would lust after you? Naomi Fleischman of Brooklyn Heights would lust after you? Well, Joel, it's not as simple as lust.
I mean- Somebody like your gram- I don't know.
It's hard to say, not knowing her, but she'd probably experience something along the lines of an overwhelming need to pinch my cheeks, uh, knit me a sweater.
Whip you up a batch of hamantaschen.
If that's something she's inclined to do, yeah.
I mean, desire's a pretty individual phenomenon.
So you're saying this smell that causes all women to desire you in their own unique way, travels? How far? A few feet? A mile? Ten miles? We could get tour buses from Idaho? Wow, I don't know.
I never got anybody out of the metropolitan area before.
Except that time I was in St.
Louis, but that's practically in Illinois anyway.
- That time? Which time? - Had it a couple times since puberty.
The last episode was pretty bad.
- Bad? What? - File.
I kinda let things get out ofhand.
I mean, let's face it, with something like this, you got a real tendency to overindulge.
Sure, a room full of naked But you get a bunch of teenagers missing a night or two of sleep- fuses start to get short.
You got disputes over whose turn's next, um, unpleasant things are said.
Pretty soon, everything reaches critical mass.
I think I learned a lesson or two.
How's- How's that? Aurea mediocritas.
Everything in moderation.
I stay clear of friends and married women.
What? Marilyn.
! Now that's- that's too much, Maurice.
How so? Well, you don't look quite sincere.
Oh.
Well, how 'bout this? Friendlier.
Like you're welcoming me into your home.
Yeah.
! Where's this gonna hang anyway? Houston.
Space Center.
They've got a gallery where they pin up all the guys that took the big ride.
Most of those other fellows are a little long in the tooth and a little thick across the gut to go Thinsulate.
But I'll tell you - I feel like a C.
E.
O.
gettin' ready for a quarterly report wearin' this getup.
You look terrific.
Reassuring.
Strong.
Presidential.
Yeah.
I suppose so.
I really appreciate you doing this, Holling.
I really do.
Oh, it's my pleasure, Maurice.
My pleasure.
Hey, that's good.
That's a nice smile.
Okay, here's your order.
Three burgers, two with cheese, one with salsa.
What's the damage? On the house, Chris.
You smell bitchin'.
Well, thanks, Shel.
Let's go, girls.
Ruth-Anne, I probably can't make it till a little past 10:00 tonight, if that's okay with you.
No problem.
I kinda overbooked.
I'll see you later everybody.
Chris is coming to your place tonight? Yes.
And the two of you- You and Chris are going to- Have a late supper, Joel.
Do you believe this? Have you ever seen a man with this kind of incredible, irresistible magnetism to the opposite sex? - James Bond.
- That's the movies, Ed.
Try reality.
No, thanks.
Oh, not you too, O'Connell.
Not me too, what? You're looking for Chris, right? No, Fleischman, I'm looking for you.
Listen - Do you know anything about something called "presby" something or another.
"Old eyes.
" Ever heard of it? Presbyopia.
Farsightedness.
Right.
Is there anything you can do about it? Like what? I don't know.
Like diet, exercise? That's an interesting concept, O'Connell.
A weight loss program for farsightedness.
Afraid not.
It's just part of the normal aging process.
Why? No reason.
A friend, uh, wants to know.
That's all.
Well, tell her presbyopia is nothing to worry about.
No? It's just, you know, a warning sign.
A harbinger, if you will.
Harbinger? Of what? Of the inevitable downhill slide.
Old age.
The eyes go first.
Then the claims of gravity set in with a fold under the eyes, a roll beneath the chin, wattles, cellulite.
The breasts, the buttocks go.
Next thing you know, you look in the mirror, you see a basset hound.
Your friend's how old? Forty-five? Fifty? What? You want me to talk to her? Uh, listen, before we get started, we, uh- we might wanna set some ground rules.
Nothing personal or anything, it's just- You know, to be up front.
You're busy.
I'm very busy.
I think if you just summon up a little willpower, we'll get through this thing together, alone.
Okay.
And I think it's probably better if you don't touch me too, because once you do, well- I know you probably mean well.
It's just gonna be hard for you to keep things from getting out of control.
You don't want me to touch you? Well, believe me, it's for the best.
I mean, you know, it's a perfectly normal urge.
So, you know, don't be embarrassed.
Okay.
You know, it just means you're a woman.
A normal woman, that's all.
You don't have to read anything into that.
Look into the light.
Uh-uh.
No touching.
Please.
Man, you're sneaky.
How you doing? Fine.
You? Good.
Just take shallow breaths.
You gotta be careful not to suck me too deep into your lungs.
I'll try to remember that.
You sure you're okay? Yeah.
Hmm.
- Where is he? - Who? - Well, hello, Maurice.
- You couldn't resist, could you? What are you talking about? I'm talking about trust, Holling.
I'm talking about betrayal.
I'm talking about this! You think that's funny, don't you? I bet you sat at home all night, holding your sides laughing at me.
Go ahead.
Put it up on your dartboard back there.
You don't like this picture? Do you think that's what I look like? Is that what you think of when you think of Maurice Minnifield? But I thought you - You thought I'd enjoy being made a fool of? No.
I should've known.
I should've remembered.
I let my guard down.
Maurice- You have this twisted desire, this- this need to destroy any happiness that you find, don't you? Maurice- Shelly wasn't enough.
Shelly? No, you stuck the knife in, and then you had to twist it.
What's Shelly got to do with this? I haven't forgotten that you stole Shelly from me.
I did not steal Shelly from you.
If you're gonna give me that old line about how she came to you, forget about it.
Save your breath.
Nobody's buying that, least of all me! Sniff.
How does that scent make you feel? Any particular response? Smells okay.
And- That's all.
Okay.
Good.
That was English Leather.
And this? Does this make you want to do anything? What? Eat.
Eat? Herring.
Herring? That was Brut.
And how about this? What? That's him.
Incredible.
Marilyn, how are you? Hello, Holling.
- Hi, Holling.
Anything wrong? - No.
Just one of those things where you think one thing and someone else thinks something else, and before you know it, your whole world is shot to hell.
And you don't know what to think.
Oh, I see.
I think.
Take a look at that.
Well, Joel? Well what? In your honest opinion, Joel, is that a good picture? Oh, I don't know, Holling.
Good is a relative concept, and then you have to take in account the subject.
I don't know if there really could be a good picture of Maurice.
- Would you say you've seen better? - The one he has in the den with L.
B.
J.
I'd say that's pretty fair.
What? He thinks I made him look like a fool.
Oh.
Well, you know, I don't think we always look the way we think we look to others.
Joel, I never intended to make Maurice look bad.
Of course not.
- And Shelly was the same way.
- What way? He says I stole her.
Stole my best friend's girl.
He says I'd do that to him.
You did.
- Well, didn't you? - No.
No! Oh, I admit I was smitten with Shelly from the very first moment I laid eyes on her, but I swear to God, Joel, I never did what he says.
Holling, really, you don't have to explain.
Joel, I remember every detail of the day he brought Shelly to Cicely.
Holling, it's none of my business.
It was a Tuesday.
I had a good lunch crowd.
Ran out of the salmon loaf.
Maurice came into the bar, and behind him, there she was- the most beautiful young lady I'd ever seen.
There was a kind of electricity in the air.
My heart was pounding.
Of course, I made every effort to hide my feelings, but I could feel her gaze.
Maurice was strutting like the king of the roost, and who could blame him? I guess Shelly had a headache from the drive.
She was trying to open a bottle of aspirin.
If only Shelly had asked Maurice to open that bottle.
But she didn't.
She asked me.
And from that moment on, I was a lost man.
A lost man.
And the happiest man on the face of the Earth.
Yeah? Who is it? It's me.
Joel.
You alone? Yeah.
You got a minute? Sorry about that.
Hey, I got some wonderful news.
Yeah, what? I called a colleague at Beth Zion, one of the best E.
N.
T.
men on the East Coast.
Board certified.
On the faculty of Harvard Medical School.
Really.
A leading light in his field.
He confirmed to me that what you are experiencing is, in fact, actually happening.
He thinks it may be your pheromones.
My what? Pheromones.
Chemical substances, that when discharged, act like a triggering device that prompts specific behavioral responses.
Huh.
Although your case is extreme, there've been precedents to support it.
Yeah.
There was this man, uh, Curtis, who was profiled in the Nasopharyngeal Review.
He could identify by smell the presence of sulfur dioxide in the air in quantities as minute as.
6 parts per million.
- Really? - Yeah.
In the realm of the senses, there's been lots of bizarre phenomena documented- blind people whose touch is so sensitive, they can read typeface.
Not braille.
Actual typeface off the written page.
Wine connoisseurs who can tell you the composition of the soil in which a particular grape grew.
We now know humans can hear sounds transmitted at frequencies once thought too high for human behavior.
Wow.
All right.
Here's what I need to do.
I need to take some samples, run a test, build a case history.
- I'm gonna answer this medical conundrum.
- Good.
All right.
First thing we need to do, we need to examine your family tree, catalog any common traits in the males where there might be any unusual pheromone secretions.
- Common traits? - You know, genealogical patterns.
Oh, right, right, right.
Well, you know, Joel, most of us did time in the joint.
Interesting.
Anything else? - Uh, what else? Pretty heavy drinkers.
- Alcoholism? Yeah, you could say that.
Look, Joel, you think we could finish this up later? 'Cause I gotta go see Irene, the eye doctor.
Oh, sure.
Would you distract the women? 'Cause I'll be okay if I can make the tree line.
No, look, I'll just make a run for it.
I'll see you later, okay? Hello, Maggie.
Can you read this? "Bert Sinclair plans a quiet Thanksgiving this year.
" Wait.
You can't possibly read this.
"Bert, PattyJo, Kelly and PattyJoJr.
with their 12-pound turkey.
" Why? Can't you? Well, of course I can.
I'm only 29.
Why couldn't I? Did I say something wrong? No.
Of course not.
You didn't say anything wrong.
It doesn't matter to me how old people think I am.
It doesn't.
Doesn't.
I don't understood why people are so sensitive about their age.
It's a natural process.
There's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Absolutely nothing.
Blur five.
Or blur six? Uh, Dr.
Rondenet.
Yes? I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm with a patient.
Right.
I'm sorry.
Would you mind? This'll just take one second.
Do you, by chance, have a sense of smell? A sense of smell? Yes.
Right, right.
Of course.
I'm sorry, sir.
Was that blur five? Look, are you sure about the smell? Just one second.
Maybe you assume you do because everybody does.
But really you don't.
You never noticed before because, not having a sense of smell, you didn't know what one was, so you couldn't conceive it, right? No.
I know what smell is.
- You do? - Yes.
Look, would you just do me one small favor? I am really sorry.
Would you just smell me? Just please? Inhale me deeply.
What do you smell? Well- Soap.
Soap.
Just one more question, mister, then I'm out of here.
You're telling me you can resist me, physically, sexually? Yes.
That's great.
That's- That's wonderful.
I'm sorry, sir.
Good luck with your eye test.
All right.
Hold on.
Yeah, yeah.
How can you sleep, Fleischman? What? It-It's 3:00 in the morning.
I thought we were friends.
How could you do it? Do it? Do what? - Talk to Holling! - I talked to Holling because he came to my office.
And you just couldn't say no, huh? You had to see him.
You didn't think for a minute how it might make me feel.
Let me give you a flash, Fleischman.
I have feelings! Okay.
You have feelings.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Sure, I keep 'em under wraps.
I keep 'em hidden.
I play the big guy.
Maurice the rock.
Maurice the tree.
Well, let me tell you something, Fleischman.
I am a human being.
If you stab me with a shiv, I bleed just like the next guy.
You're saying all this because I talked to Holling? Did you see that photograph? There's nothing wrong with that portrait, Maurice.
Nothing that nature didn't intend.
- You think I look like that? - More or less, yeah.
Come on, Maurice.
What was I supposed to do, throw him out of the office? I guess he told you that story about Shelly too.
About how she came into the bar one night and said, "I'm yours if you want me.
" No, not exactly.
Well, that's bull, Fleischman.
He was after her from the beginning.
Yeah? With a vengeance.
What'd he do? I never expected to be ambushed like that, especially by my best bud.
I couldn't wait to introduce 'em.
I thought we'd make the perfect threesome.
But he was just waiting to steal her.
We'd done 500 miles on the Alcan and were only looking for a quick bite before heading home.
The signs were all there- the leering gaze, the brazen touch.
But I foolishly chose to ignore them.
Shelly had a headache from the long drive and was having trouble opening a bottle of aspirin.
I started to help her, but Holling stepped between us and took the bottle from her hand.
Then the die was cast.
Just like with the picture, I was blinded by my own trusting nature.
Saw the light.
Thought I'd come in, see how you're holding up.
Oh, I'm fine.
Not feeling up to, um, intercourse tonight, huh? Nah, not really.
I don't blame you.
Cherchez la femme.
That's one thing the Frogs got right.
Yeah.
Lady Love sure can turn a man's head, make him betray his country or his dearest friend.
Or she could just not care.
Make you lose your self-respect.
Think about a woman who doesn't know you're thinking about her, doesn't care you're thinking about her, makes you think about her even more.
I'm thinkin' about him.
How him and her became them and I became only me.
Yeah, him.
I wonder who her him is.
Bet Holling's got her moaning on the bun-warmer right now.
Yeah.
Irene? Shelly.
I'm talking about Irene.
Irene who? It doesn't matter.
No.
Guess not.
Hi, Chris.
Hey.
How ya doing? Great.
Great.
You know, Patti, this never happened to me before.
It's no big deal.
It's just kinda interesting 'cause on one level, I wanna perform- you know, all men do.
But on another, I guess I didn't.
I mean, my mind was there, but- It really wasn't.
I just couldn't focus.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Wow, it's, um- It's really pretty here.
Ooh, those, uh, spruce trees? That's a spruce.
Huh.
You don't have to avoid the subject.
You know, we can talk about it.
The subject is? Impotence.
He couldn't focus.
You guys were great.
I mean, very giving, very sensitive, very erotic.
Thanks.
You too.
I'll tell you the truth.
I can't quit thinking about somebody else.
I mean, I look at your two lovely bodies, and I see her.
Although I've never seen her.
Her body.
Huh.
Wow.
It's more than sex.
You know, it's- I wanna go for a walk with her.
I wanna- I wanna feed her.
- I wanna read Sendak to her.
- Who is she? The itinerant optometrist.
Well, why don't you let her get a whiff of you? Hey, Linda, believe me, I've tried.
She's just not interested.
Really? Really? Well, how come? I don't know.
I guess she just can't smell the real me.
Wow.
Too bad.
O'Connell.
Fleischman.
What? You're wearing mascara.
So? You never wear makeup.
So? Today I am.
What? Eye shadow.
Fleischman, what's the big deal? Why today? I don't know.
Look, Fleischman, I'm a grown woman.
I don't have to give you or anyone else a reason why I decide to wear makeup.
Why today? I don't know.
I guess I just felt the need to feel pretty.
Chris.
Chris? You're attracted to Chris like every other woman in town.
Fleischman, you don't understand anything that's not in a book- not makeup, not men, not me.
You haven't a clue.
Let me just say I have more important things on my mind than carnal, erotic pleasures.
Hmm.
I do.
Granted, Chris might be a stud, but I am not some cow in heat waiting to get poked by the lankiest bull in the pasture.
Touchy.
Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Shelly.
Did Holling talk to you? Yeah.
And? Maurice too.
Oh.
We have two radically different stories here, Shelly.
Maurice says Holling seduced you.
Holling claims he successfully resisted his desires.
What's your recollection? My record collection? The first time you came into this place, what happened? Well, let me think.
We'd been driving all day.
And Maurice's muffler had a hole in it, so the engine was really loud.
It sounded kinda cool, it being a V-8 and all, but still, it gave me a huge headache.
Maurice introduced me to Holling.
But I wasn't paying too much attention.
All I could think about was getting an aspirin.
The bottle had one of those safety caps, and I'd broken a nail packing my suitcase, and I couldn't get it off.
Maurice and Holling didn't notice.
They were too busy catching up.
Luckily, Dave was standing nearby.
Dave? Dave opened the- the bottle? Uh-huh.
This reminds me of the story of the six blind men who try to figure out what an elephant is by touch.
The one at the trunk thinks it's a rope.
The one at the tusk thinks it's a horn.
Nobody knows the whole truth.
Huh.
Yeah.
Well, what animal was the elephant anyway? It's like you think I'm a rope, and you think I'm a horn.
But you're both wrong.
I'm an elephant! So go ahead.
Shake hands and make up.
We are gonna sit here until you two patch things up.
I don't care if it takes all day.
Well, if Maurice is ready to apologize.
Me? For the false accusations.
I'm the injured party here.
Boys.
What about my reputation.
Your reputation? Repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it.
- Boys.
- And what about me? You think I don't know what they're saying when I walk down the street? "There goes Minnifield the cuckold.
" - What gave you the right to claim her in the first place? - Holling! I went to a great deal of time and expense to bring this girl up here.
A few meals and a frock or two.
I've been supporting her for the last three years.
- I work! - She could live like a queen with me.
That's right, Maurice.
Don't let me forget.
You're a rich man.
You can't forget it.
You wanna know why? Because you're jealous.
That's what this whole thing's about.
Well, good.
I'm sure glad I'm not the elephant.
The truth is, I'm just a bone for you two dogs to fight over.
And I'm really glad.
I'm so glad, I never want to see either one of you ever again! The patient, Christopher Stevens, is a 28-year-old male Caucasian.
Although family records are limited, it appears that both the father and the paternal grandfather manifested signs of the same secretory syndrome.
Uh, thus it appears the condition is genetic rather than acquired, although environmental cofactors can't be ruled out.
Got a sec? Sure.
Come on in.
What's up? Not much.
- I'm impotent.
- Impotent? - You are impotent? - Yeah.
Fantastic.
When did this happen? - Last night.
- Is this normal? - Wait.
Do you mind? - No.
Go ahead.
Is impotence consistent with the pathology? I mean, has it happened before? No.
First time.
Wow.
This is terrific.
Yeah, well- No, no.
I'm sorry.
l-l-It's terrible.
I commiserate, but this is great.
Oh, I know why.
I'm- Let's wait.
Hold on.
Let's not rush to a conclusion.
It could be any number of things.
Maybe none related.
What I need to do is a complete urological workup, plus a blood count, hemoglobin, a thyroid- - No, I'm in love.
- You're in love.
Actually, I think it's a form of narcissism.
I mean- How can you love somebody you don't even know? Aren't you really just, like, projecting all the qualities you want them to have 'cause you're lacking 'em in yourself? Huh.
Well, anyway, in any case, you are impotent? - Yeah.
- Good.
A-And you think it's because you're in love.
Oh, yeah, 'cause, you know, I'm obsessing on this woman.
Why? Why? I can't have her.
She's not interested in me.
Incredible.
This person, the woman of your desires, um, can she smell you? Yeah.
Only, I don't smell to her like I do to all these other women.
What am I gonna do? I don't know.
Obsessions and fixations are not really my field.
All I know, when the mind really grabs hold of something, look out.
Crazy glue.
Exactly.
Uh, hi.
We gotta talk.
We do? Yes, we do.
I'm a mess.
You're all I'm thinkin' about.
I hear your voice in the wind in the trees.
I see your face in shadows.
You know what the ironic thing is? There's women lined up- literally lined up- desperate for me.
Some of'em would kill.
- And you, Irene, you don't- Can I call you Irene? - Yes.
- You're not even the slightest bit interested in me, are you? - No.
- May I ask you a personal question, Irene? - If you have to.
- Are you married? - No.
- Boyfriend? - No.
- Gay? - No.
And you don't foresee any changes in your feelings towards me? - I'm sorry.
- Why? Why? What's wrong with me? Would you just answer me that one question, Irene, please? Nothing.
Nothing.
I understand.
I guess that's why I'm crazy in love with you.
Because I'm not interested in you? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Look, it's not your fault, all right? You just gotta understand, Irene.
- I got a big problem here.
- I can see that.
All right, what if you just showed a little interest in me? You know, then this whole "unobtainable object of desire" thing vanishes.
I go on with my life.
You go on with yours.
You know, just consider me another notch in your belt, so to speak.
Okay? I don't think I want to do that.
Look, your interest doesn't have to be genuine.
Uh-uh.
You got a better idea? Well, we could try to be friends.
Oh, no.
Come on.
Everybody says that.
I've said that.
It doesn't work.
True.
I wish I could help you.
I guess the best thing is- the only thing is-we don't see each other anymore.
If you think that's best.
Yeah.
Cold turkey.
Nothing I can do? Nothing I can say to change your mind? Uh-uh.
All right.
Hello, Maurice? - Maurice? - What do you want? We've got to talk.
I remember when you bought this place.
I thought it was a big mistake- dry rot, cracked foundations, rusted pipes.
But you had a vision.
You saw the possibilities.
It's always been like that with you, Maurice.
You see ahead.
Maybe it's being an astronaut, looking out into all that empty space, imagining what would fill it.
We used to sit right in that window and pick off rabbits in your garden with a.
22 all night long.
You used to grow okra out there.
Some of the best gumbo I ever tasted.
I recall this one time we almost came to blows.
You called Truman a fainthearted old auntie because he wouldn't let Patton go marching on into Moscow.
Never mind what the French or the English had to say.
Never mind the Russians were our allies.
Hold on there.
What about Eastern Europe now, smart guy? Maurice, you're the best friend I ever had.
I would've shot a hole in my own hand if I'd have thought it'd stop me from being in love with Shelly.
You got to know that I fought against it.
Problem was, I wanted two things at once.
I wanted to do the right thing, and I wanted Shelly.
And the part that wanted Shelly had the advantage because it was crazy.
Maybe I did reach out to Shelly.
Maybe the crazy part of me did.
The thing is, if I had it to do again, I can't say but that I'd do it exactly the same way.
Genetic diseases- I mean, not that this is a disease- are common in groups where inbreeding, what we call consanguinity, is prevalent.
See, there's a greater chance of recessive gene matching.
Right.
Right.
Now, I don't mean to pry, but in your family, has there been any, um, linkage? Brothers and sisters? No! Cousins? Yeah.
Really? All right, Joel, look.
It gets confusing, all right? Your third cousins are also your nephews, but if their kids marry your kids and they have kids, then that's your grandchildren, but your third cousins, once removed.
But us Stevenses, we're all tall, eyes aren't too far apart.
You know, what the hell.
Huh.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
You skip the small talk when you date family.
No, I mean those women.
They didn't even see you.
Her too.
Yeah, well, woke up this morning, five good-bye notes taped to the fridge.
Wait, wait, wait.
It's too soon.
You said the episodes, they last- Five to seven days.
But it's only been three days.
Yeah.
I don't understand.
It's so interesting.
Why? Irene.
Irene the eye doctor? I don't know.
Maybe- Maybe it's not beyond the realm of possibility.
It- It's as if your body is saying, "I have my mate.
I don't need to attract another.
" Yeah, but, Joel, l- I don't have her.
Yeah, but I know that and you know that, but your body doesn't.
O-Or maybe it doesn't care.
Hi.
Again? Uh, you don't have to worry.
I just came to say good-bye.
Oh.
Okay.
Where you headed? Samsuk.
I give a glaucoma workshop every year.
Hmm.
Uh, look, Irene, the fact this didn't work out with you and me, you know- Maybe that's good.
You know, maybe that's right.
You never really became a real person to me.
I mean, what I'm trying to say, Irene, is this whole thing's been so intense.
You know, it's- The rejection, it's been devastating.
I mean, its like an emotional tsunami and- I'm in this excruciating pain.
And I feel like I'm losing my mind.
And it's just- it's great.
I'm glad.
Anyway, I want to thank you.
Thank you for the experience.
You're welcome.
Actually, it wasn't altogether unpleasant for me.
No? To get that kind of attention from a good-looking guy like you- I'm flattered.
Really? Sure.
Well, look then, maybe- It was nice.
Thanks.
Right.
Um- Why don't you let me help you with these chairs? Okay.
Okay.
Can I borrow your glasses? My glasses? May I? Thanks.
Wow.
What? I can see.
You need glasses? I'm sure that amuses you.
Why would that amuse me? It's obvious.
I'm in a state of decline.
And knowing how sadistic you are, that probably delights you.
Thank you.
I mean, it's not like I'm already married with three kids.
You know, it's not like my looks are unimportant.
Huh.
I'm still a single woman.
And I have a biological imperative to attract the opposite sex.
Let me tell you something, O'Connell.
Glasses are not your problem.
You're a knockout.
I don't mean just pretty.
No, beautiful.
The lips, the mouth, the eyes, the quality of the skin, the smile, the whole megillah.
You have a face that could launch a thousand ships.
Really? Absolutely.
Your problems are not physical, they're emotional, psychological.
If men aren't attracted to you, it's totally because of your abrasive personality.
You're defensive.
And the fact that you don't like us.
Thank you.
Thank you, Fleischman.
You're welcome, O'Connell.
Well, Maurice, what's it gonna be? The usual.
Warm night.
It certainly is.
Why don't you get the special because it has carrots? I know most of you have been where I am tonight.
The crash site of unrequited love.
You've asked yourself, how did I get here? What was it about her? Was it her smile? Was it the way she crossed her legs? The turn of her ankle? The poignant vulnerability of her slender wrist? What are these elusive and ephemeral things that ignite passion in the human heart? That's an age-old question.
It's perfect food for thought on a bright midsummer's night.
Hey, you said it best, Will.
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
" Yeah.