Northern Exposure s03e03 Episode Script

Oy, Wilderness

My shooting arm is shot, O'Connell.
You gave 150 vaccinations today.
You put in a pretty good day's work.
I wish they could have found another way to show their appreciation.
Caribou pelt parka.
Maybe a nice seal gut raincoat.
They gave you a great tribute.
To them, that's a delicacy back there.
Fifty pounds of whale blubber? I feel like I'm being wafted to death by fish fumes.
My-My eyes are stinging.
My-My-My throat is constricting.
What was that? Just a little turbulence, Fleischman, like the last 87,000 times.
- It felt like a bird.
Are you sure it wasn't a bird? - It wasn't a bird.
Go ahead, laugh.
Logan Airport, 1973, an entire 747, filled to capacity, was- fell to the earth like a stone because of an-an innocent flock of whatchamacallits.
Starlings.
And 88 people died.
Please, God, let this plane land.
Let me sleep in my own bed one more time in that drafty, miserable little shack she rents me.
I'll never shave another stroke off my golf game again.
I promise.
What? We're losing altitude.
Come on.
That's not funny, O'Connell.
Not even as a joke.
This is Cessna 4423 Victor.
I'd like to declare an emergency.
Cut it out, O'Connell! I'm having trouble maintaining altitude.
Unable to reach any airport.
I'm going in for an emergency landing.
Oh, no.
Location approximately 130 miles off Aniakchak.
V.
O.
R.
on the 270-degree radial.
I see a clearing.
Looks adequate.
I'm going in for a landing.
No time to check the terrain.
Oh, God, O'Connell.
God! Oh, God! Get out.
I can't open the door.
Fleischman, just get out.
I've got to check the plane.
Okay.
Nothing seems to be broken.
No evidence of concussion.
No apparent contusion.
My legs are here.
I'm alive.
I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! We're alive, O'Connell! You did it! You're the most wonderful pilot known to man and woman.
You are a genius! Do you know that? A fabulous, wonderful genius! I am grateful to you for the rest of my life.
Come here.
Get away! Watch it! Cut it out! This is not a picnic! We're alive, O'Connell! We didn't perish in a ball of flame.
It's a miracle! Yeah, well, tell that to the engine.
The engine? I mean, we lost power, in case you didn't notice.
What's wrong with it? I don't know, Fleischman.
I can't tell yet.
It's not like it's wearing a sign.
You think it's broken? Very perceptive.
Yeah, Fleischman, in all likelihood, I think something's broken.
I would say in all probability something's broken.
All right.
Can you fix it? I hope so.
Can't you call the airplane version of the Triple A? Fleischman, this isn't Central Park.
It's the Anaktuvuk Preserve.
It's 4.
2 million acres of genuine wilderness.
It'll take two or three days for someone to get to us.
And that's if the weather holds.
Two to three days? - If we're lucky.
- Well, what are we gonna eat? Where are we gonna sleep? What if an animal visits? - Visits? You mean, like, unannounced? - Yeah.
We'll just invite him or her into the parlor and offer them a glass of lemonade.
Sittin'in thejaws of the Anaktuvuk, are they? Yep.
Safe and sound.
Fish and Game says it'll take a few days to get 'em out of there though.
I used to hunt over that way.
That is, until I gave up the great sport of killing.
Mm.
Excellent goat country.
- Can I help you? - I'm looking for Shelly Tambo.
She's over to the store just now, but I expect her back momentarily.
Oh.
Would you care to sit? Nah.
I've been on the road for hours, and my buns are squished.
Oh.
Well, here she is now.
Shelly? Hi, babe.
I got enough lard to sink a ship, and our ant poison finally came in.
- Shelly? Shelly Tambo? - Cindy? I didn't even recognize you.
You look so old.
You lost weight.
Traveling around with the guys so much, who's got time to eat? The team's fifth in the Pan-Canadian minors now.
They're letting Wayne start.
Left wing.
Huh.
- Wayne here too? - No.
Just me.
- What are you doing here? - Well, Wayne drank a case of beer after they lost to Athabasca night before last, and he told me that you and him are not divorced.
He tells me this after we've been hitched for six months.
You didn't even ask to see papers or anything? Well, no.
I took him at his word.
Which would've been fine, but you know how he gets when they blow a game, and he drinks too much and starts telling the truth.
You gotta get a divorce from Wayne, Shelly.
Why should I? Why? Because, Shelly, if my parents find out that I'm married to a married man, you know they're gonna have a cow.
You were supposed to be my best friend, Cindy.
I am your best friend, Shelly.
Wayne was my husband.
Yeah, and you left him high and dry with that big shot astronaut, and now you're shacking up with someone else anyway.
So? You didn't even come to my wedding party, Shelly.
We had four kegs and a band, and you didn't even come.
I had too much to do.
So what am I supposed to do? Live in sin.
I do.
I know there were some Tic Tacs in here.
Fleischman, if you could just get off your butt.
Human beings are supposed to eat, O'Connell.
The body is like a furnace.
No fuel, no energy, ergo, no life.
Well, try some of that Eskimo candy.
That is by no stretch of the imagination candy.
That is dried salmon pieces, and it's disgusting, okay? Fine.
Starve then.
Ow! Careful.
Fleischman, could you try not to put your feet through the tent? Do you think you can try and do that, please? What is this made of? Nylon.
This is nothing.
This is supposed to protect us from the elements? If this protects us from one element, we'll be lucky.
This is all-weather nylon.
State of the art.
Now, would you hand me the "B'"pole? To a bear, this would be like gift wrapping.
How do you tell a "B" pole from an "A" pole? Fleischman, this urban act of yours doesn't play in the wilderness.
So if you have any interest in survival, you're gonna have to drop the witty banter and hand me the damn pole.
Thank you, Captain Bligh of the Yukon.
Let's get one thing straight, O'Connell.
The wilderness is not exactly my cup of tea.
I do not seek wilderness, nor do I enjoy being trapped out here in the middle of it.
I do not enjoy being trapped out here in this entire Alaska! I'm being forced to remain here against my will, against every fiber in my entire being.
So the least you can do, if we're gonna be stuck out here together, is try and be a little civil.
Okay.
Good.
Now which-which-which pole? The gold one.
And, uh, two coffees.
Is that it? Yeah.
I took the liberty of fixing you a salmon patty plate.
I figured you might want something more than coffee after such a long drive.
Thanks.
I'm Holling Vincoeur, Shelly's man.
I'm Cindy.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Cindy.
May I sit down? Sure.
Take a load off.
Wow.
You are old.
I mean, Wayne said you were old, but- How old are you? Uh, well, Cindy, I'm 63.
Wow.
I'm sorry about Shelly.
She didn't really mean anything by it.
She can get real stubborn when she sets her jaw.
She's real P.
O.
'd at me, isn't she? Well, she's pretty possessive when it comes to men.
How do you think I feel? Cindy doesn't mind taking Shelly's sloppy seconds.
Cindy doesn't mind picking up her strays.
I get the guy one time.
One time! Not to mention the fact that she didn't even want Wayne anymore, which I suppose technically makes him another sloppy seconds as far as my track record is concerned, but do you see me getting all hot and sweaty under the brassiere because of it? - Uh, well- - How do your folks feel about the two of you shacking up without a license? My parents? Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- You mean about us not being married? - Mm-hmm.
Well, that's not really much of a problem.
- How come? - They're dead.
Bummer.
Well, my dad is this hard-line Sergeant Rock-type dude, and my mom's practically a Holy Roller.
Boy, when they find out Wayne is a watchamacallit- A bigamist? No, not that.
I mean one of those guys that's married to two chicks at the same time.
I can tell you- there aren't gonna be any more Sunday dinners at Mom's trailer.
Well, Cindy, maybe you and Wayne could get divorced, and then, when Shelly calms down and starts looking at things differently, she and Wayne will get divorced, and you two can get married.
No way.
I don't care if I ever see that snake in the grass again as long as I live.
I don't care ifhe is cuter than hell.
I left him high and dry at the 7-11 and took off in his truck.
Got his lucky stick too.
It's aluminum.
You know, like Gretzky.
Winter's closing in on us.
Come on under here, and let me warm you up.
I'm fat.
Shelly, you are anything but fat.
Look at me, Holling.
I'm as thick as a tree.
- Where? - Right here.
See? I'm thickening.
Cindy used to be thick.
And big as a house.
She thinks she's so great, traveling around Canada with Wayne and the team.
Like she was on tour with Whitesnake or Metallica or somebody.
I was the one who used to travel with the team and watch Wayne play hockey, Holling.
I know that, honey.
I was the girl all the guys wanted to grope when they got gassed after the game.
I know.
I was the one who drove 'em crazy when I sat in the stands wearing spandex and leather.
I was the girl they wanted to paw.
Not Cindy.
Me.
Now Cindy's riding on the team bus and staying in motels.
Sometimes even hotels where they have room service.
She's the one driving the boys crazy with her skinny little thighs and practically no waist.
And I'm stuck here thickening.
- What was that? - A wolf.
Oh, God.
Oh, Fleischman.
In the entire history of the Northwest, there's never been a recorded incident of a man being attacked by a wolf.
It happens all the time in Russian novels.
Especially to newlyweds.
They leave the wedding in a sled and are immediately set upon by packs of voracious wolves.
Get some sleep, Fleischman.
What about bears? Or wolverines? What are wolverines anyways? Are they little wolves that swarm all over you and nibble you to death? Sleep.
Not to put too fine a point on it, O'Connell, but has it occurred to you there might be certain romantic implications to us being stranded out here in the middle of nowhere? In your dreams, Fleischman.
Five thousand some odd years of recorded history, centuries of thought and planning, trial and error, research and development.
Finally, indoor plumbing is perfected, and in one fell swoop, I'm reduced to squatting in the woods like a German shepherd.
Would you hand me the socket wrench? Socket wrench.
I mean, to not even flush.
To just stand up and walk away.
There's no sense of completion.
How's it coming? I don't know.
I thought it was the carburetor, but I don't see anything wrong.
Well, that thing there looks loose.
This thing? - Maybe if you tightened it.
- You think I should tighten it? - Yeah.
- Fleischman, this thing is called the butterfly.
It controls the mixture of the air and the gasoline.
If I were to tighten it, as you suggest, then there would be no air at all.
- And that's no good? - Fleischman, I'm trying to accomplish something here.
Move.
Well, when you are done there, I have a surprise for you.
Oh, yeah? What's that? Something for breakfast besides seal blubber.
No, thanks.
I found them while I was relieving myself out there.
They're quite tasty.
Try one.
No, thanks.
Do you know what those are, Fleischman? Berries.
What kind of berries? Blueberries.
Red blueberries? - Yeah.
What are they? - Baneberries.
- Baneberries? Are they poisonous? - Only if you eat enough of them.
Then I give you four, five minutes, tops.
Excuse me.
You don't happen to carry any high-humidity mousse? - Mousse? - You know, like a styling gel.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry, dear.
But I do have a can of this ozone-depleting spray.
Hmm.
My hair's real tricky.
You just look at it wrong, it lays down and dies.
I think it looks perfectly fine.
- It's not what you got.
It's what you do with it.
- I like that.
- You've got nice hair.
- Thank you.
Is it fussy? I don't think so.
- The cut's all wrong.
- Oh? You're an oval, like Debbie Gibson.
You need some fullness and height to shorten the length of your face and accent your cheekbones.
Oh, really? Cut like so.
Light body perm.
Maybe a mahogany highlight.
Don't you think that would do a lot for her? Oh, that-that looks pretty good.
Are you-You're a professional? Mm-hmm.
I have a degree from the Saskatchewan College of Applied Arts.
- You know it? - Uh, I don't think so.
Uh-uh.
Well, I majored in hair, and I had a minor in base application.
You know, with you, I wouldn't touch a thing.
It fits his bone structure, frames his face.
Like Chris Robinson.
Chris Robinson, Black Crowes.
"Shake Your Moneymaker"? "Hard to Handle"? I can't.
I just- I can't.
Fleischman, you eat sushi.
Not walrus sushi, I don't.
If I cooked that, it would turn to oil.
It'd by like eating Crisco, solid butter, a huge hunk of shmalts.
Chicken fat.
Jewish mayo.
You spread it on bread and die of a heart attack by the time you're 50.
For your information, Fleischman, the fat and blubber found in Arctic fish and maritime mammals is completely chemically different than that found in hamburgers, potato chips and Jewish mayo.
In fact, it may actually help the Eskimo fight heart disease and other southern afflictions.
Look at it.
It's just lying there.
Eat the spotted seal liver.
You can cook that.
I can't.
I just- I can't.
Okay.
Okay? What okay? Let's go.
Go? Go where? Look around.
Look around for what? Well, water, for one thing.
We're almost completely out.
You're walking into those woods? You don't know what's out there.
I have a gun.
They don't know that.
They see us walking around there, they think we're with the Sierra Club and that's a stick.
- Who's they? - I don't know.
Wild animals.
White supremacists.
Attack bugs.
You're right, Fleischman.
You stay here.
Wait.
Wait! What if something unforeseen should happen? Like what? I don't know.
Say, a moose with an attitude.
You're absolutely right, Fleischman.
You're right.
I am? Here's a gun.
What am I supposed to do with it? Shoot the moose.
Point of information, O'Connell: I don't know how to fire a gun.
I don't know anything about guns.
Look.
This is the safety.
Take this off, aim and fire.
Here's a whistle.
If you need anything, just blow.
I'll come.
Hopefully, I'll be within range.
Oh, I'll blow hard.
I'm sure you will.
Now see how I do? I "shover" my fingers right down into the hair.
And up.
Shovering and up.
Shovering and up.
"Balloonifying" the hair.
Shovering and balloonifying.
Shovering and balloonifying.
See the body coming in? Well, will you look at that.
Did I tell you that I'm the official hairstylist for the Seals? - No.
- Wayne's hockey team.
They're all really into rap.
So we started off with perms and buzzed sides.
Except for Wayne.
He's the Ice Man.
Then they hit this eight-game losing streak.
I knew it was time to make a statement, so I carved 'em.
Carved their what, dear? Their scalps.
She razor wrote.
And I wrote boldly too until the league censors got wind of it and started spot-checking their heads before each game.
I'll see you later.
Bye, Ed.
Hi, Shelly.
Ed, what's going on? Cindy's giving Ruth-Anne a makeover.
Two gallons, not one.
You got it.
No, not that way.
Over there.
Frank, how are ya? ¿ Tiene esta camisa en azul? Do you have the shirt in blue? Now you try.
¿ Tiene esta camisa en azul? ¿ Tiene usted mi tamaño en verde? Do you have my size in green? Repeat.
¿ Tiene usted mi tamaño en verde? ¿ Tiene usted mi tamaño en verde? Very good.
Muy bien.
Now let us cross to the musical portion of our lesson.
Be sure to sing along.
God.
Oh, God.
What? What is it? What? What? What happened? What? O'Connell.
Thank God it's you.
- What's wrong? - I thought you were a bear.
A bear? You thought I was a bear? You know, you might as well just have called every wild animal in the neighborhood.
You should've just sent an engraved invitation: "Come eat us.
No R.
S.
V.
P.
necessary.
" Bear.
You thought I was a bear.
! Most people think Vaseline's just for sex, but it's got lots more uses.
Dry skin.
Also the lips.
If you rub a little bit into your nails every night before you go to bed, you'll never have a problem with cuticles.
Okay.
And also if you put a couple of drops on a toothbrush, you can groom your eyebrows.
Even comb them upward for a more glamorous look.
You've got great eyebrows.
Sort of like Paula Abdul.
Okay.
What do you think? They look nice.
What do you think you're doing? I'm giving Marilyn a "mani.
" Yeah? Well, it's against health codes, so cut it out.
Shelly! I drive up here almost 2,000 miles! Who asked you to? And all you can talk about is health codes! If you don't mind, I am trying to pee! What's your problem, Shelly? You've had a bug up your butt since I got here! I'm mad, okay? What? All right.
You wanna know why I've got a bug up my butt? It's because I'm mad! M-A-D! Mad! At me? You see anybody else in here to be mad at? Why? You come prancin' up here, and you don't even call to warn me you're coming, and you don't even hardly look like you, with your hair and your tight little buns, and you make me feel like I don't even look like me anymore! Hello? We're busy.
Shelly? Cindy? Are you gals in there? Go away, Holling.
Uh, there's a telephone call for Cindy.
- For me? From who? - Well, it's, uh- it's Wayne.
Tell him we're taking a pee! Okay.
And, Holling, we need more T.
P.
in stall two.
Okay.
You know, Shel, growing up, you were the girl that had it all.
"D" cup, 17-inch thighs, perfect knees, teeth, nose.
You were Saskatchewan's answer to perfection.
I know.
It was really hard being your best friend, Shelly.
Why? 'Cause I was always second-best.
Second-best Cindy.
Well, you made better grades than me, Cin.
Yeah, sure.
I made better grades, unless the teacher was a guy who had the hots for you.
I know.
I went on to higher education, and I know that means a lot.
But do you have any idea how much pain your perfect bottom put me through? - I swear, Cin.
I had no idea.
- You couldn't read the signs? Look, I admit life has dealt me a royal straight flush, but it hasn't been all perfect.
- With perfection comes responsibility.
- What do you mean? Do you think it was easy living up to your and everybody else's expectations? Always havin'to look bitchin', walk bitchin', dress bitchin'.
Are my jeans too tight? Are they not tight enough? Do my earrings and eyeliner match? Do my boobs bounce enough but not too much? Are my boots as white as my teeth? I mean, I had to set the example.
And let me tell you- being perfect really takes its toll.
I never thought of it like that.
Nobody did.
Nobody ever thought to take time to think, "What about Shelly? Is she all right? Can she carry it all on her perfect shoulders?" Being perfect, Cin, is not all beer and roses.
Aw, Shel.
I'm sorry.
I'm hungry.
The children are hungry.
We haven't had anything to eat but boiled tree leaves for the past three months.
Just one more second.
I'm in this cave- this cave surrounded by mastodons- and I'm eating bark.
- Okay.
It's done.
- What is that supposed to be? - That's a hamburger.
- That is not a hamburger, Fleischman.
The bun is too big.
There are no sesame seeds.
And would you mind telling me where the sliced onions are? - l-I forgot.
- I should have married the stud with the big club.
He was crazy about me.
Oh, the guy with the huge quads and the sloping forehead? Yeah, well, at least he put a stegosaurus on the table every night.
I'm just no good at killing.
Okay, will you take her? Thank you.
Okay, so you're a lousy killer.
The truth of it is I didn't have all these little mini Magnons with you because of your slaying power.
No? Mm-mmm.
Don't you get it? What? I don't care if I ever have sautéed iguana again, as long as- What? Well, you know.
Hey.
- Hope I'm not disturbing you.
- No.
Uh, what are you doing out this late, Holling? - Oh, just walking.
- Something on your mind, Holling? With me? No, nothing.
Just nothing, really.
Chris, do you ever think anything about me and, uh, Shelly? You're some of my favorite people, Holling.
You know that.
No, not that.
I mean about the difference in our ages.
You mean, like, uh, you're old enough to be her grandfather? Yeah.
- You ever think about that? - No.
I'm 63 years old, Chris, way more than 40 years older than Shelly, and what with the longevity of the males in my family, I never really gave it much consideration as far as a problem.
Problem? Unless fate intervenes, you're gonna be keeping Shelly company a good long time.
Yeah.
It's just that lately I've been seeing Shelly in a different light.
And, uh, to tell you the truth, I've started to wonder if there isn't something unseemly about our love.
I don't think it's unseemly, Holling.
- No? Really, Chris? You don't? - No, I don't.
I mean, personally, I don't believe in chronological age for one thing, Holling, and for another, Shelly could have an old soul, and you could have a young soul.
In fact, she could be much older than you.
You know, history's crawling with May-December romances.
Strom Thurmond.
Guy's a U.
S.
senator.
Uh, Supreme CourtJustice William O.
Douglas.
Charlie Chaplin, Fred Astaire, uh, Jerry Lee Lewis.
- The Nutty Professor.
- No, Jerry Lee Lewis.
"Great Balls of Fire"? Oh, yeah.
You mean- - Right.
- Yeah.
His wife was 13.
Thirteen? I don't know.
The hoses are intact.
The carburetor's fine.
The spark plugs check out.
I thought you said it was the engine.
Well, it probably is, but, you know, it could be a bearing.
It could be a blown gasket.
But there's no oil.
You know, I was just hoping it was something fixable.
It could be a ring job, but I'm not prepared to do that in the middle of the woods.
A ring job? Forget it, Fleischman.
This is the engine, right? Oh, Fleischman, please.
Now, does this have valves? Well, of course it has valves.
It's an engine.
Just stop hovering, okay? What do you expect me to do, O'Connell? Stand idly by and starve to death? Your choice.
I can't eat that stuff.
I told you.
I tried.
The more I chewed, the bigger it got in my mouth.
I'm not meant to eat blubber.
I'm from New York City.
People from New York City are not conditioned to eat blubber.
Not spotted seal liver, not-not walrus fat, not dried fish shards and not- especially not blubber.
That's it.
I've had it.
What? I am sick and tired of your blubbering about blubber! Sick and tired! Fed up to here! - What are you doing? - Going hunting.
Hunting? Yes.
I'm gonna kill us some meat.
Meat? Really? Can you do that? Don't go anywhere near my plane.
Don't touch a thing.
Fine.
No problem.
And try to stay away from the fire.
Can you not smother it this time? Huh? Do you think you can do that, Fleischman? Hey, Chris.
Hey, Shel.
How you doing? This is Cindy.
She's my best friend from home.
Really? Hi, Cindy.
Nice to meet you.
Hair's kinda stringy.
Needs some body.
Chris, I need to talk to you for a minute.
Okay.
What's up? Well, I've decided to get divorced.
From Wayne.
Oh.
All right.
And l-Well, we want you to perform the divorce.
- Me? - Yeah.
- Perform a divorce? - Yeah.
- Uh, I can't.
- Why not? Well, Shel, a divorce isn't performed.
It's handled, you know, by a lawyer.
But you do marriages.
Yeah.
So if you can glue two people together, how come you can't break 'em apart? Well, you know, it's not the same thing.
Well, I know it isn't, but, um, it's not that different.
- You're right.
Okay.
- Hey, all right! You haven't said anything, Fleischman, in a whole minute.
It's beginning to give me the creeps.
It's just- You know, that's a squirrel.
I used to feed these things peanuts in the park.
I made eye contact with squirrels.
I love people like you.
You'll eat meat and chicken, but get a little blood on your hands- Oh, I'm grateful.
I am.
I mean, I'm impressed.
You said you were gonna get some meat.
You went out in the woods.
Came back with some meat.
Is that a compliment or some sort of trick? No.
l-I could've lived without the part where you skinned it.
It's like you were taking a little fur jacket off of a tiny baby.
You know, it is kind of like a baby's jacket.
But without the zipper.
You were pretty deft with that knife.
Remind me not to aggravate you when you're armed.
That's startin' to smell pretty good, isn't it? Mm-hmm.
Done yet? A few more minutes.
I'm drooling.
I'm salivating and drooling over a squirrel.
I used to want to be a chef.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Well, not really a chef.
More like a baker.
But not desserts.
Just bread.
Really good bread.
Baguettes, little rye currant rolls like you get at the Poilâne Bakery on the Rue de la Cherche Midi.
In Paris.
Mm.
What happened? What do you mean, what happened? To-To being a baker.
Oh, I don't know.
Didn't you ever want to be something? Center fielder for the Yankees.
Yes.
Before Steinbrenner.
You know, um, if they don't find us here, and, uh, we starve to death, I want you to know you can eat my body.
Okay.
Yeah, well, you don't have to agree that fast.
I hope you at least wait till I'm dead before you start with your carving skills.
What? Nothing.
Well, I'm just beginning to think maybe we shouldn't wait for someone to come and find us.
I think after we eat, I'm gonna pack out east and see if I can find a way for us to get out.
Used to be when people took the marriage vow, "till death do us part" meant just that.
But these days, as often as not, people take a look at each other after a few years in the marital sack and say, "See you later, Jack.
" Maybe that's good.
I mean, wolves mate for life, but the human species lives a lot longer.
Maybe just too long to be hitched to the same post.
So- The views of this deejay are not necessarily those of the owner of this station.
Well, individual opinion aside, divorce looks like it's here to stay.
So instead of seeing it as a failure or an end, why not celebrate divorce as the beginning of something? A fresh start.
Another chance to step up to the big wheel and take another spin.
Like Swami Bodhidharma says, "You can't really have a thing until you let it go.
'" In other words, when things start to look really bad, why not step back and have another look at 'em? So we're here today to celebrate the divorce of a young couple who probably got married a little too young, before they really knew what they were doing, and then realized they'd made a horrible mistake.
Hey, Wayne, you still out there? Yeah, I'm here.
We got WayneJones on the line here all the way from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
Wayne's the starting left wing for the Saskatoon Seals.
And in studio we have his soon-to-be ex-wife, Miss Shelly Tambo.
Hey, Chris in the Morning? Yeah Wayne-o.
You said I could say hey to the guys at Keticut Motor Oil? 'Cause, you know, they sponsor the Seals.
That's right, Wayne.
Go ahead.
Hey, guys.
All right.
Hey, Shel, you want to come up here and have a sit at the mike.
Why don't you go ahead and say hi to the folks back home, Shel.
Hi, everybody.
Okay.
Shelly, Wayne, you got married a couple of years ago, and it didn't work out.
But that's okay, you know? You got your whole life ahead of you.
You've found other people to hook up with.
Wayne, is there anything you'd like to say to Shelly before I remove the cuffs? Shelly? Are you there? Yeah.
I'm here.
Are you sure about this? Of course I am.
Don't be stupid, Wayne.
Anyway, you already went and got married again, so what difference does it make? You just better be nicer to Cindy than you were to me.
Okay.
Cindy? Cindy, you there? Hi, Wayne.
How's the truck? It had an oil leak.
Damn, Cin.
! You make sure you add a couple quarts in there before you head back.
And I don't want to see one scratch on that - Okay, Wayne.
What do you say we just go ahead and do this? Shelly Tambo, do you un-take WayneJones as your lawfully wedded husband? - I do.
- Do you, WayneJones, un-take Shelly Tambo as your lawfully wedded wife? Yeah.
I guess.
Well, then, by the power invested in me to marry, I hereby undo what another brother of the cloth has done.
Happy divorce, everybody.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Thanks, Chris.
No problem, Shelly.
Wayne, you there? Hang on a sec, hon.
Shelly, congratulations.
If Wayne and I ever decide to untie the knot, I hope it's as cool.
Thanks, Cin.
Fleischman, you're never gonna believe what happened.
I saw this shack, and I couldn't tell it was abandoned.
So I started running towards it, and then I fell into this sinkhole.
Fleischman? Fleischman, what do you think you're doing? Just a little exploratory surgery.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What do you think you're doing? Get away from the airplane! It's only an engine, O'Connell.
Actually, it's not unlike the human heart.
Did you tamper with my engine, Fleischman? Did you? Did you tamper with my airplane? You tampered with my engine! Fleischman, this is my engine! I just - I took off this thing.
That's all.
What thing? The intake rudder? You took it off? I, uh, kind of took this off as well, but- The valve cover? Give me it! The thing is, the valve seemed stuck.
It had this gunk on it like a pulmonary stenosis.
Give me that! The heart has a valve.
It gets stuck, and the blood doesn't move forward.
It gets backed up, and then you have a major problem, hence, our situation here.
Fleischman, this is my plane.
This is my private, personally private-owned plane.
It doesn't work, O'Connell.
What exactly did you think I was gonna do? Make it not work worse? Don't say anything.
Just don't say a word.
- At least you can try and start it up.
- You've gotta be kidding.
The thing was stuck.
Now it's not stuck.
Maybe it works.
Moron.
Come on.
Give it a try.
Come on, O'Connell.
Easy on the clutch.
Don't flood it.
Nothing.
Happy, Fleischman? I don't understand.
It should work.
Wait.
Look.
Hey, hey, look.
O'Connell! I disconnected this thing here.
It goes to the battery.
Hold on.
All righty! Fire it up! Yeah! Contact.
! You did it.
You did it! Yeah! Let's go home! Yeah! I did it! Me! What do you suppose Shelly and, uh, her friend there are talking about? Oh, I don't know.
I suppose they're talkin' about clothes and boys and- and clothes.
Nice girl, what's-her-name.
She was down there at the Miss Northwest Passage with Shelly.
Fixed her hair.
Old friends are nice, aren't they? Did a nice job, as I recall.
But, you know, to tell you the truth, I didn't hardly notice her at all then.
God! Wayne and his dumb tapes.
Poison, Motley Crue, Aerosmith! Yeah, I know.
I mean, there's so much going on today, and he's living in the past.
Yeah.
I mean, Steven Tyler's cute, but my God, he's almost 40.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no big deal.
Holling's old, but he's got a motor on him.
- You better tell Wayne to get some new tires.
These are bald.
I got a spare.
Hey, girls.
Protein conditioner, then sculpting foam.
You got it, Cindy.
Boys.
They are kinda cute.
Yeah.
- You got the tuna sandwiches? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Love ya.
- See ya.
- Not if I see you first.
Shel, maybe we should plan a trip to Saskatoon.
- What for? - Well, you could see Cindy and your old gang.
Mm.
I don't know.
The Seals are playing Edmonton.
Cindy's gonna send me a pair of socks from the mall.
- Is that right? - It's the biggest mall in the world, you know.
They have this whole store that sells nothing but socks.
You know, Shelly, honey, you don't have to stay here in Cicely if you don't want to.
Oh, great.
First my husband marries somebody else, and now you don't want me either.
Shelly, I didn't- I didn't mean that at all.
No? No.
I just want you to know that I wouldn't want to stand in the way if it would make you feel better to be with your friends.
Why would I want to do that? Well, they've been your friends for a long time.
A very long time.
Since we were kids.
Might be more fun for you to be with people your own age.
All the parties and the dancing and such.
Well, that's stuff s okay.
I do miss it sometimes.
But- But I'd rather be here with you.
You would? Mm-hmm.
Shelly, I'm sorry if I make you feel old.
Don't sweat it, babe.
From now on, I'm making you young.