Not Going Out (2006) s03e07 Episode Script
Marriage
What's the problem? Let's just say she needs a little tender, loving care.
Maybe I should book her in for an all-over chassis massage and a Brazilian muffler wax.
Not all women think of their cars as teddy bears, so why don't you tell me what the problem is? The distribution bolt has developed an influx with the mainstay capacitor Well, just don't hurt her, that's all.
You remind me of my sister.
Why, does she feel like slitting her wrists every time her car breaks down as well? No, she's dead.
She was a political activist who opposed our brutal government.
One day, she mysteriously went through the windscreen of her car.
I'm really sorry.
Your face reminds me of hers.
Sorry, do you mean? Before the accident.
Yeah, not going out Not staying in Just hangin' around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
Sorry! Hello.
Nothing I mean, hello.
What are you looking at? Owls.
It's half past 12 in the afternoon.
Yeah, shouldn't you still be in bed? I'm wasted, doing this job.
That explains a lot.
Oh, look, the owl is rubbing sun cream on her breasts.
They burn easily, owls.
That's why most of them come out at night.
So where have you been? The garage.
Again? It's the fourth time this week.
Someone's got to make sure my car's in proper working order.
Why can't you do it? You're from the North.
Some people find that kind of stereotyping quite offensive, you know.
OK, nick one for her instead.
You need a man in your life, don't you? No.
Don't worry.
I'm not worried.
You know, you're exactly the same as me.
All right, maybe a little worried.
We wake up in the morning looking for a man, and then we realise all the good ones are takenand all the single ones are no good.
Well, maybe I'm not going to be single for much longer.
Anyway, I'm just going to go to the bathroom.
Sorry, just to be clear, THAT meant that I understood about you wanting to talk about the new boyfriend thing.
I am not taking drugs.
It's not a boyfriend, it'scomplicated.
Not a girlfriend, is it? No.
You could have given me a few seconds longer.
Carry on.
There's a mechanic at the garage.
He's called Pavlov.
I know him.
Do you? Yeah, when I ring the bell on the ice-cream van, he starts salivating.
Well, anyway, the first time I went in, we got talking and he started telling me things, pretty much his whole life story.
Ah, how lovely, and all for just £145 an hour plus VAT.
He's not like that, he's a genuine hard-working, honest guy.
And he's definitely a mechanic? He is now.
In his home country, he was a playwright and an actor, but he's not been able to do that for a very long time.
Well, it's getting the parts, innit? So, er, why's he stopped the acting? Getting on a bit, is he, losing his looks? No.
He's only in this thirties, and he's fairly attractive.
The problem is, he's a political refugee.
He's been arrested, imprisoned, tortured.
Some of his close family have even gone missing.
How attractive? Almost as attractive as you, but obviously not as sensitive.
He wants to stay here for good, but it looks like he's going to be deported.
Oh.
Is that it? "Oh?" A man is gonna be shipped back to face a lifetime of persecution, a man who lives and works in our street.
Doesn't that bother you? No, there's always Kwik-Fit.
Lucy, we can't do anything.
Well, maybe I can.
He needs to get married, and I've said I might do it.
Have you told Dad? It's nothing to do with Dad, or you.
Why did you tell them to come round? I thought they could talk some sense into you.
Why don't they make Polo holes big enough so you can put your tongue right through? Just try and concentrate on what the taller one's saying.
Lucy, what happens when you do meet the right person, one day, and you wanna get married for real? Yeah, the newspaper boy smiles at you, why don't you marry him? If he was your husband, I wouldn't have to give him a tip every Christmas.
Tip? I remember when tangerines were considered a treat.
I know all of this sounds crazy, but wait until you meet him and hear his stories.
He's had it really tough.
We've all had it tough.
He's been tortured.
We've all been tortured.
My mum was pretty strict.
She didn't attach electric wires to your testicles.
All right, she never actually switched it on.
What is your problem? I can understand Mary Whitehouse here getting on his high horse, because he's family.
I can think of worse women to be compared to.
A lady of morality and decency, and in her heyday, a very handsome woman.
But why are YOU so concerned? I'm just worried about you, that's all.
Look, I'm not interested in having a real relationship with him, I just want to help him.
I'm only thinking about it, none of this is a definite.
Just thinking about it, are we? So why did Lee find these wedding magazines? Have you been snooping in my wardrobe? I was looking for a lion and a witch.
I don't wanna hear your crappy jokes, This is none of your business.
Actually, it's "Narnia" business.
Lucy, this isn't a game, you know.
You can't just dress up and pretend you're a princess.
Oh, is that right? That was different, I was a child.
you're even considering this.
He might be a criminal.
Maybe he's involved in the sex-slave industry.
This time next year, you might be dancing naked in a cage while hairy men thrust coins in your cleavage.
Oh, lovely.
Not even notes.
Hey, I saw a documentary last night on Channel 4 .
.
about zebras.
I was just trying to change the subject.
I thought everyone was getting a bit tense.
Yeah, it's backfired, hasn't it? Daisy, do you know something about Polos? They reckon if you concentrate really hard and don't talk, you can find a secret second hole.
I'm telling you, Lucy, this whole marriage thing has to stop right now.
Is that right, mister? Well, I was only thinking about it, but it's my life, not yours.
I'm going to do it.
No-one tells me what to do, you, him or Dad.
You tell him, sister.
We won't be pushed around.
Daisy, we're leaving.
Get your coat.
OK.
Oh, I think I've found that secret second hole.
It's on the other side, isn't it? Well done.
What do you mean, well done? Oh, it's an expression used when you've done something right.
You wouldn't have heard it before.
It's the opposite of, "Tim, you've made things worse again, you daft twat!" You've gotta do what I do with your sister and tread lightly.
Tread lightly? Why am I picturing a hippo in a ballet dress? BOTH: How is your mum? I said it first.
If this is anyone's fault, it's yours.
How is this possibly my fault? Because Lucy's 30, isn't she? Oh, yes, I forgot - I'm responsible for her age.
I knew I shouldn't have shagged your mum when I wasnine.
Oh, nice.
Not only have you slept with my mum, she's a paedophile.
Look, when women reach a certain age, sometimes they start thinking about things, and sometimes they act irrationally.
That's true, and she did give me a nice biscuit afterwards.
Not my mum, Lucy.
She's obviously got a lot of confused feelings at the moment, like, will she ever get married? Is she past her sell-by date? How's that my fault? It wouldn't have killed you to ask her out for a drink occasionally.
You've spent the last year and a half making sure I don't go anywhere near your sister.
It was the first thing you said to me.
"Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister.
" No, I didn't.
Trust me, I never forget when I've been threatened with a Beverley Sisters lyric.
Anyway, I don't want you going near her, but you could have asked her out just to boost her confidence, and then let her say no.
Sorry, I keep making the mistake of thinking I've got some dignity.
And what if she'd said yes? You'd have had to repeat the question so she heard you properly.
If going out with me is such a disaster, why would asking her boost her confidence? She would realise, no matter how low she feels, there's still a lot further she could fall.
I'm sorry, can you speak up? I can't quite hear you down here with me face in the gutter! I don't know what I'm trying to say.
This is giving me a lot of confused feelings as well.
Oh, do you want to go out for a drink some time? I'm not expecting a yes, I'm just trying to boost your confidence.
Maybe I should talk to her again.
And say what? "Come on, Lucy, you're not past your sell-by date yet.
" Don't say "yet.
" Why not? Because that implies it's approaching.
All right, "You're not past your sell-by date for ages.
"You've got years.
You're like a bag of dried walnuts.
" That's good.
But you just missed out "shrivelled and flaky.
" What is the problem? I always buy stuff past its sell-by date.
It's cheaper, and it tastes almost as good as the fresh stuff.
If you remember that exact phrase and say it to Lucy, I'm sure everything will be fine.
Have you got any better ideas? I have, actually.
I'm going to go round and see this bloke, lean on him a bit.
Lean on him? Have you been watching Goodfellas again, Joe Pasquale? I think you mean Joe Pesci.
I know exactly who I mean.
Ahem Excuse me? Hello, can I have a word, please? Is he ignoring me, or has he been run over? Don't make me grab you by the ankles.
I'm here to tell you to back off a little lady I like to call my sister! Sorry, have you been waiting long? I did not hear you.
Where would we be without iPods, hey? Well, you'd be in hospital.
I was just saying, Pavlov, or do you prefer Pav? Either will do.
Well, I was just saying, Ivor .
.
I'm Lucy's brother.
It's lovely to meet you.
Oh, yes! Tim, please.
I'm sorry we don't have any seats.
That's OK.
Don't let the tweed fool you.
I've been to Glastonbury.
Actually, it wasn't during the festival, they've just got a very nice cathedral.
I know why you're here, Tim.
To protect your sister.
You're doing a good thing.
I too was very close to my brother.
Hopefully, one day, they will find him.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You are a good man, Tim.
I see you have very kind eyes.
Thank you.
You've got very nicearms.
So have you.
What? Nothing.
You say potato He says, "sfasmersniak!" You say tomato He says, "fenuffllite!" Potato, sfasmersniak Tomato, fenuffllite Let's call the whole thing a sham! I wouldn't drink that, by the way, it's out of date.
Who cares about sell-by dates? Looks all right to me.
In fact, it looks more than all right.
OK, so it's a bit chewy.
Lucy, I've got something to tell you, but don't kill me.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
Unless you're finally admitting you fancy my mother.
Oh, I'd never admit that.
Or if it was something really stupid, like Tim went round to threaten Pavlov and you didn't try and stop him.
Obviously, then I'd really kill you.
Your mother was looking very attractive last week.
So you've spoken to Pavlov, then? Actually, I told her.
I also said they had my blessing with the nuptials.
What are you talking about? It means the wedding.
Don't worry, I didn't know either.
He's such a nice bloke, Lee.
I can't let a man like that be deported.
His stories are heartbreaking.
Oh, for God's sake! It's all right for you, Mr Cynical, you haven't heard about the family donkey catching syphilis.
They couldn't afford a general anaesthetic, so all the kids had to punch him to sleep.
Pavlov's asked Tim to be best man.
Best man? I know, being told you're a man's quite nice, but the best one I've always wanted to tie the tin cans to the back of the car.
Oh, we did that at my Uncle Peter's wedding.
He was a bit hard of hearing, so we used dustbins.
Oh, it was so funny.
Oh, actually, no, it wasn't, we killed a cat.
Have you any idea the trouble you'll be in if immigration find out? I think the cat was English.
Lee, what we're doing is right, and come on, who doesn't like a big white wedding? I do.
Sorry, Lee, what were you saying about fancying my mum? Immigration come round, you know.
Test you, make sure you really do know each other.
Don't worry, I've done my homework.
Go on, ask me a question.
All right, what's his date of birth? of Zetski, just outside the Capital, at 3.
15am.
Next! What's his father's Christian name? Vladimir.
Married Olga in June 1968, maiden name, Ivorniski.
Next! How high can he jump? Ridiculous, our only daughter marrying someone to keep them in the country.
Has she gone mad? I said that.
She's being a stupid idealist.
She could end up in prison.
I said that as well.
That girl is not too old to go over my knee, you know.
I feel bad having to come round and tell you this, but I didn't know where else to turn.
I can't believe Tim is going along with this.
I told him to go and punch this bloke's lights out.
Do you know where to find this fellow? No idea.
Pity.
He wouldn't be marrying my daughter once I'd finished with him.
He certainly wouldn't consummate the marriage.
Actually, I do remember roughly where he works now.
Where? Flanders & Son mechanical traders yard, 365 Elmsley Drive, E16 4LJ.
Want the phone number? Maybe Lee should come with us.
I can handle myself, thank you very much.
Far be it for me to interfere with Geoffreyhandling himself.
It's not that finger.
When Papa came back from the market, I looked up hopefully.
"Did you have enough potatoes to exchange for a pig?" I said.
But he shook his head, reached inside his sack and pulled out a cat.
We have only the Lord to thank that little cat was still lactating.
You look amazing, Lucy.
Yes, you too, Tim.
I knew it was only a matter of time before some lucky man stole you away.
Yes, you too, Tim.
What's going on? Ah, Lee, we're just helping Lucy and Tim make some choices for the big day.
What do you reckon? Very nice, but isn't it illegal between brother and sister? Unless you want kids with curly tails and biscuit tin foreheads.
Talking of which, you two aren't brother and sister, are you? I'm sorry, Lee, but Pavlov's stories are heartbreaking.
Oh, my God, he got to you as well.
He had to go down a tin mine at 11.
So? I had a job when I was a kid.
We've all suffered.
What did you do? I was a shelf stacker at the Co-op.
Someone get me Amnesty International(!) Have you decided what to do with those rings? You don't want people staring at you when you're fumbling in your pocket.
That's good advice for you as well, Lee.
Don't worry, Dad, I know exactly where they are.
I'm taking no chances.
I've attached a length of cord tied in a bowline knot, which is then secured to a tempered steel fob, which is, in due course, fastened to a specially sewn-in security tag on the inside of my waistcoat.
You see, people are always mocking my precautious nature.
But now, who looks the idiot? Have you all gone mad? Lee, you should let us get on with things.
There's a lot to do.
Fine, but don't come crying to me when your daughter's a sex slave, forced into prostitution for old bits of scrap food.
Oh, lovely, not even cash now.
What are you talking about? Ask Barbara when she gets here.
She's already here.
I know, it's the eye shadow.
Is it too much? Well? They say they will need to come around to your home three weeks after the wedding to interview us.
Maybe they will realise it's all a lie.
Oh, it'll be fine.
Everyone's helping, even Daisy.
She made this on the computer.
It's not perfect, but it's the thought that counts.
You are right, everything will be fine.
You know, I have never actually been to an English wedding before.
Tell me, what is it like? I'm going to be wearing your bollocks as earrings! Yes, we'd want the honeymoon suite, plus another room next door I don't know, in case things don't work out.
Yeah, it's under the names of Pavlov Petrietskivadorski and Lucy Adams.
Yeah, sure, it's A-D-A Oh, I see.
I've no idea.
I'll check and ring you back.
Bye.
Oh, so honeymoon now, is it? Well, us being married has got to look even more real now.
Something tells me I'm going to get a visit from Immigration sooner than I thought.
Phwoar! Well, looking at this body, at least you won't have to do any faking in the honeymoon suite.
I'm talking about orgasm I know what you're talking about.
We'll be in separate rooms.
My parents spent their whole married life in separate rooms.
It didn't stop them having sex.
No, it was father's latent homosexuality that stopped that.
Where are you going? Goa.
You're so lucky.
I've always wanted to go to India.
It's been a dream of mine ever since I saw It Ain't Half Hot Mum on the telly.
Mum was lucky enough to go once.
Oh, whereabouts? Pinewood Studios.
She got to meet Windsor Davies afterwards.
KNOCK ON DOOR Good afternoon, madam.
Who are you, Clark Kent? Try again.
Why, did I pronounce your surname wrong? I'm from the Immigration Department, and I'm here to play a game we like to call (AS BRUCE FORSYTH) Play Your Green Cards Right.
The subject tonight is dodgy East European mechanics.
What's going on? I went to the Immigration Department this afternoon.
At least you've got the balls to admit it.
Well, for now, anyway.
Ah, I see.
You think I told 'em what's going on, don't you? Well, didn't you? Lucy, I'm many things, but I'm not a grass.
You're always telling me what Tim gets up to.
That's not a grass, that's a snitch.
And that's fine, cos that suggests a certain cheeky rodent charm that you'd see in a Disney film.
I went to find out the kind of questions they ask you, I was worried.
And you could not be in any more shit if you drowned in a colonic irrigation accident.
Ah, you heard about Pavlov's cousin, then? All right, you've got a test for me.
I'm prepared.
What do you want to know, Pavlov's height, population of his home country? Bring it on.
What's your future husband's favourite television show? Sorry? Oh, that sitcom in the 1980s with Ronnie Corbett? That's quite big, is it, in Hoojaflakichapistan? What else does he like, Only Fools And Mountain Yaks? What's his favourite fruit? Lemons.
Oh, tasty(!) On their own, or with a nice juicy onion?! Lemons.
Are you sure? Yes.
Because we at the Immigration Department check with your other half, and the answers have to match.
OK, apples.
Uh-uh! What's the answer, then? Lemons.
This is ridiculous.
You can live with someone, be married, be madly in love with them and still not know what their favourite fruit is.
All right, what's your flatmate's favourite fruit? He doesn't eat fruit.
And why not? Because if God had wanted us to eat fruit, he wouldn't have invented bacon.
Our survey saidding! And what's your flatmate's favourite television show? Family Fortunes, the Bob Monkhouse era, as he feels that Les Dennis didn't properly engage with the spirit of the format, and he's more than sceptical about the celebrity remake with Vernon Kay.
Our survey said Yeah, all right.
You've made your point.
God, I really don't know this guy at all, do I? Don't chuck your life away.
You're hardly drinking in the last chance saloon.
Maybe having a quick half in the "Is that the time already?" bar and grill.
What am I doing? But I can't let him down now, I've promised.
Don't worry, I'll deal with it.
It's about time this bloke tried one of his sad stories on someone else who's had it tough.
See where that gets him.
Are you OK? Yes.
Can I get you anything? No.
Sorry, it was the bit about your uncle having to eat his own false teeth that got me.
I think it's very nice, you try to protect Lucy like this.
Don't worry, I will go back to my country.
It will give me a chance to visit my grandmother's grave.
Oh, God! You mean the one that kept warm by burning her own artificial legs? Yes.
You didn't tell me she was dead.
The fire got out of control.
She couldn't get away.
Such a shame, you know.
Everybody seemed to be so looking forward to this wedding.
Wait I've got an idea.
Do you really want to stay in this country? I'd do anything.
Anything? Anything.
OK.
You seem like you can cope with a bit of suffering.
You obviously don't mind excessive dirt, and you've obviously had a lifetime of seeing your home being destroyed.
Barbara, how do you fancy a trip to India? Fantastic day Fantastic day Well, I can find a funny feeling funny as a smile When your mouth is all dry Why? Fantastic day Fantastic day Fantastic day CAT YELPS I hope Barbara's gonna be OK.
If Immigration were going to realise that I didn't know Pavlov inside out, how is she gonna be any different? It's OK, she'll be fine.
We got a postcard off her this morning.
"Having a lovely time.
Pavlov seems happy.
They've got his favourite type of ham.
"He likes to cut the rind off and eat that first, which is unusual.
"He always has semi-skimmed milk, yet it's full-fat cheese.
What's going on there?! "Anyway, can't wait to get off this plane and see what India's like.
" So, any regrets? No.
You? Apart from not learning French.
Je ne regrette "croissant.
" I'm glad I helped Pavlov.
We've got a lot in common, me and him.
He lost both parents in the civil war, his brothers were kidnapped by the government, and at the age of seven, he was taught how to use a machine gun.
You were brought up in Chorley.
It's true.
He doesn't know how lucky he's had it.
And now he's married to Barbara.
You win.
He's got it tougher.
Maybe I should book her in for an all-over chassis massage and a Brazilian muffler wax.
Not all women think of their cars as teddy bears, so why don't you tell me what the problem is? The distribution bolt has developed an influx with the mainstay capacitor Well, just don't hurt her, that's all.
You remind me of my sister.
Why, does she feel like slitting her wrists every time her car breaks down as well? No, she's dead.
She was a political activist who opposed our brutal government.
One day, she mysteriously went through the windscreen of her car.
I'm really sorry.
Your face reminds me of hers.
Sorry, do you mean? Before the accident.
Yeah, not going out Not staying in Just hangin' around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
Sorry! Hello.
Nothing I mean, hello.
What are you looking at? Owls.
It's half past 12 in the afternoon.
Yeah, shouldn't you still be in bed? I'm wasted, doing this job.
That explains a lot.
Oh, look, the owl is rubbing sun cream on her breasts.
They burn easily, owls.
That's why most of them come out at night.
So where have you been? The garage.
Again? It's the fourth time this week.
Someone's got to make sure my car's in proper working order.
Why can't you do it? You're from the North.
Some people find that kind of stereotyping quite offensive, you know.
OK, nick one for her instead.
You need a man in your life, don't you? No.
Don't worry.
I'm not worried.
You know, you're exactly the same as me.
All right, maybe a little worried.
We wake up in the morning looking for a man, and then we realise all the good ones are takenand all the single ones are no good.
Well, maybe I'm not going to be single for much longer.
Anyway, I'm just going to go to the bathroom.
Sorry, just to be clear, THAT meant that I understood about you wanting to talk about the new boyfriend thing.
I am not taking drugs.
It's not a boyfriend, it'scomplicated.
Not a girlfriend, is it? No.
You could have given me a few seconds longer.
Carry on.
There's a mechanic at the garage.
He's called Pavlov.
I know him.
Do you? Yeah, when I ring the bell on the ice-cream van, he starts salivating.
Well, anyway, the first time I went in, we got talking and he started telling me things, pretty much his whole life story.
Ah, how lovely, and all for just £145 an hour plus VAT.
He's not like that, he's a genuine hard-working, honest guy.
And he's definitely a mechanic? He is now.
In his home country, he was a playwright and an actor, but he's not been able to do that for a very long time.
Well, it's getting the parts, innit? So, er, why's he stopped the acting? Getting on a bit, is he, losing his looks? No.
He's only in this thirties, and he's fairly attractive.
The problem is, he's a political refugee.
He's been arrested, imprisoned, tortured.
Some of his close family have even gone missing.
How attractive? Almost as attractive as you, but obviously not as sensitive.
He wants to stay here for good, but it looks like he's going to be deported.
Oh.
Is that it? "Oh?" A man is gonna be shipped back to face a lifetime of persecution, a man who lives and works in our street.
Doesn't that bother you? No, there's always Kwik-Fit.
Lucy, we can't do anything.
Well, maybe I can.
He needs to get married, and I've said I might do it.
Have you told Dad? It's nothing to do with Dad, or you.
Why did you tell them to come round? I thought they could talk some sense into you.
Why don't they make Polo holes big enough so you can put your tongue right through? Just try and concentrate on what the taller one's saying.
Lucy, what happens when you do meet the right person, one day, and you wanna get married for real? Yeah, the newspaper boy smiles at you, why don't you marry him? If he was your husband, I wouldn't have to give him a tip every Christmas.
Tip? I remember when tangerines were considered a treat.
I know all of this sounds crazy, but wait until you meet him and hear his stories.
He's had it really tough.
We've all had it tough.
He's been tortured.
We've all been tortured.
My mum was pretty strict.
She didn't attach electric wires to your testicles.
All right, she never actually switched it on.
What is your problem? I can understand Mary Whitehouse here getting on his high horse, because he's family.
I can think of worse women to be compared to.
A lady of morality and decency, and in her heyday, a very handsome woman.
But why are YOU so concerned? I'm just worried about you, that's all.
Look, I'm not interested in having a real relationship with him, I just want to help him.
I'm only thinking about it, none of this is a definite.
Just thinking about it, are we? So why did Lee find these wedding magazines? Have you been snooping in my wardrobe? I was looking for a lion and a witch.
I don't wanna hear your crappy jokes, This is none of your business.
Actually, it's "Narnia" business.
Lucy, this isn't a game, you know.
You can't just dress up and pretend you're a princess.
Oh, is that right? That was different, I was a child.
you're even considering this.
He might be a criminal.
Maybe he's involved in the sex-slave industry.
This time next year, you might be dancing naked in a cage while hairy men thrust coins in your cleavage.
Oh, lovely.
Not even notes.
Hey, I saw a documentary last night on Channel 4 .
.
about zebras.
I was just trying to change the subject.
I thought everyone was getting a bit tense.
Yeah, it's backfired, hasn't it? Daisy, do you know something about Polos? They reckon if you concentrate really hard and don't talk, you can find a secret second hole.
I'm telling you, Lucy, this whole marriage thing has to stop right now.
Is that right, mister? Well, I was only thinking about it, but it's my life, not yours.
I'm going to do it.
No-one tells me what to do, you, him or Dad.
You tell him, sister.
We won't be pushed around.
Daisy, we're leaving.
Get your coat.
OK.
Oh, I think I've found that secret second hole.
It's on the other side, isn't it? Well done.
What do you mean, well done? Oh, it's an expression used when you've done something right.
You wouldn't have heard it before.
It's the opposite of, "Tim, you've made things worse again, you daft twat!" You've gotta do what I do with your sister and tread lightly.
Tread lightly? Why am I picturing a hippo in a ballet dress? BOTH: How is your mum? I said it first.
If this is anyone's fault, it's yours.
How is this possibly my fault? Because Lucy's 30, isn't she? Oh, yes, I forgot - I'm responsible for her age.
I knew I shouldn't have shagged your mum when I wasnine.
Oh, nice.
Not only have you slept with my mum, she's a paedophile.
Look, when women reach a certain age, sometimes they start thinking about things, and sometimes they act irrationally.
That's true, and she did give me a nice biscuit afterwards.
Not my mum, Lucy.
She's obviously got a lot of confused feelings at the moment, like, will she ever get married? Is she past her sell-by date? How's that my fault? It wouldn't have killed you to ask her out for a drink occasionally.
You've spent the last year and a half making sure I don't go anywhere near your sister.
It was the first thing you said to me.
"Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister.
" No, I didn't.
Trust me, I never forget when I've been threatened with a Beverley Sisters lyric.
Anyway, I don't want you going near her, but you could have asked her out just to boost her confidence, and then let her say no.
Sorry, I keep making the mistake of thinking I've got some dignity.
And what if she'd said yes? You'd have had to repeat the question so she heard you properly.
If going out with me is such a disaster, why would asking her boost her confidence? She would realise, no matter how low she feels, there's still a lot further she could fall.
I'm sorry, can you speak up? I can't quite hear you down here with me face in the gutter! I don't know what I'm trying to say.
This is giving me a lot of confused feelings as well.
Oh, do you want to go out for a drink some time? I'm not expecting a yes, I'm just trying to boost your confidence.
Maybe I should talk to her again.
And say what? "Come on, Lucy, you're not past your sell-by date yet.
" Don't say "yet.
" Why not? Because that implies it's approaching.
All right, "You're not past your sell-by date for ages.
"You've got years.
You're like a bag of dried walnuts.
" That's good.
But you just missed out "shrivelled and flaky.
" What is the problem? I always buy stuff past its sell-by date.
It's cheaper, and it tastes almost as good as the fresh stuff.
If you remember that exact phrase and say it to Lucy, I'm sure everything will be fine.
Have you got any better ideas? I have, actually.
I'm going to go round and see this bloke, lean on him a bit.
Lean on him? Have you been watching Goodfellas again, Joe Pasquale? I think you mean Joe Pesci.
I know exactly who I mean.
Ahem Excuse me? Hello, can I have a word, please? Is he ignoring me, or has he been run over? Don't make me grab you by the ankles.
I'm here to tell you to back off a little lady I like to call my sister! Sorry, have you been waiting long? I did not hear you.
Where would we be without iPods, hey? Well, you'd be in hospital.
I was just saying, Pavlov, or do you prefer Pav? Either will do.
Well, I was just saying, Ivor .
.
I'm Lucy's brother.
It's lovely to meet you.
Oh, yes! Tim, please.
I'm sorry we don't have any seats.
That's OK.
Don't let the tweed fool you.
I've been to Glastonbury.
Actually, it wasn't during the festival, they've just got a very nice cathedral.
I know why you're here, Tim.
To protect your sister.
You're doing a good thing.
I too was very close to my brother.
Hopefully, one day, they will find him.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You are a good man, Tim.
I see you have very kind eyes.
Thank you.
You've got very nicearms.
So have you.
What? Nothing.
You say potato He says, "sfasmersniak!" You say tomato He says, "fenuffllite!" Potato, sfasmersniak Tomato, fenuffllite Let's call the whole thing a sham! I wouldn't drink that, by the way, it's out of date.
Who cares about sell-by dates? Looks all right to me.
In fact, it looks more than all right.
OK, so it's a bit chewy.
Lucy, I've got something to tell you, but don't kill me.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
Unless you're finally admitting you fancy my mother.
Oh, I'd never admit that.
Or if it was something really stupid, like Tim went round to threaten Pavlov and you didn't try and stop him.
Obviously, then I'd really kill you.
Your mother was looking very attractive last week.
So you've spoken to Pavlov, then? Actually, I told her.
I also said they had my blessing with the nuptials.
What are you talking about? It means the wedding.
Don't worry, I didn't know either.
He's such a nice bloke, Lee.
I can't let a man like that be deported.
His stories are heartbreaking.
Oh, for God's sake! It's all right for you, Mr Cynical, you haven't heard about the family donkey catching syphilis.
They couldn't afford a general anaesthetic, so all the kids had to punch him to sleep.
Pavlov's asked Tim to be best man.
Best man? I know, being told you're a man's quite nice, but the best one I've always wanted to tie the tin cans to the back of the car.
Oh, we did that at my Uncle Peter's wedding.
He was a bit hard of hearing, so we used dustbins.
Oh, it was so funny.
Oh, actually, no, it wasn't, we killed a cat.
Have you any idea the trouble you'll be in if immigration find out? I think the cat was English.
Lee, what we're doing is right, and come on, who doesn't like a big white wedding? I do.
Sorry, Lee, what were you saying about fancying my mum? Immigration come round, you know.
Test you, make sure you really do know each other.
Don't worry, I've done my homework.
Go on, ask me a question.
All right, what's his date of birth? of Zetski, just outside the Capital, at 3.
15am.
Next! What's his father's Christian name? Vladimir.
Married Olga in June 1968, maiden name, Ivorniski.
Next! How high can he jump? Ridiculous, our only daughter marrying someone to keep them in the country.
Has she gone mad? I said that.
She's being a stupid idealist.
She could end up in prison.
I said that as well.
That girl is not too old to go over my knee, you know.
I feel bad having to come round and tell you this, but I didn't know where else to turn.
I can't believe Tim is going along with this.
I told him to go and punch this bloke's lights out.
Do you know where to find this fellow? No idea.
Pity.
He wouldn't be marrying my daughter once I'd finished with him.
He certainly wouldn't consummate the marriage.
Actually, I do remember roughly where he works now.
Where? Flanders & Son mechanical traders yard, 365 Elmsley Drive, E16 4LJ.
Want the phone number? Maybe Lee should come with us.
I can handle myself, thank you very much.
Far be it for me to interfere with Geoffreyhandling himself.
It's not that finger.
When Papa came back from the market, I looked up hopefully.
"Did you have enough potatoes to exchange for a pig?" I said.
But he shook his head, reached inside his sack and pulled out a cat.
We have only the Lord to thank that little cat was still lactating.
You look amazing, Lucy.
Yes, you too, Tim.
I knew it was only a matter of time before some lucky man stole you away.
Yes, you too, Tim.
What's going on? Ah, Lee, we're just helping Lucy and Tim make some choices for the big day.
What do you reckon? Very nice, but isn't it illegal between brother and sister? Unless you want kids with curly tails and biscuit tin foreheads.
Talking of which, you two aren't brother and sister, are you? I'm sorry, Lee, but Pavlov's stories are heartbreaking.
Oh, my God, he got to you as well.
He had to go down a tin mine at 11.
So? I had a job when I was a kid.
We've all suffered.
What did you do? I was a shelf stacker at the Co-op.
Someone get me Amnesty International(!) Have you decided what to do with those rings? You don't want people staring at you when you're fumbling in your pocket.
That's good advice for you as well, Lee.
Don't worry, Dad, I know exactly where they are.
I'm taking no chances.
I've attached a length of cord tied in a bowline knot, which is then secured to a tempered steel fob, which is, in due course, fastened to a specially sewn-in security tag on the inside of my waistcoat.
You see, people are always mocking my precautious nature.
But now, who looks the idiot? Have you all gone mad? Lee, you should let us get on with things.
There's a lot to do.
Fine, but don't come crying to me when your daughter's a sex slave, forced into prostitution for old bits of scrap food.
Oh, lovely, not even cash now.
What are you talking about? Ask Barbara when she gets here.
She's already here.
I know, it's the eye shadow.
Is it too much? Well? They say they will need to come around to your home three weeks after the wedding to interview us.
Maybe they will realise it's all a lie.
Oh, it'll be fine.
Everyone's helping, even Daisy.
She made this on the computer.
It's not perfect, but it's the thought that counts.
You are right, everything will be fine.
You know, I have never actually been to an English wedding before.
Tell me, what is it like? I'm going to be wearing your bollocks as earrings! Yes, we'd want the honeymoon suite, plus another room next door I don't know, in case things don't work out.
Yeah, it's under the names of Pavlov Petrietskivadorski and Lucy Adams.
Yeah, sure, it's A-D-A Oh, I see.
I've no idea.
I'll check and ring you back.
Bye.
Oh, so honeymoon now, is it? Well, us being married has got to look even more real now.
Something tells me I'm going to get a visit from Immigration sooner than I thought.
Phwoar! Well, looking at this body, at least you won't have to do any faking in the honeymoon suite.
I'm talking about orgasm I know what you're talking about.
We'll be in separate rooms.
My parents spent their whole married life in separate rooms.
It didn't stop them having sex.
No, it was father's latent homosexuality that stopped that.
Where are you going? Goa.
You're so lucky.
I've always wanted to go to India.
It's been a dream of mine ever since I saw It Ain't Half Hot Mum on the telly.
Mum was lucky enough to go once.
Oh, whereabouts? Pinewood Studios.
She got to meet Windsor Davies afterwards.
KNOCK ON DOOR Good afternoon, madam.
Who are you, Clark Kent? Try again.
Why, did I pronounce your surname wrong? I'm from the Immigration Department, and I'm here to play a game we like to call (AS BRUCE FORSYTH) Play Your Green Cards Right.
The subject tonight is dodgy East European mechanics.
What's going on? I went to the Immigration Department this afternoon.
At least you've got the balls to admit it.
Well, for now, anyway.
Ah, I see.
You think I told 'em what's going on, don't you? Well, didn't you? Lucy, I'm many things, but I'm not a grass.
You're always telling me what Tim gets up to.
That's not a grass, that's a snitch.
And that's fine, cos that suggests a certain cheeky rodent charm that you'd see in a Disney film.
I went to find out the kind of questions they ask you, I was worried.
And you could not be in any more shit if you drowned in a colonic irrigation accident.
Ah, you heard about Pavlov's cousin, then? All right, you've got a test for me.
I'm prepared.
What do you want to know, Pavlov's height, population of his home country? Bring it on.
What's your future husband's favourite television show? Sorry? Oh, that sitcom in the 1980s with Ronnie Corbett? That's quite big, is it, in Hoojaflakichapistan? What else does he like, Only Fools And Mountain Yaks? What's his favourite fruit? Lemons.
Oh, tasty(!) On their own, or with a nice juicy onion?! Lemons.
Are you sure? Yes.
Because we at the Immigration Department check with your other half, and the answers have to match.
OK, apples.
Uh-uh! What's the answer, then? Lemons.
This is ridiculous.
You can live with someone, be married, be madly in love with them and still not know what their favourite fruit is.
All right, what's your flatmate's favourite fruit? He doesn't eat fruit.
And why not? Because if God had wanted us to eat fruit, he wouldn't have invented bacon.
Our survey saidding! And what's your flatmate's favourite television show? Family Fortunes, the Bob Monkhouse era, as he feels that Les Dennis didn't properly engage with the spirit of the format, and he's more than sceptical about the celebrity remake with Vernon Kay.
Our survey said Yeah, all right.
You've made your point.
God, I really don't know this guy at all, do I? Don't chuck your life away.
You're hardly drinking in the last chance saloon.
Maybe having a quick half in the "Is that the time already?" bar and grill.
What am I doing? But I can't let him down now, I've promised.
Don't worry, I'll deal with it.
It's about time this bloke tried one of his sad stories on someone else who's had it tough.
See where that gets him.
Are you OK? Yes.
Can I get you anything? No.
Sorry, it was the bit about your uncle having to eat his own false teeth that got me.
I think it's very nice, you try to protect Lucy like this.
Don't worry, I will go back to my country.
It will give me a chance to visit my grandmother's grave.
Oh, God! You mean the one that kept warm by burning her own artificial legs? Yes.
You didn't tell me she was dead.
The fire got out of control.
She couldn't get away.
Such a shame, you know.
Everybody seemed to be so looking forward to this wedding.
Wait I've got an idea.
Do you really want to stay in this country? I'd do anything.
Anything? Anything.
OK.
You seem like you can cope with a bit of suffering.
You obviously don't mind excessive dirt, and you've obviously had a lifetime of seeing your home being destroyed.
Barbara, how do you fancy a trip to India? Fantastic day Fantastic day Well, I can find a funny feeling funny as a smile When your mouth is all dry Why? Fantastic day Fantastic day Fantastic day CAT YELPS I hope Barbara's gonna be OK.
If Immigration were going to realise that I didn't know Pavlov inside out, how is she gonna be any different? It's OK, she'll be fine.
We got a postcard off her this morning.
"Having a lovely time.
Pavlov seems happy.
They've got his favourite type of ham.
"He likes to cut the rind off and eat that first, which is unusual.
"He always has semi-skimmed milk, yet it's full-fat cheese.
What's going on there?! "Anyway, can't wait to get off this plane and see what India's like.
" So, any regrets? No.
You? Apart from not learning French.
Je ne regrette "croissant.
" I'm glad I helped Pavlov.
We've got a lot in common, me and him.
He lost both parents in the civil war, his brothers were kidnapped by the government, and at the age of seven, he was taught how to use a machine gun.
You were brought up in Chorley.
It's true.
He doesn't know how lucky he's had it.
And now he's married to Barbara.
You win.
He's got it tougher.