Not Going Out (2006) s04e01 Episode Script
Drugs
We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
Where are you going? It's a business thing.
At this time? Times are hard, but how are you earning money nowadays? Ho ho ho.
I heard you the first time.
I'm catching an overnight train to a conference, so you're on your own for a couple of days.
Try to behave like a human adult.
I haven't got time to lay down newspaper.
I can be civilised.
I'll have an evening of blues and jazz.
Dig out the old seven inches.
By "blues and jazz" I'm guessing you mean blue movies and jazz magazines? Yeah.
And "by dig out the old" Got it! Hi! Hi, Daisy.
Lee, can you get my dad's nail gun? She's a bit dippy, but she deserves the right to live.
I'm joking.
Of course I'll shoot her.
Thank you for lending it to me, Lucy.
That's OK.
What do you need it for? Well, loads of DIY things.
Plus that garden sculpture that Tim bought keeps collapsing.
What garden sculpture? Oh, you know, what's it called? Giant Jenga? Thank you.
Right, I'd better dash.
I'm parked on a speed hump.
It's not illegal, but it makes me really nervous, like it might shrug me off.
Hope she's going to be all right with that nail gun.
Why's she doing the DIY, anyway? My brother's not exactly a handyman.
I don't know.
He's handy for tips on how to arrange a flower display.
"First the tall stems, then the shorter.
To keep fresh, add sugar to the water.
" Jane Asher, 1998.
What about that for an entrance? Why's my girlfriend just walked out of your flat? I hope you're not up to anything, you scoundrel.
Don't be silly.
I was too busy shagging your sister.
What are you doing here? I'm on my way back from the work's night out.
A rough place.
Although it didn't stop us having a raucous night.
Raucous night? Yep.
It's quarter past nine.
I had to leave early.
There was no anti-bacterial handwash in the gents.
Daisy left her coat, by the way.
Talking of coats, what are you wearing? You're like two dwarfs with one cinema ticket.
This is a very practical coat, actually.
It's warm, machine washable and there's loads of pockets for your bits and .
.
bobs.
If that's your bits and bobs, I can't wait to see your knick-knacks.
Oh, sh Sugar.
I don't think it's sugar.
I think the phrase you're looking for is, "Oh, sh Class A drugs.
" I must have picked up the wrong coat.
How could you, you idiot? You think he feels stupid? What about the Colombian drugs baron in Tim's cagoule? What am I going to do? Flush it down the toilet.
It's extra large, it would never get past the U-bend.
The drugs.
They belong to someone.
What if he tracks me down? How? He's got my coat.
It's not like you've sewn a little name tag in your collar.
You have sewn a name tag in your collar.
So he knows Timothy Adams has got his drugs.
There must be a hundred Timothy Adams in London.
Not Timothy Gladstone Adams.
You sew your middle name into your coat? Yes.
Why? Because there must be a hundred Timothy Adams in London.
I'm going to miss this train.
Ring the police.
Now.
What are you doing? Doing what Lucy said.
If you do, someone will give you shoes that'll send you to the bottom of a lake.
Crocs? Look, maybe it isn't even drugs.
Well, what is it? It could be anything.
It could be washing powder.
Yeah, he popped in for a pint after a long day doing the Daz doorstep challenge.
What are you doing? I'm proving to you it's not washing powder.
What are you doing that for? To see if it's good shit.
That's going to take ages.
I mean the drugs.
You haven't got a clue what you're doing, have you? Not really.
I saw them do it on Scarface.
I'm glad you haven't been watching Brokeback Mountain.
You try it, then, smartarse.
Come on, this is your problem, not mine.
It's my own fault.
I knew I shouldn't have let him watch The Railway Children.
I meant Trainspotting.
Oh, hang on.
Oh, yeah, that's odd.
See, that is definitely not Bold 3-in-1.
It might be biological.
I'm allergic to that.
Tim, it's not washing powder, it's drugs.
Find this bloke and get it back to him Now, what do you know about him? I don't know.
There's no name tag.
You don't say? What about mittens on string? Oh, yeah, laugh it up.
You weren't laughing when we went ice-skating and I didn't have frozen fingers.
Oh, I was laughing.
And not just me, the whole of the stag party.
Hang on, he's got a business card.
Larry "The Butcher" Stubbs.
You're not the only one with a unusual middle name.
Get back to that nightclub, now.
OK.
But will you come with me? The adoption agency never told me you were going to be this needy.
You know this is wrong.
This shouldn't be back on the streets.
I've seen what drugs can do to people.
No, you haven't.
I have, actually.
It was a long time ago, back in the '80s.
I was still at school.
There was a boy, popular boy.
He had lots of friends, enjoyed sport.
Someone offered him some drugs at a party and he thought, "Well, what's the harm? Why not?" Within weeks he was a wreck, scrambling around on the floor, looking for bits of his fix.
Sorry, Tim.
Can I just interrupt? Yes.
Are you talking about Zammo from Grange Hill? It was a very convincing portrayal, actually.
Well, here it is.
I see what you mean about rough.
These are old-school gentlemen villains.
If you want us to fit in, imagine you're Reggie and I'm Ronnie.
Which one, Barker or Corbett? Go on, then.
Can you do it? Please? If you do, I'll never, ever forget it.
You won't have a choice.
You'll be reminded every time you look at my disfigured face.
It hasn't affected our relationship so far.
Excuse me.
This is a bit awkward, but the thing is, my mate, the dippy looking geezer with the bad dress sense, apart from his coat, which is lovely, lovely coat Anyway, the thing is, he accidentally took your coat by mistake.
And we found your .
.
shit in his pocket.
We didn't touch it.
I never touch another man's shit.
We rubbed some in our gums, just to check it was shit.
If you're following any of this, just stare at me really menacingly.
Great.
So, why don't we swap back? Yeah? No harm done? Perfect.
I'm warning you if you've touched any of Timothy's Fruit Polos, he'll hunt you down and slice you like a carrot.
Thanks.
Next time you want me to do a favour, keep it simple.
Ask me to steal Osama Bin Laden's white turban and replace it with a giant meringue.
This isn't my coat.
If that's not yours, then that one's not his.
Thanks for the free drugs, you Muppets.
Bloody hell.
Was there a sale on at House of Gangster? Where's the gear? And who the hell is Timothy Gladstone Adams? Well, I've finished with my Reggie act.
You'd better start doing your Ronnie impression, and quick.
It's good night from me.
And it's good night from him.
Come here! Come here! Cup of tea? Agh! Coffee! I can do coffee! I was hoping I'd wake up and this would just be a bad dream.
If was one of your dreams, we'd have been attacked by Patricia Hodge with a tache on.
Why did I ever tell you about that? We're in trouble, aren't we, Lee? Yes, "we" now being the operative word.
Can't believe that you gave the drugs to the wrong person.
Don't blame me.
You had the wrong clothes on.
Good job it wasn't a drag club, otherwise I'd be sat here being entertained by Timothy Titflaps and her disturbingly unsightly bulge.
Will you stop going on about my dreams?! I didn't tell you about that one, did I? As long as we're here, we're safe.
He doesn't know my name or where I live.
So, can we just get dressed, calm down and stop over-reacting? What are you doing? Ringing Daisy to explain everything.
Oh, no, we haven't got time to start explaining everything to Daisy.
Not enough time? In six billion years the sun's going to explode.
It is vitally important that nobody knows you're here.
Blimey, it's all kicking off in Narnia.
Oh, Daisy.
Thank God it's you.
Who were you expecting? Anne Frank.
Well, the traffic's terrible.
Maybe she's running a bit late.
I'm looking for Tim.
I haven't seen him.
Don't lie to me, Lee.
I'm not stupid.
You've seen him loads of times.
He's six foot with blond hair.
I haven't seen him lately.
There is something very strange going on here.
No, there isn't.
So why's there a wardrobe jammed up against the door? Feng Shui.
Oh, yes, I've read about that.
Organising your furniture to keep out unhelpful, negative energy.
Does it work? No.
Well, I'll get straight to the point.
I know that you and Tim are taking drugs.
Why would you possibly think that? The way you've been behaving.
Give me one example.
All right, you're acting all nervous and twitchy.
All right, two examples.
All right, two, you're hiding behind your wardrobe.
Three examples.
All right, three, I came round yesterday and saw you both taking drugs.
Most people would have had that as number one.
We weren't taking drugs.
You know what they say about denial, Lee.
It isn't just a river in France.
I saw you rubbing powder into your gums.
That was to test to see if it was washing powder.
I wasn't born yesterday, Lee.
To test if something was washing powder, you do something else.
Like what? I don't know, like putting it in your eyes to see if it made you cry bubbles.
Tell me the truth, or I'm going to the police.
Why? Because Tim didn't come home last night and his phone's switched off.
And he only does that during Midsomer Murders.
Promise me you won't go to the police.
Only if you tell me the truth.
Look, Tim stayed here last night and he's fine.
We weren't taking drugs the other day, we were just Experimenting? Yeah.
Well, I had a friend who "experimented" by smoking marijuana.
Thought it was harmless, but they were on a slippery slope and they learned a hard lesson.
What? Don't get wasted at the top of a slippery slope.
Broke both his ankles.
And lost his snowboard.
All right, I'm going to go.
But I want you to both look at this.
It's a leaflet for the drugs helpline.
Oh, excuse the holes.
It's the nail gun.
It keeps going off unexpectedly.
And, Lee, do me a favour.
Next time I ask you a straight question, don't treat me like an idiot.
Is it safe? What were you going to do with that? Stick it up his backside and sing Ladleweiss? It wasn't him.
We were lucky.
Buy some more cocaine and give it back to your butcher friend, and quick.
What are you talking about, cocaine? It was heroin.
Was it? Wasn't it? I don't know.
There's a bit left.
Try some.
What? Go on.
If you start talking quickly, we'll know it's cocaine.
If I lose four stone, steal DVD players and become a male prostitute, we know it's heroin.
We need to find an expert to identify it and find out what it's worth.
Brilliant.
Let's ring Fiona Bruce and see if she's still presenting the Narcotics Roadshow.
Yeah, or Dickinson's Real Deal.
Crack In The Attic.
This is excellent use of our time.
Let's think of some more drug puns about TV programmes, shall we? That'll solve everything.
I know.
Top Gear.
Shut it! We'll phone this lot.
Thanks for coming round so quickly.
That's OK.
That's why we're here.
To chat, honestly and frankly.
I agree.
It's very important to be honest in these situations.
So, what exactly did you find in your son's bedroom? I found this under his mattress.
You can imagine how shocked I was.
I was only looking for pornography.
And why was that? The internet's down.
You're right, it's not a time for jokes.
So, what exactly do you know about drugs? Nothing.
When I was his age, we couldn't even afford them.
To get high, I went to the glue factory.
Did that work? Yeah, there was a bloke there selling cheap cannabis.
I say cheap, not that I know what cannabis costs because I don't take drugs.
And neither does he.
Oh.
And this is? Tim.
I'm a friend of the fa Unless you said we were a gay couple? Why would I say that? I'm a friend of the family.
Well, what you've found is definitely a banned substance.
It's cocaine.
Where could he possibly be getting this stuff from? Well, it's all too easy to obtain drugs.
Good.
God, is it? He's probably getting it off the street.
More specific, street names? Postcode's better for sat nav.
I know there's a group of dealers operating on Seeton Road at the moment.
Great, Seaton Road.
With two Es.
That can't be earning them much money.
Next question, how much would he be paying for this stuff? For an amount like that, probably £60.
How about for an amount, say, like that? That's a serious quantity.
About £8,000.
Don't we get a discount for bulk? Do YOU get a discount? He means my son.
This son of yours Yes? What is his name? George.
George? Yeah.
Same as the make of my T-shirt? Yeah.
May I have a word with him? He's out.
Where? At ASDA.
I notice you don't have any photos of your son, George at ASDA? No, You see, he doesn't photograph very well.
He's, um He's, um A vampire.
What? Hang on, that's reflections, isn't it? He's a Red Indian, that's it.
He believes the camera steals his soul, so he can never be photographed.
I'm not exactly sure what's going on here, but I think we'll leave it there for now.
I'm going to go and speak to some of my colleagues.
I'll be in touch.
George at ASDA! Well, it's better than Big Chief Nosferatu, the Native American smack-head vampire.
What if she goes to the police? Stop panicking.
You've got the information you want.
It's cocaine, you get it from Seeton Road, it costs about £8,000.
Just get it done, and quick.
It's bad enough having to empty my savings account, but can you at least stop holding it like you're advertising a Sun bingo promotion? Just act cool.
It's about bravado and confidence.
These are our streets.
We know every alleyway like the back of our hands.
'Right on the roundabout.
' Maybe lose the sat nav? And the National Trust membership sticker.
And the Rolf Harris CD.
And the tartan travel rug.
All right, pimp my ride, why don't you? You watch Pimp My Ride? I record it and watch it backwards.
I love seeing those vulgar cars restored to their original condition.
This is great, I don't even have to get out of the car.
Big Mac, chicken nuggets and fries, please.
I was trying to lighten the mood.
We normally get our drugs from Boots.
I don't sell drugs.
I beg your pardon? That would be illegal, officer.
You think if we were coppers, I'd let him open his mouth? You don't look like the type of geezers who buy drugs.
I took drugs before you were born, like your mum, by the look of it.
I've done 'em all, me, mate.
Es, Gs, Bs, knees.
Snap, crackle, poppers.
Hobnobs, crystal tips, acid drops.
Reefers, roofers, joiners.
Speed, Speed 2, Charlie, Brown.
Snoopy, droopy, Fred Bassett.
Uppers, downers, frowners.
Frosties.
Frosties? Yeah.
Good shit, is frosties.
.
.
tiger's foot.
They're grrr Shut up.
Don't tell me you've never heard of frosties? Call yourself a dealer? Yeah.
Course I've heard of them.
Is that what you're after? Not today, thanks.
Approximately half a kilo of powdered cocaine, if it's not too much trouble, young man.
Wait here.
What? It's like watching an episode of The Wire starring Derek Nimmo.
Lee, I think we're being followed.
Don't be stupid.
I think it's an unmarked police car.
How do you know? It doesn't say "police'" on it anywhere.
It could be The Butcher.
Maybe it's a gangster car with weapons and hookers and a Jacuzzi in the back.
What car is it? Powder-blue 1.
4 Nissan Micra.
What? You think I watch too many gangster films? No, I don't think you watch enough.
I'm serious, Lee.
There is someone following us.
Maybe I should pull over.
What? Put your foot down! OK, I INSIST we pull over! Just step on it, now.
OK.
Let's do this.
Sit back, tighten your seat belt and let's crank that stereo good and loud.
Two little boys had two little toys When we were two little boys.
I think we've lost them.
You all right? I'm fine.
It's just that bit where he goes back for him on the horse.
It always gets me.
Well, this is the address.
"Larry Stubbs, Butcher & Poulterer.
" Well, there's a glimmer of hope.
Maybe he'll just poulter us.
Come on.
Larry "The Butcher" Stubbs? Well, well, well.
You must be Timothy Gladstone Adams.
You've got balls showing up here.
Unless, of course, you've brought along some dope.
Hello! I think we've got something of yours.
It's a nice place you've got here.
Yeah.
If I was a cow, this is where I'd want to be butchered.
Honestly, it was a complete accident.
I took your coat home, thinking it was mine.
Shh.
Be a good little boy.
You don't want Daddy to have to give you a slap, do you? You're not going to tell my dad, are you? What the hell is this? It's your drugs.
This is washing powder.
Come on.
You can't tell that just by looking at it.
OK, that does look a little bit like washing powder.
Yeah, I use that stuff.
It's pretty goodshit.
Look, you've even written me a little note.
Have we? "Wash your mouth out, tosser.
"No-one slags off my mum.
" I don't remember slagging off your mum.
You didn't.
Have you any idea what I'm going to do to you? You sons of bitches.
Strictly speaking, you're now slagging off both our Not now, Tim.
You think you're hard, do you? Just remember, there's two of us and only one of you.
If you want to rumble, bring on the thunder, little man, see how far it gets you.
Why does that kind of thing work when Steven Seagal says it? Come on, mate.
Let us go, please.
Sorry, boys.
I've got a reputation to think of.
This is my manor, see? I don't know where your manors are.
He did say "please".
He means manor, as in To The Manor Born, you pillock! That's right.
And I've BLEEP Penelope Keith! Does Peter Bowles know about this? Did you hear that? See, I said we were being followed.
It must be the police.
Oh, thank God! What are you talking about? I'll tell you, sunshine.
We're talking about Old Bill walking through that door and serving you up cold porridge.
Hello! Oh, yeah.
Powder-blue Nissan Micra.
I could kick myself.
Hi.
I'm Daisy.
Bit rude.
I followed you, Tim.
I wanted to know if your involvement with drugs was getting out of hand.
Well, Tim? Is it getting out of hand? You come here on your own, sweetheart? Yes.
I bet you phoned the police.
But when I came round, you made me promise Never mind that, Daisy.
If you tell us that you did phone the police, and that they're on their way, this man will have to let us all go home.
You understand? Yes.
That is what will happen if you tell us you phoned the police.
Right.
Now, did you phone the police? No.
Looks like I'm going to need another meat hook.
Freeze! I think you should untie them, don't you? I'll tell you what I think - a nice girl like you doesn't know how to work one of those.
That is very true.
I was returning it.
It keeps going off accidentally! Oh, my God.
I am so sorry! Sorry, which ones did I do? Never mind him, Daisy.
Just untie us! Oh, yes.
Whoops! I can't believe the police let you off.
They didn't have any choice.
It's not against the law to spend £8,000 on a box of washing powder.
Ask anyone that shops at Waitrose.
And what about Daisy? She got off with a caution.
At first they thought she was the brains behind the whole operation, but .
.
luckily, she opened her mouth.
If you'd gone to the police at the start, this would have been avoided.
It's easy to be wise after the event.
I told you two days ago, and Daisy said it again yesterday.
It's easy to be wise before, during and after the event.
Anyway, of course they let us off.
The police knew we never meant to steal those drugs.
I'm many things, Lucy.
But if there's one thing I'm not, it's a thief.
Cup of tea? We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
Where are you going? It's a business thing.
At this time? Times are hard, but how are you earning money nowadays? Ho ho ho.
I heard you the first time.
I'm catching an overnight train to a conference, so you're on your own for a couple of days.
Try to behave like a human adult.
I haven't got time to lay down newspaper.
I can be civilised.
I'll have an evening of blues and jazz.
Dig out the old seven inches.
By "blues and jazz" I'm guessing you mean blue movies and jazz magazines? Yeah.
And "by dig out the old" Got it! Hi! Hi, Daisy.
Lee, can you get my dad's nail gun? She's a bit dippy, but she deserves the right to live.
I'm joking.
Of course I'll shoot her.
Thank you for lending it to me, Lucy.
That's OK.
What do you need it for? Well, loads of DIY things.
Plus that garden sculpture that Tim bought keeps collapsing.
What garden sculpture? Oh, you know, what's it called? Giant Jenga? Thank you.
Right, I'd better dash.
I'm parked on a speed hump.
It's not illegal, but it makes me really nervous, like it might shrug me off.
Hope she's going to be all right with that nail gun.
Why's she doing the DIY, anyway? My brother's not exactly a handyman.
I don't know.
He's handy for tips on how to arrange a flower display.
"First the tall stems, then the shorter.
To keep fresh, add sugar to the water.
" Jane Asher, 1998.
What about that for an entrance? Why's my girlfriend just walked out of your flat? I hope you're not up to anything, you scoundrel.
Don't be silly.
I was too busy shagging your sister.
What are you doing here? I'm on my way back from the work's night out.
A rough place.
Although it didn't stop us having a raucous night.
Raucous night? Yep.
It's quarter past nine.
I had to leave early.
There was no anti-bacterial handwash in the gents.
Daisy left her coat, by the way.
Talking of coats, what are you wearing? You're like two dwarfs with one cinema ticket.
This is a very practical coat, actually.
It's warm, machine washable and there's loads of pockets for your bits and .
.
bobs.
If that's your bits and bobs, I can't wait to see your knick-knacks.
Oh, sh Sugar.
I don't think it's sugar.
I think the phrase you're looking for is, "Oh, sh Class A drugs.
" I must have picked up the wrong coat.
How could you, you idiot? You think he feels stupid? What about the Colombian drugs baron in Tim's cagoule? What am I going to do? Flush it down the toilet.
It's extra large, it would never get past the U-bend.
The drugs.
They belong to someone.
What if he tracks me down? How? He's got my coat.
It's not like you've sewn a little name tag in your collar.
You have sewn a name tag in your collar.
So he knows Timothy Adams has got his drugs.
There must be a hundred Timothy Adams in London.
Not Timothy Gladstone Adams.
You sew your middle name into your coat? Yes.
Why? Because there must be a hundred Timothy Adams in London.
I'm going to miss this train.
Ring the police.
Now.
What are you doing? Doing what Lucy said.
If you do, someone will give you shoes that'll send you to the bottom of a lake.
Crocs? Look, maybe it isn't even drugs.
Well, what is it? It could be anything.
It could be washing powder.
Yeah, he popped in for a pint after a long day doing the Daz doorstep challenge.
What are you doing? I'm proving to you it's not washing powder.
What are you doing that for? To see if it's good shit.
That's going to take ages.
I mean the drugs.
You haven't got a clue what you're doing, have you? Not really.
I saw them do it on Scarface.
I'm glad you haven't been watching Brokeback Mountain.
You try it, then, smartarse.
Come on, this is your problem, not mine.
It's my own fault.
I knew I shouldn't have let him watch The Railway Children.
I meant Trainspotting.
Oh, hang on.
Oh, yeah, that's odd.
See, that is definitely not Bold 3-in-1.
It might be biological.
I'm allergic to that.
Tim, it's not washing powder, it's drugs.
Find this bloke and get it back to him Now, what do you know about him? I don't know.
There's no name tag.
You don't say? What about mittens on string? Oh, yeah, laugh it up.
You weren't laughing when we went ice-skating and I didn't have frozen fingers.
Oh, I was laughing.
And not just me, the whole of the stag party.
Hang on, he's got a business card.
Larry "The Butcher" Stubbs.
You're not the only one with a unusual middle name.
Get back to that nightclub, now.
OK.
But will you come with me? The adoption agency never told me you were going to be this needy.
You know this is wrong.
This shouldn't be back on the streets.
I've seen what drugs can do to people.
No, you haven't.
I have, actually.
It was a long time ago, back in the '80s.
I was still at school.
There was a boy, popular boy.
He had lots of friends, enjoyed sport.
Someone offered him some drugs at a party and he thought, "Well, what's the harm? Why not?" Within weeks he was a wreck, scrambling around on the floor, looking for bits of his fix.
Sorry, Tim.
Can I just interrupt? Yes.
Are you talking about Zammo from Grange Hill? It was a very convincing portrayal, actually.
Well, here it is.
I see what you mean about rough.
These are old-school gentlemen villains.
If you want us to fit in, imagine you're Reggie and I'm Ronnie.
Which one, Barker or Corbett? Go on, then.
Can you do it? Please? If you do, I'll never, ever forget it.
You won't have a choice.
You'll be reminded every time you look at my disfigured face.
It hasn't affected our relationship so far.
Excuse me.
This is a bit awkward, but the thing is, my mate, the dippy looking geezer with the bad dress sense, apart from his coat, which is lovely, lovely coat Anyway, the thing is, he accidentally took your coat by mistake.
And we found your .
.
shit in his pocket.
We didn't touch it.
I never touch another man's shit.
We rubbed some in our gums, just to check it was shit.
If you're following any of this, just stare at me really menacingly.
Great.
So, why don't we swap back? Yeah? No harm done? Perfect.
I'm warning you if you've touched any of Timothy's Fruit Polos, he'll hunt you down and slice you like a carrot.
Thanks.
Next time you want me to do a favour, keep it simple.
Ask me to steal Osama Bin Laden's white turban and replace it with a giant meringue.
This isn't my coat.
If that's not yours, then that one's not his.
Thanks for the free drugs, you Muppets.
Bloody hell.
Was there a sale on at House of Gangster? Where's the gear? And who the hell is Timothy Gladstone Adams? Well, I've finished with my Reggie act.
You'd better start doing your Ronnie impression, and quick.
It's good night from me.
And it's good night from him.
Come here! Come here! Cup of tea? Agh! Coffee! I can do coffee! I was hoping I'd wake up and this would just be a bad dream.
If was one of your dreams, we'd have been attacked by Patricia Hodge with a tache on.
Why did I ever tell you about that? We're in trouble, aren't we, Lee? Yes, "we" now being the operative word.
Can't believe that you gave the drugs to the wrong person.
Don't blame me.
You had the wrong clothes on.
Good job it wasn't a drag club, otherwise I'd be sat here being entertained by Timothy Titflaps and her disturbingly unsightly bulge.
Will you stop going on about my dreams?! I didn't tell you about that one, did I? As long as we're here, we're safe.
He doesn't know my name or where I live.
So, can we just get dressed, calm down and stop over-reacting? What are you doing? Ringing Daisy to explain everything.
Oh, no, we haven't got time to start explaining everything to Daisy.
Not enough time? In six billion years the sun's going to explode.
It is vitally important that nobody knows you're here.
Blimey, it's all kicking off in Narnia.
Oh, Daisy.
Thank God it's you.
Who were you expecting? Anne Frank.
Well, the traffic's terrible.
Maybe she's running a bit late.
I'm looking for Tim.
I haven't seen him.
Don't lie to me, Lee.
I'm not stupid.
You've seen him loads of times.
He's six foot with blond hair.
I haven't seen him lately.
There is something very strange going on here.
No, there isn't.
So why's there a wardrobe jammed up against the door? Feng Shui.
Oh, yes, I've read about that.
Organising your furniture to keep out unhelpful, negative energy.
Does it work? No.
Well, I'll get straight to the point.
I know that you and Tim are taking drugs.
Why would you possibly think that? The way you've been behaving.
Give me one example.
All right, you're acting all nervous and twitchy.
All right, two examples.
All right, two, you're hiding behind your wardrobe.
Three examples.
All right, three, I came round yesterday and saw you both taking drugs.
Most people would have had that as number one.
We weren't taking drugs.
You know what they say about denial, Lee.
It isn't just a river in France.
I saw you rubbing powder into your gums.
That was to test to see if it was washing powder.
I wasn't born yesterday, Lee.
To test if something was washing powder, you do something else.
Like what? I don't know, like putting it in your eyes to see if it made you cry bubbles.
Tell me the truth, or I'm going to the police.
Why? Because Tim didn't come home last night and his phone's switched off.
And he only does that during Midsomer Murders.
Promise me you won't go to the police.
Only if you tell me the truth.
Look, Tim stayed here last night and he's fine.
We weren't taking drugs the other day, we were just Experimenting? Yeah.
Well, I had a friend who "experimented" by smoking marijuana.
Thought it was harmless, but they were on a slippery slope and they learned a hard lesson.
What? Don't get wasted at the top of a slippery slope.
Broke both his ankles.
And lost his snowboard.
All right, I'm going to go.
But I want you to both look at this.
It's a leaflet for the drugs helpline.
Oh, excuse the holes.
It's the nail gun.
It keeps going off unexpectedly.
And, Lee, do me a favour.
Next time I ask you a straight question, don't treat me like an idiot.
Is it safe? What were you going to do with that? Stick it up his backside and sing Ladleweiss? It wasn't him.
We were lucky.
Buy some more cocaine and give it back to your butcher friend, and quick.
What are you talking about, cocaine? It was heroin.
Was it? Wasn't it? I don't know.
There's a bit left.
Try some.
What? Go on.
If you start talking quickly, we'll know it's cocaine.
If I lose four stone, steal DVD players and become a male prostitute, we know it's heroin.
We need to find an expert to identify it and find out what it's worth.
Brilliant.
Let's ring Fiona Bruce and see if she's still presenting the Narcotics Roadshow.
Yeah, or Dickinson's Real Deal.
Crack In The Attic.
This is excellent use of our time.
Let's think of some more drug puns about TV programmes, shall we? That'll solve everything.
I know.
Top Gear.
Shut it! We'll phone this lot.
Thanks for coming round so quickly.
That's OK.
That's why we're here.
To chat, honestly and frankly.
I agree.
It's very important to be honest in these situations.
So, what exactly did you find in your son's bedroom? I found this under his mattress.
You can imagine how shocked I was.
I was only looking for pornography.
And why was that? The internet's down.
You're right, it's not a time for jokes.
So, what exactly do you know about drugs? Nothing.
When I was his age, we couldn't even afford them.
To get high, I went to the glue factory.
Did that work? Yeah, there was a bloke there selling cheap cannabis.
I say cheap, not that I know what cannabis costs because I don't take drugs.
And neither does he.
Oh.
And this is? Tim.
I'm a friend of the fa Unless you said we were a gay couple? Why would I say that? I'm a friend of the family.
Well, what you've found is definitely a banned substance.
It's cocaine.
Where could he possibly be getting this stuff from? Well, it's all too easy to obtain drugs.
Good.
God, is it? He's probably getting it off the street.
More specific, street names? Postcode's better for sat nav.
I know there's a group of dealers operating on Seeton Road at the moment.
Great, Seaton Road.
With two Es.
That can't be earning them much money.
Next question, how much would he be paying for this stuff? For an amount like that, probably £60.
How about for an amount, say, like that? That's a serious quantity.
About £8,000.
Don't we get a discount for bulk? Do YOU get a discount? He means my son.
This son of yours Yes? What is his name? George.
George? Yeah.
Same as the make of my T-shirt? Yeah.
May I have a word with him? He's out.
Where? At ASDA.
I notice you don't have any photos of your son, George at ASDA? No, You see, he doesn't photograph very well.
He's, um He's, um A vampire.
What? Hang on, that's reflections, isn't it? He's a Red Indian, that's it.
He believes the camera steals his soul, so he can never be photographed.
I'm not exactly sure what's going on here, but I think we'll leave it there for now.
I'm going to go and speak to some of my colleagues.
I'll be in touch.
George at ASDA! Well, it's better than Big Chief Nosferatu, the Native American smack-head vampire.
What if she goes to the police? Stop panicking.
You've got the information you want.
It's cocaine, you get it from Seeton Road, it costs about £8,000.
Just get it done, and quick.
It's bad enough having to empty my savings account, but can you at least stop holding it like you're advertising a Sun bingo promotion? Just act cool.
It's about bravado and confidence.
These are our streets.
We know every alleyway like the back of our hands.
'Right on the roundabout.
' Maybe lose the sat nav? And the National Trust membership sticker.
And the Rolf Harris CD.
And the tartan travel rug.
All right, pimp my ride, why don't you? You watch Pimp My Ride? I record it and watch it backwards.
I love seeing those vulgar cars restored to their original condition.
This is great, I don't even have to get out of the car.
Big Mac, chicken nuggets and fries, please.
I was trying to lighten the mood.
We normally get our drugs from Boots.
I don't sell drugs.
I beg your pardon? That would be illegal, officer.
You think if we were coppers, I'd let him open his mouth? You don't look like the type of geezers who buy drugs.
I took drugs before you were born, like your mum, by the look of it.
I've done 'em all, me, mate.
Es, Gs, Bs, knees.
Snap, crackle, poppers.
Hobnobs, crystal tips, acid drops.
Reefers, roofers, joiners.
Speed, Speed 2, Charlie, Brown.
Snoopy, droopy, Fred Bassett.
Uppers, downers, frowners.
Frosties.
Frosties? Yeah.
Good shit, is frosties.
.
.
tiger's foot.
They're grrr Shut up.
Don't tell me you've never heard of frosties? Call yourself a dealer? Yeah.
Course I've heard of them.
Is that what you're after? Not today, thanks.
Approximately half a kilo of powdered cocaine, if it's not too much trouble, young man.
Wait here.
What? It's like watching an episode of The Wire starring Derek Nimmo.
Lee, I think we're being followed.
Don't be stupid.
I think it's an unmarked police car.
How do you know? It doesn't say "police'" on it anywhere.
It could be The Butcher.
Maybe it's a gangster car with weapons and hookers and a Jacuzzi in the back.
What car is it? Powder-blue 1.
4 Nissan Micra.
What? You think I watch too many gangster films? No, I don't think you watch enough.
I'm serious, Lee.
There is someone following us.
Maybe I should pull over.
What? Put your foot down! OK, I INSIST we pull over! Just step on it, now.
OK.
Let's do this.
Sit back, tighten your seat belt and let's crank that stereo good and loud.
Two little boys had two little toys When we were two little boys.
I think we've lost them.
You all right? I'm fine.
It's just that bit where he goes back for him on the horse.
It always gets me.
Well, this is the address.
"Larry Stubbs, Butcher & Poulterer.
" Well, there's a glimmer of hope.
Maybe he'll just poulter us.
Come on.
Larry "The Butcher" Stubbs? Well, well, well.
You must be Timothy Gladstone Adams.
You've got balls showing up here.
Unless, of course, you've brought along some dope.
Hello! I think we've got something of yours.
It's a nice place you've got here.
Yeah.
If I was a cow, this is where I'd want to be butchered.
Honestly, it was a complete accident.
I took your coat home, thinking it was mine.
Shh.
Be a good little boy.
You don't want Daddy to have to give you a slap, do you? You're not going to tell my dad, are you? What the hell is this? It's your drugs.
This is washing powder.
Come on.
You can't tell that just by looking at it.
OK, that does look a little bit like washing powder.
Yeah, I use that stuff.
It's pretty goodshit.
Look, you've even written me a little note.
Have we? "Wash your mouth out, tosser.
"No-one slags off my mum.
" I don't remember slagging off your mum.
You didn't.
Have you any idea what I'm going to do to you? You sons of bitches.
Strictly speaking, you're now slagging off both our Not now, Tim.
You think you're hard, do you? Just remember, there's two of us and only one of you.
If you want to rumble, bring on the thunder, little man, see how far it gets you.
Why does that kind of thing work when Steven Seagal says it? Come on, mate.
Let us go, please.
Sorry, boys.
I've got a reputation to think of.
This is my manor, see? I don't know where your manors are.
He did say "please".
He means manor, as in To The Manor Born, you pillock! That's right.
And I've BLEEP Penelope Keith! Does Peter Bowles know about this? Did you hear that? See, I said we were being followed.
It must be the police.
Oh, thank God! What are you talking about? I'll tell you, sunshine.
We're talking about Old Bill walking through that door and serving you up cold porridge.
Hello! Oh, yeah.
Powder-blue Nissan Micra.
I could kick myself.
Hi.
I'm Daisy.
Bit rude.
I followed you, Tim.
I wanted to know if your involvement with drugs was getting out of hand.
Well, Tim? Is it getting out of hand? You come here on your own, sweetheart? Yes.
I bet you phoned the police.
But when I came round, you made me promise Never mind that, Daisy.
If you tell us that you did phone the police, and that they're on their way, this man will have to let us all go home.
You understand? Yes.
That is what will happen if you tell us you phoned the police.
Right.
Now, did you phone the police? No.
Looks like I'm going to need another meat hook.
Freeze! I think you should untie them, don't you? I'll tell you what I think - a nice girl like you doesn't know how to work one of those.
That is very true.
I was returning it.
It keeps going off accidentally! Oh, my God.
I am so sorry! Sorry, which ones did I do? Never mind him, Daisy.
Just untie us! Oh, yes.
Whoops! I can't believe the police let you off.
They didn't have any choice.
It's not against the law to spend £8,000 on a box of washing powder.
Ask anyone that shops at Waitrose.
And what about Daisy? She got off with a caution.
At first they thought she was the brains behind the whole operation, but .
.
luckily, she opened her mouth.
If you'd gone to the police at the start, this would have been avoided.
It's easy to be wise after the event.
I told you two days ago, and Daisy said it again yesterday.
It's easy to be wise before, during and after the event.
Anyway, of course they let us off.
The police knew we never meant to steal those drugs.
I'm many things, Lucy.
But if there's one thing I'm not, it's a thief.
Cup of tea? We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.