Not Going Out (2006) s07e05 Episode Script
Pointless
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need To scream and shout # Yeah # Not going out We are not going out.
This programme contains some strong language I can't believe it! I know, it's amazing, isn't it? What's going on? I applied to be on a TV quiz show and I've been accepted! Woo-hoo! It's Pointless.
Oh, don't be too harsh on her, at least she'll be getting a day out.
The show is called Pointless.
The idea is to score no points at all.
Actually, you might do better than I thought.
You have to come up with answers that no-one else in the country would've come up with.
In fact, I reckon you could win this.
Hang on, I've seen that show.
You go on in pairs.
That's right.
Well, who are you going to ask to go on with you? Who do you reckon, Lee? You could have picked anyone.
It had to be someone cleverer than me.
You could have picked anyone.
And the answer is A performing seal? She asked me! And I said yes! Why didn't you ask me? Oh, I see, you think I'm thick.
Well, I'm not bothered.
I've already been on TV, remember? There's not many people who have managed to pull a mooney on national television.
Of course.
How could we ever forget the Queen Mother's funeral? It was respectful.
I only lowered my trousers to half-mast.
I can't wait! You do know you're probably not going to win, don't you? Lucy doesn't care about any of that.
She's just excited about meeting the host, Alexander Armstrong.
I think she's got a little crush on him.
It's not a crush.
I just said I like a man with brains.
Yet when I say I like a woman with big tits, it's sexist.
I think Richard Osman is the clever one.
He's so dishy.
God, it's like listening to two twelve year olds at a One Direction concert.
I still don't see why you didn't ask me.
Oh, OK.
Lee, who do you fancy most off Pointless? I mean why didn't you ask me to be your partner.
You need someone who knows the answers, not some glassy-eyed damsel fawning over the presenter all the time.
Never mind, I think they're looking for contestants on Who Wants To Be A Total Moron.
OrKnobheads.
Like Eggheads, but I said knob instead.
Yeah.
Or Big Brainless Twat! Like Fifteen to One, but I said Big Brainless Twat.
'Unlucky Tracey, unlucky Saul.
'There's actually only two Pointless answers, 'both from the Old Testament.
'You could have said Habakkuk or you could have said Nehemiah.
'So very well done if you said either of those at home.
' Oh, I got them Dickie-boy.
I got them.
You know what, I enjoyed that so much, when Lucy and Daisy get back, I think we'll watch the whole thing all over again Well, I still don't think that shopping for clothes was necessary.
We're going on TV, Daisy.
We need to look good.
But I like the outfit I've got on.
Trust me, that outfit is not appropriate.
But I so rarely get a chance to wear it.
I think Richard Osman will ask you to take it off.
Yes, that's what I'm hoping.
Oh, look.
Pointless is on.
We should watch it, to practise.
Oh.
Here they are, The Weakest Link and The Missing Link.
And what are you watching to get your intellectual porn fix today? Butt out.
Oh, finally, a quiz show worth watching.
'Yes, basically we're looking for any body of water 'in the Lake District National Park, please.
.
'lakes, meres, and waters.
' Kendal swimming baths.
Windermere.
Windermere! I thought you were meant to go for the obscure ones.
Well, go on, then, smartarse, you guess one.
Skeggles Water.
Well, if I'd have known you could just make something up, I'd have gone for Twiddles Flunketpond.
'Skeggles Water?' I wonder if Twiddles Flunketpond gets a mention, too.
'Let's see.
Skeggles Water.
'It is right.
' That reminds me of the blood going in when my auntie had her transfusion.
'And it does, look at that.
It's a pointless answer!' Of course, you could have gone for Lingmoor Tarn, Gurnal Dubs, Goat's Water.
'Bernie, what have you got?' I'm going to sayGoat's Water.
'Sounds delicious.
Let's find out.
Goat's Water.
'It is right.
'Goat's Water.
That's a pointless answer, well done! Oh, really, it was nothing.
Must be a nice change for you - talking to the TV and it not costing you ã2.
50 a minute.
'And don't forget, as ever, it's the people' Prisoner of Azkaban! Oh, for the last time, Daisy, Prisoner of Azkaban is not a book of the Bible! I'm going to say Genesis, same as the contestant.
'Let's see how many people said Genesis.
'Well, it's right.
' What about Order of the Phoenix? 'It has to go all the way down to ze 'Oh, look at that, 72.
'So not a pointless answer.
' You should have picked one of those Old Testament ones.
Habakkuk.
Or Nehemiah.
'You could have said Habakkuk.
Or you could have said Nehemiah.
'Very well done if you got either of those at home.
' Cheers, Richie, me old specky mucker.
That was pretty amazing, Lee.
He was just lucky with the rounds that came up.
What - The Songs Of ABBA, Primates and Malt Whisky? Yeah, it's just lucky I'm a gay orang-utan with a drink problem.
Anyway, good luck with the recording of the show, Daisy.
And don't forget, it's not the winning that counts, it's the not doing so badly you make a total pillock of yourself.
Wait, Lee.
Come back.
Lee, you should take my place on the show.
If that's what you want, Daisy.
Don't worry, you can't offend me.
Well, he did do a lot better than you.
And some of your answers were pretty stupid.
Actually, I was wrong, you can offend me.
So let me get this straight To prove that you're not thick, you cheated while watching a TV quiz.
And as a result, you're now going on a TV quiz.
Yeah.
So what happens when you go on the TV quiz and show everyone that you are thick? I wish people would stop calling me thick.
I wish people would stop saying I'm bad at sex, but it doesn't mean I'm going to star in a porn movie just to prove them wrong.
Anyway I'll be fine.
I have got a good grip on general knowledge.
Is that right? Yes, it is.
OK.
When was the Battle of Trafalgar? That's history.
Very good, but I'm going to need you to be a bit more specific than that.
I said I was good at general knowledge, I didn't say I was good at history.
OK.
Where's Lahore? In La Brothel.
That's geography.
I'm not good at geography.
Where is the alimentary canal? That's still geography.
Bloody hell, you really are in trouble.
Ask me who won the FA Cup in 1984.
You don't get to dictate the questions they ask you.
Just ask me.
Who won the FA Cup in 1984? Arsenal.
I think.
Or was it Man U? My God! You can't even get the right answers when you're setting your own questions! OK, I'll tell you what, here's one nobody in the world could possibly get except you.
What were you thinking when you agreed to display your intellect on national television? Oh, God, I am in trouble! Is the correct answer.
If you'd like to wait in here with the other contestants, we'll tell you when to come through to the studio.
They look really clever, don't they? How do you know? You can tell.
I bet their fingers stink of books.
We're going to get thrashed, aren't we? Come on, that's not the fighting talk we want to hear.
Exactly.
You can kiss me where it don't shine, sweet cheeks.
We are going to take you down, motherf Oh, my God, it's Alexander Armstrong.
I never realised he was so slim.
They do say the camera adds ten pounds.
Actually it's the other way round.
In real life, Mickey Mouse is massive.
So you must be Lee, you must be Daisy.
No, I'm Lucy.
I'm not a contestant, not clever enough.
Oh, I'm sure that can't be true.
Oh I bet you say that to all the contestants who aren't actually contestants but in the studio with the contestants.
This is Daisy.
And this is Lee.
He's a total quiz genius.
Wow, looks like we'll have to break out the extra-hard questions especially for you.
Please don't.
It is such an honour to meet you, Richard Osman.
Is it true you know every fact in the world? I wouldn't go quite that far.
OK, so, tell me one fact you don't know.
Well, that would be impossible, because if I knew a fact I didn't know, it would necessarily become a fact that I did know.
So you do know everything.
No, I'm not saying that, just it's impossible for me to tell you a fact I didn't know.
Exactly.
You're a genius.
OK.
The highest mountain in Bangladesh.
I don't know that.
There probably isn't one.
No, there definitely is one.
There you are, you see, you do know! OK, I am a god of wisdom and I know all the truths of the universe.
Bit arrogant.
Sorry about my friend Daisy.
She's a bit nervous.
Don't worry about it.
We'll look after you.
Course you will.
You'll ease us in gently, start off with a couple of easy ones.
Don't worry, you don't have to nod or say anything.
I know you understand.
You see, I've got a friend over there who I'm trying to impress.
Well, look, I'll tell you what, you want a couple of easy questions? Slip me a 20, I'll see what I can do.
Really? No, of course not really.
I'm not open to financial inducements.
And what about other kinds of inducements? I will deal with this.
Actually, what about other kinds of inducements? That's disgusting.
Come on, Richard, the woman's got feelings.
I'm not going to let you cheat.
I just don't want to look an idiot on live television.
Oh, there's absolutely no danger of that.
Really? Yeah, we prerecord this.
You're not going to look an idiot for two or three weeks.
And last but by no means least, our final contestants, Lee and Daisy.
Now Daisy, how do you two know each other? I once got trapped during a pot-holing expedition and Lee rescued me.
Wow.
In five years of doing this show, I don't think anyone's ever said that.
Yay! Pointless answer.
We haven't started yet.
So, Richard, are you excited about today's show? Yeah, I certainly am.
I'm looking forward to see how Lee and Daisy get on on podium one.
I hear that Lee is a little bit of a quiz expert.
I don't know who told you that.
Daisy did.
Well, she's notright in the head.
OK, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.
OK, let's find out what our first category is today.
And it is American Politics.
Bollocks.
Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first, who's going to go second? And whoever is going first, please step up to the podium.
OK, and the question concerns Pre-war American Presidents.
Richard.
Yeah, nice easy one to start with.
We're simply looking for any US President who began his term before 1939, please.
First name and surname.
Thanks very much indeed.
OK, Lee.
How are your American politics? Quite rusty on this particular subject, actually.
If you're struggling, just go for one of the really obvious ones.
Right.
OK, Lee, I'm going to have to hurry you.
OK, it's a bit of a risky one, but I think it's right.
I'm going to go for Dyson Hoover.
Dyson Hoover.
OK.
Erm OK, well, let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many people saidDyson Hoover.
Ooh, sorry, Lee, I'm afraid, sadly, Dyson Hoover never became president.
Leaving a political vacuum, of course.
Don't worry, Lee, it is hard under pressure.
Trust me, we've had a lot worse answers on this show.
In fact, we haven't, have we? OK, let's see if it's right.
No! Bad luck there, Daisy.
Another incorrect answer.
Well, I knew Lee was in the right area, so I went for something similar.
But unfortunately, there wasn't a President Morphy Richards either.
Um, so Daisy and Lee, I'm afraid we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had fun? It's been the greatest day of my life.
Will you sign my bra? Maybe later.
Er, Lee, what about you? Not too disappointed, I hope.
No.
I don't think we did too badly, actually.
Excellent.
That's what we like to hear, isn't it? Absolutely.
A positive outlook even though it is mathematically impossible for you to have done any worse.
Well, thank you very much, Daisy and Lee.
Fucking humiliating.
Your microphone's still on.
Well done.
What do you mean "well done"? I mean, I can't believe you knew the word hoover.
Why did I give you my place on the show? Bad luck, Lee.
Did you see the rest of the show? No, I couldn't find anywhere to sit.
You should have sat in the corner, you know, with a big conical hat with a 'D' on it.
Sorry, bit rude.
Don't apologise on my account.
Lee's not in my good books.
And if he were, you'd burn your library.
That's a quote.
Much Ado.
I know.
The Black Lace song.
No, that's Agadoo.
I meant the Shakespeare play.
Lee's doesn't really know much about Shakespeare.
Well, maybe I don't, but ask me who won the FA Cup in 1984.
It was Arsenal or Man United.
Actually, it was Everton.
Lucy, would you like a glass of champagne? Oh, careful.
It goes straight to my head.
In that case, would you like a Jeroboam? Excuse me? Sorry, Lee, what would you like to drink? The same.
A pint of Jeroboam.
Here he is, the great quiz genius.
It's a lot easier when you've got a laptop in front of you telling you what to do.
That's just a prop.
It's not switched on.
Talk of the devil.
Lucy seems very enamoured with Alexander.
And why not? She's young free and single.
And, er, what about you, Richard Osman? Is there an Oswoman? Because if there isn't I don't think that's a very good idea.
Because it's against the policy of the show? Yeah, let's go with that.
I hope you didn't mind the friendly banter out there, Lee, it's just a bit of fun.
Oh, no, no, I don't mind.
I quite like a bit of friendly banter myself, you smug, four-eyed, eight-and-a-half foot, lanky streak of piss.
You know, that type of thing.
Right.
Well, I'll look forward to a bit more of the same in 20 minutes when you're on the next show.
What? You know the rules, right? You know losers get a second chance.
In that case, I'd lack to retract my previous comment, you nice, correct amount of eyes, normal-heighted, slender streak of loveliness.
You won't take it out on me on the show, will you? We'll have to see what my computer tells me to do, won't we? I preferred you in those Bond films when you were just biting metal.
OK, everyone, shall we start making our way back on set for a make-up check? Next show starts very soon.
Oh, Richard, I've got the answers for the next show.
Lovely, will you put them in my dressing room? I'll just have this make-up check.
Yeah, sure.
Ow! Ahem! What are you doing in here? I could ask you the same question.
Well, you could, but YOU'RE more likely to know what YOU'RE doing in here than I am.
I mean What are you doing in here? Just taking a little tour.
It's not often you get to see inside Richard Osman's dressing room.
It's not often you get to see inside the mind of a crazed stalker.
So, what are you doing in here? You're cheating! Lee, that is a terrible thing to do.
Much easier to memorise the answers this way.
So you don't mind? No, of course I don't.
I'm sick of brainy girls getting all the decent men.
It's what's on the outside that counts.
Oh, God.
Don't worry, I can't go when someone's watching either.
Did you two just follow me in here? Yes.
Yeah, we thought it was the gents.
And ladies.
I mean She couldn't find the ladies, so she thought she'd use the gents.
And what part of the name Richard on the door made you think it was the gents? I thought it was one of those jokey names, you know, like you get in pubs.
Like stags and does.
I thought Richard meant You know.
So what would it have said for ladies? Fanny.
Anyway, we'll leave you to it.
Unless, of course, you'd like me to stay.
Please leave.
Afternoon to you.
And to you.
Are you well? I'm very well.
Excellent.
You look well.
Remember.
The answer to the first question is hornpipe.
He asks the question.
You say, "Hornpipe".
That's it.
Absolutely nothing else.
Promise? OK.
Richard, let's say hello to our returning contestants, Lee and Daisy.
How are you? Hornp We're fine, thanks.
And how do you think you're going to do today? Let's just say we're confident of anything you might throw at us.
Careful, Lee, I am sitting on quite a big chair, you know.
OK, well, let's find out what our first category is today.
And it is Music.
Can you decide in your pairs who's going to go first, who is going to go second? And whoever is going first, please step up to the podium.
OK, let's find out what the question is.
And it concerns Woodwind Instruments.
Richard.
Yeah, we're looking for any instrument classed in the woodwind section of a band or orchestra, please.
Best of luck.
OK, are you a musical person, Daisy? Hornpipe.
OK.
Straight to the point, very good.
Well, let's see if that's right and how many people said it.
Hornpipe.
It's right.
Oh, that's a good answer, down it goes.
Look at that! That's a pointless answer.
Very well done indeed, Daisy.
That's ã250 for today's jackpot.
OK, so, Lee.
Woodwind Instruments.
What have you got for us? Well, I'm actually going to play it safe on this one and go for a pretty obvious one and say - the Japanese shinobue.
Japanese shinobue? I've never heard of that.
You sure it's not a household cleaning device? Well, let's see, shall we? OK, er, well, let's do that.
Japanese shinobue.
It is right.
That's a good answer, Lee.
Down it goes.
Japanese shinobue is a pointless answer! It's a kind of flute.
It is a kind of fluke, I agree.
A high-pitched bamboo flute used in kabuki theatre, known for its mellifluous tone.
Funny enough, that's exactly what I was going to say.
Word for word.
Congratulations, Daisy and Lee, you are through to Round Two.
The African language known as Kwadi.
It's right.
The Nobel Prize for Economics.
It's right.
It's another pointless answer.
I think I will go for Djibouti.
Ludwig Wittgenstein.
I really don't know this one.
So I'm going to have to take a wild guess and say Pa, the chemical symbol for Protactinium.
So, they are going through to tonight's final, and a chance to play for the money.
Can we get a quick recording break, please? Wow, that was phenomenal! Daisy, how come you know so much about stamps? I love the taste.
Are you sure? I mean, have you got actual proof they were cheating? Yeah, they got the answers right.
Fair point.
And they were hanging round my dressing room earlier.
No, we can't really do anything without any concrete proof.
You know what? On second thoughts, let's take that sucker down.
Well, Daisy and Lee, you're having an incredible game so far.
Since the last episode, you've somehow gone from denser to Mensa.
But the question is, are you going to do as well in this, the final round? Well, let's have a look at what we've got for you.
Four categories for you to choose from and they are Is that it? Were you expecting something different, Lee? No.
So what are you going to go for? Rivers, please.
Not on the board.
So, Lee, what takes your fancy? Well, as I said to you earlier backstage, I don't know anything about Shakespeare.
So I'll have to go for The Bard.
OK, so The Bard it is.
Just one option today, we are looking for any of Shakespeare's history plays, please.
To make it a little bit easier, we're also including history plays that were not in the First Folio of 1623.
OK, you have up to one minute to come up with three answers.
Your time starts now Anything from history.
Somebody from history.
Hitler.
It's got to be older than that.
Hitler's grandad.
It's got to be somebody that's older than Shakespeare.
Don't say Shakespeare's grandad! Oh, you mean like a caveman? No, of course not! How many famous cavemen can you name.
Captain Caveman.
Your time's up.
OK, Lee, what have you come up with? Erm Braveheart.
Braveheart.
Well, I don't think anyone else will have said that, but will it be correct? No.
And the other two? What? You get three guesses in this round, Lee.
Do we have to? Oh, yes.
Another Shakespeare history play, please, Lee.
Jaws 3? Jaws 3.
Unusual answer.
But let's put it up on the board.
And one more, please.
OK.
We're going to go for Pericles.
What? Pericles.
Are you sure? Yes, Chris, that's our final answer.
OK, well, let's put those answers up on the board and see if any of them are pointless.
There they are, we have got Where did that come from? I heard you before saying you didn't know any Shakespeare plays.
So I Googled a list just in case.
So why didn't you just say the answer in the first place? You told me to make it look like I was struggling.
I didn't say make it look like I was struggling! But you were really convincing, though.
Well done.
You looked really stupid.
So for ã3,250, let's see if Pericles is a pointless answer.
Yes! Come on! Yes! In your face! No, you're not having it.
I won it.
Give it back.
Leave him, Richard.
He's not worth it.
He's not having it! And you're going to stop me, are you? 'Well done, Daisy and Lee.
You have been fantastic contestants.
'And you get to take home a jackpot of ã3,250!' Well, that's good.
They managed to edit out the fighting.
Yeah, you'd never know it happened from watching this.
You should have seen the other bloke.
I can.
So can the whole country.
I still can't believe Richard and Daisy ended up having dinner together.
Well, Richard was obviously impressed with her Pericles answer.
Didn't last long, though.
During dinner, she asked if 'Perry Cleese' was any relation to John Cleese.
Anyway, I'll make us both a nice cup of tea and we'll watch it all again.
Watch it again? This is normal TV.
No, it's not.
It's iPlayer.
You can rewind and watch it as many times as you like.
It's how I always watch it.
Look You cheating bastard! # Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need To scream and shout # Yeah, not going out We are not going out.
This programme contains some strong language I can't believe it! I know, it's amazing, isn't it? What's going on? I applied to be on a TV quiz show and I've been accepted! Woo-hoo! It's Pointless.
Oh, don't be too harsh on her, at least she'll be getting a day out.
The show is called Pointless.
The idea is to score no points at all.
Actually, you might do better than I thought.
You have to come up with answers that no-one else in the country would've come up with.
In fact, I reckon you could win this.
Hang on, I've seen that show.
You go on in pairs.
That's right.
Well, who are you going to ask to go on with you? Who do you reckon, Lee? You could have picked anyone.
It had to be someone cleverer than me.
You could have picked anyone.
And the answer is A performing seal? She asked me! And I said yes! Why didn't you ask me? Oh, I see, you think I'm thick.
Well, I'm not bothered.
I've already been on TV, remember? There's not many people who have managed to pull a mooney on national television.
Of course.
How could we ever forget the Queen Mother's funeral? It was respectful.
I only lowered my trousers to half-mast.
I can't wait! You do know you're probably not going to win, don't you? Lucy doesn't care about any of that.
She's just excited about meeting the host, Alexander Armstrong.
I think she's got a little crush on him.
It's not a crush.
I just said I like a man with brains.
Yet when I say I like a woman with big tits, it's sexist.
I think Richard Osman is the clever one.
He's so dishy.
God, it's like listening to two twelve year olds at a One Direction concert.
I still don't see why you didn't ask me.
Oh, OK.
Lee, who do you fancy most off Pointless? I mean why didn't you ask me to be your partner.
You need someone who knows the answers, not some glassy-eyed damsel fawning over the presenter all the time.
Never mind, I think they're looking for contestants on Who Wants To Be A Total Moron.
OrKnobheads.
Like Eggheads, but I said knob instead.
Yeah.
Or Big Brainless Twat! Like Fifteen to One, but I said Big Brainless Twat.
'Unlucky Tracey, unlucky Saul.
'There's actually only two Pointless answers, 'both from the Old Testament.
'You could have said Habakkuk or you could have said Nehemiah.
'So very well done if you said either of those at home.
' Oh, I got them Dickie-boy.
I got them.
You know what, I enjoyed that so much, when Lucy and Daisy get back, I think we'll watch the whole thing all over again Well, I still don't think that shopping for clothes was necessary.
We're going on TV, Daisy.
We need to look good.
But I like the outfit I've got on.
Trust me, that outfit is not appropriate.
But I so rarely get a chance to wear it.
I think Richard Osman will ask you to take it off.
Yes, that's what I'm hoping.
Oh, look.
Pointless is on.
We should watch it, to practise.
Oh.
Here they are, The Weakest Link and The Missing Link.
And what are you watching to get your intellectual porn fix today? Butt out.
Oh, finally, a quiz show worth watching.
'Yes, basically we're looking for any body of water 'in the Lake District National Park, please.
.
'lakes, meres, and waters.
' Kendal swimming baths.
Windermere.
Windermere! I thought you were meant to go for the obscure ones.
Well, go on, then, smartarse, you guess one.
Skeggles Water.
Well, if I'd have known you could just make something up, I'd have gone for Twiddles Flunketpond.
'Skeggles Water?' I wonder if Twiddles Flunketpond gets a mention, too.
'Let's see.
Skeggles Water.
'It is right.
' That reminds me of the blood going in when my auntie had her transfusion.
'And it does, look at that.
It's a pointless answer!' Of course, you could have gone for Lingmoor Tarn, Gurnal Dubs, Goat's Water.
'Bernie, what have you got?' I'm going to sayGoat's Water.
'Sounds delicious.
Let's find out.
Goat's Water.
'It is right.
'Goat's Water.
That's a pointless answer, well done! Oh, really, it was nothing.
Must be a nice change for you - talking to the TV and it not costing you ã2.
50 a minute.
'And don't forget, as ever, it's the people' Prisoner of Azkaban! Oh, for the last time, Daisy, Prisoner of Azkaban is not a book of the Bible! I'm going to say Genesis, same as the contestant.
'Let's see how many people said Genesis.
'Well, it's right.
' What about Order of the Phoenix? 'It has to go all the way down to ze 'Oh, look at that, 72.
'So not a pointless answer.
' You should have picked one of those Old Testament ones.
Habakkuk.
Or Nehemiah.
'You could have said Habakkuk.
Or you could have said Nehemiah.
'Very well done if you got either of those at home.
' Cheers, Richie, me old specky mucker.
That was pretty amazing, Lee.
He was just lucky with the rounds that came up.
What - The Songs Of ABBA, Primates and Malt Whisky? Yeah, it's just lucky I'm a gay orang-utan with a drink problem.
Anyway, good luck with the recording of the show, Daisy.
And don't forget, it's not the winning that counts, it's the not doing so badly you make a total pillock of yourself.
Wait, Lee.
Come back.
Lee, you should take my place on the show.
If that's what you want, Daisy.
Don't worry, you can't offend me.
Well, he did do a lot better than you.
And some of your answers were pretty stupid.
Actually, I was wrong, you can offend me.
So let me get this straight To prove that you're not thick, you cheated while watching a TV quiz.
And as a result, you're now going on a TV quiz.
Yeah.
So what happens when you go on the TV quiz and show everyone that you are thick? I wish people would stop calling me thick.
I wish people would stop saying I'm bad at sex, but it doesn't mean I'm going to star in a porn movie just to prove them wrong.
Anyway I'll be fine.
I have got a good grip on general knowledge.
Is that right? Yes, it is.
OK.
When was the Battle of Trafalgar? That's history.
Very good, but I'm going to need you to be a bit more specific than that.
I said I was good at general knowledge, I didn't say I was good at history.
OK.
Where's Lahore? In La Brothel.
That's geography.
I'm not good at geography.
Where is the alimentary canal? That's still geography.
Bloody hell, you really are in trouble.
Ask me who won the FA Cup in 1984.
You don't get to dictate the questions they ask you.
Just ask me.
Who won the FA Cup in 1984? Arsenal.
I think.
Or was it Man U? My God! You can't even get the right answers when you're setting your own questions! OK, I'll tell you what, here's one nobody in the world could possibly get except you.
What were you thinking when you agreed to display your intellect on national television? Oh, God, I am in trouble! Is the correct answer.
If you'd like to wait in here with the other contestants, we'll tell you when to come through to the studio.
They look really clever, don't they? How do you know? You can tell.
I bet their fingers stink of books.
We're going to get thrashed, aren't we? Come on, that's not the fighting talk we want to hear.
Exactly.
You can kiss me where it don't shine, sweet cheeks.
We are going to take you down, motherf Oh, my God, it's Alexander Armstrong.
I never realised he was so slim.
They do say the camera adds ten pounds.
Actually it's the other way round.
In real life, Mickey Mouse is massive.
So you must be Lee, you must be Daisy.
No, I'm Lucy.
I'm not a contestant, not clever enough.
Oh, I'm sure that can't be true.
Oh I bet you say that to all the contestants who aren't actually contestants but in the studio with the contestants.
This is Daisy.
And this is Lee.
He's a total quiz genius.
Wow, looks like we'll have to break out the extra-hard questions especially for you.
Please don't.
It is such an honour to meet you, Richard Osman.
Is it true you know every fact in the world? I wouldn't go quite that far.
OK, so, tell me one fact you don't know.
Well, that would be impossible, because if I knew a fact I didn't know, it would necessarily become a fact that I did know.
So you do know everything.
No, I'm not saying that, just it's impossible for me to tell you a fact I didn't know.
Exactly.
You're a genius.
OK.
The highest mountain in Bangladesh.
I don't know that.
There probably isn't one.
No, there definitely is one.
There you are, you see, you do know! OK, I am a god of wisdom and I know all the truths of the universe.
Bit arrogant.
Sorry about my friend Daisy.
She's a bit nervous.
Don't worry about it.
We'll look after you.
Course you will.
You'll ease us in gently, start off with a couple of easy ones.
Don't worry, you don't have to nod or say anything.
I know you understand.
You see, I've got a friend over there who I'm trying to impress.
Well, look, I'll tell you what, you want a couple of easy questions? Slip me a 20, I'll see what I can do.
Really? No, of course not really.
I'm not open to financial inducements.
And what about other kinds of inducements? I will deal with this.
Actually, what about other kinds of inducements? That's disgusting.
Come on, Richard, the woman's got feelings.
I'm not going to let you cheat.
I just don't want to look an idiot on live television.
Oh, there's absolutely no danger of that.
Really? Yeah, we prerecord this.
You're not going to look an idiot for two or three weeks.
And last but by no means least, our final contestants, Lee and Daisy.
Now Daisy, how do you two know each other? I once got trapped during a pot-holing expedition and Lee rescued me.
Wow.
In five years of doing this show, I don't think anyone's ever said that.
Yay! Pointless answer.
We haven't started yet.
So, Richard, are you excited about today's show? Yeah, I certainly am.
I'm looking forward to see how Lee and Daisy get on on podium one.
I hear that Lee is a little bit of a quiz expert.
I don't know who told you that.
Daisy did.
Well, she's notright in the head.
OK, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.
OK, let's find out what our first category is today.
And it is American Politics.
Bollocks.
Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first, who's going to go second? And whoever is going first, please step up to the podium.
OK, and the question concerns Pre-war American Presidents.
Richard.
Yeah, nice easy one to start with.
We're simply looking for any US President who began his term before 1939, please.
First name and surname.
Thanks very much indeed.
OK, Lee.
How are your American politics? Quite rusty on this particular subject, actually.
If you're struggling, just go for one of the really obvious ones.
Right.
OK, Lee, I'm going to have to hurry you.
OK, it's a bit of a risky one, but I think it's right.
I'm going to go for Dyson Hoover.
Dyson Hoover.
OK.
Erm OK, well, let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many people saidDyson Hoover.
Ooh, sorry, Lee, I'm afraid, sadly, Dyson Hoover never became president.
Leaving a political vacuum, of course.
Don't worry, Lee, it is hard under pressure.
Trust me, we've had a lot worse answers on this show.
In fact, we haven't, have we? OK, let's see if it's right.
No! Bad luck there, Daisy.
Another incorrect answer.
Well, I knew Lee was in the right area, so I went for something similar.
But unfortunately, there wasn't a President Morphy Richards either.
Um, so Daisy and Lee, I'm afraid we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had fun? It's been the greatest day of my life.
Will you sign my bra? Maybe later.
Er, Lee, what about you? Not too disappointed, I hope.
No.
I don't think we did too badly, actually.
Excellent.
That's what we like to hear, isn't it? Absolutely.
A positive outlook even though it is mathematically impossible for you to have done any worse.
Well, thank you very much, Daisy and Lee.
Fucking humiliating.
Your microphone's still on.
Well done.
What do you mean "well done"? I mean, I can't believe you knew the word hoover.
Why did I give you my place on the show? Bad luck, Lee.
Did you see the rest of the show? No, I couldn't find anywhere to sit.
You should have sat in the corner, you know, with a big conical hat with a 'D' on it.
Sorry, bit rude.
Don't apologise on my account.
Lee's not in my good books.
And if he were, you'd burn your library.
That's a quote.
Much Ado.
I know.
The Black Lace song.
No, that's Agadoo.
I meant the Shakespeare play.
Lee's doesn't really know much about Shakespeare.
Well, maybe I don't, but ask me who won the FA Cup in 1984.
It was Arsenal or Man United.
Actually, it was Everton.
Lucy, would you like a glass of champagne? Oh, careful.
It goes straight to my head.
In that case, would you like a Jeroboam? Excuse me? Sorry, Lee, what would you like to drink? The same.
A pint of Jeroboam.
Here he is, the great quiz genius.
It's a lot easier when you've got a laptop in front of you telling you what to do.
That's just a prop.
It's not switched on.
Talk of the devil.
Lucy seems very enamoured with Alexander.
And why not? She's young free and single.
And, er, what about you, Richard Osman? Is there an Oswoman? Because if there isn't I don't think that's a very good idea.
Because it's against the policy of the show? Yeah, let's go with that.
I hope you didn't mind the friendly banter out there, Lee, it's just a bit of fun.
Oh, no, no, I don't mind.
I quite like a bit of friendly banter myself, you smug, four-eyed, eight-and-a-half foot, lanky streak of piss.
You know, that type of thing.
Right.
Well, I'll look forward to a bit more of the same in 20 minutes when you're on the next show.
What? You know the rules, right? You know losers get a second chance.
In that case, I'd lack to retract my previous comment, you nice, correct amount of eyes, normal-heighted, slender streak of loveliness.
You won't take it out on me on the show, will you? We'll have to see what my computer tells me to do, won't we? I preferred you in those Bond films when you were just biting metal.
OK, everyone, shall we start making our way back on set for a make-up check? Next show starts very soon.
Oh, Richard, I've got the answers for the next show.
Lovely, will you put them in my dressing room? I'll just have this make-up check.
Yeah, sure.
Ow! Ahem! What are you doing in here? I could ask you the same question.
Well, you could, but YOU'RE more likely to know what YOU'RE doing in here than I am.
I mean What are you doing in here? Just taking a little tour.
It's not often you get to see inside Richard Osman's dressing room.
It's not often you get to see inside the mind of a crazed stalker.
So, what are you doing in here? You're cheating! Lee, that is a terrible thing to do.
Much easier to memorise the answers this way.
So you don't mind? No, of course I don't.
I'm sick of brainy girls getting all the decent men.
It's what's on the outside that counts.
Oh, God.
Don't worry, I can't go when someone's watching either.
Did you two just follow me in here? Yes.
Yeah, we thought it was the gents.
And ladies.
I mean She couldn't find the ladies, so she thought she'd use the gents.
And what part of the name Richard on the door made you think it was the gents? I thought it was one of those jokey names, you know, like you get in pubs.
Like stags and does.
I thought Richard meant You know.
So what would it have said for ladies? Fanny.
Anyway, we'll leave you to it.
Unless, of course, you'd like me to stay.
Please leave.
Afternoon to you.
And to you.
Are you well? I'm very well.
Excellent.
You look well.
Remember.
The answer to the first question is hornpipe.
He asks the question.
You say, "Hornpipe".
That's it.
Absolutely nothing else.
Promise? OK.
Richard, let's say hello to our returning contestants, Lee and Daisy.
How are you? Hornp We're fine, thanks.
And how do you think you're going to do today? Let's just say we're confident of anything you might throw at us.
Careful, Lee, I am sitting on quite a big chair, you know.
OK, well, let's find out what our first category is today.
And it is Music.
Can you decide in your pairs who's going to go first, who is going to go second? And whoever is going first, please step up to the podium.
OK, let's find out what the question is.
And it concerns Woodwind Instruments.
Richard.
Yeah, we're looking for any instrument classed in the woodwind section of a band or orchestra, please.
Best of luck.
OK, are you a musical person, Daisy? Hornpipe.
OK.
Straight to the point, very good.
Well, let's see if that's right and how many people said it.
Hornpipe.
It's right.
Oh, that's a good answer, down it goes.
Look at that! That's a pointless answer.
Very well done indeed, Daisy.
That's ã250 for today's jackpot.
OK, so, Lee.
Woodwind Instruments.
What have you got for us? Well, I'm actually going to play it safe on this one and go for a pretty obvious one and say - the Japanese shinobue.
Japanese shinobue? I've never heard of that.
You sure it's not a household cleaning device? Well, let's see, shall we? OK, er, well, let's do that.
Japanese shinobue.
It is right.
That's a good answer, Lee.
Down it goes.
Japanese shinobue is a pointless answer! It's a kind of flute.
It is a kind of fluke, I agree.
A high-pitched bamboo flute used in kabuki theatre, known for its mellifluous tone.
Funny enough, that's exactly what I was going to say.
Word for word.
Congratulations, Daisy and Lee, you are through to Round Two.
The African language known as Kwadi.
It's right.
The Nobel Prize for Economics.
It's right.
It's another pointless answer.
I think I will go for Djibouti.
Ludwig Wittgenstein.
I really don't know this one.
So I'm going to have to take a wild guess and say Pa, the chemical symbol for Protactinium.
So, they are going through to tonight's final, and a chance to play for the money.
Can we get a quick recording break, please? Wow, that was phenomenal! Daisy, how come you know so much about stamps? I love the taste.
Are you sure? I mean, have you got actual proof they were cheating? Yeah, they got the answers right.
Fair point.
And they were hanging round my dressing room earlier.
No, we can't really do anything without any concrete proof.
You know what? On second thoughts, let's take that sucker down.
Well, Daisy and Lee, you're having an incredible game so far.
Since the last episode, you've somehow gone from denser to Mensa.
But the question is, are you going to do as well in this, the final round? Well, let's have a look at what we've got for you.
Four categories for you to choose from and they are Is that it? Were you expecting something different, Lee? No.
So what are you going to go for? Rivers, please.
Not on the board.
So, Lee, what takes your fancy? Well, as I said to you earlier backstage, I don't know anything about Shakespeare.
So I'll have to go for The Bard.
OK, so The Bard it is.
Just one option today, we are looking for any of Shakespeare's history plays, please.
To make it a little bit easier, we're also including history plays that were not in the First Folio of 1623.
OK, you have up to one minute to come up with three answers.
Your time starts now Anything from history.
Somebody from history.
Hitler.
It's got to be older than that.
Hitler's grandad.
It's got to be somebody that's older than Shakespeare.
Don't say Shakespeare's grandad! Oh, you mean like a caveman? No, of course not! How many famous cavemen can you name.
Captain Caveman.
Your time's up.
OK, Lee, what have you come up with? Erm Braveheart.
Braveheart.
Well, I don't think anyone else will have said that, but will it be correct? No.
And the other two? What? You get three guesses in this round, Lee.
Do we have to? Oh, yes.
Another Shakespeare history play, please, Lee.
Jaws 3? Jaws 3.
Unusual answer.
But let's put it up on the board.
And one more, please.
OK.
We're going to go for Pericles.
What? Pericles.
Are you sure? Yes, Chris, that's our final answer.
OK, well, let's put those answers up on the board and see if any of them are pointless.
There they are, we have got Where did that come from? I heard you before saying you didn't know any Shakespeare plays.
So I Googled a list just in case.
So why didn't you just say the answer in the first place? You told me to make it look like I was struggling.
I didn't say make it look like I was struggling! But you were really convincing, though.
Well done.
You looked really stupid.
So for ã3,250, let's see if Pericles is a pointless answer.
Yes! Come on! Yes! In your face! No, you're not having it.
I won it.
Give it back.
Leave him, Richard.
He's not worth it.
He's not having it! And you're going to stop me, are you? 'Well done, Daisy and Lee.
You have been fantastic contestants.
'And you get to take home a jackpot of ã3,250!' Well, that's good.
They managed to edit out the fighting.
Yeah, you'd never know it happened from watching this.
You should have seen the other bloke.
I can.
So can the whole country.
I still can't believe Richard and Daisy ended up having dinner together.
Well, Richard was obviously impressed with her Pericles answer.
Didn't last long, though.
During dinner, she asked if 'Perry Cleese' was any relation to John Cleese.
Anyway, I'll make us both a nice cup of tea and we'll watch it all again.
Watch it again? This is normal TV.
No, it's not.
It's iPlayer.
You can rewind and watch it as many times as you like.
It's how I always watch it.
Look You cheating bastard! # Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need To scream and shout # Yeah, not going out We are not going out.