Northern Exposure s06e13 Episode Script

Horns

Joel? Joel? My God, it's good to see you.
Pete Gilliam.
We had a pow-wow in my office five years ago.
State of Alaska.
I set you up in Cicely.
Why I'm here, Joel.
Great news.
Remember that extra year we tacked onto your contract? Well, guess what? We goofed.
There was a test case last year in North Dakota.
Circumstances very similar to yours.
And the judge ruled that mid-contract extensions like yours are illegal.
Excuse me? Well, we blew it.
Pure and simple.
Innocent mistake.
But nevertheless, let me be the first to congratulate you.
You are a free man, my friend.
In fact, technically, you've been free since September 17th.
Now, naturally, we recognize that this means you've been working several months without a contract.
But I managed to shake loose a compensation check in the amount of $1,200 if you'll simply sign this release absolving the State of Alaska or any of its assigns of any wrongdoing.
Give my regards to Broadway.
Okay, you can get dressed now, Hayden.
That's quite an abrasion.
You're sure it's not an allergic reaction? New laundry detergent maybe? Uh-uh.
And it's purely a result of love-making? Uh-huh.
Any recent change in your sexual habits? Not mine.
Marsha's.
Lately, she's been all over me.
All over as in what? Two, three times a week? Try two, three times a day.
New cologne? What? Nothing.
I'm giving you a prescription for some corticosteroid for the soreness, but no intercourse for at least a week.
Let's give that appendage some time to heal, huh? Marsha's not gonna like this.
Have her call if she has any problems.
Next.
Well, Eugene, what can I do for you? Double hamstring pull.
I told you we're getting too old for those weekend football games.
It's not that.
Ginni and I have always had a very satisfactory love life, Dr.
Capra.
It's just that lately she's been particularly aggressive.
Really? I think we can put the fourth wellhead right about here.
Fourth wellhead? Are you sure? We don't want to expand too quickly, Monsieur Minnifield.
What's the matter with you, Bertrand? We've gotta think big around here.
Maurice.
Oh, Barbara.
This is a nice surprise.
Barbara Semanski, this is Bertrand Montpelier.
He's the chief engineer around here.
Enchanté.
This is a police matter, Maurice.
Oh, well, yeah.
Of course.
Fourth wellhead.
Get on it.
Well, how you been, Barbara? So, what do you think of our new facility? I had a team drilling for oil and damned if we didn't hit the sweetest source of water you ever saw.
It's 1,100 feet deep, age of the dinosaurs.
I'm looking for escaped violinist, Cal Ingraham.
Cal? What for? We're getting reports.
Violin music in the night, looted trash cans.
I believe he's in the area.
Have you seen him? No, why should I? He tried to kill you over a violin.
Later, you engaged in a criminal conspiracy facilitating his escape from Ellisberg State Mental hospital.
A conspiracy? He tricked me.
We have reason to believe you harbored him for a time.
Barbara.
Cal Ingraham is a wanted felon who must be considered mentally unstable and potentially dangerous.
If you see anything, I expect you to give me a call.
Yeah, of course.
I appreciate your interest.
Let's be clear about something, Maurice.
This is police business.
Any relationship we might have had of a personal nature is over.
Barbara.
At least take a bottle of Cicely Water.
On me.
Barbara, it's just water, for heaven's sake.
Well, that was interesting.
I thought you were calling me for lunch.
What's the occasion? It's not like you, in broad daylight and everything.
Just in the mood.
Yeah.
You and half the women in this town all of a sudden.
Hmm? You're all horny.
You know, the guys are acting kind of funny, too.
This morning, I was treating Eugene and he started talking about how busy he is planning his sister's wedding, how stressful it all is.
And all of a sudden he just started weeping.
Michelle? Mmm-hmm.
You haven't heard a word I've been saying, have you? Yeah, I heard you.
Somebody's getting married, right? Okay, I'm sorry.
Say it again.
What's the big deal, sweetie? You know, normally, I'm the one ignoring you and you're the one getting ticked off.
And what are you doing tying flies, you don't fish.
Well, Maggie and I have been talking about it.
Since when? I don't know.
Last week.
Here it is, Fleischman.
This is all my stuff? Yep.
Shelly and I stored it in here when the Capras moved in.
Thanks.
I really appreciate it.
You should.
Kind of weird, huh? Oh, look at this.
Mrs.
Anku gave me this.
You know, Fleischman, you look good.
Rugged, you know? The hair, the beard.
It's kind of Jeremiah Johnson.
It suits you.
Well, thanks, O'Connell.
Uh-huh.
So you wanna stay at my place? No.
Thanks.
I actually took a room at The Sourdough.
Oh.
You wanna get together for dinner? Yeah.
Or no.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I'm having dinner with Chris.
How about I drop by afterwards? You know, talk things over, see what your plans are.
Yeah, that sounds good.
You didn't see my tapes, by any chance, did you? What? I just I made these mixes for Founders' Day last year.
There was like eight hours worth of tapes.
There was some really rare stuff.
Oh, yeah.
I think Shelly took them.
Well, you know, who knew if you were coming back? Hey, Shelly.
Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Want to try some Cicely Water? What? Freebie.
We're running a special promotion.
No.
Hey, is it true you're bagging Alaska for the Big Apple? Well, yeah, it's definitely true.
You know those tapes of mine, the Founders' Day mixes? Totally awesome.
You do have them.
Great.
I'd be happy to make some copies for you.
What? Congratulations, Joel.
Oh, thanks, Holling.
Back to New York, huh? Yeah.
What do you mean, copies? You know, dubs.
I'd like them back.
I'll make you some dubs.
No way.
What? What're we talking about? I'll handle this.
We're talking about my Founders' Day tapes.
They were your tapes.
No, Shelly, they are my tapes.
Hey, you ditched them.
Look I borrowed music from all over the country to make those.
My uncle Manny sent me klezmer music.
Seventy-eights.
Why don't we just make copies like Joel says? You lose a whole generation in quality.
All right.
When I get back to New York, I will have a professional sound lab make you your own personal copy, all right? There will be no degradation.
Fat chance.
What? You snooze, you lose.
Shelly hasn't been herself lately, Joel.
Let me talk to her.
Holling, they're my tapes.
Cal? Hello, Ed.
Are you okay? My shoulder's a bit dodgy.
I saved the violin, though.
The hell? Barbara? Hello, Barbara.
Come in.
Got a call.
Hot prowl.
Possible 459.
Like permission to search the station.
Sure.
Help yourself.
Nice haircut.
Thanks.
Well, there's nobody in there.
See? You gonna check the back? We're in no hurry, are we? I don't know.
I thought we were on a search.
You know, Maurice, when I saw you standing by all that heavy equipment this morning, I said to myself, "That's one good-looking flyboy.
" Really? I like it in here, don't you? It's kind of a turn-on, don't you think? Barbara? Come here.
In front of the windows? I thought we were estranged.
Is that what you want? No, I Neither do I.
Right here, right now.
In the radio station? Uh-huh.
You sure this couldn't wait until morning? Oh, no lights.
One thing I forgot to tell you, Dr.
Capra.
Cal's a wanted criminal.
What? But he's a nice guy.
Well, what do you mean he's a wanted criminal? You know, a fugitive from justice.
He escaped from Ellisberg.
The state mental institution? He didn't care for it much.
Cal? Ed, what is going on here? Cal Ingraham, Dr.
Philip Capra.
Oh, I'm sorry, a gammy wing.
You were at Ellisberg? Briefly, yes.
That's a depressing place.
You've heard stories, I'm sure.
I'm really not a dangerous man, Doctor.
It's true I did blow up Mr.
Minnifield's truck with a homemade explosive device, a violin was at issue, but that's all water under the bridge now.
But you're still wanted.
Well, technically, yes.
Does that present a problem? I will vouch for him, Dr.
Capra.
Good.
I feel better now.
All right, what's wrong with your shoulder? He fell off my roof.
You were on Ed's roof? Playing the violin.
All right, enough of this.
I want some straight answers.
I want them right now.
I wasn't up to anything untoward, I can assure you.
You were playing the violin on Ed's roof? Has marvelous acoustics.
It's the surrounding hills.
I have my own home some 20 miles outside town.
Well, I call it a home.
It's an abandoned bear cave, actually.
It's quite snug, though.
Occasionally, I slip into town for supplies and scrounge a bit to eat.
Wait a minute.
You didn't by any chance take a honey-baked ham off our porch a couple of weeks ago, did you? Well, I do like to think my violin playing is some recompense.
All right.
Listen.
Why don't you make things a lot easier for everyone and just turn yourself in? Oh, no.
I'm afraid that's out of the question.
Look, you can't go on like this.
You can't go on sleeping in bear caves and playing on people's roofs.
Besides, you need proper medical attention.
I'm just a little salve, that's all.
Cal, you'd better be careful.
Officer Semanski's been snooping around a lot.
Oh, yes, Officer Semanski.
My Inspector Javert.
Doctor, if you'll just take a quick look, I guarantee I'll be on my way at once.
All right.
If I treat your shoulder, you'll leave Cicely? You promise? As soon as we're through, I'll pack my kit, and it's hi-ho, cried Raleigh.
All right.
Come on.
Doctor, I really am sorry about the ham.
I fully intend to pay people back.
Barbara? Don't fall asleep.
You want some more? No, no.
I just don't want you to go to sleep right now, that's all.
Oh.
Where're you going? Refrigerator.
What? Don't you want a slice of that cold pizza? Well, don't you want to talk first? Talk about what? Well, about us.
I mean, this is kind of sudden.
What is? Well, this.
You, me.
What made you change your mind from yesterday morning? I don't know.
Does it matter? Well, yeah.
It does to me.
Does this mean we have a future together? I guess so.
How about one of those kosher dills? No, thank you.
Don't go away.
Take a load off, Annie Take a load for free Take a load off, Annie How's Cal? Who? Cal? Do we have a patient named Cal, Marilyn? Everybody knows.
They do? How? They just know.
Well, if anybody comes asking, I took an oath, Marilyn.
I'm obligated to heal the sick regardless of the circumstances.
Okay.
Listen, Marilyn.
Have you noticed anything peculiar about the way men and women have been acting in this town lately? I saw Lowell Grippo at the Wash-N-Dry and he never does his own laundry.
In the last five days, I have seen 14 cases of genital abrasion, three groin pulls, two hamstrings and a hernia all directly attributable to aggressive female behavior.
There's definitely a pattern here, Marilyn.
A very disturbing pattern.
Oh.
I have cup of soup in the microwave.
She pulls up in the three-point land.
Air ball.
Yes! Yes! She hits at the buzzer! So you won.
Pistons win! Good shot.
What do you say, huh? Another one? Game to five? Yeah, maybe.
Nice buns.
Perky.
I tell you, I'm dying.
I thought you had a date with Joel last night? I did.
But Fleischman is on another planet.
You know what he's into? Serving tea.
Tea? Yes.
Mmm-hmm.
Men.
All right.
One more, but I take it in.
You know what? I just might get a little run in instead.
A what? A run.
Oh.
See you.
Yo! Wait up! Cal? of blood types, negative.
Have now ruled out blood, race, age, occupation, place of residence.
There has to be some common link for these gender disturbances, some causative agent, but I am running out of ideas as to what it could be.
That's the goofiest thing I ever heard.
Look, all I'm asking is what do you know about your water? We have run every test available, monsieur.
Look, Capra, this water predates history.
You can't get any purer than that.
What about the equipment? Isn't there always the possibility of contamination? Whoa, whoa.
Take it easy, Bert.
Why don't you go check the intake valve of the number two tank? I can handle this.
He took the fall for that benzene fiasco at Source Perrier a couple of years ago.
Cicely Water is his ticket back into the world of big-time bubbly.
Well, I didn't come here to insult you, Maurice, or your engineer.
All I know is that we have a healthcare problem on our hands, and I believe Cicely Water is involved.
Look, son.
You're working too hard.
You need to take a couple of days off.
I did a quick study of seven patients in my office.
It shows a direct link between daily consumption of Cicely Water and incidence of aberrant behavior.
Phil, my water exceeds EPA standards 1,000 fold.
Look at this equipment.
This is stainless steel, tanks, fittings, everything.
It's the best money can buy.
I'm not accusing you of any malfeasance.
In fact, I was hoping we could work up some sort of double-blind test together to get the bottom of all this.
In the meantime, of course, I'd recommend pulling Cicely Water off the shelves.
Are you nuts? If you think that I'm gonna put my nationwide rollout on hold because your wife would rather shoot baskets than cook dinner, you got another thing coming, my friend.
As primary healthcare provider for this community, Maurice, I have an obligation to tell the public about my concerns.
You put one word of this out there, I'll have you on the wrong end of a lawsuit so quick you won't be able to say "punitive damages.
" Yeah, just add it to the previous bill.
Okay, Ed, I'm here.
Where's Cal? He's downstairs.
You know, I'm really not happy about this.
Where do you keep the dental floss? Aisle two, Dr.
Capra.
Thank you.
Officer Semanski.
What's the matter, Chigliak? You don't look very well.
Well, it's going around, you know.
$1.
96, please.
Give me a piece of that turkey jerky, too.
You wouldn't know anything about Cal Ingraham, would you? Oh, Cal, no.
Your landlord says she heard violin music the other night.
She did, huh? $4.
20.
You know, Ed, aiding and abetting is a felony.
You have a nice day now.
She knows.
She doesn't know.
She knows I saw him.
She's just fishing.
If she knew, she'd be here now.
This is where he stays? Sometimes.
Cal? It's me, Ed.
I brought Dr.
Capra with me.
I appreciate the house call, Doctor.
But it really isn't necessary.
The shoulder is much improved.
Cal, you promised you'd leave.
Oh, and I fully intend to.
Haste, posthaste.
Ed tells me you snuck into his apartment again.
Oh, well, I'm not sure "snuck" is the proper word.
The door was open.
Let's not split hairs here, Cal.
There's a larger issue to discuss.
Now, in my opinion, you are suffering from acute depression.
Depression? Me? These unnecessary visits to town, playing on people's roofs.
Cal, this is the behavior of a man that wants to get caught, or seriously hurt, perhaps both.
Not a bit of it.
Come on, Cal.
You're sleeping underground in the dark all day.
Ed tells me you're watching depressing movies.
Unhappy violinists, women that walk off into the ocean.
Now, normally, I'd prescribe a program of short-term psychotherapy and medication.
But in these circumstances Thank you for your concern, Doctor, but I'm in tiptop shape.
Hello, Joel.
Hi, Holling.
I'd like my tapes, please, and then I'll be on my way.
Well, I'd better get Shelly.
Okay.
Shelly, Joel's here.
What'd you say? What do you want? I'd like my tapes, please.
They're mine.
I paid for them.
I recorded the music on them.
And I want them back.
I think you'd better leave.
Shelly, let's listen to what Joel has to say.
I know what he has to say, Holling.
Shelly, you don't have an ethical or a legal leg to stand on here, do you understand? Oh, yeah? Yeah.
What about a little thing called finders keepers? I'm sure we can all work something out.
I can handle this, Holling.
No, Holling, we can't work something out.
They are my tapes and she stole them.
I didn't steal a thing.
Shelly, Joel Okay.
Well, fine.
I'll just, I'll keep this.
Give me that.
No.
Give me the tapes.
All right.
Let's just calm down.
Shall we? Give it! Give it to me! Now, for heaven's sake, stop acting like a bunch of children.
What's so important about those tapes? You want tapes? I'll give them to you.
Holling, hey.
Go get them.
Great.
Thanks.
What'd you do that for? I said I could handle it.
My legs, I can't feel my legs.
All right.
Just try and relax, Hayden.
Most likely you're suffering some peripheral nerve root compression.
It's affecting your sciatic nerve.
Hold on a second.
Now, can you feel this? Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Let's go.
All right, you're gonna be fine.
Hayden, the sciatic nerve is the largest nerve in your body and it can sometimes trigger a whole variety of symptoms from your back all the way down to your legs.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, man.
Now, I don't think it's too serious, but I don't want to take any chances.
The back clinic in Anchorage has the facility to do a complete diagnosis.
So you just find yourself a comfortable position on the plane and take those aspirin every four hours, okay? Okay, Doc.
All right.
I'll talk to you soon.
Marsha, can I talk to you? Now, I gave specific instructions.
No intercourse for at least a week.
He was on the bottom.
I don't care where he was.
You violated a doctor's orders and this is the result.
Sorry.
That's all you can say, sorry? Look, do me a favor.
Next time, just listen, all right? All right.
All right, go on.
Hayden needs you.
Hold on, big guy.
You'll be fine.
I'm trying, baby.
All right, can we close the bar? Shut it down, Holling.
Bar's closed, folks.
Let's come to order.
I now would like to turn the meeting over to Dr.
Philip Capra.
Thank you, Maggie.
Okay.
As some of you already know, I believe that Cicely is experiencing a highly unusual health problem.
An epidemic, characterized by a marked reversal of gender-prevalent behavior.
In short, men are acting like women, and women are acting like men.
Now this condition which I call Cicely Syndrome, appears to be directly linked to consumption of Cicely Water.
How come when men get horny, it's okay, but when women get horny, it's a disease? Yeah.
Well, that's not exactly what I'm saying, Shelly.
I mean, obviously, there's nothing inherently pathological about a woman displaying a strong sexual drive.
Far from it.
Physicians are trained to look for patterns, and what we're seeing here is a significant deviation from the norm.
And this threatens you? No, no.
Maggie, all I'm saying is that mass aberrations in behavior, regardless of how benign those changes may appear, are cause for concern.
Now we're clearly dealing with something very powerful here, something we don't understand.
We need to go slow.
I see it as an opportunity, Phil.
Walk a mile in their espadrilles, you know what I mean? Deborah Tannen says that men view the world as a battle to be won.
Women see it as a community to be preserved.
I say, let the women fight it out for a while.
I'm digging this non-competitive groove, you know what I'm saying? That's all well and good in the abstract, Chris, but Quite frankly, Phil, I don't think this is our problem.
I think this is your problem.
So What? No, no.
Wait Motion to adjourn? Adjourn? Here.
Second? Second.
All in favor? Maggie! Maggie! Will you please Maggie Meeting adjourned.
Bar is open.
It's 9:30.
Why didn't you wake me? You looked so peaceful.
I missed the meeting.
Wasn't it worth it? What the I should never have let you bring me out here.
I should've known better.
It was only a meeting, Maurice.
That meeting was important to me.
Sorry.
Barbara, this has got to stop.
Come here.
No, no.
We can't go on like this, Barbara.
It's not right.
Can I help it if I'm attracted to you? I thought the feeling was mutual? I need conversation, quiet time together.
I thought our relationship would be built on something more than just lust.
Will you listen to me? I'm thirsty.
Oh, my Lord.
What? Capra was right.
It is the water.
Maurice? It's the water.
Maurice? Maurice? Cal? Sorry, Ed.
I'm keeping strict accounts, you know.
I thought you were leaving, Cal? Oh, I am.
Yes, indeed.
Just getting fortified.
Are you okay? Perfectly.
In the pink.
Really? I've been thinking.
Perhaps one or two of Dr.
Capra's little pep pills mightn't be such a bad idea after all.
I mean, just on the off chance there may be something to his little theory.
Are you depressed, Cal? Well, to be frank, I can't really explain what's happening to me, Ed.
I can't seem to leave town.
It's quite puzzling, actually.
I wonder if you're lonely? Yes, yes, you may be onto something there, Ed.
Interesting.
I've never been a social animal, Ed.
Even as a lad, I was quite accustomed to long periods of solitude, but this is different.
Lonely, yes, yes, that's getting close.
Well, I suppose what it comes down to is this.
If a violinist plays in the woods and there's no one there to hear him, does he really make a sound? What do you mean? Playing for the amusement of voles and marmots, just isn't the same as playing for people.
Even in the dark, from the rooftop, even though I can't see who's listening, there's something about a live performance, knowing someone's out there, just one person, perhaps, who's touched by your music.
I see.
Oh, but, I think if a violinist really were to play alone in the woods, he would make a sound, Cal.
I mean, if a tape recorder was left on, I think it would pick it up.
A word? Sure.
All right, Dr.
Capra, make your case.
What's wrong with my water? Well, I can't tell you exactly what, Maurice, but there's something in there, something that modifies behavior.
I will be glad to show you my result.
OSHA, EPA You're only testing for things we know about.
E.
coli, Crytospiridium.
What if this is something we've never seen before? Impossible.
I've been doing a lot of reading, Maurice.
It turns out pure water like yours is notoriously unstable.
What? Unstable water is very aggressive.
It wants to balance itself out somehow.
That's why distilled water is such a good cleaning agent.
It'll eat through anything eventually.
Copper, lead.
And maybe your water is being aggressive in a new way.
It's trying to balance itself out somehow in the human metabolism.
Maybe it wasn't comets that wiped out the dinosaurs, Maurice.
Maybe it was the water.
Hell, you get a couple of sex-crazed lady Velociraptors chasing after some understandably terrified males.
Who knows? Maybe tyrannosaurus rex went to the well once too often and got himself humped to death.
We're drinking the exact same water, Maurice.
I told myself it couldn't be.
The tests, they were perfect and then I ran them over and over But I knew.
I could feel there was something wrong.
Something terribly wrong.
I'll cap off the well.
Recall all the water immediately.
Take care of him, will you? One mooseburger, curly fries.
What's this? Oh, Dr.
Fleischman left those for you.
He did? Cool.
Hey, Fleischman.
Hey.
It's not a burn day, you know.
Yeah.
I know.
Hey, you want this? Your computer game? Yeah.
No.
All that beeping.
What are you doing? Those your golf clubs? Your Armani jacket? See, I made a list.
My favorite things.
Like the song.
There they are.
Your med school diploma? Yeah.
Why? It felt like the right thing to do.
What's happening? I'm not going.
I still have a lot more work to do.
Work? Yeah.
On me.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
For five years, I've had to listen to you whine about how you can't stand this place, how you can't wait to get back to New York, and now that you can, now that there's nothing holding you back, you're not going? You'd rather stretch skins in a primitive fishing village? Yeah.
It's the inner disciplines that I'm after.
Huh.
Well, I like that, actually.
I mean, you're gonna be around.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Hey, listen, maybe I'll put the pontoons on the plane and come see you next week.
No, next week's no good for me.
We're going after walrus.
How about the week after? Okay.
Look, Fleischman, I know you've told me this before, but tell me again.
This isn't my responsibility, right? You're not just acting out, are you? I'm fine.
Really.
I've never been better, in fact.
See you, Fleischman.
See you.
I came to apologize, Maurice.
I should have recognized the influence of a chemical substance.
I was totally out of regs.
Apology accepted.
Good.
I'm sorry to hear about your bottling plant.
Well, it's not a total loss.
I managed to sell some of the heavy equipment to Sparkletts, but, thanks.
I've gotta go.
Choke hold seminar in Sleetmute.
Yeah.
Maurice, maybe next time, we can have a cup of coffee, talk.
Thanks.
People, people.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Please make a note there's been a change in this evening's program.
The third piece, the Khachaturian, has been replaced by Caprice No.
9 in C major, La Caccia by Paganini.
And please, no flash pictures during the performance.
Unit 4-16, the rec center.
Possible violin activity.
Unit 4 responding.
I'm on it.
Hello, officer.
Little late to be working, isn't it? Oh, I don't mind.
All by yourself this evening? Oh, yes, ma'am.
Missed this one.
Thanks.
It's still warm.
Oh.
You're an okay kid, Chigliak.
I'd hate to hear you've fallen in with the wrong crowd.
Just think about what I'm telling you.
Hey there, friends and neighbors, Chris in the Morning with a bootleg tape that can't wait.
Cicely Tonight, Volume One.